Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 61. McNoyin

Episode Date: March 26, 2018

It's the 61st episode! On today's show, Chris talks about taking TV too seriously. Also discussed: movers, old timey weightlifters, McDonald's, time machines, 35-minute desserts and raspberry sauce. We name a new elder and Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show, we can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App.

Do you want to get paid $5 and also give $5 to charity? Do you want to buy and sell Bitcoin instantly or get your paycheck deposited right to the app? Well, I'll talk about the Cash App and why it's the number one finance app in the App Store later on in the show. But as for now, download the free Cash app for iOS or Android now. Nice. Alright. Yo, we're here. What is it? Episode 61? See what happens is I have the paper that says all the stuff on the first.

First of all, let me just shout out. That song is a new song. Well, it's a remix. It's the Mr. Green remix. Shout out to Mr. Green, who's made all the congratulations music so far, the theme music. And he also has done all of the music on all of my specials. The guy's a killer, and he did the Chank Smith album, which is a secret hidden gem. And if you know about Chank Smith, then you're a real baby. That's all I got to say.

So check out Mr. Green and his shit. And then, so what happens is, this is what I do every fucking week, man. It says episode, whatever episode it is, and then it has the first ad

that I have to read. I always read the first ad before I say what episode it is and I read the ad and I throw it around and then after I throw it around, fucking,

I don't know what episode it is and then it's on the ground and I can't move because I got my fucking headphones plugged in. My life is really hard, is what I'm saying. Anyway, so it's episode 61, right? Ivan Getridov says it's episode 61. So that's what's up.

Anyway, you know, let's just get right into it, dude. How about how I'm not the actual guy that I play on The Good Doctor? So you don't have to tweet me like I fucking wronged Dr. Murphy, okay? Because I didn't do shit. Know what I did? I took the money from the production, flew up to Vancouver, shot it, and did whatever the writers told me. Okay? I did it word for word.

I didn't add shit. I didn't add shit. And people are tweeting me from the good doctor. Because the last episode I did, you know, I was first. I was Kenny. I was the good doctor's friend. I was befriending the good doctor. You thought, oh, maybe he's the good neighbor.

And it turned out I did something shitty to him. Okay? Now, if you didn't see it, fine. I'm not going to ruin it if you still didn't check it on your fucking DVR or whatever. But everyone's it's like i'm on some some teen show where like 12 year olds don't know and they're like you're a fucking asshole how could you do this how could you do that how could this and that oh we thought we liked you dude people are like we thought we liked you chris delia but somebody wrote uh

hey great job. Uh, to, I think it's Google men is how you pronounce her name. She was a new person on the show along with me. Uh, and, uh,

like we were both been on, we both started the same time. She's like, you've been doing great. Chris Talia, not so much. And I think that he meant because I was being shitty to Sean. I don't,

the guy was like 50 something. And then I tweeted him back like, why not? And he said, no, no, no, you're a good actor. I'm a big fan. And I wrote back, no, stand by it. Don't fucking backtrack. And he wrote, this isn't going to go well for me. I was rolling around in my bed.

Like imagine being on Twitter thinking you're going to say something and nobody's going to see it. And then the guy responds and you're like uh-oh sma fave um so anyway i'm also uh yeah what is it fiona gubleman yeah she's killing it apparently on that i think she's going to be in all of it actually i'm. I'm only in a few. I was only in a few episodes. I don't know if I'll be back for season two. Anyway, look at the fucking Bill. Remember the Billions fucking thing? Here we go with the Billions season two or something. That show Billions, there's an ad on it on IMDb.

Dude, Billions, dude. The most dramatic fucking still. I like to, we made fun of this early on in the podcast i like how billions still they look at this shit they're even more dramatic than the first photo shoot in the first season they have fucking a chandelier in it for fuck's sake and berries and a till and a spilled wine bottle wow everyone's so serious that shit looks like a goddamn documentary, oh my god, anyway, so yeah, I'm not the guy, I'm not, I'm an actor, okay,

an actor, I stole his pizza though, that was the rough, even though I stole his TV, I fucking, I stole his pizza, for some reason that was really twisted on even though i stole his tv i fucking i stole his pizza for some reason that was really twisted the knife at the end of this at the end of the show i i uh if you find out i stole his tv i'm ruining it for you i don't give a fuck and uh and then i and then i go but thanks for the pizza and i take the pizza out of his hand the whole pie and i fucking walk back into my apartment and shut the door on his face he's autistic uh person. I fucking stuck the knife in. That was, oh, I stole your TV, by the way. Huh?

Oh, thanks for the pizza. This is what the thanks for the pizza was. That's what the thanks for the pizza was. The fucking dice, the fucking serrating it. Every knife they ever sold on the knife fucking QVC shit was serrated. Serrated. It's beautifully serrated. It couldn't just be serrated either.

It's beautifully serrated. Look at that. Just look at it. Everything on QVC. Just look at it. They'd show you something and then say. Just look at it. They'd show you something and then say, just look at it. A beautiful

ceramic angel with wings from the artist itself. They've made 20 of them. Look at it. Just look at it. Yeah, no shit. Look at it. It's on TV.

Just look at it you know shit look at it it's on tv just look at it beautiful grape flavored dildo you can stick it on the wall it's got suction look at it just look at it uh they say look at it about anything this beautiful 12 runged ladder look at it yeah it's a ladder look at it they're like a fucking deviant killer where it's like look at it you you were you again with stabbing, you fucking stab them in the gut. And then, and then they go, no. And then they say, look at it, look at it, look at the wound, look at it. And you're like, no, you're killing me. Look at it. it look at that beautiful wound look at it it's a beautiful gash pumping blood spilling on the linoleum floor look at it um anyway we're going live on my app. If you don't have my app, this is what we do.

We shoot the podcast and we shoot it early and then we release it later on in the day, usually on Monday, sometimes Tuesday, right? And you know that because e-baby, all right? Now, we're doing it Sunday because I got to shoot Alone Together on Monday, which is a fucking great show. You got to check it out. And for the fucking truest babies who downloaded my app, you get to see it and be live with me. Hi, guys. You're on the app right now. I'm waving to you.

I got my phone right here. I'm waving to you. I got my phone right here, and I'm going live, and you guys get to see it on Sunday because you're the truest of all the babies. Anyway, look at that beautiful gash. It looks a little bit like a vagina. Have you ever noticed a knife wound looks like a beautiful vagina. Look at it. Look at it.

Look at that vagina. So fucking, Patrick Bateman, don't just stare at it, eat it. I was helping my parent. My parents, dude, my parents, here's the deal man they're selling their house so they're selling their house

and every fucking thing that they it's like when you move the most annoying thing is to move because you gotta pack everything up moving sucks you gotta move it from one place to another place.

You get strangers in the house packing it all up. They steal shit. Naturally, they steal shit. And they're always called something fucking terrible like rock and roll movers, you know, or like fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja movers. And it's just like so like just move my shit. How about you call your company moving don't get cute with movers you're not baking cupcakes you're boxing up microwaves you don't need to fucking you know dave and mary fucking – I don't know.

Anyway, so my point is my parents are selling their house and they sold it. They sold it. And so – by the way, how Jersey was it when I referred to pizza as pie? That's the most fucking, that's the most Jersey thing you could do. Hey, hey, you got a pizza pie? Hey, you want a slice of pie? You want a slice of pie? Yeah, is it apple?

Hey, get the fuck out of here. Apple pie? Fucking American arts. Hey, hey, it's a fucking pizza pie. Anyway, my parents are moving and it took like fucking. It took like. What do you call it?

They're like, yeah, come down to the beach. We got stuff. Chris, you got a big car. You know, it's like you get to get a big car and everyone's fucking asking you to do it. You get a big car. Could you help us? So I went down last week and I posted some video of it on Instagram. And then I went down fucking again this week and they're like,

there's still some stuff we don't want the movers to take. And I'm like, really? Is it that or is it just you want to see fucking me and my brother again There's still some stuff we don't want the movers to take. And I'm like, really? Is it that or is it just you want to see fucking me and my brother again in the house before that you fucking leave? Because dad, he's sentimental as shit. And so, you know, so I went down there and I did it. And why did I bring this story up, though? I brought it up for a reason.

Oh, yeah. Because I fucking love fucking around, man. Dude, like I said, this fucking in the first or second episode, I'm down for a silly goose time and that's it. And you could quote me on that, motherfuckers. I'm down for a silly goose time and that's it. so, uh, so anyway, uh,

I, I, um, I, I, I, they were packing up and every time I would like do one thing, like move one thing into a car,

I'd, I'd go, I just go, I just go like this. I go, all right. Well, like that was the last thing. And we were about to leave. All right. All right. Well, guys like that was the last thing and we were about to leave all right all right well

guys that was fuck man and they would be like chris stop and i'm 37 but every time i did one thing like i would put one thing in their car and be like well that about does it the whole car would be fucking empty and we're not even ready. And they'd laugh at first and then they'd be like, all right, come on, stop. And then I would just, to that, I'd be like, well. And then they'd get mad

and then it became funny again, which was the best because then my brother was like, do more, do more, like such a little brother. Shit. My brother's such a little brother shit my brother's such a little brother dude do more do it more all right guys well that's about it fuck i guess we gotta

go well it was great moving um so anyway look at it um yeah those so what so here's another thing too uh by the way this is the first time i've ever printed out some notes i'm cute bro i'm fucking cute i printed out notes this time how fucking cute it took 61 episodes to fucking get it together and i got fucking six notes dude that's how we do it and i already hit good doctor tweets so we got fucking uh one two three four more notes so i had one note down let's talk about this one now oh let me tell you something man i go to a gym and it's cool and it's all good and it's all fucking good and dude and i don't say this a lot okay but it's all good in the hood all right it's all fucking gravy and i don't say either of those things ever i don't say it's all good and i don't i don't see it's all good in the hood and i don't say it's it's all gravy but let me tell you something it's all good in the hood and it's all gravy all right but dude i got the um

i got the uh uh uh the vip i paid for the fucking vip locker room dude this motherfucking shit is Narnia the regular the regular locker room is so crowded it's like a fucking Japanese subway it's so crowded there are guys that walk around with their cock and balls out no I don't give a fuck about that I don't care about that that's fine. But three guys. That's limit. Okay. Not everybody. Also, some of them are real old and some of them are out of shape. Whatever. It's not.

It's as clean as they make it. The gym I go to is nice and clean. It's as clean. You got a lot of guys in there naked, showering and shit. There's going to be some athletes foot outbreak. Okay. Now. Every now and then. I got the VIP shit, bro.

It's fucking unbelievable. First of all, you use an eye scanner to open the fucking unlock the door. Hey, dude, what are we in a fucking Tom Cruise movie? Real quick, where's Keanu? Okay? And then it goes, gunk, and then you, gunk. Dude, what are we in a fucking Tom Cruise movie? Real quick. Where's Keanu? Okay. And then it goes, and then it invites you when you go in. Dude, it's like Narnia. It's like you entered the fucking wardrobe or whatever, and they give you waters.

They got fruit there. They got a lounge area in the VIP. They got TVs. They got fucking nobody's ever in there. And the guy looked at me at the end of the fucking run through or whatever the fuck you call it. Whatever he's showing me the shit. And he was like, and here's your laundry bag. And I was like, huh?

And he says, well, you put your laundry in here. And then when you come back tomorrow, your laundry will be ready. Huh? laundry in here and then when you come back tomorrow your laundry will be ready huh dude you're gonna do my laundry awesome again fucking shit does my laundry anyway hey live babies that's what you're getting thank you very much for downloading this app I'm definitely going to do this again

I had fun but check out the rest of the podcast what do you call it tomorrow so I'm going offline here ba-bam there did it alright

that's what's up yeah so anyway Bam. There, did it. All right. That's what's up. Yeah, so anyway, but it's awesome, dude. They have this fucking, it's great. I love being, fuck, man. I like working out because it fucking keeps me sane. Dude, here's the thing. People didn't really like, I found this out recently. People didn't really like lift hardcore weights until like recently.

Like that's a newish thing. And those people are finally getting old. Like Arnold and shit. And like a little bit before Arnold, but like, remember those fucking fake strong guys that were like in the early 1900s that really, they weren't even just strong. They just puffed their chest out. Do you know what I'm talking about? And they were just like guys that were like in the early 1900s that really they weren't even just

strong they just puffed their chest out you know i'm talking about and they were just like you were like if they just slouched they'd look like a dad but like they would just and they just have like that the fucking barbells with the big ass spheres on the side like which is as bad because it's gonna roll away when you put it down you know um anyway uh i like how fucking ivan get rid of put in the thing old timey strongman and everything came up that's hilarious but like those guys but like the weight lifters that's like a generally new thing like people weren't lifting weights in the fucking you know anytime, anytime anyone talked like this. Like back then when people were like dirty as fuck and like only wore brown and they were like, my Lord.

Like they didn't lift weights. They were just fucking, they walked everywhere. And that's why they kept trim because they were like, you know, they hop on a horse every now and then, but they'd have to do everything themselves. You know, there was no Wi-Fi, so they'd go out and play. themselves you know there was no wi-fi so they'd go out and play but um but like everyone's getting older and like all that fucking weight lifting like i feel like in a hundred years that's why all this shit like plyo matrix and uh plyo matrix that was called plyo metrics that fucking when you stand on the ball and you just try to balance and shit uh plyo exercising whatever they call it plyo but like and then uh and and uh uh like h i it workout or high intensity training hit or hit interval high intensity energy i don't know what the

fuck it stands for anyway uh like that stuff seems to be and then people swear on crossfit but hey crossfit hey so many injuries so many goddamn injuries hey lift up this fucking keg you know hey what we're doing now is we're doing keg squats huh yeah this keg is filled it's about how much is away we don't even know just fucking lift it lift it and then and then push it above your head and then drop it down real fucking hard. And if someone's in the way, they'll get killed. And by the way, we're fucking up your back. CrossFit. Dude, how many people have done CrossFit for like four months?

And then they're like, oh, okay. Well, yeah, my leg's all fucked. But that's why that shit like. Like I feel like Orange Theory or whatever. Like those are pretty good. But like the shit where they fucking. What's up with that big ass tire? why that shit like like i feel like orange theory or whatever like those are pretty good but like the shit where they fucking what's up with that big ass tire that every gym has now especially the crossfit gym what what fucking first of all where do you get it you know i feel like those

are just made in sacramento and anytime you need one, they truck them out from Sacramento. This is the most Sacramento-y-ass shit, is those big-ass fucking tires that are taller than you. What's it for? Where do you put it? On what wheels does it go? Huh? It's for like fucking cranes, I guess.

And you got to jump on it and push it and then flip it over. And you only, by the way, you never see a fat guy do that, ever. It's always the most ripped motherfuckers flipping a big ass tire back and forth. Or literally the strongest woman you've ever seen in your life. And then she turns around and she says, okay, tires flipped. Anyway, did you need this on a crane or something? Let's fuck.

I'll fuck you though. Turn around. Anyone need some wheels that are way too big? Yeah. So I'm in that fucking VIP locker room, dude, and there's no turning back there's no turning back dude i took a shower at the gym the other day i never did that they do

you walk in you have your shirt and pants and underwear you walk in you change because they have your laundry and then you work out you go back in you shower put on your clothes it came in you you leave it's like you're shopping you you're not fucking working out, you don't leave a sweaty mess, you leave nice, got notes bro, real fucking cute, that's it, that's all I got left now, get that shit dude, I want to know two things, okay, in the world. I've thought about this all week. Two things.

I want to know if I had a time machine, okay, to go back in time. Now, realistically, I would go back and hang out with Tupac or go back, you know, go back and hang out with Tupac or go back to the 80s and just sit in the back of the comedy store and watch, right? You know, it's kind of odd when people say shit like, oh, I'd go back and see the dinosaurs. Like, I get that. But when people are like, but to me, I'd want to go back not that far if I had a time machine because I'd want to see how it was just before me or like stuff that affects me like stand-up or like Tupac is my favorite artist ever. So like I'd want to go back and see what he's all about and be during that time even though I was 10 when he was rapping but like – and 12 and 13 and he died when i was i think 16 but um but to to go back and to like see him or something like that affects me more than you know than whatever the fuck going back to meet napoleon even though i would want to do that too that'd be crazy see how short he was and shit and see how bitchy was you know Napoleon was so bitch you know he was he was just like I would be French

right so I need to conquer the whole world you know and he was just so bitch and you know you know like when girls when he had sex with girls he was like was that the best one you've ever had? And she was like, oui, oui, oui. Ah, I know it. You know? And he's so short, but he was like, was I the best one you've ever had? And she's like, oui, oui, oui. And he's like, I knew it.

Because he's this tall. Why can't I be the best one you've ever had? You know, when he got mad, he went like this. And anyway, oh, yeah. That's what I would do for real is go back to Tupac or go back to Tupac or go back and see the back of the room at the – go to the back of the room at the Comedy Store and watch those guys like Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, David Letterman, fucking Sam Kinison, all those motherfuckers, right? Or even Dave Chappelle coming up you know what i mean like guys like that chris rock you know

what i mean like anyway george carlin see those guys but um i want to i would go back i would also see if i got it like a time machine and if i I could only use it a few times, I'd see if I could talk to the technician and tack on one more go back in time. So I could fucking murder the guy right before he coined the term Mickey D's. You know, whoever fucking thought that was cute. Whoever, whoever thought, I don't know if it was somebody that worked for McDonald's or if it was just somebody that started calling it Mickey D's. He was like the fun guy in the fucking, in the class or the fucking camp or like the workplace. the shortened version of mcdonald's even urban dictionary calls it the shortened version of mcdonald's even though you're not saving any syllables i agree dude if you if you have if you have like even urban dictionary fucking hates it like even if you have if you're trying

to abbreviate something and it's not abbreviated you're still saying the same amount of syllables turn around minside you dude mickey d's to think that that's cute and to think that that's funny and to think that that's humorous if you were a housewife it had to be a housewife it had to be a woman with kids that was bored out of her fucking mind. Because, I mean, it was a long time ago. It's been Mickey D's ever since I was born, I think. Maybe it was the branding shit. Hey, you know, Mickey D's is a fun way to say it.

Ah, fuck. If you say Mickey D's, hey, you are. You are. You are. I just imagine, like do people, there's also a fucking on Sunset Boulevard, there's McDonald's and then next to it, there's a new show coming out called like McMafia or something. And it's like directly across from McDonald's. And every time I drive by, I'm like, they put this fucking billboard McMafia right next to McDonald's. It's so fucking, you know what that is? Mcannoying. That? McAnoying. That's McNoian.

Put the billboard a little bit down further. Thanks, AMC. Also, McMafia, dude. Heh? Cyrush. Oh, hey, where was McMafia? Oh, really? It was on BBC? Eh, in the shit. Although that guy's a really good actor, the lead in where was McMafia? Oh, really? It was on BBC?

Eh, in the shit? Although that guy's a really good actor, the lead in that fucking McMafia. He's fucking really good. I love that guy. What's his name, James Norton? Yeah, he's fucking good. He was in, I think he was in the fall.

Was he in the fall? What was he in? No? Yeah, no, it was a little earlier than that. Black Mirror. no yeah it was a little earlier than that black mirror he was in something i saw doctor who i don't know anyway yeah dude don't say mickey d's you don't do that if you see another baby doing that you fucking correct that motherfucker um How about that fucking thing with the Doctor Who guy when they were talking about how they were trying to fucking get him to give up his money?

Did you see that? They were trying to. So people found out that I think it's the queen, the movie, the show, the queen, that the lead, the actress on the queen got paid less than the guy in the queen. And they were like, oh, it's not right. And it's she's a bigger part. She's the lead. It's about her. It's the queen got paid less than the guy in the queen. And they were like, Oh, it's not right. And it's, she's a bigger part. She's the lead. It's about her.

It's the queen. But the guy on the queen is more famous. He played Dr. Who like for fucking a few years or something like that. So people are like, I mean the left, a lot of the fucking, or not even the left,

just fucking snowflakes are like, Oh, well, that's not fair he should donate his discrepancy of money towards the fucking if he was a good guy he'd donate his money are you fucking kidding me let me tell you something man get your motherfucking money it's not fair out there get your money dude get your money mark walberg everyone pressured him dude it was in his deal that way dude it may not be fair but that's not how you correct it is pressuring some guy to fucking push his money into some... Oh, dude.

And then if he didn't, he would have been like... People would have thought he was a piece of shit and not to go see his movies. That's wrong, dude. That's fucking wrong. You can't pressure somebody into fucking giving up their money that they've worked... Oh, okay. E-communist? is what america is based on work the hardest get paid the most now i got a question for you e-communist

what's the fucking incentive that's not how you fix it is starting at the top and trying to fix it at the top. That is not how you fucking fix anything is going to the top and trying to fucking bandaid it up. You got to fucking start at the bottom, dude, make more opportunities for the shit or whatever the fuck. I don't know. I certainly don't know. But I know you don't start at the top and say, hey, Mark Wahlberg, by the way, give your money up. What? You start way before that.

You start at the bottom. People just want to fix it, and they want to surface. They're like that fucking couch shit on the QVC, the leather couch, where they're like, hey, you don't have to fix your couch. Just fucking this plaster over it we got it in all colors it's still a fucking rip in it you piece of shit oh dude i wish it happened to me hey chris d'alia you got

to donate your money i go like this i make a. I look right into the video and I say, hey dude, guess what I'm doing? Stacking my chips. Dude, this is my fucking money I work for. Give it up? For something that you deem

giving it up worthy? I got a fucking I got something to tell you. I got something to fucking tell you instead. I got something sincerely to tell you instead. I got something fucking way too sincerely to tell you. Got something way fucking too serious to tell you. Okay, can't find it, so... Got something sincerely to tell you.

Oh, fuck. I hit the emergency shit. How about that? Hey, how about... How we... Oh, I didn't hit the right thing. Hey, Chris, donate your money to a cause we deem, or else your career's over. I can't hear you.

All of the windows are up in my helicopter somebody's gonna get mad at that i don't give a fuck it's a comedy podcast anyway dude uh here we go quip that's what's up if you're a person with a mouth, which you are, unless you're Keanu Reeves in that one scene in The Matrix, it's likely that you don't brush your teeth for a full two minutes, change your brush on time,

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That's your first refill pack. That's your first refill pack free at getquip.com slash congrats. Spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P.com slash congrats. Toss that paper to the side because we're done. Square cash. Square cash. If you haven't heard, we are switching to the cash app. It's the simplest way to pay people back. Friends, family, you know, movers, shakers, big money makers. And I didn't even mean to rhyme.

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Cash app, and $5 goes to you, and $5 goes to Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. The Legal Defense Fund is a great thing because we here at Congratulations believe in the Time's Up cause, and Ivan Getridov of does and so does

one fire um download the free cash app for ios or android now uh so yeah so that's that's good you guys see uh uh oh so that those are the two things i was thinking of all week. The Mickey D's thing. And then also, here's a fundamental difference between me and somebody. All right? If I'm at a restaurant, a nice restaurant, which I don't go to, but, man, once every few months. If that, really. man, once every few months, if that really, um, some restaurants do this thing where they'll be like, hi, how are you doing? Um, can I take your, can I take your drink order? And you're like, I'm not, uh, yeah, I'll have a, you know, whatever club soda, Coca-Cola, wine, beer, whatever the fuck. And they'll be like, okay, I'll come right back to take your order. And

then you come back and they're like, hi, would you like to take your order? I would like to take your order. Yeah. I get the fucking squash ravioli and the fucking salmon or whatever the fuck. And they're like, okay, now would you like to order a dessert? Because the dessert takes 35 minutes to make.

And if you want the dessert, you can order it later, but it'll take 35 minutes to make. So if you want the dessert, you can order it later, but it'll take 35 minutes to make. So if you know you want the dessert now, you can order the dessert now. This way it'll be ready for you after you eat. My answer is always

no. Because how the fuck do I know if I'm going to want dessert? I didn't even eat the meal yet. Who knows how much I'm going to eat? Who knows if i am gonna have a hankering for some sweet shit if you say yes at that moment i mean sometimes they're like hi welcome to fucking wherever do you know if you want dessert yet before we get things started off

and you're like huh can you take my drink order they do the valet you. And you're like. Huh? Can you take my drink order? They do. The valet. You park. And they're like. Hey. A ticket. Here's a ticket. It's going to be $10 when you come back.

Do you know if you want dessert? I tell them inside. It takes 35 minutes to make. They'll call you in while you're getting ready. You're putting on your fucking button down. Hello. Hi. This is the really nice restaurant you're coming to.

Are you going to want dessert? Can I figure it out when I get there? It's like, who the fuck? No, no, no. Here's the deal.

You don't have dessert that takes 35 minutes to make. You have dessert that takes 10 minutes to make forever, no matter what restaurant you're in. And, and those are the desserts you have this way i can order if i want after i goddamn eat that's a fucking legit rule if you're the kind of person that's like oh yeah you know what that's such a chick thing to do i bet oh sounds good like you just like the sound of it like chicks love ideas you know what i'm talking about chicks love ideas. You know what I'm talking about? Chicks love to say shit like to their boyfriends where they're like, you know what? We should fix up an old car.

And you're like, what the fuck are you talking? Oh, really? Let's talk about that tomorrow. And they'll be like, and then you'll be like, hey, do you want to fix up? Do you want to look up old cars? I don't know. You know, I was just like, I like i mean yeah we could do it but like that but but dudes do i'm sure there are dudes who do that shit too just like yeah i'll get the

dessert yeah let's order that now and then you eat and you fucking stuff it up and then you're like oh i don't know if i want that dessert anymore nah nah dude you're you're there's a fundamental difference between me and you if you order that fucking dessert 100 before ordering dessert before you you order your meal well you like a fucking the precog of restaurants what is this a minority report restaurant edition let me check with the cogs. And then there's three bald white chicks in a fucking vat of disgusting placenta fluid. And they're just like, order it.

And they're like, fuck, we got to order the dessert now. It has to be ordered. Okay, order it. They're at fucking. They're at Tao on fucking Kohanga. Ordered. Okay, order it. They're at fucking... They're at Tao on fucking Coanga. Order it. The one in Vegas or the one in Coanga in Hollywood? They're at the one... Which one?

Cogs. Ask the Cogs. He's in Vegas. Scratch that, Vegas! Order it! Do the Cogs agree? Yes. Like, come on.

Dessert takes... You know what? Have the dessert ready. How about that? Don't even make the dessert. Have cookies, ice cream, and some fucking manila fingers or whatever the fuck they're called. That's it. Have a brownie and put some raspberry sauce.

Dude, I fucking hate when people put raspberry sauce on desserts. It fucks it right up. Congratulations, man. Congratulate the fucklations. Oh, did you put raspberry sauce on my dessert? Guess what you did? You fucked my shit right up. You did.

You might as well wipe your fucking anus on my brownie, dude. I used to be married, okay? And I was married to, I don't know if it's a Mormon thing, but I was married to this girl and her family was Mormon. And dude, her family was the best, okay. They put fucking raspberry sauce on everything I could imagine, dude. They put it on salad. They'd be like, it's a raspberry vinaigrette. Okay. Oh, would you like fucking, we made croissants. By the way, do you say croissant? Go to France. That's it. That's it. Very simple. I'm not mad. Just go to France. Do you say croissant? Congratulations. You've got land here. Keep it. Do you say croissant? Look, I'm not even

mad. Go to France. Just go to France. No hard feelings. Take a flight to France. Take the next trip. Take the next flight to France. Have as many croissants as you want. But they'd be like, raspberry, everything raspberry.

No chocolate, nothing. No fucking apricot bullshit. No kiwi, nothing, dude. Raspberry sauce. The day is long. No bullshit. There would be raspberry sauce on fucking like turkey and shit. It was weird as fuck.

They'd have raspberry sauce on like, you'd be like, go outside, here's your fucking jacket, make sure to dip it in some raspberry sauce, it's cold out there, and you didn't even think about it, you're just like, okay, and you're like, wait, what, outside cold as shit, tasting like raspberry, what's going on, why I got raspberry on me? And they'd just be sitting there. It was weird as fuck, dude. I don't know if that's a Mormon thing or what. It sounds like it would be a Mormon thing though. Raspberry sauce. Like that's how they get their kicks, you know?

Because they can't drink caffeine. They're just like, maybe that's how they get you, dude. Try some raspberry sauce. Would you like, would you like some raspberry sauce? And you're like, uh, I don't know why it's very good.

Anyway, it's here. If you'd like, we use it for dipping. And then you're like, I guess I'll try it, man. Everyone's so nice.

I mean, maybe it's good. And then you just eat it and become a little blonder every time you eat it. He's like, Oh God. And then you check in them after a few meals you check and you're like what the fuck and you look you're like am i going gray and then you look closer and you just realize it's blonde and you're like what the f and you go what the and all of a sudden you catch yourself

saying what the frick or i'm i mean wait what what the freaking heck is going on and you're like, excuse me. Linda, come in here. Do you see this? And then she just says, oh, my. And you're like, what? You're going blonde. And she's like, what the frick?

And you're like, yeah, is it? What's been different in our lives and she's like i can't think of anything i mean we kind of just how long has it been getting how long have you been going great i don't know four or five weeks a month you know she's like well the only thing that's new in our life is we're friends with the Swensons. And he's like, yeah, but what does that have to do with anything? You think I'm getting gray? Or you think I'm getting blonde because of the Swensons?

She's like, I don't freaking know. I actually don't flipping know, she says. You're like, I don't know. And you're just like throwing away your Coca-Cola for no reason. I don't know what's going on. And then all of a sudden you're like, one day you're like, you think it's the flipping raspberry sauce? And by then it's too late. You're a part of the Jesus Christ Church of Latter-day Saints.

Hey, have more words in your church title, by the way. Jesus Christ Latter-day Saints of Church of Jesus Christings. The Pedestrian Church St. Henry of Congratulations Latter-day Saints-a-thon. What? How? Fucking. Latter-day Saints-a-thon. What? How fucking boring is church? Make it more exciting. And I know people are going to say shit like, well, you just haven't been to the right church. And to those people, I go like this. No, instead of that, you're a boring person. like this. No, instead of that, you're a boring person. It's okay to go to church and it's great.

And it's, but don't tell me it's fun. It is boring. And that's why it's church because you're there to worship, not celebrate. Slammed you. Now that is a, am i a waiter at denny's because i served you a hot piping plate of denny's grand slam breakfast it's for worship that's why some religions get on their fucking knees and do it because it's supposed to hurt your knees because you're worshiping they don't put you in a fucking lazy boy do they that church isn't fun it's not supposed not being sacrilegious it's not supposed thwacking it up dude um anyway what do you want to do fucking elders or you want to do

uh elders or what can we do here let me look at the instagram let me see if i got some fucking instagram shit uh oh man do i have wait i'll actually you know what i i i just remembered what happened was fucking ben affleck's back tattoo you saw that dude okay look i actually i like ben affleck i think he's in cool movies i fucking i think he's good he's a good director i i fucking liked him as batman i know i think that's the unpopular opinion but i thought he was cool as shit as batman he looks the part he's fucking got cool gray hairs. That's how I think Bruce Wayne should be. I like them as Batman. Okay? Go fuck yourself.

But like, and that back tattoo, look, who gives a fuck if a back tattoo is what someone else likes? You gotta like it. Fine. The funniest shit, though, was people were making fun of it, and he said no, it's just for a movie, and then years

later, they got a picture with him with the tattoo on. I don't quite get, what is that part on the bottom under the wing that's not attached to the phoenix? Also, to get, yeah, what is that? This is like a dildo, but why is it not connected? Oh, there's weird breaks in it yeah that is weird but it's just odd that he got that tattoo that's so big but maybe he did get it for the movie and then just decided to keep it but the fact that he said it was just and that's that was cool but the fact that it's dude i, I don't understand this. Dude, for somebody to say, yo, that back tattoo sucks to me, I go in your face. I close the distance and I say, bro, this back tattoo is the fucking shit.

You don't know what you're... Dude, guess what? I happen to think that back tattoo i happen to think i i don't i i think it's ugly okay that's my opinion if if ben affleck came out with a video that said hey uh uh you know i've been i've been hearing about this shit about my back tattoo. I know a lot of you guys don't like my back tattoo, but I just got one thing to say to you guys. And then he takes his shirt off in the vlog, turns around, and does a fucking, and points down to it with two thumbs over his shoulders, and then just fucking. And does a little activation with his hips dude

and then he looks in the camera and says guess what I have fucked some of your wives probably and then he goes like this and then he goes good will hunting and then fucking it's over and then the next time you see him it's wrapped around he got it

fucking more wrapped around his front it fucking more it wrapped around his front too no bullshit ben affleck right then would skyrocket to my favorite actor of all time talent wise that's how hard i would like that not just favorite actor talent wise i'd be like he's the most talented actor over Daniel Day-Lewis, Christian Bale, fucking the guy who played in the movie Darkest Hour, Gary Oldman. He's better than all those motherfuckers. Dude, I watched The Darkest Hour or I tried to. That's all I'll say about that. You figure out if i liked it or not by this hey hey could we put more shades of brown in that movie hey could you put more bulbous noses in that movie oh

could you just oh hey could i make sure could we make sure i can't hear a word coming out of of Gary Oldman's mouth. Eh. Uh. Ah. Um. I get it. Good acting. And I, dude, I, it was, he's good. Gary Oldman is honestly one of the best actors

of this generation. If you don't think so, fuck you, straight up. But he is not better than ben affleck if he gets a fucking wrapped around phoenix tattoo all over his tummy too there's no way talent wise ben affleck is better that's how it goes um i mean i don't understand why people don't see that's how trump that's how trump became president you're're damn right I'm going to do that motherfucking shit. When we said, you know when I knew he was going to be president?

When he said, we're going to build a wall. And everyone said, no, you're not. And he said, oh, yeah, I am. As a matter of fact, I'm going to get Mexico to pay for it. You know that I was that meme of that fucking of the dudes in the playground that are like, oh. I was that meme. When he said that, I went, oh. And I knew it wasn't going to happen.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. When he did that shit, dude, when Trump was like, yeah, I am. And guess who's going to pay for it? Mexico. Mexico. And then the Mexican president was like, no, we're not. And then Trump goes like this.

Oh, that's funny. And then he should have got a wall tattoo on his back, turned around, and fucking put his thumbs above his shoulders, pointing to the wall, and fucking wrapped that motherfucker around his fat-ass white tummy. Fuck your bitch, I'm Donald Trump. Hey, Donald Trump, you're orange. Obviously don't be orange. Why does anybody ever talk about anything about Donald Trump? Besides the fact that he's fucking orange. I know that's a big thing out there. We all know. But why on earth does anybody ever talk about anything else besides the fact that our president is a new race?

Oh, it's cool. But you were drawn by Matt groaning. You Donald Simpson. Dude, what a, how bitch is it to fake tan as a guy, as a woman? I get it. There's a fucking whole industry for looking good with women. There is less of an industry for a man. Also, the guys who do it aren't even in that industry. You're trying to be a fucking businessman. You don't need to fake tan. What the fuck? You don't. What? You don't.

He don't. What? He don't. Wrap that tattoo around you if people talk shit, man. All right. We got an elder, dude. We got a new elder. And he is. I really liked this. Faisal, at Faisal, F-A-I-S-X-L.

I guess he's extra large. And this is why. Because he made this. And I'm not going to be able to get it probably. Here we go. This is why he's our elder. I ain't got no mother. So I fucked your bitch. You better.

Motherfucker. West side. You know who the realest is, niggas. We bring it to you. That's right. Take money. First of all,

fuck your bitch in the cliques you claim. West side. When we rock, we quit, we gain. That's right. We'll be right back. Bad boy murdering on wax and kip. We fuck with me and get your cats pipped. You know, see? Grab your glocks when you see Tupac. Call the cops when you see Tupac. Who shot me but your pumps didn't finish. Now you're about to feel the wrath of a menace. Nigga, I hit him up. It's out. You motherfuckers know what time it is.

I don't even know what time it is. That's so dope. I'll tweet the link to the rest of it. He fucking, that remix is awesome. It sounds like he's rapping on that beat. I always thought, too, whenever Tupac came out with, like, other music after he died, and they tried to remix it, it always sounded like you could tell. That's like you can barely tell.

Maybe I'm biased. It sounds great, the way he fucking did it. When I first heard that, I was like, oh, shit. You know, he's my favorite, and that was fucking awesome to do that to the congratulations beat. But I love how Tupac laughs like he fucking pinched your titties. You know what I mean? He's like, ah, yeah.

Kiss me if you can. Yeah. Gave you a titty twister. Anyway, Faisal, we will DM you. We will DM you with the info. So make sure you follow us. You probably already do, but you get your pin and your certificate. Cooling, cooling, cooling, cooling, babies.

Let's take some questions here. Luke Edwards, at Lukey underscore the underscore poo luki the poo you know what's coming hey change it um not really gaming the system here but at chris to leo what are your thoughts on you know it turns out you are gaming the system because you did it on today which or wait no oh no this was yesterday even wow yeah you weren't really gaming the system, but it's all good. What are your thoughts on people who call themselves a snack? Yeah. Well, if you call yourself a snack, you're a fucking asshole. If you call Bay a snack or whatever they would say, then that's okay because it's like giving them a compliment. If you call yourself a snack, you deserve to be a snack for lions. Okay? You deserve to be eaten.

to be a snack for lions okay you deserve to be eaten you yeah it's not cool that's definitely definitely not cool look at the poo um it's funny sofia g at self giardini giardini giardini giardini i don't know uh what do you think about the british royal family and how and how so many people are invested in it? Is it the 1500s? No? Okay, who gives a fuck? Yeah, I don't know about that. I actually don't know.

I guess that's a fine question. I don't know. Is that something that should only be in the 1500s? I guess I don't know. I don't know enough about it to say if it's fucking bullshit or not. But, yeah, that's it. I don't know. You know what?

You stumped me on Twitter questions. Ivan Getridov sent me a stumper. Yeah, I think we can wrap things up here uh that was a fun one man and uh i'm i had a good time um and i am so this is going to come out on on monday so which is today you guys wink wink even though i did it yesterday um i have all my uh dates coming up if they're not up now they will be up by the end of the day because monday is the day we were going to we were going to do it um but he uh so one fire one fire is going to add them uh i i'm announcing all of the the second leg and there and there are a lot of cities on this coming up uh you know, Red Bank, New Jersey, Maine.

There's one in Maine, Portland, Maine, I think. Portland, Maine, and then other places. Oh, I got them right here. It's right here. Eugene, Oregon, Sacramento, California, Red Bank, New Jersey, Wilmington, Delaware, Reading, Pennsylvania, Tulsa, California, Red Bank, New Jersey Wilmington, Delaware Reading, Pennsylvania Tulsa, Oklahoma Midwest City, Oklahoma, Dallas, Texas

Portland, Maine Hampton Beach, New Hampshire North Hampshire Mashantucket, Connecticut, which is my least favorite place to perform because it's the casino and I fucking hate it Houston, Texas Wichita KO, what's that?

Did you do it wrong ko what is it ka at one fire dude he's not here and put wichita cones this fucking fuck off, bro. This guy fucking isn't here. He's like, I'll fax all the info. Wichita, Kansas. We're coming for you. Wichita, Kansas. And then Kansas City, Missouri. Lincoln, Nebraska. Reno, Nevada.

And Las Vegas, Nevada. Las Vegas, Nevada. That's the second leg. That's the second leg. Now's the second leg. Now, everybody fucking relax. I'm doing a third leg, and that leg is going to be bonks. It's going to be bonks. It's going to be bonkers.

I'm going to do all the East Coast dates. The shit will be in New York. There'll be New York. There'll be Boston. There'll be all the shit there. Oh, yeah. I'll probably add Atlanta and even Phoenix, I think. But, yeah, so there's a lot coming up. I know Phoenix is on the East Coast, okay, so you don't need to correct me. But Boston and New York and Atlanta kind of is.

So that's what's up. Those are the cities I'm doing. On the second leg, go get your tickets. I think they're available for pre-sale and they'll be sold across the board later on in the week. You guys are fucking awesome. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, please.

We almost have 100,000 subscribers, so see if we can get there. Download the Chris D'Elia app for iOS or Android and you know what you can do. I'm going to definitely go live on that every now and then for the babies. Subscribe, rate, and review the show on the app. You got to help me out and do all this shit. It really helps the app. It helps the numbers and it helps grow it. And that's what we're trying to do because we're

trying to get to this fucking log cabin. Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. You watch my specials. Share them, man. Tell people about them. Everybody tell one person about Man on Fire. That's your fucking homework as babies. I'll be on more episodes of Alone together coming up for the second season. I'm shooting that today. And thank you for listening, guys. Sigh of the fuck off. See you later.

Congratulations. Congratulations. you