Date Yourself Instead - IT'S A SELF LOVE SUMMER (Protect your peace and energy)

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

I'M BACK IN NYC! IT'S A SELF LOVE SUMMER. In this episode, I cover a variety of questions around dating and relationships. Most of the questions are focused around self-love and learning how to protect your peace and energy while navigating the dating world. As always, if you loved this episode, rate on Apple and Spotify and send me a message @lyss. JOIN MY MASTERCLASS DARE TO DETACH DOORS OPEN JUNE 5TH!

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. I am back in New York City after three months away traveling. I was in Sydney, Australia for two and a half months and then I went to Bali afterwards for those of you who've been listening to the podcast and for those of you who follow me on Instagram, you know, I've been on the road for a while, but I am finally back home and I'm so happy to be back and in a routine. And first things first, I just wanna say thank you to everyone who's listened to the last two video episodes. I'm gonna be trying my best to record as many videos as I can this year.

I wasn't sure if you guys preferred the video or the audio, but I feel like the video is more personal so if you like the videos please let me know in the comments or you could send me a DM on Instagram as well. So full transparency I have been going through some major life transitions and changes so bear with me I actually wasn't sure if I was actually gonna like come into the studio today because my head has just been all over the place. I'm still processing a specific situation that I keep mentioning. My last two episodes I've touched on it but it's kind of hard for me to be back

in New York because the situation that I was in originated in New York. The person that I was with lived in New York with me and it was just, it's just been a lot to process honestly. And I just want to be fully honest with you guys because if I don't speak my truth and I don't speak how I feel, I just feel like sometimes it comes off like I'm a little bit down or my energy is low in the episodes. And I just want to clear that up before I dive into today's episode because I was worried that I was going to

sound a little sad. I am doing a little bit better today, but every day is an up and down roller coaster. And as you know, healing isn't linear and healing takes time. And I've been doing a lot of inner work and just been spending a lot of time with myself focusing on healing, focusing on getting myself to a really good mental place so I could show up better for the podcasts. I am so sorry.

I forgot to turn my phone off. So on today's episode, I'm going to be covering your most asked questions. A lot of you DM me asking me about dating and relationships and life advice. So I'm going to be covering that and I'm also going to be covering this concept of do people really change? Is it worth giving someone a second chance? Do people really change the point where you should give them another opportunity to be a part of your life? So do people really change?

Should you give your ex a second chance if they reach back out to you because they always come back, right? Should you actually give them another opportunity to be a part of your aura, your vortex, to get a taste of what it's like to spend their time with you. This could be tricky because especially

if you've done the healing work, you've done the inner work and you're in a place of peace finally and then they come back, you're suddenly like, shit, like this is all that I ever wanted. And they're saying everything I've wanted to hear and they're willing to commit to me now and it's everything I've ever hoped for like as the end result of this relationship. But now I'm in a place where I'm so at ease, I'm so at peace and I'm so

in alignment that I don't even know if I want to take them back because I'm afraid I'm going to fall back into past patterns. I don't want to drag myself down again. I don't want to have my energy ripped out from under me again, and that is very possible. And that is something that often happens if we go back to past relationships because that person will make all these promises. They'll say they've changed. They'll say, oh, you know, I've worked on myself,

I've healed, and I know I wanna be with you. I'm 100% certain. And you're like, mm, it's only been a month. Like, is that true? Is that not true? And you can go back and forth with this decision-making process. Rule of thumb for me is if it's been a short window of time

and that person is running back to you, begging for you back, trying to get back together with you, and it's only been a few weeks or a month or so, I would say proceed with caution just because I believe that people often follow their past patterns. People often don't change unless they've done a lot and I mean a lot of inner work and healing and that takes time.

Coming from experience, I know I've changed a lot as a person over the course of the last five or 10 years, but I've done so much work to get to a place of peace I've done so much therapy and healing and I've done so many different things and practices to get myself to a place of ease Where I handle situations better where I'm able to show up differently to the people I love where I'm able to Love in a healthy way comparatively to when I was more toxic, when I was younger. But that was because I did the inner work and that took years of time and undoing past patterns that I've learned from childhood. If someone is coming back to you in just a few weeks or they're saying, you know,

I know what I want now. I made a huge mistake. I would just proceed with caution. It doesn't mean that it can't work because every situation is so unique and I don't want to be so cutthroat and say, no one can change and it's impossible and you should never get back together with your ex because if you truly believe that this is your person and you truly believe that they are right for you

and you can maintain a healthy, sustainable relationship, by all means, go for it. But I think majority of the time, I will say proceed with caution if it seems like too much too soon, if it seems like it's too good to be true, it usually is, and just trust your gut and trust your intuition. Rule of thumb, if you feel like something's off,

if you don't really trust them still If you're going back and forth and questioning shit a lot, you're usually right your intuition never lies to you and I Just feel like you intuitively really do know the best decision for you deep down. So just tread lightly and Trust your own judgment of character and if you, really believe this person is the one, by all means proceed, but you might get burned again. And that's the risk that you have to take. Obviously, the best case scenario would be

that that person does show up differently and they did do the work and they do change and they want to be in a happy, successful relationship with you. That would be absolutely ideal and I would be more than happy for you. I will say that you have to also honor your truth and you also have to take a step back and know your worth and know your boundaries and where you stand as far as relationships go because we often tend to lose ourselves in the people that we love the most.

And especially if it's toxic and you get swept up in this person's energy, you can really lose your sense of boundaries and your sense of identity. And when you lose that sense of self, you can lose your sense of judgment. And that will make you go back to them and make bad decisions. And I'm just speaking from my own experience. I've taken my ex back before. I've been down that road before. It never works.

It never works because that person is acting at a fear and they'll come crawling back because they just don't wanna see you happy with someone else. And they just want that control, right? They want that power over you to say, you know what? I don't want you with anyone else. You know, I see you thriving. I see you happy. I see you doing so well without me. Let me go back into your life and, you know, enter your aura and your vortex again and fuck it up

because I can't stand to see you happier than me. And you'll notice that energetic shift. People will respond to how your energy changes. This happens all the time from my masterclass, Dare to Detach, not to hype up my own masterclass, but seriously the amount of messages and DMs I get on a daily basis about the masterclass, how people will shift their energy after they've taken the four days of the classes and they're like, listen, I don't know what happened,

but I woke up this morning and my ex is blowing up my phone and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it. Should I give them a second chance? And I'm like, it's up to you, but you made this investment in the course. I want your investment to pay off. And the whole point of the course

isn't to attract your ex back into your life if it was a toxic situation, right? The whole point of the course is to rewire your subconscious mind and level up and shift your energy and detach to the point where you don't want them anymore. And you're operating at such a high frequency and you're so high vibe that you're going to attract bigger and better things and people into your life. And you're going to align with someone that will appreciate you and value you and love you the way you deserve

to be loved. So I always tell people, you know, I don't have control over what you do. I support you. I love you. I care about you and your wellbeing. The whole point of Dare to Detach is to better your life, improve your life, and upgrade your timeline to attract better people. But if you think that person is your soulmate, I can't stop you. So do what you will with my information and my master class. But I do get a lot of messages around that issue because when you start doing the inner work, people sense that people will feel your energy dramatically change and shift for the better. And they want a piece of what you're offering. Suddenly they're like, oh, you're doing better than me.

You're doing well. Well, you can't live your life unless I'm a part of it now because you seem to be doing better than me and now I need that energy. People will try to take your energy if they feel that you're on a different level and you're on a different wavelength and they're not at that frequency they'll try to suck your energy dry and

they'll try to You know take that power away from you when they feel like you're leveling up and you're becoming more powerful than them so just be cautious protect protect your peace, protect your energy. And that's the answer to that question. That was a pretty long answer, but hopefully that will help some of you and guide some of you if you're dealing with this issue right now. The next question is how to deal with being single and feeling lonely, especially when it's summer. I was thinking about this this morning because I'm in an era of my life now

where I am not speaking to anyone. I am not focused on dating right now. I am not interested in having superficial conversations. If you listened to my last episode, on date yourself instead, you probably heard about my wild dating storytime in Bali. I went on an accidental date with someone and it just wasn't really the best experience. I guess you could summarize it lightly.

And if you haven't already, I highly recommend you go listen to it. It's like the first eight minutes of the last episode. I realized that I just, I don't want anyone's energy mixing with mine if I feel like they're not on my level of healed and I want to be in a place in my life where I'm only allowing people in if they're on the same level of healed as I am and they could show up for me the way I would show up for them and if they can give me the love that I give them because I have an open heart I will give you my love if you can match that energy But there's gonna be a lot of people in your life that will come into your life

As I just said previously and try to suck your power and energy dry And if they're not on your wavelength, it can really affect you emotionally and spiritually if that person is just trying to always drag you down is really negative about everything. And I don't know, like obviously we all go through periods of time where we have these dark moments where we feel sad, where we feel like we can't show up properly. And like I've been a Debbie Downer many times in my life where I felt like I wasn't able to give people the energy they deserved.

And it was up to me to work on myself and heal myself. Luckily I had amazing people and friends around me that knew I was going through a hard time and supported me. I'm not talking about that in particular, I'm talking about dating, right? If you are going on dates with people that are just not healed and you're giving them your energy and your time and you're coming from a place where you work so much on yourself and they're just not treating you right or they're being degrading or they're being messy and they're just not safe, like it just doesn't feel energetically safe. It's just never worth it. So it's just important for me now being single to Be protective of my energy and my peace and my time because time is valuable and you can look at being single as a fucking

Blessing so I woke up this morning and I was like, you know what I have no ties. I'm single I Live in an amazing city. I'm grateful. I can have my coffee every single morning. I can wake up and look out and see the sunrise and look at the water because my apartment's by the water. I'm so grateful. I have amazing friends. I have an amazing family. I have so many things to be grateful for. And just because I don't have a romantic partner right now doesn't take away from how special my life for. And just because I don't have a romantic partner right now doesn't take away from how special my life is. And it doesn't make me any less of a person

and it shouldn't define who I am and it shouldn't make me sad because I'm able to fill my own cup with my own self love and I truly trust that the right person at the right time will come into my life when I'm ready for it. And when you come from that mindset, being alone won't really affect you anymore. It won't scare you anymore. Because if you know you have an amazing heart, you have an amazing soul,

you have good intentions, you're a good person and you're a loving person and you're kind and you show up properly. Nothing is going to stop you from finding your person eventually, but everything happens in divine timing. I got that tattoo in Bali and now I've posted about it like 10 times and being probably very overbearing, but my tattoos all have very significant meaning and purpose and the reason I got the divine timing tattoo on my wrist over here. I don't know if you could see it in the camera, but I got this tattoo specifically to remind myself

and look down at my wrist and always remind myself that everything does happen at the perfect ideal timing for you. And even though it might be sad sometimes, because obviously everyone gets lonely, it's human, it's normal if you're going through a breakup right now, if you feel like you know you really miss having someone to physically be with, to cuddle with, to spend your time with, to do things with, it's relatable. It's easy to feel lonely and to

fall into that trap and that cycle of feeling sorry for yourself because you don't have anyone to really go to or talk to or be affectionate with but I will say if you reframe that and you truly come from a place of peace trusting fundamentally at your core that your soulmate is on their way it gives you a sense of ease but you truly have to have faith in the universe and trust the process of your life and just understand that it happens when the time is right for you and the universe knows when that time is going to be right for you. I don't think I would be mentally prepared right now to be in a serious relationship with anyone.

I think I still have some work to do on healing from trauma from a situation that happened to me recently. I don't think I'm ready to be with my forever person right now. Maybe I, you know, I don't know what's gonna happen. I might meet this person tomorrow and I'm just like saying I'm not ready. But I just trust the universe knows when the timing is right. And I think I'll also know when the timing is right. So just reframing your mindset around it, trying to stay

positive, trying to focus on what you're grateful for, focus on the things that are already beautiful in your life and just keep focusing on that. Practice gratitude and wake up every day, trying to stay positive and envisioning yourself already with your person because that's how your manifestations come in, especially around having a soulmate. I read this book once called, it was something about attracting a soulmate. I forgot the actual title. I've mentioned it on my podcast before, but I have to, maybe I'll post about it on Instagram because I'm literally blanking out on the title, but it's a book about attracting your soulmate and how to do it. And one of the steps involves really creating your lifestyle

as if that person already exists and just like having everything set up in your house for two people, envisioning that person next to you, sleeping next to you and like having pillows next to you. I don't know, it's a little bit creepy, but like the whole point is that you have to feel as if it already has happened and that's with anything in manifesting. You really have to feel as if it already has happened and that's with anything in

manifesting. You really have to believe that it's already happened for you and it also applies to having a significant other. The next question is should I keep trying with someone who says they're not sure about what they want right now but they still like me? I truly believe that you shouldn't. I don't think that you have time to waste. This person is obviously not willing to commit to you and they're saying that and it's pretty much crystal clear. I think to an extent, if they wanted to commit to you, they would commit to you. Obviously, as I said, everything does happen

in ideal timing. So maybe it is bad timing for them, but at the same time, you don't wanna hold up your life for someone else's decision-making. So I will say you can have them in your life if you choose to do that. But for me personally, I think it's best to just cut ties and move on and open your mind up to someone else if this person has just been stringing you along for a while

because that could lead to a very, very, very long term situationship. And it's happened to me before where I essentially was waiting around for someone to make up their mind about me for months and months and months. And it got to the point where we were literally in a relationship. It felt that way. We were going to workout classes together. We were getting dinner every night. I was staying by his place all the time and it felt like he was my partner. And then I still said, like, you know what, I will stick it out because

it feels like we are on the same page and we're dating. And then eventually, I think it was like seven or eight months had gone by and I had brought it to his attention. I'm like, yeah, so what are we doing? Like we're dating, right? And he was like, no. It was like, oh no, like I don't want a relationship still. And I was like, this is a relationship. Like I've told you things that I haven't told my family. Like you are, this is what a relationship is. And he was like, no, no, no.

Like I just, you're not, like we're not in a relationship. Very humbling, traumatic experience. And I think everyone's been there at some point or another. So I will just say, once again, as I said in the beginning of this episode, proceed with caution. You could do whatever you want in your life. But for me personally, I would cut ties

if someone's telling you they don't wanna be with you officially, they just, they don't wanna be be with you and that's pretty much how it is. Also to help you with this I have a pretty solid piece of advice so I was thinking about this this morning too I had all of these creative ideas flowing into my brain this morning I don't know if it was something in my coffee or it's the jet lag, but I was thinking, right? So if someone rejects you, you have to keep this in mind.

One girl's treasure is another man's, no, sorry, sorry, I'm messing this up. One girl's treasure is another woman's trash. And what this means essentially is the guy that you're chasing after, the guy that you're pining after and you want a relationship with, there is a woman out there that has like full out,

cold heartedly rejected him and has been like, I don't like you and you're not attractive to me. Like there is, like even though it might be hard to believe cause maybe you like put this man on a pedestal and you really like him and you have feelings for him. I promise you there is a woman out there that has rejected him that doesn't see the value in what he has to bring to the table and has a totally different perception on him than you do. And I like to think of it from that angle and then envision myself talking to that woman

and being like, how do I get to the point where I just, I see things the way you see them because I'm struggling here. And I kind of had a situation where I did really like this guy and I met a girl who had dated him, who like ended things with him and didn't like him and he had ended things with me. So we had two totally opposite experiences and she was just such a badass and she is such a powerful, strong, like dominant energy and she was so inspiring to me. It was so humbling to me in a way because I was like, wait, like we dated the same person but you just like wanted nothing to

do with him and I liked him. Like it kind of gave me the ick and I just like didn't, I just like did not like him anymore after I met her. And yeah, it was just such an interesting way to reframe my mindset and look at things differently and realize that it's not the end of the world. And at the end of the day, it was just a person. And if someone doesn't wanna be with you, they don't wanna be with you and you could let

go detach move on reframe your brain and you'll find someone that will actually value you and appreciate you so don't chase anyone down don't try to force commitment the right person will want to be with you. The next question is how do you approach visioning your higher self and your future self and what does that look like for you on a daily basis? Can I have some tips? Okay, so this is gonna sound a little silly and weird, but about two years ago, I downloaded an app called Lenza and it's an AI app and this is not sponsored.

I'm gonna give them free promotion right now, but it was when AI had first really become this popular thing and people were basically making AI versions of themselves on this app and I put in a bunch of photos of myself and one of the photos that came out was really cool. I looked like a fucking warrior queen badass. I Had short blonde hair. I just looked like I had gone to the gym every day straight for like the last year.

And I was just like this ripped warrior woman. And I loved the AI image so much. And then I saved it on my phone. And it was literally my wallpaper for like a month. Cause I was like, this is like my higher self. Like this is the woman that I wanna be. And this is the woman that I am going to become. And now looking back at that image, I feel like I've kind of like worked towards that person

energetically and also just like kind of had a glow up and made myself subconsciously or unconsciously, just like not really thinking about it. But in a way, I kind of look more like that photo now because I was visualizing it so much and I know that sounds kind of crazy like yeah, like I I Saw my higher self through an AI image of me, but it was really actually helpful and it was really cool so that was like how I started envisioning what I wanted my higher self to physically look like and then I started envisioning what I wanted my higher self to physically look like and then actually from an energetic standpoint I started writing a lot of things down that I just wanted to improve in my life and I wanted to get better at and

I knew there were certain areas that I really needed to work on. So one of them was just being less reactive and Understanding that being overly emotional too soon can cause way more problems in the long run, especially in relationships. So for me, one of my goals was to become more calm and more at peace and to not overreact or to snap at someone or to lash out at someone if I don't get my way in a situation. And I had a situation that happened last year where I was just like off the rails, like

handled it so inappropriately. And I got really drunk one night and like went off on someone that I cared about. And it was like kind of embarrassing after the fact because I realized that there were so many bigger issues in the world than getting heated at someone just because they don't feel the same. And it gave me a huge reality check

and gave me a wake-up call because, one, I stopped drinking completely, and two, I realized that there was a piece of me that was so triggered and it was something that I needed to heal. So I spent six months working on that and healing that. And then I also, you know, I entered therapy for other reasons

and I started EFT tapping and I started journaling and I started meditating more and just doing small things every single day to work towards that higher version of me. That's how you do it. It's just about building a routine and habits around self care and self love. And it has to be consistent.

You can't just meditate one day and think it's going to change your life. You have to make it a habit just like anything else and build consistency with it. And I can say confidently that I am an entirely different person than I was last year. A year ago, I was just not in a good state of mind

where I couldn't handle anything emotional. Like anything that came my way, I feel like I just, I just handled it in a way that I didn't wanna handle it. And it made me feel like crap afterwards. And I spent the last year really healing these parts of myself where now if something bad happens, like something recently had just happened that was super traumatic, I've been handling it so differently

than I ever would have. Like a year ago version of me, the year ago version of me would not have handled the situation I just went through now the same way at all. And I feel like I've grown so much as a person just by doing the inner work. And that's why I do believe, as I said, people can change,

but it's a matter of you really committing to that work. The next question is, how to avoid a narcissist? Well, I've definitely experienced dating a narcissist, and I will say this, you just have to trust your intuition. If someone's making you feel crazy all the time, if someone's making you feel like you're not good enough all the time, someone's taking away from your happiness and your joy on a consistent basis.

If you feel like your self-esteem is really low around that person, if you feel like you can't accomplish anything big in your life or great in your life anymore because of that person, if you feel weak emotionally around that person, if you feel insecure around them, if you feel like you can't speak your truth around them, if you feel like you're walking on eggshells with them, if you feel like you can't speak your truth around them, if you feel like you're walking on eggshells with them. There's so many different situations and cases dealing with narcissism.

But for me, I know I went through all of that and all of the emotions associated with that and feeling like I was never good enough. I always came second to them. I was always feeling like I was competing with them almost where they always had to be better than me. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt like I was also constantly anxious, riddled with anxiety 24 seven, questioning my own judgment of character and intuition because that person would convince me I'm crazy and gaslight the shit out of me on a daily basis. So just being very in tune to who you are and realizing if you're

going through those feelings, you're probably in a narcissistic situation and you should probably remove yourself or get out as fast as you can. Speaking from my own experience, I didn't listen to my gut for a very long time. I didn't trust myself for a very long time. This person would convince me out of my thoughts telling me I'm crazy, telling me I'm losing my mind when my intuition and judgment of character was right the entire time. So you really have to trust yourself the first time. And that's the rule of thumb I have now going into new relationships. I'm like, if I feel something's off, that's it. If I feel like it's just not right, it's not right.

I'm not giving someone second, third, fourth chances. I'm not giving people free passes. I'm not going to let someone convince me that I'm crazy. I'm cutthroat. It's like, if I feel my intuition is saying this isn't the right person, I'm immediately getting out of that situation. And that's how you have to approach it.

The next question is, what do you do when you go out by yourself? So it depends on the environment and where I am. For example, if I'm in a coffee shop, I usually just bring my phone, I have my headphones and I'll listen to a podcast or I'll listen to a YouTube video. I also like to bring a journal with me and journal and write things down when I'm out during the day. But if I'm going to a bar at night, if I'm alone and I'm having a drink at a bar by myself, I try to set the intention that I wanna meet people

before I go out. Like I'll literally write in my notes up on my phone, like I'm meeting a group of friends tonight, or I'm meeting new people tonight, or I'm meeting a significant person tonight that's going to change the course of my night. And it's manifested accordingly if I truly set that intention,

having fun, being open to meeting new people. And I feel like also just having like one drink at a bar, like people will approach you sometimes. I mean, it's not every time I've had probably a 75% success rate where people have approached me, but you just have to give off good positive energy and understand that even if like you don't meet anyone that night, you could still enjoy company with yourself,

learn how to be more independent and just enjoy your company. It's just such a beautiful experience and feeling, even if you do it once, just to push yourself out of your comfort zone, just feel a little more independent. It really is a good way to get to know yourself a little better and you could always just go on your phone and text a friend and be like, hey, can you entertain me

right now? I'm out by myself. Like I've done this to my friends before, like in my group chat, I'm like, hey, I'm sitting at a bar by myself. And then it kind of takes the pressure off trying to meet people because like you still have at least someone you're texting. I've had a pretty good success rate with meeting new people. There was a time I was out in London, I had no game plan and I ended up meeting so many cool people this one night I went out and I like made so many new friends just doing that

and putting myself in receiving mode where I would literally write in my notes app. I'm meeting a bunch of people tonight. I'm meeting new friends tonight and just trusting the process and trusting the universe has your back. And there was a girl actually recently that messaged me. She's like, you inspired me to go to a concert alone.

And I was freaking out. I was so anxious. I was so nervous. And I ended up going and meeting a group of girls. They invited me into their group and I had the best night ever and made an entirely new group of friends that I never would have made if I was with someone.

And I was like, I'm so proud of you, that's amazing. So just be open to receiving and trust and bask in the independence. It's such a beautiful, cool thing and life is so short. And as long as you're in a safe environment and you know where you are, it's the best. I love taking myself on dates. The reason I love my masterclass

Dare to Detach is because it not only is designed to help you detach from toxic people and situations, but it also cultivates the sense of independence because a lot of the masterclass is centered around the meditations I do and the quantum leaps I do and it's just about improving your inner peace and improving your mindsets. You could actually be more confident and step out into the world with more confidence. If you haven't checked it out, be sure to check out Dare to Detach.

The link is in the show notes and also on the Instagram at dare to detach and also on my Instagram at date yourself instead. If you haven't already, be sure to read it on Apple and Spotify. It would be so appreciated and share it with a friend if you've been loving the episodes. Thank you again.

I love you and stay tuned for next Monday.