Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 44. Wet It Up

Episode Date: November 27, 2017

It's the 44th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about backflipping robots. Also discussed: getting older and injuries that come with it, Henry Cavill's mustache, talking to women at the gym, System Of A Down, Fuel, bands with bad names, and Black Hole Sun. We name an elder, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply this episode of congratulations episode 44 is brought to you by MVMT. Look, we get it. Holiday shopping can be tough, but thanks to MVMT, all the gift-giving anxiety can disappear with the press of a button. These watches make the perfect purchase for just about anyone in your life, guy or girl. And remember, they only start at $95.

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Download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. To drive through my home. Hey, guys. What's up? Oh, when I say that, my dogs perk up. I'm not talking to you guys. I'm talking to the babies. I'm talking to the listeners.

Motherfucker, do dogs sniff everything, you know? That's so cool that they have their own shit. Like, humans don't do that. Humans just kind of give people the once-over by looking and stuff. Right now, one dog is sniffing the other one's asshole, and that's weird because they know each

other's assholes already. Like, they've lived with each other for six-plus years. And they're just sniffing around, man. They're sniffing one fire's backpack. But yeah, we're here have you downloaded my app yet you got to download my app because uh it's better i actually meant to post a video of me in one fire uh but i got to do that later um you can get in the app store chris delia hey sam come here what's up now you're on the video podcast.

So yeah, you hear him sniffing the fucking microphone? Ridiculous. Sniffing everywhere. Sam, you smell bad. Dude, Yorkie's breath smells so bad. And then they were like, hey, well, you got to remove some of their teeth and their breath won't smell that bad. And I was like, how much is it were like oh fucking seven thousand dollars fuck you talking about do i get meals with that all year long um give me meals with that all all day all all year long you know well sorry i sound like foghorn like horn um i've been in los angeles uh Last place I was still Ohio. And I'm chilling. I was at the comedy store a few nights. And I'm feeling good.

My back hurts. It's all good. That's how it is for the rest of my life. That's just how it's going to be the rest of my life. When you get into your 30s, you do shit like pull your back and immediately think, Oh, okay, well, that's just how it's going to be the rest of my life like you'll pull your back it'll happen and then you go like this cool that'll be with me forever like it's a fucking child and it sucks it sucks fat donkey dicks because you're just like all right let me add it to the fucking ailments i have now uh and that's how that's how it is. Now, in the 1200s, if you did shit like tore your fucking ACL, guess what? Now, you fucked.

You're just going to be the guy that you got to be the guy in town that everybody goes to. Because you ain't going anywhere, bro. You're getting two pieces of wood and you're tying them up around your leg. And then you got to walk with two pieces of wood next to your leg. And you got dirty cloths tying them together. No casts. Butters, leave them fucking alone. Leave them the fuck alone.

So, yeah. But now, even even now we still have shit like that and even though it's 2017 and you and and robots are jumping up and down on platforms you saw that fucking thing that went viral with the robot did a flip oh how did it how did that happen remember when robots were walking all jerky the week before and then all of a sudden a video came out where a robot did a flip? How did we miss that so quickly? How did we go from jerky robot? And then somebody tweeted, we dead, you know? So drastic.

And then Elon Musk, is it right? I always want to say Elonon gold because a comedian elon musk um said this is nothing in five years we'll only be able to the move so quickly that we'll only be able to see it with strobe lights which confuse the shit out everybody because what the fuck does strobe lights have to do with anything but um yeah robots do flips now hey robots do flips now robots that look like humans do flips now and land they can do that i can't do it i'm a human dude it's crazy when you see this video they do a flip and oh well what the fuck was that one i like when they fuck up dude when robots fuck up it's the best um yeah they they do flips now so and i gotta have back pain how about that robots jump on fucking platforms do flips and i i got back pain for the

rest of my life cool catch you later catch you later life hey robots are winning Catch you later. Catch you later, life. Hey, robots are winning. Catch you later, life. Sayonara. We're all dead. I'm going to have back pain when I do lunges. Or if I just sit in a chair too long and robots are doing backflips off platforms. Sayonara, life. I mean, we're dead. I think we're the last generation. How about that? We are the last generation. How about that?

We are the last generation to just, that's going to be chilling and not going to be, when I have kids, those kids gun die. Those, you know what? They're going to die not naturally by robots or the sun's going to explode or some shit or a nuclear bomb. I'm trying not to fucking bust up in women so I don't get, you know, babies because I don't want them to have to fucking be cold all the time because the sun's gone.

You know, the dark ages are coming. And I don't mean to sound like Alex Jones, but the dark ages part 2 are coming man and you fucked up and had a kid, somebody listening to this podcast had a kid last week guess what your son or daughter is going to be real cold

soon and robots are going to be doing backflips tearing their heads off now, sorry but that's how it is it's not my fault robots are doing goddamn backflips but i was listening to a ted talk or some kind of ted hour radio hour and they were like don't be scared this is how technology is and there's good and bad we just need to learn how to fucking live with it but i guess that's true you know whatever as long as i don't have to fucking live with it but i guess that's true you know whatever as long as i don't have to fucking live by like i tore my meniscus once uh 10 years ago and uh it's all better now and if i list if i

lived in the 1100s i'd still have it like this i'd probably be fucking i'm 37 i probably look 46 46 or 50 um dude, people look horrible. I can't believe there's people out there. Dude, like I know, you know, I'll fucking talk about this. I work out and stuff and I try to eat healthy. Although I ate fucking eight cookies last night, bro. I couldn't. They were so good.

And I just kept eating them and the butter was so good. And every time I'm eating, here's the thing too. And I just kept eating them and the butter was so good. And every time I'm eating them, here's the thing too. I ate eight cookies and it was 10 minutes of pleasure. And now I feel fucking awful. And it's hours and hours later. It's the next day and my stomach is all fucked.

That's another thing. That didn't happen when I was 21. But now I feel fucked. And I ate 10 cookies and I ate 10 cookies, right, ate eight cookies, and I feel like, I ate ice cream a week ago, and the next day, I tried to do my treadmill shit that I do, I do the intervals, I go on four, level four, and then 9.2, and I switch it every minute for 30 minutes. And daddy's fucking dripping wet by the end. By the end, I look like I was in war.

And my fucking hair is all over my face and I look sexy as shit, dude. I mean, I look so sexy because I'm sweating and my hair is in my face. And I look sexy. And here's the thing. If I wasn't at the gym, I'd be real sexy. But you're at the gym, so you don't look sexy at the gym. You don't look sexy at the gym. But if you put regular outfit on me outside or something with like jeans on and I was sweating that much, like throwing wood into a fucking back of a van or like a truck and a girl walked by she'd be like oh but because i'm at the gym

and everyone's doing that and there's fat slobs and also weird moms doing the shit that like they see me and they're like that's just a guy sweating at the gym that's gross but bro put me in a fucking field with like a flannel with no sleeves on like if i'm dressed like kevin costner in a perfect world and i'm sweating that much forget it dude you drive by you get preg if i'm to picture me in a field dripping wet hair in my face, sleeveless flannel shirt dressed like Kevin Costner in a perfect world. And a girl drives back. Picture her not getting preg. She's stopping.

She's turning around and I'm plunking. So what I'm doing. We going bobbing for babies. Steady plunking, man. For real. But you put me in a gym in the fucking terrible sweat shorts I have and a fucking some swag shirt I got from like some bullshit company

that gave it to me for free because they want me to wear it out but really I just wear it at the gym and girls don't ever want to get hit on at the gym talk to any girl they never want that's the last place they want to get hit on is the gym you know where that's like hitting a on a girl in her house when you're not invited. Cause they're just so vulnerable and they're doing what they're doing. Hey guys, stop hitting on girls at the gym. I know it's hard.

Cause some of these girls come with fucking full makeup. Like they're going out to light or something. That was a club in New York in like 1999. It's in Vegas. There's one in Vegas. Maybe, I don't know. Or maybe it's not,

but if there isn't, there is a club named light, you know, uh, limelight. I think it was in New York, but anyway, um,

yeah, dude, these, these chicks come out, we'll come up to work out with the titties out with the cleavage. A mess, dude. I literally saw a girl the other day that came

to the gym and was walking around in like a bra that a fucking hooker would wear in a brothel in like the wild, wild west. It was silk. And her titties were bouncing around

and it was so weird. And she was just like she was doing, you could tell in her head, she was like, whatever. I'm a woman. And this is what I wear. And don't hit on me. You know what I mean? Like the powerful women. That's like the shit right now.

Where it's like, I can wear what I want. And you can't look at me. And she's just got tassels on at fucking crate and barrel what you know what and she's just got tassels on and a fucking dog collar and the and her and her and no pants on but her her her pussies painted like how sports illustrated did in 2004 when they did the painting bathing suits and she's like what i can't wear what i want without you staring and her pussies painted with like a fucking and with a with a hook for a a leash what and she's literally on all fours what i'm trying to buy pottery

but it says enter here yeah exactly for whom I choose. But your pussy's not covered by fabric. It's painted. What? And we gotta be like, oh, yeah, so anyway, I'm just in line. I'm just in line at at at at pete's coffee eyes up here but you're bent eyes up here but your titties are hanging out the bottom of your titties are hanging out so um yeah what the fuck did i i got so derailed i got s derailed anyway uh

it's so funny dude like we can't even be like help us out you know we're guys and our fucking mid rate our midbrain reacts so fast and it's like help us out you know please help us out ladies please like you don't have to you can do whatever you want but please please help us out it's hard it's hard if you see a beautiful woman there's nothing guys can do you see a beautiful woman, there's nothing guys can do. You see that woman and you go, damn, you can't help it. And that's what makes babies, you know? That's what makes babies. So I'm asking, help us out. Wear whatever you want, all right?

Help us out. But if you don't, don't get mad. One time I walked by a girl in Sacramento. It doesn't matter where it was. But I checked her out. She walked by me and I looked at her. She was beautiful. And this girl who wasn't with her was walking behind her.

And she goes, Ew, gross. Give me a break. And I said, Ah, fuck you. Like that. Well, she couldn't get mad at me. You can't get mad at me for checking someone out because that's just how it's going to be. Because it's how it's going to be.

You know why? Because we have fucking brains. That's why. If a fucking red Ferrari drives by, I notice that shit. That's why. If a fucking red Ferrari drives by, I notice that shit. That's it. If you walk around with a, dude, I'm Kuda. When it comes to fucking, I'm Kuda.

If you're a guy, and you don't, oh, fuck all these. Don't let the pendulum swing too far the other way, that's the thing, man, oh, but it's male toxicity, you know, toxicity in our city, in our city, dude, I, I love, I fucking love System of a Down, they fucking kill, dude, you know why, system of a down. They fucking kill, dude.

You know why? Because that guy is so fucking crazy and look at his face and he fucking... Dude, his fucking... The way he... I mean, that's the loudest singing ever of all time. And there's the toxicity of our city,

of our city. And then when he's like, wake up! Why'd you leave me kissing the table? I wanted to. And then when he's like, Wake up! Why'd you leave me keys on the table? I wanted to. And he's talking to himself. Does he say,

Why'd you leave your keys up on the table? And then answers himself and says, Because I wanted to. That's what it is. I don't give a fuck if it's not that. That's what it is. Wake up! Why'd you leave me keys on the table?

Because I wanted to. That's what he says. And I don't give a shit if he doesn't say that. That's what he says. And those are the best lyrics of all time period chop suey you know they're fucking so good if you think system of a down is bad fucking turn around get out of the venue turn around i would see like no concerts i even saw my favorite tech nine in concert and everyone was bumping it into me. And people were on like army fatigues.

And I was like, the fuck? Are we in a dream? Let's get the fuck out of here. But, dude, system of a down. The way his face, go to where the way his face is. Go down. Down. Left.

Left. The orange one. Down. Oh way his face is. Go down. Down. Left. Left. The orange one. Down. Oh, his face. Dude, they're so dope, man. Our city, in our city, in our city. Do they still make music? I don't even know.

I just knew. I mean, they have to, you know. But I love it. Also, cool band name. People have fucked up band names. System of a Down, cool band name. But like Death Cab for Cutie, is that one? Ah, change it.

Death Cab for Cutie. Change it. I mean, come on, dude. Sparkle Horse was a band name. Change it. I mean, come on, dude. Sparkle Horse was a band name. Change it. Oh, Neutral Milk Hotel. Change it. They just try to get three words together that make no sense,

and then you can get it by a guitar, and you're a band. Neutral Milk Hotel. Hey, what should we do? Let's call it Neutral Milk it neutral milk hotel cool get a guitar and i'll play the drums we did it now all of a sudden we fucking sold we sold immediately when you think of neutral milk when you think of a fucking three words together that have no basis together or should have no business being together and you buy a guitar immediately you've sold 10 units already you've sold 10 units then all you got to do is sing a song and immediately sold a thousand units sleepy time gorilla museum see ya change it turn round i will enter you now

don't wanna but you don't want me to. Therefore, turn around. You coulda. Gunk. That's a combo. Dude, sleepy time gorilla museum? Hey, you know what? Fuck you. Come on.

Who's it for? Who's it for? System of for system of a down there you go sleepy time gorilla museum change it hey also bands with full sentences gotta go this is a bit this is a band name. And you will know us by the trail of the dead. See ya. You can't have a band name that would literally be a whole sentence of good writing in Lord of the Rings. And you will know us by the trail of the dead. See ya. Hey, how about trail of the dead? How about know us?

I don't even give a fuck. That's stupid. But and you will know us by the trail of the dead? First of all, no, we won't. Imagine that's how you found out about a bed, a bed, a fucking band.

Couldn't say it. A band. And you're just like, what's up with that fucking... You know what? You know what I've noticed on this walk? There's a lot of dead people lined up in a row. Have you heard of this band? I mean,'t even know that's not even a good bit but i don't know intertixicity of our city of our city dude and you'll notice by the trail of the dead how about fucking bands that like my cousin listens to like death metal or some shit and we always tease them and it's always like death death punk or death dead or death bed or and you will know us by the trail

of the dead and they're just like and people are just like fuck yeah dude my dogs are even looking at me confused right now. And they're just like, what is that music? Society. Look, my dogs are fucking growling. My dogs are,

are you metalheads, Sam? The system. Society. It just, the system society it just it honestly just speaks to us because you know we're all

conforming businesses dude those those bands always have a song about corporate businesses. You know what I mean? If you're a fucking... Corporate minds. Like, get over it.

All right, man. Hey, make another song about corporate minds, dude. Society. Corporate minds, dude. Society. Corporate minds. Business ventures. Lemmings. Sheep mentality. I just sold 10 units with that.

Get out of here. You fucking regular shit motherfuckers. get out of here, you fucking regular shit motherfuckers, Starbucks, the fuck out of here, oh really, and then the chicks that are like pasty white with tattoos, I just don't go outdoors. But still, there's a song about worship the sun. Then why do you look like you haven't been outside in 20 years? You look dead. You look like you belong in the trail of the dead that the fucking band named you after.

Target. Like-mindedness. Mentality target. No, dude. You know what you're all trying to be? The toxicity of our city, of our city! But you don't have the talent to fucking scream out that shit. Why'd you leave your titties up at the table?

Because I wanted to. Wake up! I wanted to get real specific. Johnson and Johnson. Corporate minds come. Kaiser Permanente. Okay. Oh, shit. corporate minds Kaiser Permanente oh shit Hamilton Beach Blender

like are they talking about infomercials oh my god you know get over yourself we're all conforming if you're not conforming and you're making up rules about not conforming, and then you got a group of people conforming to your stuff, guess what, char?

Basically, comp. You basically, you don't comp. It's free conch. You can do what you want, but that's what you're doing. Hey, you in the band? You got corporation? You got an LLC?

You incorporated? Guess what? You part society. You comp. Just because you wear black clothes and you're pasty white and you got a tattoo with a fucking sight with a gun sight on it over, you know, doesn't mean you're not part of the system. You comp. Hey, do you live out in the woods in a log cabin? Oh, no.

You live in fucking Greenwich Village. You comp. Hey, dude, do you live next to the Unabomber even still in fucking seclusion? Couldn't think of the word. Who's gonna say collusion? You still live in seclusion? Hey, dude, you come. Are there four guys next to you? Do you form a band?

And even though you're going society talking about how people like-minded sheep, you got four guys with you. And guess what you do? You go to another city and you sing, and you guys follow you.

You cunt. You got an LLC. You're part of the toxicity of our city. Of our city. So bad. Yo, if that guy ever dies, I want to be in fucking toxicity system of a down.

Oh, man. They were the shit, dude. They still are, probably. But that album, they had like two, three albums where it was just like so fucking 90s. And they killed it, dude. I know they are huge, but they should be recognized as one of the greatest bands of all time. Fuck you.

If you disagree, turn around. Get gunk. I don't like any bands though, period. So whatever. That's how it is. Oh, man. I just like, I don't like how people love me. You know what's the worst is like when people think they were,

people love telling you that they were fans of bands before everyone knew that they were fans about the band they just love like oh dude i was at their concert they were playing for fucking seven people at the dime or something yeah it was a great it was awesome nobody knew it was a free show nobody came in and i was there and that was when i was like this band is one of the greatest bands of all time and now now they're Coldplay. And you're like, ah, shut up, dude. You weren't there and you didn't know.

You were facing the bar the whole time trying to chat up a chick. I was there. I was there, dude. They were actually at my apartment. I had no idea the band was there and I was the only one. And I heard them and I thought, you know what? This guy singing fruff, fruff, fruff, fruff. This guy. I knew it was going to be the next big thing.

And now, they're the band fucking, what's that? What's that band that goes? What's that one that's that? Leer-ow, leer-ow, in my hair, in my hair. What's that one that said In my head In my head What's that one? You know that one? You know that song? Or no? You have no idea what I'm doing?

In my head In my head Come on, somebody out there knows it It was so fucking 1999. Dude, that's... What? Fuel. Fuel!

Fuel! That's what it is. Where's the jam box, bro? Yep. What is that song, dude? Oh, my God. Fuel. Song.

The guy looks dope. He's like really, he looks like he would be on that song on that show, Aeon Flux. Don't want to hear it. Don't want to hear the fucking ads.

Don't want to hear it. Yes, this song, dude. S and 90s. Hemorrhage. Dude, S and 90s. Guess if he has platinum fucking blonde hair and is completely baby-faced and then has a, what do you call it, a necklace around with just a black t-shirt. Oh, and guess if one of the other band members has a large button-down short-sleeve orange shirt.

There's nothing more 90s than a large button-down, short-sleeved, orange shirt, dude. Yeah, dude. Leave lovely down in my hands. Oh, the fishbowl fucking lens, you know? What? Oh. My producer, Juan Fire, tried to Google fuel the band. And it...

Bro, imagine getting fucked in the 90s when you're like dude it's gonna be amazing man we're called fuel and people will just google fuel band and dude we'll pop up immediately and everyone will know us and follow us and then the fuel band was invented and now all that comes up is a fuel band that would be like as i lay dying on the trail of the dead and then a fucking movie comes out that wins awards that's like as i lay dying on the trail of the dead and then fucking the guys like oh fuck man we wanted that to be what they google for us and now it's a movie with fucking kenneth brana and naomi watts and the soundtrack is leave love please turn in my head and no matter what you google you can't find it we dead we dead robots are fucking flipping you know at the end of that shit when they go higher dude s the 90s to have platinum blonde

gelled downward hair and two earrings and a necklace that dmx would have with a black shirt and be skinny. Forget it. Forget it. It's the most 90s thing of all time. Oh, God. That song rocked, though, dude. That song rocked.

Fuel is a good name for a band. There you go. Fuel. There you go. You know what it is. You know what you're getting into you know already what i mean so many wires on the music video you know you know what you're getting into with this band called fuel you know it's not going to be hip-hop you know there's going to be a guy with platinum blonde fucking gelled downward hair and then another guy

with terrible heath ledger hair and hair and a short sleeve, buttoned down orange shirt, and you know he plays a guitar. Because that's what he does. And you know Julia Stiles is in one of their videos or some shit, you know? Oh, my dog growled. I don't think he agreed with it. But anyway. Oh, and he's got bell bottoms.

Wow, wow, wow. these guys are 90s um but anyway so uh oh fuck man music is so funny how they sing so hard and like nothing's happening though like it's just i don't know i'm gonna do some ads here. Here we go. You ready? Movement. You have heard me talk about movement, and I'm sure you got yourself a watch. Now, let's finish your holiday shopping and get a movement watch for someone on your list. Movement watches start at just $95. At a department store, you're looking at $400 to $500. Movement watches start at just $95 at a department store. You're looking at $400 to $500.

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Here's the deal, man. When people come over and they're like, how come your dog's jumping on my shin? And they're like, the dog's going to do it because you're paying tench to the dog. Don't pay tench to the dog and the dog won't pay tench to you, dude.

You're making eye contact with him and the dog's like, don't make eye contact. I know, you know what? My dog never bothers me ever. If I don't want it to bother me, you know why? I look straightforward. I ignore the dog and the dog feels like a bitch for doing what he did. And then he fucking travels on and fucking shit's in the corner or whatever the fuck

and then I get mad. Dude, or you go like this. No, or you straight on the dog like you're fucking Emmett Smith trying to make a touchdown. You do that shit to your dogs. My dogs are over there now because they know I'm fucking Emmett Smith of the house. You know who you are? Another football player that nobody's fucking heard of. I had to slam one fire, dude. I had to do it. I had to fucking slam one fire because of the

fucking way he's making eye contact with my dog, expecting him to be quiet. You get two dogs. What if that's how DMX was? He didn't get it. That would be my favorite thing in the world. If DMX was like, hey, get your dogs off me. And you're like, bro, you got to know.

I bet there's a picture out there. Google, if you Google DMX, I bet there's a picture out there. Google, if you Google DMX, I bet there's a picture out there with DMX. Seriously, a picture with DMX and 30 dogs. I bet there is. And I think that that's funny as shit. And then, you know, he's got his shirt off. Okay, got interrupted in the ads.

But dude, man, I mean, look at what my dogs are doing now. He's did what I said and my dogs are lounging like they're on vacation. They're not doing shit. And during the ads, now fucking movements going to get mad. Because was happening while I was trying to fucking pitch watches. Here we go. Lyft. Lyft knows that drivers are what keeping them moving, literally, and drunk.

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with a special offer that includes a four-week trial, plus postage, and a digital scale without long-term commitments. Go to Stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in congrats. That's Stamps.com. Hit the microphone at the top of the home page and type in congrats that's stamps.com hit the microphone enter congrats this is a full-time job man i was thinking that light line in uh some rap song where it's like, it's a full-time job not to kill.

And then he says the N-word. And I can't say that because I'm white. It's hard not to kill. It's a full-time job not to kill. And he says the N-word. And it's like, that's not really a job. All you do is don't have guns, mostly. That's step one.

Don't have guns or any knives. Step two, don't do that. It's a full-time job? Really? Well, first of all, you're not getting paid. I get it. I get it. It's poetry. I get what you're saying. It's poetry. But also, don't do.

Fuel bans. It's poetry. But also, don't do. Fuel bands. That's hilarious. That'd be like if they came out with something called a sound garden. And you tried to Google the band and it was just like, No, sound garden. You want to plant a garden with music? And then you play sound garden while you're in your sound garden but you're like what's that song about the black hole son won't you come won't you come

black hole son won't you come Won't you come And the smiles Dude, when I was a kid The Black Hole Sun music video Almost made me release my bowels The first time I saw it I thought Why is my anus getting loose? It scared the living liquid shit out of me.

It scared the shit out me, dude. Black. Oh, son, won't you come? And their fucking smiles. Dude,

that's so scary, dude. Oh, the lady with the fucking smile and looking up at the fucking, Hey, how about this? It's so scary when the lady's putting her lipstick on and the muscular guy's doing pushups.

Why? Why is it so creepy, dude? How did they do that so creepy? How did they make the old people just be so creepy smiling? Oh, man, and he's got a Punisher shirt on? It's really, it actually is still creepy. Damn, he was young. Why?

I actually had to turn it off. When I was a kid and that used to come on on MTV, I used to have to turn off that video. That's how scared I was. It's a pussy. Still. I would have fucking nightmares. No, when I was a kid, I was the scaredest, I was the scaredest kid ever, when I was fucking 12, bro, even old, when I was 12, I was scared as shit, I would get so scared of everything, my imagination, dude, I would make

stuff up, I actually don't even know if I've ever seen this video all the way through, because I was scared, but man, I would be, like like i'd have these images like if i watch black hole son i'd have these images in my head then for like the next two weeks of like scary people coming in my room with their smiles and the girl jumper open with their braces and and the other girl putting ice cream all over her face. Why is it scary? Nothing is even happening. It kind of has this apocalyptic feel to it, though, you know? God, what a good music video that is, really.

Like, tonally, and like, just creepy and scary. God damn, it's good. and like just creepy and scary. God damn, it's good. But yeah, man, I would get so scared, dude. I couldn't even see Jason or Friday the 13th or like Michael Myers. Forget it. With that white mask? Dude, I could see an image and I would be scared for months.

My buddy Kevin Nelson would make me fucking watch that shit in his basement. How come there's always that kid? mask dude i could see an image and i would be scared for months my buddy kevin nelson would make me fucking watch that shit in his basement how come there's always that kid that had like the lenient mom you know and we and like you'd go over his house and he'd be like let's watch uh porn and you'd be like uh well and you'd be like my mom doesn't care and you'd be like, well, and you'd be like, my mom doesn't care. And you'd be like, what? And you're just watching porn with your buddy in his basement. So weird. And you get horny, but then he shows you traces of death.

And he's like, drink this. And it's like jolt cola. And you're like, what is this? He's like, I don't know. My mom doesn't give a fuck. You're like, all right, and you're drinking jolt cola with a boner looking at fucking Friday the 13th, and he knows karate. That guy always is like a fucking brown belt in karate,

and you're like, what? And you're like, my mom put me in there to show discipline, and you're like, discipline? Bro, what? You're drinking jolt cola in your basement. In your basement with carpet on half of it. How East Coast is it to have a basement, first of all, and then with carpet on half of it, and then the rest of the shit is not carpeted? And he'd be like, let's have carpeted and he and he'd be like

and he'd be like let's have a karate tournament and you'd be like i don't i don't know karate i'll be like i'll teach you but really he just fucking beat the shit out of you with porn on in the background and he'd listen to fucking like the band uh it wasn't there was there a band called nelson or that was his last name kevin nelson but there was a band called Nelson? That was his last name, Kevin Nelson. But there was a band called Poison. Like, I'd be listening to Poison. I don't even know what that band is.

Or Soundgarden. And Jason would be stabbing somebody in their temple. Dude, I fucking I'm thinking of all these bands now I don't even like music, but these guys Butters, come here Come here, dude I like how you guys are hanging out with me I'm talking about the babies

You guys are just listening We're doing what we're doing And you're being cool I got my dogs here They're being very cool Butters is being annoying as shit i'll tell you that much hey butters get stop fucking growling yeah there you go now he's cowering like a little bitch um i fucking uh i saw an ad the other day on like

instagram where it was like celebrate all body types and and this lady was in a swimsuit and and like here's the thing dude plus size models great great that's awesome there's a lot of plus size people out there but dude i saw an ad where the girl looked like she was gonna die in the next fucking few years because she wasn't healthy okay now i know good celebrate your body whatever but also we're getting a little too far some of the people definitely have high cholesterol okay and you gotta work out i'm not talking about the fucking girl what's her name who's like really beautiful that has the millions and millions of followers and everyone's like yeah you go girl cool do it great that's cool be your body type she does work out a lot i feel like too she's you know why because she's got that ass all right but

some of these people are like celebrate all body types, guys and girls, I guess guys too. And they look like Jabba the Hutt. Hey, man. You got to lose weight, some of you, or you're going to die soon and your fam's going to miss. I'm not talking about the people that they hire for ivory soap. All right. But like, let's be a little bit responsible about it how about that how about you let the fucking pendulum split swing the other way we're all fucked that's what i've been saying if you're a fucking true baby you know man you let the pendulum you got to talk about both sides man you can't candy coat the shit and be like, all body types, and then

you're on 600 pound life. All body types. Really? Can you stand up? Not without help. Oh, cool. You're gonna die. Alright, cool. Definitely pissed people off guess what don't give

don't give how about post malone when he was like um what did he say he said something about how hip-hop or whatever uh what did he say about hip-hop i tweeted about it somebody was people were slamming him about hip-hop um i mean my producer was gonna google post malone hip-hop yeah that'll come up he said uh he had a backlash because what What did he say? Post Malone believes... What does the title say? Believes there's not a lot of real shit in hip-hop anymore. That's not it.

I tweeted it. He said something about how... I can't remember. I'm looking it up here on my own Twitter. Post Malone. Here it is. Guys, it's Posty. I'm trying to make this short,

but apparently there's a lot of people saying that I don't appreciate hip-hop or that hip-hop has never made me feel anything, and I'm referencing this interview that I did in poland while i was on the uh the european tour you say hip-hop doesn't make you cry it was a beer tasting interview so they put a lot of beer in my face and asked me dude like find better shit to complain about world this fucking oh yeah because he said he doesn't listen to hip-hop to make him cry he listens to bob dylan and and then people were like well there you go another white guy just using the culture to try and and then like slamming it like hip-hop is isn't like its roots are from

you know black people but like there's so many the one of the coolest things about it is that you got fucking like Asian guys in Japan rapping. Dude, did you see the video about the Asian girl thinking that the guy was rapping and he was just giving an interview? Oh God, that's so funny. And she was just like, woo, woo, woo.

How Asian is it to do? Woo, woo. And the girl is just like, woo, woo. And the guy was just like talking, doing an interview, and she had no idea what he was saying. Granted, she didn't speak English.

Not really her fault. And the guy was talking like this because it was that fucking guy. What? It was the guy who has those fucking, rah, rah, giggie, gah, gah, gah. That guy? Yeah, designer.

God damn, that fucking song. Those songs. But, yeah. And she thought he was rapping. Look it up. It's really funny. But yeah, Post Malone has used the culture, and he is hip-hop, and he can say that. I just, people, and then on Twitter, it'll be like a Twitter moment, people bashing Post Malone, and it's literally like fucking seven people who tweeted about it,

and then they just show it, and then more people get on board, and then that's how it becomes a thing. Twitter moments is a thing that isn't a moment, and then they make it a moment. It'll be like, people are outraged at Taylor Swift's new dress, and it'll be like four people will be like, look at Taylor Swift's new dress, wow. And then another guy will be like, I don't see nothing wrong

with it. Some guy in Michigan. And then, and then everyone checks the Twitter story and then it becomes a fucking thing. Some of these Twitter moments, dude. Some of these Twitter moments. Look, I love Twitter. Fine. But some of these fucking Twitter moments, dude. Look at them.

Look, I'm going to read some of them right now. Here's one. A fan... Well, I mean, these are all alright. A fan fave Walking Dead character is leaving the show. Fine. You know, that's sad, I guess, for the fan members or whatever, but not really because it's just a TV show, but... Here. Sunny Leone gets sweet revenge on her crew after their snake prank.

First of all, I know I don't know everybody, but who the fuck is Sonny Leone? Second of all, what snake prank? Third of all, I guarantee the revenge corny as fuck. Fourth of all, who cares? Nobody. And now Twitter put it on a moment. Look, even the moment has 33 likes.

So who gives a fuck? Look, she's getting revenge. She put cake in a guy's face. Oh, cool cool that's none um and now people are tweeting about it yeah revenge amazing um oh dude have you seen did we talk about did i talk about the justice league mustache yet oh my god dude this is the thing that's the best so just so so justice league came out with a

fucking the movie and they wanted to do reshoots. Now, look, here's the thing. I love those fucking movies. I watch them, but let's not pretend that they make the most sense. Okay. You've got a guy trying to fight a super villain that none of it makes sense. They're fucking going in different worlds.

They're fighting. Nothing makes sense. Superman could have saved the day in the beginning of the movie, but he didn't. There wasn't even kryptonite in one of the Man of Steel movies. That's the only thing that kills Superman. In like the first or second one, there was no kryptonite in it.

So you, the guy Zod was just beating the shit out of him. And Superman was just like, uh, getting the shit kicked out of him until he fucking beat him. So these movies make no sense. And that's not why you go see them because you want a sound sensical storyline, sensible, whatever the fuck. Um, so they did the movie and then the, they then they were like, okay, we want to do reshoots. Now, look, talk about a movie you never need to do reshoots on is a fucking superhero movie. Okay. My point is because it doesn't make sense anyway.

All right. Did you see Suicide Squad? They introduced every character seven times. The guy Deathstroke came in and he was like, yeah, I'm Deathstroke, Will Smith. And then it cut to Viola Davis. And she was like, Deathstroke, this is all of his stuff. I want you to know about this guy, government. And this is what he does.

And then you learned about Deathstroke again with like another character talking about him. It's like, how many times you got to know who the fuck Deathstroke is? We know. Start the movie. Have him shoot someone. Have him save the day. Okay? So the fact that they did reshoots on this fucking movie anyway, sigh of the fuck, Nora.

Don't do it. But they wanted to. Okay? say of the fuck nara don't do it but they wanted to okay now henry cavell or whatever the fuck his name is k hill or cavell never know if it's an h or a v um they wanted he was shooting mission impossible six now mission impossible six made him grow a mustache obviously because of course if henry k cavell was going to be a mission impossible six he would have a mustache on because it just makes too much sense so so uh justice league was like we want to reshoot this movie we need henry cavell

to fucking have this to do this scene and mission impossible six was like it fuck you he has a mustache he's not shaving it because we need him now now i saw people online that were like i love how mission impossible six with their petty ass wouldn't let him fucking shave that's not petty is it at all, Mission Impossible 6 is now paying him $8 million or whatever the fuck to fucking act and keep this fucking mustache. Fuck you. Oh, Justice League wants to reshoot? Oh, yeah? Well, we're paying him $6 million to keep the goddamn mustache.

So Justice League was like, all right, we'll fucking CGI out the mustache. Now, here's the deal. This is when Justice League should have been like, okay, we'll either wait or won't reshoot because the movie's not gonna make sense any goddamn way anyway because you got five superheroes trying to fight a fucking bad guy and superman would have beat the shit out of him anyway no matter what or aquaman or flash or whatever so people are on the justice league thing and they're taking screenshots of the movie showing you how bad it looks and it looks people are on the Justice League thing, and they're taking screenshots of the movie, showing you how bad it looks,

and it looks fucking terrible. It looks, you know what it looks like? It looks like someone CGI'd out some guy's mustache. He looks like Shrek. People are saying he looks like Shrek. People are saying, and it looks so not real. And then when I saw a post of it on Instagram people were like honestly TBH I can't even tell the difference hey dude yeah you

can because you're not a fucking moron the guy's face looks like it was made of clay and if you don't think so, you're blind, period. You can't be that stupid to think, oh, that looks normal. Google it. Look at fucking Henry Cavill's face, CGI mustache. Just Google that. And it looks like his face is made of paper mache. And that's what they deserve that's what the justice league deserved because you fucking had to do reshoots on a movie that probably didn't make sense anyway

that i would like anyway even if it didn't make sense also your movie is going to make four billion dollars anyway why are you doing reshoots dude henry cavell is cool and i'm sure he's i actually haven't ever seen him in anything except for superman which is whatever but doesn't he just look like the most on it on a date the most like taking care of a fucking chick ass ever doesn't he just look like a girl that a guy that's like that he opens doors and like pulls a chair out doesn't he look like he just does that shit? Like in the most boring way to not in a cool way to where he's like, Oh, let me get that for you.

And you're like, and the girl's like, don't try my pussy up. You look perfect. Just chill. You're Superman. You don't have to fucking do any of that stuff. Okay.

Don't do that stuff. You know what? You drive a bus up. Don't do that stuff. Be know what, you drive a bus, don't do that stuff, be chivalrous in your own way, but don't be the normal, corny ass way chivalrous dude, girls don't like that shit, it's 2007 man,

if you're going to do that shit, you got to have some tattoos, you can't just be a vanilla motherfucker, that looks nice, and pull a chair out, and here we go with the fucking, oh, I like that. My husband did that. That's how he wants you bored in your life.

And you know it. Let's wet it up. Let's wet it up. Five o'clock shadow, neck tattoo peeking out from the fucking crew neck you don't have to be like get your own fucking chair but you got to be like here there you go sit down wet it up wet it up you trying to get the seat wet oh pull out the chair there you go take a seat wet it up well let me get that for you see ya

see ya boring vanilla fuck you better have a fucking tattoo of a compass on your forearm. You better have a cool Misfits tattoo. Wet it up. Don't be someone with no tattoos and take a chair out for a lady. Don't do it with a nice crew. lady. Don't do it with a nice crew. You know, Henry Cavill wears crew neck sweaters from J. Crew. Wet it up. Get a neck tattoo and you're fine, dude. Get a neck tattoo and you're fine. I've never seen somebody on screen more that would be 5'10 more than Henry Cavill. There's no way he's not 5'10. I've never looked

it up. There's no fucking way. He's not 5'10. And if he isn't 5'10, I'll tell you what, he wears shoes to make him 5'10. And he's not six feet. If he's six feet, he's always standing in ditches because he's 5'10. Wet it up. He's not 6'1. They're saying he's 6'1 on Wikipedia. There's no fucking way. He stands in ditches then. God, he's fucking handsome, huh? But you know he's nice as shit.

And it fucking dries it up. You know if he was having sex and the girl was like, smack my ass, he'd be like, okay, and do like a little bitch ass. There we go.

Eh, who knows? I'm just making shit up i'm just jealous because he's fucking so cool in superman but that's how i am but that yeah dude like come on hey how about people who like to do activity people like you don't do enough activities fuck that i'll just think of henry cavell all day long i don't day long. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. I'll think of Henry Cavill all day long and be happy about it. Have you guys tried Saucy? Look, I hate shopping for alcohol because I don't know what I'm doing.

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That's your first refill pack free at getquip.com slash congrats. Spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash congrats. Guys, we've got a new elder. Let's just get right into it. We've got a new elder. She is great. 11 Ounce and Elders because you know why? It helps us build our cult. It helps us understand who we are. It helps us weed out the and push them at arm's length. Who is it? Margo. At HomegirlMargs.

Why? She made this costume. You can see it on the podcast video. For Halloween, the cuda catcher. We saw it on Twitter and we liked it. We'll DM you the details, Margo, to get your pin and certificate. Great job. She dressed up as a cuda catcher.

And I like that idea. A cuda catcher. You know? That's who we are we're catching these cooters catching these cooters um and we did we're catching cooters left and right even if we're not doing it with like actual rope and tassels and like bars we're doing it in our minds and that's how we do it now we all got a little bit of cuda in us but it's about diminishing that cuda find out who you are it's free conch do whatever you want go to coachella if you want but if you do understand you cuda cuda true baby true Cuda. You understand?

It's a circle. There's a fucking wall there. But true baby. Cuda. It's like the end of the fucking movie when you're like, oh, shit. Okay. I get how it's been. The bad guys are the good guys, but the good guys are the bad guys too in a way every TV show is trying to do that now

where it's like everybody's good in their own way though even though he's selling cocaine he's like doing it for his family it's real anyway so that's what's up alright

let's see IG I don't know if I had a fucking IG of the week fuck it been watching the Punisher you gotta watch my buddy Ben Barnes kill it on the Punisher IG of the week. Fuck it. Been watching The Punisher. You got to watch my buddy Ben Barnes kill it on The Punisher.

He's fucking awesome. I'm in the middle of it, so don't ruin it for me. But Ben Barnes is my homie. He's been my homie for a few years. And this dude does actually a killer fucking New York, subtle New York accent.

I told him the other day. But because he's like fucking hardcore British. He's not, he's kind of British, but he's like nice, like handsome, like would be like, like girls would be like, oh, a prince. You know, he's played like nine princes. He's on, he was the Narnia guy. And Chronicles of Narnia, he played the fucking prince, whatever the fuck. And he plays the guy in, I don't want to ruin it, but the adversary in The Punisher. And yeah, so that's what's up.

Violent show, which makes it cool. And it's cool anyway and john berthold i mean when they said they were coming out with the punisher i was like oh john berthold is going to be the punisher i mean there isn't somebody that's like more perfect looking to play the punisher than him the only other guy that could play it more is who's that singer henry rollins like he looks like the punisher but he's like the older version um so anyway uh it's a very cool uh fucking show and I have a feeling they'll do nine seasons of it so um what else do we do usually the Twitter questions we could start Twitter questions and then uh bounce uh you got any up here yeah I don't want to do that fucking we already did it with the other one

so what are your thoughts yeah I actually thought about this Keith Richardson's Keith Richardson at Keith Richardson nice not many people have the actual handle of the what oh no keith richardson at rich keithardson change it it's not cute it's not cute you almost got me there that's how fucking quick it was it's interesting what the mind does when you look at some fucking cuda shit you know what i mean what are your thoughts on people who listen to headphones while they drive yeah dude it's a death wish it's the smallest death wish ever but it's a death wish put on the radio how about this put on the fucking thing on the bluetooth in your car how about that your radio doesn't work live without it i get when people are just like oh i need my music

i'm just like no you don you don't. You need water. You need food. Sit. Oh, I need my music though. Music is life. Say yeah. What is this shit that this fucking guy's asking? Corduroy dad at Corduroy dad, Crystalia,

would you love Corduroy? What even is that sentence? Would you love Corduroy? If what? Sure. sure no i don't like corduroy maybe a corduroy jacket maybe it was real thin but like you know when guys wear those pants with like the thick corduroys fucking bullshit with those thick ass corduroys uh can you still be rodrigo gb change at chain cheat i get it cool can you still be considered a true baby if you listen to other podcasts like bill burrs or joe rogans of course you don't have

to be the only fucking podcast you listen to i implore you to listen to those other guys those guys are the best they're buddies and they're the best um malcolmzenberg, at Mia Okiumeks, I don't know. How old is too old to go to a water park? Nine? I think nine, but really, probably 16, I would say.

Then you're just like the creepy. What are you doing? Hey, back up up stop fucking growling Dogs Alright we're going to wrap this shit up man We had a good one we had a fun one And we talked about you know some good shit Leave me on air

And I just Fucking There's artisticity Innercity Innercity Movement get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash congrats square cash have you switched yet download the free square cash app design your cash card get it for iOS or Android

now subscribe to the YouTube channel and watch the videos they are visual and not just listening to it. I get it if you can't listen, if you can't watch it, or if you like to listen to it in your car. But if you're at home, check out the YouTube video channel that we do. You can watch the podcast that way. Watch the podcast that way. And download the Chris D'Elia app for

iOS or Android. And you can also get some merch. We've got the No Cuda shirts. We've got the True Baby shirts. Get them. Holidays are coming. They're good holiday gifts to get your friends and family if your friend likes the show. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. Tweet me by using the handle at congratspod or whatever. And video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Irvine and San Jose coming up shows, upcoming shows.

Crystalia.com. Those are almost sold out. Get your San Jose tickets. San Diego, Riverside on New Year's Eve, join me, drink some champagne. Winnipeg, Calgary, Saskatchewan, and you can go on my website and get all those dates.

Watch Man on Fire, Incorrigible, White Male, Black Comic, these are all my specials. Thanks for listening, guys. Have a good one, babies. Sayonara. Sayonara. Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker