Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 363. Try My Product

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

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Hey guys, I'll be in Kelowna. It's coming up. Those tickets are going crazy. I don't know if it's sold out. We keep opening up more levels to it. Vancouver, I'll be there February 10th. Second show, there's two shows. Rochester, New York.

Kitchener, Ontario. Shreveport, Louisiana. Houston, Texas. And I got a bunch of new dates that I just added. Fort Wayne, Saginaw, Victoria, Augusta, North Charleston, Chattanooga. Anyway, that's what's up. And then also you can watch my special right now, chrislea.com, Grow or Die. And I appreciate you. So thanks. and here we go with the new episode of congratulations it is uh i also want to say you know guys look the Patreon is on and popping. You get an extra episode every month and extended episodes. Go on over and sign up.

Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. It's on and popping, as Young MC would say in 1999 or whatever it was. On and popping. And this on and popping. And this on and popping. And this on and popping. That was the popping and his own and popping and his own and popping. That was the song. And it was so bad. And I remember liking it so much because I was young. And now I guess, you know what? I'm going to listen to it after this. So there you go. I just give you my schedule. That's all it is really just giving you my schedule.

This podcast is really just honestly giving you my schedule and what happened and everything about what happened in my past and then what I'm going to do so whatever I don't know it's already boring yes dude but anyway there's a storm here in LA there's a storm out here there's a big storm and it's actually crazy my mom texted me let's see look here we go look at my mom my mom you look like all moms my mom says something over and over again and like all moms would say the reason why they do that is because you never listen right but i listen okay i'm 43 now uh and uh i listen and the the media is making it out to be like this storm is crazy outside and i guess it is but also los angeles just kind of doesn't look there are things

that are happening i think in every rain probably people slip and fall and hit their head and die and stuff or, or drown, you know, or, you know, a gas line gets hit by a, uh, a thing. And then the guy's got to come out. I think that that happens every rain, but also in LA when it happens, it's, it's so rare that it happens, I guess that it makes news and it's like storm alert storm watch 2024 storm view storm gander storm storm storm watch 2024 guy got stuck in a sewer storm gaze 2024 and um storm site and so uh so they'll do that and then you'll be like whoa all right hey can't go can't go end of sentence because can't go anywhere right people might be like where no that's the end of the sentence can't go so um So, um, I, uh, I, I, I, we stay inside and then all of a sudden we look Uber. Yes, dude.

Uber eats postmates door dash. They're all canceled. Yes, dude. They're all canceled because of the storm storm watch storm site storm view 2020 to 2024 storm gander. view 2020 to 2024 storm gander and so um so we're like all right well we're okay what do we do dude we just i guess we just sit in the house you know i got two kids got the nanny with us got a friend over last night and storm gaze hit and he stayed over because he was like well i guess i'm it was david sullivan's i guess i ain't gonna leave i. You know, I, I don't need to ombele up the hill if I have to come back.

So, um, so we went to, uh, so, so we were in, in our house, fell asleep, raining like cats and dogs, all good. You know, woke up David's in my house i guess still didn't know kristen was like wake up david's here also you have therapy yes got stuff wrong with me so went to do therapy on zoom and also also um the thing about it is i thought the the wi-fi was gonna crash didn't thought the power was going to go out didn't got a generator anyway it's all good but um so we're doing it we wake up and i turn on the news they're showing like pictures of cars sunk into like ditches a house that fell down and like a guy's talking to the camera like yeah it was pretty dangerous and scary and i and you're like oh okay we gotta call uh uh bruce willis and ben affleck because it's storm gaze and so i'm like well what are we gonna do for food no? No Postmates. Yes. No DoorDash. Yes, dude. So my wife, I'm like, you know, look, why don't we take the, look, I got some nice cars. Why don't we take the Audi though? Right. Why don't we take the, it's a nice, it's a nice car, dude,

but it's an SUV. Why don't we let the nice SUV do its business out in the rain? Why don't we, why don't we let the nice SUV do its business out in the rain? All right. Why don't we why don't we let the nice suv do its business out in the rain all right why don't we let it do its business out in the rain me behind the wheel and i'll avoid the potholes i won't even look at my phone while i'm driving which i normally do don't tell my wife but i didn't because it's storm gaze all right so she says all right here's the list of stuff you got to get to the grocery store i don't want to do it dude i hate getting stuff at the grocery store dude who hates stuff getting stuff at the grocery store me Dude, who hates getting stuff at the grocery store? Me.

Why? Oh, you always get the wrong thing. The audience. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, sorry. We didn't want that kind of cream cheese. Oh, you got the wrong kind. But what kind did you want?

Oh, it was actually right next to it. You looked at it with your fucking stupid face, and then you got the wrong kind. All good. You got... And so, bro, these are the things my wife tells me to get. Check it. So we decide, I decide to go out and brave this storm, okay? Now I'm like driving to the, what do you call it?

Driving to the supermarket, market, whatever. Hey, LA. Hey. It's fine. Dude, I know that a car got sunk in the thing. And I know that there was, there were mudslides. And I know that maybe like a five-year-old drowned in the rain, but Hey, that happens every rain. My heart goes out. God bless. Sucked you lost your car, daughter, whatever it is. But like, you ride around you're just you're just like

oh it's not that bad and i go like this hey but hey la there's seattle though hey la there's vancouver you're all good okay went did the shopping came uh didn't even get coffee dude because i was like i don't want to. Went home, dude. There was part of the roadblock, part of the road that I went to take home was blocked. Still turned around. I got pissed off because I wanted to. Dude, they go like this.

My nanny says, don't take this one road. It's going to be bad. You know what your boy thinks. Taking it, right? Because I'm taking it because I got to see what it's like dude right so i want to get the suv i want to let it do what it do i want to let it do its business i want the suv letting it do its business so i'm behind the wheel i'm like i'm gonna go on the road that she said not to go down because dude i'm gonna go check it out i want to i like i'm i'm

the kind of guy who likes making the splashes, you know? I don't avoid them. I go right into them. And I let it on the window, you know, like an idiot. Do you do that like a jackass? I'm 43 and I'm just like, oh, and then I get a little bit scared, right? There's always that one little hydroplane. And then my wife, every time it rains, did you know that if you have to hydroplane, you're supposed to turn into the the spin always and i'm like i i know honey you say it you always say it and also

it's common knowledge and then i'm like wait if a hydroplane happened guess what dude i'm cooked i'm cooked because i go like this turn in what way What way is in? What way is in? Out, out, in, in. Turn in. Is that this way? Or oh, that's me. Because you know turn in. But what is turn in? Because you're going that way. The back end is coming out this way.

But the front end is going this way. Does that mean turn into the front way? Or turn into where you're supposed to be in the back? Or what, dude? I just, whatever it is, I'm hitting an embankment. So I did the, you know, the splashes. Oh, oh. You know, I'm alone in my car, 43-year-old man, with a fucking huge jacket on

because I never get a chance to wear it. And get to the middle of where our friend said, don't take down the road. Completely blocked off. Yes. Dude, completely blocked off. So pissed off. Got to turn back around, go the way that she told me to come, the friend. And so I did that.

But, uh, this is the stuff my wife told me to get. Half and half cream cheese, Brussels sprouts, three Brussels sprouts, five pounds of Yukon gold potatoes, and vegetables, and whatever vegetable you want with salmon tomorrow. Now, check this out, dude. I get there. First of all, I went to Erewhon, all right? Erewhon is a high-end grocery store in LA. It's so high-end that they did a collab with Balenciaga and you're just like,

Hey, you're basically sprouts chill. And, uh, they said like Erewhon hats for like $500, but Erewhon Balenciaga hats. So I get there Erewhon, your aisles are too, your aisles are too narrow. Take out one of the aisles, make them bigger. All right. Make them all bigger. They're too narrow. Dude, there was this old lady at the fucking Erewhon. And every time I went to go down the aisle, she was coming to the other end.

And because I'm younger and spry, I got to be like, oh, okay, I'll go back around. And I go back around because she wasn't doing it at all. Dude, one time she came up to me behind me and she just goes like this uh and i look back she goes uh and she just fucking i moved a little bit because she wasn't going to talk and i'm just younger. So I go, oh, sorry. Can you text them to turn that down? I mean, it's so loud. Hey, just, uh, open it up. I'll scream out. Hey, uh, Kristen. Hey, Kristen. Can you turn that down whatever's blaring no no no no the music whatever that is yeah um can you turn it down she said that was just the baby laughing like like like Billy has a knob on him um uh yeah the equalizer the equalizer on his leg um so so I'm I'm at arrow one dude and the

fucking god damn it, dude. I don't understand. The thing barely fits. The car barely fits. But anyway, I get the fucking stuff and I go to one of the guys. They are not short on workers at all. Okay. They have so many workers there.

They're like, um, what's that one place where you go and there's just so many people that work there. What the fuck is it? Uh, can't remember. Yes, fine. It's all good. I need to get in a couple of a lot. So I asked the guy, I said, hey, man, where's your cream cheese?

Because he's right there, dude. And fuck it, you know? Because when I go to a grocery store, I'm like, I battle on, I battle like, do I ask them where it is or do I just use looking? Because that's such, that's so annoying, dude. If I worked at a grocery store and people were just like, where's the milk? I'd be like, hey, did you go to the N's? It's probably one of the N's, right?

But so I'm there, but then also he's right there. So I just, you know, I say,, Hey bud, where's the cream cheese? And the guy looks at me and he says, ah, it's over where the milk is. And I said, without even thinking, oh, and started walking nowhere. You know why? Cause I don't know where the milk is. But that was the end of the conversation. And the reason why I knew was the end of the conversation is because I already spun out and walked away and started walking away from the dude. Okay. So I'm not going to go back and be

like, Oh wait, hold on. Where's the milk? The guy fucked me. And that dude is a gangster. And that's how I would be the person who worked at the, it's always, it's always fascinating how much somebody at a supermarket that works in a supermarket, they know where fucking everything is, bro. You could be like, uh, strawberry chapstick. You're like, Oh dude, nine at the bottom over on the right. And you're just like, Oh, are you rain, man? You just fucking waffles, waffles, peppermint waffles down, down, down there to the left peppermint waffles down down down there to the left peppermint waffles say things that don't exist don't know where they are foot candy down over up on the top up above the toilet paper foot candy um yeah so i got this cold brew from arowanawhon and it sucks. That's all good.

Everyone's so nice at Erewhon, though. It's kind of, it's nice, but why do I also, am I also annoyed, dude? Like, what the fuck, dude? Like, I was talking to my therapist today and he was like, well, you know, I was talking, getting real deep with him today and I was talking to him and I was like, well, yeah, you know, you know, stuff in my past, like I, you know, I, I've, I've betrayed, you know, I've betrayed partners and this and that. And he was like, well, you know, something that comes to mind is he was like, let me ask you, uh, you know, and I hate to be so, you know, cause so right off the bat, it was in the beginning of

the beginning of the, um, session. And he said, but said, but look, you're a lucky guy. You got your wife. You're really lucky. Let me ask you something. Do you think you deserve her? And I go. and I'm like but it's just Monday and part of me is like are you saying I don't deserve her because since but then I go a little bit further and think he's asking me the question and then i'm just like and i'm like i have a pretty healthy ego but then i'm like if you have a pretty healthy ego

it's because you're insecure everything is the same right if you scream out, fuck gays, it's probably because you got some pent up stuff and want to get blown in the butthole. Right? Who's just on the level? Dude. So he says, do you think you deserve her? And I go, I don't. I. I don't.

I don't. That was my answer. Dude, I'm't. I don't. That was my answer. Dude, I'm 43. I should know this shit. But I'm just like... I was trying to relate that to the supermarket thing. Wait, and I was mad at... I don't even know anymore.

But it's just like, dude, why is it so hard to know how you feel, bro? I was telling this to my therapist too. I was like, I don't know, dude. And I don't know how I feel. And it's so hard. And I do so much therapy

and I was thinking about this. I was thinking about this. Like the other day I was I, I, it's so hard, and I do so much therapy, and I was thinking about this, I was thinking about this, like, the other day, I was like, dude, it's so hard, it gets harder, and I don't want, I was like, I just don't want, what if I just stopped, you ever think of that, what if you just stopped working on your problems, and you just were committed to being absolutely close-minded and absolutely set in your ways like one of those 1940s fucking dads, you know? We don't do that. We talk about the weather. How are you?

Tell me how you are. Well, I got something bothering me. No, no. How are you? Now say in a good way. How are you? What say, now say in a good way. How are you? What good are you? And tell me about the weather.

You know what I mean? Everything's great. I need to be a 1940s dad, dude. And just everything's fine because if you're that closed off, because also they live forever, dude. You know? They lived so long, and I know that life expectancy is longer now, but it's like, dude, not really because more shit kills you now too. Is it Monsanto or whatever the hell it's called?

What the hell is it called? What is it? Monsanto. Monsanto, whatever the hell it's called. What the hell is it called? What is it? Monsanto. Monsanto. Whatever it is, dude. You know, corn syrup and everything. But anyway, so because and I was like, what if I just did that? What if I just I looked at Chris?

I was like, what if I just stopped therapy? And she was like, that's my nightmare. And I was like, I know, but like, think about this. And I just, like, I could just live, like if a problem happened, it just goes, you know, cause you can just kind of like not do problems. And I know that sounds pretty fucked up, but like, you kind of can, as a guy guy you can kind of just be like that's a problem and you just go they'll be fine and and and and you know i talk about this on stage now but like you can you know of course you can just be that way and then you have to deal with you know a really painful death when you're like 82 right because it becomes that stuff becomes like cancer you know it like becomes like your thoughts of like, fuck it.

I'm not dealing with the bullshit. Hi, how you doing? How's the weather? That becomes straight up. You'll just be like, it'll become any disease. It doesn't even matter. Like you'll be a white guy with sickle cell at the end. It's just like you can't not.

So I guess you got to work it all out. I don't know, man. I'm trying. What am I talking about, all out I don't know man I'm trying What am I talking about dude I don't even know We should talk about the news and stuff I guess the Grammys happened And people were pissed off

Because of Taylor Swift Dude imagine being Taylor Swift And just anything you do Is under a microscope Like from everyone Like she took the, she won an award for best, whatever it is, and then went to get it from Celine Dion. And, and I wouldn't say she snubbed her, but she grabbed the award and was like shocked and then

like hugged someone else. And they were like, Oh, she disrespected the queen, you know? And she's got medical issues and she disrespected fucking my heart will go on uh right that's what she sings and uh later on there's like pictures of them like hugging and dancing together and shit but people are like wow fuck taylor swift hey, you're a loser. Okay. Also you don't need, you don't God do it. My favorite part was there was a response. Somebody was like, wow, look what Taylor Swift did. What a shitty, uh, uh, disrespectful thing to do to the queen. And then somebody under that said, give us 10 minutes. We'll have an excuse. And and it was a she had an icon of uh taylor swift on her thing and then after that she was like oh

this is what happened i it's like man i need people to do that shit for me bro i need i need people to do that shit for me in my house when i get in arguments with my wife just i need swifties in my house that are for me. Like, retired Swifties. They just come over to my house and my wife is like, I told you doing the dishes is your job. If you don't do that,

how am I going to trust you to do other things? Actually, there's much difference between doing the dishes and then also, like, you know, saying that you're going to go do this and then that happens and the Swifty there

just right fucking... I need a retired Swifty at my fucking house dude i don't know but it's storm watch anyway she was everyone was mad at her but she's fine it's fine everything's fine everything's always fine dude let's oh let's fucking look that up this is the thing that we were going to look it up uh how about how the the where's the video of that try my product do we have it yeah he sends it over dude there's this infomercial how about when you realize you remember an infomercial when you were young and you go, oh, shit, today's going to be a day.

You go, oh, shit. Today's going to be in the stall just city. Might as well fucking start getting some might as well get rainbow bright and some dipping dots. And a razor scooter i remembered this the other day dude the end of this you need to know the last second of this is so ill dude i'm gonna play the whole thing it's two minutes got it now i'm gonna play the whole i'm not gonna play the whole thing this is pretty amazing i'm gonna start playing going to play the whole thing. I'm not going to play the whole thing. This is pretty amazing.

I'm going to start playing. Maybe I'll play the whole thing. Dude, this is just... Why can I watch it like this over and over again, dude? Here we go. Do you need to know how to operate a computer? I might. You might know this.

Okay? But this guy is... Do you need to know how to operate a computer hi i'm john shearer ceo and founder of video professor dude video professor like it's a fucking someone in arkham asylum hello i'm the video professor i will show you how you're going to die on a vhs and then do that It seems like everywhere I go these days, somebody is recognizing me as the video professor. Ah, where's recognizing, dude? Hey, are you the video professor? Imagine getting mistaken for the video professor. Are you the video professor?

Oh, are you fucking an alumnus at St. Louis Tech? No, that's because we've been teaching people how to operate computers for over 14 years now. Bro, when did this come out? Over 14 years? No, no, no, that was way longer. You just pay a small shipping and handling. I'm going to the end. The reason I'm going to do this is because I know that once you try my product,

you'll come back to us for all your computer learning needs. And if this doesn't teach you how to run a computer, I'll even refund your shipping and handling. Dude, the end of this. Here we go. We're going to the end. This is so gangster, the end of this. So what have you got to lose? Try my product. Dude!

Try my product. Dude, we would say that all the time. Refund your shipping and handling. So what have you got to lose? Try my product. Dude, we would say that all the time. We fund your shipping and handling. So what have you got to lose? Try my product. Call Video Professor now for your free lesson. Dude, why is it funny? Choose from Windows, Word, Quicken, the Internet, and many more.

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So what do you got to lose Try my product Why does he say it like that So what do you need to lose Try my product Dude wow John Shearer dude Fucking absolutely hung himself You know what I mean Trauma product? Dude, wow. John Shearer, dude.

Fucking absolutely hung himself, you know what I mean? For sure hung himself. 12 years ago. Please, trauma product. The video professor. Such a mouthful. Call it something cool, you know? Jay-Z at the Grammys, dude.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah. What do you win? I usually say the Mississippi Cup. Oh, Impact Award. But Blue's grown up now. She doesn't take Mississippi Cups. And she has her own Grammys.

She does? First of all, thanks to Dr. Trey. He said he allows you somewhere house. He's somewhere up. There he is. Andre Young, thank you, sir. All the doors that you opened, you know, showed us that we can be rock stars, seeing you on the Rolling Stones.

Obviously, there's Run DMC with the Leathers and the Aerosmith. But when you came out west, you took it to a whole new level, put us on covers, Rolling Stone, put us around the world. You and Snoop, all that y'all did, all the records y'all broke, so thank you for this. I can't believe how old hip hop is now. Honored to accept it. Honored to accept it.

And thank you to the Black Music Collective for all the work that you guys do, scholarships for young creators. And hopefully, I'm adding to what you guys are doing out here obviously uh it's uh it's great to have a an award um for such an icon how far we've come with uh Will Smith and them Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince winning their first Grammy in 89 You crazy, huh? Kill him. In 98, I took a page out of their book. I was nominated for Best Rap Album. And DMX had dropped two albums that year. They both were number one.

Shout out to DMX. And he wasn't nominated at all. So I boycotted. And I watched the Grammys. Killing, dude. I'm just saying, we want y'all to get it right. We love y'all. We love y'all.

We love y'all. We want y'all to get it right. At least y'all. We love y'all. We love y'all. We want y'all to get it right. At least get it close to right. And obviously it's subjective. Y'all don't got to clap at everything. Obviously it's subjective because, you know, it's music and it's opinion based. But, you know, some things, you know, I don't want to embarrass this young lady, but she has more Grammys than everyone and never won album of the year. So even by your own metrics, that doesn't work. Think about that. The most Grammys, never won album of the year. That doesn't work. That's his wife he's talking about. Some of you, some of you going to go home tonight and feel like you've been robbed.

Some of you made it, Rob. Some of you don't belong in the category. Yeah, dude. No, no, no, no, no. No, when I get nervous, I tell the truth. Wow. But outside of that, outside of that, you know, we gotta keep showing up.

And forget the Grammys for a second. Just in life, as my daughter sits and stares at me nervous as I am. That's crazy. Just in life, you got to keep showing up. Just keep showing up. Forget the Grammys. You got to keep showing up until they give you all those accolades you feel you deserve. Until they call you chairman. Until they call you a genius. Until they call you the those accolades you feel you deserve. Until they call you chairman.

Until they call you a genius. Until they call you the greatest of all time. You feel me? Yeah. Thank you. That's crazy. All right. all right jumped out like yeah who the fuck you with from the guy who said that dude from the guy who said it's like get your good dishes out like it's thanksgiving or something whatever the fuck that

one was. Amazing. And then fucking Killer Mike got arrested. Now, he didn't get arrested, but he got a little bit arrested. Right? He went and won eight Grammys, and they put handcuffs on him for a little bit. It's like, ah, just play him in. They were just trying to remind, they were just trying to remind him who's boss, you know? Okay, no, no, I know, but we're just playing.

But we are the cops, though, you know? And there is still racism. So, I'm not saying they're racist, but I'm just saying, like, that's a, you know? Okay. No, no, I know, but we're just saying, but we are the cops though, you know, and there is still racism. So I'm not saying they're racist, but I'm just saying like that, that's a, you know, a joke I could make right now if I wanted to, that I did. Check out creamy e-girl on YouTube and Tik TOK. Uh, go to my page. If you want to purchase a 10 word ad or shout out holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia. Took a little bit of a break. I needed to get some air in here. But, oh, man.

I saw, you know what I did last night? I can't not. I can't not. So I did. But I watched Beekeeper with, first of all, Beekeeper is a movie with Jason Statham. It sounds like it's an indie film with Francis McDormand. You say, oh yeah, we're going to watch Beekeeper. The last thing it sounds is like an action-packed, which it is, an action-packed which it is um movie where there's martial arts in it dude i love jason statham and i guess i'm out of touch because i just seem to me it seemed like it was gonna be

i watched this movie i turned it on last night david was over this was when he was over and it it was going to be... I watched this movie. I turned it on last night. David was over. This was when he was over and it was raining. He was like, let's watch Beekeeper, man. And I was like,

all right. I wasn't really in the mood for it, but let's do it. I expect it to be... I know a lot of these guys are making... Look, this is a regular Jason Statham movie.

I understand. I know a lot of these guys are going to be doing the John Wick thing. Now, you know, you got Bricklayer. You got Relentless. You got the other one with the other guy. Just a lot of these guys who are getting older are doing their thing.

Jason Statham is still kind of at the top of his game. And he's, what, 50? I don't know. But this is just like a John Wick movie where he plays a beekeeper. This is so – the way they tried to shoehorn beekeeper into this regular action movie that didn't need to have anything to do with beekeeping was unreal, dude. It was unreal. So first of all, the movie opens up, he's a beekeeper, all right? Doing his beekeeping and shit, just keeping bees all around.

beekeeping and shit just keeping bees all around and then the woman that he rents the shed from that lives down the way uh gets a link to a thing that says oh your your computer's compromised so she calls and basically gets swindled out of two million dollars and then she kills herself okay then she uh you know shoots herself in the head and dies all right and then uh jason statham is like i'm a beast fuck it yeah i gotta go inside and thank her for something or whatever give her some honey goes over to give her some honey or whatever i don't even remember what it is finds her dead body and he's like oh no and then the fbi is already there and says freeze what are you doing here you find out it's one person that's there, the woman, the FBI, who is the woman, who is the daughter of the lady

that just killed herself, okay? So already, already, oh, and she doesn't live there, by the way. They live like somewhere, you know, I don't know where, but like, it looks like upstate New York, wherever they live. They, they, they find find she finds him there and so

already she doesn't live there the daughter so already first seen i'm like why is she there it's never explained she's just showing up and said, oh, my mom's dead? She goes, and he's like, I'm here for you. I'm not, you know, I'm a good guy. I rented the shed from her. I'm a beekeeper. I keep keeping bees everywhere. And I don't know if I need to go check out my bees, right?

So then they're like, this guy, this beekeeper, Jason Statham, he's like, he finds out that she got swindled out of money and then committed, you know, pow, in her head. And so he goes and burns the call center down. Dude, he goes there in this, he looks dope, okay? He's got a regular jacket and cool pants, but he has a baseball hat on and it looks, it's so weird when he wears his baseball hat that it's like so out of place. Like it's just regular Navy baseball hat. There's nothing on it.

It looks like NPC shit and it's on a little bit wrong. And I can't explain why it's on a little bit wrong, but it just is not sitting right on his head. And the fact that nobody was like, let's just take the hat off. And wore it well over halfway through the movie. And Jason Statham is Jason Statham because you want to see his shiny bald head kick an ass.

He had his hat on. It looked like he had a cake under his hat the whole time. And he walks up to this call center and these two henchmen come out and they're like, you're not getting in there no matter what. And he's like, yes, I am. And he was like, well, what are you here for? He's like, he had two gasoline canisters.

And he says, I'm going to burn the fucking place down. And you're not going to stop me. And then proceeds to go do that. Of course, this is a beekeeper right so we find out that he is a beekeeper but the real beekeeping is there is an underground faction that protects the world when laws aren't good enough. And they call themselves the hive, and they're all beekeepers from around the world.

It gets thrust into situations to save people, okay? So we find out that he's a defective beekeeper in the hive, and the beekeeper society I mean dude Finds out that he's still Doing stuff in their name And now they go to try and kill him So now

The evil entity that is The Because there are all these henchmen in the What do you call it in the call center Like they're swindling people from all over the world Now they're because there are all these henchmen in the, what do you call it, in the call center. Like they're swindling people from all over the world. Now they're going after Jason Statham to try and kill him. And then the beekeepers are going after Jason Statham and trying to kill him.

So everyone's trying to kill Jason Statham. And Jason Statham doesn't get hit once until the end of the movie, which is fine. I don't care. Action movies are action movies. But the way they they kept on like they had jeremy irons in this fucking thing for some reason and he was just like he was the guy that came in the movie that would be like where the movie would happen and then somebody would need to explain something and then jeremy irons would have a scene with josh hushardson and be like well the thing about the beekeepers is that that's the

thing about beekeepers is that they don't stop they don't stop until the job is done and he won't stop until the job is done and say you he goes up against the delta force member that delta force member dies because the beekeeper is the most lethal and we just like all right so he doesn't kick anyone's ass he's fucking awesome and he does what he needs to do what he's trying to do is take out a take out the queen just like a real b a real b it's like and dude the way they're short hey guys leave the bees out dude just make an action movie just make a movie where the guys kick an ass and it's just like and it's called Beekeeper, dude. And so, so I'm watching this movie and I'm like, oh, this is, I guess this is going to be the thing that doesn't work for Jason Statham.

I'm like, this is just gonna be the movie where it's like, not over. It'll always have a fucking great career, but like, this is going to be the thing. I get the next day I wake up dude beekeeper continues to break jason statham's box office record and i'm like oh i don't i don't know anymore who's you know what always the answer is when you when you think who's watching that shit asians that's always the answer it's always the answer and that's fine it's not a racist thing asians kind of just like action they don't give a fuck. The Asians will just watch like a, a, a, a movie where a guy there, you know, a supernatural ability isn't a thing in the world, but some guy,

regular guy will run, uh, and catch up with a plane and then jump onto the wing as the planes above in the air, you know, and, and Asians will just watch it like, Oh shit. And Americans will be like, they can't fucking, why did, why didn't they set up that the world is supernaturally? They have superpowers. Asians don't give a fuck about that setting up world. Right. But anyway, dude, it's a huge hit. Congrats to Jason Statham. I love that motherfucker. I thought it was going to tank, but I guess it's not, I don't know anything anymore. I thought Barbie was going to fucking bomb. I guess it's not. I don't know anything anymore. I thought Barbie was going to fucking bomb. I know nothing about this shit anymore.

My favorite thing was they were like talking about Jason Statham in a movie and they were describing him. It's so weird. First of all, there's so many parts in Beekeeper. They kept introducing new people and they're like, hey, it's my jurisdiction. You're out of your jurisdiction.

It's my jurisdiction now. Fuck face for no reason, you know? And then they described him as like, yeah, he's this big white guy. And Jason Statham was like 5'9", I think, you know? Eh, sir, wrote it in himself. But also wanted to wear the hat himself, you know? But so, I mean, he kicked ass in a movie i guess it's cool the action scenes were

cool i want i gotta get ripped bro just for fucking me i zoned out at the gym i was at the gym you know what i'm working on fucking pull-ups i put the 45 pound weight plate on my thing i did the thing i got five six of them and i know people are hating like i plate on my thing. I did the thing. I got five, six of them. And I know people are hating. Like, I put it on my story, and people are like, dude, you're not all the way up. It's the angle. I did get all the way up. My chin's over the bar.

Obviously, it's the fucking angle. But anyway, I'm so sore now, dude. My biceps. You know how hard it is to hang on one with one arm? Have you tried to do that? Have you ever tried to do that? Guess what? You can't. You can't. You can't hard it is to hang on one with one arm? Have you tried to do that? Have you ever tried to do that? Guess what? You can't.

You can't. You can't do it. If you can hang from two, you can do that for like a minute if you're in real tip-top shape. Dude, dude, hey, let go with one. If all, you break your tailbone, dude. I've been practicing holding them, the shit like this, and just lightly letting one go. Like, I'll just let one go a little bit, little bit, little bit. And I was doing that at the gym the other day.

Some dude came up to me. He goes, hey, because I had a towel hanging over the thing. So I was holding the towel a little bit and then part of the bar. And some guy comes over and he goes, hey, what are you doing? And I'm like, here we go. And I say, oh, yeah, it's because i've never been able to hang from one arm and then i'm saying it out loud like what am i this asshole at the gym that's just doing dumb as fuck exercises you know you see these dudes at the gym where they're like they got

like a bosu ball and a and a fucking 25 pound weight on their head trying to balance and you're like this guy's a fucking asshole but he's probably gonna live to be 150 for some reason you know and so i'm doing that and some guy says hey what are you doing and i'm like oh i can't i can't i'm this guy's a fucking asshole. But he's probably going to live to be 150 for some reason, you know? And so I'm doing that. And some guy says, hey, what are you doing? And I'm like, oh, I can't. I can't. I'm just trying to hang from one arm. I can't hang from one arm.

You know, it's really hard. And he's like, oh, really? Probably helps your grip, huh? I'm like, yeah. He's like, oh. And I'm like, now I feel like a fucking fool, dude. Just a 43-year-old comedian trying to hang from one arm. Like, that's my monkey.

Like, that's my goal for the what next few months i tried to get 20 pull-ups and i got 19 and then i stopped working out for like eight months i'm a self-sabotager dude i really am i aim for potholes i really am a self-sabotager man but I was trying to get up dude I'm trying to fucking get my my my biceps were so fucking sore that I had to

carry my kids later on and I almost dropped them dude they were cramping so hard and I was I had little Billy like this I was like baby you gotta take them baby you gotta take them dude I work out hard man I gotta come home and I come home and I'm fucking now Kristen heard about this jackbox tv thing on the fucking apple tv so I gotta play jackbox tv and shit let's invite you know David over and and and play jackbox and then I go that's a fucking get

I don't like games you know i'm interesting enough in my own head i don't need to be like spin i'll just think about the things i want to think about i don't need to be like okay oh what did you get i don't need to be like that you know it's boring to me so she wants to play this one game that's like by the by the way like it's about ghosts and then you die if you get the wrong answer and then you have to cut your finger off and shit and calvin's there and i'm like we shouldn't be watching this shit with calvin here and she's like he doesn't know and he doesn't know but also the thing's like well

now you have to cut off one of your fingers. And it's saying that. And I'm like, oh. You know? While Calvin's trying to, just play with your transformer. And then Calvin's like, oh, is that you, da, da? And I was like, some purple monster or some shit. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, this is not good. We got to play a different one.

And she's like, no, Calvin likes it. And then later on, he's like, this is kind of scary, right? And I was like, this is not good. We've got to play a different one, and she's like, no, Calvin likes it, and then later on he's like, later on he's kind of like, this is kind of scary, right? And I was like, told you. We fucked him. We fucked him up. Too late. And so anyway, we played this other game, which is like a more fun game to me,

where you've got to come up with a Jackbox TV. You got to come up with quips and shit. And I didn't really know what the game was and I didn't really want to play the game, but you're basically a t-shirt making company and they ask you slogans. So you just write in slogans on your phone, send it to the Jackbox TV, and then they mix them all up. And then they have now do a drawing of that you'd like. And they, they mix the drawing with, they match the drawings with the,

with the sayings and you vote on them. And whoever, whatever shirt gets the most votes is the shirt that wins the competition. Okay? Now, let me tell you something right now, dude. I don't like Jackbox, but this is my fucking wheelhouse. Hey, you're just going to play this make a shirt business thing with me? My wife and her friends?

You're just going to play make a shirt with me, dude? I don't want to, but I got this, all right? And dude, he fucking won. Now, I didn't know this, but he did win. He won. Because they all voted for his shirt. And they knew it was his shirt. How'd they know?

Well, I bought the shirt. You can buy it afterwards. And I'm a sucker, dude. After Jackbox, they sent a link to the phone and they say you can now purchase the winning shirt and i did you know why because i created it i made it and it's a great shirt i had the saying and i matched it up with the right drawings here it is Here it is For those of you listening It's a red shirt with four stick figures on it

And it says stop jizzing Dude This is so ill And maybe I could add it to merch Honestly, I wonder I don't know if JackpawxTV made this shirt, but this is a killer shirt, dude. Stop.

It matches up, you know, because there's too many people in that family. Not really. There's four, but man, that's a cool shirt. I'm going to wear it. I'm going to wear it on stage. On my show in fucking Vancouver, you know? Wow.

I have two kids. Man, I was on the phone with fucking Vancouver, you know? Wow. I have two kids. Man, I was on the phone with Brian Cowan the other day, and he's 57, you know, and I'm 43, and he was just like, he was just like, we were talking about the rain. This was yesterday? We were talking about the rain, and I yesterday. We were talking about the rain.

And I was, I was, I was like, dude, I just ride in the rain. Like, I don't give a fuck. It's all good.

Like I, you know, I really navigate through it really well. You know, like I was just telling him we were doing our thing, you know? And he was like, you know what I was thinking of?

Rain is like when God cries. It's just something I kind of thought of, you know? And I just think it's, I think it's sad, you know, but it's kind of like of, you know, and I just think it's, I think it's sad, you know, but it's kind of like life, you know? And that's why he said, I look up into the air sometimes when it's raining

and I just say, I just look up because I know God's crying and I just say, I look up to the clouds and I just say, there, there. And he started laughing so hard because of how ridiculous he is and then the next thing he said through his laughter was i'm 57 dude and i i laughed i laughed so hard because dude the motherfucker just doesn't stop dude life keeps. That's why we say life rips. Dude, and the humor will take us to a

place! And that's beautiful, man. Goddamn, dude. There, there. There, there, God. Um, yeah. Stop jizzing. I wish that's what we could call the the the

um what do you call it the episode but we can't i should start wearing this shirt i'm gonna put it on now no i'll put on now let's see if it fits actually it just came in the mail that's what kristen gave it to me I want to see if it fits actually It just came in the mail That's what Kristen gave it to me I got a lot of tattoos I'm getting more You think that's it?

That's not it Oh man this shirt What is it made of burlap? Here we go I got to wear it Does it fit? They only had large it fits all right cool i don't look good in red my mommy said i look good in red once though dude

my mom says i look good in red and olive she's like you know not many people can wear that man the stuff that fucking moms make you feel good about sometimes is just fantastic you know and then and then they can just make you feel like about sometimes. It's just fantastic, you know? And then they can just make you feel like shit too, can't they hear it? Isn't it crazy? Mixed signal city, dude, when you're a kid. Hey, when you're a kid, you get so many mixed signals and you don't even know how to deal with a non-mixed signal. Hey God, that's not fair. Hey, what the heck, dude? How am I supposed to deal with a mixed signal when i can't even deal with a signal hey god i'm six hey god what the heck

this mixed signal happened when i was seven and i'm gonna be be 50 someday. And it's going to be a tape that plays in my head subconsciously every single day. And it's going to uproot my life from the belly up. Oh, come on, God, make my brain completely functional before I'm born. Right. born. Right. Cause it's unfair, dude. And then you have kids and you see your kids and you're like, I can't give him mixed signals, but then he's like, Oh, can I, you know, can I poop on the floor? And you're like, well, no, you want a knee jerk reaction, but you go, well, you know, you don't want to fucking shame them. You know, you maybe i don't know but you do know so you're lying i don't know let's look for a better place you're lying our parents all fucked us up and guess what it's not their fault wow dude he's so deep and he

didn't mean to be but it's not their fault. Wow, dude. He's so deep and he didn't mean to be. But it's not their fault. It's nobody's fault, right? Something needs to be people's fault. That's why people get so fucking angry, dude. You know. I don't know. But I guess that could be it.

You know. Sign up for the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. We love it. If you do, you help the podcast stay afloat without the patron. This podcast wouldn't exist. So I appreciate you and go get that extra episode for this month. How many months have we done this so far?

It's been three years, three years, almost three years. So there's 36 episodes that you can go unlock if you go to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chris Lea. And go see me on the road. I'll be wearing this Stop Jizzin' shirt in Vancouver. Probably won't be.

But go check ChrisLea.com for tickets. Thanks. I'm the latest motherfucking pop, you scared motherfuckers. I'm the latest motherfucking rap, I'm the motherfucking clown, the motherfucking...