Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 405. Three Dots

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

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Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. Alabama and Mobile, right? Is that how you say it? Mobile, Alabama. There we go. And Toronto, Ontario, November 9th, Bismarck, Sioux Falls, and, uh, Brea, California. I've got dates in there. Go to crystallia.com to get all them tickets. Uh, and it is now time for the, uh, 400th episode of congratulations. I feel like, uh, honestly, maybe Mark Zuckerberg is going to like in the, his fashion just keeps getting really way, way, way up.

Like just every time I see him, he just looks way, way doper. And, you know, it'll probably be honestly a few years until he just starts dressing like Neo from the matrix. Now that would be so fresh. And I will tell you what, if he did that, if he kept it, because look, let's face it, what is he 40? I don't even know. Is he older than me or is he younger than me?

He's probably around 40, right? He doesn't really age, he looks great. But here's the deal. He is finally getting shirts that look hip, right? He looked just like a guy, you know? Now obviously people make fun, they talk like he talks like a robot and this and that and he puts all that white face on him

when he starts to do surfing or whatever it is. And I guess just cause you pick stuff up, you pick up hobbies doesn't mean you have a personality and doesn't mean you're dynamic. But I will say, uh, dressing like this, boy, oh boy, if he would just amp it up a little more and in a few years, start dressing like, I mean, honestly, he could get to, see, that's the thing I used to talk about when I would get like the more famous you get, the more crazy you got to dress.

He needs to start dressing like Mr. T eventually. And I would be on Facebook for life. I mean, I'm not, I'm not even on Facebook. I'm on Facebook. I'm gonna have a fan page on Facebook that, uh, I have, but, uh, anyway, whatever. Meta, right? Not Facebook.

It's meta. Uh, I guess I didn't even, I don't know though, you know? They have those AR glasses that are like gonna change. I think Meta is probably just such a, it's not going away, huh? They just keep making stuff. You know, Facebook, the website got corny and they were like, well, but we're AI now and we changed our name and meta

and now we're glasses and you can basically just have these glasses on. And why is this legal? You can just have glasses on and be recording people and also looking at other things while walking down the street, that straight up should be illegal. It's annoying that people walk with their phones on the sidewalk and now people are just gonna have these AR glasses while driving?

Just while driving, watching the UFC. It has to do a speed thing like, uh, Oh, are you driving now? You can't be watching stuff when you're driving. That's going to be awesome on the plane though. Huh? That'd be great on the plane. I got a headphones or what do you call them? Air pods.

What do you call the ones that you stick in your ear? Air, air pods. Yeah. Um, I never know. And I got my budget on AirPods is about 6K a year. It's just, dude, first of all, they're all, the packaging is absolutely horrendous, okay? It's slippery and also rounded.

Hey, it's basically a fucking roly-ball right and so here's the other thing sweats oh what's with the pockets like this they're in cahoots clothing company and air pods air your fucking phones, whatever you call them, they're in cahoots. The AirPods are like, look, we really love the sideways slit design. Every time someone sits down, they're out $150 if they get AirPods, right? Because they're gonna fall out.

And don't you dare even mention zippers. No, no, no, no, no, no, sweatpants. Sweatpants, we like them slitty and We'll keep our shit round this way. We'll we'll give you a kickback. You're telling me that air pods aren't given Champion and and you know what I mean You target whoever's selling these sweatpants, but they're not giving them kickbacks Dude, I bought Sony, because I'm pissed. I get, dude, they're too small and I, they're impossible not to lose. And I've had so many different, I've been giving

them, I've been, I've gotten them as gifts. I've gotten them, I've paid for them at the airport. I'm like, all right, I gotta do it. I gotta have it. Bought some Sony ones, which were great. I finally, they also, they always fall out of my ear. The AirPod ones. This is my impression of an AirPod going in my ear after six minutes. Ah, no.

And they just fall out and you gotta be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then they slip and fall and you don't know where they go and and And so I got the Sony ones and they finally fit in there. I literally opened up the package I opened up the package I I put them in my ear God on my plane

I put them in my ear, got on my plane, didn't have the case anymore. Just, it's gone. And here's the thing. I don't know. I don't know what happened to it, dude. Like I'm like, but what actually did it fall out of my, I had sweats, dude. They're in cahoots with the fucking AirPods. And I got the hundred dollar something, hundred something dollar one,

so I'm just like, I guess I gotta get, so now you know what I did? I just, I rode them out. It was like 50% when I put them in my ear and I just watched a few episodes of Dahmer on Netflix because I heard it was good and it just died by the time the plane landed. I'm like, there we go.

Charge it to the game. That's fucking air phone tax. Air pod tax air pod, air pod, Chris air pod. Um, so I just, it just makes me angry, but you know, a lot of, a lot of stuff does. So it's okay. I'm going to see Megalopolis. First of all, the name Megalopolis is just, it's too much. Okay?

Don't call it that. I watched the preview for it. It's a movie that came out. The director of Godfather did it. Francis Ford Coppola, Megalopolis, and I did a table I, I did a table read for him once and it was so long. I couldn't even fucking believe it, dude. I did a table read for him. The thing was about 700.

No, it was, what was it? 400 something pages and dude, we took a break because we had to. And it was with me, Liv Schreiber, uh, uh, uh, Philip Seymour Hoffman, who's the one? Uma Thurman and like Joe Montagna and me, right? Like why the fuck was I there? And I went and I was just like, dude, and I'll never forget at the end, Liv Schreiber said, it's a beautiful piece. And I'll never forget at the end, Liv Schreiber said, it's a beautiful piece.

And now, dude, it just really is a beautiful piece. Liv Schreiber has to be a big, I don't know him. He has to be a big dickhead, right? Look at his face. Oh, look at his face. Right? Liv Schreiber's face is basically, I mean, uh, if he's not a dick, it doesn't make any, it doesn't make any sense. Honestly.

Um, and he's in that new show with Nicole Kidman. Uh, one time I saw a woman that was just, one time I saw a woman, I was at the improv, she walked in and I get, and I, and my heart stopped because it was Nicole Kidman. And I am like, oh, what the fuck? She just comes to the improv like a regular person? And I'm like, I gotta say something, right? Like I love her, or this was a long time ago, I was like, I don't know if I could like steal her away

from whoever she's dating. Just a lunatic. And, and I'm like, what is she doing? She was like with nobody. And like, maybe she was with somebody, but I didn't really pay attention. But then I walked up to her and it just

wasn't Nicole Kidman. And I'm just like made up the whole thing in my head. And I was so wrong. And one time, dude, I don't have face blindness, but one time, my friend has face blindness. And one time I have face blindness, honestly, when it comes to, and I don't even mean to be racist, but some other races, sometimes I have it. And we know which one I'm talking about because I can

watch a whole show that takes place. Dude, I might be racist. Maybe I'm not racist, but my, I have the face blindness race, the racist face blindness because I, it really activates during movies that I watched that were made in Korea. That's all I'm saying. So, uh, but. Like I'll be damned if a character has different,

if it has different clothes on, I can't. But I don't have face blindness, but I do usually with the Asian movies and then pretty much that's it. But, so one time I went to, that's good if I just blame it on me, right? I have face blindness when it comes to that. There we go. I, I, I'm the problem.

And so, but I, uh, I did, um, did what I used to get. Wow. I, I'm all over the place, man. I used to, this is, both of these stories take place in New York, but I, but one time I was like, dad, who's the guy that gets, that gets mixed up with Robert De Niro and she, and the lady, a lady walks by me and says Al Pacino, and it,

and it wasn't that, that's not what I was thinking of. And I got mad at the lady and I was like nine. So I get it. I, I, I, I, I, I've always been this asshole, but, but, speaking of Facebook on this, I, I, I, I, I've always been this asshole, but, but, um, speaking of Facebook on this, I walked up, I was at a hotel lobby once in New York. Okay. I see a guy that my dad knows for years.

I see him and my dad has known him for years. My dad hasn't talked to him in a while. And I know that my dad is going to flip if I tell him I saw him So I call up I call up my dad and I say dad you're not gonna believe this I'm in the whole this hotel lobby in New York, and I'm I'm really close to and I said the guy's name Isn't that crazy said are you kidding me you kidding me? And I said, nope. And he said, well, you gotta walk up to him and give him the phone. You gotta go say hi.

And I say, all right, I'll go out, give him the phone. I walk up to the dude and I say, Hey, they say the guy's name. And the guy looks at me and goes like this. No, no. And it was just a Russian guy. It wasn't the guy. And I go, oh, sorry. And then I go, that is not him.

And I leave. You know, well, you win some, you lose some. You win some, you lose some. You win some, you lose some. Here's, here's a Dave Grohl. Dave Grohl had a baby, had a baby, um, with somebody who's, um, not his wife. And it's like, look, don't be doing that, right? Hey, let's just put out a blanket statement. If you're married and you've got kids,

don't be splurting in other women with no Dami on, because nine months later, you never know what could happen. Okay? Now, did you splurt up in her? Yes. Now. Did you get her pregnant could happen. Okay. Now, did you split up in her? Yes. Now, did you get a pregnant? Yes. Now, did they have a baby? Yes. Now, is your wife upset?

Probably yes. Now, are your daughters upset? Yes. Now, did everyone think you were a good guy? Yes. Now check this out, right? Cause it was basically just him encounter. He was just running the fucking run in the running the game on, oh, hey, these are, why can't you be more like him guys?

You know what I mean? And you know, women would say that and they don't know him and I'm sure Keanu Reeves has his demons and whatever, but it's like, dude, okay. So I'm like, okay. So Dave Grohl splurred it in another. Okay. And had a baby and whoopsie daisy, but he, he did that. He did that.

All right. And everyone's like, great. I can't believe it. Now I can't, not everyone, but somebody like, I can't even listen to his music anymore. Great. Can't even listen to his music anymore. Cause where he splurged it.

So I'm like, okay. And they're like, I thought he was such a nice guy. And I'm like, why? Did his face look like a nice guy's face? Does he smile a lot? Why? Huh? Because he went on Ellen? Why?

Hey, because he did Oprah? Why is he nice? Hey, why do you think he's a good guy? Huh? He's a good guy? Huh? He's a rock star. Rock stars are pieces of shit. And you know what? It's kind of why a lot of people listen to rock music.

Cause they let their piece of shit fly. Right? You think Lenny Kravitz didn't splurting another? Cuz they let their piece of shit fly right You think Lenny Kravitz didn't splurt in another? Are you kidding? You think on and I'm not even going like but you think The the the band members of dig didn't splurt another Dude, you don't think Megadeth and Metallica, you don't think they splurt another? Are you kidding me? They wouldn't even have been created, been able to create Enter the Sandman if they didn't splurt another and I'm, that's on God.

What's the center, uh, enter the sand, dude, I'm tell- oh fucking Scott Stapp, Nickelback, he looks nice, splurting in others. You know? Uh, uh, let's not forget, they're rock stars dude. It's like getting mad at a rapper for calling a woman a bitch. It's the culture. Hey, if you're a rocker and you were in Nirvana, you're spartan others, dude, and that's just how it goes.

It's part of the culture to go, Hi ma'am, splurred whoopsie daisy nine months later. It's part of the culture is to go, hi ma'am, splurred, whoopsie daisy, nine months later. It's part of the culture. It's part of the culture. It's just absolutely asinine that these people are like, great, now I can't listen to David. You mean the rock music? I mean, for fuck's sake dude, it's like rock- it just...

What are you gonna- what's next? You're gonna get mad at fucking Chingy for getting his dick sucked? What's next? Y-you know? You're gonna get mad at f- TI got accused of a bunch of crazy random shit, and everyone's just still... That's hip-hop! Dave Kroll, Splurton, whatever, it's fine. Well, here we go. Fucking... Look, look at this stupid shit. United Airlines.

Man, United Airlines, dude. Whoa, here, hold on, before I even get into this. Corey Taylor says, Dave Grohl having baby outside of America does not mean he's not a nice person. Yeah, okay, here we go. There we go, there we go. Friends come into rescue, to friends. It's irresponsible, but doesn't mean he's not a nice person.

People just wanna be like. What if he was just like, Dave Grohl was like, I gotta put out a press conference, and he was like, guys, look, I, I, look, I get it. You're pissed. I'm not who you thought I was. You saw me sitting on Oprah's couch. You know, I've got daughters.

You thought I was this great guy and. There was a chick. And like, if you just, if you saw her, though, you'd get it. You'd get it. Now look, some of you might

use a helmet. But you'd still look at it and be like, I get not using one, right? You'd get sporting all up in it. And so, so, uh, anyway. Hey yo, let's take a break. Listen, I want to talk to you about ShipStation. The world keeps getting smarter, right? Now that's great, but it's also stressful because maybe you have an e-commerce business and you're like, well, that should get smarter too. Well, ShipStation has got

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Look, look, look at this shit. So United airline is still run by a bunch of cats. Look, it says they're typing. Dude, just write it to me. You're a bot, you know? I'm sorry, uh I'm sorry Thank you for waiting. I need to connect to our baggage desk. Please wait For you to set your delivery for the baggage, let me transfer you to our baggage department.

Please, stay online." Then the bots go, please, stay online. Like just so insecure. Make the bot without the stutter. It's a fucking robot. I'm sorry. You know, let me get this straight. Um, so, Ooh, so what you're saying got the bathroom. So, like just trying to sell the...

Just... So, you need help with your bags? One second... Casey, be quiet! Daddy's talking! Anyway... Sorry, you know kids... Anyway...

What size was your bag? Sorry, I'm in the middle of robbing a bank. You caught me at a bad time. I'm in the middle of robbing a bank. Wow, just killed a guy. So was your bag brown? Sorry, sorry, one of the other robbers just used my real name. Uh oh. That's going to cause a problem. Let me transfer you to baggage. Um, sorry. I'm executing someone. Anyway, Casey, get down. So you said your bag number was.

Could you imagine if that was what it was and you'd be on the phone and you're just like, what the fuck is this? They're making the bots too. They're making it too real. Dude, if I was customer service and not a bot, if I wanted to quit, that's how I would quit. I would pretend it was a bot that was busy doing so many other fucking things. I'm sorry.

You caught me. I'm in the, I'm in line at Ralph's checking out. I'm at the grocery store. It seems I forgot wipes. Oh, God damn it. Anyway, what was her confirmation number? Cash please. Yes, I'll use cash What the fuck is with these pods, I'm sorry

Give me your last name Yes, the latest issue of us weekly, please Anyway, what was the last? What was your last last name? Please no special characteristics. No special characters You know, I you know when they do that update it I got a fucking apostrophe but after the deep updated You can fly to Mars Mars. Update it! Put an apostrophe in your system dude. You know? Hey, uh, I can open a door just by looking at it with my eyes from a facial scan. Update it with the apostrophe! You know what I'm saying? Oh dude, there's's 9000 cameras everywhere, can't do shit without getting caught! Update it with the apostrophe!

Make an apostrophe use when I'm trying to log into the DMV! It's not a special character anymore, what is it, a fucking pumpkin? It's an apostrophe! Everyone, it's prejudice against Italians. It's prejudice against Italians. Ah! Hi. I'm sorry. What the fuck is after the D? And it's a capital E?

Ah, fuck me. Sorry, you caught me in the middle of jerking. Ha ha ha ha ha! Ah, that's the Nivea. Sorry, you caught me in the middle of jerking. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Oh, that's the Nivea. Can you give me your confirmation number? Haha! Nivea reminds me of the beach. Hahahaha!

Nivea Loser reminds me of the beach! Oh, I thought that! Yes! It reminds me when I was a kid at the beach. Nivea. My mom must have used it. Hahahaha! Anyway... It reminds me when I was a kid at the beach. Nivea. My mom must have used it. Anyway.

Hahahaha. Anyway, can I help you with something else? Just on the other line like this. Hahahaha. Uh, deaposophy? No. Sorry. No special characters, you fuckface. Anyway. Hahahaha. Sorry, no special characters you fuckface. Anyway. Dude, so anyway, I'm fucking trying to get my bag now. You know what I'm like when you're at the gate now I fly all the time. Dude, I took

You ever taken three flights in a day? Hey, dude, I took three flights yesterday like I'm three people. I'm me, okay? I'm just me, I'm not, dude, I get to the, so I'm in, yeah, I'm in fucking, what's it called? Who, where was I?

Lexington, probably, Kentucky. Get picked up, go to the, first of all, everyone in Lexington, I don't know if they're just, it's very the South and like literally, the guy did the most Southern thing, we went to take, we got picked up, went to go to the airport and I said, hey, do you mind stopping at a coffee place first?

And he goes like this. Where? And I was like this. Wire. And I was like, all right, down the road. Wire. So, um, so I go, so we go to the coffee place and then we go to the, uh, you know, Lexington is just one of those cities where you just know, no matter where you're flying, you're going to have to connect, you know, itington is just one of those cities where you just know no matter where you're flying you're going to have to connect, you know, it sucks, right?

Those cities are the worst, right? You just never, there's like five cities you can fly into and otherwise you need to take a connecting flight, right? Now I had to take three. All right. So I am in the Lexington airport. By the way, let me look at this up. I don't even know how this happens, but Lexington, Lexington, Kentucky population. Okay. 320,000 makes sense. I get to the airport, small airport. I just, I was wanting to know

because the airport was small. Fly into Chicago, O-R-D, all right? Now, I get to Chicago, everything's on time, so that's one flight, ping, United. And I don't like taking United because they're run by a bunch of cats. I go to ORD, get there, get off the plane, boom. Hey, I walk out of the door to get to the airport.

The first thing I see, the first thing I see right in front of me. It's not even on the opposite side of the airport. It is in the middle of where people are walking like it was gifted to me, Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Now, dude, I didn't even know Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf was in the Windy City. I thought it was just on the West Coast. So I go, all right, I wait in line. Okay, now this isn't a brag.

In the next three minutes I was in line, I've never been more famous. Okay, now that's fine. All right, I don't, you know, people walking up taking pictures It's like I'm all five members of Nsync. Okay? All good. Didn't matter Made a joke to my friends. Hey, man, I'm so fucking famous I got recognized nine times in two minutes and then I sent it and then I sent oh, sorry I thought I was typing this in my notes app That's a funny joke, dude. Why would I be putting it in my notes app?

So I did that. They probably all laugh like hell, but that's not what the story is about. What the story is about is I go to now, by the way, airports in cities that are that big. You're too big. You're a city. The Chicago airport is a city. Chicago airport city is what it is. Okay? O-R-D city. That's what is so they bro so I'm like oh I look at the I look at the gate and says hey good news it's just on the B terminal you're in the C terminal so I'm like alright cool 16 minute walk it says on my app 16 minute walk and I'm

like look into the app I'm like you don't know how fast I fucking walk I'm like, looking at the app, I'm like, you don't know how fast I fucking walk. I'm gonna do it in 12. Okay? So I go to the thing. I get there and I go, I'm right on time, baby. Wait a second. This is me. I ended up boarding. Why are we not boarding? My app counted down and then it said boarding soon. It's been saying boarding soon for a while.

Hey, what the? Wait a second. I'm sorry. Why are we not boarding? So I'm like, you know, trying to figure out what's going on. Then this. Hi, hi. This is United Air, United number.

And I'm, that's what I'm reminded. Oh yeah. United. This is, we're having a, we're doing a, we're actually delayed a little bit. We're going to be 15 minutes. Okay. Great. Oh, great.

Well, that's nothing. Great. I'll charge's nothing. Great. I'll charge my phone for longer. I'll buy more AirPods and lose them. I got 15 minutes, I do whatever. I go to Chili's. Here's something that's true. Your flight has a, you know, whatever, five to 10% chance getting delayed.

Now, if it gets delayed, okay. If your flight gets delayed, it then has a 100% chance of getting more delayed. Okay. It's never, it's going to be 15 minutes and then actually it's going to be 30. Actually, you're going to be 15 minutes. And then actually it's going to be 30. Actually, you're going to be here till nine. Right? So I'm like, Oh, fuck. They delayed it for 15 minutes.

BS. So I look at the app and I go into the app and I read into it and it says, we are troubleshooting a technical mechanical issue and should be wrapped up soon. And I go, Oh dude, I wish it was just that the fucking crew wasn't here yet. You know, cause you've got some control over that. You don't know if the circuit boards are going to work or not, but you know, the crew is going to get here, you know, when they're going to get here and all this shit.

So I say, so I go up to the lady. I said, do you know, I have any idea what's going on? She's like, I have no idea. Then it gets delayed another hour. Then it gets delayed. Four hours. Then it gets delayed another hour. Then it gets delayed... Four hours. And here I am. I'm sorry. I am too, I'm too upset.

Oh, I sharted. First time I ever said shart. So I go like this. Line out, line from the fucking lady at the desk So long it was like it was a line in Russia for bread in 1985 And I don't even know if that's a true metaphor, but I said it So I'm like ninth in line Because I'm like I got to switch the thing but then I go on the app and I'm talking to a bot and they switch They I'm like, hey, can I get a different flight?

She's like, oh, well, you're gonna have to connect. So now I got to take three flights I know is there anything first-class? She was like no we can go to Houston So I'm gonna go from a fucking Lexington to Chicago to back to Houston then to LA. I go like this. That's funny Go fuck yourself. Do you have another option and she's like you can go flying to San Francisco and I go that's funny, go fuck yourself. Do you have another option? And she's like, you can go fly into San Francisco. And I go, that's hell on earth. Well, it doesn't matter. Is it first class? She says that one year is first class.

So I said, okay, well maybe that one. And in the meantime, I say, wait, hold on. I call my travel agent and I say, what else you got? And she said, Southwest. And I said, fuck it. Fuck it, dude. And I did it. I did Southwest and I got such good seats, dude.

What's the reason why I told this story though? I told this story for a reason. United just stays sucking, you know? They just stay... I've never had more problems than with United. I mean, there could be a fucking airline called Broken Air and I would still take it. It's just It's just so bad. And uh, it makes me sad that I had to do it and I got done got home late Didn't get to see my kid. I wanted to fuck I did see me Billy was already gonna be asleep

Didn't get to see Calvin cuz he had to go to sleep I didn't get there late and I was like I wanted to FaceTime him and Kristen was in the area of the house with no Service so she wasn't fucking picking up and I was just like what the fuck and then she was like, hey, what's going on? I was like, well, I wanted to FaceTime but now I can't and she was like, well, sorry I was painting in the other room and I said, oh my God, what the heck? What the heck? Why? You know, I wanted to call and she's like, I didn't know. And then we got in an argument. It's all good. And so it's like it's United's fault, you know?

Well, a couple of serpents, but it's just like, yeah, you know. It's United's fault. You know, it's United's fault. Um, I can't believe that Kenbe Madumbo died. Actually, yes, yes I can. He was nine feet. You can't live that long if you're that tall. If you're that tall, you just got to go like this.

Fuck. I'm not seeing 60, you know? Oh, I'm too long to not be catching these diseases that kill you, you know? Your body's just working and then they're like, what? I forgot about all the way down there. I got to pump blood all the way down there, you know? God forbid you get a boner. That's what happens. You get a heart on, you die, because all your blood that you have left goes to your dick. Yeah, remember this frigging commercial? This one, he was kind of having a renaissance there.

You're right, that's the fifth floor problem. Not in my house. I mean, that voice, that voice that voice first of all let's go back so good oh wow yeah no see now so it was a good commercial then it cut to these cucks playing in ukuleles and I'm pissed now. Geico makes such bad commercials. It was good and then hey congratulations and then you fucked it up.

Just cucks in a vest playing... The best! The best! That's how he nuts. That a Dave Grohl nut nutted he says the best 37 times in that in that song I counted once the best Hold on, hold on, hold on. What? What? What's he holding? What is he holding?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that. Oh, I love that. Oh, that is...

You can arrest me, but I'm getting... I'm getting turned on. I know you say I'm in trouble, but, puppy, I am down against the ground. My penis is rubbing against the cement. You can be mad and arrest me, but it's just making me have a good time you hear me yes I hear you where you coming from I come from home turn around where's home you were in the projects just now we're talking about home don't lie to me where did you just come from from the projects yes From the project. Yes. What are you doing? I was smoking that tobacco.

The tobacco? Yes. You sure? Yes, officer, I'm sure. You wanna go home, Papi? Well, are you calling Papi again? By officer, Mr. Nguyen. I'm sorry, I just get it hard.

I'm getting so erect, you know. You put me on my face down, it was enough to say being in charge the way you're doing, making me so hot, you charging, you being in charge, domineering, but then you put me on my tummy and I have to be honest. My penis was rubbing against the floor. That was it, said Papi. I have a little pre-com this is in alright

puppy officer I mean dude dude. Just that? Yes, sir. Just marijuana? Yes. Keep your hands here. All right. You got no knife on you? No, Papi, nothing. You sure? Yes, Papi. I ain't your Papi. Yes, officer. That's so funny, dude. Man, that's crazy.

Somebody said, Pro, stop to roll up a bun and almost got his head blown off by Officer Papi. Oh, shit. I, I mean, why did he keep calling him Poppy? That's so funny, man. Is it re he knew, come on. Officer Poppy.

So this is the, the background. Officer Poppy saw him buying drugs in the projects. In full segment of the episode, he was arrested with crack possession. He was rolling the crack in the tobacco blunt. Somebody said, in Morgan Freeman voice, and every day since this incident, his fellow officers referred to him as Sergeant Poppy. That's true. Hmm. Wow. I wanna go, dude, you know, I've been thinking about,

like, as I was talking about going to, um, what do you call it? Um, see Megalopolis and I want to see, um, the alien movie, but I also, uh, don't want to go to the movie theater. You know, Hey, wait for it to shrink. Hey, I'll it to shrink. Hey, I'll watch. I'm at the point now. I used to be like, you gotta watch it kinda in a... Dude, I'll watch a fucking beautiful cinematic masterpiece on my iPhone.

And not give a fuck, dude. And you know what? Hey, dude, also, by the way, I'm not on a plane. I'm on my couch. You know why I didn't put on the TV and put it on there? The remote's over there. That's where I am. The remote's over there. Guess I'm watching fucking, what's that Leonardo Caprio one

where he hides in a bear on my phone for three and a half hours, wall texting. What's that movie called? The Underground? Revenant? The Underground? Revenant? The Underground, you know? The whole thing was overground. Revenant. Oh yeah, guess I'm watching The Revenant on my iPhone 14.

I don't give a fuck, man. I don't give a fuck, man. Puppy. So, I don't give a fuck man, puppy. Um, so I, I, I watched Dahmer because I ended up loving the Ryan Murphy, uh, Eric Menendez movies, my fucking Menendez brothers. Monster, right? Um, did you ever hear the thing of the monster, the monster song where they, where the Jay-Z is on a remix Sasquatch and he just keeps on like saying a bunch of monsters, somebody did it in AI.

It's so funny. Sasquatch, Wolfman. He just keeps going. I can't play without getting demonetized. And then it was like the bad guy from, it got so absurd that it was like the bad guy from Baghead. Um, cause in the beginning of the lit of the verse, he says a few monsters and then starts rapping.

And then in this one, he just kept going and it was awesome. And honestly, that's my favorite rap, rap song. Pop, Poppy. Um, so, uh, I watched Dahmer. Uh, that kid is good in that, huh? It's a little slow. Sometimes acting is too... It's just like, come on guys.

You know, I get it. The lighting is doing the heavy lifting. Just say the goddamn lines. Right? If you act too hard and the lighting's too good, it's like, all right, man, you know what? I'm just gonna go watch a fucking show about... that show about... that... that... a show about... um... S... S... Sasquatch Dracula to Joker Um...

These Neil Breen movies I never had a beard What? What are you talking about? I've never had a beard Eh? Special effects? This is TikTok. Fuckin'... Good morning. Have a nice day.

Oww! I mean, the worst fucking ADR of all time. Hey, yeah, what is it? It's a wide shot outside? Okay, let's zip him up in a coffin and get this. Worst lighting. A porn. Oh.

Men in black. Why does this look so shitty? I gotta make a movie like this for real. I have to. Oh, it's so squeaky. Ah, that's the worst scene I've ever seen in my entire life dude, that's the worst scene That is the worst scene I've ever seen in my life, holy fucking shit, that's amazing. Oh my god Wow. Oh. Dude, everything is green screen.

He had no sets. Shot it in his living room. Ugh. Wait, it's my fault, it's my fault. Really, I apologize. Let me make it up to you. I'll take you out to dinner. No, you're a creep.

Leave me alone. I have a boyfriend. Get out of my face. Let's have a drink. Leave me alone. Let's have a drink. I'll meet you back here at eight o'clock. Get out of my face.

Oh God, dude. I mean, you know, that's like the acting class. It's just like, you got what you want, go for what you want, don't let her get away. Switch. Too many computers. You got what you want. Go for what you want. Don't let her get away. Too many computers. The guy's got four computers on his desk. Dude, they didn't even think about this shit. Yes, you are.

You have four computers. I'm not ready for this. You're ready for anything bro. You're in the Nebuchadnezzar. Cut earlier. Oh wow. Well I gotta screen record that... part. Too long. What is this movie? There's aliens in it?

I was approaching a robotic humanoid state. Oh, this is crazy, dude. Neil Breen. Uh... He... Neil Breen He They said it's out of context Neil Breen it seems like it's just all gonna be out of context That's unbelievable puppy All I have in this world balls balls balls balls balls. Um, I, uh, the, the, the hurricane Helen was crazy by the way.

I was in Lexington and it touched it all up there too, man. Why aren't, uh, I thought it was, I thought hurricanes were just like in Florida and stuff, but they, they go up, I guess Lexington and fucking my, my, my cousin in, uh, uh, um, North Carolina was fucked. You see Asheville. It's just basically the ocean now. Um, that'll teach Asheville, that'll teach Asheville for being woke. And um, in the middle of a red dot.

And a sea of red, little blue dot. That'll teach Asheville for being woke. Awoke underwater. Awoke, cars floating by. It's something though, right? If it's not the hurricanes, it's the earthquakes. There's been like seven earthquakes in the past week in LA. I got to explain to Calvin about what earthquakes are and then what heaven is eventually because he's, we were walking to school and he's just like, oh, we don't have to worry about heaven,

right? And I'm like, what? He said, no, not for a really long time. Don't worry about it. Uh, we don't even have to go pop-ups. Not even there yet. Then I'm sad here. Look at this here. Hi, I apologize.

That need to change the flight because of the delayed flight as you have. I don't like, you know what they do? They use the fucking talking boundaries that my therapist talk about in customer service and that shit makes me fucking irate. I don't want you to hear me. Just get me my shit. I hear you're very frustrated. No, dude. Hey, stop it. Bag, please. Hi, I apologize that I- look, hi. I apologize that need to delay the-

It's not even broken English because of the delayed flight. As you have completed your travel with Southwest Airlines, I request you please contact them for the delivery of your bags. Are you fucking... I didn't check it with them. I didn't, I didn't. No, didn't check, check my bags with Southwest. West. They saved the day because you messed it up.

Yes, dude. It is standard- So I wrote that, dude, but before that they wrote, is it a standard industry practice defined by the international airport transport law. Don't bring the fucking law into it like this, that the final character must accept the- Dude, no. You know what I wrote? What I just wrote, what I told you what I just wrote,

look at this. And they're gonna try to throw some fucking shit on me like this. I can't wait, they're typing. I can't wait, dude. I cannot wait. I can't wait. One thing's for sure, United's driving over.

Oh man, I love shit like this. Kirsten would already be at the gate. Hi, I hope I didn't inconvenience you. Honey, I got it. Drive over now. Get the president of the airline to drive over immediately. Chop her in. Handle my bag with care.

Give it to me and also bring me a spread of meats and cheeses. So anyway, they're writing back now. I can't wait. Love it. This is like that DirecTV thing that I went through that one time. God, United sucks, dude. Planes are all brown in there, you know?

Like what? Their planes look like a fucking living room in 1985 for real like that's what it I mean maybe the nice ones the nice intercontinental ones but like if you go on one that's just gonna be going from you know Duluth to Denver you might as well be flying a fucking sofa look at this I understand that you have not checking your bags with Southwest Airlines however as per the final carrier rule final carrier will take fucking sofa. Look at this. I understand that you have not checked in your bags with Southwest Airlines. However, as per the final carrier rule,

final carrier will take the responsibility for all the customer's baggage delivery. Okay, okay, okay. So here's what I say. So get in touch with Southwest for me and give them my bag that you have, even though it's mine. There we go.

So get in touch with Southwest for me and give them my bag that you have, even though it's mine and they can deliver it. They can deliver it if they want. Yeah, dude. I'm good. Oh, wait, I had a number four in there for some reason. Um, okay. I'm not, I'm not coming to the airport.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. I already did that. And you ruined the day. Yes! Yes! Someone's reading it. Someone is reading it.

Oh, I can't, the three dots, I'd never been more excited, dude. I'd never been more excited. This is great. I'm not coming to the airport. Oh, I'm not, the three dots, I'd never been more excited, dude. I'd never been more excited. This is great. I'm not coming to the airport. Oh, I'm not coming to the airport. If I go to the airport, dude, I'm gonna be so pissed off. Okay?

Okay, so relax, let's talk about something else. You know what, and also Kristen is like, you're gonna have a heart attack. And I'm like, yeah, but dude, that might be true because of all the stress, you know what dude god damn if it's not fucking it feels good yes it feels good to put motherfuckers in their place this guy's just like some 52 year old guy that doesn't give a shit, you know? Yes!

And here's the deal, you, you know what, it's always like these people in power, these people in these power positions need to get taken down. No, no, no, that you are, you misunderstand the positions of power. These people are in power, they're not the rich, they're not the famous, they're the people that you have to deal with every single day. Like this shit. Customer service. Here we go. They wrote back. You don't have to go back to the airport. Let me call them and check with them. Please stay connected. Dude, if I did this your way, I'd be there already. You don't have to go back to the airport. Let me call them and check

with them. Please stay connected. Oh yes, dude. oh yes dude here I'm gonna right back I can't wait until I have news from you about who is sending me my bag you or Southwest it it it it should be up to them they saved the day yes he's gonna read it yes I'm staying connected this is is a great conversation, man. I love this kind of shit. Dude, thank God Kristen's not home. She'd be so mad at me right now. And she would still somehow argue like, your tone is shitty and it's a fucking up. This is why I'm texting. Yeah! Dude, and I'm at home. This is awesome, dude. You can't get on me for not using the phone. That's what I'm gonna do. That's what I'm gonna do now. My wife can't get mad at me if I just text her,

sweetie I'm going to the other room, get your phone. That's what it'll be. If I have an issue with her, sweetie go in the other room, get your phone, sit tight. I'll be, I'm gonna go to the neighbor's house, I'm gonna start texting you. Just fucking there, just like this. She hears me from deep, deep across the street,

just screaming. Yes! This is great. They're not writing now. So that means they know I'm in business and they're in the shit right now. They're talking to each other. Look at this guy. What do we do here?

You know? Oh, I can't wait. I'll let you know on next week, I guess. But here we go. They're typing. Yes, dude. Oh, fuck, man. I would rather do this

than have sex with multiple tens. I would rather do this than eat a beautiful in-and-out burger late late at night after a crushing set. I'd rather do this I'd rather do this than just you know Find peace man. I'd rather do this than find peace peace man I'd rather do this than find peace I wish I could find peace honestly because I bet does that exist though thank you very much that's the end of the episode that's it for YouTube if you want to watch the rest of it go on a patreon patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And you can catch every other episode. We have 40 extra, like 40 extra episodes that are only accessible to the Patreon people.

So go on sign up for Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. They're writing back, dude. They're writing back. Hold on, they're writing back. I'm gonna fuck your father, you'll spill it, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father, fuck your father,