Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 88. That Top Note

Episode Date: October 2, 2018

It's the 88th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about Kawhi Leonard and his amazing laugh. Also discussed: Tekashi 6ix9ine (of course), Kanye on SNL, DJ Pooh, JR Smith and his Supreme tattoo, that ice cream tester guy, method acting and performances, and Phil Knight and his book. Plus, there's a NEW TMFUIPOTW & Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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download the cash app for free on the app store or google play market crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy And blast off my babies. Blast off my babies. Dude, I got an email from my... Let's go over. So before we even get started, I want to talk about my tour coming up. Well, coming up. It's been going on, but the Follow the Leader Tour.

Miami is coming up. So all the Miami babies. We got a few tickets left. I'm assuming it's going to sell out. It's a big venue, but you might want to get your tickets now. Go to crystalia.com and get tickets for the Follow the Leader Tour. We've got Miami coming up, so the Miami Babies, we need those South Florida Cuban Babies to come on out and wear your CUDA shirts. Your no CUDA shirts, rather.

We've got a bunch of dates. I just got emailed from my manager and my agent that a lot of these dates are selling out. The New York, Washington, D.C., Montclair, New Jersey, Portland, Snoqualmie, they're all sold out. One of the Vancouver ones is sold out. The other show in Vancouver has a few tickets left. West Palm Beach, Florida, Jacksonville, Florida, Atlanta, Georgia, there's still some tickets left on the second show. Los, Jacksonville, Florida, Atlanta, Georgia,

there's still some tickets left on the second show. Los Angeles, California, we just added a new show. We're at the wheel turn twice now. Your boy, the LA babies come out, man. We really grassroots did up in this LA market. San Francisco, Boston, that's all gone. Adding a show tomorrow in Medford to the bigger theater. We did four Wilbur shows, and they're all sold out. That's amazing. Boston has love. The cult is strong in Boston.

Fresno, California, Bakersfield, California, Austin, Texas, San Antonio, Texas. We've got a bunch of these shows coming up. Get your tickets now because they're most likely – I mean all the shows have been selling out. So get on there. Miami Babies, you're up next. So here we are.

We are in the – we're in October, babies. Are you feeling spooky? Are you feeling spooky? We're in October, babies. Are you feeling spooky? Are you feeling spooky? I wonder how many people are going to go as Takashi 6ix9ine. She's fucking so weirdly sexy.

You know what I mean? I hope she finds a fucking good guy soon. But she's... Takashi 6ix9ine is just so – you know a lot of people are going to put that 6ix9ine on their fucking head and then go as Takashi 6ix9ine. They're going to get the 6ix9ine on their head. They're going to do the rainbow bright hair and they're going to put some – some guys are going to put some fake titties in and they're going to go as fucking Takashi 6ix9ine. And I'll tell you what, dude. that's going to be a fucking popular costume let me ask you a question hey sinkashi69 why the fuck are you always so angry you've got you've got it you made it baby

you know yeah you've got rainbow bright hair you do whatever the fuck you want you got tats all over your body six nine is all over your body but let me ask you pretty little lady why the fuck are you so angry every video i see of you on world star or whatever the fuck you've got billions of dollars you've got a ferrari painted like the fucking like like it like the whoever made the artwork for the yellow submarine of the Beatles you're riding across uh Dubai and you're always like is you fucking stupid why are you so mad to Kansi why are you so mad Kriplanchi why are you so upset you made it you've got 80 million dollars you so upset? You made it. You've got $80 million. You're giving money to your mom.

You've got a great mother-daughter relationship. What the fuck's wrong, man? You got props? Why are you so upset? That's what I want to know. Kriplanchi Samfine, I want to know why you're so upset. What's the deal? What is it?

Every fucking video. You motherfucker. Is you stupid? You thought I couldn't have a number one song? Who thought that? I didn't even think about you. Why are you such an upset little girl? Yo, you stupid?

You thought I couldn't have a number one song? You thought I, these motherfuckers thought I couldn't do it? Is you stupid? Is thought I, these motherfuckers thought I couldn't do it? Is you stupid? Is you stupid, man? You thought I couldn't, motherfucker, I got on the American billboard, I made a Spanish song.

Is you stupid? I got number one. I hit the billboard speaking in Spanish on the American billboard. Is you fucking stupid? And then he'll do a video like, it's real important for you to love your daughter.

Don't be stupid. Is you stupid? Car Blanche in 75, why you so mad? That's what I want to know, man. Be okay. Be happy. One day you'll find a good man and you'll be so fucking happy you'll

make a great housewife right now thought it up on the instagram why do you what what what is up these rappers and then they're like why do they get robbed dude they they walk around with a gucci bag full of fucking seventy thousand dollars and they're like and then the next thing you hear is got robbed. Walking around with a bulletproof vest on. They can avoid all this shit. It's hilarious. Walking around with a bulletproof vest on carrying $70,000.

Hey, don't carry $70,000. You won't need to put on a bulletproof vest. God. The fact that hip-hop became not about the music anymore is just increíble. Is this stupid? I'm doing a podcast talking in Spanish? Increíble? I'm trying.

Is this stupid? I'm top 10. I'm top 20. I hit number 14 on a comedy podcast. Is this stupid? I'm saying this is increíble? You don't even understand what I'm talking about on a comedy podcast. Is you stupid? I'm saying this incredibly. You don't even understand what I'm talking. This is stupid.

My pussy's wet, dog. Anyway, shout out to fucking Krumploochie Taitstein. But also, you know, if you're going to get it, I love how people are how people are like I have a buddy who was like I went all out and got all the tattoos all over my body Because I knew it would fucking make me head on into music But somebody was like I don't remember who it was It was like

I think it was that guy Kodak Black And he was like No I don't think it was him But it was somebody that has tattoos all over the face And they were like Yeah no, I don't think it was him, but it was somebody that has tattoos all over the face. And they were like, yeah, I got tattoos on my face because I knew that it would make me not get a real job and do music and be successful in music.

And then somebody replied, hey, just don't apply for a job. Imagine being that hardcore and being like, well, shit, man, I certainly don't want to fucking, I certainly don't want to fucking i certainly don't want to work retail guess i gotta fucking go go get a cross in between my eyes i don't want to i don't want to do retail guess i gotta go fucking get the the saw puppet on my cheek tattoo tattooed on my cheek ah tenkamchi six nabins has fucking the uh saw puppet on a tricycle on his cheek is that takashi 69 or is that the fucking guy who's that other guy um skittles what's his fucking name? That's the fucking guy's name? Who's the guy?

Stitches. Oh yeah, it's TekashiSeps9. Stitches, dude. That guy. Stitches is a guy who has the fucking... Who had the beef with the game and then the game fucking knocked him out. You know? He's got Tupac tattooed on his forehead and also a teddy bear.

How ironic is that, man? How fucking silly is that, man? Ah, cool, man. So you're hardcore and you're also, but you got a soft heart, though? I love how these rappers are like, yo, man. They make all these songs like, fuck this, fuck that. But then they're like, but Joe, you got to make this song. It's like, yo, I'm a real person.

I love that shit, dude. When rappers are like, yo, I made this music, you know. It's about getting deeper and it's about me speaking to really who I truly am. And then it's like, they have a song and it's like,

bitch, leave your back door open. Bitch, leave your back door open. Bitch, leave your back door open. I'm about to skeet, skeet, skeet in your anus. And it's like, yeah, but I got a full heart dog you know i'm just trying to grow with my music that's what they say all the time that's what they say all the time i'm just trying to grow as an artist you know trying to grow as an artist skeet skeet skeet in your anus skeet skeet skeet in your anus

all my little soldiers in your anus splat splat splat in your anus. All my little soldiers in your anus. Splat, splat, splat in your anus. Cream, pod. Just trying to grow with the music, you know what I mean? Leave your back door open, bitch. Leave your back door open. I fuck you, fuck your mama. It's so fucked, you know? Hey, holy cat. It's just incredible. It's just incredible it's just incredible it's incredible is you stupid uh it's incredible is you stupid um

i don't know man i just uh i think that uh hip-hop is just fucking insane. Hey, Lil Pump. Huh? Hey, Kanye. Huh? Kanye with his fucking MAGA hat. Dude, he had his MAGA hat and then DJ Pooh put under the Instagram, music ain't getting attention. That was hilarious, I thought.

That was the fucking ultimate fucking burn. Like such a hardcore burn to be like MAGA and then Kanye's like, and then DJ Poo writes, music ain't getting attention. That's some fucking, that's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. Dude, remember DJ Poo? You guys probably don't, man. He had that one song anyway horrible representation of it but really good in my head

you ever do that with your friend though you're like oh no it's a song that goes like fucking you know and then you do this song whatever it is and they're like i don't know if i heard it and you're like no here it is and you play it and you're like that's what i was doing you're like no it wasn't you fucking idiot you're tone deaf um but yeah uh kanye west on snl Yeah, Kanye West on SNL. It's so crazy that he's just like talking about it. Oh, man. And then I saw a meme about George Bush's face. And then on the top it said, Kanye West does not care about black people.

Like how fucking Kanye West said that about George Bush. Dude, it's so crazy that fucking Kanye West is so – it's actually kind of – I think he's got a real problem, man. He's obviously bipolar or something. The guy's got to get some help, man. I mean, you know. I guess he seems... He's doing okay. He's making money and he's got a good family, I guess.

I don't know. He's got a fucking kid and then a good wife or whatever. Huh? I'm not sure. Is it... Huh? It may be... It may be a drive-by.

But I'm not sure. I don't know he's trolling but he's been trolling man he's been trolling everything he does he's like I mean he dressed up as fucking Perrier worst outfit of all time I mean dude he had the fucking boxy shoulders and then dressed up as Perrier and Lil Pump dressed up as Fiji. I don't know. I don't know anymore, man. And then he gave that speech after Saturday Night Live and like four people clapped. And there were hundreds of people in the audience.

He was talking about Donald Trump and one guy was just like. But hip-hop is fucking crazy gone, dude. It's so out to lunch. It's so out to lunch because of Kamplachi Picks 9 and fucking guys like Kodak Blanc. Dude, Kodak Black. Dude, Kodak Black. How about, did you guys see the fucking, the basketball player? What's his name?

Who did the laugh? The meme? Kawe Leonard. By the way, I didn't know. Here's how much a personality matters in basketball. I didn't know who he was. And apparently, he's a superstar player. But guys like LeBron and even other guys, Steph Curry, they developed a personality.

What's his name? Kawe what? Kawe Leonard. Kawai? Hawaii? The fucking... I'm going to play this. Hawaii Leonard. Laugh.

I'm going to play this laugh for you if you don't know about it. But Jesus Christ. Sounds like the most insecure Jay-Z of all time. Yourself and what would you like people to know about you? Here we go. Listen. I'm a fun guy. Oh, really? Obviously, I love the game of basketball.

I'm a fun guy. I mean, there's just more questions you have to ask me in order for me to tell you about myself. Look, let me tell you something, first of all, before we get into the insecure laugh. This guy plays basketball. I respect this guy. He doesn't give a fuck about this shit. He doesn't have necessarily an outgoing, crazy fucking superstar personality. But whatever.

He doesn't need to. He's all about the basketball. Apparently, he's one of the best in the game. Props to this fucking guy. Props to this guy also for doing this. They were probably like, get out there and do the thing. They they were like what do you want people to know about you and he says i'm a fun guy i'm a fun guy every note is the same if you're talking and every note is the same dude talking is musical you know what i mean when i'm talking i go up i say oh this kind of shit and

then i go like down i say hey man no no no, nah, nah, nah. What the fuck is all of it? Let up. Really all I'm doing is hypnotizing you. Right? You learn how to say certain stuff. As a comedian, you think about that all the time. You go,

you talk about this, oh, nah, nah, nah. And then, bah, ha,

ha, ha, ha, everyone laughs. This guy's just like, I'm a fun guy. Of course. It's not going to work.

You're not going to get people on your side personality-wise. Now, here is the rest of the... I just can't give you a whole spiel. Oh, my God. In order for me to tell you about myself, I just can't give you a whole spiel. Oh, it's a robot. In order for me to tell you about myself, I just can't give you a full spiel unless you ask specific questions. I don't even know where you're sitting at.

Oh, that laugh. I mean, it's just more questions you have to ask me in order for me to tell you about myself. I just can't give you a whole spiel. I don't even know where you're sitting at. In order where you're sitting at, I just don't even know where you're sitting at. That was the best part. That was the part where you realize, oh, I just, I don't even know where you're sitting at. That was the best part. That was the part where you realize, oh, wash my hands of this. Do you know what I mean?

He was just like, you know, in order to tell you what I'm like, you got to get more specific. I just can't give you a full spill. I don't even know where you're sitting at. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, man, you're a robot. Let's listen to that whole thing again, how robotic it is. How crazy is it to have a personality? But that's what they said about Steph Curry in the beginning, and that dude lit it up.

Yourself, and what would you like people to know about you? First of all, speak into the mic. I'm a fun guy. Obviously, I love the game of basketball. I mean, it's just more questions you have to ask in order for me

to tell you about myself. I just can't give you a whole spiel. I don't even know where you're sitting at. Commence laughter. I mean, dude. You got to see the video, too. You got to see his mouth, dude. It's weird as fuck.

It looks like a Simpson all of a sudden. He looks like what he looks like when that guy at fucking at the drunk in the Simpsons burps. When it goes blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all the fucking. When it goes blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all the fucking, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Like 24 maybe? That's the thing, man. When I was 22, I remember being at – before I did stand-up and before I became a fucking thick-skinned individual because of bombing for so much. I got construction in the house. Sorry. If you hear it, fucking whatever.

Disrespectful. But he's 27 years old. When I was 22, I remember I broke up with a girl. A girl broke up with me, broke my heart then i was like you know what i am gonna go out i'm gonna go but it was like come on come out let's go let's go hang out we'll get you we can talk to some chicks you know we'll get you out fucking it'll be good and i'm like all right i don't really like going out but i'll go out to this bar went out to this bar called nicks in beverly hills and it was a party that he knew everybody there and i didn't know anybody there and there was this really cute girl there and I thought she looked like Britney

Spears and this is back when Britney Spears was like the fucking hottest you know the the number one fucking to me the archetype of like oh my god the hottest chick ever so uh so I was like she was in our conversation I was like what do I say to this girl in my head I was like what do I do how do I talk and then I would say things and every time i said something i was like how come these fucking words are coming out of my mouth i don't want to sound like this but every single time she said something she'd be like cool what else this and that and i'd be like basically it's weird i was 22 then I got on stage, started bombing a lot, and then didn't give a fuck about anything. That laugh literally sounds more like busting a nut than laughing. It actually does.

Unbelievable. The whole spill. I don't even know where you're sitting at. God damn, I want to hang out with that guy and make him laugh all day long. So funny. Did you see the Kavanaugh thing that Matt Damon did? The fucking hardest laugh is when he came out and they were like, Mr. Kavanaugh. And he just goes, what?

That shit made me laugh so hard. Anyway, back to the fucking Cowie Leonard's laugh speaking of basketball though how about fucking is it J.R. Smith is that the guy's name the 75 year old in the NBA right that guy dude got this shit was the best He got a supreme tattoo, dude, on his calf, all right? And they're going to find him. Keep that up. They're going to find him every game it's exposed. What a fucking dunce.

fucking dunce hey jr smith you can't freely advertise shit on your body when millions people are gonna watch you when you play for fucking corporate and dude this is what he said on the thing so i was informed today that i would be by the, like he's educating us. Hey man, we know. So I was informed today that I would be fined every game if I didn't cover up my Supreme tattoo on my leg during games, crying face emoji, crying face emoji, crying face emoji, crying, laughing. These people in the league office are something else. Middle finger. Hey man, no, you're in the wrong. How can you be that stupid? It's one thing to be like, I'm going to get the tattoo anyway. Fuck them.

But how can you possibly get the Supreme tattoo, not realize you're going to be fine, then when you're going to get fined, get indignant about it like, oh, these motherfuckers are something else dude you work for them there's a fucking dress code for christ's sake i mean what the fuck how can someone you know what that how can someone honestly give you a whole spill how can someone i don't even know what you think that this is what i think dude how can you think that i don't even know what you're sitting there

dude you you're a man i'm to get a Supreme tattoo on my leg. Oh, cool. Hey, the NBA is going to find me. What? Are you fucking kidding me? These motherfuckers are something else. The whole world. His laugh sounds like he's in Rewind.

Dude, J.R. Smith is something else, man. That's hilarious. Hey, man, you got a Supreme tattoo. That's a company. You're playing for a company. You can't do that. Loving it, dude. Dude, loosey-goosey time.

That's all. I'm down for a silly goose time, and that's it. Is that what I said?y time that's all i'm down for a silly i'm down for a fucking silly goose time and that's it is that what i said i think that's what i said how about this man if you're watching the video podcast you get to see our new artwork man we just got the fucking eagle right there it's not really a tired eagle but it shows up it shows you know in reference to that we still got the cuda and we got the fucking congratulations log cabin signed by kathleen somebody i think i still gotta look really shitty and disrespectful she made a nice artwork i hung it up and i fucking gotta check the fucking handle anyway i was in um philly dude

these fucking shows have been awesome i'm really happy i was in oh well let me say okay i was in where was i first buffalo yeah buffalo great show vermont it was okay philly two shows sold out but a bing bada boom they were great they were awesome dude they were awesome we had a great time in philly uh and everybody was fucking they were great they dude philly comes i love philly i wish i did more shows in Philly. They both sold out early on. I could have done probably more. But it was at a casino. Fucking clickety-clank, clickety-clank. The money goes into my piggy bank.

Clickety-clank, clickety-clank. More money, more money. With these casinos. You remember that song by fucking 50 Cent? Dude, how white is it, by the way, 50 cent 50 cent that shit when i heard fucking white people do that i would get so angry when 50 cent first came out no but it's 50 cent no it's not you're being a fucking idiot clickety clank clickety clank the money goes into my picky My piggy bank. 50 cent. This shit made me laugh so hard, dude. This song.

Gotta get, I gotta get, I gotta get fucking goddamn YouTube red, man. All these fucking ads. I gotta get it. I gotta get it. One fire. Make me get it afterwards. Doesn't matter. I could get fucking YouTube red right now and it wouldn't make a fucking dent.

Dude, you think I can't fucking afford? Here it is. Oh, dude. Come on. Go to the fucking. The money goes into my piggy bank. Oh, my God. oh my god oh come on my knife touch your skin my knife cut your skin

i love how rappers rap about this shit and literally it never happens rappers rap about this shit and literally it never happens where's the where he goes more money that's a cool part more more money more money when he does that part here right here god i don't know where the fuck it is Anyway, he does that, I can't find it, but Clickety clank, clickety clank The money goes into my piggy bank Oh my god Anyway, I did fucking two shows at this casino

At the Sugar House, and it was awesome, dude The guys were so nice Um, so come out to see The Follow the Leader Tour And if you do, if you come out to the follow the leader tour i guarantee to make you laugh realer than this oh shit man isn't it amazing what could just happen all of a sudden and then it's a huge thing like that fucking kawaii leonard shit that's awesome dude you're just living life

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it's good for you um i had to turn the bladeless fan up a little bit because daddy's getting the fucking a little bit of some uh you know uh beads dripping down the black diamond ski course uh so anyway uh i was i came home from uh the the I came home from the weekend from Buffalo, Vermont, and Philly. And this guy came up to me as I was waiting for my bags. First of all, Mario Lopez was on my flight. I know him. I didn't know until we were leaving, and I feel bad. I hope he didn't think I was trying to fucking not say hi to him. I actually tried to get his eye contact, wave at him, but he had on these fucking aviator sunglasses.

I don't know where he was looking, so I just looked like a fucking fool waving at somebody that's like more famous than me. And somebody, and people probably saw. And they're like, okay, we're in the fame club, right? No? Okay, never mind.

People are just, oh yeah, no. People looked at me like, you're not as famous as that guy. Yeah, yeah, no, I know, I know. I thought I knew him. It's all good. We actually did a movie together,

but anyway, it doesn't matter. So, so he was on flight, and I was in the baggage claim waiting for my shit, waiting for my fucking way too many bags. And this guy came up to me, and he was like, hey, man, we met through yada yada. Didn't even remember who the fuck person was that we met through, but it didn't matter. And I was like, oh, cool. We started talking, and he was like, is there any way?

And we started talking. We're talking business. Now we're talking business. The guy's trying to fucking approach me about business, which is fine. It's not how you do it, but it didn't matter. And I was like, oh, cool. We started talking, and he was like, is there any way? And we started talking. We're talking business. Now we're talking business. The guy's trying to fucking approach me about business, which is fine. It's not how you do it, but it's fine. And this fan comes up, and he's like, hey, man, immediately, in the middle of me talking, can I get a picture? And I say, oh, yeah, give me one second, man.

I'm talking to, I'm in the middle of something. And he goes like this and walks away like dude what I'm in the middle of a conversation you interrupted us and me in the middle of my sentence literally I

say yeah give me a second because I didn't want to be rude to the guy I was talking to and this guy see that's the thing about these fucking cell phone cameras. It happens all the time. People ask for pictures. They don't even know who you are. They just recognize you. Only real fans should ask for a picture, okay?

And don't come up and be like, hey, sorry to bother you because you're not. Just do it quick. If you're you're not. Just do it quick. If you're going to do it, do it quick. I get it. You want to pick? Cool. I'm happy to oblige, right? But this guy was such an asshole.

Like, yeah, I want to pick but not bad enough to wait around like, you know, like can I interrupt you now? Like that's the problem with fucking people who want pictures, man. It was so fucking egregious and he was such an ass. And I was trying to be polite to the fucking guy I was talking to. You got to be so nice and friendly. Otherwise, people think that you're a dick anyway. So it's not even worth it, man.

Half the people I take pictures with come out. They're like, oh, man. I don't know. I think that people feel like I should be happy that they're asking me for my picture, I guess. I don't know. I'm happy they know who I am. I'm happy that they're fans. But I think most of the people who ask for pictures from me, they're not even fans.

They just, like, want to get a picture to put it on Instagram to show people that they got it. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, it was fucking unbelievable that that guy did that. That was amazing. I don't know. I don't even know anymore. Dude, have you guys seen that fucking video? The fucking ice cream video?

Of the ice cream taster? Where the guy... This is one cream taster. Where the guy. This is one of the best videos on the internet. And I can't believe I never talked about this before. But I fucking was sending it. We were talking to the group chat. And. It was just fucking.

Come on man. It was just fucking unbelievable. Ice cream test taster. Ice cream test taster. Ice cream taster. Dude, he keeps doing that. It's gross. Now, that's a 10. This guy right here.

So in tasting, what we do is take a small amount right off the top. First of all, this guy is an ice cream taster. That's his fucking job. He tastes ice cream, and it's so fucking cocksucker, I can't even believe it. Let's just start this over again. First of all, so in tasting, what we do is, Sikak number one, we. Hey, buddy, this is you.

Anytime someone refers to themselves as we, flagrant cockfowl. Flagrant cockfowl. Okay? You might be talking to a fucking cocksucker. And I don't mean that in a gay way. I just mean you're a cocksucker. Flagrant cockfowl number one. Take much. That's the warmest part right here. I'm going to invert the spoon. Okay. He talks about inverting the spoon. it's his goddamn innovation and idea.

Flagrant cockfile. That's two flagrant cockfiles in the middle. By the way, it's been 11 seconds. So let's go. Here we go. Here we go. So in tasting, what we do is take a small amount right off the top. It doesn't take much. That's the warmest part right here. I'm going to off the top. It doesn't take much.

That's the warmest part right here. I'm going to invert the spoon. Okay, okay, okay. He starts off with mmm. Now, I will say, here's the deal. If you take a taste of something and you go, mmm, that's okay.

It's okay. It's a natural kind of thing. Mmm, that's good. Mmm, mmm, that's good. Right?

If you go like that, you're a fucking asshole. Okay? I wouldn't say it's a cock. Cover all 9,000 taste buds. Oh, so cock saying that there's 9,000 taste buds and wants you to know that he knows. So flagrant cockfile number three. Covers all 9,000 taste buds.

Aerate it. Aerate it. I mean, how could this guy be such a fucking... Also, couldn't look more like a fucking allergist The guy couldn't look more like the guy I went to go When I thought I was allergic to something I went to go see what I was allergic to Because I fucking broke out

And this is the guy This is what he looks like By the way Go fuck yourself with your white lab coat Dude what it looks like so in tasting what we do is take a small amount right by the way go fuck yourself with your white lab coat dude what's up with ice cream guys treating it like it's surgery every time you see a an ice cream guy like on on a fucking some sort of news brief or like some kind of thing where you're like learning about ice cream the guy's always got a fucking lab coat on like he should like like he's a fucking physician and he's always got a fucking lab coat on like he's a fucking

physician and he's always wearing a fucking Patch Adams bow tie. Go fuck yourself, dude. Hey, man, you're not a pharmacist. You're tasting, you fucking fat slob. Even if you're not a fat slob, you're a fat slob because you taste. That's what you do. Your job is going like this. Aeriate it. You fucking cock. Invert the spoon. What we're going to want to do is invert the spoon, and we're going to want to aerate it. Dude, are you a gopher?

You're a gopher in a lab coat. It doesn't take much. That's the warmest part right here. I'm going to invert the spoon. Cover all 9,000 taste buds. Aerate it. Warm it up. Driving up.

That top note. Oh! Oh! Driving up. With his hand on his fucking brain, driving up, driving up that top note. Oh, that top note. Like it's a symphony of flavors. You know, he said that before too. Well, it's a symphony of flavor of flavors. You know he said that before too. Well, it's a symphony of flavor, of flavors. Dude, go. First of all, take off your goddamn lab coat. Do it shirtless so you can show us. So you can show us that belly that the ice cream gave you. Shirtless. If you're an ice cream taster,

you got to go fucking shirtless, dude. Otherwise, you ain't shit. Jaw rule it up, baby. Be the fucking jaw rule it up. Go shirtless, man the fucking burt kreischer of fucking eating ice cream do not put a shirt on pure vanilla sweeteners that's a 10 i mean how many times does he... Let's count. I want somebody to count. How many times does that? A true baby needs to count. So in tasting, what we do is take a small amount right off the top.

We need to count. It doesn't take much. That's the warmest part right here. I'm going to invert the spoon. Cover all 9,000 taste buds. Oh, my God. Aerate it it warm it up driving up that top note that cream pure vanilla sweeteners here's just a 10 there's this thing there's this catch price you know

there's that's a 10 that's what he was he waits the whole time to do that that's a 10 and then listen to how many times he does it after that's a 10 that's what he was he waits the whole time to do that that's a 10 and then listen to how many times he does it after that's a 10 when he's done tasting by the way here right here that's a 10 oh one two three four five six seven eight he does it seven times after he says that's a 10 that's a 10 so gross jerking off you know that's a 10 that's what he does after he busts his nut after he burbers he goes that's a 10 that's what that whole video he's got a gold spoon if you didn't understand he was a cocksucker yet a cock he's got a gold spoon i like to think that

he keeps that fucking dumbass spoon in his fucking lab coat. And just whenever he needs it. Do you need me to taste? Okay, here we go. Open it up. Let me taste it. Now invert the spoon. We're going to want to invert the spoon.

Now taste it. Aerated. That top note. Symphony of flavor. Now pure vanilla. Sweetener. That's a 10. That's a 10. That's a 10.

Dude, it's so gross. The whole fucking thing is so gross, dude. Imagine being a fucking ice cream taster. You're gross. You know he went to college, too. Like, he went to fucking University of fucking West Virginia or some shit, and they just this fucking dude jobs that aren't jobs are the best you know like fucking jobs that aren't jobs

should only be in movies how about movies like that though about that like that like the movie hitch you know i i movies like that drive me nuts where there's a fake job where it's like yeah i get people get together people that get together you look at to to get a girlfriend i'll find one for you like that's not a job dude there's online dating sites hitch okay so he's a guy who it's his job to find a fucking mate for another guy and then there's that one scene where he's like, hey man, I need you to help me get laid. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Get laid?

That's not what this is about. So the movie has some fucking heart. Get out of town, dude. And then there's that fucking movie, that Kevin Hart one. Is it the wedding ringer where he's like, where he's like trying to be, where he's the best man, where he's the best man where he's the best man like that's

a job that's not a job the whole fucking movie's about i was supposed to be in that movie and i couldn't do it because of scheduling so i probably shouldn't i'm not talking shit about it i'm sure it's fucking funny but uh it's so funny it's also directed by my friend. So, oops. But it killed. It killed at the fucking box office. I'm sure it's hilarious. But it's so funny, man.

The movie's about, it's like, yeah, dude, make a movie about a guy who's fucking, fuck, I'm not going to be able to think of something. My comedy mind, you know? I don't know. Whatever. All I'm trying to say is Irriate it Dude that fucking thing is hilarious

We have You know what we have That you guys are probably going to maybe like here That we haven't had in a while We've got A most fucked up Instagram post of the week You guys It's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. You guys, it's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh.

The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. Gone. All right, guys. It's been a while since we've had a most fucked up Instagram post of the week, but boy, do we have a good one today. As a matter of fact, I saw this. For some reason, I saw it.

I don't even remember how I saw it. And when I did see it, I thought, we got to revive most fucked up Instagram posts of the week, which we haven't done in a while. So that's how fucked up this one is. This is the most fucked up Instagram post of the past however long it's been. Not going to tell you the guy's fucking name because I don't want to blast him out.

But this is what the poster is of. Him kicking back on the roof of a building, and he's got one foot up on the wall, and one hand up on his face, and one hand holding his sunglasses to his side. And his hair is blowing in the wind, and he's got a perfect amount of fucking facial hair. We are living. We are young. Let's just seize the moment and talk about the rest later. Let's do everything we want. It's illegal. Let's do anything they call forbidden. It's illegal. Let's discover everything they don't describe as normal. Let's breathe and live our lives entirely. We are blessed to be alive and we all have the opportunity to do everything we want.

No, we don't. So you win. Hey, dude, turn around. Step outside. Say, yeah, he killed. Now that's a congratulations combo. I didn't realize you just what's that? What is that? is that sausage is pancakes eggs oh dude let me take your order because you're at denny's and you just got served an all-american grand slam that'll be 998 let's do he's everything we don't describe as normal in the meantime the fucking post couldn't be more normal couldn't be more normal I don't know man un-fucking-believable these people the most Instagram

most fucked up Instagram post of the week uh yeah you know what we also are going to do a new elder that's what we're going to do and here's what we're going to do we're going to take this fucking sign off here and we're going to give since i've been disrespecting the shit out of this chick because i haven't said her name right we're going to uh give her eldership for for making decor for the log cabin studio here. Her name is Catherine R. Hutchinson.

Now, she's probably got an Instagram or something. I thought it was on the back here. It's not, but it says, For Crystalia, from your true baby, Catherine R. Hutchinson. That's what it says back there, showing you on the fucking video podcast. So I'm not going to be able to hang this back up again because I'm a piece of shit, but I did it. Okay, cool. So you're an elder.

Thank you very much for your dedication and for your artwork in helping us secure a beautiful visual representation for our podcast because this is, this is great. this is exactly what what an elder uh what you get for it we don't need to do outlandish shit like take a shit on your neighbor's patio and in the name of you know the cult you don't need to do some crazy shit you also don't need to do that much work but this person i remember they told me katherine katherine told me that she uh did it while listening to my podcast in between. I think she said she was a driver or something, and she'd do it while she was waiting for her clients or some shit like that.

I think that's what she said. Anyway, very cool, and thank you for that. And you are now an elder. We're growing this cult strong, you guys. We really are growing this cult strong you guys we really are growing this cult strong uh we're trying to do this and you guys are keep keep coming out keep coming to the shows and uh that's it that's what's up um where we at we're at 50 minutes we could fucking keep going do you guys hear the construction by the way i don't know maybe not um actually that's a great fucking thing to talk about uh right there we got twitter

questions here that's a great one though uh drew at what is it drew chains that's what that says drew train drew chains how bitch are those scooters people ride when they break their foot yeah that's actually really bitch i mean dude you know what i'm talking about where you put your knee up on the pad and you fucking wheel around like an invalid or you're just wheeling around like a fucking asshole like just take it take a seat just relax have someone else go get you some shit we got the basket in the front of the fucking handle. You know who's going to be riding around in these things for real soon? Rappers.

Rappers are going to be fucking in their videos with these bitch ass, I don't even know what you call them, bitch ass fucking, if you break your ankle or break your foot, just sit the fuck down. Get crutches. I saw somebody in crutches walk into a coffee shop the other day, and they went to go grab the door real fast. They gave up on their crutches and just started walking. That's the other thing too.

If you're going to fucking need crutches, use crutches. Don't fucking – don't show me you don't need crutches. If you have crutches under your armpit, you better be using them. This fucking idiot just was using crutches, and then the door was closing at the coffee bean and then he just just started holding it and ran towards the door and opened it you don't need them so it doesn't need it so it doesn't need it i swear to god complachi690, he's going to have,

she's going to have one of those soon. Okay, Nick, at howbitch underscore sabitch. I mean, you know, obviously listen to the podcast. What do you think the best acting performance of all time is?

Mine is Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. Yeah, I mean, it's great. He's great in that. Never saw it. Yeah, he's so good in that. Never fucking saw one in one fucking little bit of it but yeah he's great that's great i agree with you never saw it fucking um but yeah good job i actually know if a movie's gonna be good

or not before i fucking see it i don't need to see it or not you know what i mean i saw brave heart i knew exactly how good it was gonna be it was great never want to see it again it was a fucking great movie i had a buddy in high school that used to watch braveheart all the time that's weird to watch a movie like that over and over again hey man it's not swingers it's not fucking wedding crashers you know what i mean how many times you got a yellow guy how many times you got to uh uh see a guy scream freedom while he's getting his fucking nuts sawed off uh the ones that come to mind are christian bale in the fighter at the end when he's given the interview and talking about mark walberg and he just all of a sudden starts crying for no fucking reason hey it's good here's the other thing too man these actors that like lose weight and gain weight and all that shit stop

let the fucking fat guy get the role. Let the skinny guy get the role. It drives me nuts. These fucking actors. Just play the role you're going to play, dude. Play the role that looks like you. When you get, you know, when it's like, who's he playing? Who's the guy, the Enron, not the Enron guy, but the fucking Halliburton guy.

The vice, was it a vice president or what the fuck was his? The bald guy. Yeah. No. Christian Bale's playing him. But it's like Chaney. No, not Chaney. That's the fucking guy that died, right?

Chaney, Dick Chaney. Who am I thinking fucking guy that died, right? Cheney. Dick Cheney. Who am I thinking of? The guy who couldn't get his arms up. John McCain. So disrespectful. War vet. So disrespectful. Prisoner of war.

So disrespectful. Was great for our country. So disrespectful. Called the guy who couldn't put his arms up. So disrespectful. Anyway, Dick Cheney's playing. I think Christian Bale is playing Dick Cheney. Yeah.

Like, hey, don't. Hey, man. Let Tom Hanks do it. Hey, man. You know? He just got fat and shaved his head. So weird. But I think Christian Bale's up there with greatest actors. For sure.

Of now, for sure. Of all time, maybe, even. That guy's fucking amazing. And handsome. And he's good looking. What's God doing divvying out all this shit um but dick cheney i don't know i don't know it always kind of part of me wants to see like you know how tom tom hanks is playing mr rogers and and the picture of mr rogers he looks so much like Mr. Rogers. It's just like part of me wants to be like,

just stop. Take just don't just let him do it. Why do you have to dye his hair? Why I could do all this? I don't know what it is about that. That fucking bugs me. I guess because deep down I think of it. It's just bullshit. You know, I know you're making stories that are great

and mean a lot to people, but it's just like dude, you're just making a fucking movie you know it's from a company it's like you're just trying you're basically just trying to sell kleenex and you're gonna dress up like mr rogers i don't know i'm not trying to look i'd fucking at the drop of a hat i'd be in the movie i'm not saying but it's like these like they're making a movie i'm reading this book shoe dog by phil mcknight i'm almost done but they're making a movie um about it and you know they're gonna get a guy that looks like phil knight why why nobody knows what fucking phil knight looks like they're gonna get a guy you know what i mean like they're gonna get a side

by side oh he really looks like him who fucking cares get a black guy to do it who gives a shit get an asian guy get a vietnamese guy to play fucking phil phil knight who cares who fucking cares don't even call him phil knight who cares who fucking cares don't even call him phil knight who gives a shit don't even call the company nike who gives a fuck it's about the story it doesn't matter it's not going to be real anyway it's not based on it's based on real life i guess there was a pair there's a paraplegic there was a a fucking paraplegic guy in the movie. Make him walk. Who cares? Who fucking cares?

You know? There was one guy that's 300 pounds that worked on the thing. Who cares? What's it fucking matter? It's about the story. But they're going to do it. They're going to be like, oh, look. Oh, wow.

See, that's the thing. When I posted the thing about how that guy oscar isaacs is that his name the actor is oscar isaac that's what my mom does it pluralizes every last name you know that your friend tim thompson's it's thompson mom yeah whatever anyway he died moms she his wife got pregnant and then that's what my mom does no matter what she'll tell me about a pregnancy a death or somebody got married one time swear to god she said you know fucking lauren stevenson's you mean stevens yeah did you hear what happened no her dad was walking uh went for a walk had a heart attack and died on her wedding day. Really? Yeah. Anyway, she's pregnant too. That's what she said to me.

She hit the fucking trifecta all together. I was like, Jesus Christ. I was like, for a second, I was like, Irrigated. That top note, that's a 10. Unbelievable, dude. So, yeah. So, anyway.

What was I talking about, Phil Knight? Yeah. So I'm reading this book, by the way. I'm getting sidetracked like a motherfucker, but that's what this podcast is about, my babies. You want to be in the cult? We sidetrack and then the motherfucker. So I'm reading this book, Shoe Dog, by Phil Knight, and it's a good book. Everyone flipped out.

It's almost that good. It's almost as good as everyone's saying. It's very my agent gave it to me skak but read it right away skak but um not skak i read it all the way but right away but skak i dropped the fact that my agent gave it to me anyway um i read it i'm reading it i'm almost done i'll be done probably by the time this fucking podcast comes out but um it was a it's fucking podcast comes out. But it's a really good book. And it is a really good book. And it's about this guy, Phil Knight, who started Nike. And it's just incredible.

I love it because this guy, I love hearing about people. I love hearing people who are passionate talk about what they're passionate about i don't give a fuck what it's about it doesn't matter what it's about now i happen to love shoes but this guy all he wanted to do was fucking make shoes he was a runner he was like not one of the best on his team in college but he was a good runner um and he was like look i'm never going to be a fucking track icon. And then he just got in his head that he wants to fucking go to Japan

and work with this company called Tiger Shoes that made track shoes and he wanted to fucking sell them. He wanted to be the American. He wanted to sell them in the American market. And this company kept fucking him over and fucking him over and he kept on doing better and better business every year until it was like in 1980, he made like

$140 million for the company, but it was like, or 79, I think. But it's like the amount of fucking the guy, here's the two things that stick with me in this book, dude. First of all, you gotta fucking love what you do. Otherwise, you're just not going to make it unless you have supreme luck on your side, which nobody does. So you gotta love what you do. You gotta want to do it. Like I was just telling the story to a fucking buddy of mine. I love standup so much. You can't get me off stage. You can't get me off stage. I'll go on stage every fucking night. You can't fucking tell me not to.

I will. La, la, la, la. Wait till I get my money. If I can't tell me nothing. Oh, whatever. But I'll go on stage all the time. You can't tell me nothing. You can't tell me nothing.

This guy was going to make shoes. You can't tell him nothing. You can't tell me nothing. This guy was going to make shoes. You can't tell him nothing, dude. He was going to make shoes no matter what. And he thought about it, obsessed about it. He got the shipment from Tiger in Japan, and he fucking had his office in his mom's house in his basement, got all the shoes, and rolled around in them, smelled them, looked at them, and fucking rolled around in his shoes. Crazy? Passionate? Yeah, yeah, but fucking successful

down the road. That's what happens. My buddy, this was the story I was going to tell you. My buddy, who I'm not friends with anymore because it turned out to be piece of shit, we were both, you know, auditioning. I hate auditioning. This guy loved auditioning. He was like, dude, every, it's my time, it's my time of the week to act. Sometimes I only have two auditions, one audition a week, but that's my time. So he rehearsed. He loved going over what the material was. He'd break it down and go in, and that was his moment. Whether he was in there for five minutes or 25 minutes, that was his moment of the week to shine.

And he loved it. And he booked stuff, and I didn't. And once I got on stage as a comedian, I understood I'm the comedian, bro. I'm going to be successful as a comedian because that's what I do. I love it. I happen to have some sort of a talent for it. And I fucking between those two things with a little bit of luck, you fucking get it going, my babies. You get it fucking going.

Make your fucking hobby your job. Then you'll never be upset. Well, you won't never be upset, but you'll be happy with what you do for your fucking for a living then you'll never be upset well you won't never be upset but you'll be happy with what you do for your fucking for a living you know it's like i'm trying to tell these motherfuckers dude this guy loves tasting ice cream he ate it he made his hobby his fucking job that top note he made it his job to taste ice cream i'm sure that was a fucking hard road was it or was he just a fucking fat guy that put on a lab coat who knows that could be the little bit of luck but you gotta fucking work hard that's a 10 he came up with a catchphrase

for fuck's sake dude now that's a 10 now that's a 10 killing it babies make your hobby your job you never work a day in your life that's the saying right just you know it's incredible man but anyway it's a good book i can't okay so the two things that stuck with me are how passionate he was about what he did and how motherfucking many obstacles and hurdles you have to fucking get over it was unbelievable dude every other page is like and then this happened and i'm getting mad reading this fucking book i'm like this guy just wants to make a fucking shoe dude he just wants to get fucking he literally wanted runners to run faster and he wanted to get shoes i mean maybe he's a uh what do you call it uh

psychopath i don't know. But all he wanted to do was fucking make people run faster and sell shoes. That's all he wanted to do. He wanted to better the shoes. If the shoes were bad, he would recall them and make them better

and take a hit from the company. But that's all he wanted to fucking do. And the government, literally, the American government was trying to stop him. Free enterprise, my babies.

But they were trying to stop him. Now, enterprise my babies but they were trying to stop him now do i know what free enterprise means no but i know that the book said it and i know that that's the thing they were trying to stop him dude the fucking government was trying to stop him japanese dudes were trying to stop him in japan people in fucking other other people in oregon were trying to stop him other companies adidas puma they were trying to stop him in Japan. People in fucking other people in Oregon were trying to stop him. Other companies, Adidas, Puma, they were trying to bury him. Converse, they were trying to bury him. But motherfucker, this dude rose out of the ashes, man.

That's what happened. He did it. He did it, my babies. Now Nike is a household name. That's the shit, dude. That's the American shit, even though it's largely Japan and they're made in China now in sweatshops. Still. Ha.

This person right here, babyfacefatboy, at backgroundmitch. Hey, change it. Change one of them. Change one of them. Change both of them. Aerate it. Can't wait until somebody changes their name to Aerate it. Of course they will. That top note, now that's a 10.

Listen to all 87 episodes in two weeks. This cult is a full-time job to me, and I'm ready for the log cabin. That's fucking crazy. 87 episodes in two weeks this cult is a full-time job to me and i'm ready for the log cabin that's fucking crazy 87 episodes in two weeks hey man let me ask you a quick quest to dune what about family what about how about this what What about anything? Background Mitch. That's crazy, dude. Hey, baby face fat boy. Chew dune.

Dude, let me tell you something, dude. You listen to every fucking episode in two weeks? I got a message for you. Go outside and fucking aerate it that's crazy that's crazy oh my god dude did you did you listen to the fucking episode 10 and you go that's a 10 so dumb so dumb worst joke i've ever made on this podcast a hundred percent worst joke i've ever made on this podcast i don't give a fuck did you listen to episode 10 and go like this no that's a 10 worst joke i've ever made on this podcast and i don't give a fuck dude

you with me till the end how about tupac would do that like he would be like that's so funny that he'd be so gangster and then all of sudden, like he's on a tricycle. Well, it's about that time to wrap up my babies. That's what I'm trying to tell you is we got Miami coming up. Crystalia.com. Get that followed leadership. Download the cash app for free on the app store or Google Play Market. Enter rewards code congrats. Get

$5 and give $5 to Time's Up. Also, you can hear my podcast or you can watch my podcast on my app live before anyone else if you download my app. Go to Chris Talia in the App Store and you can do that. That's what true babies do

at least. Anyway, I'm not trying to pressure you, but that's what true babies do. I'm not trying to pressure you, but that's what true babies do. I'm not trying to pressure you, but that's what true babies do. Washington, D.C. Those are all sold out. Sold out, sold out. It's a cock. Jacksonville, Florida. West Palm Beach, Florida.

Atlanta, Georgia. West Palm Beach, Florida. Jacksonville, Florida. Miami, Florida. Atlanta, Georgia. Los Angeles. We just added a new show. Get your tickets, babies.

San Francisco. I think that's sold out. Boston. Fresno. Boston. I'm adding another show in Boston and Medford just because you babies keep trying to come out. Four shows sold out at the Wilter. Wilter?

No, Wilbur. Boyka, right? Plucka, Plucka, right? Dude, four shows at the Wilter? Plucka, Plucka, Plucka, Plucka. I'm Jamaican. Fresno, California, Bakersfield, California Austin, Texas

San Antonio, Texas Merch, right? We got it restocked It's all restocked today You want to go get those fucking D'Elia's Grand Slam t-shirts Or the fucking Whatever you want to go get

Go get it It's fall Double up on the fucking layers Okay? I'm also doing a show tomorrow Which is Wednesday So if it's a video podcast I guess it's tonight

In Ventura, California. Go to Brian Callen's Instagram and fucking click on his stupid-ass shitty granddad link. But it's like a really small secret show I'm doing with Callen, my grandpa Callen. Anyway, follow the leader. Buy tickets at crystalia.com. Hey, look, you guys, we've been like number 13 on the fucking Apple shit. I want to get higher. All right?

Spread the word, please. I'm so sick and tired of seeing all these motherfuckers getting the jump on us. You know? Subscribe, rate, and review the show. Please. That helps. Go on to iTunes and do that. Rate and review the show.

It would really help. Listen to it and also shout out to sword and scale popular podcast episode 123 if you listen to it you'll notice one of your fucking favorite podcasters and comedians doing one of the voices

about a guy who fucking well about a guy who killed and raped someone which is very shitty but they asked me to do it and I did it so I played it and video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays Well, about a guy who killed and raped someone, which is very shitty. But they asked me to do it, and I did it, so I played it. And video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. And go get tickets at crystalia.com.

Crystalia.com, my babies. And remember, don't ever forget to irrigate it. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucking Bob. You've given me a chance. I'm a motherfucking child, a motherfucking... Thank you.