Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 84. Little Church

Episode Date: September 3, 2018

It's the 84th episode! It's Labor Day. On today's show, Chris talks about ASMR. Also discussed: diss tracks, Mark Wahlberg and how he wakes up too early, the dystopian future, speedos, going into the ocean past your knees, Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong, Italians taking off the month of August (Ferragosto), & siestas. We name a new Elder and answer a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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the cash app for free on the app store or google play market now crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy what's up my babies it It's fucking Labor Day. It is Labor Day and it is episode 84. It is Labor Day and it is episode 84. And is it episode 84 or episode 84? Because I started saying episode 84, but it's episode 84. Because episode is not a word. But it is Labor Day and a lot of people take that, but it is Labor Day,

and a lot of people take that off because it's Labor Day, but labor means work, so I'm working. I'm working on Labor Day, and I'm bringing this hot podcast to you babies. And, you know, if you've been listening from the beginning, you're only a little bit over one years old. You're a baby that's over one years old and one year old. I should say one year old, not one years old, because that's one year old, not one, because it's not plural. But you know what? We're starting off this episode by saying lots of wrong things

and lots of wrong words. And it's because I almost said words, but it's because my mind is going faster than my mouth, which is how everybody should be. Because if your mouth is going quicker than your mind then you're an ignoramus uh and i want you to know that uh and so anyway fuck yeah dude it's it it i would say pretty much now i don't i don't use this term a lot but i would say pretty much it's it's fucking it's lit dude it's pretty lit man this week is it's pretty lit man um and that's all I gotta say dude it's pretty lit because first of all um I had a good time this past weekend at the comedy store um and I did a show with the laugh factory too dang it a dang it a you know I did a show with the laugh factory too dang it a dang it you know i did a show with the laugh factory dang it a dang it did it a show at the fucking comedy store dang it a dang it did

another show at the comedy store dang it a dang it uh oh and i did another show at the comedy store dang it a dang it and then i went to the fucking original room and did a show there dang Did lots of shows this weekend. And so that's it. I put a clip out of me rapping like Eminem and it went viral. And I'll tell you what, it's very weird. Lots of people are like, oh, finally, Chris D'Elia is getting the recognition he deserves. Like, that is the fucking thing. Like, dude, I got fucking shit. I was on, you know, I do tv shows and i got netflix stuff

but people are like finally chris puts a video out and finally dude he's getting the recognition he deserves um if that's the recognition i deserve gonna jump out a plane without parachute but no that's cool i'm glad people are liking it liking it liking it i'm glad people are liking it um because uh you know he came out with a pretty hot album um and it's very annoying people are like he's back like you know you don't know you don't know shit and then also people and then did you hear the mgk diss that he made too? He's a tall drink of water, huh? You know, about these diss tracks that rappers make and shit, that these rappers make and shit,

it just feels like the older you get, and I mean even older than like fucking 20, older you get and i mean even older than like fucking 20 it just seems like uh um uh what's the word um uh it seems like it's like you're you're hurt you know what i'm talking about it seems like if you make a diss track like you're you're hurt like you're upset and you're whining to the older i get you know um but i don't know i mean i guess they're having because that's the thing like the the thing about diss tracks is if they're funny then that's cool but if they're like yo i'm harder than you and you suck like that then it's like what like it's so it's almost like it's like

you're an adult though you know you're rhyming hey man you're rhyming are you a leprechaun hey dude are you a troll under a bridge are you standing on wet asphalt in the morning? No. You're just a fucking grown man with a job and you're like, and you're basically like, cars, bars. You know what I mean? You're basically like fucking a hotel motel. That's basically what you're doing. You're a grown man and you're like, that guy fucking pissed me the fuck off. You know what?

Record this. Shoes blues. Like, that's like, oh, okay. Oh, all right. Gotcha, bro. Hey, dude. Oh, fuck, that guy made me so mad what he said about me check this out hit record thumbs bums

like huh you're 30 ah dirty 30 you're like a fucking frat guy i don't know man it's just hilarious to me Dirty 30. You're like a fucking frat guy. I don't know, man. It's just hilarious to me. But, you know, hey, dude, whatever. It works. People eat that shit up. They eat that shit up for breath.

It's fucking. I mean, dude, how about this? I mean, dude, hit him up that was it there's a few fucking quote-unquote diss tracks whenever a white guy says this it seems so white and if a black guy says it it's not um but but uh uh the the two the one is the tupac one obviously hit him up greatest of all time and then people like the fucking the jay-z one uh and the naz one that they were going with each other and then i guess people like the drake one which i liked the back to back back to back back to back um those were good you know um that's how much we haven't come in that's how much we haven't come in up on this mic when you're on it that's how much we haven't come in um so uh anyway whatever Um, so, uh, anyway, whatever. Oops. Drop the app.

All good. Um, so anyway, that, but that's what's up. But so that's what happened in hip hop this week. Like I should fucking talk about that, but that's what happened in hip hop week. That's where you come to me for all your hip hop news babies. Um, anyway, somebody put it under the M and M thing that I did on online. Somebody was cause somebody tweeted it and they didn't tag me, which is fine. I don't give a fuck about that. but somebody wrote at first I thought it was Chris

D'Elia and then I and then I wrote I wonder why you thought that and then and then the person wrote are you actually trying to insinuate that this is you and I wrote wait what like huh yeah somebody wrote dude it's weird how many people say that I look like Andrew Lincoln and I don't look like Andrew Lincoln. I don't like when all it takes for somebody to have a beard and long hair and somebody will say that they look like another guy with a beard and long hair. That's so annoying to me. People, my least favorite tags are, hey, look, Chris, found you working at Target and it's

just some fucking schlub with some long hair and beard they don't look like fucking me i don't look like them uh wait i gotta go out of this um so yeah anyway i did my fucking live shit on my app if you want to catch that you can fucking go on on that um and do all that dude have you guys heard about this fucking uh uh i mean here's the here's how i know i'm an old guy i i i don't know about this uh i didn't know about asmr until recently now a lot of you guys who listen to my podcast are not going to know what ASMR is. I know because a lot of you guys are adults. And a lot of you guys are younger and do know what ASMR is, okay?

I didn't know what it was, but it's this fucking thing where they YouTube these people. YouTube is usually like young girls that do it which it's which definitely it's deaf well let me say this first okay asmr is like uh well okay here's the definition autonomous sensory meridian response is an experience characterized by a static like or tingling sensation on the skin that typically begins on the scalp and moves down the back the neck and the upper spine i mean fucking who wrote this trina it has been compared with auditory tactical sin yeah i mean synesthesia yeah fuck this shit fuck these words um anyway low-grade euphoria a combination of positive positive feelings and a distinct static like

tingling sensation on the skin all right look so people will make these video you these youtubes and they'll just like be like they just whisper and it'll be like a fucking 12 year old and they'll be like hi guys there's like this redhead that's getting memed all this is like fucking nine years old and she's like And they'll be like, hi, guys. There's like this redhead that's getting memed all the time. She's like fucking nine years old. And she's like, hey, guys. So.

Just. Okay. So. And then a car will drive by in the background. And she'll be like. I have stuff that I do that I'm going to eat. I'm going to eat. And she tries to make her lips like, it's gross as fuck, to be honest. Like, I don't want to hear all the spit in your mouth.

They're just like, I've got gummies. I'm going to eat gummies. I've got a bunch of gummies. I've got gummies. And then they'll eat the gummies and just go like, ow. And people like jizz to it or something. But they'll be like, one of the favorite, one of the best, one of the most popular triggers. They call them triggers.

By the way, who wants their scalp to tingle? They'll be like, tapping, tapping is the number one trigger for ASMR. And then they'll be like this. Another popular ASMR trigger is scratching. And then they'll just scratch. They'll be like this. And then a car will drive by scratch they'll be like this and then a car will drive by and she'll be like and then they'll be like another popular asmr trigger is

like they'll like what what are the popular asmr triggers though one of them is like fucking now there was i was watching a video of it the other day and it was like but like it's here's the thing it's fucking definitely there's the top 10 triggers for asmr that's the one i was looking at no the the fourth one like the fifth one or whatever and it's like the tapping listen to this shit i gotta i gotta fucking play some of this actually on this um youtube it's weird and here's the thing too this is the thing that i want i wanted to bring it up uh this is the thing i wanted to bring up by the way is that if you're listening to this and you're fucking you're a guy it's you can't fool us that it's not sexual

you perv okay don't watch these fucking look at this shit what they they say. Here we go. Here. I just don't. Maybe I'm an old guy. But these. ASMR close up ear to ear positive affirmations for anxiety and sleep. Look at this.

She's fluttering her hands. Hello, everybody. Ew. My name is GB. Welcome back. Ew. Welcome to my channel. You hear all the spit in her mouth. I am very excited. No, you're not. You're whispering. Ew. Ew. You hear all the spit in her mouth.

No, you're not. You're whispering. She's like, I'm very excited about the video. This is a color. Look at. Dude. Oh my God. She's talking about. what you need there. So, I really just want everyone to be able to take care of themselves. Oh my god, she's talking about... This can help at least

a few of you. Dude, she's talking about helping people and making sure that they're in good ... I guess not depressed or some shit, and take care of yourself and your well-being. And she's doing the whisper thing the whole time. She's like, I know know if this even helps one person then i've done

my job because you really should be taking care of yourself hey say it louder hey is it important say it louder look at how how many views i mean i'm the fucking wrong one here too like 577 000 views oh how many of those are old dudes getting fucking boners for real straight up you're getting boners bro you can't fool me that it's about making the top of your scalp tingle it's about making your boner go up ew it's it's fucking weird to me i get uncomfortable when i watch asmr shit man makes me uncomf makes me uncomfy dude there is here's the thing too there is a fucking um look you like what you like i don't give a fuck obviously but there is a fucking fan base for everything like the internet like take

take the m&m and mgk disc now there's way too many people being like m&m is the best don't fuck with them and then there's way too many people be like mgk came as fucking fire though and then after and then a bunch of people be like mgk oh that was ridiculous that was horrible and then remember when like things used to be like unanimously good remember like in like the 90s u2 was just amazing you know and now people are like the internet brought the haters out, dude. It's amazing, dude. It's really amazing because, like, here's the thing, too. When we're talking about, like, everyone complaining and fucking about everything, most people aren't happy with what they have. That's just how it is.

Okay? So, therefore, most of those people, not everyone, but most of those people are going to complain. Okay? So that's a lot of people who are just complaining now. The internet is now very big. Everyone has it. So most of what you're going to hear is complaining. Therefore, we have no choice but to become a world full of hating pussies that's what's up now i'm joking about this asmr shit like if you like it you like it fine but like

and i'm turned into this this is turned into a different point and it is kind of devolved as this podcast usually does just devolve into fucking nothing but um yeah it just that's that's that's that's what is fucked up about this world and the internet and we're all going to become a bunch of huge pussies and we haven't even seen the beginning of it yet uh we are going to become huge pussies and then something else has to happen. And I don't know what it is yet. I don't know what it is yet. Maybe we're going to be, what do you call it?

A bunch of, we're going to be a bunch of, what do you call it? It's going to be a pulse of, we're going to explode. The world's going to fucking kill it. We're all going to kill itself. There's going to be fucking a third of the population left.

It's going to be like one of those fucking Netflix movies. That extinction movie we're all gonna fucking die and there's only gonna be a few left and it's all gonna be because of fucking mgk m&m and asmr and shit like that and people hating on the internet i don't know that barely makes any sense but this is what you get you know um let's talk about why the fuck every time every time i see fucking i follow mark walberg on instagram every time i see mark walberg on instagram it's a fucking new video about how we woke up earlier every single time i fucking it started out out like, you know, you don't want to burn daylight, right?

You can't burn daylight, right? You got to wake up. I wake up at 7 a.m. and I get working out. I wake up at 7 a.m. and I carry kettlebells. I carry kettlebells from one end to the other of my gym. And I got a fucking workout body and he makes me carry my kettlebells from one end to the other

And then fucking the next Like three days later he's like Gotta wake up at 6am Gotta wake up at 6am And you gotta push this fucking thing That football guys push And you gotta put the weights on it And I gotta push it from one end to the other

That's what I gotta do And I gotta get my trainer to sit on it too And he's taking the video It's probably to be better Get up at 7amam. And then four days later, got to wake up at 6am. What I got to do is I got to curl. I got to curl these things. I got to curl these dumbbells. And I got to fucking, and I got to do a bunch of chin-ups. I got to do it at 6am because people are waking up at 7am because I was waking up at 7am. And then people started to copy me. Wake up at 7am. And now I got to do a bunch of chin-ups. I got to do it at 6 a.m. because people are waking up at 7 a.m. because I was waking up at 7 a.m. And then people started to copy me.

Wake up at 7 a.m. And now I got to wake up at 6 a.m. because I got to wake up earlier than them because I got to get successful. I got to get more successful than they do. And then five days later, guys, I woke up at 5 a.m. I woke up at 5 a.m.

and I'm basically building sandcastles. I got a bunch of dumbbells, but I put them to the side. I have my trainer bring a bunch of sand in here. It's really good for my small muscles inside my big muscles. And it's really good for my striations. And I'm building sandcastles. People are waking up at 7 a.m. because they copy me.

Well, I'm waking up at 6 a.m. and 5 a.m. now. And then he started this thing a week later. I got a 4 a.m. club. I woke up at 6 a.m. and 5 a.m. now. And then he started this thing a week later. I got a 4 a.m. club. I woke up at 4 a.m. Woke up at 4 a.m. and not only do we build in sandcastles, but what we're also doing is we're making them water. We're putting water in the sandcastles and now we're building even bigger sandcastles.

We're going to make sure they... We're going to get some papier-mâché tomorrow waking up at 3 a.m. My question for Mark Wahlberg is when do you go to bed i mean are you like are you like the rest of us and do you go to bed at 11 30 p.m and do you get 30 minutes of sleep or do you go to bed at 7 p.m.? I swear to God, in one of his Instagram videos, he was like, went to bed at 8 o'clock last night.

Hey, dude, what are you doing? You're going to bed earlier than the news. You don't even know what happened in the daytime. I'm missing everything, but at least I'm moving. At least I'm creating sandcastles. I didn't hear what Dan Rather had to say. I don't know who shot anybody, but I'm building sandcastles in my gym. Like what?

When are you going to bed? Went to bed at 5 p.m. last night. Went to bed before dinner. I ate lunch and went to bed. So funny, dude. so funny dude mark walberg is also one of those guys that no matter how on in shape he gets he's been no matter how out of shape he got he's been in shape most of his life that he just looked s jacked no matter what like it all goes to his chest i woke up at 8pm. The day before.

Hey, everybody. I woke up at 8pm the day before. When did you go to bed? I went to bed after that, but miraculously, I woke up earlier than that. What? I'm going back in time. Every time I go in bed, I go back in time, and I wake up earlier than when I went to bed. The fuck? I'm the only guy who does it. Aspire to be better.

I wake up before I go to sleep huh and he's just so ripped no matter it's just so jacked the more literally red because you see his muscles like a red and white like it's a skeletal fucking diagram hey Mark Wahlberg you can't even see his lips is just fucking skip skeleton you see his tendons just moving.

It's fine to be better. I'm building sandcastles and I'm skeletal. Dude, it's so fucking weird. Five-four clothing. Gotta take my pack. I had to wake up before I went to bed so I could take my protein. Somebody wrote on his fucking Instagram thing, why the paper plate and the paper forks?

Hey, man, choose your battles, you know? Mark Wahlberg's not going to respond to you because of recycling. He's busy waking up at fucking 9 p.m. the day before he went to sleep. Dude, I fucking, Mark Wahlberg is so fucking dope. That's so funny. But hey. You know what Mark Wahlberg's doing? ASMR when he talks. Hey guys, what's up?

How's it going? Just want to talk to you about some new ASMR triggers and that's building sandcastles. Let's move this sand around. That's me building a sandcastle. I'm doing some ASMR. Feel the vibrations. Feel the vibrations of the sandcastle I'm making Shh, let's tap a little bit Let's get the funky punch over here to tap a little bit Woke up at fucking 1am Gotta whisper because my wife's asleep Let's do some scratching Let's do some scratching on kettlebells

Feel those vibrations, do you feel them sensations? Feel the sensations Of the obvious scalp. Coming at you with a funky bunch of feelings and sensations. Let me push a bunch of catapults. Dude, Mark Wahlberg's voice was built for asmr that's how asmr started they've heard mark walberg talking at 4 a.m because his wife is asleep and they were like some kid was like wait a minute let's tap i got some gummies i I'm going to eat a brownie. Here we go.

And then a car drives by. Vroom. Damn it. What is this world coming to? The internet's fucked everything up. I'm sweaty. Dude, I'm so sweaty. Can't get...

No air vents in my studio. No air vents in my studio. Not bad. But there should have been air vents in my studio. No air vents in my studio. Not bad, but there should have been air vents in my studio. Stop it. Why won't it stop? I don't know, dude. I'm up. All right, look, dude, we're going to do these here.

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This podcast has a very good cult following. And you guys are my babies and you guys understand that sometimes these podcasts look these podcasts are like life these podcasts are like the days you live in your life some of them are going to be hot shit you're gonna wake up and you're gonna fucking feel it right away right and you're gonna be fucking feel it right away. Right. And you're going to be living your day the way it fucking goes and the way it should go and the way you imagine it. Right. And that's great.

And you listen to these podcasts. And thank you for it. Some of these podcasts are going to have ups and downs, just like life. Sometimes I'm going to get on a fucking run talking about shit like how Mark Wahlberg wakes up before he goes to sleep, and that's going to be funny. Sometimes I'm going to talk about ASMR

and do a fucking silly little thing that you're going to fucking like, like way back when, when I did the fucking, how robots are taking over the world and how everyone's going to be out of out of a job that was like episode six and sometimes i'm going to be rambling because i'm a rambling man and it's going to be fucking yeah i'm going to lose you that and and look i'm in a corner in my fucking podcast room and this is what it is i got my orange chair that i already had i set it up i videotaped it because some of you said you wanted to see me do it and this is what it is dude have have at it if you don't like it don't listen i don't want you to fucking listen.

I want the people that are going to be in my cult fucking sitting pretty with me at the log cabin eventually. And you understand that this podcast is like life, my babies. You're going to have good days and bad days. And if you don't want to be a part of it gunk gunk dude dude how dumb is gunk gunk wow i fucking suck. Donkey balls, man. I'm just doing this shit every week because you keep fucking listening and you keep asking me to. I don't know, man. People started fucking giving me money to do it now.

I got sponsors. I got to fucking keep doing it. You think I give a fuck? I don't know, man. I just want to do stand stand up and fucking talk to you motherfuckers i just want to tweet dumb shit and do silly shit on my instagram and now i got this fucking goddamn podcast i got to do every week and i have to do it because now i make fucking too much money doing it for fuck's sake how's that for something to complain about i fucking do my

whole life to try and not have a boss i do stand up and i do the shit i want to do so i don't have a boss i turn down fucking tv shows because i'm happy i got this fucking stand-up shit that i gotta do and i don't want to have to be employed by a company that's gonna be like hey you can't say this or tweet that or careful who you text what and what they screenshot motherfucker no i don't want to do that i want to fucking text who i want to text how i want to text i want to say what i want to say how i want to say it and i don't want to fucking have to adhere to your bullshit and now i got this goddamn podcast that i got to do every fucking week because you guys pay attention to it

fuck you man and you know what in a jolly. Fuck you in the most fat jolly way. Dude, picture me, the fattest guy eating McDonald's, happy as shit, watching my kids play in a park while I'm sitting on a bench. Just saying with a big shit-eating grin from one end to the other. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for listening. Now I got to do this shit every goddamn week. Every goddamn week I got to do this shit.

Because it makes too much money. Well, whatever, bro. Thank you. Thank the fuck you, man. Thank you, man. Thank you. And I mean it from the bottom of my balls. I mean it from the bottom of my fucking hairy nuts. Dude, how about people who shave their fucking balls and nuts and taint and their fucking pubes?

What the fuck are you doing, dude? What are you doing? You swimmer? No, you're not. And even if you are, you got something that covers it like a speedo dude that's gangster if you wear a speedo that's gangster as shit i'm wearing speedos for now on forever i have a speedo by the way and one time i went to my beach house my parents beach house they don't have it anymore they got rid of it but they used to have a beach house and

one time i came down in my speedos and my mom was like no christopher you go back upstairs and you change and i was like what mom they do it in france and she was like you are not she's like i can see the side of your balls and i was like that's how speeders are designed dude and i went out to the fucking ocean and dude we were in america and they didn't like it my mom didn't like it i'm hairy dude you can see my pubes a little bit if I wear a Speedo. So sue me. That's not my fault. That's the Speedos maker's fault.

Don't get a beach house. Don't invite me to your beach house if you don't want to see the fucking hair on my thighs. Because I'm Speedo'd the fuck out. And I don't cross my legs. No And I don't cross my legs. No, I don't cross my legs. Guess what? I don't cross my legs unless I feel like it. And I don't feel like it sometimes when I'm wearing speedos.

It's like that whole fucking papcock episode, man. I think about that all the time now when I go to the gym. I fucking walk around and trounce around naked in my fucking gym. And I think about it. Now I think about it when people, when guys are like, oh shit. And they look at me at the gym i'm like fuck man oh what if they heard my podcast and then i get a little bit insecure but i still try to keep the eye contact man not because i'm gay and i want to suck them but because this is how it is in the gym this is how it is in the fucking locker room i show my cock in the locker room and if they make speedos i'm gonna get a speedo do you know why dude because when i get in

the ocean and when i get in a pool i swear to god too i want to be aerodynamic as shit i want to be aerodynamic as shit dude and it's because not even because i want to swim fast or whatever first of all if i'm going in the ocean let me tell you, dude, if you go in the ocean past your knees, you're fucking crazy, dude. You're crazy. If you go into the ocean and the water is coming up above your knees. Dude, you're crazy. You know what percentage we know about what's in the ocean? One. One goddamn percent.

You're going to go waist deep into the unknown? Hey, man. Who are you? Fucking Buzz Aldrin? You're in. If you go into the ocean above your knees, guess what your name is now? Fucking Buzz Aldrin or the other guy. How about the other guy that got the raw end of the deal?

Who's he? Buzz Aldrin. I'm asking neil armstrong dude buzz aldrin had the dopest fucking they both went neil armstrong is a more famous one fuck that dude buzz aldrin had the dope name here's the thing here's the thing now here's the thing dude they think that i'm fucking like yeah neil armstrong is the fucking most famous guy okay Okay. Okay. I get that.

He got the raw end of the deal when it came to stepping out onto the moon. Like the guy went first or something. What happened? Neil Armstrong went first and Buzz Aldrin was like, hey, what about me? But let me tell you who the fucking real man was. Buzz Aldrin, because his name is Buzz Aldrin. That's like saying, you know, when Neil Armstrong was like, we're to the moon, and Buzz Aldrin was like, I'm going too. You know Neil Armstrong was like, well, I got to be the fucking first guy to get out there because this fucking asshole's name is Buzz Aldrin.

If I'm the second guy that goes, imagine the first guy that went onto the moon. Imagine the fucking, imagine the fuck you. Imagine the fuck you if you step on the moon, dude, and you were the first guy on the moon and your name is Buzz Aldrin. The fuck you to the universe. Neil Armstrong. Neil. As a matter of fact, I bet they I don't care what the government says. I guarantee you Buzz Aldrin was the first guy that they got. That was like, I can do it on the most qualified.

Buzz Aldrin was the first guy that they got that was like, I can do it on the most qualified. And then they were like, well, we got to find the fucking guy in NASA or whatever that had the most that has the best name. And then they were like, there's one guy. And they're like, who? And they were like, Neil Armstrong. And they were like, well, we have to have him and we got him. They were like, look, Neil, we can't let Buzz Aldrin take that first step. have him and we got him they were like look neil we can't let buzz aldrin take that first step if they do i swear to god we don't know that there's aliens but we will know because they're going to fucking take over earth and explode on us because his name's buzz aldrin and that's the

biggest fuck you that'd be like if your name was fucking moose mcgillicuddy and you were just like and you were just like oh go and you're like, here we go. Moose McGillicuddy. One small step for a man. One giant leap for mankind. Moose McGillicuddy. The first American to step on the moon. Foghorn Leghorn moon unit

what the fucking moon unit zappo or whatever the fuck his name is like you gotta have fucking neil armstrong if you're gonna have buzz aldrin you can't have fucking buzz aldrin and then fucking moose mcgillicuddy you know how the russians would be like

we will kill them. That's hilarious, dude. I don't give a fuck. Neil Armstrong got the raw end of the deal because of the name. And I know that Buzz Aldrin got the wrong end of the deal because Neil Armstrong... How about this, dude?

Let me tell you, too. That's a boss fucking move, what Buzz Aldrin did. That is a boss move. Dude, I guarantee you, buzz aldrin was the most tupac motherfucker of all time because his name was buzz aldrin he went to the moon and he let neil armstrong take the first step on the goddamn moon bro when i'm driving to do a show three hours away and i'm with my openers i want to fucking step into the am pm before them and that's how bitch i am and buzz aldrin was like go ahead

neil uh and his name was buzz aldrin that That's some gangster shit, dude. I ain't got no motherfucking... That's what Neil Armstrong was. That's what fucking... Neil Armstrong was like this. I get to take the first step? This is amazing. I get to take the first step?

This is amazing. This is amazing. I get to take the first step. This is Neil Armstrong. You're going to let me do that, Buzz Aldrin? This is fucking amazing. And then he did it, and then Buzz Aldrin fucking stepped behind him

and was like, I ain't got no motherfucking name. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat ass. Didn't Neil Armstrong die or no? no is he dead who's dead buzz aldrin or neil armstrong who died buzz is alive and neil armstrong died then then when buzz when buzz is alive and neil armstrong when neil armstrong die fucking uh uh buzz aldrin was like this fucking uh uh buzz aldrin was like this buzz aldrin's still alive dude thinking about the moon like this when buzz aldrin died dude fucking when when neil armstrong died Buzz Aldrin was like this. Hi, bye. Dude, I fucking suck.

You know what I mean? I fucking suck. This is awesome, dude. I'm dripping sweat. Let's face facts, guys. I can't lie to you. I got to be fucking 100% honest with you guys. Let's face facts.

I'm dripping fucking sweat. When I'm after this, I'm going to take this shirt off. I'll tell you what I'm going to do right now just to be fucking disrespectful on you motherfuckers. I'm going to order goddamn food. I'm going to order Postmates. That's what I'm going to do. I've got to get rid of Postmates. No?

One fire? No? I just got Postmates, dude. That's it. Daddy's getting Postmates and being real disrespectful on you motherfuckers. You know why? Because I can.

And you're going to listen anyway. Dude, I love getting Postmates. Oh, it's closed. The place I want to go is closed. Cool. Pissed. How about places... Oh, yeah, because it's Labor Day, bro.

Fuck Labor Day. Not fuck Labor Day. I guess it's good. Every fucking. Every. Yeah, delivery, dude. Okay, let's go. Every holiday in Canada, they have like once a month.

Every other week is like Monday is off. I didn't know that. Did you know that? I didn't know that until I did. But that's usually how things work. I want roast. Here's what I'm going to do. See, this is when I order for this shit.

I get the shit. I get the grilled salmon. See, that's how we do it, dude. Okay. I don't want that. how we do it dude okay i don't want that here we go ordering i thank you for listening while i'm ordering you guys that's it here it comes and now tender greens doesn't fucking close on uh uh on and at tender greens they don't close on on liberday because they know what's up how about in italy though they take off all of august ah what if you want a sandwich i mean you know hey uh if you go to Italy, don't go in August. Imagine fucking saving up.

You got to spend fucking 12 grand for you and your family to go to Italy. And you go August 2nd to August 19th. Hey, can I get some help? Sorry, we're all off. We're not going back to work until September 1st. Go fuck yourself.

Hey, do you know where I can get a sandwich? Sure, Paris. Not here. What is it? Look, we're googling right now does it at least shut down in august trip advisor does it say not to go i wonder dude tourist stuff i'm sure is open because it's the summer it's gotta be but dude if you live in how about fuck that man imagine imagine having a whole month where everyone's off i would be infuriated i would be so angry if that happened i would hate that so a whole month dude

dude they're just sitting around fucking getting blowjobs eating the pizza that they made all year they're getting so many blowjobs it's a blowjob month farragosto is a public holiday celebrated on the 15th august in italy to see you know it's so foreign to say 15th august and not august 15th and san marino it coincides with the major catholic feast of assumpt of the assumption of mary the fuck by metanemi metanemi metanemi i don't know what the fuck my name is a figure of speech in which a thing or up click on it again one fire uh a concept referred to by the name of something closely associated with that thing or cause oh it's confusing dude okay so here's what they said. Metanymy, and this is the definition, is a figure of speech in which a thing or concept is referred to by the name of something closely associated with that thing or concept. So just wrong?

It's just wrong it's a summer vacation period around mid-august which may be a long weekend or most of august most of all or most of august i mean so general the whole thing it's something that we thought was something but it's not something but it's closely related to something and they take off either august 15th or that weekend or all of august okay hey wikipedia get your shit together and it who wrote you know who runs that italians they don't give a fuck sorry we posted in it we posted about it in august we weren't really working we wrote it down and we didn't do a research so so we just know it's around august we weren't really working we wrote it down and we didn't do research so so we just know it's around august we think it's august 15th but also it may be the weekend or all of august

just write it down we'll figure it out in september and it's september that's how lazy they are it's september fucking third and they already did and they still didn't do it it's September. This is how lazy they are. It's September fucking 3rd, and they still didn't do it. It's a Labor Day in America, though, so fuck it. We'll wait until September 4th. And even not in August, they take siestas. They're fucking, you can't get, dude, if you try to go get, go take fucking some shit to the dry cleaners, don't do it at 1230 or 1330, whatever the fuck they call it.

You're fucked. They're out getting fucking BJs, dude. That's what they are. Remember, second-class citizen female, I'm coming home at 1330 p.m. to get my balls drained. I'll be back to get your dry cleaning at the fucking 1530 after my balls drained. Then they come back tired as shit. Hey, sorry.

So tired. Slept, sat down on a comfy couch, got my balls drained and then passed out. Did you need to get your suit dry cleaned? For what? You only work five hours a day. What do you need a suit for? What do you need that for? For what?

Just get your balls drained. It's Faragusto. It's August. Unreal, dude. Italy. Fucking, I went to Italy with my family, and my dad thought he was Italian. I mean, he's Italian, but he kept on trying to fucking,

he kept on like, my dad's the kind of guy who goes on a trip that's like, nah, let's fucking talk how they talk, you know, and he'll be like, we'll be at a restaurant, and they'll be like, he was asking for cheese, he kept on asking for un queso, un queso, and then he found out that it meant fucking little church. He was asking for a little church. He was asking for a little church. He was asking for fucking little church to put on his pasta. And everyone was like, I know what he's trying to say.

Nobody corrected him until the end. He was like, I know what he's trying to say. Okay, cool. Yeah. Bring him cheese. Hey, the fucking asshole Americans asking for a little church.

Fromaggio. Chiesa. You're saying like chiesa or some shit, whatever little church is. That's hilarious. But whatever my dad was trying to say, he was like, what is he trying to say? And then the maitre d' was finally like, little church? It was so funny.

But one time, too, we were going, we were in Rome, and we were trying to go to fucking meet a whole family, my dad and my brother and my mom. Dude, also, too, before we were going, my brother dressed up in his regular clothes, and then I dressed up in a shirt that was a little bit lime green,

and I had these rose-t tinted glasses like some fucking asshole like i was like i was lance bass or some shit you know when you're 20 you do some dumb i was 19 i was a teenager i looked like a fucking asshole right and um but i remember i was like working out real hard at that time and like i had a fucking shirt on that was like showing off my fucking cascade and fucking double black diamond fucking mountains and shit and uh my brother showed up to my parents hotel room and my brother and my dad was like hey matt you look nice and he said hi chris you look funky and we fucking use it the whole time because he we're like oh hates it so much but he had to say funky because we're gonna say oh chris you look because he was gonna say it anyway he was gonna be like oh matt you look nice going to say, oh, because you look, because he was going to say it anyway, he was going to be like, oh, Matt, you look nice, and he was going to say, oh, because you look, and then he saw me, and he was like, you look

funky, such a diss, such a subtle slam, didn't even realize it, and that's why you got the Grand Slam Master right now, man, that's the origin story, but anyway, we went, but anyway, yeah, everyone has an origin story, and that's mine, so we went to fucking eat, and the guy who was the hostess or the host even though he was a guy he was the hostess is a female job so uh sexist whatever anyway he was like 60 whatever i don't give a fuck it's a comedy podcast and um and so we got there and um and uh we got there and the guy and the guy parents were like, go in and get a seat. My dad was probably outside trying to fucking do something real Italian like smoke and eat a baguette and paint on an easel.

And he was like, go get a seat. And I was waiting for the guy and the host guy was like singing. And I always – this became like a big joke in my family. But like he was singing and he family but like he was singing and he was whatever he was singing he was like like s italian whatever he was doing and then he fucking looked over at me just with his eyes and he saw me there and i caught him singing and i was trying to act like it was cool, like I didn't give a fuck he was singing. And then he just goes, buongiorno. And every time I bring that up, my aunt fucking laughs so hard.

She goes, do the thing in Italy when you caught the guy singing. And I'll just be like, And then I'll look out of my eyes and I'll say, buongiorno. That's what it was and it was so funny, dude. And I was 19 and I looked funky. And he looked at me and he was like, that guy looks funky. And he went, buongiorno.

Anyway, then my dad asked for a little church on his food. Samaritan. Do we have questions? Only a couple. Well, that's fine. Let's do, want to do the elder? We got another elder, elder dude. We got another elder, baby.

We got an elder because you guys, now let me just remind you guys, these elders take our word. They take our cult. They take our, you know, they either tell people to turn around because they're doing something wrong or they help spread the word by creating things like art and music and whatever the fuck it is that helps people hear and learn and, and also about this cult and then also kind of just enhance our experience as cult members. So this elder is now, this newest elder, congratulations to Brett Bergstrom, at Scrip Games, S-C-R-I-P-G-A-M-E-S. Now I want you to congratulate him on Twitter. He made a game called Uh-Oh Cuda, and it's a pretty cool game where you get to be a little pacifier. And you come out of a log cabin and you shoot other pacifiers to kill these Cudas.

They're Cudas. Oh, I know they're Cudas, dude. Because I can see they're Cudas. And it's very fucking cool. So it's like, what? Because it's a pacifier. No, you shoot other pacifiers out of the pacifier. Yeah, you shoot pacifiers out of the pacifiers and you hit Kudas.

And you get three lives. And it's like that game, one of those old games. Probably a game called Asteroid or something. Anyway, so do we have any questions? Let's do questions. We met a true baby in the wild for the first time last night that's a phrase that's a phrase we created on this podcast if you spot a true baby in the wild you take a picture if they're wearing a cuda shirt a no cuda shirt or a fucking dalia's grand grand slam shirt we met a true baby in the wild for the first time last night we were

talking about merch and someone leaned over and said did you just say one fire the next couple of minutes were full of gunk and turnaround. Crystalia brings people together. Congratulations, Pod. Thanks, Melissa Ramirez, for your testimonial. Miss Y Plur. Thank you very much. Change it, but thank you very much.

Very cool that you spread the word and you come together. I love when babies come together, man. I really do. If you're in your city, meet up with other babies. If you don't know them, introduce yourself. Share ideas.

Live the hedonistic lifestyle. Meet up if you're a male baby and a female baby, or if you're a male baby and a male baby, or if you're a female baby and a female baby. Meet up.

Fuck and suck each other. Make each other come. Because we share ideas and we live the hedonistic lifestyle. Meet up with other babies as friends. Meet up with other babies for fucking and sucking. For draining balls. You know, for rocking the fried butterfly, that's how we do it. Crystalia from JT Cure, at CureJT,

how do you feel about people riding unicycles in the year 2018? Kick their fucking wheel out from under them. Make them scrape their knees. That's not something we do anymore. If you're riding a unicycle, get attention in other ways. Have a goddamn personality, right? And I'm not talking about one of those big ass wheels that it's fucking, how about the fucking ones that are so big where you're like, how the fuck did they even get up on there? If you need friends to help you get on a unicycle. If you got one of those little bitch ass ones, though. Let me tell you something.

If you have one of those little bitch ass ones. Those little ones where you just kind of like, you're a bitch. You're a fucking bitch. Look at these pictures of unicycle. Look at these assholes. This guy's in the wheel on this one. What an asshole.

Like he thinks he's Elon Musk. Yeah, if you have a unicycle and you're just fucking riding through new york city with a hat on if you have a unicycle on if you if you're wearing if you're on a unicycle there's like a 95 chance you have a goddamn hat on i've never seen someone on a unicycle with not a funky hat on. Right? Yojenkis. At Yojenkis.

Yo, I heard you love Persian men. I mean, sure, man. You know? What? Okay. Yeah. I do, I guess. I like them.

I like other guys, too. I have a fucking Persian. I have a bunch of Persian friends. One of them is my best friend. Are you trying to get like I fuck him and suck him? I don't do that. But just because that's not my preference. That's all the questions we got. You guys came up with some fucking lame-ass shit questions.

I mean, two of them were okay. One of them wasn't a question. The other one was about a unicycle. That was the good one. And then some guy just said, I heard you love Persian men. Okay. Hey, man. Okay. wasn't a question the other one was about a unicycle that was the good one and then some guy just said i heard you love persian men okay hey man okay um so look you guys thank you i had a great time this episode it began a little clunky uh but boy that second half was hot shit just like life is sometimes um remember guys keep berbering and uh download the cat download the cash app for free on

the App Store or Google Play Market and to rewards code congrats get $5 give $5 to times up download my app in the App Store Chris D'Elia just type that in and and you can look at the first few minutes live on that on the

podcast and you can see it before anyone else sees it. And you can be the envy of all the other babies. Merch available. Go to ChrisDelia.com. And you can also buy tickets to my Follow the Leader Tour. I'm going to a bunch of places coming up. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. Rate and review the show on iTunes and all that shit wherever you can.

Video episodes go up on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. And watch everything I'm on, okay? And if you have a unicycle, make sure and fucking fall down on Tuesdays or Wednesdays and, uh, watch everything I'm on. Okay. And if you have a unicycle, make sure and fucking fall down and scrape the goddamn knees. Thanks. Bye. Thank you.