Date Yourself Instead - Do all men come back?

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

I am constantly flooded with this question: Do all men come back? If you’re in a waiting period right now, this episode validates all of the feelings that come along with that. Sharing from my personal experience in situationships and relationships, I talk about how to assess if this is a connection worth exploring and if it is, how to become a magnet. Either way, know that you deserve a healthy and amazing love and that the universe has got you! Connect with the Date Yourself Instead Movement: Website | Instagram Connect with Lyss: TikTok | Instagram | YouTube

Welcome to day yourself and set. Day yourself and set. What does it mean to day yourself and set? I'm just gonna learn how to love myself and that's it. Do all men come back? I've been meaning to create this episode for a while because everyone has this question, whether it's on my TikTok or whether it's in my Instagram DMs,

I'm constantly flooded in my inbox with these questions of, is my person going to come back because I'm dying without them and I need them back into my life? Listen, I think this question is a very broad question and there's so many different stories and scenarios that go along with this question, so it's not like a one-size-fits-all answer.

I think for the most part they do, but in varying degrees and the circumstances are always different, it's a case-by-case thing. For the most part, I've had a pretty solid success rate at having guys come back into my life. But the thing is this, none of those guys were actually meant to stay in my life. The universe was trying to kick them out for a reason. The universe was literally trying to protect me and say, this person is not right for you and you should let them go. And if you don't let them go, I'm going to kick them out of your life for you. None of these

guys were meant to stay. So when they did come back, whether it was through a text message or they called me or DM or a Snapchat, unfortunately, I was like either already so far moved on and passed it already or I would try entertaining it again because I really liked them. And it would just end up in the same exact place as the last time. It was a dead end. And it was pointless because they didn't deserve me. And at the time, I didn't see my value and my worth. So I would go back hoping that the next time would be different. And in reality, it just ended up in the same exact place, which was absolutely nowhere, and the relationship was going nowhere.

And this person wasn't willing to change and step up to the plate and value me the way that I deserve to be valued and treated in a relationship. So if someone's not willing to commit to you and they've either ghosted you or they broke up with you and they're not a part of your life currently and they were not treating you or valuing you the right way. I totally understand how you can be heartbroken and sad and devastated because you love them and care about them deeply. But at the same time, if you really understand your power and your worth and how amazing you are, it should not be relevant if they're going to come back or not.

The universe is doing you a fucking favor by kicking them out of your life. And that's facts. You don't want to be with someone who'll keep on leaving you time and time again. This person has to earn your trust back, especially if they do decide to come back into your life. They have to earn your trust and make sure that they're going to treat you and value you the way that you deserve to be treated because otherwise the same situation is going to keep happening and repeating itself and you're going to end up in the same

place and you're never going to be happy and you're never going to be in a loving and healthy relationship with this person. I used to give people second, third, and even fourth chances because, one, I would always see the good in everyone. I'm the type of person who literally tries to see the good in people first because I know that I have good intentions,

I have a good heart, and I'm willing to open my heart up to someone new and trust them. That's just my nature. And I think women are very trusting in general and we're more emotional and nurturing and we want to trust people because we're loving. But often times I would give someone the benefit of the doubt and then they would immediately do something to fuck that up. And I'd be like, well, I have this image of you of being a really sweet, nice guy,

and you're saying all the right things, but your actions are speaking otherwise, and now I'm starting to question your character. I would give people multiple chances, hoping that it was like a mistake, or that they didn't mean something a certain way. I'd justify their actions by saying, oh, he didn't mean it like that.

Oh, he didn't mean to make me feel that way. He doesn't know what he's doing. Oh, like, he was busy at work and he couldn't text me for three days. And that's why we haven't been in contact. I would just make genuine excuses for the people that I barely even knew because I really liked them and I wanted to get to know them better. But yet, from a very early standpoint in the relationship, they would show me exactly who they were.

I think we just ignore these things because we choose to see the good in people and we want to trust people because we know that we're good intentioned, but not everyone has the same intentions as you. I think that's one of the lessons I've learned the hard way in my relationships. Not everyone has the same intentions as you, Even if on the surface they're being nice and they take you to dinner and they treat you right on the surface, it takes a lot to really get to know someone on a deeper, more personal level where you can build trust and grow together. You're not going to get that feeling within the first three dates of knowing someone.

Sometimes in very rare situations, if you have a deep connection with someone, yes, maybe right away you fall in love and it's this amazing, healthy relationship. Those things do happen and I've actually experienced a relationship like that before, so I definitely think that can happen, and that is a possibility, but at the same time, there's been a lot of dates that I've been on where I've trusted someone too soon, and then they've showed me tons of red flags that I just chose to ignore

because I tried to give them a benefit of the doubt. Once again, everything I'm saying, you can take what you want from it. I've just learned to speak from personal experience for this podcast because that's all I know, but I also I feel very strongly about these things because I've had my fair share of situations and relationships and I'm speaking from a lot of different types of experiences. And the majority of the time, it took a while to really get to know someone and see their true colors. Even though the warning signs were there

right from the beginning, and I just chose to ignore them. If someone's making you feel uncomfortable or anxious right away, and logic isn't explaining it, and they didn't actually even do anything necessarily terrible, but your intuition is just saying, I'm uncomfortable or I'm anxious. Logic isn't explaining it and they didn't actually even do anything necessarily terrible, but your intuition is just saying I'm uncomfortable or I'm anxious. Those are also considered red flags. A lot of the times are intuition and our gut is telling us something, but our logic is saying another, like, oh, they didn't really do anything like why are you uncomfortable? And you can go back and forth in your head and between your intuition and your logic basically being like, why are you uncomfortable? And you can go back and forth in your head

and between your intuition and your logic, basically being like, well, they seem like a good person. So why do I feel so uncomfortable? Trust that uncomfortable feeling. More often times than not, a woman's intuition is always right. I know for a fact that I've ignored my intuition on numerous occasions with people, and then

it always ended up being right in the long term, even though logic couldn't explain it in the short term. And listen, all I'm saying is that when you're going into a new situation, just define clear boundaries for yourself that are healthy boundaries that make you feel good. Does this mean you have to be so closed off to love and relationships and meeting new people in general and trusting people? No, you can trust people and have an open heart

going into new experiences, but you could also still maintain clear defined boundaries while you're building these relationships. You don't need to have like a huge wall up protecting you from everything, but you do just need to have boundaries. So when you do go into new situations, you know exactly what you're looking for and what makes you feel good. Otherwise, you're going to tolerate people's shitty actions and shitty behavior much more frequently. If you are waiting on someone to contact you right now or you're waiting

on someone to show up for you and commit to you or come back into your life because they ended things, you should not be waiting on them, especially if they hurt you and they did show you their true colors already. People really do show you their true colors and we still go back hoping that they're going to change. You will know right away if someone is right for you based on the feeling you get around them. If you feel warm and excited and happy, and your heart is open, and you trust them, and you feel comfortable around them.

In their presence, those are all great signs. Those are all green flags. But if you're anxious, if you're waiting on their calls and text are all great signs, those are all green flags. But if you're anxious, if you're waiting on their calls and text messages all day long, if you're confused about where they stand in the relationship, if they're giving you indirect, unclear answers all of the time, those are your answers, those are red flags, but we tend to turn our head and be like, no, like, everything will work itself out, like maybe they out. Like, maybe they're just busy, maybe they're just confused.

And we tend to give free passes to people that actually don't have the same intentions as us. Obviously, everyone has a work schedule and everyone has their own life. And there are times where people are busy, for sure. Like, there are situations where I know where I couldn't answer a text message for a couple of hours because I was occupied and doing something.

But think about it from this perspective. If you're obsessed with someone and you really, really, really, really like someone, you're gonna wanna be in contact with them. You're going to wanna communicate with them. So, if a week goes by and this person basically is throwing excuses at you, like, I'm busy, I'm at work, but would love to catch up soon.

Like, no, you deserve so much more than that. You deserve so much more than a text every couple of days that keeps you there, but they're not actually doing anything to make it official or make it like a committal relationship. They're just trying to keep you there. And I get a lot of messages on social media about this. Girls asking me like, does he like me? He, you know, asks to make plans once a week and we have amazing dates, but he said he still wants to keep things casual and he's not looking for a serious relationship right now. And I'm like, that's your answer right there.

It's very black and white. He's not going to change his mind about that unless he genuinely has like an entire perspective shift and he realizes like he wants to be with you. Yes, that can happen in rare circumstances, but usually it's pretty clear from the beginning what someone is looking for. If they're telling you that, you have to take it at face value,

even though it sucks to hear, and sometimes you don't wanna hear that, usually taking what people say at face value is your best bet, because otherwise you're gonna set yourself up in a situation where you're being overly optimistic and hopeful about being with someone who's literally telling you they don't want anything serious. And when you think about it, they're being honest with you by saying exactly what they're

looking for and it's up to you now to decide whether you want to participate in it. For example, if a guy right now in this time in my life were to say, I'm not looking for anything serious, I'm looking for a casual hook up that could turn into something more, but I have no expectations. I would just back out right then and there. I would say, listen, respectfully. Thank you for being honest about that. I'm good.

I just don't have that capacity to hold space for someone who doesn't want something serious with me and something emotionally deep. Like, I don't want just a purely sexual relationship. And if I lose them by saying that and they don't want to continue it because that's not what they're looking for and that's we're just not on the same page with what we're looking for, that's a blessing because why would you want to be with someone that's not on the same pages you? You don't want to be with someone who has a totally different plan for the relationship and then wind up getting so hurt and disappointed afterwards because you thought that they were going to change.

Take what they're saying at face value. So to tie this back into the topic of conversation, do all men come back? I really do think many of them do. Not all of them, but many of them. But regardless of this question, it's really not relevant because one, were they even good to you? Two, did they even treat you right? Did you even get the love you know you deserve? Three, did they give you anxiety 24-7? There are like multiple factors you're probably not focusing on because you're just focused on if they're coming back in your life.

But if they weren't valuing you in the relationship, why do you really want them back? If you really think about this question and you could only think of the good things in the relationship, there had to be something off in the relationship that made them choose to end it and it's not your fault. It's not saying like, oh, like you were the problem and that's why they ended it. It's literally just saying like, look at the dynamic of the relationship. Was it healthy? Was it really healthy or was it super toxic?

Because if it was it really healthy or was it super toxic? Because if it was a really healthy dynamic, I think there would be a mutual understanding and agreement when it came to the breakup. When I was in a super healthy relationship with someone that really did love me and I really did love them. When it came time to separating, although I didn't want to and he didn't want to, the breakup was pretty calm. It was a very calm situation because we knew that it had to happen, but we both mutually cared

about each other and had respect for each other, and it ended in a very respectful way. Now, that being said, I still did want them to come back at a point in my life and they ended up coming back. But I wasn't sitting around all day wanting them to come back. I wasn't sitting around all day focusing on when are they going to come back. I need them in my life.

I wasn't harping on those details because I knew the most important thing was taking care of myself. And when you focus on taking care of yourself, amazing things start to happen around you, even though the first few weeks can be really hard and painful if you lost someone you truly care about, but just taking time to really center yourself and focus on yourself more than focusing on

when they're gonna come back, often attracts them back into your life because you're harnessing your power and your energy and you're calling your energy back into you and you become a magnet. You become an energetic magnet to attract them back into your space. If that's what you really want

and you really want them to come back into your life and you want to get back together with this person. The best thing you could possibly do is harnessing your power and focusing on yourself, focusing all your energy on making yourself a better person and a stronger person instead of worrying about when they're going to text you or call you again. I'm going to share two very different stories back to back. One story is about a guy who I didn't really care about, but he ended up coming back into my life in the most subtle way, and it never worked out, obviously, for very good reasons.

But I was dating a guy. He was, I think he was in his mid-30s. I'm not even kidding. And he used Snapchat still, which is a major red flag to me also. Why are you using Snapchat as your primary form of communication when you're 33 years old? It was just bizarre. And he would always snap me and barely text me. I should have cut it off right then because everything in my body and soul was saying run, but I wasn't really dating anyone else at the time and I think it was just a really weird period of time in my life where I

just felt like it was nice to maybe talk to someone. I don't really know what I was thinking. So please do not judge me, but he basically ghosted me after four months and he really ghosted me where he actually never spoke to me again. There was zero contact and I was a bit confused because prior to that, he was asking me why I never put in any effort into the relationship. So I started putting in more effort and the more effort I would actually put in, the further he would pull back. And eventually he just disappeared altogether. I was very confused.

I wasn't extremely hurt because I didn't really like him that much, but I was just surprised he went full-blown no contact one day. He could have died and I just wouldn't have had any idea. And it was just bizarre. But he used to text me a lot, and then it went from a lot to silence. And then a few months after that, after I had completely erased this person from my brain,

he re-adds me on Snapchat and starts sending me pictures again. And I was just like, all right, well, this is technically him coming back, but he's coming back in the most childish immature way possible. And at that point in my life, I just wasn't willing to even remotely entertain someone in this silly. So I just deleted him off of everything. I also deleted Snapchat because I never even used it in the first place.

And I just never spoke to him again. So technically did he come back eventually? Yes, he came back. But was it worth my time and did it really matter and was it relevant? No, because why would I have ever wanted to entertain someone like that anyway? We weren't on the same page. We were in two totally different places in our lives and on two totally different maturity levels. So it was a blessing in disguise that it ended the way that it did. And after a few months of working on myself, I realized how crazy I was for entertaining someone like that because I had leveled up so much and started to really understand my value.

And I'm like, why would I have even spoken to someone like that who didn't really like me, really didn't give a shit about me, and texted me through Snapchat all day. That's just not an acceptable form of communication at 33 years old. So to conclude the story, it was a huge blessing that we stopped talking and he did come back and did it feel like a little bit validating and like exciting for three seconds maybe that I saw that notification. I think I cared for like a good five seconds and then I literally just deleted him off of everything

and I was like, all right, whatever. I won, no I'm kidding, I'm totally kidding. It should never feel like a game. I'm just saying like it felt good to know that I kind of just had moved on and I had let go of the situation entirely and he was still doing what he was doing six months ago. Probably two hundred other girls as well. The next story is about someone who I was in a very serious relationship with. And we cared for each other very deeply, and we were so in love. And I really wanted him back into my life. And we had mutually agreed to end things. But I really believe that in my heart, it wasn't over yet. And for

the first two months, I was really depressed, and we hadn't set a word to each other. There was absolutely zero contact. But then I started watching some videos on bringing your power back into yourself and really focusing on who you are instead of focusing on what this other person is doing with their lives. So I started really focusing on myself a lot more, going to the gym a lot more, eating healthier, doing my meditation routine, just trying to feel good, basically, and feel like myself before I had met this person. And within a week, I swear to you, this person had reached out to me again, and we ended

up getting back together for a while. And it was crazy because the second I started feeling really good and powerful, that's when that all went down and that's when that happened again. So I truly believe a lot of it is energetic. And if you're looking to get someone to come back into your life, you have to really focus on yourself. That's like my biggest takeaway from going through these type of experiences. At the end of the day, though, you should not be begging for someone's attention or love or time. You are so much better than that.

And if this person doesn't value you the way that you should be valued and they're not coming back into your life, there's reasons for that. Because the universe is going to deliver someone so much greater and better for you at a different time. But you just have to be willing to let go of this other person and move on and understand that there is someone better waiting for you and you deserve so much better.

You should never have to wait on someone or beg for their love or beg for their attention. And once you start really placing yourself on that pedestal and really seeing your value, you will not be waiting on them to come back into your life, especially if they chose not to be there. I look at it from this perspective. If someone is choosing to walk away and someone is choosing to not be a part of your life, there has to be a better situation and opportunity waiting for you on the other side of that because you're amazing and you're a good person and if you're a good-hearted person, you're going to deserve an amazing, healthy relationship

and an amazing, healthy love. It just might not be happening right this second. But once you're ready for it, the universe will deliver it to you. I truly believe that. Any time I've let go of things that were toxic for me or no longer serving my highest good, it was eventually replaced with something better. Even though the wait time was the worst part, because during the waiting period, I felt like I was losing my mind at times because I was like, what if I never find anyone else?

What if this is my soulmate and I missed out on an opportunity and what if I never find true love again? All of these questions are totally valid and normal and everyone experiences these moments of self-doubt and fear. But when you're operating from a place of fear, it's never going to serve your highest good. And it's always going to bring down your energy. So when you're ready to let go of that fear and level up and accept what's happening,

that's when miracles start to happen. That's when amazing things really start to happen. I've had so many situations where miraculous things have happened with like the right timing, the right situation, the right people. Like I've had situations where I look back, I'm like, how did that even fucking happen? There was someone, I'm not gonna disclose many details on this story, but there was someone that I really liked, but he didn't really know I existed,

and this was a while ago, but I just wanted to meet him and I just wanted to get to know him a little better. And I was like, I don't know when that would even happen. I don't even know how that's possible, but we'll see. And I kind of let it go and forgot about it for a while. And then I was having one of the worst days I've ever had. I was so emotional.

I was in my New York City apartment, hysterically crying all day. I just had a really bad day. And I was not wanting to do much of anything. But my friend kept pushing me to go out and I never go out. So this was like a very rare situation for me to even dress up after I had such a crappy day and like get really dressed up and go somewhere. But I did it because something in the back of my head was just telling me to push myself and go. And I ended up going to this party and I met this person. And it was just really interesting because there was something in me that told me to go even though I usually would have never gone out or done anything like that. So it was just cool to see that kind of unfold and the timing of everything and the way that that happened.

And it almost felt like the universe was showing me like, if you just change your perspective a little bit and like raise your vibration and trust the process and trust the universe and trust me, we'll lead you to things that you want. We'll lead you to the right things and we'll lead you on the right path. It was a really cool experience and moment when that happened because in that moment, I actually believed in trusting the universe again. I think I had lost that sense of trust when I had went through my break up because I was so depressed,

and I was like, why would this happen to me? Why do I have to feel this way all day? And I had this victim mindset that nothing was going to get better, and everyone and everything was against me and I would be depressed forever. And obviously those are not healthy thoughts, those are not healthy ways of thinking. And when I decided to actually change up my routine and dress up and start to think positively and go out for the first time in months, something that I had

kind of wanted happened that night, and I had met this person. And looking back, nothing really crazy came of that situation. It wasn't like, oh, you know, me and this person hung out and fell in love. It wasn't like that, but it was just interesting. And it kind of sparked that like feeling of hope and excitement in me again, and just knowing that everything is energetic and everything holds energy and power. And if you use your power in the right way, and you decide to level yourself up and trust the process of your life, miracles do happen all around you. So yeah, I really hope you guys love today's episode. I hope that was helpful to answer that question. I know if you're in a situation right now

where you're struggling and you really want this person to come back into your life, I know how that feels and I empathize with you and I totally get how frustrating it can feel. But please just trust the journey. Trust your path. Trust that everything is exactly how it's supposed to be in this moment and just breathe deep and like understand that like once you know that everything is happening for you and it's not happening against you and it's not trying to steer you in the wrong direction and once you trust the universe and what it's trying to do for you, life really does feel a lot lighter and easier.

And just remember that you deserve the best relationship. You deserve someone who loves you, who shows up for you and who wants to be with you. So whether it's this person that you're waiting on or someone else, you deserve a healthy, amazing, and beautiful love. And eventually that time will come for you. And I can guarantee you that. I hope everyone has an amazing day.

Thank you so, so much for listening. Feel free also to leave me any feedback or review on the podcast. They are always so appreciated. You could always send me a DM on Instagram as well. At date yourself instead and my personal account is at list. Thanks again. I love you guys and stay tuned for the next one. you