Date Yourself Instead - How to stop being desperate - become obsessed with YOURSELF

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

There's nothing worse than desperate energy when you are constantly chasing after people or wanting them to be obsessed with you or validate you in some way, shape or form. In this episode, I talk about how you should focus on becoming obsessed with yourself and not tolerating BS from anyone around you. I also cover how to set your standards high and the boss a** b*tch that you truly are. I have a detachment masterclass, as well as a new masterclass for health and wellness coming later this year. JOIN THE MASTERCLASS - if it's not open yet, be sure to join the waitlist for the next launch! I love you, sending you all my hugs and healing energy as always -Lyss

How to make anyone fall in love with you, obsess over you, worship you, respect you, and value you. Now, I want to preface this by saying you cannot force someone to have feelings for you as much as you think you can, as much as you're trying to beg that person to be with you, as much as you're desperately clinging onto a situationship that's not going anywhere, as much as you are texting your friends and asking what to say and screenshotting your conversations with this person and trying to do the most to make something work energetically, because obviously you're not actually begging someone, but your energy is begging them. That is not the way to get someone.

That is not the way to make a relationship work. You should not be throwing desperate energy at someone. When you throw desperate energy at someone, they feel that. Okay? People feel your energy. Everything is energy. I've said this on many episodes. The world is made up of energy. Okay? You are energy. I am energy. The person you're trying to date is energy. Every single thing is energy. So when you are thinking about someone constantly, when you are doing the most to try to see someone, to make plans, to try to date them,

when you are consumed by them, when you are thinking about them 24-7, when you are going out to dinner and telling all of your friends about this person, when you are investing your mental energy and directing your thoughts at someone or something or a situationship or relationship, whatever it is, that other person knows, that other person feels it. And what happens is you keep pushing that person further and further away because you

are so desperate and you're not living with abundance. You're not living in an abundant mindset. Now, when you live in an abundant mindset because the world is abundant and God made this world very prosperous and abundant and has given us access to so many resources, has given us access to so many people,

when you're not coming from a place of abundance and you're coming from a place of lack and you have a lack mindset, you're going to be obsessing over someone because you think that that's the only option for you. You think that this is the only person for me or I can't do better than this person or this is all I deserve. I'm not worthy of anything better. And that's no way to live because you are worthy. You are deserving of someone who treats you the right way. You are deserving of someone who gives you everything in the world. You deserve that. Why don't you think you deserve that?

The truth is, when we settle for less than what we deserve, we can only match that vibration. So if we are lowering our standards constantly for someone, if we are seeing someone and we know that they're not at our level, but then we lower our standards to meet them there, we're going to take ourselves down 10 notches. We're going to end up with someone that doesn't treat us right. And then we're going to be miserable because everything else around you will change in a negative way if you are lowering your standards. Because when you lower your standards, you're literally communicating to the universe and

to God, this is all I deserve. This is all I deserve and my life sucks and I'm going to just be with someone that isn't giving me true love, isn't reciprocating my feelings. I'm going to just chase them and be desperate and be stuck in a frankly loser mindset for the rest of my life because I think this is all I deserve and life can't get any better. Why would you put yourself in that mentality? Why would you put yourself in a mentality

where you feel like you're not worthy of true love, of true abundance, of being wealthy, of experiencing miracles. You deserve it all. I've always been pretty straightforward with my advice and I've always been pretty cutthroat with my advice and some episodes I'm sweet, some episodes I'm pretty straight to the point, but on this episode I'm really going to give it to you as intensely as possible, as Capricorn as possible, because I wanna get it through your head that you deserve so much more

than you're accepting right now. I've been through a lot, a lot of relationships, situationships, if you've listened to my podcast, if you've listened to a lot of my episodes, you know that I've been through three serious relationships and then I've had these like weird situations ship experiences in between and The common denominator that I've realized because the last guy I dated Snapped something inside of me because now I'm like I'm not fucking taking shit from anyone anymore. It doesn't matter

The common denominator I realized in all those relationships is that I put that person's needs, desires, and standards over mine because I didn't have good boundaries in place. Boundaries are what is going to get you the right person, the right job. Boundaries will define your reality because you're not going to settle for less than what you deserve. Okay. So if you don't have clear boundaries in place, if you're just like all over the place, like, oh, yeah, I'll just accept this. I'll accept that. Oh, I don't know who I am. I don't know where I'm going in life. If you just operate from a place of like, you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

You're going to attract that into reality where people will take advantage of you because they're like, this girl doesn't have an identity or this man doesn't have an identity, whoever's listening to this podcast, I know both men and women listen. It doesn't matter who you are, if you don't have boundaries, you're going to get run over.

You're going to get walked all over and stomped over because you're not believing in yourself. You're not creating any sort of straight path for yourself, you're just going through life in a fucking haze. And I'm guilty of this. And that's why I'm telling you guys this. If you kind of just go through life like, oh, everything's fine. Everything will work out. Nothing's a big deal.

You're never going to get anything accomplished. In every aspect of your life, it's not even about romantic relationships. You can't get anything done. You need to be disciplined and you need to have boundaries. So when it came to my relationships and now I'm realizing this was always the problem, this was the fundamental issue, I didn't stand firm with my boundaries. I would be like, oh, I'd never let a guy treat me like that. And then in real time, because they would sweet talk me,

they would be able to coerce me into a different mentality and to lower my standards and lower who I was because they came off as sweet and innocent and like they really cared about me and they really liked me. Maybe they did. Okay. Maybe they did like me.

Maybe they did care about me. But if someone is making you go against what you truly think you deserve, if someone is making you lower your standards in order to match theirs, so they can manipulate you, so they can control you, so they could do essentially whatever the fuck they want with you and then discard you. that is no way to live. And it's a very common experience. My last episode that I posted about this guy love bombing me and discarding me,

the amount of messages and DMs I received on Instagram after posting that episode was insane to me because there are so many women and so many men too, I'm sure, that have experienced something like this before and it's not talked about enough because I don't think there's enough people out there emphasizing the importance of having firm boundaries and knowing who the fuck you are. You have to know who the fuck you are. You have to know who the fuck you are. You were up here when you met this person.

You were up here. And I think I've spoken about this on other episodes on my TikTok as well, okay? You were up here when you met them and you slowly start to lower your standards over time because you're lonely and you don't have anyone else and you want to meet them where they're at, where is like they're so below you that it's like absolutely ridiculous. And you go so far beneath them at a point because you've completely lost your sense

of self in the relationship. And you're like, Oh, who the fuck am I? I've completely lost myself. I've lost all sense of boundaries. I've lost self-respect. I don't even know what's flying anymore. I've lost my purpose in my life. And then what happens is because that person

was an energy vampire and sucked your energy dry and sucked your power dry, you're suddenly left with nothing when they leave. And you feel defeated and worthless because this person has taken all of your energy and all of your sparkle and all of your magic and used it to their advantage. And it's common in narcissistic relationships too. I've been through this so many times. My last ex who I was dating for four years stole my shine and it's not because he had more power than me it's because he saw how much power I had and then he took advantage of that and he sucked it. When

you are with someone that is not right for you, it will be made clear by the way that you feel internally, by your energy levels, by the way you look, okay? You will physically start to look like shit. You will physically start to feel tired, sluggish, not motivated, anxious, depressed. You will start to feel all of these things if you're around energy vampires. Now energy vampires are people who see your power, who see your success, and they want something from you. So they'll hang around and they'll act really sweet and innocent, but there is an ulterior motive, right? And maybe on a conscious level, they don't even

realize what they're doing because there's a lot of programming involved. You know, a lot of people are operating from their childhood. Okay. And I'm very empathetic. I am very empathetic. I understand that. I understand that no one is perfect, but it doesn't matter when it comes to you and your needs and what you want out of life and your mental health. You need to protect yourself. You need to protect yourself.

It doesn't matter if that person has ill intentions or they're the best person in the world and they didn't mean to hurt you and they're saying all the right things and saying, you know, it's not like that. I didn't mean it that way. It doesn't matter if they didn't mean it that way. It doesn't matter if they're the best person in the world to a hundred other people.

If they're making you feel like shit, you need to set your boundaries and make sure they're firm and in place and have the strength to walk away. You can't tolerate bullshit from people that's going to make you feel shit, that's going to make you feel like shit, that's going to make you feel drained,

that's going to take away from your life purpose. Now, I've talked to my friends about this. We go to dinner in Manhattan and we have these like group meetings about life and about relationships. And one of the things we touched on recently was this concept of losing your purpose when you're with someone that isn't right for you.

So when I was going through my last real relationship and it carried on, it was on and off and it was so messy for you. So when I was going through my last real relationship and it was it carried on it was on and off and it was so messy for years and it's literally what inspired me to start date yourself instead in the first place because I was going through the worst period of my life ever and I lost my meaning for life. I lost my drive, I lost my ambition, and I lost my purpose. I didn't know why I was here, and it was this weird, disorienting feeling where I would just sit in my apartment all day

and be like, what's the fucking point? Like, what is the point? Why am I here? And it got dark because I wasn't fulfilling any sort of mission. I had no direction. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I felt like my identity had been stripped away from me

and I had no idea what to do with myself. And that is a common feeling when you are with a narcissistic person or someone that is sucking your energy dry. OK, so you have to be aware of that because if you're currently in that situation, if you're currently in a position where you feel lost in life and you're also entertaining people that aren't treating you right, that don't love you properly, that are draining your life force, that is 95% of the issue I am telling you right now. If you are with someone toxic and you also are struggling in other areas of your life

it's 95% that person that's taking away from everything and then the 5% could be other things but I am telling you energy vampires are very very Toxic like they are very very. And you have to be very careful. You have to be super cautious when it comes to these type of people, because they can make you go so off course of your life purpose and what you're intended to do on this earth. And God wants to see you successful. He wants to see you thrive and happy. And he wants to see you become the best version of yourself.

So if you are hanging around people who are bringing you down or who want to bring you down, you really need to reassess and create new boundaries for yourself, create new standards for yourself where you're not going to stray from them and you're actually going to honor yourself and love yourself enough to walk away from anyone who isn't treating you right. The bottom line is if you start to feel a little off about anyone or anything, you need to be strong enough to walk away and trust that there's always going to be something better waiting on the other side of that bravery. I'll give you a perfect example. So I was talking to this guy for a couple of weeks and he was saying all the right things. He was being really kind.

There was no red flags at first, okay? And I liked him, I did. I really felt like we had a good connection at that time. He seemed very legitimate. He seemed really genuine and honest. And I wasn't really, I feel like the second you start speaking about someone to your friends or to anyone Someone can just like put the evil eye on it and hex it like I don't know what it is

But every time I've ever mentioned something too soon to someone it just goes backwards and it backfires and it's never a good ending result So I stopped telling people my fucking business because I'm like I don't want anyone to know who I'm talking to who I'm Dating who I'm seeing what I'm up to whatever so I'm talking to this guy and everything's going really well and a couple weeks go by and It was pretty consistent and then all of a sudden

He just disappeared for two days now And then all of a sudden, he just disappeared for two days. Now, usually that wouldn't be the biggest deal to me in general, because I hadn't met him in person yet. But we had been consistently texting every single day. So the two-day window of no texting just made me feel like something was off. And then I started feeling more and more like what he was saying wasn't really aligning with how he felt. I just intuitively sensed something was off. I didn't feel right about it. And instead of getting all anxious and worked up about it, I was like, whatever.

Okay. I don't really know him. It's not a big deal. Not going to lose sleep over this. And I decided to cut it right then and there. Okay. Now I could have proceeded and continued it and he started messaging me again. He started trying to go back to the way things were and I could have continued it and entertained it and I could have been like, you know what, all is forgiven. Let me just continue and see where it goes. But my intuition said, this isn't the right person for you. My intuition just said, listen, if you want to proceed, it's not going to end well.

So just don't even bother. OK. And my intuition is always right. So I usually will always kind of talk myself out of my intuition. But this time I decided to test it and really follow that intuition, even though it was hard and I didn't really want to because I wasn't Speaking to anyone else. I said, you know what? I'm cutting it. So I called this person I ended it really respectfully. I was like, listen, I just trust my intuition I know what I'm looking for in a man. I know what I'm looking for in a relationship and I

honestly, just don't feel a hundred percent right and honestly just don't feel 100% right. And I just don't feel like I see a future. And he was like, oh, well, I really, I really want to try. I really want to see where this goes. I really like you. And I was like, I totally respect that. And I'm sorry that this has to come to an end, but these are my boundaries.

And these are my standards that I'm holding my relationships to when it comes to dating now. And I just feel like something felt a little off to me and my gut and my intuition is saying that something's not right here. He to this day still DMs me, likes my stories. He's very friendly, a very nice guy, but I more and more realized over time after I had ended that situation, it was the best decision I ever made because I trusted myself. And when you actually are able to take a step back

objectively, it gives you a lot of clarity and insight. And it's so hard to see it and think clearly when you're so involved and so in it. When you're in the bubble with someone, it's so much harder to really see it from an outsider's perspective. It's like when your friends know that someone's bad for you and someone's toxic for you, but you are so blinded and you can't see it because you're so wrapped up in the relationship because you're in that bubble with someone. So it was really helpful for me to take a step back.

And I also said to him, like, listen, if I have a moment of clarity and I think things through and I change my mind, I will keep you posted. But the more I drew myself back and drew my energy back, the more I was extremely confident in my decision. So I highly recommend this as a tip for anyone who's a little bit anxious. Your intuition is saying like, I'm not sure if this is right. If you feel a little uncertain about someone in a situation that you're currently in,

give yourself a few weeks to take yourself out of the situation and remove yourself. Because if it's meant to be, if that person is the love of your life, if that person is your soulmate, they will respect your need for space okay if you are feeling at all uncomfortable with someone and you ask them for space and you ask them to just take a step back for a few weeks and you look at the situation objectively it will give you so much confidence and the clarity i know it's hard i know it's hard to end. I know it's hard to even bring up a conversation like that. But when you have such strong standards and boundaries for yourself and you really follow that gut calling and you really follow that intuition,

you will be so much better off in life. I promise you that. You will feel so much more confident in your skin. You will feel so much more grounded in who you are. You will create a new identity for yourself of power and substance and actual self-love because you're honoring your intuition. There are so many people including myself who have talked myself out of my intuition and it has gotten me fucking nowhere. It's gotten me nowhere and I've done this with every single person I've ever been with.

And starting now in this chapter of my life, I've noticed the shift. I notice how different I am now. I notice how much I've changed as a woman. Something lit a fire under my ass after the last situation. I just went through because I realized that no my judgment is always right. My intuition speaks to me, okay? God speaks to me. The universe wants me to be happy.

So the second I feel something's off with someone, the second I'm not comfortable, it's goodbye, or it's let me take a step back and reassess this and I'll get back to you, because I'm not willing to tolerate someone who is deceptive, who is shady, who doesn't have my best interest at heart. I got a message from a guy to after I posted the last episode saying,

it sounds like you're bashing men because you're saying you expect a man to cater to you and bow down to you. And what about all the men who have gone through heartbreak? What about all the men who have been deceived and cheated on? I've been cheated on and I feel like you're bashing men and I don't like it, essentially. And I messaged him back because I, first of all, I never wanna come off like I'm bashing men. It's not the case. I love men, I love relationships, I love romance,

I love dating, but for me personally, it's not about man or woman. It's about people treating you right, okay? And I date men and these men have wronged me. So that's what I'm talking about. I know it goes both ways. I'm very aware of that. But it's not about man or woman. It's about being treated right by human beings.

And I'm straight, so I'm talking from my experience. That's all it is. And I just want to clarify that and clear that up because it's not about a man or woman thing. It's about a respect thing from another human being that you're romantically involved with or not, or just a friendship or whatever. It's about having clear boundaries

for yourself with anyone because you deserve it. You deserve to be treated right. You deserve to be valued and respected and treated the right way. That's hopefully the message that I am relaying to people. And I hope that all the men that listen to the podcast, you're not taking any genuine offense to what I'm saying because I'm speaking from my experience as a straight woman and what I've been through.

But I understand too, that there are a lot of incredible, good-hearted people in the world. There are good-hearted men in the world and I'm never gonna give up on finding love. I'm never gonna give up on relationships. I'm here to hopefully inspire you guys and hopefully show you that no matter what, I'm going to continue to love myself

and date myself. And you know, I'm not going to give up on that idea of finding my soulmate and finding the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with because I truly believe that person is still out there. And it's just a matter of timing, right? Everything happens in divine timing. I have it on my wrist where a watch is supposed to go because divine timing, watch, you get it. But it's just a constant reminder that God has a plan for you in your divine timing. Everything happens in divine timing. Stop also, another thing and another issue I want to cover on the podcast is

This concept of constantly comparing your timing to other people's timeline when it comes to finding love. I'm 31 I'm getting messages from like 25 year old people saying oh my god. I think it's too late. I'm like, hey Like I'm 31 and I'm going through it. Like I'm you know, I don't have my person right now and I don't believe in the timing of everyone else. Your reality has its own timing Okay, your timing isn't the timing of everyone else around you. You have to think about this and get it through your head Your timing is your timing not anyone else's and vice versa Okay You cannot compare your timeline to anyone

because that will make you depressed, that will make you rush things, that will make you force things, and that will make you desperate. And when you come at the world with a desperate energy, as I said, you're never going to get anywhere because you're always going to be in this fight or flight, anxious mode, oh my God, I need to find a husband,

I need to get married right now. No, you don't, no, you don't. Your timing is your timing. Wouldn't you rather wait it out and know how to love yourself and take time for yourself? And when you cultivate that sense of true self love and independence and you're confident and you come from a place of genuine power

and you have these high standards, wouldn't you rather walk into a relationship where you're meeting someone at that vibration and you're meeting someone at a vibration where you're so confident and you're not coming from desperation and you're attracting a partner that's of that caliber? Why would you want to attract in a partner

when you're in desperation mode? You're gonna end up attracting the wrong person because you're gonna end up attracting someone who can just manipulate you and take advantage of you and walk all over you You can't look for someone you can't look for a relationship. It will happen when you least expect it I know that's a cliche corny quote that everyone says it'll happen when you least expect it But it is true because everything is energy and when you are sitting back and you're relaxed about it And you don't give a fuck about it. That's when it comes the reason I deleted my dating apps. I'm not on any dating apps anymore. I'm not using anything

I'm not actively dating. I'm not looking for anything. I'm focused on my business my work myself my goals and I'm coming into a season of my life now where I'm genuinely stepping into my power more than ever because I'm not Chasing after anything. I'm not chasing after anything. I'm not looking for anything. You need to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride of your life. It's your timing and no one else's and it will happen. It will happen. If it's meant for you, it will happen and I know that and I know that everyone who's listening to this has felt this in some capacity of feeling the pressure of time and oh my God, if I don't do this at a certain date, if I don't have a baby by a certain date, if I don't get married,

it is stressful in today's times, especially when you are on social media and you're seeing everyone else's lives and you're seeing everyone post how glamorous everything is. But the truth is nothing for you is going to pass you by number one. The truth is, nothing for you is going to pass you by, number one. And two, you have to have faith that everything is going to happen when it's meant for you, when it's right for you. I was talking to my dad about this actually yesterday on the phone because my parents have always been a little concerned about me because they're like, you know, you have been through so much with relationships and you've spent so many years with the wrong people.

So, you know, what's going on? Like, do you even want to get married? Like, what's the deal? And I'm like, listen, yes, I want to meet my person. I want to get married. I want to have that life. I want to be with my soulmate, you know, the man of my dreams. Of course.

But I would rather be alone for now in this season of my life, work on myself, build my empire, achieve my goals, live my dreams, do whatever I possibly can to invest in myself. And I know that I will meet my husband or my partner, whatever, when I'm at a certain level where God is like, okay, now you're ready for it. You have to be ready for it. And right now, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I don't think I was ever ready for it.

And I think that's where I went wrong a lot of the time because I was always looking for it in a way, you know, like I was always looking for the next person to fulfill some sort of weird confidence void for me when in reality all I needed was myself and I should have been investing. If I had invested all the energy invested in relationships into myself, I would be Taylor Swift. Okay, I would be Taylor Swift right now. And I've talked about this with my friends too. We're like, we would be on top of the world right now if we had just taken all of that energy and invested it into ourselves. Now, that being said, I wouldn't have the brand I have now if I hadn't gone through all of those relationships. So I'm so grateful. I'm so blessed

and I know that. And I'm so grateful that I'm able to share my wisdom and knowledge with you guys, because if it helps even one person, that's what matters the most to me. I'm so grateful for the community that we have here on Date Yourself Instead. It's saved my life and you're so amazing. All of you are so amazing.

I know all of you are going to find the most amazing love one day, because you are so amazing. I know all of you are going to find the most amazing love one day. Because you truly deserve it and just the feedback in general and the community. Everything has just been so incredible. So thank you. But also, yeah, I just feel like there is really no point in forcing anything. There's no point in trying to make shit happen. It will just happen when it's supposed to happen. And your job is to invest in yourself. Your job is to become so obsessed with yourself and so in love with yourself and how amazing you are that you will start attracting amazing people to come into your life. You don't want to attract people when you're

at the lowest point of your life because you're going to attract a lot of weird people. You need to attract people that are at your caliber. Work towards that version of you that you want to become. Work towards that future self that you've always wanted to become and the right people will eventually meet you there. That's what I was telling my parents. I'm like, I just have a feeling now after everything I've been through, after using all the dating apps, after meeting people at bars and out and whatever,

I feel like my person is in my career field, right? So many people get married to people in their career field because there's a mutual understanding there, right, of lifestyle and goals and ambitions. And I'm like, the next person I'm with is probably gonna be someone in my career field because that's where I'm going. That's where I'm headed.

The universe is going to deliver people that are in the same space as you and in the same frequency as you. And I love this quote. I forgot who said it, but it's a very famous one and I see it all over YouTube all the time. You don't attract what you want. You attract who you are. And that could not be more true. You don't get what you want.

You get who you are. You have to become what you want in order to attract the things that you want. You have to become a new identity to attract new experiences. You have to step into a new version of you to attract abundance and miracles the way that you want. You have to become a new identity to attract new experiences. You have to step into a new version of you to attract abundance and miracles the way that you want to. You can't be sitting on your couch doing absolutely nothing and then expect all of these miracles to happen to you all the time. Okay? Manifestation comes with action, inspired action. I think there's a misconception about manifestation. I had dreams of having a

podcast, but I wouldn't have a podcast if I hadn't gotten my ass off the couch and went to the studio and started recording episodes, right? I think people are like, oh, you know, if I manifest this, it'll just appear. No, you have to take action with it. Okay, and then you'll get to it. You will manifest things, but you have to take action with it. You can't just sit back and do nothing. But the action will feel good and feel aligned if it's meant for you. And I think that's the other misconception.

People are like, oh, well, I don't like doing this. I don't like, and I'm like, well then it's not meant for you. You have to believe that something's meant for you. You have to be excited about it and the energy around it will propel it forward and move it forward and you will manifest based on your positive energy. Okay? If you're going into things with a depressed negative energy, you're not going to get anywhere.

It's going to be stagnant because the universe is like communicating to you this isn't meant for you. If you don't feel excited to wake up every day and manifest what you're trying to manifest, it's not going to happen for you because resistance, if you're like, I don't like this, it'll keep that stuck. It'll keep the manifestation stuck. So my best piece of advice, I'm going a little off tangent here.

This episode, I feel like is a little bit all over the place, but I'm gonna close it with this, okay? If you were trying to change your life and attract your partner, become a different person, attract a new job, whatever it is, you have to become that person. You have to take action to become whoever it is you're trying to be,

or you have to leave your toxic ex in order to attract a better person. You have to take inspired action. And I hope this can inspire you to do something different today. Change up your routine. Take a step towards your new self. And I would love to hear what actions you're taking.

If you wanna send me a DM on Instagram, as always, atliss on the podcast account, at date yourself instead. I love you. Thank you as always for listening to the podcast. And if you haven't already be sure to rate it on Apple and Spotify and make sure to check out my new masterclass coming out this October called the mind body soul reset. It's going to cover everything I do in my health and wellness routine as

well as how I manifest how I've attracted so much abundance over the last two years. And I'm so excited to share that with you all. I love you have an amazing day and stay tuned for next Monday.