Date Yourself Instead - Get over the fear of being alone NOW ft. Jemma Sbeg (Psychology of your 20's)

Episode Date: April 7, 2024

We're back again!!! Me and my beautiful Aussie friend and host of the top podcast Psychology of your 20's, Jemma Sbeg, are back with another episode conquering the topic of being alone. We discuss how to get over the fears associated with being single, being on your own, and dealing with the anxiety around "not having the one" just yet. JEMMA'S SOCIALS: Her podcast - Psychology of your 20's Her instagram: @jemmasbeg @thatpsychologypodcast JOIN THE DARE TO DETACH MASTERCLASS DOORS OPEN APRIL 19TH, 2024. USE CODE SELFLOVE FOR A DISCOUNT - exclusive for the podcast listeners. My instagram: @lyss @dateyourselfinstead

Okay, guys, so I have a story time for you. A few years ago, I was completely stuck in my life. I was completely lost. I was going through the worst breakup imaginable. I was feeling so defeated and drained. And I was so tired of losing my power when it came to dating and my romantic relationships. And I knew after my last heartbreak, I did not want to be that person anymore. That person that gave my power away to someone else for the sake of being in love, and I knew I needed a massive change, and that's why I created the Dare to Detach Masterclass. It focuses on rewiring your mind,

reprogramming your subconscious thoughts, and allowing yourself to step into a brand new identity by letting go of anything that's keeping you truly stuck in your life. I created Dare to Detach to help people shift identities in a brand new way by using techniques like meditation, affirmations, and constant repetition in order to truly rewire your thought patterns and your brain.

You get four days of videos instructed by me, detailed workshops that focus on rewiring your subconscious mind, reading materials, writing exercises, and so much more that's going to help you upgrade your entire life. If you're interested in joining us, you could use the code selflove at checkout, the link for the masterclass is in the show notes, and on my Instagram, at dateyourself instead. I love you. And now let's dive into today's episode. I am so excited because I'm in Sydney, Australia, and I'm recording again with one of my good

friends, Gemma. Gemma Bannister Hi. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited that Australia, and I'm recording again with one of my good friends, Jemma. Hi. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited that you're in this country. I know. In my part of the world. I know. And last time we recorded was in New York. Yeah. Yeah. We were just saying to the producer here,

we live like the furthest apart of probably anyone I know. Like Sydney to New York is such a distance. And yet we always like find a way to chat and record an episode. Yeah, it's really crazy because I feel like I struggle with even collaborating with people that live like next door to me in New York. I know what you mean.

And we're across the world from each other and we just make it happen. So I feel like it's pretty wild and I'm so happy to be here. And I'm still kind of processing that I really am in Sydney because it was a very spontaneous plan. And I just kind of, after I saw you in New York, you convinced me to come here and I was like, I need to go. Yeah. And I feel like this is the place that you belong. Obviously, I have a huge vested interest in getting you to like potentially move here, but like Bondi is totally your, like your way of living.

It is. It's easy. It's slow. It's, it's like the beach. It's like super positive mindset based. I feel like you're, well, you were loving it. Yeah. Until.

I was loving it until... Okay guys, so I debated whether I was going to share this, but here we go. It's a little bit graphic, so if you're very sensitive to graphic, I guess, audio, graphic stories. It's like you got shot or something. I know, I'm being so fucking dramatic right now. So basically, I was loving Bondi. I actually really still love it. It's an amazing place. You have the beach, amazing weather, the people are amazing. I've met so many people while

I'm here just organically. It's been truly incredible. And I've met a lot of you guys, which is really fun. However, the other day, I was feeling a little weird. I go back to my Airbnb, and I go to bed early because I'm like feeling just off. I wake up in the middle of the night. I must have puked 40 times in a row. 40 times. And I couldn't stop. And it was like to the point where I couldn't catch my breath because it wouldn't stop. And I didn't know anyone like to call and I was convinced I had to go to the hospital. And I was like, Oh my God, I think I have food poisoning.

So it crossed my mind to reach out to you. I was asleep. Yeah, but I knew you were sleeping. Like just logically, it's like midnight. You're not, why would you be awake? And I also was FaceTiming my parents, they were sleeping because of the time difference. And I'm sitting in my Airbnb in this dark room like by myself just sweating, like I had a high fever, I was like shaking, I was just so scared. I was like, I couldn't breathe because like I was just so scared. I was like- And you couldn't breathe? I couldn't breathe because like I was trying to stop vomiting and I couldn't because it

just kept going. So I would like try to catch my breath and I was like, oh my God, I think I need the hospital because I cannot stop. It was the worst I've ever been sick in my 31 years. Like I've never experienced anything like it. It was like violent food poisoning. It sounds like it. I don't know. It was the violent food poisoning. So it sounds like it. I don't know.

It was the craziest thing and also just so unexpected. It just like came out of left field. And I've yeah, I didn't really know how to handle it. So it was like, I think it was like almost one o'clock in the morning. And I'm desperate. I'm literally desperate. And I'm like, I don't know who to call.

I don't know what to do. So remember that guy I told you I went on a few dates with? So guys, there's this guy that I also will probably bring up on this episode. But I went on a couple of dates with this Australian guy that I've actually mentioned before on the podcast. I don't know if you guys remember, but there was an episode I said where I matched

with an Australian guy on Raya. Well, I met up with him while I was here and I'm not super close with him, but I think I was close enough to the point where I was like, you know what, if I die, at least someone will know. That's like desperate times. Call for desperate measures, i.e. Raya. Your Raya match is like your new doctor. No, actually. Really?

It was out of desperation, but also I knew that he would be able to help me. Because he's still nice. He's not a bad guy. No. This is such a lesson for solo traveling as well. Yeah. You could do a whole episode on this. No, I know.

Getting violent. I've never heard of anyone getting food poisoning that bad. That sounds atrocious. No, neither have I. That's like must have been something real. And the fact that you kept vomiting was like your body was like, it's still in there. Yeah. It must have been like a bug or something terrible.

I also like it crossed my mind that my body was going through just some like major detox because right before this all happened, I was listening to this audio, this like meditation thing on Spotify called Full Cell Body Detox. Well, there you go. And then, but I was already kind of feeling sick, so I was like, maybe if I listen to this, it'll make me feel better.

Literally got out of, shot out of bed, was puking my brains out. And then I texted this guy and I'm like, hey, I need a hospital. Like where's the nearest hospital? out of bed was puking my brains out. And then I texted this guy and I'm like, hey, I need a hospital. Where's the nearest hospital? He's like, oh, it's pretty far. It's like 20 minutes away, whatever.

Do you need me to take you there? And I was like, I actually think I might because I cannot stop throwing up. And he ended up just bringing Gatorade to my apartment and just being so nice. And like, I obviously like, I was like, you cannot be here. Like, I just need the Gatorade. It's like, bye. Like, bring me the Gatorade and I'm out.

Like, please leave right now because you're not witnessing me like, puking my brains out. So he, no, he was so nice. He just like, he scootered over and like, brought me Gatorade and he was being really kind about everything. So I felt like I owed him something after I was like, oh my God, like I literally owe you my life. You saved my life. Did you like talk to him the next day? Well, like, obviously, but have you seen him since? Yeah, I have. That's nice. Because he genuinely did care that I was okay. And that's like, that was really meaningful to me. Also, like, I think we mesh well as friends. Like, we did like a photo shoot together,

and he's like an amazing photographer, and he's so talented. And he's really sweet. And I really appreciated it. And also, like, I thanked him a million times. So there's that, but it was one of those like weeks where I'm still recovering and just trying to like make sense of what happened. Cause that was so, it was kind of traumatizing. Yeah, I feel so bad. I feel like I need to apologize on behalf of like Sydney restaurants for giving you like

this terrible experience. But like- Apologize on behalf of all restaurants in Sydney. Wait, do you know the emergency number for Australia? No Oh, I don't even know anything I was just like, all right, whatever happens happens at this point because you're like nine one one and it's not Oh my god. I thought about that. I know what is the emergency number zero zero zero Really? That's so much easier than nine. Why wouldn't every country have 000?

I think the UK is like 333. Yeah, like why the fuck is it 911? It's like two numbers you have to worry about while I'm dying. I mean, obviously it's not that hard, but like, if you're dying. Yeah, you're dying or like you're a child. Yeah. 000 like default done. But now you know. A couple of you didn't know. I didn 000 like default done, but now you know.

I can't believe you didn't know. I didn't. How would I know that? Exactly. That's why I was like, how could you know that? And I was sitting here being like, oh, you could have called an ambulance. And then I was like, oh, but you might not know how to, you might not know the number. And then I was like, oh, that's really like not a good way to be in. I had no idea of who to call, what to do. I had no idea of who to call, what to do. Like, it was crazy. It was crazy, but I'm glad that I'm back. I'm like totally fine now. The detox has been completed. I do feel like a major detox happened and I'm ready to maybe talk about something different

now. Yeah, let's do it. Let's move on from the image of you. I'm sorry. I apologize for this graphic introduction to today's episode because it really has nothing to do with what we're talking about. But it's funny.

But it could. It's entertainment. Me, terrible for you. But also, it could tie into it in a way, like fear of being alone because that could happen when you're alone. You get sick and you have no one to call. That literally happened to me.

And I will tell you, I survived. So get sick and you have no one to call. That literally happened to me and I will tell you I survived. So if you could take some inspiration out of that. Wait, that's actually such a profound thing to take out of it. Because I feel like when you're in a relationship, you always have someone hopefully who has to be there for you. Yeah. Then when you're not, obviously you have friends and you have family, but in your case, your family is your family is like thousands of miles away.

Your friends are probably asleep. There's not like someone in bed next to you who's like, yeah, I'm going to do anything I can to take care of you. And you kind of just prove that you don't need that to like still survive. Yeah. Wow. I didn't think that we were going to take such a huge lesson out of you getting food poisoning.

Well, I think I took it as a lesson, like, you know, anything could happen. And when you're alone, sometimes you have to be really prepared because like. I'm used to having a partner, like in situations like that, you know, like I've never been that sick without someone by my side. So to go through that and be alone in a foreign country and then not really have anyone to call, the only person I call was a guy that I matched with on Raya. That was like, okay, I think it also, you know what it, the thought that crossed my mind while that was happening

was also like, what if I die alone? Like it's because it was, it was that bad. It was like to the point where I almost thought I was going to like black out. And I, I got really scared for a second because I was like, you know, it makes you homesick. It makes you feel like, oh my god, like I don't have anyone that puts you in such a vulnerable mental state when you're that sick. So it kind of it made me a little sad that day. And the next day I was like kind of sad because I was like, oh my God, I really, I really had to do that all by myself. But now I'm like, all right, I survived.

You did it. I survived. Also just like that is, I feel like it would just intensify any feel or insecurity you had about being single. Oh, it did. It did. It was like, oh my God, I can only imagine. It did. Thank God someone was there to help.

Yeah, you always want, especially then, I was like, I would do anything for someone I'm in love with to take care of me right now. I know. And it's also just the vulnerability of that as well. Sorry, this is such a me being in my relationship being so sweet. It's nice because you're like, oh, someone is like a witness to my life. And like someone is seeing me and is like, I'm in this vulnerable state and they like love and accept me.

Oh, yeah. Because I, it's actually so funny because when I was in, I used to live in Bondi as well, but like a while ago, when I first started dating my boyfriend and I had something like that happened where I was out swimming in the bay, like across the Bondi beach. And I don't know what happened, but I pulled like the entire muscle from like my hip to my foot. Oh my God. And like my friend had to like pull me back into shore.

Like it was awful. Oh my God. Anyhow, and I, whilst I was in Bondi, I was looking after- I thought you were going to say like you had like a helicopter rescue or something? Oh yeah. Bondi rescue. I just wanted to get on TV. I just saw that yesterday.

That's what I- Have you watched that show? No. No. You need to watch it while you're here. It's like amazing. It's- Okay.

And people are addicted to it. Anyways, I, my friend had to like bring me in, but she had to go back to work and she was like, are you okay? And I was like, I guess? Like, I can't walk. But, and I had this dog at the time, more it's my friend's dog. Like the big, his name's Pablo, he's a huge Bernese mountain dog. That boy needs to walk.

Like he needs to be walked. He needs to like go outside and I could not do it. And like my boyfriend drove up from Wollongong, which is like an two hours away from Bondi. Oh my God. And just to walk the dog. And I was like, yeah. And I feel like I'd been in that mindset of like independent, independent. And it's not that like you can't do it alone, but it's that it's nice to have someone there who's like, can see your pain and thinks that it's like valid rather than

you just being like, I'm feeling sick and I just have to like feel a lot of self-pity and fear as well. Yeah, no. It's the best feeling in the world when you have that like, I don't want to say safety net, but you just know that there's someone there that's going to like protect you and like make sure you're okay when you're not doing your best. Yeah, but you survived without it and that's the that is the message for this episode with getting too far on the other part. Yeah, no, for sure. Like I think that was I think if anything, it helped me face a fear of like, what would

I do if I had no one when I was like, dying or ill or something And I was like, I pulled through, you know, there's always someone to call, which I did, but I definitely, definitely triggered a lot of things in me. Like in that moment, it like made my brain spin because you're like thinking of all these crazy, like crazy shit. It's also when you're sick, your brain will like just go off on tangents. Were you thinking about like someone finding your body? No, no, no. I was like, wait, what?

I was thinking more of like, if I pass out here, no one would know. Because I actually felt like I was going to. So I was like, who's going to know? Like I have no one. And then it kind of spiraled into this whole thing of like, wow, like I'm really by myself. Yeah. But anyways, we all have fears. And I think a lot of this episode is going to be tied into that. And like a lot of us living in fear still about different things, especially if we are single. And I think the episode should cover how to let go of fear and dive into the unknown and also just, you

know, be okay with the unknown. I think a lot of people have this fear of like being alone and not knowing what to do about it and just being like lost because you have no one to turn to. And I think maybe, you know, the food poisoning story was a nice transition. I actually think it was. I think it was too. Upon reflection, excellent choice of story. So good.

I'm always, you know, taking lessons out of the tragedy of my life. But I posted on Instagram too, like, I asked people what their biggest fears were and I wrote them down. And a lot of them tied into being alone for the rest of their lives, ending up alone, not finding the one, not finding that person that like ignites that passion in you and just settling. And I think 90% of the people so far have said, just not finding love that's really real,

like the love that we want, that we see other people have where you're like crying at the altar type of love. Yeah, oh my god, I know what you mean. Yeah, so I think that's a good thing to cover and also just the fear of the unknown in general about like life. It's so hard I think because like the fact that so many people had the same fear just shows how universal and human it is. Yeah. That is such a unique thing about us as creatures. If we really break it down to our biology and who we are, we want community and we want

connection and we want to have someone in our life. Because evolutionarily that meant that we had better chances for survival, we had better chances like mainly that's just it. We felt safer, we felt seen, we felt like there was going to be more access to food. Like, there are all these things that we have been, like, primed for, like, millions and millions of years ago that now are, like, reflected in modern-day fears of, like, being alone and not finding love and, like, fears of never having, I guess, that passion for who you're with. Do you know what I mean? It's such a universal insecurity that is not

just one that you can solve overnight because it is so in your DNA to fear that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I always think about it too, like, we're programmed in a way to have that fear because so many other people also talk about like, oh, like, what if you end up alone? Like, I've had my parents especially just like kind of put this like subtle pressure on, you know, you're getting older, like, are you gonna actually, you know, take dating seriously? Are you actually going to date someone that's going to be long-lasting? Because I've gotten myself in a lot of situations where I knew it wasn't gonna work out,

and they've seen that and witnessed that, and they're like, what are you doing? Like, why are you wasting your time type of thing? And I'm like, I'm also living. Like, I want to live and just learn through experience and that's just my personality and nature. But yeah, I think a part of me is like also like shit, like maybe they're right. Like maybe I should be kind of trying to like find someone intentionally and not be so. I not be so go with the flow. Well, but that's like who you are. So I feel like if you were to do that, A, it would be, you would be, it would be a false narrative. Like this person would be like falling in love with someone that isn't you.

And secondly, okay. Oh my God, sorry. I'm going to like start beef with your parents, but like, it's not like you want to be alone. It's not like anyone out there is like, I think very few people are that emotionally unavailable that they actually want to not have people in their life. Oh, yeah. Or that traumatized.

That is such a rare amount of people. And I heard this all the time when I was single with people being like, oh, but don't you want a relationship? It's like, yeah, of course I do. But it's not that easy. Yeah. It's like, just because you have wishful thinking, like, doesn't mean that it's

going to come true. And I think it's also this thing of like, you're still so young. Like you're not even a third of the way. Yeah. Through your adult life. Yeah. If you think about it, you're only like halfway through, like between the ages of like, you know, 15 and like you're really really you've only been an adult for like half of your life.

Like you have so much time to figure it out. And we were talking about this the other day where it's like that fear of not finding love is the thing that causes you to settle and is the thing that causes you to be with someone for like maybe five, ten years just because you want someone in your life, and then you're 45, you're 50, and you're single again. For sure. And isn't it worth waiting a little bit longer

to find someone who you know you'll be with till the end? 100%. Yeah, and then like jump into a relationship right now, and in 10 years it's over, and you're back to square one. Yeah, that's my whole mentality around it. It's like I would rather go through what I need to go through, experience life, and I'm trusting when it's really right, then I will meet my person when I'm fully

healed in a way where I'm going to mirror that in a partner. So like for me, I think everything I've seen and also just recently, I had the craziest experience, which I'll tell you in a second, but like I was talking with one of my best friends about this and she is a subconscious breakthrough coach and everything is your mirror and every person is your mirror in a way, especially when it comes to relationships, like they will meet you where you're at in a way. Like you're going to meet people in your life based on where you're at in your life and based on how you feel internally about yourself.

I think there's a lot of truth to that. I think you attract people based on like how you feel internally about yourself, right? Absolutely. I really believe that we have to be ready to receive whatever it is we're trying to manifest or attract. And I think people just, as you said, they'll settle at a place in their life where they're not really ready for it. And then they'll end up attracting someone that isn't necessarily right for them.

And then it'll end because you weren't in a place to actually like receive that long-term partner. You were like attracting someone that was going to be temporary because you weren't fully ready for it. Do you know what I mean? I totally know what you mean. Yeah. And I think a lot of people are like, oh, that's pseudoscience. And I'm like, no, actually, there's a lot to be said about that, especially when it comes to loneliness, right? And healing the part of you that will take on a relationship at any means necessary because you're so afraid of being alone. I've seen this happen so many times.

Like it's a basic like response to not want to be alone. And, and so you'll just bring anyone into that space to fill it because it will fulfill this like very primary need that you have. But once you are at that level of feeling like, okay, now I have someone, honestly, I think that's when a lot of stuff like opens up for you as well. And you're like, oh my gosh, there is a whole like wardrobe. I've used this analogy before. There's like a whole wardrobe of just like junk that I never opened because I was just

like, I needed a relationship first. And I think it's sometimes so much more beneficial to just like force yourself to open that wardrobe when you're on your own, even though the mess feels a lot more like intense, right? It kind of links back to what you were saying where it's like, yeah, it is nice to have someone to be there to help you with your problems when you're sick, when you're struggling, just to be a witness to your life. But also there is actually a real responsibility that you have to kind of sort your own shit

out. Like, I know it's kind of hard, like it's a harsh reminder, but there's this like RuPaul quote that everyone always uses. People are used to really harsh shit on my podcast. I'm a lot more gentle in my own show. I'm like, do whatever you want, but no. You need to sort your fucking shit out. And like, I don't even know if you're allowed to swear, but there you go. Yeah, you are. I say fuck all the time and I get these like old grandmas message me and they're like, I stopped listening to your podcast because you cursed.

Well, grandma's like, I'm like, well, my grandma until she was 87, she cursed. I'm Italian. So am I. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't even know that. You've never spoken about it before. Oh my God. I feel like I was about like, yeah.

That's so funny. Anyways. But I honestly think that like, yeah, it does get to that point where it's like, you really need to sort your shit out because you're wanting someone who's done the same for themselves, right? Like you want someone in your life who has, you don't want to be, like, obviously there is a level of like mess that we accept with anyone and that's like actually a beautiful part of a relationship.

But do you want someone coming into a relationship with you who's like I'm still not over my ex and I'm still like dealing with this trauma of a breakup from like six years ago and I'm still like afraid of being alone. Would you want that in a partner? No. Wow that's such a good point. Right? So it's like why? We don't think about that often. No. Because I know I have like some stuff I still need to work through with that. And you just like opened my eyes to that when you said that, because I was like, wow, like, how would I feel if like, that person that I was dating was just like still kind of hurting over certain things?

Yeah. Or still like exactly. And it's like, okay, so if you wouldn't accept a relationship with someone who was like that, why do you think that someone's going to be willing to accept that on you? And they should. Like there is a level, I think, where everyone still has things that they need to heal from. And actually it is the comfort of a relationship that brings about, I think, that final, like 10% of acceptance and healing. I found that with Tom.

Like, but I wasn't like going into relationship being like, oh fuck I really like I'm still angry at someone for hurting me like six years ago. Because that's gonna eventually come up. You're gonna want to talk about it with them and they're gonna be like, I kind of want someone who's like at a place where that doesn't bother them anymore. For sure. Right. You can only attract a partner from basically at where you're at. Exactly. And it's so interesting because, yeah, I

think obviously we all have issues that we need to work through. It doesn't mean you need to be perfect going into a new relationship. But there also has to be an understanding from both ends that you both have shit to work through, and you're willing to grow and go through it together. Like that is also a possibility. But I also feel like you're right in the sense of I don't want to enter a relationship if I still have all this emotional baggage that I haven't dealt with and then throw it onto a partner and then vice versa because I wouldn't want that done to me. Yeah.

You know, I would want to enter from a place of like groundedness, peace, trusting that like, you know, I did enough work now on myself to enter from a place where I'm not going to be codependent and I'm not going to be, you know, entering a relationship for the wrong reasons either because I've done that before where I'm like, okay, I'm scared to be alone. I would force relationships. I remember there was one time I was dating a guy that I knew it was not gonna go anywhere,

and I entered the relationship being like, it was a situationship. It was an Irish relationship. It was a situationship. But I was like, this isn't gonna go anywhere, but he's attractive and we hang out and we can have decent conversation. And I just like didn't want to put in the effort to like meet anyone else, like because I had had him and it was just convenient.

And I was like, let me just like date him. How long did you date him for? I dated him for seven months and he ended up actually, I ended up getting my heart broken because I ended up like forcing myself to like like him and then I actually started to actually like him and he was like not right for me at all. He was just like, he had severe commitment issues but so did I in a sense because I was like forcing it. I didn't really, I didn't even really like. Honestly, I've seen this, I've seen this happen in my own life.

Yeah. It was like right after a really like my biggest breakup of all time. Yeah. The big one. Yeah. And I met this guy, I've talked, I've talked to you about this before I met this guy and I was like, same thing. I wasn't even attracted to him.

And within six months, I was like on the floor sobbing. It took me like a year to get over him. Yeah. And I was like, what the hell? Like I was over my ex who I dated for two years and like three months. And then this guy, the thing is it's repetition, right? It's the same way that you can like repeat good things in your mind and get you and have a real mindset shift.

And you can repeat positive habits and find that it builds consistency. You can also repeat habits in relationship, in relation to someone else and find that just the closeness and the familiarity is enough to create attraction. That is what attraction really is. It's like proximity. It's like repetition and it's like familiarity. It's so true. And it's like, whoa. And it's recipro repetition, and it's like familiarity. It's so true. And it's like, whoa. And it's reciprocity as well. So like getting it back. And if he

was giving you enough back to just like kind of keep you on edge, there is like no way that you could have gone through that. Having had at least some level of like physical attraction to him, you said like he was pretty attractive. Yeah, he was. You like put yourself right in the formula to like fall in love. And it happens all the time. Yeah. Because you're not like, you have to make a decision about whether you like that

person. I honestly think in the first like two months before you've had any, and you need to stick with that decision. Like if you, if you say in your mind, I don't want to be with this person, I am not attracted to them, they are not my future. You've got a two month window to get out because after two months, like you were going to find that you'll get kind of confused

because everything is like, that's probably what happened to you. And you're used to that person. And then all of a sudden you're like, maybe I do like them because they've been around enough, enough times. And you're like used to going to dinner with them and spending time with them and texting them all day.

And that's exactly what happened to me. The first two months, I was like getting the constant ick. I was like, this guy's weird. Like he's, other than his looks, we would have these like awkward moments when we would hang out where like, it would just be moments of silence. And like, I was just like scrambling things to talk about

because I was like, oh my God, I don't know, you know, like we're running out of things to talk about. Cause I was like, Oh my God, I don't know. You know, like we're running out of things to talk about. Like I would come up with these like crazy things to talk about. It was like so awkward. And I'm usually pretty good with conversation. But also that's because you have like chemistry with people. Yeah, for sure. Do you know what I mean?

I was like really forcing it. You're not a bad conversationalist. Like if that is not working, like something's really not right. And also like the silence. I always say this, like being in silence with someone is like a big indicator that you're going to be all right. Because if it doesn't feel uncomfortable. Oh, if it doesn't feel uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, sorry. I should have said that first.

Like a comfortable silence is like such a good sign. Oh, yeah. Because I'm sorry, like if this is your person, you're going to get to 80. You've talked about most of the things that have come through your mind. They know everything. This is a panic silence. Yeah. This was like, that is not a calm silence.

That is like an anxiety, like a stress silence. Yeah. This was, there's a difference between a comfortable silence and like a panicked silence and I was just like, oh, fuck, like this is so awkward. And like, I would get so nervous around him. And it was I was just so out of body. It just felt like I was like not myself, but also, I got that thrill of like, trying to make something work. I was like, oh, like, let's just see, you know, whatever. And I was I kind of was clinging to this, like, unknown

of it all. And when I tell you he was one of the hottest guys I've ever been with in my life, it weighed in like 80%. Whoa. Because I was so physically attracted to him. That weighed in a lot because otherwise I think I would have just whatever. But then there was this one instance where I feel like this is gonna go off track but I have to say it's hilarious. There was this one instance where we were not dating for very long. It was about two months in, and I invited him to my apartment for the first time. And we ordered pizza, and it was this place that had like vegan pizza, and I was vegan at the time.

I'm not anymore. But he's like, oh, yeah, I'm down to try vegan pizza. And I think it upset his stomach. Because then for the next hour, he was in my bathroom and didn't come out. And I wasn't at the level with him to like ask if he was okay. It was just so awkward because we were just not. Yeah, there was just not a vibe there to begin with and then he was just like locked in my bathroom for an hour. And you're like, I don't know what to do. Gatorade, you know now. Oh my god, oh my god, the Gatorade.

I'm never looking at Gatorade again. No you shouldn't. Yeah I was just like okay this is definitely really it was just like, okay, this is definitely really, it was just like really uncomfortable. And I remember you said there's a two month window to get out. That was the window I feel like where I was like, okay, I think it's time to end things like for good. Like it's done. Like he comes out of the bathroom, he's like, I got to go. And he just like bolted out of my apartment. And I'm just like, this is so awkward. Like, you're not gonna address that?

My whole apartment just like smelled bad. Oh, Lord. And he had an opportunity there to be like, oh, that's so funny. Like, oh, like, do you have a candle? Like he had the opportunity. He just like, no, no, he wanted to leave. I think it was just, obviously it's like one of those things

where you're kind of just like embarrassed. And I was fine, but I was just, obviously, it's like one of those things where you're kind of just like embarrassed. And I was fine, but I was like, you know what, I don't like him enough to keep him around now at this point. And four days went by where we didn't speak. And then he didn't text me either. So it kind of like fucked with my head because I was like, maybe like it's either he's embarrassed or he doesn't care.

And there was like, neither of those felt comfortable to you. You were like, yeah. And then somehow after that, I went from like not having any interest at all to being so overly attached to him. Made no sense. Oh my gosh. I totally, you know this. To know something. I do. I literally know it on a spiritual level, what you were telling me right now. But it's like why so many relationships end after like three months? Because it's like, either you're like, oh my god, suddenly it's just like, you have,

it's just like, just suddenly like locked in. I don't know how to explain it. The shift happened where I was like, I'm done with this guy. And then a few days passed, we didn't speak. And then I was like, and then we started texting again and I was like all in all of a sudden. I'm like, what the fuck happened? It's also probably because of like you had that break where you were like, maybe a little bit like he wasn't like constantly like activating your dopamine systems as he was doing beforehand.

Yeah, and so then there was like this little period of withdrawal where you were like, actually I do like having these little spikes and I do like having this gratification. And you were like, oh, suddenly you're all back in. Like you've missed him, but you haven't missed him. You've missed the attention, you've missed the excitement, you've missed just like the anticipation of having someone like, you know, to text, to talk to. But I find that all the time is like the amount of friends that I've had who have been like, I did not like this person. And then the three month mark happened, we were still together. And then you also are like, at that stage, you feel embarrassed to probably turn around to your friends or your family and be like, yeah, we've ended things.

Yeah. Because by that point, you've probably introduced them to some of your friends or your friends know about them or your family knows something's going on. And it's just like, I find you're kind of also locked in, not just in terms of a commitment to them, but a commitment to the idea that you were in a relationship. Yeah. And you don't want someone,

you don't want to have this pattern of people being like, oh, like, here we go again, like another one. I had that with someone as well, where I was like, oh, I'm just we go again, like another one. I had that with someone as well where I was like, oh, I'm just gonna stay because like my parents like him and I don't wanna upset them and I don't want them to think that like, I'm a failure in my relationships. And they were like, what the hell,

when I told them later on, they were like, you should have broken up with him a lot sooner. We didn't like him at all. We just didn't wanna tell you because we didn't want you to like- Oh my God. They were like, yeah. We hated that guy tell you because we didn't want you to like... Oh my god. We hated that guy and I was like, oh fuck, I'm going to stay for another three, four months.

Yeah. It gives me the ick now. I'm ick of myself. But it's so valid and I think a lot of people, and myself included, will stay because of that fear of like the unknown of what would happen if we did end it and also just finding ourselves being comfortable with that pattern as you said in the repetition of seeing that person all the time and like that's something that I'm working on now is not getting myself stuck in another thing unless I'm really certain and like really evaluating a person and with this person that I met here in Australia on Raya, I told him like, I'm being very intentional and cautious in a healthy way about dating.

Because in the past, what I would do was I would say, I'll just feel it out. I'll just, you know, keep going with it. I'll keep going on dates. I'll keep hanging out with this person consistently. And then what would end up happening was exactly that, where I'd get used to them. And I would build up this like, familiarity with this person where like, I would just get used to their presence and communicating with them. And it became a comfort. And then I would get attached for the wrong reasons. And now I'm like very intentional and I vocalize that to him. And he was like, I actually really respect that you approach dating that way

now, because he's like, I'm very good with the flow. I thought you were just looking for some like little romance while you're here. And I was like, I'm not looking for a little romance. I'm 31, I've had little romances. I've had situation shifts. I've had real relationships. Like the last thing I want right now is a little fling in Sydney.

And then I go home and I'm like, cool, bye. Like it's not, it doesn't make sense for me now. It would have made sense for me if I was 21, when I did do that, when I was 21, I was here and I had a fling. And he had a car, remember? And he had a car, he had a lot of other issues. But he had a car.

But he had a car. And I already have lived through those lives and I have had those experiences. And now being intentional, it's actually life-changing because I know that I'm not going to be intimate with someone. I'm not going to share, you know, like the deepest parts of myself with someone unless it's real. And I think that's important to me.

Like, I don't want to just throw all my energy into someone right now unless it's the real thing. And I'd rather put that energy towards my work and my passions and like my love for myself, not gonna like, you know, get super close to someone just to run away and move back to New York and never see them again. Because he, I think he was under the impression

like that was what I wanted. The thing is the fact that you like communicated that, if you hadn't, it could have been that. Yeah. That's the thing. Like I often find that when people don't have a strong sense of what they want, that's when things go completely awry because you're just accepting anything that comes, it's like, you know, I always think about it, like choosing a restaurant.

It's like, you'll just eat anything. Like when you really want Italian food, like you're going to find like the best Italian restaurant in like a five kilometer radius, five mile radius. And like you're going to be intentional with being like, you're going to check the reviews. You're going to like really, if this is like the meal of like the month of like, this is what I really want, you're going to be intentional. But if you're like, I don't really know what I want, like you end up ordering like shitty takeout and then you feel kind of gross.

And it's like, I know that seems like super different and it is, but the message and the underlying like motivation and decision-making that we have in those situations is the same. It's like, if you are just willing to accept anything, anything is what you're going to get, but if you're're super intentional and the gate is like, the opening is a lot smaller because you want the right piece to fit in, it might take longer but you're going to be more satisfied when you get it. For sure.

Which I feel like is the thing you keep coming back to. Yeah. Those relationships that are flingy and small, that might make you feel okay for five, six, seven months. Those are just so emotionally shallow and it's something that my friend said to me, which I loved when I was doing something similar where she was like, all right, that's seven months that you're not going to get back that you could have put towards working on yourself, seven months that you could not going to get back that you could have put towards working on yourself.

Seven months that you could have been more open to someone. You could have met someone, you probably maybe have met someone during that seven months who could have been like the one, but because you're in this relationship or the situation ship it's like, well, there they go. Because you're not ready to accept someone you want into your life. That's what she said to me when I was in a similar situation and I was like, oh my God, I've made so many mistakes. But now it's like, it all works out.

You learn. You learn what not to do. And I think I'm way more, it makes you more intentional. You learn through those experiences, it makes you way more intentional about where you're putting your energy, for sure. And especially now, like I'm like, okay, if this person isn't adding to all the things I've done to work on myself and make me feel like unstoppable,

I mean, I don't need anyone to make me feel unstoppable, but like I want my partner to inspire me. Like I want my partner to make me feel good and like I could do even more than what I'm doing and amplify that, amplify my good qualities the same way like I would hope that I do that for them, right? If that's not it, I'm not dealing with it. And I feel like anything that's costing me my peace or draining me in any aspect or making me feel uncomfortable or making me feel like I'm distracted, which is a big one because I think a lot of relationships in my past have been major

distractions. I'm not entertaining at all anymore and I've also noticed that it's a lot more lonely like because now if a person talks to me or a guy is texting me or something and I don't feel it and I'm like, you know what? This is not really for me. I'm not it's I'm not I'm not gonna text just to text someone That's like not who I am anymore. I used to be But I'm so focused on my own goals and like my life now that where I'm like, I don't have time to just be like Hey, what you up to like if it's not serious It's a lot more lonely. And there are moments where I struggle with it for sure,

because I'm like, oh, I wish I had that person to go to. And I'm scared a little bit. Like, I get a little in my head sometimes where I'm like, oh, shit, like, am I on the right path? Am I doing the right thing for myself right now? Am I too picky? Am I, you know, are my standards getting too high because I'm, you know, healing so much, but like, who's going to match this type of energy, like where I'm going to feel like they really can add to my life? It's scary.

It is. It is super scary, but there is someone who is probably thinking the exact same thing at this point, being like, oh my God, I really want to meet a girl who's so committed to her own healing. That's the thing. Who has this cool business and who is focused on herself. Also, I've learned race, obviously, with Tom, I'm like, all those things that people told me real love should feel like, it does feel like that,

but we don't talk about what you just said like it's not a distraction. Yeah. Like if anything like I just want to be, I used to always hear people be like you just want to be better and I was like and when you're focused on like healing yourself you're like well I'm already the best like I'm already better like I'm that is my whole the name of the game now. And then you meet someone and it's like, oh my God, I totally get what you mean. It's like, okay, yeah, like someone should not be coming into my life like a bulldozer and like knocking down all the hard work that I'd done previously.

Like they should be like, oh my God, I love everything that you've set up for yourself, like what can I do to water that? What can I do to build that with you? And then you suddenly like, I was thinking about it's like a little village and then the village just gets bigger and it's like, your garden just gets bigger and it's just beautiful. Again, remember last episode we did, I did so many metaphors.

I know. I love your metaphors. I think they're so inspirational and I think they're really helpful because some people are more visual and metaphors are really helpful when it comes to understanding certain things. I'm a big metaphor person. I was gonna say you are as well. I just know I just I just love listening to them like I don't think I say a lot of metaphors but I whenever you say metaphors whenever yeah like I just love metaphors I think they're so... I have like one about a little village and one about like ordering pizza. Yeah I know I'm, you are, you really are the queen of metaphors. I actually really, I don't know if you'd be, you could say no, but I, I kind of want you

to tell the story of before you met Tom, where you were, you knew you needed to heal and you were alone and you were with someone super shitty. And then like you, you did that healing work and then you saw that person and you realized with someone super shitty and then like you did that healing work and then you saw that person and you realized like how far you'd come. That was like the most inspirational story ever. I think so many people would love that. Okay, I'll tell you. Okay.

You don't have to like use any names or anything. Yeah, so his name was not just going to, I don't want to get sued. No one's going to sue you. I'm so scared about it. I don't know why. I know, I know. Because you're dating a lawyer? I'm dating a lawyer.

He's like, is that defamatory? I'm so scared about it. I don't know why. I know, I know. Because you're dating a lawyer? I'm dating a lawyer. Yeah. He's like, is that defamatory? He always tells me these scary cases. Is that defamation? No, he always tells me these scary cases and I'm like, oh my God, I'm so scared. But anyhow, so I was dating this guy. We'll call him Robert because that's an easy...

Yeah, Robert is like, just to give him a name. Okay. Robert, because that's like an easy, yeah, Robert is like, just to give him a name. So his name is Robert. And I had come out of a long-term relationship. It'd been like maybe four months. I met him. And again, it was like what we were talking about. It was just, I wasn't initially attracted to him. And then suddenly we were dating and suddenly I was obsessed and he was everything to me.

It was happening at this time of a huge shift in my life. I had built this life in a previous city that I was living in, and everything about that life was just crumbling down. My friends were all changing, I was about to graduate uni. Everything was just in this point of just flux. I was losing friends as well. It was just like this, and it was COVID. Everything was just the rocky ground. And he was like this escape. He was like this place I could go where I could just be with him and I felt like he cared about me enough that I felt like that need was satiated.

It ended up being, as the relationship progressed, so detrimental to my emotional well-being that after we broke up, I couldn't even hold a conversation with anyone. It was ridiculous. I moved to Sydney basically to get away and I would, even people that I wanted to be friends with, I would go out to life drawing classes and pottery classes. I was just doing all these things and people would be like, oh, how are you going? I'd be like, yeah, really good. And it was awkward. I really had such little self-confidence because of what he'd kind of taught me about myself that I was really struggling. And basically at the end of the relationship, I was like, I love you. And I told him I loved him. And he told me that he was going on a date with somebody

else. Oh my God. I'm sorry. And we were on a trip together. I didn't know that. I know. I don't talk about much. It was awful, but now I think it's hilarious. You're like looking back, you're like, haha. Yeah, I like wrote it in the book. You're lost. I wrote. I don't talk about much. It was awful, but now I think it's hilarious. You're like looking back, you're like, ha ha. Yeah, I like wrote it in the book. You're lost.

I wrote it in the book the other day. I'm so excited for your book. I am as well. I'll plug it on the podcast once. Thanks. You can hear more about Rob. Anyhow, so he also like would just take me down in front of his friends. Like he would just be like, oh, that's what you're wearing? Oh my god.

He'd be like, my show was like quite young at the time. And he was like, oh, that's what you're wearing? Oh my God. He'd be like, my show was quite young at the time. He was like, I just don't think anybody's going to listen to that. It's just so ironic. He sounds terrible. He was really awful. He was just like, the thing was I realized that there was a level in which I was accepting

that behavior because I didn't feel like I deserved more. I finally was like, it got to this point where I was like, I am going to completely lose who I am if I don't leave. And so I was at his house one night and I just like was looking at him and I just burst into tears. And it felt like this thing just came over me where I was like, I had no intention that night of breaking up with him. I had it in my mind, but it was just like every single cell in my body was like, get out of this relationship. And so I walked out and I literally didn't see him for over a year and a half. Wow. And I couldn't stop thinking about him because there was no, I

don't know why, there was no closure. There's so many what ifs. He got a new girlfriend like within three, four months of us ending things, which was honestly quite awful because I was like, you're giving her everything that you never gave me. And I always hear people ask me like, but what if he treats the next girl better than he treated me? And I'm like, well, actually I lived through that. And it was kind of actually nice to know that he did so that this other girl didn't have to go through what I went through. You don't know what happens behind closed doors though either. That's true.

Because I have a story about that, but continue. I want you to finish. Okay, wait. Yeah. So anyhow. Sorry, that sounds very dark. Yeah, wait. You don't know what happens behind closed doors. But it's true because you can judge someone's relationship from the outside, but you don't know how he's treating her. Wait, tell me the story now.

Really briefly. Oh, no, just like I dated someone who treated me a certain way, which was a lot. There was a lot of emotional chaos and abuse that no one knew about. And people just assumed from the outside that my relationship was 100% amazing and I was doing all these cool things with this person and we're posting these amazing things all the time together. And everyone would always be like, oh my god, I'm so envious. Couple goals, couple goals, all over social media.

Oh my god, you guys are couple goals. It was like this thing back in the day that people would comment all the time. I know, I know, you mean, yeah. And meanwhile, behind closed doors, I was hysterical every night, crying myself to sleep, miserable, anxious. Like, there was like so much shadiness and just things that were really abusive emotionally. And no one had a fucking clue. So that's my point.

Just, you never really know until you know someone and I think you probably dodged a bullet without even realizing it anyways. Oh no, you're totally right. And that's a great reminder to people who have that fear. What if he treats the next person better? It's like, you don't know. Also, people don't change that much. Yeah, no, they don't know. Also, like, people don't change that much. Yeah. No, they don't. Yeah, they really don't. That person just might be putting up with more than you would, you know?

Yeah. And I don't, again, don't know. I wish them the best. I really am at a point where I'm like, have a happy life. But I went to Bali and I was like, I'd done like the six month hiatus from dating because I just kept finding myself in the same kinds of relationships. It's like this, actually I know what it is now, it's called repetition compulsion where you keep repeating the same relationship patterns because they are what feels comfortable to you. I had broken up with him and then three months later I was in the same relationship with just someone with a different name. Then three months after that same relationship and I was like,

geez, like what is going on? And so I was like, six months, no dating, still couldn't stop thinking about him. Couldn't stop. It was getting to the point where I was like, I, I don't know what I'm going to do. Like, this is so awful. And then I was in Bali and I'll keep it brief, but I had this encounter with someone that he knew and then learned that he was there. We had this encounter that was just so cathartic where I just was like, oh my God, I feel nothing for you anymore. I spent the last year and a half, probably like just over a year, thinking that you were

this person and you're just not. And every single, it was just like, I saw it, I saw him and I was just like, all right, I'm done. And it was almost overnight. I love that so much because it just shows the fantasy of someone we could build in our heads and waste so much time, not waste time, but like kind of waste time just like fantasizing about the potential of like what we think they could be and then to actually have the universe connect you just to be like yeah like Gemma like get over this fucking person like he's literally not it is so cool like

that's such a like how the hell were you both in Bali at the same moment? So one of his like, well his old housemate had moved there and I saw his old housemate and it was like, it was just like insane. And he didn't try to, he wasn't trying to get back with you or? No, he has a new girlfriend.

Oh right, he has a new girlfriend. And I just was like, no, and I messaged him and was like, we should chat. And it was just like this whole thing. And yeah, I was just like, oh my God, I'm over it. I cannot even explain. It was like, almost like, I'm trying to get, I think it was just over a year.

I'm trying to do the math in my head whilst I'm talking, but it was a significant amount of time and it was all undone in like, in just a moment. And I met my boyfriend the next day. It's so crazy. It's so crazy. And I'm not saying that that is a story that everyone can relate to, but I think that there was just all this, it was like, I'd done a lot of the healing.

All I needed to do was just let it go. You needed to just slam the door shut. It was like almost shut and you just needed to like that final like push. And then a new door opened the next day. No, everything is energy. Like I truly believe that nothing is a coincidence at all. Everything is energetically connected. And it was an energy shift where you just needed to slam the door

officially closed to meet Tom. I did. I also think it was like, okay, if he's, it was like I had these two versions of this ex Robert in my mind and one version I was in love with and then there was this other version that I could totally get over, but it was almost like I didn't know which version he actually was. So it was like this weird thing where I was like, oh my God, like there's this version of him that's evil and awful and I really don't like. But I keep thinking that he's this other version and then it just showed me that he was actually

that version and it was like, great. All the things that come out of him being that version, great done, the door closing, opened a new door, and Tom is the love of my life. He's so, you asked me the other day, you were like, was there just this insane spark? I was like, no, but it was just like this warm fire. It was like this glow that just like, the moment I met him, I was like,

this was the easiest thing I've ever done. Yeah. It was just like, and it's peaceful. And I just like, you know, we're almost like a year now and I'm just like, we, I don't even know how to explain it. It's just like the deepest love I've ever known. It's so beautiful because and inspirational. Like I honestly, when you told me that story, I was so inspired because it just shows like

the whole energy shifting thing is so real and just like you have to be fully done with something first and actually feel it in your DNA as you were talking about earlier about like the cellular level. Yeah. Cellular level. You have to actually feel it in your DNA as we were talking about earlier about like the cellular level, cellular level, you have to actually feel it and not just say it like oh I'm over this person. You have to really fundamentally feel it in your fucking core in order to receive something new and better and you will be, I don't want to say like rewarded for it, but it's kind of true. It's like the universe is only gonna give you what you're ready for. And with me also, like I, it's inspirational

because I've spoken about this situation a little bit on the podcast, but there was someone I was in some sort of weird situationship dynamic with last year. And I still have those moments now where I'm like, is this person that evil, like crazy person that had brought out the worst in me, like I had experienced, but maybe he has this other side to him.

And you kind of go back and forth in your mind, like, should I have ended it? Should I reach out? Should I say something? Because there was no closure. I had zero closure. The closure was me saying never speak to me again and he never spoke to me again.

And you're like, that's not what I actually wanted. Well, he just, I said never speak to me again and he said, like he was like, okay, and that was it. Never spoke to him again. And that's fine because I do believe like everything truly happens for a reason and for my own divine protection. Like I know that, you know, the universe is guiding me and protecting me. Like I have good intentions, but it's that like what if that always lingers, especially with situation ships.

And that story really, it inspires me because like I'm like, I think I need that door slam shut too. Like it's still not fully, like I think it's almost there, but there's moments that I catch myself thinking about the what if. That was exactly what I was going through. Where I was like 90% convinced that I was like, I never want to see you again. But I think also if you're an optimistic person, if you're a sensitive person, if you're a romantic person, you always see the best in people and you always, it's almost like also if you're a problem solver, it's like, oh, hey, well, I can't be completely over him yet because I haven't quite squared or like found the

solution to this like open-ended question of like, could, could we have been? Yeah. What could have happened? And the thing is, I will say my story is this thing of like, I got the answer and it was exactly the answer that I needed to hear. I don't think that always happens. And sometimes you just need to give yourself the answer. And I think, I'm sure in another six months, I would have been able to find that. But it was just, I think they knew that Tom was, I don't know, I find our relationship has

made me really have a renewed belief in fate and the fact that like he just showed up. And like, even I think I told you this, like we met on Hinge. Yeah. I was in Bali, he was in Australia and he is from Wollongong, which is not where I'm from. I'm from like, I live in like inner city Sydney. Like I'm not going to say where. Like my address is.

This is my address. One. No, like I live in like, we live like an hour and a half away. We used to, he's moved to Sydney since, but we live quite a while away. We were not meant to have matched. Like, yeah, it was so Yeah. It was so random. You told me. Yeah.

I guess so. Like he was happened to be in Newtown that night that I downloaded Hinge again in Bali and my old algorithm, I just said where I lived. And my old algorithm, I just said where I lived. Yeah. But my old, I was just saying it's a big place, but like my old algorithm was like in Newtown. Oh, okay.

And so like, I thought, oh my God, you're going to die. I thought when you said that, you said like my algorithm, like your hinge algorithm. Yeah, like it was my hinge algorithm. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm saying that. So I'm confused. Oh, not my algorithm. It was like my old data. So like I had Hinge before and my data was like, okay, she's based in Newtown. But then I was like, obviously I was in, and so I changed

my location to Bali. But the one person who like got through was Tom. And so I matched with Tom. And then everyone else was in Bali and they were like really strange, like Russian men who were like holding huge bazookas. And I was like, I'm not, no, thanks. It's not my type. But yeah, anyhow, sorry. That's like a long-winded way of saying that it's made me believe in fate. And I don't think that we could have the relationship that we have now if I,

I actually think if I hadn't had contact with that person and been reminded of how terrible that relationship was, but also if I hadn't done the work beforehand, instead of just waiting for him to give me closure. I think I was, like you said, like 90% there and I just needed that last like kid. Like 10%. Yeah. Yeah, that's so fascinating. And I think not every, as you said, not everyone is able to receive that type of closure where

they're like, they run into that person and have that interaction and they're like wait I don't even like this person at all that's like a really big moment but I think even this story is closure for me like I think it's gonna help a lot of people because it's just it's the whole message of it like just saying like the fantasy of what you're building in someone and you're hanging on to this potential of hope and what could have been like 99% of the time, it's not really what you think it would have been. Oh my God. You know, like you're making a story in your head of what you thought it could

have been, but it wouldn't have been that. And you probably wouldn't have been happy. And there is something better waiting for you. You just have to actually be open to receiving it and fully close the door, not, you know, close it three quarters of the way. I think I am pretty good at detaching myself from situations and letting go in the sense of, that person's no longer in my life, I've said goodbye,

I've said this is not gonna work, and I'm really good at that side of things. But energetically, it's different to fully be done versus just saying you're done and leaving physically. It's an energy thing internally. It's not just physically being like, all right, I'm never seeing this person again. This person is no longer in my life. It's fundamentally being at peace with that and being like, this is it.

I'm ready for something better. I deserve more. And to have that switch flipped on in your brain is like the key to receiving exactly what you actually want. But it's like, it's a healing process and it takes time and patience. And I think, you know, it's not always an overnight thing. Like as you said, it was six months where you had to really just focus on yourself. So. Well, yeah. And that was like the best thing I ever did. And I just think also back to that door metaphor, because we love our metaphors. If they knock, that's also the thing of like, don't let them in.

Like the door needs to be closed, but you have to like, I literally am like, great. Well, I want literally nothing to do with you anymore. Yeah. And it's so funny because he still like watches my Instagram stories all the fucking time. Yeah. And I'm like, I feel bad for you because like I'm just, yeah, I'm so not in your orbit anymore. Yeah.

And you're not allowing him in your space at all. Yeah, I have no interest in it. I literally- That's funny. Don't even think about him. I'm like, okay, bye. And it's like the best thing I ever did. Wow. Yeah. I hope it inspires someone to block their acts. Yeah, no, I always say

like also just allowing someone in your energetic field, that's like a big thing that I've said a lot on the podcast, is even if you're like looking for them to watch your story or like you're actively like looking for them to watch your story or you're actively waiting for them to acknowledge you in any capacity, that's still allowing them to take over your energetic field. You have to be willing to be like, they're not even existent in my energetic space anymore. And that's when new, better things come into your energetic field.

Because if you're still allowing that person in your orbit, it is repelling other better things from coming in. Like it really is. It's like a, I know it sounds like maybe a little spiritual like woo woo for people, but it's never been proven wrong. Like in my life, anytime I fully, fully, fully been done, something replaces that thing. Well, it's because you have, okay, I'm going to bring the science in here.

Yeah. Because so much of this stuff is like real. You have finite mental resources, right? Like your brain cannot. Just like we all have a limit and a threshold for how much information we can process. Having someone in your life who is taking up that much space in your brain is taking up mental resources that you could be using elsewhere. And when they exit, when you remove them, it is just genuinely the thing of like, you have more things to think about. There's this whole like empty space in your brain for someone else to come into.

Yeah. The relational path, the relational space. It's like you can't have, it's the same reason why people can't have beyond 20, 30 close friends because there's just no room in your mind. And it's the same thing with partners. You cannot have someone taking up so much space in your mind and expect someone else to be able to fit in. Yeah.

It just doesn't work that way. And it also, it kind of is like the whole thing around manifesting because a lot of people message me all the time. They're like, how do I manifest someone, like my soulmate, how do I manifest someone better? And I'm like, are you living as if that person's already in your life or are you holding on to something that you shouldn't be holding on to? Like, cause you can't manifest anything

if you're holding onto baggage. Like if you're holding onto your ex, you're not gonna meet your soulmate if you're constantly still worrying about what your ex is doing with their new person or, you know, watching your Instagram stories or still messaging you, whatever it is, you're not making that energetic space. You're not going to manifest shit.

You're not going to manifest your soulmate when you're still clinging on. And I think part of the reason why I've been in back to back relationships, cause I mean, it's a blessing and a curse in a way. Cause like, I don't think I took enough time to heal through in the in-between, but... You are now. Yeah, I am a totally different person now. But back in the day, when I was, like, dating, I was in three serious back-to-back relationships. And I think the reason why I was so easily able to find someone else right after the other partner

was because I was energetically already done. I was, like, already in a headspace where I was already like alone and single and free and happy and I was like detached from like the emotions associated with like the loss. Like I was already past that point because sometimes when you're in a long relationship, all my relationships have been years long, towards the end if you know it's ending, you've kind of grieved it before it's ended. So like, I would, in my eight year relationship that was on and off, I had grieved it already,

like years before it ended. And by the end, when we like really stopped talking, I found someone else a week later because I had already been like so energetically removed from it. And I think that's when people can come into your life. People always ask me, how do you find people? And I'm like, it's just when you're not looking

and you're so energetically open and you're not holding onto shit. That's when it happens. And you're not chasing the wrong people because you're just not expecting it. So your behavior is matching your unconscious belief and your unconscious attitude. Yeah.

Wow. Okay. So with that being said, that was a very long episode. This is the longest episode I'm posting to date and I'm so excited about it. I think it was amazing as usual. We could talk forever and ever and ever and I love recording with you. I hope you guys took some amazing value out of today's episode. If you haven't already, be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify would mean the world to me and be sure to follow

Gemma on all of her socials. I'll let you. Yeah, at that psychology podcast or at Gemma's back. Also, can I just say this is like our fifth episode together. Yeah. So if you liked this episode, I think I have to, oh no, I think it's our fourth. But I have to, with you on it, you have another one. Go and binge listen because you can track our whole growth as two people. From when I was single, you were in a relationship. And then, yeah, the reverse. Wow, that's so crazy. I was thinking about it when I was on the way.

The first episode we recorded, I was living in Miami. Yeah, I know. And I was still in Canberra was on the way. The first episode we recorded, I was living in Miami. Yeah, I know. And I was still in Canberra. Wow. We've changed a lot. We've evolved so much since then. I'm a different person. You're 100% a different person for sure.

Yeah, go watch us grow. Yeah. Oh my god, amazing. Okay. Well, thank you guys for listening as always. And be sure to also message us on Instagram. We'd love to hear your feedback. It makes both of our days, I'm sure.

You probably get a ton of messages as well. Yeah, it's so nice. I love you. Thank you so much as always, and stay tuned for next Monday.