Date Yourself Instead - How to know if you're with the wrong person vs. right person

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

Being with the wrong person can feel heavy on your heart and on your mind. It could feel like you're constantly trying to change for someone else or try to compromise your needs for someone else. In this episode, I dive into what it feels like to be in the wrong relationship, or in a relationship that needs some work. I also dive into what it feels like to be in a good and healthy relationship with a partner. I hope it can help guide you and make you feel less alone if you're currently in this type of situation. Always feel free to DM me as well on instagram @dateyourselfinstead or @lyss if you enjoyed this episode. Sign up for the exclusive hoodie waitlist HERE: https://www.dateyourselfinstead.co Shop the Peter Thomas Roth moisturizer HERE: Potent-C Brightening Vitamin C Moisturizer

Being with the wrong person can feel heavy on your heart and on your mind. It could feel like you're constantly trying to change for someone else or try to compromise your needs for someone else or you could constantly just feel physically drained and exhausted. Like you can't really seem to put a finger on what the issue really is but something just feels off. Everything on the surface could seem totally fine but deep down you feel like something's just missing, or you feel lost and confused all the time, or you just don't feel like

the best version of yourself. Being with the wrong person can feel like a constant struggle to put your feelings into words because you do care about this person, but something continuously just feels off. And this person doesn't feel aligned with the woman or the man that you're trying to become, and that's totally okay. Before I dive in today's meaningful episode, I quickly wanted to share that I am releasing exclusive limited edition, one of a kind hoodies for the date yourself and stead family. I've been working on this for a really long time, and I am so excited to announce that these hoodies are launching this Friday, April 14th, and there are only a hundred of them.

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Dateyourselfinstead. What does it mean to date yourselfinstead? I'm just gonna learn how to love myself, and that's it. to do your self-esteem. I'm just gonna learn to love myself and that's it. Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of date yourself instead. I want to apologize in advance. I'm just getting over being super sick. I don't know what happened, but I've been living in Florida for the last couple months, as I've mentioned in previous episodes, and I went back to New York to a work event, and I got insanely sick, I think, because of the weather change, and I literally could not get out of bed. I couldn't breathe. My throat was closing.

my throat was closing, I was having trouble walking, I actually went to pick up a new book that I wanted from this bookstore near my hotel in the city. And as I was walking out of the bookstore, well first I was walking around the bookstore and I started getting like these hot flashes and I didn't want to buy the book anymore. I just didn't have the patience to wait on a line to pay for something. I just felt like super dizzy and weird. And I ended up walking outside and I almost fainted on the sidewalk. I had to lean up against a wall and call an Uber,

even though my hotel was two blocks away, I could not walk the two blocks. That's how sick I was. So I tested for COVID, I did not walk the two blocks. That's how sick I was. So I tested for COVID, I did not have COVID. After googling my symptoms, which you probably shouldn't do, it kind of matched up in it made sense because I went from being on the beach in really warm weather to freezing cold weather in a matter of 24 hours. And I think it just I think it just fucked up my whole immune system. So that was that. I ended up making it back to my hotel alive in one piece.

When I got back to New York, my skin was literally peeling, and my face was so crazy dry. And I remembered I had packed this moisturizer with me, and it saved my life during my trip to New York. It's the Peter Thomas Roth potent vitamin C moisturizer. It just came out, it's brand new, and I love this brand. I actually did a spa day with them in New York City, and we did like a little skincare day, and we got massages, it was amazing.

I love them, I love their team, and they sent me this moisturizer. The Brightening Vitamin C moisturizer is packed with an advanced form of vitamin C that helps to brighten the look of dullness, uneven skin tone, and dark spots, while improving the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. So basically, my skin was under a lot of environmental stress. I was dying from some sort of weird infection, and this came to my rescue. The texture is just so rich, and I just like to apply it under my eyes and on my forehead. You do not need a lot of product with this.

You need very little, because a little goes a long way. It's super hydrating. It is very rich. And obviously, if you're interested, you can go to their website peterthomasroth.com or you can buy it at Sephora as well. And now I'm going to get into today's episode which is going to cover how to know if you're in the wrong relationship. What are the signs of being in the wrong relationship and what does it actually feel like? How does it actually feel to be in the wrong relationship

with someone? Why do we feel this constant anxiety? Why do we feel this weird nagging feeling, drilling in the back of our head, telling us that something's wrong all the time? But we can't seem to figure out what's actually wrong. Why do we actually feel the way that we do when we're in a toxic situation

and we can't get out of it for some reason? And we go back and forth in our heads a million times. There are so many people who go through situations like this. And today I wanted to unpack this and talk about it more and talk about my experiences with it and how it's been really hard for me to pull myself out of toxic situations before and also what being in the wrong relationship actually feels like. I've done some research for you guys. I'm gonna pull up some facts and bullet points to kind of get us through the episode so it's easy and smooth to understand and

I hope you enjoy. Being with the wrong person can feel really off and uncomfortable. It could feel like a constant struggle. It can feel like you found the right person. It could feel like you've met the love of your life, but then something starts to feel off, especially if it was good for the first six months or a year and you thought you've met your husband and the love of your life, but then suddenly things just start to feel a little weird. Things just start to feel like not the same as they once were. The relationship seems to slowly be falling apart. And as much as you don't wanna believe

that it's falling apart, it starts falling apart. Something will usually just not feel the same or aligned or right. And when the same nagging feeling keeps coming up over and over and over again, that's something's off, usually there is something off. And it doesn over again that's something's off. Usually there is something off and it doesn't mean that your partners out doing anything wrong or they're lying to you or cheating on you but sometimes we can end up with the wrong people simply because eventually we

just are supposed to go on two different paths. That's the hardest thing in the world to know that you were in love with someone and then suddenly you start to drift apart and all the good times and all the good memories start to flash back in your head and you're like, how the fuck will I ever break up with them? We had so many amazing times together now I'm attached to all of that. How would I break up with them and move on and not be with them anymore? It's literally something that can go back and forth in your head on the daily if you're in the wrong relationship. And I've been there and I've been with people for very long

periods of time. I've dated people in casual relationships for a month at a time. I've dated people in serious relationships for years at a time and every time the relationship was starting to fizzle out and come to an end, something would start to feel off. Something would start to feel like it wasn't right in my body and I would actually feel it physically. Whether it be through anxiety or constant stress or depression or me not being able to be productive, me not being able to focus, things slowly started happening gradually. So that also made it really hard to see it while it

was happening until later after the fact when the relationship was over. Now I also want to preface this by saying don't take everything I say super to heart. If you're in a happy relationship and you're having problems and you're going through a rough patch, don't take this episode and say, oh my god, I'm with the wrong person. There are plenty of ways to maintain a relationship through communication, couples therapy, you know, like people go through rough periods of time in their relationships. So I'm not a licensed relationship therapist by any means. I'm just talking about my own experiences. So if you are listening to this episode and you're agreeing with everything I'm saying

and you're like, oh my God, this is exactly how I feel. Should I break up with them? Do not make a rash decision to end a relationship off of my podcast. Okay. You need to do what's best for you. And this is just to guide you and help you. And this is like a form of me just talking to you as a friend. So take it with a grain of salt. I'm not responsible for your own personal decisions and what you decide to do in your relationships. But

if this could help in any way, just give you some insight, just give you another perspective. That's all I'm here for. I posted this quote on my Tiktok a while back and saw this guy make a video about the same concept and I don't remember his name but he was saying how being with the wrong person feels like when you go out and you forgot that you might have left your hair straightener on or you forgot you left the stove on. Your mind is constantly kind of going back and back and forth thinking oh my god, am I going to sort of fire my house?

Like I don't know if I should go home. It's constant, wavering. It's that wavering feeling where you're in this gray area, where you're not sure what to do and you're constantly anxious and you feel like you're having this weird sense of anxiety, even though you can't pinpoint where it's coming from. And I thought this analogy was really cool and interesting because we've all had that moment where we aren't sure if we left our straightener on or not and we're like, shit, I don't know what to do,

should I go home? I can't remember. And in relationships, when we're with the wrong person, sometimes it could feel like we're on that wavering energy where we're like, are they the right person? Are they being honest with me? Is this the right match? Should I feel this way? It's always these like weird questions that will like subtly pop into your head and then leave because your

logic is like, oh no everything's fine, don't worry about it. And then your gut and your intuition's kind of being like, is it fine? I don't know. I just feel like something's weird. And then you constantly go in this circle in your head and you freak yourself out. This is so applicable to so many people's situations, especially when you're in a casual relationship and you're in the dating phase. Sometimes it can be tricky to navigate and you're like, I don't know if this is the right person because they haven't called me in a week. Yeah, I mean, if you haven't communicated in a week, they're probably not. But it's just interesting, that whole concept of like not being sure and being on edge and feeling like maybe you're crazy or maybe you're overreacting or maybe your standards are too high or something where you just feel like maybe you're the issue.

So you just kind of want to take a step back and see how the relationship unfolds. But more often times than not, and this is my experience once again, not telling anyone what to do with their relationships. But more often times than not, I feel like when I've had these weird feelings, where I'm constantly going back and forth, the relationship was not right. The relationship was not solid, and it wasn't built on a healthy foundation, and there was a lot of miscommunications and weird feelings that I would get and it just ended up ending for whatever reason. And I've been in a lot of these situations

where I felt that way. So that's one way to kind of know something's off if you feel off. Like if you're feeling uncomfortable, stressed out all the time, anxious all the time, and you cannot get on the same page as this other person, it can be a sign that you're in the wrong relationship. I was reading about how the wrong person can feel like a constant battle, a constant struggle, something that you wrestle with in your

mind 24-7, and I want to read it to you. It says, it may seem at first like you found your soulmate, but as time goes on, something just doesn't feel right. There's a constant feeling of unease, a sense of being trapped, or a feeling that you're not living up to your potential. I thought this was so fascinating because it couldn't apply more to my situations. The last guy I dated, I thought was my soulmate. I thought it was the love of my life, and I still love him to death, and he's a good person, and I really care about him more than

anything in the world. But I did think he was my soulmate in the beginning, and as time went on, these weird things started happening, where I was constantly anxious, stressed out, confused, unsure where we stood. I would go back and forth in my head if we should break up or not. And this went on for years, like, even though we had amazing memories together and we were obsessed with each other and in love with each other, there was another side to the relationship where I was like, is this right? Is this going to work? I don't know.

It just feels like we're not on the same page, we're not on the same life path. And there was a lot of problems, which I've discussed in the power of walking away. It was the hardest fucking thing I've ever been through my life. So those were kind of the warning signs when I realized that I might be with the wrong person. And when I realize that I might be with a wrong person. And another thing that this said, that I was reading about, it said, you feel like you're always compromising your needs. When you feel like you're always compromising bits

and pieces of who you are, when you're constantly sacrificing little pieces of who you are, when you're trying to do everything right and that person thinks you're doing everything wrong, when you're giving up your identity essentially to make a relationship work, these are clear signs that you're not with the right person. After going through three serious relationships and losing myself in every fucking one, I understand

now that if you're sacrificing who you are to be with someone and for the sake of love, that's not love. I mean, yes, I wasn't love with those people, but at the same time, I wasn't loving myself at all, and that's not healthy love. Healthy love is when you are able to balance the love between yourself and also give it to another person. Hands down. And through all of these relationship experiences, I've realized that I've never loved myself enough to even cater to another person because what would end up happening was, I would be in these relationships, I would be in this high vibe, excited state when I met them, I'd be myself, I'd be this free, happy, independent, free spirit. And then I would get into

relationship and I would, the first month was great, the second month was great, and by the third month, I would start to get super attached. All my emotions would cater to them. I would bend over backwards to do anything for this person. And I would drain all the energy out of myself. I would give all of my power away to another person to make sure that they stayed with me. Because I have an anxious attachment style, I loved them so much, I was afraid that would leave me,

like I would do all these things to make sure the relationship would just stay together and we would never be apart. And it was like draining a life out of me, making me less of who I was, taking away from my work, my social life, my friendships. It literally played a huge role in the destruction of the rest of who I was, because I was trying to accommodate a man. And that's okay to go through these experiences and to do those things, but it's not sustainable unless you want to cater to someone the rest of your life and basically have no sense of self or identity. That's a personal choice, and a lot of people do stay stuck in relationships like that, but I don't think anyone wants to be like that.

I don't think it's beneficial for anyone to lose themselves in a relationship and it's depressing. I mean, from my experiences, I felt like total shit when I've left relationships because I was so drained, trying to pour all my love and energy into another person instead of into myself and I just wasn't the person I wanted to be. Being with the wrong person can also feel super isolating and super lonely and super depressing. I've been in relationships where I've technically been dating someone,

but I felt super lonely in the relationship. So what the fuck is the point of being in a relationship where you constantly feel lonely? Because your needs aren't being met, you're not communicating, you're not on the same page. Even when you do talk to them, you feel like you're by yourself. That's the worst fucking feeling in the world. And I have been there. I've been in relationships where I felt super alone in my head. And I was like, this person does not understand one little piece of me. I don't understand why I'm even dating them. But then I was attached to other things. Maybe it was just someone to

cuddle with, spend time with, do activities with, whatever it was, I was attached to certain things that would make me stay when in reality it was just my fear being alone. And once you get over the fear being alone, your fucking world opens up so drastically, it's insane. You become such a different person because you're not afraid to walk away from things that no longer serve your growth. And I was always so afraid to be alone that I would settle. I would settle for someone that was making me feel like shit or it just felt lonely. I remember there was a guy that I dated for seven months and he was great to hang out with. He was a person that I like to chill with.

He was someone to text. We had good times together. He was nice. But I remember there was this one time where I had something really bad happen to me. Like I had a really shitty day. And I went to kind of open up to him a little bit. And we hadn't really gotten on that serious level of the relationship yet. And I remember I was venting out to him about something. And he was like, oh, I'm sorry. And his reaction just, it made it clear he did not give a fuck about what I had went through. Which is fine,

we weren't boyfriend, girlfriend, but it made it very clear to me that it was not going to be serious. And I felt very alone in that moment and I was like this is weird I feel like I should have not even opened up and told you what just happened like it was very uncomfortable and I felt super alone and then I spent the night with him and I felt so alone in my head the whole night I was inside my head like, this is fucking weird, this is awkward, his reaction just made me feel like he didn't give a fuck about me. And he didn't even know anything was wrong. He was like, ah, like just chilling. Guys are just so simple sometimes where they're like,

oh, I don't know, like, whatever. Like he didn't realize that even affected me, you know, like he didn't, I'm sure he wasn't thinking, oh, the reaction I gave her made her feel lonely. And I wasn't about to open up that can of worms and start telling him how I felt about the way he reacted to me because it just wasn't that serious, but it just made me realize how easy it is to be alone even though you're right next to someone. And if you feel that way in your relationship, it's usually not the right person. Or you gotta find a solution and communicate with that person. And maybe you can have your needs

met in another way and you can work on it together. But that's a really big indicator that something is off and it's something you would need to discuss with your partner if you do feel that way. Being with the wrong person can feel like you're constantly not satisfied. You're constantly anxious. You're constantly worrying about the relationship instead of your day-to-day activities. That's a huge problem. And that's something

that I've also dealt with where I've sacrificed my energy and time to a relationship. And I neglected my day-to-day tasks. I would have to put my whole day on pause to make sure that this person was not going anywhere, and it would take away from everything going on in my day, which is super unhealthy. Now, I want to make it clear. For example, if your relationship is going through a crisis and you have children and you're married and you're talking about divorce, if you take a week off to focus on that. That's fine and that's probably what you should do but I'm talking about a

day-to-day activity of just Fighting about whether you guys are gonna stay together whether you guys are going to be in a relationship Whatever it is if it's taking up your entire day, every single day for the next six months, it's not worth it. I promise you, it's not worth it, because if you were right and if you were meant to be, you wouldn't be having that discussion every day

and going in circles every fucking day. And I've been here like, you have no idea. I spent two years doing that with someone, so I completely understand it and I don't regret anything. I don't wish I could undo the last two years that I did that but it was definitely mentally tolling and draining and it played into every other aspect of my life and I would just use that experience to tell everyone else not to do what I did. Another thing that might indicate that you're with the wrong person is if you're super disconnected and isolated from everyone in your family or everyone from your social circle.

Like if you have no other friends and all your friends drop off the face of the earth because you've isolated yourself with one person. What's normal to not see people as much when you're in a committed relationship and you're married, and it's normal to like kind of do your own thing more often with this person instead of with your friends, because that's what happens when you get into a relationship. A lot of your energy and time is gonna go to your partner, but if you literally speak to no one else, but your partner, just be careful and cautious about that.

I've also done this and it's very isolating and it can get very depressing if you two start fighting and then you have no one else to turn to. That's the worst fucking thing ever. So just monitoring that and understanding that it's okay to still have friends, it's okay to still talk to your family and if your partner is making you feel weird or bad or guilty about that, that's probably an issue. When I was going through my relationship with someone who had different religious values than me, his family did not approve of the relationship, which I understood from their perspective, because they have religious beliefs that are not aligned with the person that I am and I get it and I never took it personally in that sense

because I understood. He basically was trying to like choose between me and his family and I told him like, you should not choose between me and your family. I do not want you to, I don't want you to disconnect from your family. I think it's fucked up if you do that and I don't want you to lose that relationship with them. And I did not give him any sort of ultimatum. I wasn't like, listen, if you talk to them, I'm done. It wasn't like that. And I think

a lot of people end up in situations like that. It depends on the case-by-case situation and relationship obviously, but I'm just giving an example. Like even if there's family dynamics that might be an issue, you should never isolate, you should never control what this person's doing with their relationships and their friendships and their family because you should be able to have that and also have your partner and it should be a healthy balance. You shouldn't be controlling what they're doing, who they're talking to. Obviously, this doesn't apply if they want to talk to their ex. Like, that's not happening. But I'm talking about just healthy other relationships in your life other than the relationship itself. I think it's just super important.

Now, I'm going to read you a list I found online as well of what being in a healthy relationship might feel like. Feeling heard and understood by your partner, healthy communication, setting healthy boundaries with one another, feeling happy, fulfilled, and stable, mentally stable on a daily basis, and feeling safe, feeling secure, feeling comfortable, feeling like you're both on the same page with honesty, maintaining your own individuality and pursuing your own goals, regardless of what that person's doing.

That's a really good one. Being able to resolve conflicts in a constructive and positive way. Amazing. I love that. Feeling like your partner brings out the best of you and helps you grow as a person. That's also a really amazing sign

of being in a good relationship. Feeling like you could be yourself without being judged or ridiculed or criticized. That's also an amazing one. I think that really is simple. That's to the point. If you feel those things with your partner, you're probably in a really good relationship in a really good place., if you feel those things with your partner, you're probably

in a really good relationship in a really good place. And if you're listening to this episode and you're related to all the things I listed about being with the wrong person, listen. As I said, I'm not here to tell you what to do. If you want to be with this person and you still want to make things work, you've got to just communicate, you've got to be open and hope that both of you can grow and work together to build your relationship and make it stronger. And if not, and if they're not willing to hear you out and you're crying every day and

you're miserable every day, it's time to really reconsider what you value the most. Do you value yourself the most? Do you love yourself the most? Are you willing to sacrifice who you are for someone else or do you want to put yourself first and love yourself first and date yourself instead. And with that being said, I'm gonna go finish my coffee. I'm gonna go get some breakfast, go for a run, start my day. I love you guys. Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to rate it on Spotify and Apple. Share it with a friend. Every share, it means the world to me as I'm building out the podcast and putting out episodes for you guys. I love you. Thank you as always and stay tuned for next Monday.