Date Yourself Instead - How to detach and let go of the outcome in relationships

Episode Date: May 5, 2024

The only episode on detachment you'll ever need to understand HOW and what it really means to let go. In this episode I dive into this concept of truly detaching from any situation in order to heal and evolve into your higher self. JOIN THE DARE TO DETACH MASTERCLASS USE CODE "MANIFEST" FOR A SPECIAL DISCOUNT. If you enjoyed this episode, dm me on instagram @dateyourselfinstead or @lyss.

Mastering detachment is the ultimate hack to your dream life. Detachment is this concept of removing your emotions from a situation and seeing it logically. It's experiencing your feelings without allowing them to dictate your day-to-day or debilitate you or control you. I found a really useful description of detachment while I was doing research for this episode. It's by this company called The Mind Journal, and it says,

detachment is when we're able to take a step back and look at things objectively. We let go and accept what we cannot change. We detach from others' choices, knowing that their spiritual work is not ours to do, but it's theirs to do. We choose how we will act rather than just simply reacting. And we step away from harmful patterns and situations and really are able to look at things more objectively overall. When we detach, we can listen without losing ourselves and sacrificing who we are at our core, which is just a soul

filled with love. When we detach, we can see with the eyes of love and not fear, and I've said this many times on my podcast, especially in the Send Them Love Anyways episode, which is one of my favorites. And I'll say it again, when you live life through the eyes of love and not fear, nothing is going to shake you or rattle you, especially the really small things. But as you practice detachment, even those bigger things will seem way less intimidating because you're able to see things more objectively.

You're able to come from a place of peace and ease knowing that you are practicing this idea of non-attachment. You're not expecting any sort of outcome and you're trusting the process of your life and what's truly meant to be. It's so easy to get caught up in drama. It's easy to get caught up in situationships. It's easy to get caught up in people that don't make you feel valued, people who aren't making you feel great. And you get addicted to the highs and lows of specific dynamics that feel toxic. You

know that the situations just aren't right for you. And because of this hot and cold cycle, it causes this almost chemical like addiction in your brain where you're so attached because you're trying to figure out the outcome. You're clinging on to what it could be. You're clinging on to the potential of this person and how amazing they could be for you. And if the relationship does progress and it does go the way as planned,

it would be a waste not to try and put more energy and effort into it, right? So you cling on and latch onto the potential. It's a very common situation. It happens to the best of us. And it happens in a lot of areas of life for people, not just romantic relationships, but it could be a career that you're so attached to that you've been working at for 10 years and you can't seem to see the bigger picture. You're like, I've been doing this for my whole life. It's basically my identity now. How am I going to just let go and forget about this

and create a brand new life for myself? It could be friendships or family members. If you're in a toxic situation in your family environment, your parents, maybe they're more controlling. They don't allow you to do certain things. They try to make you see things from one perspective while you have a totally different perspective. I've heard crazy stories about people having relationship issues with their parents and it's stunted them from

growing and their ability to really succeed. And I'm making this episode about detachment for all types of situations. I want you to be able to come to this episode anytime you feel like you've become really attached or obsessive with a specific situation and you can't seem to figure out how to remove yourself and move on to a different option or move on to something better. If you really master the art of detachment, which is really taking a step back and looking through the lens of love and knowing that this is just a moment in time, life gets so much easier. If you learn how to make it a practice, it gets so much easier to make better decisions for yourself and to see the bigger picture for yourself. And it will let you live life fully without getting so swept up in constant negative emotion, which can lead to attracting more negative experiences into your life.

When you get so attached, it also creates a lot of resistance. You could ultimately be blocking yourself so much by being attached to specific things and not allowing the good stuff in to come into your life. So how do you really detach? The key is to understand that you are in control of your own reality. That is what you can control. You can't control anyone else's actions.

You can't control their minds and what they do, but you know what you can control? Your own thoughts and your mind. You can control your thoughts, which in turn will have people react and respond differently to you. But sometimes we feel like we don't have that power and we end up giving our power away to the other person or we give our power away to the situation and we hand

the reins over to them and we feel a loss of control. And when you feel a loss of control because you've handed your power away, it feels like your reality could be spinning out of control. Things are getting worse. People are leaving us, friends are dropping off, maybe you get fired and you're like, that wasn't their control, not mine. But the truth is you are creating your reality through your mind, whether you choose to believe that or not. And this is going to tie into the practice of detachment.

So everyone has an entirely different version of reality. The way you perceive the world is very different from the way your parents perceive the world, The way you perceive the world is way different than how your best friends do or strangers do. The barista that works at Starbucks that sees his reality very differently from you, where you work at your job and you're waking up every day and you have a specific routine and you're expecting certain outcomes. Your reality is probably the polar opposite of a lot of people you know. Your boss sees your reality very differently from you, your friends and family,

anyone, think about it, they're perceiving their reality entirely differently from yours. And that is because of past experiences, childhood memories, environmental influences, you've all had that greatly differ because everyone's been raised differently, everyone's had different life paths, everyone's been in different places and scenarios and been thrown into different relationships and those factors will ultimately affect your programming and how you see your version of reality.

Now, this is also why I have my Masterclass Stare to Detach because it's designed to help break blocks in your subconscious and reprogram your brain to create a new reality that you actually want. And it helps with the process of letting go and detaching to create a new reality. So if you're feeling like you're super attached to someone or something and it's prohibiting you from creating a new timeline for yourself, that is what Dare to Detach is designed for. And you could always visit the link in my show notes or on my Instagram at dare to detach for more info if you're looking to completely transform your life and reprogram your mind to attract bigger

and better opportunities. So with all of that being said, that was just the preface to what I'm about to get into because I wanna really explain how you detach now. Once you understand that you are in control of your own thoughts, which create your reality around you, that is how you're going to master the art of detachment. Understanding that if you have the ability to attach to this thing or person in the first place, you also have the ability to detach from them because you are in control of your

thoughts. Allowing someone to be who they are and not trying to fix them or control them is usually where our biggest problems lie, right? Because when you get fixated on someone or something and you get attached to a specific outcome with that person and you get very heavily emotionally invested, that is where things start to go wrong because you're handing your power over to them energetically as well as trying to mold them into someone that they're not.

Because once again, you have to go back to this concept, everyone has their own version of reality and has their free will and choice to make their own decisions. So if you're trying to control someone else and you're not allowing them to be who they truly are in the situation that you're in with them, that is never going to end well. That's never going to give you the result you want. You cannot force someone to see your worth. You cannot force someone to be with you. So if you're trying to push someone to see things your way from your perspective or force someone into a relationship or force someone to commit to you, that is never going to end well because you are clinging onto something and pushing that person further away because they have their own version of reality and you cannot

convince someone into your version of reality. The key is to accept and allow people to be who they are, and the only person you should be trying to control and heal is yourself. In turn, those people will change based on you changing your internal state. You have to change your internal state about the situation or about this person, or about this career, or about this friendship in order for everything in your external to change. So for example, instead of trying to get someone to treat you better

and commit to you, you have to commit to yourself and treat yourself better. You can't force someone to be with you and treat you right because that's never going to work. But what you can do is look within and create a deeper sense of self-love and commitment to yourself. And in turn, that person's going to energetically feel that shift within you

and respect you more and value you more because everything in life is your mirror. And one of two things will happen, okay? It's either that person will continue to transform based on your self-transformation and you're going to end up happy with that person because you've done the inner work to heal more, or you're going to vibrationally align yourself with someone that's even better for you. I'm also really giving you guys a preview of my masterclass here. Dare to Detach is the power move this spring into summer. If you really are looking to transform your reality, reprogram your mind, truly detach an

up level, I would not steer you wrong. It is a course that is designed for my podcast listeners. I created it with all of you in mind and it is the number one course I would say if you are really coming out of a really toxic situation, you're attached to specific outcomes, you're clinging on to the past memories of someone, you keep replaying the breakup in your mind, or you're attached to a specific lifestyle that you had, maybe you're going through really big life transitions and you just need a way to kick off a brand new reality for yourself.

And you don't know where to start because you're like, there's so many meditations out there, there's so many different programs out there. I created this course specifically for you. Anyways, a lot of this episode ties into what I cover in the master class, and that's why I keep bringing it up because I'm giving you guys pretty much the free overall preview. Another thing about detachment, it also comes down to trusting and having unwavering faith that what you want and what you're meant for will never pass you by. And by fundamentally believing that,

you're not going to get overly attached to anything because you're in a state of peace, you're in a state of acceptance, you're in a state of feeling, I am where I am right now, I'm grateful, I trust that what's meant to be will be. And when you trust, you feel free because you're not attached to a specific ending, you're not attached to a specific end result. And you're trusting that what's meant for you is going to happen regardless. So there might be a bumpy journey along the way. You might go through ups and downs. You might have doubts.

You might feel scared or confused because right now maybe you're going through something where you don't know what direction your life is headed in. But if you're trusting that what's meant for you is always going to show up and what's meant for you is always going to show up and what's meant for you will never actually pass you by, it creates this vibrational state of ease and acceptance where you could just enjoy where you're at now.

And I like to think of detachment as almost like this feeling of trust where you're so unattached to a specific end result, that you're in this state of relaxation, peace. You're waking up every day and being like, oh, okay. Even though this is happening right now and it might not be the best place I've been in in my life, I'm trusting that everything is divine protection

and everything happens at divine timing and everything's happening for a reason. And everything is happening for me and not to hurt me, or it's not happening for a bad reason, even if it feels shitty right now, the end result is going to be beautiful and magical and I have to go through this transformation in order to get there. Being overly attached often comes from a place of insecurity and need and desperation, and those energy states are not going to get you very far. Everything is energy. And I cannot emphasize this enough. Everything on this planet

is energy. You are energy. Everyone else around you is energy. And everything has a vibration. So if you're vibrating at a place of desperation and insecurity all the time, the universe knows and feels that. And it's going to respond how you feel about yourself internally. It responds to your internal state. So once again, if you're desperately clinging to something or someone, you are pushing it further and further away. You're creating so much tension, so much resistance, and it's not going to give you the results you are looking for.

If you are hanging on to a specific relationship, if you're hanging on to a specific career, if you're clinging on to anything that is no longer serving your highest good, you are attaching and therefore you're not allowing your manifestations to come in, you're not allowing your reality to shift, you're not allowing yourself to grow and evolve because you're keeping yourself stuck by clinging onto something that's not right for you. You also have to understand that energy changes at all times.

So what's happening now doesn't mean that it's going to be happening in two years from now. And in order to change your reality and change the energy around your circumstances, you have to change your mind. And I'm going to say this over and over again until it becomes so ingrained in you because it is the key to living a really happy and successful life. It is the key to manifesting everything you've ever wanted. You have to change your thoughts on what you're consuming and what you're thinking about on a daily basis. And even if you're holding onto a relationship subconsciously, it doesn't have to be physical like, oh, I'm next to this person and I'm dating them If you're still thinking about someone every day if you're still talking about them to people every day You are still energetically tied to that person whether you want to believe it or not You are still mentally clinging on to it

And if you're energetically still in that relationship from a year ago, you're still caught up in what they're doing You're still watching their Instagram stories and stalking them from a fake account The universe fucking knows. So you have to be honest with yourself and very authentic and say, is my energy scattered? Am I one foot in to my future and one foot out? Am I splitting my energy? Am I really truly diving into the unknown or do I have half of my brain stuck in the past on my past memories, past trauma, past relationships? The universe knows and responds. So if you're sending mixed energy out there and you're still caught up in the past, it's often not going to deliver you anything so much better

because you're wavering. You're still living with that past version of you. And in order to get to a higher version of you and detach and let go, you have to be willing to fully, completely, energetically cut ties with your past. The more we attach, the more we tend to suffer because we're not allowing ourselves to be our authentic, true, rawest soul self, which is free.

And freedom is absolutely everything our soul craves. Freedom craves detachment because in our purest form, everything is love and love has no bounds or limits. And we're not going to try to control the external around us when we're in a state of true self-love and peace and happiness. You don't need someone else's love, right? Because love is an energy source

that you can get from yourself. And I was just talking about this this morning actually about how I always associated love from my past with this idea of being controlled because a lot of my relationships, it was always about controlling what is this person doing? What are they up to? Who are they with right now? Where are they going? And even just now I was talking to someone where sidetracking me from recording this, because I got in a little argument with someone and I was trying to control the situation

instead of just being like, okay, I have to remove myself right now and I can't control what's happening. And that creates so much inner resistance and it creates this feeling of blockage in your body. You cannot truly be free if you're trying to control shit all the time. You cannot truly allow yourself to live in your purest love state when you are trying to constantly harp on what someone else is doing with their own life.

The only thing you can really control is your inner state. And then when you start chasing someone down for their affection or. And then when you start chasing someone down for their affection or their attention, when you start trying to force things in relationships or you start getting possessive or needy or clingy or that person starts getting possessive or needy or clingy, it doesn't become enjoyable anymore. It's not love, it's control, right?

Because it's this feeling of suffocation almost like, oh my God, if I do this, this person has to know about it all the time. Or if they do this, I need to know about it. And it creates this inner tension that doesn't feel really aligned with your soul's purpose, which is once again to be free. Because at the end of the day,

you are allowed to do what you want. You are allowed to live the life of your dreams. And if you have someone in your life that's making you feel like you can't, you have to really question if that's the right situation for you because you're not allowing yourself to be in your purest, highest vibe state.

If you're changing yourself or being controlled by an external force, you're not really living to your highest potential, right? So for me, just thinking about that and then thinking about today's episode, it was so fascinating because literally right before this, I had a situation that was testing me and it distracted me. It pulled me away from this idea of being non-attached. I was like panicking for a second.

I was like, oh my God, I need to figure out what this person's doing. I was getting into a fight with them and I was like, you know what? My whole episode is about detachment and I have to stay true to it and focus. It was almost like a sign that today's episode was centered around this because I really needed it. I needed it as a reminder that control is not love, or loving someone is not about control. It's about allowing them to do what they want and accepting them as they are.

And if you don't accept someone as they are, then maybe they're not the right person for you. And if someone doesn't accept you as you are, maybe they're not the right person for you. So yeah. There was a situation where I wouldn't allow myself to fully close the door on one of my exes, even though we were in no contact for many months.

We were not physically together. I never saw him. We weren't speaking. There was no actual contact, okay? But my subconscious was storing a lot of old past shit. My subconscious was storing all these past memories, comparing him to other guys that I was dating and wiring everything centered around my past. It was just my brain was so wired and conditioned to believe, oh, maybe we will

get back together one day down the road. There was always this door that was like slightly cracked open, this door of like potential, of hope for the future. And whether I realized it or not, I was so attached still. I was so mentally and energetically attached, and I was subconsciously blocking myself from truly opening new doors for myself and moving on because my mind was still in the past. And even though I wasn't speaking to this person,

even though he wasn't actually physically in my life anymore, it felt like he was still in my life and in my energy field because he was in my mind. And your brain doesn't know the difference between a solid intense memory and actual physical reality. Your brain is only responding to how you feel. So if you feel like that person is still energetically a part of your life, regardless if you're in contact, regardless if you're physically with them or dating, they're still a part of your life. Your brain does not know the difference. And when I finally snapped out of it and said, I don't want to live like this in the past anymore,

it's blocking me energetically from creating a new future for myself. I'm still attached to the memories of this person. It's blocking me and it's blocking my future. I need to detach completely, which means I'm not looking back at all of these things. I'm not looking back at all of these things. I'm not looking back at all of our memories. Once I made that conscious choice and I was like, I'm detaching for real this time. It's happening. I am completely letting go and surrendering.

Crazy things started happening. All of these things that I had wanted to manifest for a very long time happened within two weeks after making that decision. All of these people started coming out of the woodworks, texting me, old people I haven't spoken to in years, blowing up my phone, getting DMs from people that had listened to my podcast. I started meeting new people, I started making new friends.

I feel like I had completely up-leveled my reality in such a short window of time because I had finally made that conscious decision to fully let go and unblock myself and immerse myself in a new version of me where that person did not exist anymore. I had detached from him energetically and then the universe responded accordingly. There was also a recent job opportunity that I had wanted since also a recent job opportunity that I had wanted since 2020. And I was always trying so hard to make shit happen. I wanted it so badly. And I was thinking about it all the time.

And I remember I even wrote in my phone every day for two months that I wanted this specific thing. And I was so attached to it. I was clinging to it. I was literally waking up every day and I was like, I need this, I'm gonna get it. I'm on a mission to get it. And I was working my ass off, but it felt like nothing was happening or changing. And then once I actually chilled out about it for a second and I shifted my thought process and I ended up taking an entirely different approach

to my career, which is my podcast, the opportunity finally showed up and I didn't even want it anymore because I had detached so much from what I thought I wanted and I was redirected and guided into something even better. And that's the beauty of detachment too, because you're guided into what's best for you and it's not always about what you want, it's about what you need and the universe knows what you need and the universe knows what you need. So I had tried manifesting this job opportunity for literally years. And when it finally showed up, I just didn't want it anymore. I was in a place of peace and I was like,

I don't really need this in my life anymore. It was something that I thought I wanted years ago, but I'm in such a better mental state. I'm a totally different person now. And now that I'm actually being presented with this, I'm realizing it's not even for me. It's not what I actually thought I wanted. And it was actually really cool to see that happen and manifest regardless, because I realized

that everything truly is about energy and being prepared and ready to receive. And everything happens in divine timing. And I think a few years ago, if I had that opportunity when I wanted it, I would have taken it and it would have probably changed the entire projectory of my life. I wouldn't have the podcast,

I wouldn't have started a self-help brand. I probably would have taken a very weird direction with my career that wouldn't have made me happy. And I think it was guidance the whole time I was being divinely protected by not receiving what I actually wanted. I read this quote by someone named Karen Casey, which I really loved. And it says, detachment means not letting the behavior of others cause you to suffer. Detachment is making no one but yourself a project. Detachment is allowing

your life to be about you and not about everyone else. So I always say this too, if you listen to date yourself instead for a while, but why are you giving someone else power over you? You're really going to let someone you've known for three months dictate how you feel on a daily basis. Just because they didn't text you back, you're allowing them to control how you feel. That is no way to live. Why are you handing your power over to someone

and attaching your energy onto them when you barely fucking know them? The chances are you've been alive way longer than they have been a part of your life. You know yourself the best and you have to get back to you. Stop handing your power over to people who don't deserve it. Learn the process of detachment and understanding that what's meant for you will never pass you by. The people in your life that are meant to be there

will stay and work things out with you. You do not have to force, cling, beg, chase, or try to prove your worth to anyone. And with that being said, that is why I created Dare to Detach. For everyone listening to the podcast, it's just something that I put a lot of time into because it is designed to help you detach and break those blocks that have been keeping you stuck and have prevented you from fully living your best life. The beauty about learning the art of detachment is that it's a mindset of abundance

because you're trusting that what's meant to be will be for you and the universe has so many amazing ways of bringing you what you actually need. There's no need to control anything or anyone. Everything happens from within. And when you're in a place of trust, you know that what's meant for you is not going to pass you by. You have to keep reminding yourself of this. You are in control.

You make the rules of your own life. You create your own reality. And once you trust, that is what detachment is all about. I like to think of it like this. Detachment is pure and total freedom, and our souls at their core have the ultimate desire to be free. So you are living at your highest vibration when you detach. And you allow yourself to strip yourself of the physical 3D and envision your higher self that's not clinging onto toxic behaviors and people. Your higher self is just not doing that. And once you truly tap into that higher self version of you,

you'll understand that you don't need to put so much pressure onto the external. Everything comes from within and all you need to do is let go and the right people and situations will manifest accordingly. And with that being said, that concludes today's episode. If you haven't already, be sure to check out the Masterclass, Dare to Detach, doors open May 1st, 2024. I'm so excited. We have over 3,000 members and growing, and it's such an amazing, beautiful community. We love sharing our stories and supporting each other in our private group chat. It's probably

my favorite part of the masterclass. You can find more information in the show notes or you could go to the Instagram at dare to detach on May 1st. Doors open and if you haven't already, be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify and share it with a friend. It would be so greatly appreciated. I love you. Thank you as always for listening and stay tuned for next Monday.