Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 43. Roll On Your Dolo

Episode Date: November 20, 2017

It's the 43rd episode! On today's show, Chris discusses being comfortable being alone, AKA: rolling on your dolo. Also discussed: Lavar Ball, Narcos, Blake Shelton, drugs, Daft Punk, Daniel Bedingfield, the song 'Take A Knee My Ass', & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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We'll talk about Movement later on in the show. 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash congrats. This episode is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Now, when you cook with Blue Apron, you're not just having burgers for dinner. You're making short rib burgers with a hoppy cheddar sauce on a pretzel bun. Yummy. That sounds amazing. You're prepping seared steaks and thyme pan sauce with mashed potatoes, green beans,

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It's very cool. You keep the cash. You use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. It's the best way to pay people back. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. What's up? How you guys doing, babies? It's the 43rd episode.

I never know what number it is on the episode, but I know it's number 43 right now. And I am doing a little bit too much chiseling. There was a sports announcer once. My brother and I always make fun of it, but he was like, I can't, I think it was maybe Chris Berman or something. I don't know.

But he was talking about a baseball player and he was like, and he was doing the highlights. I don't know what the guy was doing. He was doing something cool. And every time it cut back to the baseball player doing the cool thing, the announcer was like and doing a little bit too much chiseling and it was so ridiculous that like this old white fucking baseball announcer would do that shit um and doing a little bit too much chiseling

and doing a little bit too much chiseling, like white. Oh, dude, I saw this funny, the funniest fucking thing on the video podcast before we get started. I got to share this with you. You know, we put the video up. What did he put? I think it was on the clip. Was it on the clip? Yeah, this is on the laundry clip.

This comment, dude, killed me. He writes... Fucking... No, of course I can't... Oh, here we go. This guy writes, the word is memorable. Why does he add an S in the beginning? Okay?

You know, because I said it's memorable in it. And somebody wrote, be a baby to his comment. And then he wrote, I'm 27. And then he wrote, and then this other guy wrote, it's a Chris D'Elia thing and babies are like his cult. And he writes, so is there like an admission form or something?

How do I pledge my allegiance? And the guy writes, just don't be a cuda. It made me laugh. Like to think of this guy being like, I don't understand what the fuck is going on. And then this guy just keeps using the language. But yeah, so I was in Ohio this past weekend. I was in Columbus, Ohio. They said it was going to be freezing.

It wasn't really that freezing. Uh, weathermen don't know what the fuck they're doing. I know they talk about how weather can, you know, they can predict it because it's coming in from different areas, but they don't know. The wind is the wind. Do you know what I'm saying? They don't fucking know. The wind is the wind and the wind picks up and goes wherever the fuck it wants. You know why? It's the wind. And you're

just a person trying to predict where the wind is going. You're trying to predict where the wind is going? These weathermen, how often are they right? I wonder how often weathermen are actually right. Because maybe it's like 80%, but maybe it's like 50. If it's 50, I'll just guess. You know, if it's cloudy, it might rain. There, I'm a weatherman. I'm a weatherman, Jewish, a Jewish guy. Hey, I'm Bill Weatherman. I'm Sid Weatherman. Sid. The name Sid, that's not a good name. Sounds awful. But yeah, I had a good time in Columbus. All the shows were sold out. Six shows.

A lot of babies came. And it was very, very fun to perform for them. I think I performed in Columbus, Ohio when I was opening up for Joe Coy. So I was only featuring. And then I did Columbus, Ohio. I did a theater there like two years ago. But then I wanted to do more shows. So I did them at the Funny Bone this past weekend. And yeah, it was a good, you know,

flying, first of all, when I was on the plane on the way there the the stewardess was like kept on coming by and saying for my drinks do you need a skirt which is a napkin but she kept on saying like let me get your skirt and like i don't know what it is about shit like that that just grinds my fucking gears and it's always grinded my gears to say to call something a cute word it's always grinding i remember being young as shit and hearing somebody say take it sleazy instead of take it easy and just being like a six-year-old thinking for the first time, motherfucker. I don't know what the fuck it is about that. But like, say napkin.

First of all, maybe skirt is another word for like a cloth coaster. However, it's not a coaster, first of all. First of all, don't call it that way even if it's a coaster. Just say coaster. It was literally a napkin that had like American Airlines on it. It was a fucking napkin. Also, there's nothing worse than an airplane napkin. It might as well be fucking

sandpaper when you got to blow your nose and you use that just pretty much shred your nose up just pretty much put your nose on some asphalt and rub your face around that's what it is and she kept calling it skirt and it bothered me the whole way there now here's the other thing dude um i want to know this is a survey i want to know and from all the fucking listeners out there the babies and non-babies i just want to know if you're catching this shit is everybody's nose just always dry? The inside of the fucking nose. One Fire, is your fucking nose dry right now? No?

Okay. So, never dry. Okay, my nose is always dry. It's just always dry. It's always fucking dry. Always up in the fucking nasal shit. Always dry. I wake up, feels like they're shooting a movie up there okay it's all

crowded it's annoying i gotta fucking blow my nose my brain comes out and i take a shower helps barely my mom would always be like it's the use the steam get in the shower, get the steam going. You know, didn't help. What do they call it? A witch's, it's a witch's tail. Get some steam in the fucking nose. Does that help? Or does it just make it more damp? Then when it's not damp anymore,

it's dry as hell. So my nose is just always dry and it's always going to be dry. Winter, summer, spring, fall. If they make a new season, it'll be dry then too. Why? I want to know why. Sometimes I drink more water than a fucking arrowhead dispenser.

I drink so much water sometimes. And a matter of fact, that's all I drink. All I drink is water and coffee. Now I know coffee dehydrates you, but water replenishes you. Okay? So I drink so much water. Why is my nose so dry? What do I need to do to get my nose not dry?

The fuck do I need to do? Do I need to jam Vicks Vaporub up there? Or not Vaporub, but the fucking Vaseline, I mean? Nasal spray does not work and i know everybody right now is thinking well the nasal spray there's there's this one nasal spray no don't care don't like that guy when people are like oh you got to use this kind though oh so you're using the wrong kind say yeah i'm not using the wrong kind just what did fucking it's just always dry it's dry up there right now they're shooting fucking ragnarok the four up there um yeah it sucks and sometimes then it's just dry on the bottom of it too

and i look like tom hanks in philadelphia at the end and i'm just like dude i don't have fucking hiv i'm just it's my nose is always dry i drink so much water i work out hard sweat it all out drink it up i'm drinking water i do the only thing i do more than work out really hard at the gym is drink more water at my gym this guy stopped me he was like hey man because that last episode I was talking about the guy with the fucking shoe string in between his two nipples when he worked out. And he was like, hey, man, is that the guy? And I was like, oh, shit. He was listening to my podcast, and he pointed to the guy who actually I was talking about. It was funny.

It's nice to see babies at the gym. Shout out to that guy for making my gym experience um so uh yeah it sucks dude i my nose is always dry what do i do what do i do um in the this oh man you know what's actually bumming me out is the um the uh the the the the sexiest man of the year hey who gives a fuck they picked blake shelton first of all i'll tell you one thing i think blake shelton is one of the most sexy motherfuckers in the world that dude is fucking awesome that dude's first of all he's tall as shit he's got a nice face cool hair yeah he's got those barbed wire barbed wire tattoo that's. But he knows it, I feel like. Okay?

He dresses in flannel. He's cool. And here's the sexiest thing about him. He's fucking relaxed as shit, dude. How much confidence does that guy have? I think if you could pick the most confident guy in the world, it would be him. Because he just doesn't give a fuck. He just shows up. He's like, what do you want me to do?

It's so funny to me. I watch that guy, and I think when he shows up, he's just like, hey, where's the camera? What do you want me to do? All right, let's do it. And he just sits down, and he's like, sure, yeah, let's do it. And he just does it, and then he fucking gets up and leaves, and he's like, cool, I'm going to go about my day.

I'll catch you guys later. What are we shooting? Shooting a promo for iHeartRadio? Cool, let's do this. And then you say something, and he's just like, all right. I'll catch you guys later. What are we shooting? Shooting a promo for iHeartRadio? Cool. Let's do this. Ha ha. And then you say something, he's just like,

all right. And then he just is like, so respectful. The guy's sexy. It just drives me nuts how people will get on the thing and be like, picture the people that saw Jason Momoa

standing waist deep in a lake and then thought blake shelton was the sexiest man in the world yeah jason momoa sexy shit but they got to pick someone who gives a fuck also blake shelton is so famous they got to pick the one of the most famous guys ever you know jason momoa is real famous. He's Aquaman, but he's not Blake Shelton famous, dude. Blake Shelton can go to fucking tribes in Africa and they'd be like, hey, he's from TV.

You know? Also, Jason Momoa, take that hat off your head. Yeah, man. Jason Momoa take that hat off your head yeah man he's a cool dude he's a cool dude but also

wear something now he's manly as shit though I do like him but yeah dude people were just like oh did everybody die is that why they picked blake shelton dude who's getting mad at the fucking people magazine that shit's always been awful anyway who'd they pick last year who'd they pick fucking all the other years one year they pick matthew mcconaughey mcconaughey okay they pick brad pitt okay to pick fucking idris elba maybe one year that's a sexy motherfucker though dude fuck idris elba is uh as cool as shit

and i was he's got a good accent too like that dude is british how much does Idris Elba do so much Molly, you know? I feel like Idris Elba probably does so much Molly. I feel like he's just like, oh, like wherever he shows up, he's just like, you got to find the hookups. Like, to his people, to his handlers, he'll be like, is there Molly in my room? You got to find the hookups. He'll show up to like, he'll do like a conference

in Australia about like some new movies about the Dark Tower and as soon as he lands he's like, what a flight. Do you have the hookups? And they'll be like, what do you mean? I need to get going here. I'm not going to do these fucking press junkets without doing the fucking Molly. I need to rub going here I'm not going to do these fucking press junkets without doing a fucking Molly

I need to rub it in my mouth one time I was talking to a girl and she said she went to Coachella and she had never done Molly and she was like had her arms up and she was dancing around in the Coachella shit and somebody came up behind her and wiped fucking Molly on her face

dude hey let me tell you something okay if somebody ever did that to me now I've never done Molly I've never done drugs And wiped fucking Molly on her face. Dude, hey, let me tell you something, okay? If somebody ever did that to me, now I've never done Molly, I've never done drugs. If somebody ever fucking snuck some drugs into me, I'll tell you right now, I would fight everyone around me until I was either dead or high. That's how it would go. If you wiped Molly in my mouth, everybody around that person who did that is complicit. I'm fighting everybody I see until I'm dead or tripping.

Because I know once I'm tripping, I'm not going to want to fight everybody, right? I'll be like, that would be hilarious to be like fighting and shit. And just if you were winning, just fucking beating the shit out of everybody just high kicks and fucking and just choking people out and doing arm bars and then more fucking people come in come on and then all of a sudden you're just like ah fuck ah fuck oh shit man i feel so fucking good the the fuck pop ah and then you're fighting and then you're wrestling but then also it kind of feels good because people are like grabbing on you and shit and you're like ah god damn it until all of a sudden it just turns into

fucking one more time got me feeling so free they got me celebrating celebrating dance with me and you're still fighting a little bit and you're're like, bye-bye, but you're like, one more time, and you're just sweating, so, ooh, yeah, ah, celebrate, ah, what a feeling, pa, ooh, yeah, you're just like, oh, fuck, shit, I'm celebrating, bye-bye, one more time, somebody's on your back, and you're just like, fucking, you hike them up on your shoulders, and you're like, one more time, got me feeling so free, but you got somebody on your shoulders and you're having a good time But also you're still kind of fighting people and then all of a sudden you just let loose and you're just like, you know What fucking oh, yeah Come on, celebrate with me and then the beat drops and you're just like

And you're fucking bloody and exhausted and your shirt's ripped and you're just like fucking this place rocks and you just have a blast for fucking seven hours until all your spinal fluid is gone that would be that would be me that would be what i did and then when once i came to and all the fucking other guys who were complicit came to we'd be like dude that shit rocked that was one for the ages but if any of you are ever complicit

in putting Molly in my face again we're doing it all over again and then look at me and they go like this oh yeah we are dude and then we fucking ride off into the sunset celebrating dance so free and i'm gonna celebrate me one more time and the credits just roll as we roll off into the sunset

and it's me and the guy from ito mama tambien like that was like he was there dude fucking this is what see this is what i'm talking about when i talk about the fucking i don't need i don't want to go do. I don't want to go when people are like, let's go fucking check it out. When we're in Ohio or wherever the fuck we are. My opener is like, we got to go, just go see a fucking Rockies game.

Well, dude, I don't want to watch guys play baseball when I can just think of shit like that. That's so fucking off to me to think of a guy getting fucking mollied in his face and then fighting until he got high and then riding off into the sunset. Bro, what the fuck? I'm going to go watch the Rockies play the fuck out of here, dude.

We've got imaginations, man. And I'm going to watch Ihali or whatever the fuck that thing is. We've got imaginations. And you want me to watch return to me with David Duchovny. Fucking lick my whole asshole. If you don't like me, you can press fast forward. Critics don't like me lick my whole asshole. Was that good? Insecure Jay-Z.

Critics don't like me lick my whole asshole. Was that good? Let's put it in the in the song hove hove why you think they call me why you think they call me hove because you asked us okay oh chill chill chill they do that that's my favorite every rapper rapper is like, yo, why you think they call me fucking this? Because you fucking asked people to. It'd be like if I was like, yo, why do you think they call my fucking podcast listeners babies? Because I fucking called them babies.

Fuck is wrong with you? What is that song? That's that fucking... You know what song is like the number one song like that? That style of song? Is that fucking... Ah, fuck. The Bedingfield one. Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, do it not only these vegas shit dance songs dude dance songs are so vague like dan not dan um uh um uh the the what do you call them fucking what do you call that that genre music anything

you'd hear in a club what yeah house or whatever the that's like a 90s term. But like, what do they call it? EDM now, I guess. EDM. So old. Closing in on 40. But the fucking... There's nothing... There's not a more 2003 song that ever came out than that fucking Daniel Bedingfield song. Daniel Bedingfield is a name and he's not a Lord, you know? Dude, all those fucking EDM songs or the dance songs or the trance songs or whatever rhymes

with fucking schmance is like fucking, and of course Daniel Bedingfield looks like that. We just Googled him and of course he looks like that of course he looks like the bad guy of course he looks like a bad guy in a movie where there's too much brown and green in it of course daniel beddingfield looks like a guy that when he grew up never listened to his parents and now says he loves his parents so much. Of course, Daniel Bedford looks like a guy who fought people when he was in high school and then went to college and definitely picked up something like philosophical studies and now does drugs recreationally and talks about them a lot as they help fucking people and their psychology. Of course, that's what he looks like.

Oh. So. So anyway. Every dance song, every dance or fucking club song they play is so fucking vague. I gotta get through this. I gotta get through this fucking man through this fucking gotta get through this time gotta get through what dude what what the crowd

heartache the fuck every song every day fucking song like that is like fucking fly like an eagle fly up high A fucking song like that is like... Fucking... Fly like an eagle. Fly up high.

Feeling good. Dancing. Dancing. You know? Gotta get through what? Fucking a room full of marshmallows? That's what that song's about. To me.

Gotta get through this. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Gotta room full of marshmallows. Gotta get through this. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Give me a machete and I'll just eat a lot. I'll just eat through it.

Gotta get through this. I look like a guy who got lots of fights in high school. And now I look like a guy who loves my parents and talks about it so much. In a cool way. Gotta get through this. Gotta get through this conversation where I talk about how I love my parents so much. In a cool way. Not in a dork way.

In an ironic way. Like how I know I'm dorky, but it's cool because I'm owning it. And so I'm sexy. Daft Punk. Celebrate. Oh, yeah. Daft Punk. Not a more British word than daft.

What was that song that goes, I'm blue, night only, night. only nine so my buddy when i was younger thought it was i'm blue if i were green i would die he thought it was i'm blue if i were green i would die i'm like yeah man no it's not just use your ears use your ears use Use your ears. Use Google. If I were green, I would die. Imagine if the song was, if I'm blue, if I was green, I would die. Daba Dee, you know? Daba Dee was in the song title.

Dude, how about the guy who fucking made the song, the new song that came out, Take a Knee My Ass. Did you see that? One fire. He didn't see it. But it Take a Knee, My Ass. Did you see that? One Fire. He didn't see it, but it's a country singer, of course, and he was like, Take a Knee, My Ass, and then Google it. Take a Knee, My Ass, and then in the quotes is like, misspelled me, knee, spelled N-E-E, One Fire.

Take a Knee, My Ass. too many body parts in the song take a knee my ass what a fucking look this is not political believe what you want to about protesting or not protesting but that is, look at that guy's fucking face. You know, that guy's racist. Just look at him. Look at him. The more racist you are, you know what? The more the bill of your hat points up, the more racist you are. He's got one of those cowboy hats that swoops up. It looks like you could fucking Tony Hawk on it.'s why cowboy that's why fucking cowboys are the most racist you know cowboys are so racist that they don't even know they don't even know they're being racist you know what I mean they'll be like well you know it's because he's got fucking darker skin than us and you're like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa we were talking

about poker yeah but that's why I bet it's all large he doesn't know the game it's cause of the shade of his skin like whoa whoa dude hey no it's not alright alright now yeah can you I don't think can you

you can it's okay to play... I pledge allegiance to the flag. Ah, what? Of the United States of America. Fuck all the black people. That's what he's doing right now. I'll stand and place my hand upon my heart every time her anthem plays.

And stare directly at a black man and make him know that's what he should be doing. When I see somebody on TV take their stand on bended knee whether it's on Astrid Turner or Gramps. What a... I mean. I think of those

whose freedom was not free. And I say, take a knee in my ass. Oh. I stand up for Oh, Weird Al.

This is Weird Al. Oh, Weird Al made this. All right, stop it. Oh, Weird Al wrote this song. So that's cool. Oh, it's cool that we... Oh, I told the producer to stop it

and it stopped and then started again. So one fire. Dude, I mean, take... This good old boy fucking, you know, whether it's on AstroTurf, here's the deal. How about this, man? The word AstroTurf

should never be in a song. Just don't put the word Ast should never be in a song. Just don't put the word astroturf in a song. Take a knee, my ass. Too many body parts in the title. Take a knee, my ass. Oh, God. That guy's going to have the most best Thanksgiving, you know. Come on over.

You know, that guy's just going to have the best Thanksgiving with his fucking scooping up ass hat. And he's going to put the guacamole in it and just place the hat down and put the chips in the center and be like, this is what these hats are good for. Good old American. It's not even American. It's Mexican. Good old American guacamole. That's right. You know, we're going to watch the Lions play today.

Ain't that right? They play every Thanksgiving. And if anybody gets too low to the ground, I'm going to shoot them. I'll shoot them in the fucking face. Because I know ain't nobody taking a knee. If somebody takes a knee, my ass, eyes, shin, shoulders, can't stop saying body parts, take a knee my ass. Fuck that stupid song.

Fuck that stupid song. Fuck that stupid song. Not politically. It's just a bad song. And also Weird Al wrote it. So that's cool. You guys are going to have the best Thanksgiving. So, yeah. All right.

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Take a knee, my ass. You know? What? yeah take a knee my ass you know what yeah um it's weird man there's the whole fucking i feel like uh i feel like this whole stuff everything becomes an issue like this whole stuff, everything becomes an issue. Like this whole like LeVar Ball thing, like that Trump's tweeting about, I feel like he's doing it directly to fucking not, like, by the way, here's something that got overshadowed because of that.

The fucking, who's the guy that was on like Trump's chair that like was all against the LGBT the lgbt is that what it is uh and he literally pled guilty yesterday to fucking for child sex trafficking did you know that yeah like so i feel like trump's like oh that's happening in my fucking shit okay hey lavar ball fuck you like dude who gives a fuck what la lavar ball says about you who gives a fuck what anyone with the last name ball says if i my last name was ball i would change it for sure i'd make it like thompson you know ball big baller brand the balls the fucking balls

satallion when you say when you see the whole family hey the balls the fucking balls huh um the kids the kids in that family are all in the fucking awkward stage. Like, when are they getting out of that? They all look like teenagers. I know probably one of them is, but they all look geeky as shit. You know? Look at them. They're so teenage.

All of them. Look at the one in the middle, he was so teenage, he looks like, what's it, Sideshow Bob, oh man, the dad, you know, so proud, yeah, motherfucker, we getting it in, that's what his face always looks like, any picture you ever see of LeVar Ball, it looks like he's thinking, Yeah, motherfucker, we getting it in. Look, Google any picture of LeVar Ball. Yeah, motherfucker, we getting it in, man.

Yeah, motherfucker, we getting it in. Yeah, motherfucker, we getting it in. Everyone would, we look. look that different levels of that he's got a fucking tie with bbb on it oh damn he's taking yeah he is taking it to the bank dude that guy's that guy's fucking that guy's awesome dude i don't know anything about that guy. But this guy, fucking straight up American motherfucking dream coming true. This guy, outspoken, made it a brand. And now, yeah, motherfuckers, we getting it in. Guy's killing it.

I fucking like guys like that, man. I know nothing about him, but he created a brand, and now it's a brand. That's how you back up the motherfucking Brinks truck, dude. That's how fucking, that's honestly, I mean, that's not, guys who make brands are incredible. Guys who are able to fucking make what they do in their life a brand are incredible to me. Like even Trump, how fuck did this guy do that? I mean, they sell, by the way, Trump sells merch, you know, Trump sells merch. Like Trump hats, Trump shirts.

Didn't they make fucking one president get rid of his peanut farm? What happened to that? Yes, that's out the window. They made Jimmy Carter get rid of his peanut farm. Trump sells hats. You know know trump sells polo shirts and they made jimmy carter get rid of his peanut farm good old american trying to get nose is drier than shit um hey how come uh dude do you guys watch oh i've never talked about this and i watched the show and i always wanted to talk about on the podcast do you guys watch narcos do you why are you laughing dude narcos okay look first of all the guy who plays fucking

pablo escobar on narcos i'm telling you right now that's the best acting I've seen in years, dude. He's Pablo Escobar. And I don't even mean he's the real Pablo Escobar. I mean, he created a fucking character. Even though there's a real Pablo Escobar, he made this guy on TV, Pablo Escobar. Maybe he's not like the real Pablo Escobar. Doesn't matter. That guy in his head is literally thinking,

I'm not the actor. I'm this guy. But then he forgets that. And just as that guy, that acting that that guy does as Pablo Escobar has not been seen since like early Robert De Niro shit. I mean, he's so good, dude.

He is so fucking good. And there is, and I love that, I love the show. It takes a little bit getting into because the fucking voiceover, dude, they use the voiceover, they have the guy,

the white guy, whatever the fuck that guy is who played the bad guy in the fuck that guy is who played the bad guy in the the logan movie whatever his name is who the voiceover everybody's good but the voiceover like all this guy talks about is hey we were like every it's the most unnecessary voiceover that's the thing i i don't get about that show is it could just be the show now there's a thing in writing and in screenwriting where they say like any you can make any movie without the voiceover and it's better if you don't but all the best movies that you ever fucking have watched have voiceover on

it so it's kind of like it's kind of like a bullshit thing like you they say in screenwriting when you when you learn it like you never need to have a voiceover you can always like but voice all the best movies have voiceovers on it. I can't even think of one right now. Good fellas. As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. And then Beanie Siegel put it on his album

and he started it. Dude, rappers love fucking Italian gangster shit, man. You've seen too many movies. That's why Tupac said that. But no. When fuckinganie seagull came out with an album he took us he like took a page from the goodfellas and he says as far as back as i can remember i always wanted to be a gangster as far as back he says it's a dumb as far back as I remember, I always wanted to be a gangster, but, um,

Boyd, what's his name? Boyd. Is that the guy? Donald Pierce. Oh no, no, that's him.

Yeah. That's the Narcos guy, right? So he's good. I'm not saying he's not good, but he's good in the fucking show. He's great. But,

um, I like the guy. He's awesome. The voiceover dude is hilarious though. It's's great. But I like the guy. He's awesome. The voiceover, dude, is hilarious, though. It's so necessary. And it's so describing. It's like what Narcos didn't know was we were two steps ahead of them. What the Narcos didn't know was we were always two steps ahead of them.

But then what we didn't realize was that the Nar were always two steps ahead of them but then what we didn't realize was that the narcos were four steps behind us so we had to go six steps back now in miami two steps were way different than what it was down in columbia you know we were we were used to two steps in miami but two steps in col in Columbia was technically one and a half steps. Due to the elevation and the drug trafficking, we had to do math and make sure that every one and a half steps we took was actually two steps. This is the way we got ahead of the narcos. And you're just like, uh, okay. It's just showing fucking scrolling shots of, like, cocoa leaves.

Pablo Escobar didn't realize because we had him right where we wanted. But what we didn't realize was that Pablo had us right where he wanted before that. So what we had to do was jockey around and move positions without letting them know, but also we had to keep him right where we wanted. And that was how we got the jump on Narcos. But we got the jump on them, but what we didn't realize was that they were underwater, and you can't jump in water. So what we had to do was, you it drain the narcos pool and you're just like uh

okay and then they fucking stab somebody in the face and you're like oh this show's good you see we didn't realize that the narcos had private jets and they were taking the all the all the coke from one area to another so when we got to the area they were already somewhere else and even though we had them right where we wanted we realized one thing where we wanted wasn't actually where we needed uh then they fucking stabbed somebody in the cock and make them eat it. You see, the narcos were funny. Not funny like ha-ha, but the kind of funny where you just sit back and you look and think, damn, that's funny. So you're taking two steps every one and a half steps,

and the elevation taken into account, because Columbia was a lot lower than Miami. We were used to three feet above sea level, but where the narcos were, to three feet above sea level, but where the narcos were, were 10 feet below sea level. So what we had to do was get taller guys. Oh, you see, when the narcos came, it changed everything. Everything from buying, selling, the government, killing, winning, baseball, shirts, running, aliens, sky. And all those things were two steps ahead of us. And then somebody gets fucking shot in the fucking eye you see what the narcos didn't know was that's every fucking the beginning of every monologue

in the voiceover you see what we didn't know you see what the narcos didn't know was. You see, what Paul didn't remember. You see, what my wife didn't realize was. You see, what the one-year-old baby we just adopted from the narcos didn't know was. Goo-goo-ga-ga. Now, the baby said goo-goo-ga-ga. We didn't know what he meant. But what we didn't realize was, the narcos knew exactly what baby talk was. So we got an informant.

We got someone who could understand baby talk. And his name was Poison. We got Poison talking to that baby. Baby would say goo-goo-ga-ga to Poison. And Poison would ship 20 kilos back to miami that's how the operation was we had them right where we wanted and then they fucking stretch someone's limbs so hard that their shoulders come out of their sockets the voiceover in narcos, dude. Oh shit.

We all had sneakers on. I feel like that in the middle of that show, there could be a voiceover where the guy just for no reason said, we all had sneakers on during this scene. And you just would literally not even realize it. And you'd be, and then they'd fucking, somebody would like, fuck,

like rape someone and then stab them in the head. And then you'd be like, Whoa, this show's fucking gritty. You notice the narcos wearing sneakers? We all had sneakers. Oh, no, get away from me. No. Oh, this show's gritty.

That guy has blue eyes. Oh, this show's gritty. That guy has blue eyes. Um. Oh, shit. More ads. Time to back up this motherfucking Brinks truck, bitch. Blue Apron. Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country.

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Pa-da-pa-pa-ya. Um. We taking over one city at a time I'm looking for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week sometimes I think about how I was married that's crazy dude

I was married 10 years. No, I guess it's like 12 years ago now. What the narcos didn't know was I was married before. And I think honestly, everyone should go through that. And I don't, you know, maybe that's self-centered or egotistical, but going through a marriage when you're young and realizing what it is, talk about fucking big baller brand, dude. Yeah, we getting it in, motherfuckers.

When you get married and divorced after two years, when you're 25, yeah, we getting it in, motherf motherfuckers you know what life's about you know what relationships are about you know you've been through you've been through everything you've been through the relationship you've been through you've been through fuckings you've been through relationships you've been through marriage you've been through everything and you know what the fuck it is man you know what it's like so now when you really get married you know what's up you know what's up dude you get that princess shit out the way and then you get the real fucking shit going on i know it sounds a little defensive and a little you know but i'm telling you man if you're going through a divorce right now and you're young that shit is fucking you know what you're going through some real good candy shit because you need it dude nah fuck candy you're eating if uh some like you know

protein and some shit and some macro you need to fucking grow and develop that's how it is because then you know what it's all about then you're not being a fucking idiot and getting married when you're like 30 and And thinking, yeah, this is what it is. And you don't know what it is. And then you get divorced when you're 35. And she's taking all your shit. She's taking all your money. You don't want her to take all your money.

You want to be fair. You want to give her some money if she helped you out. But you don't want her to take all your money. And take you to the fucking bank. You want her to take all your fucking and take you to the fucking bank um you want her to take all your fucking olivia munn you don't want her to take all your olivia munn sure if she deserves some olivia munn you give her some olivia munn but dude come on man you want to be this guy yeah we getting it in motherfuckers you're trying to be lavar ball with three kids if his wife left him now he wouldn't be bb he'd be b and a half dude he'd be like yeah we kind of still getting it in a little bit but you know how things go it's hard

motherfuckers that's what he'd be doing instead he's got that fucking shit eating grin yeah we getting it in you know what rhymes with shit eating grin yeah we getting it in you know what rhymes with shitting in grin yeah we getting it in motherfuckers so because marriage is real bro once you get the government involved in your relationship uh-oh relationship. Oh, once you get a fucking piece of paper signed and you got to sign it and she's got to sign it because you get married and you get the government involved and you got to go to a courthouse. Oh, what you doing? Hey dude, marriage is a scam, But guess what? We're still going to do it. You know why?

You fall in love. That's what it is, man. Love fucks you up. It really does fuck you up. And people are like, but it's great, but it's beautiful, but I don't know what my life would be without her. I don't know what my life would be without him. I don't know what we would do without our beautiful kids. You know what you'd be doing?

Fucking and sucking and spending money. That's what you'd be doing. You'd have a great life. Lonely? Sure, sometimes. But a lot of times you'd forget your loneliness and you'd be fucking, sucking, and getting it in, motherfuckers.

You know what you'd be doing? Going to the movies if you want. You know what else you'd be doing? Fucking and sucking and jerking if you want. That's what you'd be doing. Sounds like a great life. You could just go on a walk and look at some fucking coyotes if you want. If you got kids and you're married, you can't do that, dude.

You got to fucking designate time for it. All I'm saying, man, one time I had a conversation with an older man at Greenblatt's and he just started talking to me, man. And of course, just like all older guys that start talking to you in diners, he had on tinted sunglasses on. Tinted glasses on. Not sunglasses, but tinted glasses. And he talked to me, man. And he had a fucking beautiful, a little bit longer grayish hair that looked like, you know, he looked a little bit like Jerry Springer if he went on a fucking bender.

But he had like a glow to him. And a collar. He had a collar on. And his skin looked good. Old but good. He didn't have anything that said, hey, I'm not an old guy. He had an air that was like, I'm an old guy and I'm owning it. And he was eating alone at Greenblatt's.

And he started talking to me and my friend. And I don't remember who I was with because that person wasn't important. What was important was me and this guy. and I was going through some shit with a girl and I don't know if he like sensed it or some shit I don't even know if this guy really existed but like he started talking to me and and he was like hey you married and I was like I was married and he was like ah cool I said what about you, what about you? He said, never been married. This guy was in his 60s at least. Well, no, he was in his 60s for sure.

And I was like, no, never. And he was like, no, never. Had a few relationships, but, you know, never was married. Never really had a long thing going on. Now, in my head, I'm thinking, oh, a guy's selfish as shit. Must be crazy. I mean, if you're not married by the time you're 60, or if you never had like a 10-year relationship by the time you're 60 i don't know

man i mean it's probably got a lot of probs you know but this guy with his tinted with his tinted glasses not sunglasses and his long fucking jerry springer hair who looked like jerry springer needed a haircut but he had a glow to him. I told you, he said, I said, do you ever regret never getting married or having kids or anything like that? And he, he looked at me and he said, nah, not for a second. And I know guys who would say that as 60 something years old. And I know that they would say that. And I know I wouldn't believe that, but for some reason I believed this motherfucker. He was laughing. We were talking and he was laughing. He wasn't fooling me with the laugh.

And yeah, maybe he had some fucking demons or some darkness in him. Maybe, but also he was laughing genuine laughs. So what the fuck does it matter what you do? So basically you got to do what you want, man. And if marrying a girl is what you want and being with a guy is what you want, then do that. But don't fucking do it when you're 30, just because that's what happens. You know, if you're young and you fucked up and you got involved and you did it and you got out and now you know what life and marriage is all about, fucking block up, block up, you know? But if you're just fucking doing it because that's the natural progression of shit and you don't want to get the fuck out of that relationship because there's that guy and you could be that guy but you could also be

there's that guy and you could be that guy but you could also be LeVar Ball with three kids and a fucking wife yeah motherfucker we getting it in but the secret is you could be getting it in by just being fucking solo and rolling on your dolo dude

what is rolling on your dolo I don't know I never knew what it was but you can do that roll on your fucking dolo I never knew what it was. But you can do that. Roll on your fucking dolo. You think fucking Daniel Bedingfield isn't rolling on his dolo? He is, probably. And even if he's not, the idea of Daniel Bedingfield is rolling on his dolo.

It's like in Spaceballs or fucking, no, it's like in Spaceballs. Star Wars, when he loses the fucking, it's always inside him. What's that movie where he's like, oh, you lost? It's Spaceballs where you lose the ring and you're like, nah, it's always inside you or some shit. It's not the ring. Whatever fucking movie that is. It's not the ring. It's what's inside. It's inside you.

It's not the ring that's doing it. It's something. It's not a ring, but it's in Spaceballs. It's fucking inside you, dude. I don't know, you know. See, that's why this is a cult, dude. I'm trying to help you motherfuckers. I'm trying to get out to that log cabin

with the surrounding log cabins that are not as good as the one log cabin, and I get that one because I'm the leader. And we're all growing our fucking hair out because we're all trying to look like Jerry Springer after he needs a haircut. And our fucking mantra is when we sit around that fucking,

in that circle, we breathe in and then we breathe out and we say very quietly, yeah, motherfuckers, we getting it in. And then we go out and we say very quietly yeah motherfuckers we getting it in and then we go out and have some activities you know thanks for being a part of my cult try to recruit people by showing them the podcast show them this podcast this episode they'll understand they don't, then they don't get it.

Cults are cool because not everybody is in them, dude. It's not everybody that's in this cult. This is us that's in this motherfucker. This is us that's in this. You think I'm not exhibiting cult behavior? You're out of your fucking mind, dude. Charles Manson just died dude I don't want anyone to die but you know what I'm saying it's like I mean he was a piece of

shit I meant the people that he anyway I'm trying to look at this fucking most fucked up Instagram post of the week and maybe I'll get there and I won't want to do it maybe I'll get to the page where I saw most fucked up Instagram post of the week maybe I'll get there and I won't want to do it. Maybe I'll get to the page where I saw most fucked up Instagram posts this week. Maybe I won't want to do it. And you know what? That's okay because it's what I want. I got these fucking idiots on these fucking Instagrams, dude. These fucking idiots on Instagram,

look at these fucking idiots on Instagram, look at this, I think I already did that one, yeah, maybe I won't do it. Maybe I won't do it. Oh, oh, never mind. Didn't want to do one for a sec, but got to do it here. Hey, guys, it's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. Well, this is one. I wasn't going to do it, but wow week. Well, this is one.

I wasn't going to do it, but wow. I mean, this is amazing, dude. This is most fucked up Instagram post of the week, foreign edition. We've done one before, but these are always my favorite because this guy writes it in English, but is from Switzerland and obviously does not speak English that well. Now, this is awesome because it has all the things the most fucked up Instagram post of the weeks always have but on top of that it has errors and is way too foreign okay here we go uh god this is just one of the best ones i think period okay it has an x like an uh this is the caption for that i'm going to tell you what the fucking picture is it has an x like an uh this is the caption for that i'm going to tell you what the fucking picture is

it has an x like the uh emoji and then it says value yourself and then it has a bunch of lines under it and then it says under that this is the caption a bunch of lines under it like the little short lines that they do to separate the shit even though they don't need to because it's just instagram and he says every day you are telling yourself that you are great will bring you to a more self-confident person. Every day you are smiling for yourself will change your inner beliefs and also inner beliefs, by the way, and also the people hanging around you, your environment, period, not a sentence.

People will recognize, with an S, this aura and make them at the same time feel good too. Sure, okay, that makes sense a little bit. This guy is S-S-Swiss. He's standing outside of his car with an open door, and he's in a field. The car is on in a field. Now, nothing is more Swiss and Switzerland-like. and Switzerland-like, nothing is more Zurich than having a car on grass with a blonde guy in a hoodie standing like he's getting into it with a door coming out. And dude, this is the most Swiss

part. There is writing on the photo, like he put it through an app, and it says, all about smiling. That's more Swiss than Swiss cheese. That's more Swiss than Thalps. That's more Swiss than Thalps. That's more Swiss than Thalps. Do you want to climb Thalps?

Or do you want to fucking put a picture on Instagram and write over it all about smiling? Oh, put all about smiling on there, yeah? Wow, that would be amazing.

Wow, look at that. That's what they did, him and his buddy, who's definitely blonde, too. He's blonde, of course. You guys are the shit. We're going to wrap it up. Uh, we're going to take one question from Keith Halber Zeitler. Jesus Christ. I mean, how did you not become a bad guy with a name like that?

My name is Keith Halber Zeitler. Keith Zeitler. I mean, it's a bad guy. Why do some guys put one hand on the wall and lean at the urinal? Congratulations, Podgaming. You know what? That's fucking weird to do that, actually. You got boner. why do some guys put one hand on the wall and lean at the urinal congratulations pod gaming the system you know what that's fucking weird dude to do that actually you got boner you're trying to angle it you're trying to angle your cock you're trying to name hey dude take the hand off because you're not that tired just chill if you got boner maybe that's why but uh yeah guys

also don't touch the wall in a bathroom. What are you trying to get fucking Hep C? Trying to get Hep C? You got it. Congratulations, you got it. Hey, guys. I have an app right now. Download the app. You got to download the app, okay?

It's Crystalia. I show behind-the-scenes footage from the podcast. I show all sorts of shit. You get to see little clips of one fire. And that's how it is. So do that. Remember, Blue Apron, check out this week's menu and get $30 off your first order with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash congrats. Movement, get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to mvmt.com slash congrats.

Square Cash, have you switched yet? Download the free Square Cash app, design your cash card, get it for iOS or Android now. Now, guys, this is a cult. Help me out. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. It shows video of this podcast.

And for a lot of the stuff, I feel like it's better to see me do it, but I don't give a fuck. If you want to listen to it, listen to it. Download my app, as I said. Go get some merch. We got crazy cool merch. And that's a good thing for gift giving.

The holiday season's coming up. Show people they're fucking cooters. Show them they're not cooters. Show them they're fucking true babies. We got shirts and sweatshirts of all shits going on. You get my fucking silhouette on it. Silhouette. Subscribe, rate, and review the show.

Tweet me by using the handle at congrats pod video episodes go up on tuesdays or wednesdays we keep it lax because we don't know when it's going to get done with the editing we don't know how many visuals we're going to add upcoming shows buy tickets at crystalia.com irvine almost sold out just added another show on sunday san jose san diego new show added Riverside on New Year's Eve come fucking drink some champagne with you motherfucker Winnipeg added his second show Calgary

Canada man on fire incorrigible white male black comic these are all my specials watch and rewatch it like it um I got a new I'm doing a guest spot a few recurring spots on a show called Alone Together

which is on Freeform which I think is actually going to be a really funny show with Benji and Esther Benji and Esther are funny on this show and thank you for listening have a good one my babies see you at the log cabin don't forget to roll on your dolo, motherfuckers.

Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfuckers. Congratulations, motherfuckers. Five years, motherfuckers. Motherfucker right in the motherfucking child, motherfuckers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha