Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 436. Fail To Succeed

Episode Date: April 3, 2025

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is now available to watch on YouTube: WATCH 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week we've got shows in Portland, Kanye in robes, and an epic clapback from a US congressman. Plus acting lessons from a podcast. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/chrisdelialive 𝕏 X: x.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by FX's Dying for Sex on Disney+. Based on the podcast of the same name, Dying for Sex tells the story of Molly, who is diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Determined to feel everything she can before she can't feel anything, she decides to leave her unhappy marriage to explore her sexuality, with some encouragement from her best friend Nicky. FX's Dying for Sex, streaming April 4th only on Disney+. Sign up now at DisneyPlus.com.

To support sustainable food production, BHP is building one of the world's largest hot ash mines in Canada. Essential resources responsibly produced. It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company. RUNK! Hey, what's up? And this is the new episode, which is you're doing right now. Well, no, no, no, stop. Cue it up. But listen, I dropped my special, my last special

on YouTube and I would appreciate it if you guys would go watch it, leave a comment if you're a true baby. That helps apparently. And if you have, if you can like it or whatever, I don't know, share it with a friend, you know? I appreciate all of you guys. You know, it was definitely the hardest whatever, I don't know. We share it with a friend, you know, I appreciate all of you guys You know, it was definitely the hardest hour that I've ever done. It came out a while ago a long time ago years ago on my website

But now it is out on YouTube. It is a cut version. It's a little bit cut down So you can still you can still get it on my website if you want the full uncensored version. But you don't have to. So I appreciate you and thank you so much for that. But yeah, please go check it out if you haven't, or even if you have, check it out. Because all that stuff helps. Obviously, I'm doing it myself here. So, I mean, you know, it's good. It's fun and it's awesome. All right, guys. So, oh, also, you know, we just got an upgrade.

Let me upgrade you. Is that a song? We got an upgrade and I don't know what we changed. Why? I know what we changed. I don't know what the deal is. Cause this thing, this zoom, which is you can see it on the YouTube on the podcast

and the audio version, I'll just tell you, it's a small recorder, handy recorder it's called, and it's so sticky and that's disgusting and the light wasn't on great. Yes dude! And just basically need three things to work and one of them wasn't so that's great. But the handy recorder was sticky. I cannot believe we've had that for seven or eight years. And the thing that we did get, we'll take a picture of it and put it up here, is basically a drone.

It's so big, it's so nice, and it's so great. And now we're really firing on all syllables because this is crazy, it's different colors. I mean, it's the size of a pizza box. So we're really doing well here at Congratulations Studio, finally. I really appreciate you guys for listening. I got a bunch of store dates coming up, you know that.

You know, I'm gonna be in Denver. I'll be in Las Vegas this weekend, Cranston, Rhode Island, Portland, Maine, Casper, be in Denver. I'll be in Las Vegas this weekend, Cranston, Rhode Island, Portland, Maine, Casper, Wyoming, Denver, New York, Boston, Savannah, Atlanta, Georgia, there we go. And then some Canada dates and then South Florida dates and a bunch of different ones. Just go to chrislea.com.

I'll be in Alabama too for some reason. And so yeah, so that's that. And it's all new. People are asking too about the special. They're like, are you doing different stuff? Are you doing different material from when you have the thing that you put out? And it's been already two or three cycles of material.

I haven't shot another special yet. I guess I might, I don't know. I put clips up. I don't know. I'm very, very, very I'm very, very bored with my material. So but that's what that that's that. Anyway, enough of that. I love my material when I first think of it. Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it, dude. And after about six months, I get bored of it, or eight months. But anyway, I was in Portland the other day, and Portland is actually, look, the shows in Portland are great, okay? I always, I actually, I've never had a bad show in Portland.

I mean, Portland audiences are amazing, and I don't, you know, they get a rap for being woke and not, you know, and humorless, but it's just not. That's not the case. That's not what I find when I go and I perform. And now, of course, I'm big enough that my audience is gonna find me, I get it. But I mean, it was just so great.

And I like being in the shows. When I walk outside in Portland, I feel immediately like everyone's gonna hate me, okay? Just being there, just because, Macys, a Macys white dude. And when I walk outside in Portland, I always figure I'm closer to getting stoned. You know what I'm saying?

By ladies with purple hair. And it is weird actually how many people have colorful hair in Portland. I know it's a stereotype stereotype but it is also true. You know, it's like the ones where Asians can't drive and you know and that's not okay that I said that but I did and it doesn't matter and I'm joking but am I? Do you know what I'm saying? But the Portland one is real. The Asians can drive into things and so but the the the Portland one is real.

It's a parking spaces, dude. That's what I meant. So, or did I? You know what I'm saying? But I said it and it doesn't matter. So, but what I am saying though, is the blue hair and the purple hair and stuff and pink hair is so pervasive in Portland

that it's crazy. And I always think they're gonna hate me. And since they all work at coffee shops, because you can't work in a coffee shop in Portland and not have a different color hair than you have. Do you know what I'm saying? And then when I go there, I get the coffee from the lady and she's always not fit, right?

Cause the truth is the, you know, you're gonna, look, there's a theory I have and I've had it for a long, long time and I came up with it when I was 19, okay? And my friend and I came up with it. I don't really talk to him anymore. Jared. He's a great guy. But there are women that are hot and then there are women that are not hot. Okay. Now that's not the theory. Obviously that's, you know, and everyone has his eyes and the beholder, right?

Even, yeah, we get it. And I get it. And of course it is. But some women are not actually hot. They're just disguising their ugliness and you're a dumb guy. Okay. Now there are different levels of that, right? There are different levels of disguising your ugliness, okay?

Sometimes a piercing on a woman is absolutely fantastic. It's super boner inducing, okay? Sometimes, you know, dying your hair or tattoos or, you know, you might even go as far as getting, look, I don't like those big loop where they stretch out the, some people might think that they're very boner inducing and that's fine, okay?

I don't, but the more you do that is basically saying to the world, K, I don't like the way I came out. All right? I'm gonna stick a bunch of shit in me, on me, around me. So I look different this way, at least I'm in control of it. Okay? Now what I'm doing is disguising my ugliness. What you don't know is, uh, what, what you, what you may not know is that person

may not be aware that that's what they're doing, especially anymore. It's 2025. Okay. It's 2025. So if somebody is disguising their ugliness, fine. And then somebody sees that person disguise their ugliness. Fine. They go, okay, well, we can disguise ugliness is all on subconscious level, but

then you start getting, that's the cool thing to do. And then the good looking people start doing these affectations and really they think they're looking bad and taking control of it. But what they're doing is actually ending up looking worse. And I know beauty is an eye of the beholder, but also sometimes no sometimes beauty's beauty okay and sometimes the people that are disguising their uglinesses they're fucking up the minds of the people who are actually beautiful okay that that is Portland that's what Portland is, okay? It started with the, you know, the bigger,

look, Portley, that's Portland, right? That's already, but you know, and it's in the zeitgeist there, and then it became the thing to do, the against the grain thing to do. And now the hot people don't wanna be left out, so they go, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, uh, against the grain thing to do. And now the hot people don't want to be left out. So they go, Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, all right. I'll dye my hair that teal, you know, color or whatever. Turn me up at the headphones a little bit. Um, and uh, so yeah, that's good. Um,

so anyway, Portland is wild and it is wild. How many people have that? But so I was at every coffee shop I went to, the person had pig hair and, uh, great, you know, I stayed at the river or whatever. I don't know. My, my, my, my managers always are the travelers. This is what put me up in some place like the river. They they're like, Oh, this would be a good place. It's never near anything.

So I'm like, I'm like on a river, but I can't go to fucking 7-eleven if I want to because it, I'm on, I'm like, you know, and it's supposed to be nice, but really dude, I went to a, a, a, a, what do you call it? The wrong hotel first. The driver took me, the driver was, I got in the car and he was like, Hey, so what do you do, man? And I was like, Oh yeah, I'm a comedian. He's like, Oh yeah, I drive comedians.

I recognize you, but I, I know. Okay. So you're a comedian. He's like, oh yeah, I drive comedians. I recognize you, but I know, okay, so you're a comedian. Yeah, so what's up? Can I come to the show? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do I have like a special like friends pass or like a discount? And I was like, yeah, I guess.

Give me your name, I'll put you on the list." And he says, okay. I give her a name and that I don't know. He said, I'll bring my wife. Ooh. And then halfway through the drive, he was like, Ooh, actually I have plans with people. I was like, just bring them all, dude. You know, he brought five people and, uh, and he brought, and then he brought me to

the wrong hotel. So hey guy, give me back those tickets, right? But then he took me to the right hotel. But the wrong hotel was way better than the right hotel. So now I'm pissed. I get to the wrong hotel and they're all dressed like, in their clothes, like the people behind the counter. One guy's got a fitted on and the other guy's got like a just some shirt that you'd wear

And I said, oh you guys could address how you want. They're like, yeah, it's pretty cool And I go awesome. My last name is Delia and they're like we don't have you here You're at the other hotel so I went to the other hotel and it was all stuffy and fancy and shit and on the river So it's all good, my babies. But anyway, bro, I still can't get over that. Have you said thank you once? And I don't know if I will. It's fantastic. And it did stupid numbers on Instagram and TikTok. But I'm feeling good, man. The show in Portland was good.

I'm having a good time in my life. I feel good. I feel creatively charged. It's been a while since I felt really kind of creatively charged. And I feel creatively charged. Dude, before I even get into stuff, I was in Portland and my friend, Matt Cutshill hit me up.

He's big on online, you might know who he is. And his wife is Ariel Vandenberg. They're both friends of mine. I've known them for a while. And he writes me and he's like, hey dude, we're in Portland now, can we come see you? And I was like, I didn't know you were in Portland. Yeah, awesome.

He was like, okay, cool. So I say, hell yeah, let's do it. I set him up with tickets. I, I, I, I'm texting him. I'm like, yeah, they'll be at the box office, whatever. I'll see you afterwards. So afterwards, this is a funny story. So afterwards the show ends and Matt and Ariel come backstage

and Ariel's like, this is so funny, this story. And I was like, what? And she said, so Matt surprises me a lot going places, which is cool. I think it's sweet. You know, it's a good, great dude. They're great people. I love them. And, um, and, uh, he said, uh, and, and, and he was like, yeah, we're going to do

something, but I'm not going to tell you what, right? So she was like, yeah, we're going to do something, but I'm not gonna tell you what, all right? So she was like, oh, okay. Hamilton, the musical, was playing at the theater that I was playing at for a long time. And it ended like a week before that, okay? So the whole time driving there, she was like, I think Matt's taking me to Hamilton and I can't wait. So she gets there and it's my audience, okay?

They get there, it's my audience in the lobby. And Matt's telling me that she's saying, she said to him, this is a weird audience for Hamilton. Dude, they were they were my audience just a bunch of yis derelicts out in the lobby with life rips merch on not even knowing who Hamilton is right who's Hamilton a president I know that's it and uh is that the one that smashed the slaves? No, that's Jefferson, right?

Who's the one that smashed the slaves? Smashing the slaves, produced by Brad Pitt, probably. With starring. Who's the? Michael Basketball Jordan. I will not get smashed Yeah, and Paul Giamatti. Yeah, you will boy Smashing the slaves

Directed by a guy who won't ever direct anything ever again. So, anyway, dude, she sat in the seat and the opener was on stage who was very funny. Jordan Casper was that his name? I can't remember, but he did really well. Local dude, look him up. And she was like, why is there a comedian opening up for the musical Hamilton? And then I came out and then she got it.

So that's a funny story. And I probably told it to where it kind of petered out, but I don't care. I simply don't care. care I simply don't care I'm simply don't care well we got flagged for this no this is just an original song right this guy Ivan is this right oh dude just Femininity coming around at least amongst the women. Femininity coming around at least amongst the women. Femininity coming around at least amongst the women. Femininity coming around at least amongst the women. Just talking.

Oh, this is like reggae. Hey guy, where are you? Dude, this is a mate. Oh, I could actually really vibe to this. On a date on a first date. So I've got a great place we're going to go to. What's that you say? Hold on a second. What's that you say? Where you wanna go? No, I'm taking you to Ruth's Chris. Nah, I'm taking you to Ruth's Chris, bitch. Oh, dude, that part honestly slaps. Feminism is a problem. Who's gonna raise the kids and keep the fucking floors clean?

Or whatever he said. The patriarchy is under attack, especially on the women of this era. Dude, just talking the Paul Simon of today, but worse. Because Paul Simon would just talk. I don't care what anyone says. A man walks in and then he walks into the grocery store and he gets some lettuce and he's like, oh, my, oh, my. And then he walks down to the car and he goes, hey, pal, what you doing there? And the other guy's like, well, what are you going to?

Well, I'm just having a bad day. And so he starts to take the trumpet out of his bag bag. Oh, and takes it out of his bag and starts playing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call me out, you know. Also, guy, that guy who does this smells bad. I started watching this feminism is a problem. Dude, that actually, let me go back and fuck it. Kind of that, I can't lie that part bangs.

Oh, day in age era dude at least amongst the women of this day and age era Right This part this person. Oh yeah. This part. Oh. Oh. Who gonna make the home and raise the children grow? That's awesome. And he's right, dude. And he's right. How the...

This feminism is a problem. That's why the floor is so messy. And the... And the dishes are in the sink. Feminism is a problem. Why can't I wake up at 11? Yo. Uh, so I started watching this show,

because this made me think of the show, um... Uh, Pa... Paradise, because I saw those, uh... leaves in the back there of the video. Paradise is a show on Hulu, okay? Now, it's a fantastic blend of good and bad. Just a spectacular blend of good and bad. And I love that. I love when a show is bad, but just enough good to where you're like,

when it ends, you go, I don't know, I'll see you in the next one. And it's almost like, how dare they, but they just teeter, you know? And it's with that guy, Sterling, what's his name? Sterling K Brown, of course, dude, because you can't, if you are a respected black male actor, you must at least have the initial in the middle of your two names or the whole name. Turn me up in the house.

And so Sterling K. Brown, and he is a security guy who is jacked, okay? Cause actors, right? All actors are jacked now. Oh, I mean, even, have you seen, who's the guy in the studio that Seth, what's his name? What? Rogan, yeah.

He, even he's like, you're like, oh, but you were a fat guy, what happened? And he's just like an adult now. What happened? Go back. I'm uncomfortable now. But like, actors are so jacked. Even he is like, remember when Jonah Hill lost weight?

And then he was like, nevermind, I can't do it. But like, dude, you're, you're, you're, so there's so many actors that are just jacked, right? And Sterling Brown is, is, is jacked. But he's a security guard. So that's fine. So he can be jacked, right? And Sterling Brown is jacked, but he's a security guard. So that's fine. So he can be jacked. So he either took the part and was like, hell yeah, I'm going to be jacked or hell yeah, I get to now be jacked. And there's an excuse for it, right? And I'm watching the show and there's, dude, this line is in every show or movie and it is my least favorite line in and it is my least favorite most said line in a movie. OK. And I'm talking it's more it's worse than when a guy asks a girl out in a movie and the girl says, I'd like that, okay?

Nobody's ever said that in the real world. If someone asks you out, sweetie, and you say, I'd like that, I pivot, turn around, because you have got some serious issues. Hey, oh, you'd like that, would you? That's me. Hey, I'd love to take you out for some, you know,

some drinks, I don't know what you're gonna do, maybe go to get some cold, honestly, round table pizza has moral combat. I'd like that. Oh, you'd like that, would you? I bet you would moonwalk away back into my car. And so, but this is the one that I can't stand the most. Bro, and the actors never do it right. Cause there is a way to do it actually Actually, it's what makes it so bad.

Right now. A lot of you guys are like, we just fucking say it. Yes, and I will say it, but I need to set this up. The lead actor or the second lead walks into a room. Now, what do we know about a lead actor or a second lead actor? All right, They're hot. 95% of the time, except, you know, you're talking about anywhere from like 2019 to 2023, they put a bunch of ugly people in movies, right?

But most of the time, they're just attractive. Because that's, because, hey, you gotta wanna go see them. If they're the lead, right? Like what's the one in The Last of Us, the girl who plays the, the Ramsey, Gordon Ramsey, she plays Bella Ramsey, Gordon Ramsey's daughter. She doesn't look like the video game girl and she's you know,

non-binary and you know, that was the whole thing that they were going to do with the woke movement that was super weird and people are like, why is she in it because she hasn't looked at the video game person and I don't know. Sure. She's good, but okay. And so, um, this is the thing though. The person's hot. It was just a movie I saw the other day too. Uh, the Eric Bana movie, uh,

the dry Eric Banner is in it and the lead of the movie, the handsome lead of the movie and these stars look like a million bucks by the way. It's that they're not like they got all the face creams, they got all the lighting is on them and they're walking around they feel good too which is like 60% of how you look. They're millionaires and then someone will walk up to that person, the character, and they'll say, well, you look like shit. Dude, no, they don't. Do you know why?

That's Eric Bana. No, you don't. Do you know why? It's Keanu. Hey, these guys, they look like a million bucks. I can't... Dude, I... It's laughable. I want to write a movie where the guy's good looking

and he walks in a room and says, you look like shit, and he says, no, I don't. Are you fucking blind? Anyway, catch me up to speed on this case. Ha ha. Well, you look like shit. Also, here me up to speed on this case. Well, you look like shit. Also, here's the way to do that line. Here's the way to do that line. Oh, well, you look like shit, huh? Be... Be overboard, otherwise it doesn't work. You can't look at a guy who's million bucks

and be like why you look at shit oh god that it actually makes me feel cringe you look like shit there we go because then you don't believe the person saying it because the person is saying it dude I'm just giving you acting tips and it's fine I'm out of Hollywood but right now I'm giving you acting lessons from a podcast Feminism is a problem who's gonna raise the kids when they're so grown But yeah, dude, so I'm watching paradise and they do these kinds of lines and that and it's Sterling K What is it Brown is and it's Sterling K. Brown, they're great actors, him and then James Marsden in it,

who I love James Marsden, okay? Them together is wrong. And that's fine, but whoopsie, right? It's like putting Will Ferrell in a movie with Zach Galifianakis. It's just not right. They're kind of alike and also it's gonna be too much of that and in this case, it makes them both boring.

And I'll still watch it and I won't stop you motherfucker and I won't stop and and he's so jacked and the and the big person's like you're gaining weight and it's like dude he just got dressed and he's just just washboard stomach, just absolutely shredded. You know he turns it out, right? In the, you know, Sterling K. Brown turns it out in the bedroom and you know, you know, he listens to Anthony Hamilton and that's it. When he's making love, you know, you know he listens to Anthony Hamilton and that's it. When he's making love, you know.

Or Joe. Dude! Remember that R&B singer Joe? How could you just go by Joe? The ego. Only an R&B singer, you know? And I'm not saying like look other people have done it like share but there's one share a there's a million

Joes there's there's two Joes in this room right now hey you listening you're Joe this R&B guy was just like, fuck it, I'm Joe. What about the last part? Name, I don't care, man. I don't care. You remind me of a piece of shit. Just R&B songs are so sexist and just so shitty, secretly and also not secretly.

That shit stank below your belt. Um, it's gross and uh... That shit stank below the belt. Oh, you got some serious problems and issues and shit. I'm Joe. Joe who? Fuck you. Your pussy's gonnain' like jeez.

So anyway I um. Your pussy's smellin' like loose leaf paper. So anyway I um. So anyway I um. Your pussy's smellin' like snot. Anyway um. So I. like snot anyway um so I you possess my leg denim on a rack in a second install so anyway I um ah shit dude oh man

Uh... Loose leaf paper, uh... My dad fell in a bush the other day. Moving on. Uhhhh... My dad fell in a bush the just on a walk, you know? So anyway, I'm getting through it. Uh, but I'm just like, uh, I had to go. I had to go, I had a meeting with a producer for dinner. And before that I had to do my Lifeline podcast, you know, the other one's on this channel. And so I had time to kill in between and I didn't, you know, I live further away

from LA now. So I'm like, Oh, I'll just, I'll just go to any place, you know, when you're going to kill time, just like, where's somewhere and you just go and I, it's usually, you know, it's like a coffee shop or like if you're a woman, you'll be like, do I have time to go to squeeze and get a massage? You know, even though you don't, right? I was trying to squeeze, speaking of squeeze, woman was trying to squeeze some shit in, you know?

Yeah, we don't have time. What do you mean? And so, I went into a Starbucks, you know, and I'm not a fan of Starbucks, okay, but I went into Starbucks and I'm like, I'm going to get ice or, you know, four shots over ice. You know how we do it. And I'm in there. Oh, I'm in there. Okay.

I'm in the Starbucks. Look at this. Four shots in there. I'm in there. I'm in the Starbucks. I'm in there. So I'm in the Starbucks. And some older guy comes up to me and he just says, hey, dude, do you have any cash? And I'm like,

oh no, actually I don't. But even if I did, still no. Because whatever is going to get me out of this conversation fast. So if I have to go maybe and then look in my pocket and then he maybe brings up something else and now I'm in a fucking conversation. So I just don't have cash, but I don't have cash. OK. And he says, oh, man, okay, because yeah, I need to,

actually he was Australian, but he was like, I need to get a, I need to do my laundry. I came out here from Australia and I need to do my laundry. And you know, I have money. I just, I couldn't get out of the ATM and I have, you know, this rental car. And when I, I, I, I, for some reason, I should have got money from Australia because of, when I, when I got here, I, I, for some reason I should have got money from Australia because

of when I, when I got here they shut off my ATM card, I guess I had to call them the bank first because I'm, you know, I'm technically, I'm, I'm way far away from home and the bank probably thinks something's up. I could use the touch pad. So what I was going to do is put my touch pad on while you got your Starbucks and if you would have given me the cash, but you don't have cash. And he said all that and in my head I'm only thinking go away it's too long you said too much what's that you said and said to me I haven't said enough said to oh yeah the the speaking army

shut out up dad up oh isn't that isn't that what that is but said too much but he said too much what's the fucking army song where he says says too much and whatever who cares dude this is a podcast it doesn't matter but I can't think of it and I won't think of it. And maybe I even made it up. And so, um, I, I, he, I said, no, I don't. He says, oh, okay. He says, I know I got a rental car and it's like, I did, can I, by the way, I, I, I can go, I can go to the bank, but it's like, you know, it's a big car and it takes a

while to just park it and he just talks to me for I mean I mean like I have time to kill so I don't need to leave I'm in there for 20 minutes and he talks to me for 15 of those minutes and I'm just like alright I'm not getting out of this unless I just go I'm gonna go and then wait in the car but like I'm now I'm like I'm not gonna let this guy make me go wait in the car I'm just like, all right, I'm not getting out of this, unless I just go, I'm gonna go and then wait in the car. But like, now I'm like, I'm not gonna let this guy make me go wait in the car, I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do, and I'm gonna deal with it the way I'm gonna deal with it. If I'm not man enough to tell him to shut the fuck up,

then you know what, I gotta sit here, I gotta have a conversation with this guy. There's all this stuff that's going on in my head, you know. Because I'm normal. And so we're talking and I'm like, only in fucking Hollywood, dude, can you have a full on conversation with somebody you don't know at all for 15 minutes and one of those people doesn't want to have it at all. Now I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking. What? You ever been in New York? I know you're thinking. And no. Yeah, I have been

to New York. No. No. No. New York is the kind of place where if you're at a Starbucks waiting in line, somebody comes up to you and says, when is the fire not a fire? And you say, what? And they say, when's the fire not a fire? And you go, I don't know. And then they walk away. It's quick. It's what the fuck just happened there.

In LA, it sucks because you will be on a full-on phone conversation in real life with somebody you don't know, trying to hang out. It's also the only place where you can un-meet someone. You're like, I already met this fucking guy and they're acting like they just, LA is just wacky, okay? And I, for the first time, I was, because I've been away from LA for seven months and I was, and I, and and I got and I got there and I'm like, oh dude. Oh, hey I thought I was gonna raise kids here Good joke me seven months ago Good joke old me. Ah, I couldn't

It's just unbelievable Ha ha ha ha. I couldn't. It's just unbelievable. So anyway, the guy's my fucking best friend now because he made me follow him on Instagram and I do still, I was going to unfollow him right when I left, but I, I forgot. Cause to me that's like the gangster move. Oh, you won't. I mean, I did, I've done that so many times. People will be like, Oh, follow me on Instagram. And I'll like, Oh, yeah, I will. And be like, Yeah, do it. Do it. Here. Let me show you. Do it. And they go here. Follow. And they go, All right, follow. And they go, Okay. And then we talk and they walk away and go unfollow. Bro, that's what you get. And I can't wait for you to see it. Later, dude. Hell yeah, man.

And so, later on, looking at their phone at night in the bed, just like... But yeah, L.A. is a crazy place. How funny is it that they're making the Marvel movie, the Doomsday, what is it, the Avengers, and everyone from every Marvel movie is coming back. Dude, the fucking thing with Robert Downey Jr. is so silly. The teaser where they just keep going by the director's chairs

and it has everybody who's ever been in a Marvel movie, ever, on the back of each chair, there's like 35 chairs. I mean, they even have like, speaking of James Martin, they have James Martin, they have everyone from the X-Men, the original, dude, they have everybody except Ellen Page because she's a guy now. Hey, and dude, and that's fine, you know, you can change it completely. You can now be, you know, the other sex,

but like as an actor, what the fuck are you gonna do? Like what can you, like, what if the rock all of a sudden wanted to be a woman? Hey, the rock's done. There's no Jumanji 4, right? There's no Babysitter 2. Oh, that's Vin Diesel. Oh, no, that's...who is that? I don't know. Pacifier is what I'm thinking of. But, uh, yeah, dude, if Vin Diesel becomes a woman, there's no pitch black 4. If Vin Diesel becomes a woman, there's no Fast and the Furious 19. You're done. And Ellen Page is just like, you know what, lop off my tits, let's get

some parts. No, you don't get them. What are you going to play? A guy? There's guys for that. So I don't know, man. God bless. Hurry though. You know, God bless. God bless. Ah, there's guys for that.

And so guy parts, there's guys for that and so Guy parts there's guys for that Dude fuck yeah magic minor It's uh, I'm weak at the gym fuck you I'm weak at the gym Now I'm weak at the gym. Fuck you. I'm weak at the gym. I'm weak. I eat enough. I'm weak. It's all good. I push it hard.

I'm weak. I go, this is what I think of at the gym all the time. Nevermind. I just go, you know, I'm gonna do five sets here. I do four and I go, you know what? Um, this is what I wanted to watch. Um, you've got, you've got mail. You've got you.

You've got you you've got mail you've got you you've got mail. Oh, that's a good diploson. My name is Elwood Edwards and I'm the voice of You've Got Mail. Oh, the way he said and I'm the voice of You've Got Mail. 1989 my wife was a customer service rep for the company that was about to become America Online. She heard Steve Case talking to some of the programmers about how fun it would be to add a voice. Listen to that voice, dude. If you were to hear that voice in conversation, you'd be like, how the fuck do I know this one? You've got mail.

Just fucking, you've got mail. Software. I've been an announcer throughout my entire broadcasting career. And she volunteered me. You've got mail. Listen to this. Dude! Biles done? You said Biles done, bro. I want to meet him and be like, you know you said Biles done, right? Sounds so much like Biles done. You said Biles done, bro. I want to meet him and be like, you know, you said Biles done, right? Sounds so much like Biles done.

One point, they said my voice was heard more than 35 million times a day. Oh, it's the first Joe Rogan. That's amazing. I love that. Oh, he died? Recently. I guess I'll meet him in hell. That's for sure. He would go to hell, right? That's just too much.

It's too much. We hurt him too much, you know? You go to heaven? All right. So here's the deal Like even with the situation we kids I hear you speak about a lot. I mean Kanye west is wearing a black kkk outfit Uh in this interview They really spoke on your behalf but even when you speak about Kim, people might be like, well, you picked her. Like you put yourself in that.

Absolutely, I did. That was my fault. Maybe they're saying that you- Dude, take the hood off. I said, yeah, that's my fault. That's unbelievable. Take accountability. No, that was my fault. I took I didn't want to have I didn't want to have children With this person after the first two months of being with her, but that wasn't God's plan. Oh

Oh my god, dude Hey It was you, not God. You splurred it. Hey dude, you left it. Hey dude, you didn't back up five inches. Dude, wow. And also four times, don't you have four kids? How many kids?

Northwest, South and, you know, Rhonda or some, I don't know. That's so sad that that's really gonna be really hard for the kids. Don't say that about your, don't say that, huh? Ah, it's kind of tough, yeah. Wow, he really took it to, I mean, there were, we're talking, there were some crazy stars out there.

I mean, some people that went nuts, and Kanye was the biggest that went the most nuts. Damn, what the fuck does Kim Kardashian think now? What? It's actually so crazy, you should just cancel her too. That's so crazy. Bro, when Kanye...

Absolutely, I did. That was my fault. Unbelievable. Unbelievable, dude. Connie says, here, you heard it here. Like I've always been confused. It feels like I can't tell if it's a love hate thing. You know, I've watched hundreds of hours

of you talking about just interviews. And at a point it felt like the energy shifted and then we just started seeing it everywhere and I can't tell what is it. Where are they dude? They're just in like an apartment in Burbank. Yeah it's like family members that you don't fuck with. Like I. Dude, why isn't he mic'd under the hood? What, like who's doing this? Appreciate. One thing is Drake is a million times better than Kendrick

and a million times more important. You got what I'm saying? What Future has done, Thug, what Drake just culturally is. That, that shit last year, I couldn't, I couldn't even barely sit through that shit. That shit was insane, bro. That shit was insane bro. That shit was had Lucy and Grange universal Drake lawsuit shit written all over it. This shit that I allow at the end of the day all this shit I'm saying Jim Jones,

Kendrick did all these celebrities. The funny thing is we're all in the same boat. I mean dude, he's wearing a a black grand wizard outfit and dude, how, how funny are the people that are like, cause there are people who ever under every one of Kanye's tweets that are like, dude, I know you're not a Nazi. I know you're just doing the symbol because it's an old Buddhist symbol that lost its meaning because of world war two and how Hitler took it and ran with it. And that's not the original meaning for the swastika and then it's like yeah oh no but check

out what he's wearing but what about all the stuff that he says like I'm a Nazi it's incredible dude I know what he's doing with the symbol. He's not really a Nazi. He's just, it's an old Buddhist symbol. Yeah, what about the other, all of the other things? Gosh. Welcome. You've got mail. We've had a string of crazy singers. And I really love it. Okay, so this is called Mr. Slick Man by John McCormack. It's got 23,000 views. Wow. First of all, his hair is the worst

version of hair in 1990s, right? It's not now. Now there's much worse hair, but... this already rips. SADRUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN talking what is it with the fucking talking I love Blancs brunettes like didn't write it hey guy have respect dude that's one of the things about this shit. Have fucking respect for it. I mean, I get it. Look, you want to pay. Look, if you're an influencer and you're going to all of a sudden sell out the funny bone in Toledo, okay, I get it. You want to grab money. But what the fuck is this guy doing?

You can fail to succeed now, which is the craziest thing, right? You just can fail to succeed. You can just keep going. If you're failing, keep failing. Just do it publicly so you can also succeed. Don't just be a failure. Document it. You win. So many people came from that. Wow. It's incredible.

Oh my God. I have a suit for every day of the week. I have a blue suit, black suit, white suit. Didn't change suits when he was saying it, only changed the lighting. And when he says I have a white suit, it turned red. Just no thought into this. It's art, actually. I I cannot, I can't, who are these people? I mean definitely was in Twin Peaks for sure, you know. Awesome anyway. What's this? Tesla? I mean, you had Tim Waltz, who's a huge jerk, running around on stage with a Tesla stock price where the stock price had gone in half and he was overjoyed. What an evil thing to do.

What a creep. What a jerk. Who derives joy from that. And. What a creep. What a char. Tesla. I mean you had Tom Waltz. He's a huge jerk. He's a huge jerk. You know running around on stage with a Tesla stock price having where the stock price had gone in half. And he was overjoyed. What an evil thing to do.

To be happy at once, what a creep. What a jerk. Love it. I don't know if I'm supposed to like him or hate him after him saying that I feel both. I like it. The greatest clap back of all time right here. And the guy has been waiting. Okay, so first of all, the guy's 70. I don't know how old he is, 50, 60, 70.

He has been waiting his whole life to say this to somebody. And finally, they got it on camera and so do you trust national security your war plans top secret a total valid question especially after Trump texted the guy from Daily Mail all of the fucking codes, you know, or whatever the hell happened. Okay. And the guy, valid question because Trump sent physical documents on how to blow up countries to the National Enquirer. Valid valid, right? Valid, valid question. And this guy walks up to, uh, Tim Burchett. Is that his name?

Eric Burchett or is this, that's the, uh, congressman Tim Burchett was asked, do you trust Trump's national security team? Okay, here we go. Yeah. He fires back with trust your mother every night to fix your hot pockets and make sure your game boy is turned on. Dude, dude, for real, smashed him into a fucking oblivion. Dude was waiting 50 years to, ever since Game Boy came out, he goes,

oh, I got an idea. 1988 when Game Boy came out, he goes, hold on a second, okay. That's when he stored that. And then in 2025, finally... Do you trust Trump's national security team to keep our war plans top secret? You trust your mother every night to fix your hot pockets and make sure your Game Boy is turned on? Oh, didn't start. Yeah, la la la. Thank you. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah. And gang gang gang gang gang gang.

Yeah, la la la. Dun dun dun. Dude, that is do you trust your mom? Did it. What? Dude, fucked his wife. So dope that night. Just laid her out. You know what I did earlier today? So dope that night just later out You know what I did earlier today after post post coital

After he expressed himself after he fucking Spent After he just You know what I did today somebody came up to me and asked me about something. I used that thing. What thing? I'll give you a keyword. Gameboy. You did it? Yeah. Roll over round two, bitch. Um... Yang ding ding

Ya ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Um, yin ding ding. Yeah. Oh, I'm sweating, but it is what it is. Um, go watch my special. You're done with the episode. Go watch my special. It's on my other channel. I'll put it under here so you can watch it grow or die. It's my latest special, uh, that was on my website now. It's on YouTube

there is an uncensored version you can buy on my website, but this is the Cut and also censored version so Appreciate you guys and go get tickets at chrisley.com. I am in a lot of cities. Thank you very much. Bye bye.