Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 362. Kenough

Episode Date: February 1, 2024

😮 Get 10-word ads at holler.baby/chrisdelia (PRICE DROP!) 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris has thoughts on Swift and Kelce, Nicki Minaj and Meghan Thee Stallion, Barbie nominations, and doing a new podcast with Callen. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

runk Kelowna, BC, Vancouver I'm coming Rochester, New York, dude I added new shows check it out, I added new shows in, yeah we got the Corpus Christi dates we got Houston, Texas Durham, North Carolina, Norfolk

but I added Grand Rapids, Michigan Fort Wayne, Indiana a place called Saginaw, Michigan, for some reason. Victoria, B.C., I added. Augusta, Georgia, and Chattanooga, Tennessee. Those are the places that I added just recently. Now, so go to ChrisLeah.com and get those tickets. Get the good seats.

I only sell 100 meet and greets each show. Everyone's always like, where are the meet and greets? The day before. And I'm like, oh, well, I can't meet everybody. But I appreciate you guys. Go to chrislea.com and get those tickets. It's all new material, not from Grow or Die, but you can also go watch Grow or Die at chrislea.com.

Anyway, this is Congratulations. My son woke up this morning crying and ran into my room and said, Dad, I got a boo-boo in my tongue. I guess he bit it. And I go, son, me too. And we bonded. Uh, and he hasn't said anything about it since. So that's fine. And I have actually complained about mine. So I bit my, I bit my tongue. Yes, do it. I bit my tongue. Um, and not in the, uh, what do you call it? Sense in, in the actual physical sense, I bit my tongue, but anyway, that doesn't, you know, it's really neither here nor there, I'm excited to get there,

dude, I'm playing a lot of cities that I've never played before, I think they're making cities up, my tour manager's making cities up and telling me that we're going there, because I don't know what Saginaw, Michigan is, but I'm gonna go, dude, and I hope people show up. And here's the thing, dude. There's so many cities out there, and comedians play Boston, Austin, and everything that rhymes with that. You know, they'll do Vancouver. They'll do, you know, they might do El Paso.

Dude, I did El Paso. And honestly, they were the most appreciative people. It was actually very sweet and refreshing. During the meet and greet, they were just like, thank you. So many people said, thank you for coming to El Paso. And people don't really say that when you go to their city because they think their city is the shit because they're in their city. Everybody always thinks their city is the shit it's it's at it's absolutely bonkers actually because guess what there are bad cities did you know that there's bad cities because i went from

el paso to albuquerque now let me tell you something okay we know about my storied history with with albuquerque we know about my feud dude it runs deeper than the Nicki Minaj, Megan Thee Stallion feud. Okay? It runs real deep. It's like on some Tupac Biggie stuff, right? And I don't have beef with Albuquerque, all right? I just tweeted about it once in 2019 about how, I think I said something like, Albuquerque makes Jacksonville look like paradise.

And I was on the news. They were talking to people on the street. We've talked about this before on my podcast. Go back. You can look at the videos. They're somewhere. Just Chris Lee Albuquerque. Anyway, I went back to Albuquerque.

Why? Because I need. Because, dude, if I talk crap about your city, I'm going to come even more so. Because I don't want you to think that I'm scared. Because I'm not, dude. If I die on stage, I die on stage, dude. You know, I'm like one of those, uh, you know, veterans. That's like, I need to get back out there and start shooting, you know, foreign enemies. I just, I can't, that's my life, dude. I'll get out there. If I die on stage, I die on stage. That's the life. I't that's my life dude i'll get out there if i die on stage i die on stage that's the life i that's the life i live that's the life i chose you know i'm talking about but um so i went to albuquerque and i was like dude i wonder if it's gonna get because

people i've gotten many when i say many i mean nine no i'm i'm actually kidding it was way more than nine messages about comments, you know, Hey dude, you better not come to Albuquerque. I'll find you and kick your ass. That kind of stuff. Like, like straight up. Um, that usually doesn't worry me because if somebody's going to kick your ass, they're not going to give you a heads up about it. You know what I'm talking about? If somebody's going to shoot you in the head, they don't want, they don't want you on guard, right? So they're not going to tell you if I say, Hey dude, gonna kill you. You go, I'm, you know what I mean? You get ready. I don't go,

I'm going to kill you. I say, Hey bud, that's nice. Do you like sandwiches? And then stab you in the face, right? You think about sandwiches. You had no idea this was coming. Um, anyway, I went to Albuquerque and it's always the funniest thing about cities that are bad are, and by the way, say what you want about it. I don't understand. There's like a spectrum, right, of cities that are bad that have to the locals will be like yeah but there's a lot of beautiful parts here you know like that's how you know you're in a really shitty city well actually there's a lot of really good hiking here right like that's what they'll say and you're like all right dude but yeah the city sucks you know um and then and then they'll be like the the more offended you get the worse the city right like if i say albuquerque sucks people go yo don't come here this is my city fuck you

in matt do people talk shit about la all the time i couldn't care less and also la kind of does suck depending on your mind frame and who you are okay so just agree with me albuquerque is what it is the crowd was actually the crowd was pretty drunk but it was nice the crowd was good you know there were a few people that popped off, but we had a good time. I mean, of course you're going to be drunk in Albuquerque. Of course you're going to do that because that's, you know, that's it. That art, that like art, that, what is it? Like that Mexican art that they have everywhere.

Everything's turquoise and like deeply like beige red. Those colors suck together, you know? They do, dude. And they'll just have like a circle with like three lines out the top, three lines out the side, three lines out the other side, three lines out the bottom. Like that's not really like that good, you know? But that'll be everywhere. What is that thing? everywhere what is that thing who knows what that thing is the circle with the three lines above it three lines below it three lines out the sides too and they just plastered on everything it'll be on just like the street corners but also flyers and like people will have it just decaled on their car hey dude that's just a circle with

some lines man but they live by it. They love it. And then they'll be like, yeah, that's actually, I'm sure it's like so shitty for me to even talk bad about it. They're like, you actually don't make fun of that because that's our ancestors. And I'm like, yeah, okay, all right.

You know, right? It's a circle with some lines in it. But anyway, dude, they were good shows. Albuquerque was cool. And I'll keep going back to albuquerque all right i'll keep going um and it was fun and el paso was good but uh yeah dude i got a bunch of new cities coming up and i'm gonna do them all and it's gonna be absolutely bonkers i don't know rick ross has a plane engine coffee table so it's like i gotta keep working until i can get a plain engine coffee table i i i what what what happens to rappers dude like what are rappers doing you know i'm saying

like when you get to the certain point like like nelly's missing out you know neelly needs to, what is Nelly doing? Not on Instagram doing like, what up? This is my house. And like with a flamethrower, why is he not? If he's doing that, who would be so, I guess, I guess that's the thing though. You, if you were making, if you made that much money, why would you even do that? I guess I want to stay relevant, but Rick Ross just made up this. I'm going to go ahead and play the worst Instagram video of all time for you guys. Just because why not?

But this is Rick Ross, and he got a plane engine. I just had my table delivered. Been waiting on this a long time. Guess what I did? This is my amazing brunch area. So lonely. This is my amazing brunch area. Dude, even having a brunch area is crazy when you're like, is he married? Is Rick Ross? Rick Ross? Ross? Wife? Hold on a second.

wife and kids ross would really get no he's not engaged anymore okay so rick ross is gay because if you have a brunch table and you're not married you're if you have a brunch area and you have no wife that's fine you suck dicks and that's all good but you do that absolutely right but guess what we did i bought a motor from a 757 outliner. That's right. And now I'm playing a 757 outliner. Wait a minute. Had the blades polished. Had the lights inserted. I can change the lights any color I want to. So sad. Had the table top, the top glass cut. This is custom. This is a Ricky Rosé customization. I mean, you know they request in this brunch area is just

for enjoying the finest spirits of course luke bell as dude it sounds his mouth sounds so juicy it's making me thirsty is that weird it's just has so much drool coming out of it one mcqueen bamboo vion right in front of my one of my favorite fish tanks That you can see on both sides of the wall And wow, we pulled it off Shout out to my team It's amazing I'm happy, I'm finna have me a glass of Bamboo

Of course, I'm gonna have a glass of bamboo Dude, him just sitting, drinking Like alcohol On his You know? Dude, I'm going to ask him how much he... I'm going to ask him. I'm going to DM him right now.

I'm going to DM Rick Ross right now. How much did you spend on the... What do I say? On the Rich Forever. How much did you spend? I'm going to do a voice note actually here. Yo, I honestly want to know how much you spent on the airline table or the air engine table. You said DMU and I think it's like, it's got to be a lot of money, right? table you said dm you and i think it's like it's got to be a lot of money right but i mean it's nothing to you but still anyway let me know if if you said dm you ask that's the first time i ever reached out to rick ross so there we go we'll get back to you there uh on that and we'll let you

know how much he spent on his airline coffee table it's by the way crazy that you can just reach anyone huh dude i'd be so mad if i was r Ross and Chris D'Elia sent me a voice note. I'd be angry. I'd hire a hitman, you know? Like, that's so, that is, yeah, that's, I would regret that I did it, but I'm not going to unsend it. Anyway, yeah, I wonder how much. Whatever. It is what it is.

Um... Yeah, I wonder how much. Whatever. It is what it is. The fucking dudesy thing is crazy, huh? The George Carlin AI. Which, by the way, is fantastic. And Chad Colchin wrote it. I know he did because he's a writer and I know that he did that. And they pretended it was ai of course and that's fine but then george carlin's estate sued him because they're saying they're using his you know an ai generator voice and pretending like it's him and i guess they're

making money off of youtube of this thing which is uh i go back and forth on it like you're gonna use someone's voice voice to make money i guess that person should get the money right but it's also not their voice but it is catalogs of their voice then put out into the world as them so it is is their likeness, their voice likeness, right? So I guess they should get some money. Let's just figure this out. But everyone knows it's not George Carlin. I mean, except for some idiots, you know, that are probably like,

like I had a bit on Instagram that was where I said, my son's white and then somebody literally commented like i don't understand he's white why would his son not be white is his did he have was he with a mixed race person or something or like and it's just like oh my god dude uh-huh so um people like that would maybe see it and be like no this has to be george carlin but like it's not george carlin it's chad colchin writing it and doing it and i really it's like the first of its kind lawsuit kind of like i just wonder i wonder what the hell will happen but

anyway it was amazing chad did a great job and then um and then yeah i don't know what's going to happen, though. How do you make, how do you, they're going to sue him anyway? Whatever. There's going to be so much fake shit out there. It's going to be unbelievable. Like just videos of people. I saw, somebody sent me a video of a chick on a bed in a bikini. And they're like, this is AI. And I, and I actually still don't believe it. It's not, they sent it to me and I said, no,

it's not AI. And they're like, it is AI. And I was like, no, it's not. And I don't think it is. So there you go. I'm old. I don't believe in the technology. I believe in the technology, but I don't believe the technology is there yet. So I'm old. I'm basically, you know, somebody who's 80 on Facebook that is like clicking on some military guy's message because I think he thinks I have a crush on him or because I think he has a crush on me because he's talking to me, flirting with me and I'm going to elope with him

and then he's going to scam me out of money. Almost happened to my mom. Just kidding. She's married, but you know what I mean? So yeah, I don't know man just trying to you know navigate through life you guys are good I was working out today and

dude it was absolutely I don't know what was going on but I'm weak and I'll admit it I'm weak dude I tried to do squats I'm weak I tried to do single leg rear foot elevated split squats I'm weak I tried to do deadlifts I'm weak. I tried to do single leg, uh, rear foot elevated split squats. I'm weak. I tried

to do deadlifts. I'm weak. Then I did pistol squats and I'm weak and I'm pissed dude at it. I'm pissed at it, man. I can't fucking squat more. And I want to squat more. I, it gets me angry, dude, whatever, man. I hope people at the gym don't listen to this podcast. Cause I want them to see me struggling. I know my secret life about talking about the gym on podcasts i don't like that somebody came up to me today and they were like hey man i listen to your podcast and i just got like genuinely like oh fuck i wonder which one he listened to recently i'm such a dick i'm a piece of shit great great great that's a tape that plays on my head great are you insecure like me what's up um that plays in my head. Great. Are you insecure like me? What's up?

I don't know. I want to talk about this is what I want to talk about. One of the number one things I want to talk about because this is such a thing we would talk about on congratulations. By we, I mean me. And I don't understand it

and I'll never understand it and i'll never understand it and actually i do understand it do you understand what i'm saying um barbie like he here's the thing if you stay offline you don't know that people are upset that margot robbie didn't get nominated for barbie all right. I didn't know that. I'm pretty offline. All right. My wife is like, have you heard about this Barbie shit? I was like, no.

What is it? She was like, people are really outraged that Margot Robbie didn't get nominated and then Ryan Gosling did get nominated. And so I look it up and, you know, it's 3% of the people on Twitter

that absolutely make it seem like it's, you know, an outrage, which it's three percent of the people on twitter that absolutely make it seem like it's you know an outrage which it's not but they are i i mean i can't believe their argument is so invalid and their argument is wow this movie did so well how could it not get nominated for best director how could it not get nominated for best actress margot robbie when it was so good made so much money and ryan then ryan gosling got nominated like they're like oh here come the men again everyone loves men first of all have you ever read anything online lately men men are the devil okay so drop that drop it because people don't you know yeah okay men have some privileges i guess but then so women right but ryan gosling is i didn't see the movie and i should see the movie but i won't see the movie right so i'm going to develop an opinion about it because i didn't see it and that's truly the

way to watch a movie and talk about it nowadays but i ryan gosling is great i'm sure margot robbie was great okay anyone is lucky enough to get nominated in that movie. That's probably not the best, one of the best movies of the year. Okay? And just because it made a lot of money doesn't mean it's one of the best pictures of the year. Okay?

Often, that means it sucks. All right? You know what movies made a lot of money? Fast and the Furious, Transformers, Captain Marvel, these fucking movies. They're not going to get nominated. No one gives a fuck about them except for like, you know, popcorn eaters. They go and they have a good time or you watch it on your couch, but nobody's nominating vin diesel for fast x because it sucks because he sucks now that doesn't mean margot robbie sucks margot robbie's good but my point is more often than not a movie that makes a billion dollars sucks all right and it's also not the

kind of movie that gets nominated really but ryan gosling did get nominated okay so fine oh isn't that just ironic because the point that barbie makes is how this and that and the other thing and now it's happening in real life that's what people are saying now look at that everything that barbie shed light on it's all for naught because ryan gosling got nominated margot rob Robbie didn't okay well check this out dude what about that other chick that got nominated America Ferrara I think that's her name even though that's not a name she got nominated for Barbie right what's her name yeah she got nominated for Barbie okay so oh so you're leaving that out so you're leaving out that actually a woman got nominated in Barbie they actually did got nominated in Barbie.

They actually did get nominated in Barbie. It's just Margot Robbie didn't get nominated. And you don't just want some of the, you don't want equality. You want more. That's the problem with equality, right? What is equal? What is equal? What is equal? What is equal? What is equal? If you have one of something and one of another thing, that's equal, but there isn't one of something and one of another thing. There's millions and billions of things. There's billions of people. There's billions of food.

There's billions of cars. There's so many billion things. So getting all that equal, it's impossible, all right? People aren't going to be equal. There's going to be different power dynamics with different people. And then also, that has nothing to do with why Ryan Gosling got nominated. All right? Ryan Gosling is great. Margot Robbie is great too. But also, Sparbie.

Sparbie. It's a toy. I think there should be a rule that you shouldn't be able to get nominated for a fucking movie about a toy. I'm sure it's good-ish. But you can't say, what the fuck, here the men go again. Here the men go again. Of course. You know what?

I've had enough. go again of course i you know what i've had enough well america ferrara got nominated yeah but where we want them we want more it makes no sense the argument falls on its face and most people understand that remember when they made the movie a while ago with that woman uh uh who got nominated that everyone was like outraged that she there was this woman that was in a movie that barely no one saw yes andrea andrea rise borrow um and and what was the movie? Nowhere Girl or something? To Leslie. So this movie just somehow got nominated because she's great. And she actually is a great actress.

Okay. She got nominated. And there was such an, and by such an, I mean the 3% of the people on Twitter that were making a big thing about this. They were saying it was controversial because, well, let's just call it the way how it is, is because she was a white woman and people were mad that other people of color didn't get nominated when she did and nobody even saw this movie. so they bent the oscars bent and did an investigation about if they could do if they could have uh if the campaign was legit if the oscar campaign was legit dude an oscar campaign is about popularity and money it costs you know it costs like i think it costs twenty

thousand dollars to put your movie in for best picture or something like it's part of the budget it's a lot of money hey dude if it costs that much it's crooked okay it's crooked all right the best sock the best oscar goes to doesn't matter it's crooked? Like, so the fact that that person got nominated, they put an investigation on this shit because they were like, well, there's a way to get nominated and they kind of must have skirted around it if the Academy voted for her.

Are we making our money? We want to be making our money. We can't just have Andrea Risborough get nominated, but she's fantastic here's the argument here's the other thing she's fantastic she's fantastic i get it if it was vin diesel getting nominated then you could be like dude this is a crock of shit because he sucks another thing another white man but it's Ryan Gosling. And he's great. See ya.

I can't even, I mean, all the awards are such a crock of shit. It sucks. And, uh, and you can put that on my tombstone. You can put it on my tombstone. I love this, dude. How Taylor Swift, liking football. Here, how about this for equality?

Chicks. Taylor Swift, now, because she is Doinkin Kelsey or whatever his name, what's his name? Travis Kelsey. That they have generated three, the NFL has generated $300 million all because of Doinkin. That's crazy, dude.

Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift, Doink, NFL, $300 million. NFL, Travis Kelsey goes, Oh, and Taylor Swift goes, swift goes and then nfl straight up

300 million dollars in that crazy dude in that crazy so how's that for equality huh chicks just buying travis kelsey gear buying you know cutting away to do they cut away to Taylor Swift so much dude she looked at the camera the other day and she says she mouthed go away or leave me alone or something that's gangster I like that so now I'm a fan of hers but it's just like that's it's just a business huh right? Right? Isn't it the craziest shit? Everything's a business. God, it really is disheartening, you know, but hey, capitalism, but hey, capitalism, what's up? You know, it's all good. I'm no communist. Hey, capitalism, what's up? You know, I don't think we should share everything equally. Hey, capitalism, what's up? I'm grateful for capitalism.

That's why people come to my shows. Thanks very much, capitalism. Hey, capitalism, what's up? I'm grateful for capitalism. That's why people come to my shows. Thanks very much, capitalism. But yeah, dude, imagine doinking somebody makes that. Imagine you just straight up start a relationship and then you make the NFL $300 million. God, I would if I were Taylor Swift.

Hey, dude, guess what? I would be the I would think. i hope she thinks she's better than everyone i really do deep down i hope deep down she thinks i hope deep deep down she has thoughts during the day where she's like where she actually thinks and feels when she drives by someone and she's looking at them and she thinks that person's a pissant i hope i that would make me happy if she thought that you know you ever see her dance she kills it um but yeah dude travis kel, everyone thinks he's hot. He's cool. Um, and, uh, I don't know anything about them to be pretty honest. I know nothing about them. I know shake it off and that's all I know. But, uh, Taylor Swift, huh? It's crazy how much love and then hate she gets.

It's crazy how much love and then hate she gets. And people are like, oh, she's mid, you know. You can't get to the top if you're not mid, dude. You can't get to the upper echelon of, you can't make a billion dollars a night on tour if you're that good, people, the population won't like you because the population is mid. Makes sense. Makes sensational. Makes sensational. But yeah, dude. make sensational but yeah dude um

i mean there's there's outliers and there's there's outliers that are big and there are also you know uh what do you call it um exceptions to the rule but also if you're that big you know and she has talent right it's not that she's you know whatever but i'm just saying taylor swift and hailey hailey bailey deserve their privacy just like we all do look at this look at this fucking headline on c on cnn dude what the fuck with cnn cnn will have a headline it'll just be like chairs what do we think of them it's like this is news you know This is news, you know?

Chairs? Too many? That's a headline for CNN. Here we go. How would you feel if complete strangers publicly analyze all aspects of your life? Look at this, dude. Look at this. Look at this article.

How would you feel if complete strangers publicly analyze all aspects of your life and use your name in all manner of stories or product campaigns that had little or nothing to do with you? When it comes to the world of celebrities, there could sometimes be a sense they belong to the public. Yeah, no shit. Okay. Been there. Sucks.

How about this, though? You're doing it. Hey, you're doing it. Hey, CNN, you're reporting about them. You're doing it. Also, CNN, you're reporting about them. You're doing it. Also, also, who's Halle Bailey? I know nothing. Is she on like a, she's probably the new person on like,

they're revamping the Teenage Witch or some shit. Little Mermaid. Really? But who cares about what she's like? She's not big. Is she big? They threw a fit when she got Ariel, right?

Because she's black. I love it. Make Ariel black. I don't care. Do it. I think every role in everything should only be black people. I think that 100%, genuinely, zero whites should have any black people. I think that 100%, genuinely, zero whites should have any acting jobs. Only blacks, only black women too.

And they have to be a man, they have to have a mustache, like a fake one, a really bad fake one. Yeah, look, there was quite the uproar after the New York Times published an opinion piece which speculated about whether Taylor Swift may be closeted as a queer person. You know? Look at this.

Swifties are awesome, dude. That's why I love them. That's why I'm a Swifty. I don't care. That's why I'm a Swifty. I don't care. I just think that that's... I do think that they should leave people alone, but they're not going to, so...

DC Drano tweeted this, and he tweeted, Dear San Francisco 49ers, I know we've all been roasting your city for years but i am offering a two-week truce who the fuck is dc drano some guy oh um a two-week truce no more jokes about poop on the streets and open air drug markets no calling out the record levels of homelessness that magically disappeared for three days to welcome a communist dictator.

None of that. For two weeks, 99% of America will be 49ers fans, but in return, you must defeat the Chiefs. This guy's been watching too much Inspector Gadget, you know? He's like the claw guy, whatever. If you don't, Mrfizer and his girlfriend are going to tour the country as world champions helping elect joe biden you know didn't check with anybody on this just making it up not gonna work world war three will likely follow in a second biden term and millions will die the fate of the free world rests upon your shoulders no pressure bro people are nuts huh also san francisco bro i actually did see did see someone

shitting in between two mailboxes when i was in san francisco once so i did and i go whoa dude they're making a delivery he was shitting hold. He pulled his pants down between two mailboxes, taking a fucking grump. And it was so gross. And you had to hand it to him. When a guy's like, I'm gonna make this area my toilet and you're around. He's not like in private. That dude's gangster. And you just got to hand it to him.

I've told you this before one time dude by the way san francisco been that way people are talking about it now ever since 2020 like how it's bad san francisco been that way it's a capital of people crying in cars it's the capital of it you just walk by somebody in the street on the street you cross You cross the crosswalk. You look at the first car. There is a 15% chance that person's going to be crying. Just in the car. It's the saddest place to cry in your car.

It's the place I've cried the most. But yeah, man, I saw people crying in their car. I saw somebody get robbed. I saw two people, no joke. This is serious. Fucking in the street. They were both men. That's real. Saw it. Guy plugging another guy on the street, not the sidewalk. Hey guys, move. Fuck. But move. Seen it.

Don't tell me you didn't see it. Seen it. I have my eyes. I used them to see it. I'm still me. I remember it. Saw a guy shatter a glass door of a checks cashed place. Seen it. Saw guysed place. Seen it.

Saw guys get arrested. Seen it. In San Francisco. All in the same week. And it was freezing. Yes! San Francisco. Well, don't go there in January.

I wasn't. I was there in August. Dude. San Francisco is always cold. So there you go. It's always cold. And people are shitting in between mailboxes and fucking in the street and slamming doors and checked cash places and also crying in cars.

10% of 50% of people are crying in cars. Yep. So that's what's up, dude. But anyway, I'm not here to talk shit about cities, even though I've talked shit about more cities in this podcast than I have in any other episode. I will be. I am booking San Francisco, by the way, even though I've talked shit about more cities in this podcast than I have in any other episode. I will be. I am booking San Francisco, by the way, so I will be there. So come on out.

I'm back. It was so hot. I had to get the air pumping. We don't have a vent in this room. I should do that. But I don't want to. Whatever. You know what?

I was in. I was in. I got back from the road yesterday from Albuquerque. I should have known. I'm such an idiot. This is how much of an idiot I am. My, so my friend Skylar Stone sent me a screenshot of Kristen's, my wife's, um, of Kristen's, my wife's story and said, A, tell your wife to stop fixing your house. It's fine.

You know, ha ha ha. I'm like, oh yeah, I know, I know. I didn't check the story, okay? I didn't think about it. I just got that text and thought, yeah, she's always doing that stuff. And then I forgot it. And then I came home and the whole wall, the biggest wall in our house is a different color now. Okay. Which is fine, but also check with me, but also I don't care. But, and then there is a legit frame

around our TV because she saw it on Pinterest or something like she made it. She made the frame. Okay. She made it, she made it gold and made it, put it together on the TV. It looks kind of nice. on the TV. It looks kind of nice. I get home. She's like, I didn't, I hid you from my story. I didn't want you to see. I hid you from my story and Sam from the story who's goes on the road to me. Um, I, I, I changed the house and I go, Oh, that's why fucking Skylar sent me the thing. I didn't think it's how dumb I am. I didn't even think about it and process it. And like, you know, I didn't let it marinate in my brain. I come home to a different house. So she's watching.

We're watching the, the color's fine. It looks all right. We're watching on the TV now that is now now, uh, uh, a picture frame. Um, we're watching the chiefs game. They played the Ravens, right? And I'm watching it.

And Kristen says, it sucks, man. This broadcast, uh, is not good. And I'm like, huh?

She's like, well, whoever's transmitting the broadcast, it gets loud and then soft and then loud and then quiet. It sucks. So say, oh, yeah, that's weird. Odd, because it's such a big game. They figured it out and dialed it in. Yeah. David Sullivan is over.

And he's like, oh, really? That's weird. Check other channels. We didn't. She goes in the other room. And I look to David. And I'm like, yo, it's the frame, right? It's covering up a fucking sensor or some shit like that?

She says, she comes back and says, babe, it's the frame. She's like, no, no, no, no. It's been happening, she said, before the frame she's like no no no no it's been it's been happening she said before the frame and i was like oh did it and it and here's the thing about my did it did it hey no it didn't and i know it didn't and and she knows it didn't? So what are we talking about here? This is bullshit. Why don't we just start saying blalu flaliput? Because those make as much sense as what we're saying right now.

Because it didn't happen before the frame. Because the one thing that changed since the volume was... Well, what's different? What two things are different right now? The volume's going up and down, and there's a frame around our TV. That's it. That's it. I'm still the husband. You're still the wife.

David's still farting on the couch. All right? Everything's the same. So you could argue that one has to do with the other. Now, the volume going up and down didn't make the frame appear. So what's left? Oh, the frame is fucking up the volume. But she won't hear it.

So I say, okay, hey, look, if it was happening before, it was happening before. Surely you won't lie about that. It's all good. We'll drop it because I'm not going to. What am I going to do? Right? Because also the frame looks nice. I don't want her to feel bad.

It actually does look nice. So we turn off the game. Later on, we turn on Netflix. The volume's going up and down. He knew it, dude. i'm no colombo i'm no mentalist okay i'm no woodward and bernstein but i figured it out you know why i used deductive reasoning with my simple brain i did it okay the frame's still on it it's been fucking two days the volume's going up and down. Yes, dude. That's so what it's like to be married. That is so what it's like to be married.

You know what I'm talking about? You're right. You're right. And it's not worth it to even push it. Do you know what I'm talking about? God, it's not worth it. That's why. That's why.

That's why. that's why, that's why I think like, bro, I was on here. Here's, here's, here's, here's a great thing. I was on tour. All right. And my, my tour manager, I was like, I was scrolling through Instagram, right? I follow a lot of CrossFit people. I see this CrossFit woman who has got like crazy abs like crazy abs she has uh like it looks like the the the bread um the bread fucking buns you know

what i'm talking about just like popping out i've like never really seen abs like this and i'm like god man this chick has the craziest abs. They're really defined and popping out. And so my tour manager's like, oh, let me see if they're that good. I showed it to him, and he goes, well, yeah, she eats clean, and she works out a lot. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I know. But they're really great. They're well-defined, but they're really great they're they're well defined and they're they're

they're they're really popping out and he says well yeah but she's maintaining it and i'm like yo i can't pick something you would say that would make me more irate. No shit, dude. I'm like, yeah, okay, so what are you saying? He's like, yeah, so I'm saying, so, I'm saying, are you not, it's not impressive? And he's like, no, no, I'm saying, so it is impressive. So then what the fuck are you saying? She works out, of course she works out.

She's a CrossFit girl, and she fucking eats lean. Of course she eats lean. And she's always working out abs. So what the fuck are we talking about here? And I did it. And we got to that level where I was just like in that zone of like fun argument where I'm like, if I were doing this with Kristen, what ended in tears? Mine. Ultimately, right? So I'm just like, man, that felt good. Afterwards, I thanked So I'm just like,

man, that felt good. Afterwards, I thanked him. I'm like, that felt good, bro. Thanks for letting me get that shit out, you know? I come home and I eat the frame argument, you know? Nah, it's not, of course it's not the frame. I got it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like

jerking off so you don't have to have sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I'm good. Dude, the frame is making the volume go. Oh, it's not? Oh, okay. That's okay. I argued with Enrique. I'm all good.

Insane, dude. Being married. My first marriage, I was married when I was younger. I know. I always clarify that, but, um, my, my wife, my ex-wife decorated the house. Like, honestly, two chicks lived there, not a guy, not a married couple. And that's, and every time she would put something new up, like a fucking, like a bistro table or like, uh, know, curtains that like I wouldn't even, I would, I'm like, whose are these?

Like so feminine. I would, I would be like, oh man, my place is like pussified. But then immediately I would go like this. I don't, I don't care. That's, that, I can't think of a more definition than being married as a guy than that. Then being like, Oh dude, this thing happened because my wife did it. Oh, who cares? Because it's not worth. And besides that, And besides that, you also don't really care, right? You know why?

You're not a chick, right? Because women do be decorating, man. They really do be. Every time I come home from the road, something's different. So that's cool. Every time I come home from the road, something's different. I'm going to come home from the road one day and be like, open the door, come in. There's going family i'm gonna be like what the hell's going on what the oh kristen hey we did we moved yeah yeah i was done with that house i finished it i created what i wanted to and now we're at another house get ready for five more

years of decorating whatever and and you know what? Here's me. Here's me. All right. They came with me to Phoenix. I did my Phoenix show two, three weeks ago and, um, two weeks ago, whatever. Oh, and I have the video out the Brian Cal where I cry. So I was in Phoenix and Brian was in Phoenix just by happenstance. Isn't that crazy, dude? Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways. I'm gonna start saying that a lot now. And, um, he was in, I was in Phoenix and he was in desert Ridge, which I, you don't know, I don't know what the fuck that is, but he, I'm always playing the actual spot. And then he's always playing like 30 miles out of the actual spot. So, uh, I'm like, all right, dude, Sunday, I'm going to stay and I'm going to crash your show. And he's like, oh,

okay. So I came on Sunday and he was like, do a spot before me because I want to work my hour and I want you to watch it. And I'm like, I got to watch a fucking hour. He's like, yeah, because I want to know what you think. And I'm like, oh, I got to fucking pay attention. Now I do my spot did well. It was nice. Sat down, watched about 40 minutes of his act. And I'm like, I'm going to go, I'm sitting with Kristen. I'm like, I'm going to go backstage. i don't want to you know so i crashed his i'm sitting backstage an hour and 20 minutes the guy does i did fucking 20 he did an hour 20 and then another comic did 20 before me

hey audience you're held hostage hey you're laughing right now because you don't know what else to do. And by the way, his hour is good. It's actually probably the best stuff I've ever seen him do. But bring me, he wanted me to come on afterwards and fuck around with him. Bring me on, dude. Dude, I'm back there playing Royal match. Bring me on, dude, tell him story after story, okay, that's fine, but then cut out how you wish you could kill a bear with your bare hands, you know what I'm talking about, dude, hey, leave that bit out, bring me on, so I went on, and we roasted each other for a while, for like eight minutes, I put it on my YouTube channel, so it's on there, you can go check it

out, and you know, people are always like hey start a podcast with brian it'll be the number one podcast you gotta fucking start it's so funny i'd watch that instead of this and that and dude first of all not necessarily second of all dealing with brian is like it's it's so hard dude because you you're like yeah three o'clock and then at 3 45 he's like i'm almost there and you're like oh i'm just not i don't you know maybe i'll do it maybe in the future we'll do a a podcast but trying to wrangle him is just, it's just, he's got his head up his whole asshole. Comics, dude, they're crazy. We, I did the show at the improv last night, David Lucas's show at the improv last night.

That dude is so great. And he's so funny. and he's, he's starting to, he sold out two shows at the improv. I did both of them and the dude is just really blowing up. Look out for him. He was, I think he, I think he blew up from Kill Tony, I think, but the guy's great. He roasts a lot of people, which is funny, but also

besides that, he's great. But both of the things are great. And it was just a fun hang dude you ever like you ever go somewhere this is the best right you go somewhere you don't know what to expect it's going to be not because you're like i wonder how it's going to be but because you're not thinking about it you're just like i'm gonna go and do that thing and then that's it you start getting ready you start driving you start getting there And you don't think about the thing. You're just going through the motions, right?

And then you get there. And then all of a sudden, things are like, oh, it's that guy. Hey, what's that? Oh, yeah, chicken sandwich. Oh, that's actually really good. Oh, cool. Hey, I'm really connected with my wife. Oh, this and that going on.

Oh, cool. Oh, it's a nice new person I'm meeting. And then you got that moment in your head where you're like, hold up. This rocks. This is an ill time. Hey, you know what I'm having? A great time, right? Now, it's great because it's unexpected. You didn't know it was going to be a great time right now it's great because it's unexpected you didn't know it was going to be a

great time but the people were there the hang was nice did good sets that's cool watch some nice comedy i don't watch it i didn't watch it i don't watch anybody but like i guess i'm here to just say like that unexpected good time. Oh dude. It's so dope. And it, that's why Vegas always sucks because you're like, fuck yeah, dude. Gonna win 5k and you know, if you're single, gonna get sucked off. And then you don't and you don't. You lose 5K and you jerk off at the Luxor and you're not even staying at the Luxor. You know what I'm talking about?

Everybody has a podcast now. It's so annoying. God damn it. It's so goddamn annoying. I got three. Is Brendan Shaw really quitting stand-up? I don't think he is, but he said he's going to stop doing it

for a while because of everything going on with his family. I understand that dude, actually, because he needs, you know, being there, we get three kids and then he had medical issues with his newborn. I'd shut shit down.

But since that's not happening, I'll be in Chattanooga and Vancouver. But yeah, dude, that's hey, if you're making a grip on the podcast, who cares? Just do podcasts. and Vancouver. But yeah, dude, that's... Hey, if you're making a grip on the podcast, who cares? Just do podcasts. You don't have to go anywhere. Maybe I'm jealous.

That's the thing, dude. If I made... Well, obviously, I make money doing podcasts, but bro, if I made $100 million, bro, not that he did, but I'm just saying, you'd never see me again, dude. You'd never fucking see me again. And I mean this with the utmost sincerity. You wouldn't see me on the internet. You also more importantly, wouldn't see me anywhere. And I'm talking to friends. If you're listening to this, I would just be in my house,

to friends. If you're listening to this, I would just be in my house, Postmatesing, Amazoning bro with sitting on money, like legitimately physically sitting on money, dude, I would be done. I'd be with my wife, my kids. I have more kids. I'd have 50 kids. I'd invite people over if they wanted to come over. If they didn't, if they said, no, let's go see a movie. I go like this. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. Message C5. I'm not fucking with you, bro.

Bye. The second I make a hundred milli. Bye. I call everyone. I go. No, I don't. I don't. I don't call everyone.

I changed my outgoing message to bye. That's what I do. I tweet bye. I threads bye. I put up an Instagram video where it's me going bye. I get an only fans. I show my cock. I say bye. I'm done dude. Subscribe for free on my only fans. Bye. Cock out. Just rubbing off on it in the kitchen. Bye, I'll be here from now on. Never see you again, some of my friends. Oh, hell yeah. And feel good about it, dude. Dude, what about Nick Minaj and Megan Thee Stallion? I alluded to it early on, but they got a beef going or what? I love how when it's like beef explained.

The Washington Post. Dude, I give up. This is on the fucking Washington Post? Beef explained, you know? Megan Thee Stallion released her biting song, Hiss, on Friday, a punchy diss track that takes aim at the haters and critics she's encountered through her career.

She mentioned Mariah Carey and Kris Jenner in jest on the track, while appearing to make point of references to Drake and her ex-boyfriend Tory Lanez. But her words stung for Nicki Minaj. No news is news anymore. Are you kidding me? Wow. no news is news anymore are you kidding me wow and then minaj made a she made uh she was critical of megan's song going as far as to record her own response diss track called bigfoot i mean this is fucking stupid you know I love this song ever since Tupac after that.

It's just like when you realize it's, Oh yo, Hey, you're just rhyming, dude. Hey, write a Dr. Seuss book and mail it to them.

This isn't hardcore. You know, it's all a business, right? Because I mean, on one sense, it's hardcore because you're talking shit to someone. But on the other hand, you know, you're just basically going grinding, finding. You're just rhyming, you know? I don't know.

I guess she got shot in the foot, though. So. She got shot in the foot, and then Tori Lanez went to jail. That's crazy. How long did you get for going to get shot in the foot? How many years is he going to be in jail? Tori Lanez, could you look it up?

I watched this thing on Netflix the other day, toughest prisons. And this guy is like, I was, I was, he goes to different prisons around the world. He's going to jail for 10 years, Jesus. He'll probably do like seven or eight for shooting a foot. What are you in here for?

Shooting a foot. Who's my girlfriends? Turn around. And pull your pants down. Hey. You guys are the shit. Thank you for watching. That's it for YouTube.

But if you want to watch the rest of the episode, go to patreon.com slash crystalia. And you can get all the other episodes of congratulations in their entirety, how they're supposed to be listened to. episodes of congratulations in their entirety, how they're supposed to be listened to. And also you get the extra episode a month, which we've been doing this for what, three years now? You get all those free. Well, for $6. If you pay $6, then you get them free, but you still get paid. You get charged $6, but also you don't get them free, but you get the extra episodes and nobody else gets them is what I'm saying. So there you go. Thanks a lot, guys. Appreciate you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.