Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Tuesday, January 29th 2013

Episode Date: January 30, 2013

In order to back into shape after an annoying bad break up left Jesse a mass of flap, Crendor offers Jesse some diet tips as he embarks on his journey of personal discover. They are all bad. Also, Jesus power! And Ghost Adventures: Minnesota!

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trend Dog! Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios. Recording! Wake your ass up! It's Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning! Hello everybody, it's Tuesday. Up and up, next friend in the morning! Up and up, next friend in the morning!

Hello everybody, it's Tuesday. Impersonation Tuesday! What? What does that mean? So, a long time ago, before I knew you, I sent you a clip of me impersonating you. I don't even think you remember. Uh, that sounds rather stalkery. A long time ago, before I knew you, I sent you a clip of me impersonating you. Okay? I just saw you making wow videos, and I was like, I bet he wanted to collaborate.

So I make fun of him. Uh-huh. So I say you think, and little did I know, eventually I would be peeing in your toilet. That's how our relationship ended up, really. It went from you sending me emails to peeing in my toilet. Speaking of which. And me being like, what are you doing in my house? I'm out.

I was like, you just had to go, okay? Speaking of which, if you turn the water on, it helps you go sometimes. That's an interesting tip. It's like they did that in, like, shows. Like, you ever see... No, I... What does that have to do... I thought you were going to impersonate me.

What are you doing? Oh, yeah. Okay, so I'm going to impersonate you. And... We are all over the place today. Fine. You can impersonate me, but I get to impersonate you. Okay, I agree to these terms.

Excellent. Okay, well... Hold on. You have to start the show, because we'reate you. Okay, I agree to these terms. Excellent. Okay, well, hold on. You have to start the show, because we're starting over. Hello, everyone. My name's Jesse Cox, and welcome to Cox and Crandor in the Morning. Crandor, how are you doing? I'm doing pretty well today. Crandor, why are you so monotone all the time?

Why don't you talk like your voice is going to explode from your voice box? That's how we need to open every Tuesday from now on. Yep, it's Impersonation Tuesday. And every Tuesday we impersonate someone different. Oh, that's a good idea. Oh, it is. That's an excellent idea. We can do all YouTube people.

We'll forget it by next Tuesday. We will. We will entirely forget the whole premise. But it's a good idea. I like being you because I don't have to say much. Just be like. Being you is difficult. You gotta like try to talk.

No shit being me is difficult. Speaking of which, of being difficult me. So today I start my brand new like. I'm flexing right now. Which also sounds like I'm taking a dump. My brand new exercise slash diet regimen. I am, for those who have been following my life, basically my mother,

we, about a year ago, I had gone on a full-life workout binge. It was like being awesome. And then I met a nice young lady and everything was doing just fine. And then she dumped my ass and I was like, well, time to fill the void with Snickers. And so I gained, like, half of that weight back.

Snickers and Chipotle. And Chipotle, yes. And so I gained about half that weight back and was like, the other day was like, Jesus, you are a fat ass. And so I decided that today was the day that I start again. And so I'm ready to roll. And last night I went out and went to Chipotle, speaking of which, and had my final burrito ever from pretty much anywhere, I guess. Because I got to eat healthy now.

And there's a guy there. And he's playing the violin. And he's like. Why is he playing the Jurassic Park theme song? Because... It's really sad. No, that song was supposed to inspire awe. The burrito isn't made of, like, velociraptor.

Does it have Snickers in it? It might. You can't eat a velociraptor. They're too smart. The velociraptor. They're too smart. The Velociraptor is like, I say. Oh, dear. There's actually a really amazing episode of an old show called The Critic that was on Comedy Central way back when. And in one of the episodes, it was like every episode was a movie parody.

And they had, I think it was Jurassic Park 2, long before Jurassic Park 2 came out. And they're like, you can't keep a raptor in a closet. They're too smart. And then it pops like a newspaper out under the door and jiggles the door till the key falls out. And he pulls it back up under the door, unlocks the door. And the guy's like, oh, no, are you going to eat me? And the raptor's like, oh, no, my dear friend. He's like, well, you see, we have concocted a crude suspension bridge to the mainland,

wherever which will lie low and assume odd jobs under the name Mr. Pilkington. But perhaps I've said too much. It was an amazing scene. So yeah, I don't know how we got off on Raptors, but... Got off on Raptors? Shut up. Keep going. But so, after I ate my final Chipotle, I went to the grocery store, which is like right next door.

Because I'm not sure if you're aware, but if you shop when you're hungry, you buy like nonsensical stuff. Makes sense. And so I was full. I was good. And I went around and I bought all the healthy things that a growing boy needs. I showed you how to shop. You did. I like how you're accepting credit for that. We went to the grocery store once. And you're like, I showed you how to shop. You did. I like how you're accepting credit for that.

We went to the grocery store once, and you're like, I taught you how. We went twice. Did we? The first time I was there, and then the second time I was there. Oh, that's right. Well, every time you come here, apparently, like, I'm going to the grocery store. Well, I need to buy food, because you don't have any. Well, now I have a ton.

So I went to the fruit and vegetable area and bought a bunch of stuff there, and then I was going to go get granola because, you know, there's all sorts of different kinds of granola and it gets some grains up in you. And so I went to the granola section which is also where they have the breakfast and snack food. I eat almond and granola cereal.

Vanilla almond and granola. Well, I'm not going to eat cereal because I'm giving up milk because milk is bad. Use almond milk! Well, I'm not going to eat cereal because I'm giving up milk. Because milk is bad. Use almond milk. Well, I'm not going to eat milk. Almond milk is good for you and it tastes good. Well, I'm not doing that. I am avoiding all milk and milk-like products.

And really, it's almond juice. Let's be honest. You don't understand. It's not milk. It's not milk. You can't milk an almond. It tastes like milk, which is why they call it that. So anyway, I went to this aisle, and I saw that they had boxes of fruit snacks.

And it hit me, for the price of five bananas, you can get four boxes. Each box has 12 packages of fruit snacks. You can live off fruit snacks for the price of five bananas. I was like, no wonder America's such a bunch of fat asses. Probably get a coupon, too, that's like, and then double your order for free. I was blown away. I was like, it makes sense to me now why we choose to go to McDonald's and get a 99 cents hamburger rather than you know make something at home because it's so damn expensive

in your health later on so it's worth eating healthy I guess you're right so that's what I'm doing and that starts today so the minute I get done here gotta go flex my muscles and go work out again sounds like I'm taking a dump but yeah did you buy yogurt

I did I you buy yogurt? I did. I did buy yogurt. I'm a yogurt. Whatever had the least calories and was in a size that wouldn't, like, yogurt I can only handle, like, a little bit of before I get, like, sick of yogurt. Like, those, like, Yoplait cups, I can't eat a whole one of those because I just get, like, ugh, yogurt. I get drinkable yogurt. Like Go-Gurt? It's like Go-Gurt, but

like grown-up Go-Gurt. I can't see, but that seems like milk, and I'm not doing milk. But it's, no, it boosts immunity. One of the most powerful immune boosts. We do know immunity is what attracts the ladies, so. It attracts all of them. That's why I have to, like, go outside

and, like, pick off all the women that get attracted to me, like magnets. what attracts the ladies. It attracts all of them. That's why I have to go outside and pick off all the women that get attracted to me like magnets every day. That's because you drink your yogurt. It is. You drink it. They see you drinking it and they're like, oh my. Oh my. You must have high immunity. You can look at all the immunity things on how to boost your immunity.

Yogurt is always one of the top three. That's how powerful it is. It has to have cultures in it. If you look at the yogurt, like the back, the nutritional facts thing. Your yogurt must be cultured. It has to be cultured. I'm teaching everyone a lesson. No hillbilly yogurt.

No hillbilly yogurt. This is Crendor's health lesson of the day. Your yogurt has to have cultures in it. So if you look on the back of the thing, it'll say, like, includes cultures. L-C-R-I, Z, B, Z. Yes. You really know what you're talking about. Keep it up, please.

I do. It has L, K, R, I, C, Z. It has things like that. If you see it, you'll know it. Did you just try to find one? Is that what you were doing? I was going to. You, like, moved completely away from your microphone.

I was like, does he really have, like, a yogurt thing next to him? I was looking because I thought I might. Because I have it every day. And that keeps your immunity up, eh? It does. And it's because your body needs the cultures. Because probiotics, that's what they are. They're probiotics. That's what the

cultures are. And that's why if you take antibiotics, it is killing the life in your body, antibiotic, while probiotics give life to the body. And things like the probiotics are what you should be eating if you have antibiotics because they will restore the good bacteria in your system. Well, that is a thing that I will take note of and probably forget. Yeah! Health lesson of the day. You've done your system. Well, that is a thing that I will take note of and probably forget. Yeah! Health lesson of the day. You've done your job. That's what happens when you're a

hypochondriac. I just gotta manage to avoid everything that's sweet and awful. That's my goal. Well, that works too. Yeah, and not go eat someplace that isn't my house. Oh, God. It's too much work. So much work.

Why go to Subway? Or you can go to Subway Oh, God. It's too much work. It's too much work. So much work. So much work. Why go to Subway? Or you can go to Subway and get a sandwich, or you can buy all the stuff and make it yourself. Then you got to make it. I can't go to Subway. I can't go anywhere. I've got to stick to what I bought. I can't hire a chef.

Why not? Because then I'd be like, make it taste good. And you'd be like, I'll add all the butter. Like, good work, Al. Well, tell him not to add butter. Well, then I might as well cook it myself. Because that's what will end up tasting like. Oh, shit.

Looks like no matter what happens, I'm screwed. So let this great thing begin, I guess, the next 60 days or whatever is my goal. And if I can pull it off, then I should be a changed man forever. Just buy Red Baron pizzas. Red Baron's some of the best pizzas. No, I'm not eating pizza. Pizza's gone. Uh-oh.

Whoa. Pizza's gone. I'm going to make things like chicken. I got vegetables and chicken. I'm going to make stir fry without oils and stuff. I got this. I make stir fries. I got this.

They're good. Right? I have a giant wok that I never use. I make stir fries. They're good. Right? I have a giant wok that I never use. I might as well start using it. How could you not use your wok? Because I'm lazy. I use my wok all the time. I should write a health book called Crandor's Health Tips of the Century.

Of the Century. No, it needs to be. Of the Century. All right. It needs to be something everybody's going to buy, even like the old woman that's's looking at books at Barnes & Noble Like, this looks like it'll help my life It needs to be like

The top 1,000 health tips of the century And then you open it I bet you could go on for 1,000 health tips I don't know if they'd all be accurate But you could make 1,000 And you open it And then it just has a list of the numbers 1 through 1,000, and they're all blank. And then the last number of 1,000 says, use your imagination, and it will take you far.

You are high right now, aren't you? You are high as a kite. No. Speaking of high as a kite, I have an amazing story sent to us by a fan about Florida. It's really short and it's amazing. So I want you to sit back, relax, and let your imagination wander or whatever the hell you said at the end of your book. I don't even remember what I said. This is from yesterday in Florida.

Women at home jewelry party foiled armed home invasion by chanting Jesus. Okay. party to hand over their purses, money, and phones. One woman, who had thought it was a party gag, pushed the man's hand aside and laughed saying, it's only a water gun. Ha ha. The woman who hosted the party then stood up and yelled, get out of my house! In the name of Jesus! When the other woman followed

her and led loudly to the chanting of Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, it worked, and the man ran. That's the chanting of Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. It worked. And the man ran. That's the end of the story. That is an amazing story. And not until after he left did they realize it was a real

robbery attempt. They thought it was a joke and were like, get out of my house! Jesus name! That guy had to be like, what the hell is happening? I never really thought of it from his side. He enters the house. A woman

swats the gun out of his hand and goes like, Jesus, get out of my house. In the name of Jesus. The guy was probably like, what is happening right now? It's not worth it. That's the power of Jesus. What's the mysterious ways? I want that animated.

Jesus, Jesus. You guys are like, I don't, what is happening? What's going on, man? What's going on? All right, well, then I guess we can actually move on with our lives. We got a Florida story out of the way. Everything's good. Oh, this is looking great.

We are. We're on time today for our podcast. So I guess it's a good thing that we can go to chapter 7 of the Sky with Crandor. Crandor, how's that traffic out there? Traffic's looking pretty good today. I see a couple buses. They're in a drag race. Kids seem pretty happy about it.

Uh, and down there, there's a blue car. It's the only blue car within a two-mile radius. That's one of the first times I've ever seen that. It's like seeing, it's like seeing a snowflake. It's not like the others. Wait, I meant, wait, no, that's not what it was. Anyway, it's a nice day outside. Go out and play some baseball. Back to you. Thank you. Maybe I will play baseball.

Maybe that'll be the first thing I do on my new Jesse life. Yeah, that's a good idea. Go out and play baseball, by which I mean stand on a home plate waiting for the ball to be pitched to me after 45 minutes. Well, you got to take part in that as well. You have to be the one that's just like, alright, step out of the box. I'll be readjusting my cup every half a minute. Like, hold up, hold up, hold up.

You're gonna be chewing big link chew. That's how the game works. Alright, well then, let's do weather. Maybe it's good weather for baseball today. Yeah, maybe. Let's head weather. Maybe it's good weather for baseball today. Yeah, maybe. Let's head on down to Candy... Yes. Candiohe, Minnesota.

Candiohe? Candiohe. Candiohe. Well, I guess we'd be heading on up to Candandy, Yoheek. They're like in the north. Uh-huh, okay. That's here in Canada. Then we're heading on down. Today it's 31 degrees with fog.

There's only one mile per hour of wind, but there's only a 1.5 mile visibility because of that fog, so don't go too far. 98% humidity. It's practically like Florida up there. And 29.59 inches of pressure. 98% humidity. It's practically like Florida up there. And 29.59 inches of pressure. And local tweets from the area.

We got Antrenuer who says, Manu da zugpion. Let it snow. I'm sorry, what? Manu da zugpoyon. Zu gepon. Let it snow. I don't know what that... Are you reading that right? Is that a person's name? That's in their tweet.

Yeah, okay, but what is... I don't know what that means. Then they just put colon colon let it snow. Say that again. Manu da zu gep pan colon colon let it snow What the hell? I don't know what it means Do any of his other tweets say that?

His other tweets are in some weird language or wait He has some other tweets in weird languages like this one says me no ashki baboon. Happy New Year Hold on what is this language? Like, this one says, Mino Ashiki Baboon. Happy New Year. Hold on. What is this language? Is it Klingon? Please tell me it's Klingon. It probably is Klingon.

Woman Lake said, 155 AM. Woman Lake current temp 30 degrees Fahrenheit. Feels like 30 degrees Fahrenheit. Humidity 100%. Wind calm. Well, they got the weather wrong. They're trying to steal your job. They are. Good thing they got the weather wrong. They're trying to steal your job. They are. Good thing they're bad at it.

Awkward Wanderer said, Curse you, MGA, Pasong, dark heavy clouds. What is going on with the language there? Minnesota, people are just speaking gibberish. They're so frozen. They're so frozen that that's them trying to talk like And just ghost adventure people show up like this man He's speaking in tongues He's speaking in tongues

Oh man I don't know what he's saying man There's He's summoning the demons man Then of course they start doing it too, like, I was possessed, man. I'm gonna start chanting with them to see if I can also summon the demons. The great dark heavy cloud demon teams up with the snow demon to form one of the strongest demons around. They call it the winter demon.

That's weather. All right, now let's talk about sports. Oh, yeah, sports. Well, in sports news, we got Jamarcus Russell, who was the first round pick of the Oakland Raiders back in 2007 and turned out to be a completely awful waste of a draft pick. He now wants to come back to football, but he has gained 50 pounds and weighs 305,

and the only team looking at him is the Jets. He was a Raider so he's used to not winning yeah sports all right let's get to the big new story of the day what do you got all right I got two short ones instead of a long one one is amazing so Super Bowl is coming up right yeah well here's this article it was gonna be one heck of a super bowl party a pair of workers at a frozen food distribution center outside of atlanta georgia made off with 65 000 worth of frozen chicken wings earlier this month fun. Dwayne Patterson and Rinaldo Jackson, who both

worked at the Nordic Distribution Center, allegedly backed a rental truck up to the back of the loading area at the center and loaded 10 pallets of Tyson frozen chicken wings onto the truck. The pair then made off with the poultry, but were seen by management, according

to the police report. Investigators at the Gwinnett County Police Department arrested Patterson and Jackson a week later. They each faced felony theft charges. Hold the phone. Uh-huh. How many chicken wings? $10,000 worth? $65,000 worth.

$65,000 worth! They were going to have the best Super Bowl party ever. How many people were going to be at that party? I just imagine there would be three dudes, and they were just like, screw it, we're eating all the chicken worms. And it says police did not yet know the status of the wings. So the wings are missing? Yeah. Here are the gentlemen. The wings are gone.

Here are the gentlemen that stole the wings. The worst part is, one of them looks like a kid I used to teach. It's probably him. He's like, you know who inspired me to steal these chicken wings? Mr. Cox. Tim Washington, if you're listening. Stop stealing chicken wings. Don't make Washington, if you're listening, stop stealing chicken wings. Don't make me come find you.

Oh, well, it says it's not him because this is Patterson and Jackson. I know, but it looks like him. And I wouldn't put it past him and change his name. He's that kind of kid who would. Tim Washington, don't steal chicken wings. Then how else are other people going to get their chicken wings? That's $65,000 worth of chicken wings that's um 65 000 dollars worth of chicken wings that's impossible to eat that hold on hold on we need to google this all right

oh we're seeing how much they cost yeah i want to see how much this one box of tyson chicken wings costs a case of eight boxes of tyson chicken wings style, weighing 12.75 pounds is $210. I assume that's them adding an extra cost for profit, but that's still, that's eight cases. That's 12.75 pounds. So how much did they steal? How many pallets? Like eight pallets, 10 pallets did they steal? How many pallets? Like eight pallets?

Ten pallets, they said? So they had like a rental truck filled with them. That is insane! Yeah, they backed a rental truck up to the... There's no... What kind of party were they going to throw? Were they going to eat those for the rest of their lives? That's an insane amount!

They would all go bad. There's no freezer in the world big enough for all of those. They loaded 10 pallets. So it's like those wooden things. So $65,000 worth. I can't figure out what they would use that for. It doesn't make any sense. They're going to eat them.

How can you eat that much? All right, first off, they could not cook that much in one day. Like, it's an impossibility. There aren't enough hours in the day to cook that many. It's true. So what were they doing with them? I don't, I don't, I can't comprehend this story. Maybe they were gonna- It's so stupid, it doesn't make any sense.

Or they were gonna have the greatest Super Bowl party of all time. It's so stupid, it doesn't make any sense. Or they were going to have the greatest Super Bowl party of all time. For miles around, people come to his house for his crates of chicken wings. I like the comments. Did the police find them by following a trail of bones? According to the police, the wings are barbecued and presumed delicious. Foul play, obviously. It's wonderful.

That's wonderful. Wonderful. Anyway, other article i got is taco bell pulled an ad that mocked vegetables wait what so taco bell what they're pulling an ad after receiving complaints that it discouraged people from eating vegetables the ad by the fast food chain was touting its variety 12-pack of tacos with a voiceover saying that bringing vegetable trays to a party is like punting on 4th and 1. It said that people secretly hate guests who bring vegetables to parties. The Center for Science and the Public Interest, a health advocacy group,

this weekend urged people to tweet their complaints about the ad and the chain quickly made the decision to pull it. We didn't want anyone to misinterpret the intent of the ad says rob potish a taco bell spokesman the center for science and the public interest thank taco bell for its speedy response two things one they knew what they meant when they made that ad and two they're absolutely right if you bring a veggie tray to a party you're a giant douchebag no one one wants a veggie tray. The host should provide the veggie tray. You bring something delicious

that is good and fatty as crap. Taco Bell's right on. They're not making fun of vegetables. They're saying that if you go to a party, say a Super Bowl party that's coming up, you don't want to be the asshole who brings vegetables to a Super Bowl party. That's what they're saying. And even then, if you're going to eat the vegetables, you're going to eat them. You're not going to be like asshole who brings vegetables to a Super Bowl party. That's what we're saying And even then like if you're gonna eat the vegetables you're gonna eat them

You're not gonna be like oh, it's Taco Bell. I changed my mind. Look you getting lettuce on that taco. Shut your mouth Yeah Why do people get offended by things now that's stupidest I don't know why people get offended I guess the same reason why I have to go starve myself for the next couple weeks. Because people are just like, oh, you can't have fun with your life. I don't know. So they want you to bring the vegetable trays. Yeah, I have to.

I'm the guy. I'm the apple who has to bring them out. Like, look, I can't eat your stuff. I'll just sit here eating my vegetable tray. Well, I'm going to bring like five 12-packs of tacos. Be like, oh, yeah. They're all for me. I'll sit there with my carrots looking at you like, asshole.

I'll be like, oh, you got one box left. You think you want one? Like, no, I'm fine with my celery sticks, thank you. Because, I mean, the celery sticks, they look really good, but this taco is a lot. Oh, no, no, no. This broccoli stock is delicious. No, but I'll trade you a taco for two carrot sticks, a celery stick, and half a broccoli. No, that's okay.

I'm fine with this. I'll throw in a second round draft pick. No, thanks. I'll take in like a second round draft pick. No thanks. I'll take my carrots. Thank you very much. You need to get the yogurt. I'm just saying. Okay, God.

You are really all about yogurt. How do you think I look so young? Is this where we learn you really are in your late 80s? I am. World War II. That was a hell of a time. And the Depression. We would have been happy to have a vegetable tray.

Kids these days. Oh, my God. Today's going to be a long day. All right, guys. That's it. Thank you very much for listening. And we will be back tomorrow for a nice Wednesday, our best day show. Best day.

And we will see you then. So, on behalf of myself and Grendor. To be continued. To be continued. To be continued.