Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 420. Stack and Release

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris took Cal to see Sonic 3, had a nice Christmas despite American Airlines trying to mess it up, and has thoughts about Wicked, Jimmy Carter and more. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 𝕏 X: x.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey guys, what's going on? pause for the thing. I forgot. I thought we have to pause for that. I paused just you probably don't know because we cut it together, but I had to pause for the... Eh, it doesn't matter. You guys, hello? 420? Yeah, um It's the weed episode, right? I don't do weed. I don't do sticky icky. I don't do chocolate tie. I don't do the purple stuff.

I don't do, you know, whatever they call it nowadays. I don't do that stuff. And I do, however, do a, well, I didn't technically start my face routine for the night for at nighttime because look I'm a I'm a spring chicken I'm 44 but the deal is you know I agree I started looking older all right so there you have it there you go that's all good there you go and. And so I agree, I started looking older. So one time my friend told me you better start your face routine early because

prevention is the key. And I go, no. Right? Because I don't care that much. I'm a guy and doesn't matter that much. Okay? Because you know why? Because what I have on the inside is what counts, okay? Because, you know, I'm just a bundle of charisma and that's it. And I don't need to be like looking all so dope. But then when you start to go downhill, you go, oh, I actually, ha ha ha. So whoopsie, you go whoopsie, right?

And especially when you have bad bags under your eyes like me. And so you, whoopsie, right? And especially when you have bad bags under your eyes, like me, and so you, so I went, so I mentioned it. I just mentioned that I need maybe to start thinking about it. And of course, wifey goes, oh, a thing. And so she, you know, cause if you mentioned something,

sometimes to a female, they'll go, oh, hey, now that's my whole life, right? And so she got me, which was very sweet of her, face routine stuff for Christmas, right? Cause we celebrate Christmas because we're true Christians. And so I got that, okay? I open up the box and I go, oh that's awesome, all right? And there were like six things and I go, this sucks. I don't want to have to do six things before I go to

bed you know why it's gonna wake me up right because when I want to go to bed I want to do one thing sleep I don't want to get cream out right because it will wake me up and dude oh I don't want to get cream out and wait a second put it on my face What the most wakenest up spot on my body? Oh Wait, dude, there's under eye cream. Oh Dude, hey, you want to go to bed? Oh, here's your face routine cream in the eyes Hey, dude, I I wanna go to sleep though.

So I opened up the box, there's like six or seven things, you know, I mean, there's like eight things. And I'm like, oh, well, I went to go to bed. And I'm like shuffling into bed, you know, I'm trying to walk to bed, I just watched this bad movie. Um, David Sullivan is asleep on my couch and I, uh, and, and, and I'm going to bed and my, my wife is doing her do this, you know, her face thing and she says, Whoa, where are you going? And I said, I was so tired.

She said, you gotta do your face routine. And I'm like, Oh God, now I, I gotta do god now I I gotta do the gift I gotta do the gift you got me okay because this sucks because I'm so tired and it's gonna wake me up and I want to catch this sleep bus right I want to catch this sleep because you missed the sleep bus dude when you're when you're especially get older and you just ate ice cream and like two chocolate chip cookies and your legs are gonna start buzzing, you miss the sleep bus.

If you don't go to sleep when the sleep bus arrives. At 44 years old, half a cent, come on dude. So I'm getting, I'm like, babe, you know what? I can't, I gotta do it at night. I can't, I gotta do it in the morning. She's like, no, just do it now. I was like, no, I'm grateful you got the't, I gotta do it at night. I can't, I gotta do it in the morning. She's like, no, just do it now. I was like, no, I'm grateful you got the gift. I gotta do it in the morning, right?

And she's like, all right, well, we'll just do it tomorrow. She won't do it in the morning, I guess I don't know. So I say, all right, I go to bed, caught the sleep bus. Yes, all right, now here's the deal. Woke up, guess what? There's face wash. There's face wash I could use in the morning. I go like this, hey, all gravy, I'm good for that.

Take the face wash, put it on my face, in the shower, it's floral, smells too much to my liking, all good, then broke out. And I checked with her. I said, babe, do you do I so is it gonna be like this? And she says, No, you got to give it some time, you might break out a little bit, but it's got to get the under the under stuff out. And then it'll go away eventually. And I'm like, do I have the time? And I go, yeah, I have the time because it gives a gives a crap, right? Hey, dude,

hey, who gives a crap rash on your forehead. Hey, dude. Who gives a crap so So that's where I am nowadays right that's where I am we are in The all well when does this come out the year are we in the year 2025? Wow, we are in the year 2025 dude. Happy New Year Wow, we are in the year 2025 dude. Happy New Year So annoying when they do it I don't want I don't you know I would say probably for me the stress most stressful time of my Liz I've all year is My is the new year because there's so much anticipation. It's not like you know going to Vegas right? It's not like oh here comes my I guess it could be like a birthday but it's like oh here's another year where you got to get your shit

together that's what it is. It's not a birthday it's even worse because everyone's getting their shit together at the same time. January 1st. Now we don't do resolutions right? We don't do them here and if we do we keep it to ourselves right? Because just do what you're gonna do if we do, we keep it to ourselves, right? Because just do what you're gonna do the day you're gonna do it. Don't wait January 1st, okay? So they've talked about that before on this podcast a hundred times. So I get stressed. I get stressed, bro. I get stressed on the new year, man.

I really do because there's too much frinkin anticipation for the moment. Oh, and the ball drops, I was in a panic attack. Okay, my dream to go, my dream, my honestly, my dream, and you know, now that I have kids a little different, but my dream, my dream, and I've said this before, I think of this podcast, I may be not, but I, it's like to go on January, on December 31st. I want to drive.

I just want to start driving on, uh, at like, I guess nine30 and go. Right? I want to put duct tape over the clock in my car. I don't want to look at my cell phone and I just want to drive for what I think is five hours. And I want to guess. I want to see if I can get, cause I'm in the middle of nowhere.

I want to guess to see if I can guess when the, when the ball drops and not because I see fireworks, because I feel it, dude, because that, and I just, I can guess when the ball drops. And not because I see fireworks, because I feel it, dude. Because that... I just... I can't... I don't want it to be like with the whole... Three! Two! Anytime people are like that, I get so nervous, bro. And not because of, you know, terrorism, which, you know, I get it. But like, I just... I don't want any countdowns, man. I'm like super no countdown guy.

Can we just party, dude? You're ruining the party. What the fuck is countdown? Everyone's having a good time, you know? Jim's about to get sucked, and we gotta stop and countdown? Bro, this is premium sucking time. Are you kidding me? 1159? That's premium sucking time.

We got an eight, seven, six, five. Damn it, dude. Oh hell yeah, baby. Oh yeah, it's premium sucking time. We got a four. Oh, well hold on sweetheart. Three, two, premature. Oh, I ruined it.

One, happy new year. Yay. And then, and then, and then. Just wet spot on your jeans. Then, then, yeah, then, then. Just still feeling it. Yeah, then. Oh, I can't go that high. Yeah, then. Still feeling it. Yeah. Oh, I can't go that high.

Yeah. Still doing it. Start off the year with a freaking Torgasm. Dude. Uh, but it's, uh, you know, it is, it, you know, it's the new year. What are your resolutions? Throw them out the window.

Just be you. You know what I'm talking about, dude? Go to the gym, get healthy. I gotta get going. I gotta get jumping on these boxes, man. Gotta get jumping on these boxes. Hold your boxes. Um, 2025 was cool.

He hopes for humanity in 2025. Uh, let's see. Hopes for humanity in 2025. Hope they, uh, I hope we, uh, figured out. Let's go to a different planet, huh? Let's just see what's up with the different planets. You know what I'm saying? I'll be in Fresno, San Luis Obispo, Covina,

I'm coming up at the Covina Laugh Factory, I'll be there, California, Santa Rosa, Stockton, California, Tacoma, Washington, Spokane, Washington, Peoria, Illinois, Dubuque, Iowa. What are these places? Amarillo, Texas. What are these places? Lubbock, Texas. What are these places? Portland, Oregon, Cranston, Portland, Maine, Denver, a bunch of different places. So go to chrisley.com get tickets. Yes, dude. Heck yeah, man. In that mason.

So we did Christmas and because we're true Christians. Okay. And we say Merry Christmas and now white, now that Trump's in office, they go white guys, they go like this. Oh hell yeah, dude. We could say, Oh hell yeah. We could say Merry Christmas unabashedly. We could go like this. Hey, Hey, Merry Christmas.abashedly. We could go like this, hey, hey,

Merry Christmas, fuck the other holidays. We go like this, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Merry Christmas. We look to people who are not Christian and we say hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Merry Christmas. And they go, what? But what about, and we go, no.

We go, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, look at here, look at look here look here look here Merry Christmas I don't care about anything about that I don't care about happy holidays or Merry Christmas it's all made up in no matter why yes dude it's all made up it's all made up all of it it's all of it unless like you know you know come to think of it we don't even really celebrate the really good ones, you know, like the, the, the, the, the times where people have like, I mean, I guess the Jesus one is good, right?

But besides that, we don't really celebrate the ones that are off the hook are the ones that are absolute bullshit, right? Well, like, like, what's the one, St. Patrick's Day? Just like, okay, you're Irish. You're Irish all year. I just do it, you know? And excuse me, I don't know.? You don't just get out there and start Or Cinco de Mayo or whatever say hey guys just fucking get out there, you know You don't need an excuse man, you know, you're Mexican just get

Your impala's and just fucking You can just get, man, you're impolizin' just fuckin' cruel. Ha ha ha ha ha. You know, the ones, I guess there's some off the hook holidays though, right? Christmas is off the hook. You know, I think Thanksgiving, even though it started as a bloodshed, it's kinda off the hook,

cause you get it together with family. Halloween's a little bit off the hook because, you know, once you have kids, it's like, all right. But so we had Christmas and Calvin's at the age where he's four and a half. Well, he's almost five and Billy is almost two. And Kristen is 32 and I'm 44 and we well first we went to Arizona you know what I'll tell you this man American Airlines you're not usually the ones I'm saying get this shit together but dude sup with computers crashing hey no the whole when their system crashes dude hey airlines when you're hey don't hey get a chalkboard

dude air airlines get a big fucking chalkboard okay have humans on it design all the flights don't let the system crash, all right? Get a fucking whiteboard, American Airlines. The computer crashed, and here's the other thing, dude, when you delay a flight and then that's the secret, that's the secret, like when they delay the flight and they go, let's just, you know, let's say, look, it takes off at, it's supposed to take off at 8 30 a.m. Just make it 9 30. Just delay it an hour. They'll come to the airport and then we'll delay it a little bit more. We know, we know the truth. The flight's going to be at 5 45 p.m. Right? Or check this out, canceled. Right?

I don't buy this. I don't fucking buy. How does an airline not know that it's... Dude, when an airline says, hey, not 830, 930, and then says psych 12, you know they knew. You know they knew. You know they knew. Well, what planes they use it?

What planes are they using? They have all their planes. They're going into places or they go, oh, we got to rework it. And then they rework it and then it's fixed. But they don't rework it. And then they go, ah, fuck, like there's somebody, George, George fucked up right, you're using that plane for Tacoma. No, dude, give me the real time. Delay it once, there's no reason why, unless it's, you know, there's a storm that's doing some crazy erratic shit, but if a computer crashes or an airplane's late,

use the other plane, get the real time. crashes or an airplane's late, use the other plane, get the real time. Don't tell me bullshit times until I'm so hungry, eating fucking, you know, a smash burger at gate five. In terminal four, gate B, whatever the fuck, I don't know even how it works, you know. But I, you know, it's so annoying. And so American Airlines go like this, yo, psych. Hey, dude, hey, you got your ticket, psych, you don't.

We're changing it. And I go, all right, fuck. They changed it an hour later. Yes, they change it an hour later after that. After that, they did an hour and a half later. Do a good thing I didn't go to the airport already. And then they changed it to 730 and I go, it's Christmas Eve, man. After that, after that, they should do an hour and a half later. Do a good thing I didn't go to the airport already. And then they changed it to seven 30 and I go, it's Christmas Eve, man. I don't want to hit Santa on the way home.

We'll be in the air too. So I'm like, well, fuck. I'm getting out of this America airline shit. I'm going on Southwest and I just got Southwest tickets and I got a whole row. Me and my family. And I was like, I'm not doing, I'm not doing it because we're going to cancel the flight. I'm not out of this America Airlines shit. I'm going on Southwest and I just got Southwest tickets and I got a whole row. Me and my family and I was like, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it because we're going to cancel the flight. I'm not doing it. So I got the last flight out.

Hopefully, we don't hit Santa or any of his reindeer. And we got on the Southwest flight, got home, missed my aunt's party because of fucking American Airlines lying to us about the times. Not telling us the real time. Tell me the real time. I hang out with Chris's family more in Phoenix tell me the real time I won't be stressed out they know what's up but Arizona's ballin' dude. They just, they're ballin'. I went there. Hmm. Um, and then we came home and we, we, we did Christmas here. And, uh, Santa came.

Cause, uh, my kids were good boys. Okay? Uh, and he brought them some stuff they wanted okay and it was it is crazy to see Christmas now that my son is fully like not you know he still says stuff like, you know, we were watching Bad Santa the other day and he saw the, the, the, the, uh, short person, the midget guy. And he was like, Hey, uh, how did they, how did they make the guy, how did they make, um, that grown up into, into a boy? You know, and I was like, uh, okay, well, you don't really get life yet. Right?

He said, how do you make that grownup into a boy? And I said, what? He said, don't want the brown face. And I was like, okay, well, you don't get what you can and can't say. And you know, and he didn't like create, they didn't, I don't know what he thought. Like they just shrunk a man, right?

But so now I'm like, oh, well, fuck, how the hell do I explain this? How did they make that grownup into a boy? And, oh, well, fuck, how the hell do I explain this? How did they make that grown up into a boy? And I said, well, uh, you know, the. You, uh, you got to. So some grownups are, I'm sorry, some people are born and they just don't get that big. Anyway, I got to go.

No, I told him that that's what happens when you lie. And so, but no, I just, I don't, I don't know. I feel like I've heard that joke before. Is that another comedian's joke? That's what happens when you lie? I don't know.

So, against joke. That's what happens when you lie. I don't know. Um, uh, so, you know, I, I just, he doesn't really know what's up, but this is the fully, fully, he's almost five. So fully he gets that Santa's coming, right? And then he was like, he was like, Santa's coming. We gotta get to bed. This is hilarious. It's the only time, the only time all year he's like, we gotta get to bed. He's like, we gotta get to bed, we gotta get to sleep. I don't wanna see, he's like, I don't wanna see Santa. Okay?

And I was like, how come? He's like, I just don't wanna see him. I want him to just leave the presence. Dude, he's like a little me. He's like, I don't want, you know I don't wanna see him. I'm like, why? Well, I don't wanna see him because I want him to just leave the, I don't wanna be sleeping when he's here him like why but I don't want to see him because I'm just leave the Pant I'll be sleeping when he's here. I was like, okay, you will be like, okay

So we went to sleep what we did it we went to sleep and then you know how we had to I mean we went to sleep at like 4 a.m. Because we had to do a bunch of shit you know what I mean, ah wink right and Not not not the eat. Oh, you know what I'm talking about, we didn't eat, oh, but you know what I'm talking about. You're putting this stuff together, right? And so, so we went to bed,

I woke up at 10, 15, dude, both of my kids still sleeping, and I'm like, what the fuck? It's Christmas, dude. Why do I, uh, when I was a kid, I had to shh. Come on. Hey, come on. It was like, I w I w I worked at fucking, uh, a butcher shop.

I'm like, all right, next, who's next? Like, let's go, let's go. Like, come on, Ma, we gotta get downstairs to see if Santa Claus came. My dad made up this thing that Santa Claus, my dad would always make up this thing, that Santa Claus got hurt and his brother Ponte Claus had to come do everything.

And he was really nervous about how it might not. Dude, this is how it got so crazy, dude. My dad every year would be like, you know, this year. This year something happened with Santa. I was like, what? Like, yeah, something happened. He got hurt. And his brother Ponte Claus has to,

like Santa's parents would hurt and his brother Ponte Claus has to, like, like, like, like Santa's parents would name his other brother Ponte if his name, it's like, you know, I know Santa's a stupid name, but like Ponte, dude? Fuck, he didn't make a Ponte Claus for. And so I'm like, oh, you gotta do, so, okay, so he's like, so Ponte Claus is gonna do it this year and I'm not sure he's gonna get it right. And I'm like, fucking, I gave to do, so, okay, so he's like, so Ponte Claus is going to do it this year, and I'm not sure he's going to get it right.

And I'm like, fuck it, I gave the list to Santa, dude. Did Santa transfer the files over to Ponte? Because like, he'd be like, I think so, I don't know. I think my dad, now that I think of it, I think he would do that just in case he missed something, he'd be like, yeah, it's because Ponte Claus had to do it. That's why he didn't get Optimus Prime. Ponte fucked up.

But so anyway, it's the way my kids came down the stairs. Christ, it was so awesome. They ran down and they go, what? Calvin says, this is exactly what I wanted. And I'm just like, wow, that feeling is insane. It's the best Christmas ever. That's, that's the best. I mean, I guess it was so awesome when you were kids, cause you like come down

and be like, what does magic and all that shit, but like the magic changes when you're an adult into this feeling of. it changes when you're an adult into this feeling of wholeness. And then, you know, because I'm, dude, I have the most, the other day I had the most intrusive thoughts where all day, you know what, dude, stand up is like a cure for me sometimes. All day, I couldn't stop thinking, Oh this is great dude, this is great. I woke up, it wasn't a dream, okay? It wasn't, I woke up during a dream. I woke up and I imagined myself as I'm waking up, man this is how crazy I am, holding a knife and stabbing it into my own chest.

Hey. God, you doing? Hey, me, sup, hey, my brain is going on. All right. Ah, dude, you know what? Because I first did my third. I thought about what if I just fucking, like how much would it hurt, you know? And then I thought about Junior, who's the guy who did it? Junior Sao or something?

It was the guy who stabbed him, shot himself in the chest. The football player because he wanted to make sure people studied his brain for whatever, whatever that happened, you know? And so the whole day I'm thinking of stabbing myself in the chest. So that's really, really healthy. So I was like the whole day, I'm thinking of stabbing myself in the chest, so that's really, really healthy. So I was like the whole day, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Yeah, that's awesome, dude, yes.

Driving to Brea to do shows, couldn't stop thinking about it. Finally, I texted my wife, dude, I can't stop thinking of stabbing myself in the chest, and she goes, obviously calls me because that just doesn't, I'm like, no, I don't mean I'm gonna do it. I mean, I just like, it's this intrusive thought

because dude my OCD has been getting better dude and my body is like come on no not my body my OCD is like yo you're not gonna be doing the stuff because finally the medication started to kick in after like a year it took a year I got to talk to my doctor about this because it took a year and now I'm finally feeling like good. But my thoughts are like, hey dude if you're not gonna be doing all the rituals, you're gonna be at least thinking about stabbing yourself in the heart all day. And I go, yeah god it's like, you know, I'm like so now I'm thinking about stabbing myself in the heart all day going to do stand-up comedy. Nobody knows I'm thinking about stabbing myself in the heart all day, going to do stand up comedy.

Nobody knows I'm thinking of this. Showing up with, Hey, what's up guys? Hey, see Denny Love and Ken Flores was doing the show too. Who's awesome. Uh, Hey guys, Hey, just fucking re re re myself and, uh, do the shows. Finally, after the shows, I realized, Whoa, I haven't thought about stabbing myself in the shows. Finally after the shows I realized whoa I haven't thought about stabbing myself in the heart for like three hours and I go stand up, need you. Stand up, you do what Prozac doesn't. Hey, Stand up! You do what 80 milligrams of Prozac doesn't. Stand up. Talk to your

doctor about stand up. Side effects including feeling bad about yourself and bombing. Side effects include eating shit up there. Side effects include going like this. So what else is going on when there's cricket? Side effects include scanning the audience for faces that make you feel better about yourself. Side effects include looking for pretty women in the audience. Oh, there are none? Oh, I'll still do good anyway. Side effects include... Side effects include stabbing yourself in the chest. Side effects include... Anyway, the Christmas was good. RIP Jimmy Carter, huh? 100? Bro, I saw a picture of Jimmy Carter.

I go like this. Oh no. Dude, I never... First of all, I have to be... I don't mean to be funny. I didn't know he was still alive, okay? Like, that's shitty. I get it. But that's also kind of like... You know, that's kind of what you want as an older, famous guy. That's kind of what you want.

You want people to forget about you your last 20 years of life, because that means you're old enough to where you're just chilling, doing whatever the fuck you want. You're having to work you're just you know i mean dude i saw the picture he was just in a chair like this you know and that's living right just gray as fuck grayed out just and um so i'm like uh so that's that's i used to be like who the I used to be like, who the, I used to be like, who, you know, I didn't understand when grownups would be like, man, I hope I don't live too long. Just, you know, take me out when I'm like 85 or whatever. And I'm like, nah, dude, I want to live as long as I could.

I used to think that even on this podcast, I used to think that, but bro, now I'm like, I don't, do I want to be a hundred, dude? And like my kids have to be worrying for 10 years? Just get it over with, you know? At like 80, I don't know, 90? I mean, I know that's, you know, but we're gonna live longer and longer and longer, right? I don't know.

Unless we could do the bionic shit where I'm half robot and then live forever, you know? That's fine. Then I'm in. Then I'm in. But the robot's gonna have to do the heavy lifting, right? Because I'm gonna be too tired. Umm... I don't know, you know, it's like it is what it is. Oh, drink the unmistakably clean taste of Bergwater cut from the 15,000 year old glaciers of Greenland seen in GQ and 2 Chainz most expensive shit. Buy a bottle on amazon.com. Shaka collectibles brings you Funko pop collectible figures for the whole family. Shaka collectibles.com.

Hang loose from our babies. That is a thing that you, I, that's a, those are hollers and you can get those, uh, get a, uh, a shout out or kind of like a mini ad there. Go to holler.baby slash crystal Lee. If you want to purchase one, uh, on this podcast. Yeah. Uh, yeah, I went to, um, I went to, uh, on the, um, I had to do, my buddy asked me to do this private gig.

Sounds kinky, but it's not, um, like a corporate gig in town in LA. And you know, you get paid well. So I was like, all right, I'll just come. He's like, you just got to 15 minutes. I was like, where is it? And he said Delilah. And I'm like, Oh, okay. Trainwreck central.

That's going to, I mean, that's a fucking place where you go to do blow. Right. That's a place where you go, where you go, Hey, I've never done cocaine. You know what? I'm going to go to Delilah's. Hey, I want to try Coke. I want to try Coke. I want to try Coke. I want to try, you know, Hollywood is like the you think of Hollywood, right?

You go. Hmm. Hollywood, you think Brad Pitt, uh, Hollywood and Sunset, yeah, the Delilah right now, that's like you go where you have your first gay experience or you you do coke for the first time or or just go and do coke regularly or go and fuck the same sex regularly. And so I'm like they're gonna do the thing it's like some gold company or something some company that I don't know they fucking are probably shady, right?

And I have no idea what it is. I have no idea. I'm joking. I don't know if they're shady or not. They're not, but Hey, they gave me the money. So they go, we go to, um, we go to, I, I, I'm like, all right, I'll show up for, for, for the money. I'll show up at, at, you know, and we'll do 15 minutes.

It might be a train wreck because it's not, you know, they always want to put comedy in places where they're just, comedy has no business being, right? Like the worst place for comedy is a party. Like the worst. Worse than doing comedy at like a library or Walgreens, you know why because at least in Walgreens or a library Everyone's not trying to fuck each other Hey, dude, you know what the biggest hurdle to get over as

A comedian is guys trying to get their dick wet in the audience. At fucking 10 p.m. All right, so I get there at 11, it shows up. The music is so loud and everyone is on Coke. I mean, dude, it's Coke Central. It's the nucleus of Coke. And I'm like, oh, it's going to suck. I do 15 minutes. Let me just get the bag and leave. So I go to the back room.

I was like, so I'm going to do comedy here, huh? And they're like, yeah, I was like, all right, just get it over. So the first guy goes on. You know, great comic, he goes on and they're just not listening. It has nothing to do with him. It's just the vibe of the show. I'm next. May the stage.

Here's a few things that are terrible. Okay. There's a bar. First of all, period, but it's facing the other way. Oh, everyone is standing. But it's facing the other way. Oops. Everyone is standing. Oops. The people who aren't standing have their arms around the people they're trying to fuck.

Oops. Half the people have sunglasses on. Oops. Everyone's on coca-lups. The stage is the same level as the floor ups. And the speakers are on stands ups. All of it a debacle. All of it, booths-ups.

OK, people sitting down so comfy-ups. Might as well have been in beanbag chairs, all right? Might as well have been in beds. So I got to go on. Crowd is not listening. And talking loudly. And on coke. And facing the other way. And trying to fuck each other. Whoops! So I'm like, let's get this over with. You know what? It's not even the place where you bomb. It's a place where you just go and just talk, and it's not bombing because nobody's paying attention.

You only bomb when people are paying attention. And they go, ugh. You're not bombing when you're talking and people are ignoring you. You're just talking to no one. So I go on, I'm like, fuck this, they're all coming down with me. I start bringing people on stage. They start kind of paying attention

and certain part of the room is laughing. I do 15 minutes, I'm like, that's my time, get off stage. Oh, I forgot, before I even went went on stage and we turn the heat off it's right outside here right outside I before I get on stage I think I like this because it's supposed to be the opening comic me yeah just click it off. Jim Jefferies and then Donnell Rawlings. Okay, that's the lineup. And I'm like, thank God I get to go second, okay? As I go to take the stage, the show's going so badly,

no knock on the comedy, that's why I'm not mentioning him, because it wasn't his fault. It was just a horrible room to get up there and start doing stand up for it. And, uh, so he, uh, as he's on stage, I'm next. The, the, the, the person who put the show together says, Hey, so after you, the show's going to be over. Huh? She says after you the show's gonna be over so you can just close it out.

Hey, sup with Jim Jeffries though. Sup with Donnell. No, it's all good. This was a bad idea. Just go up and then and then that'll be it. Oh fuck, huh? And I said, I gotta go up. They're still gonna pay Jim Jeffries and Donnell.

And I go, and she's like, I don't know. And I was like, fuck it, I'll go up. I don't give a shit. I just, at the level of don't give a fuck, at this point in my career is so awesome. It's why I'm funnier now. But like, dude, I just don't give a fuck. And I went on stage and I actually did fine for the thing. But like, I got off stage and then they did fine for the thing, but like I

got off stage and then they brought up Donald Rollings because they were like Yeah, he wants to go on anyway. I'm like he does He's a fucking nut job It was so awful, but who cares Who cares about anything I just like who cares? But my God, they were all on coke. Oh, hey, TKG, you and your girlfriend are coming to see me in Covina in January. Surprise! Merry freaking Christmas. There you go. Oh, uh, Hey TKG, you and your girlfriend are coming to see me in Covina in January. Surprise!

Merry freaking Christmas. There you go. Enzo Miano, your brother Dominic misses you. Hop on the game sometime. So cryptic. Uh, holler.baby slash crystallia. Uh, so I, uh, I went to, uh, we actually, we went to the movies. Man, dude, Kristen does this thing where like, we're watching Christmas movies during Christmas

and that's cool, we should, watching Christmas movies is great. And then you're like, hey, you're doing a puzzle or something? And she'll be like, just throwing a Christmas movie. I throw it in. I'm like, oh, Home Alone 2. I'm like, oh, I want to watch Home Alone 2. I put it on and she goes, hey, we can't watch this. And I was like, why? She says, because we don't watch the first one.

And I said, yeah, you did when you were eight. All good. Just wanna, just throwing it on. She was like, no, Calvin didn't see the first one. And I was like, how does it not give a fuck? Dude, Calvin watches like YouTube videos of like full on Japanese people in a wig and they're not I don't even know if they're speaking English like he can deal with hey wait what

happened Home Alone 1 he doesn't give a fuck I just I just want to see the one in the city and she was like no and I And I'm like, alright. So we had to watch Home Alone 1. And but anyway, so we say to Calvin, we're like, yo, you want to go see what movie you want to go see? Wicked or Sonic 3? And I'm like, she's going to say we have to go to Wicked because Calvin didn't see Sonic 1 and 2.

And we play the trailer for Wicked and we play the trailer for Sonic 2. No, I don't want to see, I want to see Wicked because the musical was awesome. The fucking interviews. Look, Ariana Grande is a talent. She's great. She, the trailer, she looks funny. She looks good. I think she's great. The other woman, uh, the two of them in press junkets, conference, they got to

shut the... hey, haha, all good. Stop touching each other and feeling everything, okay? So I don't want to see the movie because of that, but I will see it because I bet it's good, alright? I watched Wicked, I say, do you want to see that? And Calvin's like, I don't know. We want to see Sonic 3 halfway through, not even halfway through, 10 seconds into Sonic 3, Calvin says, let's see this one. So we go to see Sonic 3 and on the way to Sonic 3, we're with Calvin, Billy, Billy's first movie and we're with Calvin and he says, Calvin says, this is so crazy. And I said, what?

And he says, we're literally going to see a movie about me. And I was like what and he says I'm Sonic I was like oh cool and he was Sonic for a whole day we went to go see the movie and he loved it and he's doing this thing where he like stands like Sonic where he's like, you know, Calvin does it. He goes with his rank, with his foot up. And he thought it was so funny when I told him that Jim, that the guy who plays the egghead or Dr. Robotnik is also the guy who plays Ace Ventura, like blew his mind.

And I was like, he's also in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. He didn't know what that was, but. I was like, dude, he's in that horror movie, 23. He's like, what's that? And he's in the, I was like, he's in the one where he plays the guy who, is this the fucking one with the...

whatever, who cares? um... but so... uh... we did Sonic and then we went to go meet Santa afterwards and dude it was... my heart

like, I know, I know, dude, I can't really, I can't really take it, you know what I'm saying? It's like the way Calvin looks at fucking Santa, dude, and he's like waving at him from eight feet away. And it's like, dude, hey, you don't have to wave at somebody if you're that close, right? Like, just say, hey, but he's fucking waving. He's waving because he's eight feet away, getting ready to take a picture with Santa. And he's fucking waving like he's on a boat.

Looking at someone on the dock, dude, and it's like, just say hi, you know? And Billy is screaming, right? So it's like, all right, this is really weird because if you think about it, you don't wanna traumatize your kids, right? And you're also lying to them about the whole thing, right? So Kevin is like, I'm like, just go ahead, walk up to him

and you're gonna say hi. And he was like, walks up and he says, hey, how are you, Santa? And he was, hi. He says, what do you want for Christmas? And he tells them, I don't know what the fuck he wants. Kids make shit up. They're just like, a flying wooden,

camera that takes pictures. Yeah. Oh, I'll see what I can do. Oh, a flying wooden camera that takes pictures and I can, and, you know, and make sandwiches, oh, you're dreaming kid. And so, um, that's not a thing. I would be the worst Santa. Oh, no. Next. That's me. And so, he's good. He's not upset at all. He's a little shy, but that's fine. He's a little shy. He goes and sits and then we put Billy on and Billy's screaming and we took a picture. We got the obligatory, you know, Billy screaming pic and Calvin's in there doing Sonic.

Just Sonic the Hedgehog meets Santa. And then we leave and then, dude was just it was just too much man it's all too much it's so nice thanks life you know what I'm saying hey life hey thanks life did I used to be on the road and I used to just you know look my the way I was living was make money get you know how it goes, if I was too buck I would say it, but I don't, I don't call women bitches unless I'm at the hospital once and the lady, the 70 year old told me to slow down when my wife had a concussion. I called her a bitch and I'm sorry, but you know, I did do that.

So you know, make money, get, and I wouldn't say it, but I do, I did say it, make money get and then what I called that woman at the hospital when I was driving and she told me to slow down even though I wasn't sure if my wife was going to live because she's got a concussion because she fell off a ladder because she was decorating for Christmas for some reason, even though I told her we would get a guy to do it. She said no. And she thinks she, cause she was a world-class gymnast when she was 12 that she could be on a ladder and jokes on her.

She fucking fell straight to her head. So anyway, and not to make it about me, but it, you know, it disrupted my night, but whatever. I, so, uh, so my shit used to be make money get that word, right? Bitches. And so, and that was my lifestyle, dude. That was my lifestyle. And you know, yeah, I would use,

like it was drugs, I would use. And I was like, man, dude, hey, I will go like this. I'd wake up in fucking, you know, Colorado Springs and I'd go. Thanks, life. You know, I just would. I would say it out loud because I'm a crazy person, dude. Hey, I would say it out loud, because I'm a crazy person, dude. Hey, I would say it out loud. I would wake up in fucking Baltimore, maybe not Baltimore, but Baltimore, something. I would wake up, no Baltimore, dude.

I played at Casino in Baltimore once, was off the hook. And had a time afterwards and I go I'd wake up in Baltimore thanks life anyway let's get to Arlington then wake up in Arlington thanks life dude I would, you know what? I should have called my tour, Thanks Life. And, I mean, I'm talking about, I would beef just consumed with stacking and draining. You know I'm talking about? Just stacking and emptying out. You know what I'm talking about. I'm not gonna get too crass but stacking and releasing stack and release

Stack boing boing boing boing boing release up right That was what I was a consumer and I would wake up In fucking That was what I was consumed with and I would wake up in fucking I'm a Rio, Texas. Thanks life dude with just socks on And I'm like this is it bro 36 this is it 34 figured it out Thanks life and then You know I had kids and I'm just like Life And I'm just like Life

What I guess this is how it's supposed to be but Actually, thanks now Because oh Man I would I would I would give Everything I Oh man, I would, I would, I would give everything. I mean that the wave from my son to Santa eight feet away is the, it's, you know what it is, dude? It's about to come. To take a word from pumping iron Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's about to come. To take a word from pumping iron Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's about to come.

It is the most ultimate thanks life. So my God. And I just go, this is great. Let's get home Sonic and knuckles because that's what Calvin wants him to be. Knuckles Billy to be knuckles. And, and, and I'm, and mommy's tails and I'm fucking dr. egghead of course I gotta be the bad guy you know but that's fine I use Jim Carrey so I love him yeah anyway try not to get emo on this podcast, but it's like, sometimes that's where it takes

you, you know, sometimes that's where it takes you. My voice is all better and all that shit. Meredith Stevens, be Rachel's made of honor. You've been a fan, I guess, since around 2016 and you saw me live five times. So there you go. Meredith Stevens, would you be Rachel's made of honor? There you go. Uh, it's a shout out there on hollering up ABSX, Chris Telia.

Um, what do you get for... Dude, I realized when I was uh... I just said to my... like I would... you know what I did for... Fuck dude, that shit's hurt for too long now. It's got to be better. I did a... what do you call it? Um, I, I, I did this thing this year where I go, cause I always do this. December 1st comes around and I think, okay, I should have already gotten my Christmas presents, but now I got to do it. And then I don't do it. And that's the end of the sentence. I don't do it. I don't do it. And that's the end of the sentence. I don't do it.

I don't get gifts. And then December 27th comes along and I go, okay, I get some stuff and print some shit out, you know, and just be like, this is what I got you. Or, you know. And this year, I actually, I went like this, hey, December 1st, why don't you come along? I ain't doing shit.

I'm getting one gift and it's for my wife. That's all I'm doing. And everyone else, you can hate me now, bong bong. You can hate me now, bong bong. You can hate me now, bong bong. You can hate me now, bong bong. You can hate me now. And I bet my wife does everything and she did it. She got everything. And I said, I didn't get any, I only got one gift to her and she said,

it's okay, you have a wife, you know, and she did it all. And I go, oh man, life. But I did, I got stuff for the kids obviously and her. But, yeah, she got me this cool jacket and the face stuff and some other stuff. Can you see my, I guess it's not really rashy anymore. It was yesterday or two days yesterday. I don't remember I gotta use the guy because they swear by retinol you guys use retinol retinol. Let's look it up

Retinol so he spell it retinol retinol cream Retinol a form of vitamin a is an ingredient added to skin cream, lotions and serums. It is anti-aging. It has anti-aging effects and can help clear acne. Products containing retinol are widely available over the counter and stronger concentrations of retinoids are available by prescription. And I have some now. So, and you can use it every day, but you got to, I don't know.

It's like a little weird because you got to use it first, like twice a week, which means it's definitely burning the shit out of you. You know, what age should you start using retinal? It says late twenties, early thirties. Cool. Perfect timing for me. That's great. That's great. How long does it take for retinal to work? Bear in mind, you may not see the results overnight. Of course not, dude. Snake oil. It'll take about three, six months of consistent nightly application. Dude, I'm going to be, dude, what's this new thing where I wake up at 6 AM for an hour and a half? Hey, fuck you, dude.

for an hour and a half. Hey, fuck you, dude. I want to go back to sleep. And I just can't? I was already doing the thing. Let me just get back to it. You know? What the fuck is that, body? I have always said this. Humans should just come with a fucking how have we not developed into uh like evolution is is is really amazing dude right i mean amazing we learned to walk upright whoever would even thought about that y'all crawling on all fours and then all of a sudden without even thinking about it over years and years and millions of years you just are like wait a second and you're walking upright and now you can walk upright your body's different you're not hunched over you know the women with tits just fucking hanging crawling on all fours with the

rump all out they go I'm gonna stand. So guys stop fucking me all the time. And guys are like, I'll stand up too. Fuck it. Let's have a conversation. And, and, and we just evolved from like tadpoles to fucking me, dude, to me, a guy with a 10 inch cock. What? How? We've evolved from a tadpole to a guy with an 11 inch cock?

Not really, dude. Right? Obviously I'm joking. It's not 11. And... And but we did, we evolved fucking from a tadpole to a guy with a six inch cock. That's crazy, dude. And two great big balls, medium balls, right? And it's just like an anus, dude, you know, like we went from a tadpole to a guy who shits out of his anus on a on a seat. Watching, you know, on his on his iPhone, just fucking, you know, stinking up the joint. We went from a tadpole to a guy with an anus

shitting watching an iPhone. That's how we evolved, right? And you know, I mean, talk about that. Also animals too. Wings? Hey dude, first of all, I don't even wanna get into it, but how the fuck do we not have wings, dude? It's been millions of years. Let's get wings, right?

You know what advantageous that would be humans? Let's get wings. What's up? Hey, sup? Where my wings at? Alright, but we don't have them, but maybe in four million years we might have like the beginnings of some wings or whatever, one wing fly around in a circle. But sleep is like one of the most important things, more important than having wings. The fact that we don't have just like a switch, an on off switch, how do we not evolve to just be like, got to go to sleep? be like, gotta go to sleep. See you in eight. Or for me, see you in ten. Or how would we evolve, how we not evolve past not needing sleep? This sleep thing fucking sucks. You wake up at 6 a.m. you got to be up for a half, an hour and a half. Just like this. Just waiting. Can't look at your phone, you wake up more. Can't call your wife, you go like this. And you get pissed off.

So it's like, oh look, it's 52 Ultra Star Retinal. The question of whether it's too late to start retinal is answered with a firm no. Hell yeah, dude. Oh dude, we starting. We're taking over. One retinal at a time. We're taking over. All right. Thanks very much.

I will be in Covina. I will be in Fresno. I will be in St. Louis, Obispo. I'll be in Denver. I'll be in Atlanta. Go get tickets at christenleah.com. Thank you very much.