Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 79. Evil Scientist With A Boner

Episode Date: August 1, 2018

It's the 79th episode! On today's show, Chris tells a couple of stories from Montreal. Also discussed: wacky hair, burpees, Air Canada and airplane internet, and The Space Force. Plus, Chris answers a bunch questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show, we can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App.

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A lot of people were like, where's the fucking podcast yesterday? Even though I say time and time again, it's going to be out Monday or Tuesday. Wichita, Kansas. I'm coming. Kansas City, Missouri, Lincoln, Nevada. I'm coming. Kansas City. Missouri. Lincoln. Nevada.

This is the Follow the Leader Tour. Look, you want to come to the Follow the Leader Tour? You go to ChrisDelia.com. You buy tickets. You're sitting there at your desk right now. You want to come see me at Carnegie Hall? You want to come see me in Montclair, New Jersey? You want to come see me in Washington, D.C.? ChrisDelia.com for tickets.

This is episode 79, and we're broadcasting live on my app. So they're getting the podcast a little bit earlier than anyone else is. And those are the real babies, baby. Those are the real babies, my babies. So I was in Montreal. Dude, I've been traveling nonstop. I've been not on the road. I've been not nonstop. I've been not on the road. I've been not at home.

I've been on the road, and it's been a lot. And I'm now back for two and a half weeks, and I'm very happy because it was getting to me. It was getting to me, my babies. And you know what? It's okay. But that's what was happening. You know, every now and then you got to put in a little bit of overtime. You got to put in a little bit of work, and the shitumples up and piles up and you get, just got to grin and

bear it and get right through it. Now, hopefully you're making bags. Hopefully when you do that, you're stacking chips, you're making bags, but sometimes you're not. Sometimes you're building a fucking, you're, you're, you're setting the building blocks for your career and you're doing it for free. I did that. I did that when I was coming up. I did a lot of shows for free. Now, am I sweating bullets already? Now, yeah.

Are we two minutes in? Yeah. Is it all right? I mean, the bottom line is, yeah, nobody's going to die. Am I going to look like a mess on the video podcast? Yeah. I'm going to look like Brendan Fraser in School Ties when he's like screaming at the guys in the school. And he and he's like ah you cowards or whatever the fuck now am i gonna look like that yeah um but i was in montreal first of all i just got back from the

gym which you ever go to the gym or work out or whatever and then you take a shower you put on your clothes and then you leave and you're still sweating balls and it looks like and you're like i should have waited longer to take the shower but you want you're you're a businessman you're fucking you gotta wait you i mean you can't wait you gotta hurry up you got shit to do i had this podcast to do i had babies waiting i had to fucking shower and put on a shirt now and i'm sweating my balls off um but i uh by the man, a lot of you guys have been listening. This podcast has been growing. Last episode was the number one watched and listened to episode there is.

So, man, we are getting these babies going. And we are fucking, some of you babies are one years old. You know, you've been listening to the podcast for a year now. But I was just at the gym dude i swear to god i saw a fucking guy there working out with i i actually i couldn't believe my eyes i want to tell you guys i see a lot of crazy shit and a lot of people are like why do you see the most crazy shit and you because i talk about it a lot and i fucking tweet tweet tweet about it and i put pictures up about it i talk a lot about crazy shit that i see people are always like why do you see the crazy shit i don't know dude i don't know if it's that i'd like to think that i'm

fucking super observant but i don't know what it is maybe just crazy find certain people maybe i am that way and it radiates and it makes crazy people gravitate towards me. I don't know. But I see a lot of crazy shit. And I'm not lying to you. This could have taken the cake. Hey, do you have a towel in there, by the way? Is there any towels?

Yeah, dude. Thanks. Dude, I shit you not. I saw a guy working out today. And one fire already knows because of the group text. But I saw Ivan Getridov doesn't. saw a guy working out today and one fire already knows because of the group text but i i i saw ivan get rid of doesn't i saw a guy working out with fucking first of all i had a gold watch on ah don't have a gold watch on ah because it's working out it's going to get in the way now i

have a fucking silver watch on ah if, if I worked out in it. But I don't. He also had a fucking clear baggie with a stack. I would almost say a brick of hundreds with a rubber band wrapped around the hundreds. And he would take it from place to place while he worked out. And while he did a set, he'd put it down. Ugh. from place to place while he worked out.

And while he did a set, he'd put it down. Ugh. Dude, he worked out with a brick, with a stack of hundreds. I saw it. I laughed hard. That's what that guy deserves. Dude, I'll tell you what.

Every now and then, there's shit that happens where people do some shit like that. And then if you laugh for real in their face, I hope they really get embarrassed like here's something that happened that happened here's something that happened uh at the the comedy festival i mean first of all who the fuck brings a stack of hundreds to the gym i mean there are guys that work out in sunglasses there are guys that work out with gold chains on this guy had a gold chain obviously by the way and a black uh tank top uh exposing his nipples but like dude you work out in a shirt and shorts and that's it you don't need to bring a

stack of hundreds the guy brought a stack of hundreds he's trying to get a fucking mate is he trying to get chicks at the gym it's also the worst place to try and get chicks it's the worst place to try and hit on a girl it's just like if you're a guy and you hit on a girl at the gym you're a fucking idiot it's just they are in their own world. Let them work out. You don't need to hit on them, dude. Okay? But also if you're a chick, what you doing?

What you doing if you're showing fucking cleavage at the gym? I get it when you go out and, you know, girls can wear whatever they want. And I'm not saying, you know, I know you're – I get it. Feminists wear whatever you want. Guys still have to treat you like a real purse but come on dude what are you showing your fucking cleavage out for the gym you got a cute suit on you want to work out in a cute suit and the fucking dogs will be dogs man i want a girl to work out with only those nipple tassels that they had in the fucking 40s when they used to dance at that shit and work out in that and then when a

guy's like sup i want a girl to be like what the fuck let me work out in peace and then go now and just doing those like doing like uh deadlifts with way too light of weight um one fire is looking up a video called how to twirl your tassels. Superb. So, um, so, but yeah,

there's a, so there's a, uh, wow. It looks stupid when girls do that. I mean, why is she fucking saluting? You know,

Hey, not in the Navy. You're naked. Uh, anyway, uh, so I was at JFL just for laughs in Montreal. And this was, this is the thing i was

talking about kind of like when you laugh in somebody's face so there's this guy at jv you know comedians are fucking nuts they do their shit they they um as luke bryant would say they're just doing their thing worst song of all time doing my thing yeah everyone's doing their thing okay so um anyway uh this they're you know comedians they they do shit sometimes they have wacky hair which is fucking awful you know it's like just have a regular haircut but um this guy had like i don't even it wasn't a mohawk but it was gelled up to like a point like a pointy kind of a thing almost kind of a mohawk but it looked like a point, like a pointy kind of a thing, almost kind of a mohawk. But it looked like a fucking cock. It was like a big black hair cock. And it's always, this is the best too.

The guy was like 5'9". It's like, if you're going to do that, be tall as shit. So people are like, all right, he's a real man. But if you're like 5'9 and have wacky hair, you're 5'9, dude. You know what I mean? Your hair is most of your body. Then if you're six three and you want to fucking kill it with a Mohawk, you'd be like, all right, look, that guy is a big beefy guy and he's lanky and he looks like

he would have to give him a chain. He looks like a bad guy from double drag in the video game. But this guy was five nine and had a wacky hair, which means about 15 to 20 percent of his height was his hair so he was about my height with his hair sad sad bad childhood so and it was gelled up into a cock like fucking thing um and um and he walked by and this is just for laughs comedy festival and i was with my agents and this guy walked by and my agent was was like, look at this fucking guy. First of all, nobody respects you if you have wacky hair. Do you know what I'm talking about? Have a reg, unless you're, unless you, you know, the only people that respect you are people that are like hipsters and fucking lost. Like nobody who's an actual money-making businessman is like, all right, cool, man.

Anyway, this guy had this and he was walking around and we're at the comedy festival. My agent was like, look at this fucking guy. And I said, and I said, oh, look, it's fucking comic the hedgehog. Now that, that weekend, there wasn't a better joke, okay? Comic the hedgehog? That's fucking hilarious, all right? Now, all my jokes aren't great. I actually don't do a lot of jokes. I mostly just razz and dazz and have a good time and joke and be silly, you know?

I'm down for a silly goose time, and that's it. I'm not doing these fucking punchline shits. But comic the hedgehog? Shut it down, dude. We're done. We're done. My agent laughed so comic, the hedgehog, shut it down, dude. We're done. We're done. My agent laughed so hard. He started crying.

I know. Look at this, man. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not being braggadocious. It was just a good one. When you got a good slam, you got a good slam. Now it was a slam behind closed doors. I wasn't looking in his eyes and fucking giving him the, the eight, the, the nine 89 fucking super slam at Denny's.

Not, not to his table, but I was back in the kitchen. Like, oh, I think that guy wants a fucking super slam at Denny's not not to his table but I was back in the kitchen like oh I think that guy wants a fucking super slam right it's his birthday maybe we'll give it to him for free but this guy I said comic the hedgehog now here's the deal man if I walked up to that guy and said hey look it's comic to Hedgehog, right? That's such a super fucking real deal slam. He'd have to go home. He'd have to go home. Because it's so fucking, he thought he was ill, having the fucking cock, Sonic the Hedgehog hair. And I said, hey, look, it's comic to Hedgehog.

And then everyone else around him left. He literally has to go like this. Oh, dude, I to hedgehog. And then everyone else around him left. He literally has to go like this. Oh, dude, I got to pack and get on a plane and leave. If you're going to have hair like that, be fucking indestructible. Now, I don't know that guy. I don't even know who it was. I just saw the back of him. But you got to have the ultimate confidence.

You can't be a bitch at all. If you have hair like that you got to be like yup motherfucker you goddamn right i got this hair sit on it dude sit on it it's a dildo sit on it this guy was walking around five nine all bitch like though i didn't see his face i don't know i have no idea also be fit if you have hair like that you know what i'm talking about have the rest of you pristine have the rest of you just top-notch cyborg type shit right if you're just like pudgy and you have hair like that what are you doing instead of fucking styling your hair do burpees

take the 30 minutes it takes for you to fucking style your hair up into a fucking cock and do burpees why is this called burpees i hate that name burpees it Why are those called burpees? I hate that name, burpees. It's like, name it something else. Jumping jacks is kind of fucking shitty too, but that was made so long ago, you know? That's so, so an old-timey fucking name for a workout, jumping jacks.

Do the jumping jacks, huh? You're going to do jumping jacks? That'll keep you fit. you're gonna do jumping jacks that'll keep you fit um anyway uh so i did just for laughs i did my netflix special you know i'm gonna stop calling specials everybody's got one that'll be like this guy from oh my god burpees are from this guy whose name was Royal H. Burpee. Hey! Also, how do you have a worse first name than fucking, if your last name is Burpee, Royal? Sit on it. Sit down, buddy.

Physiologist. You know, the guy fucking figured out how to jump up and down and do a push-up. By the way, there are already things. Jump jumping and push-up, guy ain't shit, he just put two things together, you know, imagine figuring that out, being the guy where you're just like, you go down, you go into a plank, you jump up, you go down, you go, it's nothing, dude, also, this guy's name is Taco Fleur, what's wrong with everybody, Taco Fleur is demonstrating the burpee, oh, man, everything's so fucking crazy, so, look,

I did my Netflix, got a subclinical specials, everybody has, I found it, there was an employee at Ikea, that's like, yeah, I just got my first Netflix special. But they're hours. So I did it and it's a half hour. It's this new global thing that Netflix is doing which they're all releasing at the same time and I'm excited about. And they asked me to do it. And I did it because I've got a half hour of material that I don't mind burning and I want to not have it on my next hour. So I did it.

And the first taping, you shoot these things twice for those of you guys that don't know. Well, if you're lucky, you shoot these things twice. Sometimes if you are shooting it yourself, you only do it once because it's more expensive the more time you use and the more equipment you use and the more shows you do so shot it twice um uh and we did one the first show what they did is we shot three of them together so it was me uh me they shot this episode twice it was me they're doing like 47 of these from all around the world they got like uh comedians representing brazil comedians representing french canada regular canada uh asia um and uh uh you know south africa and america and i was one of the comedians that is representing america with neil brennan and nicole byer and

also uh nick swartzen now they coupled them up differently so uh they put me nick nick swartzen and then um k trevor noah not trevor k trevor wilson i always do that trevor noah is a comedian and uh and uh obviously the guy that does the uh comedy central uh daily show uh one higher uh racking up some points one higher racking up some points gave me some fucking he told me it was a daily show and uh but also one fire for interrupting but still helped so it's all good so it's back to zero let's just say um so one so so k so k trevor wilson so it was us three on that show and then neil brennan neil brennan and nicole byer uh performed a different one at night doesn't matter't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter at all. Still just giving you the lowdown,

right? So we went now the first show was me. Then. K Trevor Wilson, then Nick Swartzen. The second time we taped it an hour later, it was Nick Swartzen, me,

then K Trevor Wilson. time we taped it an hour later it was nick swartzen me then k trevor wilson so the first show started at seven o'clock now i don't know you probably don't know much about times and when shows start in comedy the general rule is the later shows are better unless they start at like 11 right because then people are drunk as shit. But the general rule is, this is the general rule I was going to say and then I got sidetracked and said the thing about later shows. If you're doing stand-up and it's still light outside, it's going to be way tougher. Now, 7 o'clock in the summer on Montreal, it's way north. It's fucking bright until like 8.30.

All right? So 7 o'clock, these guys piled in and uh i knew it's gonna be kind of tight i had to go first uh so i had to kind of do they had to warm up but it wasn't it was like still fucking early i had to go and the crowd was so tight i couldn't fucking believe it it was so tight i couldn't believe it saying a crowd is tight means they're tightly wound they're not giving it up right not laughing a lot and uh it was tough dude and i was like this sucks that this is my netflix taping so this and then i was like well maybe i'll at least warm it up for the other guys being a good person being really nice. It's what Jesus would have done.

So then Kate Trevor Wilson went up and it was fucking tight, man. And then Nick Swardson went up and it was tight. So then we were like, I don't know. We did it again. And it was great. It was an awesome show really happy and uh props to the other guys that did it with me nick swartzen it's fucking hilarious k trevor wilson fucking hilarious and uh i'm excited to see them dude uh i'm excited to have them come out and uh we'll see i don't know i get to look at

the edit today actually uh they're gonna send it over so that should be out i think early next year anyway be on the lookout for that uh that's it i don't know we're 18 minutes in 19 minutes in got nothing else to talk about um yeah oh no i do actually when i was in montreal by the way here's two things happened in montreal right after my netflix taping okay walked out some guy you know we walk out especially at the comedy festival there's lots of comedy fans so they'll recognize you more um so i was walking down the street there's this one long one street that everything's on saint catherine i think it's called anyway um i walked on the street and some guy says chris delia or you mispronounced my name i don't remember how but i was like yeah almost what's up and he said uh i just wanted to

shake your hand he shakes my hand this guy was a uh one of those guys that like you could tell he worked out a lot but he was also one of those fat workout guys you know what i'm talking about where it's like oh shit stop eating carbs if you want a good body maybe you don't maybe you just want to be beefy you want to be those one of those guys that fucking you know carries tires around outside instead of that you know you want to be one of those guys with like a hairy back do you know what i'm talking about like those big beefy strong guys with hairy backs that carry around tires and they they wear one-piece fucking workout suits. That's what this guy looked like.

Except he had on a yellow shirt. And the shirt said, cock blocker. Literally, that was his shirt. So I knew immediately this guy is an asshole. All right? So I shook his hand. He said, I just wanted to personally... Man, one fire, you're going to love this.

But he said, I just want to personally shake your hand and tell you to go fuck yourself. That's what he said to me, okay? It's not the part you're going to love. This is the part you're going to love. And I said, really? Like I was like, this will be interesting. I thought maybe he was joking, but I was like, what's the deal? And he said, dude, four years ago on Facebook, and so now I'm like, wow, I cannot wait for this shit.

I did something. I fucking gave him a super slam. Whatever I did, maybe I wrote back to him. Maybe I put it on Instagram. Can't wait. He says, four years ago on – this guy was telling me this with more oomph than like the – I had a dream speech. This guy breathed in, puffed his fucking fat, carved out chest outward with his cock blocker shirt on and blue shorts. Yellow shirt with blue shorts. This guy was dressing like he was eight. Okay. And he had a hat on with like headphones. This guy was a fucking bubble gum loser.

Okay. Now he says to me four years ago on Facebook, I made fun of you. And I said, okay. and he said yup and i said that's it and he said uh-huh suck my cock and then he said the f word which i won't say you know the slant the derogatory term for gays right and i said all right man i i literally love like making fun of these guys and like coming back at him but i was like what what else and he was like yep and then he goes like this fuck you man and i was like okay and i walked away that's it this guy had a fucking cock blocker shirt on it was yellow blue shorts said all that to me had like a fucking orangish beard and and that's it that was the whole story and then i went back to the hyatt where i was staying at the hotel

now i was with my um agent and my and my agent was like i can't believe you deal with that shit i was like well i've never dealt with that you know but he was like man i would snap all the time i was like yeah i was with my agent and then i was with my uh australian promoter right that he promoted my australian tour and so we get back to the hyatt hotel we're on the patio we're away from me we're away from the business you know the hyatt hotel is just loaded with fucking industry and and uh comedians and shit and we get a drink you know i'm drinking a club soda and they're drinking some they're having a smoke or whatever and we're outside the patio and this guy comes up to me and he's just he's one of these just obviously flamboyant he's obviously gay guy walks up he's one of these just obviously flamboyant. He's obviously a gay guy.

Walks up. He's one of these gay guys that just looks like he's like always trying to find out how to stand. Do you know what I'm talking about? He's just like so swishy. And it looks like he's melting into his full form, but he didn't do it yet. And you're just like, well, figure it out, dude. You know, how are you going to stand? You know, guys that are so flamboyant that're just like, hey, and they're just floating around.

Where it's just like, hey, man, figure out the stance. Then we'll have a conversation. But this guy never stopped swishing around. He was like an angel. And he says, I remember you from last year. And that's how he said it. Like he was about to take over the world. Like he was an evil scientist with a boner

that's how he sounded okay and he says i remember you from last year and the word year was longer than the rest of the whole sentence and i said oh yeah and and he said i said i don't know man i don't think you sucked my cock all right now this is fresh off the fucking story from the guy yelling me at me outside calling me a fucking uh you know the f word right so i'm like okay um well you know i don't know what to say by the way he was with another chick all right and you know how like when a guy who's super drunk or something like because i was obviously a little bit drunk comes up and acts a fool quote unquote to somebody else right now I'm gonna I'm I can be a nice guy this guy's just fucking talking whatever I don't give a shit I'm I'm it's funny to me so I'm like I'm like where's this going you know you know when you're

with somebody first of all I came up to three guys and did this it's like be careful dude like what if I was like fuck you I'm not gay you know this and that whatever i don't give a shit but so you know when you're with somebody and that happens something happens like that and they're with somebody the other person is like all right dude come on let's go you're drunk let's leave right the chick was standing there like yep if he says he sucked your cock he sucked your cock and he sucked your cock. And I was like, all right. And he was like, yep. And you got so mad at me because I wouldn't swallow. And I was like, this happened last year?

And he said, yep. And I was like, I think you might have the wrong guy. And then she was like, the girl was like, yep you might have the wrong guy and then she was like the girl was like yep it happened last year and i was like i looked at my agent and my fucking australian promoter and i was like hey i was like what the fuck is happening tonight and then my australian and then and then the guy touches my australian promoter and like rubs his fucking um arm and he's like you're a big boy and i was like jesus like i know my promote my buddy his name is andrew but i was like don't do this to a random guy don't touch a guy like that you know and and then he's just like all right buddy go away you know you

had enough because he was there for like three minutes trying to explain how i fucking sucked my dick and he was like, alright, whatever guys. Fuck off. Like, we were the bad guy. Like, nothing happened. I felt like this guy was going to be like three years ago on Facebook. I saw this guy made fun of you.

It was so fucking weird, man. It was just a weird night. It was one of those nights where it was like, what the fuck kept happening? Those nights are awesome, though. I'll'll forget that in a week i'm glad i have it immortalized on my podcast montreal was lit man comic the hedgehog comic the hedgehog dude i want to see that guy you know what fucking guys like that who have like wacky hair or like the points in their hair or like super gelled hair like they go to sleep and then they wake up and they don't look like that you know that's the best their hair looks real bad at that point because it's like super long or whatever what if a robber came in

and tried to steal their shit and killed them that way and then the police found him and he didn't have his comic the hedgehog hair on and he was just like they were like yeah i don't know what happened and they're like well let's look into his hair. Maybe that had something to do with it. Cause that's how weird it was. Um, all right. Let's do these ads babies. Quip, no matter who you are, you've got teeth in your mouth. Brushing your teeth is one of the most important parts of your day to stay healthy. Quip knows that and their team of dentists and designers is focused on helping you take care of your mouth better. Quip was called the best electric toothbrush by GQ and the Tesla of toothbrushes by Bloomberg. Hmm. Is that a good review?

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Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. And look, 20 years ago, something like Cash App would have been really hard to imagine. And now it's kind of hard to imagine anything else, dude. So use it like I do. And now it's kind of hard to imagine anything else, dude. So use it like I do. We taking over one city at a time. We taking over one city at a time.

That was free for you guys. That was free for you guys. I'm just kind of fucking, we taking over one city at a time. You're welcome. Free for you guys i'm just kind of fucking we taking over one city at a time you're welcome free for you guys um dude i'm in a good mood man i worked out got it out the way sweating balls off it's all good having a good one um got the new follow the leader shirts going. Those are flying off the shelves like hotcakes. So, you know, they're very cool. They're a nice color. Crystalia.com. What am I looking forward to in the next few weeks? Chilling. Burned 30 minutes of material. So now I'm going to be doing, writing some new stuff i gotta do the new hour at the end of next year probably uh for netflix so i gotta i gotta work on that

doing some new material and uh then that's it um i'm on the show called alone to get alone together dude this show's so funny man i'm really lucky to be on it i mean you know at first i was like oh yeah they're my they're my buds esther and benji and it was a show that wasn't even picked up yet but it got picked up and dude it's so funny you guys got to watch this on freeform i don't know how you get your freeform for me i watch it on apple tv but um yeah um that's it there was something I wanted to talk about and I don't remember what it was dude I love you guys man

you just fucking you just fucking are with me do you know what I'm talking about I get my aunts these I get my aunt these Starbucks you know the Starbucks cups

that they have the you are here collection or whatever and you can go and every time you go to uh starbucks you get the that fucking cups it's such a sucker move but it's such good marketing i love the cups and i buy them for my aunt every time i go i get her wherever i go like i was in houston i got her a huge one i already got her the houston one but i was there last like two weekends ago and i already got i already got her that one so i didn't get her that one but i got her one in like they didn't have one in maine couldn't get one in maine i'm trying to get one they're going to reno i wonder if they have one in reno i know she doesn't have reno um we had to get her these cups

man she's got like 40 of them she loves putting them out dude how about ladies man ladies are cute you know what I'm talking about? They have all their shit. My mom has so many fucking tchotchkes, it's ridiculous. There isn't a wall, there isn't a spot on her wall not covered.

It's like they're all trophies, man. She loves tchotchkes, man. Swear to God. She doesn't even give a fuck what they are. If I bought her like a ceramic eagle, she'd be like, oh my God, that's so sweet.

I'll find a place for it in the bathroom. She loves it man girls love collecting shit you know guys love going to get the shit hunter-gatherer shit right that's what that is how crazy is it that now it turned into that wow my mama has so many tchotchkes i uh i fucking hate tchotchkes man when i was a kid uh i like like i i got i collected shit like you know first of all i collected baseball cards and i also collected comic books but beyond that like anytime there was something cool like I remember one of the things I had were – like I remember when McDonald's or some like fast food company would do like these like promotional things for movies.

I remember there was one for Batman Forever and they had like Happy Meals. Or even though they weren't even Happy Meals, but they were like – because I don't think I'd get Happy Meals. But they were like – the fry covers would be like the Penguin or like the Riddler or like Batman and Robin. And I would get them and I'd always want them different one that I didn't have. And I get them and I save them like my fry holders. And I would save shit like that. Like I got into pogs. Remember pogs where you'd fucking slam them? I collected them. I had sheets of pogs. I collected so many fucking dumb things, man. Like I was a real sentimental. I'm still sentimental, but I was a sentimental kid So i'd keep all the kid shit and then one day I looked at my desk and I was like, oh no, dude

I'm gonna be a hoarder. I literally thought that I don't even know if I knew what a hoarder was But I was like i'm gonna be one of those pack rat motherfuckers that just has a bunch of shit and uh And i'm gonna fucking keep keep too much shit and by the time i move out of my parents house i'm gonna be like a mess i'm never gonna get chicks they're gonna be like this is a nice place where do i step right and um so i with one felt so i was like if i don't throw away all this shit right now i'll never do it so i threw all and i and one of the things was i looked the fry holders and they were all old and greasy

with the fucking fry it was gross so i was like this is gonna i'm gonna throw them away i threw all away i never collected a thing after that it was like a fucking purge dude it was awesome and now i'm a better person because of that you got to realize who you are early on or otherwise you're fucked if you realize too late you're fucked. If you realize too late, you're fucked. You're already set in your ways, baby. You have to be a self-reflective 12 year old. Guess what? It's too late for you. You're done fucked up. And so am I. We're all fucked in our own way. We're all a certain kind of fucked up figuring it out. We're trying, but you know, and we think we all have it figured out too. Even if we say we don't, we still fucking secretly think we have it figured out from moment to moment.

That's so fucked. Maybe at the whole, we're like, I don't know. But moment to moment, we're like fucking. So I threw away that shit. I try to keep my OCD at bay, you know. It's tough, you know? I told you that JoJo's Cup story. It manifests itself in weird ways.

And it wasn't even that I wanted JoJo's... This was a... For those of you that don't know this, it's on an earlier episode called JoJo's Cup. But it wasn't even a germ thing. Mine has nothing to do with germs. It was a that's her cup that's designated for her i don't use it it's a weird fucking thing i don't take drinks from other people's drinks i'll eat a sandwich i'll take a bite from their shit but for some reason i got

it locked in my head i don't do that and it has nothing to do with germs i mean it does if you look like a fucking if you got like like, you know, gross fucking mouth going on, then I'm like, and you keep it, you know, but, uh, yeah, it's fucking weird how a mental shit can affect your, right? I've been thinking about that a lot lately, actually, like leaders, how they can like make like, cause I was watching the Sasha Baron Cohen thing, which is amazing. Who is America? right? I've been thinking about that a lot lately, actually, like leaders, how they can like make, like, because I was watching the Sacha Baron Cohen thing,

which is amazing, who is America. And I'm like, how the fuck do they get these people to do this, man? How funny was the Roy Moore one where they fucking, you saw it? Where they were like,

the guy like fucking wanded him and it was a pedophile wand and it went off. And then Roy Moore was like, I've never ever been like called, been accused of such a thing and it's like huh yes you have by nine people it's it google it you're you you definitely know about it that's how you know he's lying because he lied about that i've never been accused of that really google it nine nine kids remember when he rode away on his Google it. Nine. Nine kids. Ah. Remember when he rode away on his horse, that little bitch ass? God, if you're going to ride a horse, you better fucking ride that shit. Don't be a bitch ass. Don't ride on a horse if you look like you're going like this.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Bitch ass. Um. I don't even know what else to talk about, man. We're 40 minutes in. I'm fucked. But this is sometimes when it gets going the best, though. What else happened in Montreal?

I don't know, dude. Fuck this. You know what? I'm going to go on a hike tomorrow. And here's the thing, too. My buddy was like, no, we can't go. My Irish buddy. We can't go when it's hot out.

Dude, that's when you work out. We're not going to fucking faint. My buddy has stomach problems, dude. Every time it's too hot, he's like, oh, my stomach, my Irish buddy. It's Dodge. He says it's Dodge. You know what bothers me about this motherfucker? I like it and I don't like it.

He keeps with his lingo. But like when we meet new people, he'll be like, yeah, it's Dodge. And they'll be like, it's what? Oh, yeah, it means it's bad. Why explain that every single fucking time to somebody? Just lose it. But also, I like it. I like that he's dodge and they'll be like it's what oh yeah it means it's bad why explain that every single fucking time to somebody just lose it but also i like it i like that he's being true to him you know that you know that the fucking you know that your boy likes that shit be you man but also fucking why explain i don't want to have to sit there so that's the thing be you but then it affects other people too now i gotta explain it explain it. I got to sit there. All it means is bad. I got to fucking be his translator. What does he say about the fucking...

I'm going to go boozing. You know that means drinking, but still, dude. Don't say boozing. I fucking tweeted about... Dude was in i was at air canada i flew to uh montreal and then i flew back they didn't have wi-fi here's the thing too i tweeted up let me put the fucking tweets up got him that thread i did It was stupid as shit. But I wrote, hey, Air Canada, it's 2018. And then under it I wrote, just letting you know, just telling you because you definitely don't know that.

Then I wrote, actually, hold on. I'm seeing what year I'm in because maybe I took a time machine back to the ages or something. Then I wrote, I just looked at the newspaper, confirmed 2018 Air Canada. Then I wrote, so crazy. It's just that the flight attendant explained to me right now that there's no internet available on this flight. So I got so confused as to what year it was. I guess you're just subpar.

My bad. Then I wrote, tweet me back and explain the reasoning, please. I'll give you six hours to respond. And then in parentheses, that's in case you're on the flight to LA with me because there's no way you can respond because we're about to take off and there's no internet on this flight. People were like, okay, privileged. Okay, man.

Stop bitching, dude. And then they were referring that Louis C.K. bit that he did on fucking Conan where it was like, oh, yeah, you know, this is amazing. You're in the sky and yada yada shut no dude i don't agree with that bit i don't agree with that bit man if you have something in the world that exists have it have it all these airline people like well yeah oh this guy's acting like there aren't fucking airplanes that are 30 years old yeah don't have airplanes that are 30 years old that don't have the Wi-Fi

update. Don't have that. Then Air Canada wrote, hello, Chris, feel free to DM us for any assistance. Robin. I wrote, I can't. I'm taking off and you don't provide Wi-Fi. And then the president says, remember, it's 2018. Joking. And people are like, oh, you privileged

motherfucker. People got so mad. I was like, and then I wrote, hey, you privileged motherfucker. People got so mad. I was like, and then I wrote, hey Air Canada, there's Wi-Fi at Denny's Diner. Have you been there besides right now? Because that's where I fucking took you for your Grand Slam breakfast.

So dumb. And then this guy wrote, and it's 2018, you're the less talented version of Pauly Shore, yet somehow more annoying and he looks like a fucking penis with a mustache he looks awful he's got puka shells on i mean god damn it um anyway but like don't like we get your shit up to date huge company oh canada's national airline get your shit up to date it was company. Oh, Canada's national airline? Get your shit up to date.

It was a great flight. They're great. They're a good airline. But like, dude, no. I don't agree with that shit. Like, okay, man. First world problems. Dude, yeah.

Have fucking internet on your airplane. Have internet at your coffee shop. Have internet everywhere. Do you know why the internet is fucking enormous? And don't have subpar internet. Always have full bars. Always have full fucking bars. No matter where I go in your establishment, don't have it go one bar less. Definitely don't have it go one bar less. Definitely don't have it go to the last little bitch-ass bar and that's it. Because that doesn't work.

This is why I want fire. My studio doesn't have full bars all the time. Always have full bars, dude. In the airplane, too. It exists, dude. I know it sounds complaining but i don't give a shit man do you have internet no oh on my bed oh on my bed it's 2019 people got mad at me dude fucking you know who gets that mad at somebody online and then i started slamming people left

and right you know how daddy does it he fucking slams us right and then people were like oh you fucking somebody this is what they always say too like oh yeah it obviously oh it doesn't bother you it obviously doesn't get to you i do it because it's i like doing it it's funny let's do some twitter questions dude come on fucking let's see what the what the what the world has to offer do you have a favorite episode of congratulations pot graham massot massot um i don't know man i always go back to the michael cain one i liked but i like jojo's cup because it got a little personal hey what's with everybody saying fucking get vulnerable with your comedy, dude? Did I talk about that last episode?

That's some shit. Just make it funny, all right? Yeah, that might be one of my favorites. But every now and then I get a new favorite. I don't know. They're all my babies, right? Pick another one. I think we already did that one, by the way.

This, what? This is a band? Go up. This band. Look at this band name my friend Shelbra found. Eric Tyler Mulder. Depression Cherry Beach House. Wow.

That's the worst band name I've ever heard in my life. We've talked about this, have your band name, one word, and it's fucking an animal, like Beatles or the Lions, you know, that's your band name, would you ever do a live, this is something, Sam, Bridge Sam, at Bridge Sam 00, would you ever do a live podcast, that's my stand up, bro, what does that even mean, they asked me to do it at this festival,'re like would you do congratulations podcast as a live show huh that's my stand-up it would just be basically a less laughy version of my of my stand-up what would that i guess and then i would put it out i guess i guess i put it out i'd have to have this the fucking it would be like

a not good version of my stand-up although some people like my podcast better than my stand-up my dad took me aside once and he was. Although some people like my podcast better than my stand-up. My dad took me aside once and he was like, hey, some people were tweeting online that they like your podcast better than your stand-up. How is that possible? I was like, I don't know. He's like, you work on your stand-up for fucking years. And podcasts, sometimes you say shit and it doesn't even make sense. I was like, yeah, I know.

I don't know. They fucking like it. He goes live. What is that? For the beginning of some episodes. Some guy wrote. Okay, cool. This is a good question. um he goes live on his app for the beginning of some episodes some guy wrote okay cool um oh this is a good question vincent list lichardone say italian

uh what do you do to get through nights where you feel anxious or not mentally prepared to perform but still have to. Well, you know what? I have a fucking saying. Well, it's not even a saying. But it's something I realized the first time I did an actual show when I did stand-up. I had done open mics but I hadn't done an actual real show. And I invited some of my friends.

This was my first like real actual show. And how many times can I say that? But I didn't understand. I was so nervous and anxious. I was like, I got to go on stage, but how am I going to get up on stage when they call my name? And I literally thought, okay, if I could just move each leg

in front of each other, one at a time, eventually I I'll be on stage and then people will be looking at me and I'll have to talk. I'll have to start talking. So I focused on just moving one of my legs at a time, which is so dumb, but it worked. And that brought me around to thinking about how it's all your body. Even if you're anxious, I mean, sometimes your anxiety is out of control. I get it. Mine is too every now and then. But like it is your body and I think you can control it by trying to calm yourself down. Now, that doesn't mean can you control it 100%. No, of course not. But like I used to go to therapy for years and my therapist would say,

I used to get so anxious flying. I don't anymore. But she would be like, all you have to do is concentrate on relaxing. Like you're not as relaxed as you think you are. Like if you think about your body right now, think about where your body is right now, whatever you're doing, even if you're sitting down or whatever. Think about the muscle that you're using right now. You're probably, your abs are probably a little bit, you know, tight because you're sitting up. your abs are probably a little bit tight because you're sitting up.

Maybe your legs are crossed and you're using one leg to use your – you're forcing one leg to go on top of the other one. Maybe you're fucking holding a cup of coffee or whatever it is. You don't realize you're using those muscles. If you focus – I used to focus on each body part of mine. I used to focus on my calves, my feet, then I would move up from there. My fucking, my quadriceps, my hamstrings, I would sit and I would relax and I would breathe and I would concentrate on breathing through it and relaxing each one of those body parts. I'd get to my enormous cock.

I'd try to relax my cock. You know what I mean? Not by massaging it, just by breathing through it. I'd be like, relax my cock, relax my big, huge fucking boulder balls. Then I'd get into my abs. Oh, and they were always tight. Now, that's why you're like, oh, he's got the fucking black diamond course. It's like they're always rock hard.

It's very hard to relax my abs. I would do that. I'd concentrate on my fucking chest, my fucking crazy crazy fucking ripped ridiculous chest and you know what there's a really nice separation between my chest and my shoulders so i try to fucking you know relax the striations of my shoulders and i'm gonna do that and i would do that you know and then I would get to my fucking tongue, which fucking dances around a woman's mouth when I kiss her. Like, it's just crazy. You know what I mean? And I'd relax it.

And then I would get more relaxed. And the anxiety would go away. It would. It would go away. Sometimes it would go away completely, man. But my therapist would always be like, it's your body. You can just do what you have to do by trying to breathe through it.

And she was right for me. Now, granted, I'm not the most anxious person in the world, but I think it could help for you. Dude, I used to concentrate every body part and then I would be not so anxious being on the airplane. And it worked. Even relaxing my fucking enormous cock. How about when people say ginormous god that's so boring okay next

yeah no that it well you know what guys got a little bit serious on you there who's going to join the space force is what i want to know. Trump's Space Force. Ivan gets rid of and raises his hand. That would be great if one of you guys would be in a Space Force. It literally sounds like a joke movie in the 80s that fucking Rick Moranis would be in.

And the guy from Ernest goes to jail. The Ernest movies or whatever space force and john candy would be the lead i'm naming all the guys in space balls this is not creative it's like when you fucking what my buddy kt tatara has a joke about how when girls give you their number and they're going to give you the wrong number, they're not, he's like,

people aren't creative enough to come up with a whole different number. They always give you the first eight digits of their number. Oh God. And then the last digit is the wrong one. So you just keep guessing. Like nobody's ever like nine, four, seven,

two, seven, four, four, seven. They're always do their number. Whatever it is. It's like three, two, three, four, four, five, four, five, four, four, five, five, 7. They always do their number, whatever it is. It's like 3, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 4, 5, 4, 4, 4, 5, 5, 5. And then the last number is different.

Whatever. I thought it was a funny fucking bit. Maybe you don't like it. He's funny. All right, dude? You pieces of shit. What do you want from me? You got to fucking...

You got to fucking... Dude, there was a Just for Laughs party. Or no, a party at Just for Laughs in the fucking... What do you call it? In Just for Laughs in Montreal. And there was a true TV party party and they got and they were like it's a true tv party and all they had were bagels and like one piece of meat in it like it was so sad dude it was like come on true tv you're really trying to really trying to get going with your fucking network and they give us fucking sesame bagels with fucking one slice of turkey in it

and we're like this is a party? Maybe they paid for the bar tab. I don't know. But maybe they didn't, dude. So they have that impractical jokers. Dude, they're fucking killing it. They didn't know. Apparently, they were like, let's try to do a live show.

They did a live show, and they sold out an arena. That's how big the show was, and they had no fucking idea. Yep, they're huge. Those guys are fucking rolling in it. Those guys are loaded as shit. There's four of them, and they had no fucking idea. Yep, they're huge. Those guys are fucking rolling in it. Those guys are loaded as shit. There's four of them, so they have to split it. That's why I do my podcast by myself, man. I want that Brinks truck, dude.

I'm not trying to split it. Fuck this fighter and the kid bullshit. Oh, they got to split it, dude? The fuck out of here. They're always like, our podcast is bigger than yours, and I'm like, yeah, cool. You got two of you. Split it, bitches. I fucking make more than you because of that. That's what's up, dude.

I don't know if I do or not, but split your fucking money. You fucking 52-year-old. Callan Brendan Schaub you big bully I love those guys man I'm gonna fucking take that belt away from Theo too dude you just watch I'm gonna melt it down and make him some fucking nice earrings dude

I'm gonna take that belt that bullshit fighter in the kid belt that Theo Vaughn fucking tours with. Imagine checking that. Imagine bringing it on the plane like you're a lost pro wrestler. And he brings it around and takes pictures with fans. That's hilarious, by the way. When I get that motherfucker, dude, you babies vote for me. T-V-A-K fucking whatever the acronym is.

T-V-A-K. dude you babies vote for me tfak fucking whatever the acronym is tfak you get that fucking belt for me bro i'm gonna melt that shit down mark my words i'm gonna melt that motherfucker down and make some nice dangly earrings for theo vaughn too and that motherfucker's gonna wear them like a housewife. You understand? Fuck this TVAK shit, man. You big bully and you 52-year-old. That's it. I ain't mincing words, dude. With your fucking Photoshop promos. Get out of here, dude.

Real deals coming for you, man. Get out of here with your fucking 4,000 likes on Instagram anyway I love doing shows with those guys man comedy stores the shit been doing the improv a little bit lately too gonna be at the comedy store all week though so come see your boy. Your boy.

Well, I guess that's it, man. We're 57 minutes in and, you know, you're with me through the end. That's the thing. We're going to announce some elders soon too here. We got to do that. We're not going to do it right now, but thanks for chilling with me, you guys.

You guys are fucking awesome. Get tickets, Wichita, Kansas, Kansas City, Missouri, Lincoln, Nevada, Reno, Nevada, Las Vegas. I'm going to London and London, Ontario and Ottawa, Ontario, uh, and Washington DC, New York, New York, Monaco, New Jersey. This is the follow the leader tour and a bunch of other dates. So go do that. Download my app, uh, wherever apps are, wherever, wherever apps are available.

Chris D'Elia, just type that in to the App Store and you'll be able to see this podcast before anyone else. Square Cash. Square Cash. Check out the new Boost Rewards program. Get the Cash app. Enter rewards code congrats. Get $5 and give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for

iOS or Android now. Download the app. Don't forget, subscribe to the YouTube channel. Those will be out usually a day later, the videos. And ask us stuff. Congratulations pod, hashtag. And that's it.

Be on the lookout for my new Netflix thing coming out. You guys are the best. And remember, fuck tachkies. Congratulations. And remember, fuck tachkies. Thank you.