Date Yourself Instead - Going through a breakup? Here's the ultimate best friend pep talk

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

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Welcome to dateyourselfinstead. to sign up for the wait list and get your hoodie once they drop. Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. Today's episode I'm really going to be talking about what the point is of holding onto someone that doesn't want to be with you. What the point is of holding onto someone that doesn't want to be with you. What is the point of holding onto someone that doesn't care about you and doesn't give a fuck about you? And I don't mean to sound super harsh, but this is really how I talked to my friends, and I want to go into this conversation like you are my best friend. Like we are best friends and I'm giving you a major pep talk on why you shouldn't be

talking to this sky anymore. So here we go. The thing is, when you are holding on to someone that doesn't want you anymore, you are only doing yourself a disservice. You deserve someone that wants to give you the entire world. You deserve someone that literally puts you on a pedestal and makes you feel alive and makes you feel like the best fucking version of yourself. You deserve someone that literally wants to do anything and everything to make something work with you.

So if you're not getting that from this person that you're currently seeing and you're literally crying yourself to sleep every single night, then what the fuck is the point? I always look at it like this. Life is so fucking short. It is so short. And we only have so much time left on this planet to fulfill our goals, to fulfill our dreams, to do what we want, to be happy, to be free, to be our true selves, to step into our power and create our own identity for ourselves. And here we are getting so hung up and caught up over a guy that doesn't really give a shit about what we're doing. It really is so crazy when you really put into perspective.

And I always have this mentality now when I go into a new relationship or I'm dating someone new, I'm getting to know someone is, are you going to value me in the same way I value myself? Are you going to love me in the same way I love myself? Because you want to be with a partner same way I love myself? Because you want to be with a partner, whether it's a friendship or a relationship, you want to be surrounded by people who really fucking care about you and who want to see your best interests and who aren't jealous and envious of you and who want to see you thrive and become the best

version of yourself. Because that's what you deserve. And if you're settling for people who don't want what's best for you, who are toxic for you, who constantly drain your energy, and really don't give a shit about you, you are doing yourself a major disservice. So I just wanted to preface this episode by giving you a little pep talk and just saying, fuck them. Fuck the people who don't appreciate you and value you, because you're really special, you're unique, you know you were born into this life to do something really special and different, and the people who are holding you down and weighing you down

and making you feel like you're constantly not enough, whether it's a boyfriend or girlfriend or a significant other or a friendship or a parent or a boss, any of these situations can apply. You deserve better. other or a friendship or a parent or a boss, any of these situations can apply. You deserve better. You deserve someone who makes you feel amazing

and who makes you feel good. And obviously you can also be that person for yourself. It's so important to show up for yourself every single day to become the best version of yourself. You need to love yourself and you need to show up for yourself every day. That's a given. But when you are around toxic people

and when you are around people who don't support you and who you are, it can be very draining. And as much work as I've done on myself and as much time I've spent loving myself and learning more about who I am, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's really difficult to be around really negative people. It is really hard, even as a positive person, someone who's, you know, trying to see the

optimistic side of everything and see the glass have full all the time. It is really hard to be around people who see the glass have empty. And if you're surrounded by those people on a daily basis, it can really drain you. And it is sometimes really hard to avoid, especially if you're in a work environment, and these are your coworkers, or this is your boss. It could be really, really challenging, but for now, all you can do is focus on surrounding yourself with amazing people.

If you have to balance it out and you come home from work and you're really stressed, either surround yourself with good people that you know that are going to lift you up again or talk to a friend that you're really close with that that does support you and does support your dreams and does support who you are and make you a better person or listen to a really positive podcast or motivational podcast or what I do when I was going through this really difficult time and I felt like I really had no one supporting me. I would go on YouTube and just watch YouTubers that talked about self-love and self-help and motivation and all those things.

And even when I was going through a really bad breakup and I felt like I had no one to talk to and I didn't want to be a burden on other people because I used to always talk about my breakup with my friends and get really sad and depressed. And I felt I was that friend like weighing down on them. I shifted my energy and I started watching YouTube videos on how to deal with my emotions better and how to maintain a positive attitude. And I started reading books on how to literally change

the programming of your brain to think better thoughts. And all of these things actually really did help me a lot. And it just made me feel stronger and more confident, more secure. And now, when I am surrounded by toxic situations or toxic people, I'm able to kind of deflect the energy and not absorb it as much, which is really cool because I never used to be able to do that. People's energy used to affect me on a whole new level,

whether good or bad, I would absorb left and right like a fucking sponge. And over time, as I learned to heal myself and become more secure in myself by listening to these motivational podcasts and reading these motivational books and doing my research on how to build my character and become a stronger,

more secure individual. I ended up learning so much and absorbing all this information and taking it with me. And now when I am surrounded by really negative situations and people, I've learned how to ground myself and kind of repel the energy. So if someone's telling me that I'm ugly, which has happened before, especially on social media, I get bullied all the time about my looks, I've had a block of you people not gonna lie, like I'm not gonna say doesn't affect me, but it doesn't affect me as much because now

when I read a comment like that, I'm like, oh, you look like a man or something like really, like, I mean, not that that's a bad thing, like I think men are beautiful, but a woman does not really necessarily want to hear that. So when I read a comment like that, I'm like, all right, you know what, I'm gonna block you and also just block your energy

because I don't need that in my life. I know I'm beautiful, I know my soul is beautiful. If you don't think I'm physically attractive, I know that I'm, you know, attractive on think I'm physically attractive, I know that I'm attractive on the inside because I am a good person and I really care about other people. And I think beauty radiates from within. I don't think that's just an expression.

I really do see everyone for who they are in their soul. And I think it's such a beautiful thing when you see the world like that and you see other humans like that. But not everyone is at that level of consciousness to be like that, I guess. So if you're reading something really negative about yourself or someone tells you something that you don't want to hear, work on creating this magnetic field around you to block out all of that hate and all of that energy. It's as if there's like this golden orb around you at all times protecting you and giving you as much love as you possibly need to stay protected and you don't

need to fall into the trap of negativity and listening to these crazy people talk their ship. I was in a relationship for a while where it got very verbally abusive and I just wanted to give my experience on that and kind of dive a little deeper into that and tell you my experience with dealing with that and how I dealt with it and how I healed from it and how I grew and like learned from it. I was dating someone that would gaslight the shit out of me. He would find every single reason why I was constantly wrong, even though he would go out and hook up with a bunch of girls behind

my back. And I knew I couldn't prove it, but I just knew a woman's intuition is always spot on. Okay. And my intuition is sharp. It is even as I get older and the more I go through and the more I experience my intuition has only gotten stronger. So I would get these like nauseous waves that would like come over me in the middle of the night. He'd be like, oh, I'm going out with the boys this weekend. And I'm like, okay, whatever. And I would be in bed drinking a tea and I would just start feeling like violently ill. My stomach would just form and not. And I felt like I was going to puke. And I just knew that he was lying to me. I knew he was with other women.

I knew he was out partying and getting fucked up on drugs. He told me he's never touched a drug in his life, but that was a whole other story. I knew he was taking a ton of drugs. And it just didn't make me feel so good. It made me lose a lot of confidence in myself because he would come back at me after I would basically confront him about

like the things that I knew he was doing. And I saw what he was doing online. He would have these other accounts, his friends accounts would post him, and he wouldn't post anything, but I think I was hidden from his story, but I just knew. Okay. And I just felt so betrayed and so lied to all the time. And he would always make a point to say that I was a fucking crazy psychopath.

He would be like, you're fucking crazy. You don't know what you're talking about. This is the reason all your other ex-boyfriends didn't wanna be with you. He would say these ridiculous things to me where I was like, my other ex-boyfriends did not even do any of these things. Like, I don't know what that even means.

And he would make me feel so invalidated and so crazy. And it became such a toxic situation because I was always stressed out about what he was doing, what he was up to. My trust issues were through the roof. And I just felt so on edge at all times. I felt like actually physically sick. And I know a lot of women actually go through this.

After sharing a little bits and pieces of my story and my life, especially on the podcast, I've been hearing so much feedback and like getting a lot of DMs from you guys saying, yeah, I went through the same exact thing. And it's so crazy to hear like other people actually go through this. And it's just, it really is insane because when you're in a relationship that's super toxic, you can't really see that much going on outside of you. You only see what you're inside of. So I'll try to explain that a little better.

When you're so deep into a relationship and you are in love with someone, your blinders are on. It's like Rose-colored glasses type of thing where everything is so foggy and so this girl actually messaged me yesterday. She was like, I felt hypnotized in my relationship because it was so toxic and I couldn't break up with him for some reason. And I was like, I felt hypnotized in my relationship because it was so toxic and I couldn't break up with him for some reason. And I was like, that is an amazing way to put it.

Like you feel almost hypnotized because you're so deep in the relationship already and you care so much about this person that you don't wanna believe that they're actually a shitty person. You really have convinced yourself otherwise. Even though they're doing all these fucked up things and they're making you feel terrible

and gaslighting you 24-7, you still have these like blinders on these goggles that are like preventing you from really revealing the truth and also just saying, I need to get the fuck out of this, I need to leave because you want to leave so bad like and you're subconscious is screaming at you like girl you're right like you're so right and this person is like fucking up your life and you need to go but your heart is literally still attached to them and you're still so invested in their relationship in the relationship in general that you can't seem to pull yourself out of it and I have been there so many times I've been in situations like this not necessarily always serious relationships but evenhips where I was getting to know a guy and we were dating for like two, three months, and then these goggles would be on where I would see them in the best

light because they would portray this picture of them, oh, I could never do anything wrong, you're wrong, and would make me feel so fucking crazy. When in reality, I didn't realize that's what gaslighting was at the time because I was unfamiliar with that term. And I just didn't know what I was getting myself into. I just thought that maybe I was wrong. They were so good at convincing me that I was wrong, that I started to believe that I was always wrong,

if that makes sense. And it happens all the time. If you're feeling like your gut is telling you something's off, it usually is. And I speak about this in the first episode of the podcast. Your intuition is always usually right. Sometimes it can be wrong. I have been wrong before and I'm good at admitting when I'm wrong.

It's not like I always think I'm misperfect and I really don't. I really believe that it's easy for me to admit when I'm clearly in the wrong. But when someone has the power to convince you that you're wrong all the fucking time and that you're a crazy psychobitch, it's pretty impressive. Like looking back, I'm like, wow, I can't believe I actually fell for that one because I was just trying to love you. I was just trying to care for you and show you my way of loving you. And I was trying to be a good girlfriend or a good partner and you would throw it in my face.

Everyone has different love languages. Everyone has different ways of communicating and loving their partner. But when it comes to that level of toxicity, where that person's literally making you feel like you have a mental problem all the time. It's really serious and it's really easy to fall into that cycle and that trap of feeling like you're not enough in a relationship and you're doing everything wrong.

So I just think it's a really interesting experience that a lot of women go through, but a lot of men also go through it too. And I wanted to also touch on this because I was replaying my podcast and I was going through my Instagram. And I know that my content and my TikTok as well, Cater's to Women, okay. I have a very strong female demographic. I think it's like 95% women.

And there's this 5% of men on my Instagram and my TikTok that also engage in my content. And like the men are really respectful and I think they understand where us as women are coming from when we talk in a way where we're like really hurt or frustrated, there is really supportive men out there that are really secure. They'll message me and be like, I respect your content so much

because I understand women go through a lot, but I just wanna let you know that men also experience the same exact things. And I wanted to touch on this a little bit because I totally get that. I know that it's not just women. It's not just women that are victims of verbal abuse and physical abuse and emotional abuse.

Of course, I know men who have experienced this as well and it totally goes both ways. And I just wanted to clear that up because I'm very self-aware and I'm very aware that men experience the same hardships that women do. And sometimes it could be even worse. Like some of the stories that men have DM me, I was like, my mouth was like on the floor.

Like my jaw dropped. This is so sad. And I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. There was one guy that messaged me that told me that his girlfriend kept cheating on him and then gaslighting him into believing that he was crazy. And he's like, I just want to let you know that it does go both ways. And I really appreciate your content and what you're doing because it does help men as well. And I was like, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry that you're currently experiencing that and going through that. And I know that it

goes both ways. And I really hope that you find an amazing woman because you deserve it. And he was basically just telling me that that was his first time experiencing something like that before. And he was just sharing his story with me. And I really appreciated that because I know that it could be on both sides.

And both men and women are capable of gaslighting each other. I'm not perfect. I've gaslighted my partners as well, but I think a lot of it is also being self-aware and knowing when you're doing something wrong, as I said, I can admit when I'm doing something wrong. And if someone calls me out and if my partner says to me, you know, I really didn't appreciate that.

I'm open to listening and hearing them out and not throwing it back in their face. There's a way that you can handle things if you are not doing the right thing in a relationship and your partners frustrated with you. There's a way to go about handling that. But by throwing it back in their face and making them feel like something's terribly wrong

with them at all times, that's not okay. And if you're currently experiencing this or going through something like this, I know the pain, I know how it feels, and it's not fun. But tying this back to what I had said in the beginning of the episode, just learning how to repel the toxic energy and creating this like golden light around you to really

protect you and make you feel safe, it really has helped me mentally. I just feel when I am in situations where I feel like someone's trying to emotionally manipulate me now, I have this guard up where I'm like, okay, this is what's happening right now. And if you want to stay in touch with this person, if you still want this person in your life, that's up to you. But just be aware of what's happening. Don't be blinded to it. Don't have these goggles on. It ripped the goggles off because this person is doing something to you that you're not okay with and you're not comfortable with. And if you're aware of that and then you take the steps on how to deal with it and you

talk through it with that person and you communicate what you're feeling to that person and you can work it out and you can like work on things, that's great. And that's a positive thing. And you can improve your relationship that way. But sometimes there are relationships that can be so toxic that you get stuck and you feel like you're in quicksand where you're just immediately. Once you step in, it's really hard to get out. And I'm guilty of this as well.

We're like, I know something's bad for me, but I just keep sliding deeper and deeper in. And once you're so far in because your heart's so in it and you're so attached to this person and you've built all these memories together and you've done all these things together and you've really gotten to know each other, it makes it so hard to see them in a negative light

where you could actually leave the relationship because you wanna believe that they're actually not the way that they are. And they'll tell you that they're not like that. Like if you say, you know what, I don't appreciate you talking to me like that every single day and yelling at me and screaming at me. And they're just like, oh, well, it's because you did this. It's because you did that and make all these reasons for why they're abusive towards you.

It's so hard to see that that's a form of manipulation. And you don't want to believe that they're actually doing anything wrong because you love them. Also, it's a reminder to be aware. It's a reminder to just know what type of relationship you're dealing with and know yourself and know that you deserve the world and you deserve so much happiness and love and you deserve to be at peace in your relationships and you deserve someone that makes you feel at ease.

And if you are upset and you do have an issue, they're willing to talk it out in a really mature, respectful way and they're not gonna throw it at you in your face and make you feel crazy. You deserve those things because those are healthy experiences and a relationship. If you are going through a hard time, being able to talk through it and in a calm way and not screaming at each other and yelling at each other

and pointing fingers, it's so important to just be aware of these things. And if you're going through something like this right now with a partner, it's so important to just be aware of these things. And if you're going through something like this right now with a partner, it's not to say your relationship is doomed and you cannot be together. It's just a matter of being aware of it and taking the steps to improve it and make it healthier and make it a healthier environment for both of you so you could have a successful relationship. But anyways, I really hope this helped a little bit. I hope if any of you

are currently experiencing anything we talked about today, feel free to send me a message on Instagram. I talk about this stuff a lot on my TikTok as well. I hope everyone is having an amazing day. I'm really excited to keep posting these episodes. I've been having so much fun with it and it's such a passion of mine to be able to connect with all of you. So, yeah, stay tuned for future episodes and thank you so much for listening.