Date Yourself Instead - How to stop placing them on a pedestal

Episode Date: July 7, 2024

The guy you've placed on a pedestal is someone else's biggest ick and nightmare. What if I told you there was a person out there in the world that saw your ex or the guy you're chasing, the guy you're pining after, the guy you're trying to date or the person you're trying to date, okay? This could go both ways, I know, I know. But what if I told you there was someone out there that literally got the ick whenever they looked at that person and they were like, Nah, I'm good. They're not meeting my standards. They're not the right person for me. This episode is for you. If you are chasing down someone who does not want to be with you, you really have to give yourself a reality check and a wake-up call because your life isn't built to be chasing anyone down.

Your life isn't meant to run after a man who can't even pick up his clothes off the floor, who doesn't know how to do laundry, who doesn't know how to cook or clean up after himself or make himself a meal. Okay, my friend was telling me about a guy she was seeing that she would literally go to his apartment and have to do his laundry and pick up his clothes from his floor. And she felt like she was living in a frat house. And I was like, yeah, we're not doing that this year. We're not picking up after people.

We're not cleaning up after people's messes. You're a grown man. You could handle your shit by yourself. You should be able to take care of your household. Especially if you're not in a serious relationship, by no means should you be looking after someone, chasing after someone, taking care of someone like a fucking baby, okay?

You are not someone's mother, you're not their parent, you're not their caretaker. You have to focus on yourself and take care of you. That is the priority this year, that is the energy in 2024 and moving forward for the rest of fucking time. A man being emotionally unavailable to you and all over the place emotionally in general

and inconsistent and not following through with his word or not making plans or not showing up for you should be the ick in itself. But if that isn't enough and it's actually activating some sort of wound where you feel more inclined to chase after them, this episode is the episode to snap you out of it because we are not doing that anymore. We're not settling. We are not settling for bullshit.

I'm going to tell you two stories, two different angles, two completely opposite polar ends of the spectrum as far as what happened, but they both happened to me. Two different story times at two different eras of my life, okay? There's two guys, we're gonna name one Eric and we're gonna name one Justin, okay? Eric and Justin. I'm looking down at my notes right now

and I wrote their actual names and I'm like, I really, I'm making this anonymous for a very good reason because I do not want to out anyone on my podcast and I never will. So let's start with Eric, okay? Eric was chasing after me. Eric saw me on Instagram, messaged me. He really liked my content. He liked my videos. He was so inspired. He had been messaging me for three years straight. And I had a boyfriend at the time. I was in a relationship, fully committed, and I wasn't really replying or answering. Maybe I liked a message here and there just to be friendly,

but I had never entertained it because obviously I was in a relationship with someone. So he was pursuing me. I ignored it, brushed it off, and then there was a point where I was getting out of that relationship, and I decided to finally give this a shot. I was giving Eric a chance. I saw that he had been messaging for a while.

I was like, okay, this guy is showing genuine interest. He's not a bad-looking guy. He seems pretty cool. Let me go on a date with him. So we meet up in New York City at this really cool bar, really good vibes, and the date went fine. Honestly, I had a really nice time with him. We both matched each other's energy. He covered the drinks while I went to the bathroom, which I liked. He took control of the date towards the end, which is a huge green flag for me. I really liked the overall vibe, and we got along. He made me laugh.

We were joking about social media stuff. It was fine. However, over time, I realized that he just wasn't necessarily the right fit for me. There was just something off with the energy, and I was trusting my intuition, trusting my gut. I knew deep down that we just weren't going to be compatible and I felt the energy shift

where I guess he really liked me and I just wasn't into it. But when I had communicated that I wasn't really interested, he was so butthurt that I rejected him and he said something along the lines of, I haven't had a girl not want me in a very long time. And I was like, well, this is the moment. Okay, you got to be humbled a little bit. I'm sorry that I don't feel the same, but you can't force me to feel guilty and feel bad because I'm not interested. And he made it this whole ordeal where he kept trying and trying and trying to weasel around the fact that I wasn't interested and just try to convince me

into liking him, which at the time I was like, he's just obviously upset and I'm trying to be nice and I'm trying to be, you know, trying to let him down easy because I'm an empathetic person and I don't want to full out coldly reject someone, but it got to the point where I felt like he was being manipulative and kind of guilt tripping me in a way where he made me feel bad for not liking him and he would say and do things to make me feel like shit for not reciprocating. And I kept getting pushed further and further away. And I started asking other people in my life that

I saw he knew and had associated with through social media about this person because I didn't know too much about him. And I was just going off of my personal experience. He never did anything to me where it would be this huge deal breaker, but there was just something in my gut where I was like, I don't feel like he's like very honest about certain things. I feel like he's being pushy. And it was just driving me further and further away from the situation. There was one instance where I was invited out with him

and he forced himself onto me and tried to kiss me. And it became another huge issue because I felt like my boundaries were being crossed and then that's when I completely cut it off and I caught the biggest egg. I was so turned off. I was like, this is not going to work for me and my standards and my values

and just how I feel in general, the vibe is not there. The crazy thing is, now getting to the whole point of this episode, that guy has been placed on a pedestal by a lot of girls that I've seen as far as I know. Not the people that I know that I asked about him that were close to me, that were like my good friends, but people that don't really,

but people that I don't really know, okay, girls that I don't really know. I've seen this person get with a lot of girls. I've witnessed it. I've seen him date a lot of people. I know that he's hooked up with a lot of people and I've seen him get what he wants all the time. And I think that's why he was so butthurt me rejecting him, because he hadn't experienced that often. And I think it was a moment for him where he was like,

why doesn't she like me if everyone else does, right? But tying this into the point of today's episode, he was being placed on a pedestal by other girls. But for me, it felt like nothing. He wasn't on any pedestal at all. And as much as I hate to break it to you, there is a high chance and possibility, I'm not saying for everyone listening,

but there is a possibility that there is a reality in which the person that you're chasing after that you like, that you want to date, has experienced what I felt with him, okay, where I was like, what are you doing? You're weird, you're pushy, I don't like you, I don't like the energy. There is a possibility that there is another person out there that feels that way that I felt about the guy that you are Pursuing or trying to chase down. So when you look at it from that perspective, I also discussed this in myself love summer episode

Where I said that The guy that you are so desperately trying to date has been rejected before in the past, right? They have been rejected by someone that didn't see their value, that didn't see them in the way that you see them. And obviously everyone experiences rejection. Everyone has different dynamics and relationships. And this is an obvious thing if you say it out loud, but when you really, really think about it, imagine you met the girl that had rejected him and she was telling you her perspective.

You would probably feel a lot better. It's therapeutic. And that happened to me. In the next story I'm about to tell you, I just recently experienced this. I was seeing a guy that I had feelings for. I really liked him. I thought he was super cool. It wasn't necessarily that I wanted to officially date him, but I definitely had

feelings for him. And I met a girl who had dated him and then dumped him and was like, I don't like you at all. And she was so powerful and her energy was so radiant and so amazing. And I just was like feeding off of her energy. I was like, oh my God, this woman is so powerful and I'm obsessed with her. I fell in love with her. I was like, oh my God, this woman is so powerful and I'm obsessed with her. I like fell in love with her. I was like, oh my God, this girl just gets it. She knows so much about life and she's so cool.

And she had rejected him. And I saw why she rejected him because she was like too cool for him. And I was like, wait a second, this is so humbling for me because I need to step my fucking game up. I need to step my standards up. I need to raise the bar for myself and step into this woman's power and step into her shoes

and look at it from her angle because right now, having feelings for a guy that's giving me basically nothing is not the vibe and we're not doing this again. I'm not going through a situationship ever again. I refuse. I always make an admission now if I see something going in the direction of a casual situationship, I'll just cut it

off. And I did. But it was hard because I was like, feelings are feelings. I'm human. I have emotions and I liked him. Anyways, I had cut it off and then I met her. And I was like, Oh, okay, well, this is a very eye opening awakening moment because now I'm realizing that there's so much more to life than getting caught up on someone that one,

doesn't want to be with you, that two, just doesn't see your value and appreciate you the way you know you deserve to be appreciated, and three, there's a woman out there that literally doesn't see his value and meaning, and if he looks at you that way, you should look at him that way too. So I'm like talking to this woman,

I'm like, oh my God, honestly, I love you. Like you just changed my whole perspective and mindset around this entire situation. And I got over it. Literally in an hour's time of being in her presence, I got over it. Literally in an hour's time of being in her presence, I got over it. So the point is, when you look at it from that angle and you realize

that the person that you wanna be with so badly is not that special, it's just you that's making them that special. It's you that's placing them on that grand pedestal and giving them a fucking golden trophy for doing what? I don't know. Once you realize that it's you that's placing them on that grand pedestal and giving them a fucking golden trophy for doing what? I don't know. Once you realize that it's just you giving them that energy, you could take them off the pedestal.

You could take their trophy away and be like, oh, it's really not that deep. You're really not that great. It was me that was making you that great in my head. It was my own thoughts and my own feelings that was putting you that great in my head. It was my own thoughts and my own feelings that was putting you on that pedestal when in reality, what are you really giving me? What are you offering me?

If you don't wanna be with me, if you don't text me back, if you're flaky, if you're inconsistent, if you're emotionally unavailable, what are you actually fucking providing for me? What are you actually offering me? Nothing, literally nothing. So goodbye. That's the mood we're going into the summer with,

2024 with, and for the rest of our lives. Because honestly, when you look at it from this frame and this mindset, it is the biggest game changer. So let's go down a little list of why you should be so turned off and get the ick from someone that's not giving you what you deserve, okay? Number one, you deserve someone that makes you feel at home, that makes you feel safe and wants to show up for you

and isn't entertaining the games that you might be used to playing, okay? When we're wounded, especially from our past dating experiences, environment, parental dynamics, childhood, when we have these inner wounds that we haven't fully healed yet, we're used to playing games and dating.

And if we're very guarded and overprotective of our hearts too, because we've been burned in the past, we've been broken up with, we've been lied to, we've been cheated on in the past, it'll cause us to create these patterns in our subconscious mind we've been burned in the past, we've been broken up with, we've been lied to, we've been cheated on in the past. It'll cause us to create these patterns in our subconscious mind, and we get used to playing games, we get used to pulling back, we get used to this hot

and cold energy dynamic in our relationships. And it becomes a habitual cycle where when we enter new situations with people and we start dating new people, that just feels familiar and we start chasing after that feeling. I hate to break it to you, but that's not the norm and that's not healthy. And I think society has conditioned us

to believe that it's not a big deal and hot and cold is part of the dating scene and dating sucks and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You get the gist. It's almost like toxic has become the new normal and that is not actually the case, okay? You wanna strive for healthy, you wanna strive for a relationship where you could tackle everything

you need to get done throughout the day without being fucking distracted because you're looking at your phone waiting for someone to text you back. You want a relationship that feels calm and grounding and that makes you a better person because why the fuck not? Why wouldn't you wanna be with someone that makes you a better person because why the fuck not? Why wouldn't you want to be with someone that makes you feel better about yourself? There are people in the world that will make you feel better about yourself. Those people do exist

and even if you haven't experienced it yet, I can tell you even if you have one friend or one family member or one person in your life, one random person in your life who's made you crack up smile and feel good inside for five minutes. That's just proof that there are people that exist in the world that can make you feel good, right? So why can't that apply to your romantic partner as well? I have so many friends who make me laugh. I have so many friends that bring joy into my life that make me feel supported, warm, cherished, valued. So if I have friends like that, there has to be a romantic partner like that as well that exists in

this world. Or at least I fucking hope so, okay? I'm kidding. I really do believe that there is and I will meet that person for me at the right time. But the point is you deserve that, okay? So if you are clinging on to someone that is not making you feel safe, that is not making you feel supported, that isn't showing up for you, then what is the point? What is the end goal for you?

Think about it and think about your future. What is your end goal with this person? Are you really going to marry someone that doesn't answer you? Are you going to have children with someone and come home to them every night when they don't have their phone on them because they're not texting you and they don't show up until three in the morning

because they were out late partying with their friends? Do you want someone with those qualities to be the father of your children? Do you want someone with those qualities to sleep next to you your children? Do you want someone with those qualities to sleep next to you at night and ignore you, basically, and ignore your emotional needs? If you are okay with that, then I guess fine, but when you think in terms of your future,

sometimes shit gets easier and you'll have a totally different perspective on it. I know for me, at my age, I'm 31. I'm not looking to play games, I'm not looking to chase someone down, I'm not looking to beg someone for love and affection. So if I'm not getting those needs met, it's not going to work for me.

I had a really amazing conversation with one of my friends on KETA. The other day, we went to walk on the West Side Highway. We went to this amazing bakery. We got brownies and vanilla tea. And then we did a walk on the West Side Highway. It was the perfect summer New York night. Just setting up the vibe and the scene for you guys, because it was so therapeutic and so healing.

And I absolutely adore her. And she said something to me that was so incredible. And I want to share it with you. Okay, so basically I was talking to this guy and my heart is not fully in it and I think it's partly because of trauma, because I'm scared. I'm scared of getting too vulnerable and hurt if I get too invested early on because he seemed to be love bombing me. I'm not gonna lie, he was showering me with excessive amounts of texts and love and saying,

I'm God's gift to Earth, which is really kind, but at the same time I'm like, yeah, I am. But I feel like I deserve to be treated like this with love and affection, but you don't really know me, so this is categorized as love bombing. And I literally said to him, I was like, stop love bombing me. And he was like, oh, ha ha ha. No, I really do like you. And I'm like, okay, but we gotta take it slow

because I don't want to get myself in another fucked up situation. I really just wanna take my time. So we'll see where it goes. I still don't know where that's gonna go because we're still talking. But I was telling her, I was like, I really just don't know. I don't really know what to do. I don't really have any strong feelings towards it, but I'm not really sure. I basically was like, I don't really know how he actually feels. And she looks at me and she's like, how do you feel? How the fuck do you feel about it? Forget about how he feels.

Just block him out of the equation for a hot second. How do you feel about the situation? In your heart, does it feel good and aligned? Or are you feeling weird and anxious and uncomfortable? And I just thought it was such an eye-opening question because it's so true. We get so caught up in what the other person is thinking. And the key is, in order to conquer anything, especially when it comes to dating, is...

Take note of how you fucking feel. Who cares about how they feel? You don't know them. This really does apply to the initial stages of dating in particular. But take note of your own emotions and what your inner voice is saying and how you feel about yourself when you're talking to that person, not the other way around,

because that's how you know if something is aligned with you. That's how you know if something's right. If you look inside yourself and you focus your energy inwards and you're like, oh, wait a second, this is making me feel either really good or really weird or really shitty or really anxious or incredible

or excited or empowered, whatever it is, you'll know because it's you. So that's the first thing, okay? The second thing is you should be so turned off by someone who's confused about their feelings. Because if you're truly confident in yourself and sure of yourself and you know what you want, anyone who's not, you're gonna repel them

because you're gonna be like, I don't want people who are insecure about their wants and desires because I know what I want. This is about you and your life now, okay? You're confident, you're secure, you're feeling in your body, in your frame, and you trust yourself. If you are coming from a place of genuine security,

if someone is not sure about you, that's gonna make them unattractive. But if you are insecure and you're coming from a place of desperation and neediness and this feeling of lack, and you're coming from a place of desperation and neediness and this feeling of lack and you're going into dating from that perspective and you're talking to someone and they're not giving you exactly what you want, it's never going to fucking work because you're coming from a place of desperation

and when you want someone to give you something, you're never going to get it. If you're chasing down someone to give you love and affection, you're not going to get it. You need to give yourself that energy. You need to give yourself that love and affection, and then everything else will fall into place. You're not going to need it from someone else. So point being, if you are truly secure, it will be a turnoff when someone doesn't value you. It will be a turnoff when someone doesn't value you. It will be a turn off when someone doesn't prioritize you. Now, this doesn't mean in the initial stages of dating,

let's just say you've been talking to someone for a couple of weeks and they go eight hours without texting you. That doesn't really mean anything, okay? Everyone has different texting styles. A couple hours of silence or a day even in the early stages of dating is really irrelevant, okay? You're just getting to know that person. But if you've been going on and on for months

with someone back and forth and they're still not making plans with you, they're still not consistent, they're still flaky, they're like, oh, I don't know what I want, I don't want a relationship, just really assess if this is how you wanna live your life for the next year and a half or two years or three years. I've talked to people in my DMs

who have had 10 year situation ships, no exaggeration, 10 fucking years of back and forth with people who never knew what they wanted. These things can go on for fucking ever. So check yourself. Are you secure when you're approaching dating? Are you the best version of yourself right now when you're approaching dating? Are you the best version of yourself right now when you're approaching dating with a clear mind

and you feel confident? If you don't feel that way, work on yourself. You're not ready to date. If you're feeling extremely insecure, this is my opinion by the way, okay? People can disagree, but I think if you're coming from a place of insecurity and you don't feel good about yourself and you go into dating,

you're going to attract people who do not value you. So the key is to refocus your energy into yourself for a while and take a break until you feel ready to put yourself out there in a way where you know your worth and you're ready to attract people that see that and see you for who you are and see your value. And from experience, now that I know this, because I'm coming from a place of security and I love myself so much now

and I'm in a totally different energy, when I do start talking to someone, my gut immediately rejects anyone with a bad energy that I know is not right for me. There has been several instances already where I've interacted with someone and my gut was like, nope, nope, nope, not the vibe. And I just completely cut it off immediately.

I was like, this isn't gonna work for me. Because I'm so in tune and tapped in with myself now and who I really am, that it makes weeding out people so fucking easy. So highly recommend you do that. If you are chasing someone down, struggling to date in general, really check yourself and be like, am I good enough?

Am I in a good enough place to date right now? Number three on my list of things I wanted to discuss is, if you're chasing something with your energy, if you're chasing a person down, you're communicating to the universe that you're in lack mode, okay? You're in desperation mode. You're lacking something.

You can't receive what you want to manifest in general and you can't receive anyone or anything that you want if you're chasing, if you're literally throwing your energy at it. That's not how energy works, okay? You can't have what you desire. If you're trying to manifest something, you can't receive what you want if you're communicating to the universe, I desire this. If you're saying, I desire this, I desire this, you're communicating to the universe

that you don't have it, which puts you in an energy of lack, which is communicating to the universe that something is missing. And because that's the energy and vibration you're on, you will continue to stay stuck in a place of lack. Manifestation works like this. You have to be place of lack. Manifestation works like this. You have to be feeling and at the vibrational level as if that thing has already happened, as if it's already a part of your life and integrated into your life. That's when it comes. And you usually manifest things when you don't want them anymore because you're on that level. It makes sense, right? You're at the level of what you want, so it's not a big deal to you anymore. So you're like, oh, I wanted an extra $10,000.

And then I got a new job where I was making triple that. And I don't need the extra $10,000 now because what the hell? I just got a better job and I'm making more money than that. Maybe that's not the best example. I'm going to give you an example of the reality show that I wanted to be on. I wanted to be on reality TV a couple of years ago. And I got an offer this past year to be on reality TV, but I had wanted that manifestation. I had written it down before I started Date Yourself instead.

So now I'm in a totally different place in my life where I'm working on the podcast full-time. I don't even have time to do TV right now. This is my full-time job. I'm putting literally all my heart and soul into the podcast. I don't have that capacity to go on reality TV unless I knew for a fact it was gonna be this like really aligned on brand situation, which it wasn't.

The contract was ridiculous and I was like, this is not going to work for me from a business angle. But I had technically manifested it, but I was already past the vibration of something like that and an opportunity like that, that it just wasn't working anymore. It wasn't aligning. And I felt like I had ascended vibrationally

past that desire. So your manifestations will often come in when you're over it, which kind of sucks, but it's also nice because that you've come so far, that you've grown, that you've healed and worked on yourself, and you can see yourself leveling up, and then all of these things are coming into your life. You're like, oh my God, this is exactly what I always wanted. But it's almost like whatever. It's cool. it's chill. Obviously, this was meant to happen.

When I had received that offer, I was like, oh, actually, whatever. I was so nonchalant about it, whereas a few years ago when I wrote it down, if I had received it the next day, I would have been like, oh my god, oh my god, and then probably done it and probably made a shit ton. I would have made like a shit ton of mistakes doing that and going in that direction. So everything happens in the right timing. And also I think it was almost being blocked for a reason because I hadn't had the podcast yet

and maybe I wouldn't have done the podcast if I had gone in that direction. So everything happens for a good reason and it's just a really good reminder. The last thing I want to talk about is the place you're at in your life. This is going to be a little BFF pep talk over here, okay? Are you really where you want to be in your life right now?

Because all the energy that you're spending worrying about John answering you life right now, because all the energy that you're spending worrying about John answering you and committing to you and being the love of your life, all that energy that you're chasing down a man that's being flaky and weird could be used to better your fucking future, okay? So really put that into perspective for a second. Where is your energy really going?

Where are you putting your energy and time? Life isn't forever, okay? It's short. We have limited time on earth to fulfill our purpose, to go after our dreams, to be happy. So why are you letting someone dictate how you feel on a daily basis, make you anxious, make you afraid to step into your power

and be the best version of yourself? If you haven't already, I highly recommend you go download my Masterclass, Dare to Detach. If you are struggling right now, holding onto someone for dear life and you can't let go or holding onto something toxic and you are struggling right now, holding on to someone for dear life and you can't let go or holding on to something toxic and you can't let go, go download the Masterclass. It's not only a game changer and I didn't create it just for fun.

I created it so you guys can fucking let go and move on from people that are holding you back from living up to your greatest potential. The link is in my show notes and you could also go on my Instagram at Dare to Detach and find the link there. If you are investing all your time into talking about men, talking about how shit dating is, talking about how terrible dating apps are, talking about how, oh, I'm never going to meet anyone, there's no hope anymore, all men suck. All women are cheaters. Whatever toxic narrative you are replaying in your brain, cut that shit out and focus on something meaningful, okay?

Your thoughts control your reality. I've made many episodes on this. Your thoughts dictate your future. So if you're constantly obsessing over someone that's giving you shit and giving you the bare minimum, you're not gonna get anywhere with your future. You're not going to go anywhere in your life. You're going to go in circles in a relationship and stay stagnant and stuck in your present

reality for years if you continue that way. So snap out of it. What do you want out of life? Is this person really the end all be all? Is this person really the end all be all? Is this person really your soulmate? Is it worth sacrificing your energy, your precious valuable energy and time and your heart and your soul to cater to someone that you don't even know that well? Is it really worth it?

Get fucking real with yourself because I've had to give myself this talk many times. This is coming from personal firsthand experience. I get caught up in the idea of someone and then my brain starts getting sidetracked and I lose focus and I lose my drive for a day and I'm like, wait a second, what the fuck am I doing? Like, why am I spending three hours stalking someone that means nothing to me, essentially in the big scheme of things, when I want to build an empire and I want to be a boss-ass bitch? What the hell am I doing? I might sound a little harsh. I love blaming my astrology sign all the time, but this is the Capricorn, okay? Coming out and I'm not fucking around

anymore. This is really a reality check for all of us today. And I hope that was helpful. I hope you took some value out of today's episode. Thank you so much as always for listening to Date Yourself instead. If you haven't already, be sure to read the podcast on Apple and Spotify. It would mean the world to me. And also be sure to check out the Masterclass, Dare to Detach. Doors are still open for the month of June, closing for the rest of the summer. We're going to have some more courses and Masterclasses coming out really soon that I'm really fucking excited about. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I read all your DMs. Thank you for all the recent support on the video episodes. I'll definitely be sure to make more soon and stay tuned for next Monday.