Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 82. Hoffa Nice Day

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

It's the 82nd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about gourds, and people who are gourds. Also discussed: not caring about food presentation, Yellow Submarine, District 9, Eminem, 69ing, pineapples on pizza, Die Hard, and some stories from elementary school. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply this episode 82 of congratulations is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone. Blue Apron achieves this by supporting a more sustainable food system, setting the highest standards for ingredients, and building a community of home chef.

Last thing I ate was this meal that was chicken and I believe some rice and vegetables and it was so good. It's always good though. Every meal is better than the next. Anyway, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats. That's blueapron.com slash congrats to get your first three meals free. Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

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And shout out to Mr. Green for the remix that you're about to listen to right now. Or that you just listened to. No, that you're about to listen to right now, right? Okay, well, one fire put it right now. So here we go. No no it doesn't say wait it says wait 15 seconds after theme song on the fucking copy. And he's like, no, you're supposed to wait to say shout out to Mr. Green afterwards. But one fire because the wait 15 seconds after theme song says it after the fucking thing.

So how am I supposed to know? But it's all good, man. You know, one fire. That's his charm. But we're live on my app here. And so that's what's up. And I see people ordering the new shirts, the new D'Elia's shirt, the Grand Slam fucking shirt where you can wear that and Grand Slam people all day long, man. It gives you – it's like a superpower.

It's like we're the Avengers, man, only there's so many of us. Yeah. So we added another show in Boston. Dude, Boston babies are coming out, man. We had three shows and we have three shows going. And then we added another one because the fucking demand was popular. So we added a fourth show at the Wilbur. Boston, get your tickets now.

That will sell out too for sure. And who knows, man? Who knows how many we'll add? I think Kevin Hart did like 19 one year. So let's try to do 20 that would be fucking unbelievable uh i just got back from um kansas well i was in wichita first kansas city and then lincoln and all those shows were awesome man like i say i don't know i never know what to expect do you know um we got an

iceland baby right here on my app saying greetings from iceland and his name is as grimmer as grimmer cool as grimmer that's his first name and it had some weird fucked up thing over the eye um why can't letters just be letters you know in different areas you got to put things above the fucking letters and that's that's some real fucking shit dude you got to put things above the fucking letters and that's that's some real fucking shit dude you got to put fucking asterisks and fucking dashes and two dots sometimes if you're swedish fuck is that the u or the o with the two dots above it bro why you have dots above it what the fuck you know also i scratched my knee way too hard on the way up here trying to get to the fucking studio which is you Also, I scratched my knee way too hard on the way up here trying to get to the fucking studio, which is, you know, definitely just scratched my knee way too hard.

And now I scratched it so hard that now when I scratch it, it hurts. So I was in Wichita, which, dude, I don't know how these towns are because I'm there for like 12 hours. But the shows were so awesome, man. You never know what to expect. And you get to these places and the babies come out. And, dude, you guys were awesome. Wichita show was one for the ages. Kansas City show was one for the ages.

And Lincoln show was pretty damn good. I'm not going to say it was one for the ages, but it was pretty damn good. and Lincoln Show was pretty damn good. I'm not going to say it was one for the ages, but it was pretty damn good. It's always great to have the best show and then the best show and then one that's not necessarily the best show. But it was a great show.

So, but the theater in Kansas City. I did the Arvest Bank Theater or whatever. It's so funny that these theaters will be so goddamn beautiful. And then it's just called the sponsor of it. It'll be like, you know, yeah, the fucking the Hertz Theater. And it's like a beautiful theater that was built in 1910. And it's historic. And then Hertz comes along and it's like, we'll sponsor it.

And then they fucking put the yellow Hertz sign on the fucking thing. But it's such a great theater. It was so great. It was sold out. I mean, it looked beautiful. You know what's the worst? Is that like I'll do these shows there and there'll be so many people there and they'll be like yeah fucking yeah let's go and then i get there and the crowd's amazing and theater's beautiful and i'm like i should have fucking waited and used this to shoot a special

here and then i shoot my specials in these fucking things sometimes that aren't the best and it's like okay it's like i get up there and i'm like okay crowd hey crowd, be better. And also, theater, be more described. You know, because I want to fucking... Yeah. But dude, I don't know if you've been catching up with my Instagram stories. I've been trying to post up more and I've been trying to post more of the fucking, what do you call it? More of the Instagrams. The more you post, the more followers you get, I noticed.

But I saw, dude, did you see the one where I put it on my story and then I just had to put it on my regular thing, my opener? Dude, first of all, he fucking was chilling with us. We were having a coffee and we were right before we were going to do shows or whatever. It was in LA. And I'm there with my Irish friend too. And another buddy, Zach, Zach Doncovio was there. That guy. If you listen to the podcast, you know that that's how he laughs.

And he's got the highest ass of any non-black guy. It's unbelievable. His ass is so high, he shits out of his shoulder he's puerto rican and uh and he had a fucking shirt on that that had an old martin shirt on that said damn gina and he's like anyway um my fucking opener had a bulge we were just chilling having a good time and he was like feeling himself you know he he like ran he had a bulge. We were just chilling, having a good time. And he was like feeling himself. You know, he like ran. He had a good fucking jog. And then he took a shower and he felt good.

And he was just hanging and he was sitting like he was confident and shit. And I look at the back of his knee and he's got a clump on the back of his knee on his stupid tight G-Star pants that I have too. That he's trying to fucking be like all cool in but with an old shirt on. Or some free swag that he got from a podcast. And he's like sitting like he's in charge or some shit. And then I look on the back. And he's got a bulge. And I'm like, what the fuck is on the. I'm like, dude, what do you have on the back of your fucking pants?

And he was like, what? And he looked. Dude, he had fucking a sock in the back of his knee in tight jeans he looked like such an asshole dude i should have left it he looked like a t-rex with a backwards knees he was fucking t-rex would you ever have the fucking underwear in the back of your knees that you you you put on and you're like and you have other new underwear on but your old underwear is on because you fucking either you you you had sex and you wiped up the mess with the old shit or you fucking was that you were a naughty boy you were a naughty boy and you were solo coming but you wiped it up with your fucking with your old

underwear and you put it in your in your pants and you didn't realize it and it's in the back of your fucking knee and you got a a messy a messy underwear or a messy sock on the back of your knee, and you wear a new underwear, but you're like, where'd that fucking, where'd that sploogey shit go? And you don't know, and you're like, yeah, it's probably under the bed. The dog's got it. And you're walking out, and you're, I'm walking on sunshine. But really, you got a fucking sploogey mess on the back of your knee?

You got a fucking underwear full of cum you got commie underwear on the back of your knee walking around looking like a t-rex you're t-rexing it dude you got a fucking you you think you're cool you think you're feeling yourself dude my my opener had a commie sock on a fucking he looked like a t-rex walking to the coffee shop oh we were fucking dying dude and then zach don covio couldn't stop laughing he was guy laughs at everything it's unbelievable oh we were dying anyway it's on my instagram if you haven't seen it if you haven't seen it though whatever who gives a fuck um Anyway, it's on my Instagram if you haven't seen it. If you haven't seen it, though, whatever.

Who gives a fuck? But yeah, I got people on my app telling me they've done it before. I've done it with my underwear before. Yep. But do you leave the house? Do you get to your destination and do you chill like a confident bro? No. You get it before you leave. maybe if you're a chick i understand

because the underwears are so sexy and dainty and small but if you're a dude that's just all clumped if you have boxers on bro what you might as well be having a fucking small you might might as well be having a pumpkin in the back of your what do they call those gourds you might as well be having a fucking gourd in your pants how gross are gourds dude what do they look like old guys faces hey gourds get rid all your fucking warts before i eat you know hey do you eat those what are those they can't taste. You ever have a meal where it's like, and on the side we have gourds. That's why they named them gourds. Because you would never eat them anyway. Look at these fucking things.

They're so gross. Little ass pumpkin ass motherfucking bitches. Dude, you know these fucking gourds. You know pumpkins are fucking all these gourds, bitches. If I was a gourd you'd have to be one talented motherfucker if you were a gourd you'd have to like be real good at painting or singing if you were a gourd you'd have to be real good at painting or singing because pumpkins are out there trying to steal your bitches with your warty ass body these fucking things some of them like they have two

bodies they have one body and then it's some gourds have one body and then it's like a little thin like uh segue to another big ass body it's like what are you gourd dude gourds suck gourds are the worst some people are gourds you know they're just like you know and you're like you're a gourd what are you a fucking gourd hey bro you know that chick at the fucking you know that loud chick that's like there's like different kinds of chicks you know there's like the hot chick that's like the hot chick and she's know, there's like the hot chick. That's like the hot chick. And she's an asshole because she's the hot chick. But then there's the hot chick that had good parents. And then she knows she's the hot chick.

And so she's like, tries to treat everybody better because not that she thinks she's better then, but she's like, look, I know I get stuff because of my looks. So I have to be careful about that. And that's a good person. And it's a hot chick and she's a good person. It's free conch. You can be any way you want to. You can be the nasty hot chick,

but you can be the nice hot chick. Right? Then there's the girl that's like the fucking fun friend. Right? That's got the great personality. Maybe she's not the hottest chick, whatever.

But then there's the girl that's got like the, the not, doesn't have the looks, but then also she's like, been like so like, you know, not paid attention to that. She's like also loud and annoying. And she's always the girl that tries to squash, you know, you trying to talk to the hot chick. Right.

And then the hot chicks like I really actually have to leave with my friend because i know this always happens but she's being shitty and yeah and that girl also is shitty and she sometimes has bad breath too that's a gourd that's a gourd hey girl who does that you gourd. Dude, it's weird you have arms and legs because instead of that, you should just have a warded up green body because you gourd. I want a girl to act like that. I want to be like, hey, how come you don't have a stem on your head why don't you have a fucking chode stem on your head guys are like that too though you ever get the fucking guy where it's like oh so because some guys are like that too dude you get the guy that's like the

stuff these are the different guys too you get the guy that's the fucking good looking dude. That's like, you know, charismatic. Maybe he's not the smartest guy, but he's a cool dude. Right. Good at like a lot of things and his family's rich, but he's like, you know, he helps like society and shit. Does something with like some foundations. And then you get the guy who's just got everything. And then he says stuff like guilt, guilt is a, is a human is humans are the only one that feels that feel guilt. So it's unnecessary. You do what

you have to do. And guilt is a human thing. Do you think animals feel guilt? No. So why would I have to feel guilt? And that guy date rapes. And that guy date rapes. And that guy sucks. But he's good looking. So he tricks a lot of people. He tricks a lot of chicks. And then you got the guy who's like the fucking, you know, stocky, like short guy. But like he's like, hey, what's going on?

Who's this guy? What's going on with this guy? What's this guy? You know? He's like, hey, what's going on? Who's this guy? What's going on with this guy? Hey, hey, what's this guy?

You know? And then you got another guy who's like the fucking tall oaf, but like the nice guy that always is like, my best friend's a chick. And then you got, but he never, ever, ever had sex with her. And then you get the guy that's like the fucking, oh, girls know what I'm talking about too. You get the fucking like pudgy guy that's like scott clammy hands but also he thinks he's god's gift to whiffing to women women whiffing god's gift to women i'm talking too fast babies that's what happens sometimes you change m's to f's when you talk too fast but um he thinks he's god's gift to women but he's not he just like is maybe good

at lacrosse a little bit but also not the best on the team but he's like the fucking that guy hey guy got a question for you dude do you have warts on your midsection because you gourd dudes chicks don't beds, if you're not that fucking good looking, you got to work on your fucking personality, man, don't be a gourd, don't look bad and not be able to be served with a fucking salmon, huh, come on, man, at least if you look ugly, be like a fucking, you know, least if you look ugly be like a fucking you know what looks ugly i mean all fucking vegetables look ugly but they taste good sometimes you steam a carrot that shit's fucking bonkers broccoli looks ugly as shit bro you steam it right and put some garlic on that you put some garlic on broccoli? Forget it. What are you eating, a cookie? Dude, you put some fucking garlic.

Have you put fucking garlic? Dude, if you eat a regular broccoli, that shit tastes like a cardboard egg. Dude, if you put garlic and steamed broccoli and then put a little bit of salt and pepper on it, fuck that shit. No, forget it. Dude, you want to eat some broccoli with garlic on it? Forget it, dude. This is how I feel when I eat broccoli with garlic on it. There you go. And I got a bag of broccoli with garlic on it.

I got a bag of broccoli with fucking garlic just holding it, walking down the street. You can't stop me dude If I have fucking garlic and broccoli In a bag walking down the street Fuck you dude Go ahead try to fucking ruin my day You can't That's that fucking dude that's good for you I mean I don't know he's no you know

I don't know what food looks good and is good But that's where you get chefs involved Chefs are I don't want. He's no, you know. I don't know what food looks good and is good. But that's where you get chefs involved. Chefs are, I don't want my food to look good. I don't want it. I don't want my food to look good. I don't want my food. I just, I want it to taste good.

I don't need the presentation. When you're watching these chef shows and they're like, I give the presentation a 10. Dude, guess what? If you got the presentation a 10, the presentation to me is a zero. Because it's about making the food taste good. I don't give a fuck what it looks like. Oh, you put orange on it? I don't care.

What's the sauce? Oh man, one day I'm going to get Zach here just to sit and laugh. And we're going to put him on the other microphone and you're just going to... That's who should be the fucking guest that would be hilarious um oh he goes like that a lot of course he does by the way he's got a good personality if he didn't he'd be a fucking gourd i can't believe he had a fucking sock in his jeans, dude. I was on... I'm not going to mention this rapper because I don't want to out him. But I was in...

I was going to Wichita. I was flying to Dallas first. I flew through Dallas to get to Wichita. And boy, is that not a fucking Steve Miller song. Or not. I flew through Dallas, went to wichita fuck this dude how come music in the 70s that came out always sounded like they were recording so far away from the fucking microphone anytime you listen to steve miller band i want to be like

hey man get closer to the fucking mic it's like they're just so echoey and shit i hate all that music when people are talking about hey my, my favorite band is Boston or Chicago. Any band named by a fucking city? Eh. Go hike. Call yourself the Beatles or the Foxes or some shit like that. That's what bands are named. Call your fucking shit, you know.

Coney Island. Call your fucking shit, you know, Coney Island. So I was at the airport. And now, look, this is not a brag or anything. I fly first class. I do it because I have to, or business class, right? I do it because it's not worth it. I need to be comfortable for my shows.

I take the money. I put it into the fucking flight. You got to be comfortable for my shows. I take the money. I put it into the fucking flight. You got to be comfortable. Pete Holmes told me that once. He's like, dude, you got to be comfortable when you travel. That's what you got to make this. And he's right. He told me that once on the way to Montreal.

And, you know, you get first. If you can afford it, you get the business because you got it. Okay? I'm not trying to be. But that's what I do. Also, you know. No, no, also. Fuck you're also.

All right. So I'm there and I'm, I'm, I see a rapper show up and he's on the flight to Dallas as well. Now, of course, since he's a rapper, he's got 90 guys with him. All right. Now, dude, he's got his, he's got his bodyguard, I guess. Another guy. He's got a few gourds with him for sure. He's got a few gourds with him for sure. He's got a few gourds with him for sure.

As a matter of fact, I want you guys to – if you've got that friend that's bad looking with a bad personality, you tell him he's a fucking gourd and you say Chris D'Elia sent you. Tag him on his Instagram. Tag him on his Twitter. But anyway, so I see this rapper and he's got a few gourds with him and a bodyguard and he's got a lot of face tattoos and he's a young rapper up and coming i like some of his music all right now of course in real life because he talks you know these rappers a lot of these rappers like i'm hard as fuck you don't fuck with me and if you see them in real life they're five three i'm telling you these rappers are five three all these rappers have short guy complexes that's why they're talking about yeah all I'm telling you, these rappers are 5'3". All these rappers have short guy complexes.

That's why they're talking about, yeah, all this ice, fuck you. I got this grill that costs 18K, and I fucked your bitch. Oh, yeah? Really? Well, did you put your whole body in her pussy? Because you're 5'4". Okay? Were your pink dreads peeking out of her pussy while you dove in with your feet first?

Were your pink dreads peeking out of her pussy while you dove in with your feet first? So this guy, and also this is how they bust a nut when they're in your girl. Because they have fucking auto-tune. And so that's why they're not even using auto-tune anymore. They're just that short that that's how they sound when they rap. Oh, girl, I fucked your girl. That's why I fucked your girl. And also, I got 18K in my mouth. 18K in my mouth.

So I see this guy. He's got gourds with him, and he's got a fucking girl. Oh, and they've always got this fucking girl that's like is she white or an alien like there's she's so white she's so white that she's pasty or you're like oh no maybe though instead of that you from saturn you from georgia or saturn she was so white, she was like gray. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? My brother dated a girl once that was so white, she was gray.

Like that gray kind of tint where you're like, was your mom a white girl and your dad named Zorgon? He's just like, I want you home by 1130. No offense or butts. She's like, and the mom's like, Zorgon, let her hang. It's her prom night. It doesn't matter. I know how these humans can get when with their erections.

They're going to try and stick themselves inside of my offspring so um zorgon quiet bitch sorry humans are much more advanced when it comes to feminism than we are on the planet crevlar fuck you bitch face can i get out of the basement? No. Ow. Be home by 1130, bitch. Okay, dad. Then she leaves. But anyway, so, Jesus Christ. So he's got an alien white girlfriend and a few gourds with him and a bodyguard maybe.

And they've all got the worst shoes i'm just gonna these rap some of these rappers know what's up with the shoe wear like they'll just wear the jordans or wear the yeezys they'll wear the cool shit but some of these rappers get something i don't even know the high tops that go so high like to the fucking knee put a put get the here's a walking stick dude get out of town all right but um so i'm like he's got nine guys with him i'm like dude i guess he's gonna fly first and all these other guys are gonna fly coach or whatever so i get to the fucking thing and i guess if also they showed up late or not so i'm in first class and i'm waiting for these guys and all of them walk past all of them walk past they're all in coach

this rapper who is he plays bigger venues than i do and he he he's got you know the the watches with the diamonds on them i don't know if they're fake but the chains with diamonds i mean this guy's got a hundred two hundred three hundred thousand dollars on his fucking body and he's not i mean it's got to be fake because he's not flying for why wouldn't you fly business class if you had a fucking 40k on your wrist get 38k on your wrist wrist and get up closer to the cockpit so so he walked by man he walked by he walked on by walk on by bam bam bam bam walk on by bam dude how about how music used to be? Anyway, so we fucking...

I mean, dude, how about how music used to be? We all live in a yellow submarine. And people are like, music isn't that good nowadays. Oh, yeah? Sup with that yellow submarine song so anyway um so anyway he walked on by man and he fucking and he didn't do it he was in coach with his fucking 18 gourds just chilling and then a fucking but let's like what the fuck these rappers are all lying if this guy's lying they're all lying that's crazy dude like it's it's embarrassing if you're like yo i'm a rapper i get money i got money i

fucked your bitch and And excuse me. I need to get my bag up there. Excuse me. Can I get peanuts? Do we get meals? No, only in the business class. Okay. Can I get peanuts and pretzels, please?

We ran out. Okay. I'll just sit so erect. I'll just sit so erect. It's unbelievable. Just weird, dude. But yeah, man, had none of that fucking. I also didn't have the ice on.

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We doing it, baby. So, yeah, Rapper's doing it, baby. So yeah, rappers fly coach, man. I don't know if you know that, but big rappers with millions of followers fly coach. I was watching that movie District 9. You ever watch that movie with District 9? What is that up there? Picture. Nope.

I saw District 9 when it came out. But I always think about this about people. It's impossible for us to be honest with someone because we are never honest with ourselves. Well, not never, but it's so hard to be honest with ourselves. And this is what made me think about it all over again. I was watching the movie District 9. And in the movie District 9, I'm not going to ruin it for you, but in the beginning, so the movie is about these aliens come down to Earth.

They're in South America. What? Oh, right, South Africa. Sorry. They're in South Africa. And one higher. Corrected me South Africa. And – one higher. Correct me in a good way? One higher.

So they're in South Africa and they land there – or they've been there already and they have like this area that is like the quote-unquote ghetto where they stay and hang out. And the South Africans are like, you know what? We need to move them. hang out and the south uh africans are like you know what we need to move them so they get the government in south africa to move them into these basically camps which is a lot like what you see now going on with trump's wall and shit like that so uh what happens is they get one of the guys in one of these government positions that um is like you're gonna be the guy that leads and goes into these houses. And basically it's a peon job.

It's dangerous. But he's like, yeah, I'll do it because it's like awesome. You guys need me? He's like one of these little guys that's a bait that ends up in this position where he's like, yeah, cool. Everyone likes me. I'll do it. So he goes and does it.

And when he does it, he's there and he's like he's looking for paraphernalia, he's looking for weapons, he's looking for drugs and he finds this one thing where he's such a goofball, he's kind of happy that he's still got this position and so he's like okay so we found this one thing, I don't know what it is and this is what the movie's about, this is in the beginning so I'm not

ruining it but this canister it sprays it pops and it sprays and it goes into his face and he starts coughing and he's like, oh, I don't know what it is, but it's not, he's like, it's not a weapon, but it's definitely dangerous. So, or wait, he's like, it's not a weapon, but it's dangerous. So I'm taking it in, but it can be dangerous, but it's definitely not a weapon. And then he gets sprayed and he's like, oh, don't worry, it's not a weapon. It's not a weapon. And he's lying to us. But he thinks he's telling the truth.

He's just lying to himself. He's saying it out loud because he wants it to not be true. So he's lying to himself. So him telling us that is not necessarily a lie. He thinks it's the truth, but he probably would know it if he really sat down and thought oh no i'm actually scared it is a weapon i'm saying it's dangerous but it's not a weapon which makes no sense if it's dangerous it is a weapon so that is what we do all day long we do a version of that all day long we do it all day long we do it consciously when somebody says are you hungry

i'm not it's like no i'm not hungry we don't need to eat, but you are hungry. And then we do stuff like where it's like, dude, I'm happy with my body like this. Fuck that. I don't want to be one of those guys that doesn't eat carbs and doesn't enjoy life when really you want the good body or whatever the fuck, right? But a lot of those people are like that. So it's hard to not be a liar is my point. We're all fucking lying all day long we're all lying to ourselves all day long because we say shit like that man i mean granted there's like a percentage of people that do it a little uh you know less of a percentage than most of the people but dude so that movie made me think about that because the acting was so good and the guy was so good and it just felt like uh it was funny i was like oh that's that thing i think about sometimes

you know like we're all fucking lying always in that movie it hey dude art's good babies i know i blast art a lot but that's what fucking that's what I'm saying art art made me fucking realize something all over again and it's important art changed my life in that one moment art changed my life I'm ordering food on you motherfuckers dude I ain't got no motherfuckers that's why I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker

fake money fake money I'm ordering food motherfuckers First off You ain't shit cause I ordered food Um But yeah Movies teach lessons

Is what I'm trying to say My words and weapons I use them to crush my opponents You ever hear that Eminem song My words and weapons I use them to crush my opponents. You ever hear that Eminem song? My words and weapons, I use them to crush my opponents. My words and weapons, I use them to crush my opponents. Opponents, opponents, opponents. I make a bonus, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents, opponents,

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And chonies and boners. You're going to crush my opponents. Um. Oh man. Oh wait. What is it going to go up? These warrants and weapons. I never show no emotion. Even though I'm angry right now.

What I mean when I say I don't show emotions is I don't cry, even though I got songs about crying. I'm basically a hypocrite. I'm just lying. Even though I'm crying, I'm lying to myself like I'm the guy that doesn't disignate. I'm lying to myself like the... I'm lying... Even though I say I'm not lying, I'm crying. Even though I say I'm... Even though I say I'm not crying, I'm lying like the guy in District 9. Like he says,

this is not a weapon. Speaking of weapons, I use weapons because I'm just trying to... Why does Eminem always sound like he's under a truck? Get this truck up off me. I got bad luck. There's a truck on me. There's a truck on me and bad luck.

What the fuck? There's a truck on me. There's bad luck. Get the truck off me. I'm about to upchuck. About to upchuck because there's a truck on me. What the fuck? I got some bad luck.

My words are weapons, but they don't help me now. Wow. My words are weapons, but they don't help me now. Wow. Get this truck on me before I uptruck. I'm fucked. I've been in some bad luck. I won't be crying, but I never show no emotions.

Even though I'm lying like the gang fuck oh shit i love when i'm doing all this and i'm sweating my balls off and then i look over one fire and i even get rid of and they're literally just like googling porn or whatever not laughing it's so awesome dude just googling interracial porn oh fuck man i love it dude oh fuck yeah look siri literally i pick up my phone and siri says i don't know how to respond to that and that's what it says i never i, I didn't mean to hit her button. She was just like, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doofing? Yeah, dude, this is a fun, funky, fun, funky episode, dude. We're having a good time, dude. I just want to, I'm down for a silly goose time and that's it, man.

That's it. And guess, and there's two things I don't give a fuck about this week, man. A new segment called two things I don't give a fuck about this week, man. A new segment called Two Things I Don't Give a Fuck About. I don't give a fuck if pineapple belongs on pizza or not. Stop talking about it. Either get Hawaiian pizza or don't. Why do people get consumed with things that aren't things? You boring piece of shit? Ye gourd? Turn

round. Let me grab your stem and push it closer to m'cock. I'll fuck you doggy style, gourd. Get out of here. You're boring. Hey, pineapple. Hey, so what's the deal? You like pineapple on pizza or not? You're born. Excuse me. Let me catch some Z's while you ask that question. Hey, is your favorite letter Z? Because here's a pocket full of them. I got a pocket full of Z's and I'm about to take a nap because you're talking about pineapple.

Dude, here's another thing I don't give a flying rat fuck about. Is die if Die Hard is a christmas movie or not it doesn't matter you boring guy at a party take out good take out a guitar who gives a shit if die hard is a christmas movie or not you know why it's a movie you can watch watch it at christmas if to, or watch it in June. Because if you're asking me that question, I've got another pocket full of Z's for you. Who gives a shit, you uninteresting gourd? How interesting that... Are you a gourd, cause I'm bored, how interesting is it,

that gourd rhymes with bored, are you a gourd, cause I'm bored, I'm on a world tour, but I can't get, doesn't matter, cause I'm still bored, and I got my pockets fanning,

cause these, these are my pockets, cause I'm a fan, worst song ever, worst song of all time, these are my Parkinson's fan. Um, worst song ever. Worst song of all time. Uh, yeah, dude, I don't care about both of those things, man. So stop asking, stop making surveys. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie or not? Doesn't matter.

Duh, meh. Duh, meh. You know what also is for the birds, dude? Sixty-nining. Yo, if something feels good on my cock cock i don't want anything in my mouth you know what i'm saying dude what what what what the fuck dude i used to know i know this guy who he said dude he said he's 69 all the time and i was like really why and he was like dude i don't know sometimes i just fall into it and we were roasting him so hard in the fucking at the one-on-one diner well dude i was crying

laughing we were pretending he was getting a blow job and he was like oh no no no no no no no no and the girl was turning around he was like no no no and he couldn't stop like he would try so i don't know i did it he told us he did it in a bathtub once. And we were, dude, we were pissing and shitting and crying so hard. Dude, we were laughing so hard. We were like in a bathtub. I was like, how do you even turn around in a bathtub? We get it on a bed. You could fucking spin around.

But in a bathtub, it was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I feel so good. But. Dude, if it feels good on my privates, guess what I'm not doing? Munching. Forget that, dude. Also, dude, you know what? That's where the phrase, I can't be bothered, came out.

Oh, I'm about to fucking bust my nuts. I'm about to fucking, who's that politician that's named Bustamante? What's his name? How is that guy's name every time i read that guy's name i think bust my nutty it's childish but anyway dude oh he's a lawyer i think actually anyway whatever fucking it doesn't matter dude i i i can't be bothered dude dude. And neither can the chick, man. If it feels good on her fucking face hugger, then dude, why are you gonna... If you're making her face hugger feel good, then why are you concentrated on... Dude, that's so fucking frat guy to be like, yeah, I'm making her fucking... I'm making her feel good, but let me see if I can weasel my cock in her mouth.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, but let me see. Oh, dude. Yeah, I'm going to make her cum so hot, but let me see if I can weasel my cock in her mouth. Let me see. I got to get mine too, though. You know what I mean?

This ain't just about making a... I mean, look. I lay down in the bedroom. When it comes to laying flat with a girl, I'm putting work. I'm just saying, if we could spin around, kill two blades with one stone.

I can't be bothered with 69ing, dude. I can't be bothered with 69ing, dude. I can't be bothered. You know what I mean? It's like, come on. Whatever. Anyway, dude. It's the first time I've ever called a vagina

a fucking facehugger, that's for sure. Hey, there's a first for everything, isn't there? There's a first time. How about when people say that? Hey, there's a first time for everything. Really? Hmm.

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Cruz Bust My Nutty. Yeah, anyway. I don't know. I was thinking a lot when I was a kid about me when I was a kid because I was thinking a lot when I was a kid about me when I was a kid. Because I was thinking about kids and if I was going to have them and stuff. But dude, I want to go on record. And I know some high school kids probably listen to this.

And I don't want to be a bad influence, but I fucking hated school, dude. The second I got out of that, I went to one year at NYU, and I fucking bounced. I didn't even go a year. I dropped. I, like, stopped going to class. Oh, I bounced the fuck out. Wow, I'm sweating as shit. I bounced the fuck out.

I was such a fucking weirdo, dude. I was so scared, too, as a kid. I thought everyone was going to murder me, and aliens were going were gonna come down and fucking birds were gonna abduct me i remember one time i think i told the podcast this but my dad was like what are you scared of just go to bed and i was in my bed and i said everything birds yeah i did tell that i did i did right um but uh yeah i i was scared i would have to go to school, and I was so scared, dude, because I was like, I don't trust these motherfucking teachers, dude, I was like, I was like, here we go, here comes the mention, I was like, Tupac and these motherfuckers, I was like, I don't, I don't trust these, I don't trust these motherfuckers, just some teacher that has a job that can abduct me get out of here dude so i um the first time i went to school

i i i i made my dad wait i was like dad you gotta wait outside the hallway he's like i can't wait and he put and he did and then the second and then the second i got free i could look out and he wasn't there dude he went back home and i was so upset i think i told this this story on the podcast, but I went, I went home and I was like, and mom was like, how was school? And I was like, how was it? Well, I don't know if you know this, but dad's a liar. It's probably cheating on you. It's probably got another family.

Why? Well, because I asked him to stay outside of the classroom in the hallway of Northeast School in Montclair, New Jersey. And he said he would. And instead, he went to work. So you might want to look around for that other family. Because dad's a liar. Anyway, I'll be going playing with my he-mans and transformers let me know what you find out there's no google or internet so there's no possible way you can find out if he's cheating so good luck but go ahead um

and then the other one was when I had to go to the next year I was like dude I don't want to have I just figured out how to be with this teacher and I trust her and then I had to go to school another year and there's a new fucking lady that's gonna I'm gonna have to I don't trust these I don't

trust these hoes dude I was five not There's a new fucking lady that's going to, I'm going to have to, I don't trust these. I don't trust these hoes. Dude, I was five not trusting these hoes. Okay. You think you're fucking, you think you're cool rapper? Cause you're, you're 18, 25, 30, not trusting these hoes, bro. I wasn't trusting these hoes before I was walking. I wasn't trusting these hoes before I was walking. I used to be afraid of the fucking Twizzlers commercial because they had random female lips on them eating Twizzlers.

Dude, that shit freaked me the fuck out. My mom would be like, what? What are you so scared of? And I'd be like, mouths. I was so scared of lips when I was a kid. I ain't because that's where that's when fucking these hoes start trifling man from the lips man they tell you these lies these fucking 1984 twizzlers commercials bro these twizzlers commercials in 1984 with the lips bro they used to scare the shit out of me man eating twizzlers saying they taste like strawberries bro we don't know what they taste like you know why because these hoes are trifling man they make your mouth happy all

right anyway i was uh i you know guess what all women had? Lips, dude. How can I trust these hoes when these Twizzlers commercials were crazy and scary as fuck? So I'd have to go to school with a fucking, in a new, I just figured out my old school. I got to come to a new fucking class with a new teacher with a new set of lips on her. Get out of here, dude. So I fucking went. And I was like you know what i know i can't trust not only can i not trust these hoes but i can't trust my dad

either my own fucking he made me i can't trust this motherfucker because he's going to choose work over me so i went to school and i was like yeah let me just sit through this intro i can't wait till the class has to get up and go get some supplies because the second we got to go get some supplies, guess what I'm doing? I'm fucking, yo, the movie Fast and Furious is about me. So. They're like, okay, class, that's what we're doing today. Everyone get up and get your fucking cardboard and scissors or whatever the fuck.

Get your cardboard and dull scissors that you couldn't kill a fucking lazy caterpillar with. So I did, dude. I walked over near the door like somebody with a secret and i had one i was gonna dip the fuck out dude and i waited near that door nonchalantly like a motherfucker chilling while everyone and i remember looking at the teacher and i thought the second she turns around i'm dipping out and i remember thinking as a five-year-old or six-year-old or however old I was, five, six, I got to do it like nothing's wrong. I got to do it like I'm not doing

it. This is where I was just like, I got to pretend like I'm just, you know, I can just walk. Well, fuck it. She doesn't know. Maybe I'm going to look at something outside. So I remember I was looking at her and I remember I set it up to where I was going to just take a step backwards. I wasn't even going to turn around because that was going to, it was going to, that was going to take more time than just backing up. So I was like that Homer Simpson gif where he goes into the bushes, you know, and I fucking, and I just backed the fuck up. I just backed up, dude. I, I just straight up was looking at this chick and i backed up like a homosexual looking for a cock and i fucking backed up and i and as soon as i backed up and was out of plain view when she turned around i fucking i ran so fast to the i was in the hallway all the schools were

inside on the east coast because of weather and armageddon. And I ran out. I hit that fucking loudest shit door. You know, that big ass rod that is connected to that red door. Boom, ran out. And I was, dude, I was free. I was free. And I knew the way home. It was three blocks away. We only live three blocks away on Westview Road. And I fucking ran. And I went, I hit the, as soon as I got onto that parking lot, guess what I saw, dude? Guess what I saw? The worst thing you could possibly fucking see. One teacher. I saw one teacher.

I actually don't even think she was a teacher. I think she was there for like some sort of conference thing, whatever. You know what she had on too. A brown blazer with a brown skirt and a fucking frilly thing that was like i'm a woman but also respect me because this is the 80s and she guess what guess if she had short hair or not you already know the answer she did and i was i literally thought and I was, I literally thought,

like this, I literally thought, it was all quick in my head, but I literally thought, this fucking, this fucking chick thinks she can stop me, I already got through the hard part, I snuck out, she ain't catching me. And I saw her, and it was like a fucking matador. I was like, oh, shit. And I stopped in my tracks. She looked at me. Dude, this woman in this fucking skirt suit straight up got into a fucking kibadachi stance.

She straight up lowered her center of gravity, looked at me, and like a lineman put her fucking hands out and i was like oh she's gonna try and catch me and i was like here we go motherfucker make or break dude and i swear to god dude this music started playing swear to God, dude, this music started playing. And I fucking, dude, I pivoted and I fucking started running, running as fast as my six-year-old legs could fucking take. And I wasn't a sports guy, but I did a juke move. I did a juke move on this girl with her skirt suit. And I fucking faked left. I remember I faked left and I went right, dude. And she was what we didn't forget about.

What we forget about is how much bigger adults are than six-year-olds. And all she had to do was grab me. And she grabbed me, lifted me off the ground with my little six-year-old feet kicking. I'm like, no no i want to go home and she brought me back to class and you know what the craziest thing about the rest of the fucking story is i don't remember beyond that i remember i tried to juke a Hillary Clinton looking ass motherfucker. And I remember being so mad at that chick for being there because she wasn't a teacher. She was just there for some conference, I remember.

And I was like, she's not even a fucking teacher and she caught me, dude. Why is she doing that? She doesn't even work for the school, you know? Why is she trying to catch kids, dude? I should have said she touched me, man. She brought me right back, dude. And my mom was like, you tried to, I got home,

and I was like, she was like, you tried to run away? I was like, yeah, fucking I did. My whole world's upside down. Dad's a liar. And I fucking, I tried to run home I couldn't get past dude I'm a man

and I couldn't get past a lady you think I don't know where fucking Westview Road is dude I caught I caught the fucking drives I get it

I'm a kid but I know dude I knew how to get to Westview Road man it was right next to Northeast you used to catch girls dude i used to do that when i was in school i used to catch girls that used to be a thing i remember me and fucking

cory bober and he had one weird little pinky dude cory bober had a little deformity just one little pinky that was weird but other than that he was just regular personed up and uh and wasn't that bad he had one pinky and he used to tell people that he got it because the fucking car his mom slammed the door in the car and his and his pinky got fucked up but i think all the kids knew that he was born with it but he still would lie about it because why wouldn't he? I would too, dude. And that guy had cool 80s hair. I remember Cory Bober. And he used to tell us that Jimmy Hoffa was buried in his basement for real. And I told my dad about it and my dad laughed so hard he cried. He said, dude, he's trying to tell you Jimmy Hoffa's buried in his basement. And I was like, well, he never found him.

He's like, dude, Corey Bulber thought Jimmy Hoffa was buried in his fucking basement in New Jersey because of some cat paw prints that were embedded in the cement. And he was like, Jimmy Hoffa had cats. And the owner knew Jimmy Hoffa. The last owner knew Jimmy Hoffa. And he was owner knew jimmy hoffa the last owner knew jimmy hoffa and he was in the fucking mafia so you do the math and i was like this math is done my friend i'm gonna tell my dad about this and if my dad can do that math jimmy hoffa is in your basement and we're gonna come down and we're gonna look at it and my dad left so fucking hard dude he left so

hard that he was crying and he said next time and he was like no Jimmy Hoffa's not buried in your friend fucking Cory Bober's basement he was like next time you see he was like next time you leave school go tell Cory Bober this is what you gotta say to him Hoffa nice day and my dad was laughing rolling around on the ground actually

on the couch and then he went on the ground and started rolling around dude so funny half a nice day half a nice day so no i don't know if they found jimmy hoffa since or not but that's not where jimmy hoffa was uh in cory bulper's basement and he also lied about his pinky being slammed in a fucking car door because his mom was at the grocery store and needed to get there very quickly because that's what he said. But anyway, Corey Bober and I used to fucking catch chicks.

We would catch girls, and they'd be running around. Girls like Rosemary and Ronnie would be running around, and we would catch them. And once we catch, you know, I mean, it's not like we would put them anywhere, but we'd be like, gotcha, and then we'd go get another one. And then they'd just run around and go on the fucking monkey bars or some shit

or whatever terrible fucking playground murderous devices they had in um oh man who was it doug that fucking smashed his balls on the monkey bars god damn that was the first real pain i saw as a kid he was standing on the monkey bars where you try to climb first real pain i saw as a kid he was standing on the monkey bars where you try to climb up and he goes and he fell and his balls hit the fucking thing and he just goes oh oh and his face got so red and just ran into the fucking classroom oh fuck man i think his name was doug wow what the fuck are these kids doing now? You know? Wow. I think Ronnie DM'd me recently. I missed, I fucking, I don't know if I accepted it or not.

Just probably kicking around Wachung Plaza going to Tony's getting some fucking Sour Patch kids. Or some warheads. That's what we used to do. Back then when we didn't even know what Asians were, man. We didn't even know what Asians were, dude. And now they're taking over with rich, crazy Asians. Dude. God bless.

All right. Well, we're done. We had a great time tonight, today, or whenever you're listening to this. Remember to download the Chris D'Elia app. Go to wherever apps are made. Download it. Blue Apron. Blue Apron.

Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats. And also download the Cash app for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. And to rewards code congrats, get $5 and give $5 to Time's Up. We really, truly appreciate you guys listening and spreading the word of this cult.

Thank you. Maybe spread it to somebody this week. Tell somebody about the podcast. Let them know because our numbers need to be going up because if we're not pushing forward, we're dying, dude. It's like a business. New merch available. We got those Grand Slam tees, man. Get it and slam your motherfucking enemies and slam your loved ones.

They say D'Elia's on them, and they're of a reminiscent food chain, that you might say. Follow the leader. Buy tickets at ChrisD'Elia.com. Follow the leader. Buy tickets at ChrisD'Elia.com. We added a new show in Boston. Let's get it, guys. Reno. Las Vegas is actually already

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So anyway, you guys, remember, have a nice day.