Date Yourself Instead - How to detach, let go, and REALLY move on

Episode Date: January 2, 2023

Detaching is an art that can be very emotionally challenging. Becoming aware of what is NOT serving your growth then letting go of it can make you MAGNETIC. This episode lays out the steps to detach in a healthy way and how I have applied them to relationships in my life. If this is a part of your journey, go easy on yourself. Detaching can be such a beautiful thing! Connect with the Date Yourself Instead Movement: Website | Instagram Connect with Lyss: TikTok | Instagram | YouTube

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go to dateyourselfinstead.co and sign up to get your hoodie and make sure you join the date yourself instead crew. And the best part is we are shipping worldwide. I cannot wait for you to get yours. That's dateyourselfinstead.co to sign up for the wait list and get your hoodie once they drop. Welcome to dateyourselfinstead. to sign up for the wait list and get your hoodie once they drop. Hey everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. I'm currently in New York City. I just touched down from LA. I am so tired. I don't know if you could hear it in my voice, but I'm pretty sure I'm losing my voice right now. I'm so jet lagged. I slept literally all day yesterday, and now I'm in the studio. It's 30 degrees in New York. For those of you who don't follow the Fahrenheit system, that's like, below zero Celsius, I think. I don't know why I just said that.

See, I'm being so awkward right now. I'm just so out of it. I just ordered a tea and I'm warming up. Excuse me if I sound dead on this episode, but I really am recovering from all the traveling and lack of sleep. So you just got to bear with me here. Before I get in today's episode, if you've been loving the podcast,

I would absolutely love a review on Spotify or Apple. The feedback is always so amazing. I'm so thankful for all of you listening. And if you don't already, be sure to follow me on Instagram at lists and at date yourself instead. I have two Instagram accounts. I have a personal account that I've had for like years and the podcast account.

And I get to reply to all of your messages. I love interacting with you guys. Thank you so much for all the love so far. Okay, so today's episode is going to be about the art of detachment. And I call this an art because detaching is something you really have to learn how to do. It really is a skill.

When you are attached to something or someone like a toxic relationship or a toxic person or just something that you know you have to let go of, but you really don't want to, just something that isn't right for you and isn't serving your growth. It can be really challenging. It can be really, really hard. Now, before I dive into this topic, I also want to make a point of saying that detaching from someone or something does not mean you don't care about the

situation or the person. It doesn't mean you cut off all your feelings towards the situation and it doesn't mean you can't be sad. I always encourage people to actually feel their feelings as much as possible because it really does help the healing process. Detaching does not mean you can't be emotional. It truly is separate from all of that. Detachment to me is simply becoming aware of what no longer is serving your growth and your true happiness. And it's really stepping up to the plate to acknowledge that you want to be happy again. And if something like a toxic relationship or a toxic person is holding you back from your genuine happiness, choosing to respectfully separate yourself and let go of it is actually really positive and it's super healthy.

You could only stay stuck on something that's not right for you for so long. Eventually, you know you have to let it go in order to be the best possible version of yourself and to take your power back and to just be yourself again and be truly happy. The other beautiful thing about truly detaching from a situation that's no longer serving your growth is that you actually become super magnetic again. You become magnetic because you're no longer chasing the energy of someone you were once so deeply invested in.

You're no longer giving them your inner peace and handing over your power. You're stepping into your own power and reclaiming who you are and reclaiming that sense of self. So you start attracting better people and circumstances and situations to come into your life with so much ease and it becomes effortless to get everything you've ever wanted. Once you've stepped into your power and you truly detach and let go, that's when actual miracle start to happen. I swear every time I've actually truly moved on from a situation that wasn't

good for me, something better always came in to replace it. And then I look back and I'm like, what the fuck was I thinking holding on to this situation for as long as I did? You create so much unnecessary resistance when you're attached to something that isn't good for you and you're like begging and clinging onto these people and situations that aren't right for you. But when you finally let go, and I mean really let go, like you have to actually be in a place where you know you're gonna be okay without this person. Magical things will happen for you, guaranteed. It happens every single time. Holding onto someone or something that isn't right for you can actually cause you a lot of unnecessary pain and it can really hurt.

And the more we hold on tight to what is no longer serving our highest good, it can actually destroy our inner peace and it could really lower our self-esteem. It chips away at our self-love the more we hold on to something that's no longer serving who we are. Especially if this person or situation is far in the past, if you've broken up months ago, or if they've already moved on or you know you're not getting back together, it can cause you so much pain and suffering to keep replaying things in your head, to keep rehashing out the details, to keep clinging onto their energy even though they're no longer

a part of your life. So detaching is the best thing to do after all is said and done. And I'm going to explain to you what I do and how I've learned to let go in healthy ways through my own personal dating experiences. Obviously, this can also apply to multiple things. It doesn't have to be dating. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, but I'm just speaking for my own personal dating experience

because I've gotten a lot of messages about, you know, wanting to know how to let go of someone in healthy ways. So this is how I do it. I'm gonna start by giving a real life example of a situation that I went through with someone who I literally thought was my soulmate and my husband. Okay, I thought he was like, the man I would marry, I really convinced myself of this. And this happens when our feelings tend to overpower our logic. It happens to the best of us. It happens to many of us

and looking back, I'm like, what the actual fuck was I thinking that I thought this man who would ditch me to go to clubs on the weekends was my husband. But anyways, he was so attractive, like a gorgeous, beautiful looking man. And I was super into him at the time. And we had something going for like a good, solid six months. This was actually the narcissist I referred to in my falling in love with a narcissist episode. I really didn't get into too many specifics on that episode, but I will say this man and I were dating.

He never wanted to put an actual title on it, but we were dating from my perspective. We were going on dates regularly. We would go for dinner, we would go for drinks, we would spend a lot of time at each other's apartments, we would text non-stop all day every day. I would go away for work, like on work trips, for weeks at a time, and we would still be talking and face timing. Like, it was a relationship, even though from his point of view, it probably wasn't. He was still probably finding time to see other people. I wasn't on my end.

I can't prove too much, but I just know that he never wanted to actually call me his girlfriend. But in my head, it was a serious relationship, which respectfully fine, whatever. It felt serious based on the actions. I always say actions over words are just super important. And he was aligned with everything he said for the most part, at least in the actions. I always say actions over words are just super important and he was aligned with everything he said for the most part at least in the beginning, but towards the end of the relationship, things got super complicated and rocky. Like things just went downhill really fast. And when they went down, it went down like crashing down. And by the time I was ending, I was just so attached to

the idea of what the relationship could be and who he could be versus who he actually was. And I was so attached to the point that I became a little obsessive in my mind that I wanted to date him and be with him and blah, blah, blah. I wasn't deeply in love, but I was very attached where I was so used to talking to him and having him be a part of my life. And I knew I was very attached. Where I was so used to talking to him and having him be a part of my life. And I knew I was gonna be really upset and hurt if things ended. So when they did end, it was really bad. I went outside for a glass of wine.

There was like a bar next to my building at the time, and he was supposed to come over that night. And he was late. He was running super late. He didn't answer my text or something. And I walked outside and I felt someone brush past me. And I like, the sounds kind of creepy and weird, but it was like the universe sending me a message I swear.

I smelt his cologne as this guy brushes by me, like hits me kind of, and quickly keeps walking. And he had a particular smelling cologne that I recognize. So I was like, there was just like alarm bells going off in my head because I suddenly knew it was him and he was with another girl. And he put his head down and I followed him and I literally stopped him and I was like,

what are you doing? Basically, I probably seem psychotic from his perspective, but I was pissed. Like, don't make a plan with me after your date to come over and basically just have sex with me after. We were still talking. We were still involved in something. And I caught him on another date with a girl right before he was about to come over my place. I was really upset. And it was just a blur on a whirlwind of emotions. I was really disappointed in myself for continuing the relationship we were in and trusting

him even though he wasn't giving me the time of day anymore. Anyways, I just went home that was the last time I saw him. And for some reason, I just remember him acting so unbothered like he did nothing wrong. And he detached from me super quickly. He just moved on so fast. He never tried to make an effort to see me ever again after that. And it was so hard. It was just really hard for me to process.

It was one really hard because I realized very quickly in a matter of seconds, he did not give a shit about me anymore. And my ego was damaged. I was still invested in him. My feelings were hurt, but I couldn't shake him off of me. I couldn't shake his energy out of my system. I never texted him again. That was the last time we saw each other, and it really sucked.

And it was so hard for me to let go for some reason. Even though we weren't in this serious romantic relationship, I know we both weren't in love with each other. It was one of those things where I just had grown so comfortable in this company and talking to him every day, so to go from talking to him every single day, hanging out, doing intimate activities together to nothing really sucked. And after about three months, one day I knew I had to actively choose to detach. It had to become a choice. I was like, you know what? This situation is no longer serving me anymore. This guy hasn't even thought about me once in the

last few months. He doesn't give a shit. He hasn't reached out to you. And as much as your ego is suffering, because you got rejected in the middle of the street while he was with another girl, it really has nothing to do with you anymore. Let him go live his life. And now you could find peace in knowing that it's really over. You're never going to see this person again. Everything truly happens for a reason. And you deserve way better. I kept having to give myself little pep talks, honestly, to get myself to this point of detachment. I kept having to talk myself out of it, which is normal when you're going through something like this. And it was difficult, but it really did help me. I was like, who is this person to you?

Was he genuinely good to me? Did he treat me with genuine respect? Did he value me? No. He did not deserve me by any means. I was just really holding on because a small piece of me thought he would magically change overnight. But the truth is I had to change. I had to do the inner work to change who I was. I couldn't keep waiting around for him to potentially change one day. I was waiting for him to change when instead I could choose to change myself and up level who I was and step into my power and say fuck this, this isn't healthy for me anymore and I deserve so much better.

So once I made that conscious decision to detach and level up and shift my thinking, everything started to change in my life around me. I started going on dates again. I started putting myself out there to shine again. I just needed to trust the universe that there was something better for me, and I began to trust the universe. I knew that this situation was never going to serve my highest good and help me grow. And just when I was starting to feel really empowered and good again and back to myself,

guess what happened? He texts me. I wake up at 5 o'clock in the morning to a text message from him three months later. But the crazy part is when he texted me at that point, I was in such a good mental place that one, I wasn't phased when he reached out. I was almost like, what the fuck? What does this guy want? And two, he sent me some weird texts that just made me realize that he wasn't worth it. He wasn't relationship potential for me anymore.

I couldn't even see myself ever dating him again or going back to that ever again because I had done the inner work and leveled myself up to the point of not even wanting him anymore. And it felt really good to be in that position because I had done the inner work and leveled myself up to the point of not even wanting him anymore. And it felt really good to be in that position because I knew I wasn't going to fall back into old patterns and old toxic situations. If he had reached out a week later after I had bumped into him, I probably would have

ended up seeing him again. But I'm so thankful looking back that he didn't because it allowed me and gave me the time to actually work on myself and step back into my power and realize that it was not worth my time anymore. So, if you're looking to detach from someone or something toxic in your life, I'm going to go through some steps in order to do this in a healthy way. I pulled these tips from the internet and I'm going to list them out for you in a way that makes sense. And here we go. Okay, so detaching from a toxic relationship

can be challenging and very emotional, but it is also a very important step in taking care of your mental and emotional wellbeing. A toxic relationship can easily drain your energy and lower yourself a steam and also put your mental health at risk. So here are some steps you can take to detach from a toxic situation and move on to become the absolute best version of yourself.

Number one, acknowledge the toxicity. The first step in detaching from a toxic relationship is to recognize that it is toxic. It is no longer serving your growth. You're not happy anymore. You're not thriving anymore. You're not the person you used to be. And you miss that person because that person was healthy and happy and excited and empowered and confident.

And you lost that sense of self. That's a clear sign that you're not in a good situation. And it's so difficult to recognize it if you're so deeply invested in this person and in the relationship, but it is so important to take care of yourself and to recognize that you're not the best version of yourself. You have to be honest with who you are right now

in this moment and see if you're actually aligned with your higher self. And if you're actually happy, if your happiness is being compromised, it's important to take a step back and understand that you need to take the steps in order to detach. Pay attention to your feelings and how the relationship really makes you feel. If you feel drained, if you feel unsafe, it may be time to consider detaching. Number two, set boundaries for yourself.

Healthy boundaries are so important. Once you've recognized that the relationship could be really toxic for you, it's important to set healthy boundaries in order to protect yourself and yourself worth. You might have to limit contact with the other person. Set rules for communication. Are you going to continue responding to their texts, even though you know it's not going anywhere? Are you going to pick up the phone and answer their calls

if you know this relationship isn't serving your highest good? It's important to be clear and firm about your boundaries and what's going to make you feel happy and comfortable. And you have to stick to them, even if the other person is trying to cross them. And this is like one of the hardest things in the world, and I've dealt with this so many times, where I've tried to cut people out of my life, and they'll push to try to get back in, and they'll try to say all the right things to get back in and break my boundaries.

But once you've set those boundaries and you've created like a wall between you and the other person, you have to stick to it and you have to stay true to it because your happiness should always be the priority. Number three, seek support from other people. Detaching from a toxic relationship can be very emotionally challenging and it can be really difficult. So it's important to have a network of people to turn to for help, whether it be your best friends, your family, a therapist, or any type of support group, or even just listening to my podcast on repeat or something, whatever is going to get your mind in a good headspace to protect yourself and to lean on a support system for emotional support and to guide you

as you navigate the process of detachment. Number four, practicing a lot of self-care. And this is also such an important step because as you're going through something difficult, learning to take care of yourself without anyone else involved is so beneficial. And taking care of yourself is so important as you're learning to let go and you're learning to remove yourself from toxic situations. So just make sure you're prioritizing your physical and emotional health, whether it's taking walks, whether it's meditating, just doing activities that bring you happiness and make you feel relaxed and good about yourself. For example, when I was going through this whole relationship situation

that I had mentioned in this episode, I cut back from drinking, I stopped drinking alcohol, I started going to the gym more often, I started booking little solo travel trips for myself just to clear my head and clear my energy field and recharge who I was and remember who I was and step back into my power. And I did take a lot of alone time to heal and process my emotions and take care of myself.

And it took a few months, but every single day was worth it. Even when I was crying and I was upset, every single day was worth it, because I learned how to properly take care of myself. And I think it's just so important. Step number five is to let go of the past. It's so easy to get stuck in old memories and keep replaying them back in your head. But to try to shift your attention to new memories and creating a better future for yourself

and to trust the process of your life and understand that the universe is guiding you to something better, it's always super comforting and helpful to think those thoughts versus getting stuck in your old thought patterns and rehashing all the memories of the past. It's so easy to bring up the old times and bring up things that this person has done to you and wake up and start your day by thinking of all the memories you guys had together. It's so, so normal, obviously, and easy to get stuck in those old ways of thinking. But in order to truly let go, you have to start creating a new thought pattern for yourself and new memories and

understand that in order to really detach and move on, you have to start thinking of the future instead of staying stuck in the past. Allow yourself to obviously feel your emotions and process whatever you're going through, but just try to not get stuck in the past emotions. Focus on building a really healthy and fulfilling future for yourself. And by following these steps, you can start the detachment process. You can become the best version of yourself by doing this. It's obviously going to be a process. It's not going to happen overnight,

but it can definitely help by taking the necessary steps and actions towards detachment. And don't be so hard on yourself if you're still hung up on this person after a few months. Everyone has a different grieving time, everyone has a different way of dealing with things. Try to go easy on yourself and just learn to take a day by day and understand that this is a part of your journey and your path and you will get through it and you will be okay in the long run. Detachment is an art, as I mentioned in the beginning of this episode. And I like to call it an art because you really have to go through these relationship situations

in order to truly grow and evolve as a human being. I have learned so, so much from dating different types of people. And that's how I was able to make this podcast in the first place in order to help everyone else. I had to go through these life experiences and go through the pain in order to level up as a person. And if I hadn't gone through any of this, I wouldn't be here today in this studio giving you guys the advice. And I think that's such a beautiful thing because, as I said, everything is a part of your unique journey. And I think that that was a part of mine, just going through all of these situations where I had to learn the art of detachment

and the art of moving on and the art of letting go. I call it an art because it makes it a little less scary. It can be a beautiful thing once you cross over those moments of pain and you turn it into something creative and positive and beautiful. It can be such an empowering and amazing thing. And I know that everything that I've been through has brought me to this podcast today, which is really cool. And I think that concludes today's episode. I know there was a little

shorter than usual, but I think I really covered everything that I wanted to say. I'm going to keep it short and sweet. Also, I'm super excited for 2023 because there's going to be so many new topics of conversation, so many new things to talk about, and also I'll be having guests on the podcast, which is super exciting. It's going to be so much fun, so stay tuned. I love you guys. Thank you, as always, for listening, and stay tuned for the next one. so much fun, so stay tuned. I love you guys. Thank you as always for listening and stay tuned for the next one.