Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 6. Closing Time

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Whoa we made it to the first ever 6th episode! In this week's episode, Chris discusses robots taking over the workforce and the 1998 song Closing Time by Semisonic. Also in today's episode: the movie Moneyball, rude people next to you on the plane, Garth Brooks, Colin Firth, and a whole bunch of fan questions.  Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply we're recording here we go my producer's cold and i don't give a fuck i told him to go upstairs to get a sweater he can have one but he didn't. He said, never mind. Welcome to congratulations. We're here. This is the sixth episode, I believe. And thanks for everyone for listening.

I got in a right. I'm getting right to it, dude. I'm just getting right to it, rude boss. You know what I mean? How are my fucking Jamaican tings? Good? fucking Jamaican tings. Good? Dude, I honestly think that it's fucking hilarious that Drake sometimes talks like with a Jamaican accent. Is he Jamaican? He's just from Toronto, right? He's not a rude boy. Is he a Jamaican ting? I don't think so, dude. But it's hilarious.

And he just gets away with it. He's yeah she's my side thing but he's not jamaican that would be like if i just all of a sudden started talking like this for no reason people be like hey chris you're from new jersey oh i know but too I'm not a bird You're fucking You're not Jamaican Why would you If I all of a sudden Sort of walking around

And being like If I was at a coffee shop And I was like Yeah I want to get a nice Americano And then what do you want My rude boy wants to get Actually an iced vanilla latte If you could hook that up for that

For his For him And then his And then his ting then and then uh his ting his side ting wants uh just a hot coffee thanks so let's see let's recap this i want my ice americano for the rude boy he wants um an ice america or an iced coffee or whatever it is and then his side ting just wants a hot coffee that's fucking. They'd look at me like I'm an asshole. Anyway, what's up, rude boas? I'm here. I didn't, again, once again, I didn't really write anything down.

It's very stupid of me. But this is the sixth episode, dude, and we're doing it, babies. How are my babies? Dude, I'm being so annoying being so annoying actually um all right dude let's talk about some uh some good shit i was in where was i madison and milwaukee i did two shows i did one in madison which was packed great theater uh and then i did a mil show. And it was okay. Milwaukee one was great. Madison was a little bit amateur night. I don't like when people come out and call out shit like I'm a jukebox and do like, do the bit, do the one bit. Or they try to impress you with their knowledge.

Shut up, laugh, and be quiet. Laugh and don't laugh. Those are the two options when you go to a comedy show. Laugh and don't laugh. Don't scream out things. You got threat syndrome. You don't have threat syndrome. We got threat syndrome, I guess.

Sorry. But, um, so they did that. That was a little bit amateur night and they did that. Um, and it, it makes me mad deep inside when that happens. Cause it's, it's a disrespectful, it's just a disrespectful for, to me, but more importantly, it's just a disrespectful for the people who paid monies to go enjoy a show. They don't like that. So the Milwaukee show was fucking really fun, though, man.

I was loosey-goosey, having a silly goose time. And it was good. And then, oh, one guy got mad. He was like, dude, you have the same. He tweeted afterwards. He like dude um you have the same he tweeted afterwards he was like you had the same closer last time i saw you for three years which first of all is not true i have not had the joke for three years second of all that's how comedy works one time i was watching jerry lewis talk about do an interview about comedy. He said, hey, that's comedy, babe. It was a suck. But also that is comedy, babe. Hey, that's comedy, babe. My brother and I still say to each other, that's comedy, babe. And we laugh so hard.

Suck. But yeah, dude, that's how it works. Plus he was like griping on the internet that I did a fucking four minute bit. Everything else he hadn't seen. But yo bro, not cool. Same joke three years in a row. Not true. First of all, maybe at most two years, but also I only hit markets like once every two years. So this motherfucker's traveling to see me. What a weirdo. Um, anyway, so it was good, man. I had a good time in Milwaukee. Madison was okay. But Madison's really a nice place though, man. It's like a cute fucking town or city, I guess. And it's got the Capitol building.

I don't know, by the way, what the Capitol building, I guess Capitol buildings all kind of look the same. I guess I just realized that even though I'm 36. And we were driving, the driver that I had was driving me around. And, uh, I literally, this shit made me fiery red mad. I got to work on my anger a little bit because we're driving. And in the distance, we see the Capitol building. Like that's how Capitol buildings are. You're driving down the street and you see the beautiful Capitol building at the front, like in the distance. That's how it is. It's supposed to

be grand. And there, of course, we're driving down the street with buildings on it. And I say to the driver, oh, what's that building? And he points to the building on the right. And he says, I don't know. I think it's a bank or something. I said, yeah, I'm not talking about the building we're driving by. I'm talking about the building up in front the glorious fucking dome shaped building he was like oh i think it's a chase bank i was like disc and i got and i just i looked at my opener and i was just like and my opener just looks at me the guy's fucking 75 and i said yeah but i'm obviously not asking what a Chase Bank is I gotta work on that though man I have to um but I did the shows and they were great I'm back in LA now um

and I'm I'm in I'm in LA doing my route doing chilling with my root boys um but yeah I'm a fucking on one right now. I got to calm down. I'm sorry. Let's see. I got... Oh, dude, you know what I fucking saw recently? Moneyball.

Dude, that movie is so good. If you don't like the movie Moneyball, you got no soul, I think. It's such a fucking good movie i watched it on the plane and like it was so it was such a good plane movie man it's a great movie by the way period but like it i was like it made me forget i was on the plane and brad pitt's so good in it. Philip Seymour Hoffman is literally a fucking coach in it. He's a baseball manager. I don't give a shit.

He's, that's how good he is. And it's just so good, man. And it's so interesting. It's not that like, I guess it like that, that's a movie that the book was probably amazing.

And then they could have really fucked's a movie that the book was probably amazing and then they could have really fucked up the movie because the movie was it's like it's such a book like there's so many intricate parts and it's all about statistics and shit and how baseball teams do well and but but they fucking nailed it man it was good and And Jonah Hill was fucking really good. He was nominated for an Oscar. Yeah, it was so good. It was such a good movie. By the last scene, I was like kind of tearing up, actually.

Really good, man. I think you'd like it if you're a rude boy. But, or if you know you have something to watch with your side ting. My buddy said that it's a really good movie to watch with your side ting. Because, first of all, he said he's seen it 18 times, at least, with chicks. Because, first of all, no girl has ever seen it.

Which is good, because it's about baseball, right? But it's still a romantic movie a little bit in a way because it's romantic about baseball. And you, and it's like, it's good because you could turn it off at any time also because it's like, not like, there's no action in it where you're like, oh, fuck, where you're sitting on the edge of your seat.

But you could just turn it off and then in the middle, just fucking smash on your side ting and you're not really missing anything and then just turn it off and then in the middle just fucking smash on your side ting. And you're not really missing anything. And then just turn it on later if you want after post-smash wrap-up. And just finish the movie with your ting. But, yeah, so it's a great movie, dude. You got to watch that movie.

I know it came out in 2011 or whatever. But I'm just like, I don't really watch movies like like that i sat next to this guy on the plane though i always like to sit on the window seat so i don't have to get up if the guy has to go to the bathroom like if the ting next to me has to get if there's a rude boy next to me and he needs to go to the bathroom i don't want to have to get up if i don't want to right so i always get the side i get the um you know the the next to the window right and there was a guy next to me that was you know maybe in his 50s and i thought when people talk too much it's the most annoying thing but this guy fucking literally didn't say a word to me he didn't say a word he didn't speak he have been mute. I don't think he was mute though.

They just didn't get it. He didn't have that mute vibe. He just was kind of a dude. And I'd be like, he was sitting down already. But when I walked into the thing and I was like, Oh, excuse me, man,

I got to get by you. And he just moved. He just got up and moved. And I said, Oh, thanks, man. Sorry about that.

Said nothing. Got up, went to the bathroom. I said, Hey buddy, you mind if I go to the bathroom? Didn't say shit. Got up, walked out. I said, thanks. Said nothing. Got up, went to the bathroom. I said, hey, buddy, you mind if I go to the bathroom? Didn't say shit. Got up, walked out.

I said, thanks, appreciate it. Didn't say shit. Went to the bathroom. Came back. Said, hey, bud. He said nothing. Got up, walked in the aisle, passed him and said, sorry about that. Thanks a lot.

He said nothing. Okay. An hour and a half later, I had to go to the bathroom again. It was a five-hour flight. I got up. I said, excuse me, bud. You mind? He gets up. Said nothing. Okay. An hour and a half later, I had to go to the bathroom again. It was a five-hour flight. I got up. I said, excuse me, bud. You mind? He gets up, said nothing.

Walks out into the aisle. I said, thanks. Sorry about that. He says nothing. I go to the bathroom. I come back. I said, you mind if I get back in? He says nothing, gets up, and I walk in, and I don't say shit now.

I'm like, all right, fuck it. No thanks then, bud. You're not going to acknowledge I'm speaking? So then I sit down and I'm like, all right, whatever. Who gives a fuck? Maybe he just doesn't care to talk. Fine. Maybe he's in a bad mood.

Then he goes to put on his... Then the lady comes up, the stewardess comes up and hands me his blazer. the stewardess comes up and hands me his blazer. The guy's in a fucking button down shirt and slacks and nice shoes. I'm in a fucking something that looks like, you know, I have a wide fucking neck t-shirt with a pocket on it and pants that are cuffed at the bottom. And she hands me the blazer.

And I look at her and I was like, you think that fucking blazer is mine? And she gives it, Oh, whoops. And she gives it to the guyzer and i look at her and i was like you think that fucking blazer is mine and she gives it oh whoops and she gives it to the guy he says nothing to her and then he goes to put on the blazer and hits me in the fucking face while he's putting the blazer on with his left arm says nothing he doesn't apologize dude literally the plane could have been going down and he would have been like, just not saying shit. Like say something sometimes. If you are being, if you are being and not sleeping for five hours and you don't say something, even if you're alone. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Dude, when I'm alone for five hours, I've spoken no bullshit at least 32 times. I'm talking to people that aren't there. I'm saying shit to myself. I'm talking to my dogs. I'm laughing sometimes. I thought that was crazy. But dude, no, it's not. This guy was in public on a fucking plane. Didn't say shit for five years. Hi, you're craze. Oh, that's interesting. Oh, really? You did that?

You're craze. You're crazy person. And he wasn't a mute. Don't give me that shit. Nobody tweeted me and be like, maybe he was mute. Nope. Wasn't. He was a fucking 50 something year old Asian man.

That was just a regular ass dude. Very weird. Very weird. Very weird. Hey, man, do me a favor. Don't punch my face and not say something. Dude, real quick, man. I have a favor. If you ever punch me in the face, say something about it.

It's actually unbelievable. That was unbelievable. Talk about a rude boy uh so yeah uh yeah and even if by the way he was asian if you couldn't speak english i don't give a fuck say at least look at me and be like, oh, you know, he's Asian. So if you're a fucking white guy, you just if you don't speak the language in Asia, if I bump into an Asian guy, I go, oh, sorry, bud. I still speak my language. Or I learned the word for sorry or whatever the fuck, you know, this guy fucking punched me in the face. Didn't even look at me and just didn't even care to speak the fucking Asian language. Say something. I don't know what race he was, but say something.

Mumble. Do that. I do that. Hi. Do that. Hi, do that. Yeah, by the way, I got a fucking alert here. You don't, I was actually talking about this on my Snapchat. Bro, one time I saw a girl on Instagram and she was waiting for her friend, like drinking wine, it said in the description, and she looked at the Instagram and she goes like this. She looked at the picture or at the camera and she goes,

she says like this. She says, waiting game. Lost my shit. Lost my shit. That was her post. Waiting game. No,

just waiting. It's not a game. You're just waiting. Hey, Oh dude. Worst game show ever. Hi, welcome to waiting game

where we wait around for 30 seconds for our friends and go. Oh, you lost because we're all losers. Wait,

waiting game and she's saying it. You're just waiting. If you're eating a burger, you're eating. You're not playing the eating game. Dude, this fucking shit killed me. I'm at the doctor's. Checkup game? No.

Hi, bye. Dude, oh my God. Also, if you're waiting for your friend, don't make me wait for your friend too. Don't fucking put a video of you waiting on the internet. I'm watching it now. I'm waiting. Worst content ever. Worst content ever. Don't make me wait too when I'm not waiting.

That's so rude. Rude game. My buddy used to tell me stories of girls he would hang out with and it would end in not having sex. That's what the equivalent of is that for the guy. Don't tell me the fucking story that you had to fucking do and not have sex afterwards. And now I got to listen to it. Guess what? I get to fuck you now, dude.

That's what I get to do. Turn around. Dude, I get to fuck you, bro. You told me that boring story. Turn around. If you tell me that story about not having sex with a girl, turn around. Turn around, put on that song that goes, closing time, one last call for alcohol, turn around. Bro, imagine having sex and then that song comes on, on your iPad. It doesn't matter if it's a hooker, immediately, you fell in love.

Dude. That's the most lovely song of all time. Imagine, you know, because iPods, you put it on shuffle, you're listening to Ice Cube or some shit, America Cosmos Wanted, and then you're fucking a hooker, and then all of a sudden, closing time, one last call for alcohol. You go like this. Will you marry me?

And you have an orgasm. It doesn't matter if it's a hooker. She goes, what? Awkward game. Bro. Holy shit. Remember that song? It came out in like 1999 or whatever it was.

That's how 90s it was. It wasn't even a year. It was just 1990 question mark. Closing. And every bar played it at the closing time. That's so annoying. They couldn't wait, the employees, until that song came on. Closing time. I hate whiny ass bitch ass

voices like that but that song rocks it does i don't like any of the fucking closing time so whiny you 16 maybe they were 16 i't even know. Those guys probably fucking torn out and they have bigger crowds than me, no doubt. And the whole crowds just wait for that fucking closing time. One last call for alcohol. You don't have to go home, but don't stay here. I know what you want to take me home. Worst lyrics ever. I have no fucking idea.

Waiting game. Oh my God, dude. So yeah. First ever, fifth episode. Sixth episode. Semisonic. Oh, from 1998. Dude.

Album was called Feeling Strangely Fine. As said defensive. Set defensivo. King defensivo. Hello, King defensivo. We'd like to have a word. Ah, I'm sorry. I was listening to my favorite album

Feeling Strangely Fine, and it's because everything is okay. Trust me. How do you fucking make an album called Feeling Strangely Fine and not be the most insecure person of all time, dude? Hey, Feeling Strangely fine. How are you?

How many of you talking to somebody? Dude, I haven't seen you in a while. How's everything going? Oh, it's good, man. Just been feeling strangely fine. You'd be like, oh, bye. Oh, you would literally think he got his dick sawn off. And that's why he's, you know what? I'm feeling strangely fine. Why? Why? What's going on? Did anybody say my dick was cut off or something? I mean, come on, dude. Dick cut off game. Dude. My producer's crying laughing because that's so fucking insecure. Feeling strangely fine. Semi-sonic. Even that's insecure. Just be sonic. Well, we don't want to go the whole way. I mean, there's probably people more out there that are more sonic.

So let's just say semi-sonic. And then they're even insecure. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Do whatever you want. It's up to you. Don't take my advice my relationships don't work but i'm feeling strangely fine swear to god oh my god dude

god i i gotta end this fucking podcast right now i mean come on wow the most 90s song of all time. And you remember the song, I swear to God. Even if you live in Zimbabwe, they'd be like, yeah, I remember. That's how 90s. It was 1990, no. 1990, a question mark? Dude, that song was the song, period.

Wow, it was so funny dude oh man when that i would if you and if you stayed till that song you're such a white guy with flip-flops man god oh man you know who even knew that song i'll tell you what here's how fucking dope that song was that song came on if that dude sitting next to me was listening to that song he would fuck he would have sang along that's that's how fucking much he would have been like a closing a timer one of that's colorful alcohol that's how fucking that's how dope it was i I would have been like, oh, this guy speaks. We do the semi-sonica. Oh, man.

Oh, for fuck's sake. They should play at old cella. They should close the old cella show. Old cella. Call it something else. You can't just rip off fucking coachella and then be like oh well we're older than them old cello that guy that suggested that didn't get shot in the head that should be on fucking uh that show what on earth on the discovery channel or whatever show that is here we have a guy that didn't on Earth on the Discovery Channel or whatever show that is.

Here we have a guy that didn't get shot in the head, even though he coined the term Old Chela. How has nobody killed him? We've got satellite views of his basement, and he's sitting in his house, alive. How did it happen? Let's go to a scientist. Well, you know, he suggested Old Chela, and we thought maybe after that he went into hiding hiding but he's not he set his house and he didn't get shot we've got satellite pictures of it i want them to dude old cella how could you be like a really respected performer i guess how could you be a really respected performer and then be asked to play old cello and be like, yeah, I get it.

I know money. I know I understand the fucking answers money. But like, that's what my uncle would say. He'd be like, I'll give you a million reasons why he would do it. And each reason was a dollar in case you don't catch that. You know? Hey, why did he play that part in that movie? That was an awful part.

I'll give you 250,000 reasons. Dude, that's so old school to do that I'll give you 250,000 reasons. Dude, that's so old school to do that. I'll give you 250,000 reasons. I want to use that phrase, but for way little amount of money. Dude, why'd you do that show at the comedy store? I'll give you 15 reasons. I performed in the original room on a Tuesday night. I'll give you 15 reasons. I performed in the original room on a Tuesday night. I'll give you 15 reasons. Oh my God. If you work minimum wage, you should say that. God, why do you work so hard at the fucking, at Best Buy?

I'll give you eight reasons. I'll give you eight reasons an hour. How long you got? Do you have eight hours to sit around? I'll give you eight reasons each of those hours. I don't even know what minimum wage is. I'm such a fucking loser. Speaking of out of touch, because that's out of touch to not know what minimum wage is. I think it's like, what is it like? It's 10. Okay. It's 10 50. Oh, and I love how the liberals wanted it to be $15, and now they're just making robots.

That's the best. That's the best. That's so sad in reality, but that's why it's also you got to laugh at it. Otherwise, you'll go kill yourself. They're marching. They're out here marching. Needs to be $15. Needs to be $15.

Needs to be $15. And people were like, start the production of robots immediately and now you're gonna roll by wendy's and they're going to be like would you like a cheeseburger and you're like what the fuck what would you like on would you like fries with that um oh no now people are out of work. Meet my fucking robot dick. You complained too much. Now I work for free. Here's your goddamn chicken fingers.

Eat my robot dick, liberals. Turn around. Closing time. One last call for alcohol. You don't have to go home but don't stay here as he's fucking you holy fuck fuck holy fuck everyone's so backwards and all wrong you know give them 15 give them 15 they don't even have they don't even have fucking policemen they literally don't even have policemen like watching them they just have robots watching them fuck fuck this march all you want i'm getting a job at

wendy's oh my god wait a minute something is awry here comments work at Burger King. Hello, may I take your move out of the way? God damn it to the fucking poor employee. Move out of the way. My turn. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah, but speaking of out of touch dude you ever see that fucking uh garth brooks

facebook video i was talking about it with tom segura apparently he talks about it on his website a lot or i'm sorry on his podcast a lot which i didn't know that but fucking shit man that i know you know that Facebook thing where he's like, slick stuff, smooth stuff. Well, I like that. I'm on Facebook now. Yeah, it's 75 years too late. But you know what? Sometimes I wear one shirt that looks like two shirts.

You look at the right side and you're like, hey, that's a black button down. But then you look at the left side and it's turquoise blue. They show, did they sew two shirts together? Well, I like that. I'll take one. How much is it? $3,575. No, I'll take two. I like that. It's the most out ofouch fucking video of all time. My friend told me, you know what? Facebook, you could talk to people.

Well, I really like that. Hey, man, are you getting sucked off while you're shooting this video? Why is it so goddamn creepy? Also, have you ever seen the top of garth brooks fucking head or was he or does he or is the top of his head literally a cowboy hat what's on the top of his head that he's hiding a pussy do you touch the top of his head when he goes to bed when he takes his cowboy hat off? And does he say, well, I really like that. Slick stuff. Raw stuff. Touch my pussy on the top of my head.

I like that. That's why I cover it up. Dude, it's so out of touch. Hey, man, Facebook's been around since 1940. You don't need to fucking... Hey, so let the conversation begin. Hey, man, the conversation's been going on since the year 1816.

Just because you're on Facebook doesn't mean Facebook started. Hey, guess what I bought yesterday? A car. I get in that car. Look, at first I didn't know about this car thing. But then my friend told me about these beautiful little pods that you just get in. They got four wheels and another wheel in front of you.

And you could just steer around. Well, I like that. And then when the gas gets low, because that's what it runs on, you just stop by a place. It's called the gas station. And you just reload the gas. And you can just drive wherever you want. Well, I really like that. So let the driving begin.

Hey, they invented a car in the year six. Year six. Dude, I feel like Garth Brooks is so goddamn out of touch that you'd be like, Hey, Garth, how much is a carton of milk? And he would say, $75. I think we did that bit on fucking 10 minute podcast. The fucking something like that. I don't remember.

Or I think I played Garth Brooks or something, and then I don't remember. Mm-mm, mm-mm. No, I played me. I was being me, and I was pretending that I didn't, like I made so much money or some shit. And then Will Sasso said, wow, you're really out of touch. How much is a carton of milk? And I think I said $7.50 or some shit. I don't remember no i like that well i really like that so fucking creepy

um man i love i love it but he has like legit fan he has legit fans. He has legit fans. He has legit fans. So for fuck's sake, man, he did start the conversation for a lot of people. I'm sure people joined Facebook because they heard that this motherfucker had made a Facebook video. Garth's on Facebook. I'm getting on there. He's on Facebooks. I'm getting on there. Gotta get me one of,

hey, Maggie, get my shirt with the two shirts. Get my shirt that's black on one side, teal on the other. And get my hat. Gotta cover my pussy. Tom, Joe, and Facebook. Well, I'll be. Let's get this conversation started. Get my goddamn keyboard. Tom, Joe on Facebook. Well, I'll be.

Let's get this conversation started. Give me my goddamn keyboard. Send. What up, Garth? How's this work? Dude, country's so big in Canada, and that's fucking hilarious. The more north you get, the bigger it gets. The more north you get, the bigger it gets.

That's so funny. The more south you get, the bigger it gets in America and then people are like, okay, well, fuck this country stuff. And then the more north you get, the bigger it gets. What's up with fucking extremities? They need country, dude. Oh, my dog's gone. And they buy it for $1.99 on iTunes. Oh, it's good, eh?

Oh, for fuck's sake, man. Really, really, really, really, really, really. So he's got legit fans. You know, you have fans if you do something and if you have talent. You have fans if you work hard and you gain a fan base. You don't have fans if you just have people that like your pictures on Instagram or a favorite your tweets. Therefore, if you've got a few thousand people following you on social media and you refer to them as fans, buy a boat, buy some bags, buy some sand, buy some rope, take the boat out into the ocean,

fill the bags with sand, tie one end of the rope onto the bags, and tie the other end of the rope onto each one of your ankles, and jump overboard. Dude, you don't have fans if you don't do shit. Okay? You don't have fans if you don't do shit. And that goes all the way up to Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian doesn't have fans. She has likers. She has followers. And I don't know if she says, hey, thanks for all my fans, whatever. No, you can't be a fan of somebody if they don't do shit. You're only a fan of somebody if they have talent and they fucking implement it in some way in their life. You can't be a fan of somebody that sits around.

You're a loser if you're like that. What does that sits around you're a loser if you like that what does that say about you some guy named craig doesn't have fans he just has friends and not friends that's what you got if you got do something and i don't mean by the way models have fans because they fucking work hard they do their fucking. They know what the fuck's up. But no, you don't have fans if you just take some fucking pictures near a bike. You don't. Would you take one of those pictures where you're running in sand and you're holding a hand behind you and whoever's holding your hand is taking the picture and the only part of the other picture you could see of the person

is their hand holding your hand, you don't have fans. Wish I could go back. Comment if you're a fan. Bye. You know what it is for you? Closing time. Get a job, god damn it.

I get it, bro. But no. You don't have fans. You got people that are watching you. You got creeps. You chick. You got guys that want to fuck you. You got guys in Dubai that comment under your shit.

Love your sexy tits fuck it you know and if you're a dude well i've talked about this already and it's only episode six i'm repeating if you're a fucking dude model you're uh i i learned that the most well-paid male model makes $1.5 million a year. That's the most well-paid male model. The richest male model makes $1.5 a year. That's fucking so, that's really sad, actually. I mean, look, making $1.5 million a year is amazing, but that's the top of the profession? That means that there's so many dudes out there working out so hard and eating kale and a cardboard fucking card for breakfast. And they're making like $3,000 a year.

That's fucked up, dude. If you're a male model, you're a chair. That's what you are. The girl sits on you and then the girl, girl makes fucking 25 K for the day. And they go like this to you. Thanks. And then you go to eat craft service and they're like, no, no, no, that's for her. And then she doesn't even need it, because she's like, I can't. Trying to keep, I don't want to be fat. Oh, my God. I don't want to be fucking fat.

Yeah. Don't call your fucking people that are looking at you fans if you don't do shit. But, you know, what do I know? All right. Well, I don't know what the fuck else to talk about, dude. I fucking really went hard for like 35 minutes. And now I'm just like, oh, you know what I could do? I could look at the fucking hashtags is what I can do.

And now I'm just like, oh, you know what I could do? I could look at the fucking hashtags is what I can do. I can look at the hashtag of congratulations pod. That's how I, by the way, do that. That's how I get questions. I take questions from you. Just tweet me congratulations pod. And you can do that. All right, let's see here let's hear what i got oh yeah that's right this is what i wanted to talk about

this guy writes by the way rate and review will be really awesome um we have like a lot of actually a lot of ratings which is really cool especially for one that just started out um but this review is at the top and it's from february 7th i don't know how they do this by the way because the reviews are all over the place like it's like february 7th and then here's one from the 21st and then here's one got a lot of good ratings which is great thank you so much for doing that and and you can leave comments this dude reviews my fucking podcast and this is what the heading of it is i'm gay now and then he writes literally as soon as i turn on the podcast uh sorry literally as soon as i turn the podcast on i became i became gay i pressed the play button and then immediately i sucked three dicks

to completion in parentheses. I never thought that would happen to me. I've always felt that being gay was wrong, but I'm balls deep in a Haitian while I type this. Well, this guy's definitely a homophobic and maybe racist, so that's cool. But he gave me five stars.

So, thanks. I don't know why this happened. The podcast is great and Chris is great. I'm not saying you're going to be gay if you listen to it or anything. Just in case anybody was worried out there. I'm just saying that's what happened to me. Wow. Well, you know, hey, he gave me five stars.

So, I appreciate that. That was tweeted to me by somebody tweeted me that cory berkman cory berkman sounds like a fake name what are you a character in a movie cory berkman sounds like the fucking guy who owns the opposite company that comes in and tries to bury your company in the movie like in a vince vaughn movie that didn't make much money hi oh great here comes cory berkman and vince vaughn's like i'll deal with it and then just fucks it up worse that's what your name is um cory berkman man that's a bitch-ass name i mean i'm sure you're a nice guy uh uh what the fuck kind of question is that?

I think people just ask questions to ask questions. Worst first date experience you've had or heard of someone having? Dude, I actually had a, I went on a date once. It was the first date with the girl. You'll know why. Obviously, this was the first one. And she was this russian girl um and she we were having dinner oh god this was so long ago and she told me that because she had a kid and the kid was like three and she was like just casually was like, you know, because when, wait, what's the Russian?

You know, because when, after I had my son, I had very bad depression and I was so bad I wanted to kill him. Oh, dinner's over. Hey, don't say that on the first date or any date she told me she wanted to fucking she her depression was so bad that she was nervous she had to she wanted to kill her son oh hey what's crazier that or telling somebody that on their first date i went oh oh i like was like oh you wanted to oh you wanted to kill your son and she said yeah it was really bad at the worst russian accent ever but you know what i mean real bad real bad mom real bad mom hey real bad mom i don't mean to harp on low postpartum depression i know it's a real thing i get it but jesus christ man uh this is a comedy podcast so if you're thinking about complaining about what I just said

fuck you yeah what's the worst place you ever had to sleep on the road when you were coming up as a comedian this is from Peter I don't know not really I just hotels that's it what did you expect a trench one time i slept in a trench

um and i put leaves over it because it was raining it was in vietnam i was doing a show in vietnam uh but yeah I was doing a show in Vietnam. But yeah. This is interesting. Thoughts on murder podcasts. I actually, this is from HLL. Snoylelia. Change your name. And you get to pick your Twitter handle.

Change it. Snoylelia. Change it. You Star Wars character? No? Change it. Snowy Lellia. Change it. You Star Wars character? No? Change it. Snowy Lellia. I just started listening to a murder podcast.

Murder Garage or some shit. Some Murder Garage or some... I don't know what the fuck. Actually, here. Let me look it up. It was about a murder. My opener told me to listen to it, which immediately makes me want to not like it. Because you know when you have friends that suggest you shit and you're like,

eh, fuck you, I'm not going to like it because you're shitty. You don't have good taste. You know how you do that? If you don't hate your friends, you ain't shit. Let me tell you for real. True Crime Garage is what it's called. True Crime Garage. And it was pretty good i just listened to one

about some yogurt murder yogurt shop murders in austin um uh it's kind of fucking i don't know austin yogurt murder oh yogurt shop murders is what it's called then i googled it a little bit and there wasn't much on it. How are there not movies about all this shit? Why do they make these shitty crime movies and then they don't take these movies and make them real movies? They made a movie about the West Memphis three. This is how dumb I am. I watched the documentaries on the West Memphis three about how these kids were 16 and just because the cops wanted them to go to jail because they said they worship the devil or some shit or they were into like rock music that they put them in jail and they thought they killed these other kids and they didn't do it they didn't do it and um they put

them in jail for a long time and then they got out even though they're still like convicted murderers they they let them out because they couldn't overturn it or some shit but they let them out because they couldn't overturn it or some shit, but they let them out. I watched the three documentaries about them and then just turned on a movie with Colin Firth and Reese Witherspoon. And I was watching this fucking movie about this crime. And then at the end, I realized, oh, this was the movie based on those documentaries. I had no idea. That's how dumb I was. And the movie took place in West Memphis. And at the end,

it was like, this never, they never found this, that, and that. I was like, oh, this shit's the fucking West Memphis Three. Colin Firth playing a,

Colin Firth playing a southern guy is amazing, by the way. He's amazing. He's a great actor and he did a great job. But look at Colin Firth, to look at Colin Firth and not be like,

oh, he's British, is like, it's just not going to happen. That's like looking at Denzel Washington and being like, he's a white guy. He's the most British-looking guy. It was hard for me to buy it, but he was so good. He really is so good. He's so good in the fucking Stuttering movie. Stuttering King, what the fuck's it called?

King's Speech, where he's just like, lie, lie, lie, lie speech where he's just like where he's like trying to fucking speak it's so good because it's like it kind of looks like he's bad acting but he like flipped it out on its ass where you're like dude maybe that's really what it is like lie lie lie i'm the king lie lie lie i'm speaking i lie lie lie it was so good dude he was so good it's just all close up of him fucking trying to speak lie lie lie lie lie lie and it's so uncomfortable he's good he deserved the oscar but he's british lie lie lie lie lie lie lie that's how british he is even when he stutters he's like oh lie lie what's going on oh i can't what what no that's australian i was to say crikey. I, I, I, I, tea.

I, tea and crumpets. Um, yeah, but the movie, uh, devil's not is what it's called. And,

um, it was, uh, it was okay. It was okay. It was, it was okay. It was okay. It was, it was okay. They're good actors, man.

Reese Witherspoon's fucking good. And, uh, Colin Firth is good. And the other guy in there was good too. Who's really good. And I don't, I,

I actually met him like fucking shit, man. It must be over 20 years ago now in Hollywood. And he hadn't been working and now he works all the time um and i haven't talked to him in a long long time but he's a great fucking actor uh devil's not i'll look him up right here i can't remember his name that's how long it's been i hung out with him maybe three or four times. He's huge.

He's like 6'5 and fucking ripped. And of course, he's not showing up on IMDb. I got to tell you who he is, though, because I'm giving him a shout out. Fuck is he? Bruce Greenwood's good too. It's not him. Jesus, he's not... How far down in he is it? He's on that other movie, Legion,

with Bettany, Paul Bettany. Oh, by the way, Paul Bettany's the most British guy ever. Look at him. Imagine him trying to play a New York cop. He could probably do it but legion he's on legion i'll just look not the fucking new tv show the movie uh oh here he is kevin durant that's his name great actor oh yeah he played Sabretooth in the Wolverine movie.

He's in The Strain. Of course, he's in Vikings. The guy's fucking 6'5 and looks like a Viking. Yeah, devil's not. John Mark Byers he played. He was the guy who probably secretly killed those kids. I like that actor. He's in Real Steel. Robin Hood, of course.

That Logan movie looks fucking awesome. What is it about Hugh Jackman that's so dope? I mean, I know he's handsome and I know he's fucking veined out. I love Hugh Jackman. He's awesome. I want to see that movie so cool to be in a blazer and also have those fucking claws you know no guy would not see that movie and then they just call it logan like fuck you fuck you we'll call it logan we don't want to call it wolverine if you don't know fuck you if you don't know what this is

and then the billboard is just him his eyes close up and his claws and he's just teary eyed which is like I drive by down sunset and I see that and I want to pull over and I'd be like we're all a little bit Logan that looks awesome it looks awesome I It looks awesome.

I can't wait to see it. Better than Moneyball? Probably not. But, you know, Moneyball was amazing. Philip Seymour Hoffman is so good. How does he play a baseball manager that's such a cock and then also play the guy from Big Lebowski, the butler? That's so good.

He's so good, dude. Fuck, he died, man. That's so good. He's so good, dude. Fuck, he died, man. That's such, that's so fucked, man. I did a table read once with him and I showed up and it was him, Jason Gordon-Levitt, Joseph Gordon, almost Jones,

Edward almost Joseph Gordon, um uma thurman uh joe montana uh by the way how about joe montana how about the fact that in the world there's joe montana and also joe montana go fuck yourself chris delia and chris deal delia chris deal yeah chris delia and chris delia dude if there was a fucking successful quarterback the most famous quarterback of all time chris delia i'd jump off a bridge joe montana kills it though so it was Uma Thurman, Joe Mantegna, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joseph Borden-Levitt,

Joseph Jones Borden. So disrespectful. And another famous girl that her name escapes me, but she's like really good. I think she alice in wonder alice in alice in wonderland or some shit and um like two or three other famous people and and fucking me dude like i don't even know i felt like such a little bitch in there and they they had everyone had like oh leave leave schreiber was there who is just he's like the real life darth vader when he walks in a room you're like oh okay all right everybody be cool

no i am leave schreiber and he just fucking is awesome he's like the the most alpha dude and he just sits and reads the lines and he just is like this shit and he's so good i want to fight him that's how good he is i want to fight him and lose just so he can have another win that's how much i like him uh so yeah um so so i did the table read and it was uh a mini series thing i'm not gonna tell you what it's about whatever but uh because i don't know when it's coming out or whatever the light of day and i know for sure i'm not going to be in it but everyone else will be and i'll be like oh that's that movie even philip seymour hoffman will be in it he'll come back from the dead and do it and they won't give me a part for sure no doubt and um although not to be, of course, that would, I mean, that would make me the most,

if fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman did a movie post-death, of course, everyone would go see that. So, yes, put him in the movie. But anyway, it's a backtrack. Give them all. But what I'm saying is that's, yeah, that's, it was a miniseries. The fucking table read was nine hours long. And I had all the little bitch parts where I was like, excuse me. And that's my line.

And I played 47 different people. I played like cop one and cop two. And then look around her. Made. They even gave me the women parts just because they were like, Liv Schreiber was like, I want to see him play all the fucking bitch parts um but uh yeah so he played Sabretooth 2 by the way he also played Sabretooth um maybe the other guy didn't play Sabretooth now that I think about it I don't know there were two different Sabretooths oh no there was a Sabretooth movie I think wasn't there I don't fucking know anyway did that and and uh it. Oh, no. There was a Sabretooth movie, I think. Wasn't there? I don't fucking know.

Anyway, did that. And it was cool to be in the room with all those people. The room was so small. And I was in a room with so many stars. Yeah. And the table read was for a fucking huge director, which I don't want to say. But yeah, it was awesome. I guess he saw me do stand-up and wanted me to come do it.

And it wasn't a comedy, so I was like so confused. But I don't know. Fuck, it's been 53 minutes, dude. Pretty awesome. I guess I'm fucking running out of steam here, dude. I don't know how these guys talk for three hours. But let's see if there's some more good questions. And if not, I'll wrap it up.

Somebody just asked me, what do you think of Tom Segura on 10-Minute Pod? I love Tom. I was hanging out with him in Vancouver the other day. We had dinner. Shout out to Tom Segura. Very funny comedian. Who would win in a fight? Tom Cruise or Leo DiCaprio?

From Patrick Oshbrenner. That's a cool name. However, his handle is pattyman69 change it um I feel like I feel like I don't know I don't know that's a good question well it's a terrible question but it's terrible to even think about that but um I think that maybe tom cruise because tom cruise would uh probably um hey probably has more anger you know what i mean tom cruise probably he's been famous for a long time so he probably feels like people don't like him for the real him well no fuck leonardo caprio was famous when he was way longer actually a. A kid. But Tom Cruise is older. Leo would win.

Leo would win, I feel like. He's got to have... I don't know, though. Tom Cruise looks like he's got that fucking dark secret, you know? Like he's got, like... I don't know. Let me Tom Cruise. I don't know. You stumped me, bro.

Hey, you stumped me, Patty man, 69 change it. So that's, uh, that's it, dude. That's all I got for today. I don't have good, there's not good questions I'm seeing. Um, but let's go over my tour dates, dude. Chris D'Elia.com. Check it out. I'm a lot of, I'm a lot of, I have a lot of dates coming up. And my new special comes out on Netflix in like May or June. We don't have a date yet. But before that, I'm touring it still before I got to start writing new shit. And I am going to be in Virginia Beach, Virginia beach, Raleigh, North Carolina, Greensboro,

North Carolina, Oxnard, California, Melbourne, Australia, Sydney, Australia, Tempe, Arizona, Phoenix as well. West Palm beach, Florida, Baltimore, Atlantic city, Huntington, New York. And that is Long Island or yes, I think, um, that's, that's, and that is Long Island? Yes, I think. I think that's sold out, that one, actually. But maybe not. Check it out.

So those are the dates and more. Also, ChrisDelia.com. Follow me on Instagram, Chris Delia. And follow me on Twitter, Chris Delia. If you have questions, hit hashtag congratulations pod. Right? Congratulations pod. And my Snapchat is Chris D'Elia. So

until next time, you'll be able to listen to me again in a week. Oh, subscribe and rate the thing. That really helps if you subscribe and tell your friends about this podcast because, bro, if this shit doesn't keep climbing, I'm out, dude. So until next time, waiting game.

And right now it's closing time. See you guys later. Thanks for listening. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucker. Fuck you. You're a fucking fucker.

You're a fucking fucker. You're a fucking fucker. You're a fucking fucker.