Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 370. Head In A Box

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

😮 Get 10-word ads at holler.baby/chrisdelia (PRICE DROP!) 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris wonders why anyone has ever gone hitchhiking. Plus we've got AI robots, TikTok bans, Richard Simmons, and some people getting real mad.  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

so yeah what's up i got san diego i'll be there this weekend and saturday at the alesmith brewery durham north carolina for my birthday show march 29th norfolk virginia then i got grand rapids and augusta des moines i got a bunch of different uh dates green bay Go to crystalia.com to figure that out. And also, I have my special out. Go check out Grow or Die at crystalia.com. And, oh, the new merch. This is one of them.

That's cool. I got a lot of stuff there. Life Rips stuff and other stuff and all that. So go check it out at crystalia.com. Otherwise, stay tuned and lock in for the next

congratulations episode. I didn't know when that sentence was going to end when I first did it, and it ended when it ended, and that's fine. and I didn't, you know, I said congratulations. It's like when people it's like when people introduce comedians that haven't really done it before and they're like, so Chris D'Elia's coming to stage and I just want to tell you a little bit about him and shit and then they already said your name and then so then they go, and Chris

D'Elia and it's just like, okay, well you said the name already, you blew it. Even though we all knew, you still blew it. You blew it! Shout out to Rob Hay Long time baby For the volume 2 Congratulations Log Cabin Rulebook It says for observance by babies

And It's got all the The things Like here it says episode 251 Vyvanse Boy at Sea And then it's got all the things, the old things. Like here it says episode 251, Vyvanse Boy at Sea. And then it's got like little things that, hankering for a Taco Bell. I don't know. If there's a co-ed gathering going on and somebody orders or gets the idea

or the hankering for Taco Bell, it's a woman that's drunk a little bit. Okay, so that's, and that's true, dude. And I agree with that. And I agree with it probably because I said it. But shout out for getting those down and making the volume two, dude. Wow, we got volume two already. I'm drinking that Magic Mind.

I'm not going to lie, dude. I'm tired today. I guess it's because I could be that magic mind. I'm not going to lie, dude. I'm tired today. I guess it's because I could be jet lagged. Do I believe in jet lagness? You know, maybe. But I also think it's a bit of a thing that people, well, how much of it is being jet lagged? How much of it is just being tired? You know?

Like, how much of it is just that, oh, you traveled and it's tiring to travel. And also you had to deal with like, especially if it's for work, you know? Maybe it's just, because jet lag is like an actual thing, right? Like it's like they say that it's like jet lag. Like they say that it's a type of fatigue caused by traveling across different time zones. So the body needs anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to acclimatize to the new time zone. So it's not actually a thing. It's just you being tired because the time changes. They don't need a word for that. Actually, I don't think that jet lag exists

because it's just being tired because the time changed. And you don't have to say that. You don't have to be like, yeah, I'm tired because the time changed. Everyone would know that. But you can just say, I'm tired. And people get it. They get it because you were traveling, and if they didn't know you were traveling, they'd be like, yeah, I was traveling. I'm tired. Because if you can say, I'm jet-lagged, they're still going to,

you might say, oh, yeah, but it's shorter if you say, I'm jet-lagged. People assume you're traveled. Yeah, I know. I get that. It makes it shorter, but still they're going to say, where did you travel to?

So you're in a conversation you don't want to be in already, and it's all good so from now on i'm not saying jet lagged anymore i won't yes how's that for one of the rule books from volume volume three dude i will not say jet lagged anymore because there's no reason to say it because i'm just tired from traveling i'm tired why i was traveling oh because the time changes so i was in shreveport and I was in Corpus Christi. Those were my, I never played those markets before.

And then I was in Houston, which was cool. I've been in Houston a bunch of times. But yeah, I am so tired from that. The older I get, the more tired I get. I went to bed, dude, hey, he did it.

He went to bed before his wife last night. She was up. Hey, guess what my wife did? Guess what my wife did after I went to bed? I don't know. I was out. I was out. My wife is making a whole new, she can't sit still or not do a project. So she's doing a project in Calvin's room. not do a project. So she's doing a project in Calvin's room. She's making his room an astronaut or no, wait. Yeah, no, a space motif, right? Space. Yeah, it is going to be outer space and robots and stuff. And she's painting it all and doing it. She's incredible at it. Really crazy. Like to have her as a mom is so awesome. I mean, she's not my mom, but probably, you know, I mean, I see see i see what she does i'm with her you know what i mean but um and so calvin is in our room sleeping because the other beds are all taken because tom hardy and um uh the guy from gladiator russell crowe sleepover every night uh and um together in one bed and so uh she's doing that and i i we put calvin to bed in our bed and then i i was trying to watch this

dateline thing even though i didn't want to watch a dateline because i watched too much case file i watched too much case file and that's a great podcast case file it's a um case file more like that he's australian it's an australian man the way they do they talk about what the case file in the in the in the um in the if you like murder mystery kind of stuff or just like it is so good but don't listen to that instead of this podcast but um yeah it's amazing uh And I was listening to that. Maybe I'll get to that later. So she was like, let's watch. I came home just like tired, not jet lag, but tired.

And she's like, I want you to watch. Dude, I walked through the door and she just says, I want you to watch this documentary on the Cold War. Watch this documentary on the Cold War. Now, let's think about everything we've learned about me in this whole, in this whole, since the beginning, since the inception of Congratulations, the podcast. Let's just, let's just think about that. You know, you're probably saying to yourself,

hey, wait a second, Chris D'Elia? He'd never want to fucking watch that. And wait a hot damn minute, he'd never want to watch that after flying all day, right? Now, it begs the question, hey, wife, sup, right? And why do i ask sup because if you're asking yourself that question at home hey wait a second chris wouldn't want to watch that after a day of flying from corpus christi connecting into dallas and getting and getting home at 8 30 hey what's the number one thing you don't need to say to chris when he gets home is oh hey chris i want to it's not even watch i want to re-watch she already saw it i want to re-watch this cold war documentary with you tonight hey wife hey wife though sup oh dude did did you don't

know me because you know me at home you know i don't want to do it so i say i don't know babe she puts it on and then i am like I can say like you know we get some boundaries I'm gonna set a boundary I'm just gonna tell her I'm gonna say you know what babe I love you but I'm just not in the mind frame for this and she said okay turned it off and turned on Putin addressing NATO in 2022 and the and with English with English audio over it so I'm like oh well that's kind of the same thing in my head. That's just the same thing. I just don't want to be reminded that the world might explode.

I don't want to. There's nothing we can do. You saw the BMW robot. We're fucked. He's just like, well, robots are starting to do that shit that automated systems do when you can't talk to a person anymore. Hi, I'd really like to help you. I'm sorry. Can you say that again? That shit. And you're just like, I want to speak to a representative. I'm sorry. It's just, can you say you say that again dude you don't need to stutter

if you're fake you know robots don't need to stutter but the bmw one you know what i'm talking about whatever the the ai robot first of all it moves like a person it looks like a robot but it moves like a person and you ask a question and it's just like well i i don't stutter just wait the whole time till you know what to say and then say you're a robot we know you're a robot we know you're not stuttering you're programmed to stutter so you're like you're like somebody who's like acting the least the least i could ask for is for my robot to be really shit you know anyway um I don't even know what I was talking about so so yeah so I don't want to I don't want to know the world I don't want to know the world's going to explode I mean I know the world's going to explode at some point

sometimes I'm like I had kids should I you know it's like I hope they figure it out maybe I had the kid to save the world though you know maybe it's like Terminator hope they figure it out. Maybe I had the kid to save the world, though. You know, maybe it's like Terminator 2. Maybe he's whoever the one is to save the world, John Connor or the other one. Maybe he's Eddie Furlong or whatever it is. I don't know. You know, maybe I made it. Maybe I made, maybe Calvin or Billy is one of the kids that's going to like fight the, lead the resistance. I don't know. I don't know.

But anyway, she wanted to watch it because she was just chilling all day. And I was like, I'm, I'm really tired. And she just turned on Putin. And I was like, I'm just gonna put Calvin to bed. I put Calvin to bed. And then I came down and I said, let's watch something else. Now what I wanted to watch was some YouTube shit about a serial killer, bro. Nothing better. Right. Especially if you're in that mood, I've been watching, I've been listening to the podcast case file all day about people just murdering and killing everyone. And I'm like really disturbed by it.

But I'm in it, dude. One thing about me is when I'm in it, I'm in it. I'm in it. I start doing leg day. I don't want to do it. But I start doing leg day. And then I do leg day again three days later. I do leg day again three days later.

Forget it. Dude, he's cooking. He's doing leg day for a year and a half straight up. And he hopes for gains. But I just get obsessed with stuff. I get one tattoo of a sudden you blink i got 20 um so i'm in the i'm in the thing i was listening to this uh podcast about that one of the episodes was this woman who got kidnapped when she was 19 by a man and his wife and there was a newborn in the car back when hitchhiking used to be there by the way i want to get to ai i want to get to the the dateline i want to get to the remind me audience i want to get to the dateline i want to get to the to the case file

all right but i i sometimes you'll turn on one of these podcasts and it's like in 1977 because hitchhiking was abundant you know people how do you how do you figure that fucking hitchhiking ever was okay? You know, how do you, how do you get getting into a random car, dude, getting into the subway, public transportation is dangerous. Getting into someone's car that's just driving by

and kind of going where you're going, it's a problem. You know what I mean? It's a big deal. that ain't no problem that ain't no problem you know what i mean it's a big deal hey dude imagine you're this hey they drive by they slow down you run up hey where you going barstow where you going i'm going to you know what i'm going close i can take you i'll take you about 30 minutes in okay and then you go okay and then you sit unless you're a perv dude picking up a chick who the fuck ever would pick up anybody right and that's the thing dude it led to so much groping and shit so this this 19 year old woman wanted to go to a surprise somebody at the party it's called colleen strand and she wanted to go uh to uh you know hitchhike like six hours to a friend's party to surprise her and lo and behold she got kidnapped because you shouldn't hitchhike and this this

this couple took her and the guy they they dude they kept her in her man i mean i don't even i this was so crazy i didn't even think it was real. I was like, I got to Google this after because I really don't believe it. But it's so, it is true. Dude, they kept her in an eight foot by like four foot box for 23 hours a day. And for an hour, the other hour of the day, they tortured her. Okay. Now, absolutely murder my brains if that happens.

Okay. Look, you know how long I last? You know how, that happens okay look you know how long i last that you know how oh dude you know how long i last one day as soon as they open up the 23 hours hey dude i'm i'm all good man just give me poison or just where's something sharp can i are we high up i'll just i'll just step out. 7.5 years. Every day she went in a box for 23. Sometimes she just laid on a table and they put a box on her head, a one foot by one foot box on her head for 23 hours dude laying on the just on the bed couldn't hear it they made it soundproof he would be making the torture devices while she had her head in a box dude and then they'd take her out 23 hours after 23 hours in the day and they'd hang her up by her hands and she'd just be dangling, dude. Let me tell you the last thing I want to

do when I'm locked in a box afterwards is dangle, dude. The mental torture, you know what? And then the physical torture, the mental and physical torture. And then when people say shit like, yeah, the physical torture was terrible, but the mental torture was beyond. Hey, man, they both suck. I think people do that to be cute. Any torture sucks. But, dude, this shit, this woman, 7.5. And the wife was like chilling because she was scared of the husband, too.

And she got beat, too. And she was just like, the husband was like like you better be with me in the torture thing you know and the wife is like okay dude one of the so they after two three years they let her have more time out of the box yo hey three she made three years dude they brainwashed her so bad that one day they made up this whole thing where this was fascinating. You got to go listen to this episode. But it's fascinating. And I'm not ruining it. It's just you have to go listen to it, period.

But the guy said, you're going to be my slave. And here's the thing. this company called the company is a is with has a bunch of rich elites around the world and they sell slaves so so people can torture them and you're one of them and if you run away they're going to kill you and so they brainwashed her they put her head in a box for 23 hours a day and then dang left her dangling for um an hour and then put her head in a box again, dude. And they kept doing it. They did it for two years to where she was brainwashed.

She wouldn't leave. They gave her privileges. They let her go outside. She'd always come back. Dude, I didn't even really think brainwashing was a thing, but it is a thing, dude. I would be brainwashed immediately. Dude, you know how quickly I would get brainwashed?

I don't know. She made it 7.5 years and then left went back home and you know what she did healed hey yo i'm done i the second i get a whiff of... Wait a minute. The second I get a whiff of... Wait, you missed my exit. Hold on a second.

Go, go, go. of wait that's you missed my exit hold on is you don't like the match first you do the gasoline first i know but still dude the box the head box was next to her in the car and she was like what Dude, the second I see a one-by-one box with a hole in it, dude. So much of my Xanax just can't stop. that's my spirit opening the window and leaving dude i mean i don't i don't understand how people get kidnapped i don't understand how people get uh tortured dude you know what jesus christ should have done let us have an off switch you know what whoever made us should have done whoever intelligent designer whatever whoever made us you know jesus christ liam neeson whoever created us should have been we should have been able to just oh it oh it's it's gonna be like this from now on for for how long for seven and a half years dude check this i'm dead i mean i just i can't i can't even know this the strength of this woman she's 65 now and she's just kind of speaking out about it now, dude.

And then if I make it out, here's the other thing too. If I make it out 7.5 years, if I make it out, guess what is the lowest on the agenda? Healing. Hey, dude, if you ever knew me 7.5 years ago, guess what? You don't want to know me anymore because i'm different dude i am cracked i mean there's got to be one day where your brain just goes we're just like oh man my head's still in this box and dude they made they made her they put her in a box under their bed while they slept. And she was just in this box, couldn't move. And they fucked on the bed and they did all sorts of stuff on the bed. And she was just there 23 hours a day, dude.

I can't last more than one day. I can't do it. Oh, you know what? They would kill me. I'd be so annoying anyway. Your brain breaks. You just go no fixing. Brain goes, just how are we going to be in here just go, no fixing. Brain goes,

just, how long are we going to be in here? Ah, fuck it. Gatorade just become fucking, what's his name? DJ Khaled. I can't believe that stuff really happens. I know it really happens.

I know people get kidnapped and I know people get killed and I know people get killed and I know... But people are really out there. Like, dude, they're murdering people? I watched... So anyway, I came home

and I was like, I really want to show my wife. My wife was like, I want you to watch this Cold War thing. And I was like, oh, in my head I was like, but I really wanted her to see the girl in the box thing.

It's called Girl in the Box. But when she said the thing about the cold war, I was like, I can't hit her with this. Cause she beat me to it. She beat me to it with the cold war thing. And I don't want to watch the cold war thing. So I can't now be like,

but I want to watch this with you. Cause it's the same thing she's doing to me. And then I'll be a hypocrite. I'm working all this stuff out in my head for no reason. I'm just doing it because I'm talking to myself and just being stressed out about it on my lonely, you know? And so I'm like, oh, you don't want to watch like one of those like serial killer things? Like I'm trying to ease into it. And she was like, no, because like, it's crazy what's going on in Russia now is like the same thing that was going on back in like 19, whenever the Cold War was.

And I'm just like i don't care i don't know i don't even care about war the cold version is worse you know so um so now i'm like i put calvin to bed i come back and i was like all right so no cold war stuff and it's fine what do you want to watch? And she says, I mean, I would watch like a Dateline or something. Didn't want to watch a Dateline. You know why? Do you know why?

I watch Dateline all the time. Do you know why I didn't want to watch a Dateline? Because I needed something harder. How fucked up is that, dude? We have to stop with the, you know, you know how many podcasts

they're like, they got about death and destruction and they got the last fourth house on the left or whatever that one is and then they got the morbid podcast what's that one last podcast on the left or something whatever the hell it is you know and and they all talk about the same killers but eventually there's one that you don't know about and then you learn about and then and then you did and then your wife's like, let's watch Dateline. And you're like, oh, who makes that? Disney?

Cute. Cute. I'll send you a YouTube link that'll blow your mind. Oh, dude, you want to watch? Oh, you want to watch Forensic Files? Cute. Check your email. Anyway, so we watched the dateline, and I didn't care about it.

I just couldn't keep my eyes open. And I went to bed, and I was like, I can't. And she was working on Calvin's room, you know. And I just go to bed, And Calvin is just sprawled out. Dude, I don't know what it is with kids, like little kids, like four, three, four. I guess I don't know beyond four because Calvin's four, you know. But like it's just, it's when you sleep in a bed with a four-year-old, like your kid, it's like sleeping with a ninja doing ninja stuff

it's like sleeping with a ninja fighting like you will you won't even be and they they won't it won't even be like oh kind of nudging you it'll literally like if you ever catch them if you wake i woke up once and saw my son just go like this like just like i'm like what is this he fucking knocked he need my jaw and i thought it was an accident but his hands were in the back of my head so he did it like a fucking tie move but do it and you go oh dude i i mean bro he'll come in my room fucking go to sleep tie kick me and then i and then i'll oh i gotta go in your room like dude my son is lethal when he's sleeping were your hands on the back of my head and so i got a great idea Hey, put a pillow in the middle.

I put a pillow right next to me so he can do all the tight kicks he wants. But he's basically just working out, tight kicking the pillow. Last night, I put the big pillow in between us because I didn't want him to kick me at all. Six in the morning, I hear my wife get up and leave. And I'm like, dude, what? Nobody in this house wakes up before nine. Nobody. And I mean nobody.

And I'm like, I get up. I follow her because I'm like, this get up, I follow her, because I'm like, this is weird. She goes to Calvin's room with all the paint in it. I'm like, is she going to work? She just gets in his bed with all the paint fumes, and I'm like, what are you doing? She was like, you put that pillow in the bed.

You put the big pillow in the bed, and it's too big, and now Calvin's pushing me out, and I go like this. Well, I do that so he won't kick me. But in my head, I go like this. That's the game. I was first to the pillow. Don't hate the player.

Don't hate the player at the game. Right? So, she slept the rest in Calvin's bed bed anyway you know it's like i guess i'm gonna keep doing that but what i don't know maybe that's bad or maybe it's he should sleep in his own room but she's like well i have to finish it's gonna take two weeks so he's gonna be sleeping in her room for two weeks okay it's all good guys foil my my the the love is blind is the my wife they make you watch love love is blind if you're in a relationship you can't not there's things that happen that if you're in a relationship that you're just going to end up doing, dude, sorry. If a Netflix dating show comes out, you're going to have to watch it, right? Even if you don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to watch Love is Blind. Why don't I want to watch

Love is Blind? Okay. First of all, I don't want to watch Love is Blind because of the title. It's not interesting to me. What does it mean? I know what Love is Blind means, but what does it mean for this title? So my wife's watching. She's like, you got to see this. So I look at it and I'm like, okay. So what this is, is two people meet each other, date each other, know each other. They get intimate with each other through conversation, no kissing, no hugging. And the reason why no kissing and hugging is because there's a wall in between them because they can't see each other so they know each other for weeks and they quote-unquote date for weeks and they pick who they love before they see each other and then they ask them to marry them before they see each other and i'm just like, hold on. That is the best part about watching a dating show is when the two people can fucking see each other.

Why do I care if they don't see each other? I want to see what the looks on their faces are when they say things and when they do things in front of each other. I don't want them just staring at a wall. And then they start saying, I love you. And nobody knows if anyone has bad breath or not. You don't even know what race they are unless, you know, you know, sometimes, you know, you can tell. But like one of the guys asked the woman hey can you describe yourself she's like no i'm not here for that and it's like come on though but do it anyway yeah help me out here so i'm watching love is blind now and i don't want to and it's boring because they can't see each other.

And I'm just like, they come up with all these other, all these crazy rules to these new dating shows with a hook, you know? It'll be like, yeah, dude, it's like steak dating. And like, our couples, all they do is eat steak, and they eat it all day long, and they find love through steak. At the end of each episode, I was just like, I don't know, honestly, who I love, but I just feel so fucking bad. Steak is love.

On Hulu. Steak is love. And so, I'm like, there's one dating show that there should be. Period. And they didn't make it yet. And this would be gangbusters. And you call it uh sex first or like fuck first you make it crazy dude you meet someone you you you meet a bunch of people you have to fuck them all

okay you just have to smash all right it's good what it's called? Smash first. That's what it's called. And you meet someone. You gotta smash. They film it. You don't show the in and out shots. You know what I mean? You don't show that because it's on Amazon Prime or something. It's not on Pornhub. But

they smash and you know, there's like eight dudes, eight chicks. They all smash each other. And you know, then you decide, cause you can get that out the way, dude, get that out the way. Now, of course I have an intimacy problem, but I'm telling you that it would be the number one dating show smash first. Hey guys, welcome to smash mario lopez will host it you know hey guys welcome to smash first guys how's it going so this is what we're gonna do we got eight guys and eight girls they're all going to what have sex with each other all right and it's great

they're gonna go out on it they're gonna go out and and into a room and they're all gonna smash each other it's gonna be awesome all right and they're gonna have sex with each other all right and then after that they're gonna see who wants to match up with who. Okay. But there's a twist, right? Only anal or whatever the fuck it is. There's a twist though. No kissing, right?

And then they smash. And then afterwards they're like, well, that person fucking stinks. You know, like I met, I met dude, there's people that come up to the meet and greet that I do. And they just stink like shit they stink like shit and it's okay most people don't most people smell real nice but some people stink like shit dude i was in canada there was a group of four people that came together that stunk like shit once and i go that is amazing but in smash first you know oh well okay i i don't want to be with them why you're in a little confessional honestly

they stink like shit yeah it was even hard to it was hard to stay with it but you know i had to smash them and after i was done i was just like, I can't be with them because they stink like shit. Oh man, that's too bad. Well, next episode of Smash First. I guess he didn't like her because of her breath.

You would also really know, every woman that I've been with, how would you be able to tell if you like somebody if you didn't like when more like mormons and shit or like really really really religious people how would they how do they do that how did they not till i'm married and then they get married and then they doink and yeah they don't know any better but still they know though they go oh it's

oh no oh okay i don't know man i just feel like dating shows are just whatever what is this oh wow we got this uh hi clinton i love you forever go to my page if you want to purchase a 10 word shout out or add holler dot baby slash crystalia um i just profess my love This is funny here. Richard Simmons, everyone thought he died. Because he's tweeted Richard Simmons. By the way, Richard Simmons isn't dead? That's crazy.

If there's anyone that would be dead, it would be him. He writes, I have some news to tell you. Please don't be sad. I am dying. Oh, I can see your faces now. The truth is we are all dying. Every day we live like we are getting closer to our death. Why am I telling you this?

I mean, who is he? The Riddler? The Riddler left a clue. Robin. Look. I have some news to tell you. Don't be sad. I am dying. All I can see are faces now.

The truth is. We are all dying. Every day we live. We are closer to getting our death. Why am I telling you this? Robin. Why is he telling us this? Robin, why is he telling us this? Remember fucking sweating to the oldies?

Come on, everybody! This is great. Richard Simmons. For as long as I can remember, people have made fun of me, and people still make fun of you, but you know what? I'm glad to be me. You should be glad that you are you. Three songs to listen to.

I Will Survive, I Am What I Am, and This Is Me. These songs will uplift you. Wow. You know. I didn't know he was alive, honestly. So, but this TikTok ban, this TikTok ban is crazy, by the way. Every app is stealing your information. Everyone.

TikTok is no different than Facebook is no different than, and I don't care that China owns it. It's all bad, dude. It's all bad. Hey, you're on Facebook, you're on Twitter, you're on the... It's all fucked. TikTok is... They say they gotta buy it. They gotta sell it. China has to sell it to us in the next six months or it's done.

Can't wait. What are these reactions to... god i mean you open up tiktok and you see how about how tiktok can just make someone famous immediately if they wanted to just put them on everybody's home page that's crazy here's a reaction to the tiktok band oh oh u.. government of America, you've made a big mistake. I mean, a Batman villain. Wow, a lot of Batman villains. You think you can take away our app? Well, we are the most powerful... Already.

Already. Already. Dude, not... Oh, my God. Like, dude, Calvin's not getting a phone until he's 35. Generation that there ever was. We are Generation Z. Oh.

We won't let TikTok fall. We will rise, rise above it all. Gets his hand stuck in the fan. We will save TikTok. Gets his hand stuck in the fan. Oh. Oh. The fucking Joker! The Joker. The Joker. Dude, why is he...

Why is he... Oh, great spin. Flare Waste Project. Charlie D'Amelio. Noah Beck. Oh, God. Dude, hey, you know, just I hope it gets banned. I hope it gets banned.

After that, it's all good. that uh it's all good dude how about cameron on his rise in sports media and the quote says i'm the new journalist n word we sat down with cameron in las vegas to discuss his transition into sports media his haters and his show it is what it isended a $13.5 million deal and more. Really? That's crazy. Is that the one with Mace? No. That's not the one with Mace.

The one with Mace is crazy. I didn't know he was doing sports stuff. Wow, good for Cameron. Horse and cabbage. Horse and cabbage. What is this? Megan Good goes out with Jonathan Majors he's not in jail yet right was he sentenced no

or is he he won't even get it anytime but he's guilty she says Megan Good is in love with Jonathan Majors I have joy in my heart she says huh Megan Good hasn't left him that's side left his side following his conviction

on harassment and domestic assault charges while the couple attended the naacp image awards on sunday saturday evening good had a quick chat with people acknowledging a relationship with the creed 3 actor i'm in love i'm transitioning i'm healing i'm growing and i'm getting excited about what's next good Good, told the outlet. Yeah, just a lot of things at once, but what I can say is I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. Very sweet. Well, hey, you know what? Wow, that's crazy.

And then here they are. She's short. So. Wow. Wow. Wow. Jesus. And then people are just like, when they kissed, he does not love people are just like, he, when they kissed,

he didn't, he does not love her. You know, people on Twitter. That's fucking love, huh? That's wild, dude.

Hey, good for them, you know, who knows? I was at, by the way, I was in Texas. You know, I gave Whataburger another shot. I gave it another shot. It's not bad.

I never said it was bad, but like I ate it and I'm like, man, In-N-Out just dwarfs Whataburger. And I ate Whataburger again. And you know me, dude. You know, it's like I didn't just eat one. I ate more. And I ate more and I ate it know, it's like, I didn't just eat one. I ate, I ate more and, uh, I ate more and I ate it a few times too. So I'm fat and that's it, dude. And I, I, I feel awful today besides the being tired from flying. Uh, I just was at the gym and in the

middle, you know, you're not, you didn't, you're not eating right when in the middle of a workout, you got to go to the bathroom number two. And I did that. And so Whataburger is okay. Let me tell you something about Whataburger though. I ordered at Postmates, okay? I was with Sam and David. We were in, where was this? Corpus Christi, right?

Got on it, just a hail mary i threw as i order it i hit hey they got chocolate chip cookies i go yeah bring chocolate chip cookies too boop on the way out here it come right so i ordered a bunch of um burgers and and chicken sandwiches. Oh, Denny. It was Denny, not Sam. Denny's eating wings from there. It's fucking weird, but you can get it. So,

the cookie, I eat the cookie. It doesn't look promising at all. Top cookie. Any cookie that isn't like a homemade you know or or or a cookie place it rivals any of it and why don't they lead with that they should make a commercial it's like oh oh hey the cookie is back at water burger hey water burger what's up we got cookies am i wrong here the cookies at water burgers are so good i i got

only one i wish i got more dude and now i can't get them because it's only you know it's only in texas but guess what i brought some of those coffee crisps back from fucking from canada so that's that's absolutely fucking awesome man hey you won the other day in corpus christi dude i'm fucking silly anyway um i think that tyler uh the creator's right about this ai shit tyler creator says i will never catch up to me creatively i shouldn't instead be used from should instead be used for mundane shit uh it's tyler okay if you're already what is he 40 no he's not 40 yet right but like and and already famous, you can make it, right? But if you're coming up now,

if you're five, and you decide, you know, like Justin Bieber, remember when he started when he was three, just with the drums and all that shit? Now, you're fucked.

AI is going to have the most banging music because it's, you know why? It's exactly what I want to hear. How about this, dude? How about this? People think actors and writers are going to be okay with this AI shit. Check this out, dude.

They're going to have something like, have I said this before? They're going to have something like, hey, imagine what you want to watch. And then you can watch that so i'm just like fuck don cheetle i can just say oh uh a movie about the 1940s with johnny depp in it about the 1940s with Johnny Depp in it and uh he's gay as shit uh and uh he's trying to fight revenge his you know uh wife's death oh dude hey hey by the way Netflix make it dope you know directed in the style of Steven Soderbergh yeah hey I make it to cinematography with the guy who did fucking Dune huh and then it shows it and you oh fucking I just imagined that shit I spoke into it it was ready in three minutes I'm watching it why the fuck would I watch a movie some jackass made

when I could watch what I think oh we didn't think about that did we oh we didn't think about that did we so my friend Dan is fucking wrong when he says oh but people want to watch real people doing shit no no no not if I can make Dustin Hoffman take it in the ass if I'm gay and he's my gay crush and make a whole movie called Taking It In The Ass with Dustin Hoffman you could just watch that hey Netflix make Taking It In The Ass starring Dustin Hoffman

yeah yeah oh by the way I want Matthew McConaughey to be doing all the fucking hey thanks Netflix yeah make it 1940s directed by Steven Soderbergh I don't give a shit you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah, no, but they're, oh, but,

oh, but they spent a year and a half making a real movie. Oh, but they spent a year and a half making a real movie, though. And fucking Timothee Chalamet and his, Timothee Chalamet. Oh, yeah, oh, that's nice. Oh, what's it about? Oh, it's about the fucking, the crime

syndicate where it's underground and then this and that, and it's a love story, and it's actually really it about oh it's about the fucking the crime syndicate where it's underground and then this and that and it's a love story and it's actually really great and it's about ip it's about it's it's already intellectual property and fucking um uh uh stan lee made a graphic novel about it and we just uncovered it and that's what oh yeah dude oh yeah hey hey hey hulu me at home oh that's cool hey hulu uh how about uh uh uh who's that guy from the fucking uh giovanni rabisi taking it in the ass to sequel hey hey hey i don't even want to see the first one giovanni rabisi taking it hey hey hulu make giovanni hey hey hulu make a show a fucking limited series called taken in the s2 starring giovanni rabisi and dash me hawk the guy from fucking Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo DiCaprio,

one of his friends, Leonardo DiCaprio. And I want it to be called Take It In The Ass. And the limited series is directed in the vein of Steven Soderbergh. And have it take place in the 1940s, dude. Hey, and Barry Pepper comes in episode three and takes it in the ass too. Go. Buffering. Taking it in the ass.

Two. Limited series. Starring Giovanni Ribisi. Dash me hook. And Barry Pepper comes in in a few episodes. Directed by, in the vein of, Steven Soderbergh. Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, come on! Come on! God damn it!

Me eating popcorn? Yeah, I'm going to fucking fucking watch timothy chalamet oh but they made a real movie dude i'm telling you dude i'm telling you right now make the movie i say are you kidding me i'm never leaving the house once that happens make the movie i say and uh yeah and zach braff have zach braff uh what is that word uh what's that fucking god come kind of culminate cure procure but not procure what's the fucking word with the were you but the all the meme guys say said that they were doing it they were they were with with all the memes i didn't make them but were doing it. They were, they were with, with all the memes.

I didn't make them, but I'm, you know, I'm talking about that word. Curate. Yeah. And have Zach Braff curate the fucking soundtrack. Dude.

Well, that made that joke better that I couldn't think of that word. Um, Zach Braff and fucking Donald F faze on and just in 97 commercials you know right now dude turn on your tv if you don't see zach braff and jonathan faze donathan faze on you're you're you're not you're watching streaming dude they got a fucking commercial out with jason mimosa right now and they're all singing pretty soon they'll have one with billy bob thornton or uh millie bob thornton i tried to watch that damsel movie god god that's fucking

you know yeah they don't need to make these movies anymore when when they have the imagine and watch button on straight up roku they'll have it too i gotta get this tatted up right here what am i gonna get on it i don't know what am i gonna get on there did fucking chess today don't talk to me um but yeah i can't wait i can't wait to see what happens to hollywood with this shit live shows will be okay live shows will be okay for a while and i told you the last job that's going to go is magician. That'll be the last thing that people hang on. What is it? This is real?

This is a real person? These are real people in the Grand Theft Auto thing? Filmed it with a drone? Oh, wait, hold on. Let's go. He hops off the... Come on, man. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Wow, the chick's bad at it. It's so much honking. Dude, the way the guy runs is hilarious. I mean, so much honking. Dude, that's so funny. That way he runs and hops. Can't watch it. Can't listen to it.

He should kill someone. Is he going to kill someone? Otherwise, damn shit. The way he barks. He barked off to the side. Guy's going to get a ticket. That's funny dude that's funny dude the way he parked was so good

you know they didn't get a permit you know god that's funny GTA's killer i can't wait till the next version of it i don't play it yet i try playing it i can't wait till the next version of it it's on for me dude i'm gonna be in that world forever i'm getting goggles you know the um the the you can get uh the ray-ban fucking glasses where you put it on and you can record your glasses? You know those? Do you know that those exist? Those are crazy.

You can tell when people are wearing them, though. They look so fucking fake and weird. Except you can't tell in L.A. because people are artsy, right? And they'll wear dumb shit on purpose. But if you're in Nebraska and you get those Ray-Ban glasses and you start, you'll know people are starting recording people because you just look like such an asshole. You look like you're blowing on a Tim Burton movie. You'll be like, what the fuck is he wearing that? But dude, my tattoo artist

got one and man, he looks cool in it, you know, because he already wears a hat with a feather in it. And it's just like and he's so tied it up because tattoo artists are so tied it up, you know. But I got to get one of those, man. You know what I got to get one of those, man. You know what I got to get one of those for? Arguments with my wife.

What's that, sweetie? No, I didn't. Hey, Siri, start recording. So wait, what were you saying? And she would be like, why are you paying attention so much? You never pay attention. Why are you just boring a hole in her? Oh, no reason reason i just want to

make sure i document i got a built-in stenographer now okay um yeah i guess my shoulder's just not ever gonna get. I haven't even talked about it yet, but it's been like three months ago. My son, Calvin, I was driving and Calvin was in the, the, the child seat behind me to the right,

you know, in the passenger side. And, and he said, dad, I dropped my fucking thing, you know, whatever.

And I was like, I'll get it for you. And I reached back shoulder fucking just hurt. Just never stopped. Hasn't stopped. Won't stop. Can't stop. Won't stop.

So that's cool. And I go every time I go to the gym, I'll do a few exercises. I'll get that real hard pain and then it's gone and then it doesn't hurt that much. It doesn't hurt when I'm just chilling, but if I reach back, forget it, dude. And that's my life. But shout out to Anthony who works at the Lakers.

He fixed my tennis elbow, so that's cool. And I'm basically an athlete. Oh, man. I got to go to... Wait. That's right. Record me, you dumb fucking millennial piece of shit. oh wow didn't expect that

yeah just falling dude listen to this last part i mean dude you know this so much about this is so weird how about that's falling down that's michael michael uh douglas and falling down right there god i love people getting mad why is it so message to have you seen message to... Have you seen Donald Trump? Do you think he should step in? Donald Trump don't trust China. China is asshole.

And what's your message to... Have you seen Donald Trump? Do you think he should step in? Like, why is it so funny... When people... Get mad? Why is it so funny? when people get mad. Why is it so funny? It's because you relate. It must be because you relate.

I don't understand. When you see someone get mad, especially if you don't know them, it's on, dude. I'll watch a movie of that. I mean, it's on dude i'll watch a movie of that i mean it's so if you're just at like you know a place getting uh a bowl like simple greens or something or no sweet greens simple greens is the fucking but anywhere and they're in line and somebody gets mad you just just go, oh, man, I'd rather that than get a blowjob. I mean, I wouldn't, but it's like.

I've been driving like an idiot. I've been driving, and she's got the fucking phone. I have the phone. I watch you on the phone. And that's really nice of you to take and pick your finger out. Oh, fuck you, man. Fuck you, you bitch. Don't fucking take my fucking picture.

Get the fuck away from my car. Close the window with him. Close the window with his arms off. Get the fuck away, buddy. You want to fuck around? So Canadian. Get the window with his arms off. So Canadian. Oh, my. Oh, the guy's enormous.

Enormous. The guy out of the car is enormous. Oh, the kid comes out. Oh, wow. The other kid's fucking... The other kid was squaring up, dude. That little eight-year-old was squaring the fuck up. Oh, fuck you, man. Fuck you, you bitch. Don't fucking take my fucking picture.

Oh, he's so from Victoria, BC, you know? Get the fuck away, buddy. You want to fuck around? Baby, don't. Baby, don't. Baby, don't. You know? Look at the kid.

Look at the kid squaring up. The little kid squaring up. Look at the bigger kid. He's like, all right, okay, let's chill. You know, he's being the adult here. Look at the little kid squaring up the little kid's squaring up look at the the bigger kid's like all right okay let's chill you know he's being the adult here look at the little kid squaring up dude squaring up man oh shit that's rad that's rad if i did if i was getting to get in a fight and billy came over and did that i'd start crying and be like oh son i'm so sorry you you have my back there, didn't you? I love you. Please. What are you doing? Leave. Go away.

What are you doing? Go away. I'm going to be the way I'm going to fucking Zimbabwe, you stupid little ped. Harry Potter. This is a scene from Harry Potter, you know? Get away from here. Oh, my. What are you doing?

Leave. Go away. What are you doing? Go away. Is that Nick Nolte? I'm going to be the way I'm going to fucking Zimbabwe, you stupid little ped. Get away from here. is that Nick Nolte oh is it a racist thing she said Zimbabwe right that's kind of hacky to say Zimbabwe

oh my god go back to Zimbabwe you stupid little pimp wow that's so racist she looks like Nick Nolte alright cool and that's also what she's wearing is the worst jacket I've ever seen in my life. All right, that's it. There you go. There you have it. If you want to subscribe, that's it for the YouTube show. If you want to watch the rest of it, go to patreon.com slash Chris Talia.

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