Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 36. Dirty Suck

Episode Date: October 2, 2017

It's the 36th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about the MyPillow guy. Also discussed: doing what you love, people who ask advice writing their instagram captions, sectional pants, speedos, eating way more than your portion, NSYNC, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply this episode of congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App. It's great. I don't know if you've seen it, but the Cash App has this new thing. It's cool. They've introduced the Cash Card, and it's a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app.

The Cash Card allows you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want and uh you go anywhere so that's good uh now you have the cash app which is the best way to pay people back plus the all new cash card and um i'll mention i'll talk more about it later on in the show download the free cash app for i or Android now. What's up, babies? When I start the show, now that there's video involved, so that comes out by Thursdays, it's a little tricky because when we first did the show in audio, we would just do it and then we would lay all the music in later, like the beginning of the song, like the ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, thing, thing, thing, thing, thing, thing, thing, you know, the theme song.

And now that there's video, I kind of got to like wait while it plays. And my producer plays a stopwatch and it lasts 14 seconds. And when I waited out and he didn't do it this time, one fire. Now that's how we're starting the show with one fire. So who knows how it'll end up going. But one fire him. He goes like this. Whoopsie.

And he starts and he's like, just give it 10 seconds. One fire him. So like rounding it out should be precise. It's not precise. It's not precise um it's not precise uh i have dude um i guess i should start this show by saying like you know it's it's always weird like in comedy when some fucking tragic shit happens and then you have to do like either a show or like i mean we did it on undateable once when everything was happening in paris and then we actually didn't do undateable because it was a live show and it was literally going on while we were going to record the show so we didn't do it uh and it

felt like the right thing to do and the las vegas thing happened last night and um you know but there's a podcast and it's not even really that important but i the podcast and so i just um i am feeling fucking weird man when that when that kind of stuff happens uh i just uh you know rightfully so it just fucks me up and uh so but you know so i just wanted to say that my heart goes out to the people in las vegas and that were affected and the shit affects way more than uh just the people that were you know uh injured so it's just fucked but that being said uh i'm um i'm doing uh i'm gonna do the podcast and hopefully it takes some people's minds off it i guess uh even though there is stuff that we have to think about um regarding that but uh i'm sitting here with my dogs uh my two uh my two yorkies and uh that's what's up i am in uh i am going to be going to north carolina

this weekend and um i can't wait to go i actually like going to uh charlotte every time i go dude when i'm on stage in uh in uh north carolina i play charlotte a lot and I play Raleigh sometimes, but Charlotte a lot. I've been going there for years. And every time I go, I want to say Charleston. And I said it on stage once. They shouldn't have a North...

Okay. If you have a North Carolina and you have Charlotte in North Carolina and then you have a South Carolina first of all don't have two Carolinas just have fucking Carolina and then you know swim swim town or whatever the fuck you want to call swim swim bucks I don't know. Have a fucking different, have Virginia. Don't have West Virginia. Because naturally, West Virginia is then Virginia's bitch. If you have fucking Virginia, and then the one to the left of it is like, well, we'll just be West Virginia.

left of it is like well we'll just be west virginia how are you gonna have fucking non-bitch made dudes there you're from the west version of us we coined the term virginia and now you're just gonna be fucking west virginia get your own identity get your own identity and so if you are north carolina don't have north carolina and south carolina okay here's the thing too if you're gonna have north carolina and south carolina also have west carolina and east carolina because then it's like you just didn't finish it but there's north carolina and south carolina there should just be carolina and whatever the fuck else you want to call it can't think of anything but for some reason keep thinking of the word swim, which is very stupid.

But there's Charlotte in North Carolina and then there's Charleston in South Carolina. It's confusing. It's confusing. It's confusing. um so have it be not north carolina or south carolina and then also change it from charlotte and charleston sounds too much alike to me or just at least change the different shit i don't know uh so whatever but uh you know i don't I have, you know what I realized too? Uh, um, so I'm in my room where I do my podcasting apostrophe and I have like odd shit in this room because it's my fucking podcast room.

And like I'm staring at a fucking globe that I have, which is over there in the corner. And I literally have no idea how I got that globe. But how about the fact that there are still globes? You know, like that there are still globes, you know, like that there are still globes, and then also, um, you can google anything, any map you ever want, hey, it's not the 1200s, don't need a globe, don't need a globe, if you have a, I'll venture to say, and I don't even know why I have one, but if you purchased a globe, and you have a globe, even if it's just in your office, you're a fucking cocksucker, dude. You're a fucking, you're a grade A pompous fuck, you know, that likes to spin it around and look at the world.

You think you're, you basically think you're God, probably. You basically think, oh, I could spin this fucking mini world around and just look at wherever I look at all the places that we've been. We are human gods. That's what you think when you have a globe. And also if you have the globe with the fucking ring around it and like the stand, you're a huge piece of shit. Like the big ring around it. We'll show it in the video podcast, but that fucking one right there like it's in place dude just have a fucking the the half ring around it you know i'm talking about don't have that full fucking goddamn thing i don't know what that was called but stupid and so pompous asshole

um but yeah uh so anyway don't get globes. That's my fucking PSA. Um, uh, I, I, I do, uh, I do the road a lot and, um, like I do the road a lot. And no matter when I go on the road, I always talk to you about obviously, uh, sucks and all Colleen and the forensic file shit. Hmm. And then there's those knockoff ones like snapped, which I don't really like that much because it just feels like it's like, it doesn't like draw you in forensic files.

Like forensic forensic files is the one that makes you, it's like, it's like the chick that's like, maybe I don't want to fuck you. But snap, there's like the one that makes, that's like it's like the chick that's like maybe i don't want to fuck you but snapped is like the one that makes that's like what's up what are we doing later and you're like dude you need to play it a little cooler you know it's like so in your face and and the graphics are just too much it's like it's like the fucking slutty girl at the bar and the forensic files is like the one that's like god there's something interesting about that girl.

But there's one – I got to talk about this one guy, dude, that I always see infomercials on. And this is not an ad, dude, okay? The fucking – the MyPillow guy. Do you guys know the MyPillow guy? First of all, Google this MyPillow guy. He's got the most – nobody could look like an uncle more than this guy that's just how it is he literally looks like the uncle like when when fucking jesus christ or whoever made people was like hey this guy's brother has a wife and kids. This is the guy.

Okay. Look, there's a, by the way, let me start off by this saying, I love this fucking guy. Okay. I love this guy. I love, I love what he represents. I love his passion for making pillows. And I also love the way he looks and I love his attitude and I love how he talks to the camera.

Okay. I know this is not ironic. I fucking, I want to meet this guy. I like the guy. Okay. also love the way he looks and i love his attitude and i love how he talks to the camera okay i know this is not ironic i fucking i want to meet this guy i like the guy okay if you google this guy all that comes up are is the number one 100 most bitch pictures of all time because he's literally hugging a pillow okay like it's his like york, like it's his chihuahua. He's hugging a pillow. He's holding the pillow like it's a cell phone. That's what he's holding it.

Scroll up. Look at this fucking guy. Like it's a receiver. He's holding it like he's downloading information into his brain about the pillow. This guy never doesn't hold the pillow like this. In every picture you Google, he's holding the fucking pillow like this. It's a bitch ass. And he looks like an uncle okay now this guy literally says i don't know what his name is but he literally said it's called the my pillow my pillow okay he literally uh he's he's like i've created i've made my whole life creating the world's most comfortable pillow

and and and so i to see this guy now. When I'm on the road, it's the number one commercial that plays. I swear to God. I flip around TV and channels and shit like that. This guy's always in the same button-down blue shirt fucking comparing pillows and holding his pillow like it's a fucking cell phone. I've spent my life creating the world's most comfortable pillow. He basically says this pillow will cure hiv like he basically basically talks about how amazing this pillow is okay now

four years ago i'm in now i see this all the time for years now okay so four years ago i see this this this i mean i'm in jacksonville florida which is a cesspool okay which is cool and no disrespect if you're from jacksonville florida but you're from a cesspool and i wonder why when you're in jacksonville it it it it it literally feels like you're swirling around and i always wondered why and it's because it's a toilet bowl okay and the people from jacksonville you could be like no but i grew up here and it's fucking gotta hit by it's a cesspool any place that has mini lakes with alligators around it leaf all right so now i am playing the jacksonville funny bone four years ago now hated it you know why because the comedy club was literally in a radisson Inn. Makeshift, bye. It had fucking speakers on stands, bye.

And the fucking green room was another hotel room in the Radisson Inn. And it was so, so bad. I mean, I would never get service. The fucking wait staff wouldn't come in and check on me or whatever. But Comedy Zone, yeah, I told my agent I'll never fucking play that place again. But anyway, good comics.

You should go. So they set me up with this room, and they were like, we got the room for you. It's all ready. I got in there. The carpet was fucking wet. It was so wet. The carpet was like the maidstaff fucking pissed on it over and over again like that was where they went to pee and i went down and i was like hey why is this carpet fucking

wet and they were like oh because we shampooed it because we knew you were coming and i said when did you do it and they said oh we did it like eight hours ago hey man it's gonna be fucking wet dude i'm talking about i was walking around in socks and my socks were soaked okay change it do it a few days before that or don't even do it i don't give a fuck don't do it all right so uh i'm there and i i and this my pillow commercial has been playing for fuck it's always on it's always on everywhere so i go to sleep sleep and i wake up and i have a and like i pinched a nerve in my neck like i fucking pinched a nerve in my neck i literally can't move my body okay i'm fucked i have to i'm staying in bed i can't breathe i'm breathing and when i'm breathing i'm like oh god i'm like it like feels like my chest is caving in and shit like that because i can't do

too much because my whole body is just giving out just because of this one pinch nerve and i'm like do i go to the doctor what i do i finally start to work it out i get up and jacksonville since it fucking sucks donkey balls um i was bored as shit and even though i was in pain i walked over to this fucking 7-eleven or some shit and I'm buying like, who knows what I'm fucking buying? Coffee probably. And as I'm paying for it, I look over and I see this fucking jackass, this uncle on a fucking thing with a pillow on it and he's fucking downloading the information into his

fucking brain holding his pillow. It's that bitch ass picture brain, holding his pillow. It's that bitch-ass picture of him holding his pillow. Everybody's uncle just sitting there, and he's looking at me. He's looking right at me thinking, my pillow. And he's looking at me, and he's thinking, I know you've always – because it's another thing too. It's like you can't find it in stores. How about how bullshit is that when they're like, you can't find it in stores? And then you go to Target, and it says fucking – and they have it.

Not only do they have it, it says as seen on tv hey fuck yourself man pick one is it not in the stores or is it as seen on tv whatever but you can't say it's not in the stores it's in the fucking stores guess what everything's in the stores also everything's in the stores even now and it's fucking 2017 when you don't even need to go to a store you don't even need to go to a store and they got the nerve to fucking tell you it's not in stores and then you go to a store you don't even need to go to a store and they got the nerve to fucking tell you it's not in stores and then you go to a fucking target or a or a a 7-eleven and it's like as seen on tv you fucking asshole so i'm there and it says as as seen on TV, my pillow shit. And this guy, this fucking uncle looking at me. And my neck is killing me.

Now, this guy, these infomercials that this guy has, I mean, I would watch them. I would watch them over and over and over again because it was all that was on. And I love infomercials in a non-ironic way. I like them. They're fucking, they kill me. They make me laugh because these guys don't usually don't give a fuck about these products they hawk. These guys can usually, these guys are guys that they hire. There's one guy out there that is so bitch.

Dude, why do they always, always look like molesters, man? This guy's so bitch. He's got beige hair and a beige face. Same face color as hair color. I call it the Karl Rove, okay? Same face color as hair color. I call it the Karl Rove. Okay?

Now, this guy has, and he's plump, you know, and he's just jacking these fucking products. He sells one thing that's these Christmas lights that you hold out that you, this is not the MyPillow guy, but this is the one Christmas light. He'll hold it, be out, like you put a projector out on the the street and then it shines on your fucking place. And they're like, you don't need to spend all these fucking hundreds of dollars getting guys to hang lights on when you can just fucking blast a bunch of like lights from your yard to your house. And it looks like the light. It doesn't look like the lights are being fucking strung up on your house. It looks like your house is under an alien attack. It's horrible. It looks like your house is under an alien attack.

It's horrible. And then for Halloween, they sell one where you put it on the inside of the house and it projects outside of the fucking, on the curtains or on the shades. And it looks like somebody's killing somebody in the shower. And they make it look so good on TV. And then you buy it and it's so janky. It's janky as fuck. Dude, there's a movie called Janky Promoters with Ice Cube and Mike Epps, you know? Janky Promoters. Anyway, Halloween laser projector shit.

And then that same guy sells another fucking razor cutter thing that can cut through anything. And he didn't invent the guy. He didn't invent the shit. He's just like the guy that they get that's like, they're like, hey, will you sell this to me? And he's like, sure. I feel like this guy is so passionate about the product but he's he doesn't give a fuck you know he doesn't you know he shows up and he's like what's the product and he's like well here's what we'll do i'll talk about it like this is there a money back guarantee how many fucking installments

can you do i got this shit give me my blue button down i'm gonna fucking i'm gonna rape the shit out of people that have basically no money and then he goes and he's like this can cut through anything look and he'll fucking like he'll do everything he'll like scrape it against stone look i'm doing fucking 20 years worth of damage right now and it'll still cut it'll still cut a flower and you're like yeah well no shit but then idiots will be like oh man it still works huh yeah look what happens if i shit all over it. In black and white, it shows him shitting on your old tool that you would use. And then a red X over it. You couldn't use to do that. And now you can.

With the slicer. Shit all over it. It still works. Look, you can cut your mom. Your mom comes out. Oh my God. And for some reason, people are just like, yay. It's like a fucking Black Hole sun video or some weird shit.

And, uh, and, uh, so this guy, these are just guys you hire. Okay. And I love these guys because they're fucking, what is their job, dude? They just show up and sell shit that they don't believe in. How is that something? Chuck Norris with the total body the total gym he didn't give a fuck about that he didn't give a fuck about that he showed up with christy brinkley he was like uh what is it it's so funny you watch the original total gym video not the one that they remade they remade it but the original one you can see in chuck norris's face you can see him thinking what the fuck is

this workout thing i mean just look at him working out in the original he doesn't give a fuck dude this guy does martial arts for years and years and years he's got some core strength and this fucking dude is like oh yeah it really works all you got to do is fucking grab a fucking bullshit uh handle and pull it seven times and you look like lee haney hey you grab a handle pull it eight times and you're fucking kai green or whatever the hell that guy's name is so uh so uh so and it's always two months no risk and you lazy fucks buy it and never return shit and they make fucking 149 off of you also who's getting tricked by the 99? Oh, it's $149.99? Just make it $150.

What are we, fucking plants? What fucking cuda gets mixed up? Oh, it's $9.99? Well, all right. And then would actually think if it was $100, no, that's too much. Dude, get captured if that's how you are. Get captured. You understand?

By a villain. And be in a fucking basement and get fed bread and water because it's what you deserve. Get captured. So those are these guys. So those are these guys, right? They are for hire. You basically say, hey, I got stamps I want to sell. I'll give you fucking this much money to hawk them.

And he shows up in his blue button down with his fucking cherub face. And he does it. And you buy the shit. You know why? Because it works. That's why. All right. Now there's this my pillow guy.

He fucking broke the system for me. Because this guy is passionate about this pillow and he made this pillow created it and loves this pillow and you can tell he loves the pillow because of the way he holds the pillow on the fucking photo that's ubiquitous you can't see a photo of this guy without holding a goddamn pillow. He's not hawking any other thing. He's not hawking stamps or a fucking knife. This guy made a pillow and it's my life dream to make the most comfortable pillow of all time for some reason, because obviously when I i was younger i was molested by a pillow like who so weird but the guy is the shit and i mean that because i always say if you're

fucking gonna do something in your life for your profession make it something you're passionate about dude when i go on stage I fucking want to do well. I go up. I fucking, it's my life. I do it every night. I am a comedian. I am a comedian. Popeye eats the spinach because he's fucking Popeye, dude. Not because he wants to be Popeye.

It's who he is. This guy is a fucking pillowye, dude. Not because he wants to be Popeye. It's who he is. This guy is a fucking pillow maker, bro. Yay! And I'm serious. You don't hire him for shit like this. So this guy would have infomercials on

and fucking and I know that this is a long story but i don't give a fuck you understand me this is important this is an important thing in my life okay so i would see this guy's fucking information and i don't know this guy from dick i don't know this guy from fucking other guys that are bit like billy mays and hawk and all this shit that you can just buy i don't know i don't i don't know so i'm in and the infomercial that he had too was like just fucking uh people were like testimonials like i like

literally like standing in like what do you have to say there's an audience and one guy was like i i i you know it was affecting my marriage the way i snored and i couldn't sleep and i had sleep sleep apnea and like i had 48 – like literally like crazy shit. Like the doctor said I wouldn't live for another fucking five years. I bought this pillow and it literally changed my life. This guy is getting choked up talking about it in front of people. I'm getting – my wife – our marriage has never been better all because of a fucking pillow. Now, I being the comedian, I'm like, fuck this ass.

These guys are paid and shit like this. So now I'm at the fucking Jacksonville cesspool. I'm at the 7-Eleven. I turn around, and I see this fucking uncle staring at me, downloading a pillow into his brain. And I'm like, okay, motherfucker. Okay. I'm in Jacksonville.

I don't want to fucking be here. Fuck it. I got a neck pain. I got nothing to lose, dude. I got nothing Jacksonville. I don't want to fucking be here. Fuck it. I got a neck pain. I got nothing to lose, dude. I got nothing to lose. It's the fucking middle of the movie where you're like, well, where's this even going? Right? So I look over to the fucking foreign guy, of course.

And I say, I want that too. And he says, okay. Rings up a fucking, I don't even know, $50 pillow. I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no idea how much it was. So I fucking get the goddamn pillow. I take my coffee. I walk back because I didn't have a car and I'm walking and it's all fucking hilly and bullshit for no reason. For some reason, Jacksonville is flat, but also hilly. I don't understand how it is. It's flat because flat is more depressing than rolling beautiful hills. But also you get the added added how come i can't fucking walk on this flat ground easily because everything is

humps bye and you got to watch out for alligators and crocodiles too or whatever the fuck so i'm walking back to my hotel and i get through my show with my pain and i'm like all right motherfucking all right uncle let's get this shit going. Let's see what the fuck's going on. Let's fall asleep on your goddamn life changing pillow. So I fucking take it out of the thing. You got to leave it for 30 minutes. You know,

everything that you buy on an infomercial, there's like extra rules for it, which is annoying as shit. It's like, leave it free for 30 minutes or like dry it or like leave it in the sun for the vacuum to work better. So anyway, I leave it out and then I fucking fall asleep on this pillow and I can't even move. I wake up. Dude, listen to me, dude. This isn't an ad.

I'm Chris D'Elia, the comedian that tells you the fucking truth, dude. I'm not going to steer my babies wrong, dude. This is a cult. And by the way, somebody, my friend was like, yeah, I know it's funny that you joke about your cult. Let me, let me just fucking dial it in here. I am, I am a comedian. Everything I say on this podcast is a joke. Okay?

This cult? Sure. Joke around. Unless you really want to do it, then show up and we'll go to a log cabin. And for real, I'll be the fucking leader. Okay? So it's not really a joke. But I'm not going to

steer you fucking wrong, dude. I woke up and I didn't have fucking neck pain, dude. It was the, it was, I woke up and I thought I was dreaming. I didn't understand. It was like 25% of the pain that I had. And I fucking brought, you know how, you know how, you know me, you know me. If you've listened to the episode, to the fucking shit, you know that I don't fucking, you know how much I would hate somebody on, hey, oh, you're bringing a fucking carry-on

on the plane and it's a pillow? Stay home. Stay in bed. I brought that fucking pillow back with me, dude. I brought that pillow back with me. Because as much as I can't stand a cooter that does that, it's free conch. Okay?

Okay? I had it in my head. Sfrikunch? I'll bring it. And I did. And I've fucking been sleeping on that pillow for five years. Not only that, I went on Amazon, because you can buy it anywhere, even though they say you can only buy it on the website. I went on Amazon and bought four more.

I bought big ones. i bought small ones my pillows dude every time i see see the see a motherfucking infomercial no matter who i'm with i say you got to get that motherfucker it'll change your life dude it's unbelievable this guy and that's and that's what leads me back to this do what you fucking love do what you love man that's what leads me back to this. Do what you fucking love. Do what you love, man. That's it. You can. And I know it's hard to get a job out there. And if you're lucky to just get a job.

But also have that. And you don't need to be. Everyone wants to be a fucking singer or an artist or a fucking. Dude, maybe you love making fucking pillows, dude. You don't know. There's so many things out there you like botany maybe you like fucking botany dude learn about spider plants and fucking ferns to me it's boring as shit but fucking look don't be the fucking guy that doesn't like his job, dude. I get it.

When you're young, you got to do it. But fucking, you know, nobody works harder than The Rock. Nobody works harder than The Rock. That's why The Rock is the shit. That's why The Rock is the number one fucking action movie star and biggest man alive. Because he's the fucking he became himself, dude. It's about becoming yourself. That's what it is.

It's about becoming yourself that's what it is it's about becoming yourself and then you go to overboard sometimes when like you're al pacino in a movie and he's just so al pacino and shit and you're like oh yeah you went on a ball overboard but that's what it is you you gotta fucking become who you are i know i know that was a long story but I don't give a fuck man you get that goddamn pillow and I'm this guy probably that was just

thousands of dollars with of promo shit I don't give a fuck dude I want to hang out with that guy find out who that guy is tweet him and tell him I want to kick it with him my pillow I'll have a coffee with him, and I'll fucking video it. How about that? My pillow.

I've spent my life, ever since I came out of the womb, I landed on a pillow. It wasn't comfortable. My first word was pillow. My first word was comfy because I wanted to be comfortable. Most pillows might as well be burlap. I spent my life and my life savings. He says this. I spent my savings into making the most comfortable pillow of all time.

I have a 60-day guarantee and also a 10-year guarantee, and it's made in America. Two-pack premium MyPillows. Save 30%. guarantee and it's made in and it's made in america two pack premium my pillows save 30 and then also if you scroll down even more you can probably find something that saves 50 i also have my pillow for for dogs which is stupid but it doesn't matter because people are kudas and they'll definitely buy these pillows for their dogs. I also have rolling goat travel pillows. Why do I have my mustaches made of my pillow? When I kiss a girl, it's the most comfortable kiss she will ever have.

It will change her life. Under my nose, I have scientifically engineered a pillow. Why would anyone have a mustache? Why would anybody have a mustache? Why would anybody have a mustache? It looks weird to only have a little bit of hair that you groom on your face. Because your face is your face. Why would anybody have a mustache, you know? Why would anybody have a mustache, you know?

The second you fucking cut any part of your hair and your face to shape it, to me, I can't take you seriously as another person who doesn't do that. Anyway, do what you love. How about me undies? You want to look good in your underwear and be comfortable,'t you perfect balance is hard to find right you sacrifice style for comfort of comfort for style but check out me on these.com find the best pair of underwear in the world now i got them on right now it's it's all i wear me and these are awesome meters are so great it's like uh they're the most comfortable pair of underwear that you'll own 100%. They're

made from sustainably sourced, naturally soft fabric that is three times softer than cotton. It's very true. And it's like it hits you over the side of the head when you put on these underwears. You're like, oh, wow, this is very comfortable. And then immediately you're like, I can't use any other thing but these underwears. It's like falling in love and then remaining faithful. That's what I do with these underwears. 100% satisfaction guarantee. They guarantee you will love your undies or your money back. Get your 20% off these free shipping and their 100% satisfaction guarantee and get the best and softest underwear you will ever own. Go to meundies.com slash congrats. That's meundies.com

slash congrats. Limited time offer. What are you waiting for? Start wearing the best underwear of your life. It changed my life. Honestly, it's time to let me undies change yours. Go to meundies.com slash congrats right now. Tracker. This is what you, this is what's important to you. Wallet phone keys, wallet phone keys. Why does leaving the house always turn into the most annoying scavenger hunt ever? Right? Eight years ago, tracker changed everything when they released their first tracking device, and now they've done it again with their all-new tracker pixel.

Tracker pixel is the lightest Bluetooth. It's the lightest Bluetooth tracking device on the market. Place tracker pixel on whatever you tend to lose, your keys, your wallets, whatever. Your cat. Small enough to fit anywhere. All right? And then they'll help you find it. You use your smartphone and a 90 decibel alert will help you find it in seconds.

Has powerful LED lights so you can find anything even in the dark. You lose your phone, just press the button on your tracker pixel and the phone rings, even if it's on silent. 30-day money-back guarantee, you got nothing to lose. Go to thetracker.com slash congrats to get 20% off any order. That's thetracker, T-H-E-T-R-A-C-K-R.com slash congrats for 20% off. TheTracker.com slash congrats. Square Cash. Everyone is switching to the Cash app because it's the best way to pay people back. Friends, family, coworkers, probably the MyPillow guy.

Sending and receiving money is totally free and fast, and most payments can be deposited directly into your bank account in seconds. Here's how it works. You download the Square Cash app, link your debit or debit card, select an amount to send, and type in a friend's phone number or email address to complete a payment. They'll get a notification they've just received money. That's it. No gimmicks. Square Cash is better than the other guys.

It's not a social network. That's what I like about them because I don't want to have my payments listed in a feed. That's not cool. That's cuda. Okay, so let's talk about the new cash card that I talked about earlier. It's a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app. It's the cash card allows you to use the cash that you keep anywhere and you want a cash, the, the, the, sorry, the money that you keep in the cash app. It lets you use it anywhere you want. You'll get notifications

for all payments that made with the card directly via the cash app the cash app team is consistently building awesome new features so what you're uh doing using so what are you doing using you know not them uh i'll fight you basically if you're not doing if you're not using them so get the cash app today download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. So, yeah. Do what you love. That's what I'm trying to say not trying to be inspirational because i i don't like to be inspirational i was inspirational by mistake okay i know everyone loves to be that's why we got the most fucked up instagram post of the week that's how we did that because of how uh inspirational uh people like to try and be.

How about when people fucking write you? How about when people write you? What do you call it? How about when people ask you shit like when they're posting an instagram and they're like what do you think should i write this as a caption or this is a caption and you're like oh i don't i don't give a fuck i don't even care what i write as a caption what do you think you think this filter or that filter oh shit man that's that means nothing in my life what do you what do you think looks better this one or that one oh dude you know

what dude jump off a train that's going oh shit oh man i lose respect for you is this funny to write this oh i don't give a fuck. You know why? You work at a bank. See ya. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Your life is not that poor. Sure. It's free conch.

But it's also free conch. If I want to, you know, say go fuck yourself, I can say go fuck yourself. Yeah. I don't know, buddy, that does that. Don't like. Does that shit I don't like. I love my dogs. Come here, Sam.

Come here, Bubba. Come here, Butters. Sam. Come on, jumping up. Come on. Come on. Come on. You pussy ass motherfuckers.

Come here. Jump up. Jumping up. Come on. Come on. Come on. You pussy ass motherfuckers. Come here. Jump up. What's up, dude? And I do this. Come here. Come here. Good boy. People say that these dogs, I have two Yorkies. People say that they're, they're gay. That's stupid, bro. What? What are you talking about? They're cute do you mean what i just i gotta get a bulldog to be a man fuck out of here with that shit i i don't like when people do this shit that's so obvious you know it's like oh shit oh okay because you're a fucking guy that goes to the gym you're gonna get a fucking let me guess a? Oh, and do you have a chain leash? Fuck out of here.

What are you, Hercules? Hey, never have a chain. Okay? What are you, Hercules, dude? What are you, a fucking... But this dog, fuck it, not gay. That's fucking love, dude. It's not gay to have fucking Yorkies, I mean, it could be gay, if you fucking dress him up and shit, and you're gay,

it's annoying, a real dog, people are like, get a real dog, like, what, dude, like, what, a Rottweiler, when was the Rottweiler the cutest when it was a fucking puppy no shit my dogs stay in this way you fucking motherfuckers right um so anyway i don't know man i can't that fucking my pillow story exhausted me it fucking exhausted me it fucking exhausted me all i know is oh dude oh man by the way remember when matt texted us the fucking picture i'm talking to my producer and your your jeans were so fucking big okay i have i found a a picture of me i found a picture Of me I found a video of me that a fan came up

After a show and was like my sister knows you She posted this video on Facebook And it was a video of me In a play doing a play I think I was doing like Grease or some dumb shit And I was like 19 or 20 And dude My pants dude

My fucking pants I could have fit a family in them. Dude, they were so baggy. It was a joke. It was awful. I don't even remember having those pants so baggy. That was the style. Baggiest shit pants.

Like, it looked like MC Hammer pants. and it wasn't my outfit for the play dude it was actual they were and dude they were red bro they were red and i i don't dude think of i'm not talking baggy i'm talking like like they almost dragged with me you remember i had those pants dude i think they were abercrombie and fitch and i think they unzipped and could turn them into shorts and i never did that even back then i knew that that was some dumb shit. Dude, I don't know if Abercrombie & Fitch created that shit, but that's so dumb that you'd sell them in a department store in Glendale. Hey, dude, don't unzip your fucking pants.

You have shorts or you have pants. If you have pants that unzip into shorts, you better be fucking Bear Grylls. You better be Cameron Hayes. You better be fucking Batman. Bro,

pants that zip into shorts? Oh. How about a guy? You know there's one guy out there that thinks it's dope to just do one leg. Oh, what the fuck is that one where you can do three? Dude, there's one where you can zip them into shorts or shorter shorts. I mean, imagine getting ready. There's coming three sections.

Imagine getting ready. We'll have this on the video podcast. Imagine getting ready and being like, oh, what length should I do? And then be like, oh, unzip this, unzip it here. And then this, or should I just add this? Or should I have this? What like, dude, just get different pants, asshole. What if there were four sections?

What if someone made five section pants? We could just constantly keep adding rings like rungs. Oh, man. Dude, just I don't, you know, I bet there's out there. There's fucking shirts. We can look at that fucking hoe. In the middle. No, with the fucking over there. Look at that fucking hoe in the middle no and then with the fucking over there on look

at the fucking hoe with the fucking they there's with the ripped in the butt yeah ho hey yeah oh but a woman can do what she wants sure but yeah ho if you have a fucking rip in your asshole in jeans yeah ho i want to get real. Dude, I always, always love to get Speedos. I love Speedos, bro. I love Speedos, man. I wear Speedos. I don't give a fuck.

I tried. I wanted to wear them at the beach once, and my mom told me I couldn't. I was like 30. My mom was like, Christopher. My balls were peeking out the side a little bit, but that's the joy of a Speedo, man. I love Speedos. You know why you know what dude and for all my French listeners you obviously know where I'm coming from because wearing a speedo is I mean you might as well be holding a fucking like easel or whatever the fuck and like painting because or have a flint french flag on the okay you know what go ahead go ahead you think i fucking okay wear board shorts fine wear shorter shorts fine okay put on a speedo go in

the pool who's laughing now jokes on you bro it's serious business you feel like you're being born that's how comfortable it is. Put a Speedo on. Let your nuts breathe and be in the pool. You're welcome. How's that? How's that? You're welcome. Put a Speedo on.

Be around people. Have them laugh at you. Jump in the pool. You're welcome. You're welcome. Speedos are the shit. You don't know because we're embarrassed. Oh, you're welcome. Speedos are the shit. You don't know because we're embarrassed. Oh, you're embarrassed your dick might fucking poke out the side.

So what? Be a man. Oopsie daisy. Whoopsie. You caught my balls. Guess what? I'm being comfy as shit. And it's for conch.

And dude, yeah, I get it. You know, it's for conch and dude yeah i get it you know it's all you know people think it's you know embarrassing if a fat guy wears a speedo fuck that bro wear it but don't be fat for health health reasons but wear it you get to wear a Speedo just like a skinny guy, motherfucker. Go out there and enjoy your life and be... Yeah, I get it. I get it looks silly. But it's not, though.

It's not. It's not silly. That's how underwear fucking looks. You don't need to wear boxer briefs and shit and the fucking long-ass board shorts. How about that? How about that? When people wear long-ass board shorts

and they're in a pool and they get out of the pool and 40% of the water comes out with it. Hey, dude, you're wearing curtains. Dude, you're in water. What's with all the fabric? Put on a Speedo. Get in the pool.

You're welcome. Chicks wear them. They cover their titties too, but chicks wear them. I bet their pussies feel so good in the fucking pool like that. I want my dick to feel good too, man. Be fat, wear them. And I love how people are like, yeah, it's healthy to be fat though. It's like, yeah, okay.

But some of the pictures are showing it's not healthy to be that fat, okay? Oh, you see these fucking pictures out there online oh props to her for living the way she wants to as she's gonna die early be fat don't be that fat don't be that fat that's it don't be that fat or else you'll die of diabetes don't be that fat. You lose your feet. You're going to fucking lose weight one way or another. You're either going to fucking shut it off working out and not eating fucking donuts, or you're going to get your feet cut off. Doctor with the worst bedside manner ever.

Hey, so you're going to need to work out, or I'm going to have to cut your feet off. Take two of these, Call me in the morning. Yeah. Oh, man. By the way, talk about being fat. I work out so hard. Okay. I crushed six ice cream sandwiches last night. You ever done that shit?

You ever done anything like that? You have? Have you? Okay. Okay. Actually, that makes me feel much fucking better. Six, bro. Okay, so you haven't then.

My producer fucking literally lied to me in this small room. You ever done anything like that? He goes, yeah. I said six. said six he says no which is it bro i fucking ate six and i and you know what dude i chose to be done i could have ate nine fuck that shit that shit i could never stop eating you know how people are like oh how about portions? What? Huh? Portions? Huh? How much did you make? That's mine. What are you talking about portions? Yo, you know how many times I haven't eaten other people's meals that weren't done too. Only when I'm in a professional setting, if I'm with a girl, if I'm with my mom or brother, give me that too, dude.

What are you talking about? Portions? How much did you make? Dude, my uncle's this way too. My dad's not this way. My dad will eat a portion. The fuck? My brother will eat a portion of the portion. What are you trying to fit in a swimsuit? What is your mind doing?

Give me all the taste. Bro, I'm full here, but this shit feels jolly up here still my tongue is dancing dude that flavor is dancing around my mouth yeah i'm working on a fucking i'm working on filling up a toilet bowl in my bottom section but that food is having a fucking mardi gras party dude the pasta in my mouth is yelling at the sauce telling it to show its tits that's how much i want in my fucking mouth it's throwing a 40th over the hill birthday party in my mouth and I'm not done

inviting people. Can my friends come? Yes. Are they tasty? Give me that too. give me that two portions come on dude i mean really i eat till i feel obviously look at me me, I try to take care of myself. I obviously understand, you know, I'm lucky I got a fast metabolism, but I also work out very hard, okay? But bro, I eat sometimes till I feel. You ever eat so much that you feel so gross where you feel like, you know what, would top it off? Just getting a dirty suck you know what i'm talking about if if i was if i ate so much

i was so fat that i just sat here and got a dirty suck like after i fucking by some fucking like you know some fucking like, you know, some fucking like lawyer, just a dirty suck from a female lawyer, you know, that's how fucking much I eat. I eat so much that I would just sit in a curvy position on my couch with my fucking tummy out, just getting a dirty suck from a lawyer. Bro, that's how much I eat. My fucking tummy out. Just getting a dirty suck from a lawyer. Bro. That's how much I eat. Naked.

I'll post. By the way. Fuck Postmates dude. I'll Uber Eats it. And they'll fucking show up to my house. I'll eat all this shit. With my naked as fuck. Dick flopping around.

And then just imagine getting a dirty suck. By the way. I'm not even horny. It's just about the eating. It's about the eating. It makes you feel better that you ate so much. You're like. If I just get a dirty suck.

And watch fucking like The Strain. On TV. And start season. In the middle of season three. just so much disrespect going on, just disrespect and everything. I'll eat, I'll eat all this shit, disrespect my body. I'll get a dirty suck and disrespect my partner and then watch the strain start with season three and disrespect the producers and actors that have worked so hard creating the moment up until season three but just start in the middle in the middle of a show in the middle

of fucking season three episode five in the middle of it just fucking we're all of a sudden where they're like where they're like oh i don't know what to do now that we're surrounded and you just start watching imagine getting a dirty suck and you ate seven ice cream sandwiches and some pasta it's good to have nights like that man i don't mean to be so fucking inspiring but it's good to have nights like that you gotta live a little one time i saw the rock in an instagram video how he was i was like i never had in and out but i took my cast members to in and out and he drove through and they were like hey it's the rock and he got the burgers and he handed the burgers over for his fucking castmates and he didn't eat the burgers i know i know he has cheat days i've seen it but bro if you drive through in

and out you get a fucking burger be disrespectful dirty suck man dirty suck dirty suck you remember that fucking poppy ass song dirty pop they even called it dirty pop that's how disrespectful it was. Dirty Pop. Once with all the back and dancing, dancing, dancing around. When it did that shit. That shit was kind of tight though, right? Justin Timberlake. I'm sick of all these people

fucking touching on my shoulder. I'm sick of people asking for fucking pictures. Brrrow. Dirty pop. We're all the same guy. Brrrow. Look at us put our faces on each other. We got the same haircut except for that weird one.

Chris Kirkpatrick. Why the fuck does his head look like a fucking popple? Dirty Pop. JC Chavez, or whatever, even though his last name should be Chavez. His last name is Chavez. That's fucking ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous

as a blonde tarantula on his head. Dirty Pop. Lance Baxter, of course, is gay. It was never in question his eyes are too blue and he's too good at dancing Joey Fatone it's so weird

that he is definitely the one that weighs the most and his last name is Fat One Joey Fatone's last name is fat one joey fatone's last name is fat one and he's the fat one i mean what what kind of cruel joke was that oh dude was that the song where justinberlake said, I'm tired of

singing? And then did like, dude, in the history of music, there has never been iller shit than when Justin Timberlake says, man, I'm tired of singing, and then just fucking makes farting noises. Goddamn, that's awesome. You know what the most illest fucking moment of music was in the world? Was when in that fucking song with Pharrell and Justin Timberlake, when he says, to nobody, hold my jacket. That is so ill. It's unreal.

That's so ill when that happened. I actually think nobody realized it, but we skipped a year. Hold my jacket. What? Who? What? For no reason. Just felt so dope.

And the song was starting. It was like, and he just goes, hold my jacket. How dope is that? That's fucking James Bond in real life shit. Alright. All right.

All right. So I'm going to do this here. We're going to go. We're going to ask some. Oh, yeah. Well, let me look at Instagram posts. Hold on. I took a few today.

All right. Not today. This week. But I'm just kind of more like, dirty pop. So I'm just like, I want to do Instagram posts. But on the other hand, I'm just like, dirty pop. You know what I mean? Mop, mop, mop, mop, mop, mop, mop, mop, mop, mop.

Oh, fuck. I think I could do that all day long. How annoying is that? You're going to do it too. You're going to try it in the car too. You're listening to me. You're at the office right now doing reports. And you're going to be like, mop, mop, mop, mop and you're gonna be like so dumb dude should i send you should i oh wait a minute isn't there a song

yes where fucking justin timberlake is being so dope is there anybody doper than justin timberlake where he just wills the flutes out? Where he's just like singing, then he just goes, flutes. It's a blim, blim, blim, blim, blim, blim, senorita. No? It's not that one? I think it's that one. Where he's just like, fl and then by the way i don't

even think there are flutes there are flutes after that he just goes flutes the fucking to be like like it's so funny to have guys who like spend their whole life playing flutes and like to practice and become the best flute players and then to be like oh i get to work with justin timberlake and then justinberlake is like, yeah, but it's me, though, that makes you play flutes. That's disrespectful. I think it's Senorita. So anyway, should I do the fucked up Instagram post to the one?

Should I do the one that I sent the group? I mean, that one is just just i didn't even understand it it is very long i'm not going to read the whole thing actually i'm going to read some of it oh okay all right uh no she's actually really sexy i didn't even notice that i just noticed how fucking ridiculous it was No, she's actually really sexy. I didn't even notice that. I just noticed how fucking ridiculous it was. What's up with chicks wearing, like, so much makeup, some of them? And then, like, if you hug them, your shoulder is, like,

you could, like, wring it out and just use the makeup again. I don't know about this one. This one might not be the best one. Okay, here, I'll do this one. Oh, God, I'll do this one. All right. So it is time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. G-gong. All right. Uh-oh. I like that they made the music of that. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. uh-oh, g-gong.

M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m. That's our thing. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, that's our dirty pop. All right, so. Dude, by the way, on Etsy, there's a fucking hand-painted wine glass of Justin Timberlake. And I love how it's $43. Like, who's like, ah, $45 is too much. But like $40?

It took me a while to do it. Let's just settle in the middle and do $43. They should have made it $42.99 for the cootis. All right, so here's the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. I already announced it. So the post is of this tatted up girl, which is cool. I love tattoos.

She's doing a crazy yoga pose. She's grabbing the back of her foot and doing the splits and putting the sole of her foot on the back of her head. Why? Good for the core? Weird. And it's a picture of her doing this.

And someone's taking a picture of her. She's obviously in maybe a yoga studio or something like that. And it's a cool move. You know, she's got a great body. She's got cool blue or green hair or whatever the fuck. And this is the comment. This is the, not comment, caption. Stop looking to other people to validate your existence.

Now, we got to stop right there because you posted this on instagram so already nonsense already you're going against what you said immediately the one person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with is you oh cool thanks robert frost so if you want to be happy for the rest of your life wait is you. Oh, cool. Thanks, Robert Frost. So if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, wait, no. So if you want to be happy for rest of your life, Safarian, make peace with yourself now. Heard that million times. Learn to love and respect yourself. Everybody's mom tells you that. You have to respect yourself to get respect from others. Heard that 97 million times in my life. Know your worth.

Heard it. Happiness is how you see yourself. Okay. Kind of weird one that you just made up. That isn't necessarily true. Happiness is not a person or a circumstance to wait for. Hey, not a sentence. See ya.

You don't need things to be different or to wait for anyone else to start working towards being happier now. No shit. Happiness is being satisfied with who you are, what you have, and where you are going. Hashtag. Oh, wait. No, I'm not going to do the hashtag because then you can find it. So that's pretty fucking stupid. Hey, by the way, all those sentiments are great when you write it on instagram it's nothing

it's not it's not she got crazy cool tattoos though man what is how come working out got so big i remember when people used to just fucking work out and not talk about it and just like just be like uh yeah i'm going to the gym and you'd be like oh cool and now it's like oh I don't know alright I'm going to take some questions I'm going to check the gaming the system I'm going to give him the system

I'm going to check the hashtag congratulations pod this is from Courtney O'Mara court so accuracy do you get BRM when people pronounce your name Court. So, accuracy. Do you get BRM when people pronounce your name Chris Delia? You know, it's just Delia.

That's what it is. It's just Delia. The apostrophe obviously fucks people up, which is just say Delia. It's not, people say Delila. Delia? Delia? I mean, you try, yeah, Delia? Like, fuck, there's not a hyphen in it. It's an apostrophe.

Just say Delia. People try to get get nice with it, like fucking Italian. Delilah? Delilah? D'Elia? D'Eloghine? D'Aniga?

Is it Dirty Pop? Yeah, so it's fucking just D'Elia. Do I get blood red mad? No, i don't get blood red mad it's not really their fault they're just i mean it is a little it's not like smith or i don't know some other shit um um made me laugh when uh Made me laugh when this person wrote, my little brother turns 17 tomorrow and is therefore no longer a baby, but still a baby, you know?

Gray Sally. Gray Sally. People said, you fucking Ibex shit killed me too. Everybody's Ibex shit. They were texting each other that shit um it's free conch shirts available on the website i know you can see it if you're looking at the video um this guy curtis debacker at curtis deb Cool. How do you feel about nicknames? My friend called me The Belgian,

and they've stopped using my real name. Dude, that's really dorky, man. Do not stand for people calling you The Belgian. You know why? You're not in a fucking Guy Ritchie movie. Okay? Nobody has to come talk to you. You know?

We've got to go talk to The Belgian. Who's that? You'll find out. And to the Belgian Who's that He'll find out And by the time we leave You'll be lucky if you have all your fingers Hey man do you wear a suit No don't be named the Belgian You just like fucking go Are in high school you know

Just be called fucking Gavin DeBecker or whatever the hell your name was Can't find it anymore Um Just be called fucking Gavin DeBecker or whatever the hell your name was. Can't find it anymore. Yeah. Dude, if you wear sunglasses inside, you cuda or you're just an asshole? Either way, 100%, don't be having that happen. Chris Fight at Cuda's Buy. Yeah, it's awful my buddy sergio love used to do this joke about he was like brothers love to wear uh sunglasses in the

in the club and then he would do this fucking act out where he would have sunglasses and then walk and he would just like walk be walking all cool and then he would trip into the stool it was actually really funny um no i don't think that one um uh holly coldell at holly is not funny what do you think of people who go on american ninja warrior uh i mean i don't know it's cool it's a stupid course that somebody just made up you know i don't like it's weird that like that became the course and now everyone works to make that course and it's a stupid course that somebody just made up. You know, I don't like, it's weird that like that became the course and now everyone works to make that course. And it's just like somebody just designed that course. It's weird to me,

but you're super fit. I mean, it's gotta be, you gotta be so hard to do that shit. But I watched a guy watch American Ninja Warrior on the plane. He was next to me and he was watching it and he was like going like, Oh yeah. Oh,

like next to me and shaking the fucking, it was like ridiculous. I was like like this guy can't you just watch it um so yeah i don't know uh so that's it that's it i think i'm i'm gonna be done uh but we got all the merch uh at crystalia.com um and you can uh you can you can check out that uh square cash have you switched yet download the free square cash app design your cash card and you can check out that. SquareCash, have you switched yet? Download the free SquareCash app, design your cash card and get it for iOS or Android now.

There's new video episodes up on YouTube and they usually go up Thursdays, if not before. And there's also clips too. You can watch like just certain things that talked about. I want to put up that eating clip. I think that would be a good clip.

I think people will relate to that, Fat Fox. Boone, North Carolina. I'm going to be there at the college there on Wednesday. Or if you're watching the video that came out thursday i was already there charlotte north carolina charlotte north carolina tickets at chrisley.com australia adelaide perth melbourne sydney brisbane and that's in the end of october and then i got columbus ohio and then i have irvine californ, San Jose, California. And then I have Winnipeg. And I am announcing also Calgary, I believe, soon.

Merchandise is getting restocked, and I've got new designs coming soon. So that'll be cool. I actually can't wait to see them. They're actually really cool. We didn't do an elder today, but we'll do it maybe next week. These pins are really cool. I've been wearing one of them. We've only given out three pins so far, and maybe I give one to my brother and producer, even though one fire.

Man, speaking of fire, man on fire. You've got to watch that special, man. I appreciate you watching it. And rate and review and tweet me at congratulationspod or using the hashtag congratulationspod. Yeah, it helps if you rate and review this shit. Because, like I said, if you want to be in this cult and do your fucking duty as a baby, you've got to spread the word of the good, spread the good word of the cult. I mean, that's what it is.

Otherwise, what the fuck is this cult, man? What are we doing? What are we grouping up for? You want to be an elder? You want to be a baby even? Spread the word. Thanks. You guys are great.

Be disrespectful. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucker. Congratulations, motherfucking fuck you. You. Congratulations. Congratulations. You're a fucking fucker. You're a fucking fucker. You're a fucking fucker. You're a fucking fucker.