Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 75. Executive Produced By You

Episode Date: July 2, 2018

It's the 75th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about LeBron James moving to the Lakers. Also discussed: Drake's new album Scorpion, people who say 'Lake Show', cuttlefish mating, world population battle royale, and Guitar Hero. Plus, Chris answers a bunch questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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the Cash App's latest feature, Cash Boost. Download the Cash App, get your free Cash Card, and select your boost. Save money when you swipe on stuff like coffee, Chipotle, Shake Shack, and more. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. It's episode 75. We're close to 100, three-fourths of the way. And all the babies are checking in, and we are listening. Portland, Maine. There are a few tickets left to my show on Thursday,

and then I'm coming to Hampton Beach, New Hampshire, which I think is sold out. And Connecticut in Foxwoods. We're doing the casino, and I have the late show. There's still tickets left, but the first show is sold out. And Connecticut in Foxwoods, we're doing a casino. And I have the late show. There's still tickets left. The first show is sold out. So come on by. Episode 75.

Congratulations. And just one day closer to getting to that log cabin. That's it. I'm in Los Angeles now doing the podcast, and I'm happy. I've been home for a little bit. I'm enjoying it. I don't know what I'm doing for the 4th of July. My backyard is in shambles.

I am redoing my backyard because I'm taking out the fake grass. When I bought the house, there was fake grass, and the guy was like, it's really cool because it's called smart grass. No, fake grass is shit grass. It doesn't matter what you call call it you can call it genius grass it's a piece of shit your dog shit on it and then you got to fucking scoop it up and then hey wait what the fuck how does it get wash wash itself it's if it doesn't grow it sucks fake grass fucking sucks it's not smart grass it's dumb grass it's shit, okay, so I'm putting in stone, and I guess that's fucking, I don't know, but that's what I'm doing, and of course, it's

taking longer than it should, of course, it's taking longer than it should, because they say it's gonna be done Tuesday, it's not gonna be done Tuesday, it's not gonna be done Saturday, it's not gonna be done next week, of course, it takes long, because you gotta call the city, you gotta get your permits, you gotta do all the shit, and it's annoying as fuck, course it takes a long because you gotta call the city you gotta get your permits you gotta do all the shit and it's annoying as fuck anyway i'm taking the grass out uh and lebron's coming to la first thought i had about lebron coming to la was literally audibly i go like this oh fuck because the traffic it's gonna suck and there's gonna be so many people who are bandwagoners trying to get on. They want to go to the game now because they want to see LeBron.

You are a fucking barracuda. You see a fucking shiny necklace and you flock to it. You are a fish. You are a cuda. No. Dude, you know what I know? You know what? I don't go to Laker games.

Now I know I'm definitely not going to a Laker game because I'm not going because I'm not going just because some fucking new players there. And now some hot chicks are going to be there and they're going to be trying to convince me to go with their Instagram pictures. God damn, motherfucker, with their Instagram pictures, right? They're going to be so much. Watch Braun play. They're going to do that with their fucking titties out. Go into the Lake Show show don't say lake show it's the lakers you call the diamondbacks d-backs get the fuck out of here go shopping i don't

i don't know you know the first thing i thought of was all for fuck's sake, the goddamn traffic. That's what I thought. That's how much I'm sure somehow I have a kid out there because that's what a dad would say. Oh, great. LeBron, you hear him from the other room. Great. Fucking great. No, dad's mad.

What? I have fucking LeBon's coming to la you know what that's gonna mean from fucking 4 30 to 8 30 on fucking laker games you're not gonna be you're not gonna be able to go anywhere god damn it and even though i'm in la i have a new york accent god damn it fucking lebron you're not gonna be able to go anywhere for fuck's sake god damn it and just fucking a white shirt and boxers with those like what are the what remember what guys would wear like suspenders with boxers what the fuck was that shit in like 1940 to keep their boxers up or no you know what i'm thinking of the fucking keeping their socks up from the

boxers on the bottom of the how stupid was that fucking thing how old-fashioned can you be yeah but dude lebron and then braun people are gonna call him braun and then people are gonna go on braun braun and then brawny with the slam and then and then they're gonna fucking you know what he is he's french to me lebron it stands for the braun lebron that's how i'm saying his name from now on. Oh my god, I can't believe the Lakers got LeBron. Also, he's got an upside down

head. I can't trust somebody with upside down head. With the fucking beard hair longer than the fucking hair hair. Can't, can't, I can't get into it, dude. It makes me, flip your head upside down have the fucking longer hair on the top of the head and then the fucking cut you know i just can't fucking scream for another guy and be like fuck yeah go you know what I'm saying I can't do that

maybe that means I'm a beta but I can't fucking scream for another guy you fucking go yes yes go a bunch of guys that makes me feel bitch like I'm maybe it's a shortcoming for me

I'm doing my own shit well they are actually when I go out on stage I don't know I don't like anybody that much you know. I'm like, I'm doing my own shit. Nobody's fucking, well, they are actually when I go out on stage. I don't know. I don't like anybody that much. You know what I'm saying? I don't like anybody that much. And I for sure don't like a team that much. There's some assholes on that team probably, right? How about that guy who fucked up the game? JR or whatever. the game uh jr or whatever i can't do it i can't i i don't know also they're throwing a ball around i know i did a bit on incorrigible about this but i still feel that way go bron i did just to see the instagram pictures that these fucking idiot girls are going to take, dude, with their tits out. Favorite place in LA, the Lake Show.

And they're going to hashtag it so other fucking fat fuck sports guys will see it and follow them and be like, Damn, she's hot. The Lake Show. The Lake Show. The Lake No. I knew LeBron was going to be in LA. Because the Lakers get everybody like the fucking goddamn Yankees do. I'm surprised that LeBron didn't go to the Yankees.

That's what it would have been. That wouldn't have surprised me. If they were like, Leon signs 150 million dollar contract for one year he's taking what was the guy's name johnny damon spot was that the guy he was a and and i mean years ago right but he was a yankee right that's how much i know about sports lebron is playing with the yankees he is going to be playing right field because that's where everybody who sucks goes he is going to be playing whatever jordan or center field because right field can be can make up for it and left field can make up for it so he will be playing center field the worst position and the yankees are paying him and he's going to have to cut his beard

because the yankees have a fucking rule about long hair or some stupid shit like that fuck organizations you know fuck how sports teams are called organizations. It's a game. I don't know, man. Hey, what's up with Terry Crews? What the fuck is he doing, man? Somebody grabbed your cock. What are you doing putting on a suit,

talking into a microphone about it what are you doing going to the what are you doing trying to fucking go to the supreme court i don't know where he is he's talking to congress or some shit he gave some speech on sexual assault and it was about a producer that did it. That grabbed his cock. Now granted, that producer shouldn't do it. That producer's a piece of shit. But stop acting like you're a survivor. You know why? There's firemen.

You know why? People have been in tsunamis. Somebody grabbed your cock? Ah, you had a bad day. And motherfucker, I had somebody grab my cock violently and it hurt. Now, it was an old lady and it was outside

the comedy store. Look, I love how Terry Crews was like, when he held my genitals in my hand, he held, while he held my genitals in my hand, he held, he, while he held my genitals in his hand was that he held the power. No, he didn't. You played football.

Ah. Dude. Ah. Smash him. Oh, he held your balls? Smash him. Oh, he held your balls? Smash him. What? Ah!

Dude, if a guy grabbed my balls, I don't care if it's Jesus Christ. You get Chris smashed. You know how Hulk has Hulk smash? I do Chris smash. Even if it's bigger, beat the shit out of me then but dude you're not grabbing my nutso's the lady why weren't you you're a big powerful man why didn't you what is this world look I I'm a I'm a terry cruz fan man i like terry cruz i think that he's a funny guy he's a good actor but if someone grabs your cock hey terry cruz smash him i don't know some guy fuck aren't you a guy when you're a guy aren't you just waiting for another

guy to do some shit to you isn't that just kind of like what being a guy's like when you're out in public somebody bumps in you all right motherfucker here we go what the fuck you doing this guy just stood there aren't aren't isn't that just what it is being a guy? I don't know. And I would. How long ago was it to that that happened? Was he already famous? I feel like you already had some shit popping.

Maybe not. like you already had some shit popping maybe not terry cruz follows police report on groping i don't know when it was but oh wait here it is here it is two years ago he said and that was in the 17 2017 like he was already famous as shit he already did the on that that movie with all the other action movies stars in it i don't know man i mean sexual assault's no joke obviously don't grab somebody's fucking nuts imagine a guy grabbing your nuts and not fucking fighting him. I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't if the guy was super.

I don't know. I haven't been in that situation where another guy grabbed my. I don't think I have. Where another guy grabbed my nuts like that. Wow. Yeah, no. Hollywood has a fucking huge power dynamic problem, obviously. Look at Harvey Weinstein.

Man, that guy's going to fucking. They just said he could serve life in jail, huh? What of shit that guy deserves it you know it's just uh wow imagine imagine being what a that's you know that's the thing man here's the here's the thing we in hollywood i swear to god i have this theory where if you're a guy that's an alpha and you're just cool, quote unquote, your whole life, you have no reason to be a shithead because you just kind of were always a dude that kind of heard yes and no and also got what he wanted and what he didn't want. you know, heard yes and no, and also got what he wanted and what he didn't want. You know, uh, nobody gets what they want all the time, but you were a guy that just kind of like, you got to watch out for the fucking nerds. Like Harvey Weinstein was a fucking dork. Like he was a fucking dork. You know, he was looking at me. It looks like a fucking dork you know he was look at him he looks like a fucking brick wall a puffy brick wall and like and like when you get power you got to be real fucking careful with guys like that because then they're like now i got all the power

and you and they and a lot of those guys abuse it. They don't all abuse it. But these guys think that they can do shit and get away with it because of the fact that now they've got all this power and they don't know how to wield that power. Now, I'm not saying that guys who are quote unquote cool guys don't do bad shit. Of course they do. quote-unquote cool guys don't do bad shit of course they do but there's something about that revenge motherfucker that is just like and you can tell who these motherfuckers are man you can tell who these motherfuckers are like i don't know. Look at, like, look at Chris Hardwick.

You're telling me that. Now, I don't know where I fall on that whole thing because I heard her story and then I heard his story. And I was like, oh, well, she cheated on him and tried to get back with him. And now you hear that and you're like, oh, wait a minute, right, after all that shit. But you're telling me Chris Hardwick doesn't look like a guy that would be like, I don't want you hanging out with other guy friends. You're telling me he doesn't look like that? He's a self-proclaimed nerd with now power. That's what he's going to do.

going to do unless he seriously tries to reflect on himself and tries not to be that person and is a self-reflective person but why would you be when you own the internet it's too easy and people wanted to go to bat for him too because he was this like beta that became an alpha. You can't make betas alphas. It fucks it up. Dude, I was watching this thing on YouTube about a cuttlefish. And there are these cuttlefish. And a cuttlefish is this ugly looking fucking fish. No, it's actually not even a fish. It's like a mollusk. It's the same thing as a clam, right?

And the mollusk, the the same thing as a clam right and the mollusk the the the the male cuttlefish are big and they uh and they hide and the male cuttlefish are big and so they take the female cuttlefish and they fuck them right now some of the the beta male cuttlefish aren't big and so here's how the male cuttlefish will fuck the female cuttlefish the female cuttlefish aren't big. And so here's how the male cuttlefish will fuck the female cuttlefish. The female cuttlefish will go under the male cuttlefish for like protection. And then the male cuttlefish will fuck the females because they're protecting them. Some of the lesser, the smaller male cuttlefish don't have a chance because they don't, women don't women, the females,

they don't want to go under the, those guys. Cause there's not enough protection. So the male Cuttlefish will disguise themselves as female Cuttlefish, go under the male Cuttlefish and then fuck the females under there. Ah, you're telling that they're getting crafty motherfuckers. They're getting crafty,

dude. These are these beta motherfuckers out there these are these harvey weinstein motherfucking ass bitches dude that's what harvey weinstein did he went under the real motherfucking alpha he found in a backdoor way and he's pretending he's this guy and he's and he's taking what he wants it's the guy's fault but it's also the You can't reward these dudes for doing shit like that. We can't put... You can't make betas alphas. You can't do it.

You can't do it. I mean, Donald Glover is getting in all sorts of trouble now because he fucking ripped that song. Why the fuck are you surprised about that? You put him on an untouchable pedestal. If I say I don't like Donald Glover, people will just say I'm racist. That's fucking crazy. Now, I don't not like Donald Glover. I'm just giving an example. That's fucking crazy now i don't not like donald glover i'm just giving an example that's fucking crazy the fact that oh no he did that you can't make a beta and alpha dude i've been in the same room as you can't you know we don't i i get it we don't live

in the fucking time where the biggest strongest male matters anymore it just it doesn't and that's that's good by the way because we figured out how to cure can't cure uh diseases you know we can't cure fucking everything but we can cure uh a lot of shit that's because of smart beta ass motherfuckers you know their alphas in their field but with if every if the shit hit the fan and nukes hit nukes hit the world and there were a few guys left those guys get fucking eaten and fucked by the alphas. I mean, dude, I asked my buddy, who's beta-ish, I was like, yo, if the whole world

fought each other, everyone for themselves, seven billion people in the world however many people what place you think it come in and he said the whole world i said yeah every man for every man woman for themselves actually said every man for themselves and he's like i don't know maybe like three billion that area and i was like well you got to figure half of them are women right so you could probably beat up almost all of the women, right? And he was like, okay, yeah.

So he's like, what about you? And I was like, I think I would come in a billion, maybe a billion two, you know? And he was like, so you think you could beat up and best and kill six billion people in this world before you die and i would say maybe you know i mean you got to take into account how many fucking first of all half of them are women i could i maybe i can't beat up every woman but like a lot of them so that's half let's just say half okay so 7.6 billion people in the world that halves it to three point whatever eight a lot of them are are babies how many babies are there i mean let's just say how many babies and then elderly i could beat all of those them up so

a billion i mean how many are elderly and under 14 because i bet there's some 15 year olds that could beat the living shit out of me no it was probably a fucking 14 year old croatian out there that could beat the shit out of me. I bet there's an 11-year-old Croatian that could beat the fucking... No, just beat the shit out of me and walk out like he just went to the supermarket. Like there was no fight involved. Croatians are fucking... Jesus Christ, dude. The hardest guy I ever fucking sparred with was a Croatian.

It was like wrestling a wall. And that's, yeah. So I would say a billion, I would come in. And maybe I would get lucky a lot of the time, too. I'm also probably smarter than a lot of people. So I would, maybe a billion. But, like, once you get to, like healthy places like la i'm fucked i'd actually probably die way earlier in la but if i was in like midwest city oklahoma i'd be although there

are a lot of big fucking corn oscar guys out there god i wonder where you know where probably a good place to be is, if that happens, is like Portland or Seattle with a bunch by the time you know the bigger guys got to portland or seattle i could uh uh you know but yeah that's uh that yeah because i would say vancouver or some shit but they got some big fucking canadians man anyway um i don't know what we were talking about but you can't't it's tough man when you start rewarding these beta motherfuckers you know there's just there's a pecking order you can't act like there's not you know

I don't know maybe I get in fucking I probably get heat for that but I mean I guess it's all supposed to be funny but maybe not maybe i'm being too serious i'm just fucking who knows whatever fuck it um i i listened to the uh to the drake album uh which uh i liked actually i thought it was better than his last few albums. Who gives a fuck what I think about a Drake album?

Like, it matters. You know what drives me nuts, too, is that, like, Drake or somebody or anybody, any artist will spend, like, years working on something, and then someone will be like, yeah, it's pretty good. Like, you fucking asshole. So, like, I'm basically doing the thing I hate. Like, I'm not trying to review the – it drives me nuts when it drives me nuts when people, and I say, and I said this and I think this, but like, it drives me nuts when people say what I'm going to say, but like, yeah, it was better

than his last two albums. Like, fuck me. Who the fuck am I to say? I don't know anything about the Drake lives this shit, you know? Anyway, I, but I did, I didn't like the fucking last two albums. Oh, by the way, it's okay to say a Kanye album sucks, because he takes fucking seven days to do it, so go fuck yourself with that, eight days, he admitted he didn't write any lyrics, or didn't even have the song, write any lyrics for eight days before the album came out, go fuck yourself, you know, and these assholes will just buy it. It doesn't matter. Scoop-dee-poop-woop-doop. They don't give a shit.

You fucking... I listened to that Kanye album and I was like, all right, so? But the Drake album's good, man. And I mean, he just makes good music. And... But like It's so millennial

You know I mean Fucking 45% of it is about Instagram Have you heard the albums? Have you heard the album? He's just like oh yeah you liking pictures You like my picture There's so many lines like that that he's like you won't follow

me and i follow and you got mad because of who i'm following like a few a little of that is good but there's like basically a song called instagram or some shit oh oh i saw the photos you was tagged in People have to be talking about that by the way About how he's talking about Instagram a lot I mean he talks about Instagram so much on his album I like your picture. You like mine. I want to make a rap.

You know what he should have done? He should have just made a song called Instagram. And then it would have been. Yeah. and then it would have been, yeah, and then it would have been just taking care of all of those lines. But how about the fact that he's making, I thought this shit was corny as fuck actually. He put up an Instagram post where you can buy a scorpion jacket and put your name on it like and say executive produced by but it's not

executive produced by you so what does that mean why would you you can buy a jacket and engrave it or whatever the embroider it this idiot uh and buy it for 150 and you can just put your name on it. And it says exec. Imagine wearing a fucking jacket. That says. Imagine me buying a fucking scorpion jacket. A Drake jacket.

Supporting Drake. About his album. That's fine. But then embroidering it. Executive produced by Chris D'Elia. When I had nothing to do with it except for streaming it. Imagine even wearing that fucking jacket if you did executive produce the album Scorpion. Also, I was listening to the Drake album and i kept listening to like 12 songs

and then stopping it and then starting it over again i had no idea it was quote unquote a double album or whatever i didn't know also there's no double albums anymore because there's no cds but b side a side and b side there's no sides anymore it's all streaming i had no idea and then i heard fucking ratchet happy birthday and i was like huh have you seen the fucking video of uh dj khaled dancing around to what was the fucking song uh no just go to the track list uh uh it was that how you that uh no it's on the second side uh night no not nice for what in my in my feelings so buzzy huh in my feelings um and then he's dancing around dude dj call it is seven years old i don't give a fuck you know who he is he's jack that fucking movie with with uh um robin williams where he grows too

fast and he's just like running around dancing just so fat but so doesn't give a fuck and then oh man it was so funny he's like he does it makes me want to do the nay nay and then it makes you and he's like he does it makes me want to do the nay-nay and then it makes you and he's like or whatever dance this is called and then he does the fucking dance that all the fuck all the kids are doing that shit that video kind of made me like dj khaled though the guy's just fucking i mean he's so annoying but also like he's it's so american like he's just the quintessential American dream. And then he just runs at the end of the video. I retweeted it,

but he just is like, he's, I was so bad. His dancing. He says, and then he just runs the end of the video. He just runs. Who's a video record.

Who's recording this? His wife, his, his, his wife. That that's just like doesn't want to be doing this but it's like i mean my life's amazing fuck it yeah or the little baby's videoing it the little baby can't video shit also can't produce an album how about that so stop saying he's a goddamn executive producer of an album. He executive produced Scorpion. You know what? I guarantee, I guarantee fucking DJ Khaled gets one of those Scorpion jackets executive produced by Asad Khaled for sure in an extra, extra, extra, extra small. I'm going to do these fucking ads here. Is this it? Okay.

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i uh i did a tweet about guitar hero maybe that fucking game Guitar Hero I don't even know it's probably still a thing they probably have like you know what they probably have you know what always happens

in video games like it'll be a big popular hit and then you'll forget about it and then you'll find out in like Japan they have 47 versions of it and now you can play

Guitar Hero as Blanca or Ryu but it was like play Guitar Hero as Blanca or Ryu. But it was like a video game where you could play as a... Oh God, it was the worst, stupidest fucking video game I've ever seen.

I mean, then they had Rock Band and DJ Hero. I mean, then they had rock band and DJ Hero. I mean, hitting, literally all you were doing was hitting a button when a thing told you to hit the button. Play the real guitar. Some people were so good, it's just, learn the real guitar. Get puss. God, these dork-ass motherfuckers playing guitar.

And I wrote, I did a tweet what was it I just said you know here we go and the internet's not working you know what sucked that video game Guitar Hero

if you played that and were good at it, you were a piece of shit person. And it got 20,000 likes. Okay? Now, I didn't expect that. And then I wrote, it is just like, play the real guitar instead.

It's an actual skill and it leads to more fucking. It's just like, you know, and then some asshole says, on killer queen expert mode dude uh like yeah okay i i just like you're you're hitting a button when and i know that's kind of what all video games are but not really you can you can do other thing in other video i don't like the games where to you got to hit a button when it says hit a button. And that's all Guitar Hero is. It's just really fast and colorful. And it's really fucking stupid.

And people were so good at it. And that's dumb. Because play the real guitar. People were so good at it and not good at the guitar. And didn't know how to play the guitar. That's ridiculous. And so many people liked it and retweeted it, and then so many people were like,

oh, you just weren't good at it, yeah, no shit, because I didn't play it, I don't even know if I ever tried it, but I saw it a lot, my roommates would play it when I was younger, and dude, oh my God, My roommates would play it when I was younger. And, dude, oh, my God.

Oh, Black Betty, bam, my lamb. I think that was on it. Was that on it? No. Dude, it was just like, who knows? But you just hit the, this is it, basically what it is. But it's so fast.

You can't, dork central. You're imitating something. And as a matter of fact, dorks get good at the guitar to become cool. You're doing the dorkier, you're doing the dorky version of what a dork does. That's how fucking sad your life is. If you're good at guitar hero.

You know what I mean? A dork is like, how do I get chicks to pay attention to me? And then someone created a guitar, and now you've got these heroin-chic, tattooed-up, badass motherfuckers that can play really well and get chicks. And that's awesome. They figured out a skill. But you're doing what the dorky fake version of what a dork does.

Do the real thing. It's amazing, actually. People just don't want to go outside outside they just want to be in their home imagine buying that little bitch-ass guitar imagine going and picking that up and then it was like rock band hero where you had a fucking guitar and then drums and then a guy with a fucking bass and a harmonica it's like your whole house is a fucking recording studio that doesn't record shit and instead of actual instruments you got toys i'd love you know what i would love if rock band was around look at these dorky ass drums that you can get for fucking rock band one's red and yellow and blue and green

oh god but like imagine if rock band was around in the 80s how many non-musicians there would be that are musicians now. Like Phil Collins maybe wouldn't have existed because he would have just been like, no, I just like to play fucking Hail to the Queen on X-Men. No, I don't know fucking, I didn't make Genesis the group. It's too busy in my room. Pressing red when a TV told me to press red.

So bad, dude. I would love it, dude. You know, there's probably so many people that, you know what, thank God. There's probably so many people not making bad music now because they just got hooked on Guitar Hero. Thank you, Guitar Hero. Thank you, rock band. Thank you, Rock Band. Isn't there a DJ one? By the way, I know nothing about that.

Couldn't even, if you gave me five days to try and figure out what that is and not use the internet, I wouldn't be able to do it. I'd be at square one for five days. the internet i wouldn't be able to do it i'd be at square one for five days dj a dj isn't even a real thing i mean unless you're producing the music which is not what probably dj band rock fucking dj is doing dj hero look at how stupid it is. Look how fucking dumb it is. Look how much that fuck...

The whole thing's jerking around. The little bitch-ass toy just... Jerk off. Just go in your room and jerk off. DJ Hero. An expert. just go in your room and jerk off dj hero on expert dude dj djing isn't even really a thing dude what that's the that's the key you do to do the thing to make a game out of the thing that's already a game is really it's really the thing isn't that the fucking truth though that's why video games are so fucking big but i always but i guess call of duty or like that's my you know

a mock-up of how real war is it's not that's not a game i mean call of duty is a game obviously but not war obviously but like oh man rock band i can't get over how dorky that is. I thought about that after I tweeted it and for a good hour and a half, I was just thinking about how fucking dorky that is. And I was laughing by myself, rolling around in my car, still laughing about it. You know, you motherfuckers don't get it, dude.

I laugh by myself all day long. I see people in convertibles. I laugh. I see a guy wearing a fucking stupid bandana and sunglasses at the gym. I laugh. I laugh. I don't hide it. I laugh.

I go, oh, next to him. Because fuck him, dude. If you're going to wear that, you get the reactions. Nobody ever comes up to me and says, what are laughing at too that that blows my mind guys being guys oh my god dude what's that dude there's a fucking soccer player named subasic subasic wow that's funny one fire just pulled up a guy who tweeted me. So basic. Wow, more than one people did it. The cult is strong, man.

The cult is strong. Wow. Wow. I just can't alright what else we got here I don't know did you guys see that movie Hereditary everyone's flipping out about Hereditary did you guys see it it's

we're getting to the point where horror movies and you know it kept my interest in all that shit and we're just getting to the point where horror movies like are just like doing the things that horror movies and you know it kept my interest in all that shit and we're just getting to the point where horror movies like are just like doing the things that horror movies have been doing like you like the the like how many times can it be interesting where you think you see something in the dark and then you turn it on and then the guy's not there anymore or how many times are they going to do this shot where the person's on the ceiling like this looking backwards at the guy how many times they can do that oh and oh and a creepy kid again a creepy kid again only this time it look the kid's face it looks weird or something i don't know what would the kids

like it's a little off-putting the face of the kid maybe i shouldn't say that because it's a kid um really good acting in the movie though i just like what what is up with the fucking horror movies just having a creepy kid and then you gotta fucking have the guy those are the scenes you gotta have you gotta have a creepy kid and you got to have the scene where something is in the dark and then you turn it on and it's not there anymore. And not only do you not notice, does the character not notice? The character thinks they notice something and they turn on the light and they see it's not there. And in their head, they're like, Oh, it was nothing.

But us as audience members knows, we know that's that there was a person there because it was there. And so it's like, it doesn't make sense because you would fucking know, dude, you wouldn't think you saw something. Well, also it wouldn't happen in real life.

You'd fucking, if there was a person there, there'd be a person there. Hey, but there were some freaky and scary moments, though. But the way people are flipping out about the movie is making, is like, come on. I'm not saying it's bad, but come on. It's got all the things that horror movies would have and why is the girl why is the lady make miniatures what is that all about it i didn't

understand maybe i'm the dummy by the way but there was like no reason for that like she literally would just the scary shit would happen and then she'd just be like painting a small house and setting up stick figure or dolls. And one time she was setting up a doll fucking holding her titty and feeding it to the daughter or something. Why? It had nothing to do with the movie. It was just creepy, I guess. Like don't make shit creepy just to be creepy. I'm just getting to the point where I don't even want to see movies anymore.

I just want to look at fucking Instagrams of dogs. Seriously. Dude, I could stare at a dog like it's a painting. Fuck art. I want to go to a museum where there's just dogs around and you just look at dogs. Now, I know that that's a pet shelter, but also it's not. I want to have the dogs, just even pictures of dogs they're so good man i follow this golden retriever account on instagram and it's on man i watch that shit and it is on

i i i watch it like it's a fucking i look at it like people look at salvador dali paintings i watch it like it's fucking the the show the affair you know on showtime never seen that show god women love that show the affair right women love shows about cheating god women love shows about cheating. What is that, right? Because guys are usually the ones that cheat. But what is it about women that love shows about cheating? You know why? It's because their relationships, most of the time, all relationships,

when they get older, they become sexless. And girls won't cheat, but guys will. But girls will, like, watch the shows and be like, I want that. That's like, that's pretty funny actually. Like, I mean, girls cheat too, of course, but not as much, I guess, right? I don't like when guys are like, oh, yeah, but do girls cheat just as much as guys? No, they don't, dude.

No, they don't. They don't even cheat as close to as much as guys do. Guys have all this fucking sperm in their balls and need to get it out, you know? Girls don't have anything to get out. Girls have to release one thing a month. The eggs. Guys have to release one thing a month. The eggs. Guys have to release.

Guys. Got calm. Guys. Uncom. Guys want to come. Guys uncom. And then cut to the Jeff. Of the fucking blonde hair guy blinking guys want come all the

time i'm doing it on the video podcast it's a bitch to tell people listeners that i'm doing it on the video podcast i'm gonna start doing that meme in real life fuck that i'm doing that meme in real life from now on when somebody says something i'm gonna go gotta look at the video podcast for that babies um i love i love looking at dogs and you'll never take that away from me dude you'll never take that away from me i'll look at cute dogs and there are some ugly fucking dogs out there and I will not look at those. Afghan hounds? Are you kidding me? Those dogs are so ugly. I'll tell them to their face. I'll look at a fucking Afghan

hound and I'll say, you're an ugly fuck, aren't you? You're an ugly fucking dog. And the owner would be upset, but I don't care. Don't get an African hound. You did look ugly as shit. And then you try to style the hair, it looks worse. Poodles are fine. If you cut it like a fun thing, you fucked up. Oh, congratulations, you got an ugly dog.

How about when people try to pretend, oh, but it's so ugly, it's cute. Nope, ugly. Oh, but I just love because it's so, no, scares the shit out of kids. Leave it. I, uh, and also I had a buddy that had a pet pig growing up. And we lived in fucking La Cunada, California. Not, you know what I mean? Montana or wherever they fucking have pigs. I don't even know where they have pigs.

Texas somewhere probably because of bacon. And they're so fat over there. God, it's so Texan to be a fat Texan. You know? With a big cowboy hat and fucking boots. And a belt buckle. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore. Maybe I'm devolving here.

Um. You want to do some questions? Let's see some twitter questions babies i'm sweating i'm not sweating all that much i cranked the air up that's why uh this this i saw this actually john lindros at john lindros one i was at a deli and i ordered a pulled pork sandwich without coleslaw the woman working there kept trying to convince me to get coleslaw even though I don't like it and already asked for my sandwich without it. What would you do in this situation? I'll tell you exactly what I'd do in this situation. I would look at the lady and I would say, this is exactly what I would do.

No joke, no nothing. I'd say, ma'am, I don't want coleslaw. And you keep saying, would I like coleslaw? And I don't want it. So you don't have to say that anymore. That's exactly what I would say to that lady. And people would be like, whoa, dick. And I'd be like, no, it's not dick.

It's dick to keep asking somebody over and over the same question when they already answered. As a matter of fact, this happened the other day. Where was I? I was in – oh, I was getting almonds. That's what I was doing because i was so hungry i walked from the comedy store over to the um to pink dot and i went to get almonds and i got almonds and a topo chico is that what they call it they're so good that's the best club soda um and uh so i got the all i got the almonds and the topo chico and i I had nothing else. And the guy said, you want a bag?

Oh, no, no. First of all, he said something to me, and I didn't hear. I said, what did you say? I said, what did you say to me? And he said, oh, I wasn't talking back to you. I was just asking you a question. And I said, yeah, I just didn't hear what you said, so I was asking what you said. All good.

And then he said, do you want a bag? And I said, oh, no, thanks. And he said, you sure? And I said, by the way, we got to clean up our you sures. You don't need to ask you sure after dumb shit like that. You only like life-changing shit do you need to ask you sure about. Do you want a bag no you sure i just fucking answered that didn't i man okay but obviously i don't do that in public because

i understand that you sure is a socially acceptable thing you want a bag i said no thanks he said you sure i said yeah no no thanks and then he said you sure and i forced myself not to say anything because it was hard because i the natural thing is to be like uh yeah yeah i'm i'm i definitely don't need one you know a nice person would just be like yeah i'm all good Even the third or fourth time. But I forced myself to not say anything because I wanted him to feel how uncomfortable it was, what he was doing. So I'm not here to play any fucking games, dude. I'm here to get my Topo Chico and my fucking six grams of protein drives me nuts on the almonds. It said on the top of it six grams of protein like that was a selling point like like we're so health conscious in pink dot hey you need pro you need your protein go to fucking go to get some almonds at uh uh pink dot uh so the guy said you sure and i didn't and i

didn't i didn't say anything i wanted to say yeah again but i didn't because i wanted him to stir in the fucking bed he made you did this motherfucker i think i just looked at him and i didn't say shit how many times i gotta answer how many times i gotta answer I got to answer I don't want a fucking bag one maybe two not three um this is funny the silky way at the underscore silky underscore way how about the people who see LeBron's Laker contract and say 154 million I'm in the wrong business dude I just don't like all the sayings you know people that just say shit to say like they would be like even if they were a professional basketball player, how goddamn hard it is. Like some like desk clerk will say some shit like that. I'm in the wrong business. Like they try at life at all.

And how hard it is to be in the NBA period and then to be not only the best player in the NBA, but the best player of all time, arguably. And to be like, I got it, I'm in the wrong business. Oh, really? At your fucking desk? You work at a hardware store? You know? The fucking nerve. That's like these chicks that say, Elon Musk is husband material.

No shit. You're a fucking Instagram thought. And he's flying rockets to Mars. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, he should be so lucky to get tagged in one of your fucking thought-ass photos. In one of your photos where you're showing your ass crack and your titties bunched up. And he beat that because you flew over there from a guy who wishes he was Elon Musk. Also, you're not there right now.

You saved it to post later to act like you still were there, which is definitely a Drake line. I know a girl who took a picture and posted it later to act like she's still there. Hey, Drake, you rapped about instagram too much on your new album i mean dude i'll tell here's another one chisco at the real chisco and there's only one chisco buddy don't need to have the real one imagine somebody be like is that the fucking first chisco at the real Chisco. There's only one Chisco, buddy. Don't need to have the real one. Imagine somebody be like, is that the fucking first Chisco or the guy who faked it? What would you rather have, a shitty voice or a shitty laugh? That's a real good one, man.

I got to say, having a shitty voice fucking sucks. Like just to be a guy who like would talk like this or something hey what you guys doing you want to come over for a for a pool day like no you know no we don't because your shit-ass voice but having a shitty laugh let me tell you something at least with a shitty voice man it's crazy how i've already thought about dumb i've already thought about this like i've already thought about that i only have thought about dumb shit in my life like i would never spend a waking second on how how would you better this world but i've definitely thought of would i rather have it like i've i definitely already have thoughts on shitty voices and shitty laughs so when you ask me something like this i got bang

at a dang at a dang at a dang at a day in my head i'm going well i know about this chang chang chang chang chang here's what you know how eminem is like he's like he just know he has a database of what rhymes it's not that he's like figuring out what rhymes on the spot i already thought about this shit. Cause I think about things that are nothing all day long. Okay. Would you rather have a shitty voice? Well,

shitty, having a shitty voice fucking sucks because nobody could take it seriously. And if you want to invite people to a pool party, you're in the instinct is no, and you can't get a lot of people at your pool party. If you have a shitty voice, unless you've built yourself a great life and have a great house and, you know, take good Instagram pictures or whatever the fuck. But if you just have a great house and you know take good instagram

pictures or whatever the fuck but if you just have a shitty voice and you're just some guy you can't have anybody at your pool party because imagine that do you want to come to my pool party no man you're gonna be talking like that there well that's my voice cool give me another address but if you have a shitty laugh, you know what you do? If you have a shitty laugh, you ruin everybody's good time. That's what you do. Having a shitty voice is fine because you know what you're going to get right when you meet the guy. But if you have a shitty laugh and you're in a movie theater watching Austin Powers or whatever,

and all of a sudden you're that asshole that's like, you fucked 350 people in the ass. You fucked them out at 1250. There are people who laugh like that. I've been in rooms where people laugh. I mean, I've been in, obviously, every night I'm in a room where people are laughing. laugh like that. I've been in rooms where people laugh. I mean, I've been in, obviously, every night I'm in a room where people are laughing. It's cock. Every night I'm staring at fucking hordes of people laughing. It's cock.

I've been in the rooms where people are just like, and I want to fucking, I want to ask him to leave, but you can't because that's their lab. But some people like lay into it. Those motherfuckers that lay into their fucking shithole laughs, those people are the worst and they just become the show. I think I'd rather have a shitty voice because I don't want to ruin people's good time. I'd rather not have the good time because people don't want to hang out with me because I have a shitty voice. But man, you know what I wouldn't want though?

A guy that has like a high voice like that, like would be awful, dude. If you don't have a fucking low voice as a man, it sucks. A lot of girls won't like you oh no not that one was a fucking guy oh that's a chick asking it actually um that's pretty funny that that though um yeah okay so only oh no this is a guy or a girl if it's a girl it's an okay question it it's a girl, it's an okay question. It's a girl. Okay.

So it's an okay question, I think. Do guys look at... But you know the answer, though, already. Do guys look at photos of themselves and say, damn, my dick looks good the way girls do about their tits? Evan Clare. Well, I mean, they... Way less, you know know i would never post i would i would never think i don't

think i've ever looked at my cock area before posting a picture but maybe some guys do maybe gay guys because they want to like attract other gay guys but like women don't really look as a general rule women don't really look at cock areas and think like, gosh, I got to suck that. Unless you're a complete fucking mess. You know? Unless you're a complete mess. Unless your dad was real shitty to you. All right, we're done.

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