Cox n' Crendor Show - Episode 228 - Trial By Combat
Episode Date: January 27, 2020The boys are back and this time Crendor has tons of stories to tell from his travels - that's right - HE LEFT HOME?!?! The story is even more shocking that that! Also Jesse tries to make an old lady l...augh and a couple caring over a snail is the best thing on earth. That, and trial by combat in the midwest! All this nonsesne and more in this brand new Cox n' Crendor! To get your 15% off your first pair, free shipping, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to http://meundies.com/crendor Get 40% off a Calm Premium subscription at http://calm.com/cox
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Today's episode is brought to you by me undies!
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Also, today we're brought to you by Calm!
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Let's jump into the podcast.
Hello, everybody.
It's time for Ghost on Trend Dog.
Ghost on Trend Dog in the morning.
In the morning!
Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live!
In 4-hour recording studios.
Recording!
Hit me!
Wake your ass up!
It's Cox and Crendor in the morning!
Cox and Crendor in the morning!
Hello everybody, welcome.
It's time for another exciting episode of Cax and Crandor in the morning!
That sounded like we were going to open to a play.
Good morning everyone.
Here we are and we are about to start the show.
In 16th century London.
A man by the name of Snooge McDougalston
works at his
lowly smithery.
But today, a new
adventure awaits him.
Yeah.
And then it's a musical. It's like,
Working in the smithery. I'm working
good. That's a terrible musical.
Speaking of musicals, speaking of musicals.
Yeah.
True love is a flame.
Burned so bright.
It took me a second, but I got it.
Thank you.
Yeah, that was a David Lynch original.
We need to, before we say anything today, what did Jack do?
I don't know, but he might be going to jail.
That is the crazy, you know what?
It was very David Lynch, but it was the least David Lynch-y thing I've ever seen.
Yeah, I suspect a little crazier, but it was still kind of crazy.
I mean, it was a man interrogating a monkey over the murder of a guy named Max for the love of a chicken named Tutabon.
Yes, that is true.
And for anybody that doesn't know, David Lynch released a Netflix movie that's like 15 minutes, and it's about that.
Yeah.
It takes place at a train.
I wrote down notes because I was like, I need to talk to Crandall about this because only he and his mind can understand this.
Right?
Because as we know, David Lynch lays mined eggs which hatch and flow down the river of thought or some nonsense that he said.
Yeah, he catches them.
So I figured you would have those mined eggs that I could tap into.
All right.
I could eat them like mind caviar.
Okay.
So here's my question.
It's in a train station, and David Lynch plays what is obviously a detective but will not admit he's a detective.
is a monkey whose train got delayed because there are cops
everywhere looking for a killer
who murdered a dude
because his
girlfriend was having an affair.
Maybe.
But he also
his previous wife
hooked up with the janitor.
And all I
know is I wrote down these
lines.
You can burn in hell, Jack the Monkey.
That was a line.
This other one was great.
Let's say for argument's sake I was a horse.
Even then, it would be hard to imagine just how hard my wife rode my ass.
Jack the Monkey.
That's another great line.
He sang. There's a song in this about love and how much he loved Tutaban, the chicken.
He says that once you get up under the feathers, there's nothing quite like that pair of breasts.
That's another line.
I mean, it's great.
It's great.
When you think about it, it's obviously just like a story of a dude who is being interrogated for the murder of this guy he thinks is cheating with
his girlfriend, right?
But for the first time ever, I think I see through the code, man.
There is so much more going on.
When Krendor, was it a setup?
Uh, I don't know.
Have I read too much into this?
Was it a setup?
I don't honestly know.
I mean, I watched it once.
I only watched it once.
I'm going on.
I wrote notes, Crandor.
I wrote notes.
That's true.
Well, maybe I need to watch it a second time and write notes.
You need to watch it a second time and not write notes.
I'm letting you know.
I watched the whole thing.
I was totally confused, and I just have been thinking about it for a day and a half.
I love mysteries
so I'm obsessed with the fact that this thing exists.
But more importantly, at the end,
the chicken shows up and he's like,
Tutaban!
He chases Tutaban down
and apparently
Tutaban wasn't cheating on him
and was waiting up all night for him and was like crying
because she was alone and How much she loved him
And I guess because of what happened with his previous relationship
He thought that she was doing the same thing
As his former wife
So he killed her
And here's the thing
At the end she shows up
And she was there the entire time
So either she was there to meet him
Or this is where it gets real deep
She set his ass up Because she wanted him to kill him Or this is where it gets real deep She set his ass up
Because she wanted him to kill that guy
And he did it for her
Oh shit
I know I don't even think that's what the thing's about
But I think that's what I figured out the thing's about
Now I want to watch it again
And look for that
I don't think David Lynch even thinks what I just thought
This was about
Yeah I don't Honestly It was like it was such a bite sized David Lynch even thinks what I just thought this was about. Yeah, I don't.
Honestly, it was like it was such a bite sized David Lynch thing that I was expecting something crazy.
And then that all happened at the end.
I was kind of confused.
And now I need to watch it again to like re soak it in.
Yeah, it's just like watching an episode.
It's 13 minutes of a Law and Order episode Except it's done very film noir style
So every line is like
Listen here, see
The cat's pajamas over there in the corner floor
So watch yourself, daddy
You know, like that kind of stuff
It's nonsense
But then the last two minutes are
A song that a monkey sings
Followed by weird canned screaming
And then a monkey chasing down a chicken
And going, toodamon! Toodamon! by weird canned screaming and then some a monkey chasing down a chicken and going to the bond
which is a thing is that that's the most lynch part the rest of it's pretty standard
yeah dude it's in my brain now the name to the bond is terrible what a terrible name
i just felt like i was watching another david lynch thing i was like i know there's some hidden meaning behind this that I'm not picking up the first time.
That's how every David Lynch thing is.
But I don't know how many David Lynch movies you've watched.
You know, Eraserhead and all the classics, all the standards.
I would be fine if David Lynch released one of these every week.
Because I feel like, I thought this was good.
But I feel like he could do better can i tell you something crazy i too was like oh i would love it if david lynch released
like a wacky weird movie you know it's 15 minutes every so often and then i realized i did some
research this movie he started talking about making this in 2014 oh my god production in 2016 it was released during a film festival thing in 2017
and only now has it seen the light of day well in five years we're gonna get another nice 15
minute chunk of movie you feel like david lynch has to have like some sort of power to like push
it through maybe he's just the one taking forever.
I feel like madness does that to people.
Like, don't you see?
I can't get the monkey's articulations correct.
So I've got to move my mouth at a slower speed when I play the monkey.
That takes like five months.
Who, by the way, in the credits is just played by himself.
The monkey played by himself. David Lynch is a a terrible actor oh yeah he definitely is reminds me of the uh what the
song he's saying about the clown where he's like clown is all the show is that song remember yes
i do because it had like a crazy clown party yeah and then he's like rachel takes her clothes off and things like that and it's like
what the shit's going on party there's the there's the football player who like yeah has a seizure
jack is the quarterback do you think he's like working out his problems this like i feel like
somehow this is related to his childhood,
and he saw this happen, but it took him 60 years to be like,
Susie takes her clothes off.
Johnny is not called a pack.
Yeah.
I feel like he's working through some things.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm ready for it.
Working through crazy stuff is where I want to be in his life.
I want to be on that ride with him.
So, I'm going to give it another watch, and then I'll report back next week and have notes this time on what I see now that I've heard all this.
Yeah, I'm telling you, dive deeper.
It's more than just being silly.
I'm telling you, dive deeper.
It's more than just being silly.
You just got to get in there and really look beyond the monkey talking.
Crandor.
Right.
Definitely got to look beyond.
Get beyond the monkey and look to the subtext.
Come on.
So, yeah. I went to Disneyland
I know, hi everyone, my name is Jesse Cox
I live in LA
Do you think Crandor messaged me to say it was going to be in Disneyland?
Nope, he did not
I had to find out through a tweet
He broke my heart
Would I have loved to go to Disney? Sure
Would I have loved to interrupt the weekend
That he and his lovely
Lady were going to spend together? Yeah, I would have loved to interrupt the weekend that he and his lovely lady were going to spend together?
Yeah, I would have loved to interrupt that.
But was I invited?
No.
No, I wasn't.
Well, you, I mean, you found out I was engaged before I tweeted it.
So there you go.
Yeah, but like, that doesn't involve me.
Inviting me to Disneyland does.
Well, I did the second day day but you're like i gotta work
what a loser um so i have many stories okay yeah so i've been waiting really excited so
first thing we have we have happen is we get our uber or lyft uh And What's this woman and she's like
Oh yeah blah blah she seemed pretty normal
She was nice we're driving
And then she's like so what do you do
I'm like oh I do like YouTube
Wait where'd you fly into
We went from O'Hare to the Orange County
Airport John
Alright so it's not nearly as bad as it could have been
If you would have said I flew into LAX I would have been like
Crandor, you monster.
No.
You monster.
All right, all right, we're good.
We're fine.
We went to John Wayne.
So we're in the car driving or whatever, and the lady's like,
so what do you do?
I'm like, oh, yeah, I do YouTube and stuff.
And she's like, can you sell, like, products on there?
And I was like, I mean, people do, I guess.
And she's like, well, I sell these nutritional supplements.
And she's like, they're not like the other nutritional supplements.
They actually work.
I get letters from people telling me.
And I was like, oh, God.
What are they?
Hold on.
What are they?
What'd she sell?
I don't remember the name.
She gave me a pamphlet, and I threw it out as soon as I walked into the airport.
I would have, too.
I want to know what she sold, because I would love to go look it up.
I don't know.
It was just like, it looked like really bad.
It was like a pyramid scheme type thing.
Because she's like, you can sell the supplements too.
And then I get some of the money and blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, that sounds like one of those pyramid schemes or whatever.
And she's like, no, no, no.
It's better than that.
And I was like, is it it i don't think it is uh so that was a fun time then we get in the security and this lady all right you know how you get you they check your thing and you go in the security
line you wait to put your stuff in the bins to scan it yeah we're this woman we're standing
behind her we're waiting everybody's doing their thing and then we're about to get in the bins to scan it yeah we're this woman we're standing behind her we're
waiting everybody's doing their thing and then we're about to get to the bins and she's like
i've had enough and she goes to the other security line which is longer what yeah everybody just
looked at each other like what like she's about to that's like being in line at McDonald's for like 10 minutes.
You get to like third in line and you're like,
I'm done with this.
And you go to like a different line that's like 10 people long.
I don't know what she was doing.
She was stressed out about something.
I have no idea what.
Yeah, so I like to think she just really likes waiting in lines.
She just keeps swapping back and forth.
She's still there to this day.
Maybe she was a ghost. She was a ghost who haunts the lines yeah uh some say you can still see her move between the lines so so that was a thing so then everything was fine uh we're all
doing our stuff we get through security we got i had like a wrap or
something it was a pretty shitty wrap so i got a cheeseburger mcdonald's instead uh which was
cheaper uh and then we're getting into the plane and the guy really loudly like a few people behind
us is like uh i wrote it down quote it's almost like humans don't expect you to talk to them anymore that guy's so lonely that guy
probably saw someone on a phone was like hey how's it going and they just ignored him yeah he was
like oh that's definitely what it was i'm so alone back here he's definitely the type of person to
like just talk to everyone and then when someone doesn't pay attention or they're like on their phone or their
head pods and he's just like um so that's another guy then we got to the airport uh in orange county
and then we got our lift driver probably the best lift driver uh one of the best all he did was he
was just like all right guys going to disneyland
we're like yeah and he's like all right he just put on jazz and it's just like
and then it's just like
that is uh can i tell you can i tell you my secret i i know it's a little bit more expensive
but if you get one of the different not like like the normal Lyft or normal Uber, but anything else, the XL or the black, usually what happens is you get a person who's like, I'm a professional and this is my job.
And they welcome you to the car and then don't talk to you.
And oh, my God, is it the best?
It's worth the extra like eight dollars
yes i'm like you know what i'll pay for the for not having to talk yeah
that is pretty oh my god it's wonderful um so that was nice and i was like uh we like your
jazz music and he's like thanks helps me chill out in this traffic i was like yeah so it was cool uh then we got to disneyland
uh there's all the disneyland ducks i wrote down disneyland ducks there are a lot of ducks
um then where did you stay at we actually stayed at a uh we stayed near disneyland
like a marriott thing but like in disney's a lot of ducks Is what I'm saying Oh I thought you were saying you stayed in Disneyland
Like at the whatever those places are called
I thought about it
The old Milner's house or whatever
You know the Disneyland resorts
Yeah we thought about it and then we didn't
Uh so
That happened um and then
Oh my god
There were as long as this is happening there's like all the like
corona freakouts whatever like in chicago and then everyone's like what happened in orange county
yeah are you are you patient zero i don't know um but either way you would know let me tell you
i think everyone around me had something because literally everyone on like everybody on the plane, everybody at Disneyland, like everyone was sick.
When we were waiting in line at Galaxy's Edge, it was like this entire family, like the daughter.
The dad was giving her like a little NyQuil thing.
And then she's like pulls out a thermometer and like shoves it in the other kid's mouth.
And then the mom's coughing.
I was like, oh, that's why they're all coughing.
They're just spreading it
around on the thermometer yeah and then there's just like this little girl that walked up to see
the like play from like uh beauty and the beast and she's just like eating popcorn and she's like
i was like get me out of here
so it was in my mind i was like there's there's no way I'm getting out of here not sick. There's no way.
But I would wash my hands.
I bathed in Purell.
Remember that shit?
That was just every ride.
I was like... Oh, yeah.
You got to do that.
Oh, yeah.
When's the last time you were at Disney?
BlizzCon a year before this year.
Okay.
So you are pre-Galaxy's Edge.
You've never been there
when this was out.
Yeah, so we went to Galaxy's Edge.
It was pretty neat.
I liked it.
Yeah, it's cool.
I bought the weird cat.
Oh, the loath cat?
The big mouth cat?
Yeah, you can pet him
and he's like,
brr, brr, brr,
and then he's like,
brr.
Yeah, I know what they're called
because I have no life.
Wow.
Well, I'm going to make a video
where cat meets
him nice very nice it'll be the cat battle i also uh vlogged some of this i'm gonna make a
non-content disneyland vlog uh i took like a bunch of 10 to 20 seconds do you try all the foods
did i try the foods yes when you go to galaxy's edge they everything's like weird
do you try oh yeah i uh got a Coke, like in a weird
bottle. Everything
else had really long lines, though, so I didn't.
I saw the cantina and the milk
and all that. Yeah, the milk is
uh, uh,
the blue one has
like a weird sweet taste, and the green one
has like a floral taste. They both suck.
Yeah, I saw someone drinking the blue one. She's like,
it's coconut! But but there is a thing inside the cantina called like a ronto wrap or something huh oh yeah
i saw that it's just like a hot dog but it's delicious i don't know what they did to it but
it's really good and uh yeah those are fantastic everything else there is all marketing and all
stuff to buy oh Oh, yeah.
It very much is.
Well, they got me because I bought that and I bought another little guy.
And the lady trying to put him in the box cage, she's like, you got to put him in the box cage.
And she couldn't open it.
I'm like, that's fine.
You just carry it.
She's like, no, no, no.
I got it.
I got it.
She couldn't get it.
Did she put on a show or is she just incapable no she's just incapable of getting the
box oh i thought you meant she was like oh this loath cat i can't you know because they do it in
character right they're like bright suns everyone right what if they're like oh i can't this one's
a feisty one that's what i would do if i worked there i'd be like oh dad nab it he won't get in
the cage he'd be like i do a whole show he was very much uh or she was very much uh like struggling
to get the little like handle popped open gotcha okay um yeah so that was that was something but
i was i was vlogging bits and pieces because i was i was watching all these people on youtube
right all these new vloggers you know like the new era vloggers they have like
and they have like fancy texts and they like show little clips from where they're going and they're
like what's up guys here i am at the thing all right and here we go and then it's like
and then it shows more clips from the thing so they don't talk they just play music and like show
they talk but in like little clip portions so they'll be like all right guys well today i'm
packing for this thing.
I'm not feeling too good, but we're going to get it done,
and we'll see how it goes.
And then it shows clips with generic pop.
Not pop.
What's that?
Like chill music, chill vibe, or whatever it is.
Lo-fi.
Lo-fi, that's it.
Not pop, no chill music.
I had to work my way there.
Lo-fi, pop, hip-hop, whatever it is not pop you know chill music i had to work my way there lo-fi pop hip-hop
whatever it is yeah yeah yeah yeah so i need to put that in it it's gonna be good trust me i got
quality film quality um so can i ask you a question yes how long does it take you usually to put one
of those together uh oh i haven't made one of those before well actually maybe a long time ago
I haven't made one of those before.
Well, actually, maybe a long time ago.
Probably take me like an hour.
I film stuff in Washington, D.C., and there's a really funny bit at the end.
And it's hilarious, and it should be online already.
It is now the 26th of January, and I went there on the 1st.
Not even up yet.
It's just sitting on my computer.
Like, I'll get to it.
I'll get to it.
Oh, boy. Aye, aye, aye. Well. Oh on my computer. Like, I'll get to it. I'll get to it. Oh, boy.
Aye, aye, aye.
Well.
Oh, my God.
And then we're waiting in line for the Winnie the Pooh.
I almost said Hinny.
That's not a character. Wait, you went to the Winnie the Pooh ride?
Yeah, because.
The one that's for, like, eight-year-olds?
Yes, because Eeyore was there.
So while waiting for Eeyore we wrote the ride
here's the thing i thought it was a pretty good ride all right and it's weird because it like
hits a point where he like it's like lsd in there it's like he eats the honey he's like tripping out
um and okay there were like these two instagram women and this guy in line for that ride and she
was like my mom was like if you post
anything like that i'm blocking you and then she like kept checking herself out in her like
instagram camera like as a mirror and then they were talking about being like yeah she's got like
a thousand followers that's like that's and then they're like she's got like 20 30 000 followers
that's a lot of followers and i was like like, dude, I got like 20,000.
I don't even use this shit.
I love how we base everything off of
dude, I got 20,000. I don't even use this shit.
I mean, I would choose to say like 100,000
like a million or something. I'd be like, oh yeah, that's a lot.
But like, she says like 20
or 30,000 or 1,000. It puts it into perspective.
Most of the people in the world are not people
we know. I guess we are. Everyone we know is like a billionaire asshole with a million followers.
And we're like, man, I wish I had a million followers.
But most of the world is not that.
Most of the world is like, I have a thousand followers, man.
That's amazing.
Think about this.
In your lifetime until now most people had
i don't know five six friends and now to say that you can i send pictures out to a thousand people
who like it like that's crazy that's crazy talk yeah that is kind of crazy actually what do you
actually remember i remember when i started youtube even then, I remember seeing other people. I was like, man, if I only
had like 20,000 subscribers,
that'd be all
I need. Yeah, and now you're
jaded. Now I'm jaded.
Damn, I'm in a bubble. We're in our
dream bubble.
Yep. Now we just do
a podcast where we talk about Disney
trips. Yeah.
So anyway,
then I got a... Oh my my god that's what I bought I
bought a Yoda backpack so I saw your Yoda backpack on yeah I took a picture
of him on the chair and I pretty much carried him around he's great for just
carrying random stuff like hand sanitizer you wear a Yoda backpack in
your real life no so you bought it just for that and that's it
For Disneyland and then he can sit on a shelf
And I can remember him and he's a cool guy
Okay
And if I ever need just like a
If I go to like a con or something or like whatever
Like if I go to that mini con or whatever
And all that other something
Like I can just bring him along there you go
Bring Yoda and then everyone will be like
And so here's the fun story all right so we go out to eat we go to a nice restaurant for like
our last night and uh i forgot yoda on the floor because i took him off i put him by the table
forgot all right so we're leaving to go to like the downtown Disney and they're like looking at the bags for bag check.
And then me and Toaster Woman both were like, oh, you got to take off Yoda because she looked over and I was like, and then we both looked and we were like, Yoda's in the restaurant.
How did you not know that you were missing a backpack?
How did she not know when she was like, you got to take off Yoda?
Because I was like two glasses of wine in left baby you left baby yoda it was just normal yoda uh side that
so i go uh i go to back to the restaurant and the door's locked but then the woman comes
holding the yoda walking to the door. And she just opens it up.
And she's like, I called you.
But, yeah, I saw you forgot your Yoda.
He was going to be lonely tonight.
And I was like, thank God you found him.
I hate that she was worried for him.
He was going to be so lonely tonight.
That's so weird.
What a weird thing to say.
You could have said, like, Yoda missed you. say You could have said like Yoda missed you
Or you could have been like
I was looking out for you
But she was like Yoda was going to be lonely tonight
What does that mean?
What was she going to do to that Yoda?
I don't know
What does she think you're going to do to that Yoda?
Yoda was going to be lonely tonight
What?
Well that one time I went through the bag check and he was the one person was like all right take your bag off take your bag off and he got to me
and he's like up take off the jedi master see that guy that guy yeah it's pretty good um so
oh yeah at the restaurant there's this woman who was just, like, talking about her relationship very loudly.
She was, like, she was probably, like, a few drinks in.
Uh, and she was, like, under 30.
What restaurant was this?
What?
What restaurant was this?
We ate at the Napa Rose.
Ooh, that's a very good one.
It is.
That's the one thing I, i would go to disneyland just
eat at nappa rose it's delicious yeah me and my friend me and my friend nick are like food douches
and so he introduced me to it like five years ago and ever since then every time i go to disneyland
like gotta eat nappa rose gotta do it i don't care if i gotta like save up pennies i want to
get my like super dinner i get it i get it that place is wonderful yeah so
there's this woman there and she's like under 30 you can get away with it but when you're over
like you should know and i was like what is happening and then she was like i hate that
you only catch snippets and then you tune them out yeah there's so much i need to know and then
she's like and then his kids like she has he hasn't even had me meet his kids yet.
And I was like, oh, God.
Oh, well, that's because that's weird, lady.
Yeah.
Hey, kids, this is the woman I'm dating to replace your mother.
That's weird.
You don't do that.
That takes time.
Yeah, it is weird.
And then later on, she's like, I'm in tears from work, and then I have to deal with this crap.
I can't deal with this crap.
Laura won't even like my decisions.
Well, here's the thing.
I agree with Laura.
You sound like you were incapable of making good decisions.
So Laura probably knows what's up.
Yeah.
Oh, she probably does.
Screaming loudly at Navarro is drunkenly talking about a guy and his kids.
Not a great decision.
So I'm going to side with Laura on this one.
Yeah.
It was, I don't know.
It was a very loud, weird table,
but I'm glad we sat there and got to hear them.
Oh, yeah, and then there was on our way back to the hotel,
because we stayed at the same hotel we went to BlizzCon for,
because we were just like, oh, you know, you save, like, the money.
Honestly, you save the money
walking to eat
at Napa Rose that you would have spent just staying
in a hotel that's got slightly better
stuff and Goofy on the wall.
Slightly better stuff
is always...
Sometimes it's not even the case.
Yeah, that's true.
It's not like Disney World where the hotels on the property are amazing.
Oh yeah, Disney World.
I'd want to stay there.
But Disneyland, like, I don't know.
So we're walking back.
And this couple's, like, walking down.
And they're just, like, kneeling on the road looking at something.
And we were like, what are they doing?
We walked past.
And the guy's just like, I mean, I think he's going to be okay.
He's just a snail doing snail things.
Oh, my God.
I love that couple.
I love them.
They were like, honey, is that snail hurt?
Hold on, dear.
Let me look.
All right.
Well, it appears he's fine.
Just a snail doing snail things.
Oh, thank God.
I was so worried.
They were very concerned about the snail.
I was like, hey, at least someone is.
I love that they were.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Oh, God.
Thankfully, he's safe.
I want to know what they saw and what they thought was normal snail behavior.
Like, what did they see that worried them?
And then, once they looked again, what did they see that they were like, oh, well, he's fine.
It's normal snail stuff.
I don't know, honestly.
But something did because.
Because it happened and you saw it.
And I mean, that was, I think that pretty much was what happened.
That was your entire Disney trip.
And then I met all the, I met Tigger winnie the pooh and eeyore
and finally went to to poo acres where the thousand acre wood area and just that's all
you did we went all over no we also went to the uh we pretty much rode everything we rode
pirates of the caribbean indiana jones twice uh that's the best ride indiana jones best ride
there i'd say close second is the soaring one
Where you're like soaring and they spray the smells at you
Every time I'm there and my mom is like
Let's go to Disney I'm like alright
That's the one we go to every time
Because it scares her to death
She freaks out
I love it
It's so simple you're just sitting in a chair like fake flying
My mom is like
She loses her mind it's so funny oh man it's great
and uh let's see what else uh yeah we rode like all the like weird rides at night because there's
only like a one minute queue like we rode mr toad's thing so i never rode that which was you
know it's like an old ass ride just going a big loop big loop loop de loop thing right or the teacups we did or dumbo uh so
you know we we pretty much got uh it's a small world oh yeah we did it was like a two minute
wait for that so it's a small world and it here's the thing with that. After like two minutes, I'm like, all right, I get it. It's a small world, all right?
It is a trip.
There are parts of that ride where whatever the design is, it looks like you're on acid.
Oh, yeah, it does.
All I'm going to say, if you ever go on that ride, look at the walls and look at the weird sun.
Look at everything besides the kids.
Ignore the kids who are saying, eh, it's a small – ignore those kids.
Look at everything else.
It's like melting walls and weird psychedelic colors and things that shouldn't be there.
Oh, it is strange.
It is.
There's a dark part to that entire ride that I don't like at all.
At the end, there's a giant sun that's like, oh, it's so small.
It is terrifying.
It just reminds me of the Simpsons where they parried it,
and they're like, Duff beer for me.
Duff beer for you.
And then just like Lisa, drink the water,
and then she goes on an acid trip.
Yeah, that's pretty much what it is.
So, yeah, that was fun and then you know coming back oh my god on the plane back again it was like every five
seconds you just hear someone cough or sneeze and i was like get me off this like germ box
it was and then we like had the taxi for like 30 minutes and everyone's like, and I was like, okay, well, uh, this isn't good.
And then that night, last night I was like just sitting there and I was tired
and then I felt it starting to hit.
I was like, oh God, my like lymph nodes, my glands were like getting swollen and irritated.
I was starting to get achy and fatigued and I was like, I'm taking a bath.
So I took a bath and then I
went to bed early.
For me, 3 a.m.
And then I woke up at
noon after my like nine and a
half hours of sleep and I felt great.
You powered through. You did it.
I powered through.
So I think I fought off a couple
coronas and a flu during that
sleep. You really defeated all the viruses. It was the sleep that did it, I think I fought off a couple of Coronas and a flu through during that sleep. You really,
you really needed all the viruses.
It was,
it was the sleep that did it.
I think.
Yeah.
So fun time.
I,
yeah,
I have no stories like that.
I went to San Antonio and I,
we did our car.
We did our,
uh,
scary game squad live show.
Oh my God.
Actually Crandor. Oh my God. Actually, Crendor.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
So we went to San Antonio for PAX, right?
We also did it to do Scary Game Squad live.
I had a lot of fun at the convention.
You know, PAX out there is fun.
It's really chill.
You know how that is.
But when we did our live show, it was at, like, you know Cox's Crandor Live is in a bar slash glorified rock club?
Yeah.
And actual real bands with real talent have been there?
Well, take that and times 50.
We were at the Tobin Center for the Performing Arts.
There are orchestras.
Hold on.
Let me just go.
You have to see this It's insane
Alright
Tobin Center for the Performing Arts
Here are other people that
That are going to be there
Or that were there
Just remember
This is
This is
We went there to go play scary games
And get drunk
Just keep that in mind
Alright
Up next
The San Antonio Symphony
Beethoven's 7th
An Evening with C.S. Lewis starring David Payne
Is one of them
Violin Impossible
Dr. Jane Goodall
60 Years of Discovery
The Monkees
The Beach Boys
I just looked this up it was crazy
Right but then here's the best part
Then
The reason why I was like oh we fit in perfectly
Is because also
Featured is
Blippi Live
Also featured is
Paw Patrol Live Race to the Rescue
Yeah you fit right in.
And The Office, a musical parody.
And such great things as Interstellar Sky Guitar,
a fascinating musical journey between two worlds.
I want you to go down, look this up.
Either go to where it says menu and all.
Okay.
Or I'll send you the link to this guy because once I saw this, I realized this is where I belong.
And I wish I lived in San Antonio.
All right.
Oh, my God.
That guy is already living in the sky.
Right?
Oh, my God.
Here's the crazy thing.
His tickets were more expensive than ours.
Oh, my God. So he's got to put on a better show. I think that's how it works. Oh my god, here's the crazy thing His tickets were more expensive than ours Oh my god
So he's got to put on a better show, I think that's how it works
I just clicked on his
Thing on Spotify and he's actually rocking out
Experience an evening of true
Musical passion and inspiration
Uli takes you on a 360 degree
Journey into his world of artistic
Imagination
Uli John Roth
Has always been a man with a mission And and in 2020, he's embarking on a
truly epic one-man solo tour around the world.
The trailblazing German-born guitar genius of Scorpions fame.
Oh, he's in the Scorpions.
Oh.
So he rocks you like a hurricane.
Oh, I get it.
He just looks like an old hipster, like an old hippie guy.
He does. Yeah, it's's so funny there's so many Join Jane
Jane Lynch and Kate Flannery
In Two Lost Souls
Actually real things happening here
And then there was us
And then we were here as well
It was crazy and so the entire time
It was wild We had so the entire time, it was wild.
We had a sold-out show.
There were, I'm going to say, half a dozen ushers there.
And so as we're doing the show, I come out and I introduce everyone.
And there are all these ushers on the side.
And I realized within moments that they were all, I'm going to say, 40-plus.
Right.
Which hit me.
Not one of them has a clue what our show is.
Not one of them.
And so they have to sit there and watch this show.
And so I made it my life goal for the evening.
Look, for everyone who's in the audience, I love you.
And I hope you had a wonderful time.
But from that moment on, my goal was to make those six ushers laugh.
I was like, I'm going to win those six ushers laugh i was like i'm gonna win
these six people over so help me god there was an old lady and i kept looking over at her and i was
like if she thinks this is funny this shit's funny and so i spent all night trying to make this old
lady laugh i was like i'm gonna get her laugh here's what i learned four of them big fans two
of them they left two of them like not for me but four of them i got and. Two of them, they left. Two of them were like, not for me. But four of them I got, and I felt really good about it.
So that's my big takeaway.
And that was during PAX, right?
Yes, it was during PAX.
And the reason why, people were like, why don't you do a show at PAX?
Because we're drinking live on stage.
I'd love to bring booze to PAX, but I feel like that's not going to happen, gang.
So, you know, it was worth the $20-some dollars.
It was worth it.
Trust me.
Everyone who went had a lovely time.
And if they didn't, they didn't tell me, so.
Are you changing Coxconn to some other thing?
Oh, yeah.
Here's the deal. For people who are curious, Coxconn will uh some other thing oh yeah um here's the deal for people who are curious
their coxconn will not be happening this year because all of the staff who did all of the work
have all aged up and like moved on with their lives and are doing infinitely better things
when they started working with me on rpg makers it was 2012 And they were like teens. And now it's 2020.
They're adults with real lives and real jobs
and real stresses.
And running a con takes a whole year.
Surprise.
And it also takes a ton of money.
And every year it would take more time and more money.
And the more people I brought
and the more we tried to do
just cost more and more and more and more.
And it became one of those things that like
we'd only ever break even.
That's all we ever did.
It was always designed for the sake of being an event for fun.
It wasn't like I'm making bank off of this.
It never happened.
So I was like, all right, well, the staff is moving on,
which means I'd have to bless their sweet souls.
They worked for basically my love that's really what
it was and i you know the fact that they did it for five years it blows me away because lord knows
i couldn't afford to pay them and so uh now i'd have to do that i have to hire a staff right in
order to do that and that's more money which when you're trying to make three video games is also
money you don't have.
So I was like, what do I do?
Either I cancel it.
We talked about this with the staff. I was like, either we just flat out don't do it anymore or we decide that we are going
to move it to the US, which would make it cheaper, but that sort of defeats the point.
We could maybe move it to someplace and do like a really small convention and call it a life and try to like start over from scratch.
And I was like, all those things are fine.
But what if I reached out to Rezzed, which is sort of like the indie game themed developer forward play a bunch of games convention in London.
I've been there a few times.
It's wonderful.
It has a very PAX South vibe to it.
It's super chill, which is exactly what I love. But one thing they don't have is like a huge
community of people who just want to go there just to go there, right? People go there to see the new
games. They, at least in my experience, aren't there because like, I want to see the friends
that are going to show up. And so I immediately thought, what if we tried to bring the Coxconn vibe of that to Rezzed?
It's not like EGX or anything.
One of the bigger conventions that it's impossible to make it have a community vibe because it's so big.
But with Rezzed, I felt like maybe there was a chance.
So I pitched that idea to them, and they were like, yo, that sounds awesome.
like, yo, that sounds awesome. And so they wanted to try and do something in 2021 because Rez 2020 is two months away. And so I was like, well, let's do a test run. Let's see
what happens. And so we agreed to do a test run to see how the community responds, to
see how people show up, to see if anyone's anyone's interested right and so we're doing a whole jesse late night show where i take over after uh the latter half of the day and we're
doing panels during the day and meetups and autograph signings and we're gonna try and make
it uh something where we can form a cool community of the coxconn people that attended coxconn in
telford and bring them into London and hopefully create
something wonderful and special with Rez as the foundation of something new. That's kind of the
way I see it. Honestly, it's, it's my olive branch to the UK to be like, look, Coxconn was beautiful.
I love you. I had a lot of fun, but it's expensive. It requires getting an entire new staff and retraining people
learning things
there's a lot to it
the best solution I could think of
was let's try and do this
and so if it works, amazing
I really truly hope it does
maybe I'd go to one of those
yeah, Rez is great
it's run by ReadPop
the same people who do PAX
who do EGX
Who do all that stuff
And so I was like
Yes let's work on this
Let's do something
Let's make this happen
And it's in London?
It's right in the heart of London
It is a convention that has
The last time I went they had like a hundred indie games
And they're all like
They range from
Life is Strange
level indie, which is not really indie,
to like super indie.
Which is like, this is a game about
being a fairy that cleans the mouth
of kids, right?
You know, like those types of games.
And it's neat. It isn't very showy.
It's right down, it's right
in the middle of Londonondon see that's what
could convince me so i don't have to go anywhere i just go to a london and i'm just like all right
i'm here yeah i mean look if you if 2021 is the year for you you you tell me and i will make it
happen um straight up if you go to the res the website i'm trying to think of the yeah we're
down there the jesse cox's late night show that's us, I'm trying to think of the – yeah, we're down there.
Jesse Cox's Late Night Show.
That's us.
But I'm trying to find the games because I don't care about me.
I don't care about me.
I'll be there.
I'm trying to see what games there are.
There's 250 playable games on the show floor.
And some of the ones that they have on the website right now are things like Iris and the Giant.
I don't know what this game is.
It's a French game that looks beautiful.
It looks like paper craft.
There's Democracy 4 is going to be there.
Oh, my God.
I want to play that and make a dictatorship.
There's King Under the Mountain.
There's Adventure Pals.
Is it the same Adventure Pals that I played with Dodger?
It is!
Oh my god.
Yeah, Unbound.
There's a ton of games there.
And so, it's basically...
How would I describe it?
It's like if Coxconn had an actual, real gaming hall.
Yeah.
It's my dream.
That's what I want.
I want it to have that vibe of like,
it's,
it's res,
but I want to be an added benefit and added value to rest and be like,
look,
we're going to try and make this something that you feel comfortable out
there.
People coming to that.
Isn't just like,
it doesn't feel game Debbie.
It feels like an experience,
a community.
So that's what I hope to bring.
And that's what I hope we can establish together fingers crossed yeah well the only thing i got left to say is i wish
i was able to ride that cars ride but the way it was like 120 minutes oh my god can i just tell you
um i think i told you this the last time i was in cars Land, I was so high.
Oh, my God.
Because you mentioned earlier, you were talking about the fake mountains in Galaxy's Edge.
In Cars Land, they have fake mountains.
Yeah, I love those.
And I was so high that I thought the – I couldn't tell the – I was like, is the sky fake too?
Because everything – I'm telling you, even if you're not high, go look at those mountains and look at the sky.
And because the mountains are so obviously fake, your brain is just like, the sky must be fake too.
I'm telling you, just look at it.
Ignore all the cars that talk to you around, like around you.
Ignore all that.
Look up at the sky at the fake mountains and tell me it isn't trippy as balls.
Now imagine being high at the time and you would be like, oh no.
Oh yeah, I was not in a good place.
I was like, mmm. Yeah, those are
some crazy mountains.
Disney. Speaking of crazy,
why don't you have me on the
audience? Yeah. That's
so crazy. That was my
transition. Very nice. Nailed it. Thank you.
Love is in the
air. So grab some L lysol because it's dirt
uh just kidding um even though it's a made-up holiday it's still really cute and it's the
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Wow.
So I just got those. I love you. And I love that they love each other because that's how I feel about tacos and hot sauce. Wow. So I just got those.
I love them.
Also, I think they still have, if you're still in your Star Wars fandom phase, I think they still have some of the Star Wars prints from the holidays.
I know that I saw the Ewoks one on there still.
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also today we're brought to you by calm calm oh my goodness sleep you need it in your life
oh my god i needed it yesterday i had to fight off all those things right crendor did
nine hours of sleep i bet you could have done more if you had the power of God.
I probably could, but I woke up and I was feeling refreshed.
I was like, I'll take it.
Well, not many people can do that.
Many people don't have that power to just instantly fall asleep and wake up refreshed.
Sometimes you need a little help.
You just got done with all the parties and the New Year's nonsense and the endless shopping and all that stuff.
And now you're back to school or back to work, and it's tough.
It's tough to get back on a schedule, especially this time of year when it's dark out earlier,
and everything's all screwed up, and oh, it's a pain.
Even my sleep schedule's been out of whack.
Thankfully, I have calm, and it helps me, because stress don't worry me at night, right?
I don't have to worry about different things if I've got calm in the background.
And I'm gonna let you know, this is, this is what I've been listening to the last couple
days.
This is my recently played list.
24 minutes of happy little Z's with Bob Ross.
City rain, which is literally just
the sound of... I don't
know how long it is. I think it might be an unlimited
playlist where it just plays
the sound of rain on a window.
Oh, I love that sound.
And it has like the honking of the horns.
I love big city rain sounds.
Oh, it makes me so happy.
And I also
listened to The Ancient Way of Tea
Hmm
Yeah, that one was good
That was really nice
There's also another one that I tried to listen to
But I fell asleep
Called How to Meditate
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So I think I got it
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I'll sit there and just be like, ooh, I am taking 10 minutes for me.
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Calm. All right, Crandall,.com slash cox. Com.
All right, Crandall, let's go to traffic.
I'm going to see if I can find this guy.
Crandall, there's a lot of traffic out there.
Hey, traffic. It's traffic, all right.
There's some planes, trains, automobiles.
Everybody's hustling and bustling on the grind, keeping it real and having a good time.
Unless they're stuck in traffic, in which case they're having a bad time but tell you what watch out for germs back
to you thanks Crandor now let's go to Y-A-N.
Y-A-N?
Yan?
Yan.
Yana?
Yana, Concha, Peru.
Oh, okay.
Hello, Peru.
Yana, Concha, Peru.
Pasco region.
49 degrees. Tonight tonight 42 degrees 10 chance of rain
you had some light winds uh coming out of the south uh monday night however is going to be
rainy as well as monday uh 65 degrees high of 65 degrees like i just said 80 chance of rain you got an 80 chance of uh having
a fun time if you like rain and a uh 20 chance of fun if you don't like rain um monday night 44
degrees 60 chance rain tuesday you got a 90 chance of rain thunderstorms watch out again
and tuesday night 44 degrees 80 chance rain. It's a lot of rain
in Yon-
Yon- Con- Yon- Con- Yon-
Yon- Con- Cha.
Oh my god! I went to
the 10 day. It's literally
thunderstorms like every day.
Probably the rainy season, right?
I would imagine. I guess so.
It's literally
an 80-90% every day.
It's just thunderstorm
every day.
That's the weather.
All right,
Crandor. Sports?
Sports.
Let's see. Pro Bowl happened today.
AFC beat the NFC. They actually
tried out some new thing where instead of
onside kicks, they
get 4th and 15 from the 20-yard line,
and they have to convert it.
And then if they do, they keep the ball,
which is honestly a lot more exciting than an onside kick.
So I hope they keep that.
Yeah, because no one really uses the onside kick all that much.
Well, they try, but it's just extremely unsuccessful.
So this at least has some hype, and you keep the offense out, like you're like oh they can get it maybe they're on fire they
keep you know they get i don't know it's just it's a lot more sure sure uh also kobe bryant died
that was the big news of the day yeah i helicopter crash man that sucks yeah i honestly i do not
trust any like small plane or helicopter like any like personal
thing it's always i don't trust those because that seems like where all the crashes happen
scares me so yeah it scares me so much and i see all these celebrities do it all the time
and i guess it's considered a fluke i understand and that's why it's so terrible and shocking but
every single time it's a small airplane or a small –
Harrison Ford has crashed his plane three times now?
Yeah.
I just – it's terrifying to me, and I keep thinking that I guess it's the convenience of being a celebrity
and you can afford to take private whatever.
But I also think, boy, sometimes it pays to have the federal government, like,
really get on airlines cases
and make them go through some rigorous things.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I would have a lot of anxiety on those,
but that sucks because he's only 41.
I guess his daughter died in it too,
so it's just a sad time.
And then let's see in baseball,
there's the whole like Astros cheating thing.
Still going on.
The Dodgers, a little pissed about it.
Yeah, a little bit.
And then over in the NHL,
they just had the All-Star game,
so they're halfway done with their season.
And that's pretty much it for sports
can i tell you the more i think about the sports segment the more i realize it's not really a
segment for people who like sports but more of a segment for people who don't care but need to know
just enough to get through a conversation with someone oh yeah it really is i mean i have my
football podcast i do every week with Rob,
Alpaca Patrol, Bear Taffy, and Sinvicta,
where we nerd out about football.
It's essentially like my group for football to what yours is for Star Wars
and Illuminati stuff.
Roughly equivalent.
I'm just like, why would they go for it on fourth and one?
You got to run the ball.
You got the momentum on your side they're playing a back they're playing a prevent defense you got
your shift on you got the you know bosses on the left why aren't you running it uh so that's where
we nerd out and go crazy honestly i was tied with synvicta for the best prediction we actually had
a thing where we compared our predictions to all the networks, like ESPN, CBS, all that,
and we were on point with them.
And they didn't even pick all the games.
We picked every game.
So take that, networks.
That's beautiful.
Yeah.
You're very skilled.
Yeah.
It's just I always feel like when I listen to the news we get for sports,
it's always just enough so that if you don't like sports,
you can still be at the office and be like,
oh, yeah, this thing I heard on Cox and Crandor.
And then people will be like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they won't think you're like, you know, a complete loser.
Yeah.
Well, that's what we try to do around here.
You can be a loser, but not a complete loser.
Yeah, don't be a complete loser.
Never go fool loser
yeah um yeah so the super bowl is chiefs verse uh the 49ers i wanted packers titans and because
of that i actually knew for a fact it was going to be chiefs 49ers and it was uh probably also
because they're both better teams so So that also plays into it.
But it'll be a better Super Bowl than last year.
I'll tell you that much.
Who do you think is going to win?
It's actually really, really – I would say I'd put more money on the 49ers
because I think they have a better team.
I was going to say the 49ers too.
Like, you know what?
Shout out to all the Chiefs fans.
Well, the thing is, right, the 49ers have really good, you know what? Shout out to all the Chiefs fans, but.
Well, the thing is, right,
the 49ers have really good defense, pass rush,
and they run the ball.
So when they start running the ball,
they just wear you down.
So the defense gets worn down.
But the Chiefs have at Mahomes a high-powered offense.
So if they get out in front ahead,
the 49ers can't run the ball as much.
So it's going to be like if the Chiefs go up fast, right,
then the 49ers got to play to the Chiefs game. And they're not as strong as that.
So the Chiefs might have the edge.
But if the 49ers go up first, then they'll have the edge.
They can just run the ball, control the clock.
Then the Chiefs have to play to that.
And you get a wacky situation.
If you replaced everything you just said with like the TIE Fighter Twin Ion Engine,
it can only go so fast compared to the X-Wing.
And if the two of them are engaged in combat one has better weapon
damage per firing rate it's the exact same conversation oh my god last week when i was
watching the packer 49er game my dad like the packers just opened up by stopping the 49ers
they got the fourth and one and i was like they have to go for it it's at the 50 yard line they
have to go for it my dad was like no they gotta punt they gotta punt it. I was like, you don't understand.
If they punt this ball, they're gonna lose.
And they punted the ball, and they lost.
I was like, they had the momentum.
They had everything going. You can pick up a yard,
you keep going, you pull out ahead, you play
to your game, you get rid of the 49ers run game
because you start taking a lead, controlling the clock,
and then boom, they give back to the 49ers.
They take the momentum, they get the lead, they control
the clock, and it's all over. I be a coach and that's sports all right crenda what is our big news story
of the day big news story of the day kansas man tries to settle ugly custody battle with trial
by combat with japanese swords i mean it's kansas so you Where else are you going to find trial by combat in Japanese It makes sense
Alright hold on
Okay
A Kansas man is thrown down the gauntlet
To his ex-wife and her attorney
Seeking court permission to settle their
Child custody case on the field
Of battle
I love that he's seeking court
He's like
Your honor I want to fight
For my honor with my sword
And he unsheathes his katana
And the judge is like
I'll allow it
David Ostrom 40
Claims in court papers that
Ex-wife Bridget Ostrom 38
And her attorney Matthew Hudson
Have already destroyed him legally
In their ongoing legal battle in Iowa.
I now wish to give them the chance to meet me on the field of battle
where I will rend their souls from their dot, dot, dot bodies,
Ostrom wrote in the filling.
Filing.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
For Flourish, he said,
I will rend their souls from their bodies. Wait, wait, wait, wait. For Flourish, he said,
I will rend their souls from their bodies.
No, he said,
or I will rend their souls from their bodies.
Oh, yeah, I like this. He asked the judge for a three-month delay
so he could obtain Japanese samurai swords ready for his planned combat.
Wait a minute, he doesn't even own them?
He doesn't even own them yet.
He said he got the idea after seeing the New York case of Richard Luthman,
the Staten Island attorney who also sought trial by combat to settle a beef with another lawyer and his clients.
trial by combat to settle a beef with another lawyer and his clients.
To this day,
trial by combat has never been explicitly banned or restricted as a right in the United States.
Ostrom argued in court records,
adding that it was used as recently as 1818 in British court.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Hey,
you know,
as recent as 200 years ago,
he told the Des Moines register that his wife could choose her attorney
as her champion to stand for
her in battle.
I think I've met Mr. Hudson's
absurdity with my own absurdity,
he told the paper. If Mr. Hudson
is willing to do it, I will meet him.
I don't think he's got the guts to do it.
Two...
You know what? I would love to see two
lawyers go at it with swords i'd actually very much like
to see that that would be pretty great honestly uh hudson referred to himself as the potential
combatant in his own cheeky legal response filed in shelby county district court although the
respondent and the potential combatant do have souls to be rendered they have respectfully request that the court not order this done hudson wrote i love i love how they had to make that
clear yes you do have souls and they can be rendered however we would like you not to do
that please he noted that the potentially life-ending ramifications of a duel surely outweigh their fight over property tax and custody issues.
Of course.
That's so funny.
Until the proper procedural steps to initiate a court proceeding are followed, this court will take no further action concerning any motion objection or petition filed by either party at this
time to judge rule so
no trial by combat
no yeah no trial by combat unfortunately
dude that's so funny
do you think
Anzus man could be the soul render
and like fight for the
main
I hate the fact that there
is now a character named soul renderer I hate the fact that there is now a character named Soul Renderer.
I hate that so much.
I dislike that.
What about that guy?
Was that other guy also from Kansas?
The guy who had the mace and did cosplay and hurt people?
I don't remember.
Where was he from?
I don't even remember that.
This sounds like the beginning of a D&D party
it does
I am the sole renderer
for a LARPing session
both would be great
would be wonderful
and the other two stories
just briefly
deaf man sues
porn hub
over lack of
closed captions
come on
give him some
closed captions
and then
come on
someone get in there and do that.
Falling iguanas are
because they're cold-blooded and they're just
falling asleep and then they kind of hibernate
and then they wake up after a while and they warm up.
Right, they fall on people.
It's science. It's science.
They're just like, ah, shit, I'm back.
Speaking of science, someone figure out how to make
subtitles for porn.
Get on that.
Yeah, get on that.
Closed caption porn.
I can't believe it.
That's it.
All right.
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