Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 9. Succinylcholine

Episode Date: March 28, 2017

Hey babies! It's the 9th episode! Wow. In today's discussion, Chris talks about Peter Thomas, the late voice actor and narrator of Forensic Files. Also discussed: meeting Sinbad, female traffic lights, and bad commercials where people laugh whimsically. Chris also makes a pitch to Tide Detergent to let him write, direct, and star in a commercial. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply hey what's up what up what up it's uh we're here again Podcast, it's the ninth episode. And this one's getting out a little... I got a little bit of some aggressive tweets and Instagram comments saying that I didn't...

It's late, but it's not late. You know why? Because I always said that it was going to come out by Tuesday morning, and you'll have it on the way to work Tuesday. So that's what my promise is to you. And guess what? I'm going to break that promise probably sometime. Sometimes I'm on the road and maybe I'll be out there for a long time. And I promise you, I will have it up before your drive to work on Tuesday. But I will most likely break that promise. Okay.

But nonetheless, we're here and you guys are listening right now. So you don't have to complain anymore. And that's awesome. I am back from the road. I was in, man. I did Virginia Beach on Wednesday night, which was cool. I did – then I went to fucking – what the hell is it called? North Carolina, but it's called Raleigh. And I did that, chose there, and then I went to Greensboro, North Carolina. I went to Virginia Beach, which which is cool i hadn't been there in eight like eight years i opened up for joe coy um there like eight years ago and it's a great club and it was very very uh very fun show i can't remember uh the town's nice and cool but i didn't

i didn't get to spend time sometimes you go to these places and you don't get to spend time really because you're just kind of tired as shit I flew by the way my flight was at 5.30am which I didn't even know they had flights at 5.30am and I got in at like

3.30 because no direct flights goes to Virginia Beach of course and then when I was in at like 3.30 because no direct flights goes to Virginia Beach, of course. And then when I was in Virginia Beach, I did my show. And then I had to go to bed because I had to go right back to – I had to go to – what do you call it? Raleigh. And Raleigh was great. Dude, this comedy club in Raleigh is called Good Nights, and it's fucking awesome, man. I mean, people should shoot specials there.

It's really – it's smaller than like a than like a theater but man the crowds were awesome like uh i'll definitely go back there i love raleigh and it's cool it was like a college town and i was joking around on stage man dude they have more runners in that city than i've i can't even believe it it's like the whole fucking place is a track and field everybody's whizzing by and you're walking and you feel like a fucking piece of shit because you're just walking and they're running by in like a unc shirt and a fucking pink and pink short shorts um and the shows were awesome and then i went to greensboro and when i got to greensboro i was immediately sad because it it was first of all overcast and i that was one of those places where i was like i i don't know who lives here i can't imagine living here there was like he i was like i said to the guy who was fucking the owner of the venue I played.

He picked me up in his fucking Porsche, dude. He was in Jersey in Greensboro. Dude, he came out. By the way, I love this guy. I've been texting him. But he picked me up at the fucking hotel. And he pulled up in his Panamera or whatever the fuck those cars are called and uh i was waiting for like a an suv or something and he pops out with like a chain

he's like hey i'm gonna do the accent because it's fun he didn't really have it like this but he was like hey use chris and i was like yeah he's like come on and i went in the car he fucking was s jerseyed out and i was like how the fuck did you wind up in the car. He fucking was jerseyed out. And I was like, how the fuck did you wind up in Greensboro? And I was like, wait, a girl, huh? And he said, yeah, like 24 years ago. Dude, did the venue. But the fucking town is so weird, man.

I can't believe people live everywhere. And then I got there and the venue was was kind of cool like it had like this green roof that this green room that was huge and i had a fucking like roped off shit for no reason nobody was there and then when i got to the venue i was like oh man it was pretty cavernous and cavernous if you don't know about stand-up cavernous rooms and rooms with big ceilings are bad for comedy because their laughs get drowned out and it's a little bit big and my was like, I could tell he wasn't having a good time on stage. And then I went on stage. And I had the fucking best time.

And I told Greensboro that I was going to come back. So now I have to. Even though place makes me sad. I kicked a guy out though. Because he kept on yelling shit out. I kicked a guy out in four minutes. He started telling me to do the drunk girl's bit. I was like, yo, you got to stop.

You got to be quiet. Then he kept going and doing it. I said, yo, yo, security, you got to get this guy the fuck out of here. Everybody started clapping, and they kicked him out. Then after the show, I realized that his girl and him fought the security. The girl was scratching the security and was like fuck you fuck you and my opener mic was out there and she was like you piece of shit and i was like thank god we threw you out that happened in raleigh too i didn't even know that people got thrown out but people were like

lighting up my instagram afterwards i got off stage and people were commenting on different instagrams like by the way your security sucks. They threw us out for laughing. Hey, and no, they didn't. Dude, there's a video that plays in front of a lot of the improv. I don't think they actually have it anymore, but it would be like, don't heckle, don't take pictures. And Todd Glass is there, comedian.

And he was saying, and everyone who gets kicked out says, we were just laughing. And it's true. You don't get kicked out for laughing. true you don't get kicked out for laughing you absolutely don't get kicked out for laughing because that's what you're supposed to do you know you don't you get kicked out for laughing at a comedy club like you get kicked out of a gym for running on the treadmill that's how that's why you ever get kicked out running out treadmill at the gym no that's because it doesn't have.

If you're at a comedy club, you laugh, you get kicked out. Guess what? Guess what? You're in an alternate universe. Guess what? You're in a different dimension. Because it doesn't happen on Earth in this dimension. Or is it that you're drunk and you're not going to remember what the fuck happened?

Okay? I threw them out and thank God. Hey, also, if I throw someone out, or if someone is thrown out, I didn't even throw the people out. I didn't even throw the first people out. If someone's thrown out and then you're the kind of person that fucking comments on Instagram,

Instagram, fuck you, fuck you, you piece of shit, your security sucks, you shouldn't go anywhere. You should stay. You should stay at your house. And you shouldn't even have an Instagram, let alone be out in public. So, had some rowdy ones in North Carolina. But whatever.

Had some rowdy ones in North Carolina. But whatever. Flew back today and fucking... Connection was tight as shit. My travel agent gave me like a 12-minute connection. I was getting so steaming mad the first flight. I was like, this fucking guy gave me a 12-minute connection. I'm never going to make it to the fucking plane.

I'm going to have to stay in fucking charlotte i had to take a flight from um greensboro to charlotte which is like a 14 minute drive so i had to fly they maybe fly to get it there because there's no direct flight obviously from greensboro to la because nobody in the world would ever be traveling from greensboro to la or LA to Greensboro because where is it so um I got I rushed onto the second plane in Charlotte and I I walked in you know it was my boarding zone was going so I was there and people were waiting there and somebody goes hey Chris and I was like what's up man and uh you know I was just with my ego I was like oh it's a fan and then he was like where's mike and i was like oh wow he's a big fan he even knows my opener and then he was i was like oh he's on his way and then um he says yeah yeah we were in sarasota we just made this connection if i do it

oh this guy is a fucking comedian because he said we uh and i realized i recognized them and and then i was like oh i wonder who he's opening for because uh you know i i was assuming someone else was already on the flight i get on the flight and it's fucking sinbad who is like i love i fucking love sinbad dude that guy makes fucking is so funny and i got on and i was like and i was like oh shit i'm gonna try and do the thing where like you know i'm gonna say hey because maybe he knows me because we're both comedians you know but i was like if i do it and then he fucking is like what's up man you a fan i'll be like yes the heart will be my heart will be broken so So I fucking get up there and I make eye contact with him. And I'm like, hey, what's up, dude? It's Chris, man.

It's nice to see you. And he's like, yeah, good to see you, man. And he was like, they were telling stories about you. Somebody named some name. Some guy was somebody I should have known i guess he was like he was telling a story about you man i was like oh fuck i hope it was okay he was like hey man it's never okay yeah so i mean you know he was joking and shit but i was like

you know it was just a cool sin bad react it's sin reaction. And he had a face towel. He had the towel he has on stage when he wipes his face because he's so sweaty. He had it on him at the airport. That shit. And he had the leopard one. It was amazing. Dude, that's so dope when someone's so them, they're even them in the airport. You know?

so dope when someone's so them they're even them in the airport you know it would be like if fucking al pacino is at the airport with a fucking with a glazed stare look just like oh where's my flight you'd be like oh and he's in like a fucking burgundy suit where the fuck is my flight that i would i love it when people are so them or like if MC Hammer was getting to his flight and he was doing the sidestepping with the baggy pants and he was trying to get me and he was almost late for his flight so he's going really fast and people were screaming go hammer go hammer go that I would be

like ah that's awesome you know um I was on the plane they didn't have fucking was on the plane. They didn't have fucking plugs on the plane. They barely... Hey, get rid of your planes from the fucking 1930s. Okay?

Get rid of that shit. Hey, who made this plane? The Wright Brothers by hand? Huh, American Airlines? And this woman was in front of me, and she was fucking so mad. She was so mad, and she wanted to talk to the... Oh, by the way, wasn't it American Airlines? What was the one that didn't let the girl with the leggings on?

American? I think that... I thought it was American. With the leggings. Whatever, he's figuring it out. But United. Oh, it was United. That's right.

Because my buddy texted me. United is fucking awful. Okay? And they delay flights all the time. And they kick someone off for wearing leggings. Right? That's what they're saying. And my question to United is, well, why?

People wear leggings. Anything you can wear at Starbucks, you can wear at a fucking, what are you, the fashion police? Hey, United. When they said, hey, a girl got kicked off because she wasn't dressed uh up to code and united i immediately thought oh her tits were out like out out i mean out i mean even if somebody walked into a starbucks with a bra on you'd be like that's weird with just a bra you'd be like it's weird weird. With just a bra, you'd be like, it's weird. But like, I don't know. Maybe if there were kids there, you'd be like, yo, man, maybe go put on a top. But like leggings, she had pants on. She got kicked out for wearing pants.

United fucking sucks, dude. I've never meant anything more than what I mean right now. United fucking sucks. They're run by cats. I feel like fucking cats are, there's a kitty that's the fucking CEO of United Airlines. And there are a few cats under him, but also humans. And the humans and the cats sit around the table. And the main CEO kitty is like on a chair. And there are other cats on the table.

And then fucking there are other humans around. And they're like, so how do we run this company better? And they all kind of have to look at the CEO cat because, you know, he runs a company. And even the humans think it's stupid, but it's like, but it's still the fucking guy he runs a company and even the humans think it's stupid but it's like but it's still the fucking guy who runs a company even though it's a cat and then the cat will just be like and then they'll be like i don't know and i know and one of the adults will be like i don't i don't know and then he'll lick his wrist the cat will will lick his wrist. And then that's why they're fucking delayed all the time. Fuck you, United.

Straight up. Hey, United. Turn around. Hey, United. Everything's great, but why are you facing me? United, everything's great, but why are you facing me? Your customer service implies that right now you should turn around. All right? Hey, United, dude, why is your nose in the direction facing my nose? Make our noses point in the same direction and turn round. Dude, fuck United. United fucking blows donkey dicks. Okay. It's horrible. And everybody knows it. And if you're

a fucking guy who got all the mileage and the plus and the fucking gold members and you're on the, you know, United, change it. Switch it up. I don't care if you're gold status. I'd rather fly in a fucking crate with chickens than United. If I knew I was going to be on time, I'd rather fly in a crate with chickens under the fucking passenger luggage shit or whatever. Anyone who works at United, line up, turn around. Seriously.

Fucking, for real. Just do your job. It's weird to be in these hotels. Like, I was in three different hotels this week. And to watch watch regular TV. This sounds a little elitist.

Whatever. Fuck on. I don't care. To not watch... I mean, not really, though. It's not really... To not watch Netflix or Hulu or a show when I want to watch it.

If you have your house and you're chilling, I mean, people, I feel like most people have, well, most people, no, I don't know how, what the fucking whole, how America is. Probably not. Probably most people have regular TV, but a lot of people just have Netflix and don't have the fucking TV.

a lot of people just have netflix and don't have the fucking tv um but i uh you know watch it i watch netflix or tv or whatever the fuck but when you but i'll record these shows like i don't watch my point is i don't watch commercials but when i'm on the road you gotta turn on a fucking tv and first of all in a hotel hey hotels how come when i turn on a fucking TV. And first of all, in a hotel. Hey, hotels. How come when I turn on your TV, it takes 12 minutes? Dude, when you turn on a fucking, first of all, hate the homepage channel. You turn on, it goes like this. And you're still waiting, the way it's still black and and then you maybe hit it again did i turn it on you go to hit it again and then you turn it off

and you notice because right before you hit it it turns the red blinker turns on and you're like oh fuck it was just on and then it's off okay you're like all right fuck and then you wait a few seconds because like i wait a few seconds to let it gestate in the offness you know what i mean and then so then you're like all right so this is probably a good amount of time to wait now i'm gonna try to turn on again and you turn on again and you're waiting again and you're like all right god damn it. And then the hotel channel comes on and it's not the loudest thing in the world. It's louder than that. It's like it'll be a girl taking off a fucking shawl or sash.

Whatever you fucking call it. One of those pool wear fucking bullshit things that girls get. Like, I'm going to cover my fucking tits and ass, but not really. You can still see them. And she's taking one of those and she dives into a pool and the music is like, ding, bang, ding, ding. And it's like, here at the Sheraton, you're going to be extremely uncomfortable when either this TV turns on because it'll hurt your ears or someone will call you from because the phone rings louder than an air siren.

No hotel, no hotel phone rings this loud. That's all. That's all you need. You why you human it's never that this is how that it goes ring that fucking loud and it and and the tv's turning on and then and then so i'm watching so i'll always go to the i'll find out the fucking i'll find HLN because I want to watch Forensic Files. That's the only thing that's on. I know that's a safe bet in my road travels because it's on 24 hours a fucking day. HLN should be called the fucking Forensic Files channel.

And that show is the shit because it's like candy. If you like that fucking murder shit, it's like candy. And it's always the same guy who does the voice. By the way, he died last year. But everybody gets killed with fucking successional choline. It's always successional choline. And the guy will be like, they found trace amounts of successional choline and every time he says it i want to shit

my bed they found trace amounts of successional choline first of all there's already too many syllables in successional choline and this guy adds more syllables to success in all calling success in all at call a lane and shitting dude. Someone could get hit over the bait over the head with a baseball bat. And there'll be like that. What knocked him out was a bludgeoning to the head on a Louisville slugger that was found in the basement later. But what killed him were traces found of successional choline. I feel like they put that shit in there.

I feel like they put that shit in there. They put successional choline in the people so they can do the show forensic files at them and make it happen. And make it fucking, like the makers of successional choline, they're like, you know, you got to get this successional choline drug out there. I think it makes your body go limp

or like it's supposed to pass you out and paralyze you. And if you put too much, then you fucking just stop breathing because your lungs can't work. Took a dark turn there, huh? Yeah. So anyway. Next to her bed, there was green liquid it was la croix with traces of successional choline they found trace amounts sometimes the guy will just go to a different planet on his fucking

they found trace amounts of successional choline. Why is he fucking Optimus Prime all of a sudden? Roll out. Autobots, let's go. Time to fight Megatron. He's been killing everyone with successional choline. with successional calling.

Yes, lasers can stun them. But what we need to get them with are trace amounts of successional calling. Hey, transformers, more than me is the eye. Autobots and Decepticons, roll out. He's just a needle. Bring him. He transformed into a needle. Bring him. Roll out. he transformed into a needle bring him we're all out a needle full of

the successional calling autobots and decepticons and autobots and autobots and decepticons that guy died last year who did the voice i fucking he died last year and i looked him up and i will i looked him up on youtube about the fuck because i was like i just typed in successional calling and his first thing came up obviously and the first thing that came up for real though was i forget his name the voice of forensic files uh it was a video thing called whatever his name was and then it had a dash and it said the voice ah imagine being so dope at your job that they call you what like you use like to do your job like if you were a fucking mover somebody called you arms this guy's name was the they called it the voice and even his regular voice was like that

they were like so what's your get your inspiration and he was like trace amounts of successional calling. So I watched that forensic files. But the one thing, the one thing that you have to do about watching those TVs, Peter Thomas was his name. It's a regular name. Peter Thomas, you know, definitely in the witness protection program. Definitely because he fucking murdered people with successional calling for the mob hey we gotta get peter thomas no whatever his name was we're gonna get the voice we're gonna get the voice we gotta you got a problem we got we know somebody who could deal with it yeah we call him the voice how's he. How does he kill the people?

He makes it look like, you know, he just drank some La Croix. He hits you over the head with a baseball bat. That's not what kills you. You know what kills you? It's the stuff called fucking success in the calling. Success in the calling. Success in the calling. And then he fucking got caught by the FBI and had to relocate to wherever they fucking. They record the forensic files, which I guess is probably in Burbank.

And his name is Peter Thomas now. And he's got little kids and they're fucking uh they sound the same like baby fucking they're baby voices um but you got to watch commercials that's the thing about that's what i was trying to get at you got to watch commercials um to fucking uh if you're gonna watch tv at a hotel because they don't have dvr or whatever one time i was at one tv and it had net i was at one hotel that net it had netflix i was like is this the future um but you gotta watch uh commercials and uh and uh you gotta watch commercials and it's fucking yo there let me just say a blanket thing here and And I saw a commercial that made me laugh maybe the other day.

Maybe I did. Maybe it didn't make me laugh, but I went like this. But hey, ad guys and commercial guys and people who are making the commercials, step your goddamn game up. They're awful the only ones that are not awful are the ones that are fucking like local commercials that you can watch because they're so bad but at least you're like these are entertaining you know what i mean you watch and you're like oh i can't believe they made that that's a real person but like don't do the fucking, I'm tired of washing windows and doing laundry. Honey. Whoops.

Shit all over the place. Guess we got to use Windex next time. Fuck you. Fuck you. After watching that, I want to drink a successional choline dude commercials are fucking terrible man they're fucking terrible when i'm driving they always got that laugh in the beginning. My friends, boy, you know, my kids came home the other day. Fuck that laugh.

Nothing is that funny. There are things more funny and less funny. is that funny. There are things more funny and less funny, but if you're laughing this hard at something, you're a fucking Jim Carrey character, okay? Nothing's that funny. Crackers!

Why are there so many crumbs? Honey! There he goes again. No. Successful calling. Drink it if you're one of us. Fuck you with that laugh. I hate it.

Step your fucking game up. If you're selling, what are you going to sell? A t-shirt? Fucking just hawk it, dude. Dude, if there was a commercial that came on TV and it was like t-shirt, it was just some fucking fat Italian guy just like, t-shirts, t-shirts for sale. Get like t-shirt it was just some fucking fat Italian guy just like t-shirts t-shirts for sale get your t-shirts go get them at Ross

you get t-shirts at Ross I'd fucking fly to Ross I'd go I'd buy all the t-shirts up because I'd respect that shit buy these shirts do that some guy some weirdo Instead you get some fucking guy with glasses on

that's kind of good looking. That's not really good looking, but he's definitely got like frizzy hair and like a beard a little bit kind of describing myself. But, uh, and he's like at a dinner and something goes wrong and he's like, check, please. And I'm supposed to fucking laugh at that and then go run out and buy fucking, you know, lens crafters. Eat my whole dick. No, make it better. Make the commercials the commercials better dude if you're gonna have me watch and you know what hey guess what the super bowl commercials are fucking atrocious too i know i'm the fucking minority here and i know people by the way if you're the kind of person

that's like i watch the super bowl for the commercials here comes a fierce fuck you fuck you all right watch the watch the super bowl for the super bowl also don't watch the super bowl okay but if you're the fucking kind of janky ass motherfucker that sits on a couch and is like oh good the commercials bye welcome to my house. Now leave. Dude. It just drives me nuts. So, yeah. Same thing with sponsored ads on like online. It's funny that some of them say sponsored and uh and they and like we know you know if i got a fucking starbucks in my hand on instagram you better believe starbucks is fucking paying me for it although maybe not unless i love it

uh but but yeah don't why why does it it. But yeah, why does it have to be corny? Why does it have to be corny? That's what I don't get. I don't get why it has to be corny. Why can't you just say, this is the product you want. You buy this. You buy it. Hey, buy it. Get me to do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I don't want to really be on commercials, but I'll do it. Get me to do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I don't want to really be on commercials, but I'll do it. If you let me take tied, how about tied? Let me do your fucking commercials. Me, me, I do it. I do the whole thing. I direct it. I write it. I don't even, I show up. I wear what I want to wear. I got my beard, the length I want to have it. And I got my hair the way I want it with no fucking makeup or touch up or bullshit. And I sit there in a chair and I say, Hey, I want to have it. And I got my hair the way I want it with no fucking makeup or touch up or bullshit.

And I sit there in a chair and I say, hey, you want to get your clothes clean? You get tied. That's what you do. All right. Yeah, you can get the other products, but don't get tied. And that's it. That's a commercial. You don't even need 30 seconds.

You know that? You know how fucking weird and good that would be? It would be good. Yeah, you might lose like fucking some people in Des Moines or some shit but all of a sudden you're the fucking weirdo brand and yeah you see what Tide did did oh yeah get fucking Greg Kinnear to be like I wash all my underwear with Tide I wash all my pants with Tide I wash all my shirts with Tide. I wash all my pants with Tide. I wash all my shirts with Tide. I wash everything with Tide.

Have him say that. Those four lines, that's it. That's a commercial. He's not funny about it. He's just being serious. Greatest commercial I've ever seen. I just made a better commercial than any fucking commercial I've seen in fucking years. And you can say that's conceited, but it's not.

It's just fucking commercials are travesties you know what they're like they're like the scene in fucking jurassic park or jurassic world when fucking chris pratt sees that big ass t-rex and he's like oh shit that's what i that's what i fucking feel when I see a commercial. Ah, fuck. Don't make them. You don't need a team. Fuck your team. You don't need a team to make a fucking commercial.

You need a fucking person. Hey, you making a commercial? Or you're the Jaguars? Hey, I have a question at agencies. Are you making a commercial? Are you trying to sell a product? Or are you the Mets? Because if you're not the Mets, don't be a team.

Yeah, man. Drives me nutso's sponsored content i was on instagram the other day hey man uh so all of a sudden dj khaled's baby is the fucking number one thing isn't that amazing this guy fucking has a squirty boner in a chick and a baby comes out and now the fucking baby runs the internet. If I got to see another picture of DJ Khaled's baby, by the way, great. Have a baby, be happy about it, awesome. But DJ Khaled said his baby was a producer? Nah. What's he producing? his baby was a producer. Nah.

What's he producing? Vomit and cries? Nah. Not a producer. Oh, he's going to produce music? Cool. Does the music sound like this? Oink, oink, oink.

No? Then it's he's not a producer. Okay? I mean, dude. it's a baby it's a baby it's a fucking infant you can't wipe your ass you can't produce music it's my rule that's my rule yeah i mean yeah it's funny i get it i get what dj khaled's doing i fucking think i honestly think dj khaled if there's a genius on social media it's him the guy's unbelievable and honestly the the tracks he produces some of them are fucking hot fire dude sometimes he does it and he's like another one and i'm like you know he's like, another one. And I'm like, you know what? Actually, another one.

Another one. Baby's going to come out, and baby's going to be like, not a while. That's going to be the first fucking words. Not a while. DJ Khaled's going to be like, here's a cookie. And the baby's going to eat it, and then the baby's going to be like, now, they're wrong. Hey, oh, by the way, are they making fucking The Lion King with real lions?

That's what I heard. Somebody said live action Lion King. That's going to end in murders and deaths. Jon Favreau is directing Lion King live action? Somebody said live action. Not cartoons, not CGI. I mean, come on, dude.

That was like in Gladiator when Russell Crowe was like, when they were saying to Russell Crowe that he shouldn't play soccer on his off days of That was like in Gladiator when Russell Crowe was like, when they were saying to Russell Crowe that he shouldn't play soccer on his off days of Gladiator because they didn't want to risk him getting injured. And he was like, you got me fighting with fucking lions. Worst New Zealand accent ever. Isn't that where he's from?

I don't know. You got me fighting with lions. You worried about me kicking a bull around. I don't know the difference between Australia accent and New Zealand sorry

sounds good right it's healthy soda drink knit yeah um um the lion king with real lions is like just make the

have them be cgi it's got to be cgi it must have been wrong it must have been wrong it can't there's no way they are going to have like two lions and shit and then just cgi the mouths i guess i guess they could do that. But that seems like a fucking thing that they would do in 1991 with Steve Guttenberg. I'm surprised if John Favreau was going to do that shit. But fuck, I'll see it. I mean, Lion King's awesome. Lion King's one of those things that is very awesome that people, though though people like to pretend like they like it more than they actually like it and i love lion i like lion king it's a great movie but

uh you know when i gotta hear some fucking chick that's like 28 oh they're remaking the lion king i just like i want to fucking eat a whole bunch of donuts, you know, just so something else is happening. It's like annoying. It's a, it's a, you know what I mean? They're acting like it's curing cancer or some shit. Like it's great. It's fucking, it's great, but it's a movie. There's shit like that, that people do do though there's like the thing that comes up that and lion king obviously is way past you know i mean would that come out in fucking 90 something but uh um the new thing is like is like that it's actually kind of let me actually talk about this because i ate some the other day and I keep trying with this shit but

kale I keep trying with kale and it hey you know what it's fucking bad okay I don't give a shit what you put on it put on fucking vinaigrette put on fucking ranch dressing I don't give a shit put on skittles it fucking tastes like my end table. Kale sucks, okay? Kale fucking sucks. All right? And people like to flip out about kale. And I don't know how it is in the middle of the country, but in LA and in New York, there's

these fucking kale places popping up or whatever the fuck. Would you like it with kale? I don't know. Do you have anything with flavor instead? It's not good. You get the brown rice, get the fucking, even get the quinoa. That's fine. But kale is fucking bullshit.

Tastes like toilet paper. And I don't like when the fucking, when the people get on the bandwagon and it's like, oh, yeah, that's a thing now. It makes me, and i tried with it because i know it's it's healthy but also they make it seem like it's so healthy that like it will fucking like they make it seem like like it's so healthy that you're gonna fucking like you you you can like it'll help you not get like it'll cure cancer that That's how they make you, like, well, you know, also, though, if you got some HIV, eat some kale. That's not what it is.

It's just fucking, it's good for you. But people go overboard with this shit. And that, I want everybody to calm down about it, okay? That's what I want. I want everybody to calm down about it. You know? Okay? That's what I want. I want everybody to calm down about it. You know? Because guess what?

I'd rather eat a fucking bowl of chocolate than that. That's what it is. When you start acting like a bowl of kale is better than a bowl of chocolate, that's when you gotta absolutely turn round what did i tweeted about this today earlier i saw it on twitter i saw two things on twitter man one was which one should I start with? One was, one was the fucking,

I'll start with the one I first did. The fucking, I retweeted this thing about how they made a female, somewhere they made a female, quote unquote, traffic light. And, either they're working on it or they're doing it or they did it or something, and the light is a fucking body with a dress on.

Instead of the regular guy walking with the two legs and the arms apart, it's a female. There's a female one now. Now, the thing that, first of all, what I will love is there is somebody in the world, some man in the world that will see that and literally think, oh, okay, well, the females are crossing now. I should stay here. And I'm not, I know it's funny, but that will happen with some fucking moron, and that is great, okay?

That's the upside of it, is that you get to understand that the people, there is going, there will be probably more than once, some guy somewhere that sees that and thinks, and goes to walk and then thinks, oh wait, hold on, do only females get to walk now? Legitimately. That's the upside.

All the other things about it are dumb as shit downsides. Okay? Hey, don't change the goddamn traffic light. There's bigger problems in the fucking world. Number one, and that's the most obvious one. But number two, how did they not understand that if they say, oh, these are for female now and they put a dress on it, that that's offensive. Now they're saying, oh, because women wear dresses and you got to wear a dress if you're

a woman. Plus men wear dresses, you fucking idiots. They fucked themselves harder. They turned around themselves and just sat on a fucking rod. There wasn't even someone else involved. There wasn't even somebody that was like, turn around. They were just like, I guess I got to turn around now and sat on a fucking lamppost dude that's real dumb these fucking idiot you know and those are the kind of people

that were like well you know everyone's a snowflake bullshit or whatever the fuck. Such a dumb fuck thing. And then I tweeted something else about how Wonder Woman. What the fuck was it? It was Wonder Woman. The movie Wonder Woman. The new one has a poster out. And she's like swinging her sword. And she doesn't have a fucking armpit hair.

And they're like, she's from an doesn't have a fucking armpit hair. And she's it's they're like she's from an island. She would have armpit hair Wonder Woman's lack of armpit hair sparks feminist debate. Right here. Right here. With palpable excitement surrounding the film's release, the latest trailer, which can be viewed below, has sparked new controversy. Through careful analysis, the internet has exposed a perhaps not-so-wonderful aspect of DC Comics' newest incarnation of the classic girl power superheroine. She has no armpit hair.

That's the actual fucking paragraph. While the moment lasts all of a millisecond, not to mention, the reason we can see her armpits is because she's throwing a truck over her head like a rag doll. It's a millisecond that has set off a heated debate. Wow. That's hilarious. It's not enough that, first of all, she's a superhero. She doesn't exist.

She threw a fucking truck over her head. The weird part about that is not that she doesn't have hair under her armpit. It's that she's an alien and she flies around in an invisible jet. What are they mad at? If she had armpit hair, then what? It's a fucking cartoon. They're making a cartoon. Literally.

Look at the quote. She's not going... She's an, what is it, Amazonian? It's not going to be like real Amazons. We always try to make everyone happy, but we can't.

That's what uh also she's a demigod they're saying so how do we know maybe they're born without hair right that's what they say in this article the article is nyt live dot and new york times.com i guess it was in the new york times or. And there are people that are like, what the fuck? You shouldn't, you know, you shouldn't do. Imagine seeing that. First of all, it's for a millisecond for sure. Like there's no way there's a close-up of her armpit in the trailer or in the movie.

Imagine seeing that whole trailer with all of the fantastic shit that's going on she's throwing a truck over her head i mean you know she's awesome she's action-packed she's kicking ass beating the shit out of people she's beautiful she's fucking whipping around probably batman and and Superman are in the goddamn trailer because they can't make a superhero movie without making more superheroes in it. And to fucking see that for a millisecond and then get heated. And then get heated. And first of all, to even see it. But then not to be like, eh, fuck it.

Oh, fuck it. She's throwing a truck. And then after because that was the trailer of the movie so you sit in the movie theater then you watch the movie you went to see then you got home and still had to fucking tweet about it I am not leaning my

political beliefs in this at all but that is why Trump won that's why he won and i'm not saying he should have or shouldn't have i'm not gonna talk political on this fucking podcast but that's why he won sir if you're mad he won he you're the fucking that's it man that you did that stop That's it, man. You did that. Stop. I don't know. Somebody got mad at me for fucking.

I did a joke on Incorrigible, my last Netflix special. About someone was fat in the story I was telling. She was fat. Now, I know, you know, don't get upset, but she was fat. Some people are fat and she was fat. I didn't make her fat. She was, you know. I don't even remember what I said specifically, but

somebody tweeted the other day, wow, Chris D'Elia makes fat jokes in his special. Like, I didn't really. I just said that. And then somebody was like, you know, I was like, yo, I got to make fun of everybody equally. Like, I don't give a fuck. I don't think about it when I do it.

I just do it. You're a comedian. You just fucking do it. You make fun of the person, and you got to have the liberty to do that because that's our job. If you don't do that, then the comedy becomes fucking less than. And so I wrote back, I just make fun of whoever, you know. And then the lady was like, fucking crackers or some shit. And I was like, oh, racist.

Cool. fucking crackers or some shit and i was like oh racist cool and then fucking she was like i uh it's a fact you can't be racist against white people and i know this argument i know this argument i know it this is like oh has has anyone held you back from a job because of being called a cracker? I get it. I get the fucking argument. I understand. But you can hate a group of a race, and if you hate them, then you're racist. I don't give a fuck what people say, all right?

That's what it is. You know, in my opinion, you can be racist against a fucking white person because if you hate white people, you're fucking racist. That's it. You want to say, no, racism doesn't exist like that against white people? Fine. But I don't know if I believe it. You have to fucking convince me a little bit harder than that, than just calling me cracker and saying you can't be fucking racist. And then people were tweeting me back, just these social justice warriors.

I fail to see the racism in this that you called your cracker. Have you ever? And I should? No. This is Twitter, you know? These fucking jerk-off motherfuckers behind their keyboards just typing. You can't fucking write your opinion if your fucking dicks out in your fucking chair in your tv room you know on your laptop that's the rule okay

people are so fucking sensitive it's very weird because most of the people don't really give a shit they just think it's the right thing to do and that's fucking poison dude do it don't do it unless you fucking mean it you know i understand like god i hate talking about this shit it's so annoying anyway but privilege and all that shit i get it white privilege i get shit it's so annoying anyway but like privilege and all that shit i get it white privilege i get it no i get the argument but like mean mean what mean it you know what i'm talking about like mean it if you're gonna fucking if you're gonna say if you're gonna say oh if you believe oh people shouldn't uh uh people should not uh abortion should be legal tweeting it isn't enough don't fucking tweet it don't tweet it just fucking do something about it instead if you're not going

to do anything about it then don't fucking do anything about it just sit down because that's what everyone's been fucking doing for years and years and years and years and just because you have a goddamn computer doesn't mean you're the fucking president does this make sense i don't even know i don't even care to be totally honest that's a real problem with me i thought i was a sociopath a little bit because i i had trouble caring about stuff and i took a test and it said i wasn't so i'm all good the test was on the internet. I just don't like I don't like these fucking I don't like these fake ass motherfuckers.

Like you know I like listening to Tupac. I don't like these fake ass bitches. Can't stand fake-ass bitches. You lying ass... Fucking whatever it is. I don't know, but I'm running out of steam here. I'm tired and it's fucking...

I just got back from whatever. North Carolina. And I think I'm done. Oh, I could look at the... Oh, I wonder if the guy gamed the system today. i wonder if the guy gamed the system today i wonder if the guy fucking gamed the system on the the hashtag uh matt girl matt gwynn that's his name and his hashtag or his uh um uh what do you call it handle is gwynn matt so that's fine that's probably all

you could get because it already wasn't matt gwynn what's the that intro outro song you play on congratulations uh it's by mr green i use him a lot he did my last incorrigible special he did my first comedy central special he does all the intros he did a the chank smith album if you don't know what chank smith is google chank smith he's great he has a lot of he does first Comedy Central special. He does all the intros. He did the Chank Smith album. If you don't know what Chank Smith is, Google Chank Smith. He's great. He has a lot of,

he's done a lot of shit better than that. I'm a joke, but he's fucking killer. So, that's your answer. I got another one here from Eric underscore Anson. E e he goes by hey crystalia did

you get any of the new air maxes and what are the essential sneakers to go on tour with i uh i love air max um i've been on more of a adidas guy lately and um i wear these i don't know on tour i don't bring my shoes because they're gonna get all fucking dirty I just bring uh I have these converse that I wear that I like they're like leather and um so that's my like tour shit sometimes I bring the black uh Jordan ones they're cyber the cyber mondays I like those a lot I like Jordans a lot still um Jordans and Adidas I like the NMDs some of the Reeboks I like I likeDs. Some of the Reeboks I like. I like Reeboks. Some of the Reeboks. And that's what I wear pretty much.

Those are my go-to's now. I'm going to look at this more here. Congratulations, Pod. This is funny. Somebody asked me about DJhaled's fucking baby um oh update on uh remember last um remember i was talking about leo my french friend i fucking uh texted him like twice i literally just texted him because people were coming up to me in North Carolina like, hey, what's up with Leo?

I was like, I feel like he was a big hit. Like, hey, sauce, bro. They were saying, sauce, bro. At first, I was like, what the fuck are you saying? And then I realized, oh, this is the fucking thing Leo texted me. I texted fucking Leo because, first of all, I want to hang out with him. And second of all, so yesterday I wrote, hang this week. By the way, he's a gangster, dude, because it says red.

And he didn't write back. He doesn't give a fuck. That's so French to leave someone on red. And then today, when I landed, I was like, this fucking motherfucker didn't text me back. So I wrote, I tried this. I literally thought this would work. I saws yay question mark and you're right back we didn't read that one yet so maybe he's doing some French shit he's probably eating a baguette or robbing a painting um yeah so I'll let you know what happens on the adventures of leo um all right this guy writes uh his name is jl on it swag

lives matter which is very a very fucking stupid and also pretty goddamn offensive handle um definitely change it for sure uh yo chris Leah, just trying to game the system here. Check this little gem out real quick. And then the screenshot of somebody who tweeted, just a friendly reminder that you should call your animals by gender neutral or multiple pronouns. They can understand. Ken was in capital. And yes, there's another tweet. It's possible for an animal to be trans. Your cat having a penis does not gotta stop i'm sorry i gotta stop reading that i almost shit all over i just don't i don't have time for that you're a goddamn fucking parrot okay you're not trans you're not trans okay

you're not trans if you have wings all right do you crawl you ain't gotta worry about it can you fly in the air you're not concerned with gender neutral multiple pronouns um gender-neutral multiple pronouns. Here's a good one. Mario Partinope at BF5. You're teetering on the change it. You're teetering on getting a change it, but you didn't get a change it. Because I actually think BBFF5 is probably like maybe it means something.

Gaming the system tonight. What's your least favorite thing about LA? That's a good fucking question. God, that's a good question because I love LA. I fucking love it. And you know what my least favorite thing about LA is? Is when people say they hate LA. Because that's another thing like kale.

They just jump on the fucking bandwagon. And they're like, it's so hard to make friends here. No, you're a shitty person. There's a lot of people everywhere. You're not in the fucking Gobi Desert. You can find people. And when there are a lot of people around, there are some good ones. So find those.

And if you don't, you're a piece of shit and go to the gobi desert okay that's it that's my fucking psa uh this is a funny one how much money would it get take for somebody to get you to fly United? Blake Jones, music, Blake Jones, 90, 97. That's a good name.

Um, I, I don't know, to be honest, if I knew it was going to be on time, like if there were two flights, the same, you'd have to pay me to take the fucking United one.

And I probably, you probably have to be honestly, uh, honest, honest answer. If, if I had to pay, like, okay, if one flight is $600 more and both are equal times, same airline, United and any other airline, $600 more, I would pay the $600 to not fly United. And I mean that. Fuck United.

So that's a good $600. There you go. I'll answer one more. This is, well... this is this is well somebody writes matthew heath uh his uh name is smish smishikins and change it hey man you adult you're a fucking adult i'm looking at your profile picture right now you got a full head of hair which means your past baby form change it smishikins hey man you can type change it thoughts on teenage girls calling their celebrity crushes daddy yeah that's fucking weird kind of to me it's also when they what's up with the zaddy huh people call me zaddy sometimes

zam zaddy instead of damn daddy the fuck is wrong with everything man zam zad Zam zaddy. See ya. Hey, am I fucking, how old am I? When I say zam zaddy, how old do I sound? Zam zaddy. I sound like my dad trying to say something like, hey, who's Kendrick Lamar?

That's how I sound when I say zam zaddy. Fuck. All right, well, fuck all right well let's do one more and i'll leave oh that's a good one i i often think about this one um giano and his handle is giano except there's a one instead of the i because because obviously Giano was taken. That's funny that he couldn't get it. And so he's like, I'll just pick, I'll just pick the one. Giano, is that Italian?

I think. What do you think about people who put real in front of their name as their handle? That's pretty fucking annoying. Unless, you know what? It's even annoying if it is Kendrick Lamar and you do need to find the real one because you'll have the blue check. If you just have the real fucking, you know, Ann fucking Regularton.

Nah. Don't have that. Don't have the real. Not good. Not good. All right. Um, all right, look,

you guys fucking, thank you. Thank you for listening to the night. We're almost in double digits. You guys, we're almost in double fucking digits getting these episodes done. And I couldn't have done it without my fucking babies, dude.

You guys see, see you later, babies. You were listening to, congratulations, the podcast. And this was the first ever ninth episode, and we all did it together, babies. Rate and review. Listen, before you turn this off or after you turn it off, it really helps if you rate and review it. And I'm being honest. It helps.

It helps the length of the podcast, the life of the podcast, I should say. It makes me want to do it more to be totally fucking quite frank.

I'm really busy and I like doing this now but if you're fucking showing love, I like doing it more. So, help me help you.

Right? Help me help you. Like the fucking, what was the movie? Jerry Maguire. Alright, I love some help you. Right? Help me help you. Like the fucking, what was the movie? Jerry Maguire. All right. I love some of you. So fucking thanks for listening. Congratulations.

The podcast. Chris D'Elia. Check my tour dates. ChrisD'Elia.com. I'm going to be in Australia. I'm going to be in Oxnard, California. I'm going to be all over the place. I think I'm just, I'm going to book Oakland soon.

But I got a lot of places coming up, so check my website. Tweet me, at Chris D'Elia, and hashtag, congratulations pod, if you got your questions that you want me to answer.

Thank you. See you, my babies. Congratulations, motherfucking pod, you big fucking pod. Motherfucking writers, motherfucking child, motherfucking, Thank you.