Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 4. Babylon

Episode Date: February 21, 2017

Hey guys, 4th episode. You really did it. This week Chris talks about liking coffee and trying to eat right. Chris discusses adolescence, geeky teenagers, famous teenagers, and daydreaming about exacting sweet revenge on teenage boys who play guitar at high school parties. Other topics include calling into a radio station to request songs (don't do that) and answering some questions from Twitter.  Tweet your questions using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of america express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply hey guys we're back congratulations episode four and this is the first ever fourth episode of congratulations and um here we are we're holding strong our numbers are holding strong and i'm sitting down to record this i got my coffee drinking it i love coffee man i know uh if you really know about me you know i love fucking coffee and i don't know what it is about the fucking coffee that i love so much because it's not like it's the taste i first of all this is my drink i get an iced

americano that's what i do i get that every time i don't fuck around with those bullshit drinks you know no no you know i don't get those vanilla latte shits with the 45 grams of sugar or anything like that. I just basically, actually, I think it's got more than 45 grams. I think it's got, I don't know, I saw this documentary called Sugar Man or something. This guy in Australia is trying to, you know um you know take well not really take down the sugar industry but he did the supersize me thing where he tried to take a bunch of uh sugar for like two months and he gained like a lot of weight and almost got cancer or some shit and his liver shut down it's fucked up what's going on though with that shit but anyway i uh so yeah but but

try to yeah just eat you got to eat like plants and shit i mean you can eat like some sort of meat but you got to eat fucking mainly plants and uh as many plants as you can like you're just some fucking uh you know duck or some shit nah ducks i i knew it wasn't duck, but duck sounded really funny. So I said duck. Um, but yeah, so, uh, I'm trying to like, you know, I drink an Americano, which has got no sugar in it. It's just a black coffee. It's black espresso. It's from the bean or whatever. And it's black, it's black and it's, and it's, um, bitter as shit, but I got used to it. And so this is what I drink for my caffeine.

And I love it because I don't know if I like it or not. You know what I mean? I think the best things in life is shit you can't figure out, right? And I think people agree with that secretly even. I mean, that's what becomes the biggest shit. Like look at Kanye West or Lady Gaga. They're the biggest motherfuckers in the world. It's because we can't figure them out.

We don't even know if, we don't even know if, we don't even know if fucking Lady Gaga, she could be like an alien. And Kanye West too. But I think that, I think that coffee is like, it's not that good. I love the smell of it. I like the experience of going and getting it i love how there's always like one or two crazy motherfuckers at a coffee shop i've never been in a coffee shop where there hasn't been one or two crazy motherfuckers like i'm talking about like 65

year old man that somehow made it to 65 but just having a psychotic break uh and just losing their mind also why are people the fucking, the craziest? People are always just the craziest. Like they never get a little bit crazy. They're always talking about religion and government. I'm already getting so far off track here. I'm just talking about how much I like coffee. And I like it because I don't know if I like it. I've been trying to figure it out for

15 years. I've been going to these coffee shops and drinking it and it's bitter and I drink it and I drink like three-fourths of it. And I don't know if I like it. I like having it. I like being at the coffee shop. I like the chilling part of it. I like the looking at my phone and doing emails while I'm drinking it and then even if i show up to like a radio station for like an interview i love drinking the coffee too i like getting the hot coffee sometimes because they don't always have the ice americano because you're in you know some some bullshit building that you're on like the fourth floor of a fucking fluorescent lighted building and you're doing some radio station in Des Moines.

But I love it because of that. I love it because I don't know if I love it. Does that make sense? I don't know. I don't know if that makes sense or not. But anyway, I'm here. I didn't do the road this week. I was here uh, I was here, uh, in LA. I did some shows in Los Angeles that were very fun. Uh, I did the comedy store and I'm just trying to do,

you know, I shoot my special this weekend. I shoot it on Friday. Uh, I got two shows in Vancouver. They're sold out. Um, and so I'm really excited to do that and get this out. I've been working on this material for like a year and a half, maybe some of it even longer and some of it less, but I got like 65 minutes. I'm just trying to, I'm trying to top load it too. I'm trying to put the good shit in the beginning. Cause I put the good shit at the end last time. And I think that people fucking have attention spans, the size of a fucking beetle. Um, and so I'm doing that,'m doing that and i'm really fucking excited to get that out of the way and just finish it out and have it come out this summer uh so by the way did you see what happened i don't know if you've listened to the last episode of congratulations but i said

if if i said not me because i'm not famous enough but i said if somebody slammed if somebody said something shitty about beyonce uh it would be news and how ridiculous that was and then literally the next day carlos santana who is like the best guitar player in the world or some shit said that beyonce isn't a singer and that adele is a singer and beyonce is more of a show you know person and it was news it was like all over the fucking Twitter and shit. That's that. And everyone was like, oh, Carlos Santana is a motherfucker for saying it. It happened. I don't mean to fucking to be a prophet with this fucking Grammy shit, but it happened.

How fucking geeky are teenagers, by the way? In all honesty, how geeky are teenagers? That's a fucking, that's like the cruelest joke that fucking, if you believe in God, that's the cruelest joke that God played. cruelest joke that fucking if you believe in god that's the cruelest joke that god played that you're like a you know a 12 year old and you're you're you're you're getting some confidence because you're finally figuring out you know you figured out how to walk you figured out how to talk you figured out how to assimilate with friends and then you know maybe you start getting crushes on some girls or if you're a girl you get a crush on a guy and then all of a sudden you grow

girl if you're a girl you get a crush on a guy and then all of a sudden you grow a foot and a half you get pimples all over your fucking face and you look awful you look awful dude you ever seen a fucking teenager i know you have but have you ever looked at someone who's like 15 like really looked at somebody with like shorts on knobby as shit knees you know nothing fits for some reason if you're the same height as a teenager it fits if you're an adult but if you're a teenager this shit doesn't fit you get shorts and they're like so far above your knees or so below your knees you look like you fucking put the shorts on before you shrunk or or or or grew and then you fucking you got like a polo shirt on if you're a guy or even if you're a girl even better you got like a green polo shirt on and cargo pants and you got like a high ponytail

with like fucking if you're a girl and but you still got like hair coming down over your ears and your nose is all big and shit and you laugh like and you look fucking gross dude and your teeth are gross and your gums are all big for some reason the fuck is wrong with teenagers god i'm so glad I'm out of that shit. I think about it sometimes. I'm 36 and I think about it. I think, God, thank God I'm not a teenager.

Boners all the time if you're a dude. For no reason. You're just sitting in the back of a car and all of a sudden, fucking a boner comes up. Like it's a groundhog trying to see its shadow. God, dude. comes up like it's a groundhog trying to see its shadow god dude you're in the back of a fucking bus and all of a sudden you just got some squirty boner so gross dude so fucking gross i don't know how it works for girls as a teenager but you're just some fucking.

And you haven't even had sex yet. But you're like. And you got this big ass boner. And you're trying to. You're trying to fucking. You're like. Do I put it somewhere? Should I put it somewhere?

Ew. Gross. Gross. So fucking gross. And you're pimply face. With boners and shit. With cargo shorts on. And a fucking green polo shirt. You're the grossest kind of fucking person.

Congratulations, you're 15. We were all that way, though. Unless we died before then, which would be fucking so sad. Uh, you know. I'm not going to edit that part out, even though it's a a downer i see these fucking teenagers sometimes just like clomping around with their big ass shoes trying to figure out their style you know like who are they with like maybe they have a necklace out outside of their fucking shirts like they're uh scott wolf in uh party of five Scott Wolf in Party of Five. Like Frosted Tips or some shit.

Yeah. And you're trying to figure out life, right? You're trying to figure out life. Like you go to parties. You got nothing going on. You just go to party. You got nothing going on. You're in high school.

You got nothing going on. You got to do your homework. By the way, I still fucking swear to God god i'm 36 and i still am so happy that i don't that i don't think about that i think oh i'm so glad i don't have homework for tomorrow i legitimately still feel that way i am so happy i'm not a fucking teenager and i'm so happy that i don't have to go to parties and like fucking remember that feeling that you'd have remember that feeling you'd have of showing up at somebody's house from like another school like oh yeah saint francis is having a party and you're like ah i don't know about those saint francis people but i guess i'll try to go and you go and you show up in your buddy's ford explorer

and you got your fucking cargo shorts on and you get out and then the people are like hey the people from the other school are here and then the oh god i don't know what they'd be playing now migos back when i was playing they played when I would go to school, they played the whitest shit ever. They played Dave Matthews. Oh. Or what's that one song I always think about when I think about the past? David, not David Gray. Babylon, what's that fucking? Libby on Hell.

Libby on Hell. Hey, Babylon. Whatever the fuck that song was remember that song that was the most high school song of all time you could listen to that song you could be 60 and you could hear that song and you'd be like oh i gotta get to math class that's the most high school is fuck song i've ever heard in my life and then you go to the party and it and it's like i i didn't drink but like people were drunk as shit and they were 15 and a half. And then it got late night. Here was the least favorite part of the party for me. You're fucking 15 or 16 and you're at a party and some fucking asshole.

The music's off and now there's like, you know, 25 people there and some asshole finds a guitar and then plays a guitar for everybody. Hey dude, you deserve to not eat for three days. If you do that, if everyone's having a good time and fucking laughing and talking and having conversations and then some asshole finds the goddamn guitar and starts playing, you know what he starts playing to? He doesn't start playing Babylon or Dave Matthews or shit. That's a book.

You know what he fucking starts playing? He starts playing some fucking, he finds the chords where he starts playing and he starts rapping over it is what he does. He starts singing a Snoop Dogg song. He starts singing that fucking one, two, three into the four and, and he's fucking playing the fucking chords and he's got the green polo shirt on with the cargo pants and flip flops. Dude, I will murder you. Dude, you deserve to not eat for three days. That's what you deserve. That's what you fucking deserve. If you, you lunatic narcissist, everyone's having a good time, but Hey dude, let me fucking play the same four chords over and over again and fucking sing a J-O felony song.

Dude, I'll murder you. You deserve to not eat for three days. You deserve to look at people eating for three days but not get to eat that same food that they're eating. Dude, we got to stop this, man. food that they're eating. Dude, we got to stop this, man. If you're playing guitar at a party and you're not, you know, Dave Matthews, quit it. If you're playing a guitar at a party and you're not the guy from Matchbox 20?

Bye. Bye. You playing the guitar at a party and you aren't the fucking I can't even think of a guy. I can't even think of another guitar player that's like would be funny. What a fucking loser I am. I don't even think of a guy I can't even think of another guitar player that's like would be funny what a fucking loser I am I don't know

shit all I know is the chain smokers like I'm trying to be current but I'm like I want to say like the fucking I don't know dude just don't do that have some fucking humility with your puka shell necklace on.

I'll rip it off. I want to go back to 15 and a half so I can kick all those motherfuckers asses. I want to study hard. I want to go, I want to go to Asia and like learn the finest martial arts. Like I'm not even talking about like grappling. I'm not even talking about that shit. I want to go to Asia and I want to fucking wear all Brown, like a burlap sack. That's all I want to wear and have a fucking teacher. That's like 175. That's so powerful with his mind. And I want to learn all the finest age. I would like, I want him to start me out. I want him to start me out like kicking a leaf or blowing a fucking, blowing some sugar across the table. And I'll be like, what does this have to do with anything? And he'd be like, this is how you learn the inside that you mind. And I'm like, I don't get it. And for fucking

three years, I want to blow some sugar or salt across the table. And then I want to, and then I want to fucking wear only burlap, brown burlap shit that looks like kanye west would have designed it if he was alive in the year 1200 and i want to study that shit and then in fucking three years later i want him to finally throw i want that 178 year because now that's how old he is because you add three because it's three years later i want that 178 year old guy to finally show me what it's like to fucking you know block not even punch just block block a fucking and he's just gonna like block a nerf gun whatever the equivalent of that is in because i can't i'm not even ready to do punches and then fucking five years later i want to throw my first punch and he's almost dead and he's 180 fucking whatever and then just study

the fine and eat i want him to show me what to eat too and breathe and just fucking learn that shit and then 30 years when i'm you know 70 i want to transport back to being 15 and a half years old and i want to go back to glendale california or wherever the fuck that's pretty armenian but like the whitest place ever like somewhere in the middle of the country and i want to enroll in school and i want to go get invited to a party and i want i want somebody to be playing the fucking guitar i want to go get invited to a party, and I want somebody to be playing the fucking guitar. I want it to get really late at night to where wherever the fucking new music is stops, and people are just assimilating and just kind of hanging out talking about it. People are having a real good time. It's the end of the night where everybody is like, man, this party really,

we did it. This was a great fucking party, and then I want some white motherfucker to pick up the guitar and start playing the fucking hip hop song hits of today and singing them. And right when he gets that first fucking, whatever the version is, you know, of the Snoop Dogg song is one, two, three, and to the four, I want to fucking drag him out. I just want to light him up with fists of fury where people are like, holy shit. How the fuck did that guy my name would be paul or you know because i have to go undercover look how paul lit that motherfucker up and as i'm kicking the shit out of that dude break just bash i don't even i bat bashing the guitar i want to break the guitar and then bash the fuck out of him and just almost choke him with his puka shell necklaces and just slapping him on the head with his

fucking flip-flops. I want to understand in that moment why that fucking 175-year-old man had me blow that salt or that sugar across that. Because the breath was important in kicking a motherfucker's ass. You know, that's what I wanted. That's how much I don't like that. And then I want to be like, you're not going to eat for three days. Does it even make sense what I'm saying? I don't know i mean you know this is just what i feel and also like but it's just just what i feel man and also

and also i love coffee i feel like i gotta it out, because I get into these tangents, and these fucking things, where like I'm start talking, and then I start talking about what I'm really passionate about, and what I'm really passionate about, is what the fuck is, you know, I guess, upsets me, but I don't want to be that guy, I don't want to be a fucking 80 year old guy, who's like, fuck this, fuck that, So I actually been trying to think about things that make me happy too. Right? Like teenagers are geeky and shit. And I don't like when people play guitar, but I love coffee. Right? I love coffee. So that balances it out. That's what I try to do. I love standup. I do the standup and I love coffee. So that balances it out. That's what I try to do.

I love stand-up. I do the stand-up and I love doing it. Right? I don't know, though. Guitar at a party, though, man, you know? The balls. The fucking balls. To have gel in your hair and play guitar at a party?

The fucking balls. I was online, man, and... Speaking of singing at a party and being a teenager, dude, there's legitimately seven... There's legitimately... Well, I guess they're 14 or 13 or maybe 12 or i think some of these motherfuckers are 11 dude and they're like they make albums like but it's different than like the jackson five used to do it it's not like michael jackson just like

dancing around in his in his like shiny i guess it would be like almost like a look like a he belongs in the wwf but like they'll have these like rosy-cheeked 11 year olds singing to the they start on i think they start on social media i think they start on like twitter and instagram and and and they'll post songs of them singing but But they'll be like... But they're like heartthrobs to like... I don't know. Who are they heartthrobs to? Other 11-year-olds? Or like...

Usually, it's like you get the younger crowd. Usually. Unless you're like an adult. But like if you're 18 and you're a fucking smash hit, whether you're a singer or a model or an actor, you make like 12-year-olds like swoon, right? Like that's the fucking thing. Like these guys that are on like show, like the Vampire Diaries.

Like they're all like 30-something. But I think the people who watch it are in their 20s. These 11-year-old and 12-year-old like pop stars and their sensations, dude. I was on one of these guys' Instagrams and he was like, thanks, Germany. And he was holding up his guitar, who's, by the way, bigger than he is. The guitar is bigger than this guy because he hasn't gone through a puberty, dude. This guy's an embryo holding a guitar like, thanks, Germany. The crowds are four times the size as mine.

Sad. I'm 36 and I'm like a fucking homeless guy compared to this 11 year old killing it. They're like the new Justin Bieber's man. There's a bunch of them, dude. There's a bunch of them. And they're like heartthrobs with braces on. Who are they? Who are they? Who? What are they? The eight-year-old? Dude, imagine a fucking six-year-old. Imagine a six-year-old thinking an 11-year-old is a heartthrob. Just being like, I i gotta get that album i gotta get that album like a six-year-old like ma will you can i get the album to a fucking 11 year old singing

oh man dude that's so funny That's so fucking funny. These guys have like five million Instagram followers. And they're making money, dude. Well, their moms and dads are making money. And then they're probably like... And then they post shit, like inspirational shit. Like, love you, cuties. Yo, you're 11? Eh and you're a cutie you can't say someone's a cutie if you're 11 you're the cutie what the fuck bro oh that's God, that's funny.

Music is crazy, dude. I'm going to look up some of these guys. I don't know. Yeah, here we go. I'm on this website i'm on billboard 21 under 21 music's hottest young stars look at the picture of them wow the picture of them the picture that they use there's like five of them or six of them i

guess five of them and they all look like the picture of the person you post when like after they die you know what i mean like when they're like oh like like on those forensic file shows when they're like when they're like they show the picture of the person that the episode's about this is the picture they use for the fucking i don't know why they didn't use more professional pictures but they got these 21 under 21 this must be old because bieber's in it and i think he's 22 now i don't know but look at these oh they have rappers on here too i don't think i guess damn i didn't realize martin garricks was so young this guy looks like a fucking whoa this guy looks like a fucking...

Whoa. This guy looks like he just eats candy all day long. Fifth Harmony. Some of these names are like jokes. Fifth Harmony. And there's five of them. Oh, cute. There's a guy named Austin Mahone or Mahoney. Wow. I mean, why are their names all like that too?

Austin Mahoney, Troy Sivan, and Troy is spelled T-R-O-Y-E. Oh my God. Cody Simpson. There's another one. That's a big a big one right i think he's real big i think he wears really fucked up hats um and i saw him at uh i saw a picture of him on uh at uh coachella one time and i was like oh all right well i'm a different person um scotty mccary, 21 under 21. This guy looks like he's like, this guy, look, I'm out of it. I don't know. And he says he's 20.

This guy legitimately looks like he's 35 and he's tricking everybody. This guy looks like the fucking guys that like, it was a dare of his friends. I bet, you know, I bet I could fucking pass for a pop star. I'm gonna learn how to sing. I'm gonna fucking learn how to sing. I'm going to fucking learn how to sing, and I'm going to be a fucking...

Oh, he was on season 10 of American Idol. I'm surprised that shit still makes people... Here's one. Here's one. Oh. Oh, these people. Ak Dong Musician. That's what they're called?

21 under 21. I think they're Asian. They look Asian. Oh, boy. The way this guy's dressed oh my god wow you ever feel like some people the way they dress it's not like they're like like they're not trying to like be handsome it's like they know how they look and so they're like well this is what i. It's like they know how they look. And so they're like, well, this is what I got. This is the best I got.

So I'm going to just kind of try and disguise my ugliness. You ever feel like that? You know that that's how they do. Like people that would like look wise, they were dressed or they like they were, you know, given the raw end of the deal. So like they get tweed pants and fucking big, big circular sunglasses and shave side of their head and they're like all right this is what i gotta do i'll just be different i mean nobody like brad pitt ever really did that you know they were just like i'll just use my regular hair and wear what what they give me.

That's so funny, dude. Yeah, I guess that's what you got to do, though. I would do it, too. I'm not saying I'm fucking good looking. I'm just a regular guy, though. Like, I'm just like, I'm not into all that shit. I don't think. Like, I go a little bit with the fashion. Like, I'm into the fucking longer shirts.

But you're not going to hand me one of those fucking glasses that flip up. You know? Or the sunglasses that you can flip down and flip up. Yeah. Incredible. Akdong musician or something. I don't know. Heart drops, man.

They come in all ages. i want to be the i want to be the fucking um i want to be i don't want to be a heartthrob until i'm fucking 75 and i want i want like 62 year olds to be screaming at my when i get out of a fucking black car you know that would be awesome, I don't even know what I would be famous for, I guess, I mean, I would try, I would still do stand-up, but I want to be famous, I want to be like a famous chef, that makes like a dish that's just out of this world, that 62-year-old women, who are married, just can't get enough of, and they're like, oh, Chris D'Elia, did you see Chris D'Elia, and I cut out of the black car're like, oh, Crystalia, did you see Crystalia? And I cut out of the black car like,

all right, no pictures for me. Or maybe I'm like good with it. I'm like, sure, I'll sign it. I'll sign it. Just shitting myself. So old, like 82. Sure, I'll sign it. And they don't even care.

Yeah, he signed my calendar and he pissed his pants. Sorry, honey. I'm almost dead. Hope you like my dishes. I think this is really going off the rails here. This is what happens for episode four. I don't have any guests.

What the fuck do you want? I hope you're in your cubicle fucking enjoying this. But yeah, so... I got dates coming up. Milwaukee, Madison. It's still cold as shit there, I think. So I'm going to be hitting that. I don't know.

Is that technically the Midwest? I think it is. And I got West Palm Beach. I go to West Palm Beach. I go to Tempe. I'm going to Tempe in May, which is hotter than fucking not Mars. That's a cold one, I think. Pretend Mars is hot so the analogy works.

Yeah. So I'm going to Tempe. I'm going to West Palm Beach. And West Palm Beach is that town, dude. It's like the Truman Show. It's like where they shot the Truman Show. Everybody's so nice and it's like perfect looking and it's like everything is a set you go to starbucks and it looks like they're shooting there so i gotta go there i don't know so i'm going lots of different

fucking places so look at my website crystalia.com and uh check it out i feel like this fucking i i literally feel like podcasts are cool man i feel like i'm a like i'm a disc jockey like i'm just like i check out the website on crystalia.a.com. You've got a lot of interesting dates coming up. Go to Virginia Beach. Go into Milwaukee. Go into Westpaw Beach. Tell me a little bit about Westpaw Beach. Tell me about how you feel about Westpaw Beach, Chris. Well, yeah, no, I feel

like it's the Truman Show. Ha ha. Isn't that right? It's just amazing. We're going to stop this for a break. We're going to get into some songs. We'll come back to you. We will come back to you. We're going to stop this for a break. We're going to get into some songs. We'll come back to you. We will come back to you. We'll be listening to ask you a little bit more about the Bieber roast is what we're going to talk about.

Even though it's going to be boring as shit and even though everyone has asked you about that already, we're going to ask you about the Bieber roast. We're going to see how you feel about talking to Ludacris. And we heard there was a little bit of a scuffle. So we'll be right back after this. We're going to play some David Gray. Leave me all alone. Leave me all alone.

Leave me all alone. Babylon. Hey, what's up? We're back. Hey, Chris. So tell us a little bit about the Bieber roast. Tell us a little bit about Bieber roast. Tell us how it was.

Talk a little bit about Ludacris. Ludacris. I heard maybe there was a little bit of a scuffle at the end of the thing. Maybe you guys had a little bit of a talk. A little bit. He wasn't. He was a little bit of a talk a little bit uh he wasn't it was a little bit uh upset with your jokes uh something you said about uh something you said about yeah i don't know um i mean you know i um i basically he thought i said something

that i didn't say and he was upset and another guy said one of those god is that interesting? Isn't that interesting? People in life sometimes often say something and attribute it to something else. Anyway, we're going to come back in a little bit. We're going to go ahead and play a little bit of a song here. And we're going to come back. We're going to ask you about what happened to that show Whitney. We're going to ask you what happened to that show Whitney. Everybody, stay tuned for some Dave Matthews. We'll be right back.

Everybody, we're back with Chris. Chris, what happened to that show Whitney? Well, you know, it just got canceled because not a lot of people kept watching it. So that's just pretty much what happens, you know, is the show gets canceled. And that's pretty much it. All right. That's pretty much obvious. I don't know why I asked that goddamn question.

But sometimes, you know, sometimes we're up here and we don't know what to say, so we'll just ask you a question that, uh, we'll ask you a question that even though everybody knows the goddamn answer to, uh, it's palpable. It's palpable for our audience. So when I say something like, what happened to that show Whitney, even though I know goddamn well what happens to shows when they get canceled,

is that, is that people don't watch them, and then shows get canceled, because that's literally the only way. Unless a lead character dies, but they didn't die now, did they? Did Whitney die? No, she didn't. No. Did you die? No, she didn't.

Did one of the neighbors of the show die? No, they didn't. The show just got canceled because, well, because, obviously, nobody was watching it. So, anyway, we're going to go to a song uh and we'll come back to ask you about something we got some fun questions we're gonna play a little game with you we're gonna play a little game with you it's gonna be really fun for all of our listeners uh we'll be back after we're gonna be playing again we're gonna get into a little little stevie wonder The little Stevie Wonder. That's how all interviews go, by the way.

And you're just trying to fucking... We're going to take a request. How about that there's people... I'm not doing the interview. This is me back to me being me and not being the interviewer of me right now to you guys. How about, I think legitimately, if the moment you decide for the first time, whether you're in traffic or you're at your office or you're at home or whatever the fuck

you're dealing with your kids, the moment you decide, I'm gonna call into a radio station and request a song. That's the beginning of the end. I think that you have started to suffer a psychotic break. To nowadays, in the year 2007, to be like, you know what? I really want to listen to some Neo right now. And call up Hot 107 or whatever the fuck radio station you are. Hi, this is Hot 107.

I'm Rick Rickerson. Johnny and the Bash. Call in with your request. We got Steven on line one. Is that right? Steven, what do you want to listen to? Hey, man, I really want to listen to some Neo. If you got anything Neo, really. I know he's really popular in Europe, but I'm a huge Neo fan.

We got you coming up. Stay tuned and listen to it. Stay tuned and listen up. We might play it in the next 45 minutes. And then to sit there. By the way siri fucking i don't know why siri is literally i was doing that and it showed up they they literally was like went to a link for in itunes to watch the fan with robert de niro and wesley snipes i swear to god I have no idea um but yeah

to oh because I said I'm a big uh neo fan I don't know I don't know Stephen neo fan you may sound like Siri fan but yeah like you you literally so you listen to the radio first of all you're listening to the radio which is which is fine but that's a dying thing anyway right like most people are listening to well I don't know about most people but a lot of people're listening to the radio, which is fine. But that's a dying thing anyway, right? Like most people are listening to, well, I don't know about most people, but a lot of people are listening to podcasts and shit or catching up on The Walking Dead from their Netflix or their on-demand or recorded it.

But now, so you're listening to the radio, which is already a dying form, I think. And then you think, I gotta, you know know what i really want to hear some neo and so you call up fucking johnny in the bash you wait you wait 20 minutes for fucking a guy to be like hey we're gonna get you we don't hear neo and say okay cool we're gonna patch in and then you gotta wait again for another hour three minutes and then the guy comes on hey what hey what's up no it's steven from fucking arlington and then you say yeah i'm i want to hey man first of all i love the way you do it uh i'm gonna listen to some neo and i we got it for you coming up and then you sit there and you

wait for neo and you're at your cubicle or you're dealing with the kids or you're in traffic and you're just waiting for your song to come on. Imagine being in traffic waiting for your Neo song to come on. just imagine waiting in your traffic. Imagine sitting in traffic, waiting for a Neo song. That's the beginning of your psychotic break. That's your psychotic break. That's your small little, you know, precursor to the huge earthquake in your mind, which is, by the way, sounds for sure like a David Gray song. Small little earthquake,

small little precursor to the earthquake in your mind. Leave me out of it. Is it David Gray? I don't even know. I gotta look it up. David Gray, I think it is. Whatever happened to him? I like that song, Babylon. Gray. David Grett, I wrote.

David Gray. Babylon. here we go yep i wonder he's probably still killing it he's probably making so much money even still he's probably one of those guys that has those fan bases it's like oh he's got a best of album done retire if you have a best of album retire you did it go buy a fucking leopard yep how old is he how old is is 48 years old buy a leopard retire you're, you got about 30 years left if you're lucky. Damien Rice, another guy, retire. Dude, yeah. But by the way, if you want to listen to Neo, instead of calling up the radio station and waiting an hour for the Neo song to play, pick up that phone you were going to use to call the radio station and YouTube a fucking Neo song.

YouTube it. YouTube a Neo song. Congratulations. You can do that. YouTube a Neo song. You can YouTube a Neos song. Congratulations. You can do that. YouTube a Neos song. You can YouTube a Neos song. Even if you don't have Apple Music. You're calling in a radio station. You got a phone. Use the phone to YouTube a Neos song. That's so weird, man.

Who YouTube songs? People YouTube songs. i want to be a guy that youtube songs i also want to be a guy who leaves youtube comments imagine leaving a youtube comment and being like hey man don't i dude what's with the fucking part where he comes out of the car and then and then imagine commenting to to the guy who comments to that comment. Bro, he mentions it in the last vid, in the last song, so he just did it. This one. Just so you know, guy from Australia, and I'm in Winnipeg. Oh, thanks, guy.

Thumbs up. Dude, what the fuck, man? thumbs up. Dude, what the fuck, man? Calling into a radio station to hear a fucking Damien Rice song? Abai! Abai! Holy shit.

I don't understand it. It's so fucking... Your time management, dude. Do another thing instead of that. Oh, man. I love it, though. I love it. I love that shit.

I love people that do that. Even though I fucking... Even though the guy at the guitar at the party I don't like. That guy sincerely deserves to not eat for three days. But if you fucking call in to hear a Ne-Yo song on a fucking drive home, oh, you're wonderful, bro. And I don't use that word wonderful. You're wonderful, man.

Stand in a field and run your hand through the fucking weeds. You're wonderful. I hope you get a nice pretty girl with a dress on. You know, that's wonderful, man. Yeah. So I don't know, man. I covered a lot of shit today. It's been 42 minutes. You know, I don't want to keep these podcasts long. I look at other podcasts, man. They're like an hour and a half. Joe Rogan does three hours plus. I'm just not that smart.

I run out of steam and my back starts to fucking hurt. I'm trying to eat healthy, though, after I saw that documentary. I'm trying to fucking work out, keep fit, and be healthy. And I ate tuna today, and I i'm gonna try and eat as many fucking vegetables as i can i'm gonna eat so many vegetables i'm gonna shit out a whole carrot in the toilet and i'm gonna i can't even where i can't even flush it because it's legitimately a carrot and i'd be like oh i just gotta i guess i just gotta grab that out of there and even the green part on the top is going to be on it even though i didn't eat that part

i'm going to eat so many vegetables the top is going to be on it, even though I didn't eat that part. I'm going to eat so many vegetables today, it's going to be ridiculous. And you think I'm going to juice them? No, because that's not how nature intended us to eat them. Dude, they made a fucking celery stick, so I'm going to eat that fucking celery stick. How dare I try to juice it and only get the good shit out? The tasty shit? Nah. Bro, give me it all.

I'm going to pull it out of the ground and eat that. And eat the Bro, give me it all. I'm going to pull it out of the ground and eat that. And eat the dirt. Give me some rocks. I hope there's rocks in there too. I'll eat them. So yeah. So I'm trying to not do the sugar thing, bro. You'll get cancer.

Yo, you listening to this? Don't eat it. Put it down. Some of you people are about to put that shit in your mouth right now some fries or whatever the fuck with the chipotle sauce put it down so yeah i don't know man but um check my website for dates got them all coming up let me look up what i got coming up here, actually. And send me some questions.

Oh, you know what? I could actually, there were some good questions this week. I could actually talk about them. There were some good ones, I thought. Yesterday, this is Johnny H hatchback on twitter yesterday i saw an adult woman call her adult boyfriend pookie bear on facebook can you discuss pet names here's the thing about pest pet names whoops there goes the phone listen okay here's the thing about pet names they're fine if you're in the relationship right if you call someone a pookie bear,

it's cute to hear your... To me, it's like a girl... If you have a girlfriend and she's wearing a fucking fedora, it's cute because she's your girlfriend in the fedora. But if you see a girl wearing a fedora, boner removal. If you see a random girl and she's hot wearing a fedora, boner removal. Just so you know.

Does it have a feather in the hat? Extreme boner inversion. Right? But if your girl has a fedora on with a feather in the hat, it's cute. And you're going to talk like a 1920s gangster. You're going to be like, ah, come over here, dame. I love those gams. Boner-inducing.

Not your girl. Boner removal, right? So if you're calling someone a pookie bear, and you're out in public, and I got to hear that shit, time to set up the firing squad, but yeah, no, I just, you know, I think it's cute to do it, I think it's cute to do it, but to have to hear it in a, in a, in a, in a, in a Chipotle, or having to hear it in like a cheesecake factory, no, dude, that's just out of, I go to lunch, dude, no dude that's just out i go to lunch dude my hands are tied now um what's here's another one qdizzle12 what's the weirdest gift a fan has ever given you tried to give you um i had a guy come up to me once no i had a driver of the guy come up to me once and offer me his

girlfriend the driver came up and said hey uh i'm driving this couple right now and the man here would like to let you have his girlfriend if you'd like and i was like oh hey hey man no that's so fucking weird i said nah that's so weird man i was like i can't do that because that's so weird and also no i just didn't want to be in like any situation like that man also why the driver why was the drive he was like this guy hired me to drive him and yeah but i've gotten weird shit i've gotten you know so many paintings people come up to me after shows give me charcoal drawings of my face which is like sweet they do it but why the fuck would i want a charcoal drawing of my face i'm gonna hang up if i hung up all those in my house my house would be fucking littered with charcoal drawings of my face

and watercolors of me on stage i feel like donald trump would hang all those up of him though i think the white house is going to be full of them um yeah so yeah i i don't know i get weird shit though i have people that give me things also that are like here you go and and i don't know what they are and then i'm like well maybe i mentioned this once on like a on stage in a show in like albuquerque or something i don't know but uh yeah so so those are the two questions that i answered today but send me some more use hashtag congratulations pod or tweet me but you got to use the congratulations but those are the ones i check um and then sign up or i sign up i sound like a fucking old man subscribe to the please subscribe to the podcast and then um rate and review it that helps a lot too and it also makes me want to do the podcast

more because this is only number four and i'm happy still but who knows what the fuck will happen in the next few weeks so do that and fucking tell people about this shit like your friends make them fucking sign up please or otherwise you know i'm gonna lose some steam uh and then uh you know i don't know send me nice messages i guess i don't really care about that last one. But yeah, this is congratulations to the podcast. And oh, go to my website, chrystalia.com. See all the dates coming up. I got a bunch of dates I'm being added. And then my next episode coming up, I'll be talking about my experience in Seattle and Vancouver shooting my special.

That's coming out in this summer, this summer. And then that's about it. Thanks so much for listening. And remember, what did we learn? Don't play guitar at a party. If you're a geeky teenager, definitely don't do it. And, you know, have some coffee. Wonder about life's mysteries. And also, what was the other thing I talked about? The main thing. Don't fucking download a, don't call into a radio station and request a song. Don't do that, actually.

Because I would love to see the radio stations turn on their ass and just be like, oh, we never get requests anymore. That'll never work. I'm not that big. But to suggest that and have that work. But anyway, thanks. This is Congratulations, the podcast with Chris D'Elia. I'm your host.

And that's that. Thanks, guys. Congratulations.