Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 68. Chudune

Episode Date: May 14, 2018

It's the 68th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about DJ Khaled and his son Asahd. Also discussed: Mother's Day social media posts, the song Green Onions, Infinity Wars, Justice League, straight jackets, and we name an elder. Brought to you by Audible. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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One more episode, and we're into sucking dick eating, you know, what? 69 thing, dude. I don't like to say eating dude i don't like to say eating i don't like to say that it makes me feel gross it makes i try to be respectable here i know i have mormon listeners and sucking dick is something that sounds kind of more just colloquial to me. Do you know what I'm saying? One time I had sex with my girlfriend, like this was probably 15 years ago. And afterwards I went, oh man. And she brought it up later and she was like, why did you say, oh man, and thought I was gay, actually.

And that's a real thing. And I had an actual conversation with her about how, don't worry, I'm not gay and I'm not living a lie. And I just said, oh, man, because it was a colloquialism. Also, how about colloquialism the word? Change it. Anyway, sorry to start off like that. change it. Anyway, sorry to start off like that. But I actually, I don't like when radio hosts and podcast guys do this, but I'm going to do it because I don't like how they do it. Guys, let's get some business out of the way first. Oh, I hate it, dude. You don't have a, you barely have a job, all right? You're talking into a microphone. You're not on Wall Street. Let's

get some business out of the way. You know what? Let's get some business out of the way first. business out of the way you know what let's get some business out of the way first um but i am telling you that my um uh third the third leg to the follow the leader tour my follow the leader tour um uh you can you can get it was announced today and you can buy tickets on i believe friday they all go on sale or something like that. And these are the cities that I'm coming to. And don't be pissed off when I don't say Chicago or Toronto because they're coming. All right. It's better than coming. I'm coming in the day. I'm coming in the night. So here are here's the third leg. Ottawa, Ontario, London, Ontario, Buffalo, New York, for some reason, Burlington, Vermont, for some reason Burlington Vermont for some reason

Philadelphia Pennsylvania Washington DC New York New York Montclair New Jersey I would say for some reason there but I'm actually from there Portland Oregon Snoqualmie Washington for some reason they told me it's basically Seattle I'm sure they're lying when I get there. I'm going to be pissed off. Vancouver, BC, Miami, Florida, West Palm Beach, Florida, Jacksonville, Florida for some reason, Atlanta, Georgia, Los Angeles, California, San Francisco, California, Boston, Massachusetts, Fresno, California for some reason, Bakersfield, California for some reason, Austin, Texas, and San Antonio, Texas. Now, if I said for some reason after your city, it's probably a bad place to be. However, we're going to find out. I'm going to get there, and we're going to find out. I've been to Buffalo, and let me tell you something about Buffalo.

It sucks donkey balls. I've been there when it's in February. Now, let me tell you straight up. It sucks donkey balls. Now, that's okay. You can live there, and you can have a really great time, and you can live and have a family and work. But now, does it suck donkey balls? Yeah, it sucks donkey balls.

But that's fine. Now, this is okay. Look, the donkey this is, okay. Look, donkey balls in there. As my manager would say, you're going to Buffalo, New York. Now, look, there's donkey balls in there, okay? So, yeah, I'm going to be at the Sonolo Qualimese Casino in Seattle. Whatever it is, change it. And I know it's Indian, but change it.

So, but yeah, I'm on the app here, streaming live on my app right here. So you babies are looking at me over here on the app, and I'm going to fucking be the first 10 minutes doing it here. So anyway, it's week 68 here in the congratulations. We're here in the congratulations studios. And here we are. And so let's see. What happened this week?

Let me break it down. It's time for the Chris breakdown. Oh, I also want to point out we've never missed a show for you babies. That's how dedicated this fucking cult leader is. We have never missed a show. Even when I couldn't do it, I made it happen, dude. And that's because of my strength and my tenacity. I'm like a fucking rose that grew through the concrete, dude. That's like that Tupac poem. He did poetry too. But yeah, 68 weeks

straight and it's on, dude. And that's why the numbers are doing way... We really grew a lot over these past few weeks, man. These numbers are getting higher and higher um and so that's it uh so so i went to the actually you know what let me start off the show like this i went to i was in i was at the comedy store last night it was first of all no let me start off like this it was mother's day okay now god bless the moms every time I see a mom walking down the street or walking into a Target or whatever the fuck moms do with their baby and they're pushing a stroller and they're holding another baby and they're like, come on, come on, come on, Constance, come here, go in, come here, get away from that. Or the baby is like, and the other baby's crying and they're like, Jeffrey, come on, walk ahead of me. I need to see you. I always think like, wow, God bless. And I'm not even, I'm not even, um, an Italian. I am Italian, but I'm not even like a religious

Italian guy who sees stuff and it goes like this. God bless. But that's what I'm thinking though. I turn into an Italian religious Catholic guy. And every time I see a lady with two kids, I think, God bless my own. That's what I think. I think God bless. Oh boy. Hey, nothing better than, Hey, nothing harder. Hey, there's no harder job in the world than being a mother, right? No harder job in the world than being a mother. Well, it depends on what kind of mother you are, really, to be brutally honest, okay? Yeah, sure. Are you a poor mom that has three kids and no help? Probably no harder job. You're a rich mom in Beverly Hills with one kid and you got three nannies and your husband is a fucking billionaire? Try laying concrete.

and your husband is a fucking billionaire, try laying concrete. Right? It's not as hard, is it? Being a frontline war soldier. It's a little bit harder. Because you know what? If you've got one kid and seven nannies and you live in B-Hells, now I don't call Beverly Hills a lot, but when I'm in the moment,

I call it a lot be hells now if you're in be hells and you got a fucking baby and seven nannies and you're in a fucking mansion and your husband is some fucking uh fake um uh what do they call the guys who do the Tim Tom Robin Tim Robbins what do they call that guys who do the... Tim Robbins. What do they call that guy? Motivational. And your husband is some fake-ass motivational speaker. Then you know what, dude? Try to land some fucking concrete.

Try working outside for a day. Clean brush. You know what I mean? Clean some brush. It's not as hard. What are you fucking, what did you make your kid a sandwich one day? No, you didn't. The nanny did it.

But God bless. When I see a poor mom with no help with three kids, God bless. Marron. And I'm doing it like this too. Fucking marron, huh? Like I'm holding a little baby mouse. Fucking marron. And I'm doing it like this too. Fucking marron, huh? Like I'm holding a little baby mouse. Fucking marron. And you're looking at the mouse and you're going, marron.

Hey, you guys. Holding one baby mouse with two fucking hands. Marron. Marron. So that's that um that's that with the uh with the uh what do you call it uh a mother's day thing yeah being a mom is the hardest job in the world unless you're one of those fucking moms that's you know what i mean you know what i'm talking about in big hells with seven nannies uh but mother's day you know what a lot of these hallmark uh holidays and even not the not just the hallmark well isn't it's almost

like every every uh holidays a hallmark holiday now I mean it's not but anyway so just talking out of my ass but I put up a post the other day on Instagram actually I tweeted it and I wrote and this was you know it annoys it it annoys me

and that's that it fucking annoys me I wrote oh dude that. It fucking annoys me. I wrote, oh dude, Ivan Getridov has his chime on. Ivan Getridov. Fucking Mournfire and Ivan Getridov. I wrote, why does it annoy me so much

when people gush about their parents on social media on Mother's Father's Day? Why do you have to share that shit with everyone who straight up doesn't give a fuck? It should be about you and your family

and that's it, you insane lunatics i i believe that um oh one fire headed up on the prompter sorry i believe that uh social media is definitely exposing people's mental illness like like like they say if you the more selfies you, the more likely you'll be a psychopath narcissist. And that's definitely true. But it's like, dude, when you take, like, here's the deal. There are ways to do it, right? Like I think my brother posted a thing about my mom. Like, I love my mom.

Happy Mother's Day. That's fine. But if you're like, this is me and my mom. I couldn't have done anything. We know, dude. We know. know also here's the other thing if you're gonna put it on facebook for your friends and your family that's cool people probably give a fuck about that but when somebody posts some shit about their mom like dude if you were like sorry i love my mom then love your fucking mom love your mom that's not what you're doing when you post an Instagram post about you and your mom and about how

she shaped you to be the person you are. Egotistical. You're making it about you. And I got one question for you. Chew doing. Chew doing.

As a matter of fact, let me shorten the question for you. Chew dune. As a matter of fact, let me shorten the question for you. Chew dune. C-H-U-D-U-N-E. Chew dune. You're doing it. You're making it about you. It's not about your mom.

It's about you. You fucking dumb. And people are like, what did they write? Maybe they don't care if most people don't care maybe they just want to share the love they have with another family or close friends to who can all access and see the content i don't man i don't know man why should it matter what someone else posts on their personal social media accounts hey it's it's you're it's not really a personal social media account. That's a fucking oxymoron. Social media is social media.

It's not personal about it. See ya. Also, it's one of those things that you do. Oh, this is the best one. When people write, every time I post something on Twitter, somebody tweets me, who hurt you? Shut up. Oh, you're so fucking original, huh? Oh, I mean, everybody fucking hurt.

That's what you just heard somebody do that. Now you're a who hurt you. No matter what a comedian writes, who hurt you? We'll be like, what's the deal with cell phones? Who hurt you? Hey, how come, what's the deal with cell phones? Who hurt you? Hey, how come fucking what's going on in the government? Who hurt you? Get out of here with the who hurt you shit.

That's almost as annoying. That's one of those. That's up there with how annoying it is. You know what the who knew who hurt you is for me? Chew dune. Chew dune. Chew dune. The fuck out of here, dude.

What are you doing? I would venture to say anyone with a long post on a Mother's Day thing or a Father's Day thing is a really broken person. Maybe not really, but is a broken person that That. Maybe not really. But is a broken person. That's had a lot of heartache. And as a matter of fact. Who hurt you dude. That you got to post some bullshit.

On Instagram. About your mom. And about how much you love your mommy. You love how much. You love your mommy. Go tell your mommy you love her. Don't post it on Instagram. Most mommies don't even have that shit.

But that shit robbed me up because people are like, oh, you know, why don't you just let them? Yeah, I know, man. I'm not stalling. Do what you want. But come on, dude. Act accordingly.

These fucking lunatics. They're lunatics, dude. They're fucking lunatics. They're lunatics, dude. They're fucking lunatics. If you post about your mom on Mother's Day, you're a fucking basically a lunatic is what I'm saying. You're a fucking, get a straight jacket. Tie your hands behind your fucking, how many music videos are there

where the lead singer is in a straight jacket? Because they think it's like, I'm crazy. I can't get you out of my hand how many music videos are there where the fucking band members are in strange uh straight jackets i want to do a special in a straight jacket and just have the microphone standing in and then i wouldn't be able to do it and they break out in the middle you know i mean dude i'm just gonna say some artists that definitely have some straight jacket videos. Britney Spears, definitely NSYNC, no doubt. Oh, probably no doubt.

I just said no doubt and didn't mean the band, no doubt, but definitely no doubt. You know who definitely has it? Like a band like Dig or like what's that that one uh oh the band fuel for sure has one oh you know who definitely has one um uh who's that what's that what's that fucking band matchbox 20 oh they definitely got one eminem no there's no question eminem i mean i i think I'm thinking of one that he does. Oh, for sure. A lot of women do it with also the eyeliner being dripping down their fucking cheeks. Like they got like that's so stupid, right?

Because like if you have the straight jacket on, you don't have makeup. Who applied the makeup? Who fucking applied the makeup? You did it? No, your hands are behind your fucking backs. Who applied it? The fucking doctor? The nurse giving you your medication?

She's trying to make you look pretty for what? Another girl that's shitting herself in your cell? No. Dude, keep it 100, dude. You in a straight straight jacket you don't have makeup on so nothing's fucking tearing this is the shit this is the platform that i want to run on for real and people are like oh you're just being silly you're not talking these are the real issues in the world man if you're doing a music video in a straight jacket take the fucking makeup off and that's the important shit dude i get it this is america and and and donald glover

made a really important thing and and it's you know he's telling you how the black experience it is how the black experience is in america but i'm telling you dude if you're having a straight jacket in a music video and you got a fucking mascara running down your cheeks, I'm not listening to it. How about that, dude? How about that? There's rules, man. Make it the Matrix, dude. If you make the Matrix,

make all of the things that happen in the Matrix adhere to the fucking world and the rules of the Matrix. That's why that movie is so fucking good. And I say this on the podcast, but don't make fucking shit. Don't make it, you know. Oh, but I want to look good, so you put the makeup on, even though the straitjacket's on. Now that's a fart noise for you.

We all know what that means. I feel like we lost probably so many listeners after that, but you know what? It doesn't, you know, it doesn't matter. I don't want the fucking people following me that truly don't want to follow me. And I'm not going to know if you don't,

you're not going to know if you don't want to follow me. If I don't tell you everything I've ever thought, I lost a lot of people after I posted that mother's day thing. They've unfollowed me. And I go what is this one oh man I don't know the fucking I mean so many songs go like this what's the no that's live what's that song that goes hey hey hey

goodbye what's that song this is what i did that's what i did when i posted that and you unfollow me see ya you know what i wish i could do for real anybody who unfollows me ever once i wish i could block them that's what I wish I could do? For real. Anybody who unfollows me ever once, I wish I could block them. That's what I wish. Everybody who ever unfollowed me on social media that thought, oh, fuck him. No, not this time. I wish I could block him. You made your bed.

Lay in it. And then this is me chilling out. Just getting a fucking BJ on a bench outside. I mean, start this song, dude. How about when fucking you go to listen to a song and there's like i don't want to hear this why do i want to hear this what is this oh this is some shit called sports warrior where this is just it who sings that that song? What? We can't find it? One Fire can't even find it?

Stained? Steam? Oh. Nice, dude. Stained. I would have liked to see that version. That's what I think. Getting a BJ on a bench watching the sun go down At a park People unfollowing me I'm looking at my phone just blocking them all Getting sucked

Just with this beautiful music on And it's toothy. It's not even good. But it's cool. It doesn't matter because another day is coming. The sun is going down. Maybe the next day, the next BJ will be better. Just on the same bench.

People are just... I have an assistant doing it. I have an old guy. You know who it is? It's a Michael Caine character. I'm just like, I don't want to block all these people. And he's just like, I'll throw it. And then I hand him my phone while I'm getting sucked by

a toothy book and just... And I'm like, ow, ow, because it's toothy. But I don't give a fuck because the next day is coming and he's blocking everybody that unfollows me because of my Mother's Day post. How about fucking old songs, you know? Like what?

Like I used to think of it like Kanye. Whoop-de-dee-poop-toop-scoop. And then what the fuck was... I like beans and jam. I like peanut butter. What the fuck was that one? That shit's just... That's just as crazy.

Or how about... Whoop-ba-ba-loo-bop. Whoop-bam-boom. Oh, same thing. Tootie-fuity, ah, ah. And girls were dancing like this with their fucking dresses, you know? Or during the time that would, where this song was popular. During the time where this song was popular.

Oh, fuck. I can't even do it. I'm laughing. This fucking bitch-ass song. This one that goes like this. Fucking for fuck's sake. I can't even do it. I hate this fucking bitch-ass song.

Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. can't even do it i hate this fucking bitch ass song oh fuck oh shit uh for fuck's sake in the 20s everybody's fucking stupid hair was all slicked back and shit and the women were dancing like this it would go just fucking fuck the trumpet you know why it sounds like farts sounds like farts songs called you know what that song's called green onions say yeah there's no words in it you're not allowed to call a song green onions unless you sing green onions. That's what it should go. Green onions. Green onions. Green.

Here. Ah, this is the most fucking movie song in the 1920s, 30s. 1962. So wrong. Oh, this is when this version was made. I don't know. Back when I was in... I mean, just think, like, listen to this.

Look, look, look. Here's what the movie would be. There she was. Mary McAllen. I've never seen hair like that. Eyes. Lips. Gate.

That dame was kicking. Me and Tony, yeah, we fought over her. But only with words. We weren't tough guys. Not like the guys she liked mary mcgowan there's veto over there veto is the guy we called him we called him veto we called him veto double talk because he'd say everything twice. Hey, Vito. Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Isn't that in... That's in fucking... What's that Scorsese movie? Anyway, Vito would usually go... At these functions, Vito would go into the principal's office at school because nobody was there and jerk off on the principal's desk. That was his bag, and we weren't faulting him for it. Anyway, Mary McCallan's ass looked like two pumpkins tightly squeezed together

in a fucking... in some... in some fucking... Goddamn, fuck that song. Ah, fuck, man. It makes me laugh, dude. Ah, shit. I guess it was the 60s when they would have that shit there was never a movie that took place in the 60s

that would that wouldn't have that song in it it could be a fucking movie about like literally Sweden in 1960s and it would be like there she was there she was there she was

such a beautiful girl couldn't believe the blonde of her hair it was just like the blonde of the sun anyway her name was what's the Swedish name no female Her name was... What's a Swedish name?

Oh, female. Click it. It says female right there. Her name was Agnes. Agnes McCallum. Her name was Her name was I couldn't gather the mask or the chutzpah to talk to her.

Oh, man. Me and the other friend of mine were such pussies. Go to the men names. We're such pussies. Me and Hugo. We were such pussies. We were afraid. We were afraid. We were afraid of her blonde hair.

We only saw that on the sun. Anyway, at these functions that would happen, we would get so close to Ebba. And it would be happening in Gothenburg. Anyway. Screw the man name. Anyway. That was when... Anyway... Screw the man name. Anyway... That was when...

She wasn't into guys like us. She was more into guys named Liam. She was more into Liam. There he was. There Liam was. Liam was annoying. He would say everything twice. Hi, Liam. Hello. Hello. Hello. Anyway, Liam was a bad guy guy he would go into the tutors

he would go into the head tutors they always call him something different you know he would go into the head tutors place of business and go jerk off on his desk that was his bag anyway god why do i sweat so much harder when i'm doing bits than when i'm not because i'm laughing i think it's because i'm laughing all right look um me undies you've definitely heard me talk about me undies you know the fun comfy undies that feel as good as they look to those of you haven't tried them yet listen up dude okay you can get incredible underwear sent to your door with me undies you don't have to hunt around

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slash congrats or text congrats to 500 500 square cash as always we're brought to you by the cash app it's the simplest way to pay people back friends family babies mary mccallan sending and receiving money is totally free and fast and most payments can be deposited directly into your bank account in just a few seconds we've teamed up with the cash app to offer you something very special this week we're giving away one thousand dollars to the most loyal babies that do the following go to at cash app on Instagram and leave your cash tag, aka your unique Cash App username, in the comments of their most recent post. Then I'll pick 10 different babies to send $100 to

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That was when we saw... Ebba McCallum. Her legs look like something that is imported or exported in Sweden, but I don't know because I'm not that smart. But that's what it would be in the movie. Her legs look like two long skis that we would take to the Alps. So dumb, you know? I'm an idiot. i'm an idiot i'm an idiot i'm an idiot i started watching that uh documentary um evil genius oh man it's fucked it's on Netflix. The Duplass brothers did it.

I just saw the first episode. It's fucking, I mean, I'm hooked already. I saw the first 10 minutes. I was hooked. Just watch the first 10 minutes. You're hooked. You watch the first 10 minutes. You're hooked.

I saw on Instagram. Let me, let me just tell, let me just. So DJ Khaled, DJ Khaled is this producer, he's a master at branding himself, his songs, I bump my head to a lot of them, you know, not bump my head, that would be, I mean, I hit my head, but you know what I mean, so I, yeah, do you bump your head to it? But, but, DJ Khaled is obviously,

you know, I mean, I don't know even what to say about him anymore, really. But I saw on Instagram, he, he was shopping for his kid who's a one year old

and bought him a $34,000 Rolex the kid now I get you're doing shit to be outlandish and for views and counts and that leads to more money in your pocket and I get it another one but if that kid doesn't grow up to

be and i mean this the biggest asshole in the world i'll be fucking shocked i mean you're doing that your kid man i don't have any kids i don't know what it's like to be a dad but this kid's like and he's like look at that look at that look at that anything for my son how much is it and she says thirty four thousand dollars and he says i'm gonna buy this for my one-year-old's birthday and the kid's like and they're like asad look. And the kid's like, and they're like, Assad, look. And they put it on his wrist and they're like, look, Assad, look how nice he looks. And Assad's like this.

I did shit and I did a poopy. I did a poopy in my pants. I'm going to grow up and think that everything is going to be easy. I'll get my heart broken and then kill that woman. I'll get my heart broken. A girl will break up with me and then I will just kill her. A dead poopy. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. I did poopy.

Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, there I was. I was at the first... I was at my first dance. And right now, I'm 14. There I was. I was at the first. I was at my first dance. And right now I'm 14. There she was. There she was.

My first girl that I ever seen. Hopefully she likes my watch. I'm going to go talk to her. Because I know she will like me because... Because I've never been denied anything. Hey, bitch. There she was. I didn't know her name, but she's a bitch. Bitch. Hey, woman who's less than a man.

Do you want to dance? Ew, no. What? Killed her. I'm pissing on her body. Uh-oh, here comes the principal. He probably mad at me for jerking off on his desk. Hey, did you just kill that?

I'm pissing on the principal. Anyway, going to go home now. Going home. Oh, fuck. Hey, Dad. What's going on, Assad?

Guess what? Killed two people today. Anything for my son. Going to bed. Oh, my God. How many times you shit your pants today 45 times anything for my son don't wipe it up i'm gonna use it to season our food oh fuck i mean how do you buy your fucking one year old

how do you buy your one year old-old a 30 either a 34 000 rolex for what for what dude oh i love how he's an executive producer on all of the albums you know what do you think of this song cool we'll add it What do you think of this song? Nice, that'll be track six. Hey, Asad, what do you think of this one? All right, let's make it track ten. Asad, what do you think of this one? Alright, that'll be the jump off.

Look at this. Cosmopolitan. Go up. Asad Khaled was the best baby of 2017. Hey, Cosmopolitan, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself, dude. You're making this...

Why do we all have to be the biggest asshole? This kid's going to grow up for real and be Lex Luthor. That's what he's going to grow up and be. Unbelievable, dude. What do you mean best baby? babies are babies that's it best baby oh go go go go up go up go read that way so if 2016 was a dumpster fire then 2017 is a dumpster fire that you have to cook squirrel over because you're the last living human alive after Earth gets ravaged by fast-killing pandemic. Who writes this shit?

There has, however, been one bright spot throughout the year of horrors, and his name is Asad Tukkhalid. Who writes this shit? Look at how bad people want content that we can just have that people will just read about this god dj khaled's wife must she must beat the shit out of him for real that must be why he's like this look at the baby in the fucking look at the baby she i You know what my prediction is? She beats the shit out of DJ Khaled. That's my prediction. Right now, you heard it on Congratulations.

She's going to beat the shit out of him, but it'll never come out because he won't fucking... There's no way. He won't even eat his wife's pussy. He's going to tell her if he hit her. I'm telling you right now, it's never going to come out, but she's going to beat the shit out of him. She's going to smack, smack, smack smack because who the fuck could live with the guy that I'm the king I don't need her pussy why are you telling us dude like what why are you telling us I know guys that don't go down but like you know that's fine you know that whatever i you know if your woman

because some women are like i don't like it like whatever you say oh they're not in touch with their sexuality fine i don't give a fuck but like for him to to just broadcast. The baby's shirt was open in that one. Dude. Oh my God. They're on a red carpet in BET. A BET red carpet event. And they're holding the baby. And the baby's shirt is open. Like he's fucking Enrique Iglesias. Like he's going to get chicks.

Unbelievable. The baby's shown to get chicks. Unbelievable. The baby's shown off his chest. You're one. You're one. You shit your pants. You literally shit your pants. you literally shit your pants if you shit your pants you can't wear your shirt open wow i mean i can't wait till this kid is 15 i can't wait to see what this kid is like

i'm gonna be 50 um wow i just was gonna say something i don't remember now i'm pissed but the one thing dj keller does do that i'm gonna do with my kids is dress like them and you think i'm joking but i I'm not. I'm going to get the same outfits, dress like the kid. And it's going to be like daily, dude. It's not, this is not a joke.

I'm going to dress just like the fucking kid. And fucking, and it's going to be on dude. And we're going to have daddy day. We're going to bring them out. And if it's a girl, then I'm going to get the girl version. I don't give a fuck, dude.

I'm going to get the guy version of whatever the girls, the little, my little daughter's wearing. If it's pink, I'm going to get the girl version. I don't give a fuck, dude. I'm going to get the guy version of whatever my little daughter is wearing. If it's pink, I'm going to get the pink. Then guess what? Daddy's fucking wearing pink. I don't give a shit. I'm talking about four, five years old too.

Toddler shit, not just baby. Toddler shit. Until honestly the girl's like, I don't want you to do it anymore. Or my son's like, I don't want you to do it anymore. Why do people take sexy pictures of their baby look at some of this shit like like like where the baby looks like he's gonna fuck your girl i mean wait you're a fucking baby who are you neo god damn man um just you know what shout out to people who keep it fucking real and just do what they do without any flash we're trying you know just just living their lives nobody's trying to exploit anybody exploit anything shout out to the hard-working man and woman shout out to the

hard-working man and woman that are just doing their thing not thoughts on fucking instagram they're not dudes trying to flex on you shout out to those people for real because i know a lot of you guys are listening shout out to you guys you keep our country moving man god this baby asad look at this executive producer asad khaled God. This baby. Assad. Look at this. Executive producer Assad Khaled. Go fuck yourself. Counting money. Who started that rapper talking on the phone with the fucking money?

Who started that? Unbelievable. All right. I don't know. Should we do an elder? I should. Yeah. Oh, this is that.

Yeah. Okay, good. All right. You know what? I'm going to announce an elder. This is good. I've been wanting to do this guy for the past week because of what he did. Here we go.

Congrats, buddy. Congratulations. You are the new elder. His name is Matthew Heath, a.k.a. S. Matthew, which I love his name. S. Matthew. S Matthew, which I love his name. S Matthew for the reason why he is an elder is because he made this, this killer YouTube video, which we shared on Twitter, the A to Z of congratulations. And it's really funny because it shows all, I didn't even know there were,

I was like, what's he going to, he'll basically, he'll take like a, he'll go a, and then I'll say like, what's he going to, he'll basically, he'll take like A, he'll go A and then I'll say like, and then he'll, he'll cut to me saying whatever the fucking A thing I said was. Um, like G is like go shopping or something, or E is eh, you know? And it's really funny. And I, every time I was like, what's he going to say for this? You know? And Z is zoinks, which I was like, what the fuck is he going to be? So anyway, it was really cool. It's like nine minutes long.

So if you're at work and bored, listen, watch it. Congratulations, Matthew. We'll DM you with the details. It's Matthew. That's how you pronounce his name. It's Matthew. Should I disrespect the shit out of you and order Postmates right now?

I'm going to fucking do that. You want some? No? No? Okay. I'm going to disrespect the shit out of you guys. God, I love disrespecting the shit out of my listeners while getting Postmates while I'm on the fucking thing. What do you tip

for delivery, guys? What do you tip? Four or five bucks? You? Ivan Getridov? Yeah? tip for delivery guys what do you tip four or five bucks you i haven't get rid of yeah i sometimes i do 10 unless it's like sometimes they get oh i think you do like 20 uh uh uh like sometimes i buy sushi and it costs like 120 i'm like this guy's gonna get fucking rich off this shit i'll just do like $5. Um, but I'm about to, oh dude,

my place isn't open on Monday. You know what? How about when places aren't open on Monday? Fuck is that dude? It's Sunday. You're not open. It's Sunday. You're not,

well, you just choose a fucking, you know why? You know why it is? You know what it is? Cause you want that extra day of chilling, which is if i ever had a business i'd get i'd take off wednesday in the middle shit wouldn't get too hectic it wouldn't build up um yeah because people want that extra day like a bitch ass they want that i had sund. I'm going to Monday tomorrow. Mar on. Mar on.

Tickets to my Follow the Leader Tour. Go out and get them on Friday. Although I still am coming to other places like Eugene, Sacramento this week. I'm coming. I'll be in Sacramento this week and Eugene, Oregon. Wilmington, Redding, Tulsa, Midwest City, Dallas, Portland, Hampton Beach, Manchac, Houston, Wichita, Kansas City, Lincoln, Reno, Las Vegas. So, yeah, I really like – I don't know what I'm going to do next for my next special or if I'm going to do it soon or what or where I'm going to shoot it.

I've got some other things I want to do too so that might come first but uh i know it's been about what is it it hasn't been a year it's been like 10 months since my last one came out so you should still be watching that one man on fire um our youtube subscribers have gone up a lot man we're at like one we we just passed a hundred thousand which i guess we get that plaque don't we we're gonna get a plaque dude we're gonna hang it right here so we can see it um and uh just a flaw just a flex on you motherfuckers you know just a flex um and uh so we got a hundred however many, 115,000. We bumped up.

I don't know if it was the – my Logan Paul video got a lot, 336,000. I guess people come to me for the news now, you know. I guess people come to me for the news now. I'm going to – Hi, welcome to congratulations. Welcome to cake congratulations here at the Congratulations Studios. We're here to talk to you about the news. We've bumped up in followers. We're at 116,000 followers.

The biggest asshole in the world projected to be Asad Khalid. He got a $34,000 watch given to him by his dad, who is a producer, and he will grow up to be the world's biggest asshole. Back to you. Anyway, what is it about a female newscaster that's like sexy, right? Is that a sexist thing to say? I feel like everything's a sexist thing to say now, so whatever. But what is it about a female newscaster that's, it's because they're usually really pretty, maybe. That's why. I'm just an idiot. I'm just like, like if I saw a newscaster out, pretty newscaster out, I didn't know she was a newscaster. I'd probably still be like, ah, she's hot. Guys are such idiots, dude. Man, guys are such idiots.

There was a fucking street sign I saw. Whitney Comics posted it on Instagram about the fucking no cat calling in San Francisco. And she posted it like, oh, yeah, cool. San Francisco's like, that's going to help. Like some guy's going to be like, ah, fuck, never mind. My own. I don't know, man. We're fucking winding down here.

Congratulations. Boy, I started sweating with that fucking green onion shit. And then the baby hitting on the chick and then killing her that that was a good bit though oh how about the woman that fucking called the police on the barbecue oh what a what a fucking dunkin donut dude this fucking idiot first of all why does she kind of looks like an you know what she looks like uh somebody who is like she actually looks like a canadian for real she so looks like someone who's like real far up north and she's oh dude this fucking little motherfucker she she goes to call the people on a barbecue because they're using a gas grill

um black people and she was like you can't be doing this and it's barbecue because they're using a gas grill um black people and she was like you can't be doing this and it's obviously because they're black people that she's doing this because she's just being racist and uh and she and the cops came and then she started playing the victim. That's that's like exactly what's wrong with. It's so funny, too, because that's like you think that she's conservative, but then you're like, oh, but that's what a liberal does. Also, they fucking cry and play the victim. And then, oh, it's like at least stand up to it. If you're going to be racist, at least stand up to it if you're gonna be racist at least stand up to it you fucking asshole also claim to not be racist claim to be look i actually it has nothing to do with them being

black put out a fucking dude put out a video that says it has nothing to do with them being black i don't like gas they're not allowed it costs the city money no i love my park maybe then we would be like all right this lady's just insane she doesn't want gas grills and it she thinks it costs the city money i don't care if they're white i don't care if they're black you know be that lady who who fucking texted the guy $65,000. Sorry, guys, I'm too busy backing up the Briggs truck. I meant 65,000 times. When she's like, did you see that video of that lady, dude, on fire?

So I just, I texted him because when you find someone you love, you just, I don't care if he doesn't respond. I love him. And you have to show the love. She's like Mike Garibay. She's just, oh, so I texted her and, you know, I follow 33. I follow the number 33. I follow the number 33.

And so I was looking and I noticed there was a three in it. I mean, so always coming, you know, and no, not even coming, just ran a marathon. So tired. How, how, how insane would it be to have sex with that woman? How? I'm going to cum 33 times. How? I mean, look at her eyes, dude. I mean, woman accused of stalking man after one date sends him 65,000 texts. Eh.

Too many. Go ahead, play a little of it. Or I can just... I can just fucking do it here. What do I call it? Oh, Juanfire's fucking up so hard. Brought up the woman, calls police on black family again. Hey, he's in the past, dude.

I'm just going to type it. Here, look, it's 65,000 texts. Here we go. Here we we go the way what she says oh she keeps coming so hard all right with the ads I felt like I met my soulmate and everything was just the way it was and I thought we would just

do what everybody else did and we would just like get married and everything would be fine but that's not what happened oh that's what she does oh she goes man she met through an online and everything would be fine, but that's not what happened. Oh, that's what she was. She goes, oh, she goes. Paradise Valley man she met through an online dating service for millionaire matchmaking. Court records say Addis sent the victim 65,000 text messages, including threats to kill him, wear his body parts,

and bathe in his blood. Oh, is this a sad call it in 10 years? The volume of text messages, but she would not get into specifics. Oh, is this a side call it in 10 years? Oh my God, your blood. I want to bathe in it. I'd wear your skull. She wrote. Oh, what Trump? Nobody's ever be more sorry oh what trump nobody's ever been more sorry i'm the most even though i never apologize but he's always the most

everything nobody's ever been more sorry i sent him i told him i wanted to bathe in his blood nobody would ever be more sorry than me. Crazy. Actually, so sad, though, if you think about it in a non-comedy way. That's Asad Khaled and her. If he grew up to be 20 years old and dated her, and then they had a kid, the kid would come out and be Thanos. I saw Infinity War. By the way, Josh Brolin, did you see it?

Yeah. So let me just say right out, I loved it, okay? Josh Brolin was the first, and this is not a knock on the other bad guys. He was the first bad guy in any comic book marvel, I'll say, DC in the last few years, that was actually creepy and scary, I thought. Like, I actually was like, not like I was like, uh-oh, but like, you know, I'm a grown man. But I was like, wow, that's actually creepy. I was like, I felt what it would be like to be scared of that guy. That's what it was.

And I was like, wow, he was so good. And I hate when people are like, first of all, he played like, like I saw the Justice League also with the fucking Steppenwolf. Isn't that a band, by the way? Like, don't, you know, the band transcends the fucking, they're like, oh, no, here comes Steppenwolf. They're like, bam, and now, and now, bam, oh, they're going to take over the world.

No clue what they sing, because I would never listen to a band named Steppenwolf, but they're probably great great i'm an idiot and an ignoramus but um i know they're huge and way bigger than me so anyway um so so they fucking play so they what was i talking about oh yeah so then so so josh brolin was great really really really good in that movie and the movie was good the tone was great it just it just tonally good in that movie. And the movie was good. The tone was great. It just tonally was, you know, look, if you don't like Marvel movies, you're not going to like it. I do. And I liked it a lot.

It was the best one in a long time. And I was like, how the fuck are they going to do it? There's so many characters in it. How are they going to do it? And they did it. They did it well. And the bad guy was really good. And it was just good. They did it well. and the bad guy was really good and it was just good if they did it they did it well and i like the movie infinity wars was good now they made justice league as well now that was before infinity wars they made it but they both

were the they both were uh in development at the same time okay I should preface what I'm about to say as that. And they also are both comic books that have been around forever. These superheroes and everybody, they've all been around for a long time. They've been around for 100 years almost, right? Not quite. But I mean, Superman's old, you know? So Superman, Batman, all those guys. Captain America.

Now, I watched Infinity Wars first. Then I watched the Justice League because I liked the movies. But I didn't see Justice League at the movie theater. Infinity – well, let me start with Infinity Wars even though it came out afterwards. Infinity Wars is about – and I'm not going to ruin these movies for you if you've seen them, but the plot I'm going to give. Infinity Wars is about this guy, Thanos, who wants to,

who thinks there's too many mouths to feed in the world. All our resources are being used up. He wants to half the population. He wants to kind of basically start over and half the population so there's less mouths to feed and the people who will live will now live with full bellies okay so he has to get the infinity stones to do this all right now there's six of them or five five or six i don't know if the thumb has one. But anyway, so he has to go find these Infinity Stones.

He had a glove made by the guy from fucking Game of Thrones, the small guy. And it's disrespectful to call him that. And he has to go to different parts of the world and other worlds to get these Infinity Stones. Now, all these Infinity Stones, they do different things. One is the Time Infinity Stone. different things one is the time infinity stone the other one is the soul stone the other one is the you know the fucking uh reality stone and they all control different things the mind stone the the power stone and the space stone okay space stone now there are green orange red fucking another color, purple and blue. All right? Yellow.

And they put, he had a glove made that he can wear, put all these infinity stones in them. There's six of them. And when he gets all of them, he can just snap. He can snap. And half of the population never existed. They don't die, but they just never existed. And they go away. All right?

The Avengers now have to stop him. And some of them are in charge of different stones. Like Doctor Strange knows where the Time Stone is. So it's like oh it's it's in his chest right so so thanos has to go to him to get this thing and then he has to go somewhere else where some other guy is guarding it and it's fucking thor because it's on asgard or some shit i mean i don't even know how i know all these things about this. Supreme dork. Anyway. And the soul stone is like, what's the fucking, the guardians of the galaxy are fighting for this one. And so it was clever how they do it.

They got to go to each. This is how they involve all the superheroes and all the shit. And so I watched the movie. I'm not going to tell you what happens at the end, but he's, you know the stones, and you're like, uh-oh, what's going to happen, right? Oh, no, uh-oh. So now I watched the Justice League, and I go to watch the Justice League. Have you guys seen the Justice League? Okay.

This is what Ivan Getrid and One Fire have not. I'm going to explain the Justice League to these guys, okay? Batman, all right, wants to get a team together, all right? Because there's this guy, Steppenwolf, all right, that wants to start the world over from scratch and destroy the world. All right? Now, Steppenwolf comes to Earth because on Earth there are three mother boxes. All right?

The mother boxes are in different areas of the world, and Steppenwolf has to get them and find where they are. The mother boxes are yellow, red, and green, or some shit. And with all of these mother boxes, only then will Steppenwolf be able to start the world over and destroy Earth. Here's my review for both of those movies together. It's the same movie. What's the difference between he and he, nothing, you can make any movie you want, but dude, and they didn't rip each other off, it's not like, it's just, this is the formula for these movies.

Every fucking movie that they come with on these superhero movies, it's like, oh, I gotta... First of all, it started off with just one guy. But then, you know, you keep making it more and more and more until there's 45 characters. And now it's fucking the Infinity Stones and the Mother Box. So... And it's like oh no this bad all the movies are i the good guy i've got the power the bad guy oh i gotta i i'm here now and i'm taking that thing from you and they take the thing and then the good guy's got to get it back

that's that's every fucking movie okay and in one way or another oh fucking they killed my dad oh that's my power you know even even as basic as that oh now i got to get that power back and best this okay fine whatever i get it i'm not complaining about movies i love them i love those movies um but then it became i gotta got to build a team, you know, and we got to get the best of the best. We got to go all sorts. We got to go so far to get some of these guys. And then somebody else is there and like, he's not going to want to do it. And then he's like, well, we're just going to have to make them. He doesn't want the world to end either, does he? And then they'll be like, all right, I'll help you.

Begrudgingly, always. Everybody's begrudgingly in this movie, in these movies. Then they go find one of the guys. Hey. And then that guy's always like, either he either says, I didn't know you existed, or I haven't seen you in a hundred years. And then he's like, well, you know, I'd only come back if I needed you. And then the other guy's like, begrudgingly.

And he's like, need you on my team and then the guy's like sorry things just haven't been the same since died whoever you know yeah i know but if you don't come with me then everyone's gonna die and he, nah, not joining your team no matter what. And then he's like, well, let me know if you change your mind. And then they go get another guy and they're like, need you on my team. And he's like, I didn't even know you existed. And he's like, yeah, well, I need you on my team, though. And they're like, yeah, sorry. Things haven't been the same since my child died.

And my dad got locked up for killing my mom, even though he's innocent. And he's like, well, I need you. And then he talks him into it. And he's like, all right, I'll join your fucking team. And then in the meantime, then he goes back to the lair and the first guy's there. And he's like you know i thought about what you said and there's nothing that's gonna bring her back it's not gonna change anything but i still wanna try because hope is what you need and then it's like let's go get those goddamn green and red and blue and purple things

so the bad guy doesn't get them first because if he does the world's over yeah let's do it and they're like how the fuck are we gonna pull this off and then they're like i know one guy they're like who and they're like he lives underwater or in space on a planet we're making up right now and they're like really yeah let's go get him they're like you think he's gonna want to be on our team and he's like he never wants to do fucking anything they go to the fucking place hey and then he's like i didn't even know you guys existed and he's like you want to be on our and the guy goes team fuck that i would never be on your team and then they'd say well if you don't then this and then the guy's like all right i'll be on your team how the fuck are we gonna get those green and blue and purple and yellow and red things they're gonna be like there's

a red thing and they're like yeah you didn't even know about the red thing oh fuck well good thing you're on our team let's go get them and then they go get them and it's like there she is super fucking dame There she is. Super fucking dame. Oh my god, we didn't know our team needed a woman until Hollywood said women are important. There she is. Her cape.

The color of the soul stone. I haven't seen purple like that since the Guardians of the Galaxy were trying. I haven't seen the stone the color of that since I fucking saw the team with a fucking animal on it. Because we need to also include animals. Wow. Hey, girl. Yeah? You want to show... Whoa, what are you doing?

Just being stronger than all of you. How'd that happen? Because women are strong, too. If not stronger, even though when it comes to physical strength, that's nowhere near true in the real world. Yeah. Anyway, you want to be in our team? I'm way ahead of you. You're on my team. Whoa. Let's go get those blue and red and green and purple and let's go get that clear stone. There's a clear stone. Yeah, I didn't know that. Cause women are smarter too.

Let's go. That's the fucking You think I'll get in trouble for jerking off my power dick and power coming all over the principal's desk? You think I'll get in trouble for power jerking off and power coming all over the bad guys power chair?

You like bad guys, though, don't you, dame? Yeah, in my youth, I used to date the guy that's trying to... Yeah, that's true. I used to date the guy that... I used to fuck the guy that's trying to take over the world, but he went bad. Ha ha ha ha ha. that... I used to fuck the guy that's trying to take over the world, but he went bad. That's the fucking... That's all the movies. That's all the Marvel movies and DC movies.

And then the credits. I don't know. Fuck it. Alright, dude. We're done here. You guys... Square Cash. Have you... you square cash have you switched yet download the free square cash app enter rewards code congrats get five dollars give five dollars the time's up get it for ios or android now um follow the leader we got new dates up right now buy tickets at crystalia.com. Crystalia.com now.

All the new dates. And I'm coming to Sacramento and Eugene, Oregon this week. I'll see you guys there. See you babies there. Download the Crystalia app. We go live on the app before each show. And I post shit on there too that I don't post other places. Subscribe, rate, and review the show, please.

That helps. Tweet me by using the handle at congratspod or by using a hashtag congratulationspod. I post shit on there too that I don't post other places. Subscribe, rate, and review the show, please. That helps. Tweet me by using the handle at congratspod or by using a hashtag congratulationspod. Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Man on Fire, Incorrigible, White Male Black Comic. Those are my specials. You can watch it and re-watch it and share them. Thank you for listening. And remember,

Choo-Choo! Okay. Okay.