Cox n' Crendor Show - Cox N' Crendor: Monday, March 18th 2013

Episode Date: March 19, 2013

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? Jesse has, except he doesn't quite know the lyrics so he made up his own. Also the guys go on a treasure hunt to find 1 million dollars and you can too! And it wrap it all up, we take a look at the world of calorie counting and how you're all doing it wrong.

Hello everybody, it's time for Ghost on Trend Dog! Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning. In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios. Recording! Wake your ass up! It's the next Trend Dog in the morning! Puppet, puppy, puppy, puppy!

Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning! Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, guys, for, like, one podcast. The reason was work. You know, sometimes you gotta work really hard, and then sometimes, like this week, we'll probably end up doing one every day, just because I'm not doing Jack. I ain't doing Jack! StarCraft! The last two and a half days, be it by lack of sleep or fate, I have had that Macy Gray song stuck in my head. I try to say goodbye And I choked

That song Here's the problem I don't think I've ever listened to that entire song In it's like entirety And so I just realized that made no sense I haven't listened to the entire song in it's entirety I haven't listened to the entire entirety of that entire song

But like the entire entirety Is that entire song but like the entire entirety it's like so entire the entire banks entire bank show today we're gonna talk about why you ain't fat and why you should be proud of yourself i'm a big fat bitch i like when she slaps her butt it's like lady you are not fat shut up i know like it's like there's like, lady, you are not fat. Shut up. I know. Like, it's like. There's like some 500 pound woman out there just like, I'm great, Tyra. Oh, there's another heart attack. I feel so bad because it's Tyra like, I'm being as beautiful as like, Tyra, you are like 90 pounds. Shut up.

Yeah. Shut up. This looks like a normal person. Anyway, so I've had that song stuck in my head the entire weekend. And I don't think I know the lyrics. I'm pretty sure I don't, except for the chorus, which I think I know like half the lyrics to that. But it's just been in my head. So I've been making up lyrics to it.

And I'm like, I'm alone and I'm thinking of you. When you're gonna come back and maybe we'll do some things, baby. And I'm like, I just, I'm just walking around my apartment just singing that to myself. And then I break out into the chorus like, I try to say good band. And by the way, that is my Macy Gray voice. I can tell it's very good. Macy Gray. And I don't know when we were setting up here, I don't know if you heard me walk around

whistling it. It's in my head and I don't know the lyrics, which makes it even better so I can make up whatever I want. That song can be about anything. It can be about anything. Those are the best songs when you can make up the lyrics and then it becomes your own song. Right? Jesse Gray.

I try to say good bad. I'm sorry to say good bad. I'm sorry, what was that? It sounded like you were having a stroke. It's too much Polish sausage. Well, that's what I've been doing. What have you been up to, dear friend?

I got sent stuff. I got sent squishables. Oh no. People sent me squishables. Oh, no. Oh, no. People sent me squishables, which I know one was named Amanda Cox. Same last name as you. You're out of the family. She gave me the Cthulhu squishable. And then someone else that is nameless sent me the Yeti and the Red Dragon.

I imagine it was just the company. They were like, you know what? You know what? Just send him stuff. Piss off, Jesse. I would be completely happy with that. Now, which sizes are these? The big ones or the tiny ones? They're like the normal ones.

I don't know what that means. They're like regular size. Like there's many ones. You can't go, they're the normal ones. I'm like, I don't know what that means. And you go, they're the normal ones. I'm like, I don't know what that means. And you go, you know, they're regular size. No, I don't know. You know the one, you know the like Fox one Dodger has?

No. I, um, she has two of them. Well, it's like the bigger one. Oh. Those are the regular size. Oh, look at you. And so, uh, I've gotten those. And then another

fan sent me Polish sausage and he said it's because of Coach Deepka. Wait, someone sent you Polish like just sausage in the mail? Yeah, it came in like a big ass box with like Viking ice. Dude, that's awesome.

It was like Viking ice, keep your products cold. It was pretty great. My sausage was pillaged. So, thank you for sending those things. I like... Oh, yeah. Then another guy from Canada, he sent me a little Skittles shirt that he made.

That's awesome. Oh, is this where you promote your little Skittles shirt? By the way, I have one of my own. By the way, you can go to rodeoarcade.com and buy a Krendor. You can get a little Skittles shirt. They're selling really well. You can buy one and share on the team. I wear mine every time I play a Blood Bowl game. You should not buy his and instead buy mine.

Frankenstein Joe on Rodeo Arcade. It's selling even better. Let's keep it up. Defeat Krendor. Let me beat Krendor at something, guys. I win at everything else. Everything. Everything.

Speaking of winning, oh wait, yeah, what were you going to say? If you want to see me squishable as PO Boxes on my channel, you can go there and see it. You're a bad man. Anyway, speaking of winning, how would you like to win $1 million in buried treasure? It depends what kind of treasure it is. $1 million worth of buried treasure.

Well, it depends what kind of treasure it is. If it's like Kim Kardashian collectibles, like, I don't want it. No, what? I don't want it. I got to go through the troubles of selling it then. Okay, so apparently there's this guy, Forrest Phan. He's a Vietnam vet. He's retired from the Air Force.

And apparently in Santa Fe he created an art gallery. And he and his wife ran it for 17 years. Now, he has clients that are ranging from, like, sort of famous to super famous. To, like, billionaire, wealthy industrialists like the rockefellers and the kennedys and all sorts of people right jennings maybe and in 1988 he retires from all of that and he basically just becomes a recluse and he decides he can spend his time excavating large indian pueblos and writes books about art and exploration and then he decides, I'm old eventually I'll die, I want to do

something crazy, crazy fun and so he says, you know what? I'm going to create a treasure hunt. It's going to be one million dollars worth of treasure and I'm going to hide it somewhere in America and the treasure includes gold coins, gold nuggets, pre-Columbian gold

animal figures, a Spanish 17th century gold and emerald ring, and an important bracelet with turquoise beads excavated from an 1898 location in Mesa Verde. All these things are a total of a million dollars. So you can put them all in a chest, and it's going to hide the chest. And he says that this is a massive treasure hunt. It's legit. It exists. He has the coordinates on him. And he said the first clue, and the only clue I'm going to give you, is this poem.

He says inside this poem are nine clues to tell you where to look. And so also apparently he's doing book signings for his book, which is kind of funny. Like, I wonder if he's trying to sell his book too. And so if you go to his book signing, he promises that he'll give more clues at book signings, which is kind of wonderful. But so here's his clue. And this is, when I saw this, I was like, oh, my God. It's like national treasure. I feel like you and I should make a video of us hunting this.

Because it's amazing. All right, so. It'll just be, like, in a backyard. It's like digging up someone's backyard. And they're just like, what the hell are you doing? It's like, we're finding buried treasure. So, and here's the thing. People have been doing this.

It looks like there's a lot of people who have already actively started. Like they believe they will find this treasure. I guess they're probably like also super rich people who have nothing better to do. But I want to be one of them. Or the people playing the lottery. Right? I think a lot of people think it's like the lottery, except they can like determine their own fate. So here's the poem.

As I have gone alone in there, and with my treasures bold, I can keep my secret where, and hidden, a hint of riches new and old. Begin it where warm waters halt, and take it in the canyon down. Not far, but too far to walk. Put in below the home of Brown. From there, it's no place for the meek. The end is ever drawing nigh. There'll be no paddle up your creek, just heavy loads and water high. If you've been wise and found the blaze, look quickly down your quest to cease. But tarry scant with marvel gaze, just take the chest and go in peace. So why is it I must go and leave my trove for all to seek?

The answer's I already know. I've done it tired and now I'm weak. So hear me all and listen good. Your effort will be worth the cold. If you are brave and in the wood, I'll give you title to the gold. So that's the poem. Okay. There's so many clues in here.

So if we go over the first stanza, I don't know what this thing's called. Well, I determined already. I determined three of the places already. Uh-huh. Okay, go for it. One is a place they film porn at. Why do you say that? There are a lot of sexual references in there.

You can hear them. And then one is Colorado. There's canyons or whatever. And one is the Cleveland Browns Stadium. Alright, alright, alright. First off, that's insane. Okay. But secondly, go through each stanza here. It's like

as I've gone alone in there So it's in something, right? Because he's gone alone in there And with my treasure bold So you don't need to worry about that I can keep my secret where? A hint of riches new and old Retirement home, hospital, babies

People die, babies are born Because he's saying that he went in somewhere And inside wherever that is, there's treasures new and old. Right? So keep that in mind. Begin it where warm waters halt. So warm waters, I would assume, are what? I don't know. Hot springs.

Maybe from the ocean. Are ocean waters warmer than lake waters? I don't know. All right. Well, that's where you begin. Wherever warm water halts, wherever that is, that's where you go. Take it in the canyon down. So you follow that canyon.

But don't go too far. Hold on. It's not far, but it's too far to walk. So, okay. So it's far, but not too far. So it's like in between where it's good. It's like that parent distance where you want to live close to them, but not too close. That kind of thing. So you can see them, but they close to them but not too close, that kind of thing.

So you can see them, but they won't come over all the time, that kind of thing. And then it says, put it below the home of Brown. Brown who? Brown, like the university? The Cleveland Browns. A man named Brown, John Brown? Something Brown. He goes to the Cleveland Browns Stadium anyway, so it's the perfect place.

There is no canyon in the Cleveland Browns Stadium. But Brown is capitalized. Brown is capitalized, so it's the perfect place. There is no canyon near the Cleveland Browns stadium. But Brown is capitalized. Brown is capitalized so it's a name. Then. It is the Cleveland Browns. I told you. From there, it's no place for the meek, so wherever you're going is going to be scary as shit. The end is ever drawing nigh. There'll be no paddle up your creek. So you're going

down like a creek somewhere. Just heavy loads and water high. So is it in a swamp? I don't even know. If you've been wise and found the blaze. So there's a fire somewhere. Or symbolism of fire. Look quickly down. Your quest will see.

So if you find a symbol of a fire or a fire and then you look down, that's where it's at. But Terry scant with Marvel gaze. Just take the chest and go in peace. So he's just saying, don't look too long. Just take the chest quickly. Oh, is it a spinning blade of death? Oh, I hope this guy made death traps. I think it's in Mordor.

It is. The old man is, in fact, Sauron, and it's in Mordor. Speaking of pure evil, and we're going to move on really quickly. So I don't know if you've seen this but it's amazing The History Channel has a show now called The Bible Right? It's basically them doing The Bible Because The History Channel of course

In The Bible goes perfect And so I don't know if you've been reading Twitter But apparently last night Or whenever the show was on The History Channel's devil Is basically a guy who looks like Obama. They found the one actor who just looks like an older Obama. And they were like, you're the devil.

And so it's basically Obama versus some white guy's Jesus. And the internet is flipping out. And it's amazing. And so then, because the History Channel was like, oh, we don't want to get in any trouble, in future airings of this, they've decided to lighten the skin of the man, like digitally lighten it to make him look less like Obama. And all it did was make him look like white Obama. Now the digital version of him looks like Emperor Palpatine and Obama had a baby.

Are you looking that up right now? Yes. Hold on, I'm going to send you the link. Oh my god, it does. Right? It looks exact, I was going to send you a link, but just look it up. It looks like President Obama. And here's the thing, they're like, this is insane.

He doesn't look anything like Obama. He's just a Moroccan actor who has played in a lot of biblical films and TV shows. And we use him all the time to play the devil. And so immediately everyone responded with, why is the devil always a black man then? Oh my god, they're just digging a deeper hole. It's so wonderful. What if it is Obama? Obama is like, look, I got nothing better to do.

I'm going to play the devil on TV. He's just going to come out today and be like, today I played the devil on the History Channel. It was good. Bring it back. Oh, it's wonderful. So, yeah, that's pretty much it in the world of the internet, according to me. That's all that's going on. Buried treasure in Devil Obama.

They kind of just... I bet he buried the treasure by the White House. What? And it's guarded by Devil Obama. No! Well, I guess the fire. I guess that's possible. I was about to say, none of that makes sense. Oh, my God. Now it's starting to all Obama. No! Well, I guess the fire. I guess that's possible. I was about to say, none of that makes sense.

Oh my god, now it's starting to all make sense. The fire! You're looking down! No, no. I'm not going to let you stretch that into using the word brown to associate with Obama. No. No.

We don't need letters. Yeah, we already get letters. We already get letters. A lot of letters. I think it's time we move on to Chopped a cop is out of the sky The criminal is a criminal How's that traffic out there? Traffic's looking good today

We can look down and see everybody going To work, back to work, home To school, back to homework, work home All those things It looks like there's a bunch of people looking for treasure I see one guy, he's already out there with a bunch of people looking for treasure. I see one guy. He's already out there with a bunch of surveillance equipment. He's trying to find this treasure.

And it looks like he's from Florida because he's wearing a bunch of Florida paraphernalia. And it's pretty great. So I hope he finds it. Because then he'll probably waste it on stupid things. Back to you. I'd like to imagine he has a shirt that's like, I left my heart in Miami. Just like... Just like weird... Why would a guy from Florida... You know what's funny is

you would ask the question, like, why would a guy from anywhere wear a shirt that says, like, I love, you know, where he's from? But when you say it about Florida, it makes sense. Like, yeah, I bet someone in Florida would have a shirt that says, like, Florida rocks. They would.

That would not surprise me at all. I bet they have a large collection of Mickey Mouse paraphernalia down there. The Florida Keys sure fit the keyhole. We should go into shirt design. I mean, we already are. That's true. That's true. That's why you should buy our shirts

because they're awesome. They are very awesome. Alright, now let's talk about weather. So, we're going to head on down to Brunswick, Georgia. With significant severe threat Monday. I feel like that's the location of The Walking Dead.

So, it's possible that the severe threat is zombies. Oh, that is possible. Zombies are going to be raining from the walking dead. So it's possible that the severe threat is zombies. Oh, that is possible. Zombies are going to be raining from the sky today. With 48% precipitation. A lot of pressure because of these zombies. They're going to be hitting houses.

Pressure being caused. It's 76 degrees though. Tomorrow it's going gonna be 81 there. Oh man. That is extremely warm. You'll be melting faster than a zombie's face. Yeah, or a snowman zombie.

Oh shit. I feel bad for them. Oh, I saw a thing the other day. So if a zombie gets bitten by a vampire, does the vampire become a zombie, or does the zombie become a vampire? Well, neither, because that is a both of those are not real.

Or, you get a new race of zombie vampires that can, like, fly. Basically, you're talking about the plot of Blade 2, I think. Probably. With those vampires that aren't really vampires. They eat other vampires, like that thing.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's what you're talking about. I think so. That's weather. Great. Great use of time. All right. Now let's talk about sports.

We got some crazy sports news today First off, Tim Tebow He has a possible future in the Arena Football League Yes! Bringing Jesus to the arena He could go to the Orlando Sentinels What? I'm so curious how Tim Tebow went from being world famous

To now it's like enjoy the arena. Yeah. What happened to him? Like one season he was amazing and then the next season they just didn't use him and then it was like see you. You would think there's a team that needs it. Look at the like shitty team. There's like the Arizona Cardinals and the Jacksonville Jaguars. Like they could use a publicity quarterback.

Right? It doesn't make any sense because he's not the best, clearly, but under pressure, he was really good. He beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in the playoffs. That's what I'm saying. Like, they went to the playoffs, and then the next season they were like, meh. And now they're like, get rid of him. What happened?

Seriously. But you could go to the Arena Football League, and that'd be cool. And you could watch him again. No one will watch him. Apparently, Kurt Warner went to the Arena Football League, and then he came back to the NFL and did well. I guess. You never know.

Maybe that's where he'll shine. Maybe that's... I don't even know. It's his time to shine. I don't even know. Greg Jennings also signed with the Minnesota Vikings. Uh-oh. That is going to be a rivalry.

Yes. He was just like, I'm going to go to Minnesota. Did they do that on purpose and now Minnesota will fight the Packers? The Vikings have a tendency of picking up all the Packer players that leave. Right? And I think

it's because they just hate the Packers so much. It probably is. And, I mean, most of the times I wouldn't like them. But then he's Greg Jennings. Plus he's going to have Viking horns on his helmet now. He is. And he's going to be in kind of purplish gear, so he'll look even better.

Oh, my. I am still going to like you, Greg Jennings. And if you catch a touchdown against the Packers, I will still be like, you know what? It's Greg Jennings. Greg Jennings. Greg Jennings. I don't mind it at all. And that's sports. Okay, now let's head over to the news desk.

Sure, that's a place. Welcome back to the news desk. Crandor has the big news story of the day. I was kind of just browsing through the Yahoo articles, and I thought it'd be funnier to just read the headlines some of these articles such as Pope surprises foe with kiss okay or we have which food has more calories a quiz we're taking it we're taking it we're taking taking the quiz taking it we're taking it. We're taking it. We're taking it. We're taking the quiz. We're taking it. We're taking the quiz. Yep. Hold on.

Before we take the quiz, let me just read a couple more. Okay. We got, how far would you go for a pet? Daring helicopter jailbreak. How to cover greys at home. Macy greys? I try to say a, but I don't. March Madness is coming.

Star admits lips have made her career. Which star is this? Lisa Rina. Don't know. Sorry, Lisa. But it's made her career. If you saw her lips, you would know. No.

Obviously. Most of the time when celebrities get those big, puffy, let's face it, they're called blowjob lips for a reason. When they get those big, puffy lips, I feel like eventually those will just, like, droop. They just got to keep Botoxing. Yeah, eventually those lips that were, like, big and puffy when you were 20 at like 45 will just like hang down. Hello! How are you? It's Christmas.

It's like you just went to the dentist. You just went to the dentist and they numbed your mouth. That's what it feels like, but always. It looks like that. You try to like drink water and it just like drips out. It just drips out Like Whatever you try to eat things you just bite your lips cuz they're so big Are they please they feel big when you're there numb you're like I'm

Like chewing on your lip, and you're like oh, no, that's not good for when they feel feels again Yeah, I feel bad for you Lisa Reno right now. Yeah, we feel bad. We feel bad for you, Lisa, Reno, Rena. Yeah, we feel bad for you. We feel bad for you. Only a little bit. Uh, let's take this quiz. So, what has more calories, a muffin or a donut? Donut, that's obvious. Wrong!

What? While the muffin is packed with 570 calories the doughnut has less with 360 what? Yeah, they saying I should eat doughnuts They are oh crap Continue with this please hi uh Jamba juice chunky strawberry topper or Fruit and green oil and it has fruit and granola on it, or four strips of bacon.

Oh, four strips of bacon. Bacon's super healthy. Uh, surprise, while the bacon has just 180 calories, the yogurt granola concoction is 520. Yeah, no duh, bacon is, even though everyone's like, man, bacon's so unhealthy for you, bacon's actually pretty good for you. That's because the pig is God's most favorite animal. Pigs give us everything. They do. Everything.

They're just like, use all of my parts, humans. I am delicious. It's just like a pig dancing. He's just like, humans, come get me. There's some guy from Florida just like, there's that pig. I knew I'd find him. He's got all the good parts. There's a pig just dancing like, hello, my baby.

Hello, my honey. Hello, my right hand girl. He's got his body marked up like he's going to have plastic surgery, but it's like, this is the bacon. And here's the ham. This is where I taste best. Eat ham. Moving on. Applebee's chicken chop salad and the McDonald's Big Mac.

Oh, the salad. All right. Here's something I've learned. Salads at restaurants always have more calories than anything else. Anything else. Fact. Fact. So whatever's about to be said here, I guarantee salad's going to have more calories than anything else. Anything else. Fact. So whatever's about to be said here, I guarantee salad's going to have more calories than the Big Mac. Yup.

Salad has 860 calories compared to the Big Mac's 500. That's why I always think it's funny because usually, especially in L.A., if you go out to different places, you always see the women eating the salads while the men have these giant steaks and burgers. always see the women eating the salads while the men have these giant steaks and burgers. And I feel bad because I want to be like, ma'am, you do realize that I know you're trying to keep the weight down, but that's way more than what your dude's

eating. And then the steak and stuff's giving you protein, so it's building your muscles. Here's a great example. At Chipotle, the burrito bowl is like 620 calories. The salad bowl is like 620 calories. The salad bowl is like 700 something. Yeah.

And the only difference is that one has rice and the other one, it's the exact same thing, except one has lettuce and the other one has rice in it. But a lot of times I see people get the salad bowl and then they throw rice on it. It's like you're getting the exact same thing, but in the reverse order, because in the regular bowl, lettuce goes on the top and this one lettuce goes on the bottom. Well, then all your lettuce on the bottom is going to get all melted and wilted because of the heat bowl lettuce goes on the top and this one lettuce goes on the bottom. Well then all your lettuce on the bottom is going to get all melted and wilted because of the heat from the stuff on top. Exactly.

What is your problem? Plus you're getting like a bunch more calories. I don't understand it. I don't get it. It's like the art of sandwich making. You always have to put the meat on the bread and then you put the condiments on the meat because then it doesn't seep through the bread. Just saying. Doesn't make any sense. Don't make no sense at all.

All right. Continue on, please. We have the Dunkin' Donuts vanilla bean culotta. That doesn't seem healthy. Taking on Jamba Juice's chocolate mood smoothie. All right. Everything from Jamba Juice has a million calories. I don't know.

I would say the mulatta because that seems like it's the Coolata. Whatever. I feel like the first one has less, but also those are like empty calories. While the one from Jamba Juice probably has like fruit and crap in it. Well, the Vanilla Bean Coolata has 850.

Holy crap. While the Chocolate Mood Smoothie has 430. Oh, Jamba Juice, you went out again. Well, okay, for the first time. Jamba Juice. Jamba Juice. Just coming out on top. You're craving a glazed raised donut from Dunkin' Donuts, but you're trying to be good and instead stick with the cinnamon crunch bagel with cream cheese from Panera.

Right choice? No, no, no, no. Panera is like super, super high calorie. I know these things. I have these things down. And not if it's the calories you're concerned about. The bagel with cream cheese is $5.20 while the humble donut is just $2.60.

The humble donut. That's two for two for donuts. Donuts are very humble. Donuts are humble and delicious apparently. They're just like, you know what? I'm not too good. I'm just like I'm okay. Yeah, look, I'm not the best, but, you know, I'll get the job done. It's like donuts.

You're so nice. Donuts are the humblest things they know. Bagels, on the other hand, are assholes. Pompous assholes. It's like, hey, put cream cheese on me. I'm going to taste better than anything else you'll eat all day. Gobble-a-goo. Gobble-a-goo. Gobble-a-goo.

There's the Asian chicken salad at Applebee's or the Denny's avocado burger. I'm giving this one to Denny's. I'm giving this one to Denny's. Applebee's has per capita the most calories of any restaurant ever. And the least real food. Exactly. Never get a steak at Applebee's because per capita the most calories of any restaurant ever.

And the least real food. Exactly. Never get a steak at Applebee's because they'd be like, what is this? It's like they took hamburger and mashed it into a steak form. Yeah. I'm just saying. All right. I'm going with Denny's on this. Denny's has provided me with meals at 2 a.m. for as long as possible.

Help me out, Denny's. Yep. The salad has $13.90, while the cheeseburger has $11.40. Are you 13? Wow. Yep. So if you went there like,

hey, I'm- That's like more than Chipotle. Yeah, like if I'm gonna go get a salad, I'm gonna go to Applebee's, and you're like, mm, this is a delicious avocado salad. In a 2,000 calorie diet, that's like two-thirds of your day. So glad I got the salad. Wow, that's like two-thirds of your day. Yeah. So glad I got the

salad. Wow, that's nuts. Okay, continue on, please. We're helping people, I think, today. We are. We got the Cheesecake Factory and Pizzeria Uno. For what? There's the Cheesecake Factory's Crispy Chicken Costaletta.

Or the Pizzeria's Deep Dish Pizza. Here's what i'm gonna say anything that anything at the cheesecake factory has a million calories and isn't worth it nothing in the cheesecake factory is worth it it's all like i feel i guess i'm okay eating this but except their cheesecake but even that's like 14 million calorie cheesecake because they give you like half a cheesecake slice or like one slice is half a cheesecake slice. Or like, one slice is half a cheesecake. And they're like, here, have 15 tons of whipped cream. I would say that Cheesecake Factory has about a trillion more calories than any deep dish pizza.

You're right. The dish is still loaded with 2,600 calories. No way. How can you legally serve that to anyone? I have no idea. Yep. How can you legally serve that to anyone? I have no idea.

Several hundred more than a 125-pound woman looking to maintain her weight should be eating in an entire day. Right? No way. Hold on. What is the... Pizza is $17.50. That's insane. That's insane. And that's a full-size pizza.

Yeah. That's not like one of those personal ones. That's a full... Cheesecake Factory, fattening America. It's like, it doesn't even look like that much. It's just three pieces of chicken and some potatoes and asparagus. Like, what are they putting in that? And most pieces of-

Like, a piece of chicken, like a thigh or whatever. I'm trying to think of, like, our breast is like 200 calories. So that's 600, plus asparagus, which shouldn't be much, and potatoes. And potatoes, depending on what kind, let's bump that up to, like, okay, maybe that's a 1,200-calorie dish. Somewhere else in there, they're cramming in another 1,400 calories. Where? They're like, you know what? Let's dip it in sugar, and then we'll deep fry it,

and we'll let it sit, and then we'll deep fry it again. That's insanity. It is. Alright. Plus then they give you all that, like, awful bread, and like, make sure to get our super duper smoothie squirt shake. It's

squirtalicious. It's super squirty. Okay, eating a gunji California roll from Whole Foods or chili at Wendy's? You know what? I'm pretty sure that the California roll has more calories, but I would rather eat that over the chili at Wendy's any day. Well, the sushi has 370 while chili has 330, so it's not that much. I was about to say, look, look, I'll take that extra $30 over the chili at Wendy's. As much as I want to eat finger parts.

And as far, I don't know if you ever saw that video, but basically, according to the video, I don't know if it's true or not, but like the old meat at Wendy's is just put into the chili the next day. Yeah, I saw that. So I don't know if that's true, but I'd rather not eat that It does seem like it's true I'd rather eat whatever goes into the sushi rolls at Whole Foods Because at least I know they're the douchebag workers there who are like Oh, we only have the freshest ingredients

At least I know they're being truthful about it It's true That's why I go to Whole Foods Kredor and his douchebag pals. I'm just like, yo, man. You, like, got some of those sushi rolls? He's like, yeah, man. That's exactly how it goes, too.

You and the stoners who work at Whole Foods. Wait, oh, my God, man. We have got the best Terra chips ever. Terra chips, found at your Whole Foods. This is easy. All this is is the first one always has more than the second one. I know. I contemplated saying the second one first to throw you off.

Well, now you can't. All right, guys. That's it. We're done for today. We're done. We will be back tomorrow with another exciting new episode for another Impersonation Tuesday. So we will see you then, and as always,

I want some hot chocolate.