Date Yourself Instead - How to stop being attracted to the wrong people ft. Haley Hoffman Smith

Episode Date: March 24, 2024

I'm so excited to introduce you to my BFF and spiritual EFT coach, Haley Hoffman Smith. In this episode, we cover one of the most important questions - How do I stop getting attracted to the wrong people? Attracitng the wrong people can be a COMMON pattern, and something that happens over and over again - to the point where you start questioning if it's your own doing. Haley dives into the power of our subconscious mind and how healing our subconscious can actually help us heal these toxic patterns. Haley's social links: Instagram & Tiktok and her podcast: Big Conversations Want to detach and let go of what's no longer serving you? JOIN DARE TO DETACH MASTERCLASS Remember you can always use code SELFLOVE for $20 off. Doors open again March 19th, 2024.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. I'm so excited to be here with my best friend, Haley. Haley is an EFT coach, a spiritual self-love guru on Instagram and TikTok. And she's also a singer and songwriter and an author. And she also has a podcast called Big Conversations. You have so many talents and so many layers to you.

And I'm so happy we're finally doing this, because I feel like so many people have asked us to Collaborate more. I know and you came in my podcast two times. I Think so. Yeah, and we tried Conversation. Oh, well, tell them the story about last time we tried it guys. We tried to record for Haley's podcast Maybe it was like last year maybe six months ago in the summer Yeah, and we get to the studio and it was like in the summer, yeah. And we get to the studio and I'm like,

oh, do you want an iced coffee before whatever? So we order iced coffee right before the session and the entire first 30 minutes of us trying to record, we could not stop laughing. We just had like- Like hysterically tears streaming down our face. I'd gone to spray tan that day. So I was like trying to stop the tears because it was ruining

everything. It was like, you know, when you're in class, when you're a kid and something is like not even that funny, but because you can't laugh or shouldn't laugh, you can't stop laughing. It was kind of like that. We were like, can we get it together, please? We could not control ourselves at all. We were sobbing. We have the audio from it and we like are not okay.

We keep starting again. Okay, like we take a moment to compose our songs. Yeah, and that's the thing I think also about just like doing podcasts with your best friends. It's like harder to be professional. So true. I feel like I just couldn't hold it together and we were just sobbing the whole time and like could not get a word out.

Then we had to switch the topic because the topic we were talking about, I like it was just not even relevant. Like yeah it was just not meant to be. The whole thing was messed anyways. So hopefully this will go much better. Yeah let's stay strong. We're drinking coffee but it's not ice this time so maybe that was the defining factor. Yeah 100%. So okay the first thing is everyone's been asking how we met and how we became friends. Oh, I love this story. And so Haley and I met through social media. I saw her videos through TikTok during COVID. I don't know, you kind of knew who I was before too though.

Yeah, it's the weirdest thing because basically my life went through a huge shift in 2020, which is when I moved to New York City. In 2019, I'd started like EFT tapping and a lot of subconscious rewiring. So I feel like I have lived like two very distinct separate lives. But in 2019, I remember back when I lived in Denver, I stumbled across Alyssa's Instagram. And I remember being like,

oh my God, those girls' photos are amazing because it was all your travel photos. And so I have a very distinct memory of exactly where I was in my living room, like looking through your Instagram, which is so funny. That's so crazy. Yeah. And so when you messaged me on TikTok, I was like, oh my gosh, I think this is the girl whose Instagram I'd seen that one time.

And I think we asked, should we get dinner? Yeah. We ended up meeting up for dinner and stayed for like four hours. And I was like, oh my like we clicked instantly. Yeah. Instantly. Well, also there's like a part of that story that I think is so funny because so I didn't know who you were until covid and then I was on tik tok and then I was watching your tik toks come up during like a time in my life where I was just going through some sort of spiritual awakening

I was leaving a relationship, and I didn't know what I was doing with my work, and your videos were all about self-love and spirituality and all that stuff, and I was like, oh my God, I think I would really get along with this girl. But at the time, my TikTok was like a shit show. My content would not reflect who I am as a person,

I feel like. I mean, it was bits and pieces, but it was more like comedy, and I was telling dating stories, and I was just going off the rails, like talking about random crazy things, and you're just talking about spirituality and manifestation.

I'm like, okay, if I message this girl and say, let's hang out, I didn't know if you were gonna want to hang out. Oh, that's so sad. No, because I was like, she's probably gonna look at my videos and be like, this girl's a psychopath. You were doing like your Carrie Bradshaw character.

Yeah, I was putting on like a bit because it in one video. Yeah. No, one video went viral. Also, I think I should clear this up right now because I feel like also so many people have made this comment like, oh, she's a wannabe Carrie Bradshaw sex in the city. And at that time, I was just having fun with TikTok and I did what stuck. And when I had posted the original sex in the city bit that I did on TikTok, it went viral. So if you see something going viral, you're going to run with it. You're going to take a research baby.

Yeah. So that's kind of how I ended up doing that for a while. And then I started getting shit on and roasted on and bullied. Really? So I was like, I gotta do something else. Not just because of that, just because it didn't feel authentic to who I really am and who I wanted to be in my work. So that's so funny.

Yeah. So I'm glad you took the leap of faith and grabbed dinner with me. The leap of faith and grabbed dinner with. The leap of faith. It's so, no, it was, it's really cool because like, especially navigating like friendships and making friends and why do I feel so weird saying adulthood? Okay, I guess I have an adult one. That was so weird. I felt like I was a teenager again for a second. But like you meet a lot of people and then some people you super click with and you and

I just, and I was like, we're going to be best be best friends like I just knew it. Yeah I felt the same I feel like it's all so weird because I felt like I knew that before we met up and it's hard to find really genuine people through social media I feel like that's not the way I would usually meet people or make friends. Yeah. But here we are. We are. Here we are. And we are bonded. We are bonded. We have really carried each other through some times.

Yeah. And I think we're going to get into it a little bit on today's episode, which is how to stop being attracted to the wrong people and what you could do about it. And I think this would be very useful for a lot of people listening to the podcast. I'm really excited to talk about this because as Liz briefly mentioned, I am like a subconscious breakthrough coach. I'm an EFT practitioner and I'm so interested in the dynamics that we seek out and or attract or find ourselves attracted to in relationships. And honestly, like in all facets of life, like not just relationships, it can be anything, it could be in your career,

but for the sake of today's podcast episode around relationships and the type of love that we believe that we deserve and the type of patterns that keep showing up time and time again, it's always subconscious. Like when we find ourselves in a pattern that has not been working for us,

it's usually because there's a deeper dynamic or layer that wants to be healed of our perception of what relationships should be. Yeah. And when we take it from that angle, I just think it makes so much make sense. So I guess if to anyone listening,

I invite you to consider like, what are the main patterns that have been coming up for you in terms of the type of partner that you keep attracting or that keeps coming in. And obviously, it's probably someone you don't like. I'm sure the dynamic hasn't been working out that well, right? Yeah. And that's not your fault. A lot of times, it's like, I get it consciously. Why do I keep going back to this person or why do I keep putting up with this? But it feels like a deeper compulsion.

And it's because it's a subconscious pattern. And your subconscious is more concerned with your safety than your happiness, which means that it is attracted to what feels familiar. So if something, if a dynamic feels familiar, even though you know it's also making you miserable, your subconscious is gonna go back to that every single time until you recognize it and shift it. And there's nothing wrong with that.

And the subconscious isn't like, oh, let's ruin our lives by going back to this person time and time again. It's basically just like if a computer had a bug in the system, the computer wouldn't know what was wrong with it, right? It would just keep playing the bug with the programming. It's the same in the subconscious.

So I wanted to set the scene for this conversation with that because I just think it's so interesting to have a subconscious breakthrough around it, to peel back the layers and the roots and to know that you're not broken, and you can heal it, and you can clear it, and start attracting something else. But it's absolutely the result of the subconscious, because the subconscious rules 95% of our reality, which is really crazy. Wow.

Yeah. That was a TED talk, right there. Two steps in my cappuccino. Holy shit. I'm literally mind blown. I couldn't talk since I started. I was like, much you know? Holy shit. I'm literally mind blown. I've been talking since I started. I was like, what's happening? I know, but honestly, that was amazing. That was truly amazing. And I'm sure everyone that's listening is mind blown right now.

So yeah, that's, it's so wild how your subconscious actually rules most of your life and everything you perceive around you, but you don't even think about it because it's your subconscious mind. So you're not actively thinking about that on a daily basis, but you have to think about it if you want to reprogram anything. Yes. I just think it helps so much make sense. Like I'm obsessed with subconscious breakthroughs. I'm always doing them on myself, like a journal every single morning. Obviously, like I work as a coach one on one, and then I have my group sessions. And it's my favorite work. I feel like Nancy Drew peeling back the layers.

Where did this come from? And then you have the aha moment of like, oh my gosh, wait, this is so interesting. This person that I keep going back to, my relationship with them is so much like my relationship with my dad, my relationship with my mom, with my first boyfriend, with the relationships I always have in my friendships.

And so a good thing that you can look for is where you tend to say the word always. Like, oh, this always happens to me. Like how things are always, they always start off hot and heavy and it's like honeymoon period and then they always peace out. Or I always attract inconsistent partners

or hot and cold partners. That word always is so juicy because then it's your belief and your expectation that that is what you're going to attract. And your subconscious also kind of likes self-fulfilling prophecies because it feels safe, right? If you have only attracted one type of relationship your entire life, and it's one that's been tumultuous and up and down, and then you meet somebody who's super healthy and the dynamic between the two of you is like perfect. And the other shoe doesn't drop. You're always gonna be wondering, oh my God, but the other shoe is gonna drop. Oh, but this is where they usually

pull away. Oh, this is where they're usually inconsistent. Why are they being consistent? And it can feel super, super, super uncomfortable. Yeah, that's crazy. That word always, because I say that a lot. I just realized like when you said that, I think we all have patterns in our relationships. Obviously, it's human and I think we all go through different cycles with different types of people, but they all have similar themes. And unless you actively work on it to heal it, it's going to repeat itself and the cycles always going to repeat itself. And I found that with my last three serious relationships.

And I don't, I haven't really dived too deep into this, but my last three relationships, there was a very distinct pattern and it was like religious issues and religious differences between me and my partner. And it happened every single time with every single serious boyfriend. And then I would have like situationship situationships in between or I would be seeing other people that I had no religious differences with but it just didn't work out for other reasons but whenever I got very serious with someone it was always this matter of differences in like how we perceive the world as far as religion went. And I think it was some sort of karmic pattern that I just, I had my whole life where I don't

know if this was just my purpose to say, you know what, like religion actually is a really big deal when it comes to love. And I have to like take that into consideration when I date. But it just so happened all three of my relationships panned out that way, which is so wild. And now it's like, I always used to say, I always attract someone where we're different religions. Like, I always attract someone where there's like a huge difference in values, but everything else is perfect. And I somehow ended up in the same situation three times, which is wild, because I've never

really met anyone in a situation like that before. No, and it's interesting as you're saying this because the quote that's coming to mind is a pretty famous quote by Carl Jung that says, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you'll call it fate. So you keep saying, it just so happened. No. I chose, I chose. I made the choice. You subconsciously chose though. Yes. Right? Because I think that's so important because there's always a level or a layer of like, well, why do I keep doing this?

And there's no need to be hard on yourself about it. It's just about the awareness. Yeah. Like, interesting. I haven't been liking this. Sounds like I'm picking out the way that I want it to. Let's look deeper. Let's clear it from the root so that I start calling in something different.

Yeah. Like you as conscious list, like you haven't done anything wrong. You've just been seeking love. For sure. That's, wow. Yeah, I mean, also that resonates a lot because I remember even the last time I chose, obviously we make a choice when we get

into a relationship with someone. And we could have feelings about it before we go in that can kind of predict the dynamic of what's going to happen. Like when you meet someone and you start to get to know them, you kind of sense if they're going to be good for you or not. But sometimes you'll just dismiss all those red flags because there's attraction there, there's chemistry there, and that's really hard to ignore.

But I remember when I met my last boyfriend and I knew from the beginning that this wasn't a pattern I wanted to repeat. But the attraction and the chemistry was so strong and it overpowered the logic. And that's, I think, what's something that people struggle with a lot is you have such a spark with someone, but you still know it's wrong. And how to navigate that is the hardest thing ever because feelings are very overpowering sometimes. It's like the Selena Gomez song, the heart wants what it wants. True word, Selena.

Yeah, I completely get that. I think it's also though to dig deeper there, and I don't have the answers here, but it's something I've definitely been considering. People always say like, when you have butterflies in your stomach around somebody, that's not always a good sign. Like you should feel like sure and certain and stable.

But it makes me wonder like, well, what is chemistry and the spark? Because I completely believe like two people can have like incredible compatibility. And obviously there's chemistry that's like energetic, but is there a dynamic of a relationship that you can enter where part of the attraction is because it feels so familiar and so that's mistaken as chemistry and it feels like, ooh, this hurts so good. This feels just like the

other person I had so much chemistry with who was super hot and cold with me or was super unavailable, but the highs were so high. Like that's something else is when we look at media, when we look at TV shows and movies and the things that we've watched our entire lives, what is super interesting on the screen is a dynamic of a relationship where it's super hot and cold. Think about Chuck and Blair in Gossip Girl.

They're the most compelling characters on that show from a romantic perspective because it's so intense. So like, I can't live without you and yet we can't make it work. Like the tug of war, the push and pull. And so we're used to seeing conflict played out like that on the screen. And we're used to believing that like great love means there has to be some struggle or there has to be like some one person running away where one person stays consistent but your heart still always beats for the other person. And we don't have a lot of examples on television of a love that's like you meet, you fall in

love, you're honest about how you feel, both of you are consistent, you both do the work and that doesn't mean you're two perfect humans but you do the work to be together and you're both choosing each other every day. Like I think there's, for a lot of us, that seems boring or impossible, or you do stumble across it and you're like, I don't know about this. Like I'm not getting the spark. I'm not feeling the chemistry. I'm not feeling the excitement. Yeah. Because like your nervous system is safe. Yeah. Yeah. I just told you about that show one day on Netflix that just came out. I'm so scared to watch it because I've seen stuff on TikTok, people saw me.

I was bawling my eyes out, but it's that dynamic of one person not being ready and the other waiting essentially in a waiting energy. Obviously, she had her own life. I'm not going to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, but it's an amazing show. It's called One Day and it's all over TikTok and went viral and whatever. But basically, the dynamic was that push and pull and that up and down roller coaster and two young people navigating a relationship for 10 plus years. And it's such a hard watch because it's so relatable. And I feel like so many people have gone through something like this before.

And we think that's just how life is and how relationships should be and how it's become normalized almost. And as you just said, if you're continuously watching that your whole life on TV and movies and whatever, it's programmed in your brain that relationships should be complicated. And I definitely have felt that way for sure.

Like looking at other relationships and movies and seeing even like the notebook, right? That's like the biggest relationship movie of all time where they had to separate for years and years in order to find their way back to each other. And just that intensity. Like, is that healthy? Is that normal? Like, I feel like it's a beautiful story. And I like, I'm obsessed with that movie. But at the same time, is that painting these like, unrealistic expectations for us in relationships where we're just like, okay, it should be really hard,

but eventually that's what's normal. Right. I think The Notebook is a really good love story for the sake of the fact that Noah and Ali both know they wanna be together and they're both insanely in love with each other. And there's no qualms about actually being together. It's just other forces at play, right? Like with Ali's family and then they got separated.

But he still wrote her a letter every single day for a year. You know what I mean? Also, I saw the notebook musical recently last week and that entire time I was like, this movie, they're like, this story would be so different in modern day because you could just, like every day it's like the last letters.

But yeah, but I see what you mean, right? Like there always has to be like in the love stories that capture a hot spot in the cinema on the big screen. There's always a type of like tension or dynamic where they do have to separate. But that's like one of the greatest love stories of all time because they're both available and open and they're diving in with their full hearts.

Whereas like the other dynamic that often occurs is this dynamic between people who tend to be anxiously attached and those who tend to be avoidantly attached. Avoidantly, is that even a way, whatever. Avoidant attachment where, as you said, one person is ready, one person isn't. One person craves intimacy

and really wants constant reassurance. The other person feels really afraid of it. And this is where I also want to go back to the subconscious piece because it's so easy to vilify, because I'm an anxious attachment, and a lot of people are, right? It's so easy to vilify somebody who's avoidant, like, oh my gosh, why don't they want love? Why are they always pulling away from me? Why are they sometimes secure with me and sometimes not? But it's also a split second subconscious decision on their end to pull away. So they experience it as, oh my gosh, I feel like they're coming on too strong or things are moving too quickly.

To them, they have their own set of past experiences and dynamics that they were raised around. They have their own trauma that makes them, without consciously thinking, let me pull away, feel this discomfort in their body that causes them to act that way. Remember, it's like 95% subconscious. And so I just think that's important for not thinking like, oh my gosh, it's me. It must be that they're always pulling away from me

because I'm not worthy and I'm not worth it. No, that's just something that they have to handle and they have to heal on their own that has nothing to do with you. The only thing that's worth considering here is why is this a dynamic that keeps coming up in your life? What are the deeper patterns and roots? And something you can ask yourself is, how would I describe to a small child the way that this is making me feel? And then you can really get to the heart of like, what in your subconscious is speaking up here? Is

it, I feel like I'm not enough. I feel like I'm always chasing them. I feel like I'm always like waiting in the middle of the bridge and they never come and meet me. Like find the metaphor, find the symbolism and then trace it back. When is the first time in your life you felt this way? And you'll start to see the pattern unfold. And it could be from, again, anything.

A lot of times it's like early child parent dynamics. What, like the way that you were raised because your parents did the best they could, but they definitely had their own wounds, right? Everyone's trying to figure it out, or it could be from friendships or a first relationship. But once you find the pattern, then you'll realize, okay, this isn't so much... If it's not like this in the 3D, the conscious, they're looking at me saying, I don't love them because they're not good enough. It's not anything about me as a person or my worth. It's a pattern that we're both playing

out. And now I get to choose. I get to take the pen back in my hands and be like, I don't want this to be my love story. I'm not okay with this. I'm super protective over my inner child. I want to choose something else. And it's up to me to choose something else. And that means I can't choose this because I can't change that person. The only thing that I can change is myself by going back and looking at the subconscious patterns that are playing out and rewiring them and choosing again and choosing something different for the sake of myself. Woo!

Woo! Wow. Wow. Really gets you going. No, honestly, I'm so impressed and like mind blown because everything you're saying is so, it's like so profound. And I, we have this joke sometimes when we text, like Haley's like Buddha.

I'm just like, you just channel these like spiritual gurus. And I'm like, this is insane. Like this is so- I get like so passionate about it too. Like I just feel it come up and I'm like, I have so much to say. I just want everybody to live the best life possible. I feel like you have a gift of channeling spirit

and just knowing the right things to say. And also, I was gonna ask you, because when you described being avoidant, I actually felt a lot of those qualities within myself and that's really interesting because in some relationships, in the relationships I've been in, I've been anxious. But when I'm around certain people that I'm dating and I know that I'm not really sure if I want anything, I'm the avoidant one. So I'm just fascinated. Can you be both? Yeah. So there is an attachment style called disorganized where you exhibit traits of both. Oh, wow. I definitely do.

And I definitely think it depends on the relationship. In my relationship now, it's a very, very healthy relationship. And I noticed that I tend to be avoidant because I'm not used to things being so healthy and always so stable and secure. And so I have to notice that, and I have to catch myself and be like, okay, wow, why am I pulling away? And look deeper and be like, okay, there's part of me that feels like maybe it's not safe to perceive and stay

in intimacy and deep connection. But then I'm doing the subconscious breakthroughs with myself, and I'm healing it and I'm shifting it, but I have been in both situations and in both places. And I think sometimes, I'm, as I say this out loud, sometimes we can be avoidant in some relationships because we were so anxious in past relationships and we're so afraid of feeling that way again.

Where if we've been in so many traumatic relationships where we never felt like we had the other person, there can be a fear when things are good that yeah, the other shoe's gonna drop. This is too good to be true. This isn't gonna last. Therefore, I need to protect myself, therefore I need to protect myself and I need to protect myself

by like pulling away ahead of time. Have you ever been in a relationship where you knew it was really, really bad for you but you just couldn't control yourself and you just felt like the need, like you couldn't pull away no matter what you did? Yeah, and I also feel like in that type of like on off, up down relationship where you know it's not good for you,

I realized that I was like seeking out a fulfillment of a potential where I'd already put so much time and energy and effort into it and so much like hope and belief into it that I couldn't like rectify or like in my mind come to terms with the fact that like clearly it would never be what I wanted it to be or it would never suddenly become healthy. Like it wasn't like all the stars would align and suddenly it'd be a secure relationship that was going to happen the way I wanted it to. I had to realize like this is

a sunk cost and my subconscious is still fiending for like no but like it was supposed to be this way, it was supposed to be this way. I put in all this time and effort and all this hope and it didn't get there. Okay, we'll leave it behind. There's nothing you can do about that. Like it's like, if you are going to invest in a house, but the house is like absolutely falling apart because it's on unstable grounds. Like imagine a house that's built on top of like quicksand, right? And so you keep saying, well, no, let me just rebuild the house. I'll just rebuild it again and again. Oh, it's falling down again. It's like getting sunk into the ground. Let me just keep rebuilding again and again and again. I feel like I have to now I put in all these years or all these months into rebuilding this house. It doesn't matter because you're

building it on unshaky foundation, right? Yeah. The only thing that you can do in that case is realize like, I just need to move forward. I just need to, I need to leave this behind. And it's hard to leave things behind when they feel unfinished in your mind. But that's where you have to be so protective over yourself and so protective. Like think about the inner, your inner child, like the child within you. And if that's hard for you to think about, think about like another small child or somebody that you really love. And would you want them to live through the relationship dynamic that you have been living through? Would you want that type of love for them? And you have to just snap into like, I deserve better. I deserve better and really come to like

that reconciliation with yourself and with your inner child and be like, it's okay, I'm here and I'm going to protect you from ever feeling this way again. And it's okay that you were pursuing this for as long as you were. And it's okay that you fell in love. And it's okay that you got your heart broken because you're human. And you're trying to figure things out and live through those experiences and you learn so much about yourself. But maybe that entire experience happens so that you could pinpoint and find like the root, the cause of the subconscious pattern and clear it from the roots so that you can actually call in the love that's meant for you and the love that you deserve. Yeah, I think sometimes you have to hit the lowest

point in order to rebuild your entire life. Like you have to rebuild your subconscious mind from the ground up and sometimes it takes a breaking point or a really, really bad relationship in order to get there, in order to actually face it head on and say, you know what, I need to heal this, I can't do this anymore. And I feel like I'm the type of person who needs to be, I was going to say it very, I was going to be very dramatic. Like I need to be slapped across the face a few times, but like I need to be kind of slapped across the face a few times with the truth in order to really be shaken up and woken up.

Sometimes that's just what you need. Yeah. Sometimes you need to go back and you need to repeat the pattern in order to get tired of it and be like, this is fucking enough, I'm done. Yeah, because that in a form, in a way is like a form of rewiring, right? Because sometimes when you're trying to leave something, you look back and you're thinking about like,

oh, but it always felt so amazing and here's this good memory and here's this good memory. If you need to, sometimes you need to have some more bad memories added in. So every good memory is tinned to it like, okay, well, yeah, it felt good then, but then the next thing that happens, I was crushed and then I spent the night crying or my friends had to talk me off of a ledge of like, once again, going back to this. Sometimes you have to see that clearly, but remember, your brain is only going to find

the evidence based off what like you're focusing on and That's where we tend to get in trouble because when we feel deep love for somebody and we really want to make it work And we want to like be with them We're gonna keep looking for the evidence of like oh But I felt like we worked really well in this dynamic or I remember what they said six years You know look for all the positive evidence because that's what your heart wants, but it's also really important to have a freaking reality check. And like, if you need to sit down and write a long list of every single bad thing

that's happened and every single way that you've been mistreated and every single moment that you did not feel okay in the relationship. So you can see it all list out in front of you because otherwise your brain is going to keep like shining in a spotlight on the positive evidence more so than the negative evidence. Oh, for sure. And I'm the type of person that's so forgetful. So like if someone wrongs me in two days, I'm like, whatever, it's fine. Let's just make sense because we seek resolution. Yeah. We want things to feel okay, right?

Yeah, of course. It's an actual like primal need, belonging and love and community and like feeling okay with another person. We don't, it feels uncomfortable to sit in deep conflict and to have our heart broken. So if there's a potential reassurance for the feeling of heartache, if the person's like, oh, I didn't mean it like that, or here's some half-assed excuse, that's like really not an excuse at all, but you're like, okay, that's good enough. Yeah. In the back of your mind, you're like, this isn't quite it. But of course, like you're like, okay, that's good enough. Yeah, in the back of your mind, you're like, this isn't quite it, but of course,

like you're feening for that comfort. Yeah. That's like a biological need is to feel that comfort. And like, it's so interesting, the brain on heartbreak, because you have all of these neural pathways in your brain devoted to this person. And when you are breaking up or even considering like leaving them or something goes wrong with them.

Every single neural pathway in your brain basically is going through this process that's akin to overcoming a drug addiction. So Amy Chan is the author of Breakup Bootcamp and I did a segment with her on NBCLX a few years ago and she put it in the most interesting way and she said you need to think about your ex or it could be your ex-situationship as your drug dealer, because your brain is literally fiending for

it for those feel good chemicals, but the serotonin of being in love, the oxytocin, all of it, like those feelings of connectedness. And when you don't have that anymore because you're cutting it off or they are acting up or whatever, it's like, it's an addiction. It's like a need. And to know that that's like just your brain going through that process, like, is so important because you don't need to listen to the need and then go back to them. You don't need to listen to the need and then like overlook what they did. Know that every single moment of pain, every single moment of like, oh my God, but I miss them, but this hurts, this is hard, everything reminds me of them.

That's actually your brain in the process of rewiring. Because it's used to going down that neural pathway of let me find feelings of comfort, this hurts, this is hard, everything reminds me of them. That's actually your brain in the process of rewiring. Because it's used to going down that neural pathway of let me find feelings of comfort, love, excitement, romance, thinking about this person. And now it obviously can't because it's like, oh wait, let me catch up with the truths here and the things that have happened

and the fact that we broke up or the fact that they did X, Y, Z or the fact that I really need to move on from this. And it's rewiring your brain with every single moment of pain. Which by the way, you don't need to go through an insane amount of pain. That's where EFT tapping comes in, and that's where I will always preach tapping because you will be able to shift and move out of pain really quickly. It's all about changing your perspective and rewiring your brain by releasing painful emotions,

but that's what's happening in your brain when that happens. Yeah. I was about to ask you if you wanted to explain a little bit more about what tapping actually is, because a lot of people might be confused. Yeah, totally. And then also like why you think it's just so beneficial to people who are healing and going through a breakup. And I know for me, I didn't know what tapping was before I met Haley, and she introduced it to me a couple of years ago when I was going through probably the worst year of my entire life. And it changed everything. It really did. And it takes

time. I think healing takes time, but I think combined with a lot of things like that I was trying to do, I think it was the perfect way to release a lot of the emotions that had been stored in my body. And I still tap now all the time for anything. You could tap for literally anything. It doesn't even have to apply to breakups and relationships, but I'm going to let you explain a little bit more about what it is. Yeah. It's also like the feeling of relief it gives you like immediately when you're tapping.

Yeah, because you're diverting your thoughts and you're not so consumed in the energy and the emotion of what you're tapping on because you're like tapping it out essentially. Yeah. So it is like a form of clearing. So EFT stands for emotional freedom technique. And it's basically a form of acupressure where you're just lightly tapping on meridian points. So think about acupuncture. You go and you get these little micro needles put into certain meridian points of the body. It's based in Chinese medicine. So in tapping, we are lightly tapping on meridian points on the front of the eyebrow, side of the eye, underneath the eye and the collarbone. I have

a little EFT DIY YouTube video if anybody is interested on my YouTube or I have a pinned video on my TikTok about how I use tapping and what the points are. But as you tap on these points, it basically rebalances your energy and the emotion in your body. So when you think about something you're stressed about, it puts your body in a state of emotional disturbance, right? Like your heart's beating a little bit faster. You can definitely feel when you're upset, whether you're heartbroken, stressed, whatever it is. As you tap, it's rebalancing and releasing those emotions, emotional freedom technique. So the reason it's so powerful for

rewiring is because our subconsciouses are logs of every... I mean, subconsciouses. What the heck? Our subconscious minds are logs of everything that's ever, ever, ever happened to us. So say that you have an early memory of your very, very, very first boyfriend. Did some consciousness, did that really get to you? No, I just realized like, why am I eating? Sorry, guys. You're looking for a berry, like she's looking for popcorn. Sorry. I'll put that on a show.

I'll entertain you. I'm just chewing on some berries. No worries. Watch me talk. Okay, so imagine that in your very, very first relationship, you were like 11 years old, right? And one day your partner broke up with you, but they broke up with you through a friend and just stopped talking to you, okay? So something that like happened so long ago, you wouldn't think it affects you at all in your daily life now because

you're 11 years old. But if I told you to go back and relive like your first heartbreak, you would be able to feel it in your body no matter how long ago it was. Like my first heartbreak was at age 11. And then I remember the first cut is the deepest by Cheryl Crow. It wasn't like an insane heartbreak, but like my first breakup with. Okay. I was like, that's very young to go through a heartbreak. Oh my God. 11 years old. That's insane. I was in sixth grade. I dated a guy.

I dated what? It's like when you say you're dating somebody but you only talk through your friends. Yeah. Oh my God. And then they break up and you're like. It was the first time you felt emotion from. The first time I liked a boy and we broke up

and I was sad. I wasn't yet heartbroken, I'm dead. Anyways, but you can still go back and you can find that pain. You can still feel those feelings of rejection, like whatever's associated with it. And if you can feel it as you go back and you think about that memory, if you can know that it still bothers you, you're still carrying it with you. And because it's something that is present in your space, it's something you're attracting, right? And like whatever you took to believe about yourself from that initial memory is held in place by the emotion.

Emotion is how we remember things. Like, have you ever had a friend say, oh, do you remember when you said XYZ and you literally don't remember that at all? It's because you didn't have a strong emotion attached to it. So you don't remember things unless you have strong emotions with it, whether it's like, yeah, feeling euphoria and happiness or something was really funny,

or super significant. Holy shit, that's mind blowing information. Because you I never even thought about that. Yeah, it's like you don't run. I have the worst memory. But the only things I really do remember are when something really emotionally impacted me. Yes, emotional impact or something that your brain deemed as significant. Wow. Yeah. So it's still there and your brain is thinking, I need to remember this. I need to remember this because this was emotionally significant.

So I'm just going to go ahead and hold on to it. And then because it's holding on to it and it hasn't really been healed from the root, you start to attract similar experiences because we get more of what we're feeling and what we're thinking about. And it's the brain's reticular activating system, which is looking for patterns to reaffirm what we already believe. We're always looking for evidence of what we already believe.

Oh, yeah. All the time. We need to make another episode tied to manifestation because we could probably talk about that for hours. But every time you start focusing on something, more of it will show up in your life. tied to manifestation because we could probably talk about that for hours, but Every time you start focusing on something more of it will show up in your life And I don't think a lot of people actually realize that and that's why if you're constantly Rehashing painful memories of something and keep attracting toxic people and things and similar situations into your life It's probably because you're focused on it all the time

Yeah, and but then you fall into the trap of, see, this always happens to me. Yeah. Always. Yep. Yeah, right? I mean, I'm guilty of that. No, I know, but it's so normal. And we forgot about these things until we have these conversations and like come back to,

oh yeah, actually the brain's just doing its brain thing, right? But then you're seeking out more and more and more evidence of this initial experience of hurt. And so you keep having more situations that happen, you keep reading or watching things on TV that like reaffirm whatever the original belief was about relationships in this case.

So with tapping, what you can do is literally go back to the initial memory and you can close your eyes, go there, remember what it was like to be there, see whatever you remember. If you see something, if you hear something, if you feel an emotion, if you feel a sensation, and then you can tap and it clears the emotional significance of the memory and then you can rewire it and you can rewire it to believe something completely different. You can even

distort the memory and you can imagine something else happened because it was so long ago, it doesn't matter if you imagine that something else happened or not, right? That doesn't mean you're going to suddenly have amnesia. A part of your conscious mind is going to still remember, right, like what actually happened. But as long as your subconscious is like reprogrammed and up to date on what you would have rather have had happen or a new perspective on it, then there's just an element of peace. And it's so magical as you tap and as you go through the rounds of tapping, how the new perspective shows up kind of on its own. Because as you release like the hurt and the rejection,

you'll start to be like, okay, I can kind of see how maybe I saw this wrong or that's what actually led to something else. It creates that feeling of deep peace. Anyways, since that was the root, the first experience, that's the root of the neural pathway, and it actually dissolves the rest of the neural pathway. As you clear the first experience,

it clears all the ones that are related to it. Healing is like layers of an onion, so you might have to heal the same thing many times. There might be a little juicy edge on it where many years later, maybe you were in college and you had a similar relationship experience, but it was way more intense than obviously like when you were 11. Same like remnants or same feelings, but way more intense. You're just going to go through and you are going to tap on those memories and you're

going to clear them and you clear things so quickly. Like truly in my 90 minute slingshot sessions, we are clearing three blocks over the course of those 90 minutes and they don't even necessarily need to be 90 minutes long. That's just like the subconscious breakthrough part of it. But as you start to clear these things and integrate new beliefs, things start happening so quickly. People have told me, I manifested my fiance after doing like the Manifest Your Healthy Love Slingshot session like immediately after always being in like an unhealthy relationship actually with that person. Yeah. And their relationship changed because of that work. Or you know, someone was always anxious in relationships and then immediately called in a dream partner in a healthy relationship and have they've been in the relationship literally ever since. I just heard

from them last week on Valentine's Day to update their testimonial and they said that. And it's all that changed was releasing the initial emotion and the belief and rewiring a new belief. And a huge part of that too is imagining what you would rather have happened. Like what is actually the best case scenario of what could unfold from here? And can you create mental mind movies of the relationship that you would rather experience or how it could feel in a good relationship. And I'll always just say for that, unless you're in a relationship currently that you're hoping to improve, I invite you to be nonspecific in terms of envisioning a happy future with somebody. Put in anything. Just imagine how it would feel to be in that relationship and try not to be specific about that one person who you've never really been able to make it work with or whatever.

Like be open to this or something better because the universe can bring someone in and completely surprise you like someone so much better and somebody who's like up to date and on your new vibrational frequency now that you've healed and released the old pattern. Yeah, no, that's so true. I feel like you don't even know what there's that quote, you don't know what you don't know. And like you don't really, you don't really know how good it could get

because you limit yourself in your mind. If you've only had one experience your whole life of having these toxic dynamics, you think that's as good as it can get and you're limiting your own beliefs and not allowing something better to come in. But once you heal that, and especially through tapping, I've definitely seen results myself

just with different aspects of my life, not even just romantic relationships, but also with my family relationships, also with my career and money. I had severe money wounds. I know I've spoken about this on the podcast quite a few times, but in 2020, I almost went broke and I literally lost everything that I had. And I had to start from scratch and

try to figure out like where my career was going. And I had had so much success in my early 20s. So I had like a really big high period of my career and then a really, really big low. And that created this huge money wound, like huge money wound where I felt like I couldn't get back up and I had no idea how I was ever going to support myself the same way that I used to. It was really, really challenging too because I know that feeling of panic and I know a lot of you struggle with this too and you've messaged me about financial things and business advice and all that stuff and it's relatable because a lot of people struggle with finances

and have these limiting all that stuff. And it's relatable because a lot of people struggle with finances and have these limiting blocks around money. And I'm just tying this in because I'm saying tapping can really apply to anything. It doesn't have to be just love, but it can clear out any type of wound. It could clear out finances, it could clear out toxic relationships, toxic patterns from your ex, from family members, from bosses that have wronged you and you feel like you can't get out of a job, anything. So I, yeah, I love that. And the fact that you introduced me

to tapping, it's changed my life and I'm very grateful. I'm on a mission to take it mainstream so everybody's life can change. The difference is so immense. I hadn't tapped for a few days and I'm going through a period of a ton of transition. And yesterday I was just, I didn't realize I was feeling funky emotionally, but I started to get a migraine, which I never ever, ever get. And so it was getting very irritating and Tylenol wasn't helping. And so I sat down and closed my eyes and actually pulled up my mini tapping videos and my Dream Away membership.

I always tap with my own videos because I feel like I need like someone to guide me. And I just closed my eyes and I felt into my body and I realized that I was actually in a lot of emotional pain. And I was feeling really sad and I was feeling anxious. And I'm like, wow, no wonder I have a migraine right now. It's like literally a physical manifestation of these emotions that I haven't been looking at because I'm busy and I'm working on things. And I tapped for maybe 15 minutes and everything just melted away

and I felt so much better. And then I also just like on a whim because I was tapping and filmed it to post a TikTok about it about just like how I can't believe like what I did before you have to tapping and Haley Bieber liked it. So I know Haley sent me a screenshot this morning and she's like Haley Bieber liked my tapping video. I'm like maybe she taps. Probably. Or maybe she's interested. Or she's like, Haley Bieber liked my tapping video. I'm like, maybe she taps. Probably. Or maybe she's interested. Or she's- Seriously.

Maybe she wants to learn more about it. You never know. But that was really funny and cool and kind of random. But also maybe she does tap and she just doesn't post about it. Yes. I feel like a lot of people tap but don't post about it. I didn't post about it at first when I first started tapping. But then everybody was like, how is your entire life changing?

Because my life changes were like really insane. Like living in my hometown of Denver after college, I did not like Denver and barely making any money to all of a sudden scaling a copywriting agency, being able to move to New York City, scaling my TikTok within one year from literally like zero followers to I ended that year at almost 250,000 followers. Like everything changed all from tapping and I obviously like manifestation too but I see EFT tapping and manifestation are so intertwined because we manifest from our thoughts and our feelings. Yeah.

And you want to change your thoughts and your feelings, you got to tap baby. Like it's all subconscious. Would you say that maybe we wouldn't have met if you hadn't started tapping? I would completely. That's a hundred percent true. I think yeah I was just thinking about that because yeah no that makes so much sense. I would have never moved to New York. I don't never. Isn't it crazy like I definitely would not have then like my life changed very drastically and yeah and I will also say I had to tap on a lot of friendship wounds. Yeah. I had some frenemies.

Yeah, I remember you told me. Yeah, I had some very bad friendship dynamics and the friends that I've attracted into my life too from that, like both you and our best friend Ankita, you guys both found me on TikTok. I showed up on your For You pages. Yeah. And it was really weird. But you kept coming up on my For You page.

Like you were on my For You page every day. That's why. And then I've watched, I watched several of your videos and then I was like I don't know I feel like I would be friends with her. But it wasn't until much later that I messaged you but it's just funny how that happened. Yeah and then that it just yeah I had no idea as I was posting those videos that like my teacher and best friends were like seeing. Awwww. As I was still healing from like really toxic friends who were not nice to me. Yeah, I think everyone can relate to that too. Just like aside from, I always talk about dating on the podcast obviously, but even with friendships, it can be a struggle just

like getting along with other women. And I think for me, like my, I never had frenemies, but I always had just people that would kind of come and go. Like I feel like I never had solid friendships. I would be friends with, I would be friends with people for periods of time and then it would just fizzle out or just something would happen and shift. And I could see maybe they weren't like happy for me with certain things. And like, I've had issues with that where like, as I'm leveling up and working on myself, people will not be happy for you. And that was something I struggled with in my friendships where I'm like, obviously, if you're friends with someone, you need them to be a support system for you and vice versa.

It shouldn't be people being jealous of you or like, I guess that is kind of a frenemy thing. It's such a frenemy thing. I had that so much where they were definitely rooting for me to fail and could not make it more obvious. The one was so wild, you guys. This is awesome. It's a crazy story of my life. I'm not going to say anything. No, I'm not talking about more obvious. One was so wild you guys. This is like also just a crazy story of my life.

I'm not going to say anything. No, I'm not talking about that story. That would be a different podcast episode. We have a really interesting story for you guys if you're ever interested. This was like in 2020. Somehow I don't know what happened, but I hit 100k on TikTok the day that they announced that they were going to ban it. So I hit it one night, I woke up the next morning to news that they were going to ban it, that said like Trump to ban TikTok. And so obviously everybody was congratulating me on 100k because I'd been working towards it for literally so long. And one of my best friends, air quotes from home from high school, doesn't say a word about 100k. She just sends me the article

Trump to ban TikTok. Oh my god. That's horrible. I was like, that's actually horrible. Thank you God. That's horrible. That's actually horrible. Thank you. Thank you very much. You're like, thank you for just- She was basically like, well, your accomplishment means nothing because you're losing it all. Oh my God. That's insane.

That's like one in a string of crazy stories specifically from that friend. But no, I had a lot of- Oh my God. ... friendships, truly, until I healed it. And now I'm very, very, very blessed. Wow. That's no, that's wild. I yeah, I don't know some stories you've told me. I'm like, I don't know how you even kept that person around. But see, that's the thing.

It kind of goes back to like romantic relationships. I was so forgiving. Yeah, I'm so we're both really forgiving. Yeah, I feel like we've also just experienced this, like just being friends with each other, seeing each other tolerate certain things that we shouldn't be tolerating and helping each other through it. But we're just both really forgiving people and empathetic people.

And when you're an empathetic person, it's easy to forgive and forget. And I'm just so big on that. But also I was gonna say, once you actually establish real boundaries for yourself and have standards for yourself and you really, really cement them in, it doesn't make you less of an empathetic person. It's just learning where to draw the line and like learning to love yourself for real.

And I feel like that's the issue people have nowadays is you don't have strong enough boundaries. And I struggle with this too, because I, as I said, like I care for people so deeply and I'm so forgiving. So if I love someone and they wrong me, I usually let it go, which is the hardest part of being an empathetic person. I think a lot of people listening to the podcast feel that way. And that's why it's so hard to walk away from toxic people because if they apologize to you, you're like, oh, give it another shot. Like, I'll give it...

Thank you for apologizing. You sound good. I mean, fresh state, no worries. Literally. Now, what I always do if I have any type of conflict come up in relationship, so this is across the board. Here's your... I'm calling it a three-step method.

I have no idea what the three steps are. I'm just going to tell you all the steps. So maybe more steps. Your multi-step method is first have no idea what the three steps are. I'm just going to tell you all the steps. So maybe more steps. Your multi-step method is first. Wow, you came prepared. Yeah. Okay, so first to like sit with the feeling that it's producing within you, right? So like, how do you feel? Once again, how would you describe to a small child the way this makes you feel?

See if there's a core related memory that you can clear. Do some tapping on it and affirm what you would rather believe and what you'd rather experience. And then based off of that and like what's cleared, then ask yourself like what could I do to protect my inner child moving forward? Because also in relationships, people are going to make mistakes. It's not about like somebody makes a mistake and now you cut them off forever. The mistake itself, let's use our discernment on the level of mistake. But you'll know, right? But from there, it's just like setting boundaries. And something I really love that I think Renee Brown talked about specifically with friendships, but I think it can reply to all types of relationships

is imagine that you have a jar of marbles and every single marble in that jar of your relationship with that person is a positive experience with them. Like you guys got dinner and it was really good. They showed up for you when they really, when you really needed it. Like you add in all these marbles, right? And then imagine they start to do things that aren't amazing. Like they don't show up for you or they make some offhanded comment.

Instead of cutting them off immediately, imagine you're taking marbles out of the jar each time. And obviously you're not actually going to measure it out, but you'll get to a point where you're like, okay, there's all the marbles got removed. People go through phases or hard times where they can't show up for you as much as they would usually want to. And that doesn't actually mean anything about your friendship. Like you go through these ebbs and flows and phases, but I will say there's other times that someone will do something that smashes the entire jar of marbles and then there's no way to move past it.

I was about to say, how many marbles do you take out if someone cheats on you or something? I'd be like, smash the jar, goodbye. Go ahead and just chuck the jar and call it a day. Literally. In terms of the smaller things. Again, I really think a way to be empowered as you move forward is to really see that every single thing that happens in relationships and situationships and all of it, you can use it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and to clear the pain and the belief from the root and just keep affirming what you would rather believe.

Keep coming home to yourself. Keep providing for yourself the way that you would rather believe, keep coming home to yourself, keep providing for yourself the way that you would a small child, and know that the love of your life is coming, and like great love is coming, and great friendships are coming, and all the things that you want, they're coming, absolutely.

And it doesn't have to hurt so badly on the way there. And so if you're in a period of pain, it's just a call to go deeper. Wow. That's a beautiful way to end this episode. Truly, wow, that was mind-blowing. I feel like you carried this whole conversation. I'm just sitting here and mesmerized by you.

But honestly, having you as a friend is such a privilege and an honor. Yeah, it was an amazing episode. I agree. So great. I think it'll really be useful to people who are struggling with letting go or people who are really attached to toxic situations because it's common. Even us, and you know this, just because we're sitting here, we're giving advice, we've gone through this many times. And you have to understand that it's human and it's a part of learning and a part of

the healing and growing process as a human and There's nothing wrong with what you're doing or where you're at right now And you have to be for you have to forgive yourself We talked about forgiveness and how it's easy to forgive other people when you're empathetic but it's also important to remember to forgive yourself the most because you're gonna make mistakes and tolerate things sometimes that you shouldn't be tolerating. And it's just important to give yourself grace and understand that it's part of life. Yeah, you're always doing the best you can. Even if you, because you look back and you're like, I didn't know better at that time.

You still like there's things that you don't know yet. You're still doing the best you can. So self-compassion is huge. Yeah. Oh, great. Hey, well, that concludes today's episode. Thank you guys as always for listening to Date Yourself instead. Do you want to quickly just share where people could find your social handles?

Sure. I'm Haley Hoffman Smith on everything, and I also encourage you to join my Dream Away community. It's a membership with, there's like a vault of all of these EFT resources. A lot of them are about love, and then we have live events every single month. Yay. So amazing. You'll probably see listens on.

Yeah. I always come to the, I go to the Dreamaway sessions often. And I tap. And I also go on YouTube and tap. And it's just, it's so amazing. And it's been life changing. And yeah, I'm so glad that we finally did this on the pod. If you guys like the guest episodes, let me know. I'll try to keep them coming. We'll

definitely do more episodes in the future for sure. If you haven't already, be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify and always send me a DM at list or on the podcast account at date yourself instead. I love you guys as always. Thanks for listening and stay tuned for next Monday.