Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 380. Put On A Helmet

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

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Runk. Alright, here we go. It's episode 3 something something of congratulations. Dude, you know what's up, man? You know what's straight up up? Is that my shoulder hurts, my back hurts in two different places. I'm just crazy good, dude. I'm just crazy good. I mean, I'm every bit of 44.

I mean, just, it just got me age. Just got me. And I just am old, I guess. But I'm not though, right? I'm in my 40s. That's not old. You know what I try to do? I try to like think about, because I think about when I was like 10, I'm like, what's old?

And I'm like, 30 is forget it. But then you get to be 30. You're like, this isn't old. And you keep going and going. And as you keep going, you're like, this isn't old. So I'm trying to be like, what's actually old, you know? And I think I'm going to put it to 70. I think 65 and up, maybe. But then I know I'm going to be 65. See, my thing is, I think it just happens. I think it just happens one day. You just wake up and you go, oh, wait. Oh, I can't really move around like I used to, but I was doing pistol squats at the gym today with weight. And yeah, dude, somebody said, hey, how old are you, Chris? I said, 44. And he said, Jesus, wow. And I was like, oh, yeah, dude, somebody said, Hey, how old are you, Chris? I said 44. And he said, and he said,

Jesus. Wow. And I was like, Oh yeah. I mean, yeah, I'm flexible. You know, I gotta keep it going. And he was like, Oh, that's really good for your age. And I'm like, Oh man, I'm one of those guys that people are saying that's good for your age now, you know, and I'm eating healthy. I'm trying to, but I was thinking like today I was thinking actually, what is the, like if you, okay, so how many years, what's the cutoff with like, say you could live, because my buddy was telling me that his like grandma was 107 and she's still alive. And I was like, oh, that's, she's the oldest person in the world, you know? And then, um, congratulations, you have the oldest person in the world in your family. So it's just like, at what age are you just like, oh, come on, dude.

Let's try this death thing out. And I get it, you're dead longer than you are alive, so might as well ride the life thing out. Might as well ride it out. Like even people who do the slower side which you know i've been there i've thought about it and it's just like i'm like well maybe that's the point of life though just to survive the pain starting off starting off on a nice note but but I didn't mean to,

but I'm just like, at what point would you like, okay, having a dope body, right? Male or female? Probably female is way different than male, but if you're a male, having a dope body, like a forget about a body, a body where you're just like, holy, holy Christ, look at that guy.

You see him at the gym and you're like, did they make you here? Like that kind of guy, you know? That kind of guy with that body. How many years off your life would you shave to have that body? Like let's say you're going to live to be 80. Would you rather live with a dope body as 70 years? And now think about what that means.

It's not, you know, people are like, oh, that's vain. But it's not just about being vain. It's about moving around. It's about feeling healthy. It's about, you know, you get to splurt a lot more. That's for sure. You get to meet, you know, you get to meet women and you get to splurt a lot more. That's for sure. You know, so, and you also get to eat more things that you want to, right? Cause if you're a fat piece ish, then you can't, right? So say you're a fat piece of ish and you would live to be 80. But that's 10 years.

10 years is a long time. I don't know what I would pick. I think I might pick good body, dude. Oh, he's vain. But it's not because I'm vain. It's because I want to jump around, dude. I want to move around. But I don't know, though, man.

Maybe you get to 70 and you're like, it wasn't worth it. I'd rather be a fat piece... It's still 80. I get 10 more years it's a long time anyway dude it is what it is you know and we're

we're hanging I'm gonna be I added a show in Brisbane Australia so I added a show so there you go so it's selling out so you know the show in Brisbane is selling out. And then that's what's up in Australia. So it'll be fun. Oh, good.

Oh, good. I tried to go to my own website and I wrote cricksdalia.com. How come I never thought about that before? That's kind of interesting. Cricks Dalia. But yeah, I'm also also gonna be doing irvine it may 31st and june 1st but i will be in charleston west virginia and chattanooga may 25th uh and des moines for some reason uh green bay gonna be in green bay and then a bunch of places

and then listen guys i'm coming to auckland New Zealand, all right? I get people under my, every Australian post I do, they say, dude, you really should come to New Zealand, please. Gonna be there, dude. I'll be in Auckland, all right? I'll be in Auckland. And then Oxnard, California. Des Moines has got to be the most... I've been there before, I know. I never know where I've been or not.

I played St. Petersburg in Florida. They call it St. Pete, which I don't know how I feel about that. But I was walking around, and it's kind of almost like a little island. It's technically, I guess, a peninsula, right? And it's kind of the Tampa market a little bit. My tour manager will be like

it's not tampa we could play tampa and i'm like i love tampa i want to play tampa he's like oh we'll do that but we got the saint pete one so let's do saint pete we'll do tampa later and i'm like okay and then i get there and everyone's like dude can't believe you came to tampa and i'm like it counts it counts dude it counts for the tampa count and now i'm not gonna sell as many tickets in tampa and that's fine i guess because, oh, let me actually address something here. All right. I was in St. Pete and the cap on that is like 1,700, the seats, right? Now, I think I sold about 1,660 seats. So let me just break it down for you. I'd say there's a grace that comedians get where you could say you sold it out, right? Like if you're just shy 40 tickets or 50 tickets or whatever, even depending on how big the venue is 100 tickets you can get away with yo sold out right i technically i didn't sell it out but a lot of

those seats are single seats and a lot of those seats are shitty obstructed view seats or in the back and there are a lot of people who would want to go see a show that think yeah but i don't want to sit in the back and watch it so i'll wait till he comes next time or whatever okay so i i'm fine with comedians say saying hey sold it out if they're shy a few seats and and depending on how big the thing is you know you're playing 20 000 if you if there's 500 seats left just say you sold it out that's fine i don't care that's impressive you know what i gotta hand it to you right but we are living in a in an epidemic of times about comedians just straight up lying about selling out they're lying dude and there's not and there and there's many a bunch of comedians are lying about it

and i'm talking about there are thousands from selling out whatever it is like i don't know there's a picked one say say a big venue like the garden or or you know madison square garden or or whatever it is they're lying they're lying and it's wild because who you doing it for who gives a fuck you sell 16 000 tickets that's a lot if they just made the place a little bit smaller you sold out but these comedians and i and i i'm not going to name who they are and it might not even be who you're thinking of but like i see this i'll go on and i'll be like this dude said sold out and then i'll hit up somebody in the industry i'll be like did it really sell out and be like no not even close why are you doing it i guess it's all about

perception but it's not though dude it's about. Why are you doing it? I guess it's all about perception, but it's not though, dude. It's about being the real you, dude. It's about being the real you till you die. Dude, we listen to Tupac. We listen to Tupac. I used to be so obsessed with being real when I was 16 and that's nothing.

Just saying you're real is really nothing, you know? So yeah, anyway, I had a great time in St. Petersburg. It was pretty much sold out. It was sold out, you know? I don't know. I honestly don't even know if there were some seats left. I couldn't see. It's too far back. And my buddy Steve Simone opened for me. I should say he featured for me. He's so awesome. It was so awesome to see him. You got to give him a follow. His special is going to come out at some point soon, I think. But the guy is just super funny and super different. I love it.

I love it. You know, I do have other things to talk about. But then also it's like I want to be funny. And the things that I really want to talk about are just like more like not funny things. But I'm just like maybe I should just do it. Do it. You know what? I'm going to talk about are just like more like not funny things but I'm just like maybe I should just do it do it you know what I'm gonna do it this is the feel good episode I don't give a shit there's a dude um who is the uh who's a wrestler and and he's awesome and his name is um uh let me find it tommy invincible not his real name mom and so and of course not his real name so he's a uh wrestler an independent wrestler and is it on here okay uh okay here it is and i went to go play it and i didn't i don't

know if it went viral or not but uh this is i can't stop thinking about this video it's so awesome okay now it's a an, it's an independent wrestling. By the way, independent wrestling has got to be fucking insane. You know? Like, they don't, like, you watch, WWE is crazy enough. Independent wrestling, where so few people give a fuck about it, they just go for, they'll be like, here it is. Here we go oh

oh and off the ropes oh oh what's this a hot poker oh no into his anus oh no he's gonna have to go to the doctor wait wait a minute he's gotten up here he is oh god wait a minute hold on what's this he's got a bazooka oh no He's aiming it right for his head. Oh, he pulled the trigger. Oh, his head blew up. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. He's getting up. You know?

It's just like crazy. And I have no interest in wrestling, you know? I just have zero interest in wrestling. I won't even put on that Iron Claw movie. That's how much no interest I don't have. And I'm sure it's a great movie. I almost watched it on a plane the other day, but instead I watched Night Swim.

Terrible. And so I put on the... I almost watched it, but I didn't. But so it's a good story. So I'm on the – I almost watched it, but I didn't. But so – it's a good story. So I'm watching this thing. I come across this video of a guy doing independent wrestling. And I'll just play the video. It's – my first inclination was to be like, wow, this is sad.

But it so was not sad and the opposite of sad and awesome. And it was all because of this guy. And when I hear people like complain about their jobs and when I hear people talk about how, you know, their life sucks and how they got the short end of the stick and how they're like, oh man, I'm not where I want to be or where I, you know, it's easy to get wrapped up in that and to be like, yeah, I should have gotten this. I should have gotten that. And then you see a guy like this. Just take that and dump it on its head. And you're like, wow, this guy is the guy.

Look, I'm going to play this video. Nine people. Look at this. Bro, there's eight people there and he's going to wrestle. Look at the claps. And look, he's pointing to people. Like, they don't have any. And look, there's like six kids, and they go to. They made these kids day and just slap each one of their hands. And then does his Tommy Invincible. Tommy Invincible thing.

And then gets up on the thing and then poses like there's 5,000 people in the audience. Dude, that's so, I saw this, and I'm telling you, I couldn't stop thinking about it. And then he gets in the ring, he's like, let's go. And I left a comment, because this guy is, you know, he doesn't have many followers, but I left a comment because I'm like, I don't know. I said, this is awesome. I've done shows for even less people than this in the beginning of my career and always tried to give it my all just like you're doing. Got to start from somewhere. Seeing this video really brought back a lot of great memories for me. Thank you for sharing this. As your audience grows, it's definitely cool, fun, and wild. Even so, I can honestly say it never gets better than this.

You're really fortunate to have those moments. Good luck to you. Dude, and it's true. It never gets better. And it's sad. It's sad, but it's also happy, dude. It never gets better. Dude, it just, it's, it's what a life is what you make it. Dude, hey. It's corny, but sometimes sayings are true.

Yay! But it is what you make it, dude. You don't have to work out. You get to. Do you know what I'm saying? is what you made wait now look that's not to say people who wake up in the morning they're like another day of god's green earth breathe in air hey i'm above ground aren't i they are annoying but still dude it also kind of makes sense life is totally what you make it you know it's not even about the things that you're doing

that make life good what the fuck but the things you do can make life so fucking toxic and bad but dude all it takes is 20 minutes to absolutely ruin your life and but i will tell you this though dude it's unbelievable that life is what you make it dude and you realize that through tommy invincible and that is fantastic i you know when i get it pisses me when i see people say i needed to see this today dude i'm like nah bro be in control of your domain be in control of your element be in control but i'm like i saw that and i'm like i needed to see it dude because i'm like so fortunate and this dude is giving it his all and he's making those kids days and i you know like i i was at a show i did a, uh, my tour manager was like, dude,

there's this one couple that can't make it because their dad had to go to the hospital. They had cancer or whatever. And, uh, so they're not going to make it. And, uh, they, they wanted, they, I don't know. I got word through the venue. So I sent them a video like, Hey guys, I'm sorry. You can't make it it's not and so uh and then i just i hope that they're happy about that like i hope i hope that um you know i i i making people feel good is is is is so nice dude it's so nice and there's people out there that just don't do it and honestly i've i've been there too where i'm just like fuck this motherfucker i mean it catches you gotta catch yourself right because you see those movies where you're like And there's people out there that just don't do it. And honestly, I've been there too where I'm just like, fuck this motherfucker.

You got to catch yourself, right? Because you see those movies where they're like, no, no matter what, I'm not like you. I won't stoop to your level. And every movie I see like that, I'm like, bro, stoop to his level. Shoot him. Hey, stoop to his level. Ah, stoop to his level. Ah, stoop to his level. Hey, punch him in the face, right?

Nah. You know those movies? A lot of them are racism movies that take place in the 50s. And they're just like, remember, you just got to turn the other cheek. And I'm just like, nah, don't turn the other cheek. Fuck him up, dude. Fuck him up. Right?

But my God, that was awesome it was awesome so we're all fortunate if we realize it right why because we're just like those annoying dudes hey above ground happy to be hey still breathing hey another day above ground right nah but don't say it hey another day above ground right nah but don't say it uh what is this jerry seinfeld apologizes for sexual undertones what in b movie B movie skip ad you know during Duke commencement address but I would not change it back paddling

guys I'm so sorry would you change it no no despite many walking out on Jerry Sanfors Duke commencement address the stand up comedian these articles dude still delivered his speech and apologized for the sexual talk like what is what is this sentence

what is this first the first sentence in this article let's let's read this first sentence in this article dude despite many first of all you know if an article starts with despite whoever the subject is they're going to be raked over the coals right so like despite walking out on jerry seinfeld's duke commencement address the stand-up comedian still delivered his speech and apologized for the sexual undertones in b movie. Now look, okay, let's just look this up here, okay? When did Bee Movie come out? Hmm, 2007. All right, so that's near 20 years ago, dude.

That's 15 years ago, okay? So why is a first sentence in any article referencing Bee Movie? Yeah? Even if Jerry Seinfeld says, hey, dude, you know what? I'll tell you this much. I've heard about the movie B-movie too much in my life. Too much in my life. It's not a movie that you should hear about as much as you hear about. And that's as much. And I'm telling you, man, I swear to God, I hear about the movie B-movie so much. It's so, it was 15 years ago.

It's a cartoon movie about a B. And I know some of you are sitting at home and you're just like, oh, dude, yeah, but I never hear about B-movie. But okay, fine. But you know, there's that thing in your life that you hear about too much that you shouldn't. This is not for me.

B-movie is just, I hear about it too much. And you know what, dude? I hear about Jerry Seinfeld too much. Okay, and I don't dislike Jerry Seinfeld. I think his shit is funny. Why do I keep hearing about him? Dude, it's unbelievable. They want to get him so bad.

They want to get him so bad. Jerry Seinfeld is a shit. I love it. He'll do an interview and be like, no. You know? You know, they'll ask him something and they think they get him. And they're like, well, he can't say no to this. And he'll just be like, no.

I've got a billion dollars. I did Bee Movie. Look, he said, I made a cartoon movie about bees you may have watched as a child. He said, if any of you felt slightly uncomfortable about the sexual undertones in the relationship between Barry the bee and Vanessa the florist who saves his life, I would like to apologize for that now. Seinfeld continued, I may not have calibrated that perfectly, but I would not change it, you know? Hey. What the fuck? Was this nominated for Academy Awards did i was i sleeping in 2007 you know that like okay

why is this an article why is there an article about jerry seineld giving a college commencement speech and picking out the fact that he talked about a movie 15 years ago. Hey, writer, what you doing, dude? What is, bro, what did the editor? The writer's like, I got something. The editor's like, what? All right, so look. I listened to Jerry Seinfeld. Now's now look they're on him because he's got he's got that movie that came out that frost unfrosted or whatever dude it's so funny they'll

make movies of of of just like businesses starting that's how that's how fucking dire that hollywood is like oh yeah fucking oh yeah how blackberry okay oh, yeah, Blackberry. Okay. Oh, dude, they made a movie about how Uber started. Oh, that's passenger pickup. They made a movie about a company that started, that picks people up from the airport. Hey, boring. Oh, but get Joseph Gordon-Levitt in it. Hey, extra boring.

You know what I'm talking about? Dude, unbelievable. Oh, dude, Black dude blackberry oh but what is it oh it's the dude it's not even the phone we're fucking interested in is it even around anymore they made a movie about bbm hey hey dude oh but who's in it the guy in the end of the world movie that nobody knows boring oh by the way who else is oh the other guy in uh always sunny in philadelphia which one the guy that you don't think about boring and i don't know knock on them i'm sure glenn what's his name he's good he's great and he looked good but i don't i don't want. I don't like any movie where they do makeup and put a bald cap on. And they got to put teeth in and shit. Bro, when I get back into Hollywood, I'm playing an Asian.

And I'm playing, depending on what happens, I'm playing a different Asian than I am. And I'm not doing any makeup. And I am being so dope at it. And that's what's going to cause such controversy. But I'm going to be Asian. I'm just going to kind of like feel Asian and people are going to be like, whoa, dude,

he really does though capture that Asian-ness and there's even going to be so few Asian actors that are like, yeah, a little bit, I did and then other Asian actors are going to be like,

you've got to stand up against this. He played an Asian guy. He shouldn't have played an Asian guy. You know, it's cultural appropriation and he's taking these roles

from us and then other people are going to be like, yeah, but he really did do a good job and they're going to be like, yeah, but if you, it doesn't even matter if you think that if you say it out loud uh you know it's gonna be less jobs for all of us so so just lie and say

the thing and it's gonna be like a whole thing dude you know we're gonna react out of fear that's all they do is react out of fear if we're scared of everything but you know i mean it is what it is but i'm just like dude an article about beam an article about an article about b movie dude an article about a fucking cartoon B, dude. That isn't... No! Brother, ew.

I don't know. Maybe I'm talking about this for too long, but that's kind of like what I do is talk too much about something. And that's wild. Never seen B-movie. Love B-movies, though. He says the slightly uncomfortable feeling of awkward humor is okay.

He said it's not something you need to fix. Man, Seinfeld be talking about comedy a lot, huh? I don't like when anyone talks about comedy too much you know look you want to be somebody in a hallway talk to me about comedy all right I'm game you know if it's late at night at Fred 62 and we're both eating a hamburger and you want to just spark a conversation about comedy okay but the second the second you dress nice and put cameras around and start talking about comedy brother no it's just i don't you know it's really funny man the comments and stuff too like it used to bother me like online like people be like this is so not funny this is is so terrible. You're terrible. Where's the joke? And I used to get upset.

I've divorced myself from that so much that it doesn't matter anymore. I don't get upset. Because it's like, dude, there isn't somebody that everybody thinks is funny. It's all subjective. So who cares? It's like a dude being pissed off that a chick doesn't like him

and it's like dude what'd you think they were all gonna like it also you know they don't even like guys

they just like are like around them enough and they're like I know him and then they just like that's how

women kinda they end up having sex you end up having sex with each other because you're just around

but then it's not always the case you know some dudes look real dope or sometimes you just got that stuff about them you know like that thing like pete davidson has you know but i'm just like um what is this what is this oh dude oh bro bro

this guy look I'm not I don't condone violence I don't I'm not mad this guy has to be trolling but I think maybe he's not. Okay?

So let's just watch this video. And it's crazy. Okay? First of all, this is a podcast for someone, I guess. I don't know. Dude, don't have... There needs to be somebody that is like in control of podcasting and just says, hey, hey, dude, enough.

It's 2024. If you don't have a podcast by now, you don't get one. You could argue that if you're too young to have one, then maybe when you grow up, you could have one maybe, but more people have to die with podcasts. Like there's just too many. There's podcasts about podcasts. You know, there's podcasts about podcasts you know there's podcasts about tv shows like there's podcast like that fucking one that they have about the office

and the one that they have about uh scrubs have one about b-movie have one about b-movie And the sexual undertones Here we go I walk in the room the other day And I swear to God I walk in my room And she's sitting there Reading the Bible And she's hot as fuck

Tight waist 105 pounds Disrespect Beautiful face And bro I just shut the Bible Snake That's assault Put the bible down

Dude shutting a woman's bible When she's reading it is assault You go straight to hell You don't go to jail you go straight to hell When you die God goes like this And Satan goes like this Another one Threw her in the bed ripped her clothes off

Started fucking going at it. Dude. Bad guy. You know? But super hot chick. Oh, yeah, okay. Beautiful girl. Very feminine.

Very sweet. You know, but it's almost like she's too vanilla. It's just not exciting. She's a very wholesome, stable girl. Type of girl you want to knock up. Low body count. Third guy she's ever been with. Very wholesome. Not a slut. She's been in the club five times. Type of girl you want to knock up. Low body count. Third guy she's ever been with. Very wholesome.

Not a slut. She's been in the club five times. Three of the times were with me. Right? She's not a hoe. Just stays at home. Studies. Learning to be a doctor.

Kind of bored. Kind of bored, dude. Oh, dude. This shit, man. Kind of bored. Kind of bored, dude. Fuck this shit ever. Close the Bible.

Fuck this shit ever. You know, it's just great. But, you know, kind of bored. Kind of dude fuck the shit ever close the bible fuck the shit ever you know it's just great but you know kind of bored kind of bored like yo dude guys like this are fantastic because they cry so much you know or they don't cry but they get cancer at like 60 and it's so horrible the kind where they're just like, you know? And nobody visits them. And they trick themselves into thinking that it's okay, dude.

This was it though. If they had it like me, they would have lived like me, you know? Had so much pain in his childhood. But so it's just, I don't, I put the Bible down and ripped her clothes off. Hey, a sin.

Hey, two sins. Two sins? Hey, two sins. Dude, committed nine sins. Bro. I know. Who's like devout Christian. I walk in the room that day

and I swear to God, I walk in my room. Dude. Okay. First of all, I walk in my room. He says, why is there a chick

reading the Bible in your room? I have had multiple rooms. And as a matter of fact, I've had multiple bedrooms. I've had multiple rooms, living rooms. I've had houses. Hey, you know what? There's never a chick reading the Bible. All right. Now, if you're religious and you want to read the Bible, go for it. Okay? But if you're some guy like this guy and some – like you don't have a Bible. Did she bring it over? The whole thing is weird. And she's sitting there reading the Bible and she's hot as fuck, tight waist, 105 pounds.

He's acting like this chick was just at his house reading the Bible. And he was like, wait a minute, she's so hot, dude. Beautiful face. And bro, I just shut the Bible. Put the Bible down. Threw her in the bed, ripped her clothes off, started fucking going at it. You know? But super hot chick.

Beautiful girl. Very feminine. Very sweet. You know, but it's almost like she's too vanilla. It's just not exciting. She's a very wholesome, stable girl stable girl type of girl you want to knock up low body count i'm like the third guy she's ever been with here's the thing i don't i don't buy and i don't like and i would never be like this because it's so bitch to be like this okay and and and so many people disagree with me this is a hot take this is what they call hot takes, okay? It's hot take Chris, dude.

Having someone that you love with a low body count because you need them to not have been with many guys, hey, you're a pussy. I don't care. I don't care if a woman has a low body count or a high body count. Also, stop calling it a body count like you're Jason Voorhees. Hey, dude, you just, you know, you sucked a bunch of cocks and put them in your vagina, you know, and don't say body count because you're a Navy SEAL, all right? So like, hey, dude, it doesn't matter if your wife has slept with five guys or it doesn't

matter if your wife has slept with five guys or 80. Who cares? As a matter of fact, you could argue that if your wife has slept with more guys, then she's with you because she likes you and not because she doesn't know about things oh dude he figured it out i don't want dude do i want a woman who's been with one or two men what are you out of your mind do i want a woman with do i want a woman with 40 with 40 dudes under her belt? Yes, dude! Do I want a woman who slept with only three dudes?

What's that, brother? Or do I want a woman who's been experienced, laid down the law with a bunch of dudes, so I know that she's with me because she likes me bro it's it's just it's insane to want to be with a woman with a low body count i get it dude i get it she's not promiscuous i get it she's got a less chance cheating on you but yo bro lock it down be cool as fuck be cool as fuck and even if she cheats on you it's not your fault dude be cool as fuck life is what you make it dude i just you know if it's like

it's interesting to think about but it is crazy to be like you know this guy is just kind of following the footsteps of um andrew tate right but this is a seeking success podcast that's called this is what guys have been on and there's a few of these guys there's a few uh there's this guy with the is this the same one bro imagine you work your ass off for 15 years build an empire then when you sign a piece of paper. I, dude, guys who talk about building an empire, it's like, hey, it's not the year 800. Hey,

it's not the year 1200. Hey, you're in America. There's no empire. Dude, put a helmet on then. Hey, put a helmet with horns on then, dude. Or don't talk to me. Bro, if you're talking about building an empire

and you just have like a chain of shops of like mattresses, dude, hey, dude, put a helmet with horns on, dude. It's crazy. That's some fucking hoe. Hold on. Let's watch it again. Bro, imagine. 15 years, build an empire.

Then when you sign a piece of paper, that's some fucking hoe. You get half your assets. What the fuck? That's retarded. They make prenups too nowadays too nowadays prenups don't help you bro i mean i love that you know what i gotta hand it to this guy i love the absoluteness in his voice doesn't not know about anything that i and i'm not shit talking this dude i there has to be all sorts of people and this is one of them oh trust me oh trust me never been married he's 21 you know i see it every single day where i have

client calls from dudes all over america all over north america all over western society england australia canada i mean how many clients does this guy have what does he do dude mars antarctica i have some Penguin clients. States, wherever. And these guys will have prenups. And their ex-wife will fucking still take half their shit. And the kids. And the house. I mean, just so miserable, this guy. It's just like, you know, I guess

prenups are probably an illusion, but who cares? Maybe not. I don't know. It's just like, you know, I guess pretty much it's probably an illusion, but who cares? You know, maybe not. I don't know. It's just like, what the fuck? What is this? Who's listening to this? Oh, man, I love guys that are listening to this. They're just like, fuck yeah, dude. Oh, wait, let's see more.

More of this guy. This is fantastic. What's up, babe? It's hot as shh in here. I don't swear, but it's so hot. Okay, you can open it up, yeah, if he's upstairs, yeah. Ah, here's another one of this guy. Oh, look at this.

Oh, it's great. Oh, it's great. Okay, wait, hold on. Here's great. This one's great Oh it's great Okay wait hold on Here's great This one's great Smash as many women as possible Take as much experience as possible Yeah

Hook up with as many girls as possible Tear it up I mean you know You know what I mean Have as much fun Hey dude We get it Fuck as many hoes as possible

Tear it up Have sex with as many women as possible You know Insert your penis In a bunch of different vaginas Absolutely Have insert your penis in a bunch of different vaginas, have romantic connections with a bunch of different women, as much as you can, meet women and lay them down horizontally

and slip yourself inside them with as much as you can. Yeah, dude, we get it. Consensual, respectful way? I can't leave that out. The best way possible? Okay. Has no idea what he's going to say. Try to be gonna say honest as you can i'm pretty honest with random bitches i'm pretty honest with random bitches dude so twisted

hasn't talked to his mom in five years um dude i'll be the club i'll tell girls i have three girlfriends dude this guy is hey what's up what's up just fucking nelly on the shit yeah what's up dude awesome yeah i have three bitches anyway what's your name where are you going i'll be the club and i'll tell bitches from the get-go that I- Hey, hey, what's up? I have three girlfriends. What's up? What's your name? I have multiple girlfriends.

Hey, I have multiple girlfriends. What's your name? And it's almost like they respect honesty and they want to fuck me. Like, dude, they might respect the honesty, but they don't want to fuck you. They can see- The other guy, the other guy. Yeah. They can see there's like no

chink in the armor they can see like the they can see I don't give a fuck yeah yeah I mean it makes me like a chase because like I don't

care wow I love it like imagine being at the club period that's it

that's the end of the thought imagine being at the club imagine being at the club. Imagine being at the club. Do you guys go to the club? Do I have listeners here that go to the club?

Hey, get out of the club. You know? Hey, what are you doing? It's too loud. You know, unless you're off your ass, okay, I get it. But if you're not, if you're just kind of drunk at the club, hey, go home. Hey, you're not doing it right. Go home.

Unless you're not – I think if you're the kind of guy that wakes up and you think, where am I? Then you go to the club. But if you're just a guy that's like, let's go to the club, dude. Wow, that's crazy. It's so crazy. I used to go to the club, dude. When I was 22, I had the coolest shirts. I had the coolest fucking shirts, bro.

I'm not talking about shirts that you'd get like on Melrose. Just like short sleeve blue shirts that had like also a mock turtleneck for no reason like crazy cool shirts you feel the fabric and you're like what even is this because it's not good it's cheap you know and you're like is this this is the same fabric that makes straw hats out of you know but it's not straw what is this shit and you go fill up your car first you know you go fill up your car first before the club in that fucking stupid outfit jesus christ who's that guy filling up his car in a in a short sleeve mock turtleneck with gel in his hair where's he going he's going to the palace in pasadena or where the fuck it is i don't know that's probably a club i can't remember i just you know I can't believe how much people talk about.

Dude, it's so weird that, like, have you ever seen a movie, a Superman movie with Henry Cavill? It's boring. Okay? It's tough to make a good superman movie because um superman is fucking boring oh shit oh you said it you said it dude oh shit dude hey dude superman's okay all right we gotta go pack

up let's pack up dude he's he's and i'm not saying he's not noble he's not cool truth justice the american way all right great but dude making superman movies they're boring all right we gotta go we're packing it up dude he got it he said it he got it here let's go home come on guys here we go get it get everything get everything pack it up go we got it get the altoids it's just like come on man and then you get Henry Cavill to play Superman, who's just like a guy you would see at the gym, dude. Which is fine. Dude, handsome, great. And he's not a bad actor.

No, dude, he's not a bad actor. And a lot of people think I'm a dick on my podcast because I'm talking shit. Bro, you don't understand, okay? I'm not a dick. I'm not being a dick about this. Henry Cavill as Superman is a recipe for boringness, okay? Get a cool, get a fucking weird. You know what movie would rip for real?

Willem Dafoe as Superman. I don't give a fuck now too. What is he, 80? Make him Superman now. Just like this. Always like this. Flying and shit. Just for this. Always like this. Flying and shit. Just for real.

Or, or, straight up, you know, I don't know. There's always fucking boring motherfuckers to be. I think about Nick Cage and everyone's like, no way, not Nick Cage. Yes, Nick Cage. Are you kidding me? With the I-beams just like, whoa. With the I-beams just, just oh are you kidding me that would be so dope that would be that would be so fucking good yay i can't stand the boring motherfuckers

who plays superman and then no matter who plays superman and no matter who plays whatever if they do it for a few times there's always the people that they can't keep doing it like it's gonna happen with daniel craig when he stops being james bond the next one nah nah henry cavell superman i don't care period nah like who the fuck look at this henry cavell was and remains the best superman ever another person says henry cavell will always be my superman look at this one sorry no henry cavell is superman not this guy with the padding suit this is on james gunn's new people are asking this is on james gunn's new uh photo of that he posted on instagram of new superman movie and movie. And they're just saying that because they've seen it, you know? Real, real dumbo shit. They've just seen it too much to be able to be like,

that's the guy, though, that plays Superman. Are you going to have a death ring day, dude? Can I have some pizza? Dude, you just saw a guy do it too much. Also, don't type that out and put it in a public forum. Because it's just a movie Superman. And it's boring.

Superman has to be all good and shit. Superman's one of those guys that are like, oh no, I can't stoop to their level. Stoop to their level. Saw all their heads off with your eye beams. Batman doesn't kill people. Batman. Hey, Batman. Kill people.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Choking till he dies. Yeah. I kill people now. Poison. Rubbing it on their lips lightly. Oh my God. What is that? It's poison. You didn't really get it in my mouth. It doesn't matter. Oh, my God.

What is that? It's poison. You didn't really get it in my mouth. It doesn't matter. It's so toxic. What about, are you going to have to wash your hands after this? Yes. Because just in case I can't get it into my hand,

the only thing that's exposed in my armor is my mouth anyway. Oh, fuck yeah dude yeah i want batman to be a fucking menace killer i want superman to be freddy krueger i want freddy krueger to play superman i want freddy krueger the character to play super. I want Freddy Krueger, the character, to play Superman. That's what I want. That's what I want, dude. Then I will watch it. Fuck all these crossovers. People are so into like, oh, crossovers. Oh, they're going to put G.I. Joe with Transformers?

Dude, nah. Hey, make... I'm not into crossover shit, alright? Make... Until someone makes, for real, Freddy Krueger's Superman or somebody makes honestly Jiminy Cricket Batman and he's Batman, the character

and it's a cartoon only the Jiminy Cricket part, Batman part everyone else is regular like you still have fucking Aaron Eckhart in it you still have you know what the fuck am i saying so anyway he posted a thing get ready superman 7-11-25 i love when movies are like

the bigger the movie but you're gonna people are going to die before this movie comes out. They're just like, guess what we're making? What? We're making Superman. Oh, yeah? When's it come out? Oh, dude, June. Really?

That's a month away. 2035. What? Why? How come? Just the way it's slated. Just the way it's slated. Just the way it's slated and then it's a DC movie.

We've got a bunch of other DC movies. This one's coming out. Also going to be a lot of CGI. And we're waiting for the technology to happen to where we could actually not, we don't have to use the actor for everything. So we're going to wait. It's going to come out in 2035.

Oh, it's a big movie. Superman, yeah. We're going to make that one about Gollum. We're going to make the spinoff about Gollum. Yep. Can you wait for that? I can't wait. Well, you're going to have to. It's coming out in 2045. Seriously, that's in 20 years. I know.

I know. But what we're trying to do is actually birth a real Gollum. We're trying to have two really ugly people mate until they make a really small Gollum. And then when that thing turns five, we figure we get about around 2040. When that thing turns five, we're going to start shooting. We're going to start production. So that's what we're going to do for the Holland movie. Oh, really? Yeah, you're going to have to wait. Uh-huh. Hey, did you hear about what they're making?

What? Jesus the movie. What? Yep, they're making it. Oh, I can't wait for that. Well, you're going to have to. It's coming out in the year 3012. What?

Yeah. Isn't that crazy? We're going to find Jesus. We're going to find Jesus. We're going to find, actually, we're going to go back to Garden of Eden. We're going to locate where it is. A lot of people think it's in Israel, but we'll to find Jesus. We're going to find Jesus. We're going to find, actually, we're going to go back to the Garden of Eden. We're going to locate where it is. A lot of people think it's in Israel, but we'll go find it.

And we are going, and we're going to go find it. And what we're going to do is we're going to search all the plants and see if we can find some sort of DNA that Jesus had. And then we're going to recreate Jesus and then we have to wait 33 years

until he grows up. And that's when we're going to start shooting. So we have to wait for that one. Jesus, Jesus, 2012. Who's going to play him? We don't know. They're not allowed yet. Jesus.

Jesus is going to play him. We're going to re- We're going to- Clone Jesus. Yeah. Dude, that music is so dope. The Batman music is so cool. Try to drive to work with it.

Your day will be so dope. You know what I'm talking about? Or the Terminator music. Just going to fucking Western Bagel. Getting your apron on. Fuck yeah, dude. What's up, man? Fucking fuck yeah dude what's up man can I take your order do you want Taylor Ham on that

oh sorry I got the wrong I thought you said everything bagel life is what you make it dude look at this costume Costume looks terrible. It's not even... This isn't even... It's a fucking drawing. Right?

It's a picture? They took this picture? Bullshit. It's Photoshopped to hell, dude. It is? Who's the new actor? David Cornsweat, he says. If his name is David Cornsweat,

I'll saw off my penis. Dude, David Cornsweat. They couldn't give him the role? They couldn't give him the role? Okay, hold on. Superman. They couldn't give him the role if his last name was Corn Sweat

Superman actor David Sullivan um Corn Sweat alright Corn Sweat is doable it is dude if that he wasn't there bro they couldn't cast him

to be like his name is fucking Corn Sweat he looks the part but the fucking corn sweat all right okay we'll we'll cast them but we have to be careful who we cast as the other people in the movie because like we can't cast like anybody with a stupid name after that oh we like this guy he's great what's his name sam dick putty oh fuck well i guess we're gonna have to pick a different zod what's the superman music i forget dude look at how oh yeah oh yeah wait what is it oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

boring dude um honestly um uh the the they couldn't have picked oh oh i'm telling you david corinne sweat corinne sweat i guarantee he's probably good and i'm not talking shit but dude they fucked up picking him because he just looks too much like he would be Superman nah bro get Willem Dafoe fuck yeah for real

hi Lois time for my eye beams and he doesn't even do the lines oh my god bro i wish they would do that like i heard they're making a rated r ninja turtles movie yo i'm in are you kidding me i want to see and i get i guess it's only about like either michelangelo or whatever it is i don't know but i'm like dude i hope he takes those nunchucks and bonks people on the head until they're so bloody. I hope there's one scene where he fucking like

really fucks up a guy and stuff and it's like really, really Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Heroes in a Half Shell Turtle Power

Dude, wow, that's a fucking gay song, huh? Um Anyway Talking about some heroes here What's this? What's this? Heroes in a half shell. Turtle power.

They are the world's most fearsome fighting teenage mutant ninja turtles. Hold on. Here we go. What is this here? Oh. I'm not here. No. No. We've got a whole list. I can't see you. You can't see me. You don't come on that.

I'm not here. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. that here. He's like, I'd like to see the sign that says no hammocks.

Dude. I'm in here. You can't even see me. He goes, you can't see me. Oh my God. I said I won't be stopped. You see that? Oh my God. I won't be stopped, he says.

Dude, imagine if they crash and he just goes straight through the window. At least he was relaxed. I don't think we can. Can you get down so we can get where we're going? He says, just drive the bus. Everyone's got places to go. Bro, how long is he going to be on this bus? I'm going. Please. Dude, bus please i'm staying in the hammock

wow dude it stops at such a funny funny part. He's starting to get out. Bro, you can't bring a hammock, hey, anywhere inside. Okay? Got to be outside. That is just crazy. Well, I don't know. I guess that's good. Have a good time with this podcast. I guess that's good.

Have a good time with this podcast. Today was a good podcast. We didn't even stop, honestly. And I had no notes, dude. Zero. This podcast is run. It's what you see is what you get. A lot of people are out there.

They're like, I got a solo podcast. You don't, dude. You don't. You have guests on it. This is a solo podcast. You don't dude. You don't, you have guests on it. This is a solo podcast. Uh, and I appreciate you. I'll be in Australia.

I'll be in Des Moines. I'll be in Charleston, West Virginia. I'll be in Chattanooga. I'll be in Irvine. Um, a bunch of different places. So come see me in New Zealand. I'll be there.

I'll be there. Uh, thanks a lot guys. Appreciate you. And that's it for the episode. If you want to listen to the rest of the episode, uh, all to listen to is all you got to do is go on patreon patreon.com slash chris d'alia and that's when you'll uh and you'll be able to watch it and you'll also be able to watch all the other extended episodes of every version every uh of every episode of congratulations

and the extra episode a month where i got like 36 40 now yo go go we got 40 up there now so go check them out i got just six bucks you go go go we got 40 up there now so go check them out I got it's just six bucks you go go to patreon.com such chrysalia thank you we also if you do that thanks dude because you keep this podcast going appreciate you see you guys Thank you.