Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor Beta: Tuesday, November 27th

Episode Date: November 27, 2012

It MUST be Tuesday, cause all the sudden things are going bonkers here in the studio. Turns out there was something wrong with the recording Crendor's volume was super loud. It's been fixed, but it's still out of wack. But that's out, we push on! With a news "article" for the ladies... apparently written by asshole men.

Hey there guys, it's Jesse, and before we start this episode of Cox and Crandor in the Morning, just wanted to let you know we had a few technical difficulties. It's all part of the beta process, as you know. So, uh, we had to do some edits, and this episode's just a tad bit shorter than usual. Hopefully you won't mind, and we'll get it all worked out, and we'll be back bright and early tomorrow morning. Thanks for listening. Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crandor! Cox and Crendog!

This is Crendog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios. Recording! Wake your ass up! It's Cox and Crendog in the morning? Hello everybody, welcome back to another episode of Cox and Crandor in the morning. How y'all doing out there? It's bright, it's early, you're waking up.

Or maybe you're going to bed, there's some of you on the other side of the world, I don't know how it works. I don't know what you're doing, just do what you want. Yeah, maybe you were out partying all Monday night. Or you're just up all night reading the internet. That's kind of what we do. That's how we get prepared for the show. Yeah. And that's why we bring you such good news stories.

Mm-hmm. Right? I just became an expert at it. Now it's what I do. Every day, all day. All day. Every day. Except for when I'm not doing it.

Which is never. We're really good at opening shows. The best. And so yesterday, a lot happened, if you remember. Yesterday, we had so much story that we didn't get to finish it all. So much story. And we ended on a tease for today. And I figured we should get right to it.

Which is jump headlong in. No more rambling. We rambled a lot yesterday. We talked about stupid stuff. Today we got to focus. So, what was the story? Rehash it for us. And let's jump into this thing.

The story is ten beauty mistakes that turn him off. That's right. I forgot. Remember what I said? We were talking about nothing? Well, we're about to continue talking about nothing. If you are someone that is trying to think up some beauty mistakes that you don't want to do, well, this is for you.

Wait, what? I don't really know what I'm saying. That's the worst want to do. Well, this is for you. Wait, what? I don't really know what I'm saying. That's the worst segue into anything. If you like coming up with really bad ideas, this is the topic for you. Number one. Eyeliner overload. The raccoon eye make- Oh, these are quotes from actual guys.

The raccoon eye makeup look a la Taylor Momsen is a big turnoff for me. All that eyeshadow and eyeliner makes it look like she doesn't know how to use makeup like a little girl. Lawrence, 22. Number two, makeup mishaps. I don't like it when I can see a girl's foundation at her neckline. It makes me wonder why she doesn't like the way her face looks naturally, and it's clear she wears a lot of makeup. Or at least it's not clear that she can't blend her makeup into her neck,

so it's not obvious. Alex, 31. I love how these are men's concerns! Here's my problem with this. Most guys are not that concerned with this kind of stuff. And the guys who are worry me a little bit. Because if that's the kind of thing, like, look,

she just puts on a little bit too much makeup around her neck. She's got that neck makeup. That's his one turn off. Like, look, if you can't blend your makeup well, that's a deal breaker. Really? That's your thing? Alright. sure. That's what you gotta do.

Most guys don't even notice, like, haircuts or various other, like, big change things, let alone, like, subtle makeup things. I mean, I can't even describe how silly this is. I mean, I can't even describe how silly this is. Blinding pearly whites. Overly white teeth are a turnoff for me. I know you bleach them and it looks synthetic and unnatural. In fact, I think it makes a woman's face look harsh. Brian 42?

There is no guy named Brian 42. Where is this at? Where is this at? Brian 42 is what? Can we look these people up? Is that a Twitter handle? Where is this at? Where is this at? Brian42 is what? Can we look these people up? Is that a Twitter handle? What is this? Well, it just says, like he quoted it, like, dash Brian comma 42. So he's 42 years old.

No one names themselves Brian42. No, that's not his name. It's how old he is. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. I thought these were like their Twitter names or whatever. Like Brian 42. I was like, what?

No. Okay, so he's a dude named Brian who's 42 years old. And he has another quote two quotes later. A Jersey Shore hairstyle. The snooki poof is not an attractive look. Overall, I'd say avoid any look that makes your head seem like it's cone-shaped. I might have to agree with that one. I would agree with that one.

I might agree with that one. Brian42, you're not bad. You're not bad. I'm questioning whether they just went around the office and asked random men. Probably. Because this doesn't sound like something most men would volunteer for. Like, really? You're going to waste my time with this?

I know what happened. So it's lunchtime at the Yahoo office, right? They're like, we need an article. We have to get an article. So they go around. They're just like, Brian, can you read this line I just wrote on this piece of paper? And he's going to be like, what, that overly white teeth are a turnoff for me? I know you bleached them, and it looks synthetic and unnatural.

In fact, I think it makes women's face look hard. Why would I read that? I don't, I don't get it. So many kisses. I'm not a fan of sticky lip gloss. When I kiss her, it feels like she's got honey smeared on her lips.

Plus I don't want to wear her lip gloss after we kiss. Says Jeff, 23 years old. I would take honey. That sounds delicious. If anything That sounds like a reason to go back for more I wish all lips were made of honey

Right? I just had the best mental image Of this woman like Kiss me, Crandor And her lips are just melting Oh my god, it's so twisted And this woman like, kiss me, Crandor. And her lips are just melting. Oh my god, that's so twisted. And you're just like, love that honey.

Just licking them up like, oh yeah. She's like, oh yes, Crandor. It's like the gif of that ice cream guy. Oh, gross. If anyone has ever seen, there's a gif on the internet of like an ice cream man eating himself. And it's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen in my entire life. It's kind of like that level of disturbing. Kiss me, Grandeur.

And you're just like, oh yeah. Oh, that honey's so good. Listen, that would be an ideal world for like so many people. Like the bee on the Cheerios box. And you. And you. The bee, Winnie the Pooh, and you. The worst sitcom ever.

It would be a great sitcom. It's all innuendo. It's all honey innuendo. The entire show, like, hey, B, you get any of that honey today? You know it! Lots of fiber, too! And then Wayne DeBrew's like, yeah, I love honey. Yeah, yeah, I hear you, B. Yeah. Honey's antiviral. Ain't no HIV up in here.

What? What? It's antiviral. Honey's an antiviral thing. You know that? I don't know. I don't know if it's a cure for sexually transmitted diseases, though. I mean... Don't say that. We don't want to get reports of like...

It's not going to be a breeding ground for it. Tomorrow on Yahoo News, it'll be like, couple caught dipping their junk in honey. Both catch herpes. Catwoman nails. I really dislike super long nails they look so unnatural and cat-like and when a girl taps them when she gets impatient makes it even worse was that you trying to reenact that nice it was very nice um let's see i think i i i don't know

what he means but like is he talking like super long like shaquita nails they're like hold on now hold on that call off let me get back to you and she has to like maneuver her fingers in order to type the keypad like the keypad because she can't do it normally or she's talking like just ultra sharp long nails like there's a difference there there is like when it links to something ridiculously long nails is one thing but like just like sharp like um i'm these will leave scratches in your back kind of nails. That's kind of hot. I'm not, this guy might be, you know, thinking of a different thing.

It just linked to super long nails. Like, it hyperlinked. And they're, like, normal nails. So, this guy's an idiot. Okay. Yeah. Alright. He's an idiot.

The only one so far who has any kind of good ideas is Brian42. I'm a fan of Brian. Brian, he's lived 42 long years. He has experience. He knows what's up. Yeah. Super scented. When a girl wears a ton of perfume, I feel like I can't breathe.

If I can't taste my drink because all I can smell is whatever scent you're wearing, I'm probably not going to ask for your number, says Peter 22. But what if, but what if it smells really good? What if she smells like, like dead honey? What if she smells like honey and you're like, oh, I love honey. And you just want to, I mean, you can't,

what happens if you're like in your house and you smell like fresh baked cookies? You're not going to be like, oh, that smells too good and strong. It's overpowering. It smells too good in here. Like, you suck, Pete. I would prefer my woman smell wonderful

than, like, I just got home from the fishmongers, honey. Like, great. In return, I would smell wonderful. Right? Just by being in her presence. It would mask my horrid body odor. Mm-hmm. That's a good reasoning. If anything,

if anything, this is helpful. That guy's a dick. He doesn't know anything. Yeah. Beauty illusions. I knew a woman who would draw a fake beauty mark on her face whenever we would go out. It's just obviously unnatural, and no guy is gonna be into it when your beauty mark washes off in the rain, says Bryce23.

First off, that's a little weird. That is a little weird. Second off, I don't understand the need for that. Did she, like, want to be Marilyn Monroe or something? Like, deep down inside, she's like, I just want to be different, so I'm going to put a big mark on my face. Like, that doesn't make sense. That's just strange. You think we should do something to stand out? Yes, we should. Maybe wear Band-Aids on our face. It doesn't make sense. That's just strange. You think we should do something

to stand out? Yes, we should. Maybe wear band-aids on our face? I'm gonna wear one across my nose, so it looks like I've always been in a fight. Yeah. And women will be like, damn, he could protect me. Little do they know, in any fight, I will leave them

there. I'll be like, take the woman! Leave! She has the money! Take her! And I'll be like, take the woman! Leave! She has the money! Take her! No, run away. Take the woman. Jesse Cox, 2012. I'm the strong romantic type.

I would wear a rubber band. What? All those people have Livestrong bracelets and everything. You just wear a rubber band? Because I'm way too hip for Livestrong bracelets and everything. You just wear a rubber band? Because I'm way too hip for Livestrong bracelets and all that, but I'm still trendy enough to wear something around my wrist. So you're just saying you can't commit to a full-size band, so you're going to go with a little tiny rubber band?

No, those are way too mainstream. In fact, I'm going to try to get rubber band wristbands being sold in my merch store. Are you just going to wear women's hair tie things? No, they need to be rubber bands. Those are close enough. Plus, they have glitter. That's true.

Right? What if I just put glitter on rubber bands? Glitter rubber bands! And then you sell them for $40 a pop. Exactly. You'll be like Armani. People love wasting money. It'll be amazing. Yes. Is there anything else on this list? Fake baking.

I'm sorry, what? I hate when girls... I'm sorry, what? Fake baking. I hate when girls go out of their way to be overly tan, especially if they didn't need it. Oh! Oh! Okay. I was like, oh, okay. I was like, wait, bake, baking? I was like, why would some dude complain about a woman trying to cook? They're just making up the, like, names of the things.

Ugh, okay, yeah. Well, healthy, natural skin is far more attractive than being overly tan. I can agree with that. I can agree with that. I can agree with that. I'd rather have a naturally pale ghost woman than some orange, I don't know, I guess... Orange. Yeah, an orange. Than an orange orange.

No, I guess what we've learned here is that I just don't like the Jersey Shore look. Yeah. Just don't look like you're a 1950s hooker and we'll be just fine just be normal last one confidence killer i dated a woman who would get really stressed out every time she didn't shave her legs for a day or two and insist that i wouldn't like her as much to be honest i'm still gonna think you're hot even if you go a day without shaving your legs

but if you keep declaring that i'm not into you, I'm going to start wondering why I'm into you in the first place, says Michael42. That is a whole can of worms that just got opened there. So wait, hold on, hold on. Mike, who's 42? I like how all these men are still obviously single, and there's reasons now, because they're super effing picky.

But first off, here's the thing. He's... Oh, there's so many layers here. It's like peeling an onion. All right. I'm going to break it down. Read that again. I'm going to break it down. Okay.

I dated a woman who would get really stressed out every time she didn't shave her legs for a day or two. Okay. Okay. So, one, he dates a woman who gets real stressed out when she doesn't shave her legs. Here's the thing. Why doesn't she shave her legs if she gets so stressed out over it? I don't know.

Right? Like, that's a whole other layer. Is she testing him? Does she have some sort of, like, I need to shave, but I don't have time to shave? Why don't you have time to shave? What's the problem? If it's really that big of an issue for you, why are you not doing it? Right?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Continue. And she insists that I would not like her as much because of it. Okay, so she's stressing, and then she's like, you won't love me, yet he's still with her. Which means, then, that she's got some issues because she was in another relationship where the guy was like, shave your legs. She's like, I don't want it.

He's like, shave your legs, I'm going to leave you. And so he left her, and so now she stresses, and she fears this guy's going to do the same. Okay, continue. And so he left her, and so now she stresses, and she fears this guy's going to do the same. Okay, continue. To be honest, I'm still going to think you're hot, even if you go a day or two without shaving your legs. Okay, so then here we go. His reply to all this is, I still think you're hot if you go a day or two.

But notice he says a day or two. That's man code for if it went any longer, I would dump your ass. Right? That's man code for that. I'm not going to lie. I'm going to tell it how it is. He gave a very reasonable man response. Like, look, girl, it's cool.

I don't care. Like, calm down. You know, he just doesn't want any of the flack that's going on there. He's like, I don't care if you go a day or two. But he said a day or two. He didn't say a week. He didn't say, I don't care if you never shave again. He said a day or two. I think it's less about actually shaving your legs and more about caring about your appearance.

Well, yeah, and that's the thing. She cares, but she's worried that he won't care, that she doesn't care but cares. It's like, it's a Rubik's Cube. It's one of those Leonardo da Vinci puzzles. It's crazy. It could go of those Leonardo da Vinci puzzles. It's crazy. It could go the same for a guy, too. Like, it could be some guy that, like, he's like, let's go to a fancy restaurant

and just wear, like, a t-shirt. And he's just like... I like how we equated leg shaving with t-shirt wear. Good work, buddy! I mean, it's an appearance. That's all it is. But again, so stupid. I'm just saying it sounded like a doomed relationship from the get-go.

When that's something where he, and then he replies at the end, you're making me think that, you know, maybe I should. He says, but if you keep declaring that I'm not into you, I'm going to start wondering why I am in the first place. All right. These are things that people say when they already have fallen out of love. Yeah. I'm not like, that kind of relationship was over the minute that even crossed his mind.

Which I'm going to guess they're not together anymore. The minute you have to say to yourself, maybe I should come up with reasons why I don't love you anymore. Is the minute your relationship was already dead. You might as well just both walk away. He says, I dated a woman, so obviously. Yeah, obviously it ended. And I guarantee you that's how it ended, because if that's what he brings up, that's the thing.

And so, yeah. And so his saving grace there, the thing that he thinks makes him look like, I'm very sensitive to women, is his one-to-two-day comment, right? But really, all that's saying is, like, he's probably the guy who was like, shave your damn legs. And she was the one. We've broken this relationship down.

He's the one. He's the one who told her to keep shaving. And she was like, no, I missed a day or two. And he's like, you better shave, woman. We broke this relationship down to its core. The guy was the dick. The woman had nothing. The woman was just trying to be herself.

This guy's an asshole. And they went went to him they went to him for advice welcome to philosophy in the morning with welker and jesse cox good job yahoo i desperately want to go back and listen to what we just talked about and then go through every one of those comments and break it down as some woman went to guys for advice on how women should look or act and what she got was All the reasons why these guys dumped the girls they were with So she just went to a comment. She just went she just went to a bunch of assholes and was like hey Tell me about this girl you were with and like oh my god. This is one girl shit crazy here, so I dumped her ass I mean they probably all work at Yahoo.

So, I mean, that wouldn't surprise me. They write the articles we read. The top comment is, 1800 thumbs up, only 29 thumbs down. I've always found women attractive. Period. Some are prettier with makeup. Some are prettier without.

Some pretty girls are heavy. Some are thin. Some have natural hair. Some are prettier without. Some pretty girls are heavy. Some are thin. Some have natural hair. Some don't. I've met potentially pretty gals with hateful attitudes that make them ugly. I've met some less than pretty ladies whose disposition makes them more desirable than a supermodel. Period. And Yahoo comments

Actually has a smart person For once Notice it's just the comments It was a casual reader who probably stumbled upon the article by mistake Just want to point that out It's shocking It's shocking that this is an article that exists Another thing out there for women

It's like look women You beat up yourselves enough, here's another way to do it. Thanks, Yahoo. Here's a bunch of men in their 40s who are still single who are just beating you down because you're not their perfect woman. So, continue

living. Good luck, ladies. Yeah. Yeah. What a horrible article. I know. That's one of the single most offensive things I've heard. All right. I think I can agree with two things in there. With that said, even though it's offensive, I can agree that too tan is a massive turnoff. And crazy hair that is nonsensical like, again, if you're from the Jersey Shore, I apologize.

You are clearly not for me. Yeah. And if you're listening to our show, we never said any of what we just said. Yeah, we love you. Wow, that was a lot. Okay, I think now we kind of have to go up to chapter copter seven with our man Crendor in the sky. What's the traffic look like out there, buddy? Well, people are going back to work and school after getting all those deals.

They all look pretty tired, though, so there's a lot of crashes out there on the I-9846. There's a huge crash. It goes for about five miles of just backed-up cars. We're going to have to get some more chopter copters to help those people out. We'll see about that on the news later. Back to you. Thanks, Crandor. Wow, it sounds awful out there today.

What's the weather looking like, Crandor? How's it going out there? Well, the weather today. You know what? Let's go national. That's usually what we do. Let's go to some crazy place. That's usually what we do is go national.

Oh, I mean. International? Let's go international. Good work, good work. Okay. Product of the American education system right there. Let's go to Germany. Ooh.

Das ist gut. Ihr Satellitenbild. That means satellite. What? What? It means satellite. I'm sorry, can you say that again? Satellitenbild.

Okay. We're going to go to Frankfurt, Germany. It is 7 degrees Celsius currently. It has the taupunkt of 6 degrees Celsius and a Lufthanscheit of 96%. A Lufthanskite of 96%. A Lufthanskite. Hold on. I'm going to translate this. Humidity.

Oh, okay. Woo. Lufthanskite. I was wondering, like, what that meant. No, it means humidity. Lufth. Wait. Lufthanskite.

Does Lufth mean air? Like Lufthwafa? Maybe. Like, look. I guess so. Maybe it does. Maybe it means cloud? Like Luftwaffe? Maybe. Like, look. I guess so. Maybe it does. Maybe it means cloud. Cloud cover.

I don't... Look, look, I don't know. I don't know. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe.

Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe.

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Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe.

Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe.

Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe.

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Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. Luftwaffe. to learn your language. Yes, by saying, Das ist sehr gut. Good, very

good. That's the weather. Alright, and of course we need to go to sports with Crandor at the sports desk. Well, it's sports today. Jacoby Jones was off. He was sleeping from his hard working yesterday and, uh, we got Martellus Bennett

of the Giants who used his spidey senses to save a fan who fell from MetLife Stadium. What? There was a fan, and the fan apparently fell, and he apparently would have died if Martellus Bennett wasn't there to save him, who said, quote, I'm usually a ninja, but my spidey senses told me he was going to take a fall, so I saved his life, Bennett modestly recalled. He owes me his firstborn or something. Actually, I don't want that.

Maybe a sandwich or something. First off, this guy's amazing. He might be my single favorite player ever. That is an amazing, like, look, I'm usually a ninja, but my spidey senses, like because that is an amazing like look i'm usually a ninja but my spidey sense is like that's an amazing line i was like it sounds like he's crazy but i can accept that he says i was doing what i usually do mosey into the locker room and meandering around naturally i just wanted to step back but i did the righteous thing and i stepped up i caught him i saved his life i tapped into my inner superhero, which I do have.

He's an official badass. I'm going to give him that one. He is. Official badass. All right, that's the sports. And now it's time for our big story. A rhino was cooked to death nine million years ago, fossil reveals. What? years ago fossil reveals the body was baked under a temperature approximating

400 degrees Celsius then dismembered with the pyroclastic flow and the skull separated from the body oh so it's okay so a volcano so did he just step into a this is the dumbest animal like yeah, what's this? Oh, volcano. Yeah. Nice. Nice. Good to know. And so then I assume that the lava hardened and they found his bones in different places then. Yup.

That's interesting. I guess. I mean. All it does is prove that rhino was dumb as shit. Don't want to get that food. Oh, boy. It also proves that volcanoes are dangerous. I don't want to have to quote my favorite quote, but if your keys fall in a stream of lava, let them go because, man, they're gone.

Well, I mean, that's all I got. That was a good big story. That was a good big got. That was a good big story. That was a good big story. That was a little big story. A little big story. I mean, less is more. That's what we've learned today from our other story, from our other article. Less is more, ladies.

Don't fall in lava. Yeah. Yeah. That's the moral of the story. Don't fall in lava for your man. You are beautiful the way you are. Yeah. Yeah.

Unless it's Luf. Yeah. Unless it's Lucian Shrierson. Or it's made of honey. Anyway, that's it, guys. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. And, as always, to be continued. See you later.