Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 413. Sore Winners

Episode Date: November 21, 2024

😮 Holler price drop! Get a shoutout on Congratulations for $40 for the next week: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. 📦 Get a 60-day free trial at shipstation.com/congrats. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show! This week's Congratulations has a fresh new look with the same great content. Tyson, parliamentary hakas, the Dakotas, Danny Trejo, and much much more! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 𝕏 X: x.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, what's up? We're here in the new studio and welcome to the app. We wanted to make it to where it was a monumental episode. So we did. 413. Congratulations. Congratulations. Welcome to episode 413 of Congratulations.

We hope you enjoy the new intro and all that stuff. You know, it is what it is and you like it. How about this? You like it. This is the new studio and we set it up all day and we are in my new house and it is absolutely Los Angeles You know, I don't even know if you told me it wasn't Los Angeles is it but they got this is not a green screen This is straight-up wallpaper and it's beautiful and I live right here

But you guys are You guys are here. You're witnessing absolute history, dude. Um, I, uh, just got back from, well, you know, well, actually, no, before I even get into that, I have all new dates up from that start now. Uh, now, so go to chrislea.com and, uh, check if I'm in your city. I got like Denver, I got, uh, uh, Portland and all crazy places, uh, that I'm in your city. I got like Denver, I got Portland and all crazy places that I'm going to. Amarillo, Texas, where is it? You know, Texas is one of those states that's just, it just never ends.

And Amarillo is a place in there and I'll be there, but I'll be in a bunch of different places. So go to chrisaleah.com. Where else am I going to be? I don't know. I think we got New York there and Boston And So that's what's up. I was in I

Needed to go I needed to get something. What did I need to get? It was a few days ago. I needed to get it And I want to I was at CVS right now. I don't know if CVS is everywhere I was at CVS right now. I don't know if CVS is everywhere. I think it is in America. And then also it's not in Canada, I don't think. But CVS is a drugstore, basically. And it also has other things you could buy like every drugstore in America. You can also get, you know. A party pack of kazoos for some reason, right?

Because every everything is slowly becoming the same thing like, like, like like, uh, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, like, uh, it's a supermarket, like how every Starbucks is now a McDonald's as well, right? So I went in and I needed, what did I need? Uh, Oh, Oh, what did I need? It was a, uh, something that was, uh, Oh, a lint roller, dude. How about that? A lint roller.

Why your boy's lint roller, dude. How about that? A lint roller. Why? Your boy's linty. Your boy is absolutely linty too when the, what do you call it? The, when the construction guys are here at the house because then you lay down, you wake up and it looks like you were on a nine day bender just with dogs.

Cause you just have white powder all over you and just random dog hairs. And so I needed to get a lint roller. So I go like this. F this, I'm going to get a lint roller. I'm going I need a lint roller so bad, I'm going to only get a lint roller. Right. And even if on the way, my wife was like, hey, by the way, Chris, you got to get this.

I go go I'm gonna have to come back for it because this is the trip for the lint roller I need the lint roller that's how bad I need it I'm making a solo trip to the CVS to get the lint roller so I go I get the lint roller and I don't know where the lint roller is and every time I'm at CVS or a drugstore anywhere, Rite Aid, whatever you want to call it, I go and I try to do it myself. He does. He tries to do it himself. I try to do it myself every single time and I can't do it myself 95% of the time and that's fine, right? But I look, I look at stuff like I'm like, okay, look, there's the toiletries, great. This is the, okay, snacks are over here.

If I need chips, I'm gonna go over there. Toiletries, if I need travel size toothbrushes, need to go over there. You know what I mean? Greeting cards, okay, cool. For some reason, there's a huge section of greeting cards at every drug store, right? Or like, you know, birthday cards or whatever.

That's just where you get them, which is honestly inexcusable. Uh, there should just be card stores. Uh, now they think about it. There shouldn't be, there should just be, that should be an online thing. And that's it. So now, now that we have online, right? Coming up, there was hallmark and all that stuff, but whatever. I'm saying I go in with the intent to get a lint roller. Congratulations, I get inside, I look to where they would be, I go to where it might, like, you know,

I don't know, I'm looking at all the things. Sometimes there's weird stuff on the aisle, things like it'll be like, you know, feminine hygiene, which is fine, but like it'll be like, you know, uh, feminine hygiene, which is fine, but then it'll be like, under that will be like easy living. And you're like, what the fuck is easy living? What do they have? Like cigars and lazy boys in there? Well, what is it?

A black light? Well, I don't understand. Like what a black light Swiffer cigars and lazy boys. That's the aisle. That's the aisle. That's the aisle under easy living and a hustler magazines. So do they even exist still? So I went in there to get lint rollers and I go to the aisle that I think lint roller

is gonna be there. Great. Congratulations to me. It's not in there. All right. It's not in there. Of course, it's not in there. Um, so I'm pissed. So I, I, I, I, you know what I do? I double check that it's not in there. And by double checking, I walk out of the aisle and I go back into the aisle. That's my double check. It's like plugging your computer, replug. It's like, well, check that everything's unplugged, check that everything's plugged in. And then you go in as it plugged in.

Reset it on, that's the human reset. Is walk away for a sec, walk back with fresh new eyes. Like a detective that hasn't seen the case at all, and the old one's been working on it for 20 years. It's cold, but I'm here now, right? So I leave, I come back in, I still can't find the lint roller. So I go like this, I got acquiesce, I got a, they broke me down.

I got to go find the random person either that's walking around in a CVS shirt, like that's just like an NPC, right? There's always that person just walking around in the drug store with a red shirt on or somebody's stocking the stuff and he's got like knee pads on and he's not and you're not sure if he works at the place or if he works at a delivery place and is coming back and taking care and making sure everything so I go look for that person and that person is a woman who is stacking stuff in an aisle that has nothing to do with lint rollers. I don't know what it was, but it doesn't matter.

So I say, hey, oh, excuse me. Sorry, I tried to look for it myself, but where would there be lint rollers? And she goes like this. The end of the aisle, 29 right there on the top. And my question for that person is how do you do that? Okay. And by how do you do that? I don't mean like, I get you memorize it. You're there for long enough for 20 years. You know, I don't know if people work at CVS for 20 years but like dude shout out like people were

congratulating veterans on veterans day there should be a day for the people that just know where shit is in aisles dude it's unreal that you would know where a lint roller is because i i rolled up to her like she's not going to know this shit not only did she not know it, she knew it was on the end of the aisle and on the top of the end of the aisle. And I go over there and I'm and I'm here's how well she knew it. I go over there and I go it's not gonna be there. I look it wasn't there. Then I walked back out, walked back in, reset and it was there dude. I just wasn't looking in the right area. I'm the

worst at looking for things. My son asked me if I was good at looking for things the other day and I said, no, not really. I'm not really that good at it. And then when I put him to bed yesterday, oh, I was so tired from coming back on the flight. I came back on the flight from South Dakota. Hey, how about this, dude? Did you know this?

What's better, North Dakota or South Dakota? South Dakota. Hey, how much better? Way better. Did you know this? What's better North Dakota or South Dakota? South Dakota. Hey, how much better? Way better. Did you know that? Isn't that crazy? Isn't that weird? Just so you know, South Dakota is way better than North Dakota. Why? Okay, I'm going to tell you two reasons. Number one, North Dakota, 40 degrees colder than South Dakota. Okay. South Dakota. I mean, look, South Dakota isn't fucking, you know what I mean? It's not like it's Atlantis or Bermuda.

It's not like you're in South Dakota and all of a sudden they're playing Daniel Bedingfield everywhere and you're just getting sucked off. It's not that. Okay. You still pretty much are like, should I go sucked off. It's not that. Okay. You still pretty much are like, should I go to Dillard's? Right? Here's my impression of someone in South Dakota. Should I go to Dillard's? Dude, Dillard's. Here's my impression of someone after they go to Dillards in South Dakota.

Are you hungry? You wanna go to Applebee's? Okay, so those are two great impressions of somebody in South Dakota. And here's the impression of somebody in North Dakota. Ah, it's cold. You wanna go in Dillards? And then after that,

you wanna go to the Applebee's that's attached to Dillard's? We don't go outside. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. The other person, you know, because that's how they talk. And then so, so and also it's it's North Dakota, at least from my findings. And you know, I have a lot of you know, data points and I do a lot of really a lot of research, but my findings, South Dakota is way less woke than North Dakota. North Dakota, I did a show in Bismarck because Fargo, the Fargo theater was like, I don't know, we don't know, you know, and so I did it in Bismarck friggin sold it out. I don't know what these fucking people are. You know what I mean?

It's like twelve thousand twelve hundred people show up at the show. And two people from Hollywood email like, I don't know if you should have him. Anyway, we did it and it was good extra paper scoop that up. So I but so I was I was at South Dakota and I flew back and we connected because no flight is, is from South Dakota anywhere, even if you want to go to a place where it connects, they secretly are like, well, we have to connect before you even can get to the place and you're like, but this is the connection to even get there and they say, yeah, but for you, if that's your

destination, you have to connect. Where is it? Six blocks away. We have to connect. Where is it? Six blocks away. We have to connect. What? So I went to, um, what do you call it? South Dakota. I flew back and I will get to the story about my kid and where he was, but I get

on the plane and look, uh, let's just talk about, let's just, okay. I'm gonna sound pompous, all right? But when I go places, people recognize me, all right? That's just how it is. Hey, haters, deal with it, okay? That's just how it is. I can't help that. I don't want it to happen, right?

I mean, it's nice because it means I'm successful, but if I could be successful without that, great. But you can't. Not not in my line of business. So I go to the airport and I'm like, oh, yeah, you know, people like Chris Lee. I was like, oh, yeah. Hey. Sit in the plane. People walk by on the plane after I board and they say, hey, big fans. Sometimes people are like, oh, man. And then I'm like, oh, say, Hey, big fans. Sometimes people are like, Oh man. And then I'm like, Oh, this is so uncomfortable.

Like nine rows are like, who's that guy? I go to my seat. And I have to sit or have to, I am, uh, to sit next to, uh, Danny Trejo. And I'm like, oh shit. That's a, first of all, he's very, he's one of those guys where if you don't know his name, you recognize him, okay? He's been famous for 25 years, right? Ever since Desperado, when he fucking was the bad guy

in Desperado's when he fucking was the bad guy in Desperado or whatever um and I go to sit next to him and and he says hi to me first okay he just goes hey what up man and I'm like oh hey what's up and he goes he puts this out I go boom what's up man and I go oh cool what's up man he's like hey how's it going I'm like oh good it's good to see you man he's like I sit down he was like man that's cool it He's like, hey, how's it going? I'm like, oh good, it's good to see you, man. He's like, I sit down and he was like, man, that's cool. It's cold in here, right? I'm like, yeah, yeah, dude. I'm like, well, I guess we're just gonna have a full on conversation from South Dakota to where we connect

in Denver, oh no wait, sorry. This was in Denver, we boarded in our connecting. So we were boarded Denver to LAX, and we're just gonna have a whole star-studded conversation from Denver to LAX. Yes, he knows who I am. Yes, dude! So I'm like, hell yeah, dude!

So we're talking and he's like, man, you know, I just did, he's like, where you come from? I told him where you come from? I told him where I come from. He said, man, I just came from Grand Rapids, from Comic-Con. There's a Comic-Con there, you know, they'd pay me to come and just sign a bunch of autographs. Whatever, free money. And I was like, yeah, man, that's so cool. And he says, where are you coming from? And I was like, yeah, I was coming from South Dakota. I had a show. In the meantime, as I'm, as we're talking, multiple people walking down the line,

down the aisle, and he's just fist bumping everyone. Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? A lady? Hey, what's up? A kid? Nine? Hey, what's up, partner? And I'm like, oh, this guy doesn't know who I am. He just is happy to be alive. You know what I mean? He's like 80 something and he's just like, what the fuck, man? I wasn't supposed to be this famous and rich. Fuck it. You know? Somebody said if I wanted to be in a movie when it originally Desperado, I just say, OK, I wasn't like even excited. And now he's just this guy who's got like taco shops and donut shops.

The guy's a fucking brand. He's in the Dodgers opening ceremony fucking video for Christ's sake. Him in ice cube. So I'm just like alright shit. Well alright, you don't know where I am. Fuck it, that's okay. So I was like yeah I'm a comedian and he says oh I'm a, I do comedy too. You ever seen Con Air? And I'm like is this guy pimping his shit out? And I just fell in love with it. The dude is the nicest guy. And he kept saying things and I was all in, dude. But here's the point. I am zero famous when I sit next to Denny Trejo.

And that's a problem for my ego. I am, I am, you know what I am? A plant. You don't really look at plants, right? You don't really look at plants. You know, I'm a plant and next and, and so next to the plant is Danny Trejo. And people always say hi to Danny Trejo and then every say hi to the plant because nobody says hi to plants.

So I'm a plant next to Danny Trejo. Oh, no way. Oh, what's up? Oh, what's up? Oh, hey, Danny Trejo. Danny Trejo. Awesome. Awesome. And I'm just like, Oh yeah, I just, you know, I, I have stuff but it's all good and it's fine. I came from South Dakota where I played, I came, I played two faults, but whatever. Yes. Yes. He's in con air. I played Bismarck, okay? But it's awesome.

It's awesome when you meet people like that and how nice he was. But then he was like, hey, it's cold, huh? And I'm like, yeah, it's fucking cold. And I was like, because I heard about how he's like, that might just be a lie though. That he used to be like, before acting, he used to be like a gang member. That might be just racist though. Right?

No, it's true. He was in prison. Right? Yeah. Yeah. So you'd be happy too, if you got, that's why Mike Tyson is so fucking nice. If you had spent five years in jail or four, whatever it was, you'd come out and you'd start saying shit like, you know, I don't have, I don't, I don't need,

uh, there's no legacy when you die, you die. I'm just happy to be alive every day. You know, when he said to that kid, the kid that interviewed him, was that clip? You, do you know that clip? You don't want to talk about, oh, you don't know about that, dude. It was so funny. Look up what Mike Tyson interview with the kid where he starts talking about death and then send it to me. Yeah

But yeah, it's like if you're in jail you either you do one of two things you either are so negative get cancer and die in there or get you know, but fucked and killed or you just pick up the Bible or You don't pick up the Bible, but you somewhat kind of in a way in your head, pick up the Bible, right? Like you don't pick up the Bible, but you're like every day is a blessing, not necessarily in the Lord's way, but in the positivity way, right? In the optimism way. So, um, so, uh, what the fuck was I talking about? So anyway, so I fly back and now I know I didn't talk about this yet, but I went to go see this is all scattered and the payoff of the story is my son couldn't find his sleep sack. Totally not worth it. But the ride we take is what the episode is. Okay. is what the episode is. OK. I am a walking zombie because I get in.

So I go to I go to what do you call it? Danny Goh, Danny Goh, we got tickets to Danny Goh, to Danny Goh is a YouTube star. Danny Goh is amazing. Danny Goh and his crew are amazing. My sons love it. I love it. I love it with my sons. I love it independently of my sons. His music rips. Period. Period. Dude, oh dude, if you want to argue that, oh good, you're doing it to yourself. Period. His music rips. Get, get, get, give me that garbage. Dude, it's awesome. You know, that's the one I really know kind of by heart, but there's a bunch of great,

you know, there's one about pumpkin pie that's new and a candy cane and dude, you know, I don't, I'm not a huge fan of his seasonal work, but he makes bangers. Okay. Um, Kristen loves his seasonal work, of course, but I, I'm a fan of his earlier stuff. I'm kidding. He's great, but I do love his earlier stuff. But it's like and the Dino song, forget it. The glow stick song, forget it.

And so and you know, the glow stick song, forget it. The Dino song, forget it. The the garbage song, forget it. The race car song, forget it. There's a lot of forget it's. And then there's a seasonal work that Kristen absolutely loves. He's got stuff for everyone. OK, the pumpkin pie song, the skeleton, spooky spiders everywhere. Now that's you do the math, obviously.

Fucking Halloween. But his seasonal work, it's a little different than his other work. So anyway, I go Calvin, we're going to Danny Go. You know, Billy, we're going to Danny Go. Billy can't talk. So a lot of times I'm like, hey, you know, I talk about Calvin, but Billy, because just Billy is like, he can't talk. And I don't know how he feels about things. I think he likes Danny go cause he watches them. But who the fuck knows the difference between that and CSI Miami. He just fucking sits there and stares at it.

So, uh, I'm watching, uh, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, the guy reaches out the tour manager, heard you love Danny go would love to get you tickets go I go oh that's awesome I'm gonna make my sense that I gotta I gotta go I gotta go to Danny go he's playing on the 14th and on the 15th I'm gonna be in Bismarck so I go like this I'm not I'm not I always fly the day early because I don't want to be exhausted this is not gonna happen I'm always I'm gonna be it hey dude it not going to happen. I'm always I'm going to be it.

Hey, dude, it's hilarious to think about the fact that I wouldn't go to Danny Goh if my sons wanted to go to Danny Goh. I went to Danny Goh and I had to take the flight later. At the it was like a 12 a.m. flight, Red Eye landed in Denver, three hour layover at like 5 30 a.m. You ever have a layover at 5 30 a.m. that's three hours you're just sitting there nothing's open not even Starbucks and you're just like this what am I doing? But I did it

because I needed to see Danny Goh. Do you understand? Because I'm not gonna miss that. Not gonna miss that. And I rocked out and we went to Danny Goh. The show was at 5 because it's for kids, which is amazing. It ended at 7. We got there, the guy was ready for us to walk in the side door. Had Danny Goh hats, had barehead hats, and also the glow sticks for us. My son was a pig in shit. Okay? He's like, I got a bunch of merch for you guys and I just go, get, get, get, give me that garbage, right? Because we know it's gonna break soon, but I want to have a time of my life! And

so we get into the Danny Go thing, as soon as we get into the Danny Goh thing, as soon as we get into the Danny Goh thing, it's like all right here you're coming this way, when you come back we get a pee, you could come meet everybody. I go really? We can? And I walk out and I realize how long it's been since I've been to a show of anything. of anything because you know why? It's too much work. You ever go out? I know a lot of you do because some of you come see me, right? But you got to dress nice, you take a shower first, the women have to start getting ready at like 2 30 p.m. So I'm like, I'm out. It's five. I'm out. And it's bustling. Because you can't just, you don't just go for, you don't, two people don't go to a Danny Goad show together.

You know, it's at least, at least three, but probably four or more because the grandma goes to, right? So you just, you just go, oh, okay. I don't know how much tickets are, right? But like, you just, you gotta shell out the dough, okay? So I walk in and I'm like, wow, this is cool. People go, people like do this and they come out and see me like this, this is amazing.

And people walk by me, they go, oh dude, you're a Danny Goh fan too? Yeah, hell yeah. I'm like, yeah, this wasn't my kid, but yeah, no, I mean, I liked the garbage song. And, um, so I, I go, we watch it and it starts, we get the great seats, shout out to Gage who gave us the seats. His name is Gage, like he's a fucking X-Men. And, um, we, we sat there and there's a countdown and a huge LCD screen. They played it. Calvin and Billy are just sitting. Every other kid boom boom boom boom with

the glow sticks. Calvin holding the glow sticks just waiting like a little serial killer. It starts, he goes like this, give me my headphones because it's too loud. Like a little serial killer. It starts, he goes like this, give me my headphones, because it's too loud. Now, here comes everyone that says my kid is probably autistic, he's not, he's right, it was too loud. When he says something's too loud, I go like this, he's got a fucking point, and maybe I'm autistic too, okay?

But I'm autistic. But so, well, I am, huh? Because I'll tell you why, because I asked my wife once, did I talk about the toothbrush thing already on this? That was she took my toothbrush? She'd been taking my toothbrush, yeah. So she'd been taking my toothbrush. People have been commenting stuff about your toothbrush. People comment you? been taking my toothbrush yeah so she been taking my toothbrush

people comment you stop taking toothbrush so we win so we win that's a winner so i fucking hit a winner anyway um uh he's getting so so we're at denny go and uh the show starts i I start singing along dude because the go dude the garbage song second okay the garbage song is second and that's a honestly perfect placement for the garbage song okay because it's a banger and also I don't know if it's the best song but it's up there and then also it shouldn't be first right so it should be last because the last one should be more of a poignant kind of a thing and that's when he sang happy moon and that's great but uh I start singing along my son looks at me and he says, I don't want to sing along. So I say, oh yeah, Calvin, you don't have to. Just watch if you want. He says, all right.

So I'm like, I'm just singing along and my son's not singing along and it looks like fucking we switched bodies like it's big and like like people walk by but are you that do you have the dad's brain to him because I'm singing give me that garbage and I got Billy and he's and so he's got the headphones and he's watching the thing and he says dad it's like we're watching Danny Goh, but they're outside of the TV. And I was like, that's exactly what live performance is. So we do it. We get out of the show and it's phenomenal.

It's great. Go if you have a family. And we go to the VIP section and it's pretty much just my family and maybe two other families that are related to the Danny Goes and um dude they come out in outfits in their outfits they didn't even change out of their outfits they changed it into new outfits because they were sweaty I know they were I saw them and then they got they got their same outfits on came back out and dude my sons both of them But Calvin mostly because he's I know how he's feeling because he can verbalize it

Man, it was so awesome. He just goes Is that him and I said, yep, and he goes up to him and he was like Can I get a picture with barehead? Barehead came out even barehead with the barehead is so hot. He's just a barehead in there. He's got a bit of a fucking so sweaty. And then my son, we're playing. Danny goes, a champ. All the other guys, Pap Pap is there and Mango, what's her name? Mango something Mango? Not Mango Mary something. Anyway.

mango not mango mary something anyway um so we get to the we we we're about to leave we're there hanging out it was so nice and then when we leave they say all right buddy was there anything else you want to say to danny goh before we go and calvin said looks at danny goh and says you and me we're the same. Like he's fucking Magneto talking to Professor X playing chess at the end of the X-Men movie, dude. Like he's a bad guy. You know, we're not quite, we're, we're both the same.

We want the same thing. We're not so different you and I. Dude, you and me, we're the same. Rocketed into my Rolodex of memories. We'll never end. We'll never know what it means. That's my rosebud moment. I'm, by the time I'm, you know,, with fucking, you know,

I would have something weird like lung cancer for no reason, even though I don't smoke, or even worse, liver cancer, because I don't drink, right? That's what I would get. And I would be dying, and they'd be like, why did he say you and me were the same to the nurse before he died? And only a person, and you know what,

Calvin wouldn't even remember, because he was four when he said it. before he died. And only a person who, and you know what, Calvin wouldn't even remember, because he was four when he said it. They'd be like, maybe he was a big fan of the fucking X-Men movie where Professor X and Magneto are playing chess at the end. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Did they say that in The Rock too? Yeah, I think so. They say a lot of bad guys get good movies. You mean they were saying... Yeah, I think they said it in Heat too. Yeah, they said a lot of them. So many.

You and me were not so different after all. It's the chase, isn't it? Hey guys, let's take a break. A lot has changed over the last year. If you have a growing e-commerce business, you can relate. I'd like to talk to you about ShipStation. Whether you're looking for better efficiency during the hectic holiday season. Holiday season, this really helps.

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Turn off fears. With your support, the YMCA of Greater Toronto helps people turn off whatever's holding them back. So they can let their potential shine help turn on confidence and connections and possibilities From youth shelters to job training mental health counseling and beyond the YMCA offers hundreds of programs that empower people to shine their brightest See our charities impact at YMCA GTA org slash charity So anyway, did that got home, hopped on a flight, North Dakota, South Dakota, Denver, Danny Trejo, LAX in short.

And so I get home and I'm a zombie dude. I'm like, hope my wife doesn't say anything. Cause if she does, won't be able to not have an argument Right the number one time you're gonna get an argument is when you come back from something and see someone yes He figured it out. It's a hundred percent true. It's one Hundred percent true people are like are we gonna be able to survive this? She's gonna go away to Paris for two weeks Yeah, you can survive that when she comes back. Good luck having a fucking conversation.

Too much expectations. Whenever I go on the road and I come back, that's the number one time we are going to not be on the same page. And it's inevitable. So I'm like, wow, she doesn't say. So this I like when I come back too late in the day because I know we can't get into an argument because we got it at a bad.

Hey sweetie, fuck you. And dude, so I get home early though on the Sunday and I go, oh, I'm fucked, dude. It's going to be argument city. It's going to be just not Ida Iville. I mean, it's going to be different page. Town. I don't know what else, you know. And different page town. And so I get home and

I go, you know what, is actually the truth is I'm too tired. Because here's the deal. I had to go to Danny Go, then hop on the plane, extra pay, scoop that up, get to North Dakota. Then the next day my tour manager said he wouldn't do this anymore. But it was a nine hour drive so we had to fly and that's okay but wait a second no it's not because wait oh there's only connecting flights from North Dakota to South Dakota even though my tour manager said he wouldn't do it anymore so I had to wake up early so we get there on time so he could get there and whoopsie daisy had to wake up super early and fucking connect somewhere totally out of the way and then back to fucking do the show and then

Back to LAX so I'm and I had a whole I have a full conversation with Danny Trejo, so I'm like I'm exhausted So get home It's I realize we're not actually gonna get into our an argument and you know why I'm actually too tired actually gonna get into our an argument and you know why I'm actually too tired hey dude if we disagree you win oh hey uh Cheerios are pink she says I go yupp Hey, most clocks are a rhombus. I know those Hey, it's Kermit the giraffe. Yep watched it when I was a kid don't Care if you want to get If you want to have a full

Beautiful relationship with your significant other, be too tired the whole time. No, be beyond that. I was falling asleep on the couch. I was getting up. I was going to, so I go to bring Calvin to bed because that's like, I love doing that when I get home. Like, cause I have, I've missed them. Even if it's for two days, I come back and I fucking put them in a bed, right? Or at least Calvin, cause sometimes Bill goes a bit really early, but

I bring them up and I'm so tired, dude. And Calvin's been having trouble going to sleep. So he's like, you know, because he gets scared of absolutely nothing, right? He'll be like, monsters. And I'm like, but they're not real. And he's like, yeah, but still scared of them. And I say, well, but you don't need to be because they don't exist. And then I'm just getting a taste of my own medicine

because I didn't sleep through the night until I was 13. Ran into my parents room every single night until I was 13. So anyway, so I, 14. So I, anyway, I'm like, hey Calvin, I try to have like a real conversation with them. I'm like, I just, I tried to have a real conversation with him, I'm like, I just want you to understand something.

I'm so tired, I'm way too tired. Why don't you just go to bed, you don't even have to brush your teeth, just fucking hop in bed. And he goes, no, I wanna brush my teeth. I said, brush your teeth. You know why? Too tired to argue. So he goes to brush his teeth, I said, okay,

you don't have to wash your hands. He says, but I wanna wash my hands. I say, okay, you don't have to wash your hands. He says, but I want to wash my hands. I say, okay, you know why? Cause I'm too tired to argue. I don't even care if he pisses the bed. Dad, do I have to go potty? No. Well, I want to go ahead too tired to argue.

So I hear him tinkle. He comes back. Hey, Calvin, you forgot to turn out the light. I don't even fucking, you know, tell him that. And he does it. This is the first time he turns out the light on his own. And I remember he knows that he's tired. So he gets in bed and he goes, wait, dad.

I said, what, buddy? Just it's okay. Just go to sleep. He says, no, I forgot my sleep sack. But I already did the thing where I made sure he brought it upstairs because I knew he was going to forget it and he didn't forget it. And I know he didn't forget it in my soul so I go fuck yeah I did the right thing five minutes ago and he says oh but it's not in here I said

yes it is somewhere and I don't have my glasses on I'm so tired and he says where's my sleep sack and I said I don't know it's somewhere here it's either in the bathroom or he says okay I'll look he goes to the bathroom it's not in there and I said well it's somewhere in the room and he says I can't know it's somewhere here. It's it's if it's either in the bathroom or he says, okay I'll look he goes to the bathroom. It's not in there and I said well What was somewhere in the room and he says I can't see it's too dark and I'm like, oh Shit You want to turn the light on? Okay. I'll turn the light on and he turns it on It's so bright and I'm just I'm like this in the bed and he was like dad. I can't find it anywhere And I'm like, well, I know it's in this room. Just please keep looking. I can't find anywhere.

So I get my glasses, put them on, spring up right in front of the doorway to the bathroom, which is he already crossed over three times. So I don't... he literally hopped over the sleep sack and said, I can't find anywhere. So I'm like, it's right there buddy. Gets it, comes in bed. And I'm like, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired. So I don't know if I'm gonna be able to stay with you

until you fall asleep because daddy's just too tired and there's no monsters and don't even worry about it. And he says, but I'm skilled. Can you stay a little bit? And I said, all right, a little bit, but not too long because I'm just too tired. We sit there, a few beats beats go by and he says to me Actually dad, I changed my mind if you're really tired. You can just leave and go to bed

My son Fucking reverse psychology to me, dude now I Feel what bad and I stick I get, I give him a kiss on the forehead. I say, buddy, it's okay. I'm going to stay with you sucker dad, dude. But it was, it was a really sweet that he did that. He's like, I mean, really sweet that he said that. Did you get the Mike Tyson interview?

Here we go. Let's play this. This is so funny. Yeah. Here we go. This fight, you are setting a monumental opportunity for kids my age to see the legend Mike Tyson in the ring for the first time. What type of legacy would you like to leave behind when it's all said and done? Well, I don't know. I don't believe in the word legacy. I think that's another word for ego.

That's just some word everybody grabbed on to. I was used every five seconds. It means absolutely nothing to me. I'm just passing through. I'm gonna die. Okay. It was before he said, I'm going to die. It was absolutely insane to say to a 13, 14 year old. And then he says, I'm going to die. All right. And that's when the wheels just come off. Okay. It's gonna be over. Who cares about legacy after that?

What a big ego, so I'ma die. I want people to think that I'm this, I'm great. Like talking to the kid, like the kid made up the word legacy too, like offended, like, so I'ma die, so what do you want? Like she's just like, this was something an adult told me to ask. And nothing we did with dust. We absolutely nothing.

She goes, you've ruined my adult years. You've ruined my adult years. When I get there, I'll always have this in my head. Our legacy is nothing. Dude, our legacy is nothing. Oh dude! Our legacy is nothing. Well, thank you so much for sharing that. Oh! The people behind the camera just...

Oh no. That is something that I have not heard before. You got no shit! You ate! You got no shit! Yeah, eight! Hahaha! Yeah, no shit! I don't say that as an answer. Can you really imagine somebody...

Oh, this is my favorite part. Just dug his motherfucking heels in. It was already beyond, believe it, the wheels came off. But this is when the whole thing explodes. See, I want my legacy to be this way when I get that you think I really want to think about you Yeah, I want you to think about me when I'm gone who the fuck cares about me when I'm gone Hey Mike Tyson come on man But we like that don't we though we do we do as do. As a society we will love that kind of shit.

Because he's being honest. Well that kid got a rude awakening. So, um, but this fucking fight was... You know, here's the thing. I knew... of course... You know what's stupid? Is when people act like, oh they rigged it down with these companies. We're just trying to fucking steal from. Yeah, dude. Hey, no shit.

It's like it's rigged, even if it's not rigged per se, it's still rigged. Everybody knows what's going on it's not like mike tyson is like he'd make 20 million dollars and they probably make more money the longer it goes and they didn't outright say well you know don't fucking maybe they didn't say outright oh don't hit don't you know don't knock him out mike don't go crazy don't don't bite his head off in the first two rounds because you know we needed to last because the NFL bought ads after round five and we want to make that money we want to give you your 20 milli so it's like yeah no shit it's rigged

even if it's even if it's not signed on paper like, hey this is a non-disclosure I can't talk about it, it's still rigged-ish. Which means rigged. So it's like the people were like, oh dude you're letting these companies steal from you? Dude shut up. You're not smarter than that. You know, you should have known that. It's like, dude, it's like having peanut butter all over your face.

And then being like, why does it taste like peanut butter? And you're like, why does it taste like peanut butter? And you're like, what? It's on your face and you're trying to like, rationalize it. Yeah, but it's not in my mouth. It's rigged because it's rigged. There's too much money involved. So it's just, you know, it's just silly. Get a bag, get back, dude. Good for Jake Paul.

Good for Mike Tyson. Fuck all y'all. Good. I, I would have watched it anyway. Live from Netflix. It's all rigged. They're going to go eight rounds. Nobody's really going to get a hit. Here we go. How do you feel about your chances?

I said they're going to be absolutely fine because we're not, it's all rigged. I'm watching the whole thing, dude. I love it too. Cause Jake Paul's posting like, I won, I fucking did it. I, yeah, you did, dude. You won. You know who else won Tyson? You know who else won Netflix? You only lost if you got hoodwinked. We're all winners here.

You got to see something silly. And for free, by the way, it was live. I mean, it's already on your Netflix. Not like you're going to buy Netflix for that. Maybe you are. I don't know. You bought Netflix for that. Hoping a real knockout or real fight.

You got bigger probs. Um, Tyson just showed his ass fully, which was amazing. All right. Let's just watch a little of this dude. Just straight. You'll be great if you fucking do get out of it at the end. It's the music right there. Hold on.

I don't want the music here. So he says, okay, bye. Why is no one talking about that? He says, love you and kissed him. And then it was and Bro, it would be so dope if he shit right there if he just squatted and shit right there All right. Thanks for the interview. Bye, and then he just squatted down and took a shit Biggest Mike Tyson fan of all time then if that if that were to happen

What's his picture? You sent? Wow, eating McDonald's. So beautiful. Yeah, dude. What? I couldn't see it. I couldn't zoom in. No, I got it, I got it now. And everything's zoomed in now, so this is great, so I'm pissed. Everything's zoomed in. Great! Command zero? Didn't work. Great! Okay, now I'm zooming out there we go there we go command zero worked. Thirsty goose portable the world's most stylish urinal

don't let your body control you take control and pee with ease thirsty goose the perfect gift for the hard to buy for man. Find over 110,000 gluten free eateries worldwide with gluten free global app. Go to gluten free global.co that's gluten free global app. Go to gluten free global.co. Go to hollered up baby slash crystal. If you want to purchase a shout out or mini ad on this podcast. Yeah, dude. Um, this winter, take a trip to Tampa on Porter airlines. Enjoy the warm Tampa Bay temperatures and warm Porter hospitality on your way there. All Porter Fairs include beer, wine, and snacks and free fast streaming wifi on planes with no middle seats.

And your Tampa Bay vacation includes good times, relaxation, and great Gulf Coast weather. Visit flyporter.com and actually enjoy economy. Life and death were two very realistic coexisting possibilities in my life. I didn't even think I'd make it to like my 16th birthday to be honest. I grew up being scared of who I was.

Any one of us at any time can be affected by mental health and addictions. Just taking that first step makes a big difference. It's the hardest step. But CAMH was there from the beginning. Everyone deserves better mental health care. To hear more stories of recovery, visit CAMH.CA. the world because the way they play today shapes who they become tomorrow Melissa and Doug the play is pretend the skills are real look for Melissa and Doug wherever you shop for toys What was the thing about how Kaisen not they said the thing was. Hold on. Do you guys see that?

The what? Was it with Kodak? I'm putting it here. Uh, control V. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, oh yeah, this was it. They, they Twitch congratulated him and they said, they were like, yeah you don't have to be a ballplayer or a rapper now you can Twitch too or something. Like, eh? Stundef. Yeah, it was so weird. Now, it might as well said, now even if you like chicken and watermelon, you can stream. Like, dude, it's, let's see what that actually said the whole thing. He's the number one streamer, bro. And I saw like him taking, I'm like, what is it, Kaisen? And then I looked and it was like, it showed me a video of him taking a shower and a robot

watching him and I was just like, what, what the fuck, what the fuck, you know? Oh cool, Subathon. Here it is. Rap? No. Go to the league? No. Stream like Kaisenat. There it is. And then somebody said, Twitch being casually racist while congratulating Sakae Sanada on becoming the most subscribed streamer in the world that's that's you know be great if it was a black guy who did it too that'd be amazing but like I didn't mean to I don't know I'm opening up this window. Now I feel better. New studios hot too.

Yes, dude. At least we have air in it though, but it's not on because it's winter and my family needs to be warm. Okay. This was amazing here. Um, yeah, baby, this was amazing. You know, I talked about my, the Hawkeye and my last special.

And then also, um, they, they did this in New Zealand or what? And it's great because of the guy's reaction. Well, it's great because whenever someone does the haka, more people have to do it. Right? Can't, can't have one person do the haka. No, dude. The guy, General Brownlee, Jerry Brownlee. Everyone has to do it, dude. You don't have to do it. The guy General Brownlee, Jerry Brownlee.

Everyone has to do it, dude. You don't have to do it. They ripped it up. Just everyone else just waiting. Everyone else just, just, oh, the guy with the hat. Hello, my baby, hello, my darling, hello, my heart-tom-gal gal this is the hot guy the guy the guy a rodeo I would get up and do it with them even though I don't know the words look at them waiting dude schoolteacher just I'm gonna send her to the principal's office oh the way they wait dude oh dude guys guys guys guys guys here's me at the end the

house is suspended until the ringing of the bells the gallery is to be cleared can't stop doing hawkers can't stop hockey walkingkas. Can't stop haka-ing. Walking out haka-ing. Dude. Oh don't do that. Oh no you don't do that. Right here. Dude honestly, the most ill thing to do would be to, if you're ever worried about people doing hawkas around you, bring a fucking speaker with a loud, loud, like, just an option to play it very loud and play something else. There, figured it out. Hum na na, hum na na, or do it with it. Do it with them, dude.

And then be like, oh, we're still passing that bill anyway thanks for the party we're still passing that bill it likes thanks for doing that we're still passing that bill but it was really fun I don't know the words don't really know the sound like words to me but like I just screamed to anyway get out and we're not gonna do whatever it was you know you ripped up the paper, doesn't mean anything, it's symbolic, still got the real paper. Anyway, make sure you definitely put that bill through now, too many people were yelling. Strangely cool that dance, but whatever.

Don't care too much, still gonna pass that bill. The women look hot when they do it for some reason, and weird, weird fucking wide eyes. I kind of like it. Anyway, kink. Um, New Zealand's parliament was temporarily suspended after Maori lawmakers performed a haka, a traditional group dance, demonstrating the community's anger and fear over a bill that aims to reinterpret the country's founding treaty with the indigenous people dude okay uh the further thing that she said in hakenese before that

was before the song uh was oh kawanaka wakamanu wiritia koe iao which means oh governor government you're only but visitors here right there that first note honestly is the first note to the fucking lion king song and I don't you know I know that might be racist but it is true that's not the same it's not the same dude I love it I talked about the Hakka in my last special go die it's like Chris Lee calm you can get it but dude so many people hit me up and they were like yo it's actually not cool to make fun of it. Everything else is great, but you don't make fun of it. I was like, dude, no, it's actually cool.

It's cool to make fun of it. Thank you very much. Sayonara. Um, yeah. Some, look at this guy. This is actually a very cool way to protest as a historical shout out for them. Yeah dude, protesting, I don't know. I think it's cool to protest, but also after like it's over and it doesn't work, ah, you

know? Ah shit. You know? Ah fuck. Ah dude. Hell no! Hell no! Hell no! Ah fucking, did it work? No? Ah, fuck. Ah, dude. Hell no! Hell no! Hell no! Ah, fucking, uh, did it work? No?

Ah, fuck. Let's go to bed. Dude. I never really, I don't know, you know? Anyways, people saying it's so powerful. It's still gonna, it's still gonna pass that bill, you know? Oh, it's so powerful, yeah going to pass that bill, you know? Oh, it's so powerful. Yeah, it really was. Loved it. Yeah, it's still going to pass that bill. Yeah.

That's the best, dude. I was wonderful. Yeah, that's great as a culture. They can like come together and like always know the words to that song and like do all those dances and the guy with the hat was like waving it like he was like Dolly Parton. It was absolutely mentally awesome right still gonna pass that bill gonna shit all over the culture but like unbelievable how they did that right great love how they do that anyway the bills passing tomorrow I love that part where you're just in my right in my right whatever

So bills past say the bills past Do it with them, bro Somebody said this is how you fight for your people. Well, that's how we got to do it. You are here podcast with Mikey and Dove where personal growth meets real talk, whether you're in tough times or striving for personal growth, we want to remind you, you're not alone.

That's a holler there, holler.baby slash Kry slash crystal. If you want a mini ad or whatever. I do feel like the you're not alone. Shit helps. It is weird how that helps. I was thinking about that today. Actually, when I was in, dude, I just watched this thing on Instagram where it was like, this is what addiction is like. And it was like a drawing of a fucking bird just sucking up this yellow liquid and then it became yellow and it

Flew and it was like so high and then it crashed and then saw that dude I'm just like watching that fucking thing and I'm just like I every time that bird sucks that little yellow I'm like an asshole looking at my phone every time that bird drawing just sucks that little yellow the yellow It only is yellow for less and less time and the crash is harder And then before you know you can barely see the bird cause it's all fucking dark, dude. And I'm just like, man, that's so true. And I'm just like, man, and I'm watching, I'm like, oh dude, that's what

addiction is like. And I go, yeah, it's really resonates with me. And then I, then I put my phone down and I go like this anyway, what's for lunch. You know, how often do you see something that stops you dead in your tracks and then you, you, you's for lunch? You know? However do you see something that stops you dead in your tracks and then you change your life, right? Tough man, tough. No, that's great. Yeah, we're still gonna pass the bill,

but we really liked that you showed us your exercise or whatever. Amazing. Are you guys the same thing as the Rock? So anyway, I'm excited to do all these new dates. We got San Jose, never done it. Three hours away from Los Angeles. Oh, I got Irvine too coming up. I forgot I did dude. I got that fucking one in an oxen or that's the left-hand life Brea I have

Fresno Santa Rosa, where is it? California Tacoma. Hell. Yeah, my brothers Spokane These are all the other ones Portland Portland, Portland, Maine and Portland, Oregon. Hit them both with the, both Portland's. Cheyenne again, New York, Boston, Denver, Savannah, Georgia and Atlanta.

But that's the end of the episode. If you want the rest of it, go to Patreon, Patreon.com slash Chris Talia. And, you know, that's right. And then you can also get all the unlocked episodes. But welcome to the new studio. This is how it's gonna be from now on. And thank you very much. Good, good, good, good.