Date Yourself Instead - Let’s talk situationships

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

One of the questions I get in my DM’s regularly is: Am I doing the right thing by staying in this situationship? As always, no pressure to jump out of a situationship if you’re loving where you’re at but if you want to address the pros and cons, we are talking expectations, standards, communication and genuine happiness. If your happiness is being compromised right now, remember that you deserve unconditional love and you are amazing! Thanks for listening! Connect with the Date Yourself Instead Movement: Website | Instagram Connect with Lyss: TikTok | Instagram | YouTube

Welcome to day yourself and set. Day yourself and set. What does it mean to day yourself and set? I'm just going to learn how to love myself and that's it. Okay, so on today's episode, I wanted to talk about a very highly requested topic, situationships. Truthfully, we've all been there

and we've all experienced a situationship at one point or another. And a situationship, just to clarify for those of you who don't know the actual definition, I look this up on Google for you guys. It is a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established. This is the type of relationship where you're not really sure where you stand with this person as far as if you're in really any sort of commitment or not. This is the type of situation where you end up driving yourself into the craziest version of you because you're always left confused and with one million questions and you're always wondering what the other person is fucking thinking because you really like them and you're

having a good time with them and everything seems amazing, but you really just don't know where you stand in their mind. And there's not that clear, defined nature of the relationship. There is no right or wrong to have a situation ship. A situation ship doesn't have to be a good thing or a bad thing. It can be a very neutral thing. If you're having fun and you're in a specific phase of your life, or maybe you just got out of a relationship and you meet someone new but you're not ready to commit to anyone. You're just enjoying having a casual fling with someone and there's no defined rules and

you're just living your best life. That's totally fine and that's totally cool and like I've gone through phases like this so I totally get it. If you're in a phase of your life where you just really don't give a fuck and you're totally okay with having this person go do their own thing and you do your thing, then that's great and good for you and keep doing what you're doing. My number one rule in life is as long as you are happy and you feel content with where you're at and you're really comfortable with where you are in your life in whatever situation

you decide to be in, that's all that truly matters. But if you're having a full-blown anxiety attack and a panic attack every fucking day, because you wanna know where you stand with someone, I would really reconsider being in a situation ship because it sounds like you might want something more or you don't wanna be left in the unknown all the time and you want clear answers in a clear direction, which is totally fair and understandable also.

So when people DM me and ask me, should I be in a situation ship, like our situation ships okay, can it turn into something more? The truth is every situation is totally different, and I cannot give you a clear answer because every person and every situation is totally unique and I'm not going to generalize your relationship or, you know, simple it down because I don't really know the other person, I don't know you and I don't want to give my input based on solely just what I've been through, but I can. And if you want to hear it, this is why I'm making this podcast episode.

So here we go. This applies to both men and women. I just wanna make that clear. I know there are some men listening to my podcast too. I have the analytics of the demographics of like who actually listens to the podcast. And I believe it's 95% women, but there are 5% men listening to the podcast too.

So I'm going to just include everyone. I'm not going to leave anyone out of this. Both men and women are capable of wanting something casual. As I've mentioned earlier, I've been in phases of my life where I didn't want a serious relationship, I just wanted to have fun, and not think too much about anything. But after you get really intimate with someone, you start to get to know them, you start spending more time with them. It's just really hard not to catch some sort of emotional feeling towards this person because you start opening up to them, you start hanging out more, you start texting them a lot more, you start oversharing, you start giving them details about your day, you grab dinner

with them, and then it starts to evolve into something a little bit more than you expected. And then you're like, fuck, I didn't mean to catch feelings for this person and I meant for it to be casual and I wanted something casual before I really got to know them, but here we are. And as a woman, we tend to be more emotional by nature and more nurturing by nature. There are very emotional men out there too, not gonna discredit that,

but I just think in general, women are more emotional by nature and it's easier for us to get attached. So there's been times where I did want nothing at all and I really just wanted something casual. And then it evolved. I started to get to know the guy I was seeing a month went by, two months went by. And then I was like, shit, I actually really like you. And I don't really know what to do now because I told you I was fine with doing this casual thing. And I was fine with being in a situation ship with you. But now I'm not really sure if I'm fine with doing this casual thing, and I was fine with being in a situation ship with you. But now I'm not really sure if I'm fine with it,

because I think I would get a little jealous if you were talking to a bunch of other girls. Like, you can go into something wanting nothing, and then as time passes, you start to change your mind. And that's okay, too, because that's totally human, and we have emotions, and we have feelings, and things like this happen all the time. There was one time I turned my situation ship

into a full-blown committed relationship after separating three or four times with this person, and he wanted nothing to do with me. I don't even think he had any plans to be in any sort of serious relationship at all, whatsoever. I think he had any plans to be in any sort of serious relationship at all whatsoever. I think he said his last relationship was like five years prior to when we had met, and he just didn't expect or really want anything going into hanging out with me,

but he really liked me. I could tell he did really like me, and he was pursuing me, but he kind of made it clear like this is not what you think it is, it's not a serious thing, and I was in a place in my life where I was willing to accept that and not really care too much. So I was like, all right, whatever. We could just hook up and that's it. But over time, as I mentioned, things can shift and change and you can start to develop feelings. And then you have to communicate that at some point because then you'll lose your mind and go insane.

And it's only so long before you break. And then you have to communicate that at some point because then you'll lose your mind and go insane. And it's only so long before you break. So after like a month or two, I basically said to him, I'm completely done. I don't want anything to do with this anymore because you're throwing my feelings around, you're confusing me 24-7. It's affecting me and my work and my day-to-day schedule because I'm thinking about this all the time. We've been hooking up for months and I cannot do this anymore.

And there was a lot of back and forth and a lot of ups and downs in that situation. And it drove me insane. And I remember there were a lot of tears, there was a lot of pain involved, and I put myself and my body through a lot of unnecessary stress because this guy did not know where he stood with me and he wasn't willing not know where he stood with me and he wasn't willing to be in a relationship with me. And eventually I just woke up one morning and I decided to let it all go because I was just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

You know that expression, like, I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Well that's exactly what happened. I was just done. I woke up one morning and I was like, fuck this. I don't want to deal with this anymore because it's ruining my peace and my happiness. And I'm a good person. And if it's not him, it'll be someone else. That's the mentality you have to have if someone doesn't want to be with you. Because you need to place yourself on a fucking high-ass pedestal and realize that you're worth so much

more if someone's not giving you shit. So I just woke up one morning and I was like, all right, bye, you're done. And a few weeks later, he ended up communicating with me and we discussed everything and we met up in person and we ended up in a committed relationship after that. That being said, was it worth it? Actually, yes, I do believe all the ups and downs were worth it, but at this point in my life, this was like several years ago, keep in mind.

At this point in my life, because I've learned to love and value myself and deepen the bond with myself, I would never tolerate the type of behavior I dealt with back then with him. Now, was it still worth it and was it worth the experience because I learned so much and I grew from it? Yes. We still didn't end up working out. I'm not with this person today. I don't regret a thing though because it did teach me so much and my life would not

be the same if I hadn't gone through all of that. But all the red flags I saw in the beginning still played out throughout the entire relationship. And I just feel like I'm in such a different place in my life now where the only reason I can't tolerate a situation is because at some point, something will shift and someone will end up catching feelings for the other person. And I just want to avoid that drama and the tears at this point in my life. I'm almost 30 years old and I don't have time for ups and downs in games. It's just not necessary. I just go into dating now, knowing that I want someone who knows what they want because

I know what I want. I'm looking for a serious thing and someone who's going to value me the way that I deserve to be valued. I don't want someone to think that they could just have me when they want me and then entertain a million other things when they're not with me. This is a personal preference because I've already been through these situation ship things, so if you're much younger than me and you're going through a situation ship and you're having a good time, you don't have to feel pressured to like jump out of it just

because I'm saying that I don't want something. This is just me and my experience and where I'm at in my life. I really believe you do need to go through those type of relationships in order to filter out what it is that you want and what you don't want. Those type of relationships taught me so much about myself and what I was willing to tolerate and what I wasn't. They also helped me know how to define clear boundaries for myself and also learn how to love myself a little deeper. You have to go through shitty relationships in order to evolve and change and grow as a person and really know how to set boundaries for yourself and love yourself to the absolute fullest.

I really believe that. Maybe that's just my life experience. And maybe this is just the path I'm on in this lifetime and other people don't agree with what I just said. But I really believe relationships and going through different experiences that are maybe not the healthiest and not the best actually eventually help you grow and change so much that it ends up being worth it in the long run. Sometimes you just have to go through shit in order to really know what you deserve. Like to know what you deserve, you need to go through hard times and hard situations sometimes, including situationships. Now, one of the biggest questions I always get in my DMs is, should I be involved in a situation ship with this guy?

He told me he wanted a casual fling and that he's not looking for anything serious, but we go on dates all the time. We really like each other. We text all the time. We really vibe and everything feels really good. So, am I doing something wrong by participating in this? Can it lead to something more? Is it really bad that I'm involved with him? Like, I really want it to turn into something more and I'm involved with him? Like, I really want it to turn into something more in my wasting my time. The truth is, this is a case-by-case thing. I've been involved in several situations,

and most of them didn't end up working out when the guy was clear about what he wanted and he said he didn't want anything serious. I'll just leave that on the table. If he's saying to you that he doesn't want anything serious and he doesn't want to commit to you and he's not interested in anything long term. He's telling you the truth. There's no reason for him to lie about that. He's being clear about where his intentions are.

So you kind of have your answer right there. Can his answer change? Can he change his mind? Possibly, I'm sure it's happened before. I'm sure there have been situations where guys have wanted nothing and then they develop feelings and eventually turned into something. But sometimes I think it's really what they're saying is what they're actually feeling. I don't think anyone has any reason to sugar code it and lie to you if they want something casual. And you can't change someone's mind unless they really want to change for themselves. And that's another big thing that I've taken

away from being in situations. It's like, you cannot change someone. They have to be willing to change for themselves and actually want to be with you out of the bottom of their heart. You can't force someone to love you and be obsessed with you and deeply commit it to you. That's just not how it works. So if you're looking for someone to commit to you and you're in a situation ship with them right now, you just have to understand that you can't have any expectations on them if they have communicated to you that they don't want anything serious. Now, if they're, they've lied to you and basically saying, I really want to see where things go

and it's possible we could be together one day. If they're dangling false hope in front of your face and telling you that it's a maybe, that's also a no. Even though that's really hard to hear, them being confused and not sure where they stand is a no in the moment. Does it mean it'll never change? No, of course it can change.

Of course, anything can shift and change in a volatile over time. But just don't place any expectations on this person because they're not giving you a clear fucking yes. And I believe that you deserve a clear fucking yes. So if they're not giving you that yes right now, take it as a not right now or a no because you don't want to be wrapped up in someone else's confusion. You don't want to be wrapped up in someone else's

mind that can't be made up. That's just not healthy for you and honestly, I've been in this situation before where I wrapped myself up in someone else's confusion. And they were always giving me back and forth answers. And they were always making me question the relationship. And they had expressed that they wanted something casual in the beginning, but after three months of dating,

I wanted something more. And when I communicated that to him, he said, possibly, let's see where it goes. And in my head, because I had never really experienced this dynamic before, I thought that was a maybe and a genuine maybe. So I spent the next four months of my life still hanging on to this situation ship. And we would go to dinner together, we would go to breakfast together. He would sleep over my apartment, I would sleep over his apartment. We would go to work together, we would go to breakfast together. He would sleep over my apartment, I would sleep over his apartment. We would go to workout classes together, okay.

This man asked me to work out with him. So I was under the impression that it was really going somewhere. And I really genuinely liked him. Was I in love with him? No, I wasn't. Was I thinking we were going to get married one day? I don't think so. I wasn't thinking that far ahead, but I thinking we were gonna get married one day? I don't think so. I wasn't thinking that far ahead,

but I just really liked him, and I enjoyed our company together, and I was looking to date him more seriously and exclusively. And he just wasn't willing to give me a clear fucking yes. No matter what I said, no matter which way I worded it, I tried not to be annoying about it, because I wanted to give him his space and I was respecting his boundaries, but he wasn't respecting me at all.

And I was just taking his feelings into consideration all the time, being like, oh, well, I don't want to step on his toes and pressure him and he seems like he's confused. So maybe I'll hold off on asking him. But like fuck that. I just didn't realize that I deserved so much more at the time, so I was waiting on his answers 24-7 for months. And it wasn't like he was treating me really badly or anything like that, but he just wasn't willing to commit and wasn't willing to fully open his heart and say, you know what, like, let's do this thing.

He never said that to me. What he said was, we'll see where it goes. That was his famous line. So I waited and I waited and I waited. And nothing really happened. Actually, maybe I'll get into this in a completely different episode because the story time will take forever. But it ended pretty messy to be completely transparent because I bumped into him with someone else and it just ended up falling apart.

But I can save that story for another time because I don't want to go too off topic here. My point is, if you're involved in a situation ship and you really want something more out of it and you really like this person. It is so important to communicate this and what exactly you're looking for and you need to get super clear on what it is. If you really, really want to be with this person and you want to be in a more serious situation with them but you're stuck in this like situation ship dynamic, the sooner the better it is that you communicate this and tell them that you're looking for something serious. You don't want to be wasting your time for another six months or a year or two years if it's not really going anywhere.

Because one, you could be blocking yourself from finding true love and a really healthy romantic relationship if you're still stuck with this person that's not giving you anything. And two, nothing will fuck up what's actually truly meant for you. And I always say this quote because it's so fucking true. If you express to someone how you genuinely feel about them and you tell them, you know, I really want a serious situation with you and they're not willing to reciprocate that. You have a clear answer right there. And that's a blessing because you're able to now define what it is that you're looking

for. You have now defined where they stand and you can walk away knowing that that situation wasn't going to end up in a good place anyway because that person wasn't going to be able to give you what you deserve anyway. So you're saving yourself a lot of time and a lot of energy and a lot of unnecessary drama and stress by just communicating what it is that you want and making it clear. That is how you get to your end goal and end up with someone in a healthy relationship and you end up in a healthy situation because you've defined what you wanted and you're telling the universe,

this is what I'm looking for. And if you tell this person and they're not on the same page as you, in the moment, can it suck and can it hurt if they don't reciprocate it and they don't agree with you and they don't want that? Yes, of course it's going to fucking suck. Of course it's going to sting and it might hurt and you might cry for a few weeks or a few months. You might be really upset. But I promise you, if they're not willing to commit now, and you go your separate ways, and they don't come back a few weeks later and say, listen, I needed that time to think, but I need to be with you. If they don't end up coming back and reciprocating, they did you a favor. Trust me, they did you a fucking favor, because

you want someone that wants you. Another one of my favorite quotes that me and my friend were talking about at dinner the other night is, go where you are wanted. Go where you are wanted. So if someone doesn't want you, the way that you want them, why are you still like forcing it and running towards them at full speed? That makes no sense. You deserve someone who's running at you the same way you're running at them and you come together and you have a beautiful and amazing relationship. And that exists

and that is out there and I could promise you that because as many shitty things as I've been through, I've also had really good relationship experiences also. I've also fallen in love several times in my life. So I know that that love exists out there. And when you find it, it's the best fucking feeling in the world. So if you feel like total shit right now and you're in a situation ship and you're waiting on someone's answers, and it's unclear and it's messy,

and you can't be your true self around them, and you just don't know where you stand. I promise you, there is a better situation out there for you. Like 100%, and you deserve that. So don't lower your standards for this person who can't give you what you need or isn't meeting your needs. And if they don't wanna be with you,

if you communicate where you stand, it's okay because there will be someone who will meet you where you stand. I promise you that. Now, I'm going to read off some things I found on the internet. This is from women'shealth.com. There are a pros and cons list for situationships on this website, so I thought I would just share some of the things that I was reading.

One of the pros of being in a situation ship, because I like to look at things also from a positive light. It doesn't always have to be negative if you're going through a situation ship thing right now or you've experienced one before, you could always shed a positive light on shitty situations. If you're struggling right now, here are some of the pros why I believe that situationships, they're not always a bad thing, they're not always a toxic thing. I kind of mentioned this before, but situations can be an opportunity for self-growth, okay? If you're trying to explore dating and relationships and you just want to learn more about yourself, you want to learn about self-love, you want to learn more about who you are as a person,

what you're looking for, what your needs are, and you're not really putting pressure on it and you don't have any expectations on it. Be in a situation, then. If you want to learn something from this person, and you don't plan on getting married to this person, be in a situation ship that's totally acceptable and fine, and a lot of people need to go through these things in order to evolve and grow. And I've been there, and I've been been through this where there was one time where I was getting out of a serious relationship and I was dating this person for years. And I fell into a

situation ship shortly after and that situation ship taught me so much about myself because it opened up a new version of myself that I never even expected. And it just made me more carefree and more fun and more excited about life in a totally different way that I had never experienced before. Did it end up working out? No, it was not something that I saw as a long-term situation, but I really feel like I needed that experience in order to grow as a human being. So if that's something you're looking for at this point in your life, go for it. Full support of that.

And if people are judging you and saying, oh, like, is he going to commit to you? If you have people around you kind of like asking questions about your relationship situation and they're like, why isn't he committing to you? But you're happy and you're genuinely happy and you have no complaints, then don't listen to them. Okay, some people really are okay with having casual things. And I get that. But on the other hand, if you are in need of consistency and support an emotional depth,

I don't recommend being in a situation chip for that long. You can try it out if you wish. Obviously, as I said, we all need experiences and life to grow and evolve as people. But if you are this type of person who needs consistency and emotional love and support and you like romance and you like having a stable committed partner by your side. I don't think situations are for you. And if you're not happy and you're constantly stressed and you feel imbalanced internally and you feel like you're fucking shockers are not aligned because of someone else, it's probably not the best situation to continue.

And I don't know, maybe what I'm saying right now is obvious advice, but I was reading this on this website about the pros and cons, and I was like, this puts it in really organized, clear terms, and I thought it would be helpful just to share. One of the other pros on this website is saying that a situation chip allows for intimacy without commitment. I mean, yes, but I'm the type of person who, if I get intimate with someone, there is probably feelings involved. Actually, not all the time. Sometimes I've been intimate with people and we just weren't compatible. And I was like, all right, ew, I'm grossed out. I got the ick and I ran.

But there's been multiple situations where I was intimate with someone. And then you feel like you're closer to them and it makes it harder to keep it casual because you're very intimate with this person like intimacy leads to emotional things like I don't know how people keep up casual sex for so long unless they really just don't give a shit about each other at all They're not really attracted to each other. It's really hard to maintain something casual once you become super intimate.

This is my opinion, this is my podcast, so I'm just speaking from how I feel, really. But like, I just know a lot of my friends too. Once they start getting intimate with someone, and it's good, let's just say the sex is really good, and they're going on dates with this person, it's really hard to like pull yourself out once all that starts to happen and unfold because we're just emotional people.

Women thrive off of intimacy and emotional connection. So like, it's kind of hard to keep those boundaries. But yes, technically, you could look at it in a positive light, a situation should allow for intimacy without commitment. Okay, great. One of the cons it says is everything feels so ambiguous. And it's frustrating. Fuck yeah, like there's so many times

where I've been so fucking confused because I was in a situation where this guy was literally telling me that he was obsessed with me. He was making plans. We were going at dinners, we were going to events together, we were, as I mentioned earlier, working out together, and like doing very intimate activities together.

But he still wasn't willing to be my boyfriend. He still wasn't willing to put that label on it and say, we're in a serious relationship, I'm not seeing anyone else and you're not seeing anyone else. And I just thought and maybe trusted that it would change over time because of what he was saying and the actions that were going along with it. He was doing everything right. But he was clearly saying he did not have a definitive answer for me. And if he made it very clear. And I think that says a lot.

If someone's not willing to give you a definitive answer, but they're doing all these amazing things for you and they're showing up for you and they're treating you like you're in a relationship, it can be so very confusing and so frustrating and so weird because you're like, how many other people is he doing this for? Like how much fucking time do you have on your hands? So I totally see both sides of why a situation can be good and can be bad.

And that's why I kind of say, your happiness is your guide to knowing if something's right for you. If you are always happy and you're waking up in high spirits and this situation is affecting your day to day and you're happy and comfortable with this person doing their thing and you doing yours, then stay and do whatever it is that you need to do and continue what you're happy and comfortable with this person, doing their thing and you doing yours, then stay and do whatever it is that you need to do

and continue what you're doing. But once again, if you're left in the dark, if you're anxious, confused, asking your friends for constant advice and help because you're losing your fucking mind, reconsider being in this situation because you do deserve clarity and you do deserve commitment if that's

what you want. If that's what's going to make you happy, that's what you deserve. Don't stray away from happiness just because you're trying to, you know, see what happens with this person. Like, if they're not taking your happiness into consideration and they're not respecting you and they're not showing up for you and committing to you that the way that you need, I don't know, I just don't think it's necessarily worth it. This is all up to you.

This is all just from my experiences as usual. And I always like to clarify that because I don't want to give the wrong advice and tell you guys what to do. But I just feel like once you know your worth and once you know your value, you're not going to put yourself in situations where you're constantly anxious and miserable. And a lot of people do. And I just, I'm protective. Like I'm protective of you guys because I want you to be with someone who wants you just as much as you want them.

So that concludes today's episode. I hope you guys have an amazing day. one who wants you just as much as you want them. So that concludes today's episode. I hope you guys have an amazing day. Thank you so much for listening as usual. If you haven't already, be sure to leave a review on Spotify or Apple. I read everything. I look at everything. And if you want, you can always message me on Instagram at list, LYSS, or on the podcast

account at date yourself instead. Thank you again for listening. I love you guys. I hope that was super helpful. And if your happiness is being compromised by a situation ship right now, just remember you deserve unconditional love. You deserve the world and you are amazing

and you deserve better. Just remember that. And I hope you took that from today's episode. Stay tuned for the next one. Have an amazing day. And thanks for listening. you deserve better. Just remember that and I hope you took that from today's episode. Stay tuned for the next one. Have an amazing day and thanks for listening.