Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 422. Get The Bad People

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

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RUNK! Alright, what's up everyone? Welcome to another episode of Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! So here we are.

It is, I am in, well, I'm not in Los Angeles, I'm in Los Angeles-ish kind of way. In a way, I'm like an hour away. I'm in Los Angeles ish kind of way in a way. I'm like an hour away, 40 minutes. And it is just on fire and wasn't able to do, I know Super Good Channel wasn't able to do a Lifeline episode last week. That's because we just couldn't get there because of the fires and it was insane.

I am able to do congratulations because we got power back in the house. We did not have power for two days. Uh, and we were, you know, in the beginning it was, we were, it was nerve racking cause we weren't sure what, what deck was going to go on and I, uh, am. Uh, I, I, I don't, it's still going on. You know, the winds are the Santa Ana winds need to stop. Somebody needs to get on the Santa Ana winds just to make them all just go away. Right.

And I know they happen every year, but dude, we had straight up hurricane level winds. I mean, you saw that, that, that, that video of McDonald's where it's just being blown to smithereens and then also on fire. People think it's Sodom and Gomorrah and because of like that whole thing in the Bible and it's like, you know, LA took too much, it indulged too much. And now they think that that's why it's on fire

and it's not, right? It's not because it's just the wind and the embers. And the embers, honestly, that sometimes arsonists are making happen. And I... I... Arson's the thing where it's like, here's the thing. If you're gonna be a bad guy, a bad guy,

arson is the way to go, right? Like anything with fire is, if you're a bad, like I often think that, you know, good and evil doesn't necessarily exist, that it's more just like a spectrum. And if you understood someone's life story, you'd feel empathy for them, right? And then there are arsonists.

And okay, I get it's a mental condition, but also, ah, you know, when you were in the middle of the winds, when you see somebody walking by just a 20 something year old dude walking by lighting a Palm tree on fire, you go, God, how satisfying would it be if you saw someone cap that dude in the head? In the middle? Or if by mistake the palm tree didn't ignite, but he ignited? And then was one of those old 80s, you know, stunt men, like with the flames on them.

I mean, arson is the craziest thing because I read this book once. I read a book. I read, you know, I read, I'm reading right now, I'm reading Dexter. Hell yeah, dude. It's on, but it's a book. It's based on a book. Did you know that? Anyway, but I'll get into it later and I'll get into it. But Point, I think it's called Point of Origin, and it was about a real story about a guy who was, became a fire chief or something, and started fire. It was like basically Dexter. He was starting fires and then going to the scene of the crime and being like, what do we have here? And it was because he did it. And now that person has is mentally not right. And then also should be taken care of.

Right. They should be shot. Nah. Right. And I don't want to get demonetized so early on, but they should get, hmm, clapped, right? Should they get clapped? It should just be absolute clappage. Immediate stud it up because that is your you are hey fire's fire! It keeps going. I don't by the way

I'll tell you this much I don't even know how fire I don't even know how they contain that at all you know when they're like, hey, how are they saying that? They'll be like, yeah, 30% contained. And then sometimes they're like 85% contained. And it's like, yeah, but 15% of fire is 100% fire, right? And that can still get out because of trees around and brush. I don't know, I will never understand hey I contained 50 I we hey the fires contain 95% ah that 5% that other 5% is still a

hundred percent fire ah fuck dude ah it's still burning though what what is that yeah oh it's only, when they got the audacity to tell you it's 10% contained. Hey, dude, just tell me it's up and running. Hey, fire, oh, dude, check, check, check. Fire still fire? Yeah, fire still fire, ah, check. Ah, is it 30%?

Ah, doesn't matter, ah, keep going. Ah, check, I just keep dumping fire retardant on them. Think of a different name for it. Dump a bunch of, I don't, dude, I didn't know. I always was like, how does that work? When they do the, when they, when they do the planes and the helicopters with the water and then you see it and you go, oh, like some of these motherfuckers

are the LeBron of drop in water on fire. Some of these dudes are the Jordan of dropping just buckets of water on the absolute pinpointed spot on the, honestly, the 5% uncontained fire. And you go, wow, that's the LeBron of helicoptering. And you go, wow, that's the LeBron of helicoptering. Those are real heroes, dude. You saw the footage of the guy, the GoPro footage of the guy in the house,

just taking the fire to task, like just spraying it, just bukakiing up the fire, just taking care of the fire, right? Just taking care of his primal urges against the fire. Just like it's a one, like it's a single player shooter. That shit is real life. I don't believe, I don't believe it, you know,

it's unbelievable that life gets that real. I will say this, and I say it rips and it does rip. But man, it is unbelievable that, that it gets that real. That just 25,000 acres in the Palisades, just God or whoever goes whoopsie daisy. And there's people lose their house, people that people know lose their houses, people you lose

your house. It's sad dude. It's sad that it gets that real. And yeah, you, a lot of them still have... people died and that's the whole thing too. It's like when they say, oh yeah, we will persevere, we will make it, we will make it through this tragedy. Yeah, but not the people who don't make it. Dude, update it. Say, some of us will get through this. Some of us will get through this. And that's like saying you contain 20% of fire. Ah, 80% of fire still 100% fire! Ha ha ha! You know? If I got a balloon with water in it and I got most of it not with not holes in it, ah!

Everyone's getting wet! I never understood that, but then again I'm no, you know, firefighter. I'm no hero. And I know, uh, it is just, it is so, it's, you know, just, I've had my parents here because they got, it had to be evacuated from La Cagnata. And they've been here for six days and it's been like, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. This is my house we're in. And my mom's like, can you move that vase?

And I say why and she says Kristen said I could move stuff around I'm like well you dude don't though hey why are you asking to move is man women will just set shit up, right? You know what I'm saying? Guys go out and get it. Women go good. Leave me alone for a while. Thanks for the family.

Let me ignore you now. Let me set shit up dude. I mean, my mom's just grabbing vases and putting them different places in my house. Like it's like a fun fucking guess where game. By the way, I didn't even know I had it the first time. I don't even know about these vases or, or like pots on a bookshelf, you know? It's really funny how much of a bookshelf can really, could really spruce up a bookshelf with things that are on books, right? Like I know the books, you put the books in a bookshelf and then, but then every

now and then you put a bookshelf, then you put a, you know, like a dish, a display dish, and then like a pot, and you just take your fucking bookshelf to a whole nother level and women figured that out. Women figured that out. And thank God, honestly, for the visual aspect of it, but also, you know, I mean, as I just looked to the left and there's just a box of Christmas decor in my podcast studio. Fucking sparkly balls.

Is glitter just also everywhere all the time? Is glitter just also everywhere all the time? Glitter is just always on me and everywhere I've ever been. Ah, great. You know, the only thing more like fire than fire is glitter. Thank God it's not glitter, dude. Oh, of course it would be the gayest fucking time and it would be great, but it would be just Just what is that? Do you hear that? Oh fuck. Oh, no, the glitter's happening. What listen, it's daniel beddingfield. Ah shit Oh fuck, oh no

Oh shit here come the twinks Well, at least it's just fantastic. I know but we're gonna blitter all over Shung-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug-chug- I don't know man Los Angeles needs to stop sinning I guess people that they say it's because of the Diddy parties, dude Yeah, hey dude What happened already? Hey, you know what they would have ignited. You know what God would have put would have Put up in flames the bedrooms in the in the Diddy house when the Diddy parties were happening rooms in the in the Diddy house when the Diddy parties were happening. Not 20 years later, they go, Oh yeah, remember that fucking like God's like, wait, hold on a second. Is it dry enough?

Cause I've been wanting to get them for the Diddy parties. Yeah, I think it is. I think a few of them live in the Pacific palisades. Go. And you know what? If I remember there's a music exec or two that live over in Elthadena, blow that whole fucking thing up. Sodom and Gomorrah, dude.

Because of the ditty parties? No. Because of embers. Because of winds. We gotta move, dude. We just moved here. We moved out of the way. We had to evacuate the fucking, we have uh, we have a house in, uh, West

Hollywood and they just go, we, oh man, this was great because my, we, our power went out here. Okay. And we don't have a generator, but we do in the house that we're selling in West Hollywood. And I'm like, Oh yeah, we don't have power. How long are we not going to power? I look, I checked the emails.

I can't get service or anything, but I go to coffee, bean and tea leaf. You know how I do it. They have power. And so I go, flumb flumb flumb flumb. I get all my emails and texts. And I look the department of water and power has emailed me telling me that my power is going to be off till at least Thursday. And I go, what day is it?

And then I say Tuesday and I go, shit, but whatever, at least I got my family. Got my health. Okay. My house isn't burned down. So I'm like, all right, where's their generator? Okay. There's a generator in my house in West Hollywood. Let's go. Let's go. So I go, I'm going to all right, where's there a generator? Okay, there's a generator in my house in West Hollywood. Let's go, let's go.

So I go, I'm gonna go get the generator. And then I say, how heavy is the generator? And then Chris is like, it's pretty fucking heavy. And I'm like, yeah, but you're, you know what I mean? You're 113 pounds. I could probably fucking hoist it up in the back of the fucking RS, right? You can hoist it up,

but boy, when it comes to hoisting, I'm better. Okay. And I say, okay. Uh, well, she says, why don't you wait for me? Let's wait. And then we'll go bulk. We'll get the generator. And I was like, okay, well, but then we got to leave the kids with the, with my parents and they're 76. And what if, what if, you know, dude, four year olds, five year olds, they don't realize what they could do if they just go, nah, you know, my parents are 76. If I put them with Calvin and Calvin just all of a sudden decided to go, nah, my parents are fucked.

You know, just a four year old Chucky. If he just all of a sudden wanted to be a problem child or Dennis the Menace and just beyond though, an arsonist, my parents are fucked, dude. They can't catch him. My dad walks around like Joe Biden. My mom walks around like a duck. They can't catch him. Calvin is Speedyolles, dude.

So, um, you know, uh, we, we go to get the, we have no choice. So we go to get the generator. I wanted to go get the generator early on. Christian was like, we got to do some other stuff. She went out and go, went to the electric. I don't know. Fuck it. It doesn't even matter if it's like, even if there's a fire, she was

still probably, I think she went to the DIY store because she wanted to get some stuff, you know, I'm just like, oh shit, it's burning. Can you come home quick please? Because we got to go get the generator. We got, she came home, it was dark out. So now we got to go in the dark. We're in the dark in the house and then we in our house and we got to drive to, uh, Los Angeles and that's going to be in the dark and we got to get the generator and

we got to hoist it up and I go, all right the dark and we gotta get the generator and we gotta hoist it up. And I go, all right, well, we gotta go now. And we go in the dark and we just look like, I hope Calvin and Billy just don't decide to all of a sudden say, hey, fuck, say, you know what? No, Gammy and Pop Pop, we're just taking it over, right? Can you tell him to turn the TV off? And so I'm like, all right, so we go to get the, we go to, we were like, let's get the

generator. We get in the car as we're getting the car to the, in, in, in, to go, it's me and Kristen, we go to get the generator. It's 40 minutes away, halfway over, uh, off through the 101, we get an alert. Bloon evacuation in your neighborhood. Meaning in Los Angeles the house that we're going to get the generator from we need to leave from that house because it might be on fire. Okay, so I go, oh well we should just turn around. Right?

And she says, well it's probably we're probably going to be able we would be able to get the generator and it's just a safety precaution. And I'm like, yeah, I know, but you're not thinking about this, right? Because we've got to go in, get the generator. And not only that, we have to leave when everyone's leaving because of the evacuation. And I go, because I'm smart, it's going to take hours. And my wife's like, but we need the generator. And I'm like, ah, we need to live. Generate that.

Let's generate some living. And so she's like, well, we're already halfway. Let's just go. And I'm like, all right. And I'm nervous. I'm nervous, number one, because maybe the house is going to catch on fire. And then I'm nervous, number two,

because my fucking kid is four with my 76 year old parents and then I two year old um so I'm like oh shit all right so we go and Kristen is like a real like this is what we're gonna have to do this this this this this, this, this is the list. Let's make a list. Cause I have ADD. Let's make a list. So then we, whenever we go, what the fuck do we do? We look at the list and we go, Oh, we're on number three.

And, and I, I'm like, Oh, okay. Just, you know, you can make it, but I'm just going to go in and figure it out. You know, we need the generator and I generator and I want my black Nike shoes. And oh yeah, if I see some artwork or something, oh yeah, that's what I want too. Oh, I'm going up the stairs. Hey, oh yeah, it actually is cold in the house. There's no power.

I'm gonna bring a blanket too, also. Oh, and the gas can, right? Like these are the things, but I'm not making lists, dude. I never made a list in my life. Dude, I only have a list of my enemies and that's it. And it's long, but that's it, right? All the energy goes into my list of my enemies. And not what to gather in the fight,

but also, dude, I know because my wife is my wife, she's also secretly kind of into the idea of going in our house and getting the things that she needs to save, because that's basically what shopping is. Right? If I could just give my wife like a shopping cart and be like, go ahead in the house, we got to get some shit so it burns down. She would just be like ooh ooh Calvin would be in it facing her with the feet out just oh let's take these and let's bring it should be treated like it's fucking

Michaels arts and crafts store so we go and she was like we got to get the generator okay okay so I was like I'm got to get the generator. So, okay. So I was like, I'm going to go get the blankets. I'm going to go get this and that, whatever. The other thing, bringing them down, we do it quick and we get to the generator. And I go to get the generator and Hey, I can't even push it. Ah, what the fuck? even push it. Ah, what the fuck? Ah? Hey, I go, oh, well, what if I try and pull it? Oh, nope. Aw. Well, and in my head I go, guess generator staying? And I go, no, come on Chris, you ain't no bitch. And my wife said, want help?

And I go like this, I look at her, I look at her and I go like this. No, needed it, but didn't, didn't. Just getting my shoulder better, my frozen shoulder, just getting it better. Just getting it better, right? Generator took care of that, didn't it? Make it stop doing that noise.

And so I go, all right, open, she says, we'll open the, dude, it was like a, what do you call it, a, what you gotta do? Oh, you can't turn it off? Oh, turn the tv off wow um so i'm like uh my dad can't figure out the remote i mean just literally said guys hey could you just keep it quiet out in the other room and they fucking just turn on bon jovi or some shit Like a mix so it just doesn't end bad. No, no, no, no. What's that song with Lenny Kravitz? That's what I hear

Banny Is it off all right So we go I go I go nah, I don't need help even though I do because I'm a guy and you know, I go, I go, nah, I don't need help, even though I do, because I'm a guy. And you know, I'm, I'm, I'm good in a crisis. You know why I'm good in a crisis? Cause I'm chill, bro. I'm fucking so chill. Hey, hey, crisis. You're not getting, no, you're not making me, no.

Take my house. Dude, I'm not, unless I had to do my kids, then okay. But yo, hey, oh, crisis? No, no, no, no, no. I'm me, you don't get to do that to me, crisis. Okay? You don't get to do that to me, crisis. Hey, house is on fire, crisis, fuck yourself.

Hey, dude, you know, on a sinking ship, hey, crisis, go fuck yourself. Hey, dude, uh, you know on a sinking ship. Hey crisis go fuck yourself I'm chill cuz you know why I really I go like this. Yo, it's not right not gonna matter in eight years anyway That's my shit I go yo, it's probably gonna matter in eight years anyway, I'll be fine I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'll be all right, dude. As long as it's not about people that I love. I go just about me. I go, I don't be fucking six years. I'll be sitting pretty, dude. I'll just invest in crypto. I'll just get ADA and take it to the fucking moon. Hey Cardano.

Um, moon a Cardano and so we go in and we get to and I get the generator I give it a real and I'm wheel it over to my car I get it dude I wheel it over my car and I and I see that my neighbor across the street and I say hey hey buddy if you need any help with anything let me know and I did it because I wanted to be nice. But then I also secretly wanted him to ask me if I needed help because I needed help with the generator. And he says, oh, I'm OK, but thank you. And then walked away.

And I go, fuck. Guess it doesn't pay to be a nice guy. Should have held a gun on him and been like, hey, come help me with my generator. Oh, no, I can't. I'm trying to. OK, OK, I'm like, hey, come help me with my generator. No, I can't. I'm trying to, okay, okay, I'm coming here. Let me hold. It's hard to hold the gun

and pick up the generator as well. So I go, the generator gotta be 200 pounds, dude. I mean, it's fucking so big. It's so heavy. So I go, all right, here we go, dude. If you're gonna hurt your, so here's the thing. I've pulled my back in so many fucking different ways and hurt my shoulder in all sorts of different things

in so many different ways that it's, in so many easy ways that I better honestly hurt my back doing this, because at least it's worth it, right? Like I've pulled my back out getting up, right? Like just sleeping and then getting up. And I go, oh, today will be different. Right? I've sneezed before and thought,

oh, I think I gotta get some sort of scan now. Right? And so I'm like, now with this generator, I gotta pick up this 200 pound generator with my wife who's 45 pounds. And I'm like, I better hurt my back now when it counts. So for all those other times, I was like, oh, how'd you pull your back? I'd be like, ah, breathing.

And now I get to go like, I saved my family. So I go to lift it up and I all my all my strength and my wife is like, I'll help a little bit. And she goes to help a little bit and she goes to help a little Bit and we get it on and we scratch the back of the car and we put it in and I go fuck Yeah, we did it. How did we do it? I still don't know it was so heavy and we put it in and then drove that motherfucker That was we didn't even realize it was full of gas the whole time. So the car Stunk like shit dude, and if we crashed, we would have started

another fire. But we did it. We did it. And we came back and then we didn't even do the generator until the next day, which pissed me off, but whatever. But we did it. Everybody's me off, but whatever. But we did it and everybody's, my parents are here moving, moving vases and shit. Um, it is crazy. The, the, the, um, I dude, like we really did see, uh, we really did see, uh, what do you call it? We really did see, what do you call it? Arsonists, like there's, how about they just have,

how about the fact that they just have cameras everywhere? Dude, like they literally, there's the Kenneth fire that's near us, that they got, they got it, cause, that they, they got, they got it because they contained it a lot and then they got it. And that was the one that we were worried about because it was close to us in West Lake village and they just go, yo, actually we found footage of the guy who lit it and when you look and it's just like, who's filming this?

Uh, a fucking bird. Like it's not a drone. It's not a drone, because it's static, right? And then you just see the dude walking through the hills with a blowtorch just lighting it, and you're like, how is anyone getting away with anything if this is something you've... So first of all, that guy and assassinate him okay and then and then what's the deal with you just like get the bad people go get them hey oh you're not sure who did it? Rewind. Oh, dude, there's fucking cameras.

So everywhere. Zoom in. Hey, rewind and zoom in. Got him. Cops not doing that. Not cops, government. And you know what, dude? How about this? People are like, oh, we oh we don't want you know our privacy is going we're fucked

already we're fucked already dude nobody ever paid attention to the well do you allow Apple to take your thing you allow this that's just sign it is yet click yes if you allow AT&T for you to click yes just click it oh we'll be hitting yes for fucking ever since they came out with a survey. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. They own us. And now you're like, nah, dude, I don't want to live in a police state. iPhone in the pocket, walk around geo tagged everywhere. Take a picture knows where it is. Sinks up to your iCloud wife sees it trouble. where it is, syncs up to your iCloud, wife sees it, trouble.

Shouldn't have take that sneaky picture of her ass, trouble. You know what I'm saying? I shouldn't have taken that picture of the guy that looked like fucking Lenny Kravitz with his shirt off. You took it right in the coffee shop to make fun of him. Uploaded to the phone, uploaded to the cloud to the cloud wife saw it why you taking pictures of strangers why you taking pictures of black dudes with their shirts off at a coffee bean because you look like Lenny Kravitz sweetie you know were, we're fucked! And you're telling, and you're telling me, right? That we can't go and find out who, like the fucking Epstein list or the fucking Diddy parties, who were, who was there?

Who was splurting? Oh, you don't know? Rew rewind and zoom Dude There needs to be a date that we pick that from now on we know that you can get footage of anything Okay, especially in a fucking cock sucking city There's cameras every I mean you see these uh, the what is the see no evil? Is that what it is? Yeah, the the the show on the ID channel or whatever and it's just like

Someone killed someone okay Let's go see if we can find the footage and they just go look around and they find the footage and then arrest the guy You try to pack someone in a suit you try to fucking saw someone up and pack them in a in a suitcase in a Hollywood in a Holiday Inn and then you're done. You know hey rewind zoom dunzo 60 years Rewind zoom 25 to life No rewind zoom. Got him. No parole. Straight up dude. And it was the

security guard always because he's bored with life and needs to fucking hack people up. If I was a security guard bro bro, nothing would be safe. Every, you know what? Nobody would be taking anything. It wouldn't, it would be all for me. I'd know where the cameras were. I turned off, that's me as a security guard. It must have turned, I think it must have turned off. Water got on it.

Wearing the fucking merchandise, water got on it. On the equipment so we don't know who stole it. Wearing it. Wearing the fucking merchandise. Water got on it. On the equipment so we don't know who stole it. Wearing it. Gold Rolex on. I think someone stole the gold Rolex. Water got on the tape so we can't tell. Do a stint. come back out, still be a security card, get more jewelry. I don't know, man. But I got one thing from the house back to here. I brought a thing that my wife made me once when we were going through a hard time. Um, it's like a wooden house thing and it's got a, to be honest, I haven't really looked at it all that much, but it's a like a, not a, like a glass

thing with a heart in it. She made it or something. I don't know. And it was like a sweet thing. And I took that and the generator. Those were the only things that were on my list. She took like pictures of the baby and stuff, which babies. And, and I took that and I put it on the seat and she,

this is the difference between, you know, I go, I put the fucking thing on the passenger seat while we're packing up the car and then I go and I get in the car and she gets in the car and she says, Oh my God, you took the thing I made you. And I said, yeah, I thought it was sweet. You know, I wanted to keep it. And she says, Oh, that's so sweet. We're driving halfway there. And I say, by the way, where'd you put that thing?

And she says, Oh, I didn't move it. It's on the seat you're sitting on. Hey dude, put it somewhere. You're sitting on it. I can break it, huh? It's made of balsa So anyway, I don't know dude, it's like I I Yeah, we do we do what we do we do we do Okay, I mean my parents are still here dude, and they're just like I've been watching this, I started reading Dexter, dude. You know go fuck yourself, dude. I will do everything to the ends of the earth. If I like something, I will go to the ends

of the earth to consume it. Hey, dude, if I like something, guess what? That thing is me now. I'm such a fucking crazy addict. It's unbelievable. I have OCD, I'm obsessive. Yes, dude. I am so friggin' obsessive. Yes, can't get thoughts out of my head. Yes, dude.

Over and over again from day to night. Yes! I'm forcing my parents to watch Dexter. My dad doesn't even know what's going on. And my mom, it goes like this again. And I go click, fucking skip, recap. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Six seasons in, Colin Hanks is in it, dude Colin Hanks and I wish it was Chet Hanks for real

The killer is Colin Hanks in season 6. I wish it was Chet Hanks, dude. I know them both Chet's my boy. I wish it was Chet Dude, I know them both Chet's my boy. I wish it was Chet But anyway, I started reading it because I go oh there's a book copping it Read it My wife goes Let's go outside and read, you know, she got like these fucking ideas where it's like. Oh, yeah, that'll make everything better Let's go outside and read. Dude, chicks be having fucking

ideas, huh? No, we should do... You're fucked. For at least a day. Oh shit. You know we should do what? Take the... Oh fuck. And then we can... Oh no. And if we could just... You know, we don't... Does this exist if we... Oh fuck. We're fucked. Oh fuck. Babe, I gotta go to Fresno. By the way, I do have to we, oh fuck. We're fucked, oh fuck. Babe, I gotta go to Fresno. By the way, I do have to go to Fresno, I'll be in Fresno. I'll be in Covina at the Laugh Factory. I will be in St. Louis Obispo.

Did they say St. Louis Obispo or St. Louis Obispo? Who knows, dude. Honestly, who cares? But I will be in Denver, chrislea.com. I will be in New York. I will be in Atlanta, Santa Rosa, where is it? It's California. Stockton, where all the fighters are.

Gonna come back with cauliflower ear. Tacoma and Spokane with all the blue hair, Pioria and Dubuque. Where is it? Um, a Rio Texas Lubbock, Texas. Where is it? Uh, and, uh, Portland Cranston and Rhode Island. What is it? There's another Portland main.

Anyway, I'm going to be all there. Chris Lee.com Boston, Massachusetts. Oh, and then a bunch of Canada dates. Skid it. Remember that? Let's get it. Wow.. Chris Lee.com Boston, Massachusetts. Oh, and then a bunch of Canada dates. Let's get it. Remember that? Let's get it. Wow, dude. Chris Lee.com.

You know how we do it? Um, yeah, people are mad at Gavin Newsom and, uh, the other lady that looks like a, uh, uh, uh, um, a Mario Kart character. And, um, what's her name? Karen Bass? She looks like she'd drive by you and you'd get so pissed off you'd be like oh fuck god damn it or some shit and you'd be like there's a fucking Karen Bass dude. Oh fuck she's going faster. There's Karen Bass driving away from the fires. Fuck, god damn it. Where'd she go? Where'd she go?

She wasn't here, right? Ghana? Yeah, Ghana fucking away from the fires, I'll tell you that much. Karen Bass, where'd she go? Ghana, Ghana away from the fucking shit that we really, really matters. Help us out, please. And Gavin knew some shit was gonna happen. I'll take that much dude. Hey, hey, hey, dude. Ha ha ha ha ha! Gavin Newsome dude, slick. Just fucking slick. Uses a comb.

You know what I mean? Who uses a comb? Gavin Newsome fucking comb user. Straight up, you know it. You can look at it. Look at it. Dude, slick as shit. With his fucking cohort. Mario Kart, Karen Bass. And just in Ghana. Dude. Gavin Newsom just... Well listen, the public's gonna have to figure it out, you know?

I don't know man, you know what, every few months I think about that Thanos thing where it's like, yeah, maybe you just need to collect all the infinity stones and snap and just half of us go away. And I guess it would suck because you'd lose half the people, you know, or maybe you'd go, you'd be in that half, but it's like, ah, we're using all the resources. You know, maybe Josh Bolton was right when he was purple. Um, yeah, it's just Karen Bass. Let's look at the shit that she said where she was like, when she was like,

eh, what's the fucking shit where she said, uh, where she was given a press conference and she was like, ah, I mean, she couldn't look some like a sidekick more on Mario Kart that nobody would pick. Um, but no, like all the way right where you're like, psychic more on Mario Kart that nobody would pick. Um, but not like all the way, right. Where you're like, you don't even go that far. You want to be Mario Luigi fucking Waluigi, uh, Koopa or the fucking, um, you know, Toad or princess, I guess. And then all the way over after like henchmen.

So, uh, Karen Bass is the world's least sympathetic scapegoat is hilarious. Um, it says, look at the, Oh God, dude. Um, when she said, and if anyone needs to get, what did she say she was like, if anyone needs to find out any of the information, what's going on and what areas are affected, all you have to go to is on the website, you have to go to URL. Doesn't know how to read it. We need people in charge that are 40. We don't need people in charge that are 40, okay? We don't need people in charge that are 70 plus. We don't need people in charge that go like this. Oh, and it's on them.

You know, and I can't even get my fucking finasteride because a la canyada, which is where my doctor is, can't prescribe me more finasteride. So if I lose my hair, okay, even though it's probably snake oil and doesn't work. I'm just gonna get a wig a big wig a big Blonde wig Dude the things that were that that CES thing the what is it called? The tech gadget place thing. What is it called? Yeah, what is it called yeah what is that consumer electric they get fucking gadgets and you look at these gadgets and you go ah fuck I gotta get that they have a two-second phone charger hey where's it been hey make that

when the phone comes out hey make everything two seconds to charge. Sup? Sup, Apple? You can do it? Do it. Hey! CES, they figured it out in CES! Hey! Apple, Samsung, Microsoft.

Sup? Where's the two second charger at? Looks like a toaster? Whatever. Fuckin' let's get it. I want it. I want fuck- You only need one. That's the best thing about the charger dude I got three chargers the other day cuz my family my god dude Kristen is always like oh where's I'm always like where's

my charger and she's like you you must have put it somewhere else dude and it's like in her makeup bag and I'm like alright I didn't put it here okay but look at these things that you can make okay so there's a lot of times they'll just come out with so smart glasses with invisible display these holiday glasses feature a display integrated into the frame and come equipped with AI power technology offer capabilities like real-time translations over 40 languages. That's crazy. You just talk to it. Dude, you don't need to know. You don't need to learn other languages now. Fuck yeah, man. Let me go talk to Mexicans in Mexico, in Spanish, and I'll speak English

and we'll understand each other. Here, take one of these holiday glasses. Hey, hold on, take a holiday glass, a smart lock, the first to support ultra wideband hands-free unlocking. Wow. Yep. Well, that's just, I mean, I've seen it kind of before. Sometimes they unveil shit that like, you're like, dude, this is kind of already out in a way, you know? It'll just be like, yeah, really good serial though. And you're like, ah, that's out, Captain Crunch. By the way, I took my phone outside the other day, and it was like, do you wanna connect to the satellite? And I was like, what? And I just go, yeah. And I clicked it and it said,

hold your phone up into the air. And I held my phone up into the air, and I could just send texts where there's no service. They don't need to keep updating me on what I'm using. Just fucking send the text. Yeah, I want it to go. How about that? AI laundry?

Fuck yeah. Egg-shaped, smaller unit, washes and then hang dry clothes inside the machine. Look at that. Unreal. It can fold the laundry too? When I see this kind of shit, I'm just like, yeah, but what's really coming? Oh, come on, dude. Oh, come on. What is this? An X-Bang Air-Rot. They presented a flying two-person EV and a stylish truck to transport it in.

Come on, dude. Just gonna be with... you're gonna be in a fucking... what? This is happening in our lifetime? Yes, dude! We're gonna get fucking... we're gonna get in drones. Oh, this is gonna create awesome sports. People are gonna die, whatever. some sports people are gonna die whatever here's another one robot oh god we got the fucking robot vacuum cleaner Billy's so scared of it that we can't even use it and Calvin's when we do use it and Billy's asleep and we do use it Calvin's walking next to it saying you need anything to the fucking robot I'm like dude it's not a real person, man. You're doing good. Good.

You need anything? Yeah. Fucking dude, let it sweep, let it pick up nothing. It doesn't pick up anything. You know, you fucking crinkle chips down there just drives over and crinkles them more there's fucking dog hair. It gets dog hair. If you have dogs, you can get it.

Here about this, uh, a battery made of paper. Okay. Singaporean startup Flint presented rechargeable, flexible batteries made of paper, specifically cellulose. They could just be saying anything. Who the fuck knows, you know? And then when these batteries expire, the biodegrade in about six weeks. Okay. Um, humanoids. Here we go. Not good enough. Look at it. I'm looking at it right now. Not we go. Not good enough. Looking at it, I'm looking at it right now, not good enough.

Not good enough. This is our flagship humanoid AI-powered robot. This is Aria. So this is our flagship humanoid AI-powered robot. They always name it something like Aria. She has her own social media, so she might be competing with you one day. Look at these. Can you replace humans for jobs?

Annihilate. I'm excited to appear at CES 2020. Darling, I'm more about enhancing human experiences rather than taking jobs. This is so bad. That's so bad. Hey, dude, you're not ready. Hey, Realbotics, go back to the drawing board. Hey, Realbotics, if I don't want to fuck it, redo it. If I don't want to fuck it redo it

I am actually here to help the human experience dude the hair looks like someone fucking Rubbed shit all over it. Hey Make the hair more lifelike if I don't want to fuck it redo it. I'm just here to enhance the human experience. So bad, robotics do it better. The HyperShell Pro X. Exoskeleton meant to assist hikers who need that extra push to get to the top of the mountain. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. I'll get that.

I'll get that and just do the dishes. Sweet. That way, baby, you're not doing the- This is HyperShell's one horsepower exoskeleton. Exoskeletons, dude. We're in exoskeleton era. I'm in my exoskeleton era, dude. We're fucking gonna be living in the exoskeleton era.

We're straight up, you're just gonna be able to get into an external skeleton and just have them do the dishes for you And you're just gonna be in there having them But you're gonna be thinking about other shit and also on Instagram or something because you don't need to like dude That's the thing. My wife will do like she has a DD So she's like hey, I'm gonna fold laundry, but also you gotta put on Jerry Springer while I do it. And I'm like, how do you pay attention to even one of these? I can't do it.

Like I gotta be focused on the thing or doing the thing and focus on the thing. And she's like, I thrive when both are on. That's, this is for people. I guess this is fucking ADD out of a job. The exoskeletons. Cause I'll jump in this motherfucker to do chores, but also be doing other stuff.

Look at this one. The all care AI smart mobile toilet. Don't need it. Regular toilets are fine. Thanks. Next. This AI powered mobile toilet aims to improve the lives of patients and caregivers through its automatic waste management improved hygiene. Sure. I guess. Yeah. I just need to get one for now and just sit on it. I mean I go five times a day. Fuck that. Where's my all-care toilet? Where's my smart mobile toilet? Smart toilet sounds kind of like, nah, oxymoron, right?

And then they make shit that you don't need, like so don't need. A rollable laptop from Lenovo. Lenovo, hey, how are you still a company? Lenovo, they make a laptop that you can open up and then extend the screen like this. Why, dude? You don't need... Are you spending all your time?

How many hours went into this? So, oh, now people can stretch their screen. Who gives a fuck? Hey, Lenovo, help the robot guys. What's this one? What was this one? I don't know. What is that thing? The one around the leg? Activa? That's so funny. What's the leg brace? People always post it and never explain it because they want you to click on it. Oh, here it is. Um, you have cast alternative options. When you have a broken bone, you can choose a custom fit 3d printed waterproof

cast for remainder of your healing. Just as soon as your fracture stabilizing your slung is okay. Who cares? Look at this. It does this guy saying online, it doesn't replace the cast at first. Only after mostly done with the cast, the fracture area must already be stable and you can't even have swelling, which is how your body protects an area that is damaged.

So when you're basically healed, it works. That's hilarious. your body protects an area that is damaged. So when you're basically healed, it works. That's hilarious. Also is not that much colder than a cast. Like, okay. Oh hell yeah. Carrie Underwood singing a Trump's inauguration.

Love it. Makes too much money that for people to give a fuck Hollywood gonna be pissed off, but it doesn't matter, dude. Good. Let's all come together as one man. Uh, Carrie Underwood's hot, huh? You ever not see somebody for 10 years and you need to see him and you're like, Oh, whoa, I didn't know.

Be careful who you call ugly and... God, I hate this whole fucking everyone who is a Republican is a Nazi thing. Everyone's so tired of that. The race... Oh yeah, you're racist. Oh dude no hey they're trying to get firemen you know they're turning down firemen because they're white I don't know you know it's like this is what I hear so don't be mad at me oh I did hear that Adam Carolla was trying to become a fireman and they were putting him on the waiting list for a long time Because he was a white guy. That's what he said. But then also it's like

Go in my living room. I say I smell poop. Do you know must have pooped his diaper I come upstairs Do you has no diaper on he's sleeping on the floor? No diaper nice. I'm like it smells like. I look at the diaper throw in the trash can no poop in it Guys I Spent ten minutes looking for this poop on the stairs and like out in the hallway I go get my husband where he's got a flashlight. I'm on my phone my flashlight Guys we found the poop. Where is it? Hmm guys we found the poop. Where is it? He's sleeping with the poop that's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life and so so so

That is oh Honestly That is so cute. Oh my god you sleep with your poop Oh. Honestly? Send help. That is so cute. Oh my God. You sleep with your poop? Oh man. You know also like somebody's grandpa has done that too. Oh my gosh, dude.

He was holding his log of shit. Ah. Hey kid. Good thing you're covering your face. I... ah, god, that smells so bad, dude. You know, how do you fall asleep with that smell? God damn kids are hilarious, dude. Oh, they're hilarious. Honestly, if I saw my kid fall asleep with the shit in his hand, bro, I'd wake him up.

Let's throw a fucking party. I told him, I told him if he didn't have any accidents in his, you know, for potty accidents for a few days, we could get him something. And he goes, all right, I want to get first place. And I was like, okay. And this is not like there's no first place, but he's like, I want to get first place. I'm like, there's no first place, but he's like, I want to get first place. I'm like, okay. And then, uh, he went, uh, so he went a few days without doing it and, you know, he messed up, he messed up once.

He, he said I failed and I was like, it's okay. We can do it again. There's no time limit or whatever. We just fucking, you don't get it. You get unlimited tries, you know, because sometimes you bring some up to a kid and then they're like, asking too many questions about it and you're like, it just exposes how dumb you are. You're like, I didn't really think about the competition all that much, man.

Just don't, don't piss for a week except in the toilet and I'll get you a fucking Pokemon, you know, and, um, and finally he went three, he went three or four days, whatever the fucking thing was. And we went by this drug store and he's like, Oh my God, I want that little cutie spider stuffed animal thing. And I was like, well, if you get first place in your competition, you can get it. And he did it. And then we went to go get it and the store was closed. And so we went to target and, uh, I was like, well, you could pick anything here. And he, and he picked a, um, a science set, a fucking science set from National

Geographic where you can make like boogers and white blood cells and stuff. And he, and he picked a, um, a science set, a fucking science set from national geographic, where you can make like boogers and white blood cells and red blood cells, and then he made green goopy boogers and then he left it on the, on the, on the island and then in, in a little bowl. And then we all ate because my parents are over and we had like, you know, all the food and this, you know, all the food and this, and the, and the dressing and the salsa and the salt and the pepper and my dad fucking put the green gooey boogers on this, on his

sandwich. And I'm like, dad, that's Calvin's fucking science science experiment. It's not goddamn garnish. Um, spilled that fucking green shit all over too. So it's good now. Now I know my fucking one of my stools and my thing is all green. Dude, being a parent, how do people keep shit clean?

Everything's a mess. And then Christian will be like, this is a mess. And I'm like, dude, people keep coming out of you. It's your fault. I, uh, what do I, can you tidy up? No, stop having people come out of you. They're fucking up the floor. You make men come out of you.

Fuck. I gotta talk to her about that. I'm done. Thank you very much. I appreciate you guys. Go, chrislea.com. I'm coming to your city. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,