Date Yourself Instead - Feeling lonely on the holidays

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

Feeling cozy and celebrating the holidays with a significant other is such a great feeling but when I realized that I will likely be alone for the holidays this year... the anxiety spiral began. If you’re feeling left out during the holiday season, I share some tips what can shift your perspective. You’re welcome to feel your feelings but if you’re ready to embrace this season in a new way, focusing on being alone can be a super positive experience! Connect with the Date Yourself Instead Movement: Website | Instagram Connect with Lyss: TikTok | Instagram | YouTube

Welcome to Date Yourself Instead. Date Yourself Instead. What does it mean to date yourself instead? I'm just gonna learn how to love myself and that's it. Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead and Happy Holidays. I am in New York City right now and I just moved into my new apartment downtown. I am in love with the view and the vibe. I got a very spacious studio overlooking the water.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with New York rental prices right now, it is absolutely insane. You have no idea what I had to go through to find this apartment, but it was all worth it. It's really nice and it's super cozy. I'm gonna order a tree on Amazon later tonight for Christmas and I'm gonna look forward to decorating, decorating

during this time of year, is seriously my favorite activity. And it ties in today's episode actually because this is a holiday episode and we're gonna be diving into what it feels like to be lonely on the holidays. Feeling lonely on the holidays is actually a very common thing. And I don't know if it's really spoken about or talked about often,

but I was doing some research on this topic because I think a lot of us have experienced this feeling of loneliness, whether we're in a relationship or not, and whether we're surrounded by friends and family or other people or not, it is still very possible to feel super alone, even if you're surrounded by people. So this can apply to you if you're single or not. And I've gone through periods of time in my life where I felt lonely in a crowded room filled

of people I knew. And I know that might sound a little bit dramatic, but I've definitely had my fair share of experiences where even though I was with people physically and I was going to events and working and going to parties and going out socially, I still felt completely, internally isolated and alone in my head. And sometimes this feeling for me in particular really kicks into full gear during the holiday season. I read online that one out of every 10 people

spend the holidays completely by themselves or just feel super isolated and alone during this time of year in particular. And I know it might seem like if people have a lot of friends and they're posting it on their social media or if they have this like dreamy relationship that you wish you had and they're posting it on social media, it might seem like they're never lonely and the holidays are this magical time of year for everyone other than you. But I can guarantee you there are way more people who are spending the holidays alone this year than you even realize.

Of course, it's nice to have people around you, but being in a relationship or having people around you at all times is not directly correlated with happiness or feeling less alone all of the time. I felt super lonely in relationships during the holidays in the past because I wasn't with the right person and Sometimes I actually felt more alone being next to someone than just taking care of myself Being with someone else does not always necessarily mean you're a happier person and you're gonna have a better time during the holidays And as I've got an older I've realized that I do enjoy my own company more often times than not than being in a toxic relationship or situation with someone that feels really lonely. When you're not with the right person, it can often feel just as lonely if not

lonelier than when you're by yourself. I'll give you an example. I went out with this guy and Thanksgiving a few years ago. I matched with him on hinge and I wasn't with my family or friends this Thanksgiving. I was completely alone this year and I felt really lonely so I decided to give this guy a chance and go out on a date. And after the date I actually ended up feeling more alone and felt really weird because this guy was just not a good match for me to say the least. It was not a good date and I didn't feel comfortable being with him during the holidays. It honestly kind of killed my holiday spirit and you know how it is when you go on a bad

date. You just know that feeling you're kind of disappointed and you feel like you wasted a ton of time and energy. It just felt ten times that because it was Thanksgiving and it made me feel more isolated and more lonely and a little bit more sad. And I decided from that point on that it was better to spend time with myself and quality time loving myself more and focusing on myself than just being with anyone just to have some company.

Sometimes you really are just better off being in your own company than settling and being with someone that you don't really love or care about, especially during this time of year. And as I've got an older and I've approached 30, I realize that my own company truly is the best company. And I'm not afraid to be alone as much anymore because I started to really know myself the best and just because I'm alone at certain times in my life, I understand that doesn't always mean

it's going to be the case. Sometimes it's just temporary periods of time that we need in order to love ourselves deeper. And sometimes we just have to embrace the loneliness for the time being and understand that it really is all temporary. And eventually you know you're going to have someone special to celebrate with and you have to trust that. But in this current moment, if you are alone, it's an opportunity to love yourself a little more,

and that's totally okay, and if you look at it in a positive light, it's exciting because you know that once you do find someone to celebrate the holidays with, it'll be that much more amazing and appreciated. Now, I definitely want to make my first real point in this episode by saying, it is okay to take the expectations off of the holiday season Now, I definitely want to make my first real point in this episode by saying, it is okay to take the expectations of the holiday season and not do what everyone else is doing, or not feel how everyone else is feeling. Just because you feel lonely or you're alone during the holidays doesn't mean there's anything wrong or abnormal about you. Even if you are in a relationship, it doesn't mean you're happier as I mentioned earlier.

It can be so easy to feel alone in your head if you're not connecting with your partner the way you want to or if your friends live in a different state or you can't be with your family this year or you've lost a parent that's close to you. Like being lonely is a normal, common feeling for everyone. And especially it just kicks up during this time of year in particular. It can feel so isolating if you aren't with people and you see everyone on

social media posting. For example, even those friends giving posts and dinners this year, I was going through my stories and it did make me feel a bit sad because I didn't go to anything For Thanksgiving. I didn't celebrate with my friends this year. I Think society just puts these crazy expectations on all of us for the holidays to be like very social and to have these really intense Intimate connections and gatherings with people and it's advertised that way and seeing commercials like this and seeing other people posting about it, it just can make us feel kind of shitty if we aren't experiencing the same things and we don't have those people to surround

ourselves with. I was recently reading an article online and it talked about having these insanely unrealistic expectations during the holidays because we see what everyone else is doing. And it's so easy to jump to the conclusion that other people are having a better time than you and they have better families and healthier friendships and better relationships. And it's so easy to compare ourselves and our current circumstances to what we're seeing. And then we instantly feel bad about what we're doing during the holiday time. And in general, I feel like this applies

to more than just the holidays. But the truth is showing up for yourself and really taking care of yourself during the holiday season is just as meaningful and beautiful as spending time with other people. And we can ease the loneliness we feel by choosing to show up for ourselves and although it might not be the ideal situation you want to be in right now and you don't want to feel lonely,

just accepting that you do feel lonely and embracing those feelings and emotions does really help. It's okay to feel this way sometimes, It really is, and I've totally been there. So I'm going to list out some of the things that I think can help you navigate a period of loneliness during the holiday season. So my first tip sounds a little basic, but I promise you, once you get in the rhythm and a routine doing this, it's not basic.

It's actually a huge game changer for me. Walking. As you guys know, I live in a big city, I live in New York, and walking is just the thing here. It's actually all I do. I barely ever take ubers or cabs. It's getting cold out so that might change, but I just love to walk and just getting my body moving and staying active always helps me feel better. I love listening to podcasts in my headphones and taking long walks and listening to self-help books also. And honestly podcasts have really been getting me through periods of loneliness and just getting my

body moving and staying active while I'm listening to them helps me so much. And it feels like I'm listening to a friend give me advice as I'm walking and it's just very therapeutic. If it's too cold where you live, go to the gym and walk on the treadmill or just try to exercise in your house or wherever you can just to get your body moving, whether it's in your driveway, in your backyard, I know I might sound ridiculous right now. But just to kind of get your body moving or listen to like some uplifting music and dance around your room, whatever it is, I'll be listening to all I want for Christmas is you till New Year's. That's my favorite song of all time. It puts me in a really good mood.

That helps me feel less lonely and it really does lift my mood a little bit, especially during the holiday season that song in particular. it can't put you in a bad mood. You have to feel good when you listen to that song. It's just impossible not to. Another big thing for me is journaling and writing down my manifestation goals for the New Year. It is almost 2023.

So you can focus on what you want to do for the New Year as well. And I think that's so fun. And for those of you who know me, I am such a big believer in manifestation. I talk about this all the time. And I absolutely love writing down things I want to manifest and then seeing them come to fruition and seeing them physically appear.

It's happened to me so many times in my life. And it just feels exciting. And it makes life a little bit more magical. And whenever I feel alone and sad, focusing on what I want to manifest and how to create a better future for myself is always super therapeutic. Another big thing that I really do recommend this year is volunteering or donating. And giving back can actually make you feel less alone. Because one, you're making a positive difference and two, you might change someone's life in a way that you could never even imagine.

You might change their entire year or their family's lives. Even if it's a simple thing, whether you participate in a food drive and donate canned food to families or whether you go through your closet and find old clothes that you never wear anymore and donate them, or you could work in an animal shelter for a couple of days. It's just really cool to volunteer and give back, and especially during the holidays,

there are way less fortunate people than you realize, and volunteering is a really great thing to do, and it can make you feel more connected to people and humanity, and it can really help you with your loneliness because you're connecting to people and you're giving back. Another suggestion I have is joining a new club or doing something you wouldn't typically do. I have a very strong love-hate relationship with running but I do want to be better at it and I know it makes me feel amazing. So this winter I may or may not be joining a running club. I did look into it and it does look really intimidating,

but I know that'll give me a sense of community and more friendship. And when you participate in something new like that, it can be really rewarding. So if you have accessibility to fitness groups or you've always wanted to try something like that, but you never had the courage to, and you are feeling a little lonely this year.

You could always try breaking out of your comfort zone and joining a group like that. Not only will you be improving your health and your physical fitness, but you're also meeting new people and it could be really fun. I also think it never really hurts to DM someone on Instagram just to connect and have a conversation or reply to their story if you think they look cool and you just want to talk to someone. I know that might sound a little ridiculous, but I think it's fun to just connect with other people. That's what social media does and we have social media as a means to do so. So you really have nothing to lose. People message me all day long on Instagram,

and I love it. I love responding to people. I read everything, even though I can't respond to every single DM that I get because I get hundreds. I do love connecting with people and talking to people and meeting new people through Instagram. And I just don't think it really hurts to send a message because you never know who would respond to you.

And just messaging someone that you don't know and building human connections, you never know who would respond to you and just messaging someone that you don't know and building human connections, you never know. I just say like take a chance if you want to message someone, you really have nothing to lose at all. And I think it's really cool that we have social media and we're able to do that. It's just a really cool thing. So if you're feeling lonely, if you really have known to talk to, send me a message. I will try to respond. I'll do my best. I really do appreciate all the messages I get on Instagram. Another fun activity I just thought about is you could talk to a psychic or get your astrology chart read for the day. If you're having one of those days where you're feeling really alone and you want to change up your routine a little bit, I do this all the time. I meet with people on Zoom

and they just tell me more about my birth chart or they give me a psychic reading. I just think it's really purely for entertainment and it's so fun. That's just my type of entertainment, though, that might sound really lame to someone else. You don't have to take it so seriously, but it is a fun way to break up your routine once in a while

and just talk to someone about your future or your birth chart that actually might sound so stupid like the worst suggestion ever. But I really think it is entertaining and it's another activity you can plan for yourself if you're feeling alone and you just want to spice up your day a little bit. Also tying this back into social media, I think it's really convenient that we can go on platforms like TikTok now and see people who are also going through what we're going through and on such a personal level. So it almost feels like you have this like digital community to connect with other people

that are relating to your experiences. And whenever I'm going through something hard, videos about it always comes up on my for you page on TikTok. So if you're feeling lonely, you can literally search videos of people doing things alone for the holidays. And it just feels like you're connecting with people in a different way. And you understand that you're not the only one

going through these things and you're not alone. And there are thousands, if not millions, of other people going through a similar situation as you. Another suggestion I do have that I should probably take myself at some point is getting a pet, but obviously that comes with so much responsibility and you have to be ready for something like that. That's obviously a huge decision. Don't just get a pet on a whim. But the reason I'm suggesting this is because I was speaking to this girl I met

at an event a few months ago, and the conversation I had with her really stuck with me. She was saying how she felt really alone and she was kind of going crazy in her apartment and her therapist actually recommended that she get a cat because the cat is obviously lower maintenance compared to getting a puppy and there's a lot less work involved and you don't have to be taking care of the cat 24-7.

Obviously, it's still a massive responsibility but it's just not as much work as a dog. So she got a cat and she said she was so happy and it completely changed her mood and made her feel so much better and less alone. And the conversation with her really stuck with me. And I've been considering getting a cat for a while now because there are so many times where I do feel really isolated and lonely in my apartment by myself and it's just super quiet and eventually when I do have the mental capacity to get a cat, I think I really am going to get one and I think if you have the ability to get a cat or to get a pet in general, it's good to consider it. I think you should go for it. I know it really is therapeutic and it does really tend to help with loneliness.

And if that's just completely off the table and you're like, LIST, what the fuck are you saying? I'm not going out and getting a pet right now. Like, that's a terrible idea. I totally understand that. And I think you could just volunteer at an animal shelter and you might have the same feeling of just being connected to another living thing and like having animals around you can just make you feel better. And that's probably what I'm going to do this holiday season, just volunteering or fostering a dog or fostering a cat for a few months even can really ease your loneliness and make you feel a little better. So that's also an option on the table. Okay.

Now for a very doable suggestion, plan a really fun day for yourself, whether it's making hot chocolate in the morning or having a 10 minute meditation when you first wake up or going for a long walk and then doing some holiday shopping, making your space feel cozy, like buying some new holiday-centered candles,

some string lights to hang up on your wall, or listening to holiday music, buying yourself something new, going shopping on Amazon. I'm obsessed with Amazon, not sponsored. I'm just obsessed with browsing through Amazon and looking at things I probably don't need. But that's just a fun thing that I like to do that takes up some time.

Cooking, trying a new recipe or baking, just creating a really fun schedule for yourself on the holidays if you are going to be spending them alone can really be so much fun. And honestly, the days I spend alone are usually the days that are most memorable for me because I'm able to focus on what I actually want to do and focus on things that make me happy, whether it's bigger, small. Like I know for the holidays this year, I'm gonna be working on my content, creating videos to post on TikTok for you guys,

writing new music, listening to new music, finding new podcasts to listen to, and probably watching videos on YouTube and baking chocolate chip cookies is gonna be my nightly routine. I really think that investing in yourself during this time of year is so rewarding. And creating content for me is obviously my full-time job, but it's also something that I thoroughly enjoy and I'm passionate about whether anyone sees the content or not.

I still think I would be creating content, regardless if it was my job or not, because it's like creating memories at the same time. And I've always been a fan of taking pictures and posting my day to day life, even like back in the early days when there was my space and Facebook. I just think it's really fun and it's something I genuinely enjoy doing. So if you also enjoy doing that and creating content about your life, that's a really fun and good and productive way to take up some of your time if you have a lot of alone time this holiday season.

Whether you post a video of you baking on your stories just to share with your friends or family or you create a TikTok because it brings you joy and happiness and you want to showcase who you are and it could go viral. You never know or just showing a talent that you have online, do it and have fun with it. That's always a really fun way to take up some free time and enjoy time alone with yourself. And as you guys know, my whole podcast is centered around dating yourself and learning how to love yourself and be your own best friend, regardless if you're in a relationship or not. So if you are alone this holiday season, there's nothing wrong with taking yourself out on a date

or taking yourself out to dinner or cooking yourself a dinner and chilling by yourself. If you really don't want to be completely alone and you're like, yeah, that sounds terrible. And you want to go on a date and you're on dating apps and you choose to spend the holidays dating. That's also totally cool and fine. Do whatever you feel is going to make you feel the best and is going to make the holidays dating, that's also totally cool and fine. Do whatever you feel is going

to make you feel the best and is going to make the holidays enjoyable and memorable for you. I did mention the dating story earlier when I went on a date on Thanksgiving and although that didn't go as planned, I don't regret doing that. I think it was definitely an interesting experience that I probably wouldn't want to repeat, but I think in the future, I would be open to going on a casual date again during the holiday times if the opportunity just felt right. There is nothing wrong with having some fun

and going on dating apps and doing that too. If you wanna spend your holidays doing that and that's what brings you happiness, then go for it. And listen, if you hit up your situation ship during this time of year and that's what's going to get you through the holiday time, I'm not here to judge you. You have to do what's best for you and understand that it's totally okay to be alone or with someone regardless your happiness is all that matters. Spending quality time with yourself can be really fun and productive and peaceful if you make it that way But spending time with someone else if you choose to do that totally fine as long as you're happy

We're all gonna go through periods of times in our lives where we feel a little bit alone And we just want someone next to us and by our side. It's human It's normal and you have nothing to feel bad about regardless of what you decide to do it's normal and you have nothing to feel bad about regardless of what you decide to do. There has been periods of my life where I really wanted a significant other or I really wanted a core group of girlfriends to celebrate certain things with. And then there have been periods of times of my life where I chose to actually be alone because I wanted to just know myself better and just take care of myself by myself. You just have to do what's best for you and just take care of myself by myself. You just have to do what's best for you

at certain times in your life and not compare yourself to anyone else in what they're doing during the holiday times or in general. Another fun suggestion I have. Actually, I don't know if people are going to consider this fun, it sounds really nerdy, but I absolutely love to read.

A fun fact about me, my mom used to take me to the library every single day when I was two and three and four years old. And I was literally at a high school reading level when I was like eight. I'm not even kidding. My brothers used to call me Matilda. It was like the joke in my family that I was a baby genius because I was obsessed with reading. And I used to beg my mom to take me to the library and just sit there for hours reading. And the good news is I still do love to read, not as much as I did when I was younger, but I still really do love to read. And getting lost in a good book this holiday season with a cup of tea and just chilling in my apartment is my idea of a perfect night, honestly. I love discovering new books to read. If you have any suggestions for me,

feel free to slide into my DMs, by the way. I might sound a little boring giving out the suggestion, but honestly, that's what works for me. That's what makes me happy. It's not for everyone I know. It could be a little bit nerdy, but I really thoroughly enjoy learning and reading new books. So if you have a lot of free time, if you're spending the holidays alone, pick up a good

book and invest some of your loan time into reading, it really does make you feel more productive for some reason. And I love the physical books. I don't like reading on a screen or like from my phone or on an iPad, I really do prefer the physical copies. There's just something so special about it. It makes me feel like I'm lost in a time before technology existed and before phones existed because when I love to read, it was always with a physical book when I was younger obviously because there were no phones, there were no cell phones, and there was no technology to be distracted.

And it was just really peaceful and it reminds me of those times. And last but not least, the final suggestion I have is honestly treating yourself and pampering yourself and just making yourself feel good, even if you're not seeing anyone this year or you're not really doing anything this year for the holidays. I do this whenever I'm feeling a little down or sad and not really feeling confident about myself. I'll either book a hair appointment or a nail appointment or a spa day or I'll just do my own hair and makeup at home and just play some happy dance music and hang out in my apartment with a glass of wine. I'll take some pictures of myself. I know that sounds kind of funny but like just feeling good and making yourself dress up sometimes and pampering yourself

and then like documenting it when you're by yourself is actually really entertaining and it makes you feel more confident and oftentimes I'll just do it to simply boost my mood. Sometimes I have to force myself to do this, but it really does help from a mental perspective. You don't always need a special occasion to dress up. You can just dress up for you and not to go out and see anyone else and it really does help sometimes. There are also a lot of nights where I'm super lazy and I literally just wear pajamas and I do not move from my couch and that's also a way to spend your holidays. By no means do you have to listen to this advice, but I do feel like sometimes dressing up for no occasion

are the best moments for me. And with that being said, I think that concludes today's episode. I know I dished out a lot of different suggestions and information, so I hope that was somewhat helpful. Maybe those suggestions were a little bit ridiculous, but I hope it was a little bit helpful for those of you who are feeling a little bit ridiculous, but I hope it was a little bit helpful for those of you who are

feeling a little bit lonely during the holiday season and don't really have anyone to celebrate with this year. And remember, you could always DM me on Instagram, as I mentioned earlier, my DMs are open. Thank you so much for listening as usual. Happy holidays and stay tuned for the next one. Happy holidays and stay tuned for the next one!