Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 434. That's So Kraven

Episode Date: March 27, 2025

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris reviews the viral morning routine of Ashton Hall that took the internet by storm over the weekend. Plus Kraven, Snow White, and a wedding in Arizona. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 𝕏 X: x.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Yay, dude. Um, we are on and popping and it is episode 434. You know, um, I am going to level with you had diarrhea last night, ate half a pizza, woke up today, absolute volcano. Uh, all, all good though. You know, it's fine. I'm fine. I'm getting through it, but it's one of those things where, um, when I go to the bathroom, it's not that comfortable. Okay. And did that mean, does that mean that I didn't drink coffee today? No.

Does that mean that it got worse? A yes, dude. Drank two cold brews and then some, so it's all good, dude. It is all good. But my, but my my my is it coming out anyway What is the thing that your your insights do when you're done, but they're like you know what we're actually still gonna go When you're like well, but but there's nothing in there anymore and you go We're still gonna pull it. We're gonna get it out though, and you go we're still gonna pull it we're gonna get it out though and you say but it's not yes this you know it's being my anus is being falsely accused here it's not order order order order let's get it all out

no there's nothing I don't I don't I don't know about that. But that's something that we do, right? You know, our tummies are like, I ain't done yet. LL Cool J. I ain't done yet. So so that's what's been going on in my life. You know, we've been having a really great time and all that. But except for that, except for that. I am basically I ate a half a pizza last night, which was the problem, I think. I have decided to eat healthy this week because oh, I don't like that static man I decided to eat healthy this week Because I enough's enough. I I haven't been able to work out. I've been a little bit sick Under the weather and it's just been changing. It's it's one of those

it's one of those six that Just like it starts one way and morphs into something else and then it's like By the end of it, you just got you're just out grumping You know, it starts with like a headache for four days and then you're like, I'm kind of nauseous actually like to say like figured out sickness Dude figured out so anyway it was fine and yes, I still had to go to Phoenix to go to a wedding and it was my wife's cousin's wedding and it was fun and you know weddings are

It's a weird thing because Let's stop You know with with it, right? Let's stop with weddings because whenever a wedding is happening. It seems like oh Dude, this is supposed to be the 1200 still, you know? Some guy is up there giving a speech about your love and you're doing this ceremonial stuff and you're dressing all uncomfortable

and people are like sitting down fanning themselves. Like, what's going on? If there's a wedding going on, there should be someone losing a leg from gangrene, right? Because it just seems outdated. Go to the courthouse and you know what? Go to the courthouse, the money that you're gonna spend on getting married,

spend it on a down payment in the house because the wedding, getting married is expensive. Or buy something awesome that you would love to have. But it is in women's minds ever since birth that they are a princess. Yay! Princess, yay. And that's okay. That's okay, I get it, dude. I get it. Guys have their thing, women have their thing. But the women's thing about the getting married is like whoopsie daisy, sweetie heart. We're in actually the 1200. So, you know, let's update it. Update it.

I do, I do. Let me keep the, you know, however much it is. 100K, I don't know. I don't know how much it is to get married. I have no idea. You can do it on thek, I don't know. I don't know how much it is to get married, I have no idea. You can do it for On The Cheap, I know. So yeah, so Billy was the hit of the party, dude. My second born, dude, he got on stage with the band

and started singing, or not singing, dancing, and just straight up clapping, and it looked like he was going, come on, everybody put your hands together. But you know, obviously he wasn't because he can't talk, but man, that guy was so funny. Calvin discovered coins. So he's like, my son is basically me. I mean, the things he does, it's unreal.

It's what I did. And I go, hey, what the heck? I already did that 40 years ago. But he's like, I'll just do it. I'll just do it now. Like I walked in the room the other day. No, no, I'm sorry. Earlier today, I walked in the playroom and he was, he had a yo-yo and he was like flinging it around. And every time we would fling around, he'd go like this.

Ha ha ha ha ha this. Just like that. And I'd say, what are you doing, buddy? He says, Oh, I'm just pretending people are here laughing at what I'm doing. And I'm like, Oh, Oh, nice to meet you. Me. Oh, I still do that. Oh, Hey, Hey son, that will never go away. Hopefully you don't get the probs I have too.

No. Oh dude, that is so, and then so he collects stuff. So he found out what coins are and my God, dude, he has coins. He put them in his little vest pocket for the wedding. And he had like quarters and pennies and dimes. You know what they all are. But he was just like, he kept pulling one out

and he's like, look, a dime and it will be a nickel. And I had to tell him that, look look that's a nickel dime is small i know it doesn't make sense but the dime is actually the smallest one even though penny is the least amount of money i get it 10 pennies go in a dime i told him that nine times and he never understood it and that's fine he's five but you know uh it's weird what uh he was running around with his core coins and then he fell and the coins went everywhere and it made me feel bad bro Uh... It's weird what he was running around with his coins, and then he fell and the coins went everywhere, and it made me feel bad, bro.

It made me feel bad. I just go... If that happened to me, I wouldn't feel bad, but it happened to my son, and I'm just like, oh, no. You know, it's not bad because he's five. If he was like 11 or far, God, if he was like 15, holy shit. Heartbreaking. If you're 15 and you're holding coins and you fall down and then the coins go

everywhere and you're at a function, heart breaking. If you're five, it's not a big deal because you don't really... It doesn't matter. Look, the bottom line is it doesn't matter. Okay? It doesn't matter. And you know it doesn't matter by the time you're 44, but when you're 15, you don't get it How about when you're four you don't give a fuck when you're five You don't give a fuck and then you get to be 15 and you give so many of the fucks dude And then you got to get to be like 35 before you realize. Oh, yeah, dude I remember what it was like when I was five. Fuck this bullshit.

Right. And you start not giving a fuck. And then by the time you're 90, you just like spit in a Starbucks. It doesn't matter. You're just like, I needed to get rid of the fucking flam. Nobody cares when they're 90. But but and you know what? Who says they don't give a fuck the most? Teens, bro. They'd be like, I don't give a fuck. But they do, though. They do. They do. They do. They're insecure. But when you're four and five, God, it's, you always, I used to talk about this

a lot in the beginning at congratulations, but you always got to get back to that. You got to get back to that four or five, I don't give a fuck with responsibilities of course but you know. But anyway it's a beautiful friggin day here in Los Angeles and I was in Phoenix and bro every time I go to Phoenix I go like this. I gotta maybe kind of think I gotta move here because I love Phoenix so much, dude. I love it, I love it. You drive, you open the windows, it's nice out. The people there are attractive, what? Hi, hi woman, hi guy.

And I don't, I just, you know what, nice, let's not, we gotta put a premium on nice looking people. You don't have to be hot, but be nice-looking, be presentable. If you're gonna go for that disheveled, homeless-looking vibe, you gotta be pretty good-looking, or have something interesting about you, okay?

If you're going for that because you think I can do that and you're just frumpy Bye-bye, that's not phoenix phoenix they go like this. I'm gonna be presentable. I'm gonna be nice looking case closed And they are man. They work out. I mean there's fats, of course, but it's just like Um So I went to I I went to phoenix and that's where the wedding was. And so you know what? Go fuck yourself. How about that?

I'm going to be in Portland on Saturday. I'm going to be in Las Vegas coming up in a week here. I'm going to be in, let's see, I got it right here,ranston, Rhode Island Portland, Maine Casper Wyoming for two shows Cheyenne Wyoming Denver, Colorado New York, New York Boston, Massachusetts Savannah, Georgia Atlanta, Georgia. Look at these Winnipeg Regina Saskatoon for some reason South Florida got some dates Irvine, California, Alabama. Let's go crystal a comm Prish. Um, so yeah, you know, uh, let's look at this here. This here is lit the internet on fire.

Know what I love about this? No music. Morning routine. All right. So let's just break this guy's morning routine down. This one, this one, it's got like 700 million views on Just X. Not even to mention, you know, uh, whatever else there is, Instagram, uh, Reddit, uh, you know, all of the social medias, truth social. Um, but this guy who actually, I, I used to follow this guy a long time ago and he didn't have that many followers and now he pops up here. The guy, I mean, it's, you know, the guy's very fit, uh, extremely fit.

Okay. His name is Ashton Hall, right? Yeah. And you know, he's one of those guys where he's so fit and you're like he's got to be five foot eight right like it doesn't know but there are guys who are six foot two that are this jacked and six foot five that are this Jacked but um So he's like morning routine. So so So here's the deal

The video says at 3 52 a.m. Hey First of all, that's still the other day. Okay? It's not- I don't like mor- The morning thing is like- The guys who wake up early, it's like they fucking think they- they deserve more or they win something.

Hey dude, it's still the other day. Be sleeping still. Wake up at earliest before 6. Earliest. It's still the other day be sleeping still wake up earliest before six earliest and I mean right before dude you start getting into that 530 area your piece of shit. It's still the day before what about sleep? When are you going to bed? 4 p.m. Okay, so 352 this guy's already awake. Okay looking in the mirror with the with the tape over his mouth Which is a thing that's supposed to encourage Nasal breathing sleeping because when you are nasal breathing you're getting better rest for some reason

Even though it seems like with more holes open getting more oxygen would be the thing to do but scientists and doctors Okay, fine. They say nasal breathing is the way to go when you're sleeping so this guy wakes up with one of those mouth patches on because it's like hey dude oh yeah you can't manually close your your fucking mouth while you're while you're sleeping you got to use tape also just put what do you call it regular tape but this case is like for this but this guy's got so he wakes up the purple lighting shit guys who have this purple lighting in their houses and apartments fucking suck you know what I mean hey get a fucking light bulb that's just a light bulb all right the purple like you're like you're in some

brothel like what's going on who's dick you suck who dick you suck in I'll believe this I got dollars name who did you suck in? You know that shit? If you have that purple light in your in your apartment, who did you suck in? Um, gotta hate that static. So 352 he's already awake with the shit in his mouth. This is basically it. Pulls out the toothpaste in a drawer. Guys who wear this tidy are crazy. Is it Saratoga water? Is that what it is?

So this is it. He takes his glass water, switches, so let me get, so 356, okay? So now, so, so swishes water in his mouth, okay? Spit, spits it out, I guess. 4 a.m. now, going to his balcony. It would be great if it just ended after him jumping off the balcony instead of 402 and like he was just on the cement.

Ha ha ha ha. They should make that video, dude. I gotta make that video, I won't make it. So 4 a.m. opens the thing, goes outside. Now it's 4 1 a.m. By the way, if we see you open the door at 4 a.m., you don't have to let us know it's 4 1 a.m. when you cut outside, okay?

Because we get how time works. You don't have to let us know it's 4 o 1 a.m. when you cut outside, okay? Because we get how time works. At least have it be five minutes in the future if there's a cut. There's no time you're cutting here. Who let you suck in? You know what I mean? You don't like or just let the... It's just amazing.

So now 4 o 1 a.m. Okay? Now 4 o 4 a.4 AM he's doing pushups and he's still drinking the Saratoga water. Now let me just go on, but let's go a little bit more first. Okay, now he's sitting drinking water. Now it's 421 AM.

Now he's going and now he's 438 AM. He's sitting at his desk, okay? Now let me just actually mention something first. Okay, the guy got up at 352 okay It's 438 a.m. Okay so far You've done nothing Stay sleeping. Okay, you've done nothing. We could argue you've done four push-ups Okay, all you did was wake up take the tape out, you know, we don't need to see that part. Brush your teeth, that's a given, all right?

You brush your teeth, you drink some water, you walked outside for two minutes. So, so far, stay asleep. You've done nothing. All right, so it's 4.38 a.m. Okay, 4.38 a.m. It was literally him just sitting there. So literally doing nothing, okay?

440 a.m., two minutes later, takes out a journal. 442 a.m. Now listen, if I'm journaling at 442 a.m., that's my last day, do you understand? That's the last day I have. And I haven't gone to sleep yet, okay? Because I'm writing a slower side note journaling at 4 42 a.m is unless your mormon is fucking insane and he's not mormon because

he's black so anyway let's keep going watching on his phone a service at 4 55 a.m. stay sleeping did nothing so far okay sleep is more important than you know okay 5 30 a.m. puts ice in a bowl and then for when was that hold on when was that okay 5 56. When was that? Okay, 5... 56 AM. Put water in a bowl, massage. That's Saratoga water now. And then puts his face in the bowl. Okay? This is very expensive. This is like $8 a bottle. So the guy's already spent... It's fucking 6.01 AM. The guy guys been up for two hours, and he already spent for some he already spent you know 30 bucks, I don't know how he did it, but he's not even done anything

so basically could be sleeping still And saving money dude. This is The guy just gets up for no reason and then just loses money. This is great. This is fucking fantastic. All right All right, so six oh one he ties his pants gets dressed six oh three Shoes six. Oh seven puts ring on six. Oh seven Rolex key Fanny pack over his got that over the shoulder bag six twenty a.m. All right now he's going in the elevator 6 23 a.m. Okay 638 a.m. That's when he starts running on the treadmill. I'm gonna give it to him. That's when you did something So hey guy wake up at 6 20

Okay, you'd get more sleep and you'd save money because you're drinking those Saratoga bottles of water get more sleep and you'd save money because you're drinking those Saratoga bottles of water. Now he's leaving 7 30 a.m. 7 31 a.m. Goes out to the pool at 7 31 a.m. Okay now I want you to understand what happens here it says 7 31 a.m. He walks out of the pool to the pool now he's taking his he includes a shot of him taking off his shoes at 7 o something 7 30 something a.m. And then 7 36 a.m Okay, he jumps in the pool. He goes to jump in the pool at 7 36 a.m. Okay, that's what he does in The air It goes from 736 to 740.

So editor, fix it or you hung in the air for four minutes as part of your morning routine. Worst dive ever. Gets out at 751. So was in the pool, let's think about this, was in the pool for 7.30, 7.40. So was in the pool for 11 minutes. For fucking what?

You know? Okay, flights on air Canada. How about Prague? Ooh, Paris. Those gardens. Gardens. Amsterdam. Tulip Festival.

I see your festival and raise you a carnival in Venice. Or Bermuda has carnival. Ooh, colorful. You want colorful. Thailand. Lantern Festival. Boom. Book it.

How did we get to Thailand from Prague? Oh right, Prague. Oh boy. Choose from a world of destinations, if you can. Air Canada. Nice travels. Wow. Oh boy, choose from a world of destinations if you can air Canada nice travels Then goes into the I guess that's a hot tub 8 a.m. Walks out Gets in the shower 8 30 23 guys still kind of hasn't done shit. You know, I mean he ran I get I get that

he ran but like Let's just keep going and And then grabs the towel. Eight 53 puts a, okay. Eats a banana, rubs a banana peel all over his face. I love how, and this is eight 45 AM. Okay. Uh, I love how he rubs the banana peel all over his face. First of all, that's fucking, uh, that's not, don't do that.

Right. Just don't do that. I mean, imagine just like the rest of the day just you smell like bananas, bro Because he did it after the shower You fucking who wants to be walking around bananas on their face all day. Okay, and I like how he broke the banana to eat it Not that he didn't do it the gay way It would have been great if he did the gay way, but why is he looking at himself eating a banana? That's kind of weird. All right, so then cooling off his face. Now, now, now, now,

now this is my, this is my favorite part. I think, I think, okay. Uh, an assistant puts a, uh, another bowl of ice water. Now it's probably that Saratoga water. So he's, you know, this guy's losing money. Um, and they, he puts the bowl in front of it. He puts, he puts his face in the fucking bowl Why how hot is this guy? This guy just needs to keep it. Oh, man. Hey bring that bring ice cold water. What the fuck like who I? Suppose this is for health or vanity

Hey, I'll die sooner. Hey, I'll look uglier I don't want to be wet all the time or I guess this is how he has to wash the banana off you know what is this guy doing to his face a face just be a face don't put produce on it and stop drowning yourself so so looking at it bro bro wrong voice. I love that part. He's got the wrong. So looking at it bro and and and and then and then what he says is fantastic. The party clip. We gotta go ahead and get in at least 10,000. And there's a cut in the middle of the sentence, which I love so much that the time doesn't change and it does change when he cut in the middle of the sentence, which I love so much. And the time doesn't change. And it does change when he jumps in the air into the bowl. So that's amazing. So looking at it, man, we've got to get in at least a 10,000 dude.

Then nine 17. Finally, he starts making breakfast. The guy's going to be hungry as shit. But then I may be home. What if afterwards he ate the eggs he's making and the bacon, he rubbed it all over his face. Okay. Oh, he just does that for every meal.

Okay. Cooks. There's, okay he just does that for every meal. Okay cooks. There's Okay They just give it to him Another Saratoga water dude Saratoga water through the roof The the the this is such a good. What do you call it? Promo for that. Oh And look, it's on the explore page here Ashton Hall's viral routine

Imitation or satire is fitness who's gonna tell him they're making fun of our so it speaks on people stealing his comment and routine Okay, hold on So many videos are being sent to me duplicates of my videos This is for the creators that are sick and tired of their work being copied listen to me well you're either going to be a leader or a follower and it's okay to be either one but you have to choose if you're going to be no you don't people are going to follow you what is the issue i realize that god has me here to lead not to follow anyone so that's what i'm gonna do when i see somebody following the way i should. Now, I'm not perfect by any means.

Guys that do this, look, this guy's quite great. I have no idea. I mean, he sounds... Everything is crazy, you know? I have no idea. He could be the nicest guy in the world. But guys who say, I'm not, listen, I'm not perfect, they are.

And women, men and women who say, look, I'm not perfect are so Deeply fucked you know Look, I know I'm not perfect. Nobody's perfect. Hey Hey Stick it pissed off the running videos the ASMR workouts. I'm not gonna act like I'm a saint I used to block anybody who was doing anything similar to me. That was me. I'm blocking them screw them How could they copy my work? I work so hard for this. What's wrong with this, dude?

Why do the same thing as me? What is up? Then I realized bro, like people follow Jesus Why cuz he was great as a Christian man. Why are you angry if they're following you matter of fact? Oh, dude, oh This is great This is fantastic. I didn't see this. Oh My god somebody under it says calm down Jesus walked on water it took you four minutes just to dive in it That's hilarious doing something good with good intentions This should be a great thing so coming from someone who's been in your shoes, just know, if people are doing what

you're doing, after they see what you're doing is working for you, you're doing something right. Don't allow this to get you upset. This is the name of the game. I'm going to make that same video. I'm going to make that same video. What is who? It is crazy how the internet can just I mean this guy's the new Hawk to a also why is he mad yo wait what's this bro led his way to an

eviction what's this um oh man these people and then they're just doxxing him and shit he got evicted I guess or man I don't know, who knows if that's real. But, like, Jesus. Okay, well... He... Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha! Somebody wrote, one minute later, and it's a picture of him putting his face in the water bowl. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Bro... Ah... My nightmare is to come off the way that I don't know I'm coming off. And that's what I, I, I, I feel like that's mainly what social media is. He is just like, um, Jesus, I guess.

Wow. That is incredible. That is just incredible. He responds. Oh, this is what you sent here. This is the thing. That's the thing that you sent me. He said he's like Jesus. Well, so why is he mad that... Well, so why is he mad that? So what? So the guy, imagine him setting up the camera every time to do this. I got it. I should do one and just it's me sleeping.

For like, and then like 11, I wake up. Wow, the ASMR thing is just fantastic. Doing it in the day of a comedian would be fucking amazing. Who did you suck it? Hell yeah, dude. Have you said thank you once? That's still so funny, dude. That's still so funny. Have you said thank you once? The fact that it's a little bit far away is fucking unbelievable dude.

They didn't even mic him. Yes, they were micing the other guys. That is unbelievable dude. Everybody's talking like this and you know, you got fucking Zelinsky and you got Trump like this and you get Have you said thank you once just didn't Mike them didn't Mike the VP fucking amazing, dude. I Love it. I love life. I Love life when shit like that happens. Oh I go on stage, oh, he doesn't have punchlines.

Doesn't matter, love and life. I don't like punchlines. I don't want punchlines. I don't wanna hear them, dude. I don't wanna hear them, I don't wanna say them. Yes, of course, they'll happen when I'm on stage just because that's the nature of the beast and I'm up there and I'm doing stand-up comedy,

but guess what though, dude? This is the shit that makes me realize I'm living life. I know you realize that the VP is Fucking That is odd. Do you understand how unreal that is dude? There's three guys and He's not miked. Yes dude that's unreal that is unreal. There's three guys and that so according to Trump the enemy was miked and he's not. Have you said thank you once? Like he's coming like he's up stairs dude You guys are being loud that's that energy you guys should get to bed bro that is Go fuck yourself dude that is so fantastic and that is what

Go fuck yourself dude, that is so fantastic and that is what hahahaha I will think about that for minutes at a time How dare you if you say I don't How dare you, how dare you How dare you hahahaha We're really firing on all syllables lately. I will tell you that much, dude.

I will tell you that much. Um, God, that's amazing. God, I'm, you know what, dude? I don't say this often, but I am beside myself with that. Here's a holler that I got. Hey, Chris, hope you and the family are doing well. Love your hard work. I've been told I have a similar laugh to yours.

Can't wait to laugh my ass off into intensive care in Regina. That's if you want, some guy ordered that for me. That's nice, I guess. Go to holler.baby slash Chris, Chris Thalia, if you want to purchase a shout out or mini ad on this podcast. Regina, I will be there and let's do it. I've been to Regina before. Get your tickets at Chris Thalia.com. I watched Craven last night, dude. What? Hey, Craven. Get out of here.

Dude, Craven. First of all, Craven. That's so Craven. Dude, first of all, dude, Dude, first of all, dude, it's the Marvel movie where you go like this. You had a great run, guys. Good job. I was with you. Look, I rode through Morbius. I rode through Medemweb. Hey, Craven, congrats. Hey, what are you doing with that cake?

Oh, that's right. You took it. Because it is over. That takes the cake. Bro, first of all, the guy's so ripped. I get it, but like, let's go back to superhuman strength doesn't necessarily mean striations. It means, you don't need to be muscular

if you can have like laser beam eyes. You know what I'm saying? Like, why are these guys all jacked? It's such an excuse for these actors to be vain. Fine. And by the way, I like the actor who played Craven, okay? I like him. He's cool looking.

He's a good actor. This movie, everybody is bad in this movie. The director just like unlocked the secret of bad acting. If every, if there are some bad actors in your movie, that's not on you. If every actor is bad, you go to director jail, man. Hey, Craven. The actor is bad? You go to director jail, man. Hey. Craven.

The full name is like Kravinovitz or something. It's so funny. It's fucking... So first of all, it's one of those comics that, by the way, like Superman. Superman has a lot of contemporary themes, but also it's outdated Superman's outdated and if Superman's outdated Craven is forget about it because they didn't think enough about Craven they think about Superman Superman is a legacy So it's been forever. So they had to develop that into dude. Craven was just like oh there remember Craven

They these kind of like the bad guy to spider-Man, and then he wore that coat. Dude, he wore the coat that was like a vest, but that had the big puffy thing on the back of his neck. The kind of coat that, you know, who would wear it, Jason Momoa would wear it when he goes on Conan or something. And you'd be like, fuck this guy. Yeah, that coat. That's Craven. So we can make a movie about him,

but you didn't think about it enough dude you know how I know because in the 40s or whenever craven when was craven made when was it made but whatever craven happened a lion attacked him and he got lion powers hey Hey, corny. OK? That's only OK if you're saying it like this. Hey, I've got an idea. How about one guy gets powers because he gets attacked by a lion, and then he's got,

then he harnesses the power of a lion? Isn't that right? Yeah, that's a good idea. Sure it is. Yeah, I like it too. Shut up, you bitch. You know, because it was the 40s. You're a stupid asshole, you stupid bitch.

Only talk when I, when I ask you to talk. Anyway, we'll call him Craven. What's that mean? Oh, why I oughta... It's okay. I did that. Don't do that. But you know what I mean? Um, make your hair look shitty. Don't do that. But you know what I mean? Um... Make your hair look shitty. Make your hair fucking too much with the gel and clumpy and fucking po- And- and- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Stupid thing, you stupid wench. See you next Tuesday.

Anyway, get out of here. Let's make Kraven, boys. Dude, in the movie, the lion attacks him, eats him all up, and then they do a very close cinematic shot of the lion's blood dripping into the human's blood and that's what makes him craven. Hey, the lion already ate him. They don't need that part. Have it work with only the bite or the saliva or the blood's involved already. You don't need a closeup of a drop of blood to go into a human and be like, Oh, that's how we got the lion powers. Also, it's not how you got lion powers. I know. Suspend your disbelief, update it,

at least make it somewhat. I mean, I don't know, dude. It was just so, it was so, and then Russell Crowe is just like, I am in this too. I am in this too. I am in this movie, too Uh, it's it's just truly bad. It's the worst marvel movie there is and and some people be like nah morbius. Nah, madame web Nah, no No no no Characters were just running around doing shit that they wouldn't even do. There's a woman in it

that, like, isn't in it the second half of the movie for no reason. Like, what happened to her? She was a superhero, too. And then there's, like, a brother of his that does impressions. And then in the last scene, he goes to a doctor and becomes a shapeshifter. I mean, I'm not even saying things that aren't...

This is what is in the movie. And they get the nerve to, in the beginning of it, have that flippy Marvel fucking comic book logo thing in it. It's like, don't even... Don't even bother. Just have it start. God, it's so bad, dude. Craven. It's number four on Netflix right now. I watched Craven and then I watched... I don't know, I've been wanting to see this movie Bone Tomahawk. Have you guys seen Bone Tomahawk? Oh, you do not want to see that movie.

It is fantastic and it is a horror movie about the Wild West and it's just incredible how they made it. The Wild West and it just incredible how they made it. And it's very violent, uncomfortably so. And it but but I didn't know that when I started it, otherwise I may not have watched it. But it is so good. And it came out what I'm and I actually I've been thinking about it today. Uh, what? One. OK, so Birdman won Best Picture this year.

I did not see Birdman. OK, and I know every time I say I didn't see Berman, people are like, what, bro? Bone Tomahawk should have been nominated for Best Picture. I fucking said it. I said it. Now, there's an example of there are, and I'm not going to say who, there are bad actors in that movie that are great,

and that's hats off to the director. Because if everybody's good in your movie, it's because of the director. I'm not going to say who I think is a bad actor, but dude, that fuck, man, the movie's so, it's because of the director. I'm not gonna say who I think is a bad actor, but dude that fuck it man, the movie's so, it's a, oh man, and so I realized today that should be nominated for Best Picture. Nominate, let me see what was nominated. Nomina-nation. Okay, American Sniper, Birdman, Boyhood, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Imitation Game, Selma, The Theory of Everything, and Whiplash. There's never been a year where I've seen less movies. I have not seen one of those. I have not seen one of those. Wow, that's unreal.

Wow. Wow. Wow. These are movies that you hear about too, still. Whiplash? The fuck is boyhood. The theory of everything. Dude, don't be so lazy with your title. Um, how about this fucking thing I saw on the internet? I found it interesting. And I know obviously people think it's this is interesting.

Women of LA, what is this? Women of LA are invited to a wiki workshop of the fucking wiki for Women's History Month set. Women's History Month is March or April? Is it Women's History? I didn't even knew about this. There's 12 months, you know? It's March, all right, so you got African American history, Black History Month, you got women, then you got women's right after that, okay? Then there's like Asian heritage or something,

and then there's gay month. And, you know, there's four months that you get to the point where it's like, well, who gets the rest of them? Right? Cause you're going to be, if you keep doling them out, so stop now, because if you keep doling them out, you know, pretty soon Indians are going to be like, what the hell? We didn't get one. You know? And so, let's stop.

You know? Also, here's the thing, dude. If I was a minority, and you give me a month, ah, I don't want that month. I don't want it. I-I-I-I- First of all, I decide what month I get. But I don't get any month month because I'm just chilling.

I don't need a month. What are you doing? The second, because whites will become a minority and then maybe at some point you'll get a month or something. Whites get white month or whatever. Dude, I am not accepting that month, dude. No matter what the month is, I don't care what it is. I don't want any of that month, dude. No matter what the month is. I don't care what it is. I don't want any of the months, dude.

I can be such a minority that there's only one of me. I don't want a month. I don't want it. That's not how you fix things. Just fucking be nice and move up in line. You know what I'm talking about? The Peter Bergman case, this is something I looked up pertaining to the mysterious death of an unidentified man in sling Sligow County counties Ireland on around June 16 2009 that's when

Tupac was born June 1st, 1971 The man using the alias Peter Bergman had checked into the Sligo Sligo City hotel on the 12th of June where he stayed During the majority of his visit to Sligo Sligo Sligo Captured on CCTV through the town. However, the details of his actions in terms are no so this guy his body was discovered on the 16th, and apparently this guy just appeared out of nowhere. Nobody knew who the guy was, and the guy checked into a hotel,

and is like, I'm this guy, nobody ever heard of him, and he's got him wandering around on CCTV footage and then dies. So the guy just existed for all we know for four days. And who was he? Was he someone else trying to, you know, hide and then by mistake died or meant to die or is he an alien that came down, you know what I mean? I mean I don't actually think

that but nobody knows who he is, has no roots as Peter Bergman. And I guess he drowned, but there are no signs of foul play. I found him on the beach. The man was in very poor health. Oh, he had advanced stages of prostate cancer and bone tumors, geez. Okay, well this is just weird, but what a way to go, dude.

You know, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta get go- I gotta do that when I get older. I gotta fuckin... Just change? Four days before- You know what? I'm actually this guy. Fuck it. I'm not telling anyone where I'm going. I'm going to a Stikken Hotel. I would do it and I would be, hey, I'm, I'm Bill.

Uh... Cherry, Cherry Pop. I'm Bill cherry pop oh yeah yeah I've got to check in here okay wait are are you not Chris Alia fuck I'm made I said I'm Bill cherry pop I'll be around for four days don't tell any hey come. Don't tell anyone I'm Chris Lea. You think they'll know if they find me? That I'm not Bill Cherrypop? That I'm Chris Lea the comedian? I'll just go home and wait for natural death. Um... Um, there is, Oh, this is so dude.

I love this bro. I love this. This is so funny to me, dude. Okay. The there, this guy's recording a woman. I mean, she looks like she's 20, 21 walking down the street in bikini, right? Hot, you know, and knows it walking down. There's a, there's guys walking by her, the camera POV walking by her.

And there's a guy behind her driving driving riding a bicycle in the same direction so he's seeing behind her and then he has him he sees he's being filmed and then says this just looks right into the camera looks right at the camera. Looks right into the camera says, holy shit. Get on him, dude. And he said, you look beautiful to her. Look at this. Holy shit. Wow. Beautiful. Thank you.

Dudes be, bein' dudes, man. Why did a science page post this, you know? Science fun. What's up with fucking Instagram? You're either gonna be a leader or a follower, and if people are following you, you're like Jesus. So that's all I'm saying. That's great. One time I was, this was probably 15 years ago, but I was in Sacramento, I'll never

forget this. I was walking by a woman and she, I guess was hot. I don't even remember her, she, I guess was hot. I don't even remember her, but I guess she was hot. And then I turned around and looked at her after I walked and there was another woman that was walking behind her, not with her, like a different, not part of her group. There was one woman and then another one woman, separate.

And that woman looks at me and says, oh, come on. And I go, fucking what? Dude, fight your own battles. Don't be mad at me, cause you're, dude, and of course she was, you know, three or whatever, but it's like, I don't know. It's's that's like the internet in real life you know Elon

and this guy just this is got it dude there's always a woman in the This is... God, dude, there's always a woman in the background ruining it. A video. You know what I mean? Like, it's always a woman in the back just like, Dude, it's like, shut the fuck up, we're recording, you know? My wife just opened the door But it's like every time you record and some there's a some woman across the street. That's just like

It's and you're like dude can someone's recording operate under that Operate with that knowledge listen to the Operate with that knowledge. Listen to the... Elon Musk with his... which by the way, Elon Musk just becomes more and more autistic as time goes on. And he is just like, continuously giving examples of like, hey, you know, I'm autistic. Like he's sitting there with the... doing this with the forks. He's just got like five forks together balancing them. And then some woman

like how is there, there's also a man talking, but you don't even register it, dude. Women, they just don't talk at the right volume. It's either too loud or too soft. It's, it, hey, Women, they just don't talk at the right volume. It's either too loud or too soft. Hey, it's either too loud or through a door and you're like, can I just, can we talk about it after I'm shitting? The sink is on.

If the sink is on, my ears might as well be filled with cement. Don't people realize this? My wife will just, you know, will wake up, an hour will go by, nobody will say shit. We'll just, you know, be in. And then, finally, walk in the bathroom. You know, you're gonna be in. And I go, oh oh are you fucking kid I turn the sink on I Closed the door to say if that's when you want to bring up what we got to do next Tuesday, ah fuck

And then there's Now, if I'm there and that woman's doing that, it better be so fucking fun what's happening, okay? Because if it's not, I gotta tell you to be quiet. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You gotta, you know, Elon's doing his fork thing. Someone is definitely videoing it. You're gonna ruin the video. And also, it's too high pitched anyway,

even if no one's recording. And it's not that fun, okay? Now I don't want to say you shouldn't have that much fun. Have that much fun, but be fucking quiet about it, right? Yeah, I'll have the chicken Um Yeah, yes, thank you very much chicken with that way, but what does it come with yeah mashed potatoes Of course cuz everything comes with mashed potatoes. You know, I hate it. Yeah, great So it's either short ribs and mashed potatoes or chicken mashed potatoes you guys are trying to get rid of the mashed potatoes, right?

Okay, cool. Yeah, it's a function, right? You just trying to get rid of mashed potatoes Yeah, just bring it Why don't you just bring a whole fucking play of mashed potatoes you try and get rid of it mashed potatoes, right? Okay, cool. Yeah, it's a function, right? You're just trying to get rid of mashed potatoes? Yeah, just bring it. Why don't you just bring a whole fucking plate of mashed potatoes and just try and get rid of it. And I'll just fucking throw it, because I hate mashed potatoes. Even though everyone says they like it,

and it's a waste of time to eat it. So go ahead, have it here. It's just butter. Just eat butter. Come on, come on. Bring a bunch of butter. Hehehehehe. The chicken's gonna be dry, right?

Oh, naturally, of course it's gonna have green things on it. Bring that and a bunch of fucking, dude, because if you're at a function, bro, there's beef or chicken, fuck you. Or there's like a veggie, like, which, if you're getting that, you're fucked anyway, right? Because they're like, ah, they try to make it interesting. They're like, ah, well, we have actually what we have, and you're just like, dude, you know what? Just put grass on my plate and bring it up here. I'm not going to eat it.

Or I'll have the beef or the chicken. Fuck you, dude. Hey, uh, you know what? I want something else Okay, give everybody barramundi give give everybody period We're eating a fucking chicken pot pie now here Or or make a turkey sandwich for everyone, dude I you go to these functions and it's like did you order the chicken or the beef and you just want to be like?

Why is it the why why is it these dude? You're just trying to serve me fucking mashed potatoes admit it You just whipped up a bunch of fucking irish potatoes And you put loads and loads of butter in it and you just want to fill me up with these goddamn potatoes mashed don't you don't you you didn't make them scalloped did you no you're not even making me an interesting way you just mashed them all up like a piece of shit you know and I got to sit here and be

like chicken it's oh is it dry and are there green things? Beef Short ribs go fuck yourself. It's not short ribs. You just cut the cow up and put it down Get out of here. Oh, what's it come with mashed potatoes and nine asparagus? Fuck out of here. The ends of this asparagus are too fucking rubbery always and you know it cut the bottoms off Only give me the tops of the asparagus. You're fucking skating by this dinner, dude You're skating by this dinner aren't you? You're on thin ice with this fucking

Hey, what's everything oh you got a message everyone got a match potatoes and the green things on your chicken. And you got the short ribs, even though it's not short ribs. It's just a fucking. Yeah, they're trying to act like a short ribs and it's just beef. And you got the fucking asparagus, right? And you got and taste the bottom of the asparagus. Go ahead, do it. Do you hear it? Do you actually hear it when you're chewing it? Then that means it's too rubbery. So, you know what? Make them eat it because fuck this.

And you know, they didn't even take your time, dude Everybody's getting sea bass everyone's getting fucking You know Vegetables got to get going though, by the way, how is fruit so fucking amazing and vegetables are just dog shit you know? What's the yellow one? Squash? Fuck out of here. They didn't even even the name is shit. You know might as well call it crumple. You're not eating your crumple. Dude, you know, does anyone eat gourds? That's a vegetable, right? Pumpkin shouldn't be eaten.

Pumpkin pie, fuck out of here. No, he's shaking his head. I've won fire, but no, we know the truth. Anyway, I got a little bit off there, but basically everyone's eating barramundi if you're having a function. Is that even something? I don't even know. But Trump's so autistic, it's unbelievable, and that's fine.

But when he wears that fucking dark MAGA stuff, you know? That's incredible. Bone Tomahawk's crazy, dude. They take a guy and they put him upside down and they start fucking chopping his anus. That's after they scalp him. Yeah. So yeah, so yeah. So don't watch that with your mother-in-law. This doesn't happen. It could, but you know, and maybe once in history or twice, because everything's

happened, but you put a bunch of monkeys in front of a typewriter and they'll come up with some Shakespeare eventually, right? Anyway, we should have what we should have watched planes This right here and then we are we out don't the don't do Africa that start with the letter a killed it that's great a guy asking a black guy can you name me two countries in Africa to start with the letter a that's great That is just great. Oh, at the end he goes...

and walks away backwards. Dude... Guys who go up to the... you at the mall with microphones... die in a fire. That's... so annoying. Nah. Nah. This is my show now. I go like that. And today we're talking about assholes. How's it feel? We've got our first asshole on this show. How's it feel? Please

answer. Yeah, we're so glad for you to join the show today. You piece of shit out here in front of fucking roots or whatever the fuck roots limited Outside out for in front of them Sharper images that still exist. I don't know got his kid sharper image was this shit. Wasn't it you go you walk in and you go The future? Yeah. And you go, Dad, can I get the lamp? That's the fucking... I don't know.

Can I get this thing? The electricity goes to my fingers. Why do you want that? I don't know. I'm six. Uh, anyway, I'll be in Las Vegas. I'll be in a bunch of different places. Go to chrisaleah.com, South Florida. Go get your tickets. Alabama. And I will see you there. Thank you very much. Sign up for the Patreon. Fuck you, bitch!