Date Yourself Instead - How to let go and move on because you deserve BETTER

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

This is the ultimate breakup guide and podcast for anyone trying to move on and let go, because you deserve better. You deserve someone who will commit to you and give you the world. Why are you settling? In this episode, I discuss my perspective on this topic and dive into my own emotions as well. Remember, you can always message me on instagram @lyss or @dateyourselfinstead if you enjoyed this episode.

Do you want the coolest hoodie ever? The type of hoodie where your friends are asking you where you got your hoodie from? Before I dive into today's episode, I wanted to mention that I'm dropping exclusive Limited edition one of a kind hoodies for those of you who are following the date yourself instead podcast This merch drop is very limited. There's only a hundred hoodies. I repeat. There are only a hundred hoodies that I'm selling for now They are so cozy. They are so comfortable. It's something I've been working on for a very long time and I am so proud of the quality. If you want your hoodie, make sure you go to dateyourselfandstead.co and join the wait list for when these hoodies drop. You do not want to miss the launch. The launch is very, very soon. So be sure to

go to dateyourselfinstead.co and sign up to get your hoodie and make sure you join the date yourself instead crew. And the best part is we are shipping worldwide. I cannot wait for you to get yours. That's dateyourselfinstead.co to sign up for the wait list and get your hoodie once they drop. Welcome to dateyourselfinstead. to sign up for the wait list and get your hoodie once they drop. Get yourself instead. What does it mean to get yourself instead? I'm just going to learn how to love myself and that's it. If they want to go, let them go. If they go, did you let them go? If they broke up with you, let them go. If they started dating someone else or they went back to their ex, let them go.

True freedom is when you stop trying to control what they're doing and let them go in peace. Knowing and trusting deep down that this person was just not right for you, they were not the one and you know you deserve so, so, so much better. Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. If you are enjoying the podcast so far, I would love your review and your feedback. Feel free to leave a review on Apple or Spotify wherever you're listening to the podcast right now. And if you want to send me a DM on Instagram at lists, that would be amazing also.

So this episode is one, gonna be one of my favorite episodes I've ever recorded. And two, this is gonna be one of the most important episodes I've ever recorded. This is on letting them go. Why you should let them go. And it's really going to be more of a mindset shift episode. Like, I'm not gonna do a step-by-step tutorial

on how to get over someone. I've done that in other episodes. That's more mechanic, but this is really just going to cover a rant of like why I think you should let them go. It's a psychological rant out of my mind, out of my mouth, kind of like word vomiting, but not really because there are really good points that I'm going to cover, but I just, I'm super passionate about this. I'm a master at detaching from situations that are really toxic. I've had my fair share of situations that were not healthy for me in my life, and through these experiences, I've really learned how to let go because I really had one no choice until it really wasn't healthy. and it was really hard for me to let go in those moments and powering through those moments and then learning what I did and kind of

bringing it to this episode is really cool and also just I want to share everything that I learned through these experiences because it's so important and it really is valuable information. I am nowhere close to perfect. I get a ton of TikTok comments like all over my TikTok saying, oh, like I wish I had your confidence. Like how are you able to get over things so quickly? And the truth is, I'm really not as confident as I see my videos all the time. It's easy to post a video and seem confident.

And there are moments obviously where I radiate confidence and I feel really good, but I also have a lot of days where I battle with mental health and anxiety and depression. I've already spoken about this in other podcast episodes. I know I'm not perfect by any means. I'm human. I'm normal. I went through some shitty relationships and I've definitely had my fair share of breakups

and I know how hard it is to actually really fully detach and let go of someone that you really care about and that you love. So by no means, like I just want to clarify that, I'm not saying even from my experiences I struggled with detachment and letting go too, but I know how to do it a lot better now. And me learning how to detach because of what I've been through and bringing it here is the goal. So detachment, it's not literally about not giving a fuck. It's not about not caring. It's just about learning how to properly remove yourself and your emotions out of a situation that are no longer serving your best interests. And if something super toxic for you,

it's just learning how to properly let it go and move on because that's what's healthiest for you. And I'm not promoting situations where I don't want you to not have any emotions because we're human and emotions are important and we all deal with emotional issues and having emotion is a part of being human. So I am not promoting to be emotionless. Okay. I'm just simply going to be talking about how I'm able to let go of things that don't serve me anymore.

Because I know I deserve better and you know that you deserve better. And that's why you're here. Okay. So let's get right into it. The first thing is you know you deserve better, right? So if you really think about this person objectively, what do they actually bring to the table? Like what are they actually offering and contributing to your life? Did they offer you love and affection?

Did they offer you a person to cuddle with, to talk to, to have meaningful conversations with, to travel with? What did this person really have to offer you? Were they a kind person, were they kind to other people, were they a loyal person, or were they just physically attractive? What was actually important to you in this person and why do you think it's so hard for you to let go?

Let's just unpack it and really think about their best qualities. Okay. That's the first step in kind of learning how to properly detach from someone because you have to really kind of analyze like why you're so attached to them in the first place. It's so easy to get caught up in this idea of someone leaves you or someone like breaks up with you. You're like, what's wrong with me? Did I not offer them enough? But no, like you have to flip it around and be like, what are they offering me and my life?

weren't they just making me anxious and depressed and miserable all the time? more often times than not, we're so attached to people that did nothing but bring us down. and that's not always the case, but I know for me and my situations, I was always attached to people that were not good for me anyway. and I had to kind of unpack that and really understand that I was attracting these people that were so unhealthy for me. And there was no reason for me to actually be attached to them in the first place,

other than childhood trauma. Like when we have traumatic incidents that happen to us at a young age, it can cause these deep rooted attachments in our relationships as we get older, which kind of, I don't know, you could like obviously learn about this in more detail, like with a therapist, I'm not a therapist,

but I've learned that I have these like deep rooted attachment issues to people that are toxic because of just like dynamics growing up, and it's not to say I'm blaming anyone or blaming my mom and dad, they have a happy marriage, and it has really, it's nothing like a personal thing with my parents, it's just, I was surrounded by certain things and certain dynamics that made me feel like I needed to be validated by men all the time.

And I felt like I wasn't getting attention in the ways that I needed maybe as a child. And it bled into my relationships. And I would like attract these guys that I just needed them to validate me. And it was super toxic. And I was attached to them for literally no reason. I had so much trouble detaching from people just because they were attractive. Okay, that is not enough to be with someone by any means,

but just really unpacking the qualities and the person that you're attached to, make sure that they're actually offering you things, okay? And if they're not, you have to give yourself a pep talk. You are amazing, you are beautiful, you are intelligent, and if you're not, you have to give yourself a pep talk. You are amazing, you are beautiful, you are intelligent. And if you're listening to this right now, you are so powerful and whether you realize it or not, like I'm gonna tell you right now that you are,

and you deserve a really good person in your life, a really high quality person that's gonna love you and respect you and cherish you. So what is this person actually bringing a value to you? And if they're breaking up with you all the time or ghosting you or gaslighting you on a consistent basis, that's not healthy. And they don't deserve to be with you. And you need to see your higher self and envision your higher self and kind of have a talk with her. This is what I do when I'm really struggling with letting go of someone. I'm like, would you tell your best friend

or your higher self to stay with this person? Absolutely not. And that person knows that you deserve better. So step into your power, step into your higher self. And if this person isn't bringing anything to the table, they're doing you a favor by walking away and they did you a favor by breaking up with you. There's this quote that says, you could be the right package at the wrong address and that speaks

volumes to me and I always like I live by that quote because you could be perfect, you could have everything, all the most amazing qualities in the world and if it's the wrong person, you're still not going to get what you need out of the relationship. And you just might be with the wrong person and the right person will appreciate everything that you have to offer. And there's nothing wrong with you. And when you're with the wrong person, it could feel like there's everything wrong with you. And I've been down this row before where my partner would start to criticize every little thing that I did, things that I would wear, things that I would say, the way I would act, everything would be some sort of remark, like, oh, you're doing this, you're

doing that, you're doing that wrong. Like, I don't like the way, like, your lipstick looks on you. I don't know. It would just be these little critiques and it built up over time. And I would always feel like I had everything wrong with me. But the right person will not pick you apart. True love, and I've said this in other episodes too, true love is pure acceptance of your partner. You're taking this person as they are because you love them for who they are. And vice versa, it should be a mutual exchange of acceptance and love and obviously fights happen, arguments happen. It's totally human because that's just how the world works.

But you should not feel like there's something constantly wrong with you and that you're constantly riddled with anxiety and stress from someone else. That's not normal and that's not healthy. So just keep all these things in mind when you're trying to detach and let go of someone. Are they making you feel good? Are they making you feel like the best version of yourself? Are you waking up every day with a smile on your face next to this person or waking up with a text from them and it puts a smile on your face? Is it truly making you happy? Is the relationship really making you a better version of yourself? Or is it bringing you down? I know it's easier said than done. I have been in toxic situations where I was being treated unfairly, I was being disrespected

in my relationships with my partners, and yet I would still stick around thinking that they were going to magically change who they were. But that was just who they were. And there was no changing that. And I actually remember I had a conversation with my older brother years ago about this guy I had been dating. And it was really still very new in the relationship. And I was telling my brother, he's so critical of me and it kind of concerns me. It's a little bit of a red flag, but I really like him and we have fun together and I really enjoy spending time with him. And my brother said something that really stuck with me. He said, that is his character and that is not going to change if you stay with him. I'm just

letting you know and remember that if you decide to pursue this relationship. And he was so right. And I still ignored it because I still needed to figure things out on my own. And I think we each have our own individual destinies and paths. And sometimes we have to learn things the hard way. Anyone could tell you anything and dish out advice to you. I could sit here and give you advice on my podcast all day long, but it's up to you at the end of the day whether you're going to take it or not.

99% of people, if they're not ready to hear advice and they're not ready to take advice, they're not going to act on it and take it. I know for me, I'm very stubborn and if someone's dishing out advice to me about my relationships, there's no fucking way I'm taking it in the moment if I don't want to do it because I know it's my journey and my path. Sometimes we just like to vent and seek advice that we could put in our back pocket for later.

Okay, so if you're not willing to take the advice in the moment, that's also okay. It's human and like I don't think anyone actually takes advice spot on in the moment. You kind of have to apply it when the timing is right for you. But he was right, he was so right, and I kind of put it to the side, put the advice in my back pocket, and throughout the relationship,

I realized that it wasn't going away, and it never really changed. And I learned to live with it because there were other qualities that I loved so much about this person, like to death, where I really, I had really fun times with this person, but it was one thing that was almost like a deal breaker

for the relationship in general, because eventually it started to chip away at myself a steam, and it gave me anxiety, and I would wake up every day and not feel my best. When you start to feel out of your element and you're really losing yourself, it can be really scary, especially if you're in love with someone because you're so attached to the relationship and you're so used to it and you're so comfortable in it that you're

scared to let go. But at the same time, you know that it's not right. It's like this push and pull energy at all times, but it's so important to understand that you deserve to be so, so happy with a partner. That's the norm. You should be happy for the most part. As I said earlier, arguments and fights happen

and there's gonna be bad days here and there. But if you're having 90% of the time, bad days, that's not really healthy. And you could take what you want from it. Everyone goes through seasons, relationship dynamics change all the time. And this doesn't mean your relationship is doomed if you are both mutually willing to work together and grow together and evolve as people together. Anything can be readjusted and energies can definitely shift in relationships. It's totally possible, but if you're not yourself with this person, they did you a favor by walking

away and they did you a favor by leaving the relationship because the person your with should make you feel like an even better version of yourself. You should be so excited and excited about life in general aside from the relationship like when you're with this person and have your own life and independence and freedom and just have fun. Life is so short and you should be enjoying your time with this person. So if you weren't and you were constantly stressed out because they were going out without you,

you felt like they were lying to you, they might be cheating on you, whatever it is, like there's so many different toxic dynamics that can play out. If it wasn't benefiting you and you always felt like you were on edge and not yourself, they did you a favor. And just kind of listing all those things out and really understanding what you actually are attached to really does help the art of

detaching because more often times than not, if it wasn't a good relationship and then you start to really focus on all the things that were wrong about it. It can be a little bit easier to understand why they're not in your life anymore and why you should be letting go. The next thing is do you really believe that there is no one else out there for you? Of course there is and that might be really hard to hear and it's a hard pill to swallow when you're in the midst of a heartbreak because it's so hard to let go

of someone you had a deep connection with. Like yes, you probably did have an amazing connection with this person. There's no doubt about that. And I understand that because when you find a really good deep connection with someone, it makes letting go that much harder. You're in this mentality.

If I'm really never gonna find a connection like this ever again, and it's terrifying because I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself, I'm just gonna be a crazy cat lady that sits at home and drinks tea and talks to my cats while I go insane. Honestly, though, that doesn't even sound that bad to me, but whatever. Okay, so I understand. That's the point I'm trying to make here. I get the whole connection thing, and when someone tells me, you know, like, I just feel like I'm never going to find anyone else like this, and I'm never going to find a connection like this. I'm like,

I get it because I've had some really meaningful connections with partners and when it didn't work out, I was completely devastated. But things always ended up being okay in the end. And if you really believe that there is no one else, that is gonna be your reality because if you're constantly giving yourself that narrative, that is what you're going to attract into your reality. Your thoughts are so powerful and your thoughts can really create your reality.

And I truly believe this because I've definitely manifested so many things in my life that I've thought about and when it actually happens, I'm like, floored because I'm just like, how did that even happen? But it's so true. Your thoughts play such a big part of what's gonna actually happen to you.

Obviously, if you're thinking about something once or twice and it's some crazy shit, like, no, you're fine. Like, it's not gonna be some dangerous situation if you think about something really bad happening to you. It's gonna happen the next day. Manifestation and the law of attraction does not work like that. There is a really significant time buffer

and it really also depends on how much you believe things so I don't want to like scare anyone. But my point is, if you're constantly thinking that there's no one else for you, the universe is literally hearing, there's no one else for me, there's no one else for me. And then you're delaying the process of finding someone who's actually right for you.

And if you need time to heal and you don't want to see or date or talk to anyone for months, that's also totally healthy and fine and take as much time as you need to heal. If you feel like you're not ready to interact with anyone else and you don't want to date for the time being, take that time to yourself. There is no rush and there's no reason to go out and just find someone new if you just went through a breakup. But keep in mind if this person that you're so attached to is willing to walk away from the relationship, do you really think you're going to be alone the rest of your life? Do you really think you deserve that? No, you deserve someone that's going to stand by your side regardless of

what's going on in each other's lives. You're going to be each other's support system. Why are you settling? You cannot settle for someone who doesn't want to make things work with you. You are worthy of so much love and of having someone in your life who's going to fight for you when things get difficult and they're going to want to make their relationship work and stay consistent and stay by your side even if shit gets really, really bad.

If shit gets bad, they're still going to be there. You're not going to have this constant fear of them running out of your life and disappearing when things get rough because if someone really actually truly loves you, they're not going to walk out on you. You need a good support system. You don't want to get stuck with someone that's not going to be a reliable partner. And that's what you deserve. And it's so hard to detach from someone

that you love so much because you can't wrap your head around how someone could do that to you because you would be there for them in any given time because you love them that much. And I've been on this side of things where I'm so deeply in love with someone and they're like, all right, see ya, peace out. I don't want to do this anymore. How could you even do that to me or feel that way?

Because I love you so much and I'm willing to work through anything. But what they're doing is a clear message from the universe. If you really think about it, their actions are showing you something. Their actions are showing you that they're most likely not the right fit for you because they're not matching your energy and what you're willing to give. I believe a partnership should be a two-way street. You should mutually feel the same about each other where you're willing to work things out when things get hard. And if that person's willing to let go so easily,

the universe is saying you deserve better and screaming at you, you deserve better. And it's not to say that things can't work out in the future if this person comes to some realizations and realizes how amazing you are and they start changing their character and changing the way that they treat you. It happens all the time.

People break up and get back together when they've grown and matured and evolved. But you don't want someone that doesn't want you. You don't want someone that's just gonna walk out and disappear on you when shit hits the fan. It's very unattractive to me when someone isn't willing to stick by my side when things get hard. And although I'm hurting in the moment

and I'm in so much pain, there's also this little element of anger where I'm like, it almost fuels me. I try to let it fuel me as much as possible. And that fuel is just kind of saying, you deserve better, you deserve the world. And this person isn't giving you that. So goodbye. Closing the store, closing this chapter and moving on because you're not giving me what I need and what I deserve. And I know there's someone out there that will give me that. So if it's not going to be you, it's time to walk away. And I'm going to slam the door shut. And you could think you had the last word by walking away. But now I'm actually mentally giving myself the closure and walking away also because I deserve so much more.

And that mentality has really helped me let go of certain people. Because even though I was hurting at the time, I also just let it fuel me. And I knew that I was going to level up and just let it be a learning lesson and allow it to teach me what I don't want. When you look at things from that perspective, the universe kind of handing you lessons to teach you more about what you don't want, it's actually really beneficial knowing what you don't want. And I've been through so many different experiences, whether they're short-term relationships or long-term, where I've kind of weeded out these certain things that

I thought I wanted, that now I realize that I don't. And this might be a little bit of a shallow example, but I also made a TikTok video about this a long time ago and there was some controversy around it. But I was basically saying that I used to go for the hottest guy I could find. That sounds so silly and shallow and childish, so I apologize in advance for saying that out loud, but it's true. I loved these model-looking guys that were tall,

that had abs that went to the gym 10 times a week, and they had just certain physical qualities that I liked. And it almost felt really good if I actually was with someone that was that attractive because I was like, oh, I have a really attractive guy. And that sounds so cringey to me now. Why was I even in that head space? But I think it was this concept

of just validating myself. I wanted to always validate who I was. And that validation to me was if I get the hottest guy, that means I'm really attractive too. And that sounds so ridiculous, but I think I wasn't really thinking of that in the moment as I was trying to go for the hottest guy, but now looking back,

I think that's exactly what I was trying to accomplish. And now I'm at the point of my life where I'm not looking at your physical qualities. I'm not looking at if you go to the gym every day because that's just silly. I'm looking for someone whose soul is beautiful. I'm looking for someone that I have a deep and meaningful soulful connection with that I can grow with. That makes me truly happy. That makes me a better version of myself.

And that's why I kind of said you really have to go through this with, that makes me truly happy, that makes me a better version of myself. And that's why I kind of said you really have to go through this person's qualities and try to figure out what you actually are so attached to. Because if they're not giving you that deep, soulful connection, it's not even worth it. It's not worth fighting for. It's not worth clinging onto because there's going to be someone out there that will give you that. It's not about just like the surface level. Oh, I can hang out and spend time with this person we get along. It's like this feeling. I can't really explain it into words. It's just a feeling where. Your souls are a match made in heaven. Your souls are intertwined. It doesn't matter what this person looks like on the outside to you.

It's literally what's on the inside. And that's might sound cheesy to some people, but... I've met very few people in my life where I felt like our souls were connected and those were the best relationships I've had. And it wasn't about the physical qualities. It wasn't about if they were a nice... Obviously, these are important, like a nice person or a caring person.

Like these are basic human qualities that are obviously important. It was just this other feeling that I had that made me feel like so safe. And like I had known this person for a million lifetimes before. And I truly believe everyone has a soulmate. Maybe they feel free to disagree. I just, I'm a soulmate, maybe like, they feel free to disagree. I just, I'm a hopeless romantic at times and I really believe that.

So yeah, if you're not getting that deep, soulful connection with a partner and you're still clinging onto them, I just truly believe there is someone better out there for you that you're not willing to open your heart up to yet because you're still hanging on to someone that's not there for you that you're not willing to open your heart up to yet because you're still hanging on to someone that's not good for you. But I understand and I understand how difficult

to can be to let go and everyone moves at their own pace and everyone moves at their own timing. So you have to let go and detach when it feels right for you. But once you actually decide to and you make that conscious decision that you are done, it feels so empowering and so fucking good. It feels incredible to know that you're really done with something that's no longer serving your best interest.

The feeling is euphoric. I swear, when I realized with my last relationship, I was ready to close the door. I felt so alive. I don't even know how to describe it, but it was just, I felt like myself again. I was ready to take on the fucking world because I knew that finally I trusted the universe in guiding me in the right direction. So once you're ready to get to that point, it's going to be amazing. And I can guarantee you that. Okay, so I think that concludes today's episode.

I really hope that was helpful. I hope you guys enjoyed it. I have so much fun recording these for you and hopefully inspiring you and helping you through your healing process and through your own individual journeys. I love you. Thank you so much for listening and stay tuned for the next one.