Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 63. Papcock

Episode Date: April 9, 2018

Wow it's the 63rd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about having a bunch of kids. Also discussed: Conor McGregor, a Cuban Uber driver, not knowing what day it is, the tediousness of being on set, people who do their own stunts, Eminem, & Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It's episode 63. And we are coming to you from the past. We're going to put this episode up today. But we recorded it a day ago. Now, I'm going live on my app for the subscribers. And they're hearing this podcast in the past. They already heard the beginning of it. I'm going to do the first 10 minutes here on my app

which you can just type in Crystalia at the app store and listen to the first few minutes before it comes out. If not, all good but you got to wait like a plebeian. I'm wearing this shirt. It says Yum. It's a fan made it and gave it to me

And I don't remember when they gave it to me I think I was in Wherever I was last In Florida maybe But anyway it was really cool Oh no it was in South Carolina No it was in Florida Anyway I have no idea

But they gave it to me And it's an ode to one of the podcast episodes called Yum, and it has to do with the Sword and Scale episode where they always say, I like to eat children. Yum. But yeah, so it's Sunday today. It's finally

fucking being beautiful in Los Angeles. First of all, let me tell you, before we even get into the podcast, I had to do an interview for this radio station, and I did it. And it was 30 minutes long. Eh, too long. And one fire and Ivan Getridov was sitting here while I was doing the interview. And my voice is like gone already because of it.

Now I got to do an hour on the podcast. Dude, what I'm trying to tell you guys is my life is so hard. It's hard. The fucking Juans, the Ivan and Juan are laughing because they know my life is not hard. But I'm a busy guy, okay? I'm busy. Out of the 10-minute podcasts I used to do with Brian Callen and Will Sasso, who's the busiest? Who's the busiest?

We had an episode called Who is the Busiest? But yeah, so did I talk about the florida gigs already i already did that right yeah i don't know what dude how about this i haven't known what day it is since i graduated high school and if you know what day it is you have a fucking office job straight up you know who doesn't know what day it is chicks on like instagram they doesn't know what day it is? Chicks on like Instagram. They don't know what day it is. Dude, in LA, chicks in LA, that hawk herbal tea. Hooker.

They don't know what day it is. You fucking putting coffee scrub on your body in the shower. Hooking. You don't know if it's Tuesday or fuckin' Saturday. You have no fuckin' clue. Hump day? That just means you're fuckin'. And it's every day. Hump day is hump day cause it's

humpin' day. Cause you're fuckin' for cash. Din-din-din-din. I can't wait to run for mayor and there's so much black and white footage of me. Chris D'Elia said, Chris D'Elia, do you really want him putting,

do you really want him dealing with your kids and their schools when this is what he says? And it plays a clip of me saying, I'd get fucked in the ass for $4 million. Even though I didn't say that. But I'm just saying. Yum.

My dogs are here. I got salmon butters. They're chilling. You know what I mean? Dude, life is fucking good. How about when the weather's good and you fucking wake up and you just walk outside and you literally just hear in your head,

what I want you got and it might be hard to handle and you're walking and a flame burns a candle and you get in the car and then you hear some and you turn on the radio and there's some bullshit

fucking radio DJ and you're like, okay, that dulled my mood a little bit. And then, but you're like, but don't take it from me, man. Don't take it from me.

I'm going to just drive. I'm going to go get get my coffee you go get your coffee and you get there and there's some guy dressed all in mesh in hollywood and it and it pisses you off a little bit but you're like you know what don't take it from me man this day it's a beautiful day i'm trying to listen to fucking some hollow notes in my head i'm trying to live a montage style life. I'm trying to live that montage lifestyle, dude. That's what I'm trying to do. But people fucking get at you. Maybe a homeless guy yells at you and spits on you a little bit. And you're like, oh, now I have AIDS.

Maybe. Now, is that bad to say? Now, is that something that they're going to play in black and white when I run for mayor of Los Angeles? Yes. But do I care? No. Because here, let me tell you something. Let me tell you what Conor McGregor's going to do. And then let me tell you what he should do. All right. Now everybody knows what he did. He fucking took that chair and he threw it into the bus and it cracked the bus. And now he turned himself in and he's in jail. Now what he's going to do probably is apologize.

Now I don't think he should fucking apologize. Here's why. Apparently what happened was these UFC fighters or fighters cornered his friend and were like bullying him or whatever, threatening him or whatever. were like bullying him or whatever, threatening him or whatever. Conor McGregor, which is the most Irish thing you can do if you're rich, got on a jet, flew to where this was, confronted the guy who was in the bus at the time, took a chair, threw it at the bus. Now that's illegal. We get it.

I would never do it. But if I did do it, what Conor McGregor should do instead of apologizing, say, listen, I know it was illegal, but somebody was fucking with my friend. I got on a jet to come show these motherfuckers what's up. I know it's illegal, and I'm not sorry because I would do it again. I know it's illegal and I'm not sorry because I would do it again. That's what he should say because that's what a down ass motherfucker does. If Conor McGregor did that, you'd understand. He would be an even bigger star.

When you apologize, you become this fucking, you become this fucking, I'm not saying you should never apologize. I've done shit that's stupid. know you apologize for that but that shit that motherfucker was being a down-ass homie that's what he was being so irish so irish and so rich to be like i can't do an irish accent i wish i could but what did he say oh he's he he, he, he said he cornered you. Ah, I've got $20 million. I've got 20 million francs or whatever they have over there. Not Frank's where they have. Frank's is German, right? I don't know. I've got 20 million Irish dollars. I've got 20 million euro. Well, it's probably 40 billion, 40 billion euro. You know how like fucking it's all different. You go to Mexico. You're like, ah, what's $2. They're like, it's probably 40 billion 40 billion euro you know how like fucking it's all different you go to mexico you're like oh what's two dollars they're like it's 14 million pesos

oh i'm rich um anyway i'm flying over i'm getting on my jet i'm getting on my jet and i'm flying over and i'm throwing the first child i see into his bus yeah well he's actually worth way more than 20 million right but um yeah fuck that don't apologize for that connor that motherfucker hey hey if that's what happened he deserved it um yeah anyway what was i even saying oh yeah the the fucking if i run for mayor dude i'm not sorry for any of this shit i don't know that's all i'm saying but dude um you know it's like it's like really cool it's really cool that that happened and it's it's bad for the ufc i guess but it's good for uh it's good for it's good for for Conor McGregor if he spins it right.

But what did I do this week? One thing I actually forgot to tell you about was when I was in Florida, I literally had the most Cuban driver of all time, this Uber driver dude. We wanted to take an Uber to South Beach just to walk around and see it. And this guy was – when I got in, he – when I got in the Uber, he goes like – first of all, he was sun trustworthy, which was – which is for some reason in my head, it's a Cuban. But I opened the door, and he goes like this, what's your name? What's your name?

I clapped. What's your name? I said, oh, yeah, my name's Chris. Okay, because you come in here because one time the other day, a guy come in, drive all the way to Fort Lauderdale. Man, I didn't make that money, man. It wasn't him. I didn't get paid because I didn't take him all the way to Fort Lauderdale. Man, I didn't make that money, man. It wasn't him. I didn't get paid because I didn't take him all the way to Fort Lauderdale. I said, what?

Why the fuck would some random guy just get driven all the way to Fort Lauderdale, not tell you who he was? It's a fucking hour away. He's like, I don't know, man. Why do Cubans always, I don't know, man. They put their palms so far behind the front of their face my man i don't know i wash my hands of this man my man i don't know man just trying to pop my chest out as much as i can put a palms on my hands way far back in there man that's what i'm doing man

and he was saying you go to south beach man Do you want to go to there? What was it called? Something cafe. Like Mambo Cafe. Whatever it was, it was the most Miami name of all time. You know? By the way, who does that Mambo No. 5 song? Lou Bega. I feel like that guy's always in Miami and never sleeps. Just wearing a white fucking suit with a white hat.

That's him, right? Wait, no, that's Mambo No. 5. Wait, what am I singing? That's not, that's Mambo No. 5 is, but what's the fucking, what is that song? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the candle.

No, say, Flip Fantasia. Yeah, I get it mixed up with Lou Bega because I feel like Lou Bega would fucking be dancing to that song. So that's the song he's dancing to all the time. But anyway, Flip Fantasia. Yeah, I love that song. Fucking kind of sucks cocks, you know?

Anyway, we did the ride. And he was like, you're going to South Beach. You got to go to whatever. It was something like Mambo Cafe, man. You got to go there, man. Driving always with his hands behind his, not even using the steering wheel because he's so cute. And he had to keep his hands behind his face. Fucking opening up, palms out. Man, you got to go there, man.

The girls, man, that girls. My friends, this is what he was saying. My friends like to go to the strip club, man. You want to go to the strip club, you go to this one, man. You pay $2, $3, man. you put it down man one time i paid 80 dollars had the time of my life but these strip clubs on the beat man of miami man they tell what for what man you pay 400 for what go to sit on you man there's no word man but this is what he was saying i didn't say anything about a strip club but he was like you got to go to this one man If you want to go off the grid, man Three dollars, four dollars, man

For throwing three dollars Nah, dude, he would get so violent Immediately Like he would be like He said, oh, he's telling me how to hit on girls He was like, where I'm from In Cuba, they get it They get it, man

You go up, you'll be a little bit more I tell my son, I tell my son I'm 49 be a little bit more aggressive. I tell my son. I'm 49 years old. I tell my son. I tell my son to, he says, you know, you be a little nice to the girls. You talk to them. But in Cuba, you can be a little bit more aggressive.

But here in Miami, they don't care. You go up, you say, what's up? Let's do this. And he goes like this. He literally did the most Cuban together. He goes like this He fucking did that neck slit thing like that was his you're not gonna get laid sign. Eh, it's Cuban It was so funny dude Me and my opener were laughing the whole time and we do the thing where we do the ultimate dude shit where we were like egging him on but he didn't know it we're like oh yeah yeah yeah oh cool so it's like that oh so what else then my friend i did a bit on cubans when i did my

special incorrigible and this guy was like literally that guy that i was talking about man he did the fucking neck slit thing like come on dude if i said you go to miami you're gonna see a cuban do the neck slit thing you'd be like i'm not in a movie this guy did it dude it was so funny uh yeah but i forgot to talk about that last week uh and he was he was talking about how and then and then he was one of those guys where he was talking like that and then he was like he was 49 years old but he seemed like he was just like us like a kid i mean i'm not a kid but that's how i think i am in my head and then he told me he had kids and how he was telling his son this shit i was like go to like tell your fucking seven-year-old like about fucking you

know to be like my friend you gotta to call your son my friend first of all my my son friend listen you gotta get this pussy man but you're gonna do this man you gotta get this pussy, man. But you got to do this, man. You got to get this pussy, man. You got to be aggressive, man. You got to be. Oh, that's what he said. That's what he said, dude. He's like, you got to be smooth, man. You got to be smooth.

That's what he kept saying. You got to be smooth. You can't come right out. You can't come right out. You got to be smooth. He said it probably 40 times. And I was like, oh, so smooth, huh? Yeah, man, you got to be smooth, man.

Otherwise, the next lit thing cuban god damn um anyway dude woke up today and trying to live that montage lifestyle and i'm living that montage lifestyle and i'm i've been shooting alone together i was shooting alone dude let me tell you this other thing too i've been shooting alone together and I was shooting alone. Dude, let me tell you this other thing too. I've been shooting alone together and yesterday I had to, no, like two days ago, three days ago, I shot all day

and they put my character in a fucking knee brace so I get to just sit down and be in bed during my scenes. Oh, come on, dude. I made it. I'm in Hollywood, baby and I don't even have to enter scenes. I just got to lay down in bed and be in a wheelchair and have my girlfriend in the show, this hot chick, wheels me around.

I made it, babies. And I get to be on TV. I made it, dude. And I couldn't even get up to get out of the wheelchair because I had the neck brace on. It keeps your legs stiff as shit. So I'd be like, hey, man, can I get coffee? They'd go get it for me. Hedonistic lifestyle, dude. I've got new ideas for the cult. I'm like, Jesus, man. I used to think that Daniel Day-Lewis was so good in my left Foot? Fuck that, dude. Motherfucker got to relax for 14 hours a day. All he had to move was his left foot?

Sign me the fuck up, dude. What, are you going to do a few scenes where you cry and say shit like... Fuck off, man. He got the Oscar for that? He got nominated? Bro, fuck that. You know who should get nominated and win every year?

Tom Cruise because he never doesn't run in movies. That guy is the most fit guy ever because he's got to run all day in movies. You know what people think that making movies is like so exciting? It's literally the most boring thing in the world. Do you know how many scenes even if you're a lead, how

many scenes you're actually like doing actual acting? Think about how many little scenes are in movies where you walk into a fucking room and pick up a document and then or like see something. You know how long that takes to film that scene? Eight hours. If you're on Mission Impossible, that shit takes eight hours to film. You're walking into a room, picking up a document, and then fucking walking out of the room. That shit takes eight hours. No bullshit takes it definitely takes at least five you

want to be that motherfucker you know how many scenes where you're actually acting in a movie like mission impossible three and those scenes are not so there's three days where you're doing that and the shoot's fucking four months long. They split up that skyscraper scene where he's running across the shit. Dude, when you... Actors who do their own stunts, that shit kills me. Did we talk about this? Did I talk about this yet?

I did? Who the fuck would do their own stunts, man? That doesn't impress me at all. That makes me think you're a dingbat. Dude, get somebody else on the motorcycle. As a matter of fact, if I have to do anything but be in that wheelchair or lay in bed, get me a stunt double.

I don't give a fuck. Get me a stunt double. Oh, dude, what is he doing? Oh, he's got to enter a room? Get me a fucking stunt double. I don't want to fuck this up. Walking can be dangerous for real, but you know what I would never do? Get a naked body double. Some dudes get these naked body doubles or the chicks do too. No way. If you're going to see my ass or cock and movie, you're going to see that fucking real thing. You're going to see that

real thing, baby. Oh dude, I was was in i got my buddy a guest pass to um my gym and i got the via i got we were in the locker room and shit and i was like dude i'm gonna take a shower afterwards i'm just gonna rinse off and he was like all right cool i took all my clothes off and then i walked over to the shower he's like what are you doing you know my cock was out fucking slapping on the side when i walk my cock goes fucking pat pat pat pat on the side of my legs because Because it's fucking large as shit. It just goes pap, pap, pap, pap while I'm walking. I got to make sure to sometimes lift it up

so it doesn't drag on the ground. But it goes pap, pap, pap, pap, pap, pap on the side of my fucking thighs. And I'm walking. And he's like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? And I'm like, what? He's like, you're just going to walk around naked? I said, yo, bro, this is the locker room, man.

What am I going to do? Cover it with my hand? Dude, I cover my cock all of the time, all of the days. When I got to go to fucking AM, PM, I got to cover my cock. I get to be in one place in public where I don't cover my cock and I'm going to cover my cock. Fuck that, man. If you're behind me, you see my asshole. If you're in front of me, you see my cock and I don't cover it. I walk regular. I walk regular with my hands by my side sometimes i put my hands through my hair while i'm walking my hands are up bro cock all day long in front of me pat pat pat pat pat you hear it you see it dude you get the full experience this is fucking imax 3D in the locker room

if somebody looks at me I make fucking straight heterosexual eye contact with them I don't fuck around if they look at my cock I look back I go that's what happened baby that's what God gave me

I got that fucking pat pat pat cock I got that fucking pat, pat, pap cock. I got that pap cock, dude. I don't, you know, I'm not covering my cock in a locker room. I'm not covering my cock in a locker room, dude. That's like an Eminem lyric. Covering my cock in a locker room. Who covers the cock in a locker room? I'm not the kind of guy who covers his cock in his locker room. You gotta see my little penis and meanest and beanie penis. Covering my cock in a locker room.

Do not mix me up with a guy who covers his cock in a locker room. Dude, he rhymes everything, for real. None of that rhymes. Do not mix me up with a guy who covers his cock in his locker room. And everyone's like, whoa, how does he find everything that rhymes? He doesn't, dude. You never find a penis and meanness and teen-teeness and, a penis, a penis, a penis, Serena Williams. You take your penis, a penis, Serena Williams.

Serena Williams doesn't rhyme with penis. You know? Forrest Gump and an orange Trump you're like alright I guess who's done with Forrest Gump or an orange Trump but I tell you what I'm not is gonna cover my cock and I like my penis do you see my penis

like Serena Williams and dude and fucking 45 year old white dudes are like, that's fucking so good. How 45 years old is it to like Eminem and think he's the best rapper? I'm not dogging on Eminem, dude. The guy is one of the best rappers of all time. It's just so funny to think of a 45-year-old guy named, like, Derek. That's just like, oh, man, Eminem is the greatest rapper, right? Like, you know what that is? That's so La Cunada dad to think Eminem is the greatest. It's so dad from Pasadena to be like,

Eminem is great because he's a lyricist. Like, some of his stuff is poetry. Some of his stuff is poetry. You know a guy, a white guy who's 45 that has beige hair and wears Dockers has said that. A million guys like that have said that. Literally a million. I'm not really into his, when he's talking about penis and Serena Williams. But, you know, that cock in the locker room lyric. Mm-mm. That cock in the locker room Lyric Yeah but like you don't get to show your cock in public at all I'm walking around in the locker room With my fucking hands up I don't like I'm at a rap show

Put your hands up Put your hands up Put your hands up Like you in the locker room and you ain't got no pants on and you're crystal lit. Put your hands up. Put your hands up like you're in the locker room. Like you're crystal lit in the locker room.

I mean, it's bad. It's bad. It's bad. You gonna cut his head off? going to cut his head off? You're going to cut his head off? Yeah. It does surprise you, though, like with that Cuban guy.

It does surprise... I don't even know how I got to that locker room story, but it does surprise you, too, with the... It does surprise you sometimes when you hear of people how about when you know somebody for like months and then you find out they have kids or like you're like that person has kids like like i don't think he has kids but like a guy like jared leto like where you'd be like oh he has a kid and I didn't know? You know, guys like that.

I don't think he doesn't have a kid. But I was thinking about actually kids and having kids. I never knew if I wanted kids or not. Sometimes in my life, like I'd go through years where I was like, oh, I want a kid. I never knew if I wanted kids or not. Sometimes in my life, like I'd go through years where I was like, oh, I want a kid. And sometimes I'd be like, no, I don't want to have a kid because I love my life and that would only ruin it. I mean, everybody you talk to that has kids is like, don't have kids. Listen, you know that quote, people will show you who they are.

So let them. You know, that fucking stupidest shit quote um but yeah to have kids like some people want kids just because they want to have a baby you know and then that baby grows up and then they're just the worst mother ever or whatever. But then some people want kids because they want to see a little of them, you know? It's like a selfish fucking thing to have kids sometimes. Like, it really is. It's definitely irresponsible for the world to have a bunch of kids. I mean, some of these motherfuckers like Mormons, just like, hey, let's have 12. I got enough raspberry sauce for all of them.

But like 12, like 12 kids. What are you? Hey, if you have 12 kids, what are you doing? If you have fucking eight kids, what are you doing? Hey, if you have four kids, what are you doing? You know what? Have one or two kids. Have three kids, maybe, if you're so rich.

If you have four kids, go to fucking Antarctica. You have to live there. Congratulations. Have a colony there. And now everyone with over three kids has to live in Antarctica. You did it. You made your bed fucking lay in it. But you know,

you want to have a family. Fine. Why do people want kids? Women nurture, you know? So I get why they want to have kids, because they want to experience motherhood, but that's so weird. That's still selfish.

No matter what I go back to, it always feels selfish to have kids. Unless you just fucking nut in a girl by mistake, and she's like, I'm having it, and you're like, oh, cool, I don't believe in abortion, and I did fucking squirt bony inside you i did fucking inside you sorry let's have it see you in nine months

i don't know if i want to have kids to have imagine having a little you dude if you don't have kids imagine for a second actually having a little you you i know it's half you have someone else but you imagine it's you mostly and that like that's the other thing too like when like, when I have a kid, like, I'm so fucked up with my anxiety or whatever, my OCD, if I have a kid, like, I'm so specific, dude, you know me, you listen to my shit, you know how I am, you know, I don't fucking, these rules and shit that I'm joking about and all that, I'm kind of also serious a little bit, newsflash, I'm serious, Newsflash, I'm serious. You know?

But like to have a kid and have him be like having a little kid for me to have a little kid. He's like, no, I don't like to eat pasta with sauce on it because that's something else. I'll put the sauce on the side. I will have the pasta and I will dip as much sauce as i want on each bite if i had like a three-year-old that was saying that shit i'd be like oh for fuck's sake dude what am i gonna yell at him that's what i do in a way not that but you know when i go i get a brownie sundae i tell him to split all the shit up man i don't want you to do it. You give me the fucking things. I designate how much percentage of what goes in my mouth.

You think I'm fucking joking about that, dude? So I have a kid that's like, no, I don't want to wear shorts and long sleeve shirts because that doesn't make sense. And I'm like, but this is what you have the other shit's dirty it doesn't matter i don't wear that i wear shorts and short sleeves or long pants and long sleeves i'm gonna be like no i'm gonna get it i'm like ah for fuck's sake so now there's two of us that have to go by bullshit rules because i go by my rules and then i see my kid and i'm like well i gotta go by his rules too because i respect that fucking ocd lifestyle and then i have two three kids we all got rules literally i just got to be that fucking guy with the leg brace in bed not hey kids let's just not move all day get postmates and we won't have to obey any rules

okay dad four beds in one room me fucking no wife because she left way before way way after the fucking, each kid with a different girl because they got so fed up with all of us. After the kid came out and started talking, she's like, well, I can't deal with both of you motherfuckers. And then I got a new chick fucking inside of her and then got a new chick inside of her. Three kids, four beds, one big studio, one big studio apartment. Just like, kids! To wake up.

Good morning, gentlemen. Remember, let's not move at all. If anyone needs anything, I will do it. I've been dealing with this anxiety as long as longer than all of you put together. Okay, dad, we'll just stay here. Remember, stay here till 10 p.m. and then we'll go back to sleep. All we do is eat and shit out of the hole in the bed. Okay.

How do we pee? You take your pap cock and you just point it since we all have big cocks because i've got a big cock and i've passed that down to everybody except craig over on the left the heck in my cock is so small i don't know maybe your mom's dad's cock was small we were hoping it would skip a generation whatever i'll just piss up into the air your penis is craig your penis is not big enough and it sticks straight up because of it i'll just pee in the air dad okay put on netflix Tommy. Okay.

And then they get to be, and that's just what we do. That's how we do. Till one of the kids is just like, man, I don't like this lifestyle. I'm moving out. And then he gets out, fucking feels that sun.

What I want you got, and it might be hard to handle. Like flame burns a candle. And then some fucking homeless guy talks to him and spits on him and he thinks, I should never have left home. I got to go back home. I light shit and end the bed. Butters is looking at me like, you know what, man? I got two dogs. I'm going to do an ad break first.

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head to Tripping.com slash congrats today. That's T-R-I-P-P-I-N-G.com slash congrats. Tripping.com slash congrats. Tripping.com slash congrats. Square Cash. Look, if you haven't heard, we've switched to the Cash App. That's what we use. That's what we use with the cult. It's the simplest way to pay people back. Friends, family, babies, elders. Sending and receiving money is totally free and fast, and most payments can be deposited directly to your bank account in just a few seconds. The Cash app also lets you buy and sell Bitcoin instantly. Get your paycheck deposited right to the app, pull money out of the ATM with the free custom

cash card, or use it to spend anywhere you like. You're not going to find another more useful finance app out there. You're really not. Design your cards and tweet us a pic so we can see them. I've seen a few cool designs. Some of them are utterly horrible, but those are even better. Okay? People write cuda with the no,

put a barracuda with a no smoking sign in front of it or whatever that is. Like a no cuda zone. And of course, when you download the cash app, $5 goes to you and $5 goes to Time's Up, the legal defense fund. So not only is it free, you get $5 goes to you, and $5 goes to Time's Up, the legal defense fund. So not only is it free, you get $5 and you donate $5?

Come on, man. You're going to heaven just because of that. Download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. droid now i um my dogs look at i realized okay i have two dogs one is sam and one is butters hi guys sam looks at me like i like he's never fucked me and wants to fuck me so bad. That's what he looks at me like. Butters looks at me like I fuck him constantly. And he looks at me like he's like he doesn't want it, but he also does want it. Like he looks back at me a lot. Like Sam looks at me like this. If you're looking at the video podcast.

But Butters looks at me all the time like this like he's trina or some shit hey bubba's hi come here come here oh butters hi sam you're down there this is butters time i always you always fucking get some time dude holding butters video podcast time dude chill you like me how about when you hold your dog and they try to get away and you're like no no you like me my dogs ran away and then they came back that's the most fucking ridiculous thing ever that's like so me of a dog. But anyway. Yeah, so I don't know if I'm... But having a little me, like a kid,

wow. People adopt. That's definitely responsible. I wonder... I don't think I would ever adopt. I think I would... Well, not that I wouldn't adopt, but I think if I was going to have kids,

I would do it by coming in a girl and then having it nine months later. Is that the medical way to say that? You come in a girl. Doctor? Hello, excuse me, doctor? I'm going to have a baby. You think I should do the one where I adopt or I come in a girl and then she has it nine months later? Sir, you need to leave the waiting room. Oh, are you not the doctor?

I'm the receptionist. Okay. Can I make an appointment? No. No. Can you leave, sir? Yes, I'm sorry. You bring up one medical term. Oh my God, Butters. I didn't know. You know how long it took me to love my dogs? Years They were just dogs When people love dogs immediately

If you have a dog for six months And then it runs away And you cry I don't get it It takes me years to love a dog My last dog I mean don't get me wrong i love these dogs now dude oh my god i need them but my last dog hank i had him with my ex-wife when we split she moved out and this was 11 years ago or 10 years ago anyway i can't believe it's 10 fucking

years ago she left and left the dog with me because she was just kind of like gonna go do her own thing we separated and then i had hank and i i liked hank a lot he was a great dog he's still alive she's got him but um he's a great dog and he was a havanese which are like maybe my favorite breed. No offense, guys. For little dogs, at least one of my favorite, my favorite. And so he, through the breakup, I was with that dog all the time. I was spending it alone with him, which was the first time because it was usually me and her and him, me and her and him. And she left me, you know, I guess. And I was with the dog for a year. And I remember, I don't remember the month she left me, but I do remember

the 4th of July. I was sitting on my couch alone with my dog holding Hank, and I was watching fireworks on TV. And this was when I was going through my divorce and shit. And I felt so content that I had my dog and was just watching fireworks on TV. But it made me feel good that I had my dog and was just watching fireworks on TV. But it made me feel good that I had this dog. And I also realized that the dog helped me through the divorce. And it made me feel like a real person. And I realized how much I loved that dog in that moment

because I didn't really think about it until then. Because it was just a dog you know I'm like this guy that like doesn't let you know I don't I don't really think about it like that I don't like I don't you know like what I'm like what's love it's just when you fucking like somebody a lot right but I remember staring at that those fireworks and holding that dog and thinking, wow, it sucks that I'm going through this divorce, but there's kind of nowhere I'd rather be right now. And I'm, and, and I wouldn't want, I don't want to be out on 4th of July with anybody. I'm happy with my dog and I love my dog. And I started crying, uh, not like fucking bawling like Robert De Niro on the mission, but like just like a little bit. And and I was like but it was because I was like sad and happy I never been as sad and as equally equally as sad

and equally as happy uh as I was in that moment but it was fucking cool man um it was a nice moment in my life it was a it was a poignant moment in my life I remember when i got i remember when i got uh divorced i kind of like when i first got with my um ex her you know she like we um i when we were boyfriend and girlfriend I did uh I started doing stand-up and then um you know because I always wanted to do it and then it became my life it and it still is and it's my whole life is my stand-up and I've had relationships come and go because of my stand-up. I've had friendships deteriorate because I don't hang out with them anymore because I'm a stand-up, and I can't go to things like weddings because I have gigs in fucking Alabama and shit. And it's what I want to do, man.

And I do feel bad sometimes that I miss out on those things, but I won't not do it. I mean, I got to do stand-up. And so that's fine. You got to shake hands with who you are. But I remember my marriage was dissolving and I was getting divorced. And I think I was divorced at this point. Anyway, I got my first head.

How do I tell this story? I haven't told this story in a long time. So when I was with my ex-wife, we did a show. I was with Joe Coy. He brought his wife. I was opening for him.. He brought his wife. I was opening for him and we were in Miami and we had like a little vacation slash hanging out in Miami doing shows and also like hung out. And then after that, we got our marriage dissolved or whatever. And then I got my first like real

headlining gig. It was for a college. It was for Miami University, University of Miami. I don't know what they call it, but which I recently played again on my birthday last week. But I played this. I got it. I got they were going to pay me a little bit of money to fly down. I brought an opener with me and I did this, this school. I performed at the school. the school. I performed at the school.

And I was getting divorced and I was walking. We just took a walk after the show, me and my opener. And as we were walking to down the street, I look up and we're literally standing right in front

of the hotel that I stayed in with my ex-wife. And I was like, wow, how crazy is this that I didn't know I was here, but I look up and here I am. This is where we stayed. I remember staying with her whatever it was like three years ago. And now I don't have this marriage anymore. And a lot of it is because of the stand-up and because of the selfishness I had

because I needed to do stand-up when I should have probably been doing the marriage, right? And I looked up and I thought, this is one of those was-it-all-worth-it moments, you know? Like, this is almost the end of the movie where you're looking at it and you're like, man, I gave one thing up for another thing, literally. And here I am back where I was location wise when I had that last thing. And now I have this new thing. Was it all worth it? I remember clearly thinking,

was this all worth it? Giving up my marriage and basically embarking on this stand-up career. And the answer was hard to come up with. But the answer is a little bit. That's the answer. That's the answer. That's the answer. Is, yeah, it was a little bit worth it. Now, now, if I go there, I would say, oh, 100%. Wildly worth it. Because I have what I have. I've built this whole, you know, life.

But in three years, it was a little bit worth it I got to do my first headlining gig and it was it was it was it was one of those moments like I was sitting with the dog where I was like oh wow I'm I'm equally as happy as I am sad but I was a little bit happier than I was sad because I was like I'm a professional comedian now and I did it and my marriage failed, but I was able to do and succeed in what I wanted to do. And now I've obviously gone way beyond that. This was eight, nine years ago. I've achieved much more.

So the answer is way more than a little bit now. I mean, I'm fucking happy as shit. I love my life. You know, and you don't hear too many people say that. So I'm fortunate, man. And I got two new dogs. I got my fucking two little buddies. And Hank is still out there.

He's with his new little family. It's sad when you say it like that, but it's cool because I know that that was better for him anyway Because I was What do you call it On the road all the time and shit I don't know he would have been dead For sure if I watched him And he was always shitting in my apartment

Dude I had a corner of The apartment where he would just go and shit I had a doggy door He was like oh that's cute I don't a doggy door. He was like, he was like, oh, that's cute. I don't use doggy doors. Catch you later. In the corner. The carpet was so rough

because he would piss there too. Oh, so awful, dude. I mean, I sold the place. I had to recarpet the whole thing. Actually, I didn't sell the place. I have the place. I rented out. I'm a fucking property owner, dude.

Do you know who you're fucking with, man? I got places. I don't know why I started talking about my fucking life ten years ago. Sorry for boring the shit out of you without comedy. But

the first half was good. It was fun. Hey guys, guess what? I'm sweating like a motherfucker. Let's do some Twitter questions, dude. It was fun. Hey, guys, guess what? I'm sweating like a motherfucker. Let's do some Twitter questions, dude. I got funny. I got serious. Dude, we're practically in the log cabin. You're a part of this cult, and you're...

I know you can do any cult you want. You don't have to be in a cult. It's free conch, but you're in this one so welcome you're you're accepted you're accepted almost threw up when i said that very cool don't know why it happened um okay this is not cuda but people don't know what CUDA means. I keep telling you. Brock Chrisman. J.B. Chrisman, 22 or some shit. That's too many. He writes, Chris Alia, an even more CUDA thing I heard. This is not a CUDA thing. He's got the wrong meaning of CUDA.

But people call McDonald's, because we're talking about calling McDonald's Mickey D's, call McDonald's growing up Ronnie Mac's Steakhouse. Dude, I'm not just someone saying, hey, you want to go to Ronnie Mac's Steakhouse? Let's go. And you're like, yeah, cool, whatever. And you go there and they bring you to McDonald's. You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? You said it was Ronnie Mac.

Oh, that's how that goes. You'd be like, you said it was Ronnie Mac. Oh, I get it. Ronnie Mac's Steakhouse. Like, don't use... I don't like when they call things... You know I don't like when they call things new things to be cute. You know what else I don't like?

Here's the other thing. How about when fucking apartment complexes aren't called just like 6428 Wilshire. They're called like, yeah, I live at the Camden. What? Go fuck yourself. You're an apartment complex. You're not a fucking event. You're not a Ronnie Mac Steakhouse. That's what i'm gonna call my house hey let's

meet at ronnie max steakhouse where is it oh yeah it's this address oh what um now go the other one was the last one that one uh at talia when men name their son after themselves so first of all so drunk it says it seems so pompous to me it's so drunk when men name their sons after themselves it seems so pompous to me she means it seems so pompous to me in your wise opinion which it won't be wise is it cock to name your child after yourself? Well, dude, that's the definition of scock. Hey, my name's Chris. I'm going to name a son Chris. And guess what we're going to do? Make it confusing at the household.

But by the way, besides that, doesn't matter because I'm the shit. Scock. I don't care how confused everybody is. I'm me and I want them to be me too. Scock. That's by Lindsay Stove, which is a be me too. It's a cock. That's by Lindsey Stove,

which is a crazy last name, at Lindsey Stove. She got it. It is pompous and I don't like it and I would never name my kid Chris. However, George Foreman named all his sons George, baller. If you're going to do one kid, do them all.

Dude, George Foreman is the man for that. Hey, George, how do I get my invention going? Try invent him. A lot of my friends say, hey, George. Whatever that commercial is, invent help commercial, every time I'm on the road. Try invent here. It's invent help. They had to put it on the screen while he was saying it, of course, because he says, invent here. Say it right. You know, they were like, George, George, George. And one of his sons was like, yeah. And they're like, no, not you.

George, can you say invent help? And he says, yeah. A lot of my friends ask me, hey, George, how do I get my idea off the ground? And I say, try invent here. Oh, God. Okay, I'll talk to him. Excuse me.

Hey, George. His other son. Yeah. No, not you. George, first of all, why are you bringing all your sons to set? But can you not say invent here and say invent help? And then one of his other sons says, sure. He says, no, no, no.

I'm not talking to you. I'm actually talking to your father. God damn it. Can you guys, can all of you guys kind of go into the other room while I talk to this one, George? Me? No. You're the fourth son. God damn it.

I'm trying to talk to your father. Get everybody, excuse me, the AD is named George too, and he's not even in the family. Excuse me, George, come over here. Yeah? No, not you. God damn it. You know what? This is getting very confusing.

You stay there behind the camera. George? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah no god why did you bring all your sons you george you george the george form in the first one stay there i'm not talking to you you know what just fucking say yeah i don't care just can you i'm gonna call you ad because i it's really we shouldn't have hired you because i didn't know he's gonna bring all of his sons go into the other room bring everyone else with the same name in the other room not please say invent help okay then he just does it worse lot and action a lot of my friends say hey george how do i get my idea off the ground? And I say, try in-vink-he-a. Okay, cut. We got it. We'll do it.

Fine. It's fine. Fuck it. He's not doing it. He's saying in-vink-he-a. He's making it sound Asian. In-vink-he-a. But that's some baller shit.

George, and the fact that it's george is the shit too like he's some like asian guy that moved from korea to america that's like oh they they still use those names that's dude how it's so funny i think i've talked about this on the podcast but like how asian like i went to lockinging Out. It was such a popular Asian like community. It was half Asians. And they would have names like Henry because they thought that's what like their parents thought that that's what like people were named when it's like nobody's. It'd be like Gregory, you know? You know? And girls' names would be Grace.

Or like fucking Mary. You know? Like whose name is Mary? That was, to me that's like, that was like the first name. Oh, it's so, it was so, like Henry was such an Asian name. And George.

George, dude. What? Another one? Let me see. Okay, here we go. Sabrina, at Gangsta Brunch, change it. That's the one that, yeah, I know her.

I think I met her in Ohio. I have a degree in screenwriting, and although I no longer work in the industry, I've decided to write your Japanese man action fig feature i've never been more serious in my life all right i mean do it it's probably gonna be real bad you know you gotta put a demon in it like she said that's a follow-up i will put a demon in it yeah i'll do Oh, this is good. Sherry at Fooley underscore Wooley too. Well, I mean, I'm not even going to say it. Well, I got to change it. Fooley Wooley too. Someone had Fooley Wooley one, you know.

How bitch is it? And in quotes, and S white to blow on your food before eating it. Yeah. Even if more, she writes even more. So if you're at a restaurant yeah it is pretty white it is pretty white i feel like if you're japanese you just put that fucking thing in your mouth and no matter how hot it is and you deal with it you put in your mouth it's racist oh i, I've talked about this. This is a quote. Goon King at, what does that say?

Sheridan King. Dude, nobody fucking cares if you take a break from social media. Shut the fuck up. You don't have fans. You don't got to update us. You're just a person, okay? Yeah, I either tweeted that before or something like that or said it on the podcast. Yeah, dude.

I think I said it on the podcast. Who gives a fuck? You don't have to talk about taking a break. See ya. Oh, no. You know what I talked about on the podcast? Sorry I haven't posted in a while. What?

Oh, was it? No. When somebody says, sorry I haven't posted in a while, guys, but you don't have to. That's what I was talking about. You don't have to apologize for's what I was talking about. You don't apologize for not posting. Who gives a fuck? I'll go back and look at your last posts. Mostly, it's just the girls taking pictures of their ass where they're turned around anyway.

Sorry, I haven't posted pictures of my backside. Oh, really? You fart out of that. Hey, thank you thank you know what that's what here's here's a call to action for for babies pick girls who post pictures of their ass on instagram go under and comment oh cool you fart out of that exclamation point or hey wait a minute you fart out of that exclamation point or hey wait a minute you fart out of that exclamation point or thanks for posting the picture thanks for posting a picture of the thing you fart out of exclamation point you got to put the exclamation point on it and hashtag congratulations pod that's your call to action.

All right. We got an elder, you said? All right. Juan Fire coming through with the elder. New elders. And we were just talking about this person. Gracely Marin Dragonetti. Jesus Christ.

What is she, a superhero? That's her name? Gracely Marin Dragonetti. And Sabrina Taylor, who was just Gangsta Brunch. Sabrina Taylor. Admin. This is why. They're administrator and moderator.

Admin and moderator of the Congratulations Facebook group, which has like 500 members in it now. I don't know what it is. But there's a quiz you have to take to get in it. So I think a lot of people don't know the questions. I'm not sure if they both started the group or what, but since they're both on the masthead, they're now both elders. So we'll get you your information on Twitter. We'll DM it to you and all that. And thanks for the upkeep with the page. I'm a member of it, and I check it on – I see it on Facebook.

It always pops up, and it's pretty funny. And it it's cool and you guys share a lot of stuff on there and uh it's it's nice there's a community for it uh for for all of the for the cult it's nice that there's a community for a cult um anyway uh that's about it i got uh uh i don't have any of the the other last page of the thing but uh do i have to do i do i have any of the other last page of the thing. But do I have to do the thing? Oh, I do. Whoops. Square Cash.

If you haven't heard... Wait, we already had that. Oh, here we go. Download the free Cash app for iOS or Android now. That was the only one I had. Yeah, okay. I was so nervous one fire goes okay well it's not but hold on uh one fire handing me this one dude i was in his backpack

check out this week's... Wait, really? Blue Apron? This fucking... Dude! OneFire in full effect goes... Oh, no. Sorry. Just the next one. Square Cash. Have you switched yet?

Download the free Square Cash app. Enter rewards code. Congrats and get $5. And give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now. And you know what? Why not? I still love Blue Apron. So go ahead and get five dollars and give five dollars to times up get it for ios or android now and you know what why not i still love blue aprons so go ahead and get that fucking guy uh follow the leader bite look he thinks he's gonna make up for it too because he made a little nice little square thing around my dates that doesn't fucking make it better dude it's the first time i put the square

thing around my dates to make it easier to read. Not fucking cool. First leg, second leg. First of all, he didn't put the fucking two square legs. He didn't split up the legs. Dude, this guy, you know what? He tries to even fucking do something nice. He didn't split up the legs. He put some of the fucking second leg with the first leg column. Anyway, Pittsburgh, Dayton, Huntsville, Nashville, Denver, Boise, Eugene, Oregon, Sacramento, Sacramento Red Bank Wilmington Reading

I don't know if it's Reading or Reading Reading, Pennsylvania Tulsa Midwest City Dallas Portland Hampton Beach Mashantucket

Houston Wichita Kansas City Lincoln Reno Las Vegas And we're also adding more cities to the third leg. There's too many cities, but that's my job.

Don't worry about it. That's my job. Just get your tickets and attend a cult meeting. Subscribe to the third leg. It's too many cities, but that's my job. Don't worry about it. That's my job. Just get your tickets and attend a cult meeting. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Download the Crystalia app for iOS or Android, and you can see the podcast before it goes up.

Rate and review the show, please. It really helps out if you do that on iTunes. That helps. Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, and that's it.

Thanks for listening. And remember, if you got that pap cock, just try to live that montage lifestyle. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucking Bob. You're a fucking father. Congratulations. Congratulations. Oh, fucker. Congratulations, motherfucker. Fuck you.

You're a fucking fucker. Motherfucker right in the motherfucking mouth, motherfucker.