Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 37. Steve Q. Jobs

Episode Date: October 9, 2017

It's the 37th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about when Michael Jordan had that Hitler mustache in the Hayne's commercial. Also discussed: Firehouse Subs, Mike Pence, Harvey Weinstein, Meryl Streep, Leonard Maltin eating the last piece of cheesecake, we name a new elder, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply today's episode of congratulations is brought to you by Blue Apron. This October, Blue Apron is celebrating its fifth anniversary by bringing back its top 20 recipes from throughout the past five years as picked by you, the Blue Apron community. Your favorite Blue Apron recipes are back on the menu for a limited time only. Blue Apron is all about giving people fresh recipes to explore as they learn to cook a new dish after new dish, which is why, and many people don't realize this, they don't repeat recipes within one calendar year. This is what makes this limited time only offer so exciting. We'll talk about this more later on in

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I'll talk about this more later on in the show. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. It drives me crazy. 37 and um i know a lot of you guys have listened to every episode some of you guys are starting now and we just want to let you know if you're a new baby hello hello and welcome welcome to the cult because that's what this is uh and you are you are welcome as long as you want to be unless you fuck up you fuck up y'all you know Everybody's a cuda a little bit, but if, you know, if you're too much of a cuda, you gotta go. And by the way, people are like, I'm a baby, but what's a cuda? You don't know what a cuda is. You're not a baby, all right?

And by the way, I don't like describing what the fuck everything is, but people have been hitting me up. Hey, isn't it cuda if this happens or if that happens? No. A lot of the times it's no. Like somebody was like, isn't it CUDA that you take, uh, that you do shirtless videos, uh, for Instagram. First of all, we're talking about my bust, but, uh, no, it's not. That's absolutely not CUDA. This is CUDA. Okay. What does a barracuda do if it sees a shiny piece of jewelry it goes to it because it's a fucking idiot it's fish okay now if you are a fucking uh person now now taking a shirtless fucking selfie is not cuda because first of all you're not doing anything to out of of the, if your shirt's off, and I'm

going to do a video, and it's from the bust up, I didn't do anything to make anything else happen, that's just how I'm living, bam, that's how I'm doing, that's not CUDA, uh, a CUDA is like, if you fucking go to some, this is the ultimate example. You go to some festival because you heard it was a good thing and you're just like, oh, cool festival.

Let's go. I was watching this thing on Facebook the other day about this guy who started this unicorn, uh, fucking, it was called the, what's it called? It was on vice.

It was like a 14, a four minute video on vice. Um was like a 14... A four-minute video on Vice. And it started with the guy. I'm not happy with reality at all. Burning Mad... Oh, wait. Hold on. Sorry.

I'm allergic to Facebook videos. Burning Man made me identify as a unicorn. Now, there you go. It's full-blown cuda. You know why? Because you don't identify as a unicorn, he craves. It's a freak hunch, but no matter what, you're not a unicorn, okay? So this guy's like, yeah, it's a polyamorous thing where we go,

and it's so funny because they made this video and vice made this video and uh and they're like and and this guy's like my name is whatever it is and i identify as a unicorn now a few few years ago i went to burning man i wasn't happy with reality and now i'm in burning man and i'm a unicorn uh really or you just had a bad childhood, probably. It's probably what happened, huh? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You unicorn or you probably had bad parents. And then he's fucking got all these people and they're like, he's this one girl's like, I've been a unicorn for like, stop right there. Stop right there. the sentence is already eroding i've been a unicorn for no no no let's stop it right there what about hey

these people are dressed up with fucking unicorn fucking whatever the how about this unicorns don't exist you're not even identifying with something that you can identify with because doesn't exist oh i'm a cloud i'm a cloud how about that i am a cloud oh no no wait hold on clouds exist i'm a fucking uh dragon i'm a dragon i'm a fucking dragon. I'm a dragon. I'm a fucking tea kettle that talks. That's what I am. I'm that fucking thing from Be Our Guest. Be Our Guest. What's the fucking Beauty and the Beast?

That's what I am. I'm that key. I'm the tea kettle. Careful you don't tip me out. You'll get fucking hot tea all over your fucking cock and feet. Dude. So, and they dress up like fucking pink and neon unicorns and they have hooves and shit. Hey, dude, get a job.

Sit down somewhere, type stuff out, get paid. You got a community. Oh, and he's like, and now it's turned into some sort of a business. Oh, really, dude? Really? So maybe you don't identify as a unicorn, and maybe you're just trying to fucking get money from people, hook, line, and sinker?

You sure you're not a unicorn, and you're just fishing for cash? Hey, I'm a unicorn give me 12 bucks hey Sam shut the fuck up see even he knows hey I'm a unicorn give me some cash come on dude this is why you can't trust these motherfuckers that go to Burning Man people that love Burning Man and shit

people that love Burning Man you lost and you going out in the desert you're getting more lost um no but uh so yeah so i was i don't know why oh that's cool yeah that's a full-blown cuda right there and we're at war with these people we're at silent war with these people silent war we sit there in those fucking in those fucking, in the same rooms as these people. You know, maybe we'll give them a little bit of a verbal shots or some shit, but we are at silent war with these people. It's us versus them. And if you want to be part of the congratulations cult, fine, but we are not unicorns. Okay? We are people.

We are anti-CUDA. And we are 100%... For a conch, we realize you can do what you want. We're not having that, though. We're not having it. Okay? In the laziest way possible, we're not having it. Sam, stop being a fucking asshole.

Come here. Come here. Stop being an asshole. Let's take your fucking... Shark collar off and get you up here. Come here. Because it doesn't even have batteries in it. Come here, Bubba.

There you go. Now you got to see the video podcast to see this fucking dog acting up but uh yeah uh so anyway i'm not explaining what that fucking is anymore but uh everybody i got about nine thousand dollars worth of fucking advertisement for my pillow at last last time and i found out that maybe the guy has a checkered past so very cool by the way nothing cooler than have having a checkered past and then inventing a fucking the most comfortable pillow of all time. I'm sorry I killed 19 people. Rest easy. I saw some mug shots.

Whatever, though. So I was in North Carolina, Charlotte, North Carolina, and I was also in Boone, North Carolina, and I did a college show at Appalachian state. It's in the middle of nowhere. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful fucking place. And it's so, it's so like college townie and shit. And I love, um, I love, uh, I liked being there for eight hours.

I was there for eight hours I was there for eight hours I can't imagine going to college in a place that is literally Just designed for like a college Even though as beautiful as it is Like I went to NYU for one year then dropped out Because school fucking sucks balls But no it's all good I was in school though for a little bit Until I realized it sucks donkey balls

And school system sucks Especially high school because all they do is teach you generic shit and then you never know what the fuck you want to be and all and basically it's dummy done so it's all good but um so if you're listening to it man and you're fucking 12 i'm sorry but also i'm not really that sorry because because high school sucks donkey balls so but you can go to um college and kind of fucking single out what you want to do which is good but still kind of still generic and suck donkey balls and don't go to college and kind of fucking single out what you want to do, which is good, but still kind of still generic and suck his donkey balls and don't go to college. But anyway, I went to Boone, North Carolina to do Appalachian State. And it was really cool, man.

Sometimes you go to these places and they're like very – it's not remote. I mean it's still a town and shit. And they're like very, uh, not remote. It's not remote. I mean, it's still a town and shit, but, um, I went to, uh, um, I went to that area and then it was very good. Like, it looked like it was beautiful. Like in the winter, I wasn't there in the winter. It was the winter.

Remember that shit? When fucking Jay-Z did the, the unplugged album for MTV and he was like pretending like it was a spoken word because he was like what was he why did what did it make why did he say that he was just like pretending like he was like a spoken word guy instead of a rapper and he just says it was to winter like and me and my friends talk about that all the time who was to winter um and he was like anyway hoes bitches money uh this is not poetic so um anyway um it was awesome uh because it was a beautiful area to go to college but i feel like if i was how to be there for four years no you know and all these things spring up and shit i went to the Firehouse Subs to get a sub sandwich.

Dude, by the way, Firehouse Subs, clean it up. Clean it up. I put it on my Instagram. Dude, we get it. You were made by firemen, but you know, you walk in there, it's like Disneyland for firemen. Hey, just give me a sandwich. You walk in and it's like, this place was founded by firemen made by firemen firemen firemen firemen we have firemen hats and firemen hey we get it it's all good and you get there and they

literally have pictures of burning buildings hey are you trying to fucking creep me out dude what is this a horror movie i put it on my instagram and it's like they have chips and shit and like next to the drink machine and then there's a fucking picture of a black and white burning fucking house that probably killed some family members hey give me a sandwich don't make me think I'm in a horror movie I mean firehouse subs literally they, they have pictures of burning property. Huh? Give me ham. Oh, you have pictures?

First of all, they're black and white, so it's like creepy. Hey, give me tuna salad. Hey, I don't need to be reminded of death. Hey, hey, let's go. Hey, dude, pick up a couple of sandwiches and get reminded of death. We're having a party. Oh, cool, know right where to go.

I'll go to Firehouse. So weird. We get it. You have a theme. Chill out on it a little bit because the theme reminds us of death. Or just show Fireman, you you know it was the winter um so yeah so i went to firehouse subs and ate a sub um and uh then went there and then i posted it online and then everybody was like at appalachian

state was like can't believe you went to firehouse sub when you could have went to fucking Steve's or some shit. Like I'm supposed to know where the fuck the good sandwich places are in Boone, North Carolina. The fuck I'm supposed to show up at some place that I would never be and know where the goddamn good sandwich meat is um so anyway um i was there and and they have oh so you go to these remote college places or whatever and they sometimes they have like great fucking theaters because it's like, it's not like some bullshit cafeteria or cafetorium. How about when they call it a

cafetorium? Hey dude, when I, when someplace calls something a cafetorium, I want to piss all over the fucking cups in there. Is it a cafeteria or an auditorium? Worst transformer ever. Um, so I showed up and there was a theater and it was awesome dude it was like 1400 students they were loving it there was a guy in the front row and his laugh was literally like this and it was so weird dude how about a cafetorium what does it say a say? A large room as in a school building designed for use both as a cafeteria and an auditorium. Hey, man, split up the money. Make two smaller ones.

That's fucking bullshit. Dude, if you're a college, you have so much money, period. People are paying way too much to go to your school, and you have the nerve to fucking make a cafetorium and then call it that it's a cafeteria or an auditorium i'm not fucking sitting eating some mystery meat while somebody's doing a play a hamlet bye how come every time you google something like a cafetorium the google image the first google images of some guy in black and white it's never a corp dude if you google anything it'll be like it'll show you the first picture of it ever in 1910 some guy in a double-breasted tan suit and even though it's black and white picture you know that that you know damn well that suit is tan um cafetorium look look cafetorium definition one of the first fucking google images words of

the year 10 066 so far ago away ago 10 066 what the fuck does that even mean, were people even documenting shit back then, or just saying shit and fucking, dude were people documenting stuff at the year 10,066, or were people just saying shit and then fucking, dude they were definitely just saying shit and then fucking, nobody had pens and shit, they don't give a fuck, I mean they did but still dude,

but anyway I was on the flight back from Charlotte. Dude, this shit killed me. I tweeted about it a little bit. But I was next to this guy. He smelled bad. And whatever, it's cool. But hey, man, shower up. And he was like, I don't know asian or something but like

not america not like didn't speak didn't like had an accent i don't know what accent it was because i'm racist but um he uh hey guy's joking but he the the guy came by and it was like what will you have to eat would you like to eat or what would you have to eat? Would you like to eat? Or what would you have to drink? And the fucking guy next to me looks up to the steward and says, do you guys have, I'll have a smoothie? Dude, the only thing I could do is this. A smoothie, dude? You're on a goddamn airplane. You're 30,000 feet in the air

and you want someone to use a blender. Dude. What the fuck is... Hey. Hey, bro. Smoothies are for the ground.

This guy, dude, the fucking flight attendant goes like this, a smoothie. He says, I'll have a smoothie. He didn't even say, do you guys have smoothie? He says, I'll have a smoothie. I wish the pilot, or pilot, I wish the steward went like this. Okay, sure. All right. All right.

Well, we're going to have to land. So hold on one second and then go over there. Hey, guys, we're sorry, but we were up and on our way to LAX. But unfortunately, one of the assholes in the cabin needs to. He asked for a smoothie. So what we're going to do is we're going to land, obviously, because there's no goddamn smoothies at 30,000 feet in the air. So we're going to have to go pick up a blender because this fucking moron asked for a smoothie. And we're going to go pick up a blender.

And then we're going to go pick up a whole bunch of fruit. We're going to get mangoes and we're going to get bananas and apples and pears and all that shit. We're going to get protein powder and a bunch of ice, and then we're going to fly back up here and make that fucking idiot moron a goddamn smoothie. So buckle up and make your chairs go back four inches for no reason at all, even though we tell you to do that when you're landing, because, God forbid, your chairs are four inches a little bit further than they normally might be for relaxation.

We don't want you to relax. And just in case we get into an accident or we swerve a little bit on the runway, you'll definitely get way more hurt because that four inches, even though we just made it up and then turn off your iPads for no reason at all. All right, cool. We're going to get this guy a goddamn smoothie. I mean, dude, a smoothie. Hey, I was going to, I mean, I looked at him.

And then the fucking guy, the guy, the airplane guy goes like this, a smoothie? And he says, yeah. And then the guy says, the airplane guy says, yeah, we don't have smoothies. And I wanted to fucking just say, yeah, yeah, they don't have smoothies. And I wanted to fucking just say, yeah, yeah, they don't have smoothies because we're 30,000 feet in the air. And the guy says, oh, okay, I'll just have sparkling water.

And when he said sparkling water, dude, it made it, it like twisted the knife. Just say club soda or say fucking Perrier. But when this motherfucker said sparkling water hey dude you're 30 000 feet in the air don't get fancy with it when you're 30 000 feet in the air be less fancy you're not going to get the amenities sam shut the fuck up but But he gets crazy too. Sam gets it. When you get fancy with it 30,000 feet in the air. My dog gets pissed.

So I did that. And that was how it went. For a little bit. For a little bit. That guy with the fucking unicorn though, man. He was like driving me up. Wow. Like, he was like, I just feel like we need to.

Oh, one of the rules was for the unicorns was a unicorn is never late nor on time. Oh, come on, dude. What if, hey, dude, what if i'm waiting for you i'll tell you what dude you show up fucking you you're never later on time for a congratulations cult member and you're not a fucking baby anymore bro um um uh what was to fucking say? I don't remember. Dude, by the way. Oh, I got fucking nine plus hours of sleep last night. And you know what the fuck, what the fuck is the deal with that shit? I got, I got two hours. I got three hours before that the night before.

Then I got nine hours and fucking 30 minutes. Dude, you know what? That's fucking awesome. How about when people are like, dude, I used to have a friend or I do have a friend and he was like, I'd rather get four hours of sleep than six. Dude almost rocketed him to the moon. He's like, because of the sleep cycles and then you're supposed to wake up when you're, oh yeah, oh yeah, I'll get six, dude. Oh, yeah? I'll get six. Know why? More's better. I'd rather get four hours of sleep and here come the tweets.

Well, it actually is better because the REM cycle... Hey, you know what? Lick my whole asshole. Bury yourself. Okay? You say fucking four... You say fucking four hours of sleep is better than six hours of sleep get captured okay no there's rules baby there's rules we have to make these fucking rules okay because people are out there

sleeping four hours instead of six. They think it's better. We're getting cut. We're getting a brand new one. Can't do it. I try not to be political in this fucking podcast, but so much political shit is happening. I don't know what the fuck else to talk about, dude. I love how Trump was like, yeah, go to the game and we know they're going to kneel.

And then when they kneel, fucking leave. And Trump was like, OK. Trump Pence. Pence was like, OK. Like Republican or Democrat, whatever the fuck, fuck dude that's it is a bitch like i don't give a fuck what you are what char's what char's free conch be republican but if you fly to a colts game nonetheless and know they're gonna fucking kneel because some other guy was like hey man go to a cults game and when they kneel leave hey it's a bitch that's our vp hey bitch let me do a drive-by bitch hey bitch

you're in a car hey you got surround sound because ass bitch come on dude you know those friend dude how for you know what the most fucking european thing is in the world is to get stabbed in europe and then fucking hear a fucking european how come in america we have the fucking but in europe the shit is hey what happens to the fucking what happens to that fucking siren on the way down i understand the fucking logistics of sound and how it works but bro what's going on that's why we know that there's some extra shit going on in the world there is no reason why the sound should be that fucked up when somebody gets stabbed in france and dude just youtube fucking french uh hospital van what the fuck's it called ambulance or if you're fucking or if

you're or if you're one of the kids that i went to high school with ambulamps not am nook high school middle school i went to middle school in new jersey everybody called an ambulance ambulamps hey what why are you putting a p in it ambulamps what if you got in there and there were just a bunch of fucking lampshades and shit and they were like hey man we're gonna have to move these out you're stabbed dude google a fucking french hospital van and just listen to it going it's like it's turning into a fucking trance song. Remember that song? Dude, I have a, I definitely, there's no way in hell that that song is not the number one song that people got raped to. I don't give a shit. I know it's fucking hardcore, but but you know that once that fucking or you know what even tops it uh this is the song that number one fucking what was that one uh fucking what was that one wait that was the same one

i don't know whatever it was you know what song i'm trying to do somebody out there knows i'm trying to get you fucking rape somebody during that song that's why uh maybe i'm doing it and it's fucking sandstorm and it's making people uh bring back horrible memories and i'm sorry but anyway skip back to the fucking when i got uh sidetracked by the ambulance and then skip track when I got sidetracked by fucking yeah it's a bitch dude when I mean imagine being like hey man go to a Colts game and when they fucking kneel leave and then the guy going okay it's a bitch it's a bitch and I'm not trying to be political and by the way whatever party you're part of I don't give a part of, I don't give a fuck.

I straight up don't give a fuck. Okay? Don't care. Don't care. But dude, how much... Pence has that face that he looks like he knows what he's doing is wrong. And I'm not saying what he's doing is wrong or what it is. I try to keep politics out of this fucking podcast.

he's doing is wrong or what it is like whatever i try to keep politics out of this fucking podcast but he's got a face that looks like he knows what he's doing is wrong dude and trump and he's just like okay oh well okay and when people ask him about trump he's like okay well okay okay like he starts like that and he's got his lego hair so funny dude Lego hair. So funny, dude. Sorry for getting a little bit political. I don't think I really did. I was just kind of fucking around. But, yeah. Anyway.

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Now, I'm sweaty. Now, if I said I wasn't sweaty, I was lying. Okay? Very sweaty in my congratulations shirt. Nice, nice blue. You know, shaking it up with the blue. You want to add a little color to your life, especially because it's getting cold out. People will recognize you're a cult member if you got the fucking shirt on.

That's why I'm wearing it. cult member if you got the fucking shirt on so i'm wearing it um in north carolina when i was there people were making me shirts uh one person made me sure it was an elder shirt it has elder on it uh people screaming out their babies very weird for people who don't know what a fucking baby is but um i gotta go to france by the way because i gotta see how french it actually is i always talk about how french i am you know with my hairy chest and uh i gotta go see how it is i gotta go i had to go and eat a eat a pastry remember when i said i ate those, uh, I said in a few episodes ago, maybe last episode, I ate fucking so many ice cream sandwiches.

I haven't had one since bro. That shit fucked me up. Uh, I haven't eaten sweets really. I got my body fat or my body fat down. I got this scale. I got my body fat down. It's at like 18%. I feel like it's probably less than that, even though it's saying it's at 18%. That's pretty good, huh? I don't know. I guess we don't know. Look at us.

We're just fucking idiots. We don't know. I feel like that's good. I Googled what a guy with 18% body fat looks like. Pretty good, I guess. That's kind of what I feel like I look like. I don't know. Look at Google it. body fat uh 18 what it looks like google image it my producer's googling body fat percentage and not putting 18 in there so one fire but

one firearm but it's all good yeah i look like those guys kind of uh okay i don't look like that guy that guy's kind of fat um okay i don't look like those guys anyway um what yeah i got less fuck this scale it doesn't work i mean ruining it yeah all right so anyway it's like 10 maybe and i'm trying to get fucking ripped dude i'm trying to do these action movies bro that's what i want to do these movies are so corny out there man they're making comedies and fucking how about these dramas that make it feel something because the music is in it you know i'm just trying to do some fucking straight up action movie where i get tied up and a villain is telling me some bullshit monologue before he tries to kill me,

that's what I want to do, dude, I'll shave my fucking head and jump out a goddamn window, bro, you understand me, and that's a fucking direct threat to Hollywood, I'll shave my head and jump out a goddamn window. And I'm not talking, I mean, film it. Put it in the movie. I'm not talking about just regular shit.

Bro, how about Harvey Weinstein, dude? That's like, hey, sorry I jerked off in a plant and wouldn't let a girl leave the room even though she had a boyfriend. Here's a letter.

I mean, how did we not, we knew that was happening. Hey, everybody knew it was happening. And now we fire him. Oh dude, that's the ultimate one fire. As a matter of fact harvey weinstein i'm changing her name to one fire him that guy just i don't understand i don't understand wanting to like like, like if I want to go get a sub sandwich and I'm with somebody and they're like, I don't want a sub sandwich. And I'm like, all right,

fucking fine. What do you, what do you want? We'll go there. So how the fuck are you like, I want to fuck. And then the person's like, I don't want to.

And you're like, eh, I feel like in his mind that was his compromise. Let's fuck. No, I have a boyfriend. Cool, let me stand in front of you and jerk off into a plant.

Compromise? And then in his head they were like, he was like, whoa, I was trying to compromise with her. It's not like I came on her. I came in a plant. It was nice of him to fucking

like be tidy though and just come in some soil. Like what, what the fuck, man? So weird. So weird. I don't know. I knew a girl that fucking had a meeting with him or whatever. I was fucking dating her and she was girl that fucking had a meeting with him or whatever. I was fucking dating her and she was like, she had a meeting with him.

And then he, for no reason. And I was like, he just wants to meet you because he wants to fuck you. You know? And she was like, yeah, but she,

yeah, I think she's like, I know that, but like he wanted to sit down and talk about my career. And she was like 22 and beautiful. And she was like 22. And beautiful. And I was like, oh, cool. All right.

And then he did. And she was like, yo, just so you know, I'm not going to fuck you. And he was like, okay, cool, you know. Hey, guess if that went anywhere with her career. Eh, no. It was a drive-by no mobile um I don't know it's fucking

it's it's wrong you know but just fucking know what's up hey if you're having a meeting with a fucking 60 year old man and you're 22 and a beautiful woman, he wants to fuck you. That's what it is, okay? That's what it is. But, oh really? But, only

but involved is your fucking rump. Your rump is involved. Oh, Meryl Streep said some shit? Oh, Jesus, Meryl Streep said some shit. Oh, so now it's over, you know? I feel like Meryl Streep could be like, pie is steak. And women would be like, it's steak now. I mean, even dudes.

But like, she's like the closest thing to a queen we have in fucking America. Does she float? I feel like Meryl Streep floats. I love seeing Meryl Streep in a scene with another person. And she's just like, it's like, it's like she literally has the look on her face like, oh, you're going to act. Oh, cool. I'll fuck you up. Like, that's what she's thinking.

The best actors think that shit. I feel like I feel like the best the best actors are like i'm i'm about to fuck you the fuck up in this scene dude with words and emotions or not even emotions fuck that shit i'll play it close to the vest actors when they fucking dude what was the thing oh you know like how about like when i was looking at the Las Vegas thing, and the guy was like, yeah, a girl died in my arms, and we were trying to help her, he was straight up just saying it like he was talking about a recipe, and I was like, god damn, dude, he must have been in shock or something, but, like, you know, actors, if they were coming in,

and they were going to do that shit, they'd just be like, and then I grabbed her head, and then it was blood, and you know what, and everyone would fucking hold them up on a pedestal and be like, oh, they were so good, so brave, hey, if you're an actor, you're not brave, you pussy, go build a house, what's brave about that, about, I get it, dude, there are roles where you got to fucking live for three months, fine, I get it, dude. There are roles where you got to fucking live for three months. Fine.

That's somewhat fucking arduous. But brave, dude? Brave? If I ever win an Oscar or an Emmy, which won't. But if I ever do, I'm going to go up there and I'm going to say, I'm not brave. Thank you. And literally moonwalk off the stage. And I'm going to say, pussies and dicks, pussies and dicks, pussies and dicks, pussies and dicks.

As I moonwalk. It's disrespectful. Disrespectful. I just liked all this fucking jerking each other off shit. I mean, it's good to, it's good to, you know, but it's like, how about when actors pick the role? Because obviously they're like, I'm gonna get the Oscar for this. You're not doing it for the right reasons. Um, yeah, but it's like Meryl Streep doesn't do that I feel like Meryl Streep could just fucking play the shop of a

fucking play the role of a deli a deli fucking person we call a fucking deli owner and she's just like and the whole movie is just about her fucking cutting meat and they'd be like Meryl Streep Meryl Streep.

Meryl Streep. She just rules. Leonard Moulton. Or whatever the fuck that guy's name is. She just rules raves Leonard Moulton. The Washington Post says she's a splendid delight. No one captures the human soul like Meryl Streep. Raves the New York Post.

What? It's not even a fucking newspaper. Raves the village voice. Meryl Streep brings a level of humanity that even humans have never had alone in a room. She opens up a new door to humanity. Raves an elephant that writes for Village Voice. Leonard Maltin. Dude, how do you get to be a fucking movie critic?

You're just around your friends and you're just like, dude, that movie was good when you were 14. And they're like, yeah? Nah. And they're like, yeah, no, it is. Go see it. And they're like, oh shit, it was good. Oh shit. And then by the time you're 20, it's like, god damn, that movie was good when you're 14 and they're like yeah nah and they're like yeah no it is go see it and they're like oh shit it was good oh shit and then by the time you're 20 it's like goddamn it was good you start writing some fucking shit online about how good a movie is and then people are like like you get like 100 clicks a month and you're like ah shit and then all of a sudden you're getting fucking a thousand clicks and then before you know it you're 65 and you're fucking leonard malton and you're like go see fucking manchester by the sea because uh casey affleck just rules i don't like when they quote when the

guys get like cute with the quotes like it's like she's just spectacular when they throw all the fucking good words out the window, you know? And they're just like... I don't know. She's simply bitching. Raves Leonard Maltin. Could Leonard Maltin look more like a guy that would take the last piece of fucking cheesecake on set? Leonard Maltin looks like a guy that if you were going to get a piece of cheesecake, and it was the last piece, he'd be like,

shit, I gotta hurry up and get that before that guy gets that. Oh, look at that cheesecake eater, dude. I mean, fucking he's even dressed like a cheesecake eater. Look at that outfit. You don't even have to Google it. If you think of somebody who would take the last piece of cheesecake, just imagine that's him. He fucking is in a mock turtleneck with a fucking tan button down over it. mock turtleneck with a fucking tan button down over it. Dude, hey, if you were a mock turtleneck after Steve Jobs era, what you doing? Dude, it's like having the Hitler mustache straight up.

Charlie Chaplin had it. Okay. Then Hitler was like, this is how I'm going to be. Then Hitler was like, this is how I'm going to be. And then you can't have it after that. Michael Jordan tried about fucking 12 years earlier when he was on a Hanes commercial. Dude, that was the most balling ass shit I've ever seen. When Michael Jordan was on the Hanes commercial in the airplane and he was like, sure, I'll do it. And he showed up in a Hitler mustache. I mean, dude. That is the most balling ass shit.

Because you know Hanes when he showed up on the fucking day of shooting. Hanes was just like oh like they were literally like look up the scene in big lebowski where where uh philip seymour hoffman when when uh what's the girl's name tara reed is like i'll suck your dick for three hundred dollars and he's just like and then and then um philip seymour hoffman goes awful that was what haynes was like that was what haynes was like when michael jordan showed up in his fucking hitler mustache to hawk underwear they all went oh what philip seymour hoffman does right there right there seven seconds into the clip that's what the haynes people did

i'll suck your dick for a hundred dollars oh she jokes a lot that was the face haynes made dude michael jordan hey dude i'm sorry but when michael i'm sorry. But when Michael Jordan... I'm sorry, dude. But when Michael... I don't even know how to say this. But when I... Like in 2008 or 9, when I found out there was an actor named Michael B. Jordan,

I was like, that's that motherfucker, dude. That. I was like. That's that motherfucker dude. That guy is the shit. You know what dude. It would have been only the more of the shit. Is if he dropped the B. And was like I'm going to be an actor. Named Michael Jordan.

Fuck the best basketball player in the world. Like. And then I tweeted it once. That guy's name is michael b jordan i think somebody tweeted back the b is for basketball which is hilarious but that would be like like like if i was an actor and my name was Steve Q. Jobs, you know? Or like fucking, hey, I'm an actor.

I'm going to start fucking being, I'm going to start being in movies. My name is fucking Momar P. Gaddafi. Is that his name? Nomar or Momar? Nomar Garcia. Hey man, Nomar Garcia. You know why they named him fucking, he's a baseball player for the pirates, right? Yeah. You know why they named him fucking Nomar dude. You know why they named him fucking Nomar? Dude, you know why they named him Nomar, his parents? Because they wanted to name him fucking Ramon Backwards. Nothing's more Latino. Nomar is Ramon Backwards. I knew a guy who did that to his kid.

His name was Bob. Dude, Nomar, see ya. And then the kid has to grow up and be like, yeah, my name is Ramon Backwards. Nomar. Nomar Garcia takes the bat, takes the blade. Long fly ball. Ramon Backwards goes for yard. I mean, come on. All right, here we go. I'm going to introduce you to this new thing called Saucy. I hate shopping for alcohol, especially since I don't drink. I don't

know what I'm getting. I've wished I could have beer, wine, or liquor delivered for a long time, so I don't have to deal with it. Well, someone finally decided to do something about it, and I'm thanking them for it. Saucy. Introducing Saucy, the alcohol delivery app. Saucy delivers your favorite wine, beer, and liquor right to your door on demand. It's like Lyft for alcohol. Now, if you're in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago, San Diego, or Sacramento, your Saucy order will arrive at your door in 30 minutes or less.

For the rest of us, Saucy will deliver beer, wine, and liquor to your door in two days or less nationwide there are no order minimums you can no delivery fees no running to the store you got the saucy app you've got a fully stocked bar on your phone i think that's awesome for guys like me and for a limited time you can get 15 off when you download the saucy app and enter promo code congrats. That's Saucy. That's the Saucy app spelled S-A-U-C-E-Y and enter promo code congrats for $15 off. Get the Saucy app today and use promo code congrats. Square Cash. Longtime favorites here of the congratulations pod.

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No gimmicks. I even had a random person send me $5. Thanks, random person. Don't know how they got my information, but they did. Square Cash is better than the other guys. Trust me. It's the best app going. It's easiest. I use it. So let's talk about the new cash card. It's a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app. It allows you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. You'll get notifications for all payments made with the cash directly via the cash app. You can laser at your card to personalize it and it will be delivered directly to you for free. The cash app team is constantly building awesome new features. So what are you doing using the other guys? Get cash app today? Download the free Cash app for iOS or Android now. It's free

cunts. You can do what you want, but if you want to be in the congratulations cult and be a baby, you gotta do. You gotta do. Congratulations on the sweaty shirt, because for some reason when they built this house, they didn't put Vince in my podcast room.

So yeah. I don't know, you know. Let's look at this here. We're going to go to Instagram, and I'm going to look. I'm going to sift through the fucked up Instagram post this week. But before we do that, we're're gonna announce the next elder that's what we're gonna do we have a new elder and uh look before we announce this elder remember elders are true babies who demonstrate an exceptional devotion to the show and a commitment to spreading congratulations

and sometimes they devotion to the show and a commitment to spreading congratulations. And sometimes they've influenced the show. Our elder is Dan Worthington, at Dan Worthington. Why? A while back, he made this crazy flow chart to help you figure out if you're a coda. It's super funny and definitely demonstrates that he's been a true baby since day one. Let's give Dan a big congratulations here and on Twitter and welcome him to the eldership alongside the others. We'll DM you, Dan, with the details to get your official pin that is not for sale and your certificate that's signed by me. You're an elder now, dude. You get the cool pin. I'm walking around town and people are like, how do I get a pin?

But people are DMing me, I want to get one. How do I get one? Can I buy one? No. Can't buy them. My fucking opener wants one. I'm flirting with giving it to him, making him an elder, but he can't buy one. So, yeah. with giving it to him making him an elder but he can't buy one um so yeah congratulations dan worthington i i like you i like your style uh all right what are we doing here i'm looking at

through these most fucked up instagram posts of the week i got I got a lot of these, dude. I've already done that one. I've already done some of these, dude. Here's one. This is so long, dude. This shit. Fuck shit like this. Here we go.

Ready? Get ready for the most fucked up instagram post of the week i love that part just look okay so this is but some chick and she you know what she's doing she's just looking that's what she's doing she's just looking she's at a thing and she's just looking she's at a fucking outside patio thing and she's looking out it's already pretentious to make a picture like that you're just looking oh and here's what she says just looking ahead to my future no you're not you're looking she says. Just looking ahead to my future. No, you're not. You're looking at some mountains. Just looking ahead to my future. It's so bright and it is here by the mountains.

It's basic. So foreign, by the way, to say that. Just looking ahead to my future. It is so bright and it is here by the mountains. These mountains signify the challenges that we must overcome in life. We all have our fair share, some more than others, but everyone's challenges are significant to them, and overcoming these hurdles is a part of your life journey. Dude, you could read that on a goddamn poster. At the mall.

Hey, you know what you're as inspirational as? The mall. Hey, you know what you should as inspirational as? The mall. Hey, you know what you should do if you're saying these things? Stand next to Orange Julius. Hey, you're standing in the wrong place, though. You're looking outside near some mountains, but you're standing in the wrong place because where you should be standing is next to Orange Julius, where the guy on the plane thought you could get a fucking smoothie from. Everything happens in your life to build you, to mold you, and to prepare you for your destiny. Hey, don't talk about destiny online anywhere unless you're promoting a goddamn video game. It all falls into place. Tell that to somebody who's dying of cancer, by the way.

place. Tell that to somebody who's dying of cancer, by the way. Watch how much they fucking hate you. All life experiences make you who you are today. Cool. You're dying of cancer. You're someone who's dying of cancer. Doesn't work when you fucking implement cancer in this, does it? How about someone who was jogging and then got mugged and beat the shit out of and now can't feel the side of their fucking arms huh the choices you make or choose not to make the path you decide is the one for you each choice on your journey is important by acknowledge poor ones accept it don't hold on to it be kind to yourself and let it go learn it from and then to redirect, hey dude, stand next to Orange Julius. We can play the victim to circumstances or we can say, I am not what happened to me,

I am what you used to become, use your anguish to help others. The fog, the confusion, the uncertainty all dissipates. The research for happiness, the search for happiness right now. Guess if she says this is the moment or not in it. You don't search for happiness. It's the light inside you. You just need to let it...

You're just looking guarantee that person has bad relationships come on dude don't fucking do um so that's the most self-fucked up instagram post of the week let's look at through some of these uh things here um this is from the hashtag congratulations pod chris delia babies at delia babies somebody made that fucking account for me love the love that you made the count thanks what did you dress up for as halloween while you were growing up now the key word there is growing up now that's how i know this is a true baby because they know that i don't dress up now because i'm 37 what did i dress up for halloween is when i was growing up i don't know man i don't remember a werewolf once a fucking uh one time my

brother my mom said what do you want to be when you grow up and my brother said a cowboy and i was like that's stupid you can't be a fucking cowboy you can't just be a cowboy it's not a job it's a lifestyle and she was like what do you want to be and i said a werewolf and i meant it what the fuck was wrong with me when i was a kid anyway i was a werewolf um and um i remember werewolf one because it picture. I was the Punisher once with fucking, my mom drew the fucking skull on a black shirt. And then I had all this like cotton in the thing to make it look like I had muscles. And I think she probably still made me wear a jacket. And then I was, one time I made my buddies dress up when I was like 22.

I was still, I was too old. But I made them be Ethan Hawke from Training Day. We were all Ethan Hawke from Training Day. And we all had fucking mustaches on. Were you in it? No. And I had, we had the, and nobody knew we were dressed up except we were, except when they saw all of us together. They'd be like, wait, who are you guys?

Because we had on like jackets and fucking whatever Ethan Hawke was wearing on Training Day. And we were like, we're all Ethan Hawke from training day. That was probably my favorite Halloween. We were at a party. It was so dumb. We had like a hoodie on and then the fucking jacket over the hoodie. I probably have a picture of it somewhere,

but I don't know. It was still when you had those disposable cameras. But sometimes I still get people coming up to me and say, can I get a picture? And they'll have a disposable camera oh i always go like this oh cool where's your time machine uh thoughts on here's one from dan clark at danny 27 23 borderline change it but probably. But if that's your high school jersey number, like 27 or 23, change it. Thoughts on people who

enter food eating competitions? I think you meant competitions. Like eating the most hot dogs or hottest chili. Yeah, I know what it is, dude. Thanks. As in eating the most hot dogs. Yeah, I get it. Those people are weird as shit. How about that? it. Those people are weird as shit.

How about that? How about they're just weird as shit? How about they're weird? I feel like an Asian guy always wins the hot dog eating competition. It's because of their fucking steadfast determination and their work ethic. How do you practice that, by the way? Some of those guys aren't even fat. How do you practice eating 30 hot dogs?

Oh, look at the pizza he's eating. There's this one right here, Kobayashi, eating pizza. Oh, yeah, it's Kobayashi. Hey, how's Kobayashi not 700 pounds? Oh, he's getting nice with it. He's like moving his shoulders and getting into it. And he's got green hair why eats two pizzas in two minutes oh my god oh no he's got red hair eating the fucking that's his hot dog shit i guess

i mean this guy's gonna fucking oh dude how about when they almost throw up also why is this a competition like people are starving you know people are starving and have youtube and can watch this and these guys are just eating fucking hot dogs over and why is he ripped they're interviewing him he's got food all over his face uh oh how about this person alex cardenas asked me about the eyeball tattoos when the chick got a tattoo on her eyeball and now she's suing right i thought she was suing if not let's pretend like she is so we can talk about it she's gonna go blind right hey

this is welcome to hi there's a game show this is chris delia it's welcome to, hi, this is a game show. This is Chris D'Elia. Welcome to the game show. The person we feel bad about the least. Welcome the person who got a tattoo on her eyeball and then went blind. Welcome to the game show. You made your bed. Now sleep in it.

Canadian woman who got tattoo on her eyeball oops and my producer clicked on a fucking pop-up one fire them okay well then hit back how about that canadian woman who got a tattoo on her eyeball may lose eye is warning others about procedure hey not to be rude but you don't have to warn us about that because getting a tattoo on your eye is bad. It's okay. It's one of those websites that fucking when you click on it, it takes you to 47 other websites and then you wind up on some fucking girl sucking a guy's dick or like some bouncing titties, you know? How come fucking every like ninth website I click on, that's interesting. They have an interesting fucking clickbait.

I all of a sudden get a fucking bouncing titty gif in my face. Come on. I want to learn something and I got to fucking look about some pasty white girl bouncing fucking big ass titties in my face now. Also, who watches the family guy porn? Who watches the family guy porn who watches the family guy porn Seth MacFarlane's gotta be like what the fuck when you watch like uh Peter Griffin fucking Lois and with his veiny cock there's fam go to anything you can type in go to Pornhub you can type in family Family Guy. And then there's Family Guy porn. Who's watching this?

One thing for sure I know who's not watching it is Americans, for sure. That's some real foreign shit. That's some like, where you don't even know the country exists. Or, you know, Asians do it too, for sure. Because Asians watch some crazy porn. What is that about Asians? What is that? Like they'll fucking throw up ramen noodles on pussy, and that's like a subgenre.

I don't want to talk about that because that's so weird. What is this? That's just probably at a convention. Yeah, don't get tattoos on your eyeballs, even though I don't have to say that. I don't know. That's it. We could probably wrap up around now. I don't know.

That's it. We could probably wrap up around now. But my... I just thought about that. Why did I just think about that? Something I just... Anyway, whatever. My buddy Neil Brennan has a funny bit about how fucking girls talk about

how they haven't eaten anything all day. And then you say, oh, yeah. And then he says, yeah. And then he talks about what they ate all day. Hey, I made that bit sound horrible, but it's funny. Look it up. So anyway, all right, cool. I'm going to wrap this up.

Remember to try out Blue Apron's all-time customer favorites and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash congrats. I've done it. It's really good. SquareCash, have you switched yet? Download the free SquareCash app, design your cash I've done it. It's really good. Square Cash. Have you switched yet? Download the free Square Cash app. Design your cash card.

Get it for iOS or Android. Do it now. If you'd like. You don't have to. It's for conch. But if you do, congratulations. Rate and review the show, please. If the numbers don't grow,

then this cult's dead in the water, dude. You understand? Trying to get to this log cabin. At congratspod. the show please uh if the numbers don't grow then this cult's dead in the water dude you understand trying to get to this log cabin at congrats pod use the hashtag use the hashtag uh congratulations pod hope you're enjoying the video episodes on youtube if you listen you can also go watch me bullshit the episodes video video episodes go up on thursdays at the latest so you know what you can stop doing tweet me where's the video tweet me where's the video. Tweet me where's the video. Upcoming shows. Buy tickets on ChrisDelia.com. Australia. Adelaide, Perth. Melbourne,

Sydney, Brisbane. Columbus, Ohio. Columbus, Ohio will be a fun one. I like going to fucking places that where I look around and I think, why am I here other than audiences want to come see me? Irvine, California. Gonna be fun. Love Irvine. gonna be fun love Irvine one of my favorite places to perform uh San Jose Winnipeg new date uh sold out that show except for like

remaining there's like a little remaining seats there like one or two but I don't think you can get two together because you slept Calgary is on sale today new date Calgary go get tickets like Calgary winnipeg sold out immediately i feel like calgary will sell out immediately so go now merchandise constantly restocked stuff is in there and then it sells out that's just how it is you gotta keep up with the fucking supply and demand there will be new stuff there either today or tomorrow new new show new uh new stuff every day we're getting this restocked Yakuta, restocked Sifrikanch. Man on Fire, watch it.

And then I guess you can like stuff on Netflix now. I don't know, but like it. You can like stuff on everything now. Anyway, we're announcing a new T-shirt this week. And it's very cool. It might be my favorite one. So for the babies. So check back at my website, ChrisDelia.com.

And enjoyed you listening to me and enjoyed talking. Thanks for listening to episode 33 and 37. 33 plus 34. And in my head, I thought 37, but I said 33. Probably got dementia. It's probably coming pretty soon, guys. All right, man. You guys are great.

And remember, if you see my producer out in the streets, go on and fire him. Congratulations. Fuck you.