Date Yourself Instead - Falling in love with a narcissist

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

If you’re dating a person based on a conceptualized version of them vs. the person they are consistently showing you that they are, I’ve been there. Today I am sharing my challenging experience with a narcissist and what I learned from it. Once you understand narcissistic personalities then start to turn inward to examine your worth, your transformation can begin! Connect with the Date Yourself Instead Movement: Website | Instagram Connect with Lyss: TikTok | Instagram | YouTube

Welcome to day yourself and set. Day yourself and set. What does it mean to day yourself and set? I'm just gonna learn how to love myself and that's it. I think the reason I fell in love with a narcissist was because I saw it was a challenge. I thought if I won this person over, it would be the biggest achievement and validation to who I am because in my head I was special, I was unique, I was different and I brought something different than other women to the table. I thought I was

better than all the other women he had dated, which is also a very interesting way to look at things because who am I to say that I'm better than anyone else? At the time, I just had this idea in my head that because I was so unique and different, I would be the woman to change him. I think a lot of women go through this, and it's nothing against any woman that this person had dated before. Like, I'm sure they're all amazing, and it's not supposed to be a competition. But in my mind at the time when I was dating this person, I was convinced that I would be the one to change him, which is interesting. I just think that looking back, it was not worth my time or my energy, but I was coming

from a really insecure and unhealed place. The reality is, as I was dating this person and trying to win them over, I was really just doing myself a disservice because I wasn't healed and I didn't understand that I didn't need to be validated at all by this human being. Like, I could have validated myself in so many other amazing ways that were healthy and productive such as working on my brand, focusing on my career, doing other passion projects that made me happy. There are so many ways that you could validate your existence and feel like a confident and empowered woman.

But for me, getting that high and getting that feeling of satisfaction often came from dating narcissistic people. Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. If you've been enjoying the podcast so far, please I would love a review. They keep me going and I just love hearing your feedback. Honestly, if you want to send me a message on Instagram and let me know what I can improve or if you've been enjoying it and just want to send me a note, I'm going to try to respond to everyone. I love talking to you guys and this podcast has been so much fun for me.

So I was hesitant to actually even make this episode in the first place because it's one super vulnerable and open and I'm going to be as transparent as I possibly can, but it hits a soft spot because this is something that I've personally struggled with a lot in my dating life and in my past dating experiences. I tended to fall for narcissistic people. And this wasn't to say every single guy I've dated was a narcissist, but a lot of their traits and characteristics

kind of fell under a similar vibe and energy and category. And I would see very similar patterns repeat themselves and a lot of my relationships, and it all revolved around very narcissistic behaviors. And I wanted to explore this topic today because I know a lot of women have experienced similar things. And when you're in a relationship with a narcissist or you're dating a narcissist, it's often easy to get super blinded

and you're almost unaware of what's even happening. And a lot of the experience doesn't feel like you're dating a narcissist when you're dating a narcissist because your blinders are on and maybe you're super in love with this person, maybe you're getting to know them and they've convinced you that they were like this amazing partner and then over time things started to unfold and unravel and you got attached to the idea of them versus who they actually were. That was such a common problem for me entering relationships where I would attach myself

to the idea of a person versus who they were actually showing me, and I would conceptualize a person into someone that they actually weren't, and then get attached and fixated on this ideal partner that wasn't really there and didn't really exist. And I just wanted to discuss this and really open up the conversation, because to discuss this and really open up the conversation because when you're in a situation like this with a narcissistic person, it could be so difficult to remove yourself from it because your feelings are there and you want to make it work with someone who doesn't really exist. It sounds kind of interesting and silly when you pull back and say it like that, but I often

really made up versions of people in my head in order to keep them in my life and that is why I think a lot of my relationships had eventually come to an end because I was dating this conceptualized made-up version of them versus who they actually were showing me in real life and in reality. For a long period of time, I was kind of chasing the high and excitement of meeting someone new and super good looking and attractive and that I had fun times within the beginning

of the relationship. And I would hold on to those moments and those memories and those qualities of the person instead of looking at the bigger picture and who they actually were. It's often easy for people who are narcissists to manipulate you into a relationship by showing you this dreamy, perfect ideal version of themselves that isn't real, but they're good at making you feel special, making you feel wanted and appreciated, and lighting you up, and knowing what to say, and how to act, in order to kind of lure you into a romantic relationship with them. And it doesn't mean that they're fully even committed to you, but they want to make you feel that way. And I've been in situations like this before, there's someone in particular that I dated

for a significant period of time. We weren't in a serious, serious relationship, but we were dating consistently. We were going on dates for months at a time. And I just remember him saying certain things to kind of like, learn me into his life and connect with him, even though I don't think he really meant a lot of the things he was saying. It just almost seemed as if he was saying these things to build a connection with me, not in a genuine way, but in a manipulative way. not in a genuine way, but in a manipulative way. So, for example, when I first met him, he told me a lot about something happening in his family

that caused him a lot of trauma and a lot of traumatic things that happened to him as a child. He kind of like unloaded on me all of these deep emotional, traumatic situations that have happened to him, and at the time, because I'm a very empathetic and warm and caring person as a lot of women are, it made me let my guard down immediately. I felt like I could connect with this person because he was sharing so many personal details of his childhood and his life with me on the first date. And this was not a common thing I had experienced. So when he was doing this, I thought he was like this deep emotional soulful person. And over time, as months had passed

and we continue to get to know each other, I realized that he was actually the opposite of what he was portraying and saying. he was just using words to manipulate me into really connecting with him. And it was interesting because I really am such an open-minded person and I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to, I guess, understand where they're coming from and I empathize a lot with people who experience trauma in their childhood. But this man almost knew what to say in order to make you feel bad.

And it was pretty wild. I was almost impressed by how crazy, like it was for me to connect to him so quickly. And I realized later on it was because he had very specific tactics he used to emotionally manipulate people into connecting with him. So, the definition of a narcissist, I know there's a lot of different definitions for this, but I'm going to get into some of the definitions that I found when I was googling an narcissistic person. So people with a disorder can have a really exaggerated sense of self-importance. They can have a sense of entitlement and they require constant praise and admiration,

or they expect to be recognized as superior, even for no reason, just like basically giving this aura that I'm the best and I'm better than you mentality. Narcissists also may show you love, and they have the ability to act in really loving ways, as I just mentioned before when this guy was telling me all these traumatic things and trying to bond and connect with me on an emotional level, but this is often conditional. So the displays of love often depend on what you can offer them in return. So a lot of narcissistic people will show you love based on things that you do for them or things that you could provide for them. It's very transactional, so it's like, if you do this for me, I'll show you more love

and I'll be with you if you continue to do these things. It's just fascinating also reading this myself because when I was googling about narcissists, I learned more about what narcissistic people really are like. And it reminded me of more than one person that I've been with, and I didn't even realize that these are narcissistic personality traits. So I was like diving really deep into this, and I was like, oh, maybe a lot of the men that I've dated actually were narcissistic people and I didn't even realize it at the time because they also had a lot of amazing qualities.

So it doesn't mean just because you have narcissistic characteristics doesn't mean you're a bad person. I really don't think like narcissism is correlated with being a bad human being. I think we have this connotation of like a narcissist always having really bad intentions and being a bad person, but that's not the case at all. I really do believe that sometimes narcissistic people don't even realize what they're doing. So, yeah, I just was very fascinated by diving more into this last night when I was googling it. So yeah, I just was very fascinated by diving more into this last night when I was googling it, but I'm going to tell you a more in-depth story of an experience I had with a narcissist and what it taught me.

I kept this relationship going on for about six months, and I met this guy on a dating app, and he was really beautiful. Like he was a very attractive human being. And I was almost more physically attracted to him than anything, but also I was really surprised with how open he was as I mentioned earlier about his trauma and his past on the first date. And it drew me to him because it opened the conversation to be super emotional and vulnerable right away. It wasn't like emotional where we were tearing up,

crying at the bar. It was just nice because we were really connecting. And I felt a strong sense of empathy towards him because he was older than me, and it seemed like he had been through a lot, and he looked really sad when he was telling me these stories, so I immediately felt like closer to him. I was also newly single and fresh out of a relationship.

So I think my blinders were really on here. I, this was the first guy that I had met post-breakup that I had a physical attraction to. So, I was just kind of going into it, not really expecting that much, but coming out of that date, feeling like I could see myself going on more dates with this person, and I really liked his energy.

And I still decided to take my time with it. We didn't meet up for a few more weeks after the initial date. I was trying to see how I felt about the whole situation because, as I said, I had just gotten out of a serious relationship. But this guy was good. He was good at making me feel like he was super interested, and he wanted to see me again. And then within a couple of weeks of chatting with him, I remember he kind of stood me up like pretty early on. I don't remember the exact timing,

but I remember that we had planned a date, and he stood me up within the first three weeks of talking to him. And I texted him a few times and he didn't respond. And then he texted me at like three or four in the morning, just apologizing and saying that he lost his phone. Now, I knew he was lying, obviously. I knew it was a made-up story. And even if he hadn't been lying for the 1% chance that he did happen to lose his phone that night, it still was just a red flag in my book, and my gut told me immediately to run. But after that incident, he proceeded to contact me many, many times after trying to redeem himself and get me to go on more dates with him. And I was traveling, I had a lot of work things going on, so I wasn't really focused on him. I was more focused on getting my work done because once he

stood me up, I cut that cord in my head, I was done. I was not interested in reconnecting with him at all whatsoever. And then what happened was he just kept pushing. I knew that he really wanted to hang out with me again. But what I didn't understand that I was a game to him. I was a challenge for him because he realized he fucked up early on and he was trying to win me over with his words again in a different way. So now it wasn't about his family trauma. It was now it was gonna be about, I'm so sorry, I wanna make this up to you.

I wanna cook you dinner and I want you to come over and spend time with me and making it like he wanted to really pursue something, like pursue something totally different. So I thought maybe something had shifted and he realized, oh, maybe I really like this girl. So I will be a better person. Three weeks went by and then I decided to meet up with him again.

And from that point forward, there were a lot of little things that really had set alarm bells off in my head, but I continuously ignored them because one, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. That was number one. I at that moment, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. And two, I still enjoyed the time we were spending together. But at the end of the day, looking back, I never deserved being lied to or having someone be dishonest and unclear with me and not have any sort of remorse for it. And I think dating someone of this nature mentally fucked me up a little bit because after we stopped talking, I had a lot of more trust issues going into future relationships. I don't

know what it was, but it really, it set something off in my brain that just made me have severe trust issues moving forward with future relationships. And I think it was because I conditioned myself to not follow my intuition and honor my integrity and trust my gut and like see my value. I conditioned myself for so long to turn a blind eye and not value myself in the way that I should have valued myself so that when it came to being in other relationships, I was completely traumatized. It was hard for me to trust anyone ever after that. And I'll try to make this story short.

Basically, at the end of this whole relationship situation, I was in with this narcissistic person. I bumped into him on the street with another girl, and it was towards the end of what we were doing, but I saw him out dating someone else. And it boiled my blood. Like I was so angry because he had told me that night that he was gonna come over that same night.

So he had been texting me saying he was coming over. And then it just got later and later. And then I went outside and I bumped into him with another girl by my apartment. It was honestly very startling and inappropriate. I just felt like I was a booty call to him at that point, and I was really not okay with what was going down. So I, after that, I never met up with him again. And that was really the end of everything.

But it just closed me off. And I think it was also because I took in a lot of his energy. Like when you're around someone a lot and you get to know them, it's easy to kind of take on some of their characteristics if you are not a healed person and you're not secure. So when I was coming from a very insecure place, I started like closing myself off in the way that he was closing himself off. And we were like mirrors of each other.

And I've talked about this in other episodes where you can mirror your partner very easily. And usually who you're dating is sometimes a reflection of really who you are deep down, even though you don't see it, and your triggers are actually there because they're just showing you parts of yourself. And with this guy, he really showed me a part of myself that I was willing to not really genuinely connect anymore with anyone because I had conditioned myself to not be worthy of true human connection and true love.

And I closed myself off emotionally for a very long time after that. I was super, super sad after that whole situation ended. And it wasn't because of him. It wasn't because I necessarily thought I was supposed to be with him. I didn't feel that way at all, actually. I didn't have a desire to be in a serious situation with him, because I knew at the end of the day, it would only hurt me, and it wasn't healthy for me at all whatsoever. But I just saw a piece of myself in this situation getting so closed off and so emotionally traumatized

because I had conditioned myself to believe I wasn't worthy of real love. Like this person wasn't connected to anyone or anything. He had even told me it was like the last time he even connected with someone and was in a serious relationship was eight years prior. He had struggled with human connection and being in a romantic deep relationship for so many years before we had met. And there were reasons for that. And I took those reasons on thinking that magically if we were together and I showed him what connection should be like, he would

be with me. Like, I had this idea in my head that it wouldn't be such a big deal for him to connect with me because I love connecting with people and I love being in a relationship. Like relationships to me make me thrive and I love being loved and I love love in general. So it was like not a big deal to me to stay and quote, change him even though of course looking back, it's ridiculous. You cannot change someone who is like that. It's impossible. You could do everything in your power to change someone

in hopes that they're gonna come around because they care about you. But the truth is the only way someone will ever change is for themselves. And when they're ready to, on their timing and on their terms, it will have nothing to do with you. You might play a small role in the shifting of their change, but that change was waiting in the wings before you. Like, I promise you that. There was a piece of them. If your partner has changed

for you in any way, it was because that change was already supposed to come out of them prior to even meeting and knowing you. That was part of their path and their journey. If you're actually trying to manipulate someone's circumstances and their behaviors to your liking to get into some sort of dreamy, romantic, amazing relationship with them. Trust me, that's not going to happen because this person has to change on their timing for themselves. And if they do, great, if they do, and things end up unfolding and you end up working things out in the future,

amazing. Then that was supposed to happen. But that had nothing to do with you trying to change the circumstances for them. And once you understand that, it's a lot easier to detach and let go because it's not your job to change anyone and it's not your purpose to be manipulating other people into loving you because you deserve unconditional, true, deep, meaningful love without having to try to force someone to be that person for you. There are people out there that will love you with no problem, like with no ties, no blocks. They will just love you exactly for who you are and accept you for exactly for who you

are. So if you're trying to change someone or you're in a situation with a narcissistic person and you're unhappy and you feel like this isn't changing or this isn't making any progress. I highly recommend you turn in words and you start to look at your value and start to understand your worth and that you deserve someone that's going to love you exactly as you are and not on conditions and terms and guidelines. That is what you deserve. And if you're not receiving that or you're in a toxic situation with a narcissist, just take a deep breath and understand that you are so powerful and you are so worthy and you deserve so much better. And this problem mostly isn't going to go away.

Because as I said, people have to want to change for themselves. So that being said, I also want to take partial responsibility. I attracted many of these types of people into my life because I was not healed. And it's not to say I deserved it or I deserved any of these experiences that I went through, but they did teach me a lot and they taught me how to value myself. And if I could take anything from these experiences, it's simply that I learned how to understand my value and my worth. And to me, if it took all of these experiences

to understand that, they were still worth it. And it was still worth going through these things in order to get to where I am today and in order to become the person I am today. All of these experiences ended up being blessings and disguise. You can look at it as, why did I have to go through this? This was like crazy, this was terrible, this person put me through hell. I don't know

what I did to deserve this. You could play that card and actually think those things for the rest of your life, or you could see it as a learning opportunity, and as an opportunity for growth and transformation. I choose to see it as a huge learning lesson in a period of transformation for me, because I just have so much wisdom behind me now as far as relationships go. And I know that the next person that I end up with is going to be someone who's secure and healed

and not a narcissist. I know that because I know what to look out for, I know what I'm looking for, and I know my worth. And I couldn't ask for anything more. Like, I've grown a lot, I've learned a lot, and everything ended up being a huge blessing in the long run, just from acquiring all this knowledge and understanding my value as a person. So I think that concludes today's episode. I really hope you enjoyed it as crazy as that was for me to recap and talk about honestly.

I hope it helped. I hope it resonated a little bit for those of you who have dealt with narcissistic behaviors in your relationships. And yeah, I hope everyone has an amazing day. Thank you so much for listening as usual and stay tuned for the next one.