Dark History - 166: The Shocking Sex Scandals Behind This Infamous Dictator

Episode Date: April 16, 2025

Hi friends, happy Wednesday! Julius Caesar...military genius, fashion icon, drama queen, and oh yeah—murdered by 60 of his coworkers. We've all heard the name before. Maybe you think of togas, Caesar salads (not from him btw), or that phrase "Beware the Ides of March." Whatever that means. But Caesar’s real story? Lemme tell you... way messier than what they told us in school. From pirate kidnappings to public sex scandals, and flexing on his enemies to literally dumping a bucket of #2 on a senator’s head— history remembers this man as some regal leader. But he was pure chaos. And his murder? Less Shakespearian tragedy and more Game of Thrones energy. So why did Rome turn on their “god”? And did Caesar kind of have it coming? Let’s get into it. This is the Dark History of Julius Caesar. I appreciate you for coming by, and tune in next week for more Dark History. I sometimes talk about my Good Reads in the show. So here's the link if you want to check it out. IDK. lol: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/139701263-bailey FOLLOW ME AROUND Tik Tok: https://bit.ly/3e3jL9v Instagram: http://bit.ly/2nbO4PR Facebook: http://bit.ly/2mdZtK6 Twitter: http://bit.ly/2yT4BLV Pinterest: http://bit.ly/2mVpXnY Youtube: http://bit.ly/1HGw3Og Snapchat: https://bit.ly/3cC0V9d Discord: https://discord.gg/BaileySarian* RECOMMEND A STORY HERE: [e-mail] Business Related Emails: [e-mail] Business Related Mail: Bailey Sarian 4400 W. Riverside Dr., Ste 110-300 Burbank, CA 91505 ________ Credits: This podcast is Executive Produced by: Bailey Sarian & Kevin Grosch and Joey Scavuzzo from Made In Network Head Writer: Allyson Philobos Writer: Katie Burris Additional Writing: Emma Lehman Research provided by: Dr. Thomas Messersmith Special thank you to our Historical Consultant: Dr. Josiah Osgood, author of “Uncommon Wrath: How Caesar and Cato’s Deadly Rivalry Destroyed the Roman Republic” Director: Brian Jaggers Additional Editing: Julien Perez & Maria Norris Post Supervisor: Kelly Hardin Production Management: Ross Woodruff Hair: Roni Herrera Makeup: Angel Gonzalez ________ Check out SKIMS best intimates including the Fits Everybody Collection and more at https://www.skims.com/darkhistory #skimspartner Head to https://www.squarespace.com/darkhistory for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use offer code DARKHISTORY to save 10 percent off your first purchase of a website or domain. Personal styling for everyone—get started today at Stitch Fix dot com slash darkhistory. That’s Stitch Fix dot com slash darkhistory. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://www.zocdoc.com/darkhistory to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.

The other day I was once again googling most scandalous murders in history, you know, as one does. And you know, I bop around, I read stories, and the one that always comes up over and over and over again was or is the murder of Julius Caesar. I know. At first I was like, I always avoid that story because I don't know, the only Caesar Julius Caesar I know of is Little Caesar's pizza, Caesar salad, Julius Caesar, any other ones? Those are the Caesars I know, you know? So when I got to Google in, things started coming back to me. Oh yes, Caesar was stabbed in the back.

It was very dramatic. People love the guy. Why? I wanted to know why. If you Google Julius Caesar, you'll probably read that he was a big time politician and military mastermind. But what caught my eye was none of that.

It was the shocking amount of like scandals, sex scandals this man was caught up in. Some say he was a very horny, power hungry psychopath who deserved to die. Others say that he was actually a genius who was just misunderstood. Either way, he had a wild life filled with juicy scandals. And I am ready. So let's get into it. This is the dark history of Julius Caesar. Hi friends, I hope you're having a wonderful day today. My name is Bailey Sarian. I like to welcome you to my podcast, Dark History.

Here we believe history does not have to be boring. It might be tragic, sometimes it's happy, but either way it's our dark history. Here we believe history does not have to be boring. It might be tragic, sometimes it's happy, but either way it's our dark history. Before we get into it, don't forget to like and subscribe. I'm always posting new content for you. And let me know what you think down below in the comment section, I love hearing from you. And we read some of them at the end. Yeah, we do, hi.

Now let's get into today's story. Well, first and foremost, if you're watching over on YouTube, then you'll notice that me, Joan, and Paul were on theme today. I know, I finally got included in the group chat. Usually, Paul and Joan always show up with a cute outfit on,

and then I show up looking like, like, hello, what about me? Like, wah, wah, wah. So this time, you guys included me and we all came dressed up. Isn't it cute? Okay, that's all. I'm just excited to be included you guys, thank you.

So let me just give you something else to chew on. I'm gonna be talking about Julius Caesar, the person. There are plenty of historians who have covered his battle wins, what he did in politics, and I think that's great and we'll get there, but I wanted to know more about Julius Caesar as a person and then go from there.

So if you're interested in today's episode, we can do a part two where it's about, you know, his battles and all that stuff, but I wanted to get to know who Julius Caesar was because I didn't know anything about him. So don't be mad at me if I don't mention like all of his battles and stuff. I don't really, I'm not,

I don't really like a lot of action movies, you know? So it's like, it kind of makes sense that I don't want to go there. Do you know what I'm saying? Okay, great. I'm glad you understand. So let me tell you about Julius Caesar. His real name is Gaius, Gaius Julius Caesar.

So he was born July 13th in the year 100 BC. So I guess he came from like a really wealthy, very well-connected family. And naturally they use these connections to get into politics. Caesar's dad was very into politics. During Caesar's childhood, his dad had big government dreams

and was elected into several different important political roles. But sadly in 85 BC, he just like died. Caesar, I guess at this time was only 15 years old, so he automatically became the head of the household, meaning that he now had the responsibility of taking care of the family. Now a lot of teenagers might have been terrified by this idea, maybe just really stressed out, but not Caesar. He was always super confident and outspoken. As the son of a powerful politician, Caesar knew he was expected to follow in daddy's footsteps. So he has a lot of responsibilities

now, you know, like he has to marry the right person. And it was decided that he was going to marry a woman named Cornelia. Now this was a very big deal because she was the daughter of the most powerful ruler in Rome at the time. This man, this ruler, his name was Cinnabon. I love Cinnabon, Cinnabon, Cinnabon. Sorry. Let me, okay.

This marriage was not about love. It was all about getting Caesar into the political scene. Right? Marriage was networking, was, was, yes. It wasn't about love. Not long after the marriage, Senna had nominated Caesar to become a flamen dialis, which was essentially an influential priest position.

So you could say this arranged marriage actually worked out. But there was a problem. Caesar was known to be a loud, wild, obnoxious teenager. He grew up in a time of political violence and chaos and Caesar really wanted to get in on it. Like he wanted to get in on that action, he wanted to get that sword, chop people up. He was just, you know, it was raging through him. But instead he was given this boring ass priest job and he was like, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You know, he's like, damn. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. So this job that Caesar got was actually considered a job for older people, you know? So with this job, you know, they had to follow, there's a lot of pressure to like follow these very odd rules.

Like for example, Caesar couldn't go out of town for more than three nights. Okay, fair, you know, you have a job to do, three nights is pushing it. But another rule was that he was not allowed to see any dead bodies. I wouldn't really consider these weird rules, you know? I wouldn't want to see dead bodies.

But like that would rule out any military activity, which is what he really wanted to do. He wanted, you know, he wanted to kill people. So he's like, fine. He also wasn't allowed to ride a horse. He had to be taken around by a chariot. And like that kind of sounds glamorous, but it's more like, it's not manly, right?

He's like, I want to have my own horse. I want to be a man. I want to see dead bodies. And the most annoying part, he had to wear all these ugly clothes and special hats. He was like, ew, I wanna wear something cute. Plus he couldn't even shave or cut his own hair. There was just all these rules that he just did not like.

Just as it seemed like he was going to be trapped in this boring job forever, a war broke out. Ah, ah, ah. Do you guys remember when push-up bras boring job forever. A war broke out. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Do you guys remember when push-up bras were like all the rage? Yeah, they were. Remember? First of all, those bras were not comfortable. My boobs were like up to my chin. Um, and then the underwire would be cutting in so hard. They weren't comfortable, you know?

But hey, listen to this. I recently found out that the push-up bras are making a comeback. Now I'm not talking about the stuff we used to buy in 2004. I'm talking skims. There's this viral bra I've been seeing all over the internet called the Skims Ultimate Bra. It's essentially a push-up bra without the, without the like pain and all that, you know? First of all, very comfortable. I wore mine for a long night out and I didn't have to adjust it once. Plus, it's not bulky. The Ultimate Bra is smooth, gives a lift and support, which we need. Well, I saw a picture of me out that night when I was wearing the push-up bra and I was like, damn girl, boobies up there, Boobies up, lifted, twit, looking good. I like that. Shop Skims Ultimate Bra Collection and more at skims.com

and Skims LA flagship on Sunset Boulevard. After you place your order, be sure to let them know I sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select my show in the dropdown menu that follows. Dark history if you don't know. So Caesar, not thrilled.

He's stuck in this priest job. He's not allowed to do anything, a lot of roles. And then a war breaks out. Now the war was basically between Caesar's father-in-law, Senna, and another powerful Roman leader named Sulla. Senna is killed during battle. So Sulla heads to Rome and he kills all of Sina's leftover supporters. He takes them all out, okay?

And then this guy, Sula, he then took over Rome really quickly because everyone was out of his way. He got rid of them. Get out of my way. Gone. So right away, this man makes a name for himself as a brutal ruler that everyone was afraid of. So apparently, Sula would post lists of people that he hated all over town.

And people would go and they'd look at this list, okay? Now you don't wanna be on this list because essentially this is a hit list. Now, if you wanted to impress Sula, what you need to do was look at that list, track down one of the guys on the list, behead them, and then you would carry the head back to Sula and be like, here you go, master. You know when a cat kills a bird or a mouse or something and they leave like the head on your front door.

They leave it somewhere for you to find and they tell you it's because it's a way of respect. I respect you. Here's the head. You know and you're supposed to be like, oh my god thank you so much for that gopher head. I always wanted one. Wow. It was kind of like that. So when Sula and Caesar meet for the first time, Caesar's kind of scared because Sula is psycho and he usually just kills anyone that he doesn't like, okay? So Sula looks down at Caesar and realizes, okay, this little boy, he's just a wimpy little priest with like kind of like a funny looking hat.

He's not a threat to me. So Sula was like, well, I'm gonna fuck with Caesar anyways because I'm bored. So Sula would told Caesar that he needed to divorce Cornelia immediately. Remember Cornelia was the daughter of Sina. Sula just murdered Sina and like anyone associated with him. So it was like you need to do that now or you're gonna die. Now normally when Sula tells you to do something, you do it because he'll behead you, okay? But not Caesar. Caesar was stubborn and he hated being like told what to do.

He told Sula, no, I'm not doing that. Sula gets very upset by Caesar's resistance. So you know what he does? So he pretty much like calls up the bank and is like, hey, Caesar's money, my money now. He starts taking control of all of Caesar's money. And then he starts threatening his life. Caesar, he may be stubborn, but he's not stupid.

He knows if he pushes it too far, his ass is grass. So instead, Caesar flees the city. So Caesar takes a little breather from Rome to let the Sulla drama die down. And eventually, Caesar's family pulls some strings with their politician friends. They get Sulla to agree to let Caesar back into Rome a few years later. When Caesar returns, he finds a completely different Rome. Sulla had basically purged everyone from the government and wanted to start from scratch.

So he fired or killed anyone and everyone in power. And then once that job was done, he replaced them with his friends and people that liked him. Caesar wasn't worried about it though. He would go with his friends and people that liked him. Caesar wasn't worried about it though. He would go around bragging to everyone about how he'd already escaped death and survived being banished, you know, from this ruthless dictator at such a young age. I mean he's still in his early 20s at this

point. He's cocky, he's young, and he's like, I'm untouchable, huh? But, you know, a lot of people are listening and they're really not buying Caesar's tough guy act. They're just rolling their eyes like, sure kid. Around town, Caesar was known as something called a dandy. I'm a Yankee doodle dandy. I don't know the next line. That's all I think of. I always wondered why he stuck it in his hat and he called it macaroni. Was the hat macaroni or was the feather macaroni? It's one of life's mysteries.

Okay, Caesar. Around town, Caesar was known as something called a dandy. I know, I was like, what's that? Well, a dandy. And I was like, what's that? Well, a dandy is someone who pays attention to their attire. They like to look good. Some could call them vain. You know, back in these days, trying to look nice in an outfit, who do you think you are?

A dandy is what they would say. Well, when someone called you a dandy, it was kind of like a diss, but Caesar didn't care. He was like, I look fabulous. Have you seen my leaves? Have you seen my goals? Have you seen my cloth? He loved fashion. So most of the men at this time, no offense to them, they didn't have much style. And Caesar was just not afraid to stand out when it came to fashion. So most of the normal guys at this time, they'd be wearing just like a short sleeve tunic and like a toga on top of it, usually made out of wool. It was pretty basic, but Caesar, he had these custom made long sleeve shirts with fringe.

I don't know. And he tied the outfit together with a belt. This was just groundbreaking. He understood that he needed to show off the waist and I love that about him. I guess Caesar also had like a little problem with his hair. He started balding from a young age, which was, you know, a bummer for him because in ancient Rome, balding was considered a facial disfigurement. God. Caesar did what he could. He did that nice little comb over that, you know,

hides the spot a bit. He just didn't want to let go of the few strands that he had left. So not only were his outfits a little loud, but he also had the hair. Uh-huh. But you know, Caesar didn't really care what people had to say about his outfits.

He kind of, he loved attention. He liked being different and he liked standing out, except for his hair. He was like, don't look, don't look at me. You know, toppers weren't invented yet, I don't think. So because he was different and trying new things, this put a target on his back. Even though the Greeks and Romans of those days

were constantly naked and very like out there when it came to sexuality, it was still very much a quote unquote macho alpha male society, you know? So Roman men started to look down on Caesar for like being different. And then there were rumors going around about his sex life. According to many historians,

Caesar was a very sexual man. He was known to have sex with married women, specifically the wives of politicians he worked with. And because of his connections, he somehow gets away with this. In fact, Caesar was proud of being a bit of a bad boy. But there were other rumors that were getting under his skin a bit. We spend all of winter hibernating, eating treats and dreaming of creative business ideas to bring to life.

And now it's spring, so it's time to actually make those dreams happen people. We have to just take the first step and that's where Squarespace, the sponsor of this podcast, comes in. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. If you're starting out a brand new business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, create a professional website, and grow your brand. And those are only like a few features Squarespace offers. They have something called Design Intelligence, which uses cutting-edge AI technology to help you build a website that's beautiful and is personalized to you and your company. If you're starting

a nonprofit, Squarespace has this donations function that allows you to fundraise directly on your website. You can even set up one time or recurring contributions and engage supporters with built-in email campaigns and marketing tools. Oh, and one of my personal favorites is the analytics tools. Squarespace offers website and seller analytics so you can get insights on your website's traffic,

understand your website's reach, and you know, if it's growing or not, really? And then pinpoint where to focus new engagement. If this sounds like a cup of tea, head to squarespace.com slash dark history for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code dark history to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Now let's get back to the episode, huh? Caesar by this point had finally been able to get involved with the military. His dream, it's happening. And he was sent on a mission to go to the kingdom of Bithynia, which is in modern day Turkey. So all Caesar had to do was travel down there and secure military support from their king.

His name was Nicomedes IV. Nailed that. He's like, okay, I got this. Let me get on my cute little outfit. So Caesar goes down there and I guess it's quite a success. Nicomedes promised to help Rome with their future military needs. So the job was done. Caesar should have been on his way back home to deliver the news. But instead, he stays and hangs out with Nicomedes in his private court. They're just getting to know each other a little bit. On a more personal level. On a more intimate level. He just wants to see what things look like under the garments, if you know what I mean.

There were eyewitnesses who claimed to have seen Caesar lounging in the king's bedroom, and they even said he was a frequent visitor during his trip. So by the time Caesar got back to Rome, people were talking. Word had got back about some situations that may have taken place. People were talking about Caesar having sex with King Nicomedes. I mean, during his time in the

military, Caesar had a bunch of, you know, sexual relations and many believed they were, a lot of them were with men. This was shocking because it was so public and also with a king. Now listen, gay relationships in ancient Rome, they weren't rare. Like they were actually pretty normal, but there was a don't ask, don't tell kind of mentality, it seems.

And it also seemed that you can do that, but you just need to keep it on the down low. Like don't go around telling everyone. But it wasn't just his alleged fling with the king that made Caesar the talk of the town. There were rumors that Caesar was a bottom. Now that's not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all. That's not a bad thing, but you have to understand in this scenario, this was considered in this scenario, this was considered like a dig, okay? Like if someone called you a bottom, it was kind of like, it was a dig.

Because to the Romans, tops were the ones with power. And if you were someone like Caesar or someone in power, if you're having sex with a man, then you need to be on top because only powerful men are tops. That was their logic. So guy named Gaius Scribonius Curio, here we go with this one, someone very high up in the Roman political scene, added fuel to the fire because he was ready to take Caesar

down. So this guy, he starts running in his mouth to anyone who was listening. He's going around to the people in government, people in the streets. He's like, yeah, that Caesar guy. He's cocky. He's weird. Have you seen his toes? Oh, and did you know that he's a bottom? Now, obviously, this guy's talking shit because he's jealous and whatever, but he's trying to like get people to think of Caesar as not being a, you know, strong someone to look up to. And this narrative starts to take over society. People start thinking, Caesar is not a real man, you know, he's not a top, you know, so he can't be a real leader.

There's no way. So that guy who was talking shit that I can't say his name, Curio, he took it a step further and publicly dragged Caesar by saying that he was quote, every woman's man and every man's woman. Ooh! Every woman's man and every man's woman. Ooh. Every woman's man and every man's woman.

It's kind of poetic in a way. I would want to be every woman's man and every man's woman. That means I can work with all. It's beautiful actually. Well, this was upsetting, okay? Caesar was like, what the fuck? He's publicly denying all these claims, okay? He's like, no, I'm a top, I'm a top, watch me everyone gather around, I'm topping. Yeah, he was pissed.

He was pissed that people were associating him with these like inappropriate rumors instead of focusing on, I don't know, let's talk about like some political achievements I did recently, huh? So Caesar decided to take a job that would give him a more honorable look to the people. So he got a job working as an advocate, which essentially means a lawyer. Yeah, again, you could just like walk into a place and be like, hey everyone, I'm a lawyer.

And that's all the credentials you needed. At this time, being a lawyer was less about legal stuff and more about being an impressive public speaker. Trials were always held in public and there weren't really what we considered professional lawyers presenting cases. It was more so a bunch of men who were great at talking and convincing people that they were right. You've met them, they're still out there. So it was a lot of men who were great at talking and convincing people that they were right.

You've met them, they're still out there. So it was a lot of that. So Caesar gets his first case. Now, he went up against the guy you don't wanna go up against, okay? It was Rome's leading public speaker. Everyone loved this guy. And it was like, good luck to me.

Okay, so Caesar, he does the thing, he loses his first case, but it showed people that he actually, he actually spoke well, he could hold himself well, and people were really impressed by Caesar. Like, yeah, he lost, but this was his first one, like he has potential.

Plus he was only 23 at the time, he had potential to grow and get better. People were taking note. So even though Caesar lost, his speeches had gotten him some fans and he started getting a lot of attention. But Caesar was not satisfied being just a mediocre lawyer. He wanted so much more.

I didn't know any of this. I am learning so much. So he decided to study abroad for just a semester so he could study rhetoric, AKA the art of writing and speaking well. So he's heading to this place to learn how to be the best, right? But on the way, there was a little complication. Caesar was allegedly kidnapped and taken captive by pirates.

Really, I would not think pirate and Caesar crossover. So on their pirate ship, they tell Caesar, they're demanding a ransom be paid for his release. As legend goes, Caesar was like, cool, how much money are you asking for? And the pirates say 20 talents, which I guess 20 talents was like a lot of money. Okay? It's like thousands of dollars today. When Caesar heard

this, he was pissed. He was actually deeply offended because he thought the ransom was way too low. He's like, I'm worth way more than that. Rude. He's like, don't you know who I am? Don't you know who I am? You're going to want to ask for more money. My God, that is, rude. He's like, don't you know who I am? Don't you know who I am? You're gonna wanna ask for more money. My God, that is so rude. Don't you know I'm a top? He's telling the pirates, I'm not, I'm not a bottom. So he's like laughing in their face.

He's like, I'm worth a lot more than that. You can do better. Why not ask for 50 talents? So he's giving suggestions, I guess. While his travel companions are trying to negotiate his release, Caesar stays captive with the pirates and Roman legend has it, he sort of becomes their leader. Instead of being afraid of his captors, he flipped the script, commanding the pirate ship to run more how he liked it. He's like, hey guys, I just have some suggestions.

I'm thinking blue. We should paint the walls blue, maybe get a carpet, a chair over here, some candles would be gorge. So he's just like taking over. You know, he's very fashionable. So Caesar just did like a whole overhaul. They were like on a new schedule. Okay, we're going to bed at a certain time

and you're all gonna shut the fuck up because I'm Caesar and I need booty sleep. And they did it, they listened. Caesar would make the pirate guys listen to him recite poetry and then threaten to kill them if they didn't like his poems. Roses are red, violets are blue. I like poo.

How about you? And everyone's like, oh my God! Wow, Caesar, wow! Because they don't wanna die, you know? You have to really put on a show for him. Incredible, oh my God! These poor people. So at first, everyone was really shocked

by how just bold Caesar was. But then as time went on, they really actually started to like him. He's funny. We like him. Keep him. Eventually, a nearby city came up with a ransom money and the pirates let Caesar go.

He said, goodbye, new friends. Once he was off the boat, Caesar was not just going to move on from this. Caesar convinces the local government to help him gather a bunch of warships so he can capture the pirates. Now the governor wanted to take the pirates as slaves, but Caesar was like, no, they're mine. So he actually makes this happen.

And Caesar had the pirates brought to him and, oh, slit their throats one by one. Could you imagine? You're there, captured, and I'm like, no way, I love that poem. Everybody else hated that poem you did, but Caesar, I loved that poem. It was so good, Caesar, I loved that poem. Dead, it didn't matter.

Ah, so brutal back then, huh? What'd they do with all those heads? I always wonder, like, did they put them on the mantle in their home? Did they bury it? What'd they do? Let me know down below. Pretty much right away, all these stories start circulating about the glorious and mighty Caesar who survived captivity and got revenge on these evil pirates.

It was pretty impressive. People were like, oh, okay. So now Caesar had kind of like moved out of his role as a lawyer and starts proving himself on the battlefield and in politics. So rumor has it he's like really good at psychological warfare and attacking enemies when they least expect it.

So he's building a reputation as like a military genius as the years go by. And again, I'm not really getting into all the nitty gritty of all this because we can get to that in Caesar part two if you want it. Caesar then gets elected as a military tribune which was a high ranking position that put him in charge of thousands

of soldiers. At this point, he's like still in his 20s. So usually if this happens, you know, the more and more popular he gets, Caesar just starts feeling like, oh, invincible, right? He starts taking more risks. And honestly, he's just being like, very careless, especially when it came to the people he was having affairs with. It was kind of like he had a checklist.

He was working his way through all the senators' wives. It seems like he's going out of his way to prove that he is not a bottom. He's like, see, I'm gonna fuck all your wives. Call me a bottom again. I'll fuck your wife. So he's doing that. He's sleeping with all the senators' wives.

And one time he took it just like a, he went too far. Caesar ends up having this years long affair with a woman named Servilia. Servilia was married when she started sleeping with Caesar, but she was willing to risk her reputation because it wasn't just about sex. According to records, she and Caesar genuinely did love each other, but you know,

Caesar always kind of like had a plan in the back of his head. He was obsessed with her, but not just because she was good in bed. She was the sister of Caesar's bitter rival, a man named Cato. Cato was a Roman senator who, personality-wise, was really the opposite of Caesar. He was conservative, he played by the rules, and he was a very principled guy who cared

about his country. Caesar was impulsive, reckless, and made decisions that were all about him, not necessarily like the Roman Republic. And these two, they really drove each other crazy. And the fact that Caesar was having this long ass affair with Cato's sister really pissed him off. He's like, that's my sister. I fucked my sister, not you.

So Cato was like, hmm, how am I gonna take Caesar down? You know? He was going to humiliate him in front of a Senate session, which was like this big public hearing with all the Roman politicians watching. So they all gather. He's like, I'm gonna take him down.

So at this point, a lot of people wanted to take Caesar down because there was this serious rumor, a lot of rumors going around, that Caesar was involved in a conspiracy to take down important people within the government. So he, Caesar, could maintain power. This is what everyone's believing at the time. So Cato's thinking, hey, if I could prove this to be true,

oh, for sure, it'd be over for Caesar, Okay. So they're all gathered at the Senate session. Okay. Everyone's there. Someone passes Caesar a note and he's like, Oh my god, cute. Love this note. And Kato's watching, waiting, buzzing, excited, salivating. He's thinking, Oh, this is it, bitch. I'm about to humiliate his ass. Cato thinks that this note that Caesar's holding is all about Caesar's shady plans and that it will implicate him in front of all the government. The second Caesar gets the note,

Cato stops the session and is essentially like, hey Caesar, hey, I see you got a note there. Why don't you read it out loud to the rest of the class? So people on the Senate floor are thinking like, oh my God, what's going on? What's the drama? What has Caesar done? Read the note, what's going on?

Caesar opens up the note, he smiles, and he looks at Cato, and he's like, Cato, I think you should read the note. So Cato grabs the note, okay? He's like, fine. So Cato starts reading it out loud to everyone, and it goes something like this. Caesar, baby, last night was so hot. I can't stop thinking about your hot bod. Meet me back here at 10 p.m. for some butt loving. Just kidding. We actually don't know what the note said exactly. I was adding a little flavor, but we do know that it was actually kind of like a sext from Servilia to Caesar.

She was straight up sexting him at work. And in the letter, what we know was that it was pretty steamy and it was like about what they had done last night and it was just not to be read out loud. But Kato read it out loud. Kato's whole plan had backfired. I mean, this was humiliating and kind of creepy. It just made him look like an idiot. He was trying to call out Caesar

and instead it just proved that Caesar was getting that pussy. Yep, sorry. So this was humiliating and creepy to say the least. I mean, it made him look like an idiot. People listening to Kato reading the note were just cracking up. And this just further made Kato upset.

He was pissed. So he crumpled up the note and threw it at Caesar. And he said, keep it you drunk. Pizza, pizza. I'll sprinkle in a few pizza pizzas. It became known that Caesar never had to deal with the consequences of his actions. He kept getting elected to even higher positions

within the government, and he was getting more and more popular. It's like, yeah, he was doing everything wrong, fucking all these bitches and stuff, but he was just growing and growing. But then something terrible happened. Caesar's wife Cornelia, yeah, they were still married. He was having a fair. It didn't matter, okay? Anyways, she ends up dying. Yeah. She was

giving birth to their child and she ended up passing away. This left Caesar devastated. I mean, yeah, he was sleeping with everybody else, but that was still his wife. After his wife's funeral, Caesar's like, you know, this is too much. I just, I need to get away. I need a wellness retreat.

So he kind of, he picks up his stuff and he goes to Spain. Now this was just supposed to be like a chill out little trip, you know? But it turns out to be a huge, huge turning point for him and the Roman Empire. This is why you should go on wellness retreats. You might take over the Roman Empire. Spring is here and you know what that means?

Wedding season. And all these weddings I RSVP to are just around the corner and really I have nothing to wear. Look at my wardrobe, it's all black stuff. It's all black tank tops. That's my whole wardrobe. So, you know, I'm like, oh no, what do I do? But then I remembered, I got Stitch Fix.

Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service that makes shopping easy. After you sign up for Stitch Fix, you're assigned a stylist who learns all about your style and budget, then your stylist recommends personalized pieces for you in just the right size. The stylist feature is such a huge help to me because they really go out of their way to find pieces

that not only look great, but feel good, and still are me, you know? It kind of their way to like find pieces that not only look great but feel good and still like are me, you know? It kind of makes me feel like a celebrity with a personalized stylist. And the best part, Stitch Fix does not force a subscription service on you. You can order boxes when you want and how you want, no subscriptions required. You can keep what you love and then send back the rest. It's great, it's easy. They even send you outfit recommendations and styling tips as a little bonus.

So let Stitch Fix do the shopping for you this spring season. No stores, no crowds, no stress. Just personalized looks that you will love. Personal styling for everyone. Get started today at stitchfix.com slash dark history. That's stitchfix.com slash dark history. I'm on a yoga ball. So Caesar goes to Spain. He's there, he's drinking sangria, he's crying about his dead wife. I shouldn't have

cheated on her. Well maybe, I don't know. He's just kind of like spiraling a bit like what am I doing with my life? Who am I? What time is it? Have we invented clocks yet? I'm not sure, you know, as one does. Then Caesar's out walking around and he stumbles upon a statue of his biggest idol. He was obsessed with the conqueror, Alexander the Great. Caesar loved the guy, loved him so much. I mean, if he lived in the 2000s, he would have the posters all over the wall.

Like Alexander the Great was his God, okay? Alexander the Great was a king of the ancient Greek kingdom of Macedon. Now he never lost a battle and is considered to be one of history's greatest and most successful military commanders. Now, Caesar is always compared to him in history. And in Egypt, they have a place called Alexandria,

and it's actually named after Alexander the Great. I wonder how great he was though. We should do an episode on him. I know nothing about him. So when Caesar sees this statue, it's huge, allegedly, I don't know, it wasn't there, he starts bawling, fully just loses it. Caesar, you know, he had a lot of military achievements under his belt, but he felt was feeling ashamed that he hadn't like, I don't know, come close to Alexander's accomplishments. He felt like nothing in comparison

to his, his God, you know? You know when you compare yourself to others and you're like, well at 20, they accomplished X, Y, and Z and then you start feeling like shit, he was doing that with Alexander the Great. So in this moment, Caesar knew that he really wanted to make a change in his life. Then one night, Caesar crawls into bed,

tucks himself in and falls asleep. He goes, meemies. And he has a dream, a dream that would change his life. In his dream, his mother was there. Beautiful, wow. He's like, mommy. But in the dream, Caesar ends up raping his mom. Yeah.

So he wakes up, absolutely horrified, panicked. What the hell was that about? Like he was really disturbed by this dream, okay? He was so bothered by this dream that he went to like someone who was a dream interpreter or a soothsayer essentially, and was like, I had this really fucked up dream, like don't tell anyone.

And then Caesar tells them about his dream. So this dream interpreter guy, he explains to Caesar that look, your dream was more of a metaphor. Now, according to the soothsayer, Caesar's mother represented Mother Earth and the rape equaled conquering. So according to them, Caesar was going to conquer the world.

He's like, oh, is that what raping your mom means? Hmm. Good to know. And Caesar, he was said to fully believe this. Alexander the Great had conquered the world by the time he was Caesar's age and this dream was a sign that he would be just like Alexander. I mean, ugh, a sign! With his new mission of world domination, Caesar heads back to Rome. So at this point he's like 30 years old and he knows he has the backing of the military

and the people of Rome. They absolutely love him. But his coworkers, you know, like within the government, whatever, they, they hate him. Cato tried really hard to prevent Caesar from getting his big promotion, but he wasn't successful. Caesar became consul, AKA one of the heads of the government, but there was a catch. At this time, consuls always served in pairs. Like two people.

And Caesar's co-console was Cato's son-in-law, Marcus. Marcus is like, hmm, I've actually heard about the Caesar guy all my life. Kind of seems like a shitty dude. I'm gonna ruin his life. So Marcus shoots down everything Caesar says. If Caesar wants a new army, no. If Caesar wants a new law, no. If Caesar wants to start his own pizza company, no. But I swear it's gonna do really well and like sell all over the world, no. Marcus

publicly declares that he would rather have his throat slit than play nice with Caesar. I'd be like, then do it. He's all talk. Do it then. What are you afraid of? Slit your throat. But Marcus is kind of a little bitch. He won't say anything to Caesar's face. He'll say it to everyone else, but to Caesar? He wasn't gonna say a goddamn thing to that man. Everyone knew what Marcus was really saying behind the scenes. So Marcus is going around talking, talking, talking,

talking, talking, being a little bitch, and then he had come to Caesar's face and act all nice. Well, guess what? Caesar knew. He had been hearing what this little lame-o was saying. He's pissed, and you know what? Killing the man would be easy. What's more fun is humiliating them.

So Caesar sends someone to gather a bucket full of human poop. I'm assuming it was probably like his assistant or something. He's like, hey, go get some poop. Get some poop, don't come back unless you have poop. I don't care how you get it, just get the poop. I don't even think gloves are invented yet, so just raw dog it.

Get poop, put it in a bucket. Thank you. So this guy's going around getting poop. Hey, give me your poop. Gets a bunch of poop, okay? Comes back. This guy, bucket of poop, comes walking into the meeting. He goes right up to Marcus and dumps the bucket of poop right on his head in front of everyone. Poop! And scene. Thank you so much.

He probably like took a bow afterwards. Thank you everyone. Thank you. And then he left. First of all, if everyone is wearing white wool, do you know how hard it is to get poop out of white wool? Marcus was pissed. He just pooped all over him.

He's been publicly humiliated. He had no power to do anything. Smells like shit, okay? So he steps away. Caesar went on to get a bunch of political wins in the Senate, but after a while, he gets bored. I mean, it's too easy at this point, you know? He's able to just do things so easily.

He needs a challenge. So he decides it's time to go back to where he finds himself the happiest. The battlefield. For the next nine years, Caesar would spend most of his time fighting the Gallic Wars. The Gallic Wars were essentially all about Rome versus Gaul. Exciting, I know. Today, Gaul is known as present day France, Belgium, Switzerland, and Germany.

Gaul had attacked Rome a few times in the past, and there was some fear that they were gonna do it again. So, Caesar, battle hungry, he ordered his army to attack Gaul before they could attack him first. He was like, gather the poop. And Caesar's men just really went for it, okay? They were burning down villages, killing people, men,

stealing whatever they could from these villages, raping the women, poop, oh yeah, just awful. Meanwhile, back home, just awful. Meanwhile, back home, the Roman people are essentially impoverished and having to give what little they have to Caesar's army for the war. So the people at home are wondering, like, why are we even at war right now?

Why aren't you taking care of the people here at home? Like, we need help, you know? Caesar had justified this war to the government and Roman people saying that he had to lead these wars so he could protect the Romans from any future invasion. The truth was Caesar was in a ton of debt. He knew if he fought these battles, he could keep like raiding villages

and stealing all of their gold, money, jewelry, whatever the hell, to pay off his private debts. That's not very nice. He was even known to enslave and sell people to pay off his debts. But back then, like to the everyday person, they really they really did not like care about this. You know sadly slavery and war were so common at the time. And these wars would actually boost Caesar's political career, even though thousands of men were putting their lives at stake.

During these wars, Caesar fought in more battles than any Roman general in history, and he won most of them. I don't know about the others. And his greatest dream started to come true. People started comparing him to Alexander the Great. He was like, oh, he was so excited. I mean, he wrote a series of books called Commentaries,

which was basically a bunch of books talking about how great he was. So all of this, this cocky asshole made Caesar's enemies want to get rid of him once and for all. They were tired. At the time, Caesar had a lot of rivals, right? But his main one was uh his name was Pompey and Caesar was obsessed with defeating Pompey and his army and he wouldn't give up any power until he did. So the Roman Senate really didn't want Caesar to go after, start any issues with Pompey. Okay? It was gonna be too much money, it was personal beef, it was like you handle it

but not with our the government's money, you know? But you can't tell Caesar no, okay? He was like no, F you guys, I'm gonna do what I want. So Caesar was now making it his mission to take down Pompey and he knew like, yes, this was a huge risk going against, you know, what the government told him to do. But Caesar doesn't care, he's gonna do it anyways. But Caesar doesn't care, he's gonna do it anyways. So he knows like, look, I better win because if I lose total humiliation, he would have to spend the rest of his life as a fugitive.

Right? So Caesar heads out there and the whole battle like comes to a head at the Rubicon, which was basically a river that was an important boundary between Gaul and Italy. Caesar knows the second he crosses this river, he would be declaring war. So he's standing there being all wise and whatever.

And this could be the moment that he turns back or whatever. But according to Caesar, suddenly he felt this intense passion come over him. He thought of Alexander the Great and the weird ass dream about raping his mom. He remembered, I'm Julius Effing Caesar, and I'm here to take over the world. After some thinking whatever, Caesar steps into the river

and shouts at his army, Let the die be cast! Which is like, uh, let's freaking go man! Way more fun though. Let the die be cast! Caesar and his army cross the river and the war began. It's getting warmer outside. Sun's out, bun's out, everyone says. and the war began. It's getting warmer outside.

Sun's out, bun's out, everyone says. But every year I promise myself I'm going to go to the dermatologist to get my skin checked out. And every year I kind of forget. You know, because finding a dermatologist in network and getting someone on the phone, getting an appointment, all that stuff.

Deep breath, it's just like another thing to add on the to-do list. But this year, I'm making an appointment with ZocDoc. Oh, because they eliminate all the hassle. ZocDoc, if you don't know, is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. ZocDoc offers in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty, from dermatologist to mental health to dental health,

eye doctor, foot doctor, whatever you need, they have it. You can filter for doctors who take your insurance, are located nearby, and are a good fit for any medical need you might have. Once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings, choose a time slot that works for you and click to instantly book a visit.

I love ZocDoc. I use it for everything. They make appointments. They make booking appointments so easy. With ZocDoc, you can make appointments happen fast, usually within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even like score same day appointments, which is like, wow, okay.

So stop putting off those doctor appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash dark history to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's zocdoc.com slash dark history. Zocdoc.com slash dark history. So Caesar's at war, you know, doing his thing. Meanwhile, back in Rome, a lot of people were also getting sick of Caesar.

They started supporting the enemy and became team Pompey. Plus, Pompey had a much bigger and better army than Caesar. So everyone thought like, Caesar's not gonna win, you know, there's no way. But Caesar, he was sneaky and smart. He managed to defeat Pompey's army. But when he looks around for Pompey, nowhere to be found. Pompey had fled the scene. Pompey was like, I'm not about to be a prisoner to Caesar. He bounced out of there. He got

out of there. He said, bye. So Pompey, he takes off to Alexandria, Egypt, where he was told he would be safe. When Pompey boarded the boat, he waves goodbye to the shore, relieved that like, oh shit, I got away from that Caesar guy. But as soon as Pompey arrives in Egypt, the men on his boat stab him to death. Then they chop off Pompey's head, take a prized ring from his finger,

and then dumped his body into the ocean. So just like a cat, they took Pompey's head and ring to present to Caesar. You know, like, here, look at what we did. Did we do good? Who would, what head would you want? Honestly, Ronald McDonald. I would want Ronald McDonald's head

because I was always so afraid of him. And honestly, look what he did to us. Addictive rise. Bring me his head. That's the only head I will accept. When Caesar was shown Pompey's ring, the one that they took, not even his head, just the ring, Caesar started bowling, bowling.

And then they were like, hey, we have a head. You want to see the head? And they started like opening it up. And Caesar was like, no, and he shielded his eyes. He's like, no, don't show it. He didn't even want to look. He didn't even look at the head. He couldn't look at the head.

Don't show me that head. So, you know, yeah, they were enemies, but Caesar actually had a lot of respect for the guy. And in a way, I think rumor has it, like Caesar enjoyed chasing this guy. And this guy, Pompey, was like so good that finally Caesar had like competition. Because everything else, everyone else was dumb and easy or whatever,

but this Pompey guy was smart. I don't think he really wanted him dead, okay? So when he sees the head and realizes, oh shit, this Pompey guy's actually dead, like, ugh. It's like you can't have Batman without the Joker. I think that's great. He was a Joker. Someone was Batman. I don't know who was Batman. the Joker. I think that's great. He was the Joker. Someone was Batman.

I don't know who was Batman. You choose. Caesar's in Egypt. He's trying to get his life back together. He realizes I have to go home. It's time to face like the Roman senators. Many didn't care about his victories. They still wanted him out for just recklessly going to war,

wasting money, not caring about the people. The poop, what about the poop? Kato, the guy who attempted to humiliate Caesar, he was trying to prove himself as well in battle. So Kato was actually leading a battle over in Africa, but it wasn't going well, okay? It was not going well at all. So Caesar hears about this and he's like, oh okay, like

that's cute. Let me, let me help. So Caesar, he brings his army in and easily wins the battle. Right after he hears about Caesar's win, Cato freaking loses his mind. Loses it. So he returns to his room with a few of his friends and he just starts ranting and raving and like I just you know like he's over it then without warning Kato pulls out a blade and taps himself in the stomach sorry Joan I was reenacting I I was trying to act. Did I do a good job? Yep, stabs himself. I think he's over it. Doctors rush in and they are able to save Kato. They stitch up his stomach, they clean it, whatever they do. But then Kato wakes up. Shit! I'm still alive? He's pissed. So he starts violently ripping out the stitches and pulling out his organs. He's lost his

mind I think you could say. People are all around begging him to stop like why are you doing this? Kato no! Why are you doing this? Kato said that he hated Caesar so much that he wanted to die so he wouldn't have to deal with the humiliation of facing him again. Baby, slit your throat. Am I right? There's just other ways. I feel like this was a little dramatic, okay?

I mean, whatever, not my life, good for him. He cuts himself, he's ripping out his organs. Guess what? He dies. Yeah. I mean, once you rip your organs out, I think that seals the deal. Cato's suicide was not only extremely disturbing, but it sent shockwaves throughout society. He was a very important member of the Senate, and he represented the quote-unquote old Rome. To the Senate, Cato's death represented the dark power Caesar had over the government. He was literally unstoppable. He drove this man to rip his guts out, right? But their hands were tied because people loved

Caesar, okay? The public loved Caesar. What do we do? What do we do? In the year 46 BC, Caesar threw a bunch of parties and processions in his own honor. He showered the Roman people with gifts, just reconfirming their love for him. He's like, here, have a tootsie roll. Here, have a pez dispenser, no candy inside.

Here, I got you this leaf, I found it. Gifts. At this point, he had been in power for over a decade, way longer than any ruler before him. The Roman people started referring to him as Divine Caesar. He wasn't a man anymore, he was now their god. Yeah, I know, Divine Caesar does sound like a good salad dressing. One that you gotta shake really good because everything settles at the bottom. But you know what I'm saying?

A couple years later, Caesar demanded the Senate name him Dictator for life. I know that sounds like a joke, but it's not. It's not. He knew he could make this demand because he had so many people and the love of the public to support him. Now this title gave him power all over the government. At this point, Caesar is 55, which for starters is old for this time

because no one lived past what, 10? You know, you were lucky to get to 25. So if I had to be 55 it's pretty wow. But um as a leader, as a quote-unquote dictator, this was considered a little maybe too old. But he showed no signs of stopping. He was getting ready for even more military campaigns to expand the Roman Empire. Behind the scenes the government was in full panic mode. Caesar was making decisions without even consulting the people. Rumor has it, if anyone accused him

of having too much power, Caesar would immediately arrest them and then throw them in jail. The senators knew that they had to take matters into their own hands. They were tired of hoping things would get better. Caesar was a bully, and they knew if they spoke up, they'd just end up in jail or get poop on them.

I'm stuck on this poop thing, okay? That was a little much. Or maybe murder, that's kind of about two. So a group of 60 people started coming up with an idea. First, oh my God, it's like, so you guys have seen Mean Girls and you know when they come up with that little list on the chalkboard of how they're gonna take down Regina George, AKA Caesar.

Get rid of Senator Friends. Number two, expose the hairline. And number three, break up his army of skanks, aka his bodyguards. This would be the formula to take Caesar down. First, they need to get Caesar alone, which was not an easy thing to do. On the streets, he traveled with an entourage of soldiers. They were essentially bodyguards, his army of skinks. So the senators, the ones who wanna take him down, they're going out of their way to make Caesar feel like, you know, we're the good guys, we're on your side,

we love you Caesar, you're the man. Great, they agree with everything he's saying, they keep it light, they're like, we freaking love pizza, that's such a good idea, man. Around February 44 BC, Caesar is approached by a soothsayer that he had on his staff. This soothsayer was known for predicting the future. Ah, not just interpreting his dreams.

So let's say the soothsayer comes up to you, has information, you're gonna listen. Okay? This man's a wizard. He knows his shit. So the soothsayer, he sits Caesar down and gives him a warning. He says, beware the Ides of March. Do what you will with that. I take cash, PayPal, Zell. So, Ides essentially means the middle of March. Beware the middle of March. Vague, but okay. The soothsayer was basically implying

that the government was about to turn on him soon. Middle of March, maybe, I don't know. But here's the thing, Caesar, narcissist, okay? He had gotten so many wins and everyone was being very nice to his face. He could have anyone he wanted. So he doesn't necessarily believe the soothsayer. He's like, okay, man, note it.

Caesar can't even comprehend the idea of someone potentially setting him up. For the next month or so, Caesar goes about his business as per usual. And then in March, March 15th, uh-oh, is that the middle of March? It is, March 15th, 44 BC. Caesar shows up to a scheduled meeting with the Senate.

Right away after Caesar arrived alone, the senators were stoked. Because up until like this point, it had been impossible to get Caesar by himself. So he shows up by himself and they're like, oh, fuck yeah. So they immediately circle him, ring around the rosy kind of situation.

And they start peppering him with all these distracting questions, talking over one another, confusing him. It's like, what is going on? Some of them even started kissing his hand. At first, Caesar doesn't think it's really that weird. He's like, yeah, I'm amazing. I know. Ha ha ha. Like, yeah, I know. You know, probably thinking to himself like, they're so obsessed with me. This is crazy. But I understand because I'm amazing. But then,

but I understand because I'm amazing. But then one of the senators does something odd. He pulls Caesar's toga off his shoulder. Ah! I would but this is too small so I could barely get it on. I like ripped it. Oh man I squeeze into this but I would do it. Ah! So pulls the toga off his shoulder and it was, okay, you know, I'm trying to grab my titty or something. But little did Caesar know this was a signal the senators had agreed on. So once someone pulled off like the toga thing, that was like the green light, okay? Then one of the senators, a man named Casca, pulls out a dagger from his shirt and stabs Caesar right in the back. Caesar is shocked.

He literally can't wrap his mind around what's happening right now. Before he can escape, get away, he's stabbed again. And then again. And then before you know it, the senators are taking turns stabbing him all over his body. Caesar fights back, but it was 20 against one. He really didn't stand a chance, okay? Even though he had been stabbed over 20 times,

Caesar fought until the end. So then, a politician named Brutus takes a dagger and hears the words, finish him, and raises his arm and takes the final stab. Ba ba ba da, wah. And this, I don't know if you, this is where we get that famous line, et tu, Boutte?

Betrayal. This translates to, you too Brutus. Now when you think about this, it's an iconic moment. Whether it's true or not, he literally didn't say this. It actually came from a Shakespeare play about Caesar, but we all believe it to be true because it makes for a good story. Because Brutus allegedly was like really close to Caesar

and when he said, et tu Brute? It was like this ultimate betrayal, like you, my friend, my buddy, you? It's beautiful. Realistically, that's not what he said when he was being stabbed. He was probably like, fuck you. Or, you know, like, you piece of shit.

And this is where we get the famous last line from Caesar. He looks up and he says, pizza, pizza. And that's where little Caesar's pizza comes from. I'm just kidding. So Caesar eventually covers his head with a toga. He fell to the ground and he bled out at the foot of a statue of his enemy, Pom P. Oh, tragic, is it? I don't know, because he didn't really seem like that great of a guy, but people love him, whatever. So even though senators were thrilled this worked,

they're like, yay, we murdered someone, high five. His murder actually led to a lot of rioting and public outcry, because they loved the guy. They weren't seeing what was happening behind the scenes, you know? So they're rioting, there's public outcry, but as life goes, you know, the people eventually got over it.

They're like, Caesar who? But the legend of Julius Caesar lives on. He was an expert at taking risks at the right time. And even though he didn't always succeed he never let it get in the way of his ambition or confidence. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing because it's like sometimes like chill the fuck out okay you don't need to kill all these people my god is that ambition? Murder is ambition? I don't know but okay. And to this day, people still wonder, did Caesar deserve to die?

Is this where the origin story of the great betrayal backstabbing comes from? You know, did he invent Caesar salad? Turns out no. Mexico, 1924, look it up. Orange Julius, I don't know if that's named after Julius Caesar, but I like to think it is. I'm just throwing that out there.

I love Orange Julius. When was the last time you went to an Orange Julius? Exactly, Marino Valley Mall. They had an Orange Julius. I would go there all the time. Romans, they made great orange juice. Just kidding. What else do people wonder?

The guys, if you have a man in your life who's, not to stereotype, I apologize. If you have a straight man in your life, for some reason they love this guy, right? Caesar, the Roman Empire, what is the deal? What's the deal? Well, to be fair, Bailey, and Joan, and Paul, are you listening?

We only talked about Julius Caesar as a person. We didn't talk about like all the things, the laws, the government, we didn't get into any of that. So we'll have to do a little part on that and then we can decide if Caesar deserved to die. Fair? Okay, I've learned that throughout history, no matter where we are,

there's always a man who thinks he's doing super great things for the greater good, who actually ends up doing psycho, shady, murderous, rampage kind of shit. And they're like, but I did it for the country! What am I getting at? Same shit, different era. My ending thoughts? Pizza pizza, yeah. Our next episode is quite interesting to say the least.

You know, I feel like celebrity news these days is kind of boring. Nothing new is going on, everything, everyone looks the same. Right? No offense. But there's one thing that's always caught my attention and didn't know much about and recently has caught my attention more and more. The Wendy Williams story. You saw what's going on right now? Anyway, so I saw that and I was like damn what's going on with Wendy? I hope she's okay. And it was giving me flashbacks to Britney Spears. You remember the Free

Britney movement, okay? I feel like that is when a lot of us learned about the term conservatorship. Now conservatorships are not a new thing at all. So of course I had a look into it and let me tell you, it's a lot more intense than I realized. Well, tune in next episode where we are going to be talking about the dark history of conservatorships. I'd love to hear you guys' reactions to today's story. Make sure to leave a comment down below so I can see what you guys are saying,

and your comment might even be featured in a future episode. So now let's read a couple comments you guys have left me. Shelly Gilbertson, 9828, left a comment on one of our designer baby episode clips saying, quote, it's never been survival of the fittest. It's always been survival of the most resourceful. If it was survival of the fittest, things like butterflies, jellyfish, snails,

sloths, all kinds of plants and animals would not have survived. Shelly, I get where you're getting at, but like, I'm just gonna let you know, I don't know if you know this, I did not invent the phrase survival of the fittest. That would be Charles Darwin. I'd tell you to call him or like give you his information, but he's dead.

Yeah. But I will say one thing. Did you know, fun fact, sloths can swim really fast? Look it up, I bet you didn't know that. Sloths are fast swimmers. Oh, baby girl, listen, I went down, Shelly, I don't care what you're talking about because let me tell you about what I learned about sloths.

I went down to Sloth Rabbit Hole where I learned so much about sloths. They can swim so fast. They are lying to us because they don't want us to know how fast they are. You're welcome and I hope you have a good day. Oh, and there's also videos of sloths in trees and they have this, if they get mad,

they can snatch things out of your hand or something really fast. Sloths are wild. Survival of the fittest or survival of the fastest? The sloth. Anyhow, I hope you have a good day. Bye. I love sloths.

Kim Bieber1238 said, "'Bailey, I named my daughter after you.' "'Oh, really?' "'She'll be two months next week "'and your videos have definitely helped me "'through this postpartum.'" Aw, Kim. Kim, really? Aw! Did you know sloths can swim fast? Isn't that nuts? Okay, no. Thank you so much. Congratulations on your newborn.

Let me know when baby Bailey is ready for a little Bailey makeover. We can do some lash, a bronzer, spray tan, little baby Bailey, pageants. We can do, I would love to be a stage mom, okay? Yeah, we could do that for Bailey. Bailey would love that. And also, I'm glad that my videos could kind of help with postpartum. I hear it can be really, really, really rough, okay?

Yeah, so I appreciate you. I'm glad I can help in some kind of way and I hope you're doing okay. Take care of yourself. Michaela JM1 left us an episode suggestion. Ooh, you love a suggestion, don't you Joan? Dark history of why there is a P in pneumonia. This is brilliant, This is brilliant.

This is brilliant. Hey, idea, Michaela, love this. Dark history of, why is it spelled like that? Isle. A-I-S, you know, isle. Pneumonia. P and, what's another one? Subtle.

Don't get me started on subtle. What is up with that B? I didn't even know. I thought that was subtle. I said subtle forever. It's subtle. What, huh, huh, huh? Dark history of words.

Right? I'm so into this, Michaela. You don't even know. I'm about to go down a rabbit hole. Who did this to us and do they hate us? Remember the spelling bee? pneumonia. Yeah, right.

Like, okay. They did that just to be assholes. I can go on and on about words and sloths. Thank you. Anywho, thank you guys so much for hanging out with me today. I love you so much. Keep commenting.

Maybe your comment will be featured in a future episode. Maybe it won't, but that's what you do. Did you know you can join me over on my YouTube where you can watch these episodes on Thursday after the podcast airs and see our cute little outfits that we wear. And while you're there, you can also catch my murder, mystery and makeup because that's glam and that's fun. So don't forget to subscribe because I'm always here for you with new content. And hey, if you don't know, Dark History is an audio boom original.

I wanna give a special thank you to our expert, Dr. Josiah Osgood, author of Uncommon Wrath, How Caesar and Cato's Deadly Rivalry Destroyed the Roman Republic. And I'm your host Bailey Sarian. I hope you have a good day. You make good choices. Look up Sloss and I'll be talking to you guys later. Oh we should get Little Caesar's Pizza. They should sponsor this episode, actually. Okay, bye! ["Sweet Home Alone"]