Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 83. Lit Asian Banker

Episode Date: August 29, 2018

  It's the 83rd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about his time with The Chainsmokers in Las Vegas. Also discussed: lobster quesadillas, cuddling, All Star by Smashmouth, Africa by Toto, Burning Man, and karaoke. We name a new Elder (finally!) and answer a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Episode 83. Where are all the babies huh are they all are they all here um anyway uh yeah you are all here or some of you well you're all here if you're listening that's how it goes i could be like hey you're listening now and you're listening because if you didn't if you're not you didn't hear it right um but uh i am i'm super back man and uh i was on the road uh i was on i did a show in reno which what the fuck is it and then i did a show in las vegas at the mirage both shows were awesome dude the reno show was awesome and the Las Vegas show was awesome. Reno is, you know, I don't know. It's funny how like it's like I don't even want to say a mini Vegas because it's not.

It's like they have casinos, but they're so spread apart from each other. It's also probably they're probably just as far from each other as they are in Las Vegas. It's just Las Vegas. There's more shit to do in between them. But like you're in one casino and you look out the window of the hotel and you're like, Oh, the other casino, it looks like it's fucking in California or in,

uh, in California. Yeah. Cause Reno's in Nevada. I don't, I didn't know where Reno was, but I was in Reno. Um, the great show was about, I think, 2,400 people there at the show.

And then in Vegas, it was sold out, however big that one is, at the Mirage. But, yeah, I don't know. I'm like, you know in you go in waves uh you know as a performer you're like oh yeah i'm really in in love with stand-up and in love with my act and i got my new shit and that's awesome and then you and and touring is cool going to different cities and then every now and then it's just you're like oh man you know you still you're in love with stand-up but it's like oh you're tired i'm tired of my material or I'm tired of touring. I want to be home.

So I'm fucking love in it right now. Like, I'm having so much fun, man. I'm just out there. I'm giving the fucking babies what they want. But more importantly, I'm doing what I want, because that's what the most important thing in life is. That's the most important thing in life is that's the most important thing in life one time i was in therapy and they were like uh and they were like uh well why don't you want to do your your math homework i was a kid you know and i was like because it sucks dude i'm never going to need to use it we're learning about imaginary numbers

that was it that was when i was out dude after we started being like after i heard there were imaginary numbers i gave i gave up on math i was like done oh they don't exist fucking see ya how many equations am i gonna do in my life zero i'm a comedian i'm a cut up baby cut ups don't do equations so um so anyway i i uh i did the vegas show i had a i had a crew with dude. It was like the sad entourage, man. Actually, entourage is the sad entourage. That fucking show. But I was with three other guys, and we were having fun.

And I was going to be in Las Vegas on the 25th. And I can't remember how it happened, i got into i'm i'm buds with the chain smokers and um i'm and uh i hit up alex or i don't remember if he hit up me or if i hit up him but i was like hey um we're gonna be in las vegas and he was like oh when i'm making up this first part, but he, we got to the point where we were talking about, I don't remember how it started talking, but he was like, Oh, we're going to be there on the 26th. And I was like, Oh shit. Well, we're staying another day. He's like, come out. And I was like, all right. And I don't fucking go out. You know, I don't really go out. My out is my, um, is my work. Like when I go out and I do my shows, that's it. That's the best

version of me going out as there is. Everyone's fucking paying attention to me and laughing at me. And then people are like, you want to go to a bar afterwards? And I'm like, no, this is the best. I'll just hang out on the patio of the comedy store and talk to the people who are at my show and fucking,

you know what I mean? Even though a lot of them are going to be annoying. Um, but a lot of them are going to be very cool. It's a mixture. It's like life, dude. It's like being anywhere when you're anyone. Some people are annoying.

Some people are cool. So I was like, all right, cool. Well, we were going to be out there anyway for an extra day, me and my buddies, me and the fellas, so why don't we go out? Why don't we come to your show? And he was like, dude, that would be awesome. We'll get it all hooked up, whatever. Now, I didn't know.

Look, I'm buds with these guys. I mostly know Alex because we text a lot, a bunch, but I met him, I can't remember where met him in australia when i was in australia because they were in australia at the same time and i think we followed each other on instagram and he's like bro we're out here too and i was like oh no shit we were in the same uh we were doing the same uh press same show and i was on before them uh and then so we kind of hit it off and we didn't end up hanging out in Australia. But we've been texting back and forth, bullshit, you know. And he was like, come on out.

So we went out with the buddies, with my buddies, met them in their suite, you know, and they were having like a little bit of a get together. And then we went down to see them perform. And Drew and Alex, this is the word that comes to mind with these guys, okay? Genuine. You don't meet many fucking genuine people. Dude, these guys, it was laughable how nice and accommodating they were. And also, not just to me, but to my crew, who were all guys, by the way. And they were like, yeah, come on down.

We're going to play a set for a little bit. And then you guys come up in the fucking spinny thing with the DJ in the booth. The booth spins is at this fucking place called Encore at the Wynn. And it spins because there's 6,000 people there, and there's 4,000 on one side and 2,000 on the other. And they DJ for a little bit. It's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, there's 4,000 on one side and 2,000 on the other. And they DJ for a little bit. It's like, and then it spins. And then the fucking, the tour manager, Clancy, hits everybody's arms off of the side so it can start spinning so nobody gets their arm caught.

And then it spins. It's like, and then it goes around to the rest of the 400 people. And it's like, and those people are in a pool, by the way. So it's either heaven or hell, you know? But yeah, dude, fuck it, dude. I saw Drew up on the thing, up on the spinny thing, dancing around and singing. By the way, he woke up an hour before that, which was hilarious. It was so funny.

That was the funniest part. Like we were in the suite and drew came out and he was like, fucking all like tired and shit. And then cut to an hour later. It was like doing fucking smash mouth, smash mouth covers. Um, and he was dancing on the thing and I was like,

man, I'm going to fucking get up there. I waited until it was cool because I didn't want to be like, you know, it's their show. I didn't want to fuck it up. Like if I'm a comedian, if someone came on stage, I'd be mad. But it's a different type of thing. They were like throwing a party and shit. So I went up on the thing, on the spinny thing, and I got up there, and I started dancing, dude.

And everyone was like, fuck yeah, yeah. And then, bro, I was like, oh yeah and then uh it bro i was like i'm gonna fall man i mean i i know alex is like 33 or something but drew he might be fucking 22 for all i know i think he's older than that but he uh he was like spry and in track pants just fucking running around on this thing and i was like oh man i'm 38 i'm gonna fall i'm gonna fall into some fucking drunk chick or the guy dude i took this video of a guy who had this these glasses on that was that that were lit up they would light up and read and stuff would read out in uh illuminated shit and and it's it was said send nudes he was like this he looked like this asian

banker but just was so fucking lit he was so just feeling it and he kept pointing at me and i was like does he want me to send nudes or what i don't get it but i put a bunch of it on my instagram stories and i put it a bunch of it on my instagram so if you want to go check it out look it up on instagram but shout out to the chain smokers man those guys throw a party dude they're gonna be in Vegas for another two years they signed up for I can't imagine the fucking money they're making but that shit I I love meeting nice fucking people I also like meeting nice successful people man dude they're living the life two guys who, they're living the life. Two guys who know they're living the, who are

living the life and know they're living the life and just fucking happy about it. You don't see that, man. Sometimes I get caught up in the annoyance of it all and I'm like, fuck this, fuck that, dude. It's just so fucking annoying and I, you know, I love my life, but I gotta step back and realize, in a

way, I'm a fucking chain smoker, dude. Now, I'm not out there creating the vibe they're creating. I got my whole different sort of vibe. It's the cynical but also funny and yet with a silly vibe kind of vibe. And if you're going to roll with me, you're going to be having a good time. And it's going to be lit, but also it's going to be silly, but also you're going to keep kind of the behind the face the fucking cynical vibe right but when you're a fucking chain smoker dude you're out there and you're having the good time life is good kind of vibe right and that's what i was. And we got to fucking remember that we're all in a way of fucking, you got to strive to be more of a chain smoker, man.

Because you got to be out there and you got to be living life in that, in that sort of way too. You can't just be caught up in your, and it's tough. I know it's tough. It's tough because they fucking did it. Dude. Like I said earlier on, when I told him Joe Rogan, uh, said his life is a masterpiece, bro. i'm fucking that shit stuck with me man you gotta you gotta make sure your life is a masterpiece and you gotta make sure you know your life is a masterpiece and these fucking chain smokers man they know it i should have airdropped that fucking asian banker some nudes for real but i wouldn't i didn't know what his thing was it was probably lit asian banker lit asian banker because that's what he looked like and he kept pointing at me and by the way

he was with nobody he was with nobody he was by himself changing the illuminated messages on his sunglasses via bluetooth on his phone sometimes it said send nudes and sometimes it said lit. He's a lit Asian banker. But anyway, dude, it was fun. Oh, and then they were like, come on, dude, we're done. And then they went up and they were like, let's go up to the suite and have a little bit of an after party. And we went up and it was like a tame kind of an after party, which was also my kind of vibe. But guess what they had?

Sliders and lobster quesadillas. Dude, you better believe I ate a lot of them. They were so hot and they stayed hot, dude. Are we in heaven? Lobster quesadillas and sliders. And these sliders didn't even taste like sliders. They tasted like fucking sliders should taste. When you think of, oh, shit.

Because, you know, dude, when you have a... Have you eaten sliders? They're fucking all bad. You know? If you try a slider, you're like, oh, this doesn't taste like a mini burger. This tastes like a piece of shit mini burger. But if you were to think of a slider before, sliders is one of those good ideas, but not good in actual, I don't know the word, malfunction. They're good in theory but when you make it you're like oh burgers are burgers because they're the size of burgers and they should be the size of burgers just because something smaller i don't get it that's cuda life dude

you're gonna fucking split some up make it smaller no no no no no no little mini pizza pieces fuck that give me the whole slice so you make make sliders, take a fucking hike. But these fucking sliders were how sliders should fucking taste, dude. You ever taste a slider how it should taste? No, you haven't. You haven't, dude. I'm telling you, you haven't unless you've been to a chain smokers after party. That's how it is, dude.

And they had lobster quesadillas. Oh, dude, you're not supposed to put fish with cheese. But they did it and it worked out. And you're not supposed to serve fish with cheese. But they did it and it worked out and you're not supposed to serve them with fucking mini burgers and they did it and it worked out. And that's why, dude. Sliders and lots of quesadillas. Sliders and lots of quesadillas. Sliders. And lots of quesadillas. I like sliders! And lots of quesadillas!

They said I'm going to go far! But they doing hell far! And then they're... They said I'm going to chase! I've been too long, I've been... Without a pass! I've been too long, I've been... You should get the cheese on the burgers. I never have them in lobster.

I wish the fucking lit Asian banker came up with us and just had, and on his fucking illuminated sunglasses, he just wrote lobster. He had, it said lobster quesadillas or sliders, depending on what he was eating. You know what I'm talking about? Shout out to these motherfuckers, man. We had a good time. We had a good time. Dude, and my friends all had a good time.

That's the thing. Me and my friends, we had a good time. And it was good to see those smiles on their faces. Oh, dude. Oh, it was so funny. My opener was there. Mike, so lucky. The guy's got the life. He opens for me.

Does sold out crowds. Has no business doing it. Yeah, I'm talking about. Lucky dog. You know. Anyway. Dude. This guy.

Fuck. We laughed so hard. Oh, dude. First of, fuck, we left so, oh, dude. First of all, he was so drunk, which you have to get so drunk if you're with them. If there's a night to get so drunk, you get so drunk that night. Now, he doesn't get so drunk all the time. He does not have a problem. He was just keeping it lit, my babies, okay?

So he had a good time. so he had a good time um and so first me and another buddy went up to the fucking circle spinny dj booth thing okay now then we got my brother up okay i had to get my brother up i had two other friends that were not in the dj booth one of them was my other buddy and the other one was Mike, my opener. So we're up in the Circle DJ booth. We just got up there. People didn't even know they were up there, but I get a text from Mike on the text chain and he says,

get us up there. And then the next text, please, PLZ, which is the best. Okay? Then I write, yeah, okay, gonna. The guy says if it's too heavy, it won't spin, but gonna try. Okay? Next thing I know, I look over my shoulder.

Mike is there. All right? And he's like, we got up here, bro. No thanks to you. And I was like, dude, chill. Okay? I'll fire you. I will fire you and get you kicked out of this spinny thing.

All right. Then we're up there and Mike just keeps tossing shots back because people keep tossing shots to him. And that's what happens when you're up there in the spinny booth with the chain smokers. Okay. And so he says, let us up, please. And I wrote, Oh, this is nice. I wrote, ha ha ha ha ha. What a bitch. Okay. Uh, then he writes, please again. And, uh, anyway, so, so now we're up there and, uh, we're all up there and he's getting – now, the spinny thing. Now, I look over at Mike and he is having a great time.

And then he's getting too drunk and he's being annoying. He's like, go up on stage with him, bro. Go up and starts pushing me. I'm like, bro, don't do that, man. Let's just – stop it. And he's like, get up there. I want to get a picture with you. Like he's my dad and it's my bar mitzvah.

Okay? So I'm like, no, bro, don't, don't do that, dude. That'd be so annoying. If someone was trying to push someone on stage on my stage, just chill. Then they grabbed me and they were like, come up here. And we, and they took a picture, dude. They were like, come on, take a pic. We took a pic and Mike was taking too long to take the pic. And I swear to God, Drew whispered in my ear, no wonder why every comedian hates this guy. Cause he was talking about, cause he was talking to me. Mike was talking about it beforehand and he was joking. He was giving him a fucking soft little fucking tat, tat, tat, tat. It was so funny though. I left so hard because Mike was like, yeah, comedians hate me. And cause he was saying, because he gets to do the road with me. And then Drew goes like this. No wonder why comedians hate this guy dude i laughed so hard hey who knew the chain smokers

are real party goers and they also fucking have a legit sense of humor i forgot to tell mike that So anyway, we were up there and doing the thing. And then we were up there for a while. Now, something that I pride myself on, dude, I go pee once a night. My bladder is the size of Lake Erie. Okay? I never have to piss. I'm looking. We're up there for 45 minutes.

Now, Mike, I look over. He's at, like, there's no corner because it's a circle, but he's on the railing, and he's, like, kind of hunched over. And I was like, what's up? And he's like, bro, I got to pee. And I was like, ah, well, we're up here. There's no bathroom on the fucking spinny thing. The bathroom is so far away. And he's like, I got to pee so bad. And I was like, I started laughing. Every time I look over him,

he's hunched over, not having a good time, just miserable, you know, tries to fist pump a little bit, but then I'll have hunches over again. Cause he has to pee so bad, like 20 minutes goes by. And he's like, bro. Oh God, I'm going to piss my pants. And I was like, dude, just go. He was having such a miserable. I was like, dude was like just go i'll get you back up here and he looks at me and he goes this is the funniest moment of the whole weekend he looks at me and he goes like this hunched over he says no way dude i laughed so fucking hard like he would rather be up there and be uncomfortable and not be having fun because he has to piss so bad than be relieved and down not in the place you're supposed to be. He's a chick. He's an Instagram chick.

That's what he was in that moment. Dude, it was so funny. And then I told the road manager, I was like i was like yo dude this guy's got a p he's like dude they're done in five minutes i was like my hold it for five and he held it for five and then got off afterwards they were done and then pissed like a fucking racehorse had to piss like a racehorse bringing me on worst song of all time so anyway that was our fucking weekend and guess what been sick for eight days not going away whatever dude i tried to work out like a week a week ago and

i had swollen glands and uh went through it and then fucking also went to the uh And then fucking also went to Reno and then Las Vegas. Still had swollen glands. It's all good. Not really sick, but it's all good. Yeah, it's all good. Took a flight out to Phoenix. And so we fucking, we were in las vegas still not better but it's all good dude i guess it's hard to get better when you're fucking out keeping it lit keeping those happy

vibes you know i was keeping it lit dude i was trying to get better but you know what more importantly than that i was trying to keep it lit dude i was trying to keep it I was trying to keep it lit In there I was trying to keep it lit in there By the way shout out to you babies So many of you guys are making such funny videos On Instagram and shit like that And I repost some of them And have a good time

But yeah. Dude, I was up on stage with them, by the way. It's funny. When I was up on stage with them and they put their arms around me and they were like, fuck yeah. It felt fucking awesome because like there were 6 000 people out there and i was like bro how does anybody in this position like if they were like you know afterwards we fuck you i would have been like yeah no i get it fair and i probably would have fucked them I would have fucked the chain smokers, dude.

Fuck it. Lobster quesadilla? I'll turn around. Sliders that are actually good? Let's have our nose. Our nose is facing the same way. Ah. Ah.

I mean, for real dude that's why you see that rock star vibe and it's like i'm a comedian and i you know it's like you know i i get that like i guess some comedians have groupies and shit but when you're a rock star when you're a fucking rock star, or even better, you do EDM music. Dude, I mean, fucking dude. You know? I get it if you're a bad-smelling motherfucker that's like Portly, but dude, these guys are fit, they're in shape, they smell good. Come on, man. So funny, dude.

I know they listen to the podcast. I hope they listen to this episode. But anyway, dude, what a good time. That's the thing. You know what I realized is that that's how you have sex with a chick. I don't ever really think about how to do it. I just kind of either do it or don't do it. But like I don't think about how like get getting them feeling comfortable and shit. That's how you do it. I was feeling comfortable than a motherfucker, dude. You know, and you know what the most comfortable thing is cuddling. See, that's what and that leads to sexy. That's the thing.

When you're that comfortable, the next step is cuddling my babies. See, that's the thing. When you're that comfortable, the next step is cuddling, my babies. You get somebody, liquor, good music, hanging out, laughing, good times, smiles, lobster quesadillas and sliders. Next. Next, stop cuddling. All aboard the train to Cuddlestown. Stay on the train after Cuddlestown if you're headed to Combsville. Head into blasting zone.

We about to blast up in this bitch. Uh-oh. Merp. Headed to fucking Berber Town. Merp. We're here. All up. Everyone off the plane.

It's the last stop. You step off the plane. You just go. Dude, they played a cover song. Fucking somebody once told me the world's about that fucking smash mouth dude have you ever seen the smash mouth video 90s dude dude first of all couldn't be more 90s okay goatee check sunglasses that are more square than they are round check big ass fucking whatever jinko fucking pants check uh fucking uh spiked tips check

walking on the sidewalk next to people playing on the lawn? Check. Dude, nothing more 90s than a guy walking down a sidewalk. I mean, he's got Arnett sunglasses, dude. Does he have the fucking, what do you call it? What do you call that, piercing in the lip? Yep, check. Oh my God, a jacket on when it's way too hot is so 90s. Walking across a lawn on a sidewalk. The funniest fucking, one of the funniest videos on the internet though,

is when he jumps on the car and they do the, and you don't stop coming, and you don't stop coming, and you don't stop coming, and you don't stop coming. Have you ever seen that video? You saw it, right? I sent it to you. Dude, it's so funny the guy from smash out jumps some asshole put it on he made the whole song say i'm gonna actually just play it here uh oh it's so fucking funny dude do what all stars but they don't stop coming pitch corrected, you know?

Hey, get a better... But you don't... I mean, get a better title. It's like a fucking Japanese guy did this. Okay, definitely. Okay, All Star, but they don't stop coming pitch corrected this is the most fucking this is the most japanese thing to call it but dude it's so funny too because this is one of the funniest fucking things without it making any sense Okay. So, the song starts. Vans on, of course. Baggy pants.

Jacket on. Arnett sunglasses, or maybe. This made me laugh so hard, and it just keeps getting funnier and funnier. Dude, like some guy made this. It's all pitch corrected, corrected obviously because it says in the title and then this part and he keeps jumping

on the fucking thing and then my favorite fucking because he keeps jumping he's jumping on the car with his squat position and he keeps jumping on the car with his squat position. And he keeps jumping on the car in his squat position. And they fucking say, my favorite comment on it is, damn, this guy has strong thighs. YouTube comments. How about that?

Legend has it they still haven't stopped coming. Somebody writes, it's also a great exercise. This guy has strong thighs. Thighs are the best part, yum. Thighs are the best part, yum. So, but dude, somebody made that. How funny is it that it has 64,000 thumbs up and 626 thumbs down? Like, who even bothers?

My favorite shit is when somebody puts a video like this up and it goes viral and you don't think it's going to go viral. And then it does. Then the guy will put a comment under it and it's like, yo, check out my hair products. I didn't expect this to go viral, but here's mycloud you know i don't give a fuck i forget you know so i'll fuck your bitch you fat motherfucker yeah dude is that a good impression i ain't got no motherfuckers. Well, fuck your bitch, you fat motherfucker. I ain't got no motherfuckers.

So I fucked your bitch. What did you say? Suckhead? I ain't got no motherfuckers. Suck ass. Suck ass. Um, suck ass. All right, look, you've heard me talk about me on these a million times, but why am I

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Don't stop coming and you don't stop coming and you don't stop coming and you don't stop coming. Don't stop coming and you don't stop coming. Anyway, dude. Checking my email while I'm doing this. Being disrespectful. I'm disrespectful. Checking my email even though I'm getting paid to talk to you. Being disrespectful is the most respectful you can be because you're being yourself.

Unless you're a psychopath. And what you want to do is kill people. Break a brown. Or shit in the subway. Don't do it. Brown. One time, we, you know that song, White Lines? It's about cocaine.

And we wanted to put it in high school. We wanted to play it at the fucking pep rally. And they wouldn't let us except for at the end of the song it goes, don't do it. So technically it was a song against cocaine. So they let us do it. And guess what? Said us. Said we.

Didn't have anything to do with it. Just knew it happened while I was in high school. Had nothing to do with it. Fucking lied to you guys. That's how disrespectful I am. I don't give a fuck. I keep it truthful with you babies though. I do. If I do a fucking silly little lie, I tell you afterwards. Maybe that's how disrespectful i am i don't give a fuck i keep it truthful with your babies though i do if i do a fucking silly little lie i tell you afterwards

maybe that's the catholic boy in me uh right i uh hey dude you know what's not funny anymore. Africa, Toto. I'm done with all those memes done with everyone thinking how it's funny to about Africa and Toto, the Toto song from Africa or Africa from Toto or whatever the fuck. I don't know what the group is and what the name is of the song. Um, that's the new pineapple on pizza or fucking that's the new bullshit. It's just stop with it. Instantly stop. Hey, how about instantly stop? It's going to be, it's Burning Man. I think now I was in Reno, dude, this guy came up to me and he was like, dude, Chris Lee, I'm a huge fan. What are you doing here? You're going to Burning Man. And I said,

no, I said, Hey, if you're a huge fan, you'd know, you'd know the answer to that question. Now, gentle slam, gentle slam, nice waiter coming out, just giving you the grand slam not even expecting a big tip just letting you know hey your food's ready right that's what i was letting him do as a matter of fact i should have said well if you're a big friend i if he said hey chris lee you're here reno what are you doing you're going to burning man i should have said i should have said what i should have said is if you're a big fan you would know the answer to that question now your food's ready that's what i should have said now shout out to fucking the new merch on the store popping off the grand slam t-shirt check out the fucking shirt gonna be gone you know why

you know how fast you know what's gonna sell Hotcakes. How ironic is that? Because hotcakes are an all-American slam. Wear the shirt and give people, whether you want to do some com grand slams, whether you want to fire them out and do some real grand slams because you have an enemy, or if you just want to tell them quietly that the food's ready. But these motherfuckers need to know, you can friendly slam people i friendly slam people all day long a lot of times when i do it on twitter it's a friendly slam a lot of time when i do it i bring the heat a lot of time when i do it they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming don't

stop coming and they don't stop coming a lot of time i'm wearing jinks hopping up on the hood of a car, but a lot of time I'm just quietly saying, hey, buddy, just so you know, your food's ready. I'm not even trying to align our noses in the same direction. It's a free conch. Eat it when you want. I'm not even telling you to turn around. Face me.

Your food's ready. Let me just put it down. Here's your All-American Slam. You owe me $9.97 or $9.67, however much it is. You don't even have to tip me. But if you're a big fan, you know the question, the answer to the question on whether or not I'd be going to Burning Man. Do you know why I'm not going to Burning Man? Because I like all the outfits that I have. I don't need to make an outfit.

I don't want to make an outfit. Do you know why? I'm not a seamstress. Hey don't need to make an outfit. I don't want to make an outfit. Do you know why? I'm not a seamstress. Hey, I'm going to Burning Man. You seamstress? Hey, I'm going to Burning Man. You fucking... You work for Polo Ralph Lauren? No.

One time I was watching howie mandel um doing stand-up like in the 90s or 80s i was young as fuck and he asked somebody what they did in the audience as you on tv he's like well what do you do and he said i'm a purchaser and in my head i thought some people will call that shopping. And he said, then Harry Mandel said, some people will call that shopping. And I was like, I'm a comedian. He did that. I could do it. And now I'm a fucking comedian.

So all I'm saying sometimes, the thoughts you have when you're nine, sitting in your fucking guest bedroom for your parents' house, are real, real fucking thoughts. Now, have I been working on a post-nasal drip the whole time I've been talking? Yeah. Do I have to hawk a loogie? Yeah. Am I doing it? No. Am I gonna? No. Even if one fire hands me a napkin, I won't do it because I saw him looking around, but I'm not going to do it because it's gross and I don't need that on video for the rest of my fucking life. A little drip down, baby. Anyway, I'm having a good time, dude, right now with you

guys just chilling. You guys are on the phone with me. I know I always say this. Well, I don't always say it, but I say it every now and then you're on the phone with me and we're just talking in your cubicle yet home, ignoring your wife. You're ignoring your husband. You're doing whatever you're doing. But I'm a fucking telling you right now. I'm here. I'm a Vegas daddy and I'm back. Blocked some people on Instagram and Twitter today.

I say, hey, podcast is coming out Wednesday. Somebody tweeted me. Where the fuck is the podcast? And I check if it's attached to that tweet. Because if it's attached to that tweet, I know it's a joke. If it's not, I know it's not a joke. Blocked. Trigger finger, block finger.

These people don't get it. So, anyway. get it um so anyway did you see Trump put up the fucking thing on Instagram where he was like John McCain is a great man whatever and he died and rest in peace or whatever he said and fucking it was a picture of Trump eh

sigatistical eh of trump sigatistical siga sigatistical my deepest sympathies and respect go out to the family of senator john mccain our hearts and prayers are with you and donald trump is on the picture siga testicle you know what the fucking thing is too he didn't put mccain on there because he knows everybody fucking knows that he talked so much shit um about mccain he kind of can't put a picture of mccain up there he's like well everyone I hit him. I'll just put a picture of myself up there. You know? Oh, man. What did he say? My heroes don't get captured or something? I like

heroes who don't get captured. Imagine if he didn't imagine if imagine Trump in war with a helmet on and shit. He gets shot. Wrong. Wrong.

They're like, oh, you're going to die. Wrong. Fake news. Trump, you got hit. You're going to die. Fake news. My heroes don't get captured. Anyway. my heroes don't get captured um anyway dude i went six days without working out which is unlike me dude what the fuck what the fuck dude how do i go six days without working how do i

go six days without working out when i'm this beat out out, when I'm this topsy-turvy, when I'm basically an upside-down raindrop, dude? How the fuck did I go six days and still keep my sinewy Tarzan on vacation figure? How'd he do it, folks? Genetics and the mindset. Dude, he's David Goggins or whoever the fuck that guy is that talks about never stopping dude that guy is that guy is that that guy's like is that his name david goggins dude david goggins the fucking bald dude that is just jack city jack city jack city and he fucking

was like 440 pounds and then i think rogan interviewed him once or twice but that guy's so jacked and he used to be fat as shit and he was just like not gonna be fat anymore and just never stopped running like he was far as gump and i followed him on instagram because he did the silliest dude his workouts are like pushing a tire for a mile a day he'll just keep flipping a tire over and over again who came up with that tire fucking workout by the way some who did that some fat like farmer that was just like had to do it once and he was like that's a good workout and just did it another day and he was like i bet if i keep doing this i lose weight and now he's just the marlboro man dude he never he like he never stops he's always doing push-ups at like the airport and shit and one time the one time that really made me laugh was he was like sometimes

you just got to face your fears and he tied his hands behind his back and jumped into a leg gonna drown so don't promote that. Sun's safe. But he's still alive because he's David Goggins. If my mom did it, she'd die. The guy, if you are tired of your normal push-up routine, incorporate some of these varieties to break up the mandatory. Don't try these push-ups

if you don't already have a strong base doing the standard push-ups with your hands on the ground. This guy is fucking taking 10 pound weights, balancing on them and doing push-ups. That's very hard because you can break your fucking wrists doing it. He's got five pound weights doing it. Dude, that's so hard. I've tried that before. And, oh no, don't even tell me he's going to do. Oh, come on, dude. He's using those clips to clip the...

What do you call those? Carabier? Carabiner? Carabiner carabiner it's racist wow that's crazy god he's a strong fella huh that's cool i fucking uh i like that shit as much as i can't stand the see this is the thing if your job is to inspire people which this guy's job is to inspire people cool but i always talk about like those people who just go to the gym the whole time and then they're like trying to inspire like dude get out of here just work out bro but this dude i mean this guy's like, he was a Navy SEAL. Beyond motivated is his hashtag. It's hilarious.

Y'all thought you were motivated? I'm beyond motivated. Navy SEAL, endurance athlete, inspiration. Just straight up at the end. Just, you need some inspiration? Come to me. I like people who try to sell inspiration like it's fruit. You need some, like they're on the side of the freeway does anybody need some inspiration here you go here's a picture with

an eagle on it that'll be 450 ah thank you that's fucking weird industry huh it's a weird industry i gotta get shredded though i gotta get shredded i to get shredded. I got to get so shredded. I'm going to get so shredded that people are going to be like, look at me in fucking four months and be like, what the fuck happened? You know what I'm talking about? And I'm like, hey, man, just trying to fucking just trying to be fucking super fit. Just want to jump far. Just want to do a fucking muscle up. You ever try a muscle up where you do the chin up and then pull your whole body up?

You ever try to do that? Try to do that once at the gym. First of all, what you don't realize is you're scarily high up. You're so high up. If you fall, you'd hurt yourself. I think I was able to do almost one, but it's like, you look like if you're doing it at the gym, you look like a fucking asshole because you're so high up. I had, there's a guy who works at my gym and he brings on those fucking

feet things that he hooks onto the bars and puts his feet in it and does upside down sit-ups, do regular sit-ups or just do a, do a decline sit-up the guy, like what part of your abs are you working so great, so much better that you got to go upside down. Like you're fucking like you're a bat. And this guy has a kind of good body. Ah, get the fat off first. If you want your fucking lower abs to pop, get the fat off first. Dude, I need to be an inspirational guy. And that's how my shit is. Hey, get your fucking fat off, you idiots.

That's me. Not the whole guy that's like, you know, some days you wake up, you don't want to do it, but just make your legs move in the direction of the gym anyway. You know? You just got to get there. And then you got to keep telling your body, make your brain tell your body to keep doing another one. Just keep doing another one. When you think you're spent a hundred percent, you aren't. You're 75%. You got 25% left to go, dude. Fuck that. I'm not being that kind of an inspirational guy. I'm being the guy that goes

like this. Do another one fat. So come on, you fat fuck. When's the last time you ate pizza? Come on, you fat fuck. When's the last time you ate pizza? Hey, hey, hey. The fucking band Pieces of Shit is calling. They need another member. Do another sit-up, you fat donut-bellied fuck. That's my shit, bro.

That's the inspiration I need. When I work out with my Irish buddy, Mark, I go like this. I say, come on, man. He goes, oh, I'm so tired. I say, well, guess what? You ain't shit. Your mom ain ain't shit everybody you know ain't shit except me because i'm doing it and he goes like this oh and then he does it and then he does it i go your mom ain't shit dude that's the kind of inspiration that we fucking do here at my shit at the congratulations cabin in my cult that's the inspiration we do we do medium grand slams like that medium grand slams and we say you know what do you want to

fucking turn around you want a donut belly dude get another sit up going you fucking lazy fuck that's how we do it and we videotape it and we put it on instagram videotape it sold remember those big ass video cameras that dads used to have in 1984 that were just like this like they were like they like they work for fucking cbs news and they just want to film you and your brother in your underwear making the same poses not realizing reading a dinosaur book yep one time one time that happened one time i was reading a dinosaur book. Yep. One time, one time that happened.

One time I was reading a dinosaur book with my brother and we both had our legs in the same position and we both had our underwear on and my dad was behind us trying to take a picture and I knew he was, and I knew it was. So I kept my fucking legs like that and I knew he was doing it. My brother didn't know he was doing it. And my brother moved his legs and he said, wait, Matt,

he didn't even know it was back there. He said, Matt, put your legs back the other way. So now it's a false picture. And I knew that. And my brother should have known and he said wait matt he didn't even know he's back there's a matt put your legs back the other way so now it's a false picture and i knew that and my brother should have known it too now granted it's a little bit of a false picture if i'm keeping my legs like that knowing that he's back there but still that's how i was so i'm just keeping it like that but my brother fucking changed his legs and made his legs go back after my dad asked it's a false picture

i'm not about that false picture it might look cool but the fucking the heart of it wasn't in there and that's the difference between me and my brother. I'm more observant. I'm more observant, dude, when we're reading dinosaur books. Dude, when Mike had to pee at the chain smokers thing, and then I said, dude, just go pee. I'll get you back. And he looked at me and said, no way. That was the funniest thing that happened in 2018. For someone to want to be uncomfortable uncomfortable but be in the area they're supposed to be then to have to then to be way more comfortable and relieved than in the area that isn't the necessary the area that they're supposed to be which still by the way is a good area is is

so fucking funny that's so american that's so what this world is nowadays i don't care i'm in pain but i'm in the place I'm supposed to be. Dude. Wow. Well. I guess that's about it. I don't know. Let's look at some... Oh, you know what? We got an elder.

We have an elder. We have an elder. We hadn't had an elder for a while. And we're back in the elder game here because we need to grow this cult. And we also need to have elders. When we get our log cabin, when we get our log cabin, we need to... We need to delegate jobs and stuff like massaging and,

um, breaking, uh, guitars and burning guitar wood. Um, and keeping the grass at a fucking nice length and, you know, mowing,

whatever the fuck, I don't know. And then the cleaning, cleaning the cabin, uh, and massaging um here's the guy's name mitchell proust is the new elder not sure his twitter or instagram he actually uh he made the original cuda quiz app and one fire has alerted me that we did not give him an elder uh yet, which I thought we did. But Mitchell, if you're listening or if somebody knows his handle, can you tweet him and tell him or reach out if you're listening because we need to get you that elder pin, man. You made that great game to let us know.

It's probably on my Instagram somewhere. No? He looked. He looked. He didn't find it. One fire. I bet I'll find it later. Do we have uh uh uh questions my uh tour is coming and uh you should come ottawa ontario london ontario

buffalo burlington vermont a bunch of different fucking places uh that's funny dude rakella a at rakella 11 speaking of scary stuff when we were kids is it just me or was the 60 minutes that's funny, dude. Raquel A at Raquel 11. Speaking of scary stuff when we were kids, is it just me or was the 60 minutes clock scary as shit? I'll go on a fucking out on a limb here and say, you got issues. You probably have deeper issues because that's not scary. Maybe you were worried that you were doing something wrong

now look i'm not gonna i'm a i'm a therapist right here but maybe you were doing something wrong and you knew time was about to be up but yeah it was kind of loud and it was close too right i'd venture to say it wasn't not it was scary, but it wasn't not scary. Do you know what I mean? For a kid? Also, when we were kids, she said, but it depends on what you mean, 4 or 16. But yeah, that's funny. If you could be cast in one sitcom, past or present, which one would you choose?

Well, see, that's an interesting question sconzi cider uh change it oh and your handle is at smooth criminal change it change it um what were you hiding from the law dude uh that's an interesting question because every sitcom i would want to be in was probably a good sitcom and i wouldn't want to change it and fuck it up because i like it so why change why why fix something that's fucking broke you know why fix if it ain't broke don't fix it i mean i think that's a saying not why fix something that's broke because that makes no sense and that's what i said at first um okay now here's a good one camden boardman now change it that's your name even change. Camden Boardman. Now, change it. That's your name even?

Change it. Camden Boardman. Whoever your parents are shouldn't have named you Camden if your last name was Boardman because that's weird. Your name should be Saboring Saboring. So, do you... Oh, first of all, Safaran, this question. Do you pistachio... Do you pistachios...

This is a Russian spy. With or without the shell? Do you pistachios, this is a Russian spy, with or without the shell? Do you pistachios with or without the shell? I'm sure you left out the word eat, which is weird. Do you eat pistachios with or without the shell? Hey, man, what do you mean, first of all? If you eat the shell, you're going to bloody up your anus. One time I ate sunflower seeds.

I kept eating all of them with the fucking shell. I wouldn't eat just the seeds. And when I was a kid and when I went to the bathroom, it felt like someone was putting a porcupine in my butthole. So that's all good. Um, but if you eat the shell, which I don't think you're talking about eating the shell, I think you mean, do I purchase them with or without the, I don't know, because he didn't put enough words in the goddamn tweet. That's why. Cause you're Russian spy. so camden boardman obviously you're russian spy because that was the name you picked camden boardman that's like one of those fucking you remember the japanese video games that used to like generate the uh american names and it would

be like flips paleman would be a name and they'd be like jim d foder jim d foder and flips paleman uh and you're like, just look up American names. So, yeah, I don't know. I always want to get the things without the shell. My whole thing is when you're eating the food, I want everyone else to do the work for you. Just give me the stuff I put in my mouth. That's why when you go to like Benihana or like some of those fucking people that, where they cook in front of you or you get to fry the meat, go fuck yourself. Bring it out when it's ready.

I'll consume it. You know? I'm not threading the pants together and then putting them on. I'm just buying the pants and putting them on. Will the lost episode of the podcast ever be released to us babies? Jeff Ackles. You're talking about the first one ever? I doubt it.

It wasn't good. I don't even like the first few episodes as it is. I might take him down just because he asked that fucking question. How about that, dude? I get ruthless on you. Daddy gets ruthless. He's got to get ruthless sometimes. Otherwise, he's just

like the fun guy. Can't be the fun guy all the time. Thoughts on karaoke? Nathan Vandervoort. Thoughts on karaoke? I mean,ervoort um thoughts on karaoke i mean i don't know dude if you're bad at you know what my thoughts on are on karaoke are never pick a rap song you think you're the funny guy because you're gonna sing get jiggy with it but you're not rapping a good rap song singing horribly is funny rapping horribly is the most annoying thing in the fucking world you're not funny because you picked getting jiggy with it and you and it's just so you ever they get to the middle of the first verse and they're just like so tired and out of breath

and they're just like you want a ball with the best? Who's the best? Who's the best? Who's the best? Ha ha. Getting jiggy with it. All in. Ha ha.

And they're just so tired with a blue button down and fucking, you know, khaki pants. And you're like, oh, this is horrible, dude. Anyway, that's about it or what? Okay, cool. We're going to wrap this the fuck up, dude. Download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Enter rewards code congrats, get $5, and give $5 to Time's Up. We love you guys.

Thanks. Merch available. We got that Grand that grand slam tea and you can support the podcast by getting all the other teas uh follow the leader tour on sale now at crystalia.com youtube uh videos usually come out a day or two later uh and um uh that's it rate and review the show, it really helps, video episodes, a day later I already said that, my new special on Netflix will be coming out, I think, in January, not sure yet, but you guys rock, and thank you very much,

you know what, remember, I think we're going to call this episode Lit Asian Businessman or whatever the fuck it was keep it real my baby I'm a motherfucking five-year-old. I'm a motherfucking five-year-old. I'm a motherfucking five-year-old. I'm a motherfucking five-year-old. I'm a motherfucking five-year-old.