Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 86. Get Gully

Episode Date: September 17, 2018

It's the 86th episode! On today's show, it's story time! Chris tells a story about his friend after 9/11, a filthy story about hiking in Runyon Canyon and a couple of his favorite stories from the Comedy Store. Also discussed: Tekashi 6ix9ine, being a DJ, Sticky Fingaz, and spiders, plus Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply this episode of congratulations is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone. Featured upcoming meals include crispy chicken tenders and mashed potatoes, pasta, and creamy tomato sauce. So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats. That's blueapron.com slash congrats to get your first three meals free. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. This episode of congratulations is also brought to you by

the Cash App. You know the Cash App because you're a baby and you get it. It's the simplest way to instantly send money to friends. It's also the number one app in finance. If you don't know, now you know. But it didn't get there on payments alone. These days, Cash App is changing how people interact with their money. It's adding features you can only get from a bank and more than a few that you can't, like the Cash Card, Boosts, and Bitcoin.

Download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. What's up? What's up, my babies? Dude, it's me. It's me, the cult leader, Chris D'Elia. And we're here with episode 86 on Congratulations. Did we ever think we'd get to 86? We had an inkling, but we weren't sure. Now, I'm here live on my app. I'm going to be on my app for a little bit. Now, here's the deal, dude. I got these...

Look what daddy's wearing dude the grand slam t and i gotta tell you it's a size too small but it's the one i got and it's the one i'm gonna wear and we're we're re-upping on those in the merch store like you know any day now so when you see this oh you want to serve fucking fresh piping hot Grand Slams, then you go and you get this fucking dude. I've been seeing people with these shirts that come out. I saw four people come out the other day in these shirts to my show. And the scheduling conflict couldn't go.

I feel really bad. But I never cancel. I hate canceling shows, dude. I fucking hate it. I un-fucking-ate it. But I don't ever do it. I've done it a few times. And it always makes me feel really bad.

But I'm here now for you, babies. Okay? I don't cancel the podcast. We've gone 86 fucking weeks in a row. What the fuck? Now, did one fire get me a shirt that's way too small? Yeah. Does it show off my fucking muscles?

Yeah. And is that okay? Yeah. Dude, it's like, you know, you got to sometimes see the fucking striations and you got to sometimes see the fucking cuts, dude. If you don't see the cuts, what are we doing it for? Now, I'm not doing it. I'm not the kind of

guy that's like yeah i fucking work out well i do work out for me but a lot of people are like i work out for me you know and you're like no you don't then why do you have lip injections why do you have fucking a fake butt but for guys we don't get fake butts and normally we don't get lip injections but there are a few guys at my gym who do have lip injections. Now that is very weird to me, but it's all good. There was this guy at the gym the other day that was, um, um, I was watching the guy, this guy work out like in a non creep way, you know, but I was watching him work out and I was like, uh, I was like, uh, oh yeah, he's working out his, I was like, oh, yeah, he's working out only his leg and his legs and his trunk.

And he was fucking doing like steps up on the thing, holding the big bar and fucking lunging up and then only lunges and then working out his ass. And he was doing it hard. And I was like, dude, that guy's fucking rad. He was killing it. And he was doing it and he was like, he wouldn't say the full number. He would just be like, and when he got to seven, he would go like, come on, dude, just say the whole number. If you're going to do two syllables with it, you know? And, uh, and I was like, damn dude, why is he only working out his fucking legs and trunk

and then when he would walk away from the the weights he had the most fucking sashay ass move movement and i was like oh he's gay that's why because gay guys i didn't realize that gay guys probably work out their fucking trunk and legs like ladies dude because it's all about that, what do you call it? The aesthetics, you know? It's all about the aesthetics. Now I'm a guy. And personally, I'm attracted to girls. And so it doesn't really matter what you look like as a guy, which is kind of weird.

You got to look a little bit presentable. You got to have some cuts and some striations maybe. But it's okay if you have a little bit of a dad bod. Because girls love fucking Leonardo DiCaprio. And I don't ever really know him to be fucking fit as shit. Maybe it's because he's rich as shit and real talented and not because of his body, right? I don't know. All I know is I've never sent a dick pic in my life.

In my whole life, I've never sent a dick pic. Never once sent a dick pic in my life in my whole life i never sent a dick pic never once sent a dick pic in my life and one time i heard an actress was bragging that i sent her a dick pic and uh somebody said to me hey man you sent a girl a dick pic she said you were sending dick pics and shit like with each other you were sexting and sending like tits and dick pics and shit she sent me and i was like dude i don't even know that girl dude the amount of shit i hear about about me is are is so insane i'm like what who is that even know who it was i had to look her up and uh i mean she was hot and stuff but i was like i never even

met her in my life i was like are you sure she was talking about me? He said, yeah, man. He was saying you. Is it the comedian? He said, yeah. I was like, all right. I was like, there's another Chris D'Elia that has a fucking something to do with a university over in D.C. or something. And he's 57.

You fucking, was it him? Like, nope. Anyway. That's what's up, dude. Lots of lies out there. you know what I mean? Lots of lies out there, man. If a girl ever asked me for a dick pic, I'd be like, no, but I'll draw it. I'll draw it to size, and I would secretly draw it a little bit more veiny.

Just so when she saw it eventually, she'd be like, oh, okay. It's not as veiny as I thought it was. She'd be like, oh, okay. It's not as vain as I thought it was. If you're watching the fucking, by the way, the new renovations has been going great, man. We got a lot of hits on the YouTube shits. And we got a new fucking design up here. We don't have a new design, but we have a new thing that we hung up.

And it's a fucking cuda. To remind you motherfuckers where you came from, dude. We got a cuda hanging up on the right side of my head. And it's probably left side for you if you're looking, right? Yeah. Yeah, it would be the left side. So it's on the right side of my head. And it's probably left side for you if you're looking, right? Yeah. Yeah, it would be the left side. So it's on the right side of my head. And before you fucking bitch-ass trolls are like, oh, hello, it's on the left side. No, it's not, dude.

No, it's not. It's actually on the right side. Because if you think about sitting in this chair. Now, we fucking got you, dude, didn't we? You thought it was the left side, but it's the right side, dude. It's the fucking right side, dude. This cuda on the right side. The cuda's on the right side, dude.

And this is to remind you motherfuckers where you came from, dude. This is how it is. Full circle. There's a cuda on the right. And we got the congratulations fucking cult sign right here. By some girl named Catherine, I think it's on the back of it. Then she put her name and I didn't fucking look this past week, even though I said I would, so I could shout her out. But I think her name's Catherine. And dude, this is it. Full circle.

Imagine a full circle going out like that. A full circle where we got the cuda on the right, and then all the way over to the left, you see the fucking shit. You see the other side of it, but it's a full circle, man. And we're all up there or down here and i'll tell you what dude this shirt's too goddamn small and i'll tell you what even more it's too hot in here and it's a gray shirt and it's going to show my fucking beads of sweat dripping down my fucking black diamond it's going to show it under the fucking armpits i don't know man i what i do know is I've been fucking... Every time... I follow Worldstar. After they posted my Eminem video, I was like, oh, that's cool.

I started following them. And Worldstar... First of all, Worldstar posts 900 times a day, which is fine because I guess they want it. They want the content. These people are following. They got 20 million followers. But also besides that, dude, I post on – every time they post so much about Takashi69, that guy. And every time I – every time I – they post about Takashi69, I fucking say – I talk about – I say, man, that – I always write, man, that chick is beautiful. I always write like, God, she's really looking good lately.

Like, she took her, like, every, I'll write, I write, like, oh, man, because she got her teeth out, she got her rainbow teeth out, and I was like, oh, man, she looks good still, but I got to say she looks good both ways, but she looks really sexy with, like, the rainbow look, you know? And, dude, the people who you know and and dude the people who fucking light me up in the comments is hilarious first of all for some reason this is the number one comment i get exactly this you gay just the you and then gay which is and then some people are like dude my man that's a guy not a girl

oh yeah dude oh yeah he had a shirt his shirt off at the concert and they were posting a video of his shirt off at the concert and i was like man it's so it's so crazy that she's i forget what i put something so she's so crazy She's performing shirtless. And people just under that, you gay. You gay. This world is just amazing. To see that comment and then to write, you gay. Like they're alerting me to something. First of all, not knowing that I'm making a joke.

Second of all, not knowing, not thinking like, wow, this guy thinks a girl would just perform shirtless. Anyway, she's a fucking beautiful girl. Tekashi69 is a beautiful girl. Like straight up. I'll tell you what, man. That girl's sexy. He's got long, beautiful rainbow hair. And she's got a really great sex appeal too. And she's got 69 all over her body. So you know she's down, dude. You know she's down to put her fucking face where your you know is. And you know she's down.

I bet she's a good dancer. But I will say, though, it's hilarious to get those you gay comments. What the fuck is... All right, here we go. People on the internet are insane. And we know this. And that's not a premise that is new, but we know that. But anyway, you gay. Um, I was, I ran a, I ran four miles the other day.

All right. Now that's cool. Now, every time, sometimes I post that on Instagram on my story and I'll, I'll just put like how many, like, uh many like my like miles I ran or like calories I burned or whatever and I'll post that on my story and then first of all people will be like oh man you talk shit about this in your last special which is so wrong and I didn't uh all I did what I was making fun of are the people who are super inspirational on on on Instagram.

And me posting a picture of that is not that. But people love to fucking be like, oh, the park hall in the Kittle Black, you know? Anyway, I did that. And then I was like, so I can run like a fucking, like straight shot. Like I can keep that under a nine-minute mile if I'm doing fucking four miles, right? like i can keep that under nine minute under a nine minute mile if i'm doing fucking four miles right and then i was like how what can i do how can i run like what's the fastest i could run a mile and i it's around eight minutes like i do an eight i can do an eight minute mile okay and then i was like what's the fastest mile ever ran and it's recorded and it's three minutes and 43 seconds okay

so i was like how fast is that like when you're doing it you know because when you watch the guy do it you're like okay these guys are probably who knows how tall they are but they're so lanky and it just looks like they're just jogging right so i was like i was like i looked it up and then i fucking tried to hit it on the treadmill hey man i can't even get to that fast dude these guys can do it for a mile i can't even top speed it there. I can go, people are like, there was a thing on, I was like, what is like a really good fast mile that you can try and do? And it's like a five minute mile. That's fucking too fast.

You're sprinting the whole time. And I got news for you i'm not kenyan i'm a fucking white guy from new jersey that's so fast a five minute mile and i was like i was like what kind of mile like what kind of fast, like how fast is that? And I did it. And by the way, when I run, when I do my four miles, I do sprints too, and then I slow it down. And then I do a sprint, and then I slow it down. By the end of the fourth mile, my back and my abs were like, oh, God, okay, we got to stop. It's not your legs, dude.

My legs could keep going. When I was done, I was like, dude, good thing I stopped. My back would have gave the fuck out, dude. Three minutes and 43 seconds? That's insane. By the way, if I started running, like, we know humans can run for miles and miles. Or for, you know, for miles. If I was the first human and I ran four miles, I would be like, hey, everybody, just so you know, that's as much as you can run as a human.

It's bad for the body if you go any longer than that. And everyone would be like, oh, okay. So all I'm saying is good thing I'm not the fucking first human, man. I would have fucking, we would have been a bunch of fat, lazy pieces of shits. I would have been like, hey, four miles, that's it. Top speed, five minute mile. You can go about, you know, that's it. Any faster than that that your knees blow

open and your back gives out and you die you die if you go faster than that and kenyans would be like what are you talking about we would have met a bunch of kenyans and it would be like what the fuck you're talking about and be like yeah oh you guys are gonna die early and then they just keep running and they never stop but that's fucking i've been doing that i've been going on these hikes too to try and fucking split it up you know and not just do these not just do the running because you know you gotta fucking you know stay healthy a bunch of different ways and also if you work out other muscles then you get going and the running will be easier and i do hikes and i dude it is there is this fucking trail we do that's just so

hard and i know sometimes i do this the runyon trail and people are like nice dude la oh dude it's hard i don't give a fuck when you say it's not hard you're doing one of those fucking things that people do where it's like you're just saying shit where you're like just saying shit to sound cool we're like oh pineapple doesn't belong on pizza. Or fucking, you know. It's so hard. It's hard and I did it. And this is how hard it is as a matter of fact. Last time, not last time, but one of the other hikes I did recently.

I fucking woke up real nice, good early for me. It was about, you know, 9.45 a.m. That's real nice and early for me. Just when you know 9 45 a.m that's real nice and early for me just when the sun's peeking out over the horizon 9 45 a.m and i uh and i got up i didn't take a shower because i was gonna sweat my balls off doing a hike and it was hot as shit put on my shirt put on my pants put on my fucking gear that i got from by way, let me give this company a shout out. It makes great workout gear. Um, ASRV, a ASRV. Is that what it is? ASRV. Yep. They make the fucking best shit. I got my workout gear on from ASRV. I put my ASRV shorts on my ASRV ASRV shirt on. And IRV shirt on, and I went down to the fucking coffee bean. I got an ice black Americano, sucked that down, didn't put anything in my belly, and I went on the hike, and it was tough, and I almost had to use my hands. That's how hard the hike is, okay?

And I was with my buddy Dan Dan and with my buddy, Mark, and I almost got to the top. And when I almost got to the top, my tummy went, and I thought, huh, that's interesting. Didn't need anything. Just suck down some coffee. Oh, by the way, I already went number two before the hike in my bathroom at home. Okay. As I'm running up almost to the top, I say to Dan and Mark, Hey man, it's a good thing. I went number two already because when I get up to the, because, because I, if I didn't, I would have for sure had to go on this hike. Tummy responds by going again. Okay. Get all the way up to the top of the hat. Oh, I went also with my buddy, Kevin Durant, not Kevin Durant, the basketball player,

the actor. That's fucking really good. Oh no, Dan wasn't there. It was Kevin and Mark. Anyway, it doesn't matter. He's my buddy. Kevin's on the, uh, the, the, the, the strain. And, uh, so get all the way to the top. My stomach is going. and so we get all the way to the top. My stomach is going, and I'm like, oh, what the fuck, dude? I know I don't have to go number two because I just went. So then we start to go downhill,

and I say, you guys, guess what? Think I got to fucking go number two here on this hike on the way down, and Kevin's like, really? And Mark's like, are you sure? Oh, seriously? Because he always says that because he's Irish. And that's all he says.

Oh, seriously? And I walked down a few more steps. And I said, what? Guys, there's no stopping this. There's no way. There was no private area. So I pulled down my pants. And I went in number two right on that hike.

And felt great immediately afterwards. It was probably like a four second. It all just came out. I went. And then I took my ASRV shirt and that had to be how I cleaned up. So ASRV, I really loved that shirt. I wish I fucking still had it, but I don't. And then guess what? Went hiking again. The next day shirt was still there. There's nothing I can do about that. And I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for everyone that runs by and sees a fucking shitty ASRV shirt. But what am I going to do? Dude, that's nature, baby. and sees a fucking shitty ASRV shirt. But what am I going to do?

Dude, that's nature, baby. That's fucking, that's humans in their natural habitat, my babies. That's it. That's how you remember that hike. By the way, I haven't talked to Kevin. That was our, oh, we got to catch up hike. I hadn't fucking seen him in fucking years. I was like, yeah, let's catch up.

Cool, you want to do running? Yeah, I'm going to be in fucking LA. Cool, cool, let, let's catch up. Cool, you want to do running? Yeah, I'm going to be in fucking LA. Cool, cool, let's hike up the hill. Oh, cool. Excuse me one second. Let me just... Let me take my shirt off and just... There we go. Let me grab one end

and fucking with one fist in front of my balls, one end with one fist behind my balls and clean my taint like a fucking... like a jock portrayed in the 1980s show. Oh, so anyway, oh, cool.

That was cool. You were on the strain for three years and were able to buy a house because of it. And fucking white wiped, wiped. I cleaned up with my fucking Free ASRV shirt So by the way I have a bunch of ASRV clothing still And I'm going to wear that I love that fucking company

And thank you for helping me too Because you helped me And thank God I was wearing a black shirt too Not a white one Anyway if you're a tourist in LA And you're a fucking fan of mine Go fucking snap a photo of that It's probably not there anymore

What a fucking awful awful i felt good afterwards though i was like you know what i'm close to nature this is how it is and i fucking and then when we said bye it was like see i was like bro i probably shouldn't touch it but we should get out you know see you later then drove home and took a fucking great shower. And that's my story. Oh, it's fucking, that was the only time I ever did that, by the way, outside. Ever.

That was the only time I ever went number two outside. And that's weird. We should all do that. Everyone should have to do that. You know, my buddy Kevin, he's like, oh, I grew up in the fucking woods in Canada. He's like, bro, sometimes you just,

that's where you go. You know, I was like, wow, that's fucking amazing. My, and then Sasso told me, will Sasso.

I told him the story and he was like, that's what, I don't know if he was joking or not. I feel like he wasn't because this is so something you would do. It's like, that's why I always wear cargo shorts when I fucking hike. And I also bring a knife. So if I ever have to run into that problem, I just cut off one of the pockets and wipe my ass that way.

I was like, who are you, fucking dump MacGyver? Hey, who are you, fucking bowel movement MacGyver? Brings a knife? Hey, dude, I'm going to bring a knife on the hike. Oh, how come? come case i need to shit some backwards doesn't make any sense why what are you gonna do stab your asshole after you shit no cut off one of my cargo pockets cool man hey you're weird as fuck all right cool catch you later yeah dude and then i went and i took a shower and i went home and then i went to go get another

coffee because that's how i do i drink ice americanos all fucking day long dude and you can't tell me nothing dude la dude i drink ice americanos all day and you can't tell me nothing that's to me what that fucking kanye song is about. Can't tell me nothing. So I went to get another coffee. This is actually a fucking crazy day. So I went to go get the coffee, and I sat down, and I went to – I sat down. First of all, all i walked into did i talk about hold on no okay so i i went to the fucking coffee bean or no that coffee in a different coffee shop and i drank coffee and i was sitting there and all of a sudden i saw this big ass bodyguard

and i was like what the fuck and this paparazzi and then all and not you know outside and I walked in the coffee shop and fucking Angelina Jolie was there and I was like how hilarious is it that she's in a coffee shop getting a coffee with her kids and there's a guy who just fucking shit on a hike with her in there. You know what I mean? Like as elegant as Angelina Jolie is and as elegant as she, she's the most elegant lady in the world and one of the most beautiful women in the world. And just like the way she was walking through looking at the trinkets at the coffee shop too.

I was just like, Oh cool. She moves in slow motion. And here I am. Oh, by the way, Hey, Hey Angelina,

by the way, I just took a shit on the, took a shit at Runyon outside. And we made eye contact for a second. And by the way, this is how I don't fucking, you know, I live in Hollywood. I live in L.A. I run into people all the time. I work with them all the time, like famous people. Dude, I made eye contact with her.

I almost passed out and I was sitting down. That's how elegant and cool and her whole fucking thing is. Dude, it's so funny. Then I was driving on my home. I was just thinking how funny it was that I went on a hike, and my fucking buddy from the strain had to keep an eye out for me while i while i fucking went number two near a bush on a fucking highly populated hike in hollywood california and then i and and then i went and then angelina jolie was there and she was had to be the fact that she had to be in a coffee shop with a guy that just fucking took a number two on a hike. It just really brought her down a notch. You know

what I mean? And she doesn't know, but that's who she is now. She's the girl who has to be in a coffee shop with a guy who just took a shit on a hike outside. Sorry. What am I going to say? You used to be the queen of Hollywood. You're not anymore because of that day. I ruined you. And I'm sorry.

But, you know, that's the way the cookie crumbles, man. Every now and then you just get, you got it. There's a, you know, there's a new Angelina Jolie. I don't know who it is now yet, but I can't wait to fucking shit on a hike again and have to go see the new one. Just bringing,

bringing everybody down. I'll do the, I don't know. Hey guys, I'm going to talk to you a little bit about me undies. I'll do the arrows now. Hey, guys. I want to talk to you a little bit about me undies. You've heard me talk about me undies a million times, but why am I actually so obsessed with them? It's as simple as this.

When I wake up in the morning all groggy, I actually get excited to go to my underwear drawer and pick out which undies I want to wear for the day. And I do do that. I did that this morning. I was like, oh, I'll wear the turquoise blue ones. And I got them on right now, as you can see if you're looking at the video podcast. And I like them because they're so comfortable. Because they

use this thing called, they use a micromoto fabric, which is a full three times softer than regular cotton. You honestly have to try them on to believe it. I know it sounds like I'm being silly, but it's really true. It's unbelievable how comfortable they are. I couldn't believe how soft these things were. It's exact fabric you want down there in that area. And they have 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you don't love them, which you will, send them back for a full refund. And members gain access to exclusive prints that no one else can get.

It's very cool. I have a few of them. They get special member pricing on every product MeUndies makes. And switch up your styles or skip any month you want. To get your 15% off your first pair, free shipping, and 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to MeUndies.com slash congrats. That's MeUndies.com slash congrats. Blue Apron.

Blue Apron delivers farm-fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes to your door. I eat Blue Apron a few times a week, and every time I do, I feel good about myself. They give you enough that keeps you full. They give you enough that keeps you full. And, you know, I feel like it doesn't – sometimes you eat food and you're like, oh, why did I eat that? I feel bad. This is like really good food that makes you feel good about eating it. You choose chef-designed recipes.

They deliver fresh, seasonally-insp, uh, and you cook incredible meals in as little as 20 minutes. It takes no time. Uh, dinner is in as little as 20 minutes. Uh, let blue apron do the meal prep for you. Making back to school easier than ever. 20 minutes, uh, quick and easy recipe options with insanely delicious flavors. I'm telling you, I've never had a bad meal.

I'm telling you, I've done this for months. I've never had a bad meal from I'm telling you, I've done this for months. I've never had a bad meal from Blue Apron. It's all really great. Whether you're looking for a quick and easy meal or for full culinary cooking experience with your family even, Blue Apron lets you choose from a range of recipe options. So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats.

That's blueapron.com slash congrats to get your first three meals free. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Square Cash, the cash app. You know the cash app. It's the simplest way to instantly send money to friends. It's also the number one app in finance. The cash card is free, customizable debit card that you can use at stores or ATMs. It's linked to your cash app balance as if it were a checking account.

It even lets you direct deposit your paycheck. You're looking for an alternative to traditional banking, you're not alone. Millions of Americans have already started using the Cash Card. Cash App is also the most convenient and inexpensive way to buy, sell, and withdraw Bitcoin. If you're feeling trendy, get into that Bitcoin thing, man,

and use Cash App. 20 years ago, something like Cash App would have been hard to imagine, and now it's hard to imagine anything else. So there's never been a rewards program like Boosts. Get instant discounts every single time you swipe your cash card at coffee shops, Chipotle, Shake Shack, and beyond. Just tap a boost in the app and pay with your cash card. Of course, when you download the Cash App and enter rewards code, congrats, $5 goes to you and $5 goes to Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. Download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market.

This internet, dude, it's still not coming up. We got to fix it, dude. One fire. No, it doesn't work. He's like, it works for me. I'm putting up, pulling up, trying to pull up. You can't tell me nothing for fucking 10 minutes now. All I want to do is fucking

and talk about how I get ice Americanos. Dude, I love that you guys are chilling with me, man, listening to me. Bullshit. It really makes my day. And you guys are true babies. You really you really are true babies and my internet doesn't work and one fire is my enemy right now but you guys are fucking my true babies and sometimes

you're closer to me than fucking than one fire is and i've known him uh i did uh i so i did uh I did a So I did a I went to go visit So I was in I did a show with my Irish buddy at the Laugh Factory I do shows with him sometimes On Friday at the Laugh Factory

When I'm in town He also DJs At this place called The Den In Hollywood It's a cool place When I'm in town. He also DJs. Okay. At this place called. The Den. In Hollywood. It's a cool place. It would probably be cooler if I was a frat guy.

It would probably be cooler if I said stuff like. Oh classic. Or talked about how good fucking guacamole was. You know what I'm talking about. Probably be a lot cooler. If I had a black light. And tried to lure girls into my room by saying, Hey, have you ever seen a black light? But I don't go out a lot, but my buddy was DJing and I was going to go pick him up because we were going to go eat afterwards. And it was like 1 15 AM. And I got to the, uh,

place and I walked quickly through the crowd. So nobody would fucking stop me and be like, Whoa, dude. And I walked in, I went into the booth with him, which is closed off. And we were laughing because first of all, I was out. And second of all, he's a DJ. And it's funny to me. Because I don't know why he's good at being a DJ. And why he even knows how to do all that shit. Because he's a comedian.

All right? But you know what? You get paid where you fucking get paid. Right? You're just trying to fucking. He's just trying to eat like the rest of us so so we're doing it and i'm standing there and people are like coming up to me like to what are you doing here you know you take can i take a picture stuff like that hey man i'm a big fan oh really thanks No seriously Oh cool Oh yeah no but for real though

Because when I started listening to you Oh yeah? Yeah so I just want to let you know Like I really am a big fan Hey man I believe you Stop saying that Okay

So Between that And between people coming up to him And saying Hey man Can you play this song? Can you play that song? And trying to put their – this guy kept putting the drink on the table.

And my buddy Mark was like, hey, man, you can't put that on there. You have to have it away from the equipment. And he'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's all he said. And he wouldn't do it. And my buddy was like, dude, he was like pushing the pushing the drink he's like you have to keep it off and the guy would go no no no no no no no and just keep the drink over the equipment and we were laughing so hard at what a fucking dunce this asshole was um because he recognized me too and he was like trying to say something about like man

you're funny or something and uh we were laughing so hard and then mark was telling me about these times where like one time this girl was like can you play this song again and he was like no i just played it and she goes and spilled her drink on his equipment now let me tell you something man you guys know me if you listen to this podcast i've done the fucking thing where i was an open micer for a long time and you get treated like shit and you know you get treated like shit in the beginning of any kind of profession whatever you're doing okay if I was a DJ if I right now I've been doing stand-up almost for 12 years, okay? If I was a DJ for as long as I have been a comedian, I would have already killed someone. And I mean that.

I would have fucking killed someone. The way people treat a DJ coming up, dude, I would have been in I don't know how many fights, and I would have killed someone. I actually think I would be in jail right now for killing someone who came up to the DJ booth. I'm not talking about chain smokers shit. I'm not talking about Diplo. I'm not talking about Marshmello or fucking whatever kind of a mouse head, whatever the fuck mouse head guy is.

Dead mouse. Dead mouse five. Six lack. But I would have, I would have, it would have been the kind of snap too where a guy would have been like, hey man, and put his drink. It would have been the drink thing. That would have drummed. Hey man, you got to keep the drink off the thing. Oh, okay. You know, I can't lean on the kind of snap, too, where a guy would have been like, hey, man, and put his drink. It would have been the drink thing. That would have drummed. Hey, man, you got to keep the drink off the thing. Oh, okay.

You can't lean on the tip. Oh, okay. Baby, can't lean. You're leaning on the thing. Okay. This is how it would have snapped. Okay, dude. One second.

Let me play a real long song. I'm playing that fucking meatloaf song. I will do anything for love, but I won't do that. That's like a 12-minute goddamn song. Or I'd play November rain from guns and roses. Cause it's 11 minutes too long. And I would step out of the DJ booth, put my fucking Dukes up like,

like, like a fighting Irish. And I would fucking, I mean, I would fight that guy. Mark my words till one of us was dead. And if I was dead, cool. I don't have to deal with those bullshit motherfuckers dead. And if I was dead, cool. I don't have to deal with those bullshit motherfuckers anymore.

But if he was dead, I'd have to go to prison. And people would be like, what are you in here for? And I would be like, well, I'm a DJ. And too many people were coming up to the booth. And I killed somebody because of it. That's what would have happened, dude. killed somebody because of it that's what would have happened dude i can't believe the fucking shit uh dude we were laughing so hard because mark was saying that people like multiple times have come up and like just been like filming him and like giving him the finger dude imagine that

imagine people just coming up doing that how dude i would have i would grab the phone and i would stick it in my asshole and then i'd give it back to you there you go make a shitty call dude i i i if somebody imagine this is something you see on the video podcast but he was like they were they would come up and put him on like his story like this and be and just like the disrespect that humans have is unbelievable dude it's unbelievable man so great i fucking would it's actually oh man we were crying back there because of the way people get treated, crying, laughing. Oh,

wow. I don't know. I'm going to go to fucking Toronto and London, Ontario and Ottawa for some shows this weekend. They're all sold out. I think there might be a few tickets left for Toronto. What? I don't understand what's up. Every fucking i do by the way every every time somebody tweets me hey

man you're sold out no somebody hit me hey you're sorry you're sold out in austin is there anything to do the gig in austin is on like december 28th and it's not sold out. There's like hundreds of tickets left because it's in fucking nine months. And I'm like, it's not sold out. And then she writes back, yeah, but well, then Ticketfly doesn't want me to come see you. And then I go as a customer to my own website and I go check Ticketfly and I'm able to get tickets. The fucking slam I did, the grand slam I did to the lady, Kat, at Young Money Kat. I moved all the way to Portland to see you in October and now it's sold out. Explain yourself.

And I write back, explain why 2,000 people bought tickets before you. Explain why fucking 2... I don't mean to get gully. But I have to get gully. If you're gonna get gully, if you're unknowingly getting fucking gully, then sorry. But I gotta get fucking gully, then sorry, but I got to get fucking gully on you. You're trying to fucking be like cute with the, oh, I moved to Portland.

Oh, and now I can't get a ticket. What gives? Dude, I got to get gully. Let me just count to 2000. One, two, three, four, five, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, how long would that take to fucking count to 2,000, that's as many people, think about all the time it took for all those people to fucking go online, purchase tickets, dude, and you're forcing me to fucking get golly, Golly!

I'm Mr. Gutter, dude. Yo, am I fucking it? Am I the clown from it? Because you just fucking put me in the gutter. I'll get Gully, dude. Hey, Chris, you're sold out. How come I can't get tickets? Oh, you can. Well, I guess Ticketfly doesn't want me to...

Excuse me a second. That's fucking $12.95 for your goddamn All-American Slam, dude. This is how we do it. Also, you know what else I don't like is when somebody's like, how come you only respond to haters that's not true at all it's not true at all i respond to people who love too but you see the hater shit because that's what people fucking like and look at and i don't mean by the way whoops i suddenly subtle Whoops. I subtly. Subtle.

Dude, how about when fucking sticky fingers is like, hurry up and give me the microphone before I bust in my pants. Hey, what? What? You're going to come? If somebody doesn't give you the microphone, you got probs. Hurry up and give me the microphone before I bust up in my pants. Oh, okay. No, actually, you know what? Let's see what happens.

That would be me if I was in fucking Onyx. No, you know what? Sticky Fingers? Let's see what happens. Dude, Sticky Fingers was ripped, too. Sticky Fingers is... Look at Sticky Fingers, dude. ripped too sticky fingers is look at sticky fingers dude dude sticky fingers you know the name that's hilarious i want to fucking do a movie with sticky fingers just me and him and i want to do a movie with me and him and i want to play a movie with me and him, and I want to play a fucking...

I mean, dude, what is that? That's from Blade? Is he in Blade? Dude, there's these pictures online of sticky fingers with fucking swords and guns, and it's really weird. It's got to be from Blade. What the fuck is he wearing?

We got to show these. Hurry up and give me the microphone before I bust in my pants. Okay. Now let's just, let's see him. I want to see him come on stage if we don't give him, if we don't pass him the mic. Onyx is heavyweight and still undisputed. What happened to Onyx? They need to do a where are they now on Onyx.

They need to do a VH1 where are they now, and then we need to fucking interview all the guys, and then when they cut to Sticky Fingers, or no, actually, they shouldn't interview Sticky Fingers. They should interview one of the other guys, and they should be like, so what happened? You're not a group anymore, and they'd be like, well, you know what, man? uh in doing this show in baltimore and it was going

pretty fly and somebody done fucked up and they didn't pass the microphone to sticky fingers in time and you know how that go he busted his pants he just started coming and stuff and then it was really weird because like people thought it was like odd that he was all being you know sexual and full of cum on stage and even though he was wearing all black because that's all he ever wears you could still kind of see the cum and so anyway uh ever since then it just was kind of weird and then it cuts to sticky fingers and they're like so was what fucking that other guy said correct me was like yeah like, yeah, you know, I was on stage and I was just like waiting for the microphone. It was my turn.

And I was like, you know, they didn't pass it over. And I just started coming, man. I busted. I busted in my pants like I said I would, you know. And ever since then, you know and ever since then you know and then that's it man vh1 where are they now to imagine being an artist and and being like oh okay i'll do it where are they now you know i'm talking about like hitting it having the fucking few singles or one or two or three singles that just fucking people worship and then just like 12 years later vh it's like your phone's

not ringing and all of a sudden and you're like what the fuck and you get hello hey what's up it's your agent for some reason uh you have one and uh we uh vh1 wants to do a where are they now well how much of a fuck you from the universe is that and then to not only that but you you swallow it and you're like okay and then the vh1 guy you're there like, so where the fuck you been, man? And you got to talk about, oh, I do real estate now. I do real estate in Long Island. Oh. Okay. Drummer from the Goo Goo Dolls.

I mean, not that they, I mean, they're richer than shit, but I don't have a better example. Okay, guy from the Pretenders. I guess he's walking fucking 500 miles for real now um dude my brother loved that song and I will walk 500 miles and I will walk 500 more

guess why I don't like that lyric guess why I don't like that lyric your true babies would know because that's a thousand goddamn miles. And just sing that. I will walk one thousand miles and that's how many miles I'll walk. I would like the song if it was that. But don't fucking add.

You're making the song longer than it needs to be. That's a thousand miles, you fucking asshole. Also, I'm assuming this song's about love, right? So he's like, okay, I'll walk 500 miles. And then when he gets there, he'll be like, okay, I'll do 500 more for you. Which is like some bitch shit, dude. Walk a fucking, know how long you'll walk for your love. Don't get halfway and then be like, all right, I'll walk 500 more.

You fucking bitch. You love her or not? I will walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door. Nope. Fuck that. If I was a girl and he was trying to get in my pants, I will be like, Hey man, figure out you should, you should have figured out beforehand, man. You're bad at, you're bad at fucking knowing how many miles you'd I used to know a guy who 9-11 happened and he wanted to, for charity, walk from LA to New York. And he came to me and he was like, will you help me? And I was like, what do you mean? And he was like, well, I want to film something and send it to like the Tonight Show and like Good Day LA and all these places. You know, hopefully get some press on it.

And I'm just going to walk from LA to New York. And I was like, what? He's like, yeah, I'm going to carry the flag. He was going to carry the flag. That's, that was the thing for America. Now I couldn't believe that he was going to do that. Okay. No, I don't know when to tell you this part. This is the best part. I'm going to wait to tell you this part, but, um, the, uh, so he's like, yeah'm gonna do it and i was like when are you gonna do it and he said next week and i was like but you don't work out and he was like i could do it i feel if i run a hundred miles a day i'll do it and i was like you don't run any miles a day and he was like yeah but i'm young i'm in shape that's how he sounded and and he looked just like Tom Cruise too,

which is the best part. And he was like, uh, and he was, so I filmed this thing, this poem that he wanted to do. And the poem was basically just like, I'm young and I am old.

I'm fast and I am slow. I'm fucking tall. And I, it's just whatever he would say, then say the opposite. And there was an American flag in the background. I mean, it literally looked like a fucking terrorist video.

And then he had me drop. Oh, and then the night before he went, I was going to drop him off at the beach. This is fucking hilarious. I was going to drop him off at the beach. And, and,

um, the night before he was eating Carl's Jr. He was eating a fucking Carl's Jr. burger and fries. And I was like, hey, dude, you shouldn't eat that if you're going to walk 3,000 miles tomorrow. Hey, you shouldn't eat that if you're going to carry a backpack and an American flag 3,000 miles in eight hours. And he was like, ah, it's fine. The next day came.

We mailed those tapes out to the Tonight Show. They were VHS by then, by the way, way earlier before the fucking cell phones got all high-tech and smartphones and shit. And then I went, and we were driving him to the beach, and he had his American flag and a shirt that said freedom on it that he drew made him look more like a fucking goddamn terrorist and a backpack and he was like ah we at the where the 110 and the 10 connected he was like ah we don't have to go all the way to the beach just drop me off here and i said on the freeway and he was like yeah and i was like, yeah. And I was like, all right. I fucking pulled over.

He got out of my car with his backpack full of waters and a shirt that said freedom and an American flag and fucking started walking east on the freeway. And as I drove away, I watched him and I was, oh, and here's the part I was saving. He's Canadian. He's Canadian. He is not American. He was like, I got to do this for America. Okay. Now, the end of the day, he called me. And he was like, I was like, hey, man.

Say, hey, dude, went pretty well. I was like, where are you? And he said, Arcadia? Place called Arcadia? Dude, he walked to Arcadia the first day. It's like fucking 35 miles away. And I was like, oh, well, that's not a, it's short for 100 miles, short of 100 miles, right? You're going to do that a day?

And he was like, yeah, but, you know, I don't know. It's the first day. So then I didn't talk to him for a bit. I joked. I was like, you want me to come see you? I'll be there in 20 minutes. And then, um,

I don't know the next day. I think like very early on. Okay. I can't believe this is what he wanted to do, but he got up, he got up, he like two or three days in, he,

he found a bike and started cycling. And then the bike broke, obviously. I don't even think he got out of California. And then he started hitchhiking. And he hitchhiked and he got to New York in two weeks from hitchhiking. Imagine picking up a guy who wrote freedom on his shirt holding an American flag. Oh, God. What the fuck did his parents think? Anyway, he got it.

And then, like a year later, yeah, it was a year later on the anniversary, like somebody got so much credit for like biking from LA to New York and it wasn't him. Dude, it was so funny, man. I don't want to say his name because you guys will fucking bombard him, but goddamn, it was so funny.

Dude, I would tell that story to my parents every time we got together. They would be crying. It took him fucking two weeks and he hitchhiked and he didn't run a hundred miles a day he ran the most he ever ran was the first day he went to Arcadia God that guy was funny man

I haven't talked to him in ten years looked just like Tom Cruise. Everyone would be like, are you Tom Cruise? And by the way, he was 6'2". And he'd be like, I'm way taller. People would get pictures with him and shit. Fuck.

People are so fucked and so weird, you know? I remember when he got to New York, he took the flag that he brought and he gave it to one of the fire... I mean, you know, fucking great intentions and it means well, you know? Gave the flag to the fire department and told him about his travels

and then... That guy has stories though, you know? Guys like that have stories. I don't do shit like that and I don't really have many stories. My stories are about those guys though you know guys like that have stories i don't do shit like that and i don't really have many stories my stories are about those guys you know i can't believe i lived i was living in burbank and he was staying with me fucking burbank dude i i if if somebody asked me to do that now i would be like are you fucking no get someone, get someone else. Take an Uber, dude. There's no way I'm dropping you off to your certain death. He said once he was in like a desert walking his bike and this big ass tarantula fucking

walked by like, I just would. No way, dude. There was a fucking brown recluse in my house the other day and I fucking, I had to kill it with my new shoes by the way these ones these gucci ones and i fucking was like dude i didn't even try them on yet and i was gonna i was gonna kill the spider with them and i was like this is gonna be i hope they fit and i did it dude spiders are so scary to me i used to have an ex that would just pick him up and take him outside. Like, yo, what?

Like it was a fucking suitcase. But it's a spider. Sup, Cuda? Sup, Cuda, over on my right side. Yeah, I don't know. You got questions here? Here we go. Going to one fire and Ivan gets rid of for the questions. Oh here here we go going to one fire and i've on get rid of for the questions

oh here we go so many of you guys ask me questions like this it's so funny like rob at the start man the stant man well zoom it in obviously one fire uh what do you think of people who say joe instead of coffee i mean you just you don't have you probably if you say joe instead of i would say if you say joe instead of coffee there's a high percentage of those people a high percentage and i'm talking about 85 probably don't have a personality you think just saying cute things is going to be who you are. See ya. Turn around.

Do your parents, Derek Hoefling, do your parents at the shower? Oh, wow. That's the worst fucking, that is actually the worst handle I've ever seen in my life. You were definitely in a frat.

The shower. Do your parents ever call you Christopher? Do you serve them up some grand slams when they do? No. First of all, that's my name. Second of all, yeah, they call me Christopher sometimes. My mom, I'd say half the time,

calls me Matt first. No. She calls me Matt first more than she calls me Chris first. Matt's my brother. And she calls Matt Chris first more than time calls me Matt first. No, she calls me Matt first more than she calls me Chris first. Matt's my brother. And she calls Matt Chris first more than she calls him Matt first. It's crazy. She'll be like, Matthew, Chris, Matt, Christopher, Chris, Matthew, who are you? She'll go, who are you?

Matthew. It's fucking really weird. I wonder if other families do that. Let me know for sure. Oh, they're both. Ivan gets rid rid of and one fire are doing that doing the shaking their head yes yeah all right next what's that no jack jake feinbaum what do you think about people who call dogs doggos that actually doesn't bother me i don't know why i don't know why it doesn't bother me but that one doesn't bother me doggoes look at the doggo yeah i don't know why that doesn't bother me i think it's because of those accounts like those fucking the doggo language that shit kills me like hey friend hey friend looking for a boop or some chimkin nuggets that shit kills me

dude i don't know why i think that's so funny, but it is. Because it's probably because it seems like it's making fun of things like that. Doggos, to me, seems like that language is making fun of internet talk. You know what I'm saying? It seems like it's less serious than somebody being like, you know, some other kind of fucking fml or whatever even though whatever fml isn't so bad uh what is your favorite memory at the comedy store jordan at jordan's vegan that's a good question wow i have a lot i have a lot um i have a i have a lot. I have a lot. Okay.

I think I've told this on the podcast before, but if not, I'll do it again. I have two that come to mind. One is I was at the Laugh Factory one night. Now, I know that's not the comedy show, but this is how the story starts. And I was doing crowd work with a bunch of guys who happened to be from Saskatchewan, Canada. And I was making fun of them and this is when i was coming up right this is not when i was on tv and shit like that i think i had been in some i had been in some some stuff but uh they were there they didn't know who i was and i was clowning

on them and they were laughing and everyone was we were having a good time in the audience whatever okay then the next night i went to the comedy store and it was late at night. I was still doing those late night spots. There were about, you know, maybe 20 people there. And I, and it's way really dark at the comedy store that those of you that have never been, the laugh action is like this really bright, hi, how you doing place. And this comedy store is this, the comedy store is this dark, you know, dungeon is kind of place. That's fucking awesome. Okay. So it feels like kind of dangerous in a way, you know, like a strip club and something like that. So I start doing crowd work cause it's late at night and it's, um, and it, you know, material isn't really working because it's late

at night and people have been there for hours. So I start doing crowd work to people. I start doing crowd work to these guys and I'm making fun of them and they're laughing and we're all laughing. And then I say – this goes on for minutes. And then I say, where the fuck are you guys from? And they say, Saskatchewan. And I said, really? That's so fucking weird.

Last night there were these guys from Saskatchewan that I was clowning and you guys are from Saskatchewan. And I said, really? That's so fucking weird. Last night, there were these guys from Saskatchewan that I was clowning. And you guys are from Saskatchewan. And they say, yeah, we were those guys. And so now I start laughing. I was like, why the fuck are you here again? Did you not know I was going to be here? And they were like, no, we knew. We liked you.

So we came back again. And so that felt really good. And then also, so I was like, well, fuck it. I liked you. So we came back again. And so that felt really good. And then also, so I was like, well, fuck it. I'm just going to do all the shit that I did about Saskatchewan last night. I started doing the same quote unquote crowd work to them. And they were in on the joke, but nobody else was. But they were laughing because it was still like the first time they heard these jokes about them. like the first time they heard these jokes about them.

And so I was doing like the same thing that I did the night before with them versus to them, which I did the first night. And I start, I was laughing so hard because of it that I think I was laughing. So it just, it just, it made me realize how special like standup comedy could be and how cool it was because it was not a thing that was going to happen again in my lifetime or my career because it was just two by chance.

And now it's certainly not going to happen because people, you know, that kind of my show, they're going to know who I am. But they discovered me that night at the Laugh Factory and then came the next night at the comedy store. And then the fact that we just redid this shit again for the audience there was just really fun and cool and special. And I always think of that. Those guys made my life fucking better in a way. And then there was another night that I'll never forget. There were so many nights I'll never forget at the comedy store, by the way. So these are just two that come to mind.

Brody Stevens, who is a comedian, is one of my favorite comedians. If you don't know his stuff, you got to look at him. Furthermore, if you're in LA, you have to go see him. He's really great live, but he's also great just if you look up clips. Brody Stevens is his name. Steven Brody Stevens for some fucking reason. He's got two Stevens in his name. And he's this comedian that goes on stage and he really like he'll do jokes but then

in the middle he'll be like you know i've worked for this spot i park for free and shit like that he's just hilarious and silly and one time on new year's the new year's crowds are always weird and he was going on uh and he was going to be the guy who went on at the at the comedy store when the ball dropped he was going to bring in the new year and he was like and be the guy who went on at the comedy store when the ball dropped. He was going to bring in the New Year, and he was like, and the crowd wasn't really receptive to him, and he said, you guys have to laugh. I'll ruin your New Years. Just like this kind of guy, and he's really funny.

Anyway, the comedy store spots are 15 minutes each. So he went on, and at this time, he was going on late. He would go on at like fucking, it was like probably 1215 or something. So he was going on and there were about 12 people in the audience. Okay. And he went on and he was bombing because there were 12 people in the audience and he was just being weird or whatever. By the end of the 15 minutes, he was,

there had more people came into the showroom. Like people wanted to come in from outside and just be like, oh, the comedy store. Let's catch a show. He started doing really well. But this guy came in in the middle of the act and was drunk. And Brody started making fun of him. And he started killing. He started murdering, right?

And now there were like 35 people there and now all the comedians were watching and Brody really started murdering. And in my head, I was like, this is one of the best sets I've ever seen so far. Okay. So it came time for Brody to bring up the next comedian who was Rusty Dooley. I don't know if you know who he is. And Rusty was there, but Brody was killing so hard that when Brody was like, that's my time, everyone was like, no, no, no, stay.

So Rusty from the back of the room was like, look, you know what? You're killing. Just fucking do my spot too. There's no reason for me to come up there. Everyone loves you. Why not? Fucking have another set do

another 15 minutes fuck it so everyone was like yeah do it do it and brody is like oh only if it's okay with you rusty and rush is like yeah as long as i get paid my fucking 15 i don't give a shit and brody's like all right fuck it i'll do another set and everyone's like yeah so brody starts doing this next set now rusty dooly set now he he's on stage for 15 more minutes, so this is 30 minutes. He starts – more people come in the room because of this. People are like, hey, he's doing Rusty's set now too. Rusty gave him time. Really?

Yeah, he's killing it. Went on stage. So now the room is getting full. It's like half full. And Brody is – now because there's more people in it, he is lighting this place up. It is – the whole room is completely turned around and he's killing even harder and i'm thinking this is even the better set than i just seen right so he's murdering so now 30 seconds goes by now this

guy he's built a rapport with this drunk guy he He's still there. The guy's becoming kind of part of the set. Other people are involved laughing at the guy laughing with Brody. Yeah. Laughing with Brody. And then the next person on, because Brody's like, okay, guys, I did two sets. Now I've got to go. I got to bring up the next comedian. I don't remember the name of the next comedian. She was this comedian that used to come to the comedy store, did late night spots. And she, I haven't seen her in years. Fucking her name.

Her name escapes me, but she says, Brody, look, just do my spot too. You're fucking killing. There's no reason for me to do it. As long as I can get my $15,

I don't give a shit. He's like, no, it's not fair. Comedians work hard. You all earn this I can get my $15, I don't give a shit. He's like, no, it's not fair. Comedians work hard. You all earn this spot. And she's like, I don't give a shit. Go. And everyone's like, literally like, come on, Brody. Come on.

And then Brody's like, no, no, no, I'm not. I got to get off stage. It's not fair. I want to let her do her spot. So he goes to leave the stage and everyone in the room is like, no, stay. Don't leave. like comics and comics and and people and the drunk guy's like don't fucking leave like yelling right and i'm thinking how the fuck is this girl gonna follow this guy right so you know so as he steps off stage, he stops like he's thinking about it. It's like WWF or WCW, whatever the fuck, and he's just thinking about it.

And then what always happens is when Brody took the stage, he used to play this song by Paramore. I don't know what it was. It was some fucking guitar. It was like the fucking Back in Black song that I play, like something like that. Like whatever their big, big, big fucking hit was. And as he's thinking it over, the music guy hits that song, right? So that fucking song comes on and starts fucking, you know, whatever that beat is, everyone's screaming. And that beat happens. And then Brody hears the song and pivots and grabs the microphone

and says you know what dreams do come true and and he's like i'm staying and everyone is on their feet just going fucking yeah and he does another 15 minutes. And I shit you not, destroys even harder than he was. This is three sets now. He did 45 minutes. And I sat and watched the whole fucking thing. And it was so fucking funny. And I remember in that night, I was the comedian who wasn't on TV, who was just at the comedy store. And I, by the way, still feel

fortunate that I'm there. And I'm, I still feel lucky to be there. But in that moment, I was like, wow, this place, I am so fucking lucky. I just get to even just be in there, let alone go on stage late at night. It was fucking so awesome. And it was like, I hate when people say shit like this, but it really felt like the only places this could happen is the comedy store. Like other stand-up, other comedy clubs, they just don't have that kind of a thing about them. And ever since then, stuff like that has happened like you know i've seen i've seen guys go on late at night and just dick around and that kind of special thing happened but that to me you know now also i'm not there late at night really too much anymore because i do you know earlier spots uh and and all that and so you know i always uh every time i am there

late at night if i if i like if i go eat and then walk back or something, I see those, you know, the 1 a.m. spot with like Don Barris or whatever the fuck. Or I don't know if Brody still is there late at night. But like I see them talking on stage, done them those spots and sitting in the back of the room watching shit like what happened with Brody that those two memories the Saskatchewan thing and that thing with Brody doing 45 minutes are two memories that I think of often that are two of my favorite memories at the comedy store good question and uh those were some loaded answers too. So I guess that's good. I mean, we're probably good on episode 86, but thanks for listening.

Blue Apron, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats. And don't forget, download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Enter rewards code congrats, get $5, and give $5 to Time's Up. You guys are the shit. Thanks for listening always. And thanks for helping me get these fucking wood planks to build this log cabin, dude. And remember, everyone has a little bit of cuda in them. That's why we got this cuda up here, right here on the wall.

But we got to fight that cuda. You got to fight that inner cuda as much as you can, man. Follow the leader. Come see me. Get tickets. Follow the leader. Buy tickets at chrisdalia.com. I got a bunch of places coming up. Fresno, New York, Portland, San Antonio, Boston, Miami,

West Palm Beach, Florida, Atlanta, Los Angeles, San Francisco. Subscribe to the YouTube channel and watch us on YouTube. Get a look at that new fucking renovation of the studios. Uh, subscribe,

rate, and review the show, please. We're getting more hits and views than ever. So, uh, we really love that. We want to build this fucking thing and build this cult.

So this cult can end up taking over, man. Uh, and you can get, there's new merch coming soon. Uh, not new merch, but,

uh, there's, uh, we're restocking these fucking Grand Slant Tees. You guys are the shit. Thanks very much. Sayonara, my babies. Congratulations! Outro Music