Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 85. - Johnny Hipscry

Episode Date: September 10, 2018

It's the 85th episode! On today's show, Chris tells his Kurt Russell story. Also discussed: math flirting, Car Wash by Rose Royce, Myspace and the Top 8, and what you should do if you own a waffle maker. We name a new Elder and answer a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and ~~don't~~ forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show, we can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. This episode of Congratulations

is brought to you by the Cash App. You know the Cash App. You know the Cash App. It's the simplest way to instantly send money to friends. It's also the number one app in finance. But it didn't get there on payments alone. These days, Cash App is changing how people interact with their money. It's adding features you can only get from a bank and more than a few that you can't. Like the Cash Card, Boosts, and Bitcoin.

Download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. We're back. We're back in business, babies. We are back in business. Episode 85. We're live on the fucking app. And we're also... I'm a quick... I'm a sick fuck.

I like a quick fuck. I'm a sick fuck. I like a quick fuck. I'm a sick fuck. I like a quick fuck. Have you heard that song yet? The Kanye West one with Lil Pump? Where they look like they're the fucking talking heads.

Is that who used to wear those boxy ass shits? Yeah, dude. Also, it's not really a sick fuck if you look just like a quick fuck. That's just you have shit to do. I'm a sick fuck. I like a quick fuck. It shouldn't be like that. That's not that sick.

I'm a sick. He might as well just be saying, I'm a sick fuck. I like to just fuck. I'm a sick fuck. I like to fuck fuck I'm a sick fuck, I like to fuck, I'm busy He should just be It would make sense if he was like I'm a sick fuck, I like to shit on chest I'm a sick fuck, I like to shit on glass table

Have you ever seen that? Where somebody takes a shit on a glass table And it almost hits your face Why do I know it? Anyway Dude, we're here It's episode 80-fucking and we're and we're having a good time and i had weird dreams last night and i and i woke up in the middle of the night and i

thought i can't wait to tell you guys what they are on the podcast then i went back to sleep again woke up again they're gone got no idea what they fucking were because that's what dreams happen that's what happens with dreams that's what happens with dreams dreams are like a fucking chick you almost hooked up with and then get a boyfriend and you're like ah shit almost almost dream almost but uh what we got to remember is i'm a sick fuck i like a quick fuck uh yeah dude this is episode 85 and if you notice you're live on the app already. But I got to tell you, my babies, if you're going to watch a fucking video podcast, if you're ever going to watch a video podcast, then my babies, episode 85 is the one to watch. Because, and I know you're listening right now before you fucking watch.

Some of you guys do both. But we did some renovations, dude. We did some renovations to the studio. We had 40 men come in here. And and some women because we're not sexist we had 40 men and some women because we're not sexist come in here and rebuild the studio dude you could see it and it's fucking awesome dude it's absolutely awesome and you guys gotta fucking you guys gotta see uh you guys gotta see it So go to the video podcast and see that shit. If you're not on live on my app, then, you know, you got to fucking go click on YouTube in a day or whatever.

And you might notice it's subtly hinting at something. Okay. You might notice it's subtly hinting at something. You might notice it's subtly hinting at something you might notice it's not only hitting something um and we got a sign here that was made by uh i think katherine something it says on the back i'll take it off in at the end but uh this was fan made dude this congratulations with crystal the assigner's fan made now we're just using it temporarily so don't get too excited if that is you katherine but you know he's immortalized for a little bit um and uh so that's what's up but yeah uh so we got a new fucking we got new digs here dude and we're killing it and we're having a fucking good time

and it's amazing what new digs could fucking do for you make you feel good dude you know they say things don't matter like you know like how about when when you get your when you clean your house and then it's all clean and then you feel fucking good right what's that what's that what's that you don't need to get your house clean you don't need to paint your walls but when you do you feel you know what you feel lifted that's what you feel you feel dude. You feel like someone's fucking carrying you places. That's what you feel like. Let's pop the Perrier.

There we go. Drinking it. Let's pop the fucking Caveman Nitro Cold Brew Coffee. Giving to my buddy Tate. Let's pop that. Sounds pretty fucking good. Hey, what the fuck sounds better than opening up a can of something, you know? Remember when, remember fucking like 20 years ago when people would say, I'm going to open

up a can of whoop ass on you and they thought it was fucking cool. That's crazy, dude. Things become dorky immediately, right? Like immediately. It's not fair how quickly things become dorky like hair you know what i'm talking about if you look at yourself five years ago and you don't think what's up with that hair then you fucking have no literally no like um like your your barometer is just completely off for everything, dude.

You just can't understand what the fuck life's about. Because your hair five years ago sucked. Dude, you had, guess what, dude? You, whoever you are listening, you had bad hair five years ago. Even if you had a full head of hair and you're bald now, you look better now than you did because you looked you looked so 90s five years ago you looked so 90s it doesn't matter if it was just 2013 quick math uh quick math 2018 minus 5 2013 2013. Quick math.

I used to flirt with girls like this. I used to be like this. I used to have this. It wasn't like a thing I did, but I would be like, dude, I'm so good at math. And they'll be like, whatever. And I'd be like, no, no, no. I'm like, I actually really fucking good at math. Give me two, any two numbers, single digits.

Tell, give me two digit numbers. Give me, give me one digit numbers, two of them. I will add them before you're even done telling me what the second number is. And she'd be like, wait, what? And then I have to explain it again, of course. And she'd be like, okay, eight and five. And then I would be like, wait, what? And she'd say eight and five.

And she'd get to F and I would just be like, fucking 13. And then she'd be like, what? And I'd be like, okay, give me two more. Okay, two and three. And I'd say, what? And she'd say, two and, and I'd say, five. It was a little fun jokey thing, man, because you'd be like, you know, you pretend you didn't hear the first time and you did this. That's the stuff I think they probably do on the magic, in the magic castle, by the way.

I'm a magician is basically what I'm trying to say. That's the stuff I think they probably do in the Magic Castle, by the way. I'm a magician is basically what I'm trying to say. So anyway, what was I talking about? I don't have a fucking clue. What was I talking about? Math? Math.

One fire ghost. Math? I mean, I know that. I meant before it, dude. I don't remember, bro. I don't fucking remember. What? Feeling lifted? Oh, yeah. know that i meant before it dude i don't remember bro i don't fucking remember what feeling lifted oh yeah dude you feel lifted when you paint your walls paint your walls dude paint your fucking walls paint your fucking walls get done with it go to lunch and then come back enjoy how you feel for real dude for fucking real hey okay you know what i actually want to

talk about i put it on my instagram story i ate fucking larabar bites dude hey you know what you should do for larabar bites for real this is let me tell you something man you're a company this is what you do okay i don't know if i've ever had a Larabar. I probably have. But the Larabar Bites, you might as well just put them directly in your asshole and then shit them out because they taste like the packaging. Hey, Larabar Bites, get it to fucking gather. Oh, it's it's vegan cool there's a lot of good people are like it's vegan what did you expect i don't give a fuck bro there's vegan places that are amazing there are vegan places that i would choose to go to and i don't even give a fuck about like being vegan but the larabar bites hey get it together they're so they taste you know what they taste like

this wall right here that's what they taste like hey larabar bites you taste like a wall care for walls come on in and get some larabar bites dude they're awful my buddy got them and he's like oh these suck and i was like no they don't bro you're just fucking because the guy probably eats like four loco and and fundip i'm like your taste buds are probably just not you know not sophisticated sophisticated and i put it in my mouth and i thought oh dude you know the last time you know how bad a candy has to be if you literally do you know how bad a candy has to be to stop at one like you give candy a second chance every time you could eat literally they could be diarrhea bites they could be diarrhea bites made by fucking you know any made by uh uh what do you call it a canon camera maybe the guy

they got no business making making candy and it'd be diarrhea bites and you'd be like all right let me give it a second and third chance these larababar bites, you get one. You put one in your mouth and then you're done, dude. Because you're like, oh, I'll never put that in my mouth again. And I put out my story and everybody was DMing me like, oh yeah, these are fucking terrible tell you too, you get one. Reminds me of something me and my brother used to do. We used to go to the Dodger game and Jeff Kent would play. Was Jeff Kent on the Mets and the Dodgers? Jeff Kent.

Anyway, he looked like a fucking, he was this baseball player that was this action, that looks literally, couldn't look more – if you think of action movie star in the 80s, couldn't look more like Jeff Kent, the ball player on fucking New York Mets, Toronto Blue Jays, Cleveland Indians, San Francisco Giants, Houston Astros, Los Angeles Dodgers. He's been on all those teams, okay? And we would see him and, you know, like at the – if you've ever been to a baseball game, when the batter plays, they'll put up his like fucking picture on the big Jumbatron thing. And it will be like – and it'd be like number 45 jeff kent and then it would show his picture and then like by the way that song make a better song hey i've got a word for you guy who scores the batters when they're when they're brought up fucking to to at bat i've got a word for you. Try. Literally just took the fucking board and just went. And then one guy. And then they woke one guy up.

Oh, wait, that's a song. That is that. That's the beginning of at the car wash song. It is. No way. We got to fucking try this. This is what one fire says says which is why we fucking have him one higher this is that's the beginning of a fucking real actual song i thought they were

just well then why the fuck didn't they pay to be at the car wash he's saying wow we got to play this at the i know that song obviously at the car wash what video dude this is what they play every time a dodger gets up by every every other time they have a few at the car wash here we go car wash movie clip oh yeah no but that was a fucking movie this has got to be it i mean mean, dude, at the car wash video, there's so many fucked up videos that come up. It's like, I drove my car to the car wash. I don't give a fuck about that. Rolls Royce? Rolls Royce, dude.

Oh, for fuck's sake, this goddamn ads. Video will play after ads. It's the worst. Yeah, so anyway, they will play this song and Jeff Kent, whoever would be batting would be fucking come up. Wow, dude. This is a real song. that one and then it would just drown out it would never get to the good part and then the guy would get up and and have way too many and like

get a strike and a foul ball and then a fucking few balls. Dude, it's kind of disrespectful that they fucking didn't name ball. They just called it a ball. Like a strike is a strike. And then if it's outside of it, it's called a ball, right? That's like, come on, dude. What? You're just calling it the thing that you throw?

Bro. Baseball. Hey, baseball. Try harder. Dude, you know how much downtime there is for a baseball player? They could literally just be like checking their email and drinking a fucking chocolate shake. Literally in the field or in the dugout. Dude, they have a place to hang out during the game. How fucking, hey, baseball players, try. At least do jumping jacks when you're not at bat. Like, dude, they're just fucking, they got their knee up just eating.

They eat. They eat during the game. They have fucking chew. And bubble gum. They eat sunflower seeds. Dude, if you're playing a sport where you can eat, hey, give up, play basketball. I mean, dude, hey, oh yeah. Oh, cool. Oh, it's our turn at bat. Oh, cool. Oh, nice. How am I going to beat up this inning? No,

probably not. There's nine of us oh okay oh all right well then i guess you guys just go up and i'll take a break by the way i play fucking right field and never do anything yeah balls get hit out to me sometimes oh oh and baseball is the only sport where you can have a fucking fat out of shape guy football they're fat but they're in shape bro but baseball you take too many breaks dude oh hey how about this i'm the designated hitter i do as much activity physically as your mom ah oh hey yeah i'll get up oh dude yeah i'm a i got a fat gut and i eat during this sporting event that i'm a part of i i eat i eat and chill oh you want me to bat cool hope i hit a home run otherwise i've got a run unbelievable dude that's actually unbelievable

and then baseball is so lazy that they call the thing that's not a strike a ball, which is just the thing that you throw. Now, up to the plate. Hensley Mullins. We didn't come up with a song. We just got the most basic song, and then we'll end it before the good part. That's it. That's what you hear. At least play this fucking part.

And the boss don't mind sometimes if you act the fool. See, it's too funky. That's why. It's too funky. It's too much. You know what they think it is? They think, because it's America's pastime, they. That's why. It's too funky. It's too much. You know what they think it is? They think, because it's America's pastime, they think it's disrespectful. That's what they do.

But in actuality, it's disrespectful to just play the fucking clap part of the thing. Dude, I mean, you know what they should do? You know what they should do? All the guys who don't hit that inning that are just taking a break and the designated hitter and maybe the guy who plays left field. Why don't you guys get together when the other guys are fucking having to hit and you guys come up with a jingle? Come up with a fucking jingle. So when Jeff Kent is at bat, I'm not falling asleep with the worst beginning of any song of all time, dude. They should have, you know what they should have? They should have this song.

This is the song. This is the song that should fucking come up. Now batting. What? Come on. Now batting. What? Come on.

Now batting, number 25, Jeff Kent. Uh-oh. Now batting. Jeff Kent. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. In this part. You're such a fucking ignorant Michael Leiter. Here, here.

What's the time for shit? I love it. Are you trying to act like you did this fucking thing? Now batting, Daryl Strawberry. You're such a fucking, I'm a sick fuck. I like a quick fuck. I'm a sick fuck. I like a quick fuck. I'm a a sick fuck i like a quick fuck i'm a sick fuck i like a quick fuck i'm a sick fuck i like a quick fuck i'm a sick fuck i like a quick fuck i'm a sick okay you

know that song hey write more lyrics i'm a sick fuck i like a sick fuck quick fuck dude um kanye couldn't look more like he shit himself that whole video, by the way. He's always like this. There's probably a toilet in that fucking thing. It's so big. Yeah, dude. Baseball. Try. By the way, baseball is my favorite sport.

I'm making a joke, but baseball is my favorite sport. You know why? Because there's breaks. That's why. Stop. I do feel like try also, but also, dude, relax. You're in your 30s. Relax. You know? Like basketball and shit. Like that's why I didn't like sports. It's like, you want the ball that bad? Fucking take it, dude. I got shit to do. I got to look at emails. Here, here. you want the ball so bad here you know i'm we're not what are we in the nba i guess if you're in the nba it's a different story getting paid millions of dollars i mean you know hopefully wow this fucking new setup is awesome the chair the new chairs this

shit it makes my back feel good dude chairs were expensive as shit didn't make a then got two of them dude what's up with these fucking rappers takashi69 i put it on world star there was a picture of him on world star and i with him and nick and minaj the two of them were talking and i and he was on the right and i wrote the chick nick and minaj the two of them were talking and i and he was on the right and i wrote the chick on the right is hot and people fucking got people people were literally like that's that's a dude my man oh yeah dude hey get it get sarcasm people are dumb as fuck huh on the internet oh dude? Oh, dude, the shit, the Eminem shit, when I did the fucking video that went viral,

when I did the Bampkins, when I did that video, dude, people were like, yo, dude, not cool. He's the greatest of all time. And you're just some fucking bullshit guy who's trying to get a name off of him. Like, imagine if that was what my thought was, to be in the car and be like, dude, I got to make a name for myself. I know what I'll do.

I'll make fun of the way Eminem raps. Then it will go viral. And then I'll have a name for myself. I didn't fucking, first of all, I didn't know it was going to go viral just because I said fucking Blapkins. Second of all, comedian, that's what I do. And people are fucking morons. Worldstar posts 400,000 times a day,

by the way. Yeah, it's way far back, dude. But anyway, this cool Worldstar post video. Yeah. And yeah, it's crazy how that went viral though. It would be insane if Eminem fucking... It would be insane.

People were like, what if Eminem disses you? And I was like, that's hilarious. But then I thought, what if he fucking did though? What if he was like, You're doing nothing banana manapia you know uh that would be awesome i would be that's it dude i would be like you know what i would be like for real if that happened are you trying to act like you were drinking sparkling water before you came out here you're such a fucking i'm a sick fuck i like a quick fuck i'm a sick fuck i like a quick fuck

i'm a sick fuck i like a quick fuck uh anyway i don't know but that's what's up uh that's what's up uh so that's that's it i don't know uh speaking of fucking sports i was at dinner the other night because sometimes your boy gets dressed up and goes out hey dude it's not often sometimes your boy gets dressed up and likes to sit down and eat some Chinese food. So I was out and this guy comes up to me and he's like, hey, I hope you don't mind, but my friend is a big fan, okay, and then says, my friend's a big fan, and he just is here in LA, he's here in LA, and he loves the Lakers, can he get a picture, and I thought, okay, the fuck do I care if he likes the Lakers or not, right, and I was like, yeah, tell him to come on over. And he comes over.

And I was like, you know, sit down. Like, we'll just get a pic, whatever. And he's like, oh, okay, cool. And the guy goes to take a picture. And he was like, should I sit down or should you stand up? I was like, no, just sit down. And the other guy was like, well, you don't want him to stand up because then he'll make you look short.

And I was like, the guy's not that short. And as they were taking a picture, I realized I actually think this guy thinks i'm paul gasol i've had it happen before where somebody is like hey are you somebody comes up this this this guy came up to me he's like hey are you paul gasol and i was like no dude do you want me to stand up you'll know know I'm not Paul Gasol that way. And he was like, oh, okay. It was at the comedy store too. I think sometimes people just see people that they've recognized before and they think that there's someone else that they recognize.

I think that that's what happens. But, dude, and I'm taking this picture and I wish I had the picture. You see the smile on my face. The smile on my face actually think here's a smile on my face looks is me realizing realizing this motherfucker thinks i'm paul gasol um even though i look nothing like him i i said this last episode that's my that's become the most tiresome thing is that oh you look like this guy oh you look like that guy when it's just a long-haired guy with a fucking beard it's so annoying. Anyway, Quip, have you guys tried this? You gotta. When you walk down the toothbrush aisle at the store, it doesn't take long to realize that there are lots of options, and many of them are gimmicks. The truth is, you really just need something that guides the simple

habits most of us get wrong when brushing our teeth. And Quip knows that. Quip is an electric toothbrush that's a fraction of the cost of the bulkier brushes while still packing just the right amount of vibrations to help clean your teeth. And I thought about this because they have a built-in timer that helps you clean for the dentist-recommended two minutes with guiding pulses that remind you when to switch sides. And I adhered to it this morning. And I was like, ah, it's really nice. I don't to you know figure out what to do and i know i'm keeping my teeth clean uh the subscription plans that quip has are for your health not just convenience they deliver the new brush heads on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just five dollars

including free shipping worldwide quip starts at just 25 and if you go to getquip.com slash congrats right now, you'll get your first refill pack free with a Quip electric toothbrush. That's your first refill pack free at getquip.com slash congrats. Spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash congrats. Got to do it, my babies. Honey. Now, chances are you've heard of Honey, the free browser add-on that finds and applies the best promo codes every time you shop. It may sound too good to be true.

Honestly, it did for me when I first did it. But let's go over the facts, my babies. First, you're probably wondering how much money can honey really save me? Turns out honey has already saved people over $800 million. Okay. So you also may be thinking honey doesn't work on the sites that I shop at. The truth is honey works on over 30,000 sites, even Amazon. All right. How is it free? What's the catch? Well, there's no catch. Honey gets a small commission from sites where honey saves you money. So it's always free. In fact, 10 million people trust honey to save them money every day. I use it and it's cool because every time I check out at Amazon, I save a few dollars.

And that adds up, dude. So that's why I like it. There's no reason, literally, to not use Honey. It's always free and it takes just two clicks to install. So add Honey to your browser for free right now and join honey.com slash congrats. That's joinhoney.com slash congrats that's join honey.com slash congrats yeah uh so that's what's up um you know i was thinking about this thing last week uh i was thinking about this thing last week

Or this week actually I'm a sick fuck, I like a quick fuck Not this, I hit that by mistake I like my dick suck, I buy you I mean, you know I'm a sick fuck, I like my dick suck That's not sick, man We all like it

If you got dick, you like to get it sucked Anyway, didn't mean to hit that at that point, but it made sense. I've been thinking about this thing this past week. I'm a sick fuck. I like a quick fuck. By the way, dude, my legs are getting stronger, dude. I do squats. That's it.

I do squats. And that's what's happening. I get in the teardrop, dude. I took a picture of myself in the studio, and I took it, and I had the fucking teardrop shit going on above my knee. And I was like, well, what the fuck who am i lee haney um anyway um i thought about this this past week remember when remember when myspace was a thing all right so this is a fucking funny story and i haven't told it in like years well so many years so i it's gonna be clunky but you guys gonna get the gist so remember that top okay those of you

don't know a lot of guys but don't know what myspace is i mean you know what it is but it was like facebook only it was myspace and it was basically the gangster janky version of facebook uh that now is only filled with like upcoming artists for some reason and also porn stars so um there was a thing called top eight and you could have like your top eight friends shown on your home page and i it was so annoying to me that people were like oh put me in your top, which of course annoyed the shit out of me because I don't give a fuck if I'm in your top eight. So put me in your top eight. You want to put me in your top eight. So I made fake profiles for my top eight.

This is so something I would do when I was 26. for my top eight this is so something i would do when i was 26 so i made the top pro i made eight fake profiles to put them in my top eight and i made them all kurt russell okay i made them all kurt russell and every profile was a different had a different pro uh icon uh of kurt russell so my top eight were all different pictures of Kurt Russell. Okay. Now here's how, you know, the Kurt Russell profiles were fake. Number one, Kurt Russell wasn't on my space. And you know that because you have a brain. Okay. Number two, if you clicked on any one of those profiles, you would see each one of those profiles only had one friend and they were me. Who made them?

Hey, me. Okay. Now, I had to make up fake emails and fake logins for every one of these Kurt Russell profiles on MySpace. I forgot some of them, but some of them i would remember so occasionally when i was bored and feeling like in a silly mood i would check the kurt russell profile inboxes and shit like that and every now and then people would write them usually it was spam and i'm talking about maybe it happened a few times a handful of times but one time this guy wrote to quote-unquote kurt russell from italy okay he writes

oh my god i'm the biggest i'm your biggest fan now he's not talking about Chris Salia. I know because I was nobody. I was just a struggling comedian. He said, I've seen all of your movies. I love your work. You're my favorite actor, Kurt Russell. I'm in Italy. If there's anything I can do to try and to audition or be in your movie, I would love to do it. I always wanted to be an actor. Please,

you know, you know, if there's anything, if you read this. So I got this message and I was like, oh my God, first of all, this, and I don't use this term lightly, brain dead Italian moron thinks that this is the real Kurt Russell. Now that's where you're going to have to get a head. All right. So he, so I'm like, wow. So I,

I log out. I'm like, that's amazing. I tell all my friends, like, this is fucking amazing. And I'm laughing. We're all laughing.

But then it starts to dawn on me. All of the things, all of the, all of the things that actors and struggling artists that move to Hollywood have to sacrifice and give up. They ruin relationships. They lose money. They, they're, they're broke. They're starving, right? They leave their fucking big fish in a small town and they fucking come out to Hollywood to try and make it. And they're eating ramen and toast every meal. And they give up everything just to hope to maybe get an audition for some bullshit Coles commercial. You know what I'm talking about? Coles. So I start getting annoyed at the internet and I start getting annoyed at people and this,

you know, culture that we have where they just want everything handed to them. And this is the beginning of it. This is before the fucking Kardashians had a career. This is before people were just paying for fit tea. You know what I'm talking about? Now, this guy, I'm getting mad at this guy because if this guy, oh, I'm a huge fan, always want to be an actor. If there's anything I can do, if there's anything you can do, move to fucking LA, drop everything and try. you're not trying you're the baseball of sports right you're not trying you're taking breaks you got the seventh inning stretch you motherfucker so move to la do this so i think you know what this is actually bullshit that this guy's doing this so i write back as quote-unquote kurt russell and i write wow man i'm humbled thanks a lot it's awesome that you're a huge fan i actually never write back uh but you seem like it got a good look. And if you really want to audition for my next movie about race cars, I say what you can do is you can put a monologue on tape.

And why don't you do the scene from A Few Good Men where Jack Nicholson says you can't handle the truth. And put it on tape and do your best and send it over to me in a link and i'll watch it and if it's good i'll cast you in my next movie about race cars all right now here's the thing where i judge i'm not a bad guy for doing this because this guy all I already explained how everyone gives up everything on fucking, you know, to try and move out here to be a, just get a glimpse of what the fuck they want for the dream. Right now. I think if this guy actually thinks I'm serious and is actually Kurt Russell saying, Hey man, do you want to audition for my race car movie? Put on a fucking monologue from a few good men and he does it then guess what it's his fault okay so i send it and i wait a few days i

check it and when i check it there's the fucking audition that this brain dead italian fuck is sends me an audition of him doing the scene from a few good men okay in his italian accent now this is the thing first First of all, I'm watching it crying, laughing, rolling around on my, on my apartment floor, rolling around, crying,

laughing, watching this guy doing a few good men in his Italian accent. Okay. Now in my memory, now this was 12 years ago, but in my memory now this was 12 years ago but in my memory the the dude had and i'm i'm 95 sure was wearing sunglasses okay and i at first i thought it was funny because I was like, what the fuck is he wearing sunglasses? Then I realized it's because of the fucking audacity.

He's off screen. He's reading the monologue or saying he'll do the monologue and then fucking reading it off screen, trying to fucking throw me for a loop by just wearing sunglasses. So I can't see where his eyes are. Now I'm actually, but by the, beside the fact that I'm crying tears streaming down my face, like it's the fucking end of philadelphia rolling around my carpet i'm also angry that this motherfucker's doing this because of how everybody tries to fucking give everything up in hollywood okay and try to fucking you know make it so because also i work hard i go i'm going to open mics every fucking night and this guy just hits

up kermit russell myself so i'm like all right dude pretty i write back as kurt russell pretty Because also, I work hard. I'm going to do an open mic every fucking night. And this guy just hits up Kurt Russell on my system. So I'm like, all right, dude. Pretty, I write back as Kurt Russell, pretty good. But I need to see something else too in my race car movie. I told you it's a race car movie. So I want you to have a big fat mustache like a race car driver would have. I want you to have, I want you to wear a big hat, like a cowboy hat.

And I need to see you after the next monologue. I can't remember what monologue it was that I showed him to do the next one, but I need to see you get shot and die because there's a scene where you have to get shot and die in the race car movie. So the next thing, okay. And then he sends me another audition tape of him reading whatever the fuck it is with fucking a fake big mustache

and a fucking like a formula one hat wasn't a big hat but it was kind of like a i think it was a race car vibe kind of hat and then does the monologue and then it cuts to him next to his doorway and he just goes and pretends he got shot and then falls down and dies dude it was the at that point it was the best thing i had ever done oh man and here's the other thing too i i don't know where the video must live somewhere unless i think his name was mike something in italy but the video was on youtube i think it's gone now i wish i fucking saved it i don't know what link it is but dude if anybody could find the kurt russell audition that this guy did for whatever race car movie i don't think he put in race car in the title but maybe kurt russell's in the title but i think and his name is michael i think he put in race car in the title, but maybe Kurt Russell's in the title. But I think, and his name is Michael.

I think he went by Michael something. Dude, it's the, and it's a few good men. It's the best dude. It's so funny, man. Anyway, that's like that, that MySpace thing, that MySpace story, that was the best dude. Me and my friends would cry laughing at this shit. You remember, right? Dude, it was so funny. Anyway, you guys got to look for it i bet somebody could dig it up if it's still out there one of you babies can dig it up i know the

babies could come out and fucking full force and find the shit if it's still out there if it's i know right now these babies with the fucking cult that we got going strong if if you can't find it it's not out there anymore that's how i know how fucking strong these babies are look we're here in this fucking log cabin my baby we built this shit for you we built this fucking log cabin for you dude you hear me not gonna you can hear that too even if you're not watching the fucking podcast you're you're listening to it that's the fucking log cabin we had 40 men and some women because we're not sexist come in and do this uh uh mott and bow

quality jeans my babies dude they sent me some of these jeans quality jeans, my babies. Dude, they sent me some of these jeans, quality jeans, my babies. They look great. They fit great. And they feel great. They're very cool. They used to cost you hundreds of dollars, those kinds of jeans, right?

Mott & Bough has permanently changed the game with $200 designer jeans for half the price, including introducing mottandBow.com, where you can get the most comfortable premium jeans you will ever wear for half of what you'd pay elsewhere for AG or seven jeans. These are luxury jeans for $100, and you can only get them at MottandBow.com. Most comfortable because they use the best in comfort technology. Dude, this comfort technology, honestly, it's – you got to wear these kinds of things. These clothing brands who use this and you want to be comfortable but also still look stylish, forget it.

You got to do this. It's Dynamic Stretch. Premium because they only source their denim from two of the most well-respected denim mills in the world. These are $200 designer jeans for half the price. Plus their September plus their September savings event means you will save 20% on everything at Mott and bow.com slash congrats. That's M O T T and B O W.com slash congrats congrats that's mott and bow.com slash congrats for 20 off everything

this is their best deal anywhere but it is only for the month of september save 20 during mott and bow's september savings event at mott and bow.com slash congrats. You guys heard me say it once. You heard me say it hundreds of times. The Cash App. You know the Cash App because you're a baby. It's the simplest way to instantly send money to friends. It's also the number one app in finance. The Cash Card is a free customizable debit card

that you can use at stores or ATMs. It's linked to your Cash App balance as if it were a checking account. It even lets you direct deposit your paycheck. If you're looking for an alternative to traditional banking, you're not alone. Millions of Americans have already started using the Cash Card.

There's never been a rewards program like Boosts. Get instant discounts every single time you swipe your Cash Card at coffee shops, Chipotle, Shake Shack, and beyond. Just tap a boost in the app and pay with your cash card. Cash app is also the most convenient and inexpensive way to buy, sell, and withdraw Bitcoin. 20 years ago, something like cash app would have been hard to imagine, and now it's hard to imagine anything else. And of course, when you download the cash app

and enter rewards code congrats, $5 goes to you and $5 goes to Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. Download the Cash app for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. I use it and I use it to send money to everybody. So if you don't have the Cash app, you're not getting money from me. Before we get back into some silliness, I want to talk to you guys about the next elder. We've got a new elder. And this is a different style of elder that we do. But I'm actually proud of this guy.

Crystal and me, I'm proud of this guy. Your cult leader is proud of one of you. And I'm going to make you an elder. You're going to pull them up so I can see. Elder Shane Turtainment. That's an ultimate change at my man. But you know what? Shane Turtainment.

This guy wrote, no diets work. I've tried everything. Need to try something else i remember listening to episode 38 of the congratulations podcast and chris leah had some wise words he simplified everything for me if i wanted to this is a little i don't suggest this this if i wanted to look like him which is not good i look like a fucking bird um i had to stop with diets and adopt his lifestyle he doesn't drink that. That's true. Doesn't do drugs. True. He doesn't drink soda. True. He doesn't eat fast food. True. He eats good and he works out every day. True. For the most part. Simple enough. Simple enough.

Crystal, the voice. Now I did slip up every once in a while. Did I slip up every once in a while? Yes. So do I. So do I, man. Was this more difficult than it sounds? Yeah, it is difficult. Did I get frustrated at times and want to quit? Of course. Yes. Did I stop being a wuss and commit to this eventually? Yes. Did I stop punishing myself for slipping up? Yes. That's good. That's important too. So this may not be for you. It's a free conch. Do what you want. But if you want to get into the log cabin, you got to adopt a hedonistic lifestyle, fellow babies. I'm trying to reserve my seat early. Shout out to Matt D'Elia for making me lose an extra two pounds yesterday. Finding out you asked Brian Callen to open for you made me sweat buckets laughing so hard.

Very cool. So this guy goes from, what does he start at? 250? He kind of documents his journey here uh he gets down to 222 pounds more 250 goes to he lost guy lost over this guy lost like 30 pounds. I'm just, I think that's fucking awesome, man. I think that's great. You know, I mean, he looks like a young guy, but you know, you, you start younger, so you don't have to fucking do it when you're older.

It's harder, first of all. And also if you're too big, you gun die. But this guy, Shane entertainment entertainment that's just fucking awesome man that put a smile on my face man it made me it made me happy that this guy did it and i don't even think like you know i was like oh yeah you know i'm sure he's fucking slightly joking about how you know i inspired him but it's just cool that he fucking did it and i'm we're making him an elder dude he's the new elder so um shout him out congratulations all the babies go tell him congratulations and uh hit us up we're gonna

we're gonna dm you on you on instagram and we're gonna send you your pin and certificate that's really great that you were able to lose that much weight that's really fucking hard to do um and uh good on you man uh do we have some questions and stuff? Or what do you want to do here? My buddies, this is how much I know. This is how much I know. This is how happy I am. This is how me I am and how much my people my friends know how me i am uh

uh i i am so me and like the things that i like and don't like the things I don't like that I found out once after a year of it going on that my closest friends had a game night. Did I talk about this on the podcast? I think I did, actually. I'm bringing it up again. And they never invited me. They were talking about game night and I was like, what the fuck? And I was like, you guys have game night? And they were like, yeah. And I was like, why have you never invited me? And they were like, because we know you wouldn't want to go. That to me, that's some dope shit, man.

You didn't invite me to game night for a year because you know me? Thank you. Thank you, friends. because you know me thank you thank you friends uh okay this is for from june tile at one take, Nate. How dumb do people look when they talk into their phone to text? I guess you do kind of look dumb, but also what else are you going to do? I feel like that's a good thing to do very quickly and shit like that. I don't know if that's even a fucking good question.

I mean, I guess they kind of look dumb. The problem is you can look very bitch when you do it. Like, you can be like this if you're in the video pocket. You're talking to people. Bitch-ass motherfuckers talk it like this. They're just like this. They're like, yeah, okay, I'll be there. Order the pizza.

You know what I mean? And you look like a fucking bitch. But that's really the only thing. But if you're going to do it, you got to do it like a man. You know what I mean and you look like a fucking bitch um but that's really the only thing but you're gonna do you gotta do it like you gotta do it like a man you know i mean like just boop remember this shit the two-way shit that people used to have all the time and they'd be like hey what's up i'm coming just call each other get walkie talkies i always saw fucking black people doing that dude they loved that shit they just went yo i'd see a black dude with like a denim jacket and denim jeans on doing it all the time yo i'd see a black dude with like a denim jacket and denim jeans on doing it all the time yo what's up i'll be there in a second i never saw a white

guy do that i wonder if it's a fucking that's a very odd thing i used it once and i was like i don't get it nope garrett at eldo. Oh, I mean, change it. What are your thoughts on those Twitter accounts that beg for money once they have a viral tweet? Oh, haven't I talked about that? Yeah, I did. I talked about it on the fucking, I mean, I didn't talk about this specifically, but I talked about it a little bit on the, I think it was like an episode or two ago where it's like the thing goes viral and it's like, oh, buy my hair products. Or listen to my SoundCloud. was violent it's like oh let's buy my hair products or buy my listen to my soundcloud dude it's like dude you stop trying to fucking get the most you know stop trying to fucking

oh dude i'm famous now cool uh let me see if i can make 25 cents on some on some code don't yeah or how about when people send you those mass texts where it's like hey free shit type in promo code if you download the app fuck you no you're gonna add me by the way you're not gonna text me back and then also send me a fucking thing from like whatever bullshit here's a stupid fucking question from jake at Jake beam pancakes or waffles. Hey, that's what you sat around and thought about both. Hey, how about both? Cause they're filled with sugar. Both now, both pancakes or waffles now, both. I usually don't do this till I'm drunk or I'm high. Eating pancakes or waffles?

Now I'm both. Both. They're both amazing. So a lot of places can't do pancakes right though. A lot of diners are just like, they just don't do pancakes right. I think the safer bet in a diner is waffles. But if you're going to make them, make pancakes. Because let me tell you something right now.

You don't know how to make waffles. All right? And if you have one of those fucking waffle makers, you're a fucking, you're a fuck boy. You know? You're a real fuck boy. If you have a waffle maker, now, if you have a waffle maker now if you have a waffle maker and you have kids okay cool fine it's fun thing to do with the kids if you're just like some single dude with a waffle maker you're a fuck boy dude you you you're you you fuck girls and you don't

call them back and you're like you think you're the shit but really like you're just too stocky you know and like you suck and you have like you think it's cool to wear like a ring on your pinky and like maybe you have like a fucking bitch ass i don't say goatee i say you have a pussy chin goatees dude you got a fucking goatee bro you have a goatee If you have a goatee and a waffle maker, you know, everybody's out there. You know there's a guy with a goatee and a waffle maker. Yo, that guy, honestly, he deserves to fucking sleep in a twin bed for the rest of his life. That's the fucking worst.

You never deserve a bed bigger than a twin bed, you fuck boy. If you have a goatee and a waffle maker i don't give a shit what else you have you give to charity you can cure cancer you deserve to sleep in a twin bed for the rest of your life and i hope you only live to be fucking 48 because you're a fucking bitch now put that on fucking instagram congratulations pod clips is such a fucking hoe i love it hey how do you hey that's this how do we not what's it with all this movement the me too movement and the fucking movement where women are finally like hey this is a problem the way we're treated how does hip-hop still get away with yeah come on i had

this bitch suck my dick you're a fucking hoe how how does it people don't give a fuck about hip-hop man when it comes to that kind of shit they don't give a fuck about hip-hop and athletes dude you could literally raise dogs and slice their fucking balls and cut their throats and just straight up as long as you score touchdowns. Doesn't matter. Sports and hip hop is like, dude, you could you could literally put out a viral video of you smacking a girl. If you come up with some fucking jingle ass hits and go platinum does math how come nobody's trying to hold these fucking rappers accountable for shit dude for shit i swear to god j cole could rob a bank and they could just be like yeah yeah, but you know, the bank should have been fucking this.

And. If here's Octavio gone, Gonzalez at OCT underscore guns. Cool. If you had to choose one pair of sneakers to wear for the rest of your life, what would you choose? Shit, man. You asked me a year ago, I would have said Jordans, but now when I put Jordans on, I've been wearing like low tops and Adidas so much that now if you, sometimes Jordans, they're like too tight and high, you know what I mean, I don't know,

I don't know, one for the rest of your life, like if I had to wear them with suits too, No. One for the rest of your life? Like if I had to wear them with suits too? I don't know, man. Maybe I would just get those fucking web shoes. Those fucking asshole shoes. That people wear with the toe shoes. That you see Rogan wear sometimes.

Fucking Joe Rogan rocking those fucking finger-toed shoes. Sasso wears them. You know? Sasso's got them too. Fingertooth shoes. Sasso wears them. You know, Sasso's got them too. Love those guys.

But yeah, they got those toe shoes. Saw a guy wearing those at this fucking gym class I did the other day. I did a gym class. Dude, your boy's fit as shit, by the way. I did a gym class. I'm not sore at all. I did it and fucking killed it, and I'm not sore at all, dude. My shoulders are a little bit sore because I did a lot of reverse flies, but dude, he's got them teardrops. What the fuck?

Dude, what the fuck? Hey, guys, are my hip bones crying because i've got those fucking quad teardrops hey careful knees you don't want to get wet are my hips crying because i can do squats for days. Dude, my legs are so skinny. But I'm getting those fucking teardrops above my knees. Hey, dude, there's fucking Johnny Hips Cry. That's what they're going to call me from now on.

Johnny Hips Cry. I'm fucking talk about change it. That's going to be my fucking name on twitter and instagram johnny hips cry j-o-h-h-n-y hips cry dude dude you know why they call me johnny hips cry wow that's that's the dumbest thing i've ever fucking said johnny hips cry dude it's such a fucking hoe when the first time they asked what's the fucking johnny hips cry you're such a fucking hoe when the first time they asked you you want sparkling yep are you trying to act like you're drinking leave this part out of the song though Just say this to your friend and then rap There you go

Johnny Hips Cry Johnny Hips Cry Johnny Hips Cry Dude I'm 38 you know I should have a family I should have a family but I don't have a family Cause I don't wanna have a family yet Wasn't sure now I'm changing my mind

I kinda maybe would want a family someday But I didn't want a have a family yet. Wasn't sure. Now I'm changing my mind. I kind of maybe would want a family someday. But I didn't want a family for my whole 30s. But that's because I always saw people complaining about the family. Then they come back around and they say. Then they come back around and they say. But it's the best thing ever. But I'm so tired all the time. And my son shits everywhere.

My son shits everywhere my son shits everywhere gotta clean his ass hate it so much always crying but it doesn't matter because he's the light of my life now how the fuck does that make any sense i'm a good freestyle dude i'm a good freestyler because i i hate rappers rhyme dude, bro? Talk about real issues, dude. Used to want, yeah. Was married like 12 years ago. Did want kids, but didn't really think about it. But now I've realized that I do.

After that, I didn't want kids. I didn't want kids for about 10 years because I would always see my friends with kids so tired. And I didn't want to be that tired. Plus, I love that hedonistic lifestyle. Always did what I want. Got suck when I want. Got coffee when I want. Got everything.

Went to write it if I wanted to. Didn't have to text anyone. I'm still out. Now, I kind of maybe want kids. Because I'm 38. And I'm getting older. I don't want to die alone. Don't want to die alone.

Don't want to die alone. Dude, that. If a rapper went on the breakfast club and did a freestyle like that guess what you got a fan for life dude anyway dude i'm fucking getting out of here it's been over an hour what the fuck do you want from me dude i can't wait to get this fucking log cabin going and get you motherfuckers who choose to come because freak conch and we're just chilling getting fucked and sucked doing the hedonistic lifestyle and putting it to the test in the meantime come out and see

me on the follow the leader tour we fucking love you and by we i mean me and me me and johnny hips cry chris d'alia aka johnny hips, fucking loves you motherfuckers. Follow the leader tour, chrisd'elia.com. There's fucking, what do you want from me? There's merch, wear it, support the fucking PCAST. I'm coming to fucking, I'm coming to Canada. I'm playing Carnegie Hall. I'm going to a place called Snoqualmie, Washington. For some reason, probably bags.

Why am I going to Snoqualmie? Probably because of bags. Miami, Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, San Antonio, YouTube channel. I'm telling you, you're going to want to check out this episode on YouTube because we've got a whole new digs here. We've got a whole new digs. That'll go up either tomorrow or probably tomorrow. Man on Fire, watch that. Incorrigible.

White Male Black Comic. White Male Black Comic. Watch that. And that's what's up, dude. My babies, you guys rock. Thank you for listening. This is fucking Johnny Hipschreis signing off. Thank you.