Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 87. Triple Talaq

Episode Date: September 25, 2018

It's the 87th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about growing up, role models, and what it means to be a role model. Also discussed: Suge Knight, Bill Cosby, airplanes, Kopi Luwak (cat poop coffee), the triple Talaq, plus Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let me start over. Episode 87 of congratulate. No, no, no. I like that. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App. You know the Cash App. It's the simplest way to instantly send money to friends. It's also the number one app in finance, but it didn't get there on payments alone. These days, Cash App is changing how people interact with their money. It's adding features you can only get from a bank and more than a few that you can't. Like the Cash Card, Boosts, and Bitcoin.

Download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Baby roll call. What's up, my babies? It's a baby roll call. Episode 87 of Congratulations. And we just keep on moving it, man. We take it a day at a time and a week at a time. And that turns into months at a time and then years at a time.

Do you feel what I'm saying? Everyone who's saying taking it a day at a time, they're taking it weeks at a time too. And they're also taking it years at a time. They're basically just picking an arbitrary amount of time and saying it that. They're saying it. They're taking it that a time. You could say you're taking it a minute at a time. You could say you're taking it two minutes at a time.

You could say you're taking it 37 seconds at a time. But a lot of people say that they're taking it a day at a time, and that's how they get through the fucking life. And there you go. If that's what makes you a better person, then good. We got some shit here new at the Congratulations Studios. It feels like every week we get a new thing here at Congratulations Studios. We've got, of course, the new deal, the way it looks. we've got of course the new deal the way

it looks we've got the fucking you know the wood planks here keeping it nice and cozy we should get a fireplace soon but we're not going to do that uh we got the sign here the congratulations sign we also have the um the cuda here to keep us a reminder to give us a reminder of how not to be, right? To fight that inner CUDA. But we also have today something that isn't going to benefit you guys in a direct way, but it is indirectly. Okay. We've got one of those soundless, noiseless fans. Now, let me tell you something. It's from Dyson, right? It's a Dyson fucking thing? Yeah? Okay, it's from Dyson.

You know the commercials where the guy's just like, at Dyson we try to make things, we try to make it from the ground up. We looked at the fan, and what we did is we looked at the vacuum, and what we did is, instead of making the vacuum like people usually make, we redefined the vacuum. And now the vacuum what a new thing dyson i'm a guy with long gray hair obviously but um yeah so and here's the thing this fan that's putting out no noise puts out fucking noise that's the thing when you put it on high it's literally like

you know what it sounds like a fucking fan that's it it's got a fucking oval shape shape like a fucking big old like big big giant pussy a little bit you know you'd have to take into account giant dicks too so i mean yeah you'd be like oh every time you say something looks like a pussy online people will be like yeah what kind of pussy are you used to seeing yeah dude we get it here at dyson this guy's always wandering around you ever see those dyson commercials always wandering around a fucking laboratory with like a bunch of fucking crazy uh electronic shit he picks up like a vacuum that's purple, long and purple and shit. The most, the most power.

Here at Tyson, we make it the most powerful cordless vacuums. This way you don't trip over yourself when you're vacuuming your cat hair. But yeah, so we got one of those, one of those fans. And let me tell you something, babies. It makes noise.

If you're trying to get a noiseless fan, well, let me tell you something. They don't exist. You know what a noiseless fan is? One of those Japanese ones where you just fucking hold and fan yourself. Or have somebody do it like you're a bad guy. Get a fucking leaf. Anytime air's moving, it's going to be making noise. You know why? Wind. You know what makes noise? Wind. So we got one of those fans and it's going to fucking make me a little bit cooler. Hopefully you won't. If I'm wearing light gray shirts, if I'm going to wear the Grand Slam tee, dude, you know what I mean?

You won't be able to see my fucking flop sweat. You won't be able to see my sweat. You won't be able to see, you know, and now granted, you won't be reminded about those fucking, that ski course of the fucking double black diamonds, but still, dude, they're there. You have to believe in it like Jesus Christ. Going to hell for saying that?

Yeah, check, but it's all good. So, yeah. I took – I was in Toronto. I did fucking – I was in Ottawa, Toronto, and also London, Ontario. And let me tell you something. Somebody told me that they flew to London by mistake. London, Europe, in Europe. They went to Europe by mistake.

They flew. They took the thing. They took the flight. They went to Europe. And they flew they took the thing they took the flight they went to Europe and they got there and then they fucked up and realized that I was going to be in London Ontario now I don't know where they were from originally but they sent me a message and they literally said that they were in London and they were like oh well I guess I'll enjoy it I'll have to fucking come over to see at some other time fly over the pond i felt real bad but also that's going to be a funny story in years and years but also enjoy london i guess you know but that's so

fucking crazy that that actually happens also don't you get tickets maybe she bought the tickets already but she just bought yeah i think she said she did she bought the tickets um but she messed up and went to london she got a flight to fucking London in Europe. Hey, check. Hey, I've got something for you. Check. Check itinerary and check website. Hey, don't go to the wrong place in the world. You know what I mean? If you if you're like yeah i'm going to tender greens oh okay cool i'll meet you at tender greens and you wind up at the one on sunset instead of the one on fucking ventura boulevard fine but imagine going to the wrong place in the world hey dude sorry i fucked up i know you're in Canada, but I'm in Europe.

Oh, well. Guess I'll have a fucking good time anyway. God damn it. It's never set up the right way. The fucking soundboard never is sent up the right way. Set up the right way. And it's not working. There we go.

I'll have fun in Europe. Sometimes they flag my videos because I play that shit. That's bullshit, by the way, YouTube. We all know that nobody's going to be listening to fucking You're Making My Dreams Come True off of my fucking congratulations podcast. No one's, that doesn't, that's not satisfactory for people if they want to listen to this song. Hey, dude, but we don't have to buy it for 140. Instead, just turn on congratulations find the

part it syncs up with and even though chris dilly is talking over it let's listen to it that way give me a fucking break um anyway so that's a crazy fucking thing and i took air canada to get to let me tell you something air canada get wi-Fi on your fucking planes, man. It's 2018. I know we talked about this. But, dude, if you're going to be in 2018, be in 2018. Don't be in 2001. The planes are new. Get Wi-Fi on it. And I know this is like a first.

This drives me nuts. First world problems. Yeah, I don't give a fuck, dude. There is a first world. We're in it. If you're listening to this, you're most likely in the first world yourself. Get Wi-Fi. I get on the plane to Air Canada. Do you guys have Wi-Fi? This airplane doesn't have it yet. Oh, cool. What airplane are we taking? This one? Then don't say

that, you smug ass. Yet, dude. Don't ever say the word fucking yet to me on an airplane. You know? Yeah, this aircraft, first of all, they never call it an airplane. When you work on a plane, you call it an aircraft. Now that makes me a BRM. That's like when actors call it their craft or whatever. When they're like, well, you know, I'm just honing my craft. You're reading lines he didn't even write them you're honing your craft or he's saying what you suppose dude honing your craft yeah dude well you know i like i go to act i go to i go to uh my my acting class

uh taught by some guy um he was on fucking most notably nine episodes of the second season of jag and anyway he also was on some of the cI fucking Miami and did some CSI New Orleans and he was in a movie in fucking 2009 with Jay Baruchel where he played his teacher but still I'm just honing my craft every week with that guy oh yeah are you you're honing your craft dude no it's good to practice i'm just fucking around you do have to practice that's the other thing too a lot of people move out here as actors and they just want to be fucking actors they just want fame they just want to do it like that

that's not cool man you can't do it like that you got to practice you do have to hone your craft actor actually as much as i'm making fun of it you got to uh you got to hone your craft um actor actually as much as i'm making fun of it you got to uh you got to hone your craft um and you also have to fucking practice everything you do you know like i used to think about that when i was a stand-up when i am i mean i am a stand-up but when i was starting like i was like dude i want to go on stage every fucking night that's the thing that was the difference i had a buddy that was getting work as an actor more than I was when I first started stand-up. And he loved auditioning.

I fucking hate auditioning. And he loved auditioning because he loved it. He would practice auditioning and then go on the audition. They could sniff it out and they could be like, this guy's a professional and they fucking hire him. Me, I wanted to do stand-up. I would go up and do shows for five people at some bar in north hollywood with the tvs on because i loved it and and other comedians who didn't want it as much not to say that there weren't some that did want it as much of course they did but some of the comedians that

would would uh would watch um would would would would want to be a comedian they wouldn't want it that much and they wouldn't do those spots and that's how fucking you get successful i'm coming out i don't know where to know but that's what yeah that's it i don't know but my whole fucking point is air canada get wi-fi when you're gonna get it oh maybe october they said oh cool well let's just wait till october to fly then. Dude, it's not. If you're going to have your business going, get your business fucking going. That's my whole thing, man. I've talked about this before on the podcast.

Like, if it's going to work, make it if it's going to work. Don't make it if it doesn't fucking work, you know? You know when you go in a fucking office, business office, fucking whatever, and they're like, ah, the Wi-Fi is kind of temperamental, then don't have it. Don't fucking have it then. Because I can still use my cellular data to fucking send a text off. But in the air, have it. It's 2018. I slept on the flight.

It's also so, I was reading a thing too. That said like 41% of people. I think Nikki Glaser posted this on Twitter. She was. It was a thing about how 41% of people. Think it's rude to recline your seat. On an airplane. And 59% of people don't. Dude.

Recline. Go ahead. Recline. If I'm behind you. Recline all the way into my cock. Go ahead. I'll give you a fucking scalp massage. Because guess what I'm doing too. I'm behind you, recline all the way into my cock. Go ahead. I'll give you a fucking scalp massage. Because guess what I'm doing too?

I'm reclining as well into the fucking housewife's, you know, belly behind me. That's all. That's all. That's it, dude. Everybody recline into our privates. Go ahead. Put your head, put the back of your head in fucking dicks and pussies. When you're on a plane and they give you the, all right, you know, everybody can move.

Reclining. That's all you got to do is bang a zagon. You ever try to be on the airplane and you're not sure if you can hear it better from the headphones or you can, or you take them off. You're like, I can't hear the motherfucker. Sometimes it's so fucking loud they're just like they're just like oh we reached 10 000 feet and you're like jesus christ i'm trying to take a nap and sometimes it's literally like you're at the canada here canada just taking

a big relax and feeding now i gotta look now it's inside see mount rushmore see ya also who's No, I got a tent looking out inside. See Mount Rushmore. See ya. Also, who's looking out of the fucking plane at shit? I don't know. Maybe I would do that. But I never, I feel like I can never see it. Like I'm like too high up. I'm like, is that it or is that it? Yeah, but recline into my cock.

I don't give a shit. I'll recline into your pussy or cock. If you're a guy, I'll recline into your cock. I don't give a shit. The back of my head's meeting your, Hey, nice to meet you, cock. This is the back of my head. Nice to meet you. Let's chill for a little bit on our way to fucking Buffalo.

And then when we land, nice chatting with you. See you later. Hopefully you're not a boner. Hopefully you're flaccid. Catch you later. I mean, Jesus Christ, what the fuck am I talking about here? Really?

Well, what is important, though, which is crazy to me, and not that they didn't deserve it, they deserve it, but what's fucking insane to me, what I've been thinking about lately, is the two guys in jail are fucking Suge Knight and Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby has three to ten years and Suge Knight has 28 years in prison. Dude, imagine living, first of all, Cosby's what, 81? Imagine living 81 years free and then having to probably spend the rest of your life in jail. I mean, he'll probably get out in three years. Who knows if he'll be alive at that point.

I'm sure it's probably hard to stay alive in prison just with your health breaking down and shit, even your mental health. Because I'd fucking end it at 81. Fuck that, dude. You got to leave your wife and you got to be locked the fuck up, and you deserve it,

and you know you deserve it. Wow. And Suge Knight, as bad as he was his whole life, has got to be still in jail for 28 years, dude. He's going to be 81 when he gets out. Imagine Suge Knight and Bill Cosby in jail together. Suge Knight and Bill Cosby. Suge Knight be like,

fucking, let's make an album of your jokes, motherfucker. And Bill Cosby be like, no. Dude, how stupid is a Bill Cosby? Anyone who ever does a Bill Cos me it's like christopher walken now you know if someone's at a party and they're like yeah he does christopher walken that guy's the most boring guy at the fucking party um yeah dude but that's crazy that they're going to be in jail dude when i was a kid i used to listen to be in jail. Dude. When I was a kid,

I used to listen to fucking Bill Cosby and all the Suge Knight's production. You know, that's so crazy that those guys, if you told the young me that I was going to be in jail, that they were going to be in jail, I would be like, what? I'd be like,

maybe Suge Knight, but not Bill Cosby. That's fucking insane, dude. It blows my mind. And yes, I know they deserve it it's weird too because it's hard to separate that shit for me it really is like even that we have with xxx tentacion or whatever like he was a motherfucker but his music was great or whatever it's hard for me to separate it though you know like the art and what they did.

Because what Bill Cosby did for people and the black community was insane. But then what he did was rape lots of girls and that's – it's just so fucked. It's such a mind fuck, man. I don't even, like he, like to, the fact that he can be in jail, because I know there's people out there that are like,

yeah, he's in jail, he deserves it, but I still feel badly because they know the fucking, they know what the fuck he, you know, they grew up on him. God, that's fucking crazy, man.

And his wife is standing behind him still. I don't know if she still is, but fuck. That's just, being in jail, I talked about this before. fucking crazy man. And his wife is standing behind him still. I don't know if she still is, but fuck. That's just... Being in jail, I talked about this before. When would you start fucking guys?

It would take me eight days. But when would you end up killing yourself? Dude, if I had to spend my life in jail, I think I'd actually fucking... This is supposed to be a comedy podcast, but I think I'd fucking... I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could fucking do it.

I'd go out in some jokey way. Like my last fucking line would be like, Superman, and then just jump off the fucking thing. I used to think when I was a kid, like when I grew up, I would get fucking way, way, way old, and I'd go out onto a bridge with my oldest buddy and be like, Hey dude, check this out. I'm Superman. And just dive off. And then that's how I would die when I was fucking like 90 and it would just throw everybody for a loop. And I would know like, well, you know, the best years are behind me. Fuck it. I went out with

a joke that would be fucking memorable. We all want to be memorable, right? It's crazy how fucking Bill Cosby is going to be memorized, remembered as the guy who fucking you know he's gonna be remembered as the guy who raped a bunch of women but i don't think suge knight's gonna be remembered as the guy who fucking ran that other guy over and killed him he's gonna be remembered as the the ceo at death row that's weird it's you know you know what it is too it's because suge knight was a bad guy and he made money what i mean is obviously because he was a bad guy but he he he his image was a bad guy and he made money. What I mean is obviously because he was a bad guy, but he, he, he, his image was a bad guy. Bill Cosby's image wasn't a bad guy.

They didn't know that that's what he was. And so now he's going to be known as the fucking bad guy. That's fucking wild, huh? That's crazy that history is going to do that just because he fucking had that goody two shoes if you're yeah wow it's fucking insane drink the fucking

everywhere I go I try to fucking actually let's do these first yeah postmates as usual your stomach and the rest of your life are at war you need to eat but you can't stop what you're doing to deal with it the only fast things that deliver are not what you want introducing postmates the app that adds a delivery option to your favorite restaurants. Imagine anything you want to eat delivered. You don't have to drive, park, or even talk on the phone to order. Just download the app and order. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, Postmates will bring you what you want within the hour. You can even see where your food is and track your driver. You forgot eggs and milk? No problem.

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These are $200 designer jeans for half price, plus their September savings event means you will save 20% on everything at mottenbow.com slash congrats. That's M-O-T-T-N and B-O-W.com slash congrats for 20% off everything. This is their best deal anywhere, but it is only for the month of September. So get on that. Save 20% during Mott and Bow's September savings event at MottandBow.com slash congrats. Get on it, my babies. Dude, when I was in toronto uh this company

hit me up uh collar clothing which is great uh and they uh they were like hey we got we're based in toronto they sent me a bunch of stuff already and they were like hey we're in toronto let me send you some stuff uh let's send you some stuff and so I met them in the lobby and they gave me bags of these clothes. And I wear them on stage a lot. Collar. K-O-L-L-A-R. But another thing is, remember the story I told when I went on the hike

and I had to use the ASRV clothing to wipe my backside because I had an emergency up there on that hike? Well, guess what they did? As a joke, they sent me fucking toilet paper and a knife and three pair of cargo pants. Because of what Will Sasso told me, he always brings a knife in case he does run into a problem hiking.

He can cut off the cargo pocket and then use that to wipe his fucking backside. And that's what ASRV sent to me with no explanation. But I got it. I got it because it was like fucking the Riddler doing something with Batman. And they were the Riddler. And they sent me a riddle. And I fucking got it like I'm Batman but I got it. I got it because it was like fucking the Riddler doing something with Batman, and they were the Riddler, and they sent me a riddle, and I fucking got it, like I'm Batman. I got it. And ASRV basically is telling me I'm like Batman,

because I got it. So thank you, ASRV, for having a sense of humor and also sending me really cool fucking workout clothing, which is top-notch. Dude, I fucking... I need to drink that fucking cat poop coffee is what I need to drink. Have you ever heard of this? Cat poop coffee? Oh yeah. Well, it's something dude. One fire doesn't know what cat poop coffee is, but let's look it up, dude. What is cat poop coffee? Also known as

Kopi Loak. Of course it's not actually called cat poop coffee, but Kopi Loak or cat poop coffee is widely known as the rarest most expensive coffee in the world retail prices have reached it uh reaches as high as 80 a cup wow it's also the world's rarest coffee bean too this is at cat poop coffee inc.com you know of all websites, catpoopcoffeeinc.com. That's incorporated. Coffee berry, cat poop coffee, copiloac are the coffee berries that have once been eaten and excreted by a cat called the Asian palm kivet. Sivet kivet. So basically a cat called the Asian palm kivet eats the berries fromet so basically a cat called the Asian palm kivet

eats the berries from a coffee tree then basically poops them out I like any article that says basically by the way that means I'm going to be able to understand it from here a farmer or coffee harvester would grab the defecated beans and begin processing them

what that means is he's digging through the cat, the fucking cat shit. When the cats, kivvets, eat the coffee berries, fermentation of the coffee beans occurs in the cat's digestive system. During this process, the cat's, the cat shit, you know, it seeps into into the enzymes seep into the coffee beans you know yada yada unique flavor and aroma and shit so during this entire test of the cat beans are trembling imagine going to a place also how about fucking, how long does that take? Hey, one cup of cat shit coffee, please. Cool.

Hang around. We'll call your name out in four hours. We got to wait till this cat eats these fucking berries. Imagine being like, yeah, one cup of coffee. I'd be like, sure. And then they feed a fucking berries to the cat and that you would you like a double shot yeah cool eat more berries kitty and then four hours your orders coming up and then by and then you're fucking falling asleep carl

yeah your coffee's ready here you go that'll be 80 hey are you fucking kidding me no cool here's my 80 let me drink it sip oh is it good yeah how good could it fucking possibly be what is it fucking press your prostate dude it's just i mean you're drinking coffee to fucking most people i think drink coffee to fucking stay awake anyway you know it's not. Look at this. 2 Chainz drinks $600 coffee made from cat poop. Most expensive shit. GQ. Seems like something 2 Chainz would be like. He would drink it and just be like, true.

Can I have some cat shit coffee? Cool. Here you go, 2 Chainz. Let me drink it. True. How good could it be? I need to try that shit. Somebody send me some.

Or just either send me some cat shit coffee or just send me a fucking cat and those berries and I'll make them myself. What if that was the thing at home? You're like, no, I make my own. You open up the cupboard. There's a cat and a fucking bowl of cherries. I got to wake up at 2 a.m because i fucking like my coffee at six coffee's ready how about that shirt two chains wears that fucking says ceo with all the zeros after it ceo millionaire i guess it was just trying to say CEO and air.

I don't fucking know. I mean, forking out the money to pay for the cat food. 600. It says it's $600 for two chains. Here you go. Do you guys have an ATM? Cool.

I have to wait. You know what? Let me order the coffee at fucking, uh, 10 PM because I can't because I can only withdraw $3,000 every day. So after midnight, I'll withdraw $300 again. $300 and then $300 after midnight, and then here's your $600. True. Bad. What is this world that somebody – how did it even fucking come about that they drank cat shit coffee? How fucking bored do you have to be?

How fucking hoity-toity rich-ass motherfucker do you have to be to be like, why don't we try cat shit? Why don't we try to feed? Also, so rich on drugs, fucking legitimately on mushrooms, which by the way, why eat mushrooms anyway? To be, that's how rich they were. They already ate the mushrooms and they're on the mushrooms just like, hey, why don't we feed these cherries to cats and then see if we can make coffee out of this shit? We can probably charge upwards of $600 for this. Hey, cat shit. Don't ever be anywhere near my mouth.

You know where cat shit should be? Near cat's buttholes. And that's it. be near cats buttholes and that's it if there's something out there someone's eating it you know i fucking when i was a kid i used to i watched this thing that was like guinness book of world records this guy was eating shopping carts hey man he was you saw that dude he was eating shopping carts he would like gnaw on it until it would fucking break free and then he would eat the shopping part shopping carts and then i guess shit it out he probably never made coffee out of that see that's the thing that guy was missing a fucking

an extra step later where he should be like oh i can make money off this shit shopping cart souffle or whatever the fuck shopping cart souffle um i don't fucking know bro i i i love coffee so much i guess if i guess i would drink that fucking cat shit coffee i would would you want fire if you were yeah you would would you i wouldn Ivan get rid of? Yeah, I would too. I think someone who's like, ew, like after you fucking make it hot and shit, I've, I'm all, I'm all good. You know, all that shit burns out. I'm not like I would eat, you know, I wouldn't eat cat shit, but when they ferment it and then fucking clean it and then fucking make it all boil it or whatever, you know, not boil it, but get it real hot. Like the coffee is, can I get a, can I get an iced cat shit coffee, please?

Can you make it a latte for me? I wonder if they can do that. Probably not, right? How about somebody who's like, oh yeah, I'll get the fucking cat shit coffee. I want a latte, but I want it to be with fucking almond milk. Be like, yeah, you're eating cat shit. You're not going to drink what?

Fucking regular milk? I don't know know that's kind of fucking that's kind of a hacky premise robin hood is in is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks etfs options and cryptos all commission free you like to do this and you don't want to pay commission? Robinhood is where it's at. They strive to make financial services work for everyone, not just the wealthy. Non-intimidating way for stock market newcomers to invest for the first time with true confidence? Check. Robinhood. Don't be insecure with this. They do it all for you.

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Download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. It's my favorite Cash App, my babies. app store or google play market it's my favorite cash app my babies dude i was reading this thing the other day too about uh it was that fucking uh thing we were talking about okay let me just read this for you i don't know what this is from, what website this is from, but it's called the Triple Talak. Okay. I'm going to read this for you here. Because this I thought was, this summed up how fucking stupid any religion is. Okay. Now, look, religion, if it makes you a

better person, if it makes you happier, if it makes your family happier and closer, and you like going to church, I am all for it. I am not talking shit about people who use religion to make themselves happier. Great. Now, am I talking shit about religion? You bet. Do I think it's silly? Oh, yeah.

Is it het?? Oh, yeah. Is it? Hey, it's absolutely. Okay. Okay. Something known as triple talaq. Now, this is from a website. It's instant divorce. It allows Muslim men to immediately terminate a marriage just by repeating the word talaq, which means divorce in Arabic, three times to their wives.

The words can be uttered either in person or online. And the woman has no recourse. Like if he writes tala talak talak online to you you can't be like no anti-talak there's no talak reversal i have five seconds to do talak reversal sweetheart don't bother me i have five seconds to do the talak reversal some muslim women say they have even been divorced via WhatsApp. Imagine you got divorced.

Hey, I got divorced. Really? Oh, that's tough. Yeah. Kind of took the sting out of it, though, because it was over WhatsApp. And somebody just wrote talak three times. Imagine no explanation. Just you get the text.

Oh, who's this? Talak, talak, talak. Oh, fuck. I'm divorced instantly. Tweet it. Or in letters. According to AFP. They've done it in letters. Like longhand. India's Supreme Court ruled in August 2017 that triple talak...

Like, it's a fucking wrestling move, by the way. Oh, no. Here comes fucking Razor Ramon with the triple talak like it's a fucking wrestling move by the way oh no here comes fucking razor ramon with the triple talak uh-oh and pile drives them instead uh-oh here he goes on the reps for his signature the the muslim menace on the ropes uh-oh the beginnings of a triple talak oh here he comes oh he divorces depone he divorced he divorced his fucking spine from his head uh in india supreme court ruled in august 2017 that triple talak was unconstitutional hat and the shit hey figure that out in 1912 uh but legislation how about how legislation is even mentioned in this article about divorcing

somebody by saying a word three times like it's a beetle juice uh legislation passed in december was stifled by political opposition the impasse prompted the government of prime minister narendra modi to issue the executive order so it's not you can't do it anymore i guess wait hold on what does that mean they can't do it or they can't do it now so uh august 2017 the supreme court ruled that triple talak was unconstitutional but legislation passed in december was stifled by political opposition oh so they can do it still i can't tell the way it's written i'm an idiot maybe Maybe you guys know. Either way, they did it in 2017.

Dude, imagine being like, imagine the last straw. Like, imagine you're just in a loveless marriage. How fucking amazing must some of the Muslims feel when that fucking started? So, look, Muhammad said that, you know, look, we haven't been seeing eye to eye now for six, seven years.

I know our love has changed. I felt disconnected from you. Muhammad said, this guy Muhammad said that I follow. We can get divorced without all of the paperwork. I just have to tell you, talak, talak, talak talak talak hey huh imagine the wife hearing that for the first time what let me google it let me google this hold on one second let me turn let me open my phone oh it's open on twitter hey wait did you tweet me talak talak talak too imagine being like you fucked up the laundry again to like to like to like dude to lack don't make me fucking don't make me do the triple look i'm just saying

if you fucking do that again you're getting the triple to lack that's all that's all i'm calling the muslim menace dude i'm getting i'm pulling the triple talak on you talak dude when i fucking read that i laughed so hard i was crying they deemed it unconstitutional yeah can't well you know we're not gonna be able to do the talak talak talak imagine the the Indian men that are just like fucking, hallelujah, because they fucking didn't want to be divorced. And they were so fucking upset that they were even married in the first place. And now they're just pulling the triple talak out of their fucking ass, dude. Unreal.

Unreal. I want to get married just to do the triple talak and then have my fucking American girl just be like, mm-mm, are you fucking out of your mind? What happens, by the way, if she disagrees? It says, no, I'm not going anywhere. I guess you can call the police and you can be like, hey, the police came. Just, I told her, did you, hello, Indian police? Yeah.

She's your wife. She can stay in the house. Yeah, no, but I told her talak, talak, talak. Can you prove it? Well, I'll just tell her again right now. Hey, baby, talak, talak, talak. There, I want her removed from my house. I make all the money. Get her out. She's an in the house. Yeah, no, but I told her, talak, talak, talak. Can you prove it? Well, I'll just tell her again right now. Hey, baby, talak, talak, talak. There, I want her removed from my house. I make all the money.

Get her out. She's an intruder now. We're divorced instantly. Take her. I mean, Jesus Christ, you know? This fucking world, dude. You got fucking Suge Knight in jail, and Indian guys are fucking talaking all day long. night in jail and every and indian guys are fucking talaqan all day long wow this fan works bro it fucking works i wouldn't say i'm cold but i don't have any sweat going on

fuck yeah man life's about fucking moving forward my babies i had a bad week i had a bad week Moving forward, my babies, I had a bad week. I had a bad week. I wasn't happy this week. I was sad. I had a sad week. But it's about going on. You know, and I was like, I don't even know.

This is why I did the podcast today because I didn't know. I didn't think I could do it yesterday because I was in a fucking foul mood for a week. And today, you know, I woke up. Didn't feel so good still, but I knew the babies were out there listening. And I want to thank you guys for being with me, man, because I wasn't happy this week. and i didn't know how i was going to do this and i did i did my shows i got through toronto shows i got through all those shows and i fucking did it because i'm a professional dude you got to do it did i feel good in my heart when i was doing it not really but the audience still you know was happy that I came out and thank you for that. It's fucking tough, man, performing when you're like not in a good space. Like I'm not – like right now, like trying to do this podcast when I'm just like – when I have – when there's some weight on my shoulders, it's fucking hard.

It really is hard and it's hard. is hard and it's hard you know um and you know this isn't i know this is a comedy podcast but it's also a uh it's also every week and it's also me you know it's a version of me but it's also me sometimes and it's hard to uh shake that weight off sometimes and just go and do comedy for you guys especially when i don't know what i'm going to say if i know what i'm going going to say, if I'm up there, I might do my, my standup and all this shit and I'm out there doing the thing. I know how to make it funny because I've been doing it. But when I'm here and I don't know what I'm going to say to get that feeling of happiness, because you kind of need that, at least for me to, to do a joke, you know, and I can trick

myself into that a lot of the time when I'm performing. Because I already know what I'm going to say. Most of the time. Or I can get into this loosey-goosey. Type of mode. Where I'm just like. Ah. Fucking what matters in life anyway. Here I am.

Fucking on stage. Bullshitting. And you guys are here. Thank you for coming. That kind of whole vibe. I can get into a silly space. But I don't have. The audience with me right now.

I've got. One fire. And Ivan gets rid of. I've got some weight on my shoulders and I'm still doing this here for you babies. And we got this log cabin, right, that I'm knocking on. And I'm trying. You know?

I guess I'm just saying thanks for fucking listening. Really. Because I've been thinking lately too like i never thought about like i've been watching will smith and shit on instagram and just how how great his family is you know and um i know jayden a bit and you know i i i i i met will once twice and fucking jada once but like i don't know them but you know i i worked with with jaden they're just great they're great people and i was thinking about will smith and like how you can look up to him you know you really can look up to will smith

you can look up to guys like the rock you can look up to fucking mark walberg you know what i mean he's a family man and he's waking up when he needs to. And I was thinking about me, how about I'm just this motherfucker who talks bullshit on a podcast and I do stand up and I talk about fucking dick jokes and shit. And I did this inner in conversation thing at, uh, in conversations thing at, uh, what do you call it? Um, just for laughs. And, uh, I don't know how this is going to sound, but I'm just going to tell you guys, I, uh, I was out there and this guy was talking to me about, you know, stand up and about me and about my comedy and all that. And it was packed, you know, there were like 200 people there. And, uh, the guy in the front row, they opened it up

to questions, guy in the front row. He's like, Hey, I just want you to know. He said, I don't really have a question. I just wanted to let you, I just want to ask if you knew, I guess it was a question. He says, uh, do you know that? Like I, I like your comedy, like, uh, this is so David Brent, but like your comedy fucking has helped me get out of depression and shit. And I've had dark times. And sometimes your stand-up and your podcast has pulled me out of it and helped me out of that. And I wanted to thank you. And I was wondering if you knew that, that it happens.

Now, that's fucking – I'm not trying to – obviously, I know how it happens. Now that's fucking, I'm not trying to, obviously I know how it sounds, but my point is, is that I didn't, I, I, I actually, as stupid as this fucking sounds, like I don't think of that because, you know, I've been depressed before and I've had problems like, uh, you know, but I don't think about comedy really as an escape. I think about it as my, my, my life, you know, I don't think about comedy really as an escape i think about it as my my my life you know i don't turn on a comedy when i want to fucking escape i don't want to escape uh my life is generally good and i'm not usually depressed but he said that and um between that and the weight that I've had this past week, it made me cry and I'm crying right now a little bit, but I'm trying not to, but it made me cry a little bit but i'm trying not to but it made me cry a little bit on stage because um it just made me feel really fucking good and i wanted to thank that guy on the podcast too

uh for telling me that because i didn't think about that that way i didn't think about it that And it made me happy, you know. And I never thought about it truly in that way. Because I just go on stage or I fucking do this podcast and I just fuck around, you know? And it's fucking fun as shit, you know? It's fun. I do it. I say this before and I stand by it. I don't do comedy to make you laugh.

I do it to make me not cry. And I guess it was ironic that it did make me cry in that moment and it's making me cry now on this fucking goddamn comedy podcast and that really fucking made me think man the rest of the weekend because of the fucking shit that i'm going through and because of what he went through and how what i did pulled him out of that. And I started thinking about guys like Will Smith and The Rock and how they're role models and how I feel like I'm entering this new phase in my life where I'm an adult. I'm not 40 or anything. And I always imagine myself as a kid because you're never as old as you feel. I mean you're never as old as – you're not as old cause you're never as old as you feel. I mean, you're never as old as you, you're not as old as you, you're as old as you feel, I guess.

Right. And my, my dad said he still feels fucking young in his head and he looks in the mirror and he sees fucking Dracula or whatever the fuck with gray hair, however old he is 70. He looks in the mirror and he's like, that's that old version of me that I never thought I'd be. But i do feel like i'm entering a new phase in my life and i want to be a fucking i want to be one of those guys or or i look up to those guys and i don't want to be one of these fucking uh you know i i want to be uh um i guess that guy i don't know i don't even know what i'm trying to say i want to be, uh, um, I guess that guy, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I want to be a fucking somebody that I guess people,

uh, don't just, I guess I want to help the world is what I'm saying. Not just in the comedy way. And I didn't think about that. I didn't really think about that until, uh, until this past weekend. Anyway, uh, shit, man. Should we do some Twitter questions or what? Here we go. This is a good question. Ben Wilkins at benny buckets jr who's your all-time favorite

batman joker i like that okay so here's the deal um i think christian bale is a great batman but i also think that uh michael keaton was a fucking michael keaton was like when you're doing casting there's always that casting will do this a lot in production and they'll have um they'll have uh uh the the the one choice that is the funnier choice the one choice that is the look you know and then they'll have the guy who's like the wild card they call it a lot or the interesting choice and you know and then they'll have the guy who's like the wild card they call it a lot or the interesting choice and you know for instance george clooney is just the choice for batman obviously or john ham would be batman you get it christian bale uh more you know uh he's also he's also kind of that choice because he's you can picture him as batman michael keaton you don't

he's though he was definitely the wild card. And Tim Burton had clout and has clout and can do that. So he picked Michael Keaton. And it ended up being really fucking cool and interesting. And I think it worked. So in a way, in that way, because of that, and because Hollywood is always a lot of more of the same, think maybe michael keaton was my favorite but if i'm gonna say best i would maybe maybe say uh maybe say christian bale joker uh i would have to go with jack nicholson just because of how fucking he looks like the joker to, you know, and is and just his whole vibe is jokery with his fucking eyebrows and all that shit. But I'm fucking really excited to see. I think Joaquin Phoenix is.

Borderline, the wild card choice of the Joker, especially the way they have him do it. It just the pictures that we've seen of him and all that. It makes it look like it's really interesting and kind of has got a sadness to it. See, that's the thing, man. None of the Jokers yet have had a sense of sadness to them. And I don't think that you need that in a comic book or if you're going to do the Batman that Val Kilmer did, right? That's just a comic book version of it. did right that's just a comic book version of it but um you know the one that heath ledger played uh was great uh it just uh you know and i don't want to be one of those guys that like oh yeah

fucking because it's real it's good because it's real like i don't fucking agree with that movies where it's like oh yeah try to make it there's this whole fucking thing going on now where it's like oh the realer the more real it is the better it's like i don't fucking agree with that. Movies where it's like, oh, yeah, try to make it. There's this whole fucking thing going on now where it's like, oh, the more real it is, the better. It's like, I don't fucking agree with that. Some movies are great and they're not real. Look at fucking Fellini and Stanley Kubrick and David Lynch, you know? None of that shit looks real or seems real at all. And they're great movies. You don't have to fucking act real.

Look at Steve Buscemi and half the shit he does. He's not acting like someone really does. But he's fucking great because you saw the death of Stalin. He's fucking funny and great in that, but he's not acting like how a guy would really act. He's just being a fucking, he's doing the part that is called for in the tone of the movie. Um,

and although I think that, uh, Heath Ledger and also, uh, uh, what's his name? Jared Leto, have done, did that tonally for the movie.

I just don't think that they, you know, if you're, although this is the Joker movie, so you do want to see more of his rounded character in this movie. So maybe that's why it does seem like it's like that. I can't fault the other guys. I mean, I like all the Batman movies. I really do. I watch every Batman movie,

and I find all of them entertaining or good or great. Next one. Alex Lamb. Okay, yeah, he asked me about this. I saw this. When you put your stance socks on, do you have the icon on the outside or inside of your ankle? This one's like on the inside.

Aren't they? See, I get confused. Some of them are in different places. Some of them are only on the right side of the pair. Some of them are on the inside. And you could also put them on the outside if you put them on different socks. I put them on the outside if you have the choice. But I have pairs that are only on the right side.

And I don't know if that was a fuck up or not. But anyway. Yeah, I are only on the right side. And I don't know if that was a fuck up or not. But anyway. Yeah, I'd put them on the outside. So you can fucking get to peak. So you can fucking peak. You like to peak, right? Love looking at ankles.

Chris D'Elia. Corey McGill. At Corey McGill underscore Chris D'Elia. Time for AT&T to step it the fuck up. Yeah. I don't like this kind of fucking cute advertising. AT&T to step it the fuck up. Yeah. I don't like this kind of fucking. Cute. Advertising. AT&T.

More for. More for your thing. That's our thing. Eh. What? That's so vague and dumb. Shit like that makes me want to go with Verizon. More for your thing.

That's our thing. Oh yeah. Okay. What. What what the by the way seriously what the fuck are they talking about more for your thing like more bang for your buck is that what they're saying i i genuinely i genuinely don't know i wonder if that's a campaign that they're starting and we just don't get it yet you know yeah dude AT&T get it to fucking gather dude more for your thing that's our thing

okay um oh this is a good question you know I'm a shoe guy Randall Contrario at say underscore Portuguese no shit you're from fucking Portuguese.

You're Portuguese? Portugal? What do you think of the new Jordan 33s? Congratulations, pod. Okay, I will say this about that. So I'm a big shoe guy. I always know when the fucking new shoes come out and all that shit and I love them. I got my Pumas on right now. The Thunder... I forget what they're called, Thunder something.

Thunder fucking something. Anyway, here I'll show them to you from the video podcast. There you go, my babies. Look at that. I got the fucking nice colors and shit. You wear them with the tight jeans and you fucking show your fucking jeans so tight that your fucking bulge is popping out, dude. It's pretty cool.

I just said I want to be a role model. Now I'm talking about the fucking bulge in my tight jeans. Anyway, what do you think of the new Jordan 33s? Okay, yeah. I think the past fucking 20 Jordans have been, and let me not fucking mince words here, god awful, okay? Ever since, like there are some,

I think there are like one or two pairs of 14s that i would maybe wear i don't like the 13s 12s are fine 11s are cool 10s are good nines are all right eights i like don't even have any but i like they're just so weird sevens uh sixes sure i like them yes they're they're different and cool uh fives tongue is sometimes too big fours threes are great twos and they're fun they're cool ones are the all-time best shoe so but above 14 i mean they got fucking it's's like Ray Charles made these fucking shoes without his hands. Heck, now that's a fucking 12. Michael Jordan, I don't know if you know that, but you owe me $12.95 for that Grand Slam. Hey, Michael Jordan, who signed off on these shoes?

Ray Charles with no hands? Now, welcome. How many in your party, I've got an open booth for you. your party i've got an open booth for you oh fuck i'm 38 um so the new jordans the new jordans are coming around i would maybe wear them once or twice they look cool they're trying to do a little bit of a different thing uh the 32s, 31s, and 30s, they were all kind of like fine, not very memorable. These are just my reviews. What the fuck do I know about shoes? But you asked. So the 33s are all right. I think that they could be coming around onto something, you know? So that's what's up. Any other questions? Or is that

it? Well, that... Here, wait, wait. Oh, yeah, they told me about Akon. Akon is 5'11", even though I said he's 4'2". Well, convict music. I grew. Maybe he finally went through puberty. Hey, what the fuck? Now he's just like, convict music.

Just so fucking... Oh, yeah, we can't sell albums why because he sounds like that fucking sad clown that sad clown that sings was that guy what a wicked thing to he's saying that shit i have it here hold on i have it on my not not chris isaac i mean i know that's a chris isaac song but this fucking thing right here um cool not coming up here we go here it is here it is uh uh puddles pity party right you ever heard of that this is the new con this is con this is a con and then go superiority And then goes to Puberty. This guy's such a good voice, though, by the way. It's emotional.

Oh. Yeah. You could really sit in the tub and slit your wrist to this song and just feel okay about it. Oh. You know they're gangster when they hit that. That's when they fucking, that's why you sing that song. No, I don't want to fall in love with you. to fall in love with you.

Yadda la. Convict me. What a wicked thing to do. Say that I love you and never gonna fall in love you doodle do sound fucking millions of copies doodle do with you did anybody drop anything I'll pick it up for them I'm right here doodle do do do do do do do Anybody drop anything, I'll pick it up for them. I'm right here. Do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do.

Would you like to try on some large convict jeans? Convict jeans, you know. Convict jeans. You know who's going to be wearing some convict jeans? Suge Knight and Bill Cosby. Now, can I get the convict jeans? Of course, Bill Cosby. Can I get the convict jeans? Of course, Bill Cosby. All right, guys.

I'm going to be in fucking Buffalo, Vermont, and Philly. My baby's you coming out. We got two shows in Philly. And that's how we're going to fucking back up the Brinks truck. Show after show. We got money. We're piling it in to making this fucking studio an actual log cabin. I'm going to get a fucking goddamn bearskin rug and a goddamn fireplace before you fucking know it.

And a beautiful bed. And I'm just going to live here. Thank you, my babies, for listening. Merch is running low. We know that. And we'll be getting new stuff soon. I promise. It may even be tomorrow.

One fire told me it might be tomorrow, but he didn't confirm it. Therefore, one fire could be the next day. We don't know. Go to crystal. Leah.com. Crystal.

Leah.com for follow the leader tickets. Let's see my new tour. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. Tweet me by using the handle. Congrats,

part congrats pod, or by using the hashtag congratulations pod video to videos videos episodes go up tuesdays or wednesdays it'll be wednesday at this point watch my specials and uh thanks man i know i got a little emotional this podcast it's kind of one of my fears it's gonna happen eventually but it did anyway um thanks for listening I really appreciate it bye Thank you.