Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 71. Freedom

Episode Date: June 4, 2018

It's the 71st episode! On today's show, Chris talks about taking a stand for what you believe in, a.k.a. your "freedom" moment. Chris also plays around with his new soundboard. Also discussed: car wash etiquette, what is a "brand", drug stores selling clothes, baseball hats with non-baseball stuff on them, and the one time he committed robbery. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Download the Cash App, get your free Cash Card, and select your boost. Save money when you swipe on stuff like coffee, Chipotle, Shake Shack, and more. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. What's up, guys? It's episode 71. You know, that's amazing. We haven't done 71 episodes yet, so that's really cool. And we are doing this a little bit early.

I'm recording this on a Sunday, so this is a day ago. And also, the people who have my app can catch it live right now, which is right now now on Sunday, but when i say right now on monday i mean yesterday dude isn't it crazy how radio and podcasts and tv shit happens later on and you don't even know you don't even know you don't even realize it i mean well you realize it if you're watching tv well maybe you don't realize it you're a dumb fuck if you don't know you know you think you're a dumb fuck if you think law and order is happening as you're watching law and order. Also, can I ever say law and order or do I always have to say law and order? Because it's New York, law and order? Or is it Lauren order?

One time I knew somebody, I can't remember, but it was like, oh, it was my cousin. It was my cousin when he was a kid. He thought it was A Blinken instead of A Blinken. A Blinken. it's cute if a grown-up did it stupid hit okay now um look i'm just gonna come out and say it right now we got a soundboard we got a fucking soundboard babies now one fire set this up which means it's definitely going to be janky and not work that much however however disclaimer full disclaimer sucks okay sucks balls sucks big donkey balls but uh here's why it sucks because when i play it it only happens in my headphones and one fire and i even get rid of they don't even have we have headphones we have like 40 headphones but we don't

have the connectors so they can't hear the bits but I can so the bit but what the fuck's it matter bits are good for me so when I'm like dude it's on babies now I can hear it do you know what I'm saying and you can hear it one fire just goes

wow this sucks but we can hear it babies because it's episode 71 and i can feel it i can feel the music happening and shit and they don't know what the fuck's going on guys i'm playing back in black see ya um so we got a soundboard and look it is it instant? No. Is there a little bit of a delay? Yes. But it's all good. Do I have to drag the song back on the fucking timeline to make it start over again? Yes. If I click the button twice a second time, does it start where it left off? Yes. Is that bad?

Yes. Now, does it matter? Yes. But I can drag it back as long as I don't have to do the same bit twice in a row immediately, which I always do. Yes. So it's very annoying. Yes.

But it's all good. Do you know why, dude? Now, they have no idea what I'm playing, but I'm playing Back in Black again. Now, did I have to drag it back? Yes. But it's fun dude and uh anyway um dude it's finally let me just say this it's so funny when it starts to get beautiful everywhere

like it's june and you just go on instagram or anywhere and you just see all the motherfuckers with the shorts on and the tank tops on and the girls are getting ice cream and shit in the daytime, you know? Like girls, it was like free ice cream day or something the other day and girls were just like, it's free ice cream day, walking around with tank tops on in the fucking city of New York. Just eating ice cream. Like, they don't even want ice cream. They just know that it's the day, so they got to do it. Now, that's the definition of a CUDA. That is the definition of a CUDA. I can't believe somebody made an app for us, for the cult.

It's on my Instagram. I posted it. But there's the CUDA quiz app or whatever. And, yeah, there's some things that are misspelled, but still, it's amazing. Does he say whole, W-H-O-L-E, when he means H-O-L-E? Yes. Does he have the wrong your with the apostrophe and not an apostrophe? Yes. But did he do all the legwork and make an amazing app? Yes. Now, I did did the app and you can find out if you're at what percent cuda you are now like i said we're all a little bit cuda we all have that in in us and being a cuda is you know coming from barracuda you see a fucking bling bracelet and barracuda is like attack it you know what i mean if you go ship fishing and then you bring the barracuda on the thing and your idiot wife has like on a fucking a hundred thousand dollar

bracelet the coot is gonna kill him so that's what you're like when you see a fucking oh arby's has a new beef fucking burger with bacon and cheddar and bubble gum on it gotta go you could now i got took the the quiz but we're all a little bit cuda you can't be a robot so i took the quiz i was five percent cuda and i think that that's great five percent is what you strive for zero percent there's something fishy it sounds like you're lying you know anyway um so uh i um So I – what was I going to say? Shit, I'm already off track. Pretty cool. Seven minutes in, soft track.

And you know what? I also am going to New York and I can't wait. Dude, you know what New York is? New York is an amazing place to visit. I lived there for a year and got depression. And it's all good. And I don't think it was New York. I was going to college too.

And fucking I hated college so much, dude. Let me go on record and say this, dude. And it's not good for everybody, but I hate school, man. I fucking hated school. I hated high school, college, hated school i hated high school college the school before high school and the school before that whatever those are elementary and shit i just don't it's like it's a weird fucking thing school because it's like it they have to make it as as general so it does it's like you know watered down comedy you water down the comedy

so everybody's happy so you don't offend anybody but that's what school's like you got to have the most general fucking studies and learn math you know what i mean the fuck i'm a comedian the fuck do i care about math so look for me for comedians who's in the arts, you don't need to go to school. Dude, if you're in the fucking third grade, drop out. Drop out. The second you stop painting and shit with your fingers and shit and you're like, oh, it's art day. Yay. The second you stop, that stops.

Drop out. If you want to be an artist. I knew I wanted to be a comedian since I came out the womb, dude. I came out and I was like, why did the chicken cross the road? Now, it's not a podcast if I don't do a fart sound or mention Tupac. Is it? But, yeah. But if you want to be a doctor, obviously you got to

go to 42 years of school. You got to go to 42 years of school. Um, but yeah, dude, anyway, I was in New York living there. Here's I just like, why doesn't everybody just live in a place with the weather? Always good. Like Chicago's fucking banging, dude. Chicago is fucking banging. But then you get to Chicago in February,

cut my head off. You get to Chicago in December, saw my limbs off. Dude, bury me. What? Stay indoors. But like Chicago's good for like a month, dude. Straight up. All these other's good for like a month, dude. Straight up.

All these other places. Kentucky, fucking Virginia, Connecticut. They're good for a month. The other 11 months, chill living for. You're going to work and you're cold as fuck, dude. Whatever happened to Asher Roth with that song College? One Fire's playing Asher Roth in the background. Like, just, what happened to him?

Does he still rap? He does, dude, right? He probably has a fucking, he probably owns like a chain of print shops or something. How weird is it when like a child star or something, not that he was child star but like when somebody grows up like what are these fucking some of these vine guys gonna do like what are these guys gonna do who are big on instagram and then when instagram goes away what the fuck are they gonna do like what's uh that guy who always made that fucking that pasty white guy that was like that pasty white guy that was like,

what's that fucking guy's name? I don't even know his name anymore. He was like 31 when Vine, I'm describing me, but like he was like 31 when Vine was going on and his name was like Charles or some shit. I don't remember. It was fucking awful though, whatever the fuck it was.

He had tattoos and shit. What's he doing now? And then he got like in trouble for because some girl said he raped her the fuck's that guy's name whatever it was it was it was awful now what's he doing now he's like 40 now and just being a we're going to print shop i don't know but anyway um uh yeah so what he got a vine tattoo oh Jesus Christ oh yeah that's him I won't even say his name doesn't

deserve it wow he still got fucking a lot of Instagram followers Jesus Christ oh god even just the stills of the fucking Instagram videos are like do you ever see the instagram videos where the fucking shit where the stuff i follow a lot of like fitness people on instagram and do you ever see like like on the explorer page i'll get like they'll show like a fitness guy and it's a video and or no no it's just a picture and then it'll

like have a red circle around the fucking part they want you to see like abs like this. And then it'll have a red circle around the abs. Like we know where the fucking abs are. You don't have to have a red circle around it. How dumb are we? So. I don't know. I was at.

What was I going to say, though? I was going to say something about the fucking coffee bean. Oh, no, I got my car washed is what it was. And I just got my car washed, and one fire and I was waiting for me to get back because I was getting my car washed. And I just sat there. And look, here's the deal.

When you get your car washed, get your car washed. You get your car washed, that's it. That's what you get. The job you get on your car wash is the job you got on your car wash. Okay? When the guy swings the towel around and goes, hey, you're done. You go up. You give him the fucking tip.

You get in your car. You get the fuck out of there. You know what you don't do? A once over. Dude what you don't do a once over dude you don't look this is something if you're a dude you do this you're a bitch and if you're a girl you do this you're a motherfucking diva dude when you see i saw this woman there with a red dress on with a red fucking sunday dress on just pointing at spots that weren't clean and the guy was like okay and he would just and dude she look if you leave a fuck if you say oh you forgot to do the tires i paid

for the tires okay but this girl was like there's a spot there there's a spot over there there's a spot over there dude and the guy was just like if i worked at that carpet dude i would be fired immediately there's a spot there i'd get the one spot she said oh there's a spot over there i say oh really okay i get another spot and then the said, oh, there's a spot over there. I say, oh, really? Okay, I get another spot. And then the third spot, she said, there's a spot over there. I'd look at her and I'd say, go fuck yourself. You're not going to Beverly Hills me, baby. You're not going to Beverly Hills me, man. You don't bring that shit. You know what? Keep that shit in Beverly Hills. How about that? We're in fucking West Hollywood. Fuck that. You keep that Beverly Hills shit in Beverly Hills, man. It goes as far as Bel Air and that's it. You keep that Beverly Hills shit in Beverly Hills, man.

It goes as far as Bel Air and that's it. You bring that shit down to WeHo, go fuck yourself. You bring that shit down to WeHo, go fuck yourself, dude. I ain't got no motherfucking... That's why I fucked your bitch,

you fat motherfucker. Seriously, dude. Get that shit out of here, man. I can't fucking... I told you about the time I got Beverly Hills at the coffee bean in Beverly Hills. Did I tell you that shit? I think I did that early on in one of these episodes where I was standing in line at the coffee bean trying to get a coffee.

And this Beverly Hills fucking woman who was like 60, 70 years old and looked like a fucking mummy because she got so much work done she came in and stood in front of me in line she stood in front of me in line how fucking and i said oh ma'am i said ma that's, by the way, that's the soundboard. But I said, oh, excuse me, I was in line. And she goes, and I said, I'm not joking. She said, no, you were over there. And I didn't even move. I didn't even move.

I was standing. I watched her walk in and stand in front of me. And I said, oh, excuse me. I was waiting in line. And she said, no, you were over there. And I said, no, I watched you walk in. I'm right here waiting in line. And she said, oh, no, you weren't.

And then fucking cut me. I mean, literally that happened. And now it was in beverly hills so i get it but also go fuck yourself too because in my head i made up a backstory about her i'm like oh her husband works so hard makes money and she's just fucking spending it even though that's sexist that was the shit i went to in my mind one time i I was looking at one time, one time I was looking at, I was driving and I was, you know how you get in one of those stairs where you're just like zoned out and it feels so good and comfy as shit to just stare at like a leaf and you're just hanging. You know what I'm talking about?

Where you're just like this, you can see it on the video pod, but you're just like fucking glazed over, and you're just like, oh, I don't really want to get out of this. I hope no one bugs me and calls my name because it feels so comfy. It's like an orgasm for your eyes. It's like an orgasm behind your eyes. And I was doing that. I was on a red light, at a red light. Am I a Russian spy?

I was on a red light. No, I was at a red light. And I was just staring at this Mercedes window. Now, it was so tinted, and the windows were up, and I was just staring into space at this Mercedes, this really nice Mercedes, I guess. I didn't know it was really nice until afterwards. But the window rolls down like a crack, which was, first of all, if you're going to roll down a window in a car, only a crack, and you didn't just get the car washed, whatever you're going to say is going to be the most cock shit of all time. Roll down the whole window.

If you roll down a little bit and you're just like, hey, man, fucking, you know, you're just a cock, whatever you're going to say. I'm not giving an example. So it rolls down a little bit, okay? This dainty woman hand comes out with a fucking ring on it. And she fucking flashes the ring at me like I was checking her out. Now, here's how, you know, you fucking piece of shit, how you didn't even pay for the car.

Okay. Cause you don't know that the windows are tinted. You didn't go get the windows tinted and you don't know they're tinted because if i'm staring at a window that's tinted i can't fucking see if there's even a guy or a girl in the car what if that was the last shit i said and then i just died it was a hundred percent tinted it looked like it was paint and and i and i was so taken aback dude that she had the audacity to think that i was checking her out through a tinted fucking window that my jaw dropped now i was

like a young buck i was like 22 and i was like oh my god like what is she doing i i actually you know when things happen and then years later you remember it and you're like that couldn't happen that's what i fucking feel like but i know what happened so she she went like this and waved her fucking big ass ring that obviously her husband bought for her because you know and and after she drove away i had the fucking best slam of all time and i didn't do it because i was so in shock because i was a young pup now if you do that to a 38 year old me and you do that then I fucking immediately clap back with a fucking, oh, I was wondering how you got such a nice car because there's no way you didn't pay for it. Awful fucking soundboard, dude. It came in.

It fucking grew. It swelled. It wasn't even, I should have picked. Why are they fucking? Dude, she showed me her ring, bro. You know how much? That's the biggest ego shit of all time. Oh, he's checking me out.

Here's my ring. I wasn't. Also, you're sad. You cry a lot if you do shit like that. I know. One of my superpowers is I think I know how much people cry individually. I think that this is my X-Men power. One time I was dating a girl in utah

i wasn't in utah but she was and um this was years ago and she had a roommate and she was like i really like her she's great and i was like yeah she's real sad though she cries all the time and she was like what and dude the whole year she would cry the whole time she's like how did you know because i fucking know, bro. I know how much people cry. I know when somebody cries and when they don't, dude. I can feel it. Not like in a, I can feel when it's happening, but like, you know, unbreakable when he walks by and touches somebody and then he's like, oh, this guy did that.

I got to go fucking, this guy's did that in a bad way. I know when somebody cries because you could tell it's written all over their faces, dude. This guy did that in a bad way. I know when somebody cries. Because you can tell it's written all over their faces, dude. If you post a fucking stupid shit on Instagram and you're like, this is the world we live in and we got to make it better and recycle and this and that, you cry.

You cry all the time. My body is sexualized when I choose, not when you do. You cry all the time. You cry. Cry. You cry. You cry. Cry. You cry. You cry, baby. You can't say shit like that and not cry all the time. You emotional? You emotional. That lady who Beverly Hills me, I don't know if she cries, but I hope she does. She deserves a sobbing ass day. That's what she deserves.

She deserves a sobbing ass day. That's what she deserves. And these fucking people at the establishments, they don't give a fuck. They're just serving coffee. I think there's like fucking... I was at the coffee meeting. I think that there's like people... Two people came up to me.

Hey, what's up, Chris? Hey, dude, here's the deal. If you don't know me and you just know my shit, you got to come up in a different way. You can't do the, hey, what's up? Like the you know me, hey, what's up? What's up, Chris? Hey, do I know you or not? Don't confuse me.

If you're just saying hey because you know me from tv or some the internet you got to say something like that oh hey how's it going wow hi or oh nice to nice to see you or you know even if you're like i don't like your shit fuck you you know but like don't be that something know me from there and be like oh what's up chris oh hey do i know you i'm so confused when that happens one guy some guy one one one time some guy come up came up to me i forget i was at some Oh, what's up, Chris? Oh, hey. Do I know you? I'm so confused when that happens. One guy, some guy, one time some guy came up to me. I forget. It was at some gig.

And he was like, hey, man, you're on that show Whitney, huh? The close I came to punching a guy out in my fucking adult life. Hey, man, you're on Whitney, huh? Yeah. Oh, that show fucking sucks, but you're all right. I walked away. And like, what a fucking, what a fuck, you know? Like, now he goes and tells his friends, oh, yeah, you're a real man, dude. So we were talking about, I forget who I was talking about this with, but we're talking

about who stole things in their life. I've, I've stole one thing in my life and I know what it is. And have I told you guys this on a podcast? I was at a CVS or something or pick and save or save on whatever the fuck these things are. ShopRite. I don't know where you are in the world, but something like that. And they were selling these hats. You know how, like, why the fuck, by the way, does CVS and, like, Pick and Save, not Pick and Save, I get it, but CVS and, like, Savon drugstores, why the fuck do they sell, like, long-sleeve shirts? You know?

Like, not even just T-shirts. long sleeve shirt and like fucking like like like zebra print red and black zebra print pants who's shopping here like fucking moms and mc hammer like what is it for who who buys the fucking long sleeve shirts at a drugstore huh you go You go into a drugstore. Here's what you get, dude. You get drugs. You get Windex. You get fucking maybe tinfoil. And you get balloons at the most. Maybe you buy a Frisbee. Balloons at the most. Maybe you buy a Frisbee. If you walk out of a drugstore with a long sleeve shirt and some pants, revaluate. It's insane.

Gung. Gung. It's so important. so i i was at the drugstore and i had this like epiphany i was like they shouldn't be selling this shit there so um fucking uh 2020 and i walk in there and i see a, I swear to God, it was, I can't remember what it was. It was not a CVS, but something like that. What was it, dude? A Rite Aid. That's what it was.

I don't know what it was. Let's say it was a Rite Aid. So they were selling hats, okay? Now, it's one thing at the drugstore. This is the thing at the drugstore you'll always see baseball hats with different like uh with different like uh like you'll see you know what i don't like baseball hats for uh football teams dude no absolutely not you want to wear a baseball hat you wear either a funky baseball hat with a crazy random design or you get a fucking baseball team on it. Let me tell you what you don't get.

You don't get a baseball hat that says the Bengals on it. That's a football team. If you're a fan of the Bengals, you get the fucking helmet, bro. You get the fucking helmet, bro. You get the helmet. You get the helmet. If you're a Bengals fan, you get the helmet. And you fucking get, you get shoulder pads too, dude. As a matter of fact, you got to get the shoulder pads.

You get the shoulder pads and you get the fucking – and the coaches should be wearing that shit too. There's some comedian that does a bit about how baseball players are the only baseball – or maybe it was my uncle that said it. My Uncle Vinny was like, baseball is the only team where you wear – the coach dresses like the players. Imagine Pat Riley with a baseball jersey. I think that's my uncle who says it.

Maybe there's probably a comedian who has a bit like that. Anyway, yeah, dude, you get the fucking helmet, man. Dude, I was – wait, by the way, so I'm going to get back to the robbing story. I robbed. I rob. I'm a robber. So which one story should I do? I'm going to do this story first because I started it.

So I got the fucking – I robbed the hat. So I see a hat, okay? Blew the story right at me. So I see the hat and it's literally got – this was before Monster Energy Drink. It was a white hat with green neon zebra print on it. It looked more like Monster though, like neon green hat with white and bright, clean white, neon green. And I see this baseball hat. And fucking Rite Aid or whatever is selling this hat.

Like they're just selling these hats with like green neon fucking white baseball hats. And I'm like, this motherfucker, who would ever? As a 20-year-old, I'm like, who the fuck would ever buy this? I was with my roommate. Who the fuck would come here and buy this? And he was like, yeah, that's crazy. And I was like, you know what, dude? this hat's so fucking stupid first of all anywhere okay anywhere it's fucking stupid as shit um i'm gonna put it on my head and if i and i'm gonna because

i came for whatever i came for probably like gatoratorade and Yoo-Hoo. I was 20. Who the fuck knows? And like a fucking Snickers bar or some ice cream. Probably ice cream. The way ice cream dances around your tongue, dude, I love ice cream. Anyway, so I mean just that cold fucking feeling of having it dance and fucking play around your fucking mouth, dude. So I got this hat. So I put this hat on my head.

You know what? If I could buy all the shit that I'm going to buy and wear this hat out while I'm doing it, I deserve it. It's technically not Robin. So I put on the hat. I went to the fucking cashier, bought my fucking ice cream, my dancing around tongue ass ice cream, there it is, there's the fucking hat, that's the hat,

vintage zebra tiger stripe surf neon, I mean, how many words is on it, that's the hat, dude, How many words is on it? That's the hat, dude. They're still selling it. It's $43. From what? What's that say? Kooks cool. Oh, oh, the website is looks cool.

Dot top. Eh.top. That's the soundboard, dude. Hey, lookscool.top. Ah, fucking soundboard. Wow, that's the actual hat dude from fucking 20 years ago i gotta get that hat dude i'm gonna buy that hat so i put it on my head and i paid for all my shit looked at the cashier in her eyes i said thank you and he said thanks a lot and i walked out and and and i was like, I,

I think that that's the rule. If you can walk out of it in plain sight and own it, I learned a valuable lesson that day. If you just confidently own your shit, nobody asks you questions, you know, nobody asks you questions. That's why nobody ever asked when you walk into a fucking seven 11 and you're already drinking a smart water and you go buy a chip which and then you walk out with it. Nobody asked you. Oh, nobody asked you to pay for the fucking smart water because you're confident. You're not nervous as shit. If you start drinking the shit in the store because you took it and you're drinking it and you're nervous as fuck to say, oh, you got to pay for that too.

Fuck that. That's my hat. I put it on my head. I knew it was my hat. That's how it was. It was like the sword in the stone. It was like the fucking funky ass anyway so before i tell you about this fucking story about the the football helmet let me do my ads here me undies look you've definitely heard me talk about me undies i got them on right now i got my new uh uh uh gay Gay Pride underwear that they sent me

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Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. What? Yeah, he wasn't doing the timer so i'm on fire i did it on here because i'm smart i was at i was you last night this is what i want to talk about the giants hat okay my buddy had a giants hat on okay not the baseball team he had on the fucking football Giants hat on baseball hat. That's weird. That's like having a fucking. Well, actually, they probably do make Rollins. That's like having a fucking.

Chipotle hockey stick. Okay. It's just done. You have a Rangers hockey stick. Are you a fan of the fucking Rangers? Are you a fan of the Rangersangers you wear a hockey mask you walk around town with a hockey mask you don't get a baseball cap with the rangers on it okay anyway this guy zach donkovio i've talked about him on the podcast before he's that guy that laughs at everything dude it's unreal it's unreal he goes he said the other day the other day we were hanging out and he was like oh that's a nice hoodie

he laughs at everything and i said oh thanks bud he said what brand is it oh he said that's a nice idea i said oh thanks a lot dude i've had it for like five years it's like ralph lauren and he goes like this what dude he laughed at me saying yeah it's i've had it for five years it's rough lauren it's so weird you know what he's like he's like the guy from fucking he-man the the guy that they the he-man goes and sees the old fucking wizard guy and every time he goes and sees he laughs at everything dude it pissed me off i watched the first episode of he-man the other night it pissed me off dude it's not orco it's not orco It's, he talks like this. And every time he says something, he goes, ha, ha, ha, ha, afterwards. It's so cartoon.

It's so 80s, you know? I can't see. He was in the, he was definitely in the first episode. I don't know if he was a fucking, how gay is he, man? You know? Dude, this shit, it's so bad. was watching the toys that made us it's just so bad and then i was watching the first episode of he-man it's like they'll be like oh thanks he-man but where's prince adam and he's like oh he had to leave for a little bit right better you know what i mean

what the fuck at that point wouldn't be like, oh, you're Prince Adam, he's not Prince Adam, we have to do a spell, that's Zach Doncovio, the fucking wizard in He-Man, anyway, so, He-Man's hair, you know, He-Man'sman's hair dude what the fuck is that you got to send that to me i got to watch that he's pulling up some fucking looks like some fucking he-man skeletor edm dance battle or some shit anyway um so so uh so he laughed at that for no reason so he laughs at everything so my so the other so the some context don't really need to know this part but zach donkovio the other day oh he asked if that ralph lawrence shirt uh uh the hoodie he says is that diamond i said what he said is it diamond i said oh no i don't know what diamond is and he said oh it's like a skate brand I was like okay well no it's not I don't really wear skate brands not to knock

them some of them are really cool but no it's not diamond it's Ralph Lauren and he goes so um I say uh so so now flash forward to like two days later, he's got on a diamond hoodie. Okay? And he's wearing a Giants baseball hat. It says Giants on it. All right? So I say to him, look at this idiot wearing two brands, like all in your face, Giants and the fucking diamond brand. And him and my idiot opener, Mike Linoci, this the giants isn't a brand and i said huh and he said it's a team

hey man i know and dude and we were with more people and everyone's like, oh, dude, don't be an idiot. You think the Giants' tea is a brand? On what fucking planet, you motherfucker, are football teams not a brand? Dude, my opener is so stupid. And he was like, no, it's not a brand. And then even Zach, who I don't think is stupid was like are you wrong the giants is a team it's a football team just because it's not a clothing brand doesn't mean it's good hey his tricks is a fucking brand mcdonald's is a brand dude i was fucking blatant.

I was fucking, you know what it was? The end of Braveheart. That's what it was. That was the end of Braveheart for me. I went out. Five people were arguing against me. It's not a brand. Boom, boom, boom.

I'm at the OK Corral. Boom, boom, boom. Where's Butch Cassidy? Because I'm the fucking Sundance kid. Boom, boom. Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap. Dying for what the fuck I, boom, boom. Where's Butch Cassidy? Because I'm the fucking Sundance kid. Boom, boom. Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap. Dying for what the fuck I believe in, dude. And they were like, you know what?

They literally tried to pull this shit. You know what? We just disagree. No, there's no disagree, bro. You're wrong. They're brands how can you say the Yankees aren't a brand

boom boom boom six shooters whatever's left boom boom click click click like at the end of Braveheart where he's like say you're scared or whatever the fuck he says worst worst recalling of it ever and he's just like freedom dude you what by the way you watch the movie braveheart once and that's it you don't watch it again you don't watch it again you don't disrespect that fucking movie and watch it again.

You watch it once. God damn it, dude. When I was in high school, the fucking mother. I had these this like the day there's like this young life shit, which was like I was friends with a lot of guys who did the young life. Young life. You don't know what it is. It's a brand. But it's a it's like a,

a Christian. They, they sing around and play fucking guitar music and they are around a campfire and they sing about Jesus and it's straight up fucking awful. It's boring as shit. And their brave heart was just their favorite movie. And they always wanted to watch it. And it fucking grinded my fucking gears, dude.

You watch that movie once and that's it. You don't watch fucking movies like that that tear you up on the inside more than once. You watch comedies more than once. These stupid rules. You watch comedies more than once and that's it if you watch a drama more than once you're you know what you do you cry a lot you're lost straight up you're lost where are you someone fucking ring ring you up your mom's looking for you in aisle nine your mom's looking for you in aisle nine.

Your mom's looking for you. You're wandering around Target. That's who you are. They love it. You know what's going to happen. You watch it. You fucking, you know what I mean? My brother would disagree with me so much.

Unless you're watching it from an art standpoint. My brother's a filmmaker. Fine. That's okay. He brother's a filmmaker. Fine. That's okay. He watches Casino every other day. But that's because that's his job. You know? But if you're just some weirdo that watches some fucking drama twice, you know what? Okay.

Three times? Twice. You know what? Okay. Three times? You're going to watch Schindler's List four or five times? What the fuck is... You cry a lot, dude. You cry a lot.

About everything. About like your appearance. About what's going on in the world. About like sometimes you cry about like animals in the wild you're a fucking crazy get it together dude how about that if you watch braveheart more than once get it together by the way literally no clue what i was what story i was talking about oh yeah so braveheart but how to get the how to get the braveheart from fucking the... Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude, that was my Braveheart moment, man. I'll fucking...

I will... Cut me open, dude. Cut me open before I admit the Giants aren't a brand. These five motherfuckers looking at me like the older guys in Braveheart that are just like, well, you will concede. No, I will not. Freedom, motherfucker. Freedom. concede no i will not freedom motherfucker freedom i i it um I don't know how I, I remember even being this way, like so,

like afterwards, my opener was like, yo, you, you can't just, just cause you say it like that doesn't mean it's true. And, and which is not, it's not true. Cause I say it like that. It's true. Cause I it's true. And I, and, and true because it's true. And I've learned throughout the years in my life that if you say something confidently, just like I said, you put the fucking hat on your head, you walk out confidently, nobody's going to ask you anything, right?

But if you're confident, that's what you learn out of doing standup. When you're doing, when you say, like Brian Callen's one of the best at it. Like he'll tell a story about how he um uh bill burr is great at it uh you there's you'll believe them just because of what they're saying and how they're saying it because they're they believe it and they know it's true and but but i remember b i coming – it's weird to think of – like I always like to think of like how I became the way I am. And like I go back always to like how I was as a child and how I figured stuff out and how I learned about stuff. Like the weirdness, how it grows and turns you into who you're going to become

like like the like when this isn't part of the story but like when i when i when i first went to school when i first i remember when i first my first day of school when i when i woke up uh my dad's like time to get ready for school and I got ready really quickly and I ran downstairs I ran downstairs and I was waiting at the front door and my dad said hey Chris what are you doing like because I was just sitting at the front door and I said and he said we got to go to school said, what? And I looked at him and I said, where's the yellow bus? Like, because I thought, because in my head, I had seen like books and TV and like people get picked up in the school bus, you know, in the yellow bus. And he was like, no, I'm going to take you to school.

You know what I mean? And I was like, oh, there's no yellow bus? And he was like, no. And I went to school in a car which i felt really weird about and when i went and the first day of school and then i did it and then i got home and then the next day i woke up for school my dad woke me up and he said hey chris uh wake up for school and i looked at him and i said again like i was like you got to go to school twice.

It's like that video that went viral the other day about that Barstool Sports posted where the kid's like, I thought because I did sit-ups, my stomach is supposed to shrink. And they're like, no, it takes a little longer than that. I thought when you go to school, once you learn, you're done. But like I remember thinking when I was a kid, that's – this is bullshit. Like I didn't even know what the word bullshit was but in my head, whatever that word was, I was like this is that. Whatever bullshit is, this is that feeling that you got to go again and what? Do the same shit? And I went again and again and again and again,

and every day I woke up until I was out of fucking high school. I thought, again? Again I got to go? Until I was out, and then I went to college for one year, and then I literally was like, what the fuck am I doing, dude?

Get me out of this jail. And I did. And I fucking still wake up sometimes and think, I'm so happy I don't have homework. As a 38-year-old, it kind of petered out over the past probably five, six years. But even in my early 30s, I'd wake petered out of the past, probably five, six years. But even in my early thirties, I'd wake up thinking like no homework today, bitches.

Um, yeah, but that's, that's what I, uh, that's what I, there was something in that story that I wanted to tell. Something happened in that story that I wanted to tell. I can't remember. There was a fucking offshoot thing. Oh yeah. When I went to tell. Something happened in that story that I wanted to tell. I can't remember.

There was a fucking offshoot thing. Oh, yeah. When I went to school, my first day of school, I was so scared, dude. I was paralyzed with fucking fear. I didn't know what the kids were going to think of me. I didn't know if the teacher was going to fucking become evil. Seriously. Seriously, as a kid, I was scared of shit like my teacher is going to kill me.

I thought, oh, my teacher is maybe a demon a demon she's gonna fucking steal me and abduct me i was like not scared petrified of the shit and i my dad dropped me off at school and i was like dad will you please wait outside the classroom like i wanted him to come in wait in the hallway and this and he was like no i can't and i was like dad please and he was't. And I was like, dad, please. And he was like, he just finally was like, okay, whatever he did, whatever he would say to get me in. And I was like, would you wait there really? And he said, yeah, sure. I'll wait right here, I guess. And then I put my head in and I tricked him and I popped it right back out. And I said, you're still here? And he said, yeah, I'm right here. And then I had to go start class.

And then the first break I could, like when I went to go pop my head out, my dad wasn't there. And I was like so crushed that he actually left. And then when I got at home, got home that day, I was like, dad, you said you'd be there. And he was like, well, I fucking had to get you in there somehow. And I'm not going to stay there all day. I had to go to fucking work. But it got easier and easier i guess right because i i went back and back and back i was such a fucking motherfucker you know i really was such a motherfucker i remember when i was in like preschool i remember you know how like i like if I'm like, you don't wear a giant's hat,

you wear a, you get a football helmet. Like I genuinely think that it's stupid to wear a fucking, not you. I don't think you're stupid for it, but I think it's like, what are you doing? If you get a baseball hat with a football team on it, it's too confusing. team on it it's too confusing so so i remember things like that from my childhood like uh we had snack time at fucking mrs pillsbury's which is the preschool i went to pre-k and this little girl was eating this uh wafer i think i talked about this um eating his wafer, I think I talked about this. Eating his wafer, eating her wafer with the tiniest bites, like tiniest fucking bites. And I was looking at her as a preschool kid getting getting pissed in my heart as a kid that like sometimes missed the toilet in my heart i was like i didn't know the word i was it was i didn't know the word like bitch you know in my heart like you know before i knew any better i was like

this fucking chick what the fuck is she doing eating with time you eating with normal bites dude and i couldn't i was like overwhelmed as a kid and i I looked at her until finally I cracked. And it was the first time I cracked. Now I'll do it all day long. I'll say, hey, why are you doing that? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? That's why I have this podcast.

Thank God podcasts were invented for that little child who got so much fucking feeling in his heart from that little girl eating the little fucking bites of a wafer. I'll never forget this. And I said, hey, why are you taking such little bites? You should take normal bites. And she clapped back. She didn't clap back. She was like, looked at me like, what do you mean? She didn't clap back. She looked at me like, what do you mean?

And she ended up saying, she said, and actually now that I think about it, it's really cute. But she said, if I take smaller bites, then it lasts longer. And I remember as a kid thinking, nah, nah. You don't get as much flavor with the small bites you take regular bites and you experience it the way you're supposed to experience it and every bite you get as much flavor as you possibly can you know but she didn't have any of that man she wanted those little bites man she wanted a little bit of flavor for a longer amount of time dude that describes me man if i can fit that fucking whole thing in my mouth that's where it's going man all of it i want that much flavor in my fucking mouth

if you made a wafer and it wasn't big enough for me to enjoy it for long enough you fucked up wafer company that shit is mine immediately now and then gone i consume bro but this little girl you God bless her. Hopefully she's still alive. Take a little bites out of life, right? Yeah, man. But that was the first time I felt like that as a kid. Like, you know what, dude? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't wear a Giants hat. You don't do that. You wear a San Francisco Giants hat. You wear a baseball Giants hat. But you don't wear a fucking New York Giants baseball hat. You get the helmet and you fucking go shopping. That's what you do. Yeah.

Yeah. I think about that too. I wonder what the fuck that girl's doing now, that little girl, I wonder what she's doing, she's probably somewhere wearing a fucking Bengals hat, wearing a fucking, she's probably somewhere wearing a Jets hat, just somewhere at some coffee bean on some other side of the country. She's 40 now, you know. She's 40 now just enjoying her day, just wearing an Oilers baseball hat, an Edmonton Oilers hockey baseball hat,

eating a salad somewhere. I don't know. That's good. It's good to think about. I think it's good to think about your childhood. I think about my childhood. I had a great childhood though. So I guess if you had a bad childhood, it's probably not so good to think about. I remember one time I was, uh, uh, I was so mad at my brother or something or wait, no. Oh wait, no. I was mad at my mom at something. She wouldn't let me do something or something. I was being a fucking brat. And I was like, fuck. Remember when running away was a threat? Like, I'm going to run away. I was like, I'm going to run away, mom.

And she was like, fine, go. And I went and we had like this door before the outside door. We had, well, no, it was like a foyer, I guess. And there was a door to the foyer and then the door outside. And I walked into the foyer and I hid behind the side of the door outside. And I walked into the foyer, and I hid behind the side of the foyer, and my brother started crying because he thought I ran away.

And my mom and my brother was like, he really did it. He ran away. And I fucking, and my mom entered the foyer, and she was like, you didn't run away, you motherfucker. And she grabbed me, and she was like, get back in here.

You make your fucking brother cry. Dude, how insane are kids, man? You're supposed to grow up, bro. I didn't grow up, man. I pull that petty shit now. I'll pretend to run away now, dude. I'll fucking pretend to run away now, man. If you don't like it, dude, I'll run away.

That's it, man. I can't wait to get married. I'll run away. I'll threaten my wife all day long. Okay, I'll run away. Dude, I worked so hard and my, you know, if I have like a housewife, this is sexist, but if I was like, dude, I worked so hard, all I wanted was dinner to be ready on the table. And it wasn't? That's it, I'm running away.

And then just hide in the foyer and then she comes back. You didn't run away. Here's your fucking turkey idiot. This guy, you know, I realized, remember I was asking you guys, should I do guests or not? I didn't really want your fucking opinion, but when I, uh, but, um, I, uh, I, uh, some guy came up to me once at the end of one of my shows in, uh, somewhere. And he was like, uh, you know what, dude, I really like your podcast, but I think that it might be cool if you did do guests

i think you should and then i was thinking ah and then i thought about it more and i was like that guy's a fucking if that guy's and i think that guy's like not that smart because here's the deal you do realize if i if i had guests on my podcasts it would be a completely different fucking podcast i wouldn't be able to do some of the bits that i do and you know the stream of consciousness thing would be gone and i think some of you tune in for that shit but uh it'd be gone i'd have to interview some guy who wrote a book or some shit and we'd be talking about fucking you know pelicans and i then i'd start to be like you know what pelicans are fucked up because they got that long beak but they don't need it that long and they got a fucking thing and it's like when they're

walking they should be flying and i'm saying all my shit and then some boring ass motherfucker who wrote the book about pelicans will be like, well, you know, the interesting thing about pelicans is that they're actually not monogamous, even though everyone thinks about it. And then I got to listen to this guy fucking talk about some boring shit? Dude, if you think I should have guests from this podcast, what I want you to do is... I want you to turn around, dude. That's what I want you to do.

Turn around. That's the soundboard, dude. Turn around. You think I should have guests dude guess what i'm chris d'alia i'll never have guests nice dude oh nice you know i could have guests if i wanted to because it's free conch, but see ya. Yeah, dude, we're doing the sound.

Dude, this is awesome, man. We're just having the soundboard is soundboard. Yes. Day of all time, dude. Fuck.

Yeah. Us creating the soundboard, man, a picture of us just on the fucking computer, making it nice. And then we're fucking another cut to us. Fucking drawing a thing, a mock thing of the soundboard. cut to us fucking drawing a thing a mock thing of the soundboard and then us looking at it on a whiteboard and then cutting to us jogging for

no reason and then cutting back to us on the computer and then a cut to a fucking printed out blueprint of us having the fucking soundboard and then a cut to a cut to us playing it on the computer and we're so fucking happy dude and then a cut to us fucking and then the computer and we're so fucking happy, dude. And then a cut to us fucking, and then it stops. And then we go, well, here's the moment of truth. You think it'll work? I don't know. Click it. And then, and then it plays all over again and it's a loop like Inception, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Soundboards. That's right, dude. dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Soundboards are... That's right, dude. Fuck. That's right, dude.

That's right, dude. North Carolina and South Carolina. South Carolina and North Carolina. Mississippi and Carolina, North Carolina. Mississippi, Mississippi, Mississippi, Carolina. Fucking Florida. Fucking rap songs always calling out fucking areas, dude. Remember that Huey Lewis song that did it?

The heart of rock and roll. The heart of rock and roll is in New York, San Francisco, Chicago, fucking Vancouver, India, man, Texas, Dallas and Houston. Don't forget about Austin. Rock and roll, you fucking Vancouver, India, Texas, Dallas and Houston. Don't forget about Austin. Rock and roll. You fucking bitch, dude. Just trying to appeal to everybody. Dude, you're like the fucking black guy who wears the jacket with all the NBA teams on it.

Dude, you just like the NBA. you don't even have a team the fuck out of here how about that dude one time i saw a guy who wore the the fucking jacket with all the nba teams on it and then he had a fucking orlando magic baseball hat on. Ah, dude. What? So is that your favorite? I was looking so desperately for the Orlando. I was like, did they leave out the Orlando Magic on the jacket or something? It was probably there. I couldn't find it.

But, oh, man. It was so funny. Black guys will wear that fucking jacket until they die, bro. They love that jacket with all the NBA teams on it, with all the logos on it, bro. That's so funny, man. That they'll wear my dude. They'll wear that. And you know what Mexicans wear a baseball hat and they don't give a shit what is on it.

I never seen a race where a fucking wear something that they don't care what's on it more than mexican guys they will wear a fucking charlotte hornets baseball hat and you'll be like oh you like the charlotte hornets and they'll literally be they'll literally say what and you'll be like the charlotte hornets hat huh you got a charlotte hornet you charlotteet fan? And they'll go, oh. That's the fucking white guy version of the fucking Carnation Rose shorts. You know what I'm saying? What are you looking at, that guy? What is that?

Just the picture of it? What's his name, guy jr dude when that guy how could you fuck up that bad when he did that thing i've got a picture here of jr smith wearing a basketball jersey with all the logos on it is that real or is that photoshopped it's got to be photoshopped right okay how and it's got the supreme thing on it i was watching the thing about uh uh toys that made us on netflix that made us on netflix and i was watching the hello kitty episode dude what the fuck is hello kitty man it's unbelievable it's so popular it's's worth like $5 billion.

And it's basically supreme. They'll literally put Hello Kitty on anything. And that's it. Yeah. How much is it? $400? New NBA basketball, hardwood classics, Hamilton. Oh.

Is it $400? New NBA basketball, hardwood classics, Hamilton. New NBA hardwood classics, Hamilton leather, all teams patch jacket. Selling on eBay. You're wondering if they have your size? Well, this one is a seven extra large how fucking american is that that first of all they have all the basketball teams nothing more american maybe baseball than basketball with all the teams because you can't make up your mind because you're a fucking and it's fatter than shit the only time you could buy that is if you're on my 600 pound life and then you'd be like i can't wait to fucking get my tummy tuck

or i can't wait to get my my stomach shrunk so i can get that so i don't have to wear that jacket anymore i could get a regular hornetets jacket seven extra large what are you floating what is it a fucking what are you gonna get married in it somebody's holding your train on the back in the back that's so fucking there's nothing more rich fuck you than uh uh having having a fucking what's it say original price was $1,600 who material lambskin leather condition new gender men i mean gender giant team nba all team patch jacket colors multi-color i mean you can see that you don't have to read it oh wow Colors, multicolor. I mean, you can see that. You don't have to read it. Oh, wow.

Seven extra large, dude. In case you have nine shoulders. Oh, my God. Seven extra large. Oh, fuck. Yeah, but there's nothing more rich fuck you than having a wedding first of all and then having a train on your wedding dress and then having fucking people carry it behind you oh man all right we're gonna wrap this up dude um

um fuck man we laughed Third leg and fourth leg of the tour is up Or whatever Third leg of the tour is up Not fourth leg of the tour Third leg of the tour Ottawa, London, Ontario Buffalo, Burlington, Philadelphia

Washington, New York I'm just going to say the states New Jersey, Ontario, Buffalo, Burlington, Philadelphia, Washington, New York. I'm just going to say the states. New Jersey, Oregon, Washington, B.C., Vancouver, Florida. Some of the things in Florida, Georgia. Some of the ones in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Massachusetts, California, Fresno. Other ones in Bakersfield, Austin. This is the Follow the Leader Tour. Who's coming to San Antonio?

Get your tickets now, dude. We got Delaware coming up this week. Delaware coming up this week. Mashantucket, Connecticut. Change it. And that's about it, dude. Las Vegas, Reno, Portland, Maine, Hampton Beach, New Hampshire, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Midwest City, Oklahoma.

Follow the Leader Tour is coming So subscribe to our YouTube So Square Cash, check out the new Boost Rewards program, get the Cash app enter rewards code congrats get $5, give $5 to Time's Up get it for iOS or Android now Subscribe to the YouTube

channel please, every new video has every new video. Every week, Tuesday or Wednesday, we come out with a new video. So subscribe to the YouTube channel. And we got something exciting here. We got 100,000 subscribers. And on the video podcast, you'll be able to see me hold this up. This is our plaque for the 100,000 subscribers,

so thank you, YouTube, with a nice little letter they sent it to us. And I think we're already at, like, almost 140 subscribers, so, dude, I don't mean to be like this, but... So to Weston... Oh! DJ Khaled! Khaled with the music! Oh, DJ Kavik. Kavik music.

Fucking two-foot Akon. Kavik music. Coming out with little baby Kavik jeans on. So download the Chris D'Elia app for iOS or Android now, and you can be with me live when I shoot the podcast and do the podcast, which is sometimes a day or two before. Yeah, a day or two before. Yeah, or a day before at least. Subscribe, rate, and review the show.

It really helps. If you're a baby and if you're a part of this cult, you've got to do that. You've got to do all these things because it helps us grow, and we've got to kick it into high gear. We've got to kick it into high gear. It's not like the end of days are coming. Because this cult isn't about the end of days. This cult is about living that hedonistic lifestyle. So, that's it. Thanks for listening, guys.

And remember, dude, freedom. Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking Motherfucking

Motherfucking Motherfucking