Date Yourself Instead - How to feel GOOD being alone

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

Being alone can be a scary experience at first, especially after a breakup. In this episode, I dive into my advice about being by myself and what I’ve learned from being my own company.

Welcome to date yourself instead. Date yourself instead. What does it mean to date yourself instead? I'm just gonna learn how to love myself, and that's it. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. If you've been loving the show, feel free to review it on Apple, or give it a rating on Spotify. I would absolutely love your feedback if you've been listening in

and enjoying the episodes. And if you don't like the episodes or you don't like me, send me a DM on Instagram and tell me what I can do to improve. Anyways, let's dive into this. This is a question I get asked all of the time. And the question is, how are you so good at being alone? How are you okay with being alone all the time? How are you happy being by yourself? The truth is, the honest real truth is, I'm not always okay with being alone. That's the real transparent answer, but I have learned to enjoy the process of being alone. And as I've got an older, I've come to understand that at the end of the day, the only person we really have to depend on is ourselves, right? We cannot

be dependent on another person for our happiness, and it's important for us to learn how to take care of ourselves and show up for ourselves every single day. Regardless of if we're in a relationship or not, this still applies because whether you think you found your person or your soulmate or whatever, or if you've been married for 20 years, or you just feel like your partner isn't going anywhere anytime soon, that is obviously so amazing. But at the same time, I've really come to understand as someone who's been in a few serious long-term relationships, you never really know what's gonna happen,

and you never know what could happen in life because things change, people change, and as we grow and evolve, circumstances do change all the time, and if we end up in a position where we're suddenly alone, it can be terrifying. It can be so scary. It can feel like your world is crumbling down.

You don't know what to do with yourself. If you haven't gotten used to that feeling of being independent, it's really easy to get super codependent in a serious relationship if your lives overlap a lot, and you're living together, and you're of like blending your day to day's together. So when you actually are part, it almost feels weird and you get this like anxious attachment type of feeling. It's very common.

It happens to a lot of relationships and people and it's totally normal to end up in a position like that. I've been there so many times. So I thought I would make this whole episode really dedicated to the process of being okay with being alone and what I've learned from being alone and how it's actually benefited my life in so many amazing ways. Listen, I fucking love being in a relationship and I love having a partner in a significant other. Like, who doesn't? It's an amazing feeling when you're

super in love and like the whole world is just like rainbows and butterflies in the beginning of a new relationship. And it's just nice to have a partner to wake up next to you and go grocery shopping, go to the gym. It's like nice to have someone there, of course, someone to talk to. It's like a best friend and a partner all in one. And I totally empathize with people who go through a breakup after having like a best friend and a boyfriend in one person or husband in one person. And then you suddenly aren't together anymore and you're like, who am I and what am I doing with my life and how am I going to make it every day alone?

Like you just feel so lonely and isolated. And it can be really challenging. But if you do end up breaking up with someone at some point down the road and you're not used to being alone and you only know your life with that person, it can be really, really difficult to know how to rely on yourself. And it's really hard to understand how to love yourself when you were constantly getting your love and acceptance and validation and all these warm, fuzzy feelings from someone else and you've never learned how to give those feelings to yourself without anyone.

I had to learn this the hard way. I was in a few very serious relationships, and every time they would end, I would feel so lost and so lonely, and I would feel like I had no one really to turn to, and then I would just go and try to find someone else to fill that void. And I thought it was normal to do this. I thought it was so normal to just jump

from relationship to relationship because I was filling this fear of being alone all the time. And that's how I would always get myself in relationships that weren't actually healthy for me because I would settle in a way because I was looking just for someone to fill that void of me being lonely. And a lot of people are guilty of this, but it happens because we have this fear of being alone and we don't want to know what it's like to wake up next to no one. And we don't want to know what it's like to not have anyone to talk to.

Humans thrive off of connection and intimacy and relationships. And the whole point of being human is to connect with other humans. Like I truly do believe that's a huge reason why I'm here. And it can be really difficult when you're in a situation where I guess everything just kind of goes quiet and you're sitting by yourself and you don't have that person to text. You suddenly don't have that person to talk to.

It can be really isolating. So I know I just got kind of repetitive here, but I just wanted to emphasize the experience of feeling alone is shitty. It can feel really shitty, but I've learned how to navigate it and make it better, and I've learned how to navigate it in a way where it became really exciting to start a new chapter of my life independently and not having to depend on someone else to make me feel

good and not having to depend on anyone else. Whether it's a partner or a friendship or a family member, you could be really close with anyone, and it can become dependent, and you kind of forget how to take care of yourself in the process if you're constantly surrounded by other people. So these are my tips, and these are the things that I was doing when I went through a breakup to be alone and to be okay with being alone. And I got myself to a point where I was actually okay with waking up every day by myself. So let's get right into it. One of the most amazing things I love doing when I'm alone are visualization techniques. It's kind of hard for me to say that it's like a tongue twister.

Visualization techniques. Just to visualize my life with someone amazing one day. Okay, so this actually helped me specifically when I was going through the hardest part of my breakup and I really did feel alone. I could not sleep at night. My anxiety was killing me. I started doing these bedtime meditations

where I would visualize my higher self and a healed version of myself with a really healthy relationship and a partner. And I would trust that eventually it was coming but I needed this chapter of my life to be alone and to be that healed version of myself. Like I needed the alone time to really understand who I was. And I would try to just focus on that and envision what I actually want my real husband and my real partner to be like.

And I would make a note of all the things that were not okay with me in my previous relationship. Instead of focusing on all the good times, all the good memories, because that's what gets you in that rabbit hole of feeling really sad is like reflecting on all the positive things you had together. But there were reasons you broke up, right? So by focusing on the things that actually weren't beneficial to my mental health and my growth and my spirituality, there was a lot of things that kind of brought me down and made me not feel my best self in the relationship.

So by being more aware of those things and focusing on that and saying, okay, I know the universe and I know whatever higher power that you believe in, whatever is looking out for my best interest and my highest good, and then visualizing your higher self, being with the right person, eventually, that just made me feel really comforted. Like I would look up these meditations on YouTube. You could just search also like astro, I think it's astral projection meditations. I would like do these astral projection meditations specifically to jump into a new parallel universe

where your higher self is like waiting for you and you have like everything you've ever wanted and you just picture yourself thriving and being the best version of yourself. And those techniques before bed actually really helped program my brain to be okay with being alone temporarily. I actually don't do them currently, but this is a reminder to myself to actually start doing it again because it was actually super effective. I truly believe in the power of your thoughts.

They're so real. And in order to create a new reality for yourself, you have to kind of like rewire and reprogram your brain to think better thoughts and visualize what you actually want your future to look like. Right now, if you're going through a painful time and you're feeling really lonely, just understanding that this is temporary and it's not how it's going to be for the rest of your life is a really comforting thought. So I would always think things, like, think about things like that

and just understand that this chapter of my life is temporary and eventually I will get to a place where I'm healed, I'm happy, I'm thriving again, and I am going to find someone amazing that matches all of my needs and like meets my standards for a healthy relationship. I am a big T-drinker, especially before bedtime, so I would like make these moments like a ritual for a healthy relationship. I am a big tea drinker, especially before bedtime, so I would make these moments a ritual for myself too.

I would make myself a chamomile tea, pop in a melatonin, and just do these visualization exercises. And it would not only help me sleep better and like, calm anxiety, but it just really did make me feel less alone. Like, I really did feel less lonely at night. And night is the worst time for me. Like I get really lonely, especially when it gets dark outside.

And I don't know, just truly convincing that there is, convincing my brain that there's an amazing person that's waiting for me eventually in my future. And like kind of like doing these astral projection meditations to get to that person. That just felt so good to me. It was a really good way to kickstart my brain

into thinking better thoughts and to feeling less alone. And yeah, it was just something that was really helpful to me, and I hope that that's a helpful suggestion to you. So the next thing I did to feel less alone when I was going through a really lonely period of my life is to take up a new way of being super active and going to like a group workout class. So like whether it's like a yoga class,

Pilates, meditation classes, New York City has a lot of different group classes and since I live in New York, this is accessible to me. So if it is accessible to you and you do live in a city where you can go to a workout class, even if it's one time a week, and you're feeling really lonely, and you feel like you're just kind of isolated, it's just important to push yourself to go outside,

just get some fresh air, or go to a workout class with a group environment, so you're surrounded by people, even if you don't know anyone. I would go to workout classes completely alone, I didn't know anyone, and I also didn't know what I was doing. I felt very anxious and intimidated

walking into the group classes because like for example, I signed up for Pilates and honestly, I've never done Pilates. And this was actually a couple months ago. Also apologies if you just heard that blaring horn outside, I do live in New York City, as I've mentioned and I don't know if the studio blocks out all that noise, but there was just a crazy horn outside. So I had to pause the episode for a second. Anyways, anytime I go to a workout class

that's a group setting and I don't know anyone and I'm not going with a friend, I get social anxiety as I'm working out, and I feel so stupid. I went into this Pilates class once and I was by myself and I didn't know what I was doing because it's my first time doing Pilates and it's like I don't like when the instructor also can tell you're a beginner and then they'll like come over to you every two seconds to like adjust you and like they'll call you out for not knowing what you're doing and you feel like everyone's

staring at you and it gives me crazy social anxiety but when I am alone I do feel like being in a group workout environment has really helped my mental health And it's made me feel a little less alone for an hour a day Even if it's just a surround myself with people for an hour complete strangers I still know that it will help my mental health in the long run I Do know it can be a little intimidating going to a group workout class or being in a group of people that you don't know what you're doing and you don't know anyone, but it really does help.

Even if it's one time a week, I truly recommend it if you're going through a really difficult time and you're just looking to surround yourself with people, just feeling other humans around you being active and being active yourself really does help you. The next thing I love to do when I'm by myself and feeling really alone is go for walks. I used to go for walks all the time and listen to podcasts like self-help podcasts and just podcasts about working on yourself and achieving your goals or like healing, just really healing positive podcasts

that will make me feel good. And I don't listen to sad music. I always listen to upbeat, happy music because I really do believe music has an effect on us subconsciously. Maybe this isn't for everyone's experience, but just personally for me, if I listen to really depressing music, I will like absorb that and get really sad.

So I avoid like sad content in general. I don't listen to anything depressing or that will really alter my mental state in a negative way. And I always listen to upbeat music to make me feel good, go for a walk, do my daily walk around the city. I'll walk a couple miles honestly if I have some free time that day. And just walking and enjoying my own company. I had to learn this the hard way, like being in a city like New York also, you have to be careful wearing your headphones as you walk around and if you're in your own world, just putting that

out there as like a side note. If you are walking around with your headphones in the city, it's an amazing thing to take time for yourself and just like get your steps in, but just make sure that you're self-aware and you're alert because if you can't hear anything around you and you're in your own world walking, it can be a little bit dangerous. I've had weird people come up to me as I'm in my own world zoned out with my headphones in, but for the most part, walking around the city with my headphones and just kind of like tuning the world out and listening to a good podcast or listening to a motivational speech or watching a really amazing YouTube

video, like in the park, I'll sit on a bench for an hour and just set aside some quality time for myself, watch a video, something that's going to make me feel good, and then I'll carry on with my day. But it's really therapeutic to go for walks and listen to podcasts and listening to happy music. It's really, really like an amazing way of, it's almost like free therapy. I think it's definitely helped me feel less alone and it's super healing. Another thing I've done to feel less alone is to reorganize my life in as many ways as I can.

Whether it's creating a vision board or cleaning your whole apartment or writing down your goals for the next two weeks or finding new things that really spark your creativity and passion. When I'm by myself, I really like to change things up in my environment and where I'm living. So if I have a free day, I'll reorganize my entire apartment. I'll go to these crazy lengths to make sure everything is super clean and organized. I'll go on a cleaning bench and I'll create a vision board. I'll write down my goals for the week.

I just like to keep myself as organized as possible when I have my free time to myself. And I feel like when you have a lot of a low in time, there's a lot less distractions. So you could always be more on top of your organization and get your life together. Also finding new hobbies and things that might spark your passion. So you could take more time doing the things you love and you don't have to worry about a partner. Like you don't have to worry about, oh, well, I have to do this for them and I have to, you know, cater to them today because they want to do this or that. It's like you don't have to worry about, oh, well, I have to do this for them. And I have to, you know, cater to them today because they want to do this or that. It's like you have all your time and energy for yourself.

And that could be a very beautiful thing. So if you get to a period in your life where you're feeling alone, I think focusing on your passions and trying new things is always such a cool way to spend time alone with yourself. I feel like once you break yourself out of your comfort zone and you're just like, okay, I don't wanna go to this painting class by myself that's super weird and awkward. If you actually do it, you might end up actually

having an amazing time, you really never know. I remember when I started taking myself to dinner, it was so intimidating and weird for me at first. It was super uncomfortable. But then I started bringing self-help books with me. I started bringing my headphones with me so I could listen to podcasts while I'm eating dinner. And I literally love it. I love eating dinner alone. It's just so peaceful. You don't have to have conversation. You could just order your food, enjoy an amazing

comfort meal, and listen to an amazing podcast. Like, what's wrong with that? There's nothing wrong with taking that quality time to yourself and having a nice meal by yourself. I think it's so, it's actually so relaxing and so peaceful. And it's not to say like, I haven't ever felt lonely doing that. There's definitely been moments where I've gone out to a restaurant in New York City. And of course, everyone's sitting at a table with either groups of people or there's a couple next to you

Madly in love and staring into each other's eyes and like holding hands at the table and you're just sitting there awkwardly like All right, well, that's cool. I guess but eventually your time will come I promise you that eventually you will have someone to sit across from and I always tell myself that if I'm feeling a little lonely And I feel like I'm missing out on something and I'm looking next to me and I see a couple that looks really happy, actually it kind of makes me feel really nice in a way. Like you can change the narrative in your head. Instead of being like, oh, all these couples are so happy and I'm not and I'm alone and I'm single, you can change the narrative and say, you know what, my time is going to come and I'm so happy for the people who are in love. Like, I'm so happy for love. Love is love and love is amazing.

And just by being happy for other people, you're actually going to attract more amazing things into your life in the long run. I truly believe that. If you're constantly bitter and you're worried about what everyone else has, it never ends up good. It never ends up in a good situation for you and it doesn't make you feel good. So just by focusing on feeling good and being happy for other people, that really does help you when you're alone. Like just smiling at people, like happy couples walking. I remember when I was going through my breakup,

I was really sad when I saw couples walking around, but when I started to heal myself and I started loving the process of being alone and really being okay with being alone. I would look at couples and be like, I'm gonna have that someday. And it just made me feel really hopeful and really good. And there's always like, you could see the glass half,

I'm too you're the glass half full. I know that's like the most cliche thing to say ever, but it's true. So some other simple things that I do to take care of myself and prioritize myself when I'm alone, I take baths, I'm obsessed with taking baths and just relaxing, taking a nice bubble bath, journaling, journaling and writing down my goals for the next few weeks. I love to journal and just like I love handwritten things.

Like I love writing down my manifestation goals. Like what I want to accomplish and what I'm looking forward to in the weeks and months to come. I'll write down a whole list of everything. And it just, it gives me so much joy and it gives me so much excitement to just lay out my future all the time and say, life is so short, so here's the list of things that I need to do before my time is up.

Okay, that sounds a little dark, but it's true. It's like, when you always think about how short life is, there's so much that I'm sure you want to accomplish and there's so much that I'm sure you want to achieve in this lifetime. So just focus on your goals and get excited about it. You have all this free time to yourself now to work on yourself instead of pouring it

into someone else or pouring it into a toxic relationship. You can center all that energy back into yourself and say, you know what, now's my time to shine, now's my time to be this boss girl or boss woman that I've always wanted to be and just capitalize on the time that I have by myself. Like I truly believe your alone time can make you so successful in life. If you really take all of that energy, you were using on someone else, especially if you just went through a breakup, and you start focusing it into your work

and into your passions, amazing things are gonna happen, it's guaranteed. And just to wrap this up, the benefits of being alone are really truly amazing. You learn how to be happy by yourself. You learn your own self-worth and your self-value. You set your standards really high because you know what you're looking for.

And when you have so much quality time to yourself, you learn how to love yourself. You really do. You learn about who you really are and you could just be more comfortable in your skin without external influences, influencing your identity. I think when I was younger, I really did struggle

with being surrounded by people, telling me what to do, telling me how to act, telling me how to look, especially, I don't know everything. I always felt like I had to play a certain role, and I was always so unclear of who I truly was, especially in my romantic relationships. I feel like whenever I would get a new relationship and have a new partner, they would always point certain things out that I was doing wrong, or they would always say,

like, you know, I really don't like when you do this, I don't like when you wear this, I don't like your hair this color, I've heard it all. And I would kind of store that and take it with me and kind of slowly start to change who I was based on what my partner's needs were instead of really knowing who I am and being solidified in who I am and knowing myself worth, and knowing that I shouldn't have to change for anyone. I never really understood my value until I had quality time with myself. And I think that's the beauty of being alone, is that you really learn how to value yourself in a way that's unshakeable. And no one can really change that

and that's an amazing thing. So I think that concludes today's episode. I really hope you guys like this one. I hope that was helpful to you. If you're ever feeling alone, just know that it really can be a beautiful thing when we channel our energy to be productive and excited about our future.

And it's kind of nice not having to attend to anyone else or think about a toxic relationship and just really focus on yourself and becoming the best version of yourself. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. Have an amazing day and stay tuned for the next one.